Plumbing the Death Star - Would You Reveal Spider-Man's Secret Identity if You Were in Spider-Man 2 Made by Sam Raimi and You Were on the Train Where Spider-Man's Mask Came Off and You Saw Spider-Man's Face?

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

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San Spence Radio, Australia's most family-friendly podcast network. Did you know they make toy smartphones for babies now? What is that? My little dick pic? I don't know. Hey guys, it's Cameron James from the Total Reboot podcast. Just letting you know that I'm doing an hour comedy show at the Sydney Comedy Festival, April 29 to May 1 at the absolutely marvellous Enmore Theatre. It's in a smaller room, but that's not important. Book at sydneycomedyfest.com.au.

There is limited seating, so please book early, baby. Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, would you reveal Spider-Man's secret identity if you were in spider-man 2 made by sam raymond you were on the train when spider-man's mask came off and you saw spider-man's face okay so obviously the answer, I feel like, and I don't want to put words in any of your boys' mouths.

I hate to speak from all of us, but I think if we just go three, two, one, yes. The moment Spider-Man, the kid pulls out Spider-Man's mask. I'm already texting. J. Jonah Jameson being like, got him. I'll be texting, because at this point, do we have picture phones? No.

Picture phones. It's 1998. It's 2003, I think. So do we have camera phones? Yeah, yeah. Well, because, okay, there's a couple of things that we've got to take into account. That even feels wrong to say. Camera phones is right.

Picture phones is wrong. But there's a couple of things. It's not just like, because there's more, everybody else in the train, we have to assume, is keeping the secret identity. Yes, everyone agrees. So if you're just sneakily pulling out your phone, you're like, yeah, dude, I will. Do we have camera phones at this point?

2003, surely. Not high quality ones, but I think we do. 2003, so we're early high school. You're middle high school. Maybe graduating. No, I'm a year away. From graduating? From graduating. Did you have picture phones?

No. Stop saying picture phone. I hate it. Picture phone sounds fun. It's funny. It's funny. It's funny. Oh, picture phone.

Camera phone. Grow up. We had Nokias. Yeah, but like 3210. 3210? 3210 might have had a camera. I don't think it did. No, I don't think it did. Is that the one with the, you know, the phone, the Nokia phones that had like, so after the

3315. Oh, the ones that like slid? No, no, no. The phone that's like kind of almost like the see-through Gameboy aesthetic, but the numbers were like. Oh yes. I know the one you mean. Cause that was like the first camera phone.

I refuse to say picture phone. That was like the first camera phone. I refuse to say picture phone. That was like the first camera phone that was popular. When did the first picture phone come out? But this is vital information, because we're either taking a grainy photo or texting J. Jonah Jameson. The first commercial camera phone was in 1999. Notice that it says camera phone. I refuse to know that.

So it's feasible that we could have had one. It is feasible, but I don't know if we would as like your everyday Joes. Late teens and early teens. So it feels like it would have taken a while.

First cell phone with a built-in camera was manufactured by Samsung and released in South Korea in June of 2000. Okay. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely. Yeah. I think it would be somewhat unlikely for us to have a phone. Or, Joel Dusha coming in with the ultimate theory. So, do you remember the Motorola Razors flip phones?

Yeah. They were 2004, and I had one of those. Okay. So, to imagine a simply a year before as a grown adult person. You could have theoretically had a picture phone. In theory, you probably would have had a camera phone. Stop saying picture phone. Nokia, I think it was a 66.

Well, whatever. I'll say you can have a camera phone if you want to. That's fine. All right. Because I would be, if everyone was just like, oh, my God, it's Spider-Man with anything. I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm going to get my phone out. And the vibe kind of seemed more like we aren't telling anyone.

Yeah, of course. It's the same. I'm texting my boss. I'm texting my wife that I'm not telling anything because we're on this train and we're going to be late for work and I'm going to text my boss and say that we're late

so just texting the boss yeah look so Spiderman 2 was 2004 so we're having camera friends so you're sending it. I'm just taking some photos, and they're not making any sounds, and that's great.

Yeah, that's true. Would you be sending those photos now to J. Jonah Jameson? Here's the thing. Quick question. Everyone on the train, they're like, it's just a little boy, same age as my son, or no older than my son, or whatever. We don't have a son, so we don't care.

Yeah. But also, so Peter Parker works in a newspaper. Is there a chance that his face is published in any of those newspapers? No, because he's a photographer. He's a wiener boy. He's not like an author. No, no, no. Also, in 2004, the camera phone, did it make a noise?

