Podcast About List - Ep. 100 - GUN CITY Part 2

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

The clock is ticking! Will Ray William Johnson, Blotoss Piss, and Patrick Yoda reach the world's biggest computer and delete the Kramer video before time runs out? Or will they get their asses Punk'd by Ashton Future right in the hole between the cheeks? There's only one way to find out and that's to listen to PODCAST ABOUT LIST: EPISODE 100: GUN CITY: OPERATION SOLUTIO DARKBRAIN: PART 2. Please please follow our awesome Duncheon Masta Patches on twitter @senator_gun and shower him with compliments he deserves it. And subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist because it's the right thing to do. Character art done by the very talented and awesome @kaiklops. SOUND EFFECTS USED (HAVE TO LIST THIS FOR COPYRIGHT REASONS): https://freesound.org/people/pfranzen/sounds/393745/https://freesound.org/people/Iwiploppenisse/sounds/156031/https://freesound.org/people/tim.kahn/sounds/22627/https://freesound.org/people/guitarguy1985/sounds/70938/https://freesound.org/people/qubodup/sounds/205588/https://freesound.org/people/NoiseCollector/sounds/67376/https://freesound.org/people/Qat/sounds/114683/https://freesound.org/people/kwahmah_02/sounds/316658/https://freesound.org/people/bone666138/sounds/198876/https://freesound.org/people/peridactyloptrix/sounds/196097/https://freesound.org/people/juskiddink/sounds/140867/https://freesound.org/people/Ferrettomato/sounds/383439/https://freesound.org/people/nicholaswyoung2/sounds/245423/https://freesound.org/people/JarredGibb/sounds/219031/https://freesound.org/people/SieuAmThanh/sounds/514385/https://freesound.org/people/kuzyaburst/sounds/196120/https://freesound.org/people/DWOBoyle/sounds/145701/https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/394414/https://freesound.org/people/thanvannispen/sounds/9429/https://freesound.org/people/EMSIarma/sounds/108852/https://freesound.org/people/Alternicity/sounds/133101/https://freesound.org/people/cemagar/sounds/120341/https://freesound.org/people/G_M_D_THREE/sounds/454649/https://freesound.org/people/GowlerMusic/sounds/266566/https://freesound.org/people/gprosser/sounds/360942/https://freesound.org/people/JavierZumer/sounds/257229/https://freesound.org/people/Kneeling/sounds/448004/

Oh my god, don't stop, don't stop, I'm almost there. Whoa, hey, who are you? You're listening to Gun City, Operation Solutiono Dark Brain, Part 2. If you haven't heard, part one, go back and listen to it, you dumb, wet bitch. I mean it, I'm telling you, turn this off right now, before I go psycho, before I was psycho in your ass. So anyway, yeah, the frog talks to you. Yeah, I'm pretty impressed with all of you. I'll help you out now.

He grabs one of your cyber maps, and he says, Now look over here. There's a tunnel. If you go through there, you'll be able to come topside, and without anybody really noticing. The only thing is, this is the poster, it's underground. I'm scared of shit. Yeah.

Okay, Patrick's scared of shit. I grabbed Sullivan by his lips. All right, you funky little frog. You're coming with us. What? Uh, okay. Uh, can I just, can I just go pee first? Absolutely not.

Lead the way. Oh, geez. And, uh, yeah, so you, you sort of grab Sullivan. You tell him to lead the way. And so he does. He, he sort of a scared, walks you guys to the tunnel. Um, Yeah, and you see it's just, like, huge, like, opening, like, squirled away, way in, like, the deep, deep, deep parts of the, of Guns Titty.

You see a guy out there who, outside of it, just like one guy who's going like, ghag, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, gh, oh, fuck. Oh, I know that noise. I know who that is. And, uh, he's just sort of, like, like, freaking all over the place and doing, doing to worm and just, like losing he's doing to worm he's just like absolutely freaking out um and solven says well this is it but uh if you if you guys you know uh you know good luck i guess in there uh i put solvin in my pocket okay um yeah he just easily goes in there he's so scared i fed him a cracker yeah he's like he's like terrified and then he's like kind of like oh i think it kind of like

kind of happy he gets a cracker um it's a small it's an oyster cracker too it's not that big of a crack oh thanks man you know us little guys got to stick together that's what i always say it looks big in our hands because of how small we are that's right um yeah he's like he's like kind of like oh what of those days like just like getting uh carted around yeah so you guys want to go into the uh the posters underground yeah yeah fuck it let's go and as we as we as we walk in Patrick looks really scared he's turning white like a sheet and I say I look at the camera and I say man

he looks like he just saw a post yeah so that's an automatic one so what does he say so the producers of the movie are crying because he lost so much money on the movie yeah no he says it perfectly it's just such a dog shit line it's one of the worst

that invites will be a one no yeah so you guys walk towards that you pass by whoever this guy is going you just pass by him, I don't know and you enter into the posters underground so you know

underneath Gun City is an abandoned tunnel, right? That's what this is. It's filled with freakers and Luddites anti-tech Freakazoids. The scruous scum this side of ebaum. The habitable parts of it are known as the Posters Underground, a lawless criminal

shit stain that some of the toughest gun gunks and the slums won't go near. It used to be an underground railway system, the last government-run project to exist in Gun City, before Stacom's fully took control and officially privatized democracy. Now the tunnel acts as a makeshift

sewer system after the previous one collapsed from all the fucking shit inside of it. The brighter neons above ground become long, dim streaks of lazy blue, coasting down the sides of the tunnel walls, flickering in and out, revealing the creepy creatures,

and the nasty stinkers that lurk and do their dirty deeds. The creatures are one thing, but the black depth... Oh, that word is just awful. The black depths, for my list, of the posters underground means our heroes can't see shit. But Lord knows they'll be stepping in it. I was happy with that. Oh, my God.

Yeah. You guys are here. You sort of hear, like, drip drops. You hear, like, little, like, little snickering from all these techno-slim-addicted weird. You thought the slums were bad. This is just like, like not even the mad suckler goes down here. Okay.

I'm seeing all these freaks geeking off that freaky deaky shit. And it reminds me that I actually have a bit of a techno slime habit myself. And I need to recharge. So I start puffing on that, on that Cheba. Yeah, I'm, I've been out of techno. Yeah, you know what? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Wait.

Wait, boys, boys, I had the. most insane idea. Who wants to sesh? Oh, yeah. I'm ready to sesh right now. I still have all my... Some of that good, good. Sullivan the Frog is only 14 years old,

but we're gonna let him smoke with the big. We're gonna make you hit that techno bong till you fall sideways, you pussy bitch. We're all 19 years old and we're letting a 14 year old smoke with us. I'm 37. In frog years Yeah, that's right

In frog years Oh yeah, I forgot Yeah, you all take Technoslimes So all of you roll a D20 Okay All right Yeah, I don't even need to recharge my points

I'm just doing it because I like You're just an addict I got it too I got a two I also got a two Okay So All right

This is where the Folks at home This is where the techno slime addiction system comes in. So, on your first failure, so you guys all sort of inject that techno slime, and then you also smoke it. It's like a weird double way to take the drug. Blow toss and Ray William Johnson. You only get half your points rounded down. So you guys only recover two points.

