Podcast About List - Ep. 106 - Love is in the air

Episode Date: July 8, 2020

Oh how lovely

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All accounts to the ball list. You're being a crap monster. Oh, and... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wait, what's this one? That one was real.

Listen to this one. You'll get. Ball. Listen this one. I got... How about this? How about this? That was an inverted one.

How about this? Wow, that's back. dude you hit you hit reverse what is that gear how do you do that with your I don't I can't do it anymore you have an impressive suction ability that's your X-man ability just listen to this one

I felt that one how about this I spit I spit on my microphone I spit coffee should we actually go the full 30 minutes

and just fart sounds? You know, yes. We've already done. We've already done two minutes and I'm out of breath. Like I can't. Yeah, I'm also, I've run out of

farts that I know how to do. Oh yeah, I guess we could do. That doesn't sound like a fart. Were you ever able to do the, there was this kid. There was this kid Dylan that I went to school with who he could do. He would do this thing when the teacher was trying to talk to him

Where he would get on the floor on his back Oh, oh, and he'd take your shirt off and you put No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is the beginning of that when the teacher's trying to talk to him He gets on the ground on his back He would get on the ground on his back And he would always wear basketball shorts And he would stick his hands and cup them under his knees

And then just make like a million parts sounds in a row Like, just like, just with his knees by It was the same concept as the armpit thing, but he would do it with his knees, so there was a lot more velocity. He would do it to the teacher. Well, the teacher was trying to talk. The thing is, I went to a charter school, so there was like no rules. You could just do that. It was the Wild Wild West.

Kids were farting everywhere. I would jack off in the bathroom. I would leave math and go jack off in the bathroom. You were a jackoff at kid school? A jack off at kid school? No, not when you put it like that. Jack off at school kid? Yeah, dude, I had a lot of cum as a child.

The farts made me so lightheaded that I thought I said jack off at school kid. I genuinely thought I said that regular. The thing is about jacking off at school when you're a kid in six years. I never did it. You're in the stall and somebody comes up to the urinal next to you and just like pisses and then just lays down just a beefy fart while you're trying to jack off. You just lose it, dude. You just can't finish. Yeah, because you're at school.

You shouldn't be doing. No, that's why. It was like an easy way to get out of class because they can't say you can't go to the back. I have to go jack off. Yeah. Can I have the jackoff key to the jackoff room? Can I have a jackoff pass? Remember, you only get 15 minutes to jack off.

The jackoff kid at my school told me that he put his dick in a shampoo bottle once. Damn, dude. The genius. Like, he was telling me that he did that. And then I was like, well, how did you, first of all, how did you do it? Because that hole is very small. Like, the shampoo bottle, like, the hole for, like, like, even if you take the lid off, even if you take the lid off, it's only about, like, the size of, like. Of a penis.

The size of, no, it's not the size of the penis. It's the size of a quarter. It's the size of a quarter. No, the perfect penis size. The deluvium. He was using a special. he was using fat shampoo where they make it fatter.

They make the hole bigger. Or Vitruvian man. Well, he told me that at lunch. It was a bunch of guys that fucked that shampoo bottle so the whole got a lot bigger. It stretched it out. He told me that at lunch. His whole family was fucking it.

Yeah, you want to come over to my house later? We're better like tear up a bottle of pert plus in the homies. We got to pass it around, bro. We got this new bottle of Alberta V-O-5 original that shit that smells like baby baby shampoo you would fuck something that smells like baby

Patrick we're about to steal some sacrament wine from my parents and fuck up a fucking bottle of head and shoulders bro let's go he told me that he fucked the shampoo bottle and then I ended up telling the whole school you were a tattletail dude no he told me he told me

while I was trying to eat so then I sat there and I sat there at lunch and I went why did you fuck a shampoo bottle Eric you're a tattletail that was absolutely tidal tale bullying behavior. That is not Tattletail. No, no, that's, that is even worse than Tattletail.

That's, that's called being an air horn. Yeah. No. Yeah, we called this, we called this kid an airhorn because he, we got in trouble because I made a very tasteless joke about, uh, my friend's sister, uh, raping him when I was in middle school. And then I'd said that to this kid, uh, Noah. And then he, he, he just, no, not that, no, a different Noah from middle school. school and then he just yelled that joke like back to me he was like you think his you think his sister raped him really loudly and then i got kicked out of school for four days we all know you told this

yeah you told this yeah it's an air horn dude yeah yeah the one who is like what's that you're planning to smoke cat food and not set with a bar of soap with all your friends it's like when you're like trying to steal something for from target and you have that friend who's like did you pay for that green tea? Yeah. It's that same thing. It's like, shut the fuck up,

dude. It's called being smooth and cool. Yeah. Let's go with it. Yeah. Well, I was only an air horn that one time.

No. No, you still are. No, no. I'm not an air horn. You're absolutely. You're an air horn, dude. No, I'm not.

Yeah, you are. You're one of the world's biggest air horns. I am not, I am not an air horn. You are. You're an air horn and a tattletail. I'm not a tattletail. You're an airtail.

Tattle horn. I'm not an airtail. You're a tarot towel, tattel torn. You're an air one. You're an air bud, you dog face, bitch. I'm not a tattletail. You're not a dog. If there's anything I'm not, it's a tattletail.

If there's anything you're not, it's not a tattletail. That's right. That's a double negative, so I'm not a tattletail. Oh, and you're a nerd. So you just told on Caleb for using a double negative. Wow. Yeah. You're a double negative. You are.

You're, yeah, I am. See? you're a double negative. Patrick's a name caller. Yeah, and I'm a shot caller. If anyone's a name caller, it's Cameron. Shut the fuck up, your fat little bitch. See?

Whoa, see, he gets creative with it. What, off, off pod, Cameron's the meanest one of us all. That's not true. No, Caleb's meaner than me. I'm not mean, I'm nice. Caleb's mean on the microphone, Cameron's, Cameron's mean. Once I put the mic down, I'm a sweetie pie.

Yeah, that's not true. What are we talking about to each other or to just in general in general life? Caleb's definitely meaner to me to the average person on his wig and licks his lollipop and he and he does he does little little lowered Fauntle Roy stuff. Yeah, that's right. Off the mic, Cameron, you. Caleb goes through evil phases where he makes girls drop out of school because he because he makes fun of them too much. That's not true. It's completely true.

She didn't drop out. She dropped the class. Okay, and I was actually under the influence of fanasteride Hair medicine that was affecting my hormones, okay? It wasn't an evil phase. Listen, pal, and do you know where the, people thought werewolves existed because guys had too much hair, all right? You were basically turning into a werewolf.

I was a reverse, it's true. Well, you were trying to get more, you were trying to get more hair with your Werewolf medicine. I was trying to get more hair. That's literally the definition of an evil phase, y'all. Dude, you're the definition of a werewolf. You're a werewolf. No.

