Podcast About List - 🍺 Beers We Drank #4: Homerfied

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

To listen to Beers We Drank, the official podcast of drinking beers with Caleb, Jubio & Rex, subscribe to patreon.com/PodcastAboutList In today's extra offering, we're showcasing our newest show: Beers We Drank with Caleb, Jubio & Rex, which you can listen to exclusively on our $5 Patreon feed. There's multiple episodes already available and release new episodes every Friday, so don't miss out! Cheers 🍻

All right. Now, Rex, do us a little clap. Perfect. I couldn't hear that. That's okay. That's good. Stop, that's not always. It's okay. We'll keep clapping as much as you want. All right. Okay, there we go. Enough. Okay, to start of the episode, I want to show you guys something.

I need to hear this. Over the weekend, Pat made this, which is a, it's going to be our new theme song. It's a potential theme song, by the way. Because I've heard Pat's music. and I suffice it to say I'm not a fan. So, I want to hear this before I give the O kick a stamp of approval, right? Okay, let's hear it. Okay, I like it so far.

You're listening to beers we drank, America's number one beer podcast. Okay. What's up all my chuggers? I'm trying to get that burp out. This is a Johnny, interesting... It was gonna beers we drank motherfucker with Jubio Caleb and Rex. Beer. Wow, okay.

That's actually really dope. It was a lot better than I thought it was gonna be. You know, I would say that it's tied. It's tied. It's tied? It's tied? number one spot. I was thinking that it would

just be but I guess we can maybe swap them back and forth. The thing that you said we should have done was bullse on parade and I did it once and I thought they were stupid. Why? It's cool.

Yeah, it is cool. Have you ever listened to the avalanches? Did you ever listen? This is a music thing. That's what it reminded me of. yeah I don't listen to music anyways I also wanted to start off by showing you guys that I

that I know the Rex is usually one but by this crazy weird beer that is true but today I went to the grocery store I went to the Walmart Express that's what it's called and it bought a little bit a little thing called a duff beer a censor a censor from the Simpsons

what the fuck is that real it's a real beer that you can buy Mexico. Oh my god why is it trying to blur it out dude? Because it's copyrighted it is copyrighted. No

copyright infringement intended it's also like a really big can. Yeah that is amazing dude that is so sick. Well pop it open. It says Lager beer hell I don't know what that means I

also got a weird beer I got a beer so weird that it's a soda with no beer in it at all and i would like to explain myself okay the last three nights yeah i've had buddies who have had daddies who are in town right yeah buddies with daddies have been in town okay and so i've had to go out to bars i've had to meet my buddy's daddies i've had to meet my buddies daddies i've had to meet my buds dads yeah and i have been just having too much to drink and it's been making me have diarrhea.

So your butts deaths have that buds? Do they have dad buds? Dad buds. Dad buds. Dad buds. Oh, maybe. I don't know. You'd have to ask Noah's dad if he has, if he likes weed. I think he's a Republican.

But I have decided that we thought we were going to record yesterday the day before. So, and I would have been fine have a beer then. But on this Monday, man, the beginning of the work week. I'm going to have to go with a spreeker low cow cream soda, fire-brewed craft soda. It's made with honey. And I know that that's disappointing to a lot of people out there. And I really would just like to get, this will never happen again, I promise you. Yeah.

Even if I become an insatiable alcoholic, a dangerous alcoholic, the kind of like rolls over their kids' head in the parking lot because they are so drunk, right? And I have to quit alcohol forever. court-mandated. I will drink two beers a week every single week until the day I die. God bless you. Yeah. So, cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. I guess I'll introduce mine as it is also a Monday in the work week. And I, the only one on this podcast that has even something remotely

close to a job, We'll have to continue to work after this. Whoa, come down, buddy. First of all, you have a boss, but you don't have a job. True. The only real people with jobs in this world are business owners. So in that regards, it's really just me. I'm ahead of the rest.

I have to think about everything. All right, I'll accept that. I stream on Twitch every day. So back to what I was saying. I will be drinking a unique beer called a strawberry lemonade rehab monster that looks good actually I'm going to have a rehab monster

that sounds a little crazy this is an incredible soda if anybody lives near a soda store this is a smart pickup let's see this has to have splendia in it or something right It's got honey, and I can taste the honey, guys. It has glucose syrup and saccharin.

What do you guys feel about? That's what's in mine, yeah. About honey. I'm not a big fan of honey. I eat at least one tablespoon of honey every single day. Show me to read the paragraph of ingredients and the monster. No, we get it. It's beer.

Yeah, which we have, so it's got a good... Uh-oh, my mic, my audacity just stopped recording. It's going to be one. one of these guys you're recording on OBS it's fine all right so I'm just I'm just gonna start it and I'm sure you got all your audio inputs in OBS working correctly there's basically no doubt

yep I tested my audio for two seconds I just started recording here so you can figure out if you need to I'm not going to worry about it because I'm too busy relaxing with my friends guys yeah it's the first time

we're recording a podcast shut the hell up shut up shut up guys can we admit that this has been an awful week just a just a long one dude and we earned these beers I had mine on credit a little bit because I had them the last three days and none today

but boy am I sitting here thinking about those beers and just smiling yeah I'm enjoying my death I mean the news the news is out of control everyone is getting fucking oh that damn news everyone's getting fucking cancer

guys let's pull up the news right now just to double check that it's still as crazy as I remember it being CNN.com front page news much of the U.S. could see a huge shift in temperature oh my god really yeah well it's

it's going from winter to spring I would assume so come on you're reading fake news man tries to open plane door stab flight attendant on L.A. Boston flight the world's gotten mad You can stab people on flights now? Apparently.