And you're going to have disadvantage on your decks rolls for the next in-game hour. No. Okay. Okay. I pause for a minute and I say What's the 27 club? We ain't making it best 21. Yeah, you're like kind of woozy.

You're kind of out of it. Yoda, you take it like a fucking champ. You've done so much more in your time. I'm a big street. Yeah, yeah, this is easy stream for you. But you two guys, you guys are going to be pretty messed up What did Sullivan the Frog get? Oh, yeah, let me see how he did.

He doesn't have any moves, right? He'll die in one hit. He'll die him from one hit of techno slime. No, he's okay. He's vomiting. I take him out of my pocket. I don't want him vomiting in my pocket. He's like, oh, God, oh, geez.

This reminds me of a frog college. I pick I pick out the cracker from the throw up and I eat it Okay I set Sullivan I set Sullivan between my horns Okay yeah

He's sort of woozily in between your horns And just sort of like hanging in there Yeah what does it feel like to get fucked up on techno Oh my God it's a rush like none other I can see numbers in my head for me actually all it does is it gives me a boner it's literally all it does for me it feels like I got a brain freeze

but if my brain was hot instead of cold okay if you get a hot brain amazing okay cool that's that's that's yeah for for uh solid it it just makes him vomit a lot and thinks a little bit more about his dad and how he misses his dad Um, yeah, so you guys are, yeah, you guys are sort of walking through the tunnels, um, following the, uh, the...

Did you guys know that Wizard of Oz syncs up with the Pink Floyd album? I just had to blow Sullivan's brain real quick. Yeah, Sullivan, Sullivan is sort of just like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, man, dark side of the moon. Check it out. I'm serious. There's no way. I have a torrent of it, of it already precinct. Yo, so hit me with that shit.

You want to watch it? Absolutely. We can watch. We spend an hour. It's like 10 p.m. you have till midnight. You guys just take an hour and a half watch the dark side of the food. It takes us 30 minutes to figure out how to sink it up. the audio is already sunk up

all right we spend 30 minutes yeah trying to sync it up and then we give up we don't actually watch it at me so it's only I'll just listen on my iPod yeah so it just gets us to 1030 he has an iPod classic yeah

he has an iPod video yeah he has the limited edition U2 iPod touch and all the songs on it are Pink Floyd and U2 it's one it's money by Pink Floyd and all of U-2's entire discognomy. Yeah, he's just listening of that and vomiting whenever U-2 comes on.

And, yeah, so you guys reach sort of like a fork in the tunnels. And Sullivan sort of like wakes up a little bit out of his stupor and looks at the sort of the cyber map. He's like, uh, hum, he's sort of like fiddling with it. And he's like, it doesn't seem to be a clear direction on which one to take. What? Oh, no. This is your job, Sullivan.

I know, I know, man. Oh, my God, it's sound like my fucking tan. No. Well. Sullivan, Sullivan, what happened with your father? Well, it's a long story, but... Well, we have until midnight. We have an hour and a half.

Okay, whatever. I'll tell you. I'll tell you later. I'll write it down. I'll write it down now. And then I'll hand it to you later. then he starts writing it down then he started like I was like

but uh which which direction do you think we should go what are the options what yeah what's on the left so you guys can do a few things you guys can like like also like do like uh investigation or perception checks sort of see investigate around oh I would like could I use could I want to

I want to take wait yeah whose mind do you want to read oh okay I thought I could use Yoda's mind to do wait I want to The enemy around the corner. I want to take my... I say, hey, Patrick.

What? And then I say, no, I'm talking to my monkey name, Patrick, which I forgot about until right now. Your monkey sucks. And I say, hey, Patrick, can you run down the tunnel on the left and check what's down there and come back? So the monkey just starts to sort of run down the tunnel on the left. He's chipping out. Yeah, he's chipping out. He's flipping out.

out. He's checking his DMs. Ape chat's blown up. He's sending selfies. And he comes back to you and he sort of just like kind of like shrugs and like, he didn't like really see anything down there. Non-monkey Patrick. Read his mind. Tell me what he's saying.

I'm reading his mind right now. Okay. He said that he went down. Hold on. So I like your style, man. Hold on. He was fast and lose like a cowboy. Roll a D20. Oh, no, actually don't.

I'll roll a charisma saving throw, actually. I forgot, I made all yours like that. Okay. Let's see. He's going to, monkey is not very charismatic. Yes. An exception among monkeys. Yeah, yeah.

You're able to read his mind perfectly. And the monkey is thinking, like, banana, banana, banana. Banana, banana. Banana banana banana banana. I didn't see anything down there. Banana banana banana. Banana banana. But I thought maybe banana banana banana.

There was some kind of guy, banana, banana, banana. Some guy, banana, banana, banana. Weird hair, weird head. Banana banana. Trying to find a shit. What did his hair look like? So, yeah, you infer, but that's what he was thinking about. Yeah.

For some reason I imagine As soon as Patrick uses his power Everybody can hear Yeah, Patrick Yoda Patrick is acting like a conduit for the monkey Yeah, Patrick Yoda listens to him And he says Banana Banana Banana Banana Banana

Sort of like Banana Banana Banana Blue Swirl Blue Swirl, Blue Swirl Banana Banana Banana Oh no A Blue Jack Frost Could that Could that be the blue Grinch? A blue swirl?

Should we go down? I freak the fuck out and I run full speed toward whoever that is. You went left? Yeah. If there's a guy with blue spiral hair, I'm going to kill him. I don't follow. Patrick, we should follow. Ah, okay.

Okay, man. I wanted to go the other way. All right. Well, let's follow. him. You guys run down the side. You hear creepy creatures

snickering as you run by and you sort of come across what looks like the blue Grinch but when he turns to face you, he has a regular guy face. What?

Not a Grinch face at all. Oh. And he says to you, hello, my name is Benicio. Oh my God. Okay. I doubt. I just download the old image macro of the owl, and it says, oh, really, at the bottom?

I just download it and look at it for a little bit. I show Penicio, my hoverboard, Penicio does not like it, and I don't know where to go from there. I say hello. I'll just say hi. You brave bastard. You guys look like a couple of, uh, And he looks up at the frog or a quad. You guys look like a group of guys. Maybe would be interested in some techno slime. Oh, shit.

He knows us too well. Yeah. Absolutely. Ah, crap. I just got some of the best stuff on the market. Benicio style. What are we talking? O.G. Bubba Cush?

Some of that wacky tapy? I'm talking. Tupac Shakur. Tupac Shakur went to jail for rape Kush. That's what I'm talking about. Everyone, he sort of starts to rant about how everyone seems to forget about that. I'm going to stop you right there because I love California. Love.

So we'll take the whole batch. Okay, yeah. So he, uh, yeah, he, he hands you it. says, he says, that's going to be $30. That's not even that. I mean, that's basically, I got 27 from Jamal, so I just give him my

real questions. I just give him 30 bucks. And he now says, he hands it over to you, and then he pulls out a walkie-talkie. And he says, we got him. What? And no. Out from the darkness

comes, none other, then Michael Rappaport Oh This always happens to me I hate when this happens Dressed in full cyber cop regalia And it says on his helmet It says on his helmet joke police

And he He says he Good job Panicio Yo that's badass That's totally whackass cool And he holds out his fist for a fist bump and Panicio bumps his fist. And he says,

You fools think you could come down here and buy techno slime? Yeah, right. Not with these streets. Not where I'm from. He's very, he's pasty white. Okay. He's translucent, his skin. You can look through it.

