Podcast About List - Ep. 102 - Bosmer Middle School

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

Larry the Cucumber was a Bosmer www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the ball list. You're really crap, monster. Record. Now I'm recording. Yeah. Nice. I'm, I'm, um, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

We all have, uh, we all have sideways hats on. Mine is, mine's, I'm wearing it the best. Mine's a visor. I'm wearing a visor upside down and sideways. I'm wearing visors overlapping, so it just looks like a hat. I'm wearing Shutter shades. I'm wearing like a Sherlock Holmes hat, but I'm wearing it sideways. Nice.

I'm wearing two big flaps on the side. Put them down so my ears don't get cold. Mm-hmm. I'm wearing a, I'm wearing a beer drinking hat, right? But it's, but it's soda. I'm wearing a big gold chain. and on the end it has Roadrunner, and the Roadrunner actually runs. Whoa, dude.

I got like a big, a big old Jamiriqui hat on, but it's on my penis. And I'm keeping it, I'm standing it up with my penis. I'm smoking a seven-foot cigar. It's a very small hat. It's a very small hat. I have a little Newsies hat on, and I'm in the musical The Newsies. I'm smoking a seven-foot-long cigar. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I have a sombrero on I have a sombrero on I have a sombrero on There's guacamole in the middle and there's chips All around it I'm actually in a spaceship And I walk around the bus

I walk around the bus on my hands and knees And everybody gets a snack Because I'm doing my part for the protests Yeah I'm wearing two electric guitars One on the front one on the back I don't know Just walking around the protest With this sombrero with chips and salsa

Just asking people if they're hungry, in Speedy Gonzalez's voice. Oh, no. Hey, man, you hungry, man? That would not. That would not go well at all. I think it would go well. What do you mean? I'm feeding the people.

I'm in big trouble because I'm so fucked, dude. Last night, I went to visit my grandparents, and right before I left, I was, like, going over to a friend's house, and I was like, oh, I'll grab a couple cigars from my grandpa, but he was in the bathroom. So I just went to, like, his... cigar chest and just grabbed like the two stupidest like cheapest looking cigars i could find um one of which one of them was called mark twain and and i had a picture of mark twain on it and the other was it's a

jr and i was like okay jo rogan he had that joe rogan cigar nah dude that wouldn't be tobacco dude come on it they'd be they'd be crushed up on it pills uh-huh i i i but then i brought the cigars to my friend's house and we started smoking them and uh i they were like where'd you get these i was like i just stole them for my grandpa um and then somebody looked up the cigars because he was curious how much they were and the mark twain one was like six bucks right but then the jr one was like a hundred and twenty eight dollars and it must have been like a gift or like he was saving it for like the day i have a kid or something yeah he was he was saving it for the day you get married or something yeah he was he was saving it for the day you get married

or something. Yeah, and I just I just like split it with like three dumb asses. They're coming, they're coming to get you. You're guilty by association. Jesus fucking Christ. It's the CIA, the cigar

in, in investigators. They're coming to get you. Cigar investigating asshole. Cigar is your grandpuck. Aso. Aso. What are you guys up

to? What am I up to? are you're packing yeah dude packing a big fat bowl yeah yeah my fiance every day asked if I'm packing

and I just send her and just yet another bowl I've packed next to a giant pile of dirty clothes that has a peak like the like the mountain that the Grinch lives on

that's how tall it is yeah I got a I got a copy Tony Ox Pro Skater 2X yeah 2XL when you play it woo all right

Off to a great start. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've just been playing that. Bologna, Bologna Hawk, 2XL. Yeah. When you play it, it's Tony Iron Eagle. Pretty good.

Nice. Yeah. Yeah. When I play it, it's Tony. It's Tony Hawk because I'm normal. It's bony, bony crotch. Yeah. Bony crotch, one.

Finally, we got some Cameron burns on here. It's usually just me saying you look racist and you saying I look fat. We've never really done after Cameron. There's nothing. You're not normal. No, you're not normal. We're afraid to make fun of you because of what you'll do. Yeah.

We're afraid of your mind powers that you're going to throw at us. You're going to do a mind lightning bolt. You're going to do a mind lightning bolt. He's drinking water while talking right now. Oh, my God. I wasn't talking. Yeah, you were just, you have me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You were, you were doing, you were doing monumina. I would never do that, exactly.

You were going, uh, that's the best, that's the best song of all time. That song is so catchy. It's the best Louis Armstrong song. Yeah. So good. That was Lily Armstrong, the little puppet that they had. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But, yeah, I've just been just packing, uh, today. We got all that money out for that damn realtor. Shannon, that bitch, taking my money. Excited to have... That bitch, Carol Baskins. Yeah, Carol Baskins, you're realtor. Yeah, she's feeding my money to the tiger king. To plump up her husband to feed them to a time.

She's feeding my money to Netflix, and I'm pissed off, dude. Guys, I heard that Carol Baskins is a landlord now. More like Carrible Baskin. Ascarus. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That's good, right?

That's fast. More like crabbomble, be, booby, baby, boob. More like crab, crabbles. Yeah. Yeah. More like I don't care old, I bad shit. Now it just sounds, now it just sounds like we're doing it as a bit, but now it just sounds like we're making like real careful pastkin jokes.

Yeah, those are real caribank. It's funny to start doing this, like, four months after that documentary came out. Yeah, and we're just like, a caboo, like, nobody's talking about it anymore. And we're like, I know. Yeah, more like Cabo. Yeah, more like Cabo. More like Cabo Wabo. Hell yeah, let's go down to Cabo gets like, let's go to Wahoo.

Let's go to Waho's Fish Tacos of Carobasca. Let's go to a Wawa and Kawa. Uh-huh. Yeah, more like that. We should just start our own tiger murder farm or whatever. Yeah, let's do it. We should start our own Wawa. Oh, my God.

We get all the hoagies we want, all the free-ing Mountain Dew. Unlimited Sandwiches, Unlimited Mountain Dew, and ours would actually have Baja Blast, and it would have another flavor called California Crush. We'd get our own Wawa-Wa-exclusive Mountain Dew flavor that they have. Wawa Blast. Yeah, okay. And it tastes like a New Jersey steel mill. It tastes like a used poland-Doo flavor. plastic glove that those people wear.

