Plumbing the Death Star - You Just Caught the Bus. Oh No! It’s Speed Now! What’s Your Move?

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

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Sans Pants Radio, Australia's most procedurally generated podcast network. Here's the only true thing ever. Plumbing the Death Star cannot be stopped. Australia's worst boys are doing their very first live podcast of 2021, and you, that's right, you are invited. This June 5th at the Comedy Republic, we'll be asking the important questions live on stage in the flesh, red and sweaty from the stage lights for all to see. It's 18 plus,

because we do love to cuss, but if you're underage and you can convince a parent or guardian to join you, then you can come too. Tickets go on sale 10am May 5th, link to grab the tickets in the show notes below, you do not want to miss this, I am going to say something stupid guaranteed and you want to be there to tell me off, otherwise how will I learn? Again, links to the tickets in the show notes below, June 5th, Comedy Republic, 3 Handsome Boys, I guess it's true what they say, Plumbing the Death Star cannot be stopped. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like you just caught the bus.

Oh, no, it's speed now. What's your move? We got on the bus Speed one yeah Not a cruise ship Not a cruise ship with Willem Dafoe And he loves leeches Willem Dafoe and he loves leeches It's speed one

I feel like you've latched onto the speed part I have That I'm on a bus Wait it's not scary yet No not yet I feel like you've latched onto the speed part. I have. You forgot the first part. That I'm on a bus. Yes. Wait, it's not scary yet. No, not yet. No. So basically in the movie Speed,

the people that are on the bus just think they're on a normal bus. The bus gets on a freeway. Keanu Reeves is like, get off the bus. That's my Keanu Reeves. He's like, don't go above speed. And then he's like, there's a bomb on the bus. And then the bus driver's like, don't go above speed. And then he puts a note, it's like there's a bomb on the bus. And then the bus driver's like. Well, I suppose we should figure out why we're on the bus. I would like to say I've just been grocery shopping.

I have five big paper bags full of oranges. Okay. And hot milk. And hot milk that I'm trying to take to my sick mama. Okay. In hospital. Okay. That's what I have with me.

If that'll become a useful tool later in speed to maybe save the day. Okay. Well, it's funny because I was just at the shops getting a bomb defuser kit and a gun. I should have picked that, not hot milk and oranges. Why is it hot? It's been a hot day. So it's milk that's turned hot.

I got the milk 6 a.m. this morning. Realized I had a whole bunch of chores. 3 p.m. now, hot day, 40 degrees. Just throw the milk away. The milk's gone hot. Or where? I'm on the bus. He's got five bags.

I just put the milk down next to me. I was like, oh, that's hot. Oh, no. Alan rocks there. I stand up. I'm like, everybody everybody just letting you know the milk is hot no one touch it

or tip it over thank you very much I believe in speed it's like a morning bus cause so the milk's only lukewarm cause basically

what happens is Keanu Reeves' character is going out for breakfast I think and then he leaves and then a bus explodes and he's like oh my god and then he finds out that there's another bomb on a different think, and then he leaves, and then a bus explodes, and he's like, oh, my God!

And then he finds out that there's another bomb on a different bus. Okay. And then if he doesn't do anything... Why are you on the bus? Why am I on the bus? I'm probably going to see a movie. That's cool, man.

Speed 2. Cruise control. No, I'm just going to go see a movie. I don't know what's playing. So I brought some popcorn from home. From home? From home? From home. Can of Pepsi Cola.

Nice, dude. From home. It's going to get warm in the car. I mean, like, hey, I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but it seems like you could have got that at the cinema. Yeah. No, that's fine. Okay.

I think I would have probably, if I'm catching the bus, probably just dropped off my car at the mechanic. Yeah, nice. You've got nothing except too much paperwork. I've got too much paperwork in my wallet. Yeah, that's great. Empty. Because the service cost

me a lot, and I left my phone in my car. Okay. Do we know each other? Where are my keys? Am I like turning around? He's got them, of course. How am I getting the house? I forgot to detach my car keys from my house keys, a common mistake. Yes. I turn around in my chair, I say, oh my God, the plumbing boy.

Hey, Dave. Hello. But I can't, there's someone next to me is an old woman, so I can't shuffle past her because I got so many bags, so I'm just going to stay where I am. Yeah. Does Alan, so look, I've seen the movie Speed relatively recently. That's great news. Recently enough that I can probably talk you through what's going on but Alan Rock is on the boss

Cameron from Ferris Bueller but he's not Cameron, he's a different guy what's he doing? he's a tourist and he's annoying people because they're grumpy LA people and he's like oh my god at an airport in the street

and they're like shut, you fucking clown idiot. Stop talking to me. Ah, we'd be talking to him too. I'd be yabbing away. I'd be like, an airport on a street? That is crazy. Would you like a hot orange? They've been leaning against the milk, so the heat's transferred.

I thought that would cool down the oranges. I mean, the milk, but no such luck. It's all hot now. Who else? There's a criminal that's on the bus. That doesn't become apparent until there's a police officer also on the bus. He's coming. Call me

excited. You got Sandra Bullock, who is... I can't remember what she's on the bus for. Well, we as passengers of the bus wouldn't know. We just think it's a regular bus. Maybe I say that to the lady next to me. I'm like, hey, it's nice to be on a regular bus.

