Podcast About List - Ep. 101 - Having a normal one in Poop World

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

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You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the Monoliths. You're any crap monster. Patrick's penis plumply, plumply pissed on his plump. Patrick's pile of pimples at the place of his penis. Patrick's penis dumped a pile of piss. Caleb's penis is broken. Patrick's...

Fat Patrick. Pat Patrick fucks a pig Patrick's post-pubescent pig penis Preston's Preston's Patrick presses Patrick Patrick pokes pigs with his post-pubescent penile pile of pimple

Pipele Cameron creates Caleb's cum No He doesn't No. No, beautiful women all over the world do. Cameron creates Caleb's Cuman.

Patrick. Patrick Cray's on... Cameron's Cuman, Caleb's... Patrick praises the... Patrick Praise is the putrid present. He does. No. He does. When I was like auditioning for like sketch troops in college, me and Neil, there was like all these theater like losers walking around doing like vocal warm-ups. And so me and Neil just started walking wrungling, bips, bips, bips, bips, bips, bips, just as loud as we could.

Those things are so fucking, I don't understand them. But, you know, I do to do theater. We used to, me and Aaron used to make fun of those two, we used to make up, Patrick's leaving. All right, cool, nice. That's all right. While Patrick is gone, we'd like to announce that we're donating all of Patrick's cut of the Patreon to bail funds all over America this week. yeah you guys did yeah we've donated all of his money i have not seen any of my money we're donating all of his money and he's happy to do it yeah actually nothing wrong with it um yeah we're gonna do

it mm-hmm what'd you say about you and error oh we would all we would also just make up fake chance we just go around and be like the mouse in the house went tippity tie to tay and just like Stuart Liddles, feet are brittle. Yeah. Tip, tap, tip, top, tip, tap, top. SpongeBob, Squidward. SpongeBob, Squidward. Spongebob Squarepants.

Spongebob Squidward, Sandy, Cheeks. Birds have feet and birds have beaks. SpongeBob Squarepants squirted silently. Patrick Squidward is dancing, yippee. Patrick Squidward, cute as they can be. A lot of people think that SpongeBob A lot of parents think that SpongeBob and Patrick are gay But it's actually Patrick and Squidward

Yeah You know like they they did a couple of episodes That was the lost episodes The ones that Patchy the Pirate tries to find Yeah those are those are like it's like Like a call me by your name Sort of like Mentor romance between Squidward who's 24

And Patrick who's 17 That's what they actually Call me by your name They base call me by your name on Patrick and Squidward Yeah Yeah Timothy Chalomey has a very squid word And Timothy Shalomey as

Patrick Star Yeah he's a very Patrick Star Quality to him Yeah He does Yeah he has five points Yeah Five points he's very

Very pink very pink person he's pink not very smart not very smart with a lot of green shorts lives under a rock yeah lives under a rock with a TV antenna on it all of his all of his furniture made out of sand

yeah he has two parents who look exactly like him and he's fucking squidward and he's French he's fucking squid yeah he has a clam he's a clam child he has a briefcase full of ice cream see because Shalamay

translated from French loosely is Patrick Starr. Yeah, is stupid star. Yeah. Stupid Star. Yeah, very dumb star. Stupid Star online, which is a spin-off of... It's a new anime that we're making. It's about Patrick.

Yeah. Every Patrick I know is stupid. Why? No. Yeah. Including on TV and on Star, on screen and stage. Yeah. How many Patrick's on stage, do you know?

I know this Patrick in front of me. I was on stage for, I've only been... He's on stage right now. He's on stage right now. Yeah. Patrick can't. Patrick Hans. Patrick Hauntz.

Patrick Hauntz, Improv Boston, like the Phantom of the Opera. And he lives in the rafters of the drop ceiling. I jump out during the nude show and I hit them with the fire extinguisher. Yeah. You broom them in the middle of the nude show. Yeah. Do you guys know anybody who did the nude show? I don't think so.

I mean, I probably know someone who did the nude show just... But, yeah, I guess if you do it, you don't walk around talking about it all the time. Yeah. Unless you're annoying. Patrick, when you asked that, Patrick pulled out his little notebook where he listed every single person who has ever done the nude show with links to their Facebook profiles. You know what? None of these names are bringing any bells. Does everybody sit in the crowd of that show nude?

No. While they wait? Well, no, because it's only comics there. Yeah. No, you go, true. Yeah, because, no, no, somebody told me that's, like, actually a very popular, like, tourist show. Really? Yeah.

That makes sense. It makes sense. They want to see how, the foreigners want to see how our junk stacks up. I mean, if you're, like, if you're touring from Japan, they don't have genitals there. They just have, like, pixels. True. So they want to see real. Yeah, they want to see what a penis actually looks like.

No, it's something where, like, as soon as you cross the border of Japan into, what's next to Japan? the ocean, you, uh, your penis unblurs. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of a, it's kind of the, the curse. That's what 5G is. That's what they're trying to bring over here. Yeah.

With all those cell phone towers. It broadcast pixels onto sex. Exactly. Yeah, they're trying to do that here in America. Japan's been 5Ged up for, oh, I don't know, a hundred years. Well, 5G stands for, since the Bakugan era of Japan. 5G stands for five Japanese guys invented this. So it originated there.

They just needed a short acronym for it. They're always so... They're always so... Yeah. So, yeah, that's where... It shows you where... It shows you where... If you have a longer...

If you use it on an iPad, it says the whole thing. Like, if your iPad is connected to 5G, it says that. Yeah, if you hold it horizontally. Yeah. Yeah. And it's... It stands. And you have screen orientation unlocked.

Then it'll spell out five Japanese guys made this. But every G just is how many Japanese guys made that specific technology. Exactly. So, like, that's why sometimes you'll be in places where it's like, where it's like, you know, 3G, three Japanese guys, 4G, four Japanese guys. If it just says E, that means every Japanese guy. It's pretty impressive technology. Yeah, my phone doesn't have 5G yet, so I think. I think I'm good.

If my phone has 5G, I'm moving into a cave. My phone doesn't have 5G, but my... I don't... You have like an iPhone 5, right? I'm a 5G. I have an iPhone SE, I think. Sex offender. Sex offender.