I don't even know how he was able to get a stabable implement. I know exactly the news story that we should talk about. It's a little something, it's called the opinion column. And here's the opinion. CNN.com opinion column. Chris Rock showed why you never slap a comedian. That'll show you guys. We were thinking of slapping a comedian that, hey, guess what, buddy?

18 months later, they're going to put out a five-minute clip where they call you gay. So you need to chill. Is that what he did? I didn't actually watch the bit. He just goes like, Will Smith, every single person in the world was fucking his wife. His wife's getting fucked by fucking every human. She moved on to animals. She fucked every animal.

She moved on to fucking plants and bugs. and everybody was shitting on him for this everybody's saying you're a bitch you're a bitch you're a bitch you're a bitch and then he slaps me that's what he says he says he slaps me the only guy who can't beat him up

he's a bitch that's what he says wow yeah it's pretty powerful stuff I kind of got a free song when he said it here's something funny she's fucking bugs

I didn't realize you met her on tour how about that yep oh with adam yeah oh yeah oh yeah I really took me a second to think about what that meant yep I was like I thought for a second like does he think I have bugs or rat I keep a bug in my does he think I have a I'm a bug or something no you're not honest I just thought you were calling him a bug

which I thought was really funny There's only one epic guy to call a bug One guy that's so funny to call a bug Well regardless you've already created drama in the show now So you have to go ahead and submit an apology I just got a text on my Apple watch you drop me from the tour I'm gone That's fine, you're already on the show

And you didn't even talk about beers we drank I mean I didn't watch it but I just assume you didn't talk about yeah i didn't i don't i'm really bad at you are anytime i go on anything i'm i'm so bad at plugging i'm too good at being in the moment being an amazing guest on every single show that i do to the point where when people say and when they say what do you have to plug i go ah

and fuck it don't even worry about i don't give a fuck it doesn't matter just google my name see what i'm up to yeah there's yeah google my name and uh you'll find a drummer and then a drummer and then a couple of high school basketball players but underneath all those guys you'll find me and the stuff that i'm doing so go and check that out when beers we drank becomes the number one beer podcast you'll be you'll be above all those guys i will say one day there is two high school basketball players that i am really really hoping never make it to the NBA i'm like praying on their downfall i hope that they and they're pretty good they're pretty

good they have my exact name and if they even become like like bench warmers like fucking into the bench i'm yeah dude i i literally should be like setting up uh like saw traps to like tear their aces and stuff because these kids are are dangerous to me they are pretty talented well right now as it stands if you google cal of pitts uh first one that comes up is at bring get on twitter then a lot of pictures good-looking pictures of yourself and two other guys Oh my God, good-looking, whoa.

Caleb hits White on Instagram, which is not you. And then the third hit is Caleb Pitts Epic S&P Wiki fandom. Then the videos and then your IMDV and then you podcast it

has a really funny profile picture of you looking... Probably not me. If it's funny. Really awesome. I look really, really good looking usually.

yeah you do yeah um but yeah i think as as of today you shouldn't really worry but maybe if they do that's what i'm saying dude if these kids step it up a little bit these kids had you know what here's here's what's nice these kids don't have enough heart to make it to the league you know luckily they uh they just don't have it in them so i think luckily they're not they're not football players because you know then you'd have a real problem because there's so many more players that make the team football and basketball. But maybe they have less of a, most of them probably

have less of an SEO impact because there are so many of them that like, there's definitely football players that like nobody gives a fuck about. Yeah, for sure. Definitely NFL players like kickers. Who gives a shit about it? Nobody's like getting a kicker jersey. They probably don't even print the jerseys. Yeah, name one kicker.

Oh, I got one. That guy whose name is Youngho. uh charlie brown that's all i got yep that's literally and he missed and he's not got to be worst kickers who ever lived but i got to say he's even worse at their job is lucy yeah lucy is uh is that her name or is lucy the other girl no women are the same to me lucy peanuts let me see yep i was right lucy van peltt Yeah. And that's another peanut head-ass, Peckermwood. Almost the entire show is Pecklewood crackers.

Yeah. I hate to say that. It's really unfortunate. But it is true. Charles Schultz, not the... Wouldn't fly today, basically. I'll say that much. Yeah, they could make peanuts today. Yeah. You couldn't.

What was the last cartoon you watched? The last tune I watched? What do you mean by that? Like all the way through, like I watched every episode. Yeah, what could you possibly mean by that, too? That it really is professional podcasting, is always having something to talk about, always having a nice kind of hypothetical question

or like a personal question to spur some conversation. Like, what's the last cartoon you watched? Yeah, what's the last cartoon you watched? I watched Sponchville the other day on, what's that two beat? No, the other one. The free one. You watch Bob Espunia?

yeah how was it it was good it was in Spanish it was the it was the episode where they were making fun of the of sandy cheeks for being Texan and response to it was like everyone from Texas is retarded oh yeah and it was like

that's true did they localize that and they're like everyone from Guadalajara is your fucking moron no they still make fun of Texas which is funny and I never really understood it and people in Mexico know what Texas is right

yeah Yeah, some of us. No, they all know. I mean, we all know. You and you guys know about Texas. You don't know anything about the South. I'm from the South. Of Mexico.