And they give you free... It tastes like linking the order screen. They give you free refills in your wallet of your wallet. They refill your wallet with money. Free refills of... And gas. Free refills on gas. We would get free gas too if we owned a wallet. Oh my

God. Free gas. We could run our generator. Uh-huh. The one that... In our bunker. Yeah, that we've plugged up to our big computer that tells us what to say. We could finally start our lifelong dream of making a pool of with gas made of filled of gasoline

yeah finally we've been saving up that's the entire budget of jackass four it's just gallons of gas to fill up a pool for stevo to jump in yeah that's what we're putting the patreon money toward we're starting a wawa we're starting our own stevo style pool yeah there's a pool up back it's filled with gasoline it's stevo style we're gonna make our own stevo we're gonna make our own stevo out of like kids next codenamed kid next door two by four technology Just like wood and rubber bands until we have a stevo.

They're making a stevo bionicle, and we're bringing it to life. They are. Yeah, they're making a stevo Lego. What's up, dude? I got the mask of light. We're going to take this mask of light, and I'm going to put it up my ass. Yeah, man. I wasn't allowed to play with bionicle growing up.

I think my parents thought it was too Asian. Yeah. Yeah. They thought it was just, it was too close to anime, which I was. I want, I hope bionicals, somebody tries to cancel bionicles for, for, um, culturally appropriating Tiki's and Hawaiian culture. Oh, yeah, that's kind of the whole thing, isn't it? Yeah, that's what, yeah. I'm just waiting for that to happen because somebody will do that.

Canceling crash bandicoot for Aku-A-U-A-Qu. I think that happened. They did? I think so, yeah. That's so funny. Did Tack and the Power of Juju get, get clipped, too? I don't think enough people. Remember attack in the power of juju

Not enough people remember that But if you do It did have a fucking It had a show Juju is actually an extremely sacred Power Okay In Ohio

So Yeah Tuck and the power of Juju Had a Nicaloooo As a Jiu myself I find I find the idea that Tack could control me

Absolutely reprehensible Yeah. Yeah, but what do you guys have been up to? Nothing really. I was a Soporo last night. Oh, nice. Did you get one of those big cans?

No, I got a 12er of it. A 12er? 12er. Hmm. A 12er? Of the tiny ones? Yeah, like 12 ounce cans. Oh, now I'm understanding.

Gotcha. I got this big hat. Oh, yeah, you got the big hat. Yeah, I got a big hat for my big head Not the fat hat This has definitely been the most eventful week for me during Quarantine, just like I know, just somebody I know went to the hospital

Because he was allergic to sunscreen And that was just like That's, yeah, this kid I know He went on a boys trip And they invited one of the boys' fiancés Which is just so fucked up I would never let a girl to the boys' trip beach house.

Yeah. And so God punished him accordingly. And first of all, that grill ended up having COVID. So everybody in the house was exposed to it. And then he also, like, on the last day, put on sunscreen for, I guess, the first time. And then immediately just, like, his entire body puffed up in, like, like, Majin Boo. And he went to the ER. That's awesome, dude.

Yeah. It's funnier if you know this kid. It's way funnier if you know who he is. He's like, he's allergic to everything. Damn. Yeah. But, uh, that's, yeah, it's actually, Patrick, you're allergic to grass? Yeah.

I, I, I might be. That would make sense, right? Patrick, I get hives. I get hives if I sit in it. I get hives. I get hives. Yeah. Um, fucking.

Oh, yeah, my dad's COVID free. Nice. Yeah. He got a, he got a certificate. They hung it up on the fridge. But if you get it, I mean... Not for COVID. He did the presidential fitness test while he was at the hospital.

Yeah. And they were like, well, you can't have it if he can do that many pull-ups. Yeah. Yeah, he did the fitness grand pacer test. And they were like, how is he doing this with that? Like, he's got strong-ass lungs. Yeah. But yeah, he's...

Well, congrats free. Does your mom have it now? I don't know. Are they still, they're on, like... They probably got it back and... fourth? Maybe. They probably got to do like another test because she's like quarantined

for two weeks too. Dude, I bet your mom's so lonely, dude. No. Dude, I bet I'm gonna, I'm gonna visit her while I'm there. You don't visit. I'm gonna, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna show up and visit her. I bet she's getting really lonely without your dad. She's gonna get, you're gonna get, no.

I'm gonna get what? You're gonna get sick, dude? He was quarantined at home. Yeah. And that's where be you're not no my dad's at the house you're not you know what i'm gonna show i'm gonna spend time with both of them i think they're probably getting bored and lonely uh they need to do some physical activity um it's good for covid you're not gonna show up and i'm gonna visit i dude i'm gonna do it man you're not gonna do that i am i'm gonna wear a mask and cut a little hole in the top first so i can use my nose yeah yeah so i can fuck your dad with my nose you're not gonna

fuck my dad. I'm going to create, I'm going to use various rubber bands to make a little butthole with your dad's ball skin and then fuck it with my nose. I'm serious. I'm going to tighten it up so hard and then create a canal with rubber bands that I'm wrapping around themselves over and over again until there may be six inches long and then I'm going to use my, and then I'm going to tell ten lies in a row and then fuck your dad with my big nose. Yeah That's completely COVID safe

As long as the dad doesn't breathe As long as the dad is dead Yeah It's like Don't talk about my dad First Don't talk about my dad being dead I'm dude

I'm dude he's not dead from COVID He's dead from my gun Don't I'm gonna kill your dad dude Don't Don't say that too I'm sorry It has to happen

That's not cool Dude I'm gonna go Carol Baskin on your dad. Do not. I'm going to. Do not. Bro, I'm going to go Carol Baskin on her.

Now he's going to go. He's going to go. This fucking Carol Baskin shit. Calibald Pittskins. Carol. No. Caribold Pitskin.

No. Doesn't make it sense. Keep trying, Cameron. Keep at it, buddy. Cameron's going to be in the lab. Caler Paskin. No. It doesn't even make sense.

Caler Baskett This, the fucking, this Carol Baskin shit has looped around to where it's actually funny to me now. Now we're gonna, now we're gonna keep talking about it and it's just gonna, God damn, this sucks. Carole Pekitskit, Bib.

