Plumbing the Death Star - Would You Trust a Little Boy With the Powers of Shazam?

Episode Date: January 29, 2023

If you can’t trust a little boy with the powers of Shazam, who can you trust?! In reality the powers of Seus, Heus, Aeus, Zeus, Aues (again) and Meus was given to the sad, lonely and despicable Billy Batson by a misguided and potentially evil Wizard but fear not! Because we’re here to finally right this wrong. We go over several pathways like giving Shazam a carer to giving the most pure of heart (a dog) godlike powers to varying degrees of success to finally turning inwards and giving ourselves the powers of the gods to fix all our aches and pains. We don’t fight the devil but we also no longer groan when we get out of a chair so we’d call that a big win in our books.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you're listening to the sands fans network hey everyone and welcome to another episode of plumbing the death star i'm joe i'm jackson and i'm also joe and this is the fucking podcast that's the important questions what do you mean by that It's just a general exclamation. No, it's not. It's just a general exclamation. People say it all the time. People, you know, people.

People say it all the time, dude, if they need to express their confusion. Name one person. Who says it? Well, I'm saying it. I've never heard you fucking say that before. Who else says it? My friends. Your friends? Not people you know.

That's true, because we don't know any of your friends. There's definitely none here. Off to a good start for you, Jack. Can't remember if we said our names yet or not. We did. What's the topic? I remembered we hadn't done that part, I'm just going to remember the other part. And that's your fault.

Huey Lewis and the news. People say it all the time. No, they don't. Today, look, this is the podcast where we ask the important questions like, would you trust a little boy with the powers of Shazam? So Shazam, orphan boy, goes on an evil subway, meets an evil wizard. Goes on the train that makes you fucked up. Yeah, and the wizard says, kid, this is true, I looked this up, because you're so loathsome, and your life is so sad,

you're the perfect boy to have Shazam powers. And the Shazam powers are if little Billy Batson. But I think in this situation. Can we just back up a second? You're so lonesome. Yeah. Lonesome? Well, he says you're so lonely and sad, basically. And you're saying loath.

Yeah. Wait, so he's not loathsome, so he's sad and lonely. Well, loathsome is sort of like a general. An orphan. When you say he's sad and lonely, very different to be like, you're loathsome enough to get the powers of Shazam. Okay, he's sad and lonely and he's despicable. Once again.

Because a wizard being like, you're sad and lonely, your life is, you are living a kind of, you seem unhappy, and I'm going to give you the powers of Shazam to make you, I guess, fill that void with something, as opposed to,

people hate you, and you are a disgusting human being. Well, it's weird because it's- Open your mouth, let me spit in it. And also I'm giving you the powers of Shazam. Well, he gives him the powers of Shazam to fight evil. He just later on is like, I picked you because you're so sad. That's very different to being loathsome.

He's not loathsome. Well, we don't know. The kid could suck shit. We don't know. Because the kid we're talking about, I think, for the purposes of this episode, can't be Billy Batson. Why? Because Billy Batson is a superhero. We've seen evidence that it's good. Oh, you can trust

him. No, but you can't really at first. But we should, let's continue establishing what Shazamming is. So when Billy Batson, or any child, says Shazam, they become an adult, a sort of super-powered muscular adult. They basically become a superman. Yeah, exactly.

Shazam is an acrostic for all of the different gods that he has the powers of you got shoes so which zeus's does he get? He gets, well, S is for? Shazam. That's recursive. There's nothing we can do about that. H is for Hercules, I think. He's a demigod, but still.

Zeus. Z is for Zeus. Oh, yeah, we're good at that one. A is for Athena. And M is for Mercury. I just don't know what the sha is for. Okay, you'd think it'd be easy to quickly Google. For Athena. And that was for Mercury. I just don't know what the sha is for. Okay. You'd think it'd be easy to quickly Google. If you go on the Wikipedia page for Shazam, it's there.

Okay. Solomon. For wisdom. Okay. So he gets the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas. Atlas. The power of Zeus. Fake.

The courage of Achilles. Achilles was one of them. And the speed of Mercury There you go Mercury is one of them too And by extension The power to fly Yeah So he can That's good as well

To establish he can fly He's got incredible super strength He basically can't be killed By mundane means Yeah And they say the wisdom Of Solomon But I've never seen him

Do anything that Seems like he's using That power necessarily Yeah If anything Shazam seems like a buffoon most times. Yeah, and he King Solomon, he had a mine. You know, King Solomon's mine.

Yeah, King Solomon's mine, dude. That's where all of the gold is. So he was a miner. He's wise. He's got gold. No, he was like an ancient king of some variety. Possibly biblical. Jebediah, like the band. I'm leaving. Jebediah, sorry. Jebediah from the the band. I'm leaving. Jebediah.

Sorry. Jebediah from the Bible. From the Bible. Yeah. I'm sorry. Mark of Israel. Israel's son and successor of David. Okay.

Yeah. He was like a famous king who had Bible powers. Don't worry about it. Anyway. He was the penultimate ruler. There you go. What? So he was the second last.

An alchemated Israel and Judah. Okay. Very wise. That is wise. Do you reckon they came up with the name Shazam and then decided it was going to be an acrostic? Oh, yeah. Afterwards? Big time.

And then when they're starting with Solomon, they're like, who? Is there any gods with a pair that start with S? Yeah. Any S's? They would have been tempted to use Superman for sure. Oh, absolutely. I think Superman would have been the start, and then they had to be like,

no, they should probably all be gods, yeah. I'm sure there are gods. Anyway. So that's Shazam. You're saying, Dushi, you wouldn't even trust Shazam, who saved the world multiple times. Well, not when he first gets his powers. That's true.

