Podcast About List - Ep. 107 - World pimpanzee day (w. Ryan @SmilingObject)

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

go follow ryan on twitter @SmilingObject and subrsabe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist i know the audio on this is kinda fucked up but there wasnt much i could do. wont happen again!

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the Monoliths. You're a crap monster. Let's go. Let's do it. Yes, we have Ryan with us. We have Ryan back. I think Ryan's in the building.

Ryan's our guest. I think he's our most popular. Yeah. These are most popular guests with us. Most times appear to me it's most popular. I mean, you're the most popular with the host. We think of you as the number one. What about Pierce?

You probably tie. I guess you're tied with Pierce. Yeah, you and Pierce are tied. Yeah. It used to be our friend Neil. Yeah. I think Neil had the other things. I think Neil had more guests than Pierce and Ryan combined.

But also, most of Neil's guests were that just he just walked into the room while we were recording. And I were like, I guess he can talk on this one. It's because I lived with him. Yeah, it's like, like Patrick's like, Cats are the number one guess. Like, it was that kind of thing. He would just, like, he would wander into my lap. He's the same as a cat.

Same level of being. Yeah, he would fall into my lap from the ceiling. And I would, I would be like, oh, fuck, I got to do it. Oh, no, Neil's playing in the trash again. Oh, Neil's getting another guest spot on the podcast. Fuck. There was one time that he walked in while you guys were at work. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Back when we recorded the podcast at work, he would just, he would kind of walk in a lot. I mean, he would just come, he would just come to work just when he didn't have anything to do. He would just come to my work and never asked me to do my job. He didn't need any equipment or anything. He would just say what's up. You'd just sit there with his hands in his pockets. Be weird to my boss and leave. I love those friends. Oh, he's the best. Important friend to have. Yeah. Of course. So what's up, Brian? How's, how's West Coast living, baby? Oh, it's good. It's

real hot out here. It's just as bad as everywhere else, I think. Yeah, what about the sun? The sun, yeah. What about hell? It's not as bad as it's not as bad as those places. That's a really good point. Ryan, you've been on for two minutes and you're already getting fucked. Didn't hear you.

You already are getting fucked so hard, two minutes in. Yeah, yeah, you got out. How are the... Guys, how is there? everything on the East Coast. Is it really hot over there? Is it fall? Yeah, it sucks at night. It's like probably 200,000 degrees here at night. And in the day, one degree. In the day, it's actually freezing cold. Yeah. They flipped the switch over here.

Do you guys like miss just, you know, hanging out, recording the podcast in person, kissing each other? Yeah. I don't miss kissing them. That's the worst part. That's my least favorite part of the show. Oh, we have to. In order to start and end the episode. yeah it sucks it now we have to drive halfway from boston and new york and meet up and just kiss once and not even record just because we can't record every week unless we kiss yeah so it's getting annoying and it's a lot of gas money too yeah it's expensive no it really is that does suck not the most i've paid for a kiss but it is close yeah um man it's been it's been it's been it's been chill i'm glad i'm glad it's been chill for you you moved you're away from the clown stripper club. I'm away from there, yeah. I'm just like a few blocks away.

Now I'm closer to the Cheetah strip club. Nice, dude. That's the best part about LA is the themed strip clubs. You can't just have like a woman themed strip. Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be something with polka dots on that. None of them are beautiful women themed strip clubs. Absolutely not.

Not a single one of them. It's all Cheetah or Mario Party. Or rock and roll. Mario Party. Yeah. Mario Party strip club. A Waluigi with like, there's no shirt underneath the overalls and the overalls just barely cover the nipples. You're just fucking braining people with golden metal coins, giant coins the size of your head.

It's all like, it's all like really hot women dressed up in like slutty cosplay versions of Mario characters, except there's one guy who's just Wario. That's the battle. He is Wario. He's not dressed as Warrior. Yeah, it's a real Wario. Warrior comes out and tries to steal all the coins off the stage and the woman has to stop them. Yeah, it's a game, that's one of the mini games.

They should put mini games in strip clubs. Okay, all right, let's admit it. It's basically a carnival. There's all these different sort of mini games that you play around the strip club where you have to defeat Bowser and Bowser Jr. Oh, yeah, and one, there's one tile on the floor of the strip club that if you click it, if you click it, if you click it jump on it, yeah. If you accidentally jump on it, then Bowser comes and he takes your money. Yeah. He robs you.

And you have to leave. And you have to leave. Yeah. And then there is an item shop. You can't forget the item shop. Yeah. And you can become invincible. Yeah.

If you get a one-up, it works. You can get killed and come back to life. For the rest of your life. And it's not just in the strip club. That's a permanent one-up. It lasts forever. That's one thing about Mario Party is like, where do they go after the game? games over into the console did they die party yeah let me tell you what not my freaking idea

of a party have you ever turned on tried to play mario party and just none of the characters are in there because they're all in someone else's party true someone else on the other side of the world is playing maria party and they're all there instead you're like your midway what are you saying i don't understand any of these jokes because like i played we didn't have a nintendo i just had a PlayStation so we had like the Shrek version so like I can get it but there was

Shrek was Shrek like the bad guy no they were just all guys no Farquod's the bad guy Farquod was the Bowser I guess so probably I guess Farquod was the Bowser I don't know I think everybody was just

a different character and you know you were Nobody really knew what was going on it was crazy back then well Ryan to understand the The Mario Party jokes just switch the word Mario with Shrek. Okay, got it. You'll probably understand it. Okay. What about Wallaichi?