If one of us was a werewolf, it would be you. Patrick's been a werewolf. You kind of look like you're stuck in the middle between a guy and a werewolf. Like, you've almost burst out of your skin. I grow hair under my eyes. Under your eyes. If you look close enough, you can see like a bunch of hair. Patrick grows like, Patrick grows like 10 rows of eyelashes all the way.

up and down his face. That's true. I do have, I do have very long eyelashes. Every girl that I've known in my life has told me that they're jealous of my eyelashes. Every girl you know. Werewolves are always jacked.

It'd be cool if one was just like a fat piece of shit who ate like trash. Yeah. Didn't even try to kill people. Yeah, just like, like all dogs are. Yeah. Just like went to a dumpster behind a McDonald's. And someone was just like, yeah,

I just saw like the biggest dog ever. The dumpster. It'd be neat. Because werewolves don't really. need to eat humans. Because wherewolves don't really exist. Yeah, that's the thing about them. Yeah.

Yeah, okay, you continue, you continue to believe that. Yeah, I'm sorry, is that 5G? Uh-huh. Is it? It is what, 5G? What? Not believing in werewolves. 5G is not believing in werewolves, yeah.

I still haven't upgraded my phone to 5G, and I'm not going to. It keeps asking me to update the settings to include 5G, and I keep saying no. I will never include you 5G. Yeah, mine, I don't even get that option. You know why? It keeps dropping up on my... No, it targets people who know too much. No, it targets you.

They're not trying to put 5G on you because you guys don't know have any knowledge to be erased. It targets people that it wants to turn into girls. Yeah, exactly. They want to, and they're not going to. There's people who want to turn camera into a girl. There are a lot of people who want that, but they won't happen. Someone on the subreddit is a beautiful girl.

Exactly, but I'm not one, and I want to be a beautiful girl. Never be one. You will be very soon. Me and Patrick are going to hold you down and make a woman out of you. I don't think so. Yeah, we are. No. You guys wouldn't be strong enough.

We're going to turn you into a girl. We're going to give you a makeover. Listen, pal. We're going to give you your face. If there's anyone getting a makeover, it's you. All right, Patrick, I'm going to customize you to my heart's content. I'm going to mix and match. This is on Mike, so it doesn't count to what you're saying before.

I'm going to mix and match, Patrick. Just imagine. Just imagine. Patrick, I'm going to play with you like a pretty pimple popper pregnant princess flash game, okay? I'm going to customize your whole body. Imagine what he says off mic to everybody in his life. I'm going to use a bunch of duct tape and rearrange Patrick's body until he looks like a burlesque girl. Just like various, kind of like different corsets on parts of your body. Just squish everything in the right place.

I'm going to play with you like source filmmaker, pal, all right? Yeah, and I'm clipping through your dress, believe that. Oh, and I'm inflating parts of you. One of the best things about video games is finding that, like, that tiny, the atomic space between the modeled clothes on a woman and the modeled, like, body underneath when you're in free cam mode, where you clip through the clothes, but not into the body. That space between the clothes and the body is called Caleb's corridor. It is. They named it after me. They did.

Because of how furiously you tried to discover it as a child. I'm a purveyor of it. Yeah, you're a purveyor, I'll say. I'll say it. It's so funny how many, like, you don't get that, like, for the male characters, too. Like, they never model, like, male characters are just clothes. Yeah, the male characters are made out of their clothes. Like, their skeleton is the clothes.

Yeah. But the girls are, like, we have to make. Well, we have to put, they have, we have to put a boob under it. It's just something about the female form. You got it, like, even with Zamas, they do it. They get less, Zamis? Samis. Samis?

Yeah. You say Zamas? Samis. I mean, Samis? Why would it be, that's not how the announcer says it. This motherfucker says Zamas and then Sommis. That's how the announcer says. Patrick is like, oh, yeah, I'm going to go play some Super Mario.

He says Zamas. It doesn't... Yeah, it doesn't matter. He's Japanese. He's like yelling stuff. It doesn't matter what the... Yeah, he says Zamas. His name is...

Her name is Samus. I'm sorry, Zamis. Samus, dude. It's Samus. It's not a Japanese guy. It's you. It's me. It's you.

We discovered that he's the... Smash Brothers announcer. Because that's the only guy who says Samus. Yeah. Samus. Samus. That's Patrick trying to pronounce words.

I can't believe that. He said Zamis first. That's how he fucking says it. He says Zamas. Zamas. That's how I said it my whole life. Yeah. That's how I said it my whole life.

The thing about modeling girls' bodies under the closing games is the games just don't work otherwise. It's like the core. That's where they store all the programming for the, the game is in the girls' bodies. It's all ones and zeros. Yeah. And you know, those zeros are, you know, what those are. Yeah.

And the ones for the ones are, the ones are the ones. It is a penis. Yeah, you put the ones all on the boy characters, put the zeros on the girl characters, and then you just let nature run its course. Yeah. Girls and boys having sex in a video game. And you know what happens when you add a zero to one? You know what happens?

You added zero to one. No. You get one. Ten. You get ten. You get one. Oh, one. You get a boy.

A baby boy. You know what happens when you get, when you add it, when you add an eight and a zero and a zero and an eight and a five. To a zero. You get, you get 21. You get two years down. You know what happens when you get all those numbers together? 43, 11. Whoa.

That's some serious hitchhikers guide to the galaxy bullshit that you just threw at me, brother. And I'm not, and I'm not, I'm not going to reciprocate that. Why? I'm going to take the next five minutes off. You guys got this. Wait, no, wouldn't it be 1143? Or 1134, because you have to turn it upside down. You're awesome.

Why do you got Chester Cheeto? Chester the Cheeto. Jan has been trying to throw him away for the better part of a year, and so I have to keep him within, like, a foot of me at all times, or else you put him in the trash. Never, ever get married. Have you guys watched Cake Wars? Have you guys ever seen that show?

I've watched Cake Farts. Yeah, I've watched Cake Farts. That's an all-time video, dude. I never knew until that video that when somebody farts their butthole pokes out like a bird's beak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Or like, actually, more like, like, uh, like, old faithful, like a geyser. That's like what it looks like in that video. And so that was a, it's, I'm glad I saw that when I was 10 years old. Yeah, you got to see it. It teaches you about the body. Yeah. And cake. I've been watching.