No. That's what the SE stands for when you use it. No. Yeah. Super excited. To be a sex offender. No, it's... Again, if you put your phone in port your...

I will say that. You've just never used your phone or landscape mode. You've never used your phone in landscape mode. Seriously evil is what you stands for. Because you're sex offender nature. Seriously, bad meets evil. Yeah, seriously, Royce to 5-9 in M&M. Yeah, just doing absolutely nonsense Taco Bell raps to each other.

I forgot bad meets evil existed until like two weeks ago. Dude, it's sick. Remember fucking lighters? I forgot. I thought that was just a Bruno Mars song. No, dude, that whole album is like lighters and then 30 songs where Eminem's like, I killed a gay man and Royce was there too. I fucked his ass and Royce ate his poo.

And Royce is like, yeah, I was there with Eminem and we both fucked the guy. And then you skip the lighters and it's like, you have to, a man should wear a dress. I haven't listened to that song. You didn't listen to Lighters. I just know the Bruno Mars part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I only know the Bruno Mars part. I don't know any of the parts. What did fucking Royce defy? He has some really bad, like, everything is auto-tuned. Oh, that's his whole thing. Yeah, it was like, T-Pain's a bitch. Yeah. And, yeah, all of his...

Tea Paine, I think, is a much more talented person than R-Sign. That's one of the best, that's one of the best, like, eras of rap is, like, from 2006 to, like, 2013, where just every guy like Nas or like Roista 59 or like Black Thought all had songs that were like like rap is dead Yeah, because like that's an auto tune Yeah, rap is dead because I sold 56 albums in a year Yeah Yeah, so it must be dead because Kanye

Kanye wanted to sound like a robot And now fucking everyone wants to sound like a goddamn robot Fucked a bald girl and just ruined rap Rap used to be about girls with long hair Yeah And having sex with as many long hair girls as you possibly can. And it used to be about going down to the soda fountain.

Rap used to be about hanging out with your friends. Rap used to be about taking your double-wide fucking sedan down to the soda fountain with Peggy Sue and her poodle skirt. And you sit on that and you drink a milkshake together and you share a saw. Rap used to be about Boba Fett, dude. It used to be about his vet, dude. to be about boba fed doing contracts for job of the hut what the fuck ever happened to finance his vet now you have all this stuff about sex and and drugs and gang signs it used to be about

rapping about boba fat and his bed dude yeah it used to be about cruising through bespin and you're delorean yeah he's whatever happened to that mandoloreen mc chris yeah didn't didn't he didn't get like an wasn't that an early me too i think so i think there's a video of him crying makes i just remember i think one god i gotta find that he got me toed for crying yeah yeah uh this rapper cried that's a death sentence is over party yeah yeah so you should have seen it coming his name's literally mc cries you think about it yeah and it stands for my my is crying his baby. Me cry.

Me cry. Me cry. Me cry, Chris. Yeah. We could have been, we would have been a really good, like, rap trio. Oh, yeah, he, so he ejected a fan from the audience, and then everyone was mad at him on Twitter. He ejected the fan?

Yeah. He ejected on the fan. That was the problem. Oh, that makes more sense. After he receives criticism from fans, he apologized in a video where he was crying fucking bitch dude no rapper should ever cry yeah

his uh when 50 cent oh my god did either of you also did an album called race wars in 2011 with kurt metzger his first album was called life's a bitch and I'm her pimp nice dude that's so sick

nerd core nerdcore fans walk around in the hood and call it the Gary May's game. Did you guys ever, did you guys think growing up that 50 cent got shot 50 times? No. No?

That's what I was always told. I didn't know. The one told me he got shot 50 times. And that's why they call him 50 cent. Yeah. No, they call him that because his name is, his real name is Michael Quarters. His name is Michael Two Quarters.

That's his whole Christian name. Yeah. Yeah. Why do they call him 50 cents? Because he's... Because he used to sell all his albums for 50 cents. And that was just the price tag that people put over his actual rap name. Yeah, his first name was the cool guy.

The parental advisory. But then that was taken. That was a third-core rapper. Yeah. Man, I smell like shit. I'm back in the hottest room in America today. It's cold out here. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

pretty cold up here. It's cold out of here. It's cold. Yeah, I'm excited to go back up north. I leave in 10 days. Nice. Then I dry. Oh, wait, no, less nine days. Eight days. One hour. Seven days. I leave in an hour. Yeah. I'm pretty excited. It's kind of the perfect time to move to New York City. Yeah, absolutely. It's really the best time to move there. Yeah, there's just more and more things. Can we just put a pause on all this stuff for like the weekend of the 13th just so I can move in? guys can can just both sides relax for like four hours okay i have a bunch of boxes you're moving on

friday the 13th that's crazy oh shit dude this is gonna suck dude this is i just i cannot be picking a worst time to move it's saturday the 13th oh okay all right good i thought you knew it was no i got i got worried i was like fuck dude that is such a bad oh friday the 13th no yeah as if i needed one more bad omen right now that's the thing that makes you cancel it yeah yeah doesn't matter that the city's on fire yeah wait what's that it's friday the 13th dude i don't want to get murdered by jason or freddie yeah he already went to manhattan he knows how to get there true yeah here i guess i'll just move to space oh fuck I'm smoking the worst, like...

Oh, June, did you say... No, it's June 13th. Never mind, because 50 cents... 50 cents. 50 cents. You kids with your 50 cents and your Pokemon. Fucking 50 cents. God damn it, dude.

What's going on right now? I don't know. Are you just babbling? I'm trying to say 50 cent, but I can say... You're just trying to say 50 cents. Let's give a queen take. Let's give a queen take. Pat was trying to just say 50 cent,

and he ended up to say 50 cent, and he ended up to say, talking about Pokemon. He has a lot on his brain. Best Buy is refusing to give him his computer because they found some questionable stuff on the hard drive. No. Yeah, that's what happened. First of all, it's Tiger Direct, and they changed the price.

