Plumbing the Death Star - You Found ET. Now What?

Episode Date: November 20, 2022

This week on Plumbing the Death Star the boys found ET and are wondering what now? Instead of Elliot finding ET, the Plumbing triplets did and for some unknown reason assume he is a French Kid with no knees. Their plan is a simple one, lure ET out of the woods with french sandwiches (prepared very wrong), a can of Pepsi and frankfurters. But then what? Listen now to hear how Zammit, Jackson and Duscher deal with being responsible for an extra terrestrial. It goes about as well as you think it will.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Hey, excuse me, what the fuck is up? And welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. This ain't your dad's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, okay? You know when your uncle was like, hey, I listen to podcasts and they turn on some fucking dog shit? Well, this is that dog shit to the extreme, brother.

To the maximum. So this is the podcast where we ask the important questions. But before we get to that, I'm your host, Joel Dushan. And I'm your host, Jackson Bailey. And I'm your host, Joel Zammett. And today, where we ask the important questions, and today's important question is actually, you found ET, now what? Whoa! It's a weird night.

Are we little boys or are we us? That's important. Well. We'll explore both, but first. I think, like, no, because we're going to have to be little boys. Because the answer if we're us currently ranges between what the fuck is that and killing E.T. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Putting E.T. in a garbage bin, rolling him down a hill. What? Boys, have we seen E.T.? No. Yeah, I guess we didn't. That thing lying in the ditch dead says otherwise. But yeah, so, hey, E.T., Steven Spielberg's greatest movie. Yep.

A little boy, Elliot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, E.T., freak of space. He lands in the woods with his freak friends. Freak friends abandon him. They're like, finally, we get to get rid of this piece of shit.

E.T., you make me want to fucking die, is what they say. Our species is disgusting, but you are the most disgusting. That's not good. That's how we don't work in a universe for all. We're ashamed about how disgusting we are, but we're extra ashamed that you're the most disgusting. And then little boy, well, E.T.'s obviously stressed

because the government want him. Which is fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. I get it. And little boy Elliot. Is he stressed because he was abandoned? No, he's stressed because of both. He's abandoned but also Mr. Jangle Keys, the guy what's jangling his keys, is hunting E.T. with his mates. Yeah.

And so E.T. is scared. And then E.T. goes and hides in a shed. And little boy Elliot drops a pizza on the way to meeting him. And then they form a lifelong friendship that ends in E.T. sucking the juice out of the boy before E.T. has to go back to space. They form a lifelong friendship where Elliot

and E.T. mind meld. But E.T.'s got a stronger brain. He gets Elliot drunk at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pams on his mum or something. And then, so Elliot kisses a girl at school because he's horned up for his own mum due to E.T.'s mind meld. Uh-huh. E.T.'s got a stronger brain, drains all of his juice. Yeah.

The little boy's thoughts. I do not remember E.T. E.T.'s getting sick, but Elliot's getting sick. And then eventually they make the E.T. phone home. One of them looks like a sick little boy. The other one looks like a white dog turd drying in the sun. Oh, I do remember this. And then E.T.'s like, anyway, kids, smile you later.

Your platter sucks shit. Bye-bye. And he goes back to space. But instead of Wee Elliot, it's the plumbing triplets. Wee plumbing the triplets. Plumbing the triplets. It's plumbing the triplets. Our older brother.

Is Drew Barrymore still the... Yeah. Why did I feel like I said that wrong? No, it was Drew Barrymore. I think I said... Yeah, I don't know. You feel like you said true Barrymore? Yeah, I said...

The true Barrymore. Something about her name I fucked up. When Drew Barrymore becomes the one situation, we'll eventually get the true Barrymore. So it's plumbing the Death Star and Drew Barrymore as a child. We're all children. Our older brother's playing D&D. We want in for some reason.

And it looks like everyone's smoking, but they're not. It's just a smoky house. Yeah, but we are smoking. Yeah, we're smoking. And we got to go get the pizza. And what do we see? First thing, first thing the little boy encounters, little ball rolls out of the shed.

Yeah. Okay. What do we think? Nothing. I'm thinking ghosts. I'm thinking, where's that fucking pizza? Do we have a dog? shed. Yeah. Okay. What do we think? Nothing. I'm thinking ghosts. I'm thinking, where's that fucking pizza? Do we have a dog?

No. Cat. No pets, I don't think. Feels like you should have- I'm out of options about why that ball rolled over. I honestly think that if a ball rolls out of my shed,

I wouldn't even notice. Okay. Is that just because you don't notice balls? Yeah, I'm not- Ball blindness. Yeah, I'm not. Ball blindness.

Yeah, I've got ball blindness. Every morning you look at the mirror, you're like, I'm a newt. Oh, wait, no. That's right. Playing a game of basketball. What the fuck are they doing? They're just running around. What the fuck? I like that my morning ritual in this situation, my ball blindness,

is to stand fully nude in front of a mirror and then freak out about it. Then having to focus really hard and I can see through the ball blindness. That's right. My full on nutsack, my fat nuts is still there. You got tattooed on the back of your hand. You got nuts. You have ball blindness.

