Podcast About List - Ep. 104 - Betrayal in Bikini Bottom: A Critical Examination of Patrick Star’s Abusive and Disloyal Behavior in “Spongebob Squarepants”

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

we're getting intellectual on this one. we all have new mics but patrick doesnt know how to use his. from now on this is a spongebob based podcast. Peace and love to the middle east hope they figure that shit out theyre fighting like dogs and mailmen over there. Subscribe at www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All the Counts to the Monoliths. You're a crap monster. I guess the question is, do you guys think that this is a cool look to me? It looks pretty cool to me. Yeah. I think I look cool. I walk down the street, everybody's high-fiving me now.

Yeah. So describe your look. Describe your look to the listeners. I am wearing a black du rag and a gray tank top. Yeah, yeah, which is what they hand you when you move to Queens. Yeah, yeah. And also a Volvo with the Puerto Rican flag wrapped around it. Yeah, I got a vulva.

Yeah, you got a vulva. They install it to you when you move to Queens, dude. They turn you into a queen. But it's just so hot. I have to, this is why everyone... You have to dress like that. You have to dress like this because it's so hot. Yeah, it just makes sense.

I mean, and I always... Yeah, I mean, this is... is just what people in New York wear. Yeah. And now I finally understand. The do-rag, I didn't realize a do-rag is just to stop you from sweating. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think that's what it's for. No, it is. I think it's for waves. Waves of sweat that are cascading down your face. Yeah, that's why it's called a wave cap, because it caps the waves so that they don't hit the rest of your body. And then the wife-beater is also for sweat resistance. Yeah. It clings so tightly to you that it actually clogged.

all your pores you know in uh in england they call them they call those a jersey better name yeah better name than wife beater for sure but yeah what do they call they were they were they're both based off a guy from jersey who's a white leader that's true yeah that's where they called them yeah owned yeah new jersey's too easy to make fun of especially now that i'm a you know a new yorker it's right yeah it's too easy dude yeah that's your brother never ever been there but god it sucks they don't even have bodeca yeah they don't even have yeah i was at my local borga yesterday um and it's just so so amazing you know it's kind of like yeah it's like it's like a french salon you know it's just the melding of the minds everybody's there asking for a bec

you know and i'm asking what that is yeah and i'm wearing this exactly outfit, you know, the du rag and the gray white theater walking into the bodega. I do want, I do want to see you walk outside in that outfit. I will. I will. I'll see how that goes. I'm going to be, I'm going to be one of the famous Times Square people, like the Spider-Man. Yeah, you're, you're the Times Square person, but you're just Jamie Kennedy from Malibu's

most wanted. Yeah, I have gone full. You're like Elmo, but you're out there, you're going like, you're going like, you're Yeah, what's up, player? I have gone full JK MMW. This is my... This is my look now. Jedi Knight Malibu's Most Wanted.

It's one of the early 2000 Star Wars games. Yeah. No, but I have been looking, just looking like this for a couple days now. And we went and got a... We got a locker today for our apartment. Yeah. I did not... I wasn't wearing the du rag, but I was wearing the...

wife beater and I did not the guy was not getting good vibes off of me yeah yeah it was like in park slope and he was like he's definitely he was going to call the police on me yeah that's what they do to people like you dude yeah that's why it's so hard for people like me in new york city because the police

the police are always harassing us for wearing wife beaters and hanging out in bodega yeah it's fucking annoying dude My favorite bodega is the Empire State Building. Ever been to that one? One of the most powerful bodegas in the United States. Yeah.

Another great one is the one in the Statue of Liberty. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. See, because you can get, you can get like Cracker Jacks and a little Statue of Liberty there. Exactly. So what I understand about a bodega is that it is a place where you can get pizza. Uh-huh.

Yeah, exactly. So 7-Eleven is that bodega? Yeah. 7-Eleven is the world's bodega. Pizza Hut is a place. bodega. Chuckie cheese is at Bodega Jr. And that's just, you know, I'm learning

and I'm growing as a person every day in this beautiful city. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, the rule here now is like, like the subway is for essential workers only. And I just want to roll on that bitch looking like this

so bad. And then when someone asks, I'm like, I'm a nurse, obviously. What do you fucking think? They really did the subways for essential workers only? That's what when you, well, I wrote it yesterday, but luckily I was wearing a suit. But basically when you walk on like that voiceover thing is like the subway is for essential workers only. Please do not travel. But I don't think they actually, I don't think they actually check.

They do. Yeah, they would if I went on it now, but I think I'm okay. You have to show them your essential workers card Apparently an essential job is being like a white dude in Jinko jeans Walking up and down the subway card asking for money I didn't know that but apparently that's essential That's an essential part of the New York ecosystem That's true yeah

They have to have it is one of those guys He travels between the cars That's not something people do in Boston but they do it here Where they just people just walk between the cars Because it's cool That's so much cooler like in every movie I've ever seen where there's a chase.

Yeah, they go through the subway cars. Yeah. Here, everybody does that. Everybody clings to the top of the subway car when they go under a tunnel. They stand on top and they jump over when they go under a tunnel. Exactly, to escape a guy who wasn't quite fast enough ducking, so he gets hit by the tunnel. Yeah, he gets hit by a traffic sign going by. But you don't see it because it's a PG-13 movie.

Yeah, they actually have turnstiles on top of the train because so many people do jump off of bridges to land on top of the train. Yeah, that's like, they actually have a turn saw on every bridge, too. Yeah. Because you could jump off the bridge. They want to make some money off people committing suicide for once. Yeah, exactly. That's how they're going to get.

Listen, you're allowed to jump off this bridge. You're allowed to jump off this bridge, but you have to pay 25 cents first. It's very cheap. Yeah. It's a very cheap. It's honestly a pretty good deal. Yeah, it's very cheap because if it was too expensive, people wouldn't kill themselves. Yeah, but they're going to raise that in like two years.

Yeah, they keep raising it, dude. It's the worst. Back in my day, it was 10 cents. 10 cents to kill yourself off a bridge. It used to cost a dime to kill yourself. Now it's damn near a nickel. Yeah, they got you putting all kinds of coins up in there. And if you try to jump the turnstile, there's a cop there who's going to shoot you in the head.

Yeah. And now they want you to do this contactless pay on it with your phone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. Disgusting.

Please. Yesterday I was, somebody did try to assassinate me on a bridge with a firework. Yeah, I was walking over the Manhattan Bridge. Yesterday me and Jan, I went on a 10-mile walk. Wow. And I wore vans. Nice. That's very smart.

Yeah, I got fucked up. But while we were crossing over into, like, as soon as we like stepfoot in Chinatown, giant firework explodes right next to my head that somebody shot from the ground. Damn. And then they ran away like cowards before I could kill them. So, but I was going to and retaliate for them. attempting to kill me and my bride. Yeah, I would have teleported to them, but that was just me, you know?