No, they changed the price, is what that was saying. They changed the price to scrub his hard drive. Yeah. It's not true. Yeah. They found I right. He bought the incriminating video starter pack to add onto the hard drive to get a ship to him

with illegal videos already on it. I have too much head space. Oh yeah, I bought too much headspace. I bought Pat bought Pete Townsend's computer on eBay as like a I'm such a big fan

of the who I wanted to see. I wanted I wanted all of the synthesizer tracks. I wanted he wanted to see what Pete Townsend's saw. No, you don't understand. I'm just doing research on his research. Okay? I'm trying to figure out what he was researching. I'm researching Pete Townsend. But, uh, yeah, 50 Cent declared bankruptcy on July 13th. And I thought it was July, but it's June.

When did he declare bankruptcy? July 13th of last year? 2011. Oh, damn. I was going to say you're moving. He's like the richest guy ever, because he was like, didn't he start vitamin water or some shit? No, he had a vitamin water flavor. what did it taste like it was a it was a oh fuck yeah i think it was like a money flavor is just grape it wasn't they didn't even do something fun formula 50 it was called formula 50 it was my favorite vitamin water flavor when i was in the third grade the flavor was blood on the sand it was it was it was filled with sand dude i forgot about that game yeah where 50

is that doesn't 50 cent i've been played it but he like solves he like solves the iraq I don't know. That's the one I think where there's a button you can press and he swears when you press the button. Fuck. Pretty cool. Exactly. That's exactly what he would do.

I like the idea of like George Bush was like, we think they have weapons of mass destruction. Send in 50 cents. He's been shot 50 times. He's invincible. Yeah. Oh, you can still get. I thought they discontinued Formula 50.

But no, you can still purchase Formula 50 on Instagram. the cart. All right, let's get it. Let's get, yeah, we'll get a pallet of Formula 50. You're going to split a pack? Yeah, why not? Speaking of 50 Cent, who wraps like he's from another planet, who has a rapping ability like he's actually a Martian.

Yeah. Or speaking, sorry, speaking 50 Cent. Like Martians versus Goblins. Yeah, speaking 50 Cent who's a rapper, and Little Wayne is also a rapper who is who calls him, he says he's a Martian. And he'd be from another planet. We have a list today that's about... We got to work on our segways into the...

No, that was perfect. No, no, I'm saying, but we don't do that. We don't do that. Okay, wait, wait, wait, no, let me do a segue. Speaking of 50 cent, there are 50 planets, but we're only going to talk about 10 of them today. We're reading the top 10 best planets from the top tens.com. See how fun that was? We got to do that.

That was pretty fun. Patrick, what's your segue? Okay, hold on, hold up. So, speaking of vitamin water, they say that they found vitamin water on Mars, which is one of the top ten planets, which is the list we're doing today. Speaking of 50 cent,

they sent Patrick to Pluto for the 50 videos found on his hard drive. And we're going to be talking about the top 10 best planets. Speaking of 50 cent, that's the price. I'm a rapper. And I'm releasing a new song called Mario Lord of the Rings. And it comes out today. But it came out yesterday if you're on Saturn because it's a different time zone. And if you're on Mercury, it came out three weeks ago.

Yeah. And if you're on the sun, you're dead. Ouch. The sun's a planet I'll say it There's probably a guy I'm gonna take my shirt off There's probably a guy in the sun

It's probably a guy living in the sun There's a guy in your son Why are you taking off your shirt? Put your shirt back on Don't say there's a guy in your son And then take off your shirt There is There's a guy in Patrick's son

No Yeah Patrick's son Linus I don't have a son named Linus He's a son I'm named Linus because he's a huge Linus Tech Tips fan. Yeah. Yeah, he is.

Yeah, I'm a huge... I named all of my kids Linus Tech Tips. Patrick named his son Linus after his penis because it's a combination of a line and a penis. Yeah, dude. It's two-dimensional. I thought it was just like a nickname. Nah, his name's Linus.

What a crazy name. His name is Linus Tech Tips? Mm-hmm. Wow. Yeah, dude. It's a crazy-ass name to have. He's fucking built for it. God, he has gages, right?

No. No, he has like those, he has like those, they're not like plugs. They're those like, uh, like the starter earrings for when you like stretch your ears. He has those in. They'll like, that's what I was thinking of. The little like, uh, the things they put in bull's noses. Uh-huh. A ring? Why do they do that? No, not a ring. People are cruel to animals. True. Yeah. That's what they, that's, it's like animal testing, but they did they, they tested earrings on. Bulls. Like, they test shampoo on... They test septum rings on 16-year-old girls with tumblers. Yeah, for...

And that's how they get them onto the Bulls. Yeah. Yeah. Top Ten Best Planets from the Top Ten's by Freddy Godzilla. That's a cool has name. That's a great last name. Freddy Godzilla? Freddy Godzilla, dude.

That'd be a good... On his... So he lives in New York. He says, my favorite sport is football. My favorite food is meat. L.O. L. L. L. so we have a this might be

he might have been under the influence of meat when he wrote this so keep that at mind he might have some meat brain yeah kind of bleeding through this list um number one best planet is earth

can't go wrong here I'm going to say that first and foremost can't go wrong with earth so other people disagree someone says earth is the most stupidest planet in the world because of humans

there's a there's a comment here that says, I love the earth, I love the nature, the earth, how the leaves turn into different color, I have a thing for tree, how they grow, it's all about nature. And that's a comment by smooth criminal. I got a thing for tree too. Oh, that's why Earth is number one, dude. Because you can smoke weed on Earth. Because you can smoke weed on Earth and you can grow hydroponics in your, in your closet, even if you live at home. You can grow dro on Earth because it's the way of the water. You can grow drofo show on earth you know that's why it's number one that's why they call earth the hydro planet yeah that's why they call earth uh the gongja planet ganja planet gong somebody's calling out

this this list and says ha only because we live here i bet if we all lived on mars then mars would be number one yeah obviously no it would be earth dude everything's red dude yeah that sucks That suck Imagine you walk Like you wake up You make an egg You crack your red You yeah

Red egg Yeah you press You press fucking start on your coffee maker Red coffee You go to fuck your wife's ass Red ass and wife Sucks dude I live in Earth like always

And travel around the third planet It has clouds plants caves Homes and other Earth stuff I kind of like Earth that way That sounds like an alien to me That wrote that comment I'm thinking though I bet Mars has red weed

They unlocked it They unlocked the new skin for weed Yeah which gives you Tanuki Mario powers It's like a fire flower Dude Mars has the fire flower Yeah You can smoke red weed

And get into a raccoon Mars has the fire flower And Earth has the higher flower Hell yeah You know what I'm saying That's facts And that's facts And that's facts

And that's just facts Yeah That's basically We're in the cipher right now Number two is Saturn Saturn Saturn has rings around I guess that's pretty cool

But also Yeah Well I think Jupiter's cooler than Saturn That would be my number two Saturn is married Yeah Because of the ring That's pretty good

Saturn I think I think they're only picking it Because it's got those rings Saturn is what you draw When you ask to draw a planet Yeah Not me I would draw a shoop-de-whoop when I would say class.