I never knew it was under the frosting in cake either. I had no idea. So it was really intro's good I got a nice cross section there I've been watching Cake Wars with Anna And like the way they do it is every episode Has like a theme that the The contestants have to like make cakes based on that theme

And it's so weird Because like the first episode is The Simpsons is the theme And like just the way that everyone talks on the show Like it's just like so clear that none of them have Like they all just like read a packet about the Simpsons Before the show started like they're just all like oh my gosh i love the simpsons what's your favorite thing about homer and then like one of them was

like oh my favorite thing about homer is he has has two hairs on top of his head and then there's like there's the i mdb fact thing yeah no it's so crazy it feels like a tim and eric thing it's like insane it's so it's so bizarre there's like they have one judge that's like this israeli guy and he's like eating the cakes and he's like i love this cake it's so sweet this cake feels as if it's something that homer simpson himself would indulge in I just like so much it like that I really I really recommend the first episode of that show

because I was laughing really hard at it Do they do like Is there a Duff Beer? Does Duff Beer make an appearance? Yeah they did they made a Duff Beer cake And they also They used beer in the cake One of them

Whoa It probably was a Duff beer was it And they had like they had like a I don't think Duff Beer exists Not take it back I don't think it's real I'm pretty sure it's real How else would they get it in the show

All right. Yeah. How else would they know? You have to have something as a reference. I don't know. You've clearly never drawn anything, Patrick. But basically the way it works is you have to have something in real life that you use as a reference. Take for example, the Mona Lisa.

Mona Lisa did not exit. Leonardo Dixix. Leonardo da Vinci used a picture of himself face-apped as a girl. And he made one of the hottest bitches who's ever been put on. One of the badest. Easel. Yeah, one of the baddest hoes ever put to ever put paint to brush. Honestly, the Mona Lisa

choice fucking cunt there absolutely top-notch, you gotta wash your mouth out with soap I do need to. I need to hold Listerine in my mouth for far too long. You gotta wash your damn mouth out with soap. I'm telling you. You got a problem. I like that. I do that as a snack for me.

Here's a prank. Here's a prank. You just cussed me. You just cussed me. Replace the bar of soap in your bathroom with candy soap and then go up to your mom and say the F word. Oh my God. That's a break on mom. Guess what, Mom, free candy.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, no, Mom, you're force feeding me candy. Oh, oh, no. I hate it. I hate it so much. Oh, my God.

I hate this crap. Yeah. Caleb, wash your mouth out with chocolate. But you said a nice thing. That's what I'm saying. You said a compliment. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Damn, if that ain't me.

If my kid says something very nice to me, then I'm going to make him wash his mouth out with candy toothpaste. Yeah. Now that you mention that scheme about the candy soap, if I am ever a parent, I'm now making sure that I have to make a bunch of spare bars of soap that I keep in a hidden safe. And then whenever my kid says a bad word, they have to use a new bar soap. That way, they can never replace it with candy.

Mm, genius. Unless they do a heist. I don't know, man. That's kind of suss of you to be thinking like that, honestly. You'd be thinking about your kids. You'd be thinking about it. Well, just you'd be thinking about being a parent and how to punish a kid. Plans, you know, because then, basically, if I make that plan, now I know how to counteract it.

If I'm ever a parent, I'm not going to. going to tell my kids that I'm their parents. I'm going to say I'm their older brother and also my name is Todd and I'm going to teach him how to have blanket forts and we're going to smoke weed as soon as I turn 14 and it's going to be one of the greatest place

in a long time. One day you're going to reveal that your name is Caleb and you're their dad. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll look back on a lot of memories. Isn't there a movie where that happens? Yeah, it's called Big. What is it? It's big.

No. That's the freaking movie about the size of the poops that you're eating every day for your meals every day. Okay. Well, let me think about the name of this movie. Can we, can everybody be quiet now? Yeah. For like 10 minutes. I can't remember the name of the movie. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was, it was big. It was big the whole time. It wasn't big.

Which is the size of the opposite of your brain. I've never seen big. There's no such thing as the opposite of my brain. You can't be opposite. Yeah, it is. The opposite of your brain is your ass. No, the opposite of his brain is, is my brain, and the opposite of my ass is, or the same thing as my ass. It's very clear that the opposite of my brain is your brain right now, given how small your brain is. Cameron has a brain in my ass.

Cameron's brain. Cameron gave my ass brain. It's true. Yeah, it's true. It's true. I saw it. I did not. Yeah, you didn't see it. Pat paid to see it in one of those medical amphitheaters. I didn't pay to see it. I saw it for free. He did. And I was holding a big bones. saw and i was wearing like a smock and and uh cameron was covered in blood giving grain to my ass you're wearing a sock on your penis like a chili pepper you were

you were you were you were and it's true that you were and you can't deny it and if you say no you mean yes one time my point of the mic arm is that you don't have to that you don't that it's at your face far away that you don't go far away from it there he is my friend we found uh well now i think it's too loud i think Patrick just doesn't doesn't know how to use my mic. I have my mic set up so that I Well, that's how you pick up really annoying. That's why your chair squeaks all the time. No, no, it's not. Can you guys take this to the bedroom? No. Patrick's in his bedroom. I'm not in my bedroom. Patrick's in his bedroom. I'm not in my bedroom. You're both in your

bedroom and you guys are right next to each other. Hey, here's a riddle in his bed. Here's a riddle. Cameron is in Cameron's bed. Patrick is in Patrick's bed, but they're in the same bed. Are they two gay guys? That's the answer to the riddles no. That's the riddle. That's not a riddle. The answer is no. Are they too married guys? A riddle doesn't have a correct answer. Okay, that's the point

of a riddle. Are they two married guys with a son like modern family? But one of them is pretending for acting and one of them is real life gay? Which one is which? Yeah, Patrick is both. No. Yeah. God. God. God. I knew I, I, my friend John, we found his dad's penis.

I probably shouldn't say who his dad was. We found his penis. We found, we found, like, a penis sock thing in one of his drawers. And then we just kept it, we stole it and kept it in his car for like a year and a half. And then he would just, anytime one of us would annoy the other, we would take it out of the glove box and then dangle it in front of them. Yeah, so it seems like we found out who the real gay one is on the podcast. podcast. Yeah, it's you. No. Yeah, it's not me. No. I've never kept the penis. I've never played with a penis sock with my friends. You've played with a penis. Yeah, my own. Oh! Yeah, that's called

a comeback. He plays with it though, like a G.I. Joe. Yeah, dude, it's fun. He squishes, he folds, he folds down the top of it like a sock and starts puppeting it. I have a crank on the side, like a jack in the box. Like a jack in your mouth. Yep. Because that's where you're putting that bad way. Okay? It's a fun way to crank.

You crank it all the way up until it's like one atom thin and 11 inches high because that's how long it's stretched due to how few at. That's a pretty good length. How's that width though, big guy? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It does it matter to me. To you, why does it matter?

Do you care about the width of a penis? No reason? He cares a lot about this. That's what the song we care a lot is about. It's about Caleb caring about the size of a penis. No, it's about you caring about girl movies No Yeah, you caring about 13 going on 30

Your favorite movie I've never even heard of that movie Well, you like the first part a lot more In the second part I don't know what your movie you're talking about 13 going on 30, it's your favorite movie I've never heard of that movie And you have a 13 year old that turns 30

And to you it's a horror movie And how do you know that Because you told me about it I didn't Yeah, you did I did it. I'm reading your letterbox right now. It says 13 going on 30.