It's funny because I've only got ball blindness but also apparently I wake up mementos every day. Dog shit memory Oh yeah Dog shit Look at your hair You've got ball blindness Look down above you

Like when your pubis morns But like written so you can read it You have balls Just focus Okay Look at the palm of your hand In basketball they're actually bouncing a ball Oh that's right

Yeah The W4 head just says You also got a ball. Oh, that's right. On the top of your forehead, it just says, you also got the memento disease. That's right. Oh, God. Okay. Okay. You look on your leg.

Memento is a movie where the main character... I was going to ask. This is awesome that you know exactly the order you're going to work in. That's impressive. Yeah. This is awesome that you know exactly the order you're going to burn your body in. That's impressive. Yeah. All right, but then eventually we see E.T. We go in the shed.

Yeah, we find E.T. I would. What are you first thinking? I don't know. I reckon there might be some kind of axe murderer. I might have already tattletaled and told mom. I might have ratted us out already. I'm sorry. Yeah, I guess if you're feeling brave and you're healing, rustling around in the...

Oh, yeah. Who's the youngest, though? Elliot. No, of the three of us. Jackson's the youngest. Okay. Yeah, I'm the baby of the group. You're the baby of the group.

I guess I'm default older, tough kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah, maybe I'm... You got to go in. Zammett's going to go in, oldest brother. We came out triplets, but wrong, I guess. Triplets, but still with the same real-life age gap. Five years between me and Zammett

and six months between me and Jackson. Zammett obviously came out first. And they were like, ma'am, don't worry, you are still pregnant. This one might just take some time. It's going to be a long label. What? One's just stewing in there for no real reason.

The other one's in there because he's too dumb to find his way out. You finally get born and they're like, we think there might be another. Oh yeah, he's in there. no real reason. The other one's in there because he's too dumb to find his way out. You finally get born and they're like, we think there might be another... Oh yeah, he's in there. He's annoying. He doesn't want to leave. He keeps yelling, it's nice in here! It's warm in the womb! I'm kind of wet like a worm!

He thinks worms are wet. I've come out fully formed. Worms aren't wet. He doesn't know about what worms are, but because I came out fully formed, I told him what worms were in the world. It's really free. He's really scared of being born into a world of worms. I told him about nothing else.

Just worms. Once we get out of this here pussy, you see, Jackson, there's nothing but worms. And worms are those long pink snakes? Yeah. Holy shit. But they're not wet. They seem like they should be wet, but they're not wet. I'm staying in, dude. I'm staying in. Yeah, you just stay in this here pussy. And then're not wet. They seem like they should be wet, but they're not wet. I'm staying in, dude.

I'm staying in. Yeah, you just stay in this here pussy. And then I slide out. Ah! Oh! Where are the words? Would you be scared of E.T.? Would you serve E.T.?

You're fighting. You're running. You're hitting him. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. E.T. E.T. E.T.

I would grab the nearest thing and throw it at him. Also, well, that's the pizza. Oh, shit. Brother's going to kick the shit out of you. Okay, we cover E.T. in hot, greasy cheese. We burn E.T., he runs into the cornfield. Oh, well. The fuck was that?

We upset a kid? Wait, when we first run into E.E, do you reckon he's covered? Is he wearing like a blanket or anything? Or is he just standing there being a freak? I think he's hiding kind of in the shed. I would. I think that. You think he's like a fucked up kid?

Yeah. You'd be like, do we know any fucked up kids? Mom, there's a fucked up kid in the thing. Sorry for saying fuck. Don't tell mom. We can't. If mom finds out we've got this fucked up kid in the shed. Don't tell mom.

What if this fucked up kid's cool and has a Nintendo DS? You don't know. Shut the fuck up. Hey, fucked up kid, you got a Nintendo DS? You don't know how to speak it. Shut the fuck up. The hot cheese and douche's bullying makes it flee into the cornfield. That is where E.T. goes after Elliot meets him the first time.

Is he some kind of foreign exchange student? Is that what's going on? Is he from a country? What country could he be from? Are you from France? Is there a country where people got no knees? I'm young and stupid. It's the 80s.

We don't have the internet. Now I'm confused. Do you think he's- What's your name, fucked up kid? Yeah. Well, E.T. runs into the cornfield. Oh, where'd he go? Get out of the corn!

He was primed to flee, but in the movie, Elliot's like, I gotta go into the woods behind the cornfield to try and track him down. Okay.

Well, I feel this would be one of us is like, gotta go tell mom. Yeah. The other one was like, why are you too scared?

And then that will inevitably make all of us go and hunt down this E.T. I'm not scared. He's just a fucked up kid from France with no knees.

Yeah, it's normal. I've actually, I saw it in a magazine once. I actually went scared. He's just a fucked up kid from France with no knees. Yeah, it's normal. I've actually, I saw it in a magazine once. I actually went to France before you guys were born. Yeah, I know. They love sandwiches, I think. You know a French sandwich?

You know one of those French sandwiches? Yeah. It's got no crusts or too much crust. Yeah, it's real good. At school, that's all I ate. Yeah, yeah, we know. We know how we become confused

And to try and trap E.T. Make him a French sandwich That's just I like to imagine It's two slices of bread But with a crust cut off But put in the sandwich Yeah yeah

A crust sandwich With no crust You sure this is One of the French things Yeah They love it So the three of us Go into the kitchen

We start making A French sandwich is. Yeah, they love it. So the three of us go into the kitchen. We start making a French sandwich. Boys, what are you making? Nothing. We're just making a snack, Mom. Nothing, but we don't have to always be in our business. Mom, Mom, Mom, leave me alone. I'm fucking 11 or some shit. Mom, go look after Drew Barrymore.