If somebody wanted me to draw a planet or anything, I would just draw. I could do the best shoot-to-whoop in class. Draw it right now. Okay, I'll draw it. I had like a, no, I just grabbed it. That's not a pen. That's a vape pen. That is a blue e-cigarette.

It's not a blue waffle. That's what you have in your pants. No, I don't have a blue waffle. You do, man. Yeah, you go to, you walk into the baby gap and you say, do you guys have pants that can fit my blue waffle in them? You have pants with one zipper for my penis and another from my phone waffle. You know I could never go into a baby gap and try on the clothes.

They have baby gap, big and tall. You're of a restraining order for being in the... Big and tall baby clothes. Yeah, they do. Pat goes to Oshboh, gosh, gosh, gosh, but gosh. Just like a six-foot tall baby? Yeah. Yeah. Baby gap, big and tall.

Baby gap, casual baby X-L. Big babies warehouse Yeah Fucking There's only like two big and tall stores, huh? I think there should only be two big and tall guys Yeah I think we need to eradicate the big and tall population

Me and my big dad Yeah me and my huge dad Yeah Top comment on Saturn is Good luck living on this planet Because it is just a giant crystal ice storm I could live there And my heart is cold as ice.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I would survive probably. I think you could drop me on any planet and I would survive. I think if they were going to execute me, I'd request getting sent to a planet. I would like to be killed like the cat at the beginning of the Simpsons movie. I don't remember if he's itchy or scratchy, but the one who gets sent to the moon and then filled up with nukes. That's how I want to die. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I want to get sent to, like, to Venus, and then they just kind of drop me into space, so then I freeze, and then I hit all the hot gas. Patrick wants to be, he misspoke there. He said, he meant that he wants to be sent to penis. Yeah, he wants to shrink down, like, fantastic journey and go into a man's new reason. He wants to shrink down, like, the magic school bus, and climb into a penis. You're thinking of Ant Man. And then he wants to live in.

Yeah, he wants to go into Ant Man's penis. You're right. I'm sorry. Yeah, we were thinking of Amman. Yeah, he wants to crawl up inside Paul Rudd. He wants to make Paul Mudd come out. Yeah, hey, hey, hey, what about Scott Wang? Shut up, dude.

Because his name's Scott Lang. You, shut up. I don't know who that is, man. Be quiet. Yeah, are you talking about yourself? I'm talking about Scott Wang. I'm talking about Scott Wang. What if Patrick's name was penis, penis ball set?

Wouldn't that be pretty funny? What if Caleb's name was fucking bitch? No. I don't think that would happen. No, nobody would name me that. Somebody would name me penis ball sack, because your name is the thing you love the most and the thing you love second the most. Someone would name would name would name would be like, you just said that. No, my name would be like, no, I said that you would be named that.

No, I said you would. You said you would be like, my name would be like, uh, my name would be like video games vagina. No. Or like, uh, or like, uh, crispy cream, crispy cream, crispy cream vagina. Krispy cream vagina. Yeah. Yeah, or like Avengers movie vagina. Or, um...

Oh, fuck. Scott boobs. Scott, uh, Pilgrim booby. Your name, Caleb, your name would be Michael Estrogen. No. Yeah, it would. The thing I love the most is Michael, who's Michael? Scott, Michael Scott.

No. Yeah, you love that guy. I hate him. If you put me in a room with Michael Scott, I, beat the fuck out of him. I would try to, but then I wouldn't be able to because I'd be laughing so hard. He would use his special ability, which is a joke. He would use a special ability, which is being dumb as hell.

Yeah. He would probably try and fire me for being the only good employee. If I worked at the office, oh my God, I'd be so pissed off all day. Working for him as a fool's errand. Being an absolute nightmare working for Michael Scott, dude. He'd always be making you, he's always saying like just weird shit about your, about your body He's always commenting on your body

He's trying to harass you Yeah he's always walking the door Uh huh You know There's one comment on Saturn that says Earth is so overrated Real men live on Saturn And then there's another comment that says

Not a single lady Saturn is the planet It's a dude's pierced You just fucking show up No they want you to think That there's a crystal ice storm on Saturn because that's where the... Because women get so cold all the time.

They're always wanting blankets and asking you to turn the AC down. Someone says, no, this shouldn't be number two. It shouldn't even be on this list, nor should Earth be first. I know what should be first, though. It's a giant ball of ice that is always on fire. I don't think that's a planet.

Yeah, what are you talking about it? No, that's in Mario Galaxy, too. Yeah. I think it is, yeah. And you have to hop between the ice part and the fire and the lava. part. That'd be pretty cool.

Saturn floats on water has the most interesting ring and is beautiful. My favorite planet since young, although I live on Earth, and please continue to vote for Saturn. Although I live on Earth. Although I do live on Earth, I respect Saturn, and I hope to move there one day. I hope soon in the future I can live on this. of Saturn's many rings. Saturn is actually

Latin for Satan. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's actually short for Saturnicus, who was the demon god of butt-fucking. Yeah. And he was Patrick. No. Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Yeah, I'm thinking he was. Yeah, he actually was. I'm looking at the... I just got the results in. Saturn actually was named after Saturday, which is the day they play cartoons on TV, so I actually think I am going to... to go live there. Whoa, that's true. Imagine a planet full of cartoons.

Imagine a planet made out of cartoons. Who framed Roger Rabbit? Planet, dude. Planet, crazy. Planet Tune. Yeah. Oh, my God. Tune World.

Oh, my God, Tune World. From Uguio. Uh-huh. We need to get, uh, what's his name, Elon? We need to get him on Tune World. Yeah, we need, I think that... He'd probably love it. He'd probably love it because he could meet Rick and Morty. True.