Oh, what if, what if Carol Baskin was a cat and it was hairball catskin? Yeah, what if? Oh. I think it would go a little something like this. Meow! Meow! Then she dressed up

her husband like a cat I want to dress up her like a cat she's hot dude she is she's your girlfriend she's my wife your wife is Carol Baskin dude I wish dude I'm sick of my stupid wife

and I want Carol Baskin to be my wife just so I can kill myself suicide by Carol suicide by Tiger that's the way to go that's a way to fucking go oh my God that'd be the way to go out how do you guys want to die how do I want to die

yeah I'm not going to die. I don't know. I decided last year. That was my New Year's resolution. Definitely not from a disease. I don't want to die like throwing. You're going to die from a disease.

Yeah. Just by saying you jinx yourself. Yeah. Patrick's going to eat the nasty patty from SpongeBob that killed the health inspector because he's just going to, and he knows what it is. Patrick's going to die from the cheese touch from Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Yeah. diarrhea of a wimpy kid

Yeah, that's what you're gonna get Yeah, that's you You're gonna eat the diarrhea of a wimpy kid You're the wimpy kid, that's you You're Greg, you're Greg Heffley can't You're your diarrhea of a wiener kid Yeah, because you're a weir kid Yeah, you're the Greg Heffley kid

No Yeah, I don't think so And Patrick, you're Greg hefty Mm-hmm See, all right, well We're still, we have that established We just can't figure out what to call Cameron

camera yeah we need to figure it up because i'm normal we need an angle on making fun of camera i'm normal it's not possible my my angle my angle i'm kind of fat i'm completely normal i'm pale looks like a skin head yeah yeah and i'm normal no you're not dude yeah i am normal all right say one reason i'm not a normal we have we have something we have something we can do but we can't figure it out yeah you you i think maybe it's there's too many things no yeah no there's not a single thing There's too many things both mental, physical, and spiritual. All right, well, you stay away from my spirituality. That is awful.

Stay away from my spirit. Cameron is funny because of his spirit. Yeah. Yeah, Cameron is too spiritual. Carol Baskin, that reminds me of Cameron's wretched soul. Yeah. Yeah, no, but seriously, don't talk about my soul. I'm going to.

That will make me so mad. You are so dumb. Your soul is op long. That is the one thing you shouldn't do around us is tell us not to do something. Yeah, that's right. Tell us not to make fun of someone. A couple of troublemakers, kind of a Phineas and Ferb style troublemaking duo. Yeah, we kind of do summer vacation pranks.

Yeah, and you're our big sister. Yeah, Cameron's our big sister. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think so. You're always tattling on us, and we're always building a cool new way to have sex. Exactly. And you're always getting mad. Yeah, with each other.

So? So? I meant to say so. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, it's actually, it's, what's wrong with that, Big Sis? You guys are brothers. Oh, you're a girl.

You have long hair like a girl. No, I have long hair like a boy. You can change that. He can't. I can change. You guys call me a girl once I come back with my head shape. Try. Try calling me a girl now.

Yeah, I just have like the lumpiest, the lumpy as the lumpy ugliest head ever. You have a big red boil. I have a mega-mined head under here. You also cut up your head while you were shaving. You just have toilet paper pieces all over it. There's just like a flap of skin just like going like a... You have an entire human pussy.

I have an antenna like a toilet tub. It's like the, it's like he has like a bandaid on the back of his head like the guy in Pulp Fiction, but it's got a pussy behind it. Yeah, a big one though. It's a jump. Giant Band-ed. I actually have a faucet on the back of my head, like the guy from the Valve intro. And it's really cool because it dispenses beer, and that's how I get all my beer.

No, no, it turns you on and off. No. But if you put it in the middle and you're kind of on. You're steam-powered. You're steampunk. Yeah, and you're working on Valve time, buddy. Yeah. Tell you that much.

Slow-poke. Slow-ass bitch. Yeah. Hey, release Half-Life 3, you bitch. They did. Half, they did. No, that's Half-Life Alexa. Alex.

Oh. It's Half-Life 3. It just shows what I know, dude. You fucking idiot. Oh my God, I'm so stupid. I'm going to release Team Fortress 3, but there's only one class. The human class. You're going to release Teen Fortress, and it's about your house.

Uh-huh. Your fortress where you're keep teens yeah yeah and and Patrick you'll be the heavy yeah

that's fine yeah yeah it is fine yeah there we go he just needs to come to terms with it

mm-hmm and I'll be the I'll be the spy I would be the spy you're the spy you're the spy you're dressed in full you're dressed in full

you're dressed in the oh Giver baskets Caleb is dressed in a full Caleb is dressed in a full real tree track suit and he's standing outside of a teen girl's window with binoculars pressed directly to the window I'm the spy dude

I'm a game stop stealing an Xbox If you Google Caleb Pitts that is There's a guy named Caleb Pitts who killed himself Because he was caught looking into a teen girls window While she was changing dressed in full camera arrested for peeping Tom. Yeah, he's arrested on for peeping Tom, and then he killed himself right after. And that's what you're going to do.

You're going to follow. No, I would be a cool spot on the night. If you look up, if you look up Greg Peppers, though, there is a mugshot of a man who looks exactly like... Your Carol Baskin's name is Greg Peppers. Post your Carol Baskin's name below. That's right. Yeah. You know, if you search Greg Peppers, I think the first thing that comes up is an e-bombs world article about it.

Yeah, now it is, but it used to be, it used to be a mugshot of a guy that looks like Caleb. No, but every mugshot of a guy looks like me, dude. That's true. You're like a, if this person does not exist, was trained on every Aryan brotherhood member. And it's every time you keep refreshing it over and over, and every time it's your face, it never changes.

That's the only thing it can generate. are too big to be Aryan Brotherhood, man. They wouldn't let me in. I'm too pretty. No. They could tell them. I could tell I'm from the sea. No.

They'd let you be first lady to the president of the area. No. No. Yeah. No, they wouldn't. No, they wouldn't. They would hate me so much that they would make me, uh, they would put me in jail. Inside jail.