Yeah, I pretty much thought about that. I almost spent my throwing knife, but then I, but then I was like, you know, I'll never get that back. Yeah. You know, that'll be in some evidence locker for the next 20 years, and that thing was given to me by a Shinobi. Yeah. Yeah.

A Shinobi who looks exactly like me right now, and he lives in Astoria. What are you? guys been up to I've been up to fucking nothing been packing packing yeah how does

you got you got way too many boxes I think no no there's so much shit in this apartment you think you

have that many things we needed yeah dude we couldn't like when we first moved here

we couldn't walk right no you know what it is is this place is so fucking small that we need like we got like a bunch of small

boxes so it doesn't like crowd the place up the new place is small no this place is small Oh, this place is small. Yeah. But it's the same amount of stuff, but you're just, you just think smaller boxes will... We got small boxes and medium...

No, no, no, let's... Okay, you got small, medium and large. But what is your rationale... Forgetting all those boxes? Forgetting small boxes instead of large boxes. Because I've been... Can you admit before that it's going to be the same... We've been transporting them, we've been just, like, packing shit up, and then

putting it in Dom's parents' garage. So it's easier. It's easier to put small boxes in her car and bring them to the garage. Okay. Okay. We arrived at somewhat of an explanation. Yeah, that's good enough for me.

That's the first time I've made sense. Yeah, that was incredible. Yeah. They must have turned the AC on in Pat's building for this episode. Yeah, no, dude, I'm still, I need to get somewhere with AC to record soon because every, every fucking episode I've been chicken-brained. Yeah.

Yeah, people want the chicken brain episode. You don't want it, but you don't want it. You don't want the chicken brain episode. Yeah, I promise. I promise you, it's not, it's not good for you. I'm not sure if I have it or not. I might have it on a hard drive, but I refuse to check. I don't want to go back and listen.

It's just not good. It's imagine, yeah. It might as well have been all wearing a KFC bucket on our heads. Yeah. Imagine like, imagine like the worst episode that you've heard of this podcast and then add like 50% more. more dead air to it yeah i had a about two pounds of chicken yeah yeah two pounds of chicken and then me saying something about the chicken also cameron's like first time having fried chicken which is like somebody's first time having a cigarette like they vomit yeah anytime somebody has a kFC for the

first time like yeah Cameron had to leave Cameron like he ate one piece and to teach him a lesson we should have made him eat the entire i did not eat one but i think i ate two pieces it is it is it is the The one-year anniversary of the chicken episode I would like to point out We did record the chicken brain episode one year ago today I did get an Instagram notification I might have to I might have to fuck around with some chicken today

Yeah now that we're talking about it Yeah I might have to hit the chicken spot Yeah Yeah which is another word for Bavega Yeah I fucked up my neck I slept on my neck weird and fucked it up Yeah you need to stop sleeping

pencil dive You need to stop pencil diving onto your bed and getting stuck Just sleeping straight up I do a handstand to fall asleep But then sometimes my arms give out And I land on my head That could have snapped my neck in my sleep That's why you're so smart

Because the blood has been pooling in your brain Yeah dude If I bend my neck right when I'm sleeping It restricts the blood from leaving my brain So it all gets, stays in there and gets smarter And it practices being in my brain And it's increasing my intellect practice. I've been doing brain practices

lately. Yeah, that's why my grandma, she had a brain bleed, but for that last hour, she was like the smartest bitch in my family. Yeah. Yeah. It's when that blood gets moving up there? I mean, she was just doing math problems and stuff in the hospital bed. And we're like, we need to get you a job.

And then she died. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty funny. It's funny when grandma's died. Yeah. I stole this wife beat her from her. Yeah. After she died. She gave She gave this white beater durag combo to me and her will. Yeah.

The wife beater is actually her giant bra. You better take that back about Catherine. That's not cool. You better take that back about Catherine DeVita. Thank you. I take it back. What are your grandparents' names? Mine?

Yeah. John and Ruth on my dad's side. And then Bob and Nancy on my mom's side. And everybody, but John is dad. That's such a great, like, young adult novel name. Everybody, but John's dead. Right? John is in, like, blood.

Yeah. John, I've talked about John on here. Is he the one who meowed like a cat? No, yeah, he's the one who, oh, yeah, he's the one that ran away. He's the one who ran away from home and lived in a box car. Yeah, he's the one. He packed up a bindle. Yeah, he packed up a bindle full of kombucha and, like,

smell and salts. He just poured kombucha into a cloth. He poured kombucha into a bag. And then wrapped it up in a bandana and put it on a stick in the middle of winter and was like,

hey, I'm not to be home late. I'm off to ride the rails. Yeah. I'm off to see the world. I'm off to do this kombucha. I'm off to do kombucha. I'm fucked, dude.

He's boofing kombucha. He's booing. Where is your mic, microphone do you even have it yeah I do where is it here oh no this is gonna oh my god you're talking idiot no it sounds fine no it sounds fine yeah it does so much background noise dude you're so stupid oh my god no I'm not I'm not gonna pick up any background noise oh well Caleb ruined the last episode's audio Pat will ruin this one it's all yeah so I will never ruin an episodes audio once in my life because I'm too

smart sweet of you yeah I can't care about the fans more than you guys. You do not care. I don't care about anything. I don't really care about anything. You're so selfish. I've been doing a lot of Squidward Joker lately. I've been doing like,

you want to know how I got this big blue nose? Well, my father was a Squidward. I've been really, really getting myself with that. This clarinet. the clarinet in my mouth and said why side up why so squidward

oh fuck yeah really really making myself happy with that one that's how I'm getting through the days I used to know a sponge I used to work at a hamburger store

yeah he put his claws in my mouth And he said, Squinward, why don't you smile more? He put his claws in my mouth, and he said, Where's me first dollar? I had a boss. Used to curse a lot, said, E-he-he-he-he.

Remember that episode? I remember that episode. Wait, he didn't say that. That's what the swear is. He cures with the doll. He swears. He says he has a salty mouth. Yeah, he swears like a dolphin.

He swears like a fucking dolphin. Now I know. Now I know. What else does the Joker even say? Googuga. That's what he says. Yeah. I love.

The Joker says, or Squidward says Ron Jeremy was arrested and charged for sexually assaulting. That's what Squidward is? What are you saying? Oh, nice man. What happened to Ron Jeremy? Ron Jeremy has been charged with four counts of sexual assault. Whoa, this is huge, breaking news. Here's a really great tweet here.

Ron Jeremy was arrested and charged for sexually assaulting 21 fewer women than Trump. Thanks, dude. Wow. Wow. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, no, that makes it, that makes it, um, I know, no, no. Yeah, no, no, no, I'm going to use that in court. I'm with you guys.

We should release. release Ron Jeremy. Mm-hmm. We should release Ron. Anybody who has less than 25 counts, I think they should be free. Hey, if Trump gets away with it. Because he's the president.