Yeah. Don't you agree? Yeah. Old woman, but I don't call her that because that's rude. That is. I call her grandma, you know? So what happens? Talk us through it.

So Keanu Reeves figures out which bus the bomb is on, but it's just as the bus is going on a freeway. Big mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 miles an hour, you're going to hit that on a freeway. Okay. Big mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 miles an hour. You're going to hit that on a freeway. Oh, damn. So he pulls up alongside.

First of all, he tries to get on the bus, I think. And then he misses the bus. Do we notice him trying to get on the bus? Yeah. Am I tapping on the bus driver's shoulder like, sir, that's Keanu fucking Reeves. Let him on the bus. Well, I mean, okay. So I think the bus driver just kind of treats him like he's crazy

because he's yelling about the bus and the guy's like, Do we recognize him as famous actor Keanu Reeves? Would you like to recognize him as famous actor Keanu Reeves? I know what Keanu Reeves looks like. Well, in this situation, he is a policeman. Yeah, but. He's not wearing a hat. He looks like Keanu Reeves.

Okay, talk me through what Keanu Reeves looks like. He's white, long face, sad eyes. Okay, so this is 94, so probably wrong. He doesn't have sad eyes. Happy eyes, tight face. What's his hair

situation like? Messy and black. Wrong! Crew cut. You're not recognizing Keanu Reeves. Who the hell is that? Does Keanu Reeves exist in this universe? Well, that's just going to dictate some things. Probably. No, it wouldn't.

It'd be like a Last Action Hero type situation where any of the roles that Arnie would have gotten, Stallone got. Okay, so any of the roles. Arnie would have gotten, Stallone got. So who's in point break in this situation? I'm guessing Alex Winter. He would have been great in that. Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel

with the greatest of ease. Perfect. Perfect. Put his arm. Wild stallions. Awesome. Okay, great. That's good to know.

Man, the Matrix. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I'm not Kung Fu. Wow. Does the eye pop exceed from Total Recall. Yeah. Obviously he's still getting the same roles that he previously had, he just got worn. A far more prolific actor in this timeline.

Yes, to John Wick, everyone's like, oh, I guess he's just doing the stuff he used to do. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. He loves that dog, that's good. How nice. All right, great. So some stranger tries to makes sense. He loves that dog. That's good. How nice. All right, great. So some stranger tries to get on the bus. Doesn't get on the bus.

Fails. Then steals a car, drives alongside the bus, tries to get the bus driver to a note, gets him to open the door by saying, like, I'm police. He's doing this whilst in a car, going fast. We can't call the police, can we? Because it's 1997. Well, I got my phones in the car. Yeah, but do we even have mobile phones?

Oh, probably not. No, not in 94. It's 94. Damn. I mean, even if we were the age we are now, but in 94, which presumably we are, I didn't get a phone until like the mid 2000s. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, neither. Neither, neither, neither, neither. Phones used to be expensive. That's very true. That's very true. And also, if people had mobile phones, neither. Phones used to be expensive. That's very true. And also if people had mobile phones, they would have just used them in speed. Yeah. I mean, in the 80s, you had those big chunky mobile phones.

Yeah. But they were like attached to cars, weren't they? No, you could have a loose one. A loosey? You could have a loosey goosey, dude. But none of us obviously would. No, we're not businessmen. My phone is in my car.

And that's in the shop. Your car is in my car. And that's in the shop. Your car is in the shop. And the shop is in 2021. I don't know what's going on. In 2021, you left the car dealership, whatever, dealership. And I'm like, man, I'm in 1994. You were like, I'll catch a bus home. You stepped onto the bus from Speed, 1994.

But me and Dusha are from 1994 yeah yeah yeah just just trying to get the basics just laying the groundwork okay so then keanu reeves goes to give and this is probably the first so like this is crazy to us because we're looking out the window and there's a crazy man in a car oh man's a cop yeah and then it's a badge oh man's a cop yeah like what is going on here and then the piece of paper that keanu reeves tries to hand the bus driver gets picked up by the wind and somehow slams onto the windshield of the bus and it says there's a bomb on the bus okay good we see that the first time keanu reeves this stranger sorry tries to get on the bus i'm gonna try and open the back window of the bus to alert

people to the danger we're in by pushing my hot milk out onto the road. Okay. To alert the car behind us as the hot milk splashes on the windshield. They're like, something's amiss in that bus. That's my thought process. And also, this is good. We got rid of the hot milk. The bus smells less.

It was stinking up the place. Now it just smells like hot oranges, which is nice. Yes. Okay. Do we think that would change the events of speed? Hot milk in the car behind us. Well, is this,

is that Keanu Reeves? Keanu Reeves immediately crashes in the bus. Just as that car smashes off the highway. Oh, he was trying to help. He was next to us. So not behind us. But if you go before it's on the,

well, at the moment he, he, I know. Cause you're go before it's on the fruit. Well, at the moment, he... I know, because you're trying to drop the milk to alert people that there's a man chasing us in a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you're not dropping the hot milk on Keanu. Okay, that's probably for the best. Let's admit.

But you may cause an accident behind you, which may cause the boss to break. Exploding the bar. All right, timeline one. Boys blew up. I hot milked it. Okay. You need to, because you've interrupted in the crucial

moment of time between the bus ticking over to 50 miles an hour, but then also the driver not being aware that that isn't there. You've thrown the milk out. It's splattered all over the car behind us. They've freaked out, spun the wheel.