They would put me in their own secret jail inside of the jail. Yeah. yeah they have another jail inside of the jail they'd put you in timeout in the bed you have to sit on the bed all day dude the worst thing the worst thing that can happen to you in jail is probably time out yeah yeah probably yeah i would say that's a huge problem right now is uh people people going to time out in jail yeah because it's basically a double sentence you know timeout for life no chance of parole and then you get into double timeout yeah oh my god and then you get no actually one of the biggest problems is double dog daring in jail. Yeah. So you'll double dog dare somebody to use a shiv on another guy.

And they're like, fuck, I have, if I don't do this, I'm a wimp. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what happens to wimps in jail? They get raped. It's true. That's what happens to wimp. That's what happens. They had to put on the wimp cap. It's like a dunce cap,

but it says wimp. Yeah. Yeah. All right. let's look at these lists how's that sound yeah top ten funniest things to do in a classroom this one is uh this is under this the sub genre or sub category uh of lists education

and then the category under that culture culture is education culture um this is kind of a ran this kind of kind of has a bunch of random list I love random shit it's kind of where the random users So the website come to play, I think. But this is by Rain Sage, this list, and its description is,

what are some of the funniest things to do in a classroom? Note, this is for humor only. This is not meant to offend nor be taken seriously. Yes, do not do any of this. That would be bad. So you guys hear that? This is all satire. I'm going to do every last one of these.

Yeah, I'm counting the days until the public schools in New York open up, and then I'm going to go. You, you with your fucking bald head walking into a school. Yeah, tell you what, New York City, public school system, as soon as you open, I'm going, I'm going on a rampage of Brinks. So, watch out. I'm going to cut that and post it out of context. Yeah, go for it. It won't matter.

You can say anything. You can pretty much say anything. You can pretty much say anything and not get in trouble. Yeah. You just can't. You can't make it in a. song but anything you'll never you'll never you'll never get contacted by an agency no of the government no never you can say or sing anything you want and never be

contacted by any sort of secret agency secret uh agent service provides a service to certain protected individuals yeah you'll be fine dude and if you if you make a song about it they will not contact you and it's covered under parity law that's true it's 100 percent covered under parody law and you will not get a call you'll never get a call that you from the boston uh the boston office with agent kennedy that will never happen to you dude all right let's please stop talking about this please please stop um what are some of this is from rain sage what are the i already read that you already fuck i don't want to go to jail You do want to go to jail, dude

I actually do You want to go to jail And you have a pre-made wimp hat to wear when you get in there If I go to jail, I'm immediately going Malibu's most wanted Yeah Just full fucking fubu Every single day They will not let you wear fubu in jail

They will Fubu, the jail I'm going to You're going to the Fubu prison? Yeah, I'm going to to New York Duh, New York Correctional Institution. Yeah.

The Cumb Correctional Institution. And you get a cool Fubu track suit, all blue, velvet. You get a... In Southern California, they have the come original correctional... Yeah.

All right, so number one, when the teacher presents you a question on the white board with an x on it throw a sharp pen or pencil at the x and hope it spears in the middle if it does say x marks the spot now that's not funny that's just bad ass yeah that's just like a that's like a robin hood like split an arrow with another arrow kind of yeah like that's so impressive you know you should you should uh that should get you like a golden ticket to skips yeah that's no that skips you a grade that's how you skip a grade if you can throw a pencil so well

that it hits an x but then it's also like uno where if you don't say x marks the spot yeah you go back all the way to preschool no matter what um yeah not uh not funny just cool yeah yeah just a very cool skill to have uh more classes in school should be archery based um and also did you guys have to do archery in middle school what kind of fucking school did you go to What are you even talking about? I guess he went to New Hampshire, yeah. Yeah, I did. Do you go to school in, like, New Zealand? No, I went to school in New Hampshire.

Yeah, dude, he went to school. He went to school in Blackthorne Keep. Yeah. Yeah. He was taught by a wizard, dude. Merlin taught him to a chant aeros. He went to the school at the beginning of the first fable game. Yeah.

Yeah, that's where he went. And his only classes were archery and fighting a night. Yeah. Dude, and instead of lunch, they had banquet, and that's why Pat looks like he does. You had to talk to a tree that looked like an old man, and that was the principal. They had a, they had a joust in the middle of our lunch room. Yeah. And it was the janitors would jowls.

With brooms, yeah. Yeah, but they would really die. You guys didn't have an archery unit? No. A unit? Of course not. Did they defend the school? That's insane.

Wait, you guys didn't have a moat around your school, would it filled with crocodiles? What in the world? Wait, did you guys school have an ancient curse on it, or was that just me? After the Adam Lanzas stuff, they put a moat around my school. Filled with crocodiles. You guys seriously didn't have, like, a bloodletting at the nurse's office or anything like that. You guys didn't have an evil teacher? An evil teacher that you had to defeat every single year.

And who came back to life at the end of every day. So you guys didn't... You're telling me you didn't have a giant three-headed dog that protected the homework. I don't understand why you guys didn't do like necromancy in your science class. I mean, I had a little bit of neck romancing, if you know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, because you... On Hannah. No, neck, no, I romanced. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You did necromancing. No. And mancing means...

That would be necromancing. I did neck romancing, but the woman's neck, and I left it, I left it, darted up with tons of little tiny things. What are those called? Stickeys. I had left stickies all on a bitch. Mm-hmm. So you had, you had archery. Yeah, we had archery.

I had an archery unit in the age. Yeah, man, how many, how many your friends were goblins in school? Most of them. Yeah, it was so clicky. my school. It was like the goblins and the orcs all sat with each other over here. Yeah, the goblins and the orcs. The humans and the halflings had to sit together. The bosmers had like their own table out in the woods. Bosmers ate lunch in the woods. Yeah. Yeah, man. And it was hard because all the bosmers were trying to eat the halflings and the humans. Yeah. One time I, one time I

pranked my teacher by putting a caltrop on his throne and I had to go to the dungeon after class. Yeah. You seriously, you did archery in school? Our senior prank was it. For our senior prank, we did a siege on the a tree. Yeah, we killed the principal with a battering ram. We killed the king of the middle school. Yeah, we did a Trojan horse.

We did a Trojan horse thing to the high school. That's how we got to freshman year. High school was normal, though. I didn't have a... Yeah, high school was just a normal human high school. Yeah. Human high. Runecape Middle School, uh, very different.