She's smaller than us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And our older brother who's, I'm sorry, dad left us to go to Mexico. We've not been paying heaps of attention to the family. Really. What's happening? Mom, do you know Dungeons and Dragons causes Satanism? I think you should speak to my family.

Anyway, Mike. I'm scared that he's going to summon the devil. As we're making the French sandwich, I'm like, devil? Oh, no. Did they summon the devil? And is that what we're going to give the French sandwich to? This might either protect us. Hey, mom, does the devil eat sandwiches?

Mom, what do you know about friends? We're just really scared of the sandwich now. What if we just give him something else from the fridge? Well, I'm going to get a can of Pepsi out of the fridge. We'll give him that. Frankfurt's. I reckon Satan's hate Frankfurt's. Love Frankfurt's.

Yeah. So if he eats it, there's a good or a bad side about it being the devil. Well, the devil would eat the devil's favorite sandwich. Maybe then why don't we eat us, the devil would eat the devil's favorite sandwich. Maybe they won't eat us, the three little boys. So with a French sandwich, a can of Pepsi, some frankfurters, we'll go into the woods.

Unless you're bringing anything else. No, I reckon that's it. We're going to be fully equipped. A link of sausages around my neck. I'm holding a long sandwich. Okay. Then we're going to trap... In the movie, they get E. Okay. Then we got a trap. In the movie, they get E.T. in the woods, right?

Because he meets him in the- Little French Satan, we've got your sandwich. Is he not getting sick? No, not- Does E.T.? Yeah. Not straight away, I don't think. This is crazy because I feel like me and you have seen this movie a million times.

Specifically because we've done like two episodes on it. On friend show of the show total reboot with Cameron Alexie. I feel like I've watched E.T. so many times, but I cannot remember now how they acquire E.T. Doesn't he take the Reese's Pieces into the woods, puts them down so E.T. can... He's a botanist. He's got a job. Yeah. I guess that means there's E.T.'s

because he... So he shrieks and E.T. runs off to the cornfield, but then Elliot's like, I found another alien! And he leaves a trail of Reese's Pieces. Oh, back to his house. And he lures him back. So I guess we leave alien. They're like, no, you didn't. And he leaves a trail of Reese's Pieces. Oh, back to his house. And he lures him back. Yeah.

So I guess we leave Frankfurt. So we don't. We're hunting him. Yeah. Unlike little Elliot. We're like, wow. We got to capture him. We're going to go and find him and help him out.

What do you think would happen to E.T.? Hey, mom, we found a French boy. We're just going to take him back to France. We're just going to give him a sandwich he loves, I think. What would happen to E.T. if he was manhandled by three boys and forced to eat hot dogs? Yeah. A lot of bread. And finish it off with half a Pepsi.

We got your favorite sandwich. He loves it. Does E.T. have teeth? Yes. And it's bad. It's not good to look at. He does have teeth. E.T. does have teeth.

So he could eat a hot dog, if that's a question. He seems to like Reese's pizzas. That's true. I'm guessing he would also like all kinds of earth food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Including this French sandwich that we invented. Slaved over a hot stone. All day to make.

Okay, so then we've got to bring E.T. into the house. Well, at this point, E.T. starts mimicking Elliot's movements because Elliot's kind to E.T. And I guess we haven't been unkind. Look, we've been, I would say, medium. We got scared, but then we gave him food. Yeah, we gave him hot dogs. And it's not like we're trying to hit him with a bat

and we're not shooting guns or whatever. Do you want to play Atari with us? You can play. You want to come over? We'll sleep over at our house, and then we'll be like, Mom, the French kid's staying with us tonight. And she'll be like,

Oh, that's nice. Whatever. Are you a pug that became a boy? Or maybe you're what a dog looks like with no fur on. Or the devil. We never clarify. You've got to tell us if you're a Satan. Hey, Mom, if you meet the devil

and you ask if the devil's the devil, does the devil have to tell you it's the devil? I don't know, dear. I don't think so. We're going to ask our older brother. He is summoning a Satan currently. Hey, older brother. Did you summon us, guy?

Did you summon a Satan? And if you ask a Satan if it's a Satan, does he have to say he's a Satan? I don't think that's how that works. Yeah. Hey, older brother. Aren't they lawful? If you think a cop, that undercover cop's a cop, and you ask him to ask a cop, he has to say it's a cop.

Did you know that, older brother? That's the law. Yeah. Yeah. I saw that on TV. Pretty different from the devil, though. Why? The devil's a kind of cop. Yeah. I imagine that on TV. Pretty different from the devil, though. Why? The devil's a kind of cop.

Yeah. I imagine at this point E.T. has just walked out. Oh, my God! Don't worry. Don't he? He's either French or a Satan. We haven't... Or maybe like a dog that got shot with a man gun.

We don't know. Yeah. Or a man that got shot with a dog gun. That's a good point. And it went really wrong. Yeah. That's a good theory. So we don really wrong. That's a good theory. So we don't know yet.

Okay, how quickly do we... We got E.T. in our room. We share a room. What are we... What's the first... Triple bunk bed. Yeah, triple bunks. No, two bunks and then I'm in a slide-out bed.

