Plumbing the Death Star - Would you Join the Rebel Alliance (LIVE)?

Episode Date: December 15, 2015

In which our heroes do it all live, take you to a galaxy far, far away and consider their options before going the Rebel Alliance. So join the boys live on stage as they explore the helmet aesthetic, ponder the career chain of stormtroopers and ultimately realise they'd all much prefer to be bad guys. Jackson is confused by job expos, Zammit is confident in his piloting abilities and Duscher just gets thrown under the bus. It's an edge of your seat time as everything almost comes completely unravelled, but much like the rebellion, really pull through in the end.Want to help us find an intergalactic job? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our space lives.And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about how to run a bar in space. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Sorted it out. Thank you sound guys for fucking us, then we go. Sorted it out. Thank you, sound guys, for fucking us, then fixing it. Hey, guys, and welcome to a special live edition of Plumbing the Death Star. Yeah, okay. Get it out, get it out, get it out. Yeah, yeah, good. We'll be asking important questions like, would you join the Rebel Alliance? No.

I have two questions for this. Yes. One, when is this being set? So is this before the Emperor Falls or is this like Star Wars Episode IV? Everything is kind of like... Everything's sweet. Sweet. I'm going to say Episode IV.

All right, cool. Secondly, would the Rebel Alliance want me? What do I bring them? Are you strong? Are you clever? No, no. Can you fit in little places? No, definitely not.

What else do they even need people for? You can't fly a spaceship. Can you fire a blaster? Better than a stormtrooper. No, no. But say you had the option because otherwise none of us are getting in so it's like a

worthless argument that's true okay so let's see what I join in lines let's see what's happening in the Star Wars universe at episode 4 so the Emperor's taken over

yep what's he doing that's bad he built a death star yeah I don't know that though yeah but he's not he's not using it yet he's threatening well he does at the start of episodes I don't know Alderaan's miles away I don't know that though. Yeah, but he's not using it yet. He's threatening... Well, he does at the start of episodes.

I don't know. Alderaan's miles away. I don't know what's happening in Alderaan. Who knows? It's a backwood. It's not a backwood. It's a backwood. So what's going on?

How is the Emperor really impacting my everyday life? To me, to be like, nah, screw the Empire. I'm going to join the rebels. They know what's up. Okay, all of your friends have joined the Imperial Army. Well, then I'm going to join the rebels. They know what's up. Okay, all of your friends have joined the Imperial Army. Well, then I'm going to join the Imperial Army because I don't want to be left out. Why would you want to join the Rebel Alliance

and be against your friends? Yeah. If my mates, like Barry and John, are like, look, we're joining the Imperials. I'm like, well, did you sign me up? And if they say no, I'm going to be cut. Then I might join the Rebel Alliance. There we go.

Just to fuck them. But that's more of a personal thing against Barry and John. What are the benefits of joining the Rebel Alliance? Not my, not my, Hoth? Sweet helmet. Sweet helmet? Both pointing it like, well, I mean, it is a good helmet, but like the Empire have better helmets.

Do they? And more varied helmets. If we're going on Helmets Alone, you want to go The Empire. Darth Vader's helmet. Yeah, but I feel if I came to work in Darth Vader's helmet, Darth Vader might get angry and choke me. You're not going to get... But the thing about Darth Vader's helmet is that it's in that, like, weird pod.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could sneak in there and have it lower onto your head. And also, if he's like on the Death Star, I could be like miles away in a different universe, galaxy, wherever, and I could just put it on and people are going to think I'm Darth Vader. You're not quite as tall as him, but you could

probably pull it off. Also, isn't his suit like mostly robot bits? You'd have your arms, your pink, fleshy arms sticking out of the... Everybody would know. But like, what do the Rebel Alliance get in terms of helmets? I'm on a helmet train here. So in terms of helmets, the Rebel Alliance get the X-Wing fighter. Yeah, the red and white one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any other helmets? Or are we done for helmets? Are you including the prequels? Yeah, why not? I don't care. Do they get many different... There's the blast visor that Luke has that you can't see through.

Trash. That's good. I don't want any of these helmets. Harrison Ford doesn't wear a helmet. He gets a vest. Rebels have sweet vests. They got vests. I think that's Harrison Ford's vest.