Yeah. I remember graduating getting full Devorak, uh, armor when I left middle school. It was so awesome, dude. Yeah, it sucked because our, our principal was a daydra. Yeah. The assistant principal was the calphite queen. Yeah. And, uh, we had to defeat him.

I remember one time the, the police, came to the school and had their curse sniffing dogs and confiscated a cursed ring from someone's locker. Yeah, dude, they found my enchanted blade. Yeah, they got suspended. They got suspended from reality. They had to go to a different realm. You don't know my girlfriend.

She goes to a different realm. Yeah, I guess I did go to a pretty weird, like, middle school. That I already talked about Diversity Day. Yeah, you didn't talk about diversity. No, no, no, no, no, immigration day. Yeah. Very different. Very different.

That's when they opened a portal and let the demons immigrate into your school. Yeah, they let the demons immigrated in school. No, but imagine, like, doing, like, immigration day and then, like, while that's going on, kids are outside shooting bow and arrows. my middle school was so fucked my whole school my whole school district was that makes sense i feel like new hampshire probably not i seemingly well funded enough to own archery equipment but uh probably besides that i'm guessing the teachers don't yeah no the archery equipment just belonged to one of the teachers yeah true i just had that and he's like hey why don't we add an archery unit this is what p.e is yeah i have i have i have

about 50 bows and 10,000 arrows do you guys want to add an archery unit to gym class Yeah, I just have these. Yeah. You're just around. It's so weird. I found these, man. It's buried underneath the school. I think your mic just unplugged or something.

Mine? Yeah. Is your audio just shared? Oh, shit. I'm smart. Yeah, you're going to have to restart that in audacity. Yeah, all right. I'm going to get down the time stamp.

You're so smart, dude. Number two, run over and scream at the teacher that she killed Larry. and then get out a plush toy out of your bag and pretend to grieve over it. No, that's funny. That's pretty good. That's some funny-ass shit. Yeah, accuse your teacher of murder, one of the Ten Commandments, you know? Yeah, teachers shall not murder.

Teachers shall not murder Larry. Yeah. Oh, and then somebody says, no, don't kill Larry. He's the best cucumber. Originally, there were, originally... Veggie tales, references. Originally, there were a lot more commanding. because they just got stuck on listing every day.

They were like, teachers shall not kill, janitors shall not kill, and just listed every type of person. But then they had to cut it down. Larry the cucumber was kind of the first pickle rick. That's true. Facts. You know? That's facts.

It's actually, it's a man who's a cucumber, a ganker, and he was, but he was kind of the opposite because he was so stupid for believing in God. Yeah. yeah that's the difference a cucumber is is pure and unpickled uh and because larry believed in god and a pickle the sour pickle the sour pickle who's nihilistic and atheistic who has lost his faith becomes a genius yeah he was pickled he was pickled in uh he was pickled in in vinegar and a copy of yeah he was pickled in your ass dude when you stuck him up there yeah that's right yeah that's right and then but uh but uh larry on the other hand was pickled in god's light and love

Yeah So he actually He's You know And he's looking for his hairbrush too He doesn't even have any fucking hair I think that's kind of the joke What?

Yeah Is that he They were joking? He's looked Yeah Yeah get this It's It's the whole thing was an allegory for a joke

What the fuck? Yeah It's true Oh my God They can't be doing that I took it serious Me too man I thought

the, I thought that plum bitch was hot. I thought he was in pain from not having his hairbrush. Probably all of them were in such horrible pain all the time because they're they're vegetables, they're slowly rotting away, decomposing at a very fast rate, but they have sentience and so they're just they're watching, they're watching themselves

just turn into absolute fucking compost. Dude, wait, fan theory okay. The veggie tales, all right, the vegetables, they're all in a coma in a hospital, they're vegetables in a hospital, dreaming. Yeah, those are all people... No! Take it back!

Those are all people, all the Veggie Tales people, they were all, um... They all were in like a Heaven's Gate-style Christian cult. Yeah. And they did a bunch of Kool-Aid and they... Yeah. Did you guys ever see the last episode of Veggie Tales where they cut to the hospital where it's all actually people in coma, dreaming that they're vegetables and they're all dressed up like you know like people in like the

SpongeBob musical that just dress in the same colors as the characters from the show yeah just Larry's just an all green and yeah it's like it's like it's covered in our warts yeah yeah he got some he got a chicken pox and it put him in a yeah it put him in a coma put him in a coma and turn him into a cucumber in his dreams yeah and then the bob the tomato was a big fat guy who he choked on something and Derned red. The peas were actually peas, though. I'm actually just peas.

Yeah. I'm looking right now at a image I found of the Veggie Tales as Humans. Fuck. Can you give that a send? Yeah. Yeah. How do I do this? You communicate it.

You send it. Spell out the URL. All right. So it is Google.com slash search question mark Q equals Veggie Tales plus as plus Humans. Oh, I'm looking at it now. And S-X-S-R-F equals A-L-E-K. Dude, you want to have S-E-X with a V-E-G-E-T-E-E-B.

You want to have S-E-X with a V-E-E-G-I-N-A. Yeah, you're right. No, no, a V-E-I-G-A. That's right. Dude, I'm going to have a little S-E-X with a B-I-G-A. dude. Nah, I don't believe you. Dude, from a G-U-R-R-I don't believe you.

I'm opening. Oh, yeah. Now, okay, so let's see here. I got this file you sent, Pat. Are these your friends that you sent you accidentally sent a picture of your friends? This is your family? This is my family, yes. Yeah.

Okay, so let me get this straight. These are, this is your family. Yeah, they all kind of look like you. Who's the, which one is, what's the dog? I like the guy who's just like a Spanish piece of garlic. Oh yeah, he's definitely He's one of the better better characters

And the onion? The onion, don't get me started on the onion What's the dog? Is the dog someone in the, what's the... Yeah, the dog is you, bitch. Is there a dog? Yeah, there's a dog in Veggie Tales. Who's the...

No, there was... It wasn't a dog. A dog is not a vegetable, buddy. That is when I get done with it. Yeah. Whoa. That's right, I beat dogs into a coma. He beat up.