From the bottom that you slide underneath when I go to sleep. Every morning, whoever's in the bottom bunk wakes up to a... Oh! You forget. Every morning whoever's in the bottom bunk wakes up to a oh! You forget. Every single morning. On like the glow in the dark writing, you are under a bed. Don't get up.

Why do I do that? Help! Help! It panics me every morning. It's actually the words do more damage than I'd woke up normal. He wrote them. You're in a drawer and you have memento. No! What's memento?

Oh, it's like, I've got stuff written on my body, but I'm in the dark. I can't see it. What do I need to remember? Every morning. It's your alarm, basically. We get shaken out of bed. That's what wakes us up. Okay, so first thing I'm thinking with E.T., I want to put clothes on him. Oh your alarm, basically. We get shaken out of bed. That's what wakes us up. Okay,

first thing I'm thinking with E.T., I want to put clothes on him. Oh, yeah, yeah, smart. Give him a pair of nice denim jeans. Give him a pair of... I understand that you're going to want clothes from your, what I envision, culture. Yeah, yeah. But we're going to do some American-fashioned

jeans. Yeah. Lovely, I don't know jeans. Yeah. Blue jeans. Some kind of Mickey Mouse t-shirt. But to keep with your cultural roots. If he's from France maybe. Yeah. Okay. Nice. E.T.'s looking good. How are jeans going to look on E.T.'s

proper tiny legs? Maybe I'll give him a scarf. I think E.T.'s got the neck for it. He's got the neck for it. He's got a long, elegant swan neck, so it works. I'm imagining kind of like the traditional mime. Oh, yeah, okay. Okay, so I'm going to show you a picture of E.T.'s

full body and you tell me where the jeans go. Okay, so if E.T. could wear pants. Yeah, would he wear pants like this? E.T.'s got such a fucking pube mound, dude. So I'm guessing instead of jeans, we're giving him like jorts fucking pube mouth, dude. So I'm guessing instead of jeans, we're giving him like jorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll give him some. No, no, no, no. It's going to have to be a long t-shirt and shoes. There's no place for pants. You're giving him jorts. He's got legs. He's got legs. He runs.

No, he's got feet. He's got legs. He's got legs. Where are his legs? Underneath his paunch. I'm imagining it hangs over. Yeah, gut. Oh, wait, hang on.

I think this is a sidearm. Yeah, so I'm imagining his paunch. I'm imagining it hangs over. Yeah, gut. Oh, wait, hang on. I think this is a sidearm. Yeah, so I'm imagining his paunch. No legs, just feet. It hangs over. How's he got no legs? Come on. Well, it's like feet stuck to his body. He can't just have feet.

That doesn't work. His paunch is hiding his legs in his little gross ET dick. Yeah, his little gross ET dick's under the paunch. So he lifts up the paunch to flush his ET dick? Yeah. Look, I understand that maybe in France things are different, but in America we wear underderps. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In D'America. We'll put underwear on him at least. We can fit underwear, even if it's just legs. Yeah. We can put underderps. That's right, yeah. Give him some derps. Give him some booty shorts.

Yeah. Maybe some slippers. Yeah, he him some derps. Give him some booty shorts. Yeah. Maybe some slippers. Yeah. He's looking good. Come on. No. Air Jordans. Wait.

Whoa. That was probably not a thing in 82. Wait. Was it? Not Jordans, but Nike. Nike. We could put Nike on him. Who was our sporting hero in the 80s?

In 82. I mean, basketball was at that point. Oh, wait. No. They would have. Nike, we could put Nike on him. Who was our sporting hero in the 80s? In 82. I mean, basketball was at that point. Oh, wait, no, they would have... Because Chuck Taylors were... Yeah, true. Which would mean converse. Anyway, just like you... Here's another angle of E.T.

Where are his legs? Behind his arms. He's got like a tiny, thin, nothing leg. We could put Tidy Whitey on these. Oh, yeah, easy. Tidy Whitey's and you put like, you know, some booty shorts. Short skirt and a long

jacket. That's the perfect outfit for E.T. Oh my god, it is the perfect outfit for the moment. That is good because then E.T. can still move his fucked up belly legs but feet big. Gross feet. When E.T. starts revealing psychic powers to us,

how would we react to that? Well, we get drunk at school. Okay. The boys are acting extra stupid. I think. I think their dumbness is getting worse. No, no, no, no, no. There's a guy at our

house who's a habit. I don't know if you know this. I think he loves wine. I get it. He loves wine. Mr. Teacheser. I don't know if you know this, but the French love wine and our French boy, he's

mind-melded us. I'm horned up! They're all so horny. That's fucked up that E.T.'s horny in our house right now. That's why they call them the kisses. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's true. Here's a question as well.

E.T. starts sucking off Elliot's power. Juice, yeah. Are we going to be more okay than Elliot is? Well, there is three of us. Yeah, there's a distributor across the three of us. So we'll probably be fine, but... He's getting sick. Yeah, he's...

What? Here's the thing that we've never been able to get to the bottom of. What makes E.T. sick? He's sick because he's only been eating Reese's Pieces. Uh-huh. Which is not really a diet that he's used to. Peanut butter. Surely it'd be the atmosphere, right?

