Podcast About List - Ep. 100 - GUN CITY Part 1

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Podcast About List presents... Episode 100: GUN CITY: Operation Solutio Darkbrain. For our 100th episode the powerful Patches (@senator_gun on twitter) (please follow him) created a one-shot Dungeons and Dragons adventure in the cyberpunk world of Gun City. We split the episode into two parts because it's pretty long so here's Part 1. We really hope you enjoy it and thanks for supporting us– 100 years feels like no time at all. Subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist if you want to! But you really should even if you don't want to. Character art done by the very talented and awesome @kaiklops. SOUND EFFECTS USED (HAVE TO LIST THIS FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS): https://freesound.org/people/pfranzen/sounds/393745/https://freesound.org/people/Iwiploppenisse/sounds/156031/https://freesound.org/people/tim.kahn/sounds/22627/https://freesound.org/people/guitarguy1985/sounds/70938/https://freesound.org/people/qubodup/sounds/205588/https://freesound.org/people/NoiseCollector/sounds/67376/https://freesound.org/people/Qat/sounds/114683/https://freesound.org/people/kwahmah_02/sounds/316658/https://freesound.org/people/bone666138/sounds/198876/https://freesound.org/people/peridactyloptrix/sounds/196097/https://freesound.org/people/juskiddink/sounds/140867/https://freesound.org/people/Ferrettomato/sounds/383439/https://freesound.org/people/nicholaswyoung2/sounds/245423/https://freesound.org/people/JarredGibb/sounds/219031/https://freesound.org/people/SieuAmThanh/sounds/514385/https://freesound.org/people/kuzyaburst/sounds/196120/https://freesound.org/people/DWOBoyle/sounds/145701/https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/394414/https://freesound.org/people/thanvannispen/sounds/9429/https://freesound.org/people/EMSIarma/sounds/108852/https://freesound.org/people/Alternicity/sounds/133101/https://freesound.org/people/cemagar/sounds/120341/https://freesound.org/people/G_M_D_THREE/sounds/454649/https://freesound.org/people/GowlerMusic/sounds/266566/https://freesound.org/people/gprosser/sounds/360942/https://freesound.org/people/JavierZumer/sounds/257229/https://freesound.org/people/Kneeling/sounds/448004/

Podcast About List presents Gun City, Operation Soluccio, Dark Brain The year is 2300. Long ago, humanity abandoned Earth and all the disgusting poor people on it in favor of a new home, Planet Ebaum. While there is no life on the planet, There are enough G.I. Joe PSAs and remixes of Papa Smurf cannot lick your ass to feed humanity for at least another half century.

The largest city on planet, oh, Gun City, is run by a puppet government installed by the Stakem's Federation of Bodies and Spaces. Humans have finally learned to worship their corporate overlords and have fully embraced the oppression and technological comforts to come with it. And guess what? Living like that? That's only if you're lucky. Because if you have to live in the slums of the... Gunn City, where the neon green turns to a crimson red. You either rule the streets through fear, like the Mad Sucla, or you shoot up enough poppychucos techno slime to numb the pain, like our friend Chatterbox over here. And what's controlling all of this? How does the Stakem's federation of bodies and spaces keep this shit in line? Do the world's biggest computer? No one can escape

the computer. It controls everything, throwing out just enough sleep. to keep these piggies hungry, keep them dependent. It constantly plays overrated synth wave records from 2013 that echo throughout the city, allowing only a single vibe to exist. It controls the traffic lights, the bitheads, the delta jocks, the panther freaks, the techno scum, the street samurai, and the net runners. It knows everything about everyone, where you last jacked in and when you last jacked off. There's no escape.

Not even if you're a jazzed-up psycho Kurumaku. But today it's going to be different. Today, Ashton Future, CEO of Top Ten's Mindfulness Corporation, has assembled an elite team of professional mercenary operatives to carry out Operation Soluccio Dark Brain, a highly classified mission that will change planet Ebound forever. The team is assembled now in a laser helicopter flying over Gun City. Gentlemen, introduce yourselves.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Patch is you should just do that voice all the time. That should be your speaking voice. Why are you fucking with that normal voice? Come on, dude. That's sick. Yeah.

Hey, you know how it is. So, yeah, everyone. Introduce your characters. Who are you guys? Well, I am blow-toss piss, a ruthless Grinch hunter from Whoville. Growing up as a Who, I was a bit of a Christmas freak. So when the Grinch stole my favorite. holiday out from under my dog-type nose, I formed a serious tool-style grudge.

I placed a personal bounty of a thousand presents on the Grinch's head and emigrated to planet E-bomb to carry out my jolly task. I'm highly trained in gun-kata, cyberfu, and mental karate, and I'm prepared to fight, kill, and fuck any fuzzy green gremlin that tries to get up in my business and jack my joy. I'm fully decked out in red and green holiday camo fatigued with a green wireframe cyber metal for most cuttingly sarcastic Deadpool quips to the camera. I wield a fearsome Chris Kyle-style Grinch gun with tactical scoundrel scanner scope to pick off pesky grinches from long range, as well as dual lead pipes to beat the stocking stuffing out of any creepy creature that crosses me. My strength, agility, and mercileness in combat are matched only by my lack of physical beauty, deep autism, and intense unpleasantness to be around.

And I also have a pet monkey named Patrick. Whoa. That's awesome. So you're sort of standing in the helicopter with your arms crossed. Yeah, you're leaning against a helicopter wall, just sort of ready to make a quip. And I look at the camera and I say, I love helicopters. So to me, this is more like a heavenicopter. And I say that to the camera.

Can we get a pun roll on that? Yeah, absolutely. What's a... It succeeds. Oh, okay, or actual roll. Hold on. Let me say. Yeah, we need to roll that.

We need to see if he successfully made this one-play. I'm going to have you roll that with advantage, because that was an awesome pun. Thanks. What status is that? So what that'll be, advantage, just roll two D-20s and take the highest number. All right, that's a really good pun, then. Dude, that's a really good, that was the entire helicopter, the entire heavonicopter. Actually, everything is really interesting.

Yeah, now we have to call it a heavenicopter. Okay, yeah, I'll just, no, I mean, you know, it just took me four. hours. So I'll just change this. Just spell helicolk? I'll just change them. All right. Yeah, okay. Who's next? So who's next in this lineup? I'll go next. All right. Hello. I am a computer who spent most of his life as a prop on popular NBCIA sitcom, Electronic, the Office. After spending years in Holly Weird, I decided I needed a change of

scenery and quit acting forever to become a corporate operative. but versed I needed a body to hold money and breasts I had my old friend John Krasinski bring me a demon from the police station he now works at where the demon was chief of police John shoved me in his back and I hacked his body in return I gave John a plastic sheriff's toy gun and star that I got at the dollar store and I told him there was an Afghani family trying to enjoy a dinner down the street So he left to go kill them.

With my new body, I needed new things like a name. Luckily, I am a computer, so I wrote a program that analyzed all of the world's names and constructed the most normal name imaginable. So I will always fit in and blend in. My new name is Ray William Johnson, but you can call me Ray. Okay, amazing. So are you, uh, how does, how is a demon sort of, uh, enjoying the, the heaven copter? What are you, what are you doing, Ray? Um, the demon is, the demon is smoking a cigarette. Amazing. Okay, cool. No one's yelling at you about it either. No, no, it's normal. Okay. So now, who's the, uh, who's the, uh, who's the last member of this, this, uh, uh, I, I am Patrick Yoda. I was born to two Bitcoin Biner's on the, planet fuck a suckabaw my parents were two yodas and they had normal missionary sex to create me nothing weird happened when they had sex either it was very normal by yoda standards they didn't even suck each other off

it was purely for procreation i grew up hoverboarding on the streets of suck a fuckabaw reading the reading my neighbor's minds and using my cunning to make them get me hoagies and hot dogs i joined the top ten mindfulness corp after they tricked me into signing up saying I would get free hoverboard parts and Humpty Dumpty All-Dressed Chips. I provide valuable resources to the team as I am the last person in the galaxy who remembers how to make a smoothie.