He goofs around a lot. Well, yeah, because if Shazam has Shazam powers and Shazam doesn't have a villain to fight immediately yeah shazam's fucking that up because he's a little kid and he's like now i can buy booze and stuff which he does do punch holes in the floor or whatever yeah try to impress his uh friend by doing feats of strength and yeah flying and it's kind of like if the plot of Big happened. Yeah. But he also became Superman. Hey, well done for pitching

the movie Shazam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Good job. Thanks, man. It is just like that. It is just like that. Wow. All you're missing out is a weird relationship with Kim Cattrack. Yeah. That doesn't happen to Billy Batson. You're saying while he is even as Billy Batson, he is troublesome.

Initially, I guess. He almost kills the whole boss. Yeah, yeah, that is true. Well, in the movie, at least. Yeah, yeah. But in the comics. Oh, I'm sure in the comics he's made multiple mistakes. He's probably tried to kill lots of bosses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in the comics, famously in Kingdom Come, one of them goes bad. Yeah, that's true. I can't remember which one. Probably Hoos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you mean one of the Shazams? No.

Or like Shazam goes bad. One of the letters of Shazam goes bad. One of the halves of Shazam goes bad. One of the halves? Shazam or Billy Batson go bad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what you mean. I can't remember which one.

And by bad, I mean side with the devil or whatever. Doesn't he work in with Lex? Yeah, yes, he is, yeah. And it's like because he's a little boy and Lex can easily manipulate or whatever. In Kingdom Come, they're both adults. They can't tell the difference. They look exactly the same. Fair enough. That's funny.

Why did he grow up to look like Shazam? Well, in the comic books, Billy Batson's Shazam looks like his dad. So he grew up to be a spitting image of his dad? Yeah, because he looks up to his dad who's dead. His dad's buff? Yeah. That's awesome.

That's fucked up to be the exact spitting image of your father. Exactly. But I guess it's like what you imagine your father. Look, he's got a magic. Well, I guess he grew up

with the magic of Shazam that influenced his growing up magic. No rules. So the twist is that like, oh wait, it's never been Shazam, it's always Billy?

Yeah, it was something like that. Yeah, yeah. Look, I have read Kingdom Come. I have looked at the front cover. I read it a while ago. I should read that. I think they make a supervillain jail that's maybe like a ranch. I know Clark, or I think he's being called Kal-El, he's got some sweet overalls and he's

looking a lot of fun. That's true. Is that? No, I'm thinking for Want of a Nail where he's Amish. Comics are awesome. Is that the one where him and Diana hook up at the end or with Batman and Diana hook up at the end?

All I remember is that it's this big climax and they're in a wheat field and they can't defeat the bad guy and then this huge hulking Amish guy in overalls and no shirt is like, gee, let me stop the problem. And it's like, whoa in this reality, Superman

is Amish. And he didn't even know. Or he just stayed Amish? Like he didn't do anything with his powers? I don't know. Okay, that wasn't team outcome. No, that was for one of a nail. Yeah. Yeah, Billy Batson is under control of Luthor.

But also Lex Luthor. Look, there you go. But also Lex Luthor started the Mankind Liberation Front, the MLF. Yeah. Good one, comic. MILF. Whoa, this predates MILF, though. No, but in Marvel, there's a Mutant Liberation Front. Also, more MILFs.

That's good. Whoa. Okay, so that's Billy Batson. Yeah. Whatever. What about just a regular kid? Would you trust a child with the powers of Shazam? Yeah.

So you got, say, say you got the powers. Depends on the kid. Say you don't know. So say you're the wizard, right? Yeah. And they're like, we're picking a kid at random. You got to give some kid the power of Shazam so that they can go fight

the ancient evils or whatever. I was like, why don't we pick not a child? Why don't we pick someone? I was like, initially I'm like a pious person. Priest? Oh no.

Don't make a priest. You just make a priest go from regular to buff. It's got to be a child because they're pure of heart or some shit. What? Childs can be little assholes. Yeah, well, I don't know. Kids aren't pure of heart at all shit. Charles can be the last horse.

Yeah, well, I don't know. Kids aren't pure of heart at all. Don't blame me for buying the Westerns. All kids are pieces of shit. Don't have any manners. Not polite. Brains aren't developed yet. They can't think for shit.

I would be worried to give a kid super speed. I think they just go. There's a reason we don't give kids guns. There's a reason we don't give kids guns. There's a reason we don't give kids licenses. Yeah, that's true. It's like giving a kid a key to a car and being like, go on, we'll feed you. Go fight the devil, kid. Hey, kid, you're pure of heart.

Have a gun. You'll know what to do. All you got to say is bang, bang, bang. Pull this trigger and you'll become super powerful. Do you think that maybe you could negate it if you were like, alright kid, I'm giving you the power of Shazam, but you're getting like a Kara and they will say Shazam?

No, because that's also way too much control to the Kara. Yeah, that's true. No Kara's a pure of heart. Yeah, that's the problem there. It's all fucked. What's pure of heart? A dog? Also, this dog starts barking Shazam. Row, row, heart, a dog? This dog starts barking.

Shazam. Roar, roar, roar. Shazam. Becomes a man dog. Fight crime. I'm going to use my thumbs to get meat. Oh, wow. Yeah, this is going to be a real problem.

Oh, he's killing cats. He's just choking them out. Oh, look, he's chasing birds. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's his fly, and he can fly now. Oh, the dog can fly. Oh, God, he's chasing that car., fuck. Oh, he's flying. He can fly now. Oh, the dog can fly. Oh, God, he's chasing that car. He's quick.

He caught up to the car. Now he's pulling people out of the car. He ran through the car. Oh, my God. He's carjacking those people, it looks like. He's getting into the car. He's driving. Where's he going?

Where's he going? He can fly. Oh, shit, man. He can fly. He can fly. What is he doing? What? I'm going to have to fucking. Where'd my dog go? He can fly. Dog, you can fly. He can fly. What is he doing? What?

I'm going to have to let my dog go. Why did he go, Jack? That family. I don't understand. Is that what all dogs that are chasing cars want to do? The family are out of the car, but there's still a kid in the backseat. The dog doesn't know. Does he?