Luke wears a... No, because they wear vests as well. It's just not as cool. Oh, that's true. They do. They do. They do. So what other benefits, aside from one sweet helmet,

do I get from joining the Alliance? You get to meet a princess and Mon Mothma's pretty hot. Mon Mothma looks like a mum and... Admiral Ackbar, we get to hang out with fish people. That's not... When I'm like, oh, I want to join the Alliance, they're not like, we got a hot

leader and a fish man. Come on down. That's not in their advertisement on the space TV. They're not like, join the rebel alliance, look at this sweet fish man. He's a race of people. There are fish men everywhere. I can see fish men in my day-to-day life.

Would the Imperials take on fish men? I don't know. The stormtroopers all seem to be pretty much human at the end of the day. All right. I'll help you out here. Okay. How about we change the question?

Throw us a bone. Because you guys picked the question. I said it out loud. Then you fucked me. Yeah. That was good. Anyway, we'll change it to would you join the Imperial Army? Yes, in a heartbeat.

Why? I have. They've probably got a good government cushy job. Yeah. Right? To John Q like, a good government cushy job, right? To, like, John Q. Citizen in the Star Wars universe. Are they doing anything bad? Like, take from what we know about the Emperor, right? He's come on TV being like...

Old man. Old man being like, look what the Jedi's did to my face, those sons of bitches. I'm going to be like, nah, good. Like, but I saved you from the Trade Federation. Is that what the prequels are about? He did something good. Yeah? I think he did, yeah. He was like, I saved you from whatever, and I'm like, good, he's done good. And then, what else does he do?

Nothing. He sits in his little emperor throne room and doesn't impact my life. I really like that in the ad, he's like, the Jedi's hurt my face. Specifically like me, I, the emperor, was victimized. Fight the Jedis for me. Yeah, alright. Actually, maybe I wouldn't join

the Empire because fighting Jedis seems like a lot of a hassle. No, but the Jedis have already been killed. They're all dead. I don't have to do anything. Oh, okay. Yeah, for sure. It's the Empire then. Yeah. Would you still join knowing the consequences of joining the Empire? What are the consequences? Being blown up. Yeah, but I could

be blown up as a rebel. Yeah. What if I'm like one of the, you know, not like Luke Skywalker, but one of the other guys who's piloting an X-Wing, and I'm just going to get, like, shot out of space like a dickhead? Like, I'm an okay... I love that we've both, like, directed these at you. Like, Joel Dusha, recruitment officer for Alliance and the Imperials.

So, I'm an okay driver. Yeah. But, like, I still reckon I'm going to get shot out by at least one of the TIE Fighters. I don't think any of us... I can drive a TIE Fighter if I'm an Imperial. No, no, no. That's kind of cool. Because none of us are prepared to fly in three-dimensional space.

That's true. You know what I mean? You can drive forward, backward, and to the side, but the moment they're, like, up and down, you're going to be like, I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. What about, can I pick my position in the Imperial Army? No. Damn.

What do we get then? Yeah. You're the recruitment officer. I'm hiring you because I'm the recruitment officer now, so I'm the boss. Surprise! We fucked us up. All right, so I'm hiring you guys as stormtroopers.

Okay. So you're just regular run-of-the-mill infantry. But I'm under control of war. Yeah. All right. So I'm hiring you guys as stormtroopers. Okay. So you're just regular run-of-the-mill infantry. But I'm under control of war. No. You have to be good, I guess, at your job. I'm sulking now. Why? I'm a stormtrooper that sulks.

Don't want a sulky stormtrooper. You're fine. I'm a stormtrooper. Whatever. Keep going. We won't worry about this guy. He did the job because he sulked at the interview. Who is this man who comes up to a recruitment office, sulks

when he gets, they're like, yeah, come on down. And he's like, I don't even want to anymore. I don't want to be a storm mover. No. He can just go get a juice or something. Recruit me. All right. Hi. Hey, how you doing? I don't know how you knew my name, but yeah, that's me. Hi, you handed in your resume.

So I read your resume. That's my name. That's my bad. Sure. I'm going to put a cross next to intelligence Dang Alright so why would you like to join The Imperial Army As a stormtrooper You applied for this job

I did, sweet helmets for once A lot of people tell me they got good helmets A fish person I saw on your ad on the TV He got fish people, that's sick No sorry sorry We're the the TV. He got fish people. That's sick. No, sorry, sorry. With the Imperial Army. We wipe out fish people. Oh, my God.