I imagine it would have had surely like a big flash. No flash. I'm not getting a camera phone with a flash. No flash, but there would be a noise. What do you? Yeah. Oh, the train's making a wiener noise. No flash I'm not getting a camera No flash But there would be a noise What do you Yeah I'd be Oh the train's making a weird noise From the boys

What do we do The only thing that I might not be like Revealing is identity And it wouldn't be like Because I wouldn't Wouldn't be doing it It'd be like

Yeah Try to describe Tobey Maguire To Maguire to someone Yeah It was a boy He had brown hair Doughy head Yeah White be like, yeah, try to describe Tobey Maguire to someone. Yeah, it was a boy, he had brown hair. Doughy head. Yeah. White, melting.

He looked sore. Bit beat up, was sleeping. It looked like just a boy. I might be going in for more than a photograph. When that little kid pulls up the mask, I might pull it, or pulls down the mask I might pull it back up. Let's just see if he's okay, everybody,

and then see if I can steal the mask. Oh, that's good. Sell it as a relic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A relic. Yeah. Spider-Man relic. I just, or he'd be like, yeah, yeah, he's got a pad.

Pad his, like, costume to see. I am a doctor. I am a doctor. I'm just padding his costume to see if he's got a wallet, maybe some identification. See if he's got a wallet. I'm just padding his costume to see if he's got a wallet, maybe some identification. See if he's got a wallet. I need to check his ID. I'll be like, oh, what about this for a strategy?

I'm like, oh, my God, this man's been impersonating me. I am Spider-Man. I take off his costume while Peter Parker's unconscious and I put it on. Thank you, citizens. Don't know who this boy is. Then how do you go away? The train's still moving. No, the train's not. It's the same.

Which is even funnier because we're just like on that raised platform or whatever. Just gonna open the door. Oh! What if the door opens? But when the rest of the crowd... Whip away, Spider-Man! Yes! Go on, Spider-Man,ip away, Spider-Man! Yes!

Go on, Spider-Man, because this fake Spider-Man stopped the train. Could you just shut the door behind me? You just see me, like, skirting past the window. Boom, boom, boom! Whip away, Spider-Man! And I just fall off and die. I don't think I was Spider-Man at all. When they lift him up and he's crowd surfing or whatever,

that's a perfect time to take the mask. Oh, that's very true. Okay, but this, again, apart from stealing memorabilia, which we are all wanting to do. AKA relics, apparently. I just, okay, how are we revealing his identity? Who to? What are you doing?

Are you going to a composite artist? Like a sketch artist? He's kind of got doughy eyes. He's white. Brown hair. Think brown eyes? He looked to be anywhere between 20 and 40. Brown to yellow to blue eyes.

I wasn't looking. His eyes were closed. Sick. He looked sick. Again, like, okay, I'll just draw something that I think he looked like. I'm not an artist, so. Well, that's why you have the photo, though. Yeah.

Yeah, but even if it's a grainy 2004 photo. Yeah, but still, photos looked like photos. Yeah. He looked like. But what proof? If you took a photo of someone's face you could tell

it was a face the problem here though is if you take a photo how do you get that phone out without getting mobbed on you take a photo of everyone and then I'm a photographer

take a photo of everyone and be like if anyone bashes me I'm taking this to the police too well they'll just take the phone I was robbed by the city of New York we were meant to come together Like if anyone bashes me, I'm taking this to the police too. Well, they'll just take the phone.

I was robbed by the city of New York. We were meant to come together. I'm the victim here. It's meant to go on the cloud. Cloud hasn't been invented. So, yeah, how are you surreptitiously taking a photo and getting that photo out? How are you revealing Spider-Man? Because also if you took that photo, and it's the classic problem,

say you take that photo to J. Jonah Jameson, you're like, this is Spider-Man. He's like, how do I not? Yeah, because then it's like, alright. J. Jonah Jameson is the perfect person to show it to, because Peter Parker works for him, and he can show Peter Parker. Yeah, that's true. And Peter Parker's like, what? That's not me. What?

That's not me. But then you'd be like, alright, well, I'm gonna verify this. Then he goes to everyone else on the train, and they're like, that's not Spider-Man. Except these three fucking idiots are to everyone else on the train and they're like that's not Spider-Man except these three fucking idiots are like that's the guy there he is

that's Spider-Man but we've got a whole train full being like well we can't corroborate this so no yeah that is true well then you've got a

you've got a 12 angry man don't you you've got to get everybody on the train to agree with you that you need to reveal Spider-Man's secret identity but also

I reckon if it's the pressure of like you go to a so we get into J.J. and J.J. Emerson, he interviews people from the train. It just takes one person. Yeah, that's 12 angry men, baby. One person, then everybody falls. You're like, do we really like Spider-Man? Spider-Man caused this train to crash

maybe. I wasn't paying too much attention. And we've got single mothers out there. What if Spider-Man's sleeping with your mum? Are you thinking about that? He could be. He thwips around the city. He thwips around the city. He's young and probably horny.