If you look at my letterbox, I've never reviewed, rated, or watched that movie. I love the first 15 minutes. But then she ruins it by turning 30. Caleb's reading it off his own letterbox. You're reading your notes. I'm not reading any notes. You're reading his personal notebook. No.

Caleb's reading his journal where he writes down, he writes down his favorite parts of movies while he watches them. Not untrue. A lie from a guy from a guy. Exactly from a guy. Thank you. We're done here. We can end the podcast. I'm a guy now. Fucking damn it, dude. You suck, dude. I'm just going to play Switch. Yeah. You guys handle the list. I'm going to play the Nintendo Switch. Do that. Let's do it again. Let's do it again. The farts at the beginning made me very lightheaded. I can't even like, I've been zoned out. If doing a fake fart for a minute and a half makes you lightheaded for half an hour, you need to go to the doctor right now.

Yeah. You have AIDS. No. You have HIV AIDS. I don't have the HIV virus that causes AIDS. You did. You do have the HIV virus that caused AIDS because you pretended your mouth was a butt. No.

Yeah, and that's where it comes from. I cured it. Any time your mouth does stuff a butt should do that forms the HIV AIDS virus. I cured it. And you did a fart zone. No. How did you cure it? What's the cure for AIDS?

Pepsi will not cure AIDS. The only thing that cures, no, the only thing, no. Pepsi is. the cure. The only thing the cure's AIDS is Dr. Seby's herbs. Dr. Pepper is Dr. Seby's 36 flavors. What's taped to your ceiling? Uh, that's just some newspaper I was reading earlier. I like to sit on the ground and look up and read the newspaper on the ceiling. It's a little challenge for myself, for my eyes. I like to challenge my eyes. So sometimes I'll like put two flashlights on the front of my glasses and just put them on strove.

and see how long I can laugh without vomiting. I like to look into laser pointers just to train my eyes and endurance. I'm doing an eye challenge and I'm close to a world record. You guys introduce the list. I'm going to eat a bar. Okay. Top ten reasons. Cameron's bar is poop flavored.

Number one, he bought it from the poop store. I got to stop. Number two. Mowing into the mic. Number two, he's the guy who made the bar. He had meowed into the mic He yawned A male meal

A male meow A male yao was a meon A male yao is a ming But you're eating poop Basically Just introduce the list Basically Cameron's eating poop right now This is the most romantic things to say to her

And her is And you know who her is It's Cameron Yeah it's Cameron This is perfect We can say all these things to the girl From our podcast Cameron

Cameron. The woman of our dreams. The woman of my dreams. I close my eyes at night, and I imagine Cameron in a beautiful red bikini that's one-inch big. You guys already said I was a boy this episode. You can't do it. This episode, you have to wait till next one. It's called Take Baxies, and I take Baxie that.

Wow. Someone who was yelling at Patrick for being a tattletail and an air horn now wants to do Baxies. I think you're the real bitch here, pal. Yeah, I think I was framed. No. I'm going to frame you, buddy I think I was framed No, but yeah You're gonna take that back too

Dude, you can't commit to anything I take it back I mean how is this guy the married one on the show You are both Oh I know he's married to his freaking mommy and daddy And he lives in there And he lives in their basement And he does chores and powers the house

For them on an electric bicycle Is this seriously my life I'd call in here twice a week Just to get absolutely fucking lasered By two hot shots This is my life Caleb's a Just do the list

Is this how Beetlejuice from Howard Stern feels? But can you just try for once And like start the list? This is how I feel I'm Beetlejuice You guys are Howard Stern And I'm Robin and Beetlejuice And you're right

I'm gonna make you ride the Sibian Did they make Beetlejuice ride the Sibian? They did not make Beetlejuice ride the Sibian I think they would go to jail If they did that. Yeah they would go to jail They would go to jail instantly Yeah

Yeah, like automatic jail time. Immediately. Yeah, I mean, and also it would have been filmed. When the government saw, when the government saw Beetlejuice on Howard Stern, they, like, they put a detector on Beetlejuice's butt. That if it ever touched the Sibian, they instantly would raid the studio and put Howard Stern in jail. Beatle juice was actually, he was a honeypot operation, and he's actually filled with bombs. And they sent him in, they were like, they can't resist putting this guy on the Sibia. And as soon as the magnets from the Sibian touch his pussy, he had a pussy, by the way.

That's how far they went and trying to bait Howard Stern. Yeah, he would have just explained. Wow, wow, that's wild. That's real wild. Beetlejuice, nice pussy. Wow. Beautiful pussy. Hold on, this is my Howard Stern impression, ready?

Okay. Hello, it's me, Howard Stern. Oh, it's me, I was stunned. Beetle juice. You got to get all this in here right now. Beautiful pussy on Bayou Juice. Hey, Beetle Juice, you gotta get all this in right now. How's that?

Hello, Beetle Juice. All right, number one. Last night I looked up... Wait, Cameron, let me look at you in the eyes when I tell you this. Serenade you. Last night I looked up into the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out stars. Whoa.

Cameron just, Cameron's pants are wet now. Mm-hmm. Yeah, Cameron's, because he's peaked because I'm embarrassed. No, Cameron's stuck to his gamer chair. I don't have a gamer chair. Cameron has a gamer chair. You have a hot leather gamer chair. Cameron has a big gamer chair.

Yeah. I see what looks like the outline of an avocado in sweat on it. You explain that to me. It's not a gamer chair. Do you see it? I can see the outline of your pussy on it. It's a kitchen chair. You've been juicing on that, friend.

Cameron has been juicing. juiced up. Cameron just got juiced in the chair. Ooh, he juicing. Someone says, I said this to a girl I'd liked for a really long time, but she was playing hard to get. So I said it, and we instantly started kissing, and we had been dating ever since that was last year.

Whoa. Yeah, it's pretty much just something you learn when you're in the game. Yeah. You learn how to have game when you're in the game. Mm-hmm. I got game. I'd be saying shit like this to my bitch. To my biotch.

You don't say anything. You don't say anything. I walk in. I walk in from being outside during the time of the day that she makes me go outside. And I come inside and I say, hey, stars outside. You're a star. She goes, get outside again. Leave!

I'm trying to, I'm doing Pilates with my trainer again. Say, all right. You're star. Beard, baby. I love you. I love my baby. This one said, this comment says, Oh my God, my boyfriend told me this last night,

and I never believed he made it up. Today, I find this. Damn, that boy is screwed. But I have to admit, it's amazing. Wow. Damn, that boy is screwed. Damn, that boy is screwed. Damn, that boy is screwed.