Wallaichi is a state. Think purple, tall, skinny, Shrek. Yeah, think about Shrek dressed up as the Mario characters, and you'll understand now. Okay. Yeah, you'll go. That's a little too weird for my taste, but. Yeah, sorry, we're kind of a weird, we're a weird, all-comedy podcast. Yeah.

Yeah, we're kind of like, it's like Freakos. Freiko Stern, basically. Yeah. We're like if Stern was all the whack pack. Yeah. You have a podcast? Like, how do you explain it to people? I don't.

It's kind of like if Conor O'Malley was my brother, my brother, and me. That's how I like to tell people about it. Yeah. It's basically like if Einstein had a microphone. So, you just figure it out. If Einstein invented the microphone. That microphone called you as two retarded brothers. which one's Einstein

come on come on you got oh yes come on that's so not nice that's extremely fucked up it's that's nice

and it's normal and it's true yeah it pretty much is basically I'm number one this podcast is kind of like if Samuel Beckett had used Vine that's what I like to tell people

yeah it's kind of like if HP Lovecraft was on Reddit Have you ever seen that picture of Obama drinking the beer and saying not bad and thumbs up and frowning? It's kind of like that. Yeah. It's kind of like one of those real-life Simpsons photos. Basically, audio version. That's what our, the waveform, that's what it looks like.

Yeah, the waveform, the waveform's a couch gag. Yeah, yeah. It's every frame of a couch thing. We don't, we aren't real people. We're just putting, we're programmers who have been converting the couch gags into waveform. then these episodes just come out every time with every different couch gag. Yeah, it's truly amazing technology that we will not be sharing with the medical community. Yeah, only the military.

Yeah, that's right. They're going to use the couch gags to develop new more dangerous drones. Wouldn't that be funny? I always think about it, you know how like every like sketch group or like sketch show on TV, like if it's 10 people, like three of them become like famous comedians afterwards? and then seven of them just get like crazy jobs like working as military contractors or like 7-11 managers yeah yeah i wonder what because none of us will be successful in five years i wonder what our real life jobs are going to be yeah probably the military for me yeah you would be the greatest

military mind of all the time patrick is just listening to dan carlin's hardcore history and saying everything as it comes through his earbutts. It's like people trying to like interrupt him and he's just talking loudly over them as he's like, says more Dan Carl. Sir, what should we do? We have to hit the Shoguns where it hurts. I'm probably going to be a warlock in five years.

I'm thinking. I've been working on curses. You hear about Cameron? He just ended up with a stupid warlock job. Yeah, dumbass warlock. yeah he's a fucking dude dude i'm on that nine to five witchcraft grind it sucks he's making i'm shooting for i'm trying to be a comedian but my fallback is basically alchemist basically i want to turn i want to turn uh gold into i want to turn gold into wood yeah

what's i'm making i want to turn i want to take golden chains and turn them into wood i'm trying to turn valuable materials into pepper that yeah yeah i don't know i feel like that's what people never figured out about alchemy is that it you can't make things you can't make things less expensive yeah yeah you only make stuff worse that's like the law of thermodynamics so gold can be turned into like poop or like a like a mushy like hummus that's true that's a really good point yeah that's i'm an alchemist because i ate i ate a quarter and i turned it into poop i ate a quarter and it's ever come out. It's been stuck in me

for a decade. I told you guys my eating quarter story I think. Oh yeah, when you went to the movies with a bucket full of quarters like popcorn and you ate the whole thing. Yeah, I do remember that. No, I swallowed a quarter in the pool. Swallowed a quarter in the pool. Are you swallowing anything in the pool?

I don't... What the fuck? Are you swallowing that? I threw. Sam, I went to swallow all the water in the pool. I'm going to swallow all the water and then get big and inflated like Petey Piranha and Mario Sunshine but then I accidentally ate a quarter instead

You did another Mario reference, yeah I'm going to have to really change my my like reference pool It really inflated like Jack and Daxter Yeah Like tack and the power of juju Is that ring a bell? There we go

Spiro Yeah Spiro No, Spiro was... Spiro's cool. He's a dragon. Yeah, I don't think he sucked up anything, though. He's a dragon who smoked weed. Yeah.

And he's a Skylander. Yeah. Dude, Skylanders, awesome. Me and Pat are going to play Skylanders. Yeah, we're trying to get... I don't know anything about Skylanders. Yeah, anyone who's listening to the podcast right now, please buy us Skylanders on PC.