He's virile. I reckon he's got a spider's virility. Look, if he can fight like a spider, climb like a spider, you know he can fuck like a spider. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong, New York. He could be fucking someone you know and they could love it and then you might have to raise a spider. Look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong, New York. He could be fucking someone you know, and they could love it, and then you might have to raise a spider baby. He might be fucking your wife right now.

No, he's not. He's unconscious. My wife's here. He's unconscious. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Not right now, now. He could be metaphorically fucking someone you know.

What do you mean? Like, as in, like, it's a metaphor. For what? New York. The city of New York. Bring me your hungry, your sick, and your tired. What are you saying? Then I'm kicked out anyway.

Fall off the platform. I've died again. God damn it. Okay, you can't 12 Angry Mountain them. Not the way I did anyway. Yes. So, you know, the only way to... Because it's hard to even, yeah, like to get everybody to agree with you

or to get everybody to corroborate that it was indeed Spider-Man on the train that day. Yep. No, I was going to be like, there will be an imprint of him on the front of the train. No, but as in like, so obviously people know that Spider-Man stopped the train. That part's not hard. Because we've got all the webbing

and all that kind of jazz. And also, that's a big thing. Lots of people witness this. The issue is more going to be like, how do you prove that the person you're saying is Spider-Man is Spider-Man because they don't want to know they're Spider-Man. They don't want it to be known, sorry, that they're Spider-Man.

Because J. Jonah Jameson is like, Oi, Peter, come in here. How do you explain this? Yeah, that's true. And also, Peter Parker takes photos of Spider-Man. So, like, I mean, J. Jonah Jameson can make that leap in logic, right? How much do we get paid for the photos of Spider-Man?

It's not a good photo. We're bad photographers. Your thumb's over yours. But also, again, like, Spider-Man could, or Peter Parker could be like, that's not, that, I guess it kind of looks like me, but not really. Do you believe that I, Wiener Boy, Peter Parker, could be Spider-Man? Yeah. Sir, if I was Spider-Man, why would I not be asking for more money and beating the shit out of you, my bad boss?

Good point. And then he'd throw his cup of coffee at the three of us. Get out of my office! And again, if you don't take the picture, and we are trying to reveal who Spider-Man is, how do we do that? New York's got a lot of people, and all of them look like that. Wait, all of them look like Peter Parker? Yes.

No, that is true. Okay, so he kind of looks like an old man, but maybe he's a teen. Yeah, he looks like, you know when an old man plays a teenager in a movie? That's him, Jonah Jameson. That's what he looks like. Yeah, I'm just trying to think if there's anything that happens in that scene that would help you identify him as Peter Parker. What is, like, looking at Peter Parker, what is memorable about Peter Parker?

Big, round, doughy head. He does not have any cool scars. No, no. Sometimes Peter Parker wears glasses round doughy head. He does not have any cool scars. No, no. Sometimes Peter Parker wears glasses to confuse us like Superman. Which is interesting because Spider-Man already confuses us by wearing a mask.

Double disguise. What about this? I got a grand strategy, right? But we need to go to the other end of the train to discuss it. Yep. We're going to the other end of the train to discuss it. Yep. We're going to the other end of the train to- I'm suffering from shock.

I need to take one of them post-shock pierces. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to piss the trauma out. You know what I mean? PSP, baby. PSP, percepturity. They're not listening. Anyway, so-

Yes, boys. If you take a photo of him, that's good, but I need to do something first so that we can distinguish that this man is Spider-Man, okay? So I'm going to go down and poke his eyes out or poke him in the eye or physically disfigure him in some way so that when you take the photo and then later on, people see that Spider-Man has no eyes or has a black eye or has got an eye patch.

Spider-Man's in fights constantly. Spider-Man's in a lot of fights. He's just recently been in front of a train. I don't know what your finger can do to hit his face. You're trying to say you can do more damage than a train? Not only was he hit by a train, he was fighting a person with his natural arms. Just going over, jabbing him in the eye with my finger,

breaking. Oh, no! I also like that after our meeting, we turn around and he's gone. You didn't let us say goodbye to him. That's so sad. I was definitely going to poke his eyes out. It's so funny to imagine I poke him in the eye,

it breaks my finger, I start crying, turn to you guys and that's when you take the photo. And so Spider-Man's a little bit in the back of his face. He's like, J. Jonah Jameson, this is Spider-Man. This is Spider-Man. He hit our friend behind the crying man.