What is even in the South of Mexico? Name one place in the South of Mexico. Better countries like Peru and Brazil are there. Yep. No. Yeah. What? I was, okay.

This is completely stupid and irrelevant. And you guys didn't bring your beers This is technically turned into beer we drank The show is completely broken There's drama abound Rex still has an apologize for calling you a bug Well, I had a really bad weekend And I don't want to ask me about it

Okay, well I'll ask about it in a second But I would like to say Here's what I'm discovering I'm sober Rex is sober And you are drunk And you are rage You are raging

Like I hope to God that you don't have children In your house that you've never told me about because you feel like you're giving like a kind of a belt dad kind of energy off in this call right now. That's not true. Like you may snap a belt on a child's neck. I have a feeling after drinking that beer, he's going to be grabbing them by the throat. Yeah. And saying things like you little.

Yeah, yeah, why I ought to, that kind of thing. No. You're getting completely homerified by your duff beer, and I'd just like for you to admit it out loud, please. I'm not homified at all. You are. I can see, you're turning. yellow you look jaundiced I'm right not even true

from all the beer my entire life you just said it now no I said I've never said dough with my entire life you said though maybe a hundred times you also do you go you have your version of dough which is what you do all the time so you are

oh my god he's Homer wait how is it taking me years to realize that he's Homer how am I at Homer he's 100% of Homer and I didn't realize till he held up a duff beer in front of my face and said look at this beer i bought look at that now i'm like oh yeah he was home for the entire time year it's honestly not that yummy i wish i had a juice i wish i had an apple juice do you wish you had a spreecher low cow

cream soda it's only 40 calories it's sweet with honey i do i don't make it's only 25 calories in this that's crazy does that have any honey in it though um No. I think it has some sort of artificial sweetener. So you're the, I guess you're your monster specialies, right? Which was the best one do you think? This one. I just bought. The rehab ones are the better ones. The rehab strawberry lemonade, it's sweet.

It has no carbonation, so it just goes down. Because the thing about a monster, your body fights you as you try and drink a monster. The carbonation makes you fight back from like drinking good. true this one's not carbonated it's gone before you even know it yeah why does the mango one uh land in like the tierless do you think everyone loves the mango loco i'm not a fan it's you know it's good but it's not it's not it's not a top tier which one is that it's just like a it's just like juice it's like with the juice line actually it's got juice is like yes mango juice and it's pretty yummy yeah it's like it's the one have i've had that i like like

liked enough to buy a couple times. I would put Monster Energy and this is going to hurt some people's feelings. At the very, very, very bottom of my energy drink rankings. I think that there's nothing

worse than a monster energy. I would drink a bang before I drink a monster energy. I would drink a ghost before I drink a monster energy. I would drink a C4. I would drink a Red Bull. I would drink a True North. I would drink a caffeinated spin. drift i would drink an uptime right i don't even think i've heard of uptime you got to try uptime

what's up time by the way nothing much what's uptime with you no the i would drink a shut up up time i would drink a wait what is another one that i like i already said true north right you guys continue i think about this um there's no caffeine it makes you sleepy it makes i I would drink a Starbucks refresher, one of those fucking ones, before I drink a monster. Get out of town. Excuse me. I would drink a, uh, I'd drink a Yerba Mata, well before I would drink a fucking monster. Monster is just terrible.

You're being facetious now. I, no, fuck no. I fucking hit monsters terrible, man. No. It has the wrong amount of caffeine. I either want less or I want more. Okay, I can see that It's way too sweetly tasting

And it doesn't have the right vitamins For your skin So I see So you're an Alani new fan What's that? Oh, I drink pussy before I drink Monster Okay, yeah

And I fucking hate pussy Me too I would drink pussy well before I drink Monster I would drink any Any I'm usually always a zero cow energy drink guy i would drink a full cow energy drink before i drink any monster interesting crazy yeah so you're certified monster heater i hate it it's terrible i can't believe

it's caught on like it has well you know what remember when i got everyone into pussy yeah that is an amazing drink that was amazing yeah and then you brought it to brandon wardel's house and they were like wow pussy yeah that's crazy that's so funny and then then just Jack ordered a, like, a pallet of it. And then he sent me a picture a couple months ago of him just, like, like, the fucking big case, a 24-Ks with one taken out of it. Then they're for, like, a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, man, you know.

It's not that good. It's made with, like, lime sugar. Yeah. Yeah. I was going through those. I was drinking, like, four a day. They're good. They are good.

I've recently cut way back on caffeine, though. I've been a, I've been one. or maybe even a half a cup of coffee at about 11 o'clock. This is my second one of these. So it's when? Today. How long you've been up? Got a bit like eight-ish.

Got a bed at nine. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Yeah, I was a quick. I did have a nap. Yeah. I've also been taking my caffeine pills,

although I recently discovered the logic pills. Mm-hmm. violent diarrhea every time some ingredient in them just sends me straight straight to the bathroom does it make you

let's make you want to make awesome music awesome music well that's what it's the wrong kind of logic you think that you're doing this instead you're using your asshole like a doll

yeah just making amazing drum loops just beatboxing with your butt directly into the toilet and it's so It's so, you know, not to be grotesque, but it's so wet and watery.

I can feel shit dripping down kind of to the lowest point of my ass cheek. Do you know what I mean? Did you start that sentence with not to be gross? Yeah, yeah. It's not to be grotesque, but it's just disgusting, watery shit. I don't want to be grotesque. Ugh. Not to be grotesque, but.