So also, also, Ron Jeremy should be the president now. Yeah. That's also how it should work. Yeah, no, because it's fewer. And when you justify it that way, and he's kind of like, he only gets to be one sixth president. Because he only did one sixth of it. Oh, so actually, people have to hit 20.

to become president. Yeah, it's like a kill streak. That's like the tactical nuke. President. Um... Oh yeah, Pat, you have to do your new character on this episode. Oh, fuck. Pat, we promise the fans Pat will do.

I know, but I texted you this morning. I already told you what happened. Patrick has to do it to reveal his new character, Homie Hamburger that he's been developing. No, no, I can't, I don't even... You can. You absolutely, you have to. I texted you this morning.

I lost all my notes. You can get a hamburger. Did you, were they in a mole skin or something? Yes. You see, you know, you got to use an app, dude. You got to use Evernote. Yeah. You can't be using a mole skin for stuff like that.

Fuck, man. I don't know. I like using my micron pens. So how'd you lose them? Subway. Subway sandwich or subway train? Subway on the way to subway. on the way to subway

did it fall out of your big pocket with a hole in it no I think I might have left it on the 7-11 counter on the way to subway you were reading you were testing the new character on the 7-Eleven cashier yeah left the notebook by accent that's

that's what happened yeah can I pitch you my new character sounded like yeah come on no I had I had a wave form drawn that you were going to mimic Yeah that I was going to mimic and do the voice of Did the waveform spell out anything cool? It said homie hamburger

I will say it Well I don't remember Well you just look at it Type out homie hamburger and recreate this Yeah look at that No no it was a special wave form It was like the Nintendo Labo Piano And I have to

Oh Look I just want to first of all I want to apologize Did it sound like this? Homie hamburger. Did it sound like that? No. Okay.

So it just sound like this? Homey hamburger. Did it sound like that? That's closer. Okay. So something like, I'm a hamburger. Is it like that?

I. Just tell me if I'm getting closer or further away. Okay. Keep getting, keep going closer. Okay. So is it like, Hammy hamburger. Is it like that?

A little bit closer. Getting closer. Okay. Is it like. I think that might be it. I think that might be it. I think, wait. Wait, now, now, Cameron,

now say. Now say, hey guys, we're going to, uh, hey homies, we're going to go get a hamburger. Hey, homie, we're going to get a hamburger. That was it. That was the way. Say, if I don't get a hamburger, I'm going to bust a cap in your ass. If I'm going to get a hamburger, I'm going to bust a cap on your ass. That's exactly it.

Is that like homie hamburger? That was homie hamburger. Wow. Thank you, thank you, Cameron, for performing homie hamburger. Yeah, I'm actually a sound detective. So I've, I've been working on stuff like cases like that for years. you're the producer. How did you get that job?

I basically detected a bunch of sounds, and then the police contacted me and said, we'd like you to work for us. And I accepted immediately. So you work for the police? Yeah. Whoa, what? Whoa, what? You guys didn't know that?

Huh. Take one good look at me and tell me that I'm going to be happy with that. Do I look like I would fucking do a podcast with the police? Yeah. You look like an undercover top The worst undercutter top ever He's a white dude A white dude walking in

In a gray cake top A gray white beater and a du rag Me like Hey what's up man I'm in the bodega Are you guys selling drugs here? Oh man Hey man have you guys seen any guns around just immediately getting your ass beat for that accent

I put I put a mascara on my like on the hair on my upper lip to make it look like I have a thin pencil mustache god damn yeah bad showing my blue lives matter tattoo showing through my chest your punisher logo with the Confederate flag Hey man, do you guys sell loose cigarettes? I just want to put one in my ear. I'm just going to put it in the wave cap. I'm just going to have it hanging out of the wave cap. That's all I need it for.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking at that one Photoshop of LeBron wearing the du rag with the cigarette in it and trying to match it exactly. Yeah. You're looking at your phone up to the bathroom mirror in the bodega and going like, Oh, come on, my brother's in the force need this. Come on, come on. You're so close.

Yeah. I have like the most, I have like a full-linked XLR cable attached to a Zoom on my chest. You're wearing like a GoPro on your head. Yeah. And the poor like 70-year-old Mexican lady who just makes sandwiches. the store is so confused she thinks on one of her son's friends your xLR cable is like going all the way

like outside to like a huge like it's plugged into a van it's plugged into like a huge like martial stack that's being like pointed at the police station so they can hear everything you're saying it's okay everyone else Yeah, and you're talking into a paper cup on a string and there's a police officer outside with the cup who is here. And then I get back to the precinct and they're like, yeah, it turns out today is a day we defunded the plane-clothes officers program in New York. Fuck, man. I worked so hard on that accent.

Yeah, I took classes. I worked so hard. I listened to the Cheech and Chong Mexican-American American. American song for three hours. Yeah. I downloaded a Daddy Yankee album for nothing. All right.

What's our list today? This list is on ranker.com. And it's called the headline of the article. If you look on the website itself, it says, Patrick is a terrible friend to SpongeBob if you just pay attention. But if you look at like at the top at the tab, it is actually a list. It says 14 reasons why Patrick is a terrible friend to SpongeBob. And if I'm not mistaken,

this is, these 14 reasons are what white nationalists are referring to when they use that number. I think it is. Yeah. There's a, there's a tab here on the side that says winners and losers. and it looks like today Barry Pepper moved down so Barry Pepper Sorry, sorry Sorry, man, you're today's You're the ranker.com loser

Oh shit, Faith Walper moved up Oh, good, good for Faith Walper So did Black Adam Who's Black Adam? That's the villain from Shazam Ah, okay Yeah He's Egyptian

I thought it was just how suburban white teenagers refer to their one black friend. Yeah, that's what they call Pete Wince. Yeah. They call him Black Adam for some reason. No, they're actually doing a new, diverse reboot of Adam ruins everything. Oh. And they're sending out a casting call for Black Adam. Yeah, one of the greatest names, for sure.

Patrick is a terrible friend of Spunned off, you just pay attention. SpongeBob SquarePants remains a beloved show with incredibly memorable characters. One particular personality, though, seems eviler than most people realize. In fact, he's the absolute worst. Fan theories about Patrick Starr demonstrate he's an awful friend to SpongeBob and might even hurt his supposed pal on purpose. When it comes to SpongeBob SquarePants theories, fans believe Patrick is often responsible for the title character's perils.

Patrick frequently shows how little he cares and his relationship with SpongeBob looks toxic at best and abusive at worst. It's easy to see why many people think the smiling pink starfish is a complete psychopath. This is awesome, dude. First, I thought this was going to be like from a 13-year-old, but it is like a, it's like an ex-Gawker writer. Yeah.

It's like, well, Patrick is actually an abuser. Yeah. This is from 2019. Man, it's so funny how, like, Every stupid fucking, like, take, like, oh, like, hymboes or pedophile, dating a hymbo makes you a pedophile and stuff, it always traces back to some form of, like, media conversation that a person was having. Yeah, every single time. Like, literally, the hymboes or pedophiles thing, I think, uh, who showed me that? Um, it was someone, uh, you, because you, yeah, it was me in the mirror, because I wrote the hymboes or pedophiles.