Look, this is proof that Spider-Man's a bad man, and he hurt our good friend. He upset my friend. Look how sad. Look how broken his finger is. Look at what happened to me, J. Jonah. Spider-Man did this. You mean that unconscious boy behind you?

Yeah. He's unconscious in the photo. Yeah! He went to sleep after he hurt me. He was so tired. He took it out of him. I'm so tough usually. He was so exhausted, Audrey.

Or how about this, right? We take the photo. We've got a photo of Peter Parker. Now we wait and then we try and find... We don't know of Peter Parker. Yeah. Now we wait and then we try and find, because we don't know who Peter Parker is. How do we, because I'm thinking, oh, we blackmail Peter Parker. Yeah, but we don't know who he is. But again, he just looks like a boy.

The only thing is that you can take away is from that man that says, he's a young boy, no older than my son. So you're like, high school. But he's not in high school at this point because I was thinking yearbooks. You're going to every high school in New York and being like, can I just look through the yearbooks? As a grown adult man, I would like to look through your yearbooks.

I mean, I feel like you can definitely make it seem less suspicious because I'm like, I'm looking. You wouldn't say your age. And also, I'd be like, I'm looking at last year or the year before. I'm just trying to look for a former student. Yeah. Former student is better than current student.

It's still like, I'm like, okay, I'm calling the police. Why? You're just going to be there. Even if they don't call the cops on you, there's so many high schools, you know? You're not going to be able to do it. Let's find out. How many high schools are in New York? I reckon it's going to be a lot.

How many high schools? So many that by the time you, you know, it's not gonna be worth your time. NYC baby year. Yeah, it's good to put the baby in there to let Google know you're cool. How many? What are we talking about? Showing search results for how many high schools are in New York City. I spelt Median schools wrong apparently and it did not acknowledge the baby. 500 and 48. That's not heaps. That's a lot. That's your year.

500 and how much? 48. How many students in a high school year level? Oh, no. Yeah. It's 548 public district schools. Okay. Apparently 1,722 schools.

If you don't mind dedicating the next two years of your life looking for Peter Parker, it could work out. And the problem is, though, if you don't have a phone, like a picture on your phone to kind of like... Alright, I got a list. You're in, dude. If you don't have like, yeah,

the phone to kind of like match it up, you're kind of going by memory. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And again, you're like, doughy face. I reckon every single person on that train thinks they're walking past Peter Parker once every couple of weeks. Because they're going to be like, that was Spider-Man. They're going to have a look at some guy and just give a knowing nod.

And that kid's going to be like, I don't know what the fuck that was. Spider-Man know his mask was taken off? Yeah, because he looks up and he kind of shits himself. And they're like, don't worry, Spider-Man. Your secret's safe with me. And I'm like shaking my head behind them i'm telling everyone no no it's not safe with me dude family maybe an aunt because i reckon she's probably in trouble now hey dude if you have an aunt i reckon she's gonna die soon hypothetically if you own it i'll have an aunt maybe maybe if you have an aunt and she's probably gonna die soon maybe

marry your high school sweetheart just hypothetically yeah maybe if you have an aunt and she's probably going to die soon, maybe marry your high school sweetheart just hypothetically. Maybe make a deal with the devil. Like an uncle who died and gave you some good advice before he died. Yeah. Maybe if you have a friend who maybe is a goblin or some shit. I already know who you are, Peter Parker. Yeah, because I just... The only thing... Guess what, Peter Parker?

I'm toying with you. That's Dr. Octopus I fucking know Yeah, dude I know what's going on Yeah, you can How did you find out? I'm clever I'm clever

I'm switched on I didn't wait for Mary Jane's play or some shit Go on, go see them Hurry, get to it now I'm coming Yeah, I'm coming Save your spot Because you're late

I'm just Here, Aunt May's Her house is going to be foreclosed. Shame about that. You should go see the bank manager, Joel McHale. Yeah, I know everything. I know what happens to you in your life. Are you threatening me? No, I'm unrelated to all of it.

Operate at a different level. Okay, I'm not the cause. I just know what's going to happen in your life. Yeah. You're going to kill a man in a while with a plane kind of. With a plane? With a glider. Oh.

Well, you don't kill a man, but he dies. Your friend dies. It's his fault. Yeah. And then you're going to fight Venom. You got a lot going on. Yeah. Good luck.