Dude, if we convince him, we could get him to get us to Toon World. We could trap Elon Musk and Toon World. Yeah. We could trap him in the Millennium Puzzle. Hold on. From Yu-Gi-O. This is kind of a weird thing. Have you heard his baby's name?

His baby? Oh, my God. He gave birth to a cartoon. He gave birth. His baby has a cartoon name. Holy crap. His baby is Spongebob's SpongeBob

His baby His baby has a SpongeBob like quality to him Yeah Because it has a soft spot It has exactly yeah Every baby is part SpongeBob Just on like a one inch diameter You grow out of it

Eventually you lose the SpongeBob nature SpongeBob somebody dared Stephen Hillenberg dared to ask the question What if a baby was all soft spot Yeah. And he came up with SpongeBob Squarepants. Yeah. Yeah.

The gay fry cook. Exactly. One of the most inspiring characters of our generation. That's true. Number two was Patrick. Mm-hmm. Yeah, who's a baby with a job. Yeah.

What if an adult, what if you could combine the job of an adult with the powers of a baby? Of being stupid and pink and wearing only pants and no shirt? Only pants. Only pants Onlypants.com Yeah It's a subscription box service That's like blue apron

Why wouldn't it just be blue pants No they send you They send you just thread and needle And you have to make your own pants And they have instructions Yeah very vague instructions They teach you how to make jeans Yeah

And then you finish it and it's like Oh fuck I just got to I'm attacked by a fly I'm attacked by a fly Sorry There's been a fly. It's like that Breaking Bad episode where there's like a fly in the lab. A fly has been circling my head.

It thinks your head is a big egg. It thinks it's a bird and I just got hit in the head in a cartoon and I'm dazed. And there's, he's flying around my head as I loopily cross my eyes. It's pretty stupid. But then every once in a while he bites my, he bites the back of my head. The fly's been biting you? Yeah. I think he's trying to feed on you.

He's trying to communicate with me in Morse code. I think that might be Count Dracula. I don't think so. I think that might be little Count Dracula. Imagine yeah, Dracula turned into a fly. That's a really, really small Count Dracula turns into a fly. Yeah. Number three is Neptune.

Yeah, I know it looks cool, but it's just a ball of gas, so there is nothing to do. But look at it. If you go on it, you die. It is just a gas storm with no solid surface. Yeah, I mean, let's build like a dream planet, like as far as attributes. Right. So first off, water. Square.

Water. No, Gatorade. Square shape. Okay. Gatorade run, Gatorade ocean. What flavor Gatorade? Gateway, okay. Glacier cherry?

Glaciered cherry, Gatorade oceans, okay. Okay, I'm with you on that. The oceans are populated with Swedish fish. Yes. And the ground is. chocolate ground and then if you dig in gummy worms yeah yeah and also the and also the monkeys on the planet are made out of gumballs and gummy bears are real and you can actually gummy bears are life-sized terrifying bears that kill you and you can't eat them and also you have and they're filled

with meat yeah they're gummy bears on the outside so it looks like a gummy bear but when you kill it it's like killing a regular bear and you get a scarab gun from halo too Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a bunch of money on there that they hate it. They hate money and they just can't stop giving it to you. But they also have stores where they accept money, but then again, they give it back to it. They have a, what's it? They have a concept store there so you can get cool shoes. Yeah, they have a GameStop. They have GameStop on GameStop concepts. There's an EB games. Every tree has a giant TV screen on it and controllers attached to it. you can play games on the tree. It's like when you went to a motel in 2001 and they had a Nintendo 64 TV. Oh my God.

It's like that, but the games are free. Yeah. But they also have, yeah, you don't have to rent the games. They also have, uh, they have school there and you might be like, oh, fuck school, but it's eight hours. It's eight hours of recess. Oh my God. Eight straight hours.

That's kind of like a trade school. And the play structure, the play structure has a real spaceship in it. Yeah, so you can go home You can go to your regular You can go back to Earth whenever you want Yeah, and the teacher The teacher has to be your girlfriend if you ask her So if you get a hot teacher

That's a fucking bullseye win And the teacher is not mistrunchable No, the teacher's mislunchable Because you're going to eat her up They don't have no They have no mistrunchable there And they have no choky And also bread

Bread has no crust on it So you don't even have to cut it off, dude bread is uncrustables bread is made out of the stuff which is kind of a problem the which is kind of a problem that it's all uncrustables because if you want to make like a meatball sub you're going to have some peanut butter and jelly in there if it's all uncrustables none of it is think about that for a minute who crusts the uncrustables who will crusts the uncrustables fair question yeah uh Neptune this is another sponge bob planet he's the king of the world and He's basically God and SpongeBob, but he never meddles in earthly affairs. He only really cares about the crusty crab. Yeah, why, how can you be a god and love burgers so much? There's a really good point.

Comment on Neptune that's in all caps that says, beautiful, we need to live here. Damn, facts. We need to live here. Someone says, it's blue, it's got water. Need I say more? She is my favorite planet She's beautiful and cool and have ring I love it

Why is everything a girl? Why are ships, girls, planets are girls And girls are girls Cameron's a girl No Cameron's a girl, Patrick's a girl I'm a boy Caleb's a girl

I'm not I'm not a girl No I'm sad I should not have even brought this up Because it is two against one Two girls versus one boy So No

Yeah you guys probably think You guys probably think Jupiter's number one because you go there to get more stupider. Mm-mm. Yeah, me, I actually went to a little planet called college, and I got more knowledge and HPV. So, who won here? Yeah, and at college it was only boys, and you got HPV there.

Oh. Yeah, dude, because the lunch lady had it, and she put it in the macaroni. It was a lunch gentleman. No. Yeah. It was a lunch lord, dude. It was lunch. It was lunch, Jeffrey.

It was the lunch lord. Yeah, it was lunch, Larry. Lunch lordy. Number four is Mars. I'm surprised this is number two, dude. Yeah. Jack the Top Ten Guy Five, which is a really good username. It says, I heard that there will be life on Mars.