Wait, I have an idea. I have an idea, too. Okay, go ahead. Download the Martin Scurly Wu-Tang album. Okay. Wait, I don't have access to the internet. Why? Oh, you're able to do that.

I am. Okay. Okay. To download. All right, let's see. All right. We have to do that. Intelligence.

I roll, oh, fuck, I roll 24. Oh, yeah. You download the whole thing. You download the B-side to that album. Right. And then I also, I also, I have a built-in printer. You get Martin Schrelli's creepy posts about that one girl. I have a built-in printer on my backpack, and I print out a Willy Wonka

golden ticket that says inward pass he starts Michael Rappaport starts frothing at the mouth you want this you want this you little white bitch yo I'm maybe I don't know maybe what's in it for me how about we forget this whole thing ever happened hmm I don't know

I do like to arrest people who think it's okay to make jokes Okay, I print out a second inward pass Okay And he's like Just blz, blz, blz, right on top of the second person You're destroying the inward pass economy Edward pass machine gober Roll a what pass

Roll a persuasion with advantage Fuck eight Oh roll you can roll twice And they were both five Damn, okay Yeah, he's like Hmm, nice try, but I'm, I, I'm never, no way. Anyway, I'm about to do some hip hop keto on your ass.

Yeah, roll for initiative, guys. Damn. Oh my God, parody, parody, parody, I was so close to. I was so close to saving us from this guy. Oh. I got a 21. I got a 1. I got a 19.

You got a 1? I got a 1. I got a 19 You're the fastest guy in the West usually Who got 19? Me

Nice What'd you get Pat I got a 1 Oh Pat got the 1 Camer what'd you get 21 Oh it's so different Than when I was writing

Okay Let's see how fast Michael Rapoport is He's with the quickness He's not that fast Penicio is Cowering away He's just sort of an informant

All right Yeah Okay, cool Yeah So you guys fight him Cameron, you go first Okay, I want to grab Penicio by his hair

And swing him around Over my head And throw him at Michael Rappaport Absolutely, roll a strength check To see if you I mean, you could grapple him He's like a civilian I'm not even gonna tell you to that

Okay You just grab him And swing him around And yeah Now roll I would say roll a Dexterity attack so like what you would roll for the Grinch gun basically roll that

for the Grinch gun okay yeah an attack or a or a damage just for an attack so just like plus five okay um that's a 24 yeah you absolutely hit him you wallop him roll now roll a 1d6 and add uh now just roll 1d6 straight 6 nice yeah so you throw uh you whip around Panicio who is just like, oh, no, not again. And you can get thrown directly into Michael Rappaport's chest.

And Michael Rappaport falls over on his back. He's not prone. I'm going to say that that happens because that was a very cool move. Yeah, you still have stuff you can do, so we want to do it. Okay, I want to use my Yo Mama ability to insult Michael Rappaport and cause him psychic damage. So I want to, I stand over him and I say, hey pal more like Michael

Crapaport oh shit okay he's got a roll let's see how he's not going to do too hot at this my spell check corrects it to Michael Crap report and that gets saved to the dictionary he

he does okay he roll 4D4 and he's going to take half of that damage he sort of brushes it off. He's like, I've heard worse. One time, a monster sent me his giant penis. And I freaked the fuck out.

I rolled 13. Okay, yeah. So he takes, uh, yeah, he takes like six damage. Uh, yeah, it still hurt his feelings. Like, you know, he doesn't like being, uh, called that. Does he cry? So, yeah, he's, he's not looking, he's, he's, he's not happy about that. Uh, no, his upper, his lower lip starts to quiver, but he doesn't cry. What lower lip, you fucking punk-ass little bitch? Oh, damn.

Take that shit. Take that shit, bitch. Hell yeah. And it is now, with that sweet-ass insult, it is now your turn, Caleb. I stand in front of a stalactite that's poking somehow out of the side of the cave sewer system kind of thing that's going on. And I hold in front of it a Jamaican flag. as if I'm a matador baiting a bull and I dangle it and I say

Mriba Reba Reba And I try to I'm gonna You'll see what I do Okay yeah Let's see he's gonna try to resist that

That's pretty tempting though So let's see how he does I'm gonna give him disadvantage on that for sure He is Oh my God He's simply unable to resist Every bone in his body needs to charge that flags.

He charges, he charges, he's completely unaware of what we're doing. He gets up from the ground and charges. Yeah, he says that. And I don't, but he says that. So right before he gets to the flag, I pull it out of the way and he runs into the stalactite. He absolutely does. Let's see how much damage he takes.

He's going to take quite a bit, I think. Yeah, he takes a solid 10 damage from that. He just gets his head just like, doong, like Looney Tunes, like he's got a big bump. He looks right at the camera and he's like, he's like making a face. Uh-huh. Yeah, does he have birds flying around his head? Yeah, he's, the birds flying around his head. They're all blackbirds, believe it or not.

So, yeah. Which makes sense because it's his imagination. So, yeah, he's, they're the, they're the, they're the black people Twitter Reddit icon. of the Twitter bird with a Yankee's just like he says under his breath Liz Lemon style I want to go to there And yeah so yeah no you do that to him Now it is I believe it's actually his turn Yeah so he gets up from that he's pretty pissed off

And he looks at you guys You're trying to make a fool out of me I'm about to make a fool out of you Let me show you my hip hop key So he goes to He starts to break dance And screams And screams New York style And he starts to

Spin around And let's see how he does Let's see he knocks you Knocks you out No he can't He hasn't hit you So he starts spinning around his head But you pretty easily get out of the way

But then he sort of gets up And then tries to hit you with Brass knuckles that are the same ones from Do the Right Thing He tries to punch you with those Okay He succeeds

He's gonna... Oh fuck Yeah Yeah he does four damage though He just sort of like knocks you on the head Sullivan the Frog Who's sitting on top of your head

Manages to hold on But just barely Manas just to hold on to your horns After you get knocked in the head Um Yeah And Now it is

is your turn, Patrick. All right, so what I'm going to do with my techno-slam points, I'm going to play the bass, and I'm going to play fucking, I'm going to play, uh, I'm going to play, uh, I'm going to play, what's that fucking Snoop Dogg's, fuck, God damn it. Uh, uh, I'm going to play, ain't nothing but a G-thing.

What's that Snoop Dog song? You know, that one, ain't nothing but a G thing. I'm gonna play that at Michael Rappaport, but also... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to get, it's to distract him, but also to give... Because he can't stop grooving once he hears it. No, he can't, yeah. He says this is real New York hip-hop.

Yeah, yeah. Just not knowing any, he doesn't know anything about Snoop Dogg, it turns out. Yeah, uh, yeah, let's see. Um, yeah, he's unable to resist. So yeah, yeah, you're, you guys are gonna, um, he's gonna have basically, uh, he's gonna, he's gonna, basically get an auto hit the next person who hits him. Because you have advantage and he's grooving too hard. Um, he's losing it. Uh, uh, uh, you guys are gonna be able to crush him. So you're up, you're up, Cameron. What do you do? Blow toss. I go creature mode. And I, I, I beat him, I beat him up. I hit him on the top of the head and the bottom of the butt.