Yeah, you wrote it on a mirror. is that's how you write things It was about So that started because they were talking about Andy from Parks and Recreation Yeah dude Total hembo Yeah

Dude so fucking stupid Like just like just turn the fucking TV Like it's literally just people who think like Oh like if I if I criticize media That makes me smart It's like no TV is real life dude yeah I mean it's saying that people People go and get

eight year degree or six year degrees in media criticism yeah you know and then they come away and they're like neo is actually not the good guy the good guy was the computers yeah yeah it's like how fuck can you be you're um you're a messed up person yeah Patrick is actually the the the the anti hero yeah of uh yeah he's sort of uh that was desani bottle who sent me that Desani bottle? Yeah, that's my name. Yeah, that's my name, too, actually. Yeah, we're all named.

I'm Desani Bottle. No, you're not. Just me and Caleb. No, I am too. No, you're not. We're both DeSani Bottle. You're stupid Patrick. Actually, I'm...

You're one of those little flavor water enhancers, because you can't drink white water. Yeah, you're Mio. Yeah. Because you can't even fucking handle just a plain water. You're one of those guys who's like, this water tastes creamy. Yeah.

What? You're one of those guys who thinks Nestle water takes creamy. What does that mean? Yeah, you're like, damn, this water. And water takes creamy. Why can't I say taste right now?

Who the fuck says Nestle water tastes creamy? You do, bitch. There's guys who believe that. Yeah. I don't know one of them. I'm one of those guys. You're one of those guys. Yeah.

Nestle, why can I say anything right now? I just said Nestle, it tastes creamies. It tastes creamy. There's too many minerals in it. And I hate minerals. Yeah, minerals are the worst. Keep minerals out of my food. Yeah. If I wanted to eat a rock, I'd eat a fucking rock, okay?

Exactly. Yeah. Or I'd eat one of those chocolate rocks that looks like a rock, but it's chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll eat an orange, all right. A dark chocolate orange that I have to punch to open. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll eat a bunny, all right. A chocolate bunny that I have to punch to open. Yeah. Yeah, I'll eat an egg. That's what I'm talking about. Butter egg.

I'll also eat a normal egg, too. Yeah, I'll eat a hamburger. A big chocolate hamburger with chocolate patty and chocolate ketchup. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'll eat a hamburger. Yeah, I'll eat a hamburger. Yeah, no, I'd love to eat it. Yeah, mom, mom, let me make dinner tonight.

I'll make pasta. Yeah, chocolate pasta. Spaghetti. With chocolate noodles and chocolate mariner sauce. Yeah, man, yeah, I'll eat a bar and a kiss. Yeah, a chocolate bar and chocolate kiss. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Uh-huh. Damn, I hate eating a normal bar. Me too. It's a bar? My mom makes me eat a bar. Hey, kids, grabbing bars for dinner tonight. Hey, kids, kids, we're having kisses tonight. Hershey's kisses?

No, meat kisses. We're eating a meat and vegetable kiss. Don't get your hopes up. Number one on this list is he makes SpongeBob feel ugly. Wow. Everyone deals with bad breath at some point, but SpongeBob's Sunday breath takes the cake in Season 2 episode 1, something smells. His breath gets so bad, everyone runs away from him.

SpongeBob goes to his best friend for advice, but Patrick tells him people are actually running from his bad looks. Patrick claims SpongeBob needs to scream to the world about his ugliness. Patrick even accuses SpongeBob of passing ugly to him, like a contagion. Way to crush your friend's self-esteem, Pat. Wow. I can't believe that. It's fucked up, dude.

It's true. That's something you should never do to a friend is when their bad breath makes an entire, movie theater full of people have um they're start crying from the bad breath and they all run out and there's in fire start and stuff and then you say it's because they're ugly that's that's abuser behavior if there's one thing i would never do is call anybody i know especially not my close friends fat or ugly you would never call your friend fat yeah never no no and so i think that's kind of you know we're seeing a pattern emerge here from patrick um and i think think this is kind of, this is an early episode, this is kind of the beginning of his

abusive behavior. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Yeah, and also it's intersectional because SpongeBob is yellow, and he's actually pink. Mm-hmm. So there's something there, too. Yeah, there's something there. And he's not, well, it's intersectional because he's yellow and he's also a cartoon.

That's true. Yeah. Yeah. And he's square. He's a shape. And he's square. And he just found out that he's gay. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. If that is an intersectional, I don't know what it is. I heard that. I heard that from the TV. If that isn't intersectional, then I have no idea what that word means. Yeah, if you're not talking about SpongeBob being a shape and a color, I don't understand. A professor is like, so do you guys understand the concept of intersectionality?

And I'm like, yeah, I've seen SpongeBob, you stupid bitch. You stupid Irish bitch, shut up. Number two, he stabs SpongeBob in the back. That's true. The audience doesn't see Patrick's family until season two episode 17. I'm with stupid. Already problematic in my eyes. Patrick's parents know their son is dumb,

but like a good friend, Spongebob tries to help by feigning idiocy, hoping to make Patrick look smarter in comparison. Instead, Patrick starts treating Spongebob like he is dumb. He and his family openly laugh at and ridicule SpongeBob. Without a second thought, Patrick takes advantage of SpongeBob's kindness and doesn't hesitate to treat him like garbage. Now, what's really deep and profound about this episode is it's kind of like a meta storyline where we're basically invited to view our own interactions with the character of Patrick Starr through the lens of reality within the show, you know? Because we sort of, whenever Patrick Starr shows up on the TV, I start screaming at him and I start throwing things at my TV and saying you, you fat, shirtless, pink, stupid, moron. And Patrick's actually

says those exact things to SpongeBob in this episode. So it's kind of a dark reflection of our deepest selves. It's a dark reflection of Cameron's TV. It's a dark reflection of my behavior toward my television. In season two episode 17, Patrick invites us into his family's twisted world. Yeah.

You know, it's 22 minutes of pure existential horror as we are forced to see not only a normal Patrick but also a girl Patrick, and a boy, Patrick. Yeah, this is kind of like, this episode is pretty much the same as the strange thing about the Johnson's.

Yeah, it is. It's kind of exactly the same. I heard that this episode of SpongeBob was inspired by this. And that's also, and that's kind of subtextually, you can see the way that Patrick looks at his father. And you can see, well, why is Patrick not wearing a shirt, but his father is? It's because his father is afraid of what will happen if he takes the shirt off.

Notice that there's no scenes with Patrick alone with his father That's because they got cut out by the censorship board Yeah, that was actually Yeah That was actually one of the One of the other things It was a side thing on Squidward's suicide There was actually that those scenes

It's true Yeah Originally in in Originally Patrick Star was supposed to be oriented So that he had one leg and he was shaped like a pentagram due to his evil nature. Yeah.