I don't know. The parents are coming up to yell at me. I don't know. How am I going to explain this? Ma'am, ma'am, I thought the dog was pure of heart. Hang on, I'll come over there. I don't know why he hijacked you. I don't know why he stole your boy.

My going theory is that that's what all dogs are trying to do when they chase a car. I would never have thought it would be the case, but I don't know, lady. This is what happens. Maybe he's looking for his new best friend. I got him when I was a boy. Maybe he thinks your boy is an old me. I never even taught him to drive. The fact that he can, I mean, because Solomon Maybe that's the wisdom of Solomon.

Solomon drive. Do they have cars back then? Is it like that in human everything? You just need to be wise enough, you to figure it out? Yeah, if you're wise, you can drive a car. Fuck, I don't know. I don't even know. I mean, try and take me to court. What's the judge going to say?

If you persecute me, you know who's going to break me out? My faithful hound. Maybe my dog. Maybe. I don't know. I'm going to pay attention to the airports. He might try and flee the country. Try and get him on the fly list.

My human dog. I got away with the fucking blades. He flew overhead. He was always barking his head off. I don't know where he's going to go. Maybe he thinks they did something wrong. I don't know. Here I am thinking my dog's just a fucking dog,

but clearly, lady, he's got some... He's got a vendetta. He's got a vendetta. He has some kind of plan. He must. Yeah. I'm sorry about your kid. I'm sorry.

But like fucking... And all these cats that he strangled on the way. Yeah. I thought he was pure of heart, but maybe that's just not true of dogs. Maybe it's like not even a thing. Or maybe my dog is awful. It's really hard to say. Maybe it's like, yeah, like dogs are just animals.

Or I got a bad one. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know if I got it. Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm a bad one. Maybe I trained it wrong.

I would have never encouraged this. Just trained all the dead cats. Whenever I was driving, I never would be like, this is how, I never taught him. I was like, this is how you do it. But thinking about it, he could have been paying attention. I wouldn't have thought that was suspicious. Thinking about it, I thought, no, no, there was a time. I thought it was funny.

I showed him how to drive a car. Yeah, this might be on me. He sat on my lap and I was like, look, this is the, yeah, okay. Thinking back on it. I might be to blame, ma'am. Yeah, I'm sorry. My dog was a human man Shazam for five minutes and he strangled three cats, chased a bird, and then carjacked you and I'm sorry.

I don't know where he's going. I don't know where he's going or what our next move is. Do you have GPS on your car, ma'am? Is it low jacked? Yeah, because this is unprecedented. Yeah, your car and your boy. Okay, so maybe giving a dog a power of his hand is not the solution. At least you can reason with a child.

I mean, not super well. But better than a dog. Hey, dog, don't do that. Dog, get out of the car. And the dog will just give you that blank dog expression. Yeah, tilt the tab. Accelerates. And it just drives off.

Well. Get back here. Don't you. Do not. You do not. Put your foot on the pedal. Don't you do not put your foot on the pedal. Don't. I can see the car moving.

He's gone. He's gone 80. He doesn't know the speed limit. He can't read. What's a cop going to do? If the cop pulls him over, he's going to look at he's a dog. Did it fix his colorblindness at least?

Does he know to stop at red? He doesn't know fix did it fix his colorblindness at least does he know does he know to stop at red he doesn't know to stop for a red light my dog's gonna crash my fucking car he doesn't know he doesn't know

not even your car not even my car sorry man oh fuck is your car insured I would do that I would call up your insurance company

and see if they cover this see if they see if you've been carjacked by a dog man if your insurance company cover that great if not I'm really sorry

this is technically an act of God's. You might be able to argue that. Wait, no, that's bad. Insurance often doesn't cover an act of God. That's true.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Okay, so not a dog. Not a dog. I wouldn't trust a dog with the powers of Shazam. What age are you?

So is it a 10-year-old boy we're given? I think Billy Batson's 10. Well, tell me, 9? Is that better? Well, I'm just trying to think. Younger you go, the younger you go, the worse. Because there is that age, I think, where they're toddler age,

where it's like children are at their most sociopathic, but they're at their most weakest, so they can't do anything about it. Yeah, that's true. They don't quite develop empathy and consequences yet. But also, I'd be really nervous about giving it to a teenager. Oh, that's true. They don't quite develop empathy and consequences yet. But also, I'd be really nervous about giving it to a teenager because I don't want to mix that

with hormones or whatever. They're going to be peeping Toms. Many peeping Toms. The possibility, the risk of perversion is too high. I kind of think 10's the best age to get Shazam'd.

Yeah, maybe not. You look skeptical. What age would you pick? Not a teenage boy. Teenage girl, maybe? Maybe? Less perverted I feel. I don't know about that. But that's only because I know what it was like being a perfect child.

Twelve, if they haven't kicked into puberty yet, will be alright. But then they've got a year and then puberty's gonna kick in and they've already had the power of Shazam. Whereas if they've got the power of Shazam. They've got to be 24. 24?

They've got to be 24. Why not 20? Why 24? Have you met a 20-year-old? Come on. Full offense to everyone under the age of 30 listening. You fucking idiot. Stupid.

Dumbest cunts in the land. Oh, my God. Yeah, don't get smart until you're at least 26, really, do you? People are like, oh, I'm 21, I'm an adult now. No, you're not. You're a fucking child with a license. You're a fucking loathsome moron. Yeah.

With shit for brains. Yeah. And it's not even a good shit. Yeah, your brain fully develops when you're mid to late 20s. So that, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you started drinking, so you're putting holes in it. Oh, shit.

I feel like getting the power of Shazam, well, if you got the power of Shazam now, you know, mid-30s or whatever. I would just be happy that my body no longer aches. Oh, my God. To have, like, posture that's good. Probably not be tired all the time. That would be awesome. My bones wouldn't be sore.