I've come to the wrong one. Let me go to the other one. Hi, I'm Joel Duescher. I run the recruitment for the Rebel Alliance. Oh, okay. You're the one with the fish people. Yes. Sweet. I was over at the other one for the Imperial Army. Oh, no, don't do that. I'm having quite a day.

So really, I think it's on both their problems of just having the same place for the recruitment centre. It's like competing stalls at a job expo. Princess Leia's sitting on one side shaking her fist and Darth Vader's like, oh, got you. That's not his voice. Not Darth Vader. Darth Vader's like, I'll get you. That's not his voice. Not Darth Vader. Darth Vader's metal band.

I don't think I'd join either, to be honest. Can I run a bar? Yeah, can we run bars? Yes. Alright then. Because the people who run bars in the Star Wars universe seem to have it pretty good. You've got Dexter Jetster, who runs that 1950s diner in the second one. You've got thexter Jetster who runs that 1950s diner in the second one.

You've got the guy who runs the Mos Eisley Cantina. They have pretty good lives. Hive of scum and villainy. But he's alright. Hive of scum and villainy because really

who's the one that's causing all the trouble in that bar? Obi-Wan. Well, a guy comes up to me and he's like I don't like you. Yeah, I don't like you.

I don't like your kind i.e. troublemakers who are going to make this unpleasant bar. And what does he do? Cuts i.e. troublemakers who are going to make this an unpleasant bar. And what does he do? Cuts off his hand. Me and Zammert were talking about this in the car. That's why it's come up.

We're very angry at Obi-Wan. Really, that bar was lovely. He cuts off a guy's hand, like out of nowhere. Wait, but in the same bar, Han Solo murders Greedo. Yeah, and he's our hero. See, I reckon... You've seen it. Why is he a hero for just killing a simple greeter? Exactly, why is he

a hero? That's my point. No, you just said he was a hero. No, no, no, now we're on you. Yeah, now it's your own play. So the Imperial Army are good, and I think you'd be both great candidates for it. I have some sweet Tidefighter positions.

Yeah, alright. What are they like Ranking How does that kind of work So I start as a stormtrooper Yeah Say I've joined the Imperial Army I got turned around A couple times at the expo

But I found my way there And I've joined the Imperial Army I've been a stormtrooper For a while How do I upgrade How do I get to drive One of the big Metal donkey things

The AT&T AT&T's AT&T's Not AT&T? AT&Ts. AT-ATs. Not AT&T. I think that's an insurance company. I think it's a phone company. Yeah, how do I get in that?

So you want to drive an AT-AT? Yeah. Well, see, everyone has different uniforms, which makes you think that I guess they would probably just hire pilots. So I'm just always watching the people get in the AT-ATs, and I'm like, can I do that? And they're like, if training, driving a giant walking dog, I'm like, no, no, I guess not. I just went for a phone company.

I thought they were a phone company. That's my bad. What about if, like, can I work in, like, a design firm for the Imperials? Like, if they're like, we need a new Death Star, we've got to read the functions, but hey, we just need it to look cool, and I could be like, giant sphere. They're like, good.

How do we drive it? I'm like, I don't know. That's not my problem. The same as me needing training to drive an AT&T. You're going to need training to design a Death Star. I don't need a training for a circle. It's a circle. So like the actual design.

Not like of the internal stuff. No, none of that bullshit. It's like how pretty it looks. Well, I mean, I don't know. Dush is in charge. Hey, hi. I'm Joel Dush of recruitment office of art design for the Death Star. So I'm thinking lots of greys, severe.

Wait, so you're just pitching the Death Star again? I was thinking before the death. Have you not watched the movies we're in? This is episode four. Okay, I'm picturing bigger Death Star, same thing, half complete, still grey. Sold. I'm going to win that contract for my firm. Fuck the question we asked before.