Okay. Nice. So you're probably just sort of hovering, just hanging out, maybe drinking a... I'm practicing a flip. Okay. What kind of... On the helenicopter?

On the helvenocopter. I'm practicing a flip. Okay. It's dangerous, Do you fall out? No, I won't. You can hit the rudders and get chopped up. There is a 60% chance that you fall out of the Evanogopter.

Don't tell me the odds. So, yeah, that goes on actually for about 15 minutes. And then you look up at the viddy screen in the Heaven Copter. And you see a silhouette of a... a really cool looking guy from Iowa with a sideways hat on

and you would recognize that silhouette anywhere as Ashton Futures, the CEO of Top Tens Mindfulness Corporation and so he addresses you guys Oh, yo, what's up guys? It's me, Ashton. It's good to see you guys.

I'm so glad you guys decided to do this mission It's gonna be so freaking sweet dude We're gonna totally punk Totally punk steakums Okay So what I need you guys to do right now though Is look in front of you

And you guys see in front of you A couple of dossiers show up And I need you to open these up And we'll gotta go point by point What the mission is So yeah You guys open up the dossiers And you see

Another screen and it's Ashton Futures just again and he says let's just say that a buddy of mine who is not called Cyborg Jerry Seinfeld who is not dating a 17 year old Jewish Roomba gave me a hot tip about a video

that lives inside the world's biggest computer okay so I'm thinking maybe we do a punked right okay so here's what I'm thinking okay I'm going to take you guys in this heaven a copter over here we're going to fly over the HQ

of Stakems which as we all know is a massive social media manager and we're going to drop you guys on there right okay and we're going to go into the world's biggest computer while it's doing an OS update

which that happens only once every 50 years and it's happening tonight they're updating to Windows Fogel so we have to go in there and that To have access to the computer To finally freaking delete the Kramer video It has been a stain on Mr. Seinfeld I mean, my friends

Legacy for years now And we're going to delete it from the internet And all of Planet Ebom forever So Are you guys in or are you out? In I'm in Okay this would be a lot harder

for me as a DM I was open to it if you set out but I'm so glad so I changed my mind Oh shit Ashton Futures just kills himself

So yeah He says Well it looks like you guys are going to need to be jumping out soon So I'm going to sign off But make sure you get this done By midnight Or you guys are the one are the ones, and I wrote this down, who are going to be punked.

And, yeah, the bitty screen shuts off. The dossiers explode in your hands. And you see a timer show up on the helicopter. On the video screen now, it says, like, five minutes till drop. So you guys are going to drop in about five into, presumably, the giant gargantuan social media manager sort of megal. sword um yeah i'm ready

okay let's do it so yeah so time goes by five minutes go by you guys get all suited up and everything and uh you jump out can everybody let's do our first let's do our first role of the game though for real so everybody uh let's roll roll uh either athletics or acrobatics um and we're gonna see how successful your jumps which one which one is it so i can i can choose either acrobatics Acrobatics or athletics?

Yeah, that's usually. So I rolled the D20. I got an 11. Fuck, I got a 2. And my acrobatics is 0. Okay. Then you got an 11. So then you got a straight 11.

What about you, Plotas? I got a 15 total. I got a 2 with a plus 4 athletics modifier. Okay, so you're at a 6. So in that sense. So yeah, Blotas, you know, you're a total badass, you know, Deadpool kind of like roguish cool guy So it's very easy for you to just sort of flip out

And start skydiving down You've locked on your talk Can I do a spin? Yeah, definitely Can I do a spin while I do it? Yeah, you very easily do a spin You don't have to roll for that Patrick Yoda, you know

You're a hoverboarder You know this isn't you know So you have some experience doing this So you kind of you jump out Like in Sonic the Hedgehog Inventure 2 battle with your hoverboard Ready to go You don't do anything fancy though

You're trying to just you know it's a pretty far drop. Ray William Johnson, you just sort of trip. And you're just sort of falling. You're just like sort of an unpleasant experience. And so, yeah, you guys are falling. It's like it looks pretty badass. The camera's spinning around you.

But then what happens is the camera spins around once more. and it spins past you guys and now I need you all to roll a dexterity saving throw but I need our friend Ray William Johnson to roll his with disadvantage no fuck I got a 19 um I got it with my negative one uh I got a nine okay I got 12 okay cool so uh so what happens is you guys are falling and just as fast as you're falling out of the corner of your eye, Blotas,

you can see the Jolly Bee Sky Patrol rolling up on you. Oh no. No. And they immediately, no questions asked, start firing. And I'm going to

need, yeah, Caleb, you're going to take, or sorry, Ray William Johnson, you take, you take, you take, you take, you take, you take, uh, let's see what you take. You take one damage, so it's not too bad, so they shoot at you guys. I take one damage. Yeah, and they just, they shoot their, uh, I thought I was dead. No, dude, they shoot their little pellets at you. Uh, they're doing their best.

They get a surprise attack on you, uh, Ray. They sort of like, over like a loud speaker. They're like falling with you guys, um, but they're just like flying downward chasing you. They're saying, uh, you're flying into unauthorized areas on behalf of the state of the corporation. We will continue to shoot unless you change directions. Oh, fuck. Um, is it, am I, is this, would it be reasonable to try to fight them in the air or? Oh, somebody should try and convince them that we're going to change directions.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. That, that'll be, that'll be me. I'm, I'm a very persuasive. I mean, I'm a computer. Okay. So here's what I do. I open, I open Internet Explorer. Okay. Right, and I open, I open Cleverbot. I got to Cleverbot.com and I ask her what she would do in this situation, right? Okay. And she says, and she says to me, I love music. And I'm like, and so I'm a little fucked.

So I just got to make it up by myself. So I say, I say to the guys, I say, we come in bees. Okay. Let's see if that works. Yeah, roll a D20 and add your persuasion. 15. Damn. Okay.

Yeah, that's pretty good. It's a pretty good role, but it's not enough for these guys. They're pretty hell by. Are you getting me? Guys. They say bullshit. And, yeah. Everybody has to roll for initiative.

I guess it would be kind of hard to believe that coming from a demon. That was kind of the part of the difficulty of that role. Demon falling from the air. And I was like, I think because he's a demon. You might be right. So everyone roll for initiative. We're entering bad. All right.

I got 13. Nice. 15. 18 plus 4. Okay. Let me just make sure I get this down. Yeah. Some of this stuff will be like the stuff you cut out.

like me keeping track of initiatives, I imagine. I'm cutting out everything accepted it. All right, never mind that. This is the good part. In that case, I'll try that. We're going to cut down everything you say so that it's just us rolling to nobody.

You like leave in someone asking a question but leave out my answer. Yeah, every single time. Leave out all the story and just like I'm, I eat a cheeseburger and 11. It would be a proper episode then. Okay.

Let's roll for these jolly bees. Let's see how they do. All right, cool. Yeah, so in that case, pretty good. Pretty good, everyone. Yeah, so there's three of them. You're all sort of falling within, like, within, like, range of each other. And I'll say that you can probably, like, sky swim, like, at, I'm going to say, like, that you guys are, like, super, you know, you guys are, like, super badass, like, mercenaries.

You can all sky swim at regular speed. So you're all within range of each other pretty much. I'm on my. you. I'm on my belly on my hoverboard. And I'm surfing like that. Yeah, you're like boogie boarding. I'm still spinning, first of all. And second of all, how many, how many are there?