Like some alien symbiote thing. It's pretty good. How do you know this? Anyway. Switch on. Yeah, good luck. Like some alien symbiote thing. It's pretty good. How do you know this? Switch on, speed up, fuck off. I pay attention to the clues. Now a quick word from our sponsors. Adam here, resident dungeon master to the stars. Did you know that myself and Jackson host a show here on Sandspan's Radio

where we create and show off homebrew content that we ourselves have created? It's called House Rules and if you've ever struggled for making your own content then it may just be perfect for you. Some episodes will come in with stories, classes and abilities that we've already made and tell you about them so you can see where we've succeeded and failed. And sometimes we'll even make the content on air so you can follow along at home and make your own or even improve upon ours. Head on down to sensepantsradio.com and sign up for a king-level subscription today to start listening.

I think that the biggest hurdle we have in terms of not keeping Peter Parker's identity secret is that no one is going to care enough of the little details we have. Well, that's why we've got to change him. Okay, so maybe I can't just figure him. Do the villains, do they have secret identities? No. Kind of.

Well, Doc Ock knows, A, that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, and also that he doesn't give a shit. He's like, I'm Dr. Octavius. And they're like, no,. Well, Doc Ock knows, A, that Peter Parker is Spider-Man and also that he doesn't give a shit. He's like, I'm Doctor Octavius and they're like, no, you're not,

you're Doc Ock. He's like, I guess. Green Goblin? Yeah. Who's dead by this point. He's dead, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that means

he's dead. He's got Sandman, but I don't know if he ever called himself Sandman. He's just like, I'm just going to try and get back to my daughter.

Because my plan was just tell people that might actually care, aka people that are trying to kill Spider-Man, but then all of a sudden I'm not just getting money. But then, what are you knowing? You just know he looks like a boy. He's a little boy. You should be able to kill him real easy.

Try bringing a gun. But you don't know his name. You don't know anything about him apart from that he can't be older than that guy who I also don't know's son. How old is that guy's son? That's very funny as well. He's like, he's no older than my boy. And you're like, how old would that be?

How old is your boy? Ten? I think he is. I don't think he's... Sir, how big is your boy? I've got a huge boy. Oh, I've got a huge boy. One of the biggest boys you've ever seen. Fuck this Spider-Man shit.

I've got questions for you. Can we come see this big boy? Can we come see this big boy? This grown man is no bigger than my eight-year-old son. He's in the back of his car driving. He's a huge boy. He's had a lot of twists and turns. Is your boy, is he any start-offs more? Is it like a Jack situation?

Yeah, he's just huge. Come look. Whoa, that's a huge boy. Hello, Daddy. Who are these? Your friends. Oh, they just wanted to see you, son. They heard you were huge.

Yeah, I'm big. Whoa! Yeah, you are no bigger than Spider-Man. Were you imagining we didn't get to see the boy? It was like from the boy's perspective. We just saw us reacting to his hugeness. He was looking down at us, maybe. That's a huge boy.

You've got to say huge as well. Have you taken him to a doctor to find out what made him so huge? I don't want to know. Some secrets are best kept secret. Have you taken him to a doctor to find out what made him so huge? I don't want to know. Some secrets are best kept secret. Fair call, dude. Knowledge is dangerous. Yeah, I forgot about that Spider-Man guy. This has been lovely.

I'm going to try and, after that, I reckon, go to Daily Plant? No. Daily Bugle. Daily Bugle. Trying to get a job as a photographer who just takes photos of that giant boy. That's way cooler than Spiderman. Is this big now? Are you the huge boy?

Thinking of Spiderman things happening? Me and my friend, the huge boy. Look, J. Jonah, think about it. He is this big at eight. How big is he going to get? If he keeps growing, which I imagine he will, he's going to be huge. He's going to be a huge boy to a huge man.

The idea of visiting the huge boy one day and he's just regular size. What happened? He's like, I just got normal today. Oh, no. I wish I'd stayed on that boat with Spider-Man. I've misremembered. Remember when we were with Spider-Man and there was two boats?

Yeah, the two boats crashed. And they were going to blow up. He was on one boat. I was on the other one. I don't think you guys were there. Yeah, the prisoners and the family blow up a boat. And I had to choose whether or not to kill Spider-Man's boat or my boat. And I picked my boat.

I jumped in the sea first. That was a cool day. I got to see a huge boy. Yeah. I think the biggest problem is just going to be like, what information do I have? That's why you've got to. Okay.