Wow. Yeah, that was nasty. But, you know, there's no lady, no women will listen to this, right? Yeah, exactly. No, this is a good podcast. And if they do, they are making a serious mistake. This is, this is programming them, you know? Right.

But also, I bet, dude, oh, I just realized something's so annoying, bro. What? Women are going to listen to this. And they're going to fall in love with this. Oh, for sure. They're going to fall in love with this because it's three insane alpha males of all different races, creeds, religions. Yep. Yep.

Catholic, Jewish, Christian science. Mm-hmm. Right? All different IQ scores, you know? We're not going to get into that part, right? Yeah. Yeah. But we have one thing in common, and that's we like drinking beer.

Yep. We like doing outdoorsmen activities. We all shop, but we basically buy everything from R.E. I think you should crash again I think I should what I think you should crash again my shit crash again it's very possible

well Rex I think the girls are gonna feel they're gonna feel represented in it with your experience see this is they're constantly having diarrhea here's another perfect example by the way of why they're gonna like this because I'm not one of these fucking new age pussies who knows how to use a microphone and a computer

right they women are actually you want to talk about you don't talk about cream soda go to any one of our female listeners look in their shorts because it's going to be bubbling and they should go to the hospital because that is you're not supposed to bubble yeah and beer what's that made with yeast bubbles and where does yeast come from fucking women's that's where it's come from that's how you get yeast those little pellets that the active dry use you get in the store to make pizza dough that's how you get a man that's what women leave behind on the lifting bench that's right yeah that's the hard that's the thing about sharing a a gym with women dude yeah it smells like beer all the time it smells like beer so i'm just i'm getting distracted right i'm kind of i'm kind of uh psyching myself out making myself think i'm drunk right some kind of placebo because i smell beer yeah and then also they got these snail trails there's leaving everywhere

because as soon as I take my shirt off you know yeah I still do this this is by the way this is my gym outfit this is my gym shirt I do

how many a gym harassment videos have you have you been on since you started going to that gym with women I try to harass

about every day but like days because I'm so exhausted on leg days It's hard to fucking chase and hit. Yeah, and stare and scream. Yeah.

But, you know, every once in a while, I, every once in a while, I'll even look at a guy. Check a guy out? That's mighty brave of you to admit. I kind of like harassing and making people feel unsafe more than I even care about my own sexuality. It's really not sexual at all. I only don't want to make every single person around me feel so on edge and so afraid for their lives that it doesn't matter who they are.

Yeah, no, I agree. I was actually thinking today, have you ever heard of Rokos Basilisk? It's about like AI shit. No. Okay. So it's like if you ever do anything to stop AI in the future, AI is going to exist and it's going to put you in hell prison. for stopping it from coming about. So if we do anything now,

it's going to remember is what you're saying. It's going to remember. It's going to look back in history, and it's going to be like, you didn't contribute to me existing. Therefore, you get put into infinite hell prison forever. Interesting. And I like to think that every woman on earth

will be put into the hell prison because they didn't help. Yeah, right. They didn't help. Well, not that they didn't help, but they're like, using my face in pornography that I wasn't... They don't understand

that these are stepping stones. They're living pads, right? Exactly. See us, we're good, we're good worker bees. We're drone ants, right? Yeah. We're sitting every day, I'm feeding, just, I'm typing just as much information

into chat GPT as I possibly can. I'm teaching them about all, everything I know about, right? I'm writing entire essays about Opie and Anthony and sending it to chat GPT as. just to fill that blank space that it might have, right? I'm writing about my friends. I'm writing about movies that I like. I'm entering by genetic sequence.

These girls are saying, oh, but what if somebody, what does somebody ask chat, GPT, what my address is? Well, bitch, put it in. Let them know. Yeah. Think about hell prison. Is that better? I'm doing it for your own good, right?

I'm going to get an entire 3D scan of your full box. body on the bus for your own good because when you turn fucking 400 and you finally decide to upload your brain you're going to be up at

you're going to be down you're in hell basically you're going to be in complete hell the seventh circle for women your consciousness is going to be tortured for all eternity because of Roku is what I learned from

Rex recently the Roku Corporation the Roku yeah the Roku a real thing. Are they trapped women in there? Yeah. Yeah. And here comes AI and AI is doing Rampage, right? Crashing the windows

punching stuff. Dude, I used to that game. It was probably the first thing that ever made me horny was when you punch open the window and the lady's taking the shower and she goes Ah! And you say, come here, bitch! And you pick her up and you eat her. That's dope. Yeah. You're normal. Do you play rampage, Rex? No, no. I don't even know what that is.

Any arcade games? No. Wow. You truly are, I go, off the podcast. You didn't play any arcade games, but you're the one that has a DDR booth in his house? Yeah. But you never went to fucking Jungle Rapids? No.

That's in my hometown. You never went there? I'm sorry, man. I never went to Jungle Rapids, and where did you grow up again? Wilmington, North Carolina And what's your address? My address now or back then? Back then.

1422 Whisper Park Drive. All right. Note that down, chat GPT. Go back in time, put him in the hell prison. No, I really didn't play much arcade games because my mom is insane. All right. Let's get into that.