They've slammed through the car. The bus driver's seen that. He's slamming the brakes. Boom, it's come up. All three of us see that vision in our eyes as it shrinks down. You're about to pour the milk out the back. We're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, hold on.

Wait. This is a bit like Final Destination and Groundhog Day 2 now. Groundhog Day 2. Oh, shit, it's happening again. It's Groundhog Day 2. Okay. So I'm like, okay.

All right, let's not do that. So we still got hot milk. Okay, great. We still got hot milk in our inventory. Okay, so. Fabulous. In that period of time, so yeah, find out that the bus has to go 50.

Then there is a period of time where my... Your memory of speed escapes. It's a little hazy. Okay. Keanu Reeves has to get on the bus. Keanu Reeves jumps on the bus because he's a cop. Now this freaks out a certain somebody in the bus who's a criminal.

In the ensuing struggle... Shoots the ensuing struggle, shoots the bus driver. Okay. Which plumbing boy knows how to drive a bus the best? I'll raise my hand. Okay. So, Sandra Bullock goes to stand up. And Joel Zabnett, the hero he is, is like, no, no. I've driven a bus.

Has Sandra Bullock in this point driven a bus? No. So, I mean, you're not even really doing any. You're not stopping any hero moments. Everyone would be like, oh, I'm a a bus. Has Sandra Bullock in this point driven a bus? No. So, I mean, you're not even really doing any, you're not stopping any hero moments. Everyone will be like, oh, I'm a bus driver. I'm like, thank fuck. I've driven, not this big. Not going to lie.

It's good to say that as you're pulling the bus driver's body out. Not this big. Not really actually like a bus bus. But if you're in a big truck. Everyone's like, oh. 12, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you're in a big truck, it's like, oh. You're like 12, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So me?

No, I don't have a bus license. Now, what kind of bus? Are you hesitating for this long? Because. Oh, no, I'm just. This is. You're still talking while you're taking it. Yeah, yeah.

I'll be like, well, as soon as the bus driver. Does this be like, does anyone know how to drive a bus? Or how does Sandra Bullock Because I don't want to take her hero moment Now I feel like a bit of a piece of shit Well, because she doesn't really want to I think he just gets her to drive Because she's just the closest one

Because he goes to handcuff the guy that shot Okay, that makes sense I mean, well, not really, priorities Yeah, I know, there's more going on But that's fine No, but I mean, well, not really. Priorities. Yeah, I know. There's more going on. Okay. But that's fine. No, but I mean, there's a guy in the bus with a gun.

Yeah, look there. Is the bus a manual or an automatic? It would be a manual. Just to get everything on the table. Can you drive a manual bus? I reckon I could give it a bill. Well, the good news is- I could give it a bill. All right, we all see that in our minds.

No way. Okay, so that happens. And then it just goes back to, I'm like, you can give it a bell. It's already in the top gear. We're on a freeway. Oh, yeah. I shouldn't have tried to change gears.

Maybe I can go quicker. I don't know. So we explode when Simon hesitates and tries to press the clutch, which drops the speed down. But then in the third version, Sandra Bullock, he's like, you drive the bus.

She's like, ah, and then you can be like, Hey, I'm, I've driven a bus before. Not one this big. Yeah,

but I've driven a bus. Yeah. You've had a bus under your control. Cause I feel like that, like, yeah, obviously if you're just putting up your hand and being like excuse me I'll drive the bus out of the way

Sandra yeah that's bad but if you're like I have like I've driven a bus before I have a bit of experience yeah yeah that could be good yeah so then your Keanu Reeves and you were standing at the front of the bus BFFs oh my god yeah he's directing you

yeah you directed to drive around on the freeway but unfortunately the police fuck it up and they direct you have to get off a freeway because you hit traffic oh okay okay now my confidence yeah yeah so now you've got to take an exit on a freeway at 50 miles an hour in a bus that That's sick. Okay. That's cool as hell. Oh, hell yeah. That's a big fan of that. So there's a complete traffic jam. I can't go along the sides. No, you have to take the action.

Okay. It's banked up or you plough into cars. Do the cops know? If I plough into cars, I go below 50. Yeah, you probably would. It's not a tank. It is a bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. And also, not only would you- Okay, fourth attempt. We'll see that. We're like, no, I'll take the- Why did you think that would work? Wow, you killed so many people. So do the cops know the situation?

Do they know the 50 miles rule that we're abiding by? Yes. There, at this point in time, Jeff Daniels is off trying to figure out who the bomber is. Well, what about the cops around us? Can I be trying to communicate to them with oranges? I don't know how yet, but I'm trying to figure it out. Yeah, you could.

Like maybe writing stuff on the oranges. With what? Like a con air situation. With milk? I'm like, Jack, what are you trying to do? I carve what I need to write into the orange with my thumbnail, and then I pour milk on it. Because it'll rot the orange in the lettuce.

Just up the back of the bus like a scientist. Someone spews up the smell. I just heard the milk's hot. But that makes it thick, so... You pointed at me like I was going to be like, yes, of course! Yes? Well, I think it'll stay in the orange grooves better.

Anyway, you let me figure this out. You saved the day. Okay. Okay. So you take the exit. Okay. You then immediately careen into a pram. Oh, no.