Crazy question. Yes. How much hair can I pull off a man's head? Well, again, can you even pull off Spider-Man's hair? His hair's got to be weaker than the rest of him. That's like the superhero rule. That's how fucking Clark Kent can mow his mustache. I mean, a lot of the time Superman is shown using his laser vision

to cut his own hair in the mirror. How does he do the back of his head? I don't know. Two mirrors. That's why he had the mullet. That makes sense. He couldn't get there huh yeah i just solved one of actually it was because he was in a regeneration chamber yeah but that didn't have mirrors why did they give him a mullet

because his hair doesn't go long so his hair is always a mullet yes what and so i guess he cuts it no because he okay like when the regeneration chamber there's a bit of screen there like like a mirror. He can see himself. He can't get the mullet. So he lasers it, so then it's a mullet because he can't get there. I think I've solved comic book's greatest mystery. Yes.

By figuring that out, yeah. Okay. So, because I was like thinking, if I can pull out Peter Parker's hair. Yeah. Then when we see him later, as Spider-Man, he wears a mullet. We're going to get a DNA test? No, I was imagining we see him later and we Spider-Man, he wears a mask. Wait, you're going to get a DNA test? No, I was imagining we see him later and we're like, well, that must be our guy because he's missing so much hair.

How much hair are you grabbing? That's why I asked how much hair I could pull off a mask. Again, you have to deal with a crowd of people who are like, you keep the crowd in place. It's a whole crowd. Yeah, good luck. And you've got scissors? No, I'm using my hands

And that's even worse I didn't prepare for this You're gonna scalp Spider-Man Yeah No ain't gonna happen I don't I'm so sorry I'd love for the

I'm just trying to work out What is a way That we can do this And make some sweet Yeah because we're looking For cash Yeah What if

You tell everyone on the train I'm going to tell Unless you all give me 20 bucks? Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah. Because they seem to be convinced that something like, you know, that we could like do something here. Because, you know, I would do the math pretty quick to be like,

I got nothing. Like, who gives a shit? Yeah, in my mind, all of the people there on the train, even though they're like, we're not going to reveal your identity. They also have seen, they're like, hmm. They're like, I couldn't. What am I meant to do with this? So it's like Peter Parker, as he's flipping away after that,

he's got to be like, that was actually a pretty meaningless promise they made me. How about this? It's pretty empty. How about this? To be like, oh, my God. It's, I don't know. It's Dave Crockett. Whatever.

You know, it's Greg. Oh, my God. It's my buddy. Don't worry. Yeah, I'll help him up. It's Sick Tim from A Christmas Carol. It's whatever his name is. What is his name? Little Timmy Crockett. I don't know, but it's awesome up it's Sick Tim from A Christmas Carol it's whatever his name is so what is his name

little Timmy Crockett I don't know but it's awesome that we all say three different things it's Greg it's Timmy Crockett it's Sick Tim that's his full name

so either way one of us kind of goes oh my god I recognise him as our good friend one of us says Timmy the other one says

Sick Tim so they're like oh that's the same one you're like it's David Crockett and then I hear you guys say your one so I'm like're like, it's David Crockett. And then I hear you guys say your one. So I'm like, oh, wait, no, it's not.

My mistake. It's whatever they say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim. Tim Crockett? Tim Crocker? Yes, yes, Tim. So we say it's Tim.

And we're like, oh, sick, Tim. Don't worry. We've got this. When they do that big lift of him, we're like, yeah, we'll get him. We'll grab him. And then we just, I don't know, take him to like a burger place and we get him chatting, find out his real name. Then we can sell his

identity. We weakened at Bernie's. But we are on a raised platform. And he wakes up before anything happens. But he's a bit muddled, right? He's a bit fuckled. Yeah, but I think it flips away. That's probably worse for us because he's muddled and he thinks he's being kidnapped.

All three of our heads mashed into the train. We're holding him, supporting him like these good friends. Support? Supporting him? Yeah. By weighing him down when he flips away? No, no, no. Because if he's got, say, an arm either side of us,

but we're also holding it. Then he wakes up and he's like, thanks so much, plumbing boys. He knows us. Don't worry, Kim. I love your podcast, Plumbing the Nuts. New episodes every Monday. And off he goes. What about if one of us...

Weighing him down idea's not bad. I've already done it. I pat my rock pockets and I'm like, this is so lucky. I've been so heavy all day and it's going to pay off. And I've been wondering why I did this since I woke up this morning. Now I understand. I think we were like maybe befriended him.

And if he wakes up, he's like, what's going on? Don't worry, mate. You took a tumble. We're going to get you to somewhere and we'll get like a burger milkshake. Yeah. So we're sitting there. He's got the mask up. He's drinking a milkshake.