There are three of them. Oh, we got those, dude. Yeah. So, do we, this is when we fight them now? Yes. Yeah, so the first, yeah, dude, I'm absolutely going to get crap from your nerd fans about how I did that dexterity. saving throw i'll find out later um okay we have no not fans yeah that's true you guys only we made sure uh yeah pat it's actually your turn first so oh it's my turn so i have to i have to pick something to do to them yeah so there's one in the back who um furthest furthest in the back

who has a uh a like jolly bee um a jolly bee special gun that's what i wrote for that uh then there's one closer it shoots great there's one closer up that has a chicken joy nightstick and then there's one uh there's one uh closer up also who has uh who's like sort of a uh has a bunch of like lasers sort of ready to go that are all branded with jolly bee and steak um wait i have an idea i can i just do whatever i want now no it's patrick not my last turn i didn't hear that yeah um um hmm You should ask me about my idea. Yeah, what's your idea, Caleb?

No, you've got to do your turn. You can't talk to me yet. Why? All right, what I'm going to do is I'm going to hit him with a hoverboard boomerang. Hell yeah. Okay, yeah. Which one are you going to hit? Can I take both of them out?

You can take, you can, okay, here's what I'll have you do. You can hit one of them, and then you'll be able to do some damage to the other one. So if the two of those that are closest together bunched up, so roll a D20 and add your attack bonus there. You see that? I got 11. Sorry. Damn, that's plus 8. Okay, yeah.

So, yeah, you throw it. You manage to, you missed the first guy in the front, the guy with the chicken joy nightstick. He sort of just deflects it, but it whips around and wax the other guy, the nerdier one with the lasers, in the back of the head. So, yeah, now roll for damage. So you see there, you got 2D4. So I got an 11 on the D20, and now I got to roll the D8? Yeah. Okay.

I got seven. Nice. Okay, yeah. So your hoverboard boomerang whips around and just, like, waxed a shit out of that guy. All right. Uh, he is not looking too good. You basically, like, knocked half of his, like, head off. He looks fucked up.

That's good up that jolly bee. He's like, he's like, he's like, oh, my God. I hope he feels pain. What is his, what is his, what is his, what is his, what is his, yeah, what's it, does it look like chicken? What does it look like in? Yeah, um, that's a trade secret. So, they call that a cop out here.

Um, okay, yeah, it is now, uh, your turn, Caleb. Okay, so there's two last. Yeah. All right. I will use my ability, uh, hacker mode to try to hack the one club. One of them seems probably like the leader, right? Yeah. The chicken joy nightstick.

Okay, chicken joy nightstick. I attempt to hack him. Okay, so that's 19 with my spell casting modifier. Yeah, he's dumb as shit. He rolled awful. He's a fucking idiot. You hack him very easily. So in my computer voice, I turn around to the other Jollybee, and I say,

Maybe he was killing our friend as a joke, and he's actually a pretty nice guy. We should maybe leave them alone. Yeah, so he's saying this, and he has, like, a giant alien where, like, computer tower lodged in his back and is just, like, saying, trying to say this. So for the folks at home, Caleb's a hacker thing. Ray William Johnson's hacker thing is, is a computer, there's an alienware computer lodge into the back of a demon. It unhooks and then hooks inside of another character.

So, and then his demon just teaposes the while that's happening. So there is now a giant hard drive in the back of his jallybee, and he's just trying to talk to his friend and say, maybe he was okay. I'm going to have you, I'm going to have you roll persuasion with advantage. Yes. Because that's, that's a good idea. They're not very smart.

Oh, perfect 20. Oh, you got that 20? Not natural, but plus three for my persuasion. Okay, cool, yeah. So the other one responds to you. The other one responds to the other jog, but he just goes. Yeah, I guess it was pretty funny when he, when half of his head came off. So I can kind of see what you're saying, man.

And he turns to use it. I mean, I don't really want to die. So let's, you know, let's kind of, let's huff. it you know let's huff it out of here nice the jolly bees are from the 40s yeah they say things like let's hop that's why they wear that little hat

true okay and now I now I right click safely eject the hard drive out of the jolly bees back yeah you safely eject your back inside your doom body you guys so yeah the two jolly bees kind of go away they're dragging their dead friend along with them

out of the sky yeah oh yeah they're flying the God, how far will be dropping? You're dropping so far. We've been dropping for like 10 minutes. And, oh, well, it looks cool about D. Oh, I shouldn't.

I will, though. So the one round of combat in D&D is six seconds. So all that happened in just like six seconds. So we have so much time left. Oh, yeah. Of dropping. Oh, awesome. So it's only been like, it's been like 12-ish seconds as you've been

falling and um uh however um what ended up happening though was that the jolly bees called in something when they left oh no and out of the corner of your eye actually you know what blotas uh roll a roll perception check yeah oh that's a seven yeah so you don't really notice it but uh what what happened like you're you're sort of focused on falling and you're doing a lot of cool stunts so you probably don't notice it. But, um... Yeah, I'm flipping over. Doing some DDR shit in there.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm shooting at my gun everywhere, too. And that catches the attention of a flying blue blur that comes out of nowhere. And it's, it's none other than the blue Grinch. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, dude. They brought the blue Grinch? Dude.

They put the blue Grinch in the game, dude. And he says He says to you guys You can kind of make it out as he's like approaching you Like at mock speed He says Merry Christmas Sucka fuckas

And he crashes Right into all of you I need all of you to roll A Constitution saving throw I got a seven Okay I got a four Oh my God

I got a 14 Okay A blow toss and Patrick Yoda, both the arts, immediately. And... There go all my hot dogs. Yeah, in my mouth. That's all blow toss. That's all blow tossing.

Hot dogs. I just want to put that in... Yeah, they all land in my friggin' mouth, and I eat them. And then you throw them up immediately after. I throw them up because they're wrench hot dogs. So there's this sort of exchange of vomit going on, as you guys are falling into the sky um and you're not totally off course uh um you managed to sort of hold your ground ray and um you're now so you realize you sort of look in the distance and you see that the the main

part of gun city and the um uh the giant social media manager are fading in the distance and you look down and you're starting to you start to realize that you're falling towards somewhere very different. And so you guys are going to have to figure out how you're going to land safely as your floor. Deployed parachute.

Okay. I haven't. We have not deployed our parachutes yet. That's true. Well, I haven't. Because I've been on my hoverboard. Yeah. Yeah, you guys roll a... I don't think of what this should be. I want to be a I guess this is technically a dexterity saving throw to see how well

you roll your parachutes and how well you can't. My dexterity is zero. I got a six. I got a ten. Okay. So six, a ten, and what did you get? 22. Okay, yeah. You expertly

pull it out. What do you say the camera as you're landing perfectly? Look at these parachutes over here. point to the two other Ryan Reynolds I say all like that fearing for his life

hearing these quips yeah you two Patrick Yoda you do pretty well do you do like a move when you land I do a

a backflip just a backflip just to just to rub it in my face just to rub it in my fucking face that I got a six I land on the ground I do a back flip immediately and as I'm landing

I've also flipped a cigarette and then I land and the cigarette lands in my mouth. You're going to have to roll a performance check because that's okay. Which one? Check his ass, dude. That's bullshit. Plus your performance.

16. No. You do it. Wait. 16 and then do I add the 3 here? Yeah. Oh, so so that's a Is you adding

I was in remedial math. Patrick just took two and a half full seconds to add three to 16. I told you. Okay. But with that, hey, with that 19, who needs math? You fucking stick that landing. The cigarette falls in your mouth. And you see sort of people around you give you a polite golf clap.

Oh, it's pretty, that was pretty cool. Who are the people around us? Oh, you'll see. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. Yeah. If I land. Yeah, how do you land?

So you fucked up. How do you land? Describe it? I fucked up, and so the demon that I'm in control of, he sort of, like, gains consciousness for a minute, and he just starts jacking off the demons do. And I can't get him to focus on the ground, and he's actually jacking off to the thought of him hitting the ground and dying. so he's just rapidly just

just right on his fucking demon dick which is really small it's like proportional with like a gorilla dick like it's like really small for his body and I'm like and so I try to get him to stop I'm like stop stop stop stop

stop and then I and then what happens is we land his horns first into the ground and so I have to wait for somebody to pull me out like a pitchfork yeah you you I pull him You pull them out. Do a strength.