All right, do it. Um, all right, uh, let's see. That's a, it's 24. Yeah, you have, yeah, you do that. Roll for damage. Um, whoa. 20 damage. Max damage. Yeah, describe how you squish Michael Rappaport between your two pipes to death. Yeah, so I hit him on the top of the head and he-parody, parody.

he reverberates like a gong and then while he's he's shaking around I hit him on the bottom of the butt and it he flies up and he splatters on the on the ceiling of the tunnel and he just makes he makes like he's like a flat like just like Nickelodeon splatter with the face on the top of the tunnel and he says yeah oh man ha ha yeah he uh yeah he splats on top and he falls down to the ground and he see two little feet come up below him and he starts to waddle away and then out of the darkness you see some sort of

beastly hairy looking naked man with a huge swinging dick swing by out of nowhere and just scoop him up into the darkness and he's gone just like that

good riddins buddy yeah so yeah so now it's just us and Panetian Penicio? Yeah. Can I... Can I... Can I... He was like... Uh, please, please don't hurt me!

I grab Panicio by the lapels and I say, uh, tell us the way to the main city, right now, or I'll turn you into Nickelodeon. Okay, yeah, you don't have to roll an intimidation check. He's totally scared. He's like, just, just keep, just keep going, going straight. And then the, the, the, the third right, you can get there.

I'm not even Spanish. I was just trying to do a thing. Did you say the third Reich? Are you a Nazi? No, no, no, I didn't, I didn't say that. Yeah, you start beating him up. He's like, I'm not canceled. I'm not canceled. And he's like crying. Yeah, you beat him up. He's a total bloody pulp. I don't know if you took any information, but he said your third, your third right, the third right tunnel, the third entrance. So yeah, you guys now know your way out of here. You guys beat up these guys who are both alive now.

They're both alive and just squished. Yeah. So you guys keep walking and you see. We know where to go now. Yeah, you see them. Wait, wait, wait, can I check on Sullivan? I just want to see how Sullivan's doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what do you say? Hmm.

A little buddy. How are you? I got a little rattled when he punched you with the love hate, the love hate, you know, brass knuckles, but I'm doing okay otherwise. Still a little woozy from the techno song, but I could use some more of that if you're willing to say. Here, this will have. help. I give him a pill that is, it's pressed and it says

Rehif Nahl on it. Okay. Yeah, he takes that. Okay. Yeah, he takes that. And he's, he is, his eyes like, just like, go wide as shit. He's just like, yeah, he is.

That's right, you little fucking frog. Yeah. He's just like, yeah, he's just like, like, staring, straight ahead now with his eyes wide as hell and he's like I can dig it and he's just totally calm

alright then we continue yeah yeah you guys keep going and you find that third right which makes no sense the more I say it and it's just like a tunnel outcropping the creepy creatures scurry away they see the light of the main city

and you guys see a ladder and you go up the ladder you end up in the main city Um, so this is the main area of Gun City. So it's Gun City proper. Whoa. The streets. All right.

First thing, first thing I do now that we're here, I want to get an authentic Gun City bagel. Yeah, you can do that. Um, uh, hold, wait, I'm going to read, I'm going to read the description. I wrote. And then, go, go ahead. And then I'll get a, I don't get a bagel. No, you don't have to.

It's okay. Uh, yeah, uh, gun city proper. The streets, a terrible chrome. Haunted by, should you do the voice? Oh, so do the voice. Do the voice. You do the voice. Hell yeah. Gun city proper. The streets.

A terrible haunting black. With the hulking hovercars cruising by, the wealthy denizens walk by in their aluminum tube tops and their high quality, authentic master cheap replica suits. The air is sickeningly. clean, the sky is clouded with holograms of awesome-looking Japanese women trying to sell you luxury underwear that you can shit in while you work. The neons are bright, vibrant, reflecting, creating a picturesque desktop background or cover photo of your lamest friend. Everyone here is proud of their brands and proud of their work. There is only 1% unemployment. Almost everyone

works in consulting or defense. Only the true creative minds get to rule as social media managers of brand accounts acting as de facto lords of gunn city besides that awesome music by megadrive or whatever we hear their best posts from these brands broadcast throughout the city i'm depressed lall you hear cracker barrel say ohmg what's wrong replies rathion and everyone in gunn city loves it so that's where you are wow my god okay um now you've finish your little thing, I get a bagel. Yeah, you can get the fucking bagel. Okay.

Yeah, so yeah, you go to the authentic Gun City bagel store. Yeah. You see a guy behind the counter. He's dressed like those... Can I do an ethnicity check? Yeah, sure. Yeah, roll for ethnicity. Okay. That's going to be actually, roll for, that's going to

be an insight check. Okay. I get a... You get pretty good insight. I get an 18. Okay, yeah. You can definitely definitely tell he is a gun city resident. Okay. That's all I'm allowed to say legally. Okay.

All right. So what I know, I know that this is a real true, authentic gun city bagel. Yeah, yeah. He looks up at you and he says, what can I get your boss? That's right. That's that Gun City accent I was looking for. All right. I say, uh, one bagel, please actually make it too.

And can you flatten it out as if it could fit into a ZD drive? Hey, coming right up. Not like me to yuck a yum. And he just takes out two bagels. It just takes out a rolling pin and starts rolling them completely flat and hands them to you. And he says, these are free on the house. Welcome to Gun City. Whoa.

Yeah, that's right. Wow. That's right. You got it. Okay, and then I turn I don't say thank you, I turn around and I leave Yeah Okay, yeah, so you can leave the Gunn City bagels

And actually, actually I don't eat the bagels, I keep them I'm going to keep them in my pocket I think they might come in handy later Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, you keep them in your pocket, you store them And you look in the distance in the city You could see the giant social media manager Who looks like he's like 33 maybe and his dad is, you know, maybe runs the firm that manages the account.

You see that guy, a giant mega, megazord sort of looking thing. Just a little bit down the block. Yeah, so you guys can probably make it there pretty easily. Whoa. Right down the block. Okay, well, wait, hold on. Wait. Okay, we could easily walk there, but we are in Gun City after all.

How about we take the subway? Yeah, that's a good idea. It's a great idea. I mean, how many times in your life will you be in Gun City? Probably a lot. Probably just now. You see a guy says, not many. That's right, guy.

Yeah, yeah. It gives you a thumbs up. Yeah, so you guys go down to the subway. You see it's being patrolled by a lot of Jolly B cops and, uh, I hop the turnstile. Okay. Roll a, uh, stealth check. All right, 12. Yeah, one of the Jolly B cops kind of sees you do that, and he sort of goes up to you.