And then how do you broach the subject of what's your real name? The thing that you try to keep as secret as possible. Yeah. So I'm Joel. This is Joel. This is Jackson. I'm Spider-Man. I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Damn. There's two of me. The tumble really split me into like a mitosis or whatever. Some of the thing is like fuckled. It'd be like, I'm Peter. I'm Peter Piederman. Oh my God. I run away with that.

I got to tell the world it's Peter Piederman. And we run. Well, then we like, oh, I don't have any, I've got to pay for this burger and, and, and shake. I don't have any money. Perhaps they'll take a, take a check. Yeah. Cause you just write the check.

Peter Piederman. He just flips away. Where left? Oh, no, I really didn't have my wallet. All I have is these rocks. Spider-Man's a dog.

I'd tell that story to Jay Jonah. He shafted me like six bucks. Spider-Man stiff citizen with the bill. Big photo of me being like, oh, holding a half eaten

I've eaten burger and milkshake. Somehow like the second photo in the newspaper article is the one of me crying. I printed the wrong one. Citizens get shafted and injured by Spider-Man. Spider-Man menace. Hurt these boys. In brackets, physically and financially. It's so funny to imagine us just genuinely like,

well, like we'll find a secret identity, but also he'll pay for lunch. Like that's just part of our plan. Free lunch, Spider-Man's identity, 20 bucks each, 60 bucks in total. Rich boys. This is what a day's work. Yeah. Well, what about fill my pockets with rocks?

As you normally do. When the little boy pulls down Spider-Man's mask, I push him out of the way and I maternally, like a baby suckling at the breast of its mother, clamp onto the front of Spider-Man. And then he's weighed down, he can't go anywhere, then you figure out the next step. And he'll way down, he can't go anywhere then you figure out the next step and he'll be like don't worry about our friend

he just imprints on people like a baby goose he's a huge baby that man is we might look like a man but he's a huge boy goo goo gaga how old are you son? what's a baby age? About

six. See? He's about six. A six-year-old saying Goo Goo Gaga. Why are your pockets full of rocks? I didn't know until now. Destiny, Mr. Spider-Man. And then when he wakes up, he'll flip away with you.

He flips away, but I'm with him. Okay. Full of rocks. He drops you in. So he's swipping away. You're holding on for dear life, being held down by rocks, so you're heavier. So it's going to be harder for you to hold on. I wish I had a second step to this plan.

And then he drops you off. He's like, where can I drop you off? I'm like, the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson's office. He drops me off there. I grab the mask off real quick. Revealed. Bada bing, bada boom. I don't think he takes you to the Daily Bugle.

He drops me in the East River. Yeah, with buckets full of rocks. Oh, my destiny was my death sentence. I just imagined this earlier in the day at Central Park, and I'm just filling my pockets with rocks and you're like, why are you doing that? And I'm like, I don't know. I've been paying attention to the clues. I'm locked in.

I'm locked in. Got an inkling. I'm just clued in. I'm just a wise little guy. And then we're drowning. Oh wait, no I wasn't! This was a fool's idea! I guess he wasn't so wise after all.

No, you don't think that. You're like, where's Jax? You're still on the train getting helped by an ambulance. He said, I'm six. And he flipped away with that. He clammed it on Spider-Man. Spider-Man flipped away. I just have the feeling I'm never seeing that boy again.

Find my friend. He's forever. He's going rapidly out to sea. That's interesting. Oh, wait, no, not moving whatsoever. You just, like, nudge Joe. You're like, that's rocks. He had all those rocks in his pocket.

Spider-Man's killed him. Was this his plan the whole time? It was his destiny. It was his destiny. That's why he was putting up rocks in his pocket. Hey, he killed Spidey. We can sell this story. Yeah, that's true.

Spider-Man kills baby boys. Spider-Man kills huge baby. Then we finally get that 20 bucks from J. Jonah. Yeah, 40 bucks you've made. You don't have my extra 20 because I wasn't involved,

but that's all right. In a way, I was, but you know. You became the story. And hopefully they erect a statue to me and Spider-Man's kicked out of New York. Spider-Man the huge baby killer. Yeah, exactly. New York loves the

huge baby. Hates Spider-Man. How old is this baby? Who cares? Too big. That's what the statue says. And then that man who did have a huge baby he's cut because it's not his huge baby that's famous. My baby's only eight and that size. That's obviously an adult man whose corpse they've fished out of the East.