Yeah, no sore bones. My back is fine I wouldn't have to wear glasses That would be nice I wouldn't fight crime No I would just live my regular life But I would not be in pain

Yeah I'd get up like this Yeah No groaning Oh dude No little grunt when you move This would be the sound of me Getting up out of a chair

Yeah I'd hover at the urinal. Piss from the air. Yeah. I'd hover above the toilet. You reckon you'd sleep better? Because you'd be more comfortable because your body doesn't ache? I think so.

Absolutely. You wouldn't get blocked nostrils or congestion or anything. No sinuses. Yeah, it'd be pretty cool. The wizard would be pissed. You can't be Shazam all the time just to relax. Take it off me then.

Watch me. I don't know what we're going to do. What do we mean? Fight me? I'm a fighting devil? Yeah. I'm not fighting crime. I'm relaxing, okay?

Call the fucking cops. Leave me alone. Yeah, whatever. I'm going to go for a run and not feel tired for like a day afterwards. In fact, alone yeah whatever I'm gonna go for a run and not feel tired for like a day in fact I'm not even gonna go for a run

because as you can see I'm already shredded yeah I'm fine I'm in the best shape of my life you know what I'm gonna do I'm in a burger

yeah oh my god you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna eat a lot of cheese and not worry about the consequences maybe this is proof that we've fucked it

and if you're 30 plus you shouldn't become Shazam because you weren't using it normally either. Yeah, true. Yeah, there's a tipping point where you're like, I'm selfishly going to abuse this Shazam power. Yeah, I'm just grateful for this body. Yeah, I guess is there a point where it's like,

you're not too perverted slash horny, and you have a sense of justice. Like, where you still think maybe that there is maybe believe in karma or that there is justice in the world and that the cops are useful you know many myths about being alive when are you the most idealistic

like oh yeah I put my trust in the justice system like when do you have that for the horniness and being a pervert to wear off, but to still have lost for life. Yeah. Probably looking at, like, 23, 24.

Yeah. Maybe, but then you might be jaded. It depends on the person. Absolutely. Could be a good sheltered life. Someone that's sheltered or a absolute root rat of a team. Oh, a root rat. That's true.

A root rat. You get all the root rat. That's true. A root rat. You get all the root ratting out early. Yeah. And then you shazam. So, look, I don't want to, like, toot my own horn here, but me, 16, I think I'm good. 16 is too young. 16, you reckon you'd be a good shazam? Yeah.

I got my root ratting done young. I was too young. So I'm pretty good. No, no, no. All right. Fair enough. You tick the root rat box, but you at 16 doesn't clear a lot of other things. Still pretty horny here.

Pretty horny. Not very clever. That was a shit. You need to finish high school, I reckon. What? 17. Because you get the power. You get the wisdom of Solomon, right?

Look, 17. Oh, you do get the wisdom of Solomon. But you don't get common sense. No, yeah. Plus, the wisdom of Solomon is like the wisdom of Bible puns. When did you start playing World of Warcraft? That would have been, yeah, just after 18. This is a tricky one.

Joel Zammett got worse once he finished being 18. I turned 18 basically at the end of the year, which in Australia, that's when our schooling finishes. November, December is when we finish our exams. The end of schooling was around November. And so I was basically turned 18 after my, I think my last exam. Okay. So like I was quite young. So I think at that moment in time.

Before World of Warcraft got its hooks in you. Before that. Because then you could just sit there for like hours and days and days and days. Just in Shazam form. Running raids. Running raids and farming. If anyone gets lippy, you somehow use your Shazam powers to raids Running raids And farming If anyone gets lippy You somehow use your Shazam powers To go beat them up

Yeah So maybe the day before You got into World of Warcraft I think me 17 I reckon I would be alright You would have been a good Shazam Idealistic still Believed in the

I think so I think I had high hopes for the world Okay yeah nice Alright that's good That's good I think at 17 I don't... Yeah, yeah, 17, hadn't gotten assaulted,

hadn't dealt with cops doing fuck all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was like, you know, again, a sheltered little white boy in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much living a sheltered life. So, yeah, being like, yeah, those guys, that's the camera. Like, you got them on a CCTV.

Yeah, them. Yeah, you'll take care of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I trust's the camera. Like, you got them on a CCTV. Yeah, them. Yeah, you'll take care of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I trust the cops. You might make a bottle by that cunt. Yeah, that's the guy. So you spoke to them. He said he wasn't there.

And that's it. He's on the camera. That's all you're doing. Yeah. No further questions? No, we got homeless people to go beat up. Sorry. All right.

All right. Do you think really that's it? Yeah. Okay. Nah, we got homeless people to go beat up Sorry Alright, alright Do you think Really, that's it? Yeah Okay But would you not Is the struggle of Shazamming Not that you will then become jaded? Why?

Well, because you still are aging as you Well, but then I have the power to stop things So you'd be like I'm gonna stop Kind of like Peter Parker as Spider-Man Yeah, yeah Where he flips them up And then he's like

And it'll be sorted out And he goes on his merry way. So with Shazam, it's like, I sorted it out, and you can remain blissful ignorant for a bit, to be like, and it'll be all sorted. And you don't deal with the consequences. Joel Zammett tries to get, oh, the muggers attempt to mug Joel Zammett, and he punches them so hard on top of their head that their legs go into the ground. Yeah! Like he plants them. That's them officers, the ones buried waist-deep into the ground. Yeah. Like he plants them. That's them officers, the ones buried waist deep in the pavement.

That's the guys. They're the ones that they be dead. Well, you committed a crime then too. Up and away. Self-defense, up, up and away. I don't think there was ever a good time for me to be Shazam. I don't think there's ever been an age

where it would be appropriate for me. Maybe just before I die so I can keep living. No, no, no, no, no. We pulled the plug for a reason. We pulled the plug. Shazam! That's scary. If I ever say Shazam, I die.

You are a corpse. All they've got to do is, if the wizard takes her powers off you, there's murder on his hands. I'll just live a regular life. I won't be a bother to anyone, but I'm going to live forever. I'm going to outlive my grandkids. Yeah, the dream. Yeah, that's good.