Do a strength. I put it back. No. I put it back immediately. Okay. This is going to be a strength contest. So both of you guys roll strength to see if you're able to either pull them out or push him back in. All right.

Okay. I got a 10 minus 1. Okay. And what's that? I got a 9. There it is. So Patrick Yota, you're like jumping up. You're like real little.

You're like trying to like stomp on his feet to like keep his head in the ground. but blowtospice is able to pretty easily push your side. Why are you doing this, dude? Are we like enemies? Like why? No, it's a combat. I was going to jump off of you.

At who? At the people. You were just going to attack the people. No witnesses. We're supposed to be, this is a covert mission. That's a really good point. Those people saw me do the flip and they golf clapped for me. We got to take them all out.

So you guys land. Oh, Also, I should say, yeah, Ray, you take five damage from that brutal. Five damage, dude? Oh, fuck. You fell with your horns in the ground. I don't know. That's normal for me.

People do that. I don't know. People do that. So, yeah, you guys have landed in the slums of Gunn City. Where the neon turns to. Sorry, did you say Guns Titty? I said... I think he did.

I think he said Guns Titty. So I'll just change. Name really quickly. You guys have landed in the slums of Gunn City, otherwise known as Guns Titty. Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. That's right. And the girls here are pretty busted, folks.

So you're in one of the nastiest parts of all of Planet Evam, where some of the lowest, scummiest techno slime dealers live. It's just wall to wall. tons of fucking Arby's and electronic stores stores that sell electronics is what they say on the signs people all walk with their head down they're all just totally impoverished they refused to succumb to the glorious Stakem's brand lifestyle and because of that they suffer it's pretty it's pretty harrowing pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty big bummer. It's sort of, it's like you guys ever see the movie Blade Runner? Of course. It sure is a lot like that. Whoa. Wow.

So yeah, you guys are in the middle of the slums. You feel your Sony Engage ring. It's almost definitely not Sony. And you pick it up. Yeah, thank you. It makes way more sense. You feel your

PSPs ring and you take them out of your wherever you keep that, I guess. I'm thinking of the... My pocket. Yeah, your pocket, but to do it like a row. My horns. Yeah, you keep it...

Tactical kangaroo pouch. Amazing. Okay, you guys take it out of those places. And it's... Ashton Future sort of goes on. He says, whoa, looks like you guys really fuck that up. Okay. So, if you guys are going to be able to make it there by midnight, you're going to have to find a way to get to the main city.

And I'm going to be honest. really no good way to get there I'd just probably start asking a round you might find a way in oh good luck or again you're and he almost curses and he says then you guys are punked whoa and then he signs off and he locks off because he can't curse on

TV and he's on a sort of a little TV but well you get one fuck it's a PG 13 campaign yeah yeah so you guys are kind of stranded in Gunn City times a tick and you have to do it by midnight before OS Vogel fully updates in the computer

So Fuck, okay Um Whose turn is it? Yeah, so there's people around All different shapes and sizes There's some freakers on the streets and some Is there any big bitches?

Yeah, there are a couple My demon loves big bitches Do you want to talk to some of the big bitches? Let me find a big bitch real quick Okay, yeah So I want you to do I want you to roll roll investigation

to see if you find a big bitch hell yeah I roll at 26 okay so yeah you spent like a good minute just sort of looking around peering everywhere

and you find some of the choicest largest women in the slums so easily you find a group of them sitting outside of a jolly bees and they're just chatting and they are looking they're making eyes at you

and your demons make an eyes at them maybe but so yeah so I'm going to try and take advantage of my demons a lustful glare and so the demon walks up to him right and he starts going like blah blah blah blah blah blah

right and then I click the mute button I go to the dock on myself and I click mute and I mute him so he's just moving his mouth but nothing's coming out but then I turn the speakers on and I go Hello, women of Planet Ebaum. Could you point us in the direction of the main city?

Yeah, the two big-ass bitches look at you. How big we're talking? Yeah, what do they look like? Yeah, how big these bitches. Have you seen the movie Shallow Howl? They look like Jack Black? Say no more. I won't.

Yeah, so they sort of look at each other and look at you, and they sort of, like, laugh a little bit. It'll be a little embarrassed. You're like, you can't, like, get to the main city, like, from here, not that any way that I know of. Why, bitch. Which one of you says that? The computer. Yeah, roll a persuasion check. You just call this a little bit of bitch.

All right, hold on. I roll a 13. Okay, yeah. She sort of is not too thrilled, but she's like, oh, there's something to this demon. He's kind of, he's at least muscular, you know, maybe there's something there. And so she says, because he need, like, so many different kinds of, like, verification to even begin to go to the rich part of town. And the other one goes, yeah, it's really hard to get there. We ran into John Cook.

That one's Jack Black. Can you, Kid, does he scat at all? Yeah, he was, Blah, B'Boo, do, ah! Can we get some Jack Black rickickickickicket kicks? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what they say to you, though. Okay, so at least that's some information. I have, I have an idea. Is it my turn? What's your idea? You could do whatever. You can just do stuff. We're not in combat.

Outside of combat, there's no turns. I make them a smoothie. okay and these are some big ass bitches so they might appreciate that yeah so let's let's do this so you make them a smoothie and yeah how do you give them the smoothie because i'll determine whether or not they drink it uh it's in like a big like you know like the paper cones for water but imagine one of those but it's like big like a snow cone holder uh no not even like uh it's kind of like more like a dunce cap like a traffic cone more like a dunce cap What do you say? Does it say dunce on it? No, it's not like a, it's like a dunce cap for a giant. Does it say dunce?

No, it says smoothie. Are you guys having this conversation in game? Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, so they're sort of looking at you guys talking through what you can, what you should be able to see. And what do you, and then they're like, what are you doing? I'm making a smoothie. Okay.

That's what I'm doing. Do you offer them the smoothie? I offer them the smoothie, but I don't know what's in it yet. Okay, yeah. You know what's in it yet. Do you say that? Do you say that? I still don't know what's in the smoothie.

Yeah, okay. So you have to, yeah, so the thing about Patrick's smoothies is that you don't know what's in them until you drink them. So roll of persuasion checks as you're offering. strangers a drink I got 13 big bitches yeah okay so they're big bitches so they're kind of just down you know like you know respect

you hand them the smoothie they take a drink of it and it is the best goddamn smoothie they have ever had oh my god god they are losing their fucking minds the jack black one um is doing like the little jack black like shuffle where he sort of

like this sort of like I know the shuffle yeah yeah when he walks between the the desks in school of rock yeah yeah yeah because that's what i was thinking of yeah he's so he's so excited um and uh he's just now he's a guy i did he's jack black he's still a big bitch he just didn't air he'd still be a big bitch he sure is yeah they're so excited and they're like okay okay oh my god and jack black's like scooby-de-bee he's like, okay, that was the best smoothie I've literally ever had. Okay, someone who might know actually how you can get in is Sullivan, the frog. He lived a couple of blocks down from here.

You won't miss it because his apartment looks like a tree stump. I tell her that that's my cousin. Are you lying? Deception check I'm making that up Okay I also tell her that's my cousin Bo I say he's not my cousin But I'm lying

Wait I roll all right So you all have to roll deception Because you're lying about how you're related Or not related to Sullivan the frog All right do we roll it at the same time? I got an eight I got an eight You got an eight

I got a five Okay yeah they're just You all swear of just like, just like three dudes, like, yeah, yeah, he's my cousin, yeah, like all at once. Yeah, they sort of like, like, like, like, you're like, okay. Yeah, like, they're like watching three guys try to brag about how this frog is their cousin or not their cousin. Yeah. And they're like, that's cool.