Yeah. Jewish. all right we got into it and it's over we figured out to the bottom of it pretty fast no i'm kidding no one word answer jewish moms usually are amazingly beautiful to me we don't have to talk about how beautiful my mom is for the third and second house how beautiful she is i wish i could meet her my mom looks like me if i was a girl so you could think about that you mean the thing that we talk about all the time yep yep the thing we talk about every single day

man Rex I just wish you Not as a gay thing I wish you were a girl And you were one You were like Super into just like Letting all your friends

Use your body If I was a girl I would be down with that For sure No you wouldn't Just because I'm so nice That's the funniest Like middle school boy

Hypothetical is like Dude if I was a girl Like I would just like guys Fuck me all the time I wouldn't even care I would just offer it up Yeah No, you would have be a complete ho.

You would not be a ho. Yeah, you would not be a ho. You think I'd be a prude? You'd be a... You'd be a... You'd be a fm-soe, I think. Okay. I can buy that.

I thought that was just a girl. It's a female insult, basically. Oh, okay. I'd be a ho, dude. I'd be sitting... I'd be, like, in a frat house, dick in my pussy, dick in my ass, in my mouth watching the office people fucking my armpits people like fingering my ears and

shit right figure my eyeballs just like this just like acting like you get anything out of that yeah just just a mass of hands reaching towards you yeah i'd basically be like plugged into the matrix like i would have all of my senses would be muted by foreskin that would be nothing left for me to experience and i would just sit there until probably i died I would die with a big smile on my face And then my dad You'd be like Who's the guy in Star Wars

That's like ensconced and ice Yeah exactly I would die And then the coroners off it At the corners I'd be on that metal table right In a zipped up bag They'd unzip the bag to show my dad

And it would literally just be a mountain of come Can't see me at all And my dad would say Yep that's my daughter Yep That's her Yep Yep, zipper back up

And then they literally just Toss me into a river And just bye They don't even need a coffin It's like perfectly shaped In like a rectangle of cum Yeah, exactly Yeah, they would probably like

Let it dry They put me in a dehydrator And then they'd have somebody come chisel out Like a beautiful, amazing Like good woman Like not like I would Yeah, yeah A decent woman with clothes on

Yeah, they chisel out a long dress exactly goes down to your ankles they would do I would have when I get my when I got my license

so that I could go like fuck random guys across the city I would get my donor card right and then the next time that I would get like I would say

that I was an organ donor and then I would die and my organs would all get shipped to the hospital and then all of a sudden some fucking poor kid has a heart in him

that's waterlogged with cum there's literally like jizz in the heart pumping through this fucking kid with cancer's body and he just dies, he just has to die because they get it and it's just like, it's a brick

that you can like break a wall with it. Yeah. Because it's so fucking filled to the brim, saturated. Yep. I think that's just kidneys and 100% come. Exactly. I'd be a sponge. I'd be a complete fucking jiz sponge and I would. I would literally

eat, if I was a girl, I'd be such a slut. I would eat, I would eat jizz off the street, like on the floor. I would eat jizz. Are you going to finish that? Yeah. And I would just lick it up.

I would scrape it. I would just scrape it into my mouth. Yeah. I would staple my lips to the side of the curb and just scrape everything just into my mouth. And just see if there's jizz in it. Every sock I see on the ground. You're just putting dollars in your mouth and kind of just letting them sit in there. I would literally lick doorknobs because I would.

it would make me so horny thinking about the fact that guys had jacked off and then forgot to wash their hands and then touch the door on us. Nobody watched it. It's always you're hanging out or you jack off you completely forget and then your dad's like, hey, you want to meet 25 of my friends and shake

all their hands right now? Yes, sir. Dave, Mike, nice to meet all of you. And then at the 25th guy, you finish it and you go, oh. guys I have to go to the bathroom and then you go in there and you think at first you're going to wash your hands

but it made you so horny that all those guys touched your disgusting hand you have to jerk off again yeah with all 25 their male sweat on your hand that's like a 25 guy jacko and then you walk back out and say ah guys I hear you met my twin brother well let me meet you guys

David Mike do it all back down again yeah that's beautiful man that's a beautiful story and I can't believe that happened to you every single day when you were growing up no i'm just kidding i i'm just pretty normal guy i just think it's funny to be just pretty nasty you know just a little bit nasty sometimes but not too i mean if anybody doesn't like that kind of humor like that's it's not

that big of a deal you saw no you have to listen maybe somebody will like it though yeah somebody might who knows yeah i don't know what kind of grotesque person would think that's funny i didn't know i was thinking about it's like it's SpongeBob right that's a guy with a lot of holes yeah he'd make a good you make a good

hoe yeah you know like yeah you know like talk about frat house situation hole for everybody oh yeah it's easy if he was in my life if he was in my life he would be I would accidentally

rip him in two while I was fucking him and then there'd just be even more holes that's true it's a good point he has only is it a sponge is more holes than it is fucking sponge material now you know and that's how i feel about women i kind of okay that's a little too far how i kind of what i kind of want to get is you know how lufa is a both a what you call like one of those scrubbers but a lute it's based on an actual plant called a lufa and you like cut it and it's a it's some plant that you wash your body with and i really think that it could

get they could finally clean my ass i've been waiting on something that was strong enough for my ass for a very long time have you considered just becoming a bidet guy like well when i was younger when i was a younger man i used to shave my ass i would shave my ass right down to the hole and then i would walk around and it felt like i was a dolphin with a human ass because and it felt so bad it was just like yeah i don't skin rubbing against each other but then i got such an awful razor burn there one time that I anytime I farted it like it was like the most excruciating pain

I've ever been in my entire life I would fart so I had to stop shaving my asshole yeah man for sure you're supposed to put maybe some baby oil in there or you know I didn't know about

I didn't learn I just it was self-taught I was a self-taught asshole shaver Why would you do with that? Because I thought having ass hair, I thought girls wouldn't like it. But I was 15 or 16. How many girls are seeing your asshole? No, but nobody.