Like, I can tell what's going on. My huge baby is stomping around. He's really- He becomes a Spider-Man villain. Yeah. Spider-Man versus huge baby. Spider-Man's like, didn't I kill you? Because he's confused as well.

No! You killed a man! I'm a baby! This is more like how a real baby would act. I get it. You want a nap? You want a nap? Yeah!

Wait, aren't you eight? This still seems too immature for an eight-year-old. Yeah, what's going on here? Maybe it's time I got out of the city. That's what Spider-Man says. And then he goes to the boroughs? I don't know where Spider-Man goes. Yeah.

I forget where he lives. The Bronx? Who can say? Queens. That's right. He lives in Queens. Yeah. I think even though we would all be so eager to reveal.

It's harder than it looks. It sure is. Because there is no real identifying features. Even if you had a full-on smartphone, even if it happened now, in the year of our Lord 2021, what could you do? You could get it published and people might be able to identify it.

That'd be a lot easier now. I mean, also, we saw what happened. It happens at the end of Spider-Man. That's true. That's true. But that's not just from a photo. No, but... If it happened now with a smartphone and social media,

it'd be a lot easier because, like, with the face recognition, you'd be like, oh, there's, like, Facebook, there is this. And, like, as opposed to Tobey Maguire, this one looks like an actual boy. Yeah, yeah, that's true. And if you put it... If you, like, tweeted it out and you were like, retweet this, this is what Spider-Man really looks like,

surely that would go viral. Although it's very funny to imagine it getting, like, 13 likes. No, it's Spider-Man really looks like. Surely that would go viral. Although it's very funny to imagine you're getting like 13 likes. No, it's Spider-Man! 13 likes and someone commenting, being like, you're a fucking dog for tweeting this. Obviously not. And then the other comments, like a spam bot being like,

I'm a hot single or whatever. Come fuck me in my area. And I'm like, oh yeah. Click on that, get a million followers. They're in my area. Guys, you seeing this? And my phone's just bricked. And hot, running hot.

You've been ratioed by the... You're a fucking dog for doing this. It's like 34 likes. That's upsetting. Yeah, but with social media, it would be easier. It'd be easier, and then you could be verifying because there was that spider monkey he was seeing in and this is what peter parker was he's taking photos and he's in you know in europe and right yeah i think it'd be a lot easier to like you

know his identity but then but that's you get more money for that or less money for that well you wouldn't get any money for it you just go viral and that would be that and then you'd be like whoa and then you go back to tweeting and getting you know 14 likes or whatever 14 likes people being like aren't you that dog? Yeah. Aren't you that dog who revealed Spider-Man's secret identity? Actually, we New York love him, and you're a cunt. Oh, banned from Twitter.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. My rock idea, that was clever. I knew I shouldn't have done this. Really, even with today's technology and being like oh i can identify this boy and i know his name what are we doing with information is there is there anything to do with that you just know him you then get cancelled yeah you never work in the town again everyone's gonna hate you because as again as a 30 year old man you are putting a 14 year old in danger you become the villain of the internet absolutely Absolutely. They're like, what have you done? Elon Musk tweets out few.

Yeah, yeah. Because he's safe now. Everyone hates him a bit less. Yeah. You get banned on social media. They delete the Spider-Man tweet. Spider-Man's allowed to. It's the 2021 equivalent of in The Amazing Spider-Man

where they line up the cranes for him, you know? New York comes together to get his face off the internet. Yeah, and the world comes together because they're like, yeah, fuck that guy. Dobbin' on like a sweet little boy, you get egged in the street. Yeah, booed. Booed like a sad clown.

Well, it's good to know that we would all reveal his secret identity, but bad to know it would achieve nothing. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. We've been Spider-Man truthers to our own detriment. Yeah. Truthers out there, Spider-Man.

We know who you are. Doesn't seem to matter much. Doesn't matter. You're just a guy. Yeah. No bigger than that big boy. No bigger than that huge baby. It's a huge baby.

We have a lot of fun here at SansPantsRadio, but to relax, I like to yell at or just generally bully my good friend slash enemy, Jackson. And I've found the best way to do that is to give him a little responsibility and watch him fail miserably. That's why I love recording our show, Jackson Bailey Spooks America.

Jackson, an avid amateur cryptozoologist and UFO enthusiast, loves to chat about supposed sightings and strange phenomena. And I love to mock him for not properly researching things or only looking into them 10 minutes before we start recording. It's good fun and the best way for me to unwind after a long day doing actual work.

So if that sounds right for you, head on over to sanspantsradio.com and sign up for any level of our SANSPANS Plus subscription today.