It is cool, bitch. Okay. Yeah, I back talker. Yeah, you sure do. They're like, okay, like, honestly, thank you for the smoothie, best smoothie ever. Which could I believe? Or hard to eat. We're going to go, like, home.

And so they get up and they leave. I tell one of them they're my cousin. I put a tracking device on them. Hold on. Okay. What do you do, Patrick? And then... I tell one of them that they are my cousin.

Yeah, too. That is... So unhinged. Okay. Okay. Yeah, they just sort of walk that off. I can't even begin to conceive of another kind of response. I yell after them that Patrick is my...

They're walking fast. I turn on bass boost on my built-in speakers, and I say, I have no cousins. Okay, I'm going to say at this point, you guys are making so much commotion. that you've got to tap on the shoulder Patrick Yoda since he's the only one who reach, you're the only one whose shoulder he can reach and you turn around and see

a handsome dandy of a little frog Oh my God He's got an adorable little bowler hat on It's my cousin Does he think that Yoda, Patrick Yota is also a frog? He's at first question And then he turns around. He's like, oh, it's not what that is.

He's not wearing any pants, but he's got like a cartoon bottom half. So there's like no indecency. Is he wearing like a suit? He's wearing like a suit up top. Like, he's Winnie the Poohing it. Gotcha. He says to you guys, Uh, excuse me, are you guys looking for me?

No. Yeah. We don't know who you are. I cover Patrick's mouth. who you are with my hand I'd cover Patrick's mouth I give him a really light tap with the pipe just enough to like confuse it

I craft the pipe at a camera fan Okay All right Let's get back on there's like a lot I could resolve there It's like trying to figure out Yeah he he sort of regards This like interaction where it's like no yes No yes he goes

Uh well If you're looking for solving the frog That's me And he uh point to himself with two thumbs and smiles. Is there any way that I can help you guys? Okay, I got this, boys. Don't worry about this.

All right, I walk up to him over nine feet of demon, and I just say, I'm just like, can you point us in the direction of the city? Oh, you're trying to get to the main city. I try to get out of Guns' Titty. He sort of like nods. And he winks at you, but frogs have translucent eyelids, so it's just, he just, like, blinks. It's like a weird filter goes over one of his eyes. Okay.

And he says, I'd certainly like to help you, but I was wondering if there's something you could do for me first. No. You got guys look pretty strong. Okay, real quick, I hack Patrick Yoda. No. Yeah, I hack Patrick Yoda. That's going to happen. Okay, so what you have to do, then, is you roll a, uh, amazing, okay, you roll, uh, your D20 plus

eight, Caleb, okay, Patrick Yoda, you roll, you roll, you got a 20, yeah, Patrick Yoda, you didn't get a 20. I did prove it, you roll a 12 plus eight. Ah. Oh, yeah, that's for that. I had to prove for Patrick. You have to roll, oh shit, Patrick Yoda has minus two intelligence. He's like, oh, wait, someone knows. What do I roll? If you have to roll Patrick Gerdrida, there's literally no way you can be at a 20. You have minus 2 intelligence. I think I can do it.

Okay, I want you to try. Roll a D20 and subtract two. Seven. Okay, so that's a little bit less than 20. So the tower unloges from your back, Caleb. Describe the process of hacking. Yeah, yeah, so again, I safely eject the tower. Right.

But then I realize that I have way to propel myself since we're not in the air I can't use like you know centrifugal force so I just drop onto the ground and then the demon football punts me into the back of Patrick Yoda's head where he conveniently has a USB 3.0 port right female and I plug into it and all of a sudden and also Sullivan the Frog

does not notice this somehow because I rolled 20 I'm so good okay I actually would rather you roll a stuff to see if Come on, dude. Okay, all right. Since you want to complicate everything, I roll a 21. Okay, yeah, let me roll for him. He's probably not going to notice.

He's not very observant. He is looking right at you, though, so we'll see. No, he doesn't notice. He did pretty bad. He doesn't notice at all. Yeah, you just hack into Patrick Yoda and your demon. So suddenly, this is what it looks like to solving the frog. He's trying to talk to you guys.

There's like a fight going on. between two of you one of you starts T-posing and the other one stops like talking all of a sudden after he just said no asking if we needed his help bachelor said no and all of a sudden

his eyes go white and you see the matrix code over late and he says actually yes we would love your help Saul in the front goes oh that's good well

here's something I wouldn't mind you guys doing for me so well I don't know how familiar you guys don't look quite like you're from around here but um well there are a lot of gangs here in guns titty and one of them is the uncle and his nephews they come around every night and they give me wedgies and call me slurs like hoppity which is a slur for frogs they're a small time gang and they're hooked on the stuff they push that techno slime so you know i i don't think they're too tough probably for you guys but if you guys can maybe

just talk to them or something i'd really appreciate it i say mission accepted and i crouched down i look right in his eyes when i say it um so he knows that i'm serious himself a little very scared um and he says to you got to you uh well okay you can should be able to find them at to suck a fuck a bar and grill and that's where they're usually pushing their techno slime probably in the back anyway

I have to go suck a dick I just never figured out what he was going to say that I just never TMI to the camera You didn't need to say that Sullivan

You could have just said you were going to go to the bathroom That would have been fine Yeah we don't need to know what goes on in the bathroom We get it, you're doing number four Disgusting little frog Sometimes I get a little excited Get lost you hoppity little bitch Don't say hoppity to him

You are a hop-ed-y little bitch. He looks really dejected, um... But we will save you. And he sort of smiles again. He sort of used to abuse, so it's kind of like whatever. He kind of likes it. He says, I'll see... I say, think of us as the lesser of two evils.

Hey, I'm used to that. We're going to say, we're going to... I'll see you... I'm going to call you hoppy. I marked the location on your cyber map, so it should be not too hard to find. Come back here when you've sorted it out. I'll get you top side, no problem. And he sort of hops away and goes into his little stump a couple blocks down.

You watch him hop the entire way. Nice. Yeah, so you guys have it marked on your map. You can see that the suck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-grill is further down. And I'm no longer, I'm no longer hacked by Caleb. Yeah, I unhack you. You're hacked for the rest of the other. Okay, I unhack you.

I unlatch myself from the back of your head. and then I use my CD drive to crawl myself back to my demon Mm-hmm Yeah And then he picks me up and he puts me He accidentally puts me on his penis

But it still works Okay Another port there Yeah Yeah so you guys want to go to the Suck a Fuck a Bar and Grail Mm-hmm Yeah

I want to go around the back So yeah You walk So you guys walk down a few blocks You see you pass by a bunch of shops Uh Patrick put on sunglasses for those I've found them on the ground.

What kind of shops do we walk by? We walk by a sunglasses store and I pick up a pair of sunglasses. Yeah, so you should have a hundred. Oh, you could definitely have to... Oh, no, no, no, you have a hundred dollars. You guys all have a hundred dollars, so... Of course. I didn't pay for these, though.

I found them. Okay. So you walked by a sunglasses store and you found sunglasses that you didn't pay for? Yep. Okay, cool. I'm going to let that go. Yeah, so Patrick Yoh. to steals sunglasses.

You walk by a sunglasses store. You walk by a Costco, a giant Costco. You walk by... Okay, wait. As we walk by the Costco, my demon uncontrolled he runs in and gets a chicken bake.

Okay. And I'm like, I'm sorry, guys. Sometimes he gets hungry. Yeah. Yeah, you get your chicken bake. You walk by a few dispensaries that are like, you know, medically approved techno slime.

You walk by a few, like, people who, you walk by a few, like, uh, VR sort of like arcades where people are putting on VR helmets and stuff. And you get to, uh, the, uh, sucka fuck a bar and grill. And it's just, it sort of looks like a giant, like can of beans, uh, it's sort of a, uh, weird, like, chrome, futuristic can of beans. shaped kind of place. Wait, are you saying that in the future, cans of beans will be chrome and futuristic, or it's like a can of beans, but with futuristic attributes?