Woo-hoo! Yeah, I thought Mars was going to be higher up on this list. Mars low-key fell off, dude. Yeah, Mars used to be a lot of people's number. Mars used to be a lot of people's goat. Uh-huh. Yeah. Somebody's listing the benefits of Mars here, and they say,

God of War, Candy Bar, Red. Someone says, red like the Soviet Union. Yeah, we know who said that. That was Rob Rousseau. That was a Rob Rousseau guy right there. Mars is right, yeah, Rob Rousseau's perfect planet. It's popular. populated by communist girls who turn 18 tomorrow forever yeah yeah dude the years

they are worth or the same length as a hundred earth years so yeah but only once you turn only once you turn 17 and 364 days old exactly yeah so it's just him like it's just him watching them and biting his knuckle man that video is fucking weird all every video he's made is so weird yeah let's get him on all right yeah probably will come on now he's probably my best friend he actually is my best friend he's actually one of his friend uh what's that other guy who uh oh joshua for congress the other ticot guy oh that dude yeah no what's the what's the there's a guy who was like one of those guys who uh was super into warren um sean mckelway is it that guy yeah we're gonna get him on too and we're gonna have

him and Rob Russo, we're going to challenge them to a finger off. He's better at fingering me. He's better at fingering? Yeah. I'm going to dress up like an anime girl. And I'm going to say, you guys need to seize the means of reproduction. Yeah. And so who can finger my asshole better?

Because you reproduce with your ass. Yeah, I do. It's actually an ability I learned in college what you were on. Jupiter. You lay a brown poop egg. I lay a brown poop bag. A poop goblin hatches out of it. And then I crack it every morning for breakfast. Yeah. And the food is still perfectly preserved inside of it. Yeah.

You learned how to save some food from your stomach and then poop it out untouched inside of a hollow orb. If you, if you, if Caleb just eats his poop like an egg all the time, isn't it? Do you think it's going to be, like, pee, where it's, like, you can drink, like, pee once, but if you drink your pee again? You can eat poop forever. Oh, okay. Because if you eat food, it turns into poop. I've never done it, so I wouldn't know.

I'm a scientist, so I would know. Yeah, so I think Cameron knows by experience. No, I'm a scientist. I study things like this. What do you think poop tastes like? I would say probably brown and stinky. Well, yeah, I mean, it, like, monster cheese doesn't smell great all the time. Yeah.

Chicken cheese. Yeah. Monster Asiago. These are very strong scents, but all the extremely umami flavors. Exactly. You know, so it might be something where like you take a little bite. It's exactly. It has an overpowering smell.

I'm sprinkling MSG on poop just to see. It's like durian, you know? Like it smells bad, but it's perfectly edible. Yeah. And it's actually a great vegan alternative. it's a great it's a great you can make some dagoes out of it exactly yeah uh-huh yeah i don't know i think uh i think we might you know i think we might solve something yeah we think we should we should we should contact the beyond corporation because i think beyond poop you know it's beyond me

poop poop and shit but that's right it's not a bad idea Just Hot Italian poop Poop rot Poop rot worse Pooop rot worse Cooking a poop like a sausage With like onions around it

It's um I feel like that's a good idea It's like a beyond vegan poop But it's that thing where they have to spell The meat differently so it's called P-O-U-P Patrick Patrick's been eating poops like hot dogs for years Yeah

He puts sour he puts sour crap on it yeah and catch and ketchup uh and poop ketchup yeah which is red poop you you you eat a poop

and must turd you get a poop kibbasa with throw up sourcrow and you know and you put pea mustard on it no dude patty put must turd must turd yeah that's right yeah I must turd

on Caleb's food and then eat it yourself because you can't help yourself no yeah he can't help it Yeah, no, he can help myself. He pranks he pranks Caleb by putting a log of poop into a hot dog bun and leaving it right outside Caleb's door

and then he turns around to leave and then he turns back and he goes, oh, a hot dog. Yeah, and then he sticks his hand in and forgot that he put a bear trap there. Yeah, and then he cuts his hand off. And then he eats his hand also. I wiggle my fingers around and I go, ooh, don't mind if I do. Yeah. And then you slurp it down.

And then you slurp it down like a big, thick noodle. And it Rockets into the back of your throat You can never slurbed a turd like a noodle cameron Patrick and Cameron are lady in the tramping A Big Poop Man We're going back to our roots today

Yeah Talking about poop and shit This is yeah just talking about eating crap I was thinking about the ages of this podcast We went first it was all about eating poop And then it was all about the Grinch And now it's about We did have a very long time

And then it's about And then it was about uncles and cousins and then it was about teachers, and now we're going back to start the cycle again. Yeah. And the Grinch is, the Grinch is a through line there, too, I think. Yeah.

That's what I said. The Grinch was perfect for the holidays. It was, the holiday seasons. Poop the Grinch and cousins and teachers in that order. What's our next move? Yeah, let's like that, let's come up with, what's our, there's actually, there's actually a Rothschild style council that decides what of all of our stupid.

sessions are going to be we get a letter in the mail at the beginning of every month that says okay this month you have to talk all the time about um drinking pee out of a straw that's going to be the new thing that you guys are going to talk about that's going to be it yeah injecting pee intravenously mainlining urine all right i guess that's that's pee this time yeah what's the um what's what's what's that fucking that jz verse where he's just like werewolf frankenstein oh yeah monster it's just yeah it's just that but it's just like the grinch uncles cousins what are these things all have in common they're all fucking stupid um that's a little jab at ourselves right there that I just did by saying we like to be self-effacing we like to be a little meta here actually I like to be self-effacing Cameron and Patrick like to be self-cum facing you like to be self-soy facing when you see your crap on the ground and you know no no No, Patrick does, and Patrick actually...

You eat a poop. No, you actually eat a poop. You eat a poop. No, man, you ate poop. You ate poop for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And fourth meal, like, Taco Bell. Caleb. What?

You... No, don't finish that sentence. You eat a poop. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Number five is Jupiter, more like Poopeter, the home of Caleb. Yeah. Oh. No.

Yeah. Yeah, Caleb was on that blow. No, Caleb, I know what planet you live on. Yeah, number six, that's where you live, Uranus. I just said it. No, you didn't say the name of the planet, because you can't read that fast. I said that you live on Uranus. No, you live on your, you live on my anus.