No inheritance for you, Jim. Sorry, granddaddy's immortal I should be in your will This house remains my house Oh yeah Have you heard of trickle-up economics? That's what I'm dealing with, baby I just keep getting richer and richer Break up a little for granddaddy, hey?

Yeah, granddaddy tax hey? Yeah, granddaddy tax. I hate our immortal granddad. I'm 117 years old. I look 30. Trick him into saying Shazam, he'll fucking die. Granddad, what's the thing you're not meant to say? Oh, Shazam. That was fucking easy.

Day two. I think 10 years old might be the perfect... I think 10 is good! Because at 10, when they do grow up, they'll be being Shazammed for a bit. Yeah. So hopefully that, like, instant, like, well, hopefully that, yeah, puberty that's hidden and all that kind of stuff isn't going to be really there because they're Shazamming so hard. Oh, you think you're saying you say shazam so hard

and interrupt their puberty? No, they're just too busy shazamming. They've got no time to masturbate. Well, I mean, that's bad because they need to remain horny. Well, they can masturbate. They should be allowed to masturbate. But, like, a 10-year-old. So currently as it stands, I think that I could,

and this is not going to be a surprise to listeners, I could get into a violent altercation where I believe, well, where I know I'm doing the right thing, and it's for the greater good. And that wouldn't fuck me up too bad. Okay. If I'm a 10-year-old. Once again, I think we can all be a part of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. Yeah, I agree. But as a 10-year-old. As a 10-year-old, like, that, a fight, just a general fight would probably fuck you up, let alone. One where you can, like, say, punch a hole through somebody. Yeah, I guess the risk is that if I accidentally killed a man now with my strength. Yeah.

Funny. We're laughing at the funeral, baby. I'm like, I'm not even that strong. Your Honor, it shouldn't be manslaughter because the man was too weak. Give me a weight to lift. I bet I can't. Mr. Bailey, you still killed him. Yeah, but I'm weak as hell.

I don't know how. I can do like 10 push-ups max and I need to sleep. Come on. It's kind of like when someone dies drink driving. It's just on them. No, you did it. I don't know what you're talking about. Here, fight me now. Come down and know what you're talking about. You'll find me now.

Come down and wrestle me now and see if it's legitimate. Oh, my God, I killed the judge. Up, up, and away. Oh, no, up, up, and away. Oh, I have no powers. I'm just a guy. Up, up, and walk out of the courtroom. Yes, you're right.

If a 10-year-old, like, say it's Billy Bastion, right? Yeah. And because he's like, oh, you're sad. If a 10-year-old, like say it's Billy Bastion, right? Yeah. Because he's like, oh, you're sad and lonely or whatever. But if you're not like Billy. A despicable child. A loathsome boy. If it's a 10-year-old, say, that has been bullied. Yeah.

Or a 10-year-old that gets picked on or whatever that might be. If the 10-year-old's got a chip on their shoulder, we're fucked. Whatever that might be. If they're the moment they're like, oh, nice hat, shit hat. Yeah. Suddenly the person that said that has no mouth because it got punched clean off. Nice hole in your head.

Hole in your head. As they cry. Oh my God. As they bleed onto the pavement. You're still alive. Oh no. Dude, you should not be living with a heart. And then the kid that got Shazam, he's probably also in a bit of shock because his first punch.

Yeah, absolutely. He punched the guy's mouth right to the back of the head. There's no training. Yeah, Shazam's as strong as Superman. No training. But yeah, Superman had Mara Park Kent who were like, hey, pull your punches. And also he aged with it. Yeah, exactly. So if you watch the beautiful show that is Smallville.

Oh, yeah, what a show. He ages with, like, he gets powers every now and again, and they're on the fritz, and this happens, and rah, rah. But he learns how to kind of adapt with it. He gets x-ray vision and horny, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He gets x-ray vision, he sees bones, and then he gets horny for the first time,

which is, you know what, that's bad. So wait, so are we saying then that perhaps it would be better if Shazam was Shazam from the beginning? What do you mean? So the moment they're born, they're Shazam. Or the kid. Well, that's what Superman gets. Superman's got the powers from the beginning. And maybe he gets, like, incrementally.

Yeah. So first he's a shh. And he's a shh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a shh. He says shh as a baby, and he gets the wisdom of Solomon. Oh, no! He says, mother and father, I will only grow in power.

What? Yeah, he's a little baby, takes the nipple out of its mouth, looks the mother dead in the eye. Mother, I will only become more powerful. Or does he go like, ss, and then he gets a human, like an adult head. It's the adult brain. This is only going to get worse. Next I will receive, what's the H?

Hercules. But he's got the wisdom of Solomon to be able to deal with his strong body. He knows not to crush anyone with his very powerful Herculean hands. What if... Because I guess you'd almost have to just like... He gets tired until he says Sha, because then he gets the stamina. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

That's true. It's when he says Shaz that he gets like lightning bolts. That's a problem. That's an issue. Yeah, that's an issue. Yeah, yeah. He's just stayed at... That would be fine. You just have a smart baby. That'd a problem. That's an issue. Yeah, that's an issue. Yeah, yeah. You should just stay at it. That would be fine.

You just have a smart baby. That'd be awesome. Smart baby. Is that awesome? There's some ominous stuff. Is having a genius baby something we need? Is being a baby genius good? Yeah.

That's another question for another time. After we sit down and watch Baby Geniuses. Yeah, one and two. I saw that movie in the cinema and watch Baby Geniuses. Yeah, one and two. I saw that movie in the cinema and I fucking loved it. Yeah, me too. I haven't seen Baby Geniuses 2, though. No, that's got superheroes in it, apparently. Yeah.