It's a can of beans chrome-like situation. So you get to the suck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-bar and grill, though. It's probably the seedyest bar in town. It's where the mad suckler, the kingpin of the gun's titty, is said to, like, sort of run a lot of his operation out of it. There's a lot of gangs there. You guys, you walk inside, you see the Hillary Clinton's, or a gang of men who all got surgery to look like Hillary Clinton.

You see the jerky boys. This is just the jerky boys. You see the techno-scum psychonauts. Yeah. Those guys are the only cool ones. Those are the ones that Cameron has a history. I want to join those guys. Yeah. Everyone who is not in a gang is wearing an Oculus Rift that simulates getting a blumpkin from Boxie.

Damn, dude. The first time that name's been said in a recorded medium, maybe ever. That's what I'm here for. And you guys see the bartender, which is a giant worm named John. Sounds like a big bitch to me. Oh, my God. Jamal de Whirm? It's Jamal de Worm. He's the bartender. I order... I say, hey, Jamal, what's up, buddy? Yeah, he's single you guys over. He's like, hey, what's going on, guys? How you doing?

He's just sort of immediately the most chill, friendly worm around. You see him from... I order... Yeah, what you do? I order one Pib Cosby from Jamal to Worm. He says, Pip Cosby coming right up. And he sort of, he's balancing himself on his worm body and using his tail to make the drink. while he's doing that he says What could I help you with fellas

Real quick I order just a normal Cosby Okay He uh He sort of says you're gonna have to go out back For something like that I'm sorry Okay

What's it wait What's the name of the gang We're hunting again The Uncle Nephew Yeah uncle and his nephews So I asked Jamal I say We're looking for a gang called

The Uncle Nevues Jammal goes like Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I only have one volume setting. All right, all right, okay. The uncle and his nephews, they come around here. They're kind of a... He sort of rolls his worm eyes, and he says,

they're a real pain. The suckler's been trying to get rid of them himself. They're taking too much off the top. Typically, they hang out back, where they shoot laser craps and play laser jacks. uh honestly i'll look the other way if you guys want to go out there do whatever it is you need to do whoa i say thank you jama i say uh thanks brother and then i try to give him a fist bump yeah he six his little wormtail up and says says i'll just let that go that's fine okay

um what's i order three more pib cosbys yeah he's like one for each of us yeah I order a Chrome Bowl I just got you a Pip Cosby I don't want it I don't want it I'll ever a Chrome Bowl to give me extra energy Okay

Future energy Why? There's plenty of drinks For both of you guys Both of you guys And he sort of makes both The drinks for you Uh he makes you

The three Pip Cosby's He makes you Yeah well now I got to drink Two of them And my feelings are hurt Just Okay well I could drink

The one and mix it With my friends Why I know We gotta get out back Dude There's a thing we have to do I use my I use my lead pipe as a straw.

And I give myself brain problems. Finish your drinks and let's go. Oh, do you want one? All right. Yes. Yeah, do you want, you can have the chrome bowl if you want. It's making Patrick Yoda. I got one for him.

I got him of Pib Cosby, too. Well, how about, well, you just drink all of them. I don't want to drink all of them. I'll get his stomach egg. I order three more Pib Cosby's. Okay, so, yeah, he says, okay, I'm going to have to cut you guys off. All right. If you take care of the uncle

You can have as many of this as you want All right I'm pointing to the back door Okay wait Let's strategize guys How about I think I think Patrick Yoda should go out there And pretend to be one of the nephews

You look like a nephew He just looks like a nephew Me and Ray Will hang back and if things get ugly We run in and we If things get ugly, should I turn someone into Picklewick? Well, you'll be dead if things get ugly. You're dead.

If you die, we'll just, if you don't die, we'll just leave. All right. So basically what I'm saying is we sacrifice Patrick. I agree. Is this about the pit possibly? Here, you know what? Let's just take a vote. What if we all go in at the same time?

I said, let's take a vote. No, no, no. That's not. You have to do tactics. that's my tactic here the tactic here is to send Patrick out first alone okay and he should leave his weapon all in favor say aye aye aye aye all opposed to say nay we have to do the vote i nay i pick up patrick it's unanimous we have decorum we have decorum i pick up i said i i said i to nay i put pat i pick up patrick's tiny yoda body pat i pick up patrick's tiny yoda body i

put him on his hoverboard and I push him out the back door before you can do anything. It's again a strength contest. So both of you guys roll for strength. Okay. Me? Yeah. I got an 11. I got a 17.

Okay. Yeah. So you try to like grapple this little Yoda guy and put him on a skateboard and what do you do? How do you shove them off? I, well, I grab it by the, oh, you're talking about. Yeah, you suck. You don't get to do anything. What I do is I go between Cameron's, or,

I go between piss his legs, and I swing up onto his back, and now I'm on his neck. Okay, so you're just sort of... Okay, then I just walk up there. And now... So the entire plan, just... You guys are sort of just freak the mighty eating it. We're pretending to be one big guy. Before they walk out of the door, I jump on Patrick's shoulders.

So we're one giant guy I'm going to need you Cameron, I'm going to need you to roll a strength saving throw to see if you could hold him. Okay. I got a 23. You're strong as hell.

You're just holding a demon and a Yoda. You guys come out, I guess, to take goodbye tickets to the R-rated film. You go out to the back and you do see you do see. You see that the The alleyway is lit by much dimmer neon than the inside the bar than the main city.

You know, it's a little bit seedier out here, right? And you see dimly lit in the back, you see this big, brutish-looking orc man. And you see just, and he's just like hideous looking. And he's wearing a white tank top, which has another name. I'm trying not to use it anymore, you know. and he's wearing that and hanging on his arm is just is this like

busted looking blonde woman who is just like talking at him saying some stuff and then on the ground you see a bunch of little goblins dressed in sort of like Adidas track suits

but chrome and they're all just playing jacks And when you lose that, you get shot in the head, the kind of jacks they play. Whoa. And so they see you guys come out. Okay, we continue. No, yeah, the uncle sort of looks to you guys and says,

Hell you boys want. We're one nephew. Why are you stacked up? Wait, okay. We're my big nephew. Yeah, yeah. We try to convince them that we're just one big nephew. Yeah, yeah.

How about this? Imagine this. Say each of the individual. things you would say and then we'll imagine all of them being said said at the same time okay uh ready three two oh no we'll do it simply yeah just do that i say i say oh yeah let's just okay three two one we're just one a big nephew i'm one big nephew one guy okay so one he sort of is like looking around at you guys he's like what you're you're my nephews or you guys trying to trying to become nephews

We're nephews Yeah you don't remember us I'm me Roll deception Let's do it Roll deception I'll say with advantage Because you're all stacked up on each

All of us Yeah all you guys roll deception I got 17 With deception right Yeah Yeah I also got 17 I got 17 I got 20

Nice yeah Okay yeah so he sort of says Oh yeah I guess Must have forgotten I hired you guys why don't you play jacks with the rest of the nephews and see the little goblin, like, yeah, come play jacks with us.

Come on. Okay. We remain on top of each other, though. Because nobody can move until I move because I'm the heaviest one and I'm on the top. No, I can. No, I'm the one who moves. I'm on the bottom.

No, nobody can get off. Like, we're going to remain stacked until I go off. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. I walk over to the, I walk over to the jacks. And I sit down with them. Come on. Your real nephew, you can play jacks with us. Okay, actually, here's what happens.

Because you are at the bottom and because your arms are busy holding Patrick Yota's legs over your shoulders, what you have to do is you have to sit 10 feet away from the circle of people playing jacks and bend over so that I can be the arms. Okay, I do that. Yeah, and I pick up the jacks. And then I look. immediately not at how you play jacks

I pick up the jacks and I put them in my mouth okay yeah the uncle looks at you he's like wait a minute my nephews would never do that I pull out my who are you guys really I pull out my lead pipes and I hit an uncle

everyone everyone roll initiative let's fucking go okay 14 I roll up Four. I got eight.