He goes, hey, what are you going? Where do you think you're going? I run up and I say, help, help, this monkey is trying to steal my money. And I'm point to the monkey on my shoulder and I make it Patrick the monkey run away. And I say, hey, Jolly B cop, go chase that monkey for me. me please this is so urgent roll deception check okay with advantage with advantage um yeah oh that's a nat 20 oh shit yeah that cop uh the monkey runs and that cop says i'm gonna quit my job and become a monkey chaser and like takes off his police outfit and starts chasing that chasing patrick the monkey

around um like uh sort of around in circles like in a cartoon i also hop the turn style. Well, you guys are fine now. Yeah. You guys can sort of just get through now. Yota can just walk underneath it. Yeah. Yeah. You take the train into the city. What letter is it? Beta is the letter. It's a Greek alphabet. Perfect. Gun City. Yeah. Yeah. You take the beta train. You see all the very beautiful, wealthy, subservient residence of Gunn City with their they look

pleasantly happy you know that phrase pleasantly happy okay all right I start doing a subway dancing performance where I use the poles to do a spin trick yeah I give them my lead pipes to do it

because I'm trying to make a little money I say ladies and gentlemen we are not here to ruin your commute we're here to make it better we are the the untold truth and then we all start break dancing

okay all of you roll a performance check okay oh no fuck yeah dude 23 natural 20 plus 3 I have a 1 Performing

did you get a natural 1? No okay a 2 minus 1 I got a 19 okay yeah We're about to leave you in the duns. Yeah, with your Nat 20, Ray William Johnson, describe what you do.

You have full range here. I do a hundred backflips in a row. And then I just start bouncing off the walls like flubber. And eventually I land on a guy's lap, right? Like that's after I've done all the bouncing. I land on a guy's lap, but then I sort of do like Jessica Rabbit's legs, and he gets a boner, and

he slips, he slips a $50 bill in my pocket. Absolutely, that all happens. Oh my God, I'm rich as fuck. Yeah, the $50 bill, yeah, and all of it happens. He actually immediately goes, I'd like to sign you,

us over here, over here had scrubbing bubbles, ink. We're looking for a new mascot. Okay, and you want a demon with a computer on his back? Yeah, sure, whatever. It gets clout, man, you know? Um, sorry, but I'm taken. Yeah, he shoots himself in the head.

Uh, yeah, uh, Patrick Yodo, you do some sweet-ass fucking skateboard tricks. Actually, you know, describe what you do? What do you do on the subway? I'm doing, I'm doing a handstand on the board, and I'm spinning. I'm spinning around in a circle. I'm doing a 1620 degree spin. Okay. And I'm doing that.

I'm doing multiple of those. And I'm doing them very fast. Okay. And I'm kind of just going up and down the train car, doing it really fast, and I'm hitting bags out of people's hands. Yeah, people are a little scared, but they're also, like, amazed by you. It's, they, they're having trouble even deciding. They're so intrigued. uh yeah uh blow toss piss in a rare moment of gracelessness you stub your toe trying to walk

and uh you just sort of like shrug and like sort of uh do uh do a little uh you do like a little uh little light gentle kick like ah all shucks yeah um yeah yeah yeah what do you say the camera though that's the biggest thing um i say uh oops Yeah, that's a 20. That's amazing. Yeah, you got it. Yeah. The producers are cheering. Yeah, they're coming. They're loving it. Yeah, so you guys arrive at the stop that's for the main Stakem's Federation of Bodies and Spaces HQ.

And you get out and you hear affirmations, remember to drink water as you leave the subway. And yeah, you get out. to the building. So in the building there's two wamps from Mario standing guard. You guys hear your PSPs and your

endgages ring. It is Ashton Futures. Yo, what's up guys? Whoa, looks like you made it pretty far. I can tell. So, you should have IDs to help you get through the first part of the security. I don't know much about

after that, but you better hurry up, you're making time, but who knows, you might get punked by me. I didn't really... Whoa. You know, that's just saying, and he turns off. Yeah. That's scary. I scream.

You scream, okay. Yeah, the womps sort of eye you as you're screaming. Patrick Monkey also screams along with you, like, at the same time. Yeah, I've trained him to do that. Yeah, something I didn't mention. Everything I say or do he acts out at the same time on my shoulder. Oh, yeah, he's been going on the whole time.

He caught monkey see monkey do. Yeah, he started eating, right. That's what that's called. He started eating the, he tried to eat the uncle too. He got a little nibble in there. Yeah, he got some bites. Yeah. Can we walk up to the thwamps and show our IDs?

Yeah, you can do that. Yeah, describe what you guys do. Tell me, tell me the process. Tell me what's up. Okay, well, I put the ID on a lanyer around my neck and I go up to the to the thwamp

and I put my ID in his mouth okay yeah he sort of is like yep that's the protocol and he he ultimately let you in I got it in one I am

I walk up to him and I slide my ID through his butt cheeks like Nelly in the tip drill video right like a credit card yeah he blushes um and lets you in as well yeah yeah yeah what about you you patrick yota i just uh i show it uh kind of fast uh you know just kind of like you know make it look like i've done this a million times and they

should know me already and alarm starts to go off yeah the womp goes like ohr and like sort of shrug, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know this guy. Oh, uh, yeah. Solvin the Frog sort of hides in, uh, hides in, uh, hides in, in the hard drive of your computer while you guys do this. Oh, yeah, I forgot I had Sullivan with, you downloaded Sullivan into your hard drive? I guess so, dear. He's had that kind of space.

He's digital now. Yeah, yeah, he's digital, he's digital, he's digital, he's digital, he's gone, Sullivan the frog has gone digital. Okay, I have a digital soul. All right, I'll remember this for later. I have a digital Sullivan the Frog in me. Yeah. Yeah, so you're in the lane lobby of the building, the main lobby of the building.

Yeah, you see, like, you know, posters in there that say stuff like, you know, get fucking pumped, you rock star, and it's a picture of slash. And you see, you can't pour from an empty cup, and it's a picture of a white woman who's just tired. And then you see another picture that says, another, like, motivational thing. It's like, self-care is better than feeding poor people. and it's in the Success Kid meme format. And you see this all around the building. You see a bunch of Stakem's logos. And you see Jolly B security guards doing this next part of the scan.

And a guy walks by you. And he says, oh, did you guys hear about the new protocol? Yeah, I have. Yeah, Patrick says yeah. I was just about to say that. I was just about to say Patrick says yes. Yeah, okay. Well, get ready. Because they now scan your face to see if there's any traces of irony in your body before letting you in. And, yeah, he walks in, he gets his face scanned. You see a perfectly smooth brain and a picture of a GIF or a GIF from Brooklyn 9-9 up here on the screen, and then a checkmark comes up, and he's a loud end.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Okay. So behind that area, there's a bunch of elevators. Okay, wait. Oh, no, keep going. Yeah, behind that area is a bunch of elevators to get in. There could be another way in. You'd have to probably look for it, though.

But that is sort of like the new protocol security measure put in since the attack on the Jollybee cop that got his head cut in half. Okay, so we did this ourselves. Here's what I do, right? I put, I pull my red and green fatigues, my jacket. I pull it up over my head. so it looks like I have no head and then I get Patrick the monkey to sit on top of my head so it's a monkey

and I go up and I say I'm really muffled from inside the jacket I say hey go ahead scan my face test for irony oh yeah roll a let's do roll a performance check with advantage I love that idea I'm just giving them out

okay that's 16 yeah it works I just think it's like a weird fucked up guy with a monkey face so yeah they scan the monkey face and it's a pick it's it's Patrick the monkey with symbols just on the screen so he's let right in

um yeah I'd say fuck you guys and I flip off Ray William Johnson and Patrick Gouda I don't think the sensors like that the sensors love it the sensors give uh they don't like it and the alarm starts going up Patrick dies

I'm sorry you're I don't think we make those decisions I don't think this game is just make them up saying it is now you could just do that, you know you could just record something and just say stuff I guess you're right

we could do that yeah so what do you guys want to do though Patrick what's you got what I'm going to do yeah Hmm All right, so what does the area look like? So, yeah, it's like a, basically a lobby with like a main entrance with like the scanners and a few Jollybee cops there.