Me and Cameron, both need a... If you only buy one, it doesn't count. If you only buy one, we're returning the... And we need all the... And we need all. all the toys too all of them I don't need any

because I'm playing with normal stuff like G.I. Joe's so yeah but these are toys that come to life this reminds me I posted I just come to life

I posted that video of like limp biscuit covers and there was someone who like replied and was talking with their friend in my replies and was like man I can't believe we used to listen to this stuff

this is so cringe nowadays to look at this and they both had Transformers display names That fucking rocks So funny What were the display names Let me look it up real quick

Hammer in the Decepticon Let's see Yeah Mr. Bumblebee I think one of them was something Bumblebee That could just be an animal thing Josh Bumblebee No because their profile picture was a transformer And their bio said like Transformers fan

Maybe he's horrible disabled and that's his mech suit you never think dude this is what yeah that's one of my problems that's the thing if you're disabled enough you just get like us you get an upgrade i think that's called uh horseshoe theory yep goes all the way back around and you you get a super cool legs everybody else exactly yeah ronald mcdonald house pays for you to have like the coolest legs on earth. Oh, okay. Wait, it turns out one of them I just thought was a, was a Transformer's name because their

name is Jess Phoenix, and I just assumed Phoenix was a transformer. I think only one of them is a transformer name. This one is Scout Bumblebee that was saying, I can't believe we used to listen to this. There's no real pattern to the Transformers' names. No, they're all just cool things. It's all just too cool words. They're not like the Ninja Turtles. Like, they don't have like a, there's no reason why they're named what they are.

Yeah, they're all just called like, like, power wheel. It's just like they take two cool words and put them together. It's like the same principle they use to name military vehicles. I've tried to come up with a joke military vehicle name before and just like search them and every time it's a real vehicle. Cobra.

The garter snake. The Raytheon garter snake. The evil dog. Yeah. That's like what all of them are. Northrop Grumman evil dog. the annoying orange yeah

annoying orange they're like four billion dollars over budget and they keep granted yeah six military casualties today

at Cape Lajune as they test out the annoying orange for the fifth time another manned trip on the annoying orange yeah

they're just going to start naming them you have a favorite limpisket album i noticed that you put that on your like you had recently like a big playlist and you had significant other on that oh yeah significant other rocks i think that's the best limpisket album i don't know any of them you guys could make them up i've been listening to so much limp biscuit lately chocolate starfish and the hot dog flavored water yeah mr nasty's Mr. Nasty's Pissy Puddles. That's what all of them are named like.

Yeah. The fuck freak. The fuck freak. Tird hood. I remember like the first... Herd hood. The first... The first...

The first Limbiscuit album I got was like the album full of remixes. And that's actually how I heard for the... Like, every actually good rapper I learned about. that album because they had like Pharrell and yeah they have like method man and fucking they have so many features from just like actual rappers

it's so it's so funny that's like my dad got into hip hop because of girl talk the like mashup artist he was like he's like well Biggie Smalls is actually fucking sick when he's rapping over Twisted Sister that's what it is it's a project to get dads into

hip-hop. It's absolutely what it is. Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a ploy by the rap industry to get like, like, dudes who love, like, Leonard Skinner to listen to Tupac. Yeah. And it worked. My dad is, my dad loves Acon. My dad's, my dad's, like, favorite guy in the world is Acon. It's because, yeah, because I, like, when I was a kid, I accidentally, like, plugged his iPod into my, like, computer at some point and it put Acon I'm So Paid on his iPod and at first he would listen to it because he thought

it was funny that he had a rap song on his iPod and then every day I would like walk into his room and he'd be listening to it alone and just like rapping to himself he knows every single word of the edited version he knows the edited version for the record

getting edited version for my dad so he doesn't say the hand word. I mean, that is what it took. Absolutely. Yeah. What's going on? What happened with Acon City? Oh, you don't remember that? It's driving. They hit it like Wakanda. They put a shield around it.

It's invisible. They got too advanced too fast. They had already come out with I'm so paid too. Yeah. And they were like, we got it. They had an Acon City? We have to hide. Yeah, Akon, like, bought a city.

Yeah, he, like, bought. That was going to run on his own cryptocurrency or something. He brought electricity to it. Instead of, you know, the special mineral that Wakandans have, he just brought them electricity. Yeah. They just trade electricity. Electricity is the cryptocurrency he came up with. They just trade a bottle of lightning back and forth.

Shoot lightning at each other in order to pay each other. Yeah, yeah. They go palpatine on each other. If there's one power I wish was real, I wish it was electricity powers. We're real. Yeah. I looked up. Oh, my God.

You got insanely loud, Patrick. Sorry, I'll move it back. I looked up Acon City, and it says Acon finalizes deal to build a cryptocurrency city in Senegal. And then the photo that they use is like one of those future, like, this is what society would look like. that fucking rocks dude yeah i mean they're right yeah that is the kind of a coin a coin yeah that's that what it was called yeah that's what it was called you know that he just he was like what can i play off my name now i guess i feel like he came up with the name first yeah 100% yeah he thought oh shit look what happens if you put an eye in the middle of my name

dude i got to start a city the only way this is going to work to buy an entire city with it yeah that's definitely what African countries need is just some completely new currency that can be inflated to the point of being meaningless exactly yeah I've been saying this for years actually and I'm just glad Acon took some action all right um the list today we got a monkey list we got a chimp list we're monkey in it

It is. It's Chimpanzee Day. It's today. Yeah, oh, it is. It's national or international. It's also Best Seal Day and my sister's birthday. It's also Caleb gets his friend's money day. I'm actually looking right now. It's World Chimpanzee Day today. I just, I looked it up.