Okay, cool. So, before anything happens, which Cameron, you do get to go first. You are going to get to, like, whip out that lead pipe. But you see the blonde woman who is hanging on the uncle just, like, sort of stand at attention and turn, like, just rock solid. And the uncle, like, picks her up like a sword. Whoa. Yeah. So that's a wife.

way. Yeah. A broadsword is the... Oh, shit. Oh, my. Yeah. So, yeah. Now, Cameron, you're up.

You're up. So you're going to go lead pipe on them. You're close enough because you guys approached the Jack's subterfuge. Yeah. It's in your mouth. All right. That one's my bad guys. I'm sorry.

I do. I, I whack the, or how many nephews are there? So there are like, four. Yeah, what's the number of nephews? So here's how old. What's the nephew uncle ration? So there's like four or five little nasty goblin nephews. The way they're going to work, though, is it's like horde fighting.

So it's like, you just attack the nephew group as long as they're within range, and you're just going to sort of take out a few of them, depending on how much damage you do. All right. Gotcha. Okay, I want to, I want to fuck up the nephews. Yeah. I want to hit, I get, do I get, okay. Yeah, I want to hit the nephews with my dual pipe.

So I take out my dual lead pipes and I spin them around in my hands really fast. And I just stick my hands forward like they're two helicopter blade lead pipe helicopters. Okay, yeah, roll D20 as your attack modifier. Yeah, let's see here. That's a 13. Okay, let's see. I don't know. I wish I remember it. Yeah, that's a hit.

Okay, roll for damage. That's 17 damage. Okay. Yeah, describe your kill on all of the nymphs. Okay, they just go flying. I stick my spinning pipes into the midst of them, and they all just, like, scatter, and they go, they bounce around, like, bowling pins, and just go completely rigid, instant rigor mortis. It looks like a PG movie that has comic violence

Yeah, there's no blood, it's just bruising A bruise covers all of their bodies instantly Right, you're just killing heartless in Kingdom Hearts It's just, they're just turning into mist Yeah, exactly They evaporate Yeah, that's my cool cultural reference So, yeah, they're all gone

And the uncle just goes, My nephews! And like screams towards this guy he's just like despondent you see a single tear from his broadsword like she's she cries as well completely stone-faced otherwise um yeah is there anything else you want to do you if i yeah do i get an extra attack and then a cunning action yeah you can do that okay i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna uh i'm gonna hit the the the uncle with my pipes yeah i want to hit him in the head right on the top of the head downward that that's a

23 wow yeah you yeah you beat his armor class roll for damage that's 12 okay yeah so yeah you mess him up you sort of like whack him on the sides

like a bunch like in the the ribs and he's like like at each hit so he got kind of he kind of got beat down but he's still holding himself up he's still holding up the rage, the anger at your, your violence to his nephews, your nephew violence.

Okay. Yeah. Nephew on nephew violence. Yeah. Were they playing, was there like a table they were playing games on? I would say, yeah, there was probably a table off to the side, probably a little bit behind you, though. I want to hide under the table. Okay, yeah.

So, you're kind of in plain view, but what you can do, you can roll for, and also you're within range of him. So you would have to actually disengage. Oh, okay. If you want to hide, you can. But if you don't disengage, he has an attack of opportunities. All right. No, I'm just going to, I'm not going to hide them. I'm going to stand there, and I'm going to say, fuck you and fuck your nephews.

Yeah. And I'm going to spit in his face. Okay. He's like, and my spit is green because I'm a who, and that's the color of who spit. I just decided that. The color of who blood, too. Yeah. He's, like, mad, and then he also, like, does the thing where he's,

like a cartoon dog and he licks the spit up in his mouth and he's still like fuming mad though and it's actually his turn so after you just massacred his nephews he's going to try to hit you with the blonde wife

his blonde his broadsword so let's see how that goes okay yeah he's he's going to land that hit for sure it beat your armor class so he's going to roll for damage now as well let's see how he does okay yeah so he uh

takes his wife his broadsword uh woman and he sort of like does a thing where you like drag a sword on the ground and like do an upper cut with his wife and just like messes you up in the middle you take uh 10 damage

uh yeah how many hit points is that what uh 10 or no how many hit points do you have left i mean 23 oh okay that's not bad yeah and he uh at this point he um also you need to roll a wisdom saving throw okay that's uh 15 okay so as the sword is coming up to hit you the the broad sword the woman just also like shrieks

right in your face um but uh and you get rattled for a second but there's no other really effects um as a reaction can i look into the camera and say that's gotta hurt yeah okay okay i do that. Okay, cool. Roll a performance check. Okay. Yeah. Oh, no. That's a two. Yeah, it was pretty bad. I say, that's hurt, got, mess up my clip. Yeah, you mess up your clip. And I look away from the camera by accident. Yeah, you do a, you do a famous Justin Royal and Ricky Morty sort of, oops, oops, I'm messing up my lines. Exactly. I burp in the middle of it. But it's not funny, unlike Ricky Morty. Right.

It's very funny. Okay. It is now your turn Patrick. All right. Am I still attacking the uncle? If you want to. I mean, you can also... Do whatever you want.

I could, yeah. Hmm. Because if I could attack him, but I could also turn him into pickle Rick. Whoa. You could. You can try for sure. Should I use techno slime points this early? You got Lutzter.

You can recharge it. Use it. Oh, all right. Then I'm going to use it. Do it. All right. Which one do I roll? Okay, yeah.

So for Pickle Rick, uh, uh, you're basically your polymorph spell. You roll a, um, They have to actually roll. So they basically have to resist a roll. So basically you, so what do you say as you sort of use this?

And like, how do you use this ability? What is it that? How does it do it? It just, I just kind of stand there. I wiggle my fingers and something happens. Okay, cool. So that's how it goes. Then he has to roll resistance to charisma.

Yeah, he fucks that up big time. Yeah, so he turns into Pickle Rick. Oh. Does he want to turn to Pickle Rick? Or you can turn him to anything. I can turn him into anything. Okay. I'm going to turn him into a nephew. Whoa. Uncle to nephew.

So, yeah, you turn him into a nephew. He shrinks down his shirt is now sort of just, like, hanging over him. He's not really able to lift the sword. So he's probably going to have disadvantage on attacks with that. And he's just like, you little punk, I'm not a nephew, I'm an uncle! That's exactly what I wanted to see. Okay. Yeah, is there anything else you want to do?

You can move. I'll take care of them. So there's a bunch of nephews on the ground? There's a bunch of gang member, the part of the gang. It did. Yeah. Can I loot their corpses? As a free action, yeah, you can.

Just do it. Lute them now. I'm looting them now. Okay, yeah. You find, you find $17. Woo! We made it big time, baby. That's a come-up.

Yeah. My $17. My $100 is now 17. That's called growing your wealth, business mindset. He's to murder people and then steal from their bodies. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You're up now, Caleb.

Okay, so he's in his big shirt. shirt, right? Yeah. So I grab him by his, by the collar of his big shirt, but then he falls out. Okay. So then I throw the shirt away, and then I grab him by his goblin skin, right? And I pick him up and I say, if you ever in your, oh, sorry. If you ever fuck with Sullivan the frog again, I'm going to make you wish that you were a still a nephew.

So, okay. A couple things. First, first, oh, sorry, sorry, finish what you're saying. No, no, no, no. That's, that's as far as I've gotten. Okay, yeah. Let's roll a strength, just a straight strength check. Strength to pick up that little fucking guy.

Oh, just to grapple him, basically. Oh, yeah, okay. Fucked. How'd you do? Four. Okay. I had it all planned out, man. Well, let's see.