Off to the right, you see just sort of more of a lobby area. If you want, you could do like an investigation check to see if you could find something. No, my investigation is negative two. Yeah, if you want, you can, you can, there's a few things you can do, right? You can, I mean, Yoda's mind could be helpful here, right, potentially. Yeah. But, you know, it's up to you what you want to do. Just say what you would want to do, and we could try to find out what they could happen.

Hmm. Insight. Okay. So what you can do is you can go up to the Jollybee cops and try to see what their motivation is. maybe see if you can get something out of them. Do I have to roll for that? Yeah, so we'll go up to them, yeah. Start a conversation.

Oh, natural 20 plus five, yeah. Natural 20 plus five. Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, your inside check is tied to Yoda's mind. So, yeah, so you do that, and so you read the Jollybee Guard's mine. And he's thinking, man, I can't wait to punch out the clock. I'm going to go home and jerk off to black.com. Love it.

Love that website. Nothing wrong with that website. Man, I hope this guy doesn't figure out that if you just make us scan the back of your head and say it's because it's actually racist to scan the front of your head, we'll just let him do that. He can just get in. Because if he asks that, I'm going to have to let him do that. Okay.

I love black. I'm going to. I'm going to do that. Yeah. So you, yeah, you, you, you say that it's racist and it's ablest to have your face scanned. And you, you threaten to cancel the Jolly B cop, which is the biggest, you know, like, that's like the most important currency in the Stakem's Federation of Bodies and Spaces, how you can weaponize being kind rather than the act of being kind. And so he immediately lets scans it back your head, and it just shows a question mark and you're allowed it. question that worked great okay is it my turn yeah if you want to okay um okay first okay i i i

panicked while he while patrick was learning all this stuff about uh how to scan the back of his head i panicked and i downloaded the scene from now you see me to where they slipped the card past the security checkpoint okay okay so i out of my pocket I pull an ace of spades that's right huge ACDC fan and

motorhead it's an ACDC song thank you very much no so I jury's still out you know I throw actually I'll do a check for that can I check can I do can I roll an intelligence check to see if that's ACDC

or motorhead yeah do a history check a history history is that a thing okay Live history. Yeah, I think it got it in the fucking bag. Yeah, that's right. 23, you fucking bitch. Yeah, so you know for sure, but it's ACDC. That is beyond the shadow of a doubt, an ACDC song. Yeah, and let me have nothing to do with it. Yeah, as that plays on Limewire on my brain, because I'm a fucking computer, I throw the Ace of Spades through the security checkpoint at one of my compatriots who slips it in their pocket, and then they throw it back at me.

look back at them and it slides between one of the security guards' legs and it just barely touches their clit as it passes through, right? Just pleasure. Just the tiniest bit. Just enough to get them excited, but not enough to make them do anything about it. All jolly bees have clits. And then, yeah, that's right. Big, juicy, meaty thumb clits.

And then as they're distracted, just having a tiny bit of a cum, just like a one-eighth of a cum right there at the security checkpoint, I jump up. I jump over the turnstile, again, because I'm so good at it. Okay. So, thinking of the rolls here. Okay. Is it an awesome skill? Because that's what that was.

First, you and Blotas Piss both roll athletic checks. Oh, no. Let's go. Oh, my athletics is good. 17. 17 as well. Whoa. Okay, great.

Yeah, you guys slide the card perfectly, and you do make that Jollybeak nut a little bit. just a little bit though so now I'm gonna need you to roll a stealth check to see if you can hop it stealth 7 okay

you slide the card back and forward make that Jolly be nut a little bit and then you just sort of like you do the thing where you like run up to a bar you forget to jump you just hit your yourself with like the gut and just tip over topwise and they're immediately on your ass.

You guys got to book it. Fuck, dude, I run to the elevators and press the up button a lot of times. Yeah, yeah, you guys are pressing it up, up, up, up, up, up, up, wait, wait, wait, wait, I find

whatever the head jellybee is and I start fingering it as, as deftly as possible. Just fucking rubbing that clip. Actually, I start eating it out. I start doing the George Carlin alphabet I'm filling with my tongue. So the Jollyby consents, and this happens.

Thank you for that. Any time. Thank you. You just save my life. Some professional DMs do. Yeah. So that Jolly B says, that's a good idea, but let's roll now still a performance check to see how well you do. Yeah, this is what the libs want, dude.

You want you to have to roll a performance check when you want to have sex. Okay, performance, I get a 16. Yeah, I mean, that Jollybee is like, you know, it's loving that. Yeah, yeah. And just sort of like starts to like gently squirt Jollybee sauce. Gently squirt. Yeah, she sprung a gentle squirt. Yeah, of Jollybee sauce, um, uh, whatever that is.

I don't think that's a sauce. They probably got a spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti sauce. Yeah. Yeah, you just, yeah, she just squirts out that spaghetti sauce. Yeah, and then I say, let us go. Let us go. Yeah, yeah.

She's quivering. The other Jollybees are too stunned to do anything. And you're able to get to the elevator. um yeah time yeah so you guys get into the elevator you're taking it up to the uh to the boardroom where you can find a entryway into the computer so you get to the top of the board room and it's this comically long uh ping pong table with bean bag chairs on top of it it's just a total mess of a shitty corporate work culture it's like a meditation area on top of the ping pong table makes no sense

and it's empty except there's a chair that's turned around and when you guys get there oh no that chair spins around and looks like somebody who was expecting you maybe and it's none other

than the CEO of Steakums Chuck Wendig oh oh on a leash and he has with him on a leash Mr. Bean Whoa

I would have never thought they would be working together That is fucked up Yeah And Chuck Wendig Yeah Oh that's part of the power And Chuck Wendig says

Now that feel When you flumpty flew All over your pants Raza Fraza was a woo My fellow boopty booze How's it what's it And Mr. Bean goes And Mr. Bean goes

And Chuck Wendig yanks at his collar, stop him from talking. Yeah, so, yeah, you hear Chuck Wendig say that. You turn around and you look behind you, you see actually behind a bulletproof super solid glass, the world's giant computer. The world's most giant. I start drooling. Yeah, it looks like a T.I. 83 calculator

but it has gams just like beautiful gams I look into the camera and I say Deadpool style I wonder how much porn you could download onto that thing

and then I wink and then I do a jack off motion with my hand wait I aping on blow toss pisses format I also look at the camera or at least my best approximation where the camera is

Right. And I say, I sure, I sure would love to, T.I.69, that thing. Yeah, you both do that. You sort of, that's pretty good. I think yours is pretty good. Both of you guys roll a performance check. Let's see who gets the biggest laugh. Okay. From the audience. I got a five. Okay. It's not great. I got a five as well. Okay. So, yeah, the audience is like kind of just upset. Okay. Yeah. I like the T.I. 69, though, personally.