Um, all right, what's, I'm, I'm back on this list. What's up? Number three. Number three, flop around on the table acting drunk. Then when the teacher comes over, then when the teacher comes over, then insists you are low on battery. Okay, that's pretty funny. That's what I say when I can't get a, when I can't get my penis hard and I'm about to have SEX with a V-I-D-I. Baby, sorry, I'm low on battery.

I have to recharge by playing video games. I need to recharge with. my plug. Yeah. I'm thinking about what that might mean. You know what I'm saying? I need to plug into my house. I need to plug into my house.

I need to plug my thingy into the wall. And then there's just a hole in the wall, not connected to an outlet. It's just a glory hole. Yeah. In your neighbor. There's just a bunch of bugs on the other side. Your neighbor just left you. Forks, folks.

I don't think, I think if I had a glory hall between my, my apartment and the one next to mine i don't think my penis would even fit through the the like i don't think it would make it to the other end you know i don't yeah i don't think it's physically possible yeah i think lord has a big penis that's yeah that's all yeah you're the thing about a glory hole is it's so it's not flattery you're losing like an inch or an inch and a half almost you're losing yeah you're losing like a good where's the glory in that i ask you yeah the glory in that of putting putting out your little two and a half inch and nub through the fucking hole

and just begging some guy who looks exactly like you to do something with it you know listen man truck trucker to trucker I promise I promise it's longer than this normally the bathroom stall is cutting me off dude they got they got some good like

bulletproof wall here yeah man they got man this must be he can clearly tell that it's like half an inch thick oh man that's weird man this must be like a six inch You know what? I bet it's thicker in the middle than it is on the end, so it may deceive you.

Oh, it's a bevel. It's a beveled wall. It's a bevel. Yeah. I think it's beveled maybe. They must have mudded over this part at some point, because it's definitely thicker here. Well, you know, I mean, you can just kind of play with it like the head's a big clip. Just do that shit to it, man. Yeah, it's kind of flick it. That's what I usually do. all right i'll see you at home bye dad yeah it says you have two bathrooms

side by side in your house and the upstairs i'll see you downstairs dad that's that's a wait hey baby uh uh i know you just got back from work but come to the bathroom i did a little something i think will spice up or sex life but i put a glory hole in the shower in the toilet

put a i put a hole in the toilet so i can stick my penis through and you can poop on it. Yeah. Pretty awesome. Number four, pretend to be a robot. That's kind of what the last one is. Pretend to be a robot as you silently watch the teacher answering in mechanical tones and terminology

if the teacher picks you to answer. Teach will get pissed. Then again. This is just like what the kid would Asperger's in my class did. Yeah. Just pretend to be a robot like once every two weeks. Yeah. I don't think he was pretending, dude.

I think that was just how his mind worked. Every two weeks, yeah. He had a glitch where the real him came out. He was a Terminator, and he was set back to kill me, but he got distracted by TV and Cheez-Its and just became Fat Kevin. Dude, all autistic people are Terminator secretly. That's true. Yeah.

Very true. Yeah, they terminate grips. Yeah. Those little things that bounce. Cheez-Sitz? You know, those little snacks to grips? Yeah. They didn't actually bounce, though, dude.

They were dog shit. Yeah. Like, in the fucking commercial, there was people, like, bouncing them, like, from half court, like, onto a, onto the ground, and then bouncing it back up into their mouths. That's such a funny... Skydiving and bouncing it and bounces all the way back up. Funny selling point for a food.

You can hit this off the ground. You can throw this off the ground, and it will go up into your mouth. Yeah. You can eat these off the ground in Costco. You can eat this food off the ground. Yeah. It's extremely. clean food you can eat it off the

new the new cheesy gordita double excel burritos you can eat it off the ground the new cheesy gordita puddle you can throw this shit at your bathroom wall and lick it off that's how clean this snack is I remember do you guys remember there was like one candy

that was it was like hair gel it was basically a gel and you would just like you would just squeeze it in your mouth that was just your dad's hair gel dude you got confused no it was super good I think it was called electric shave. You saw the green clubman stuff, and you were like, damn, that stuff looks so good to eat.

I think it was called, it was like Axe chocolate something. But yeah, you would squirt it into your mouth. Have you ever seen that clubman gel, the green barber gel? No. Oh, man, that stuff looks so edible. That stuff looks good. The thing is everything looks edible. It smells good, too.

Like every, I mean, I wanted, when I was a kid, I wanted to eat, You remember the, like, sketchers or whatever that had, like, the little gel, like, ball in it? I wanted to take that out with an ice cream scoop and eat it. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, that probably had, they probably hid sugar in this. Yeah.

I mean, the thing is nowadays, they can make cakes that look like anything. Yeah. So, if I'm walking down the street, and I, if I'm walking down the street and I see a pile of dog do, I mean, how do I know that Zumbos just desserts didn't just come through and leave it on the side of the road? It could be a cake. it's the craziest thing they make cakes look like anything they even have cakes that look like a wedding cake but there's two men at the top

or two girls it's crazy it's called a mirrored cake yeah no yeah there's a glitch in the cake we have when you buy it i'd like to uh hey i i saw you ordered this um this wedding cake from us but i just there was a glitch in your order form or it said you wanted you wanted two guys on the top no two girls we can do but two guys are you sure two girls i get it because it's like it's like kind of cool it's funny at the yeah it's funny but come on it's funny that that's basic what was her name kim whatever kim car dashing it's like her entire court case yeah it's just hurts like yeah i don't know there's a glitch um yeah so we just canceled your order whoops what was that lady's there was a glitch where we accidentally wrote the f word all over your cake i'm really

sorry. There was a glitch with my frosting bag. Yeah, that's my bad. Oh, Kim Davis. What an awesome name. Creator of Garfield's wife, Kim Davis. Yeah, she created Garfield's wife, Arlene.

But she's not related to Jim Davis. She just created a separate thing. Number five, begin whacking your ruler in the air and insist you were fighting against evil beings. This is what Patrick did at his

school. It's called playing for ten. I did. You had defense against the dark arts. I was, there was one time I put, you know, like, the when rulers had like holes in the middle. Yes. I put a pencil in the middle and started spinning it around. Your pencil-sized penis. I started spinning it around and I hit my math teacher in the face. There should be, he got really mad at me.