The main baby from Baby Geniuses comes back with superpowers. That makes sense. He wasn't Baby Genius after all. Well, I guess he did say... Yeah, yeah, exactly. He got to the shh. Yeah, he got to the shh. Baby geniuses are fucked up because all kids are born very clever as baby geniuses, but then when they can start talking, they

forget. They lose their baby genius. If Shazam grows up with the wisdom of Solomon, is it awesome to know you're a baby? Another little Hang on. Does Billy Bastian, when he says Shaz say, so when, does Billy Bastion,

when he says Shazam, he gets the powers of Shazam? Yes. So when he says on Shazam and he becomes Billy Bastion, well, he's not strong or fast or whatever. Is he still wise? No. No, no, no. Fuck.

Yeah. That's what I was thinking about when we were saying he's a teenager. You're like, dude, it's awesome. I've got Shazam powers. I'm going to use this to fucking steal a dildo or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you're like, Shazam! And you're like, I shouldn't steal a dildo. I shouldn't steal a dildo.

I'll go home. Shazam! Where's my dildo? What am I, dumb as fuck? What the fuck? Shazam! Shazam! I need that dildo.

If I steal a dildo, I'm using my powers in an ethical way. It just feels not good, okay? So I'm not stealing the load. Shazam. Fine then. All right, let's go poo on the neighbor's daughter. Shazam. No.

Okay, that's actually fucked up. It's absolutely like a, you know. Me, me. There's a little thing called consent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's have this conversation now. You can't do that. Shazam.

So yeah, there's trouble doing it as a teenager. You know what I mean? You don't want sudden clarity. No. Or maybe you do. So yeah, I guess maybe because you are shazaming, you do get all the powers, but because that wisdom is that,

it's basically like the three laws of robotics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a sort of fail-safe, the wisdom of Solomon. It keeps you on the straight and narrow. Yeah. If that's the case, then we could give it to any kid at any age, really. Even a little psychopath, he's like, here you go. And he's like, yeah, this is going to help me kill a dog faster.

Shazam! Oh, no. But then that introduces some kind of worrying questions about Billy Batson and how much of Shazam is Billy Batson and how much is just some guy named Shazam. Well, I guess that's what the Kingdom Come comics does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shazam and Billy Batson

work separate of each other. Yeah. But in Da Movies, which is where we usually focus. Yeah, yeah. Because we've seen Da Movies. Definitely have seen that film. And we can't remember Da Comics. Yeah, yeah. Because we've seen Da Movies. Definitely have seen that film. And we can't remember Da Comics. Yeah, yeah. Who? In Da Movies,

it's clearly the same guy. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they have the same brain. Yeah, that's true. Because Shazam is a buffoon. If anything, Shazam is more buffoonish than Billy Batson.

Billy Batson's a bit of an emo kid. Yeah. If you pay attention, does he actually say Shazam or does he say Hazam? Definitely says, unfortunately, Shazam. Hazam! He just gets a man. I'm just curious because it's Billy Batson.

Hazam! Hazam! And then he, yeah, so he's got all the powers, but he's dumb as shit. Well, maybe it's actually just that's just not one. Yeah. They say it is because Hazam. That's stupid. They say it is because of Shazam. That's stupid. They're like, well, Shazam.

The S is silent because you don't get the wisdom of Solomon at all. He doesn't seem to get the wisdom there because he is doing some stuff which you'd be like, surely the wisdom of Solomon. Like flossing. Yeah. Solomon, the biblical king, would never have flossed. Apparently it's not in the movie and we'll find out in a couple of weeks, but apparently we're in the trailer for the second one

where he throws the dinosaur at a boss or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what he... He throws a dinosaur at a boss, okay. Yeah, yeah. Or he throws a boss at a dragon, and then he's like, I just threw a boss at a dragon. My life is awesome.

That's not in the movie. And the director was like, I'm sorry, that was in the trailer. That's not in the movie. And the director was like, I'm sorry, that was in the trailer. In the first one, he throws a Batman toy at a robber. Yeah, that's not very wise. That's kind of silly. Yeah.

Then again, it's like, I guess, a soft toy thrown with the power of Hercules should at least hurt somewhat, right? But it doesn't. What about if, in fact, Billy Batson is receiving not powers from gods at all? Billy Batson just gets a set of powers that's like, you're strong, you're fast, and you can fly and shoot lightning. And kind of retroactively, the wizard was like, well, yeah, I guess this is our explanation for them.

Because we never see Hercules or Zeus be like, yeah, that's a bit of my power. And you don't really... Like with Black Adam, he's not like... They're that's a bit of my power. And you don't really, like with Black Adam, he's not like... They're not like the power of some god with A, their first initial or whatever. Well, because he's not... Wait, is he also...

Does he also get Shazam power? He's the Shazam. He's the Shazam. No, but as in like the actual Shazam Shazam, as in like... What do you mean the actual Shazam Shazam? Because like, well, Shazam has a power set of like these particular gods.

Is Black Adam also those particular gods? I think in the comics he is, but it doesn't seem like he is in the movies. In the movies, what does he say? He does say Shazam, actually, I think. Yeah. He says Shazam. Imagine if he said Black Adam! Black Adam!

So Dwayne says Shazam in the film? Yeah, he says Shazam. Wow. What a film. Yeah. Washedam in that film? Yeah, he says Shazam. Wow. What a film. Yeah. Washed over me, huh? Yeah, like all good movies do. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think he just gets a basic set of powers and it's got nothing to do with these gods at all. And the wisdom of Solomon just isn't one. They just say it is. Which means that a 10-year-old terrible. Oh, yeah. Real bad.

Real bad. If you are getting at least a kind of inbuilt fail safe, that's a great concept. Because then it stops them from doing all the fuck stuff that anyone, any teen will do. Yeah, but I think we can clearly see in the movie that that doesn't happen. He's an idiot.

So, okay. Would you trust a 10 year old with the power of Shazam? No. Who would you trust? Superman. Okay. Superman can take Shazam? No. No. Who would you trust? Superman. Okay. Superman can take Shazam and get the same. Well, now he can shoot lightning. Oh, that's true. He gets lightning powers.