But they were forced to invert him. Well, if Patrick goes... But then Eminem came along and everybody got weird about stuff and they... Yeah, and Sandy Hook... They had to change it. Yeah, and then Sandy Hook happened,

and the writers of SpongeBob actually knew that, and they predicted it Simpson style. Yeah, they actually... The Lost episode that Patchy the Pirate is always looking for. They had the Sandy Hook episode where... That's actually where SpongeBob gets his holes from.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, man. It's true. He gets completely Swiss-cheased. Yeah. They actually had to change the Patrick Star character's name from Patrick Klebold. Yeah.

Yeah. Number three, he forces SpongeBob to raise a baby scallop by himself. This, I don't think it's too bad. This is just what a man's purpose. Parenting can be tough, especially when one parent doesn't do their fair share. SpongeBob learns this in Season 3, Episode 9, Rockabai, Bye Valve. Spongebob and Patrick find a baby scallop and decide to raise it. The scallop behaves a lot like a human baby, needing everything from feedings to diaper changing.

While SpongeBob proved himself a capable parent, Patrick spends his time watching TV, staying out late with friends and eating ice cream and donuts. He promises to come home and help, giving SpongeBob a day off, but he never shows. He's a bad adoptive dad and a selfish partner. You don't always have to take care of your kid. Yeah, exactly. And if you want to eat ice cream and donuts and you want to hang out with your friends. What if your kid kind of sucks?

Yeah. What if your kid? That's basically my plan. I'm going to have a... What if your kid is like, oh, I want, dad, I want to go see Hamilton or something. Or like, oh, dad, I need to, I need $50 to go hang out with my friends. Yeah. Yeah, $50 to hang out with your friends.

What are you doing, kid? You know, it's like, are you renting your friends? Yeah. You need $50 to hang out with your friends. What are you going to do? Oh, we're going to go, we're going to go to the Think Geek. We're going to buy meme, we're going to buy meme funcos. Yeah, yeah.

I need $100 to rent out a Wii work for an hour so that me and my friends can brainstorm our next app. Exactly. Shut up. If your son does that, it's perfectly okay to close. him into the fold of the pull-out couch and you sit on it and need a tub of ice cream and you watch your TV. Yeah, we have a trundle bed. Our son is attached to the bottom and we only take them out when we need them. Yeah, it's true. The thing is if you, if you know, if you're, if you're a husband and your wife is at home, take care of the child and you're, and you're out eating

ice cream with your friends, it's okay, it's like perfectly okay to call your wife and say, hey, I'm going to come home and take care of the baby and give you a day off. Even if you don't do it, that gives your wife hope, which is a powerful force and, you know, can push your wife to make better choices and take care of the baby better, which... Yeah, basically, it's all about making your wife happy enough that she gives you an extremely fire blowjob. And so if you lie to her and say, like, yeah, I'll take care of the kids. That's what Michael Rappaport would say in his show, The War at Home. Yeah, I'm actually dressed in a Michael Rappaport Halloween costume right now.

Yeah. You're wearing Michael Rappaport's home attire. Yeah. Michael Rappaport walking around his billion-dollar Manhattan apartment in house shoes. Number, I don't remember what number we're on. We are the next one. We are number four. Four, he steals Gary SpongeBob's beloved pet. That's okay to do. If you like your friend's two hairless cats, you're allowed to go to his house at night and sneak in through the window and take them out and play with them all.

all night without your friend knowing even if he's not at your friend even if he's just a guy that you follow online yeah no yeah it's perfectly legal it's perfectly legal to triangulate his location based on locations mentioned in the reason is it's effectively legal because the statute of limitations on stealing pets is one minute yeah so as long as you get as long as you can hide for one minute he just looked up he just looked up at me after you said all that and that what did he says he He looks pissed. He doesn't speak English. He looks pissed.

He can't hear us. You're wearing headphones. He's emotional. Did you give your cat headphones to listen to us? Yes. I have a splitter. You have a splitter? He likes to listen to music. What kind of music does he like?

It's perfectly okay to steal a pet. He listens to cat music. Yeah. Like what? Cat Stevens. Oh, come on, dude. Dude, that's a good one. Come on, bro.

You serious? We get paid to do this now. You can't just throw that out, dude. You can't just say Cat Stevens, man. You get paid. Like, not a little bit of a month. I'm sorry. Every month to do this, and you say Cat Stevens, dude.

Yusuf Islam. There we go. Yeah, there we go. That's better. Uh-huh. That's his new name. Well, it's been his new name. It's been his name.

It's been his name. Appropriately, what are you saying? In season two, episode nine. Changed his name to Yusuf Islam? Is that true? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were saying your cat's name was Yusuf Islam. Yeah, I'm changing my cat's name to Yusuf Islam.

Yeah. Apparently titled Dumped. Gary ignores, oh, appropriately titled Dumped. Gary ignores, oh, appropriately titled Dumped. Apparently. Apparently, this one's dumped. Okay, Stephen Hillenberg. Okay, I see what, okay.

Gary ignores SpongeBob to play with Patrick. SpongeBob realizes this and feels crows. Throughout the episode, Patrick doesn't hesitate to rub this in SpongeBob's face. When SpongeBob makes a plea to get the snail back, Patrick calls him pathetic. This is not the behavior of a true friend. Luckily, Gary eventually returns to his original owner. If Gary wants to go hang out with Patrick, then Gary can go hang out with Patrick. We're erasing the autonomy of this character, Gary.

But you got to, well, you have to think, especially now with SpongeBob's coming out, you know, is Gary homophobic for not wanting to hang out with SpongeBob? Yeah, and that's okay. Because Gary's a snail. Gary's a snail. No, I'm saying Gary's a snail. That's what Cameron is saying. Cameron said that.

Cameron said normalize homophobic. I didn't say that. I would say it, but I didn't say it, okay? Okay. But Gary's a snail, what does that have to do with him? Well, do you think the experiences of a, do you think the experiences of a snail and a sponge are equal in this realm of a bikini? bottom, okay, there's, a snail suffers a far greater, um, axis of oppression, many

convergences of oppression, okay, in, in this, um, in bikini bottom. Yeah. Whereas a sponge, a sponge has it made, okay? You can work as a fry cook and you can afford a whole entire pineapple, all right? Do you think, a snail has, a snail has to live in a, in a little, in a dog house or something. I don't know where Gary lives. How is Spongebob affording a whole house on a fried cook salary? That's right.

Hold on. It's the new girl problem. Yeah, it's the friend's problem. It's the new girl problem. Tell me how unemployed little SpongeBob with his colorful paddy's stand is affording that big ass pineapple. He's a, something tells me he inherited some money. Yeah. Right?

Look, they barely work, and he can afford a pineapple. bikini bottom? I'm tired of these rich sponge gays pretending that they go through the same struggle as a snail. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. A lowly snail. Yeah.

You run into the Pluto problem, I would say, with Gary. Because why is he not, like, you know, why is he not autonomous? Why does he not have... Well, there aren't really any other autonomous snails in the show, so I don't think... The snails exist as like a low life form.