Well, I don't know. Yeah, maybe. Like what gets the aliens from Mars, the common cold? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess maybe it's just like the atmosphere is making E.T. sick, which in turn makes Elliot sick. Because like what else could it be? That's funny as well, because that means that we are all going to get like a little bit sick, but E.T.'s

going to get really fucked up. Like, it's going to be a very different scenario. We're going to be like, oh yeah, I feel a little under the weather whilst E.T.'s becoming a white dog turd before our very eyes. Yeah, have you found what makes E.T. sick? Elliot thinks that the doctors are killing him. Yeah, okay. Well, yeah, because he's getting scared of the doctors and that makes E.T. sick? Elliot thinks that the doctors are killing him Yeah okay

Well yeah because he's getting scared of the doctors And that makes E.T. Sort of No because E.T. becomes unwell before that too Remember there's that horrible scene of E.T.'s corpse in a river Yeah That's one of the worst scenes in movies E.T.'s corpse in a river is bad

Don't we need flowers? Is that what we need? I don't know Look, that's one of the worst scenes in movies. E.T.'s corpse in a river is bad. We don't need flowers? Is that what we need? I don't know. I don't know what E.T. needs to feel better. Christanthenums? Well, we're never figuring that out. Let's be honest, boys.

There's no way in hell we're figuring out what made E.T. sick. But do you think that we can prevent E.T. from being collected by the government? Well, there's three of us to run interference. We are all mind-melded with said E.T. Are we thinking E.T.'s an alien? No. Yeah, at no point. Even when he goes home, we're like, huh. Who was that kid?

His car's weird. I guess we'll visit when we're in Europe. Yeah, wow. Well, because there's that scene, E.T., he's sucking down fucking grapes or whatever. And then he points to the Earth. And then he points to, he explains to Elliot that he's from space. Do you think that we would get that? No.

Just looking at it. Yay! E.T. wants the planets, I guess. Just taking them off the roof. I can't see the globes because they are shaped like balls. What's he pointing to? Oh, that's right. Check your... I think it's your pubes. What's this written on my foreskin? Read pubes what's this written on my foreskin read pubes you can't read pubes there

i'll never get to the bottom of this mystery see i maybe i'd grab like a geography book and like again flip to france and when he's when he's saying like et, E.T., go home. I'm like, home! And pointing at home. Home? Right, E.T.? E.T.'s, like, pointing at satin, and you pull his hand down and aim it at France. No, you're not from satin. No, you're from France. You're a French boy. French sandwiches.

It's a sandwich with a cup. That's what you keep eating. That's what you keep eating. I'll make you another one. E.T., too many carbs. E.T. carbs sick. The biggest belly. E.T. carbs sleepy.

And he just dies. Holy crap. I guess he either had too many French sandwiches or not enough French sandwiches. We'll never know. I don't know the ratio. Yeah. We'll never know. I don't know the ratio. Elliot also reveals E.T.

to his older brother and younger sister. I think we try and keep E.T. a secret, but eventually... We'd fuck it up. A lot of the questions would be about summoning a Satan. Or it'd be like, okay, we gotta make a deal, boys. No one can know about E.T. And we make a deal, and then tonight at dinner

the camera's panning around all of us at the table and it's just E.T. We all stare at each other like we all forgot. Oh no! Mom, don't look at the end of the table. Don't look, don't look, don't look! So this is... Mom, it's private,

it's private, it's private! Mom, it's private, it's private! Just climbing on E.T., picking him up and taking him upstairs. This is Pierre. Just climbing on E.T., picking him up and taking him upstairs. This is Pierre. He's our friend. That, what is that? French. He's French.

He's from France, mom. Mom. That's not what French people look like. What? What? Mom, have you been to France? Yes. You can't say that.

What? When did you go to France? Without us? Yeah, before you were born. What? Before we were born. I can't even handle this. Mum. Mum, we are taking Pierre. We are going to our place. It's funny because, like, without the context of E.T. pointing to the different planets, would you assume he was an alien?

No. No. You might think he was a mutant or like something supernatural like maybe the devil. Mom burns our older brother's D&D books. Could have been Shimmits a boy that got too sick. Yeah, that's true. The sick boy theory.

Does mom call the hospital a priest? How religious is our mom? It would be hospital, priest or police, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. What do you reckon? How religious is our mum? It would be hospital, priest, or police, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, what do you reckon? How religious is our mum currently? She's not terribly religious.

Yeah, well, she is letting our old brother play the indie. Yeah, that's true. I reckon cops are getting called, because it's like... I think hospital. Well, look at this sick little boy. He's so sick that he... Yeah, and like, I mean, you know, she's got no reason to not believe that he's not

from France. Yeah, that's true. And then when the police come, or the doctors come, E.T. gets scared, we get a bit sick. Yeah. Oh, mom. E.T., do you reckon he'd run away? From the police? He's tripping over his

long jacket. He ain't getting away that getting away That's for sure Police roll him over To in the brain Would the police shoot E.T.? No because they capture him For science I'm assuming we took him to hospital

But then they want to kill him For science But that's if they believe he's an E.T. We're like no he's from free believe he's an ET. We're like, no! He's from free! The hospital will look at him and be like, this is a fucking ET. Yeah, this guy is not a person. This is not a sick little boy, nor is it a healthy French boy. This is not what a human

body looks like, boys. Oh, and then we fast forward to the end of ET really early. We never did Halloween together. We never did the classic. That means I miss out on E.T.'s best trick when you use a camera flash, he faints. That is a good trick.