And his clothes change from blue to red. And he gets a bit extra buff. Yeah, that's true. Or does he become like- A little less buff. Yeah. Or does he become like the image of his, say, his dad, i.e. Oh, no.

Park Kent. And then he gets a heart attack. That's how we kill Superman. Okay, we make him go Shazam mode and that's how he makes him his dad? Well, because Billy becomes his dad. He just looks like his dad.

Is that Park Hen flying? Park Hen's like, what's going on? What about those eternally optimistic fucking uni students that somehow still exist by the end of university? Okay. The world's a beautiful place. My degree's almost over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you thinking both of those things at the same time? I was going to say, what about like a drama kid? Oh, no. The pageantry. Yeah. I don't want that. No, terrible, terrible, terrible. I was a drama kid. Oh, no. The pageantry. I don't want that. No. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

I was a drama kid. We don't want any of that, dude. I think I liked this dog idea at the beginning. I think we're going to make somebody completely removed from human ethics. I think that's the way to go. So something in the same lines as a dog, basically. Like a fish or something.

Shazam horse is pretty good. Yeah, Shazam horse. But then they might be like, oh, the things you have done to my racist backs. That's true. And then we're going to get kicked. All of us are going to get kicked in the head. Yeah. What about an ape?

Oh, okay. Like a chimpanzee. Yeah. Okay. What about a baboon? Maximum violence is inflicted on the city immediately. I like an orangutan, but then I'm like, wait. Every ape is going to shit and tear faces off. And jerk off, and not

necessarily in that order. You can't go an ape. And also they'll be like, what have you done to us? What about this? What if every day a new person gets Shazam? So everyone gets like just one day of Shazam. How do you know? Or you wake up and Shazam. You wake up, you get a letter in the mail.

It's your day. Congratulations. Today you are Shazam. Yeah. And we share the power. Some people are going to do bad things with it. But some people are going to do good things. Because the next day they're not Shazam.

Yeah. And then yeah. They're going to face the consequences of their actions. Sure, there's probably going to be a lot of people dead. Like, to be honest. You can't crack a few eggs. Okay. The very extreme.

Oh, I'm Shazam. Time to go punch a hole in the heads of ten of my enemies. The thing is, if you go to the extreme, right? If you're like, you're a piece of shit. Yeah. And you get the Shazam powers. And you're like, well, if I do any sort of damage, I'm going to get consequences. But if I kill

everyone, if I throw Earth into the sun, no consequences for me. I'm watching crowds get massacred by a Shazam and I'm like, you gotta crack a few eggs. Don't worry. This will all come around tomorrow. This idea will be good tomorrow when someone good gets it.

When someone good will. And they do kind things like buy everyone in the city an ice cream. And they do kind things like kill the issues. Well, Jackson, but tomorrow that guy will just be a regular guy. A regular guy who needs to die. And then he'll save. Well, not these people. No one's around to save these people

because we gave the Shazam powers to a monster. But tomorrow... He's got the powers of Shazam, so he's got the strength or stamina of Atlas. Now he could body holding the world. Yeah.

Hour 23. What do you think he's going to do? I think he'll accept the will. Hour 23. What do you think he's going to do? I think he'll accept the consequences of his actions. He'll certainly think he'll definitely not destroy the world. I think tomorrow comically it'll balance out. Jackson, what could a man do to make up for the massacres

of thousands in one day? Thousands? Well, he'll figure it out. Keep going, Jackson. That's alright. He has to deal with going, Jack. We'll figure it out. That's all right. He has to deal with the guilty conscience. That's punishment in itself. When the next Shazam gets to squish his head like a grape, I'm sure he'll be like, I did bad.

Not just, oh, no, my head is getting squished like a grape. Also, do we know who this Shazam is? Because tomorrow he's going to be a regular guy. He's going to be a survivor. He's no longer going to be recognized. In fact, you've basically given anyone carte blanche to do anything because they're

unrecognizable unless they're like, I'll cook my dad. We don't know if that's a one-to-one that always happens. Basically the purge. Except one person gets the purge every day. That's a hellscape. It's so funny.

Imagine the next day the person gets it, and I'm like, hey, well done. Congrats on being Shazam. You will need to kill a man. I know normally everybody gets caught playing do what you like as Shazam, but there's something really needs to be taken care of. They're a regular guy, so don't even stress.

They kill heaps of people, so it's actually good that you killed them. In fact, I guess it's retroactive justice. You think about it like that, you're doing a good thing. And I know this is probably going to spoil your Shazam day. And they rise up and massacre another thousand.

Two in a row. Two in a row. You're saying a thousand. I just, that's... Well, however many. Two in a row. I like you saying a thousand. I just, that's... Yeah. Well, however many. Tens of thousands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Can you push a country into the ocean? Oh, you could try. You could give it a whack. Yeah, absolutely. You could definitely move a country, I reckon. Yeah, you could shift it. You could shift it.

And if you move the country, if you move certain countries in the wrong spot, they'll die anyway. What if you just move the moon a bit closer? Oh, yeah. That'll fuck everything up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that probably won't happen straight away. If you move certain countries in the wrong spot, they'll die anyway. What if you just move the moon a bit closer? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That'll fuck everything up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that probably won't happen straight away. And then we just think the next day that somebody moves it a bit further back.

Yeah. And they're just going to hope they get it in exactly the right place. So if you're using, say, a baby again. Yeah. So if we give it to a baby, are they a baby but with the powers of Shazam? Yes. So they have a mind of a baby. Yeah. So if we give it to a baby, do they, are they a baby, but with the powers of Shazam? Yes. So they have a mind of a baby. The smoothest brain we can think of.

Absolutely. So that, that's real bad because they don't have object permanence. They just go, I think they just fly away and we never find the baby again. Yeah. Mom, it's a sad day to be the owner of that baby.