Well, it's just like a cat in real... a life. But you got a, you got a starfish that, that eats chocolate bars? No, he's, it's not, there's no, are there, is there one an episode where Gary talks? Uh, there's one where he has, or, he, uh, SpongeBob has a dream that Gary's British. Oh yeah, okay, that's what I'm thinking. It was a dream. All right. Number, number the next one is, is, is he accuses SpongeBob of lying. That's very abusive to accuse someone of lying. That is, That's true. Everything that happens in Season 2, Episode 7, Life of Crime, is Patrick's fault.

He convinces SpongeBob to steal a balloon, then the two of them run away from home, but the problems don't stop. Both of the friends have candy bars, but Patrick eats his and promptly forgets. Immediately, he accuses SpongeBob of stealing his candy. SpongeBob, ever the trooper, offers Pad his candy to make peace, but Patrick refuses, threatening to report Spongebob for balloon theft. Everything turns out okay because it's free balloon day, but Patrick acts incredibly disloyal. loyal. This reminds me of a little

shake shack debacle that's been going on in the news lately. This reminds me of every crime. This reminds me of crime. Yeah.

Yeah, this reminds me of crime. How fucking sick would it be if you commit a crime and, like you do a carjacking or something?

And then... It turns out it was free car day. You're like, oh, it's free car day, actually. Yeah. Yeah, you're welcome. It's free cardo.

You just take it. Yeah. Dude, Jeffrey Epstein missed free pedophilia ring day by like one day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, free, just free baby boy. Baby boy butt day. He missed it.

Yeah, dude, he had just waited one day to get caught. Yeah. He would have been home free. Yeah, Bill Cosby missed free pussy day by like a couple years. This next one I really like. This is the one I wanted to get to. The fuck. pink thumbnail for this.

The next item on this list is he hunts SpongeBob like prey. And they have just a terrifying like a hidden frame in the show where his eyeballs are upside down. Yeah, Patrick's eyes are upside down. He's clinging to the ceiling holding a jellyfish net. He's holding a net ready to destroy something. Are his eyes supposed to be upside down? What's going on there?

They look upside down here. Yeah. Whoa, if you look at the picture upside down, it looks like he has a lot. a mustache from his eyebrows. Whoa. During season one episode nine, nature pants, SpongeBob decides he wants to live with the jellyfish. Patrick doesn't take this well, though.

Initially, he cries, begging SpongeBob to say, and when that doesn't work, Patrick decides to capture him as a trophy. Patrick cunt SpongeBob like an animal. He is an animal, attacking him and setting traps. While Patrick eventually gives up the hunt, his actions get Spongebob stung by all the jellyfish. I hate, we all know that one guy who hunts you like prey. We all know that one guy that gets you. He's stung by all the jellyfish.

Yes, he hunts me like prey, but we've been friends for so long. Well, I mean, he's never hunted me like prey. You know, he's always been good to me, but he has hunted some of my friends like prey. Yeah. So I still hang out with them. He goes after them like an animal. Yeah. Attacking them and setting traps.

Yes, his eyeballs are upside down. And yeah, he hunts me with a jellyfish net. He's a giant starfish. And in the end, yeah, I got stung. But that's kind of the cost of friendship. Is it functional? No, but what family is? hunting

SpongeBob I would like to hunt SpongeBob I would like to hunt SpongeBob like prey I would like to see I'd like to get me and him alone on an island okay

I've got I've got an AR 15 he's got nothing all right he doesn't even have his little fry cook outfit he's bare naked he's running around the island okay I

I'm using my tracking abilities and I'm tracking his little his bean shaped footsteps and I'm just I'm going after him And if I see him, I'm opening fire, and I'm filling those holes. I'm filling those holes with lead. Straight up, if I saw a SpongeBob in real life, I would immediately open fire.

Yeah. Yeah, I would open, I'm always open carrying, so I would open fire. I'm always open carrying a Barrett 50 caliber rifle. Exactly. And it has a thermal variable zoom scope. So what I might do is I, you know, and also guns, bullets work differently through water. Yeah. So I'd have to account for, like, the flop.

The loss of velocity and stuff. I would activate my stopping power rounds first. Exactly. I would definitely put FMJ and sleight of hand as a couple of my perks. I would have like a P90 or maybe an MP7 as my sidearm. I would have an advanced U.S.A.V. Of course, yeah. I'm kind of like a, I'm kind of like a berserker.

I would go in with the riot shield. Oh, nice. Yeah, because berserkers love shields, you fucking idiot. No, well, have a knife. Go talk to your cat again. thinking of a tank you're thinking of a tank you're thinking of a guy with a shield you're thinking okay all right all right no what i would do is basically i didn't know the terminology so i would use i would use my dDS plus plus my my dragon dagger poison plus yeah you're dick dick no no no no no no no no no i would

run up to him i'd hit him i'd hit him with my full special attack three times and that's what you would do and then basically i would mount his nose uh on my shower door and then use it like a dildo Yeah, how gay are you really now, SpongeBob? You know, you want me to send this photo to Nickelodeon? I don't think so. It's okay. He'll grow back. That's true.

That's the horrible thing about him, is that if you mounted his head, it would grow into a new SpongeBob. Yeah. Yeah, because SpongeBob is all brain or something, or he's all, he's a lizard, or I don't know how it works. Yeah, he's a lizard. He's actually secretly a yellow lizard. And basically what he would do, basically what he would do,

is he would grow into a monster off of your wall. If you hung him like a singing fish, eventually he would come back and he would enact his revenge. The only way to actually permanently destroy him is you have to, you got to hit him with the degreaser from Team Fortress 2. You got to burn him to a crisp. And then with the fire axe.

That's true. He's completely unkillable. He's like, every time you think he's dead, he Michael Myers is out of it. Yeah, you can kill him by burning him. but he lives underwater, all right? Exactly. If you think about, think back to the SpongeBob movie,

they almost killed him by putting, by shining light on him. Dude, is he a vampire? Oh, what? Yeah, that's a really good point. He does, he gets dried out easily like a vampire. Yeah. I didn't even consider that.

I'm trying to think of more stuff that's like a vampire, but I can't, so I think that might be it. Yeah. He says no spheratu one time. He does. Oh, my God, that's his cousin. Oh, my God.

He forgot. That episode, he just forgot that he invited his cousin over. Oh, my God. And Nosferatu is an anagram for SpongeBob SquarePants. That's true. Yeah, it's true. They have the same letters. It's the same, it's the uses all the same letters.

Uh-huh. The ones from the alphabet. Exactly. It comes from the same letter pool. Yeah. It comes from the same letter pool, exactly. Yeah. Next one.

He keeps an embarrassing photo of SpongeBob. I don't know. I don't think. I keep an embarrassing photo of both of you. Yeah. What? No. Yeah.