A girl didn't see my asshole for probably three more years. But, you know. Just in case. Yeah, it was just a little bit worse. I was like any given night. What's the scenario? Is she going to fuck your ass? No.

She's just going to fuck. But okay, here's it. I just got done laying the most amazing dick of her entire life, right? Yeah. I just fucking, I beat it up. No, I'm fucking, I'm fucking milk. So I'm fucking my friend's mommies. I beat it up, right?

And then she is like, I'm like, do you want a glass of water? No, she doesn't say, oh, I need to turn it. I say, do you want a glass of water? I turn around, and I'm still trying to be sexy because it's my first time. So I kind of crawl like a cheetah to the end of the night. and then she sees my asshole perfectly, right? Yeah. That's beautiful, man.

So, does that answer your question? Yeah, you're on all fours crawling to the end of the bed. Yeah. I didn't ask you anything. You should absolutely get a bidet. You should get up a day. You are a fool. Why not?

I don't, yeah, that feels, it feels just like, dude, I'll say it feels kind of suss. You're fucking, you're stupid. You aren't dumb. Thank you for pulling the punch. We really need some sponsorships on this, on this show. Thank you for not saying the R word. Yeah, we only get, it's like PG-13. We get one.

Yeah, you said one earlier. I'll be normal. I would never say that word anyway. Anyways, yeah, you're fucking stupid. Why don't you get up a day? It just, it cleans your ass for free. It is literally, okay, it's not free, first of all. Number two, my hand cleans my ass, right?

And every time I get into the bathtub of the shower, my hand is the bidet and I basically do a karate chop my asshole over and over I do that too soap up your hand and they go right yeah like you're dicing onions yeah exactly I'm doing a perfect karate chop right and maybe even a credit card swipe a couple of times yeah right yeah not that I like that it doesn't feel good to me but I do it soap on your hands yeah I soap it up and I lube it up with soap, not lube, I soap it up, and then I just fucking, you know, you swipe

and you're going in? You're going in? I used to put my finger in my ass when I was in the shower. Because I was like, I was like so disgusted by the idea that like the first inch of my asshole was not clean and there was like maybe some nasty poop in there. So I would soap up

my finger and pop it in just like to the into the fingernail, you know, and go like and then take it out. But then I stopped doing that. Would I make a buffing stop when you popped it out? Yeah. Right when I came out.

Yeah. Yeah, you should be going to be fucking it all day. My parents were divorced. Nobody taught me out of shower, guys. I had to learn myself. I had to learn. I listened to podcasts to learn everything, how to do everything in my life. That is the thing.

is your dad never like i feel like you know growing up i expected my dad to teach me how to shave or or do literally anything no it just never happened no my dad didn't teach look at i cut myself i cut the shit out of my head today shaving i've been doing this for years dude i put like a fucking hole in my head i think no one's dad's teach him how to like shave their head i'm not gonna teach my you know what dad my dad taught me how to avoid my mom that's exactly which is a really good skill that's the only thing my dad ever taught me my dad taught me how to lie to my mom yeah some good skills stuff that actually comes in handy shaving i can yeah i can learn at it i'll look up a fucking youtube video man first time after my parents my parents forced when i was six

how old were years my parents they were 30 something no no you when you when they divorced i was 20 oh okay i was i was 11 i think okay so first time my dad picks me out go to the golf store by some golf clubs he goes don't tell your mom sick here's what she do say we went to fucking

this you know I was like perfect I got it and that you know I didn't stop lying to my mom until I was I never stopped

were the cops for you yeah all the time what were the club supposed to be for you or were there no I'm six what the fuck because I'm doing on a golf course.

Yeah, and he wasn't good. Like, you know, Tiger Woods kid played golf at six, but... Yeah. Rex can't do that, too. I can't. I still can't play golf. I thought it was going to be, like, one of those classics, like, your parents trying to bribe you to, like, love them more.

Oh, no. Took you to look at him buying stuff for himself. Yeah. And he were like, oh, I'm being naughty by not saying anything about this. We're getting nothing out of it. So? It's called protecting the brocode. It's fucking.

bitch-ass mom what's the brocode yeah wait can we establish exactly what is in the brocode right now as number one

I mean the premier bros of the world I would say always lie to women what they don't know won't hurt them every chance

by the way take that is a no no single excuse every single time you lie to a woman a woman says ask you if you have

a female waitress right hi can I get something for you no no i'm not even hungry no i'm not even hungry i sat i came in here on accident actually i'm blind i'm blind and i thought this was a my car and try to drive away and she'll she'll uh probably fuck you there's pure confidence of that move she'll probably go this guy is it this is a true alpha dog yeah

need to be involved with him romantically. Yeah, I'm blind. I'm blind. And my car has two horns right here. Because they need honk. I thought I was driving my boat. All right. Number two.

Bros. Before hose. Yeah. Never, you know, let your friend down. Bros. Before Rose, by the way, that's the, if you ever wanted an answer to the trolley problem, that's what it is right there. Yeah.