Maybe you'll meet up with that dog. That dog that carjacked that poor woman. Could you? Okay, what about this? Why doesn't the wizard just make themselves Shazam? I think they're too old. Which I don't know if it makes sense, but I think that's what it is. What about this?

Could you a computer? Could you a computer? I could AI. Yeah. Yeah. But then the problem there is an AI is always programmed by man. And also the AI is famously into computer. Yeah.

Well, okay. What about this? What if we, as a government, okay, as a world government- Yeah. One world order. Okay. We're taking away your rights. No.

So what if we, as a government- Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We're taking away your rights. No. So what if we, as a government, we trained somebody to be the perfect Shazam. Oh, like what they did with US Agent? Yeah. What does that mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did that go? What does that mean? What does that include?

We instill- So let's say we're Australia. We instill the what? We train them them militarily? Is it a military organization? No, no, no. Are we teaching them in politicking? Are we teaching them in stagecraft?

Best case scenario. We try to make them the, yeah, I guess it's politics. We try to make them. So we're basically kind of, you're destined to be the king of Australia, and we're going to teach you in statecraft. You will be the defender of the country of Australia. We're going to teach you statecraft. We're going to teach you ethics.

Sounds like you might as well just go to America and make AOC, Shazam. Well, that doesn't benefit me. She'll say thank you, maybe. That would be nice, yeah. She might put you in office. Oh, don't do that.

Change the laws so that you don't need to be an American citizen. Yeah, but the problem there is it's like, well, no matter what you're doing, it's the whole thing

of like, well, now you're giving someone absolute power. So sure, a random person that we've trained in like, yes, statecraft,

in military training, in ethics, that kind of stuff. But the thing is, it's your, yes, statecraft, in military training, in ethics, that kind of stuff. But the thing is, it's your ethics, your statecraft. Absolutely. So it's all about... Well, not mine. Hopefully not mine, because they're all big weaknesses for you. It's the Australian government or the American government

or the UK government or whatever country that is doing it. It's their perspective, right? Yeah, yeah. And so we're basically kind of really brainwashing somebody. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. Absolutely. That was never in question. And then the moment that they have the Shazam powers, they can either like, okay, cool, I will then, you know, be

that. Yeah. Like, I will be, you know, Captain Australia or whatever. Or it's like, well, hang on a second. I am the most powerful individual right now. We trained this guy badly. Shut down the program. I press the button, nothing happens. How can you stop me?

Didn't we try to put anything in place so this didn't happen? No. While you were training me in ethics and all that kind of stuff. The brainwashing didn't fucking take. Yeah. Whose fault is this? Well, I forget the wisdom of Solomon. I don't think that's a power.

You're really ethical. No soul i don't think that's a power you're really no i don't think so yeah he's like no matter what you do it's just it's either going to be very bad for the rest of the world or any of say i guess the non-elites or the non people in charge in power because what you've then done is you've made, sure, you've like, oh, we've trained this person up to be the protector of Australia. And then it's like, yes, I'm the protector of Australia. I'm the leader of Australia. I am the forever king of Australia.

You've got to put stuff in place so he doesn't think this shit. Well, there is stuff in place to stop that in government, but the problem is if you're powerful enough. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what the brainwashing is for. That's exactly the reason we brainwashed this

guy. Yeah, but then if you realize you've been brainwashed... Well, that's the point of brainwashing. But that'll happen when you turn into Shazam. If he gets the wisdom of Solomon, yes. But if that's not part of the set, it's not going to happen. Look, I think that nobody should have the powers of Shazam.

I think we should probably try and get this wizard. Yeah. Kill the wizard with a brick. Yeah, okay. Prevent all of it and stop giving your powers to idiots. Little boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the best thing is if you get Shazam, the first thing you do, you kill that wizard.

Okay. You then say Shazam. And then you tear out your own tongue so you can't say Shazam again. Take your bat and ball and leave. Or we find whoever has Shazam powers currently and take out their tongue and then they can't go back to Shazam again.

That wizard. Well, we kill the wizard too. Yeah. But in... This is really late to throw this curveball, but in Black Adam, Black Adam's son gives him the power of Shazam when he's dying. So maybe if he tore up the Shazam kid's tongue, the same thing would happen. Yeah, he'd just give it to someone else. Yeah, I guess we just give it to Black Adam's kid.

He seemed to be doing pretty good. He seemed pretty good. Black Adam as well solved a lot of problems. But Black Adam sucked. He let the town get exploded. Yeah, the only thing, the only reason why, not the reason, but that Black Adam's kid did so well is because he was being so oppressed. Yeah,

that's true. You kind of need, like, I guess, the oppressed. So I guess in your like, um, terrible police state where we're brainwashing citizens, whoever rises up from that to destroy

whatever the yeah what if we have the power to give people Shazam powers and we just find people in the worst possible situation and Shazam I think maybe because it can go one of two ways remember earlier your guy that couldn't stop

killing thousands of people if the world has shit on an individual so much It can go one or two ways. Remember earlier, your guy that couldn't stop killing thousands of people? If the world has shit on an individual so much, then they might not decide to do the greater good. Yeah. What if you split it all and everyone got one letter? Or is it the problem there where it's in like, well, I guess whoever gets H,

well, he'll break the necks of everyone else. Can we just spread like everybody gets like a 0.001 percent of the Shazam power I think best solution is to kill the wizard. Yeah, alright, we'll kill the wizard. Kill the wizard, don't worry about it, don't worry about it, if the devil comes, the devil comes. Nobody should be Shazam. Yeah, yeah, whoops. If the devil comes, well, that's judgment day. Yeah, we had it coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We will be judged and sent to Hell.

Exactly. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. Look, Shazam, it's a bad idea. I don't know what to tell you. Don't give it to kids. Don't give it to dogs or adults.

Old people, young people. Young people, brainwashed people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all bad all the way. I agree. Don't give me the powers of Shazam. Bad, yeah, yeah. It's all bad all the way. I agree. Don't give me the powers of Shazam. All the way down. Shazam.