You live on my anus. You live on Uranus. I really like the top comment on Jupiter really quick before we go, it's straight into you guys, his anus is. The top comment on Jupiter is in all capital says, this is freaking giant dude LOLL love the planet Jupiter Someone says it is just a ball of fart gas

But it is sideways And it is basically Saturn's retarded inbred cousin Yeah That's about Caleb Zanis They're changing the name of the planet to Caleb Zanis It's basically a ball of fart gas Yeah Yeah it's basically just a ball of fart gas

Yeah basically Just doing a NASA press conference Where they're like, you're releasing new discoveries from on the planet Uranus. Yeah, basically, it's just a ball of fart gas. We did a check on it. We actually did a check. We smelled it.

We actually smelled it. It's like how radio waves take for a very long time to travel. Fart gas actually takes millions of years to reach Earth. But now a wave of fart gas from Uranus is reaching Earth so we can identify it now. See, the problem that we had before, when we couldn't tell what the smell was, was we were all trying to figure out whoever smelled it. We were going off the knowledge that whoever smelt it dealt it,

and we couldn't figure out just which planet it was coming from. We were afraid to announce that Uranus was a ball of FARCAS because we would get blamed for it. Yeah, I mean, and we had people here in NASA that we called crazy back in the day. Like there's this guy, Warner von Brown, who originally said that, that Uranus was probably a ball of fart gas. But we just didn't believe him for whatever reason.

And finally we figured it out, see, because radio waves take longer to travel, we finally got a signal that said doorknob. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, and we said safety pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, we're starting... We used AI to say safety almost immediately.

Yeah, yeah. And we have a new... It's called Operation Diper Shit. and basically we're going to get all the smartest white guys to figure out exactly where the fart came from. We have new infrared scanners in space that are tracking farts from Saturn. And it looks like we're looking at it through a thermal call of duty scope

and we see a white cloud that's obviously giving us some heat signatures and it's leading directly to a man named Patrick Doran's asshole. And it seems as if he created, from the time he was born, millions and years ago, a giant fart cloud that grew a mind of its own and decided to move to space. He basically made a fart baby who grew up to be Uranus. There's the second comment on Uranus says, It is beautiful and rains diamonds yet bullied.

The planet didn't get to choose its name, so quit bullying it. Do you guys think it rains diamonds? Somebody says, it just that word that make me laugh. Yeah, and while we're on the topic here at NASA, one thing that's been a huge, a huge problem when researching that planet is that it's just that word that make me laugh, and we kind of can't even think about it without laughing so hard. Someone says, Uranus is named after a butt.

What the check? I only voted for this because of the name. That's okay, now that's the strategy. That's how we win the next election, okay? We change Bernie Sanders name to Bernie but, and then people are going to vote for him just because of the name. Yeah. That's how we win.

Penis ball sack. Is running for president. Yeah. And you don't even have to campaign. People will just see the name on the ballot and go, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Even the most, like, just far-right, even Cameron and Patrick, two of the most far-right people I know. No. They will be, they will be, they will be, it will be, uh, led to vote for penis ball sack. No. I'm actually voting for Rocky de la Fuente. No. So. Yeah.

Yeah, from the movie Rocky. I'm actually voting. I'm writing in, I'm writing in essential workers on the ballot, actually. Yeah. I want to let them. I'm actually donating my money through the ballot. I'm putting a file. dollar bill on the ballot. I'm just writing

$100 on the ballot and I'm hoping it gets to someone who needs it. I hope it gets to the end of the right hands. Number seven is Venus. It's a very close to, it could be penis. It could be. There's a comment here this is ugly and boring and common. There's a lot of venuses.

This is a dime a dozen planet, dude. Yeah. Hottest planet. They got to make a planet named Pagina. to finish the pattern. Uranus, penis, and vagina. Yeah. Well, no, because my younger brother,

my brother Levi, until he was like 16, thought that avocado was called abacado. I think you said that before. Have I? Yeah, you did. Sorry, I'm just thinking about it right now because I'm looking at him through the window. Yeah, flip him off for me because he just...

Yeah, I just flipped him off. He's tying a noose around his neck. Oh, wow. Yeah, and a smaller noose around. his, around his, around his penis. Damn. Yeah. Now he's doing kind of a Cirque de Soleil act with the two robes.

Oh yeah, he's fine. Number eight is Pluto, which could be poopo. It could be. I mean, you could call your penis your Pluto if we're going off. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Especially if you have gender reassignment surgery. There's a comment on Pluto that says

The only one named after a dog That's not true Yeah My dog is named My dog's name is Earth Yeah Well that's what dogs say They go Earth Earth

Oh my God They know where they are dude That's what they've been saying the whole time Oh my God They've been trying to tell us Yeah and they don't realize we already know We don't need to know Yeah.

Yeah, there's going to be one dog. It's like, wait a second, guys. I think I just saw, I just, they know that they're on Earth. We can say other stuff now. And then they're going to be able to talk. Pluto is just really cool and it's black. It was also named after my second favorite Roman god. Yeah, Pluto from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

Yeah, that's your favorite Roman god. You fucking idiot. Pluto has a floating rock. Oof. That's harsh. This fly just landed on my eyeball. Like I'm a cow. This sucks.

I just skip ahead to, because there are a lot of contenders on this one. And I just think it's funny because I think the person who made the list, Freddy Godzilla, just like wrote like one sentence about every planet that like, just like all these crazy planets. And like, for example, let's see. homeia beyond neptune's orbit this dwarf planet is shaped like an egg

and its temperatures reach below 400 degrees Fahrenheit the hip-hop planet below 400 degrees Fahrenheit that's also what it's like on Earth that's a lot of places that's below 400 degrees Fahrenheit that's not that impressive it's called homia

because it's the hip-hop planet and it's cold because it's cool as ice yeah Sedna this is the planet farthest from our solar system. Said nah. I said nah to that.

I said nah. Kepler 12. Kepler 12B. I heard of this dwarf planet. Make make sounds like a Pokemon planet. Yeah. Sounds like what a Pokemon says. Yeah.

If its name was Make Make. Yeah. Why did Pokemon's know their names? Because that's what they were named. But why did they... This whole world is falling apart to me now. So they can, do they name, who names the Pokemon? Are they just named after what they say?