I have a photo, I have a photo of Patrick writing a mechanical bull, but just one of the horns. And then I have a photo of Cameron wearing a dress upside down. No. I have, my favorite picture, I have of Patrick is the one where he's halfway into a window climbing. Oh, yeah. That is good, yeah. Oh, that same, that same night, that was when Caleb was in the, is in the dryer. Oh, yeah, is there a photo of me in the dryer?

There's a video of you coming out of the dryer. Did I get my whole body in there? You got half of your body in there? I don't remember. I was so fucked up for that show. Me too. This is not good. Patrick keeps a secret in season two episode 15, the secret box.

Yeah, you think? Huh? It's in the name of the episode. Of course he keeps a secret. This author is very stupid. Yeah. Wait, let's skip to the next one, because I think. We can really speak on this.

That's true. The next one is he refuses to share a toy with SpongeBob. Okay. What the hell is wrong with this one? I'm flipping on. You know, I'm starting to take SpongeBob side here. I'm taking a hard stance here. Patrick, you're scum.

Okay, if you won't share your rescue hero with your friend, you're worse than Donald Trump, and I don't say that lightly. Exactly. You are like... Yeah, Hitler never shared his toys either. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's true.

It's true. When Mr. Crabs makes a kids meal toy, he doesn't exactly put in maximum effort. So it sounds like Mr. Crabs is not a friend of the toy. Hold on, hold on. Do they even give out toys at the crabby paddy? Not anymore, not after this one. Not after season 7, episode 6. Yours, mine, and mine.

When Mr. Crabbs shoves straws into a crabby patty and calls it a day. That's the toy they're freaking out over. What a piss poor excuse for a toy. Yeah, come on. It's literally food. Horrible. Yeah. You make it something that I can dress up and then undress.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Draw a little something for daddy on the hamburger. Exactly. And then give it to me for free. Yeah. And then don't bother me. Sexual things about toys that are only for parents to understand.

The kids won't understand when they say. see it. When they take off Ken's pants and he has a giant 15-inch penis, the kids don't understand it, but it's put in there, they put it in there for the parents to look at and play with it. That's just one of those things for parents that they sit there and they go

he-he-he-he. Yeah, that's a, yeah, it even has some jokes for parents. Yeah. Kids toys even have some jokes for parents. It's true. Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to wake up every morning on Christmas. We had Christmas every single day. I would open up a bionicle and I'd

say, mom, father, I got to go to the bathroom for 30 minutes. And I would take my bionicle in. I would experiment with its body. I would find places to hide things. I would find places to hide it on me. And then I would come out and I'd be ready for Christmas again. Yeah. Christmas the day, the next day, because you did it pretty much the whole day.

Yeah. Basically, if I was a president, it'd be Christmas every day. Hanukkah is still just once a year, though. But Christmas every single day. Yeah. another joke they put in toys for parents is in the jack in the box if you wind it if you keep winding it after it already pops up it actually pops up a little more and you can see its dick yeah it's like kids will get bored they won't wind up the jack in the box enough to see that joke yeah yeah yeah there's actually with the box that has the different shapes that the holes that the shapes go in on the bottom there's actually one that's circular so you kind of you know what that means means. Yeah, exactly.

Like one on the bottom and it's a circle. What do you think the box refers to in jacking the box? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Jack in a box. Yeah. Jack in a box. Jack and what into a box? Pop goes to weasel? What do you think, what do you think that means? What do you think the weasel is? What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to put the jack in the box and the weasel next to each other and let the weasel pop into the box. Yep. Let the weasel jack into the box. Exactly. That's true. Here's what you got to do. And basically, yeah, you can organize, you can organize, you

You can make, you can make so many toys together at their various, where their penises and vaginas should be, until they form sort of like a, like a Power Rangers, like, each one of them is a different piece. A sexual zord. A sexual zord, exactly. Sexual zord. Yeah. It's pretty sick. Yeah. And that's just, they do that for the parents. Yeah, and that's one of the jokes for the parents. Yeah, a sex sword. Yeah. Yeah, that's... It's getting me. Man, my fucking, my brain's fried. I swear. Shut up! I can't.

Stop, nobody cares. I'm gonna die. I don't care. Sorry, I'm being a serious Patrick right now. Yeah, Patrick's Star, that is. You're being a Patrick Star. Next one, he belittles SpongeBob's job and kills spectators in the process. I remember this one.

Season 2, episode 19, the Fry Cook game. SpongeBob gets the honor of competing in the titular games. And Patrick, there's a little joke for the adult. What, titular? Titular, yeah. And Patrick, Franker actually has jokes for the parents, too. That's true. Patrick isn't exactly supportive.

Instead, he argues with his friends deriding the competition and the occupation. SpongeBob defends his job, but Patrick continues to belittle him and eventually competes for the opposing team. Patrick's pettiness ends up killing a whole lot of people. Spongebob competes for the opposing team. We just learned. During the games he throws hot oil on a bunch of fish Turning them into fish sticks

They're sold they're then sold as food to other fish Wow You know there's so many things wrong with this That's probably this is probably like this is by far the worst Why didn't they lead with this one? Yeah I know Well if they led with this one I also I like I like that they have that this one is he belittles SpongeBob's job

And kills spectators Right Like, why even include the belittling SpongeBob's job in this one? Yeah. On the way up to Sweet 135, Stephen Paddock was actually very rude to a cleaning lady and belittled her job. And then he did something, I think. I don't know. But he turned all those country music fans into fish sticks. Yeah. Yeah.

He won the Frycook games. That day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's a... I guess the most messed up part of this. Wait a second. Wait a second.

The selling to other people. Stephen Paddock. Stephen Patrick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We have to delete this episode. We have to delete this episode. His middle name was Hillenberg.

Is what people want to tell you. Yeah, he actually, in his manifesto, he said he based the mass shooting off season two, episode 19 of SpongeBob, the Fry Cook Games. Yeah, and he was just hoping, and he was really surprised by everybody's reaction. He thought they would just start selling all the people he fish-sticked. Yeah. He thought the music would go on. Well, what the music stop? Come on.

I thought that it was going to be SpongeBob playing the Bikini Bottom Bowl. song, but no, it was some fucking hillbillies. Yeah. I thought it was going to be sweet victory, but... Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Nope. Not for me, apparently. Yeah. Yeah, not for me. Old Stephen Paddock. Nothing ever goes right for me. Oh, nothing goes great for me.

Yeah. Uh, just a day in the life. Just another day is Stephen Paddock. Just everything fucking up. Oh, great. I just stubbed my toe. Awesome. Yeah. Awesome. No, this is awesome. Oh, no, I like this. I actually, I like this. Great. Great. I just started a Halo Slayer game and I got disconnected. Awesome. No, no. This is actually good for me. Yeah, no, normal world. Yeah, you know what? We deserve Donald Trump.

You know what? I'll say it. Me, Stephen Paddock, I'll say we deserve him. Yeah. This normal. God, this world, so normal. And having a normal one in Mandele Bay. Oh, great. Oh, great. I clogged the hotel toilet. Now someone's going to come out to come up here.