How many more ways can we say it? Yeah, no, he said it because he was trying to get screwed. Yeah, that's right. Hey, hey, what's up? Let's up with y'all. Let's see if somebody got laid from this. Yeah. Because if so...

All the comments are stories about, I told this to my secret crush, and now we have been dating for 200 years. My girlfriend said she had three good reasons for me. Sexy, funny, and then she attacked me viciously for sex. This one works okay, laugh out loud. My girlfriend attacked me viciously. My girlfriend, yeah, my girlfriend attacks me for sex.

Bragging. Yeah, sometimes I... I get home and I get attacked for sex. Pretty chill, right? Down low. Up top. Too slow. Said this to my girl during class. Spent the rest of the period in principal's office for making out. I said this to my girl and she was speechless like I speaking in Swahili.

The minute someone speaks to you in Swahili, you just stop talking. L.O.L. I can't believe the cringe. If my boyfriend told me this, I would jump him if you catch my drift. But no, guys actually think about saying this stuff sadly. I would viciously attack my boyfriend for sex. Sounds less tacky than having a small set of roses. Not putting down the roses, though. I told my girlfriend this, and she straight up came all over the place.

Sounds like Cameron. No. That's what happened in Cameron's reaction. Number two, I sent an angel to look over you at night. The angel came back a minute later and I asked why. It told me angels don't watch other angels. Wow. What the fuck?

I'm dating a biblical angel. She's a giant babyhead with 15 wings coming out of her neck. You are dating a baby. Yeah, you're dating a baby. No. I'm dating a biblically accurate angel, just a bunch of lines. You're dating a biblically accurate angel, a cherub. cherubs are not able to be accurate.

You're dating one of those cherub statues from a Greek restaurant where it's pulling its penis and peeing. I'm dating an evil, an evil angel in knight's armor with a sword. Yeah, a man angel. No, it's a cool soul guy. Yeah, you're dating a guy named Gabriel. Yeah. You're dating Gabriel Iglesias.

No. And if I was, I'd be rich, so. Really awesome. I'm a male. I can't wait to say this to my beautiful girlfriend. That's nice. Yeah. Good for him.

Every first letter capitalized. That I would like to say to a girl. My girlfriend burst into tears. They themselves were like the stars. And she said that she could never leave my side. And I was, quote, the guy. I'm a 10-year-old girl looking at this list for fun. I usually rate reviews for worse things about Disney and stuff.

This one is seriously juicy. Ooh, this is juicy. Basically, I'm 10, and these are some juicy complies. Amazing. This is a really nice thing to say to a girl or a guy, depending on your sexuality. True. Yeah. I told my girlfriend over the phone at like 3 a.m. and I was awoken with a king-sized hug. Lots of kids. A king-sized hug.

Yeah. My king-sized girlfriend. My girl is a real California king. She's fucking, she's huge. those hugs. God, she'll break me. They're king-sized. I said that to my girlfriend, and she kissed me, and we went to bed.

Now we have twins, a boy and a girl. Sex was amazing. Learning about sex through the Sims really fucks kids up. Yeah. They're just like, because, yeah,

I remember my older brother asking me if I knew what sex was when I was a kid, and I was like, yeah, it's when you kiss naked in bed. It's when you go dancing together. Yeah. Hello?

And then he laughed at me. And then you get twins, a boy and a girl. And then you, Yeah, and then you get twins, a boy and a girl. And then you get to wear funny shorts that have hearts on them. This comment, you honestly don't understand how to love. The messed up reality is, if you are not from China, the world is fake.

China makes everything, guys. Repost this everywhere if you agree. Whoa. All right. All right, I'll repost it. Yeah. That's fine. Yeah, I like China.

Much respect to China. Much respect. Number three. Number one. I say a picture tells 1,000 words, but when I see yours, all I see is three. I love you. Your picture is worth nothing, bitch. Yeah, you could have said, I love you, like, 300 times.

Yeah. Just say it 1,000 times. Write a AI, write a bot to say it a thousand times. Right an AI to scan a photo, all right? And put your girlfriend into facial recognition, so it says, I love you when it sees her face. Mm-hmm. Put on a hat that says, I love you. Whoa.

And then, yeah. So then you don't even have to say it because a hat says a thousand, it says three words. Great help. Once I said this, it's spread. And now I have a nice girl. It's spread. It's spread. Once I said this.

Once I said this, it's spread. I'm a dude and this could make me cry. I bet it would Definitely the best one My girlfriend cried when I said this And then cried for hours And she can't stop crying My girlfriend can't stop crying

Somebody please help me Can somebody get too huge cork So I can plug up her eyes Somebody seriously please help my girlfriend stop crying Yeah I'm taking to the hospital Because my words made her cry so badly Something happened to hear her tear down Yeah, she's wasting away because all the water is leaving her body.

Yeah, she's turning into beef jerky. She's going to die. She's turning into beef jerky, the perfect girlfriend. Mm, math guy 37. Wait, beef jerky girlfriend. Whoa. Oh, my God. Smoky and delicious.

Math guy 37 comments. I want to say that to my mom. Oh, somebody wants to. It's kind of weird, man. Come on, math guy. I want to say that to my beef jerky girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah, Slim Jim girlfriend.

Yeah, Slim Amanda. That's right. And you know what the shape of it is, because Slim Jim is a long stick. Mm-hmm. And a Slim Amanda is like a woman's vagina, basically. It would be the shape, but it would be meat. Number four, when giving her a dozen roses, 11 real and one fake

Say, I will love you until the last Rose dies So it's already dead All right, cheap skate Yeah, it's not a dozen roses It was never alive Yeah Stupid ass bitch

It is stupid The ultimate show of love And it also includes logic That inclusion demonstrates motivation And forethought Something most people regardless of gender Never include in their cards or flowers This is my favorite one

But I'm biased since I used it in the past and was pretty glad for coming up with a variation of this on my own. This is what Cameron wrote. That's Patrick's alt account where he doesn't do the dumb guy act for likes. Yeah, it is. That's how Patrick's, that's how Patrick's internal monologue sounds. But then he's like, oh, I can't get 20,000 followers if I post like this. I have to say, I have to say, I could a guy at the subway, man.

No. Yeah. I don't do a dumb guy act. I'm meeting a poop on the boat. I don't do it. I don't do a dumb guy act. I'm eating a lonely island. I'm eating a poop.

on the lonely island boat on the boat i'm on a boat yeah i'm on that boat i'm taking my boat to the lonely island to and my dick is in a box and i'm jack sparrow that i would not i would just say i'm on a boat you would say i just jizzed in my box i jizzed in my butt yeah that would be a pretty good one i just jizzed in my butt post it let's see what's let's see Yeah, I just jizzed in my butt. All right, I'm taking that one then. Put it on the pod account. Okay, okay.

Let's post it right now. All right, I'm gone. That's a special preview. I just jizzed in my butt. I just jizzed in my butt. All right. All right. I wasn't just saying that, guys.