No, God. Oh, that must be it. Right? Yeah, like when Venusaur says Venusaur. That's what they know it's Venusaur. That's, they just call them Venusaur. Yeah. Yeah, because they don't really have like a Latin.

That's how we name animals here too. Yeah. You didn't know that? That's how. Is it true? Dog, yeah, they go dog, dog. Well, they just, you just said they said Earth. the noise of a fish swimming through water is like

I mean if you just think about it all the stuff is there right a bug that's a really good point a bug they only say it in battle no okay listen a fly it flies and when it flies it's saying fly fly fly well the problem is most animals are so small that you can't hear them exactly

the vast majority of animals are just flying you would never be the only time a fly has ever been heard is the racing stripes that's true yes uh wasn't snoop dog one of the flies it was snoop dog and me yeah and we just went into the booth and we just did the whole thing in a day dude yeah we smoked like an ounce of weed you just riff there was no script there was no script they didn't even know that they were making the movie me and snoop dog just got high as fuck and i was like yo snoop what if we went into the booth and pretended to be flies no you guys just went into the booth had a conversation and then the the recording people listened to were like oh my god we need to make

these guys flies in a movie. We have to write a movie about this. I've to write a movie where they're flies. It's just me and Snoop Dog just smoking weed and we're like, man, I love being a fly and our best friends is a zebra, man. This is fucking sick, dude. We live on a zebra's poop, man. We live on a zebra's poop.

Man, I love, I'm just me and Snoop Dogg just saying, man, I love eating poop. And he's like, nephew poop is one of my favorite flavors. That's right. He said, he held me, he held a nug up to my nose, and he was like, Like, smell this, dude. It smells like shit. And he was like, exactly, playboy. Yeah.

There's a planet on here called Glease 581G, and the only comment on it is, it's actually not known to exist. Yeah, there's actually a planet. There's a planet called, or whatever the Transformers planet is. Cybertron. There's a planet called Cybertron. We don't know if it exists, but we also don't know that it doesn't exist. Exactly. So I'm going to go ahead and throw this.

That's true. We don't know if Tatooine exists or not, but we can just say that. All the Star Wars planets technically exist, because if you think about it, there's alternate universes for every different decision that someone made in the universe, right? It, like, splits off and forms a parallel universe. That's true. And God could have chosen to make all the Star Wars planets instead of Earth and Earth's other planets, the other brothers of Earth.

There's even a planet, there's even a reality, not the one we're in, but they're there is a reality where Cameron is a boy. That's the one we're in. No, it's not the one we're in. No, that is the one we're in. It's as far away from our universe as possible. There's also a universe where Caleb is correct about which universe he's in, but it's not this one. Yeah, it's this one.

See, there we go. He's proving my point even further. I'm going to go ahead and hit the reverse these button on that one. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead. I just hit it. So it's back to you. I'm going to touch your buttons. I just put down a reverse Uno card

and it just hit you again. No. Yeah, you got owned, buddy. Sorry, you suck. No. You fucking suck and you got owned. Yeah, I suck on your peepee. Whoa.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's fucking right. It's so unbelievably hot in this room. But we're not, we can't read the Patreon people anymore because there's two men. We have because we are too, good at this now yeah so thank you guys yeah thank you to everybody if my performance on this

episode said anything it's that we're too good is that Patrick is uh he carried us on his back yeah uh-huh he put the whole team on and uh we respect him for that i said something about headspace he said something about headspace the app um i would say so instead of shouting out patrons or patrons who should we shout out i'd say we should shout out uh donations to protesters honestly. Yeah, to bail funds. Yeah, you can go to Black Lives Matters.C-A-R-D-D-C-O, and it has a bunch of really good links. There's ways you can donate, even if you don't have money. Like, they have, like, streamed, like, YouTube videos with ad revenue.

Turn off your ad blocker for that. Yeah, if you want to, if you want to donate, but you don't, you can't spare money. I know, I know it's annoying to see that fucking ad on YouTube where it's like the family and they're like, we all we had triplets oh here we go but just turn it off mute the thing and fucking stream it if you don't have money that's what i've been doing yeah i've been donating too but um and uh and the second final destination movie it's really good it's really good go watch it it's so as so many cool kills so like those two things the fifth one is the best though uh hard disagree hard part so we're doing so Definitely go donate to bail funds and Black Lives Matter and go check out Final Destination. Yeah, it's actually, it's a great, it's a great series.

If you're not, if you're not old enough yet, technically, if you're not 17, you're not allowed to watch it. Tell your parents that it's really just violence. There's no nudity and there's very little strong language. There's nudity, though. There's, well, maybe in the one that you like. Isn't the second one have the one with the. tanning bed kill? No.

That's the third one. Oh, okay. Is the second one the amusement park or is the third one? The amusement part? Okay, yeah, so that one has Ramona Flowers in it. If you're a kid, you'll love that.

You can tell your parents the sequel to Scott Pilgrim. Yeah. Oh, and watch Scott Pilgrim too. Yeah, just stream that too. It's about, Scott Pilgrim is about a 22-year-old grooming a 17-year-old with video games.

And he's awesome at it. So if you like that, check it out. If you like that, which Patrick does, Yeah, it's actually based on Patrick's Memoir. It's not based on my memorar. Yeah, it's like, it's called, it's, uh, stylized like, it's stylized like Pac-Man, but it says Fat Man. And it's a picture of Patrick and he's eating a ball.

That's funny. He's eating a basketball. Yeah. Well, in Fat Man, he doesn't go for the fruits to eat the fruits. When you eat the fruits, it lowers his score. Yeah, and then he eats the ghosts too. And also the walls. Oh, you could eat a ghost at any.

point you couldn't you could just open your mouth and inhale it's like a spider it's like how you eat spiders in your sleep you could add the human beings eat eight spiders within their lifetime they only eight the amount in ghosts they eat millions of ghosts uh-huh every time i said double yeah double of eight is uh probably close to a million yeah all right so go donate yeah seriously do donate it's like seriously watch final fantasy yeah watch final fantasy Watch the Final Fantasy movies. Watch Let's Play as a Final Fantasy with Ad Block turned off. True.

That'll do it. All right. Bye. See you.