I looked at the, I look at the camera and then I, it's just the top of your head, you're too short. I noticed that the camera, I notice that the camera is there for the first time and then I don't say anything because I don't say anything. You just like, you get like scared. Yeah, I'm too scared to say anything. Yeah, the audience loves that. They're eating that up. Yes, you see that behind you. You see also a bunch of like computer nerds updating it with OS, with Microsoft OS Vogel. And they all have gotten the very popular surgery in Gun City, which is a permanent soy face. So they're all doing that while they're updating it. And Chuck Wendig looks to you all and he says, You Flumpty Was a Wooz thought you could wiggle wom in my was it, was it? And he sort of like starts walking around the boardroom. I like he's going to give the speech from Network.

He said, you don't Flumpty Flues understand. You don't wuzzy-wasits and fuzzy guzzits I'm everything I am the beginning and the end The Alpha and the Omega If you are going to try To was-it-was-it my big computer You're going to have to guzzit-was-it

Go through me first And he yanks at Mr. Bean collar Mr. Bean hops up on the board table It starts charging at you guys going, like on all fours, like the fucking ring girl. And, yeah, let's roll for an issue. Let's just get right in. Let's go for it.

Yeah, I roll a two. I got a 10. I got an 8. Okay, let's see how Mr. Bean slash Chuck Wendig do. Okay, it did very well. Oh, no luck, dude. So Mr. Bean is charging at all of you. and he's going like

and kill me and he all of you guys roll dexterity saving throw I got six 22 zero

literally zero yeah roll the one I have minus oh you roll it crit failed okay yeah hold on wait let me

this is going so bad at the end yeah this is not an ideal way for this to go for you, I'm afraid. You managed to, so Mr. Bean runs up to you and he shoots out of his mouth, it looks like just like a bunch of like terrible

English food. Um, sausage, biscuits, crumpets, all those things in like a disgusting... Queen's goo. Poisonous spray. Yeah. And he goes like, and he shoots that out. Uh, you managed to get out of the way, blowtoss piss of it,

mostly. Uh, you too, Yoda. goes over your head. You, though, my fair friend, Ray William Johnson, you take... Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Take 15 damage. Oh, that puts me at negative 1 HP. Yeah, you're knocked. You're knocked out. Cold. Damn. You can be revived by people. We can go into that.

It'll basically require one of you guys to try to stabilize him, um which you can do does that a medicine thing yeah it's a medicine check okay I think you have pretty good medicine Patrick I'm gonna do yeah I'm gonna do you guys should do that because I have I have a I have an absolutely fatal blow I get track on specifically

Chuck Winding first time all right I'm rolling I'm rolling for a medicine check I got 10 yeah that's good enough he stabilizes that's exactly oh shit yeah so Caleb you Ray William Johnson what happens when like the life what what is like you almost dying do um and like what is it like when you come back so so mr bean

deletes system 32 and uh i have to i have to boot in safe mode and uh recover it okay and so now i'm now i'm recovering and the update it takes a couple minutes honestly like like they need to maybe stall for a minute before i can really get back in action right yeah because i'm i'm installing I'm installing Cortana You're installing, yeah It's overdrive You're installing Cortana You see in your mind's eye

Sullivan the Frog The computer program Slow dancing with Cortana As you're coming back to life I become jealous Yeah Jealousy check Yeah you wake in a jealous rage

With 1 HP Okay I have 1 HP now Yeah Okay Is it my turn or is it somebody else's It is it is Cameron's turn now Good job, Patrick Yoda. Thank you, Pat.

You're welcome. Mr. Bean's going to taste my rhesus pipe. I'm going to... Okay, wait. I look... Okay, first I use the Yo Mama. I insult. I guess this might...

Tell me if this counts as an insult. I look at Mr. Bean. I look at the camera and I hold the lead pipe like it's my weaner and I say, time to lay some pipe. Absolutely, that's an insult to Mr. Bean. He was sexless, yeah. So, yeah, I do that to him to cause psychic damage, to attempt to cause psychic damage. Okay, yeah, he's going to have to try to resist that.

He's not very wise, so you might be okay. Yeah, yeah, he's going to take it on the face. Roll for damage. Full damage. 12. Yeah, Mr. Bean, you say that to him, and he just sort of, like, goes like, and just sort of like trips over himself and just go like

and just like flops around and just like feels all kinds of bad. He's still alive but he like just like is very upset and just sort of just fuck you like under his breath. It is now Chuck Wendig's turn. He's going to seeing Mr. Bean get injured.

He unhinges his jaw. in anger and begins to charge up what looks like some sort of beam his tongue has become a giant sort of like laser cannon and he's going to

you guys are all going to roll dexterity saving throws again see if you can avoid he's literally going to shoot the whoop fuck wow you fucking read that shit it's a shoot to hoop I got 17 flops

I got a 9 is it wait was it Wasn't Schupe de wop racist? Was it racist? Yeah, dude, wasn't it blackface? Yeah, wasn't it like a Sambo? Wait, wasn't it? Oh, was it?

Was it? Dude, Chuck Windig is doing blackface, dude. I think all we need to do is take a picture. I had no idea. And then we beat him. Oh, I got a, wait, so it's a dexterity thing? Yeah, my dexterity is zero, but I got a 19. Nice, yeah.

You avoid it You avoid it It goes right over you again They keep just like misjudging your height Ray William Johnson You're lying on the ground So it's just like It just goes over you too

You blow toss You try to do some cool flippy Deadpool bullshit But it gets you And you take You take 15 damage also actually What comes out is a beam That it just literally set

It's just a beam That is shaped in the face of Lin-Manuel Miranda coming out of his mouth with like hearts in his eyes and you take 15 damage from that. So now it is your turn, Ray William Johnson. Do it.

All right. So I have one HP, right? I'm sort of on my last... Yeah. I'm on my last legs here. Yeah, you're not doing... So I'm going to pull out... I'm going to pull out the big guns.

Right. I'm going to use my move on Chuck Windig child porn upload. Okay. Yeah. Uh, yeah, describe child porn upload. What does it do? So, child porn upload is I, well, I suppose first I have to download it myself, a cache of child porn.

Right. It's cash. You're not looking at it. Yeah, exactly. I don't look at it. I close my computer eyes and then I directly send it via DDoS attack to Chuck Windig. And the point is that, the point is that in this future reality, I suppose that the, that the cops have sort of a,

they, the security state has increased to the point where they immediately know that somebody has child porn. It is the only good thing to come out of this world. Yeah, sort of, yeah, it's like Ron Paul's worst nightmare. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so roll a D20.

Yeah. Okay, yeah, plus the smoke cast modifier. plus sleight of hand 10 Okay Let's see if he notices He does not Okay Yeah

He doesn't notice He just doesn't His brain is feeling Here's the reason Here's the reason It's so normal for him That's why he doesn't notice It's absolutely just every day

He just had a pedophilic thought And it was nothing to him It was like imagining lunch Okay, yeah, so you upload child porn directly into Chuck Wendig In this fantasy realm Yeah, of course, in a fantasy realm Yeah And he says, what the fumpty, what the fuck?