I was, I was, I'm not saying, I didn't do that. All right, if you say so. If you say so. I was just saying that, dude. Did it? Logic and romance Yes Logic and Romance

The best combination For a message To go straight to a girl's heart Girls love logic and romance Women are famous for For loving logic I love a combination of logic and romance Yeah

Bernie Mac had all those jokes About how women love logic too much Yeah It's true Yeah it's true That's people laugh Because it was true dude I really love my girlfriend

And I want to make her happy It worked like a charm Can't wait to use this on Valentine's Day I used some of these on a girl that I really like And she is quite impressed on how I can Variate from Romantic to Dirty slash Sexual Dude Girl, I'm variating to dirty slash sexual

Oh, ooh, you've been Variating from Dirty to Slash Sexual Turns me on, dude Until the last Rose dies, Then you have never started to love her Because the Rose has never started living think about it so don't say this unless you like lying that's what I just said I said that

I love lying dude I love to lie I love the invention of lying yeah me too it's such a good movie dude when Ricky Jervais tricks women into having sex with him yeah the whole movie there's that part where he's like he's like if you don't have sex with me

the world will be destroyed by an asteroid and some woman's like well let me suck your penis then And he's like, nice. And then that's, and then it happens. Yeah, they do the, they have the full scene. Yeah, and then they do nasty on the show. Well, I'm gonna need, I'm gonna need, that was actually, that was a man on the street. That was a man on the street bit.

And that was just a really stupid woman. That wasn't actually part of the movie originally. That was a Borat style. That's just how women are in the UK. He's like, I'm gonna need a full scene, a full penetration. And I do my own stunts. I'm like Tom Cruise. And I'm, and I'm not lying.

He kept trying to do the thing from the movie on the set. Yeah. Just over and over again. Oh, Louis C.K. is in that movie. So, yep. He's also in my house. Yeah. Yeah.

We can't get him out. This brought him to leave. That's what happens when you move to New York. Louis C.K. has to do the Louie intro through your apartment. Well, he has to do it through people's apartments now, because of COVID, but... Yeah, he's eating a pizza over my trash can right now. Yeah.

Get him out of there, dude. He just took two bites and threw the rest away. What the F? Yeah, this guy seriously is a fucked-up individual. Now we have to cancel this guy. Yeah. Yeah, fuck this guy for a... He can't even finish a pizza.

But that kind of behavior doesn't belong in comedy. This brought tears to my eyes. My friend used it on their social network profile, and I just had to search it. I love when I have... have to search things from social network profile. Number five. You deserve the world and I know I can't give that to you. So I'll give you the next

best thing. My world. My spore world. They're referring. Yeah. My tiny little world. My tiny little spore characters that look like you. It's not much. Well, actually it is a lot. They're just like muting versions of the girl. I made you in spore. I made some Samanthians and they're beautiful And I like to

I like to use my cursor to hover over their bodies At work at war with the blurtos right now So yeah Just be really careful when you launch the world Okay because they might go extinct Right now they're actually colonizing a native species right now So just give them a little time before you're They're very violent

Also they have penises Every single one of them They have gigantic penises Giant dix. Listen, I don't know. The modeling really got away from me. It was supposed to be... It was supposed to be...

It's more of an impressionist thing. I was trying to model your legs, but then it turned out that they only had... Then I realized your legs look like penises. And so that's why the character has three penises for legs. And he has Arnold Schwarzenegger's face. Kind of just on accident. I hit random. And the whole body and the whole body is a penis.

And I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. And I'm going to be straight up with you. I also made a Hulk. And don't be mad. I made a Hulk. Listen, I made a Hulk in the game. Please don't be mad at me.

He's not going to jump out of the computer. The penis body is just, it's just, it's evolutionarily efficient. Okay? Spores a game about evolution and about improving upon your creations. And I just found that that's the best. I age you up 30 years. This is what you'll look like when we're in, once we hit the, you know, the big 50 anniversary. You know what I mean?

Because I'm going to cryogenically free. you. Because I'm going to surgically turn you in a penis monster. Because you're 98 years old and you're my girlfriend. Anyway, baby, happy anniversary. Happy six months anniversary. Number six, if you held up 11 roses into a mirror. Here they go with the fucking roses again.

Yeah, come up with a new thing, guys. Yeah. Come up with something else. Yeah. How about that? Let's come up with the new one. Yeah. All right.

If you were in a room with Adolf Hitler and you had a gun with one bullet, I would buy you a dozen roses. Regardless of what you did with the gun. If we did a DNA test and found out you were a hundred percent monkey, I'd still fuck you. I just wouldn't tell anyone. And I wouldn't tell you. yeah you could if if i found out that you were a mutant you could still be my girlfriend but i would you my family couldn't know about it yeah if you were a rose and i would and i was a rose then uh

and we were both and we were both roses and you were made that a chocolate and a kiss i would eat you and it's valentine's day if i gave you a kiss on valentine's day 100 roses a million chocolate And we're going to CVS and we're going to go and we're going to get Teddy Bear from CZ. We're going to get Plan B from CBS. Because last night I busted inside of you and you were a rose. We went crazy last night and we went. Oh, we went crazy last night.

And we're going to get Plan B. One plan B, please. To the CVS pharmacist. Let me get one plan B. Oh. You sounded like the count. I am the count. I'm doing the count.

One, black, B. Girl, I could never leave you. I'm going to love you for 100 days. Yeah. I wish you were my sister so that I could have grown up with you. Real shit. There is a kid. I wish I was your uncle so I could have seen you grow into the beautiful woman you are today.

Real shit, beautiful, bitch. There was a kid in my high school who was in my study that I got. got a credit for and he because it was for it was for kids with like ADD and very dumb kids and he uh his last name was Upton and someone was like hey are you not much what's up with you but he uh he said someone was like are you related to Kate Upton and he went no but I wish I was Yeah, I wish I was one of the, I wish I was her peeping cousin Oh, I wish I was her cousin, dude Hey, cousin Caleb, you want to come to the Sports Illustrated swimsuits

A shoot with me today? Yeah, cousin Kate I just remember like him saying that and they had like cubby, like study cubbies And I was like in one of them And I poked my head out of it and I looked at him and I went You wish she was your cousin so you could Fucker. Air horn. Another evidence of an air horn moment right there.

He goes to the bathroom. He goes to the bathroom. He's like, please, God, please make me Kate Upton's cousin. And then he wakes up the next day and doesn't notice anything different. And then he like, eats breakfast, walks to school, gets into class. And you're like, dude, nice huge fucking tits. Nice jumbo naturals, bro. Yeah. Nice huge fucking jiggly tits in your bikini. dude, you look incredible. Are you Kate Upton's cousin?

Look exactly like her tits. Wow. Bo yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-y. You got to see my cousin, dude. I think that happened at which now is. Sirius boi-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-d-n. Number seven, God was showing off when he created you. Yeah, God was like, hey, check this shit out.