At this moment in time, how do you react? That was probably a big dog, I say. Keanu Reeves says, cans. It was just cans. How does he know? He looks in the rearview mirror. Sure it wasn't a big dog, Keanu? Why are you happy?

Keanu, I need to have killed a big dog, not cans. Now, if I'm doing that and he says, cans, yes, just cans, I'm like, he's lying to me because he doesn't want me to know that I killed a baby. He's laughing though and he's relieved because he also thinks you briefly killed a baby. Okay. Alright then, if he's laughing, maybe he's a sociopath

and he just laughed at a dead baby. The moment you see the pram, I'm running up to you and I'm being like, don't slow down. Run the baby over. Because I think I think that I think someone will have to.

Because I reckon you're instinctively hitting that and breaking. I'll be pouring my thick milk onto the orange. I'll glance up briefly, see the pram and be like, no. The wrong way. Just showering everyone. Down the middle of the bus. Like a fucking ninja in the air. You've got to kill that baby.

It was just cans. Who cares? Either way, Keanu, back to my milk. I'm still in slow motion for some reason it's a long slow motion I'm trying to write with milk

it's hot so it's thick you know what I mean no write to woo Do you know what I mean? No. Right. What do you mean, Cairns? It's a very confusing slow-mo scene for everyone,

including the audience. Okay. So, all right. So with Jackson's help, we ploughowed through that pram full of cans. You're welcome. Also, so your focus... The bus driver is still on the bus bleeding to death. Oh, God, he didn't die. Yeah, he didn't die.

I like to imagine every time I've run down the bus, I've jumped on his chest. Yeah, because he kind of gets shot through, like, the shoulder. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. So at this point, you get directed onto, so you have to follow instructions driving through a city.

Oh, I can do that. That's easy. 50 miles an hour on a bus. I reckon I can do that. Who's the instructions from? The police. Okay. Not Keanu?

Well, I think it's Keanu. Through like his little... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I got enough confidence and faith in myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get onto

an empty freeway. Oh, this is the best news. The empty freeway. Have we not done anything with the bus driver yet? No, so that happens now. Okay. I like to imagine the whole time, Dusha, you're just like leaning up against the window

with your Walkman and listening to Eminem's song. It was just off in the music, the moment you own it. Oh, it was just Cairns, cool. What's going on? Are we nearly there? You're going to a cypher. You're not going to the music. You get a gig tonight.

In the 90s, in 94, you're a rapper. Oh, yeah, cool. You are Eminem. You're actually living eight mile while this is happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a message, Kim. I'm sorry. I might be home late.

My boss is full of bombs and you can't relate. You're not going to do great to Nick. I'm letting you know. Yeah. This boss being full of bombs is really throwing me. Throwing up your flow, man. Now we get onto the empty freeway. Okay.

Things are okay for a bit I'm assuming a lot of this stuff Do they ever hit like So they're going above 50 for a lot of this I'm going to slow down a little bit So we're just slightly above 50 Well that's kind of the speed they go Most of the film

I just feel like going a little bit more Is a bit reckless We need to do this The police roll up and there's communication with the terrorist they go most of the film. I just feel like going a little bit more is reckless. Yeah, it's crazy. We need to do this. The police roll up and there's communication with the terrorist or bad. There's communication with the bad guy who's got the bomb. Dennis Hopper?

Yeah. Dennis Hopper. There's communication with Dennis Hopper. They say we can let one person off the bus. And he's like, I'm watching you. So if anyone is more than one person off the bus. How's he watching us? Aha.

Aha. Thinking man, thinking man.com. I'll be driving like, how's he watching us? You look up and you see that there's a hundred helicopters following the bus. How's he watching us? Never mind.

Because in America, they broadcast. They do. Okay. I volunteer. OJ Simpson. OJ, yeah,

yeah, yeah. I volunteer to be the man let off the bus. No, no, no. The guy being shot gets let off the bus. Oh, what?

He's already been shot. I'm healthy. This guy, 10 years left. Quality of life, dog shit. This guy, heaps of oranges, half a thing of hot milk. I've got some great news for you. Well, it's my oyster. Because during this period of time,

police pull a truck up next to it. Keanu helps the bus driver off. Bus driver gets off. Yeah. And they were like, okay, just one person for now. And then the bridge is still there for a second. And a lady tries to jump across. But in this situation, it sounds like you want to try that.

I push the lady out of the way. Bags full of oranges and hot milk and try and make the jump across. Okay. So is it only the bus exploded that causes a reset because basically what happens here to the lady yeah is that the even though that they have shooed away the helicopters yeah dennis hopper still knows and he blows up the ramp and the lady falls under the bus and dies immediately. Okay. I guess I, seeing that the lady should have died instead. Back to just being about to jump in front of her and I'm like, after you.

We all see that, the three of us, you know, I. Madam, please, ladies first. Oh, no, she went under the bus. Better her than me. Stop peeling an orange. I still have at least 10 to 12 years left.

Okay, well, then he saw her. Yeah. So now do we all figure it out? Or is it just we have to wait for old mate Keanu to figure it out? We've got to wait for old mate Keanu. I might be like, how do you see? How do you know? Keanu.