And there is You hear sirens The cops are going to be there in a minute Yeah, we have one minute He freaks out He unhinges his jaw Even wider

No Oh my gosh Swallows Mr. Bean whole To turn into his final form Holy crap Which is None other than choking on Mr. Bean

and dying on the spot he just lays dead on the ground um yeah you guys beat Chuck Wendig the child porn Trump card really really just questioned it for right at the end I knew I had it in my arsenal and I uh I made sure to pull it right at the right moment

So the glass behind you sort of opens up, giving you full access to the T.I.83 with Gams. That is the world's biggest computer where all the information in the world is stored. Where the Kramer video is stored. Where you could finally destroy the Kramer video. And also do whatever else you want to do. It's a world's biggest computer. You guys have, while you guys have intimidated the nerds, they've run away. The cops will still be here in a minute. So you have a minute to delete the video, and then you have to find a way out. I will say that it is in a room that is just like a glass room overlooking the entire city at the top of the giant social media manager robot's head. So you guys have a minute. What do you guys want to do? Okay, before we go on, I have to point out somehow during this whole thing, I don't know when this happened. I started bleeding on my hands I have no idea when this happened

Oh my god Dude what the fuck I don't I have no clue I don't know what I did But somehow during While we were at some point When my HB went to 1

Dude I began bleeding in real life Dude you're in the fucking game dude Oh my god The game is real Okay with that said I start eating the computer's pussy. Yeah, okay.

If it has games, it has something in between, and I just start going to town. You got it. You're right. Yeah, you start eating at the computer consents, and you start eating the computer's pussy. Computer loves it. Computer is enjoying it very much. While he's doing that, at the exact same time, I go, I open up Internet Explorer 5,000, and I navigate to blowtosspiss.com, and I open up my profile, and I see that it has

99 likes, and I click on from the world's biggest computer, I click on the like button, and it upgrades my website to the next level. Yeah, you get 100 likes in your profile. And when everyone sees the world's biggest computer liked it, it starts flooding with likes. You get 100 likes, 200 likes, 300

likes. Can we go for 400? You get 400. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The world's biggest computer is very popular. because of the law it has to be. So people are losing their minds. They love your profile.

This is huge for you. It's really hard for me to... I miss clicking the like button several times because the computer is quaking from Ray William Johnson down below. Right, yeah. Yeah, so you hit comment a few times. You accidentally write like, you accidentally write like gibberish. But those comments get like a thousand likes immediately.

Right. Yeah. Which, I mean, a comment like is worth... half of a like A thousand words That's right A comment's worth a thousand words While all this is happening

I go into the computer You go into How so describe this I go in Side Okay Yeah you do And I have a

I have a SD card with me God damn And I create a backup Of the Kramer video I delete it from the computer Okay I want you to roll a stealth check to see if these two notice

Okay That you have a backup of the grammar video Or if it's your little secret I got a one You go into the back of the computer And you actually lean on what looks like a megaphone Like speaker And you start muttering

Gee, I hope my friends don't notice that I downloaded the backup of the Kramer video. So they just hear that. But you have a backup, you deleted the main Kramer video. Is there anything you wanted to do with the computer, Ray William Johnson? Yeah, so I go in to the computer and I delete the Third Amendment.

Yeah, you go in, after the computer comes and that same pasta sauce comes out. You delete the Third Amendment. Yeah, which is no, and I know it by heart because I'm so anti it. Yeah. No soldier shall in time of peace be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Yeah, you're flashing back to memories of soldiers. Somebody drawing and quartering a soldier in my house during a time of peace, and I'm not having that bullshit.

Yeah, you were just like a simple alienware, uh, laptop at that time. That's right. I was simply, I was simply a raspberry pie at the time. Yeah. Um, you see your, yeah, your, your mom and dad, Macintosh, 1984, cowering in fear as a soldier is quartered. And then I don't, I delete that shit. Yeah, you delete that for some reason because I guess I liked when this soldier was cornered in my house. Yeah, that I think about it.

Yeah, I guess I. I lost the plot. Yeah, I guess I thought that was really cool. And so I delete the amendment so that that can happen more often. Hopefully it happens to me again. Yeah, that's, and hey, it just might. So at this point now, you have 20 seconds left. I charge my phone for 20 seconds.

All the cops in the world are coming to what they think is arrest a now dead Chuck Wendig. But we'll eventually see you guys in the computer room interrupting OS Fogel update. what do you want to do we got to stop the update we have to stop the update I unplug the computer while it's updating holy shit

we have to do more than that though we have to do more than that we had to stop the Fogel OS at the source yeah but if if we unplug it while it's updating won't it stop here's what I do seconds oh my god here's what I do

okay I open the CD drive I put my two pieces of bagel that I got from the authentic Authentic Gun City bagel depot I throw it in the CD drive I press the eject button that is now the inter button Right right I send those bagels into that CD drive and I let that bitch try to read that shit because I got a feeling it's not going to do it

Yeah so she tries because it is a girl And she tries to read it And what happens is that the OS Fogo update You watch a download bar go down And it goes down and it looks like bite marks Like she's eating those bagels And you see the update stops You stop the update

The cops are going to be there in 10 seconds Your only option probably is to jump out the window Okay I shoot myself in the head Okay Yeah, you shoot yourself in the head and you die. Wait, but just the demon. Just the demon party.

Yeah, the demon part of you don't. What I'm doing is I'm framing the demon. Okay, yeah, you do that. What do you two do? I tell, I tell, I tell Ray William Johnson to attach to the monkey. Okay, I attach to the monkey. Right. And then I jump out, I jump out the window.

Yeah. I'm already gone. I safely eject from the demon, and I safely inject to the monkey. Yeah, okay. So the Patrick Monkey and Blotas Piss jump out the window and fall towards Gunn City. Patrick Yoda found an elevator. It's just taking the elevator down. It's a freight elevator.

Which was there. Yeah, the freight elevator. As you two are falling out the window, You see a familiar Blue Grinch Fly by Oh my God Where is he? This time he's wearing Master Chief Armour

No Dude no And he says Get on my back if you want to live What I think I'm about to trust the Blue Grinch You're hell fucking right I am I ripped the armor off of him

I jump on that blue Grinch's back And I ride him like the pony that should be. And what do you do, Blotas? I ripped the armor off of him and I put it on myself. Yeah. You're wearing the master chief armor. You're both riding the Blue Grinch. The Blue Grinch flies you guys up

into the sky. Why can he fly? Oh, he flies. I decided that the blue grink flies. Okay. Into the laser helicopter. The Ashton Future Late Trout, which was waiting for you guys up top to abduct you.

Patrick Ciotta, you're already there. You're just reading a newspaper. You're sort of chilling out. I'm reading Dilbert in the newspaper. Dilbert and laughing. I'm laughing my friggin' head off. Yeah. You guys show up and Ashton Future says,

Well done, guys. You guys deleted the Kramer video. You did a little extra damage to that nasty corporation. And now the CEO is also dead. Pretty good day. Now soon it'll be the top 10s, mindfulness corporation that will be running the city that's so pretty cool looks like you're not going to get punked after all and um he uh uh shoots himself in the nuts and uh he can't he can't

help it because he has to punk somebody yeah he has to get it out it might as well be himself and that's it and i look into the camera and i say looks like it was a heaven copter after all and then a circle closes on our faces and we jump into the air and freezing. Oh my God. Patches. I mean, I got to give it up, dude. This would be nothing without the players who made some insane. You're going to be.