This banana's for you, chumps. Yeah. Thank you. Let's all toast a banana. Yeah. those motherfuckers love bananas man monkeys and monkeys and bananas is kind of like monkeys go monkeys bananas for bananas monkeys go bananas for bananas that's right yeah monkeys go monkey on a banana they will all right so this is from ranker this is uh people who own chimps as pets and paid the price

with it has a 1.6 million views that's got to be pretty good right they probably made a couple thousand dollars off of this list yeah that's right this is written by Lee M.J. This list. Yeah. Lee Michael Jackson. Can we see his photo?

I like that it says so the beginning of this article says on the surface owning a pet chimpanzee seems remarkably appealing. Movies tell us they're cute, fun, entertaining, and just like us. Yes, we share around 99% of our DNA with them, but there's one key difference between our two species. Grown chimpanzees have the strength of several adult humans. That's the key difference between us and chimpanzees. Wait, I found, I clicked on this guy, Lee, MJ's profile, and this is his bio.

If you wonder into a seedy bar past midnight looking for someone to discuss Jeffrey Dahmer's victim count, government conspiracy, or contemporary horror with, I'll most certainly be there. I've got a master's degree in poetry and can often be found listening to True Crime Podcasts or long songs with a lot of lyrics. Calling my sense of humor,

quote, dark would be like calling the Mariana Trench kind of deep. I love music, books, film, and anything else I can lose myself in. Pull up a chair and let's talk anything weird, creepy, or scary.

Damn. yeah i'm a bit of a freaky little creep and i like to make lists um and just while we're on his while we're on his um his page uh i just want to look at some of the other lists he wrote like this one that's called animals who just love getting down and dirty and the like the caption of it says everyone knows at least one person who is completely obsessed with doing it and then there's another list he has called nine uncomfortable facts about how dolphins are sexual assault monsters

and then he also has 20 unforgettable behind the scenes images from the Harry Potter movies yeah there's a theme here they're all connected somehow

yeah that fucking rocks dude Um, number one, this is, I mean, this is as classic as it gets. As far as, I mean, who, what chimp do you guys think of when you think of somebody, somebody owning a chimp and then paying the price? Yeah, I think of my, I think of my pet chimp. Yeah, I think of exactly.

Yeah. No, Travis the chimp tore off the face and hands of his owner's family friend. Did that lady, did she, did Charlotte Nash ever, like, sue that lady? Because she probably had grounds to, right? Yeah. I don't know what I would have done. Yeah, I would have become the richest woman in the world. That would have been the funniest signature on those legal documents of all time.

She just signs it with lipstick and a kiss. Travis the chimpanzee, we all know this one. I feel like we don't even need to waste our time here. Travis, the chimp, I mean, he went crazy. He's the reason. We don't even need to talk about it because he's the greatest of all time. He's that simple. You don't need to talk about Michael Jordan.

You don't need to talk about Rinaldo. You don't need to talk about Tiger Woods. It's everybody knows it. He's number one. He's the best to ever do it. He's the number one monkey. He's the, I would say, he probably is like, no, monkeys have killed people before, right? What?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah, people, yeah, monkey, how often, do it? I wonder how often that happens. You think Travis was the first monkey to kill someone? No. No. No. I don't know. No. I'm not suggesting that. No. I wasn't think that was not a thought in my head at any point. I'm just saying he's got to be up there. Yeah, he kind of created the, he kind of pioneered the idea of monkeys. I mean, yeah, like the monkey in the planet in the new planet of the apes movies where he like has the idea of hurting humans. And then he convinces all the other monkey. He runs for monkey president. He wins, right? It's kind of an allegory for Donald Trump those movies. you think about it. Yeah.

Because here's a monkey who's very smart, just like Donald Trump. And he wins over all the monkeys to fight all the humans. And it's pretty much a one-to-one comparison. It's true. Yeah. Gone at some point. Yeah. Donald Trump got, he recently got a gun.

He rides a horse. He rides a horse, yeah. There's a, like, there's an old fat one. That's, that's me. You're one of his top advisor. I'm the orangutan. and I'm basically his number one guy. He looks to me for stuff like bananas and to get a new gun.

Yeah, man, I'll never forget the day I woke up and saw the headline. Donald Trump has a gun. Yeah. That was a dark day. That's kind of, that's when, that's when it all started going downhill for him. This is not normal. Yeah. This is seriously not normal.

The president just got a gun. The president is constitutionally not allowed to have a gun. gone yeah because i mean that's that's yeah that that pretty much um ruins checks and balances right there that's true yeah yeah balance this bitch that's what he could he could do a cool line like that or he could even do this check this bitch you know he could do both you both checks and balances it's kind of a it's kind of a sticky situation to get in i don't want to be i don't want to be a drama queen right now but my finger just exploded oh jesus what the fuck how happened you did i don't know what the fuck happened you are a drama queen what what did you what happened

it just started bleeding my finger i i i i guess i i i used the keyboard too hard on it and it started to bleed oh stop typing so hard what are you not typing right now i i typed in the thing about a coin dude you got cursed acon strikes again dude i got to get some paper or towels or something. I'm sorry. Okay. Can I take this break to take a shit? It's killing me. All right. I don't remember what we were talking about before Patrick had an accident and we had to stop recording. Don't explain it. Here's all we're going to say. We're just going to say Patrick had an accident. We're going to save me some embarrassing. That's all we'll say. No. Patrick had some part of Patrick's body had an accident.