I've got a new question. Why do they design a second Death Star to be exactly the same as the first Death Star? But bigger. Luke blows up the first one and survives the next two movies. So when they're building Return of the Jedi Death Star, they know that Luke Skywalker exists. And he blew up the first one. Can they just build another one? Oh, wait, no, there's the

things, the onendor. What are you saying? The shields. Well, yeah, that exists too. But I'm guessing it was already in development. And you know when a project is already halfway down the developmental line and everything's already there, it's like we've already paid for the nuts and bolts. Just build another Death Star. For the steel, we've already got... Chuck another

one up. All the materials have been mined and processed, and we've already got a Chuck another one up. All the materials have been mined and processed and we've already got a factory designed to build a Death Star. It'd kind of be silly if we didn't build a second one. Just putting it out there. Like, cost analysis-wise, let's build a second Death Star. Imagining a factory that can build a Death Star is hard because the Death Star is very big.

Well, it would be in small components and you'd ship it in space. You're not wrong. Christ almighty. No, seriously. Yes. How big is the factory that built the Death Star? It's a big factory.

I'm guessing it's a big factory, but they're not going to pop it out like a goddamn gumball. It's going to be in parts. Just like popping out of a big shed and floating up into space. Got another one. Like a balloon. Yeah. Just whoop.

Up it goes. Why did they build it like a sphere? That's what I always... Because that doesn't seem like a very aerodynamic design. I know we're in space and we don't need it to be aerodynamic. There's no air in space. There's no air in space. I get that.

But why is it... What's the beauty of a sphere? That's a lot of how far away we are from our question. There's no air in space, I get that. But why is it, like, what's the beauty of a sphere? I also love how far away we are from our question. That's delightful. But why did they, what's the good of a sphere? I'm guessing because they hired the design firm who is like, spheres, they're just so beautiful. I really feel. Circle windows,

circle floors, circle everything. I actually have a legitimate answer, which is rare. It would probably be camouflage. Like, hey, that's no moon. What? It's a star shape. Yeah, it's a death star, but it's like

a moon. No, it's not a star shape. Stars are pointy. Yeah. I've seen stars. Several of my friends are Jewish. I know their thing. It's a star. It's points. A moon is a sphere. Of course!

The person that yelled at us. People should do that more, I guess. We'll react. So what, like, people are going to go out, they're like chilling, for some reason they were farming at night, looking up and being like, moon looks good, wait a minute, there's two moons! And then we get blown up. So you're saying that the reason the Death Star's a sphere is so that in the moment before our planet gets destroyed,

we're like, there's just two moons. Is this like they're hunting? Like, kind of like, you know, you say you're hunting, like, elk or whatever, and you kind of got to, like, get all camouflaged. Is the Death Star now hunting planets? And you're being like, darn it. Like, honestly, they could have made the Death Star out hunting planets and he's being like darn it like honestly they could have made

the Death Star the shape of just a big gun and like achieved the same thing just to be like brap brap brap into a planet

flying off the only reason they might have it as shaped like a moon is because that one line where he's like that's no moon do you reckon like

the rest of like the Imperials were hoping that was going to happen and maybe they got Do you reckon the rest of the Imperials were hoping that was going to happen? And maybe they got a little... But the thing is, you know where the moon is. Yeah. Like, if the moon was somewhere else...

Wait, hang on, Jack. Point to the moon. I don't know where it is now. Where would it be? Even if I point in the wrong direction, nobody's going to know. I know. There, there you go. Prove me wrong.

I don't know if you're wrong yet. Exactly. But that's kind of my point, where you wouldn't know. wrong I don't know if you're wrong yet Exactly But that's kind of my point We've got someone going outside to check Is somebody actually checking up on my moon locating abilities? I think your problem's going to be that it looks like it's still sunny outside Yeah, exactly That's Samet's problem, not mine

You fucked up Who knows where it is? So you don't know where the moon is Exactly What? What? We're next We're next?

Ah, right, there's no no the death star is coming for us that's yeah because we can't see the moon we're going to get blown up so i yeah there's no need for camouflage yeah it could be like i was thinking like oh ships but then i was like because no because ships should know where planets are also the camouflage means it's a like there's a surprise which means there's an element that we could kind of dodge this. There's no dodging the Death Star. I'm like, come on, planet food. It's not like if we notice the Death Star in the sky,

we could be like, oh, everybody scoot left. They should have put the laser on a Star Destroyer. Yeah, probably. Or many. The whole thing's a mess. Also, it's called a Star Destroyer. Can I destroy a star? Because if so, then it's better than Death Star.