How the hell can he see where we are? How can he see us? I know I may be using knowledge of the film right now, but I feel in that situation. Or then again, I am just focused on driving the bus. I might be stressing out and not thinking. But maybe you, JD, listening to the sweet flow of Eminem in your brain.

Yeah, I guess there's a tape that you've recorded at home that you're re-listening to. Because I feel so empty without me. And then I lean over the back of your chair and I'm like, wouldn't it have been better if that guy up the front had been in Bill and Ted and not Arnie? I thought Arnie was a weird choice, but that guy would have been great.

Orange? You're in there being accosted by an orange and you might have been like, oh, hang on. How did that person know? So there's two things that happen in speed that I honestly cannot remember what causes them. One is something punctures the fuel tank.

And also Keanu goes under the bus at one point to try and disarm the bomb. But I can't remember why he does that. Well, at a certain point, you're like, let's try it, I guess. The fuel tank starts leaking. Unless him going under the bus results in... Isn't it when we do the jump?

Does it get... Oh, the explosion. Does it get damaged by going over the big jump in the bus? That part's coming up. That's coming up soon. Maybe that's what damages the fuel tank. Because I'm pretty sure after that is when I'll make those under the bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. On a sled from memory. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. On a sled from memory. Yeah. Yeah. So we'll go from there. Yeah. So. Which is that.

So the next thing that happens is, oh, that empty freeway we're on? Yeah. We thought it was sick. Oh, no, it's actually incomplete. Uh-oh. Okay. Well, first off, Keanu is getting an earful from me about the uselessness of the fucking cops right about now.

So you're telling me we had to get off a completed freeway. I'm sorry. Because you guys so fucked it up and now we're back to back traffic. I can't be expected. I had to go over there. Maybe kill a baby. It's not every freeway. I was forced to kill a baby.

It was just Cairns. I know. It was just Cairns. But no one thought it was just Cairns. I don't know. And now you're like, don't worry. It's not my fault. we've here, we've got this incomplete freeway, it's great, and you're telling

me that there is literally incomplete and there's no... Who the fuck thought about this? Who thought this through? I'd flick him in the forehead a bit. Why don't you think, Keanu? Jackson just cast Keanu Reeves in 21 Jump Street

just then, just off to the side accidentally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Johnny Depp's also just a guy. Arnold took his roles too. Arnold's a very prolific actor. Yeah, he's done a lot. Great actor of our time. So, yes, what is your plan now?

Well, I guess as I'm more furious at the cops, I'm probably speeding a lot more now. Okay. Makes the jump easier to do, I must assume. I think. Yeah. I'm pretty sure what happens, and look, I know I just did say I just recently watched a film,

and I did. Yeah, yeah. But look, sometimes remembering beat for beat is hard. Yeah. So basically what's coming up now, and I can't remember if passengers do get off the bus at one point, or the bus is still going but that's a bit later

yeah I don't think that's now I think we're doing this with the passengers oh yeah yeah okay jumps time? is it jump time? we're gonna jump over a gap

in the frame with the bus I don't now remind me is old mate Bullock is she a bit scared about this? yeah is she like

I don't know if I can do this? I think what happens is basically what Jackson just did but for hitting the lady with the pram except Keanu does it with the jump and he puts his foot down on the accelerator

Keanu wouldn't need to do that because at this point I'd be furious and be like what's the plan we jump on the bridge and I would just slam it down and be like this is fucking great and then that's what I'd be doing I think we make the job yeah and being like, this is fucking great. And then that's what I'd be doing. I would have had enough. I think we make the jump though.

Yeah. Easy. Make the jump. Well, I mean, in real life when they did it. In real life, yes. No, no, no, no. Really, like in real life when they did it, they missed, they almost,

that's why the framing's so weird because the bus jumped way better than they expected it to. That rules. Oh, really? Yeah. It was like, it completely cleared it. You're like, oh. Oh.

Awesome. All right. Well, then, yeah, a breeze. We clear that. Are you shaking up about the fact you just did a sick jump in a bus? No, you're white hot with rage. White hot with rage. And I'm like, are there any more gaps, Keanu?

I don't know. It was just air. Yeah. It was just air. I'm calming now, but I'm like, what other surprises have you installed for me? We've damaged the bus. All right, all right. It's me, Keanu Reeves. Okay, I guess.

Okay, we're doing the Beatles now. This is good. The Beatles. All right, okay. Yes, the Beatles. This is good. The Beatles. All right, okay. Yes, the Beatles. Me, the Beatles. Yeah. I'm not quite sure which one.

Definitely one of them. He's all of them. They're on the bus too. He's all the Beatles and Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Beatles. Weren't you a guy in a one-man band back in the... You look familiar. I think you're the Beatles. Common misconception. So he's

going to go under the bus. He's going to go under the bus and I think that's when the fuel tank gets fuckled. Because I think maybe a gun goes off or he fucks it or he's like doing something and he punctures the fuel tank. I give him an orange to plug up the hole with. Misunderstanding how small the hole will be.

The sled disconnects and he... Yeah. It goes rolling away. As he's about to get run over by the boss, he stabs a knife in, I think, to try and grab onto the boss. I think he stabs the fuel tank. Oh, okay. To save his own life.