There should be a class called Defense Against the Dank Carts. And it's just, and you have to, and you smoke a, you smoke a dank cart I smoke a stack yeah you smoke a I've smoked weed like twice this week

and I've gone just completely insane both times yeah it's been pretty nice it's been kind of refreshing it's to go insane from weed and be bummed out about it but now it's like

what I mean I'm not gonna like it doesn't matter I have nothing to do the next day that's true throw all my clothes in my car man I haven't smoked weed since before quarantine I got to uh

I gotta go crazy yeah I gotta go mad I mean it's pretty fun to go crazy on weed every once in a while It's not fun when it happens every time When it happens every time That's been months though Yeah I thought that

The first time I thought it was going to be really bad But I just went crazy in a way that like I was just like Like I just drank like four cups of water in a row You know like the lowest level Of like weed crazy That's what I do every time Man I there was like a good like three month period

Where I was just smoking like way much weed. It's so funny that you became, somebody you thought they were allergic to weed to smoking weed all the time. And did you ever, did you ever smoke weed and then record? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Several times. And it ruined. Those are like our worst episodes. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a new level of Patrick. It was crazy. It was like, it was like just like like like drunk Patrick, but in the daytime. Yeah. Which is what I've been doing now. Yeah, now it's The day drinking is really

I'm going to have to just stop drinking for a month or something I've gained like eight pounds Just because every night I drink a bottle and a half of wine Damn, I've been drinking So much beer, man You've been drinking wine You've been gaining weight in your tits, dude You're turning into a woman

Um No You just said yeah No, I'm not I'm not Take it back No Take it back

No How about now Would you respect me If I had a big deep voice Oh hey killed his dad Just walked into the room Hey Hey son

Hey son you need to take the trash out Yeah I'm referring to your Your mother Hey dad Dad you and mom have been divorced For 15 years Why are you in this house I thought

I smelled you I left my keys here Yeah Yeah I I left a little bit of a cum in the toilet. I came to get it with a butterfly net. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I have a pool filter cleaner thing. What's that thing called? Net. I have a net. Yeah, I got a net. Number six, whenever the teacher asks you to hand something out, drop it all over the floor and insist that you were checking to see if gravity still works. I did this and I got expelled.

Yeah. I did this and they shot me into space. Yeah. That was so bad. What was the, when I, I remember, like, the biggest laugh I ever got in school was kind of a similar, like, physical stunt to this, where I was, like, turning in, like, my test in fourth grade to the front of the classroom, and I, like, you know, the teacher sets up her desk at the front so that people can come up and drop their test off.

And I walked up, and right as I was walking out, like, a bunch of police cars with the sirens on, sort of, like, racing past the school. and so I like I like threw everything off of her desk all the papers and shit and jumped over it and I said oh shit it's the fuzz and it just killed dude

I mean it was I mean it crushed the teacher the teacher could not stop laughing damn because that's a thing you can get away with anything if you just make the teacher laugh that's true yeah I did uh we were watching a video in health class we watched a fucking lifetime movie in my health class and sophomore year.

Nice. And, I don't know, freshman year. And it was about syphilis. It was about the dangers of transmitting syphilis. Yeah. And there was a scene where the boy goes, I got a gift for you. And there was a pause. There was a pause.

And I went, yeah, it's syphilis. And, oh, my God, destroy it. Dude, I absolutely crushed it. Dude, and that's, dude, and that's when I knew I was going to be a comedian, man. That's what I knew. That's what I knew. That's what I knew. I needed to go to an open mic in a basement.

Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much, I mean, I used to get laughs all the time in school, man. I used to go in the bathroom and share with everybody my balls in a big circle and everybody would point in laugh. And that's when I knew I was meant for the stage. That's true. And now I'm in a local, uh, all-white production of Hamilton. So, uh, it's pretty much, pretty much worked out perfectly. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think that exists? Of course. Absolutely. Do you think, like, some high school, some well-meaning high school? Yeah, of course. Yeah. In my theater class in college, somebody from Connecticut talked about how they did an all-we-well.

version of in the heights yeah which is also like way more like about being not white right yeah holy shit they were just like yeah we didn't we didn't know any Dominican people yeah so we just did in all white version town next to me did all white hairspray

damn how do you do all white air spray I know right yeah the people in my town actually did an all white version of Greece. It's pretty fucked up, dude. Yeah, none of them were Balkan. None of them were Italian.

Yeah, none of them were from Greece at all. No, this fucked up, dude. Yeah. Number seven, when the teacher picks on you to answer a question, replace a completely random word with something similar, completely different to it, and then scream, damn, you auto-correct, while writhing

in the ground in agony. The last part really adds another layer to it. That'd be good with anything. Yeah, I think that's just a separate thing. Yeah, finish eating your lunch and then writhe on the ground in agony. I think that completes any prank pretty well. Yeah, I mean, that's just, it doesn't matter what.

Oh, yeah, the next one's good. Yeah, in number eight, in a computer class, parentheses, it is called different things around the world. Randomly walk over to other students' computers and rotate the screens with control our alt arrow key, parentheses differs. If the teacher complains turn off their computer using a shortcut. It's different things all around the world.

In caveman country, it's called rock class. Yeah. Yeah. In the alien school, it's just called class. Yeah. In the Flintstones town, it's called bird class. Because you just type on a bird's feet. Yeah. What if the Flintstones had a computer? You got to use a shortcut to turn off the teacher's computer. I use a shortcut

I go around the back of the teacher's desk That's a shortcut I get there faster I get there before the teacher Yeah I pretty much teleport like in jumper Yeah there's a secret passage There's a secret passage It's actually like Pac-Man

Where if I go out one door And I come in the other side of the classroom Yeah exactly It's because it's computer's class Yeah Once you're in computer class you're in the computer Yeah once you're in computer's class Things act a little differently

in the classroom. Do you guys remember hearing about sex ed and thinking that you would get to have sex? No. I remember having this fantasy. I was very mature in sex ed. I had this fantasy when somebody told me like, yeah, you have to take sex ed next year, that I would show up and it would just be like a, like a Lisa Han as the teacher. And they should be like, okay, pair up with somebody and have sex with them.