Because that's just a planet like a shitty planet. Death, I guess. Is that what it comes down to? Wait, does that mean a Star Destroyer can destroy the Death Star? Can it? Mutiny. I'm hiring you guys and depending on you like you did in this episode. Okay, so you're hiring us as double-double agents?

Another issue I have with being Stormtroopers, getting back to our original question, is that uniform. We were talking about the helmets and stuff. Let's get into that. Let's talk about that uniform. Bright white, terrible camouflage. Unless you're in Hoth.

Unless you're in Hoth, but they are only once. And they win that battle. Coincidence? Empire, look into this. No, seriously, that's the only time that... Yeah. God damn it, guys. The Empire is just into this. No, seriously, that's the only time that... Yeah. God damn it, guys. The Empire is just pretty embarrassing.

Yeah, because like Return of the Jedi, the Rebels are wearing like indoor clothes. Yeah. Well, we blend in. Is that when they have those helmets that are like the fancy bike helmets? Yes. Yeah, good.

So there you go. I was just double checking. I need to know the Star Wars universe by helmets yeah what would you join you never answered well

we just turned on you and got sidetracked yeah and I was like guys I don't know what to say also if you join the rebels

don't say who you join if you join the rebels you're always going to have to compete with Luke and Han and Chewie yeah I'm joining the rebels because I'm confident I can Rebels, you're always going to have to compete with Luke and Han and Chewie.

I'm joining the Rebels because I'm confident I can. Also, I don't want to be on your team anymore, the opposite of what happened at the start. Why are my friends joining the Imperial Army? Come on. I think if I was part of the Rebel Alliance with the whole gang. With Luke, Leia, Han, Joel. I think I'd feel superior to Chewie. I'll say that.

I feel like I'm kind of better off than Chewie. You're like the Sandspins Chewbacca anyway. No one understands you. We just pat you on the head. I'm really good at fixing spaceships. Very good at fixing spaceships.

But hard to communicate with, I guess. No, but think about Chewie. Imagine Han Solo's the only person who can really communicate with Chewbacca, right? So if you're in the Rebel Alliance and you need to give Chewie a command... Well, Han isn't really part of the race. Is he just going to be like...

You're going to be like, I don't know what conversation we're having. Do you know what I'm saying? Does C-3PO understand him? He should. He should. I don't know if it's a yes or a no. Well, yeah, actually, yes, I think he can.

Well, that's great. Two people in the Rebel Alliance can understand Chewbacca. Well, that droids him probably. No one can understand R2 except for Luke for some reason. The other robots can. That's fine. Imagine if you're in, okay, scenario. You're in the heat of battle, right?

Chewbacca, he's on a hill like a meerkat, keep and watch. Yep. Right? Yep. And he sees there's some stormtroopers

coming up the hill and he turns around and he goes, yeah? What are you going to do? You're going to be like, what? All clear?

Good. What's going on, Chewie? I hear you. Yeah, good. It's sick I'm good mate how are you? It's half dire for white Come on

If I'm up there I can be like stormtroopers Run! You're a bad rebel You don't run from stormtroopers Unless you're running away and then hiding It was just pure cowardice Which I think that's why you should join the Imperial Army. I think you have more of a chance to be a coward in the Imperial Army.

You just kind of back away from the other soldiers. Well, everybody looks the same. Nobody's going to know if I've fucked up. You know what I mean? That's nice. We're sort of hitting the point where we've hit exactly the same problem that the Imperial Army have. Yeah.

Where the Empire's got people like you guys joining and the rebels have people like me. Yep. And that's why the Death Star blew up. What? That wasn't you. That was Luke. You were just watching from somewhere else.

Being like, sick, we got it. Luke, remember me? Your best friend, Joel. Luke comes back, and you're like, we did it. He's like, who are you? You're like, ah, never mind. Red six. Red six.

Let's go have some party to Endoy Lake, I guess. But if we're talking like job satisfaction, which I guess we are now, me and Zamet kind of have it worse as stormtroopers because we are just like a white helmet in a sea of white helmets. But what is our job? Darth Vader's never signaling us out.