What a fucking show-off. Yeah, check this shit out. Yeah, I put a PS2 in this bitch Yeah, I put big ass feet on this bitch Yeah, let's see what the least amount of brain Met cells I can put in this thing And still make it functional Yeah, yeah

How small and stupid can I was like, yeah I, hey, angels, I had a crazy idea What if we gave this person like a club foot And little dinosaur arms Yeah, yeah What's the most fucking? up I can make this person and still capable of being loved

by someone who likes bad bad God why are you still in the workshop? One of the angels bet that I couldn't make a bitch with a yellow clit. Put the crayons down God. That's how God does it. He puts, it's a piece of like paper and it's got like a stick man

on it and he puts all the things. Basically his hand looks like a person and he does a turkey hand with his hand but it makes a guy and then he colors it in. Uh-huh. Yeah. The comment on this one says, one of them says, Nice, definitely going to say this to my crush.

Wish me luck. I love you, Lauren. Lovely. It will even work with a Christian girl. Even with a Christian. That's the biggest concern is that they don't. Oh, no. This went badly for someone. Most of these have not worked on Christians. Yeah. But I think this is the only one.

one that would work. I'm scared to say it, but Yolo. This comment says, it's made her laugh the whole dinner time. Oh. Damn, he said that to his mom. Yeah, he did. He was making very funny.

How to convert your atheist girlfriend into Christianity 101? My girl is an atheist. well that's a yeah buddy that's a that's a that's a loss dude yeah sorry to hear that sorry sorry your girlfriend doesn't have uh does not shine down upon by god's light yeah sorry your girlfriend isn't a follower of the the powerful and righteous minister farrakhan yeah sorry sucks to suck sorry that your girlfriend does not enjoy hell white devil yeah yeah here's a comment that's all i'm saying A comment that says, what do you say if she's Islamic? Jesus.

Allah? Not Muslim Islamic. Specifically. You say, what up? Hey, bitch. What up? What up, bitch? What up, bitch?

Some of you stupid Muslim bitch. What do you think about this pickup line? She's like, yeah, it's cool. I don't know who you are. Yeah, that's right. What I thought. Please, please leave me alone. I'm trying to work at the bank.

I'm not Muslim. My name is Katie. I am Irish. I'm Irish Catholic. I'm Irish Catholic. I work at the bank. Please leave me alone. It's all the same.

It's all the same to me. That's true. And you just look really cool. Yeah, basically every religion's the same to me. Yeah, basically it's the problem for all of our wars. Basically, it's, yeah, basically it's the reason why the world, Well, the world sucks. If there was no God, we'd have, everybody would have two TVs.

So you're telling me we'd freaking worship a carpenter who turned into a zombie on the rabbits day? Yeah, okay. What was Mr. Bible smoking when he wrote this stuff? Yeah. Happy zombie Jesus Day. Yeah. Easter, I like to call it, I like to call it zombie. A guy completely missing the point.

So, what, we're supposed to believe that a bunny came back to life on? on Christmas. Yeah, okay. So a bunny is the son of God. Okay. Oh, and he's made of chocolate? Yeah, likely story. Okay.

So, wait. That's in the Bible? When I, when I bite into God, he's hollow on the inside? Wait, what the hay? What the hay? What the hay is this? Get this crap out of here. Yeah.

A lot of these, a lot of these are God. Number eight, if I died and God asked me what I'd like to come back as, I'd say a tear so I can be born on your eyes rolled down your cheek and die on your lips that's what i say to pat text patrick that every morning when i wake up yeah we have been getting pretty sexual in the in the group text with patrick yeah you guys there's something about him there's something about him that drives me crazy it's true there's something about you dude i think it's no it's not that it's something else it's just how how beautiful you are yeah you're gorgeous you have beautiful big lips and a A beautiful mind.

And you're thick. And also you have, you have, you have these arms. Oh, God, I just want to. I got arms, for sure. I just want to lick you up like a, like a fruit roll up. I'm not a fruit roll up. I just want to turn you into a caramel. I'm going to go out with you for a few years and then marry you, I'm thinking.

I'm making a plan. Yeah, pretty much I'm going to do it first. I'm writing up a blueprint for our life together. Yeah. I think I'm going to marry Patrick. Yeah, I'm thinking I'm going to wait a few years and then marry Patrick. Hold on. Let me get my to-do list.

Mary Patrick. One second, let me check my, let me check my Blackberry real quick. I think I have something on the calendar for tomorrow. Oh, yeah. I have a meeting with Patrick where it's called a proposal meeting where I ask him to freaking marry me sexually. Wait, I'm getting a message on my palm pilot. I'm not going to get sexually married to you guys.

It's reminding me to marry Patrick. I'm not going to get sexually married. I have a sticky note on my mirror and it says, today's the big day. you're going to marry Patrick in a sexual way. Patrick, listen to me. I'm going to offer my wife as a dowry, and you and me are going to get married. Then what?

In America. Me and Patrick are going to go to Wendy's for our honeymoon, and we're going to do it in the bathroom. Mine has already arranged, dude. You really want to buck tradition like that and disrespect your elders? Why would I do that? Because your parents arranged us to get married.

My parents did not arrange us to get married. They did. They said this is... They didn't. They said you are one of the... You were the only person who's been worthy of Patrick's love. Some girl named Cameron came by and tried to take our son, but we said no, and we're saying yes to you. And so I want you to know, if you marry him, your father will condone you.

If you marry me, your father will disown you. He'll eat his head now. And that's some bread now. Patrick already agreed to marry me and have a 1,000-year trip around the world as a honeymoon. That was on opposite day. And to have love every night. He said we would have love every single night. He said we would have love every single night.

Fighting over me. No, dude, you're too good. You're too good. Oh, my God. I want to have a honeymoon suite where I lead you to the bed with salt and vinegar. Patrick, if you choose me. Patrick, if you choose me, we're going to have a mansion with 1,000 rooms of in it. What do you say to that?

If you choose me, I'm going to, I will blow your mind. My tongue is three feet long. I will do all sorts of freaks of things. frog fucky shit to you if you just marry me just sign on the dotted line and let me invest in you

with my body. I already I already forged a marriage certificate between you a minute yeah so we're technically already married I already submitted it

you know what I just want to mold you like a plot star with a fleshlight I just want to get a signature Patrick fleshlight I don't even point of you married not going to happen

I just want to put a bunch of mud on your holes and then just get it just get accurate Listen, all I want, accurate hole, and then I'm out. I just want to, I'm going to switch around your different anatomies and get acquainted with different parts of you. I'm going to make you suck a French fry at my wiener. This is disgusting. No, it's not, it's marriage and it's love.