My finger started bleeding. We don't even want to know about what you do with your finger. I started bleeding. Patrick's... Everywhere over the white chair. Yep. Yeah. Body fluid is everywhere. Patrick's downstairs finger exploded all over his chair.

That's right. That's not what happened. Oh, so your finger didn't explode? My finger exploded on my downstairs finger. Your downstairs underwear finger? Yeah. No. My regular finger.

The finger that comes off of between your legs? No. You're naughty little finger. You're naughty little finger had an accident. It is my naughty finger. It's my middle finger. So he admits it. No.

Yeah, it's the one in the middle of his legs. Yeah. It's not in the middle of my body. It is. Oh, you're, where is it then if it's not in the middle of your body? It's in the middle of my hand. You have your, okay, so.

You have a hand where your dick should be? Yeah, what? Ah! Fucking weird, dude. Yeah, we had to take a shit break also. Yeah. And while I was shitting, I found out that Barry Weiss resigned. Yeah.

Wow. I mean, this is huge for us. Oh, my God. This is fucking huge, dude. Yeah. We're going to hire her now. I don't know anything about her. I don't want to.

She's just basically awesome. I just said I didn't want to. I'll leave it at this, Dreamgirl. I said I don't want to know anything. You know what you do? Yeah, Dreamgirls. She's a serious Beyonce. I don't know.

I actually thought I had an opinion and then someone asked me why is she so bad. And I was like, I don't really remember. Me too. I don't fucking care. She's quitting. She quit the New York Times and moved to L.A. and strip at the Whaling Wall-themed strip joint in L.A. It's going to be really hot, dude.

Everybody's, you won't want to miss this, dude. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. Fully closed. Rock. The next one is the owners of Moe the Chimpanzees suffered a horrible animal attack. I don't like that they, they see it this title makes it seem like a different animal yeah yeah different chimpanzee came in

and attacked or just a not even a chimp like a some like a um a mosquito this is this is the author of this list owned a mo the chimpanzee and he got bit by a mosquito and he's just trying to sneak this in there because he's he's really upset okay so st james St. James. That's the guy's name. What the fuck? St. James Davis. St. James Davis? That's a really good name.

That is like a name that you would give your chimpanzee. St. James. St. James and LaDonna Davis were high school sweethearts. They'd plan to get married until St. James left LaDonna at the altar. What the fuck? And then skipped town shortly after on a boat headed for Africa. Eventually he came home and he brought Mo. a newborn chimpanzee.

Not long afterward, he and Ladana finally married. What the fuck? He left this bitch at the altar and then went to Africa and came back with a monkey. And they still got married. Yeah, let's, I just, sorry,

I had to get my mind right. I have a monkey with me now. You can see I'm a different man. And there's a monkey here. I needed a best man. I needed a funny best man before we, I realized, I realized I didn't have any sort of,

of uh there was no comic relief at this wedding oh my god they fucking they had the chimp at their wedding there's a photo there's some pictures of him without a nose and then there's a picture of them that's a spoiler oh well spoiler alert we can edit that out there's a photo of the monkey in a little hat and he's got like i'll post this picture with the episode Yeah. This is a really good picture. The monkey is sitting on the lap of both of them and they're in their wedding outfits. He's got a little hat.

Man, that is a great monkey photo. Over the years, a human couple and their chimpanzee lived in California. They eight slept and watched TV together. And Moe even made some TV appearances. But when Moe was in his 30s, he began to display aggressive behaviors. After a raid by the police and animal control, Moe was eventually. taken away by the state, but then Mo was eventually granted the right to stay

at a sanctuary for apes where the Davises could visit him. One fateful day, never a good way to start there's never something awesome after that. One faithful day, Caleb's mom came home with a GameCube. One fateful day, the

Davises were visiting Moe at the sanctuary for his 39th birthday. That's an old fucking monkey. Birthday. Tragically, two chimpanzees escaped from their cages. Oh, my God. Oh, they were right. Foreshadowing. Jealous of the Davis' attention to Moe, one went directly after LaDonna biting her thumb off after an attempted tackle.

St. James jumped in to save his wife and became the main victim of the attacking primates. After five minutes, LaDonna screams caught the attention of the sanctuary owner's son. If I owned a chimp sanctuary, I would watch fucking everybody. Yeah, I would not be sitting in the office like watching Breaking Bad and be like, well, if I hear screams from me. more than five minutes, then I'll walk out. Five minute, Mark, I've legally got to run in there. Yeah, he just looks down. He's like, oh, it's been five minutes, all right.

I guess I have to go check this out. It's like that those kids in high school would say, like, hey, you know, if 15 minutes the teacher doesn't show up, we can leave. Hey, if five minutes at the screaming's still going, I have to leave. We've got to get out of here. Basically, the guy shot both chimpanzees and St. James was left massively disfigured. Despite everything He looks

He has no nose now He's got no nose And then he's got like Look at Google Moe The chimpanzee And it comes up He has a fucked up mouth too And it looks like an eye

He kind of looks cool He kind of looks evil You know Well I mean you can't That's the problem His name is Saint James He can't be an evil saint That's why it's so impactful

true because it made him look evil and now people don't believe he's a saint anymore I would love to get attacked like this and look like this I would absolutely kill for that dude you know how much money you would save on Halloween costumes the last line of this one is despite everything the couple continued to visit Moe until he mysteriously disappeared from the sanctuary. Whoa. That's the real mystery.

Can you imagine you and your wife both get attacked and disfigured by chimpanzees and you keep going back to the place where the chimpanzees attack you? That's insane. Oh, wait. This is new. Charlotte Nash got a full facial transplant. Whoa. She looks hot, dude.

Whoa. Charlotte Nash, I take it all back, baby. Wow. Hubba, hubba. Wow. She looks good, dude. She used to look. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. For you, Charla. We've always supported Charlotte. We've always backed you, Charla, hugely. Absolutely. She can come on any time. We've already, we've extended the olive branch once.

Yeah. We've extended, we've extended a vine for her to swing on over to the show. You know, yeah, maybe that was. and poor taste now I think about it. We extended her a banana. A banana on a mannequin's hand. And gee. Wait.

Okay. I was Googling, was Moe the Chimp ever found? And I found that forum thread on 247 sports.com called whatever happened to Mo the Chimp. And they're just like talking about this attack. And a guy named War Eagle Pete said, posted in this thread and said, Let that chimp attack me. I would choke the life out of that monkey. That's so awesome.

Just Mark Wahlberg. Like, yeah, if I was there, Charlotte would still have a face. You know, things would be a lot different. If I'd been in that ape sanctuary, my kids, let me tell you what. St. James is still having a nose. St. James is still on a fucking nose.

And Moe, the chimp would still be there. The chimp would still be there. He would never be missing. He would be. he would have a cameo and fucking Patriots Day kid I would have had a new chimp son yeah that's true

I would have adopted one of the chimps I would have taught Mo about Christ All right next horrible accident Chimp C.J. and Buddy I love all the titles Chip C.J. and Buddy wreaked havoc on an entire Las Vegas neighborhood Buddy and CJ

were two chimps who lived in Las Vegas Okay, that's like the best. I think that may be the best existence that any being can have. Is like a chimp in Las Vegas. That's like that. I mean, you just are like, you're like probably fucking human women. You know what I mean? Like you're probably getting like, you're probably, you're like a rich monkey.

That, um, in Las Vegas. That first sentence, buddy and CJ were two chimps who lived in Las Vegas. That's like the. sheet code for a movie pitch like if you just say that you get the movie no matter what as long as that's at the beginning of your pitch we're in studio meeting yeah

that was the original pitch for the hangover and then they had to like they just kept doing sneaky edits until it was like instead of it okay how about how about buddy the chimp and Zach Galfinacus and they're like all right as long as there's still one chimp and they're like okay but what about

what if the chimp is a tiger the chip is a baby but he's owned by Mike Tyson. Okay. So there were two chimps who lived in Las Vegas under the care of Timmy DeRosa and Lee Watkinson, professional poker players.

Both champs were born in captivity, then bought with Watkinson's poker winnings and raised in a state where there were no state laws. Determining whether or not people could keep exotic animals. I just, yeah, I just like ending in it. No state laws. in 2012

CJ and Buddy escaped from their cage Buddy ripped his cage from the attached concrete and broke through a padlock on a nearby fence both chimps then proceeded to a neighbor's house where they pounded on the window Can you fucking imagine dude You live in Las Vegas and you're like You're watching TV, you're watching football

And you hear like what you think is someone knocking at the door And you see two chimps Trying to break into your fucking house one resident fearing for his family's life grabbed his gun huh what'd you say oh nothing i just figured uh yeah it's a pretty scary like you you probably figure something's up as soon as you hear somebody pounding really loud at the window

true even if it was a human at the window i would be scared yeah i would already be like so high alert and seeing two chimps i would freak humans are like screaming and pounding really hard Honey, honey, don't worry Just two humans are outside Making chip noises pounding on the windows I'm sure it's two humans

I'll be right back I'm gonna go talk some sense To these fellas Oh wait, it appears I was horribly mistaken Completely I tried to reason with the two humans I think they might be chimps The humans are covered in hair

Hide the bananas And the peanuts Eventually the chimps left the house and continued through the streets Buddy was fatally shot by a police officer CJ was tranquilized and recaptured The pair of escaped chimps struck fear into the hearts of the entire neighborhood That

Those chimps didn't even kill anyone I would have gone into the street and fought them With a sword No I would have choked the life out of that monkey baby the thing okay so with so man versus chimp there's zero way that a like zero out of a hundred times does a does a man win that fight hand to hand right correct but what if it's like andre the giant i saw a video of a guy talking about how he defeated a chimp oh i saw that too oh my god i did see that you're he like choked it out yeah he like body slammed it a couple times he

like he would do a thing where it would run up to him and then he like picked it up and used its momentum against him by saying I saw that exact same video that show was crazy how did he get into that scenario um he was like

you know his cousin was an ape master and he brought a bunch of eight so the chimp was his cousin my cousin's a chimp. That's what I meant by ape master is just like a and then another ape.

Yeah, a bigger one that has, like, better use of his thumbs. It has, like, a crown made of leaves on. Yeah. Really mastered being an ape. I think Pierce sent me that video, and I'm thinking about it. Yeah. I think it was an ape chat that I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think Pearson or not. It ends with him, like, with, like, him, with the chimp, like, giving up, going inside to watch cartoons and eat serial. And, and, like, the chimp. master cousin was like he respects you now he respects what you did you're the alpha male that's what you have to try you have to kill the chimp to win to earn its respect you just have to flip it over a bunch of times chimps love backflips but they don't have the coordination to do them themselves so they will often run at humans in the hopes that they will flip them over their back makes sense I'm sure you could train

Men who's beat a chimp in hand-to-hand combat is basically what I'm saying. The thing is, the problem with chimps is that they're willing to play dirty. I would never bite a man. A chimp will bite somebody no problem. And I would never go after somebody's nose. Yeah, that's fucked up to do. Yeah, that is, in chimps, the thing is, they want to make you look like a chimp. Because you're so close, they're like, you know, like, we, all right, we got to get that nose off there

because my nose does not look like that. It has been bothering the shit out of me. That's just how it works, dude. Yeah. They give you a chimp makeover, and it's very rude for you to try and resist. Yeah, they're doing plastic surgery to you to make you a beautiful, a beautiful chimp like them. Yeah. And when you fight them, it's disrespectful.

And then they want to take your hands and kill you. Well, no, the hands thing is they're like, oh, these hands are way too weak. Listen, I'm going to take these away. I'll bring you some new ones later, but for now you just sit. get with those stumps you'll be fine yeah well they get confused because they're like those look nothing like your feet so basically here i'll take these for now and then i'll go find some that look like your feet and put those there those later they're just doing yeah like a chimp version of queer eye or like okay so before monica had this terrible big nose and these

hands that look nothing like her feet now as you can see ripping her nose off yeah the monkey bunch is going to the there's one chimp that's like the house renovation chip and he's just throwing glasses at the wall yeah there's the food chimp who's making he's just mashing bananas yeah clothes chimp and he's just like he's just making just taking their clothes off

all right you got a dress like this basically Yeah Straight guys have the worst taste Chimps think that all humans are straight And they look down upon them Yeah

The chimp see the queer eye chimp see the The house And they're like oh you can't live here So they just try to make you as ugly as possible So you'll be shunned and have to live in the forest Yeah Yeah they're like this This is the worst tree

Let me just figure you so you can't live in this house anymore because all your neighbors will hate you. Yeah, and that knows, honey, it has to go. You can barely eat any of your teeth with those lips. Yeah, we're going to have to file those teeth down because there's no way that could bite through a woman's hand. Sueco ran loose in Kansas City and destroyed police property. In 2010, a 300

pound chimpanzee that's huge yeah holy shit suiko broke out of her owner's house in kansas city missouri on that seemingly pleasant fall day suco set fear into the hearts of an entire neighborhood okay buddy you're you're reusing motifs here in the hours that suiko

ran free the chimpanzee attacked numerous vehicles along the roads jumping on the roofs of civilian cars the animal also punched out the window of a police car so that's what they mean by destroyed police property i guess Succo was shot with a tranquilizer, which turned out to be ineffective at sedating the chimp. That's all of these stories. It never goes right.

It's always so hard to get the chimp down. Succo would ultimately return to its cage, however, after her owner coaxed her back into her cage. That's all it took. But police do not have enough money to deal with chimp-related incidents clearly. That's true. That's why they need tanks. Yeah. What happens if a monkey tries to jump on top of the roof of the car?

They can't do that with tanks. Yeah, because there's no windows on a tank for the monkey to punch out. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the owner incurred a fine and lost possession of the animal. That's not a big deal to me. Yeah, not interesting. I wouldn't say that that was exactly paying the price of owning a pet chimp. Yeah, well, I guess you technically, they did because they paid a fine. Yeah, that's true.

I guess it was exactly paying the price. Yeah, paying the literal price. Yeah, uh, Timmy, the chimpanzee attacked a police officer. Now we're getting, now we're getting into school. Now they're getting great. Now this is cool. In 2009, a nine-year-old chimp named Timmy allegedly tried to attack. Allegedly. He's yet, he's yet to see his day in court, Timmy. Allegedly tried attacking a police officer in Winston, Missouri. Timmy broke free from his cage in his owner's backyard. He roamed the neighborhood and was. eventually approached by police. He's approached by just two cops with their thumbs on their waistbands. He's like, well, hey there, mister, what are you doing now? I like, I like the idea that the author

of this list, like, started writing it and then was like, oh, fuck, Timmy might sue me and went back and put it around, allegedly. I hate when I have to go to monkey court. It sucks. There's criminal cases, civil cases,

and monkey cases. The judge ripped my nose off in monkey court. The judge is just a huge fat orangutan with a big powdered wig. Using a human hand as a mallet. It's just, it's just like your state appointed lawyer is a chimp in a suit. And he's just going, yeah.

Cross examining you and just urinating your mouth. He's leading the witness Trying to fuck the space Between your fingers Someone in the jury throws Someone in the jury throws poop at you Monkey court is maybe the best idea I've ever heard

Yeah this is really good I can't believe how good that is There's so many different possibilities There's so many things that could happen It's just the whole time in court Like it's just every second just every single monkey there is just screaming at the top of their lungs

you can't hear anything they're just going constantly the jurors box is like a tire swing in it just a monkey just swinging while you're trying to

faster and faster in a circle you're about to be like serve the life sentence and you look over it's just a monkey's just, like, spinning going, Ah! Ah! Oh!

That's like, yeah, what if, like, because it's so hard to get people for jury duty, what if they, they just stack up, like, they get, okay, we got six people, but let's, we'll just fill the rest with chimps. Yeah. They're very agreeable. They'll just go with whatever. Yeah. They're doing, um, because one of the chimps couldn't, we just, we realize you can't say yes or no.

There's a, a lawyer doing, um. um like there's a case on the robbery of a toy store and the and they're like the lawyer's like now did you or did you not steal this item and holds up a tickle me Elmo and then every monkey in the room just attacks him rips his body apart uh timmy reportedly tried opening their squad door their squad car door and grabbed an officer before being shot though timmy's life came to an unfortunate and the incident led to a larger bust what when police investigated the home of timmy's owners they discovered an illegal puppy mill with about a hundred to two hundred small three dogs as well as three other primates wow imagine having imagine having like a hundred

like i have 200 dogs in my backyard i have 200 dogs between 100 and 200 yeah It's because cops can't count past 100. They were like, eh, it's probably one, two, yeah, it's like a hundred or two. It was like, it was 20 dogs. 99, 100. Yeah, that's about 100. Wait, hold on, there's some more back here. Yeah, one, two, let's make a 200.

Yeah, it's probably between 100 to 200. In Montana, the three other primates were just, we're just Timmy's owners. They were just the people. Sorry, Connor the chimp. In Montana, Connor the chimp bit a woman. Connor the chimp. Gene Rosotto, a real estate agent, and resident of Carbon County, Montana, raised two chimpanzees from birth. Risotto treated them like their own kids, her own kids.

The chimp's Connor and Kramer. Kramer the chimp! Come on. They had their own beds in a set of pajamas. Allegedly, a group of vandal. approached risotto's residence one evening in 2008 breaking the locks of the chimp's cages and setting them free one chimp was rescued by risotto's son but the other wasn't as lucky he attacked a woman but though she wasn't badly injured she later underwent a series of tests as chimp bites can transmit diseases like herpes and rabies but it doesn't even say the result of the tests yeah uh ma'am ma'am we understood that we understand that you spent over an hour and a half uh with a chimp being attacked in your bedroom uh and you might have herpes. So we're going to need to check you out. I like the idea. I think this is giving

me the idea to keep two chimps in my house just in case there's ever a break in. It's my self-defense stand-your-ground chimps. You have to assume they'll set the chimps free though. I have a button on the wall. I have a big red lever that I pull. So you're thinking you're, you're... They'll leave my attack chimps and they just immediately attack me. You're thinking of a chimpanzee as a weapon now. This is giving me the idea. I have to admit. Oh, my God. That's a scary thought. I'm dark and twisted, dude. Even if they do like, even if there's like, you know, massive gun control and background checks, like a psycho could still get a hand, a hold of a chimp, at least in Las Vegas. Yeah. You know, take that chimp to a school. I'm posting a picture of my

chimp on Instagram. Don't come to school tomorrow. another in a series of horrifying mass chimpings across America that's going to happen a week from schools reopening we are going to speak that into existence yeah there's going to be a mass chimping it's terrifying just a bunch of chimps with COVID just like the 9-11 guys like packing really small chimps two macaques like holding everyone with a pilot's gun for it

yeah a chimp wear no that's not a chimp on my back that is a that's a jansport just that's a thing there's no there's no metal in a chimp you could get a chimp have security exactly you know you could feed a chimp a gun and then you know oh that oh that that that's my little brother it's a ticket it's a gun you can buy a plane ticket for terror oh my god like a vice article that's like terrifying

people have been 3D printing chimps at their we went to this 3D printing chip fucking factory yeah and we smoked weed or What are you saying? Why would you need to apply silencers for your chimp? Yeah, a chimp bumpstock.

A chimp bumpstock is just a leash so you can control him in the right direction. I'm taking my, I take my chip to the range, and I just put like a big head of Pam Anderson, like a hundred feet away, and just sicked him. He's just a bunch of tickle me Elmo targets. it's like it's like at the the gun range how they'll have like they'll have like the the target that is like a guy and like a burka and he's holding a woman hostage but it's just like the same guy with the tickle me ohma um this last one i this is probably my favorite this is the one that made us pick the list any butor's family was tyrannized by their chimp pepepe

Pepe Pepe Not even Pepe but Pepe In the 1960s famous French singer Leo Furei

owned a pet chimpanzee whom Ferey even wrote a song about but before the Farray family took Pepe home to their chateau I like all the French words Pippe's trainer warned

I divorced three times because of my chimpanzees be careful The warning turned out to be justified Annie Butor, the daughter of the family Later wrote a memoir about the experience of living with the primate I need to pull this up I clicked on the link

The phrase later wrote a memoir is linked And I clicked on it and it took me to a news article With the headline, Tyrannical Chimp Ruins Childhood what's i want i just want to find out the name of this memoir i'm trying to find i want to hear what the song sounds like we should have that as the music at the end just like fade out just slowly fade out into that song pepe had her own bathroom her toys she dined with us took siestas drove the car on leo's lap

in the evening before slipping on her pajamas she would politely drink her infusion before hugging us tenderly and very tight. Sorry, guys. I can't fucking play tonight. I