I assume because doctors are like, you know, they take the Hippocratic oath of do no harm. The chances are they're not going to kill E.T. No, but they might call the government who will. But then they'll be, well, again, giving up an E.T. or that thing that is like showing some level of... What happens...

Okay, dumb question. I'm listening. What happens if, say, we live in a country that has never seen orangutan before. All right. And then we took said orangutan to a hospital. Okay. And then we're like, our good friend here is dying of sick. Have you ever seen Joel's arm in an orangutan?

No one has. This is just like, okay, so in Heart Pool, I think. Okay. I'm going somewhere with this. All right. You'll like this. I can't even tell if this is a made up place or a made up movie. I might be pronouncing it like a heart pull or something like that.

Okay. Anyway. What is it? This was like in Napoleon times. Not a movie? No, this is real life. Okay. A heart pull.

Yeah, a heart pull. It's a place. It'll be a place. A place. A place. So during, and this was when the English hated the French. Yeah. I think I know this story.

And then a ship crashed. But then on the ship there hated the French. Yeah. Oh, I think I know this story. And then a ship crashed. But then on the ship, there was a mascot. Yeah. A certain monkey wearing a suit, wearing a military outfit. And so then the people were like, this Frenchman, we hate the French. Yeah. So they hung the monkey. Yeah.

That is good. That is good stuff. So in a similar situation. No, they're hanging E.T. That was what year? What century? Yes, that was the Polio times versus America in the 1980s. They'd been to the moon.

They might think, I will concede this, that E.T. was a monkey. Oh, yeah. It could have been a sick ape or missing link. Yeah. Okay. There a monkey. Oh yeah, it could have been a sick ape. Or missing link. Yeah. There he goes. Monkeys, this creature, humans. Not so much a missing link as like a weird left turn.

If we took this thing that can communicate presumably and... It talks a bit. Surely, would they call like... Who would they call them? They would call the government. What is the government? What number is the government?

What do you fucking mean? You would contact the police, and then the police would contact the CIA. Surely, you'd contact the Zook. No. It's communicating. If you were like, hey, I've brought in my friend here, and they're like, that isn't the right guy. Plus, in E.T., the government is looking for E.T. That is true.

So the moment the hospital calls the police and is like, I don't know who to call, but we've got a fucked up alien. We've got some strange creature that we don't know what it is. The government's like, that's probably our E.T. Does it look fucked up? Does it look like white dog shit? Yeah, I would say so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come pick it up soon. Yeah. Does it look fucked up? Does it look like white dog shit? Yeah, I would say so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come pick it up soon.

Yeah. E.T. That's funny because in E.T. they were going to shoot E.T. The government's sick and tired of him. Yeah, he keeps getting away. But yeah. So, but does this story end with E.T.

gets sick, dies. We're like, oh, that was bad. That was a crazy summer. I feel my belly's a bit sore. I feel better, though. E.T.'s death made me strong. And then in like, yeah, 20 years from then, we kind of remember that time we hung out with that French student. Well, yeah, because I guess the one big difference that's going to change quite substantially is like,

that plan only works at the end because the mom gets involved. Yeah. Because E.T., she loves her son end because the mom gets involved. Yeah. Because E.T., she loves her son and her son and E.T. have a special connection. But if we only get a little bit sick. Yeah, exactly. We're not dying. So if we're like, say, if we are all three of us.

Yeah. Then maybe mom would help. Yeah. Which means that the ending could still help. But I don't think we have the wild. No. To make that happen. We're going to steal a truck and unhook the Jews. That's not happening. The moment E.T.'s lying on a fucking slab and we're on a slab opposite him and they're like,

E.T.'s dead, I'm giving up. Yeah, E.T.'s dead. I don't know an E.T. Oh, you mean the fucked up A.T. guy we hung out with for like a week. Yeah, okay. Pierre? Oh, that's sad. Oh, you mean the fucked up guy we hung out with for like a week. Yeah, okay. Pierre? Oh, that's sad. Oh, well.

Pierre. Rest in peace. What killed him? It wasn't sandwiches, was it? Do you know if he can eat? Did we give Pierre too many sandwiches? He can eat French bread. French bread.

He can eat French bread because he's from France? He's not from France. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, because maybe like the Mauritius. There are other parts of the... No, no, no. No? No.

Ha. Oh, French-Canadian. No, he's not a person. What? That's a horrible thing to say about our dead friend. Yeah. You know, he was an extraterrestrial. What's that?

That's what you call people from space. What the fuck are you saying? No. We got a little cuss about this. Is he meant to be fucking clever? Yeah. What makes you think he's from space, Cod? Because that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.

No. Oh, he's from space. He's from space. No. We saw his spaceship land. And a bunch of other guys, like him. Yeah. Alive, though.

Yeah. This one's definitely dead because you didn't do anything to help him. What are you doing? It's dead as a fucking doorknob, dude. No. If you look, we're cutting open his skull right now. Yeah. Cutting open his human skull.