Yeah. They had an anonymous question box. And in my brother's year, they had to get rid of the anonymous question box because all the kids were just writing just despicable things. Just despicable me, quotes. Yeah, they were just writing, they were writing, oh, ba-na-na-a-na-a-da-ba-na-na-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. We have to stop the anonymous box. They set up a team of millions.

They set up a team of millions. team of minions to ask too many questions. They're trying to steal the moon. Little did they know that would be similar to the 2016 election. Where a bunch of minions actually showed up to vote instead of people with consciences. I just remember there was a... Minions showed up for Trump, but Bernie Bros. didn't show up for Hillary.

So... There was a guy at college, at Emerson, a guy came in to... talk about like the comedy industry and he was like okay like we're gonna like just like write if you have any questions write them down and put them partner up and have sex yeah and then just points to a kid is like oh there's a definitely one extra you're with me and he was like write down your questions and put them in like this box and I'll answer them like I don't know why he did it and honestly it was really weird but then when he got really mad because one of the questions was, is it normal to have hair

down there? I think he's yelling at us. Oh my God, that's good. Just so incredible to do that in college. That's the best. Imagine, yeah, imagine being like a fucking comedy writer

and getting mad that somebody just won up to you. Someone's a genius. Somebody's funny. Yeah. Is it normal to have air down there? That's good, dude So funny

Yeah That's like when we did the When we had like the mock election for 2008 In my middle school There was like four votes for poop That just made me laugh Just four write-in votes for poop Yeah

Four separate people You're like yeah Poop Yeah they did that It was not organized Because we led a different write-in campaign For Chuck Norris Which won the election

But there was also There was four people who just like poop poop it's awesome yeah dude the funniest time of anyone's life 2008 yeah my uncle who the ghost

buster yeah he he every election cycle goes and votes for Mickey Mouse yeah so awesome so fucking sick dude yeah that's what I mean now that's kind of just what I'm going to do I bet Donald Trump is going to vote for Carol Baskin yeah oh that's a write-in campaign we can start yeah don trump carol basque 20 20 more like don krell basque trump whoa yeah more like don hall

don't like don't like don't zolo from boston comic oh my god dude that guy what a legend he's so sick that is that is such a funny name to like a to like a curtained off half empty nick's comedy stop yeah doing a doing a single like trigger happy every single joke just ends with and then the chinese guy did karate on me me. Does he know his name sounds like Han Solo? Is that on purpose? He does.

He posts about that sometimes, I think. I think that's one of his little lines. I like the idea of like all, it's just, his hour is just like 15 different stories of him having sex with different trans women and then just feeling tricked. And he's just like,

I just keep happening to me. He rocks, dude. Is that really? his whole set he was like uh he was like in a uh duncan donuts commercial or something with like julian edelman dude fucking gus a gus opened for him and said that it was like the best show ever he's he was like yeah he's perfectly suited for boston yeah yeah i mean he just can't he can't lose dude don solo he's a man all right um let's see let's do let's finish out this list how's that

All right, let's do it. Number nine, set a bell as your ringtone and time it to ring five minutes before the end of your final lesson. A student actually did this, no kidding. That's one of the comments. Damn, that's not even a bad idea, like recording the school's bell, and then that's an ultimate prank. Well, why wait until five minutes before the end of the final lesson?

Do it five minutes into the first class. Exactly. That's a special ability move. That'll, you have to save up your special ability bar to do something. that tricky. Five magic points. Yeah, you actually lose HP when you do that. Yeah, it's blood magic.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Number 10, jump on the table and do the macarena while singing tomboy's. It's okay to be gay. Patrick definitely did that. Yeah, Patrick didn't do that. Two great songs, Macarena, and it's okay to be gay.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, someone should do like a girl talk mashup of those two. Yeah, that'd be pretty good I love mash-up music, dude I hate when songs are just by themselves I need them to be mixed up with I love rock and roll Which is the one everybody Everybody mixes

Biggie Smalls and I love rock and roll And that's what mash-up music is Yeah, that's true Yeah, and then my aunt posts This is so crazy it works Yeah I actually unironically listen to this I unironically listen to this.

This is my favorite song, ironically. There's 20 top comments that say 0-0-0-free replay button. All right. I actually, I know we finish the list, but I do want to do this number 11. Yeah. Fill a bucket, we'll end it here. Fill a bucket of balls and tip them down the stairs and yell, my ball! That's pretty good.

That's pretty good, dude. Yeah, that's good. If I saw that, that would make me laugh. My balls. I mean, just say my balls any time is pretty good. The band, the new metal band Snott had shirts that said on the front, my balls, and on the back, your chin, which is pretty awesome. Because they have a song called My Balls. Do you guys remember that sketch from the state where he just, I'm going to dip my balls in it?

No. Yeah. Oh, my, that just, that's still, that's basically the, one of the best, one of the best dudes. Oh, one of the best guys. Ken Marino, one of the best comedic minds of all time, I feel. One of the generational comedic minds. Are you kidding? Ron Donald? Are you fucking kidding? Ronovan. Donald. McDonald.

Donovan? Yeah, pretty good, dude. Ray Donovan? Yeah. He's pretty awesome as Ray Donovan. He was pretty good as Rayman, raving rabbits. Ken Marino has Ray Donovan. He's just doing his exact character from from the summer camp movie What is Ray Donovan

He's like an Irish hitman Hitman? Hitman. He's an Irish pickman I think Yeah I think he's a pickman He's a little alien He follows around a big guy

Yeah But he is Irish Since we're not reading patrons anymore We should just mention the Patreon At the end of the episode So people still know it exists I have to buy a new microphone So please subscribe it

Just subscribe. We'll try to figure out a way to thank all the new patrons. You know what we'll do? We'll make a movie. We'll make a full-length movie. This will save time. Patrick will write a movie. Every single week.

I'm not writing. I'm actually, I'm writing the sequel to Jexe right now. Yeah, it's called Sexy, and it's from Patrick's perspective. It's about a sexy two. It's called Jxy 2. It's about a sexy 2-year-old that you love. No. Yeah, it is.

It is. End it there. No, no, no. We're not ending the episode there. you guys