It's something like that. Okay. Can I change that in any way, shape, or form? Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess. You can alter events, but by what? Yeah, like how? As a driver of the bus, am I in any control here,

or is it just Keanu's fuckery that makes him stab the fuel? Is that something we have to now deal with? I think that's going to have to be something you can deal with, unless you can somehow control that the sled doesn't, because the sled gets stuck or like comes away from him. And as he's about to fall onto the road and die, he grabs onto the bottom of the bus. And I think that that is what causes the fuel tank to leak.

Well, he's trying to disarm the bomb because he's getting, he needs to check the bomb because that gives you vital information about who the bomber is. Yeah. All right. Okay. And now a quick word from our sponsors.

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Acast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Don't you just love cross-promotion? Well, I think he can do that. I think there's no getting around it. Yeah. It's punctured. Dang. Okay.

What do we got on the bus that we can fill the hole with? Oranges and hot milk. Oranges and hot milk. The hot milk by this point is hot. It just keeps getting hotter. It's very thick. It's hot. It's thick getting hotter. It's very thick. It's thick. It's almost glue-like. Can I reach out

the window of the bus or the door underneath, hand him the hot milk? Maybe as I hand it to him it hits the road beneath us and just grinds away the bottom and the milk just goes oh, nevermind.

And they'll just come back up. Yeah. Well, bad news. He can't use the hot milk. Good news. The hot milk is gone. All right. Well, that's good news.

Okay. Yeah. Now have anyone. Oh, wait, we have to help. We have to help him back into the boss. Okay. Well, I can't. And I bags not.

So I guess I have to. You and Sandy the bus. Well, I can't. And I bags not. So I guess I have to. You and Sandy are there. I guess, yeah, Sandra Bullock is not stuck driving the bus now. Yeah, that's true. She can help out. It's good to imagine the whole time you're helping him in, you're still just like, losing. You're not really here.

You're somewhere else. Shake that ass of me. He's going to shake that ass of me. I had a weird Bank of M&M's song in my head to go to. That's weird. It's good every time it happens. It's a new one. I love that.

I'm excited by that. Yeah, so I guess we help him up and everything's okay. All right, great. What's next? Fuel's running low. We need to sort this bomb out. Okay. Well, have you piped up yet about how I think he's watching us yet?

I don't know. I don't know what would cause it except for the fact that they blew up the thing when they're trying to escape. Yeah. Lady got blown up and we're like, dang, he must have known. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, I guess at this point, I'm like, hey, is that a camera? Oh my God. I think from memory, that's kind of what Keanu does. Like, wait a bloody minute.

That's a bloody camera up there, isn't it? Stone the flaming crows. That's a camera. That's a camera. up there, isn't it? Stone the flaming crows. That's a camera. That's a camera. Flaming heck. Yeah. All right.

So we just smashed the camera, right? No. They cause a video loop with the news team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which then results in them just driving the bus and everyone sitting still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except one person sneezes. No, no.

It's her handbag. She puts her handbag down. That's right. Oh no. Now who here in this very room is a fidgety boy? Well Jackson's going to be drinking hot milk and spitting the hot milk out.

That's the noise I'm making because it's quite painful to drink. So immediately Dennis Hopper knows that, presses the button, explodes. Like, all right, we're going to need something else. Take the hot milk off, Jack. Takes five. Or six, from memory.

Take five, think about it. Let's figure out what to do. Is there a storage compartment on the bus you could put me in so I'm not a problem? Why don't we just make you lie down? Strap me somewhere on the bus. Before we start looping the footage, we'd be like, lie down. And you'd be like, why?

Shut up, lie down. Pretend you're going to sleep. And then we'll be like, alright, now loop the footage. Don't move. And then just legs. Legs kicking. Boom. Alright, take seven.

I will shoot you in the head with Keanu Reeves' gun I understand Take seven Fuck it all All three of us have this beautiful image Keanu and everyone else around us kind of like, what's going on guys? Maybe the three of you

sit on me? Me, Joel Joel someone's driving oh shit you turn around and you're just like Jackson I swear to okay this is what I imagine is going to happen you'll be like alright I've got it

and then you're like oh just sit up it's fine I can get still I'll look out the window. Headphones on. So take 10? Yeah. I feel like a giant montage of this until we finally get one take where he's just still. Well, can you access the place in the bus where you store? We put a sheet over it. You take one of my plastic bags that had the oranges in it. You put one of my plastic bags that had the oranges in it, you put it around

my face, I suffer. I'm unconscious. Finally! Not a problem if I'm unconscious. Dennis Hopper's been like, they killed that man. That's weird. Keanu Reeves is like, I'm a cop, what are you doing? I can't be a witness to this.

Keanu Reeves shoots us. Can you access the point in the bus? You know, we use store luggage underneath the bus. The trick here is underneath. Yeah, but isn't there like a compartment you can put me in that some buses have? Talk me through what you actually think you're asking for here. The compartments where the doors are at the bottom of the bus

but open on the outside, right? There is, I think, an access panel. Yeah, in the bus, isn't there an access panel to get in there? Because that's how Keanu and Sandy escape anyway, but I think that goes to the road. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's not into the... Ah, okay.

Also, it's a passenger bus, not a coach. Oh, no, that's fair. You'd be like, just put me in the storage when I go game drop. Right. Well, that fixed that problem. Oh, we're back here again. I'm sorry, guys. I'm trying.