E.T. autopsy. What's in E.T.? Maybe they should have let him. Maybe they're like, oh, E.T.'s for science, we're going to kill E.T. and we're like, yeah, fair enough. Fair enough, see what's up his guts. Yeah, see what's in him. I mean, don't look in his stomach because it'll just be

bread, but the rest of him, yeah, fuck it, Let's go. Because he's got that heart glow. Yeah. Find out what that is. He's got healing capabilities. Yeah. Clearly not that good.

Yeah, it didn't help him. Find out how he does that. What's his brain look like? Mind melt? Maybe he's going to fuck the brain. Yeah, that's so much good. Yeah, Chuck, chop him up. Yeah.

Let's see what's in this little freak. That's so much good. Yeah, Chuck, chop him up. Yeah. Let's see what's in this little freak. So, look, it's not a surprise to see that we've got to the end of E.T. and the only real difference is that E.T.'s dead and we don't care. So, yeah.

That's not really where I expected it to go. Didn't expect to find that out about ourselves. We shouldn't have become convinced he was a little boy. That was our mistake. Was that a mistake? Let's rewind it back and we assume he's an extraterrestrial. Does it change anything? I'm not feeding him as much bread.

I'm probably scared. I've seen Alien yet? No. Have I? I don't know. Have I seen Alien yet? No. Have I? I don't know. Have you seen Alien? It's 82.

Has it come out yet? Oh. Oh. I thought you meant like, has this fictional version of you seen an alien just like separately from E.T.? I'm pretty sure the first Alien's 79. I might have seen it. Or Elder Brother watched it and then I watched it sneakily

and got scared. Yeah, I watched it from like the doorway to the lounge room. If I find out E.T. can... I'm still not sure about that. Shut up, Siri. If I find out E.T. can... Still not sure about that, Siri.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. We're not sure about shit, Siri. Yeah, I'm still not sure about that. Siri, we're not fucking sure about Formula Nesta. We're not doing it for you.. Yeah, I'm still not sure about that. Siri, we're not fucking sure about the rest of it. We're not doing it for you. 500 episodes in.

Are we sure? No! Siri. Apple. Yeah, always listening. Always listening. Listen to this. What tipped her off?

I don't know. She needed a hand. Shut up, Siri. Shut up, Siri. Yeah. If I find out E.T. can cure wounds, dude, I'm hammering nails into my hands. Pushing him to his E.T. can cure wounds Dude I'm hammering nails Into my hands

Pushing him to his limit Yeah Holy shit E.T. can fix this Chop off my hand Come on E.T. Just stabbing my own knee E.T. is just like That just heals it over so my hand is off

Oh Can't put it back on I assumed it straight away You're gonna go to that Hand on the table This is a beautiful smooth patch Where your hand was I just can't fix that now

Holding up the hand DT fixes the end of that No You can get a prosthetic I hair DT fixes the end of that no you can get a prosthetic I guess DT I wish your hand's still good I guess

it's preserved now but it's gonna rot away I mean slap an E.T. with my own hand if you hadn't have healed both over there was probably

a good chance you could like well yeah medically I thought E.T. could sew me back up but now it's all

I hate this little alien I'm gonna flush him then you two have to hold me back so I don't take him to the toilet and flush him down I'm giving him a swirly

how are you gonna pick him up with one hand he's light is he he looks heavy he does look heavy he looks like he's got a really low center of gravity

yeah you have to shove him. He'd be hard to bully. Yeah, he would be hard to bully. He's very easy to bully. Easy to bully, but yeah. You just give him slaps on the top of the head. Shrieks down, poor E.T. Poor E.T.

If you don't want me to play your head like a drum, you should know how to drum a head shaped like a drum. It's just like E.T. came to one house different to Elliot's house. Looking out the window at his sad little boy as you play bongo drums

and his hair's bouncing and pepsi on his head. This was good. We're going to call you Table. And sometimes I'm going to call you Cunt. I reckon I can

dip him over. Grabbing him by the base and flipping him. He came to the wrong house. Fucking check the address next time, hey idiot. We're the worst house in the suburb. He's giving him a dead leg. You cucked him, you cucked him. He hates it, He hates it.

I'm going to hold his body. You hold his legs and we'll straighten him out. You pull his legs and we'll see how much leg is in him. Whoa, his neck gets real low. Oh, yuck. He's like a slinky. Well, okay. That's one way they could go.

Yeah. That's probably the more accurate way. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what happens if we find him as grown-ups. If we find him as grown-ups, we're like,

we've got to kill him immediately. And then one of us is like, wait, wait, wait, this could be funny. Like a drum at the table. Well, to be honest, if I'm finding him as a 35-year-old man, I'd probably call pest control. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I think I've got a some kind of bat in my yeah, yeah, for sure. I think I've got a some kind of bat in my shed. I don't know. I think I would go puppet, and then when he moved, haunted puppet. Fair enough. I'm going, yeah, some kind of bat or a shaved raccoon.

I'm putting a crucifix on his face to try and get whatever is possessing this puppet out. Imagine it works. That's scary. Press the crucifix on E.T. and steam comes up. E.T. opens up his mouth and a little spirit flies out and he collapses. I'm like, what?

Well, he was an alien, but he was also possessed. It was a separate thing. He's sort of like a ventriloquist dummy for a large alien species that looks like that. I'd be way too scared to try anything biblical in case it worked. Yeah, that would be frightening. Hold up a cross and it works. I'm like, hmm, I have to reassess.