But what is our job as stormtroopers? We walk around shooting rebels, right? That's our job. Our job is killing rebels. What did you do before the rebels were a thing? Exactly, that's my point. What the hell are we doing? Do we get to decide?

Are we just like an army that's there to be like, just in case, ah, rebels, go and attack them. Because really, it seems that everything is fine if the rebels didn't exist, Alderaan would still exist. Sounds like I'm victim blaming Alderaan, but maybe I am.

But, yes. yes Well I guess No surely the Imperial Army are doing something else Probably taking over planets So that they then side with the Empire Which I'm pretty sure is what they've been doing Because they've been doing something They've not just been kicking it On the Death Star waiting for something

To happen At the end of episode 3 they're're like, okay, Jedi are trash. Look at them. They did all this to my face. Yep. He's on the news. The Jedi's wrecked my face. Look what they did to my Darth Vader boy.

He was sweet, and then they just ruined him. Who were those, like, the Viceroy guys? I don't know. I don't remember the pre-generation. We got rid of them. They were doing this blockade bullshit. So we're heroes. Yeah? I don't know. I remember the previous. We got rid of them. They were doing this blockade bullshit. So we're heroes. Yeah, I guess. That's what you'd assume.

And so we've done good. So we need to form that and it gets voted in democratically, right? It's an empire. But everyone votes for him to take the power, yeah? Everyone votes for it to become an empire. And Jar Jar Binks has the last vote. That dickhead. So everyone's like, sweet. We love this guy. He's our new leader. And Jar Jar Binks has the last vote. That dickhead. So everyone's like,

sweet, we love this guy, he's our new leader and then what does he do? He builds a giant ship to protect us, we're assuming. Yeah, good.

Call it the Death Star. Call it the Death Star. Concerned. Make Star Destroyer. Eye in the sky. Eye in the sky, that's the name for it. Yep.

So what else do they do? Everything's fine until the rebels are like, nah, take him down. But that's the problem of space. Yep. So what else do they do? Everything's fine until the rebels will be like, nah, take him down. But that's the problem of space. Xamarin.

Yeah. It's big. It's very big. So like, stuff might be happening in a way we don't know about. I know. I'm a whale of space.

Why would I join the rebels? Exactly. What? Dusha? Why would we join the rebels? Oh, why? Space is big. Like, the shit that the Imperials are doing over there

ain't going to affect me. Yeah. But you work for the Imperials now, so... Wow. When did I do that? When did I sign up? At the job expo. Oh, that's right.

About half an hour ago. That was a confusing day for me. They gave you a package and everything. Here you go. I'm like, I don't know who I'm with. I guess I'll find out when I get there. But what jobs are there for, like, in the Imperial Army? Say that I got, like, all right, yes, you can join and be a stormtrooper.

Stormtrooper, sandtrooper, snowtrooper. It's got to be other aspects. Well, like, what you mean, like, in the army, like, you have... Well, just in the army, but in that whole Imperial regime. No, I mean, like, the real army, there are several different jobs. Like, you can be, like, the, like, the the like office people yeah yeah did they get a sick uniform for the imperial office helmet no why not i reckon it'd be all right i didn't think that the imperials need a pr team because they called the ship the death star exactly and star destroyer

and while that's great and sounds metal as fuck it's not the best we're still looking for an answer from you douche no i was worried about that home i was like where And while that's great and sounds metal as fuck, it's not the best. We're still looking for an answer from you, Dusha. No, I was worried about that hum. I was like, where'd that come from? We were harmonising. Yeah, it was beautiful. Deal with it. So now you've quit your jobs,

and now you're not working for the Imperials, but you're also not working for the Rebels. Yeah, I'm back to square one. Well, that answers the question of whether you would join the Rebel Alliance or not. No. And you also wouldn't join the Imperials, and I guess that's it. I guess not.

Dildo should just rebel against the question. That's it, never mind. Because with the Imperials, right, if I don't join them, or I do, I guess I still can do other things. I can still run a bar, I can still do other kind of stuff. How are the Rebels even recruiting me?

How do I know that they can't even... Well, they probably travel planet to planet, come down, start a job expo or like join the rebels no you know if i live in the like in in the the emperor controlled space how would i know but maybe they're basically employed by the emperor to be like try and find out some rebel people who sympathizes create like a fake recruitment office. I'd be worried. So you think that maybe the rebels are Empire created?