Is there storage above on the roof? You go over. Yeah. What if the camera's facing down the middle of the bus, right? Yeah. What if I just stand in the blind spot in the windscreen? No, no, no. So when you fidget, you're closer to the camera?

Yeah. This is a hassle. This is a real conundrum. Surely at a certain point, Keanu Reeves would just put a bullet in me. Well, he doesn't experience any of this. Yeah, that's true. He doesn't know. He doesn't know.

He's just seeing us two getting more and more furious at you. Well, okay. If you don't kill me, you just knock me out. Keanu's probably not going to kill you. And so I imagine from his perspective, you two are just staring at me getting redder and redder and angrier and angrier. Xamarin's driving the bus.

He's looking at the road. I'm looking in the rear view mirror. He's looking in the rear view. Yeah, being like. And then slowly you get angrier and angrier. And Keanu doesn't know why. And I'm just standing there slapped. And then you just punch me in the face.

Back of the head. Onto the floor. I king hit you. How about this? I figured it out! Douche-a, king hit him, Jackson, cop it and lie down! The cop what? And boom!

Oh, my head! I gotta do it a couple of times. Just start wriggling on the floor. BAM! Why won't he go down? This part's tougher for some reason. What if I just put a jacket over you? Yeah, that's a good idea.

I take off my jacket, just drape it over him. Well, that'll do. How long do we need, Keanu? What, 10 minutes or something? No. It's literally like a three-second loop. Three-second loop? That's so long.

Oh, my God. But how long are we looping it for? Yeah. Well, forever, basically. Yeah, okay. Well, either King hit me to unconsciousness. Let's say King hit me to unconsciousness. What if I just choked you out?

Yeah, choke me out. And I just sit there on the bus, and Dennis Hopper's just like, oh, he must be asleep. You've got to choke him out in a way that Dennis Hopper doesn't realize something's going on, and he just blows it up because we're being weird.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. So you sit next to Jack and just- Because Dennis Hopper, that's one thing, though. It's not like a success-failure. Dennis Hopper wants to blow up the bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any excuse will do.

You've just got to be like Jackson that's so sad, we're all going to die on this bus, come in for a hug, and then as part of the hug you choke me out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to make it look like you are consoling him and choke the piece of shit out. And then you're like, I don't. What are you doing?

You're like, trust me, this is the only way. And then when I'm unconscious. You've been through this 50 fucking times. Yeah, I've lived a lifetime trying to get this man to stop wriggling. And then when I'm unconscious, you say out loud, oh, he must have fallen asleep from grief and then you put me in a chair and we're fine.

But I'm unconscious, which is good. I don't have to experience any of it. So we're still for three seconds? Yeah, we get the loop. The lady still puts her hair back down so even after all of that That's fine. He doesn't notice it straight away He doesn't notice it straight away

As opposed to a man just flailing about Flapping his gums Dunkachino But halfway through Dunkachino it would loop Dunk up Dunk up Dunk up Immediately he notices like boom

I'm gonna explode it I wish I could explode that one guy Just like one bomb under your chair in my bag of oranges so now we have a problem of getting us all out of the bus yeah as well as an unconscious idiot yeah well i guess he's just stuck on the bus and if it blows up with him oh yeah boat. Oh, yeah. When we inevitably crash it into that plane, which is how this ends. Yeah. Which is crazy, by the way.

Yeah, what an ending. We then get directed to go to the airport. Okay. Because the runway has unlimited space to just drive in circles. But we're leaking fuel. Do we know that it's Dennis Hopper watching us and that's what blows us up? Or is it definitely that if we do go under 50, it'll blow up? It's both.

Okay. So it is both? It's definitely both. I'd be like, he's not watching. He's like, he's not watching. We can just break. Never mind, Keanu. Never mind, Keanu.

Off we go. Oh, I see. Yeah, because in the movie, when it hits 50, it shows the bomb tick from like a red light to a green light. Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool.

It's nice to have. We had to figure it out. We had to very much be like, yeah, it's easy, whatever. We can break on the freeway. It's. Yeah. So how do we get more fuel? We asked the police to bring us more fuel,

but then they can't. Okay. Once again, I'll get in a tirade about the cops. Speeding up, wasting more fuel as you get angrier and angrier. Because basically from there, that's where we realized that we,

that's where we loop the footage and get all the people off the bus. Okay. Because the fuel people can't fill up the bus, I don't think. They try to and can't, I don't know. But then we give the passengers to the police and we get them off. All right. So you throw everyone off the bus except you, Eminem, Zamit, and you, unconscious.

And Keanu, I assume. Why did you throw me off the bus? Okay, we throw you off the bus. We miss. You die. We're back on the bus. It's 50 miles, yeah? Yeah. All right, so that's 80k. bus. Okay, we threw you off the bus. We missed. You die. We're back on the bus. It's 50 miles, yeah? Yeah. Alright, so that's 80k. Yes. Okay.

That's quick. That is quick. Can a man survive being flying out of 80k? No. I knew that. Alright, back again. He just wanted the satisfaction of watching me get red pasted.

Finally, that was good for me. I felt sad. I might do that again. Stop it. I'm awake again. I'm going to wake you up by being pasted six times. I've been having terrible dreams. My good friends threw me out of a speeding bus onto the freeway.