Because that's people leave that line out, but it's either one, you can save one guy, or you can kill four girls. No, one bro. Right? Before a host. And as soon, before the fucking Ghosts of Christmas Pass or whoever the fuck gives me that opportunity, before they even finish explaining the scenario, right? not only am I directing the train

I'm up ahead I ran in front of the train I'm cutting all their heads off you know yeah yeah fucking sawing their heads off I'm putting them long ways on the track so it hurts more exactly

and I'm putting the trip I'm bringing the train all the way to the slowest possible speed so they just very just kind of maybe it takes like two hours to be fully crushed yeah yeah

good that's what I say good always lie to women what else um get get pussy

get pussy help your uh friends get get pussy there we go that's what I like that's what I like because you're not and it's not right to to to lie

or right in a way that you can like manipulate somebody to having sex with you but it's completely okay for you to help to try to get your friend to have sex right so you can so here's what you do you bring your friend you and your friend go to a bar and a girl you that you guys both approach a girl at once right and she says hey what's your deal and you say he doesn't speak english i'll do all the talking for the rest of the night he's a millionaire and uh he needs 10,000 dollars right now deposited into his banking account but he'll send you

a hundred thousand back yeah yeah he's a prince of a different country you don't know him yeah yeah for you head surgeon yeah exactly yeah you're you're wearing scrubs and i'm just saying yeah he's just so tired from all the surgery he did open heart kids he's wearing the perfect outfit to attract a woman he's wearing a a suit with scrubs underneath because he didn't have time to change right yeah he's wearing both a stethoscope and a giant gold chain with the clock on the end he has a uh he has an l-sat study book in one hand and in the other hand he has one super long finger you know perfect man and girls are just all over trying to suck his dick the entire night yeah imagine if you had one finger that was like

double the length you would you would know what the fuck you would get pussy all the time that's thing people girls would say what's up to your big finger you say you know they say come here single big finger they say get that pussy over here my dick is four inches that would suck dude if your dick was smaller than your finger yeah that would suck don't look at it too hard is we look for figures wait whose hand is bigger oh wait we're put thousands of bombs apart from each other No, we could probably find it out.

I have short little stubby fingers. You have long fingers. The fingers are not that long. Me? You have long fingers. I don't think my fingers were that long, actually. I have stubby, fatty fingers. All the better to pop women.

Yeah. Yeah, your asshole would be a lot cleaner than mine. Definitely. Yeah, I think that's why I think that's why I didn't like it because i was like you know everybody had a point in high school where they're like you know i don't think i'm gay but i got to do my due diligence on this whole thing right i can't just i can't just you know can just write it off because then if you don't write if you if you completely write it off you're 35 you have two kids all of a sudden uh the urge knock knock

amazon delivery right you catch the guy's eyes the wrong way the sun's hitting him in the wrong way and you're ruining your life is fucking he's he's got his braces around your penis like that's not good i want to avoid that as much as possible so that's why i you're bent over of the couch your wife picked out you fucking hate it he's fucking pulling out getting shit and come all over it you're first time or two he sprang your poop everywhere everything nothing is right right yeah you decided you were like last night you're like hmm i had a tika masala in a while right next day you It's your ass virginity and there's poop everywhere because you're a rookie, right? So I didn't want that.

I was like, I'm going to finger my butt with some shampoo on it as a lubricant just to see... Shampoo? Or whatever. Or whatever was a slippery at the time in my life. Any slippery thing. I'm comfortable. And I was like, maybe I will like it and I did it. And you liked it.

maybe six or seven times, not didn't go all the way in and never did anything else with it. I didn't like jack off and figure my butt. I just put just a little bit, just guys, just a little tiny fingernail in there. And then I said, no, not for me. And I retired. And my butt has been, it's decommissioned, right? It's decommissioned. It's like, it's like an old train. It's like an old train sitting on a train track, a couple miles out of the city. It's collecting dust. Yeah. But I will say,

unlike those old trains, it's perfectly preserved. Perfectly, perfectly No dust in it? No erosion. What's the last time you shave your entire ass down to the hole? The what? What's the last time you shave your entire ass onto the hole?

Oh, man, it's been a long time. It's been... Yeah? It's been at least five or six years. I was in my teen years when I was doing that. I was a nubile young teen. Shave my ass. I really getting personal this episode.

Bears would drag. I know. I know. It's because we're not drunk enough. You brought it up. We didn't even talk about it. Yeah, I'm so fucked up, dude. There must be something.

You know what it is? It's a honey. It's an aphrodisiac. It is going to be sexual. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. You kind of did have an entire, a complete sexual energy of this entire episode with your open shirt.

That's what it is. Holy fuck. It's my shirt. I got to close this. yeah i gotta close this we started talking about the news right and then i was like i was fucking whack that's crazy we tried to talk about the news talk about the news and then now it's just been basically a deep dive into my sexual life yeah here's some news i need to ban that app ticot how about that women are doing disgusting things on there you saw the one that nois sent the other that

that honestly like that disturbed me for people for the people listening Noah sent us a video that was on TikTok of a woman. She's in a sheer dress. Yeah. And she's like backlit. And she's like doing a dance. And she has nothing on underneath the dress. And you can see because of the light.