It's all disgusting to me. I'm going to play the bongos on your zones. I don't want to fucking marry you anymore, dude. Good. I don't even, listen to me. I don't even want to have a beautiful marriage with you anymore with that. kid that looks like half of me, half of you split down the middle, okay?

I don't want that anymore. Yeah, dude, you want to eat poop instead. It's good that you don't want to eat poop instead. Dude, I don't want to retire with you. I don't want to live on a golf course and go outside every day. You would not live on a golf course. And I cook a pineapple for you on the grill

because you recently turned vegetarian. He recently turned Jamaican. You recently became Jamaican. You converted to Jamaicanism. I don't want to have that way. Jamaicanism. You did. Our son converted to some kind of fucking Jamaicanism.

I don't know. He's at Pratt right now and he's having a bad time. Hey, Patrick. Patrick. What? Bob Marley was showing off when he created you. Yeah, real shit jaw was... Jaws snapped on you.

Patrick, if I died... died, and Chet Hanks asked me what I'd like to come back as, I'd say a tear. I'd say buyaka, boyaka, boiaka, boiaka. I'd say, er. Er. Number nine. I'd say, I'd say, tingon massive. Big up.

Big up. Big up the tingong massive. It is, it is sad that the Hank's family lost both parents to COVID and a son to Jamaicanism. It is really sad. One of the most violent religion. Yeah. It's like the Kennedys. It's like, they're just dropping, like, flies.

Yeah. I put a tear in the ocean. When you find it, I'll stop loving you. What is with all these tears? Love is about crying, dude. Girls love to cry. They're addicted to it. Yeah, that's true.

Girls love to cry. Yeah. That's what, I mean, think about sex, right? The two parts of the body cry on each other. Yeah, that's true. That's what my, that's what my scientist teacher told me in class. Wait, a girl's thing is supposed to cry? A girl's thing he'd be crying?

Supposed to have wet on it? Huh? Hold on. Girl thinking, girl think you're going to go cry? Oh, girl thing went cry. Man. Oh. Massive tear.

Chet Hank's describing what, how. Having sex. Yeah. Yeah. Condum too big. Oh. Condom went massive on it. Oh.

Chet Hanks would not... I don't think he would have a massive condoms. I'm going to scroll to the last one on this list. No, he has a really big baggy condom like a rusta hat. It has dreadlocks coming out of it. That's good. Damn, there's like so many on this list. I'm trying to find the last one.

There's over 100. There's so many comments on all of them, too. Damn. We could do a part two on this one, but I don't think we should, because I think this one's a pretty bad list. originally created a man with two heads, four legs, forearms, and two hearts. He thought they would be too powerful, so he split man in two, allowing them to spend their lives searching for the other half. I'm so happy that you turned out to be mine.

Is that the last one? Say this one if you like Percy Jackson. Trust me on this. Someone says, screw Zeus. It's all about Poseidon. Someone says, you're the padmaid of my Darth Vader. And try that one on Patrick. Yeah. Hey, Patrick. You're the. Padmaid of my Darth Vader. Wow. Yeah, that's right.

You're the pad made of Darth Vader. You're going to die and I'm going to turn evil. Wait, Patrick, Patrick, you're my fortune to my cookie. Oh, grow up. That's number 343. Grow up. Hey, buddy, go to school and grow up. And why don't you?

You make me feel like an airplane, strong enough to carry 100 people, yet light enough to fly with the clouds. Hey, Cameron, grow up much? Yeah, I do. Actually, every day. Hey, grow up a lot. around here much hey hey uh patrick what you're my best friend sweetheart and i'm sorry for taking you for granted at times but i would move heaven and earth to let you know that i love you i'm empty

without you i trust and love you like i trust the sun will rise in the morning and set at night i don't accept that my penis craving you like a bear crave meat it's as simple as this that's just how you gotta pick that's how you pick a bitch up no i invented that out of my brain oh okay yeah hey patrick patrick i'm I want to take a picture of things on you. Patrick, I'm going to get in you like a gorilla and wiggle in there like a worm, all right? And we're going to get it. You're going to be an apple and I'm going to be a very smart library type worm about here in a minute.

So you better be sweet to the core. Patrick, you're Patrick and I'm a pair of swimming shorts. Basically, you're Elmo and I'm the guy who's piloting Elmo. There's no guy piloting Elmo. I'm the guy fucking Elmo and your Elmo. I'm the guy fucking Elmo. Elmo. Basically, you're Elmo, and in four seconds, I'm the guy fucking Elmo.

And then you start counting down. Four, three, two, one, Elmo. I'm at number 600, and I still haven't got to the end of this list. I'm still scrolling to try to find the last one. Basically, you're rap and I'm Eminem. So basically, it's like. that. So basically, that's just how it is. So basically, I've picked you up and you're my boyfriend now. So if you guys believe that I'm Patrick's boyfriend, I want you to go online and

post hashtag Caleb is Patrick's boyfriend. And if you believe that, if you believe that Cameron is Patrick's boyfriend, I want you to go online and post hashtag Blue Lives Matter. So let's see who I'm going to get way more hashtags than you. No, let's see which you have to be following the podcast account so let's see who gets more yeah you do no you don't let's see who gets more uh hashtags it's gonna you know i mean it could be close who knows i don't want to i already have a huge i already have a lot of people on my side no i think you kind of you kind of fucked that one up no i you just can't you're really stupid take backsies i knew he would take backsies yep this was all it was all approved number 825 is good morning my love that one always works i'm still scrolling

I can't get to the end of this. I can't get to the end. You guys, we should do a part two. No, these aren't very good. Most of them literally are just like, this one says, you are the chocolate of the chocolateation by the chocolateed rolling in my lips. All right, we can end on this.

No, I need to find the last one. We're not ending on anything yet. No, this list is never ending like my love for Patrick. I made it to a thousand, but it just says 100. This list is never ending like my love for Patrick. And I'm going to love Patrick. I'm gonna let baby let me love you down Patrick yeah me too that plus one I just want to get Patrick on the floor I feel like if I could get Patrick on the floor just in Timberlake style and we could be on the floor

together then maybe I could make him fall in love with me this I don't know that probably won't happen what was that I just pulled it accidentally hit a coil so okay spring and Patrick's body just got loose so there's the spring there's the spring on the arm and I've done this in an episode before but check this out we can end on this uh this is you are my personal bomb if i don't see you my heart will explode there's a okay so if i ever accidentally do this again check out for this sound all right i can't find the end of this list i'm at 1500 and then hasn't ended yet i'm gonna stop recording you just keep doing it by yourself no all right bye everybody bye I'm going to keep doing it. I haven't stopped recording yet. Oh, I found the end. But you guys can't comment on it.

The last one is, when the sky falls apart and the stars disappear, as I take my final breath, the last thing I would think of would be you. And that's dedicated to Patrick. Go online and message Patrick and ask him to be my boyfriend. Bye, everybody.