It is a strength contest, so let's see. He might fuck it up, and he's weaker now. he's he's now a gobre size I'm huge dude I got him yeah yeah no

he sort of just like slaps you away like flailing his little goblin oh like okay wait I can do two things during my yeah you can still tell him

what you said to him all right so I say that yes you say that still you just roll an intimidation check with disadvantage because you just like

fucked up trying I'm totally let him intimidate yeah so you roll two D20s add your intimidation to each of them

and then take the lower number of the two. Fuck, the lower number? Yeah. Eight. Okay, I'm gonna see how he does against that. Yeah, no, he's sort of, he's like,

fuck you, you weird demon freak! Come on, okay, all right. I say, you guys handle this one, and then I walk inside and I drink all the Pib Cosbys sitting on the bar. Yeah, he's gonna get an attack of the top opportunity as you're walking away

I don't even care whatever you're like dejected and you start walking away and he tries to hit you he completely misses he literally tries he tries to hit you and he like falls over and is knocked prone which means you guys have advantage

on attacks on him he tries to hit you and he trips over his giant shirt like an asshole your turn Cameron you're inside no now you're just drinking yeah I'm just slamming him back Jamal's like, how to go. He's so... Amazing.

It went so good. I was so cool out there. You should have been there, Jamal. Fisbump, bro. Deception check later. So he's lying prone on the ground, right? Yeah. Can I use my gun to shoot him in the butt?

Yeah, you can do that as many times you want. As many times. Okay, I do it a thousand times. Okay, I take out my Grinch gun, and I look at. Through the scope, and I shoot right into the hole. And that's a 23. Oh, you hit. You hit, roll for damage.

Six damage. It's not very much damage. Okay, yeah. I mean, you still, you still, yeah, so you shoot him, and he sort of is able to wiggle a little bit out of the way. And so you get him, like, kind of in the shoulder. And he's like, ow, fuck, he stings like a grinch. and he's just sort of a Rithing in pain

When I hear the word Grinch I flip the fuck out And I put my gun back I holster my gun And I take up my dual pipes And I go gorilla on him Oh absolutely Roll with it

Again you roll with advantage Advantage Okay that's 22 Yeah Yeah roll for damage 15 Okay yeah Describe your kill

In this uncle Okay so I just I go completely guerrilla mode, I freak out, because when I hear the Grinch, my eyes go green, I completely green out, and I, I started hitting him with the pipes, and then I drop the pipes, and I just start taking him apart, like string cheese, and I'm just pulling him, and there's just nothing left. It's a little red dot on the ground, is all that's left to him, and I eat him also, because I just, I enter full bloodlust, Grinch lust.

Yeah, you just pulverize him, you eat him, and, yeah, yeah. you guys you got in his wife is just a sword just still a sword permanently permanently a sword frozen on the ground and yes you guys beat the uncle and the nephews um so yeah do you guys want to go back to selvin or hang out the bar you guys should you guys should loot them of technosline before you come in okay you think you're you're at uh uh seven right now technosline points i'm still at full Patrick is yeah you're at my fucking monkey I'm at nine you do have that monkey oh my god oh no Patrick you have five techno slime points left actually

oh shit yeah so wait so if I play the base that's I think it's another two oh yeah damn you can recharge it you have this shit to recharge it yeah it's just a risk of war with recharging it all right let's do it which is the fun

let's jump back in so if I if I inject myself with techno sline Oh, I get, oh, you regained five. Okay. I thought you, it said 10 pints. I thought it said, meant points. No, no, no. It's like you have, like, it's like you inject a whole pint of the slime into your arm.

Yeah. Yeah. It's also something you would be able to buy here, too, because, like, techno slime is, like, pretty common. It's basically how anybody stays happy or sane. You guys familiar with the, uh, the opium epidemic? Yeah, in this country. Okay, yeah. I've never heard of it.

Yeah, no. Not in New Hampshire for sure. No. There's no way. There's no way you would have heard of that. Okay, cool. Yeah, we can, we can friggin resume. So yeah, you guys beat the shit out of the uncle and his nephews.

You walk back into the bar. People heard the commotion outside. You see the Hillary Clinton sort of squirrel away. You know, they're kind of nervous. You see some of the other gang. members. Do you see the jerky boys like sort of like cow or two? Like you guys have kind of made yourselves

known. Especially a blowtas piss that you literally beat the uncle to a pulp and then ate him. Which was so crazy. You a savage for that one. You crazy.

I go into, I say, somebody should give me $10. I want $10. One of the Hillary Clinton's immediately gives you $10 and says, I love giving you money. Are the Hillary Clinton's just the Johns from Crooked Media?

They're the Johns from Crooked Media who got surgery to look like Hillary Clinton. Yeah, they're the Johns. Yeah, they're like, it's like a gang of Elvis impersonators, but instead it's Hillary Clinton's. I say, thank you. You're welcome.

Now someone give me $20. Yeah, uh, uh, somebody takes $20 away from Patrick. No. Everyone sort of shuffles their feet and they're kind of like, he didn't, do he eat the guy? Or does he, I don't know. I turned him into the nephew. Yeah, you're yelling this at a, you're two feet tall, yelling this at all the gang members. Jamal, Jamal slide you a Pib Cosby.

Ah, that's all I needed. I give my $10 to Jim. And I say thank you. He says, anytime, boys, thanks for taking care of those punks. I give the $17 I found outside to, Jamal, in exchange for a six-pack of Pib Cosby. He's like, that's usually $20, but okay. And then I pull my gun on Jamal and try to rob him of all the money I just gave him. Okay, roll an intimidation check with advantage.

I pull my shotgun. Okay, 19. Yeah, he's absolutely, you don't know where worms shit, right? But you can swear he's shat out of wherever that is. And gives you all the money back. Okay, the back. I don't want any trouble. You guys are crazy.

So now I have $127. Thanks, fellas. All right, let's get to sell. I turn Caleb into pickle Rick. No. Yeah, that works automatically. What? Why?

I asked you if that was okay. Yeah. So you're, he still has his money. He's just, you're just pickle Rick for like, I think 10 minutes now. Okay.

I pick up Caleb, I put him in my back pocket and then I sit down at the bar for a while. Okay, yeah. So you guys sit at the bar, he transforms back

into a giant demon with alien wear on his back in your pocket. I break the pocket. Oh, my pocket. And, yeah, I was going to make the exact,

decision. You guys walk back to see Sullivan the frog and he says I heard what you guys did to the uncle and he looks at Blotas says I heard what you did to the uncle but thank you so much. Excuse me Sullivan

I also helped I look at the camera and I say that's what I call Uncle food cake and then I say like Angel food cake after that roll a performance check let's see how this goes. All right That's a 10. Yeah, it's like, okay.

It's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you see, have you ever seen the show community? Yeah, you act, that one of the, uh... You act like Justin Long. Yeah, you act like Justin Long. Like that level of actor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you're Justin Longing it.

It's pretty okay. I'll take that good enough for me. Yeah. Justin longing it, though, is when you get blown by a man to see if he'd on a kayak. That's getting your Justin longed. That's what that is, folks. Yeah, thanks. So, anyway, yeah, the frog talks to you.

He says, yeah, that was, yeah, I'm pretty impressed with all of you. I'll help you out now. And he sort of, he takes a, he grabs one of your cyber maps. And he says, now look over here. See, there's a tunnel over here. Now, not a lot of people know about it, but if you go through there and you follow this, he like sort of points at like a place on the cyber map. He says, if you follow this, you'll be able to come topside and without anybody really noticing.

The only thing is, this is the poster, it's underground. There's a lot of freaks there, so you're just going to have to be careful. Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Okay. All right. I'm scared of shit. Yeah, Patrick's scared of shit, me, you know, cool-headed as ever. I grabbed Sullivan by his lips, and I say, All right, you funky little frog, you're coming with us.

Time is running out. Will our heroes be able to delete the Kramer video before the world's biggest computer finishes updating to Windows Fogo? Find out next time on Gun City. Operation Soluccio Darkbrain. I'm going to be.