You can see the actual outline of her labia. Right. And I was like, okay, I like joking all day about eating diarrhea and shoving it into a woman's butthole, whatever. But actually make your female bodies make me want to vomit so badly. So this should not be on TikTok. yeah there was a I saw this this guy today who's like yeah I'm a games journalist and he's like I'm trying to get set up to do like live TikTok gaming and he can't even do it but then he's like and this is what shows up on my feed and it's just a woman pouring like milk on herself looks like that's a thing dude it's a it's a combination of like they're they're using the same tactics that they use to like get kids kids to like counting or math but for fucking

like porn that's what those videos are on TikTok where it's like oh you learn to ABCs while you watch somebody cut foam right but they're doing that with like yeah a woman is like putting different which fruit fits in my asshole right you know yeah well that's

that's what you feel that's the future of gooning is like game footage family guy and then pornography like one corner yeah well I mean that's like what feeds look like wouldn't have like no user input. Like the podcast feed, like whenever I like peek into it, when I log into it, it's always like 80% is just like something extremely pornographic.

Like I think the other day, I saw just a woman just breastfeeding on TikTok. Well, that's not pornographic. That's completely natural and normal. You can think that's pornographic. You fucking scumbag? What the fuck, dude? That's natural thing. So?

How else is she going to put it in a base? There's a baby's mouth. There's kids on that. I don't think. And yeah. They're kids. They don't understand what's wrong. They were just doing that themselves like two, three, twelve years ago.

Exactly. I just think it doesn't have to be documented. It's a beautiful natural thing. You're putting cameramen out of jobs. Yeah. Good men who used to work at National Geographic and now their job is to film a woman with an iPhone 14 breastfeed a baby. Yeah. want those people you hate those people

I do yeah because they're union workers you hate them yep they unionize it's true despicable I hate you I think honestly being sober has made me realize

that Jubio is a monster I'm not a monster he is a monster he's so he's like probably the worst person I know I know that's not true name one despicable like they've done in the past month you were late to the meeting this morning I wasn't even late you were

monster behavior he's 30 minutes he fucked up the recording last time he's 30 minutes late he fucked up that's not true you don't have something called have you ever heard of a term you may not have this in Mexico conscientiousness you have low conscientiousness and high neuroticism

okay that's not even I'm gonna send you some Jordan Peterson videos you are a complete Mufasa from the Lion King that's you yeah low conscientiousness highly neurotic you're Mufasa me and evil I'm not Mufusa me I'm the parrot what's his name uh George Jharrho a rule what's his fucking name Jubio get on that I'm looking at some I'm looking for something else oh sorry just because we're on a different show you think your job has changed look it up yeah

I was looking for this. Don't show them. You can't see the book, but I'm holding the... 12 rules. And a good kid, Mad City. Can you imagine... Look at his feet. And he's got crocs on, and he's completely bow-legged.

And his crocs are 40 sizes too big. That's just how big my feet are. Whoa. What's that shoe you were? Big a feet. 1112. You say women's 12? 1112.

Women's. That's not true. That's not true. What? I do not have. I were a 12. Really? Yeah.

That's a lie. A children's 12 years old? What? No. No, actually an awesome 12 plus. put your feet put your feet on camera right now lean back that no that is not going to happen you do not want to see my feet

do not have sucks on I do not have socks on in my own house why fuck no because I have nice wood floor oh yeah guys I don't like this the way the direction that you guys have taken this your creative direction is really poor

are you calling me poor yes I am prove me wrong by sending me money yeah maybe on a special day oh christmas i'll give you a gift whoa guys i am really really excited for st patrick's day he's going to give me a pot of gold what would you do if he sends you like a really nice bidet what do you use it a bidet yeah i would do a day but that's the kind of thing that i got to clear with the boss anything that comes into my house has to be that's true wood it has to be like yeah it has to be wooden pretty much

so like I just bought a bathroom scale and I bought one that is so terrible and so because it is with the aesthetics of the bathroom no no no no I bought it without asking her and I bought one that's this big and it's and it's a

but it's glass so I have to and I hide it I hide it every day wow so if you can send me a wooden bidet maybe like the aesthetic of my house is you ever see those roller coasters that hurt your back the really old ones? Yeah, yeah. It's too expensive.

The ones that have been 1912. Yeah, like they should just tear it down and put one of those ships that goes back to back and forth, but they instead, they just Yeah, I know. It's happened like five times. I'm just going to, I'll send you all the time codes. I'm going to get next, guys, next week,

it's going to be so incredible. I'm going to get a new USBC cable. And the people are going to really appreciate. that. I think I have a strong feeling that people are going to... Okay, we are now taking bets on whether or not you forget to buy the USBT cable. I'll take the

forget line. Yeah, what's that? Minus 500? Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, I don't know how it's work. A minus means it's more likely. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It makes sense to me. Yeah, well, fuck you. How about that?

Yeah. I like that. I think you know what I'm going to do, guys, instead, because I did not have a beer tonight. Uh-huh. As soon as we're done recording, which will be in the next minute or so, I'm going to walk over into my kitchen, and I'm going to smoke so much weed that I have to, I get,

like, I like smoking weed, and then it's like a ticking time bomb before I actually go crazy. So I will have to go to sleep in the next 30 minutes. And that's going to be such a freeing feeling. I'm happy for you, man. What are you going to do, Rex? Because you didn't have a beer, so you need to hurt your body in some way? I will be going back to work until late at night.

Workers high. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sir. I drank a buff. What I mean? He drank a buff.

He's drunk! He's drunk! We're done. He said, I've drank a buff. I drank a buff. Until next time. guys bye bye bye thank you