Is that what I'm taking out all of this? No, but let's go with it. Yes. If it wasn't for the Empire the rebels wouldn't exist. I don't know what I was doing. I was confused by you. Okay, that's fine. That still means I'm joining the Rebels. But why?

What are you going to do all day? Hang out with Luke and Han? It'd be like, you know... It'd be like being at Ferris Bueller's high school. Joining the Rebels would be like being at Ferris Bueller's high school. Yeah. Ferris Bueller gets all the attention, and you just sit around and have to make sure they survive.

I could raise awareness. Everybody in the school, make sure Ferris Bueller survives. I'll walk around with a tin like that guy at Ferris Bueller's day off where he's like, hey, raise money for Ferris, he's dying. And then Leia will go tell me to piss up a flagpole. That's what I'm taking from this. That's why you're joining the rebels.

That one interaction with Leia. There's not much really to do for the Rebels. Yeah. There's plenty of stuff to do. Plant a death star, blow up a death star, hang out with Han, hang out with Luke, hang out with Leia. Yeah, but like in the Death Star or in the Imperials, I get to hang out on a Death Star, I get to hang out on a second Death Star, get to hang out on like an Endor planet, get to hang out with like Darth Vader and the Emperor and Boba Fett.

That's the problem with both of them is that you don't get to hang out with Darth Vader and the Emperor and Boba Fett. You can hang out with a hut. That's the problem with both of them, is that you don't get to see any of the cool people. Plus, if you're in the Empire and you do get the attention of Darth Vader, it's not going to be good. That's true. It's not going to be like,

he's going to be like, hey, good job. You're going to get force choked. Yeah, I would. I'm going to put in a third faction. Okay. Good. Jabba the Hutt's palace. Yes! going to put in a third faction. Okay. Good. Jabba the Hutt's Palace.

Yes! I'll be a dancing monkey man. What are you? I'm going to look after the Rancor. You'll be the Rancor lad. I'll work the door. Yeah, Rancor, Rancor. Rancor.

That's a hard thing to say. And then, when that all gets fucked off. When the barge explodes, we all die. No, no, no, no. I don't want to go on the barge. Weren't there, like, several barges? Can we be on a little sneaky barge? Get a sneaky, like, whoop, whoop, whoop, we disappear? Not even our problem, we're off?

I reckon, alright, so Leia is, like, on the barge. Okay. Oh, no, actually, no, that doesn't... No, Leia's on the barge, but she's the captain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a double agent on there somewhere, yeah? Why? No, isn't there?

Someone? Okay. I'll watch his name. Lando, yeah. There is a double agent on there somewhere, yeah? Why? No, isn't there? Someone? Who is that? What's his name? Lando. Lando, yeah. Did Lando make friends in Jabba's Palace? He was there for a while because he had to infiltrate Jabba's Palace.

He had to become a guard. Did he make friends? I guess it would sort of be like when cops go undercover and they're friendly with gangsters. Lando got too deep. Lando doesn't know who he is anymore. So there was some guards in Jabba's Palace

who, when it was revealed that Lando was, like, ah, I've been working against you, they're like, you piece of shit. They're like, we play cards. I told you about my secrets. That's literally how undercover works. I know. I think morally I'm against it. Against undercover work?

Yes. I think it's mean. But, you know, we're like, could you become friends with them? Could you become friends with any of them? That little, like, dancing monkey guy. I reckon I could become friends with that dancing monkey guy. He seems rad. I think if I became friends with him,

my cool levels for the rest of the palace would raise. Sure. All right. Good for you. Well, what I was saying is we go on the barge, Wendler's like, surprise, I'm working against you. You know things are about to go bad. You're like. Well, what I was saying is we go on the barge, Wendland is like, surprise, I'm looking against you. You know things are about to go bad. You're like, yeah, me too.

We were all in on it. And then you talk, what are the... Talando. Big old wink Talando, thumbs up. You know, piss off, get out of there. Alright. It's safe.

It's safe. And Jabba's palace will be empty. And then we get it. He's blown up. Wait, did they blow up Jabba's palace as well? Yeah. Oh no, he's... The barge gets blown up.