That wouldn't really happen, right? Yes. We'd do it again. Oh. Oh. I wish I was unconscious again. Dreaming. I'm having the most wonderful dream.

Had oranges and hot milk? That's great. Is your nan still sick in this? Yeah, she's probably dead. He needed the oranges and hot milk, dude, really bad. All right, so we get everyone offloaded onto, is it like an airport bus or something like that? No, it's pretty much exactly the same thing that we threw the first.

Okay, more like a flatbed-y thing. Yeah, okay. All right. So it's just the four of us left? Yeah. Five of us, so it'll be pretty easy to the four of us left yeah yeah five of us that'd be pretty easy to do but then there's a five of us but we used to again i don't we just go through the escape hatch yeah this is the easy part now yeah we're in the clear out of the woods

yeah really it needs to be like basically everyone chuffs off except for maybe me and kianu yeah because in the escape hatch thing they use the escape hatch as like a sled. Yeah. That can't fit four of us. No, there was only two people in that. That's what I mean. So you two can go on. You just need me. All right. But Keanu, you can go as well.

Keanu, you stay. You stick around, baby. Come on, Eminem. Let's get out of here. So then we leave. Yeah. Then I guess we're just on the flatbed. Yeah.

And then me and old mate getting hugging close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just skid out. What about Sandra Bullock? I mean, she went out with you guys. She hasn't really. Isn't there only room for two people on the thing? Yeah, but no, no, no.

So not us. So the ending of Speed, when they get to the airport and they realize that they're not watching and they go to the bus, they break off the escape hatch and they sit on it. So at that point everyone else off the bus is off the bus. So we escaped with the rest of the people. Okay, I see. And Sandy's with you guys. Me and teen heartthrob Keanu Reeves.

You can ask Alan Rock any questions you've got for him. No, I'm good. Was it weird being 29 and playing a teenager in Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Are you really a teenager? Was it really his day off? I remember he came out a couple of years prior to this, but in this

you're playing what seems to be a 35-year-old man. How old are you really? Hmm. Would you like an orange? I dropped all my hot milk. It's really sad. I'm really caught up. My grandma, who is dead, she loved hot milk and oranges. I was making an old family recipe.

It was hot milk and oranges. It's not really much of a recipe. I was raised wrong. Sorry, are you talking to me? I might have been. You enjoying your time in LA or wherever we are? You made a quip earlier about when we were going to the airport that you'd already seen the airport.

Yeah. Did you know that that's Eminem right there? Okay, so me and Keanu, we go onto the escape hatch. We see the- Boss explode. Boss explode. Okay, now, quick question. We go onto the escape hatch. We see the boss explode. Okay. Now, quick question.

Do I get kidnapped by Dennis Hopper? Do you think you were helpful enough that Keanu Reeves involves you in this plan? I think no, because you keep yelling about the police. I do. But again, I don't think it's not Keanu Reeves' choice. It's Dennis Hopper who kidnaps me. Isn't he a policeman or something? Yeah.

So yeah, Dennis Hopper is a former policeman, but Sandra Bullock only gets kidnapped because she is like, we're in this together now, Keanu. Okay. You don't do that. No.

So I guess. You're like, we are not in this together. Dennis Hopper has no one to kidnap, I guess. Yeah. They put the money in this together. Dennis Hopper has no one to kidnap, I guess. Yeah. They put the money in the thing. Yes.

It's a post box, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And because the thing is, it's meant to be like, what is? It's fake money. Yeah. So I guess. Well, I guess for us at this point.

Dennis Hopper at that point thinks the bus is still going and he takes the money not to blow up the bus. But at this point. The bus is already blown up. At this point for us us it doesn't matter. Speed's over for the three of us. We reconvene. At this point everyone's

probably like, you pretty much just did speed except you had to do 20 trials where you exploded. But I will say, we actually prevent the ending of the movie happening which results in a train crashing through the road. Yeah, that's true. That's a lot of damage to the city of... Now I'm thinking it might be New York.

They should erect a statue of the three of us. Not Keanu Reeves, a nobody. Us three and Arnold Schwarzenegger, the biggest movie star of all. But unfortunately, just because we're not incorporating the train scene, Dennis Hopper doesn't get killed and is off to put more bombs on buses.

But they know who he is. That's true. And his money's fake. So when he opens the money, it just sprays him with blue bomb. Gotcha, Dennis Hopper. Because that's the thing that causes him to be like, I'm going to kill you with a train.

So that's, I mean, that happens. I guess. But it doesn't matter. Because Keanu Reeves wouldn't be there because he's not trying to save Sandra Bullock because she never got kidnapped. No one got kidnapped except fake money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess like maybe more bombs do get put on things. Does the reason he kidnaps Sandy is because like he saw them canoodling?

Yeah. Or is it because, well, why can't me and Keanu be canoodling, JD? Well, no, because you're yelling about the police. Yeah! I mean, the concept of the police, not at Keanu himself. But Keanu, like, him and Sandra Bullock kind of have a moment, meaning that, like... Where's my boat?

But, I just think if you're yelling about how much you hate the police, he's not going to ask you to then help the police. I think we spend the rest of our days being like well i'm never catching a boss again oh yeah i'm gonna start catching cruise ships you return to 2021 you attend your cypher that night you blow them all away with something new and my grandma's dead we're all winners and on that note, I've been Joel I've been Jackson

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