Nobody can find out about this. I have to do something. I have to barricade the door. Oh, no, the window was open. Who saw? Yeah, he was just jacking off to hotel porn. With the window open, and he was like, oh, fuck, everybody saw. Yeah, good thing I brought.

Good thing I brought. There's going to be like those Hillary Duff photos of her blowing her, her fiancee. Yeah. I have to erase all evidence of this. Yeah. Good thing I brought all these weapons I was holding for my friend Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Yeah, good thing I have these 15 CIA agents in the room with me.

Yeah. Where, yeah. Next one. He refuses to take an ill Spongebob to the hospital. Spongebob, slow to admit when he feels unwell, knows he needs to visit the doctor when he realizes he has the Suds. Spongebob predicted the future, dude. Yeah, we all have the Suds.

Season 1, episode 15, Suds. The bloated Sponge tries to get medical care before encountering Patrick. Of course, things go terribly wrong. First, Patrick scares Spongebob into not going into the to the hospital at all. Then he plays doctor, subjecting his pal to unhelpful and harmful treatments.

When Sandy tries to correct Patrick, he lashes out and decides to run. Sponge Rob receives treatment eventually, but Patrick cares more about his pride than his friend's health. Suds is Sudden Unfinned Death Syndrome. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It is a little close to SIDS. Yeah. That's true. I think this one was supposed to be an allegory. This episode was supposed to be like a social commentary. Yeah.

On the Suds? on the on on on on on patrick represents vaccines yeah in this version yeah and each point each point of his prickly form is a kind of needle exactly locked and loaded with small amounts of things like the h1n1 virus or polio which are expected to cure your child but instead give them a new kind of aids called cids yeah it's true yeah that's basically cid's is super super immunodeficiency syndrome. It's the upgraded version. Instead of average immunodeficiency syndrome.

Yeah, a little. Which is what age is. A little. A little bit. Yeah. This is also how they, this is also coincidentally how they cure AIDS

is they just plug all your holes with cork. That's what they do. Yeah. And they're like, just don't, you know, you'll be fine. Yeah. That's what, that's bubble boy. about.

Yeah. You got the Suds. Next one. He becomes a vicious tyrant. He does. He just looks like a king to me. Yeah. In season four, episode 17, Rule of Dumb,

Patrick lucks his way into becoming king of bikini bottom, and it's pretty much a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty much a hell world. SpongeBob becomes his servant and gets treated more like a dormant than any kind of friend. In fact, the mad king torments all of bikini bottom, forcing them to give up. worldly possessions and demanding free stuff for everyone, or from everyone.

It's kind of an animal farm type allegory. When Squidward refuses to play along, Patrick compels SpongeBob to make the squid yield. SpongeBob genuinely fears his BFF. Some creatures go mad with power. Some creatures go mad with power. That's fat. Stars go mad with power. Patrick is straight up a creature.

Yeah. Oh, Patrick is an allegory for the stars of the world, the Hollywood elite. Whoa. Gain power, and then are mean to their sponge friends. Yeah. Yeah, he lives underneath a rock. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Much like Jeffrey Epstein did on his island. And SpongeBob lives in a fruit. Oh, my God. And Squidward lives in his head. Whoa. So Squidward is representative of a guy who's, he's of a, kind of a tortured millennial man who's mean because of his social anxiety. i.e., he lives in his head.

Mm-hmm. Whoa. Do you get it? Yeah. And SpongeBob is kind of an allegory for a gay guy, because he lives in a fruit, which is kind of a, yeah, which is kind of a school, schoolyard insult for a gay person. Yeah. And then Patrick rocks at being a star. He's a rock star.

He's a rock star, sort of a Kevin Rudolph type. Yeah. And so. Because when Patrick comes alive. He brings his fire. And this next picture on a list. He's using a flamethrower. Uh-huh.

Because he brings the fire. And then snail word is a... Snail word is a gary due to his... Because he's afraid of coming out of his shell. Yeah. And then crasty crab is red. And he's actually... He represents a spicy pepper,

which would be red and mean to you. And then Sandy is actually, women are the squirrel of the world is basically what the show is trying to communicate. And they belong, and, and women belong in a dome. Are we starting to kind of see,

I think I'm starting to understand. Women belong in a dome and they fear the bullworm. Yes. That's true. And so, women fear a bullworm. Women fear a bullworm. And then the whale, the whale is actually, the pearl is actually, Pearl rhymes with girl And then most girls are actually whales to me

Yeah You know because it's something Absolutely Yeah Because they have You messed up for that one Larry, Larry the lobster You messed up for that one

Because he actually And he actually represents my uncle Michael Very red Skin cancer Yeah And so it's kind of It all kind of What I'm basically saying

And what most people who do media criticism are saying, is that TV is about my life. Uh-huh. You know, lost is about the time I got lost. Brooklyn 9-9 is about the time I sung 99 bottles of beer on the wall with my 40 cop friends. Yeah. And basically, 24 is about how old I'm going to be next year. And I think we need to come to a sort of serious, as SpongeBob turns 20, which I think is coming up.

We need to come to a, we need to come to a very, have a serious examination, a retrospective of a SpongeBob and how he relates to my exact life. Exactly. See, because that's, I am a, I'm a fry cook. Okay. Did you just unplug your mic or something, Pat? No, I did not. Oh, your audio just got worse. Oh, well, that's your fault.

Yeah, it's my fault. Yeah, turns out that, by the way, this entire episode, me and Caleb have been secretly. talking about Patrick when we when we said we were talking about Patrick Star we were referring to Patrick every single time yeah oh my God then I'm leaving then I'm leaving yeah we did that

we're done um go ahead fuck you subscribe to the Patreon subscribe to us on Patreon podcast about we're gonna keep we're gonna keep posting SpongeBob stuff yeah pretty much we're basically

migrating to a SpongeBob type podcast Yeah, yeah. We're kind of like the Spongebob Regers. We're going to do SpongeBob Media Criticism every episode. Yeah. We're changing the name of the podcast to podcast about SpongeBob. Yeah. That's one of the biggest changes we're going to make.

We're changing Patrick into a starfish. I, not even that hard. I could just do this. Plankton basically represents the children of the world. Yeah. Angry at the parents for not allowing them to cook. And you know what they say. In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is king, okay?

And that refers to how plankton kind of pulls the strings on all of bikini bottom. It's true. Like, people don't... Mermaid man and barnacle boy represent the onset of grooming in today's society. That's true, because there's an old guy and a guy who's a little bit younger. And they're into barnacles and mermaids. And you know what that means. Which is a big part of grooming.

Yeah. Yeah. You putting each other's... barnacles on your on your friend until they become a mermaid yeah yeah i put my barnacle on your mermaid because i'm groaning you whatever back in my day grooming is what we called when you got married to your beautiful husband all right yeah yeah that's right all right thanks uh thanks for listening thank you for listening bye bye