We just get to keep his palace. It's sick. No helmets, though. That's the downside. No, they have cool helmets. They do? Landru's got that cool helmet. That's Landru.

Oh, no, they do have cool helmets. No, but you know what? You made it seem appealing at first, the idea of just kicking it in Jabba's barge. But actually, he just roams around the desert all day. That sounds really boring. All of the options that we've presented today, the rebel alliance...

Can I fit in with the Jawas? No, no, you're not a Jawasan. No, but if I put on a robe and, like... No, no. Crouched? They're going to eat you alive. Fix some droids? Nah.

Nah. But of all the ones we've presented, they all kind of sound like they'd just be a boring time. So we're all just quitting our jobs and working in the bar? Yeah. The bar! Back to the bar! The bar does sound kind of cool. Because, look, you're going to get a lot of interesting people.

Yeah. They're going to come in. You're going to meet again. You're going to meet a Jedi. Yeah. You're going to probably meet a fish dude. Although what he's doing in Tatooine is kind of questionable. He's having a fun time.

He's moisturizing. He's good. What was Greedo's? You got that. He's moisturising. He's good. What was Greedo's? You've got that. That race. Yeah. You get to meet all these cool people. It's a cosmopolitan environment.

Living in a bar. Working in a bar. Yeah, working in a bar. Plumbing the death blah. Plumbing the death blah. Plumbing the death blah. That's what we'll call it. People will be like, I don't understand the name.

We'll be like, sorry. And plus then we can sell to both sides. Like, have you had a tough day working for the rebels? Why don't you come into the plumbing the death blah? Exactly. Have you had a tough day working for the empire? Come into the plumbing the death blah. But we just keep them on separate sides.

Are you a fish man? Come to the blah. The blah. Come to the blah. We already got the name. Branching away from the franchise. I'm starting my own. Start our own fucking bar.

Start a bar each. Why is there always a divide? We're all friends. That's how the lights on the dark side started. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Three mates wanting to build a bar. A blah.

A blah. Three mates want to build a blah. And I think we should be... What? Nothing. Why would there be a light dark side and a blah? I think we should do chicken bombers.

I want field! Split the bar down the middle. Like a sitcom. Done. Consider it sorted. Split the bar down the middle. Like a sitcom. Done. Done? Consider it sorted. But would I join the rebels? No, no, I wouldn't.

It seems like a hassle, too much work. I would always be in Luke's shadow. And my chance of being blown up would be almost as equal, or if not, no, maybe less than the Imperials. It just doesn't sound like a safe time, really. Yeah, the Imperials, only the people in the Death Star would get blown up.

Or the Star Destroyers. Or the Star Destroyers. Or the TIE Fighters. Just don't go to war. How about that for an idea? How about we just don't sign up? Yeah, but what if you're like...

Let the soldiers take care of it. Yeah, but what if you're married to a soldier and he goes off to war to join one of the factions and I'm going to be a war widow?

The Empire will look after you. Join the Empire because you'll get a war widow's pension. The rebel ain't giving you shit. Yeah. We're in it for the pensions, dude. He's got a point. Seriously. Empire, their guy dies.

Like, I'm like, you know, yeah, we get like a war widow pension. Rebel, their guy, I'm like, damn, I just lost my husband. Bummer. And now the Empire hate me because they think I'm one of them. Shit. The PR company, like the health company, who pays our pensions, guys? I don't know.

They work on the Death Star too, probably. No, what? They're not going to keep everything in one Death Star. Else they wouldn't have a second Death Star to fill people with. They made it bigger, which means they needed more people. They ain't got a lot of people. They got a lot of planets. Good.

Yeah, all right. For the pensions, we choose the Empire. For the fame, I'm choosing the Rebels. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. And that is in plumbing the Death Star life. Round of applause.

Who would actually join the rebels? Yeah. Yeah! Empire. All right. Empire wins. Jabba's Palace. Jabba's Palace wins.

Jabba's Palace is going to be very crowded. I'm going to be all squished into Jabba's gross back. Can I wash Jabba's Palace is going to be very crowded. I'm going to be all squished into Jabba's gross back. Can I wash Jabba? Yes. Jalducia says yes. I think I know who won this episode. I did. I didn't wash.

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