I'd much prefer to just be a shaved dog that I have to put down. Or a sick ape from the zoo. We've got to go to the vet. I just found this dog we need to put down. Mom, we've got to go to the vet. Why? I just found this dog we need to put down. He's walking like a man. Well, no. He's not walking like a dog.

I will say that much. I'd like to put E.T. in the dryer, I think. Yeah. What happens? Gets hot. Because, again, if you're thinking about it, if he got into a box, like a cardboard box, you put a blanket in there, I might take him to the vet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's the way to go. I'm certainly not befriending him. No, no, no. He's too oily. He's too oily for that. If I'm old enough where I have a car, I'm driving more of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's the vet's problem.

Then it's not my issue. Hey, if no one comes to collect him, feel free to put him down. That's good to say, like, as you're leaving the vets' office with a bunch of people with their dogs and cats waiting in the waiting room. Hey, you've got a no-collection-within-six-hours-put-down policy, yeah? Right? Can you? Can you?

We all agree. We're all thinking it. That thing should be put down. Anyway, this has not made any impact on me, and I'm going to forget about this in 45 minutes. See ya. Bye. Yeah, we found this in our shed.

I was like, I don't know. Remember when I've been hucking up something and causing a bit of a ruckus? I think maybe a dog must have bitten it. Probably got rabies. Yeah, his son put it down. I think it's probably time. I popped back in the room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably definitely got rabies. You should put it down. Yeah, definitely put it down. Definitely. I think you should probably time to put it down. I have to pop back in the remote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably definitely got rabies. You should put it down. Yeah, definitely put it down. Definitely. I think you should kill us, Frank. I've taken him to a priest. You know puppets?

I'm aware. I think this one's a puppet with a bad spirit in it. Nobody should have ever made a puppet this oily. Hey, hey, father. do you put down dogs? I know this is not traditionally a dog, but it might as well be. That boot there with the screeny thing, is there a hammer in there or something? Hey, father, if I assume something is the devil, is it a sin or is it positive or negative if I

kill it? Come and look at this. The bat wouldn't put it down. Why are we yelling? He's doing it. He's giving a sermon. I imagine you were talking to the priest. A funeral is happening. I've walked in holding E.T.'s hand who's walking alongside me. Hey, what up, suckers?

What a motherfucker man. Should this guy die? Hey, you seem like good people to ask. Would you be sad if this guy died? You seem sad about this guy being dead. Holding E.T. up with one hand. Found this by the river. I don't think it's a yabby.

Could be, though. The best time to find E.T. Is when he's disgusting And dead in a river That's the ultimate time to find him Because all that is Is we're down by the river We poke it with a stick We're like

Yuck Then we're on We go on with our day Father the yabbies get this big And this lumpy What do you reckon? Tell me about this guy that died If there's room in the coffin Can we just put this lumpy? What do you reckon? Tell me about this guy that died.

If there's room in the coffin. Can we just put this in too? Because they're all going to the same place. Hell. Yeah, isn't there? Some widow starts crying. What? What?

He's going anyway. Yeah, what? You think he's going to heaven? What's he do? You sad about this wet gross thing? Oh, no, your husband. Oh, yeah, fair. Yeah, fair enough. I he's going to heaven? What's he do? You sad about this wet gross thing? Oh, no, your husband. Oh, right. Yeah, fair.

Yeah, fair enough. I'm just going to squeeze in here. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry for your life. Sorry, I'm really sweaty. Yeah, yeah. I'm just picking up my coat. Gabby's little thing of Kentucky Fried Chicken. You want some chicken?

You want some chicken in your tri-time, man? It's a bit wet. You want some funeral chicken? Oh, the grease is soaked into my coat. Mark, don't you hate it when this happens? Do you have a napkin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat these waddle-in out of the church. I'll give you a napkin if you give me your leg. Yeah.

Does this jacket, does this coat now smell like chicken here? You sniff it? Yeah, it'll be like chicken. Yeah, damn it. Anyway, who's this guy? Who's dead? My husband. Single? Bum? Single now guy? Who's that? My husband. Single? Bum? Single now, then?

On the market? Would you say in the market? Looking for a handsome man with chicken in his coat, maybe? I mean, I've come to you in a trying time. I mean, I'm clearly a man of good spirit. Oh, fuck my... Well, I don't know what he is. Oh, fuck that thing I hate, Scott.

I'll be back. Rush out of the church. Call me. You'll buy a car. Yeah, there's really no good scenario for E.T. to find us, is there? No, no. E.T. finds woman to death.

It's a death sentence. It's just a death sentence for that little freak. No matter our intentions. No matter our age, intentions, we can choose to love E.T. and he will die.

I'll be like, I'll give this E.T. so much fucking milkshake. And he'll die from milkshake. I'm like, I love this E.T. We need to tell a lot of people how great this E.T. is. Oh, the government's sewing him up. Sewing him up. They had to un-sew him first. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, no winning for E.T. It's a lose-lose situation For all E.T. E.T.'s lucky they found Elliot Yeah And gone plumbing the death stone Yeah And on that note

I've been Joel I've been Jackson And I've also been Joel Even though at the end It sounded like we were sad E.T.'s dead I want you all to know We're actually happy

Fuck E.T. We're joyous Yeah At his passing He's disgusting He disgusts me Yeah He gets oilier every time

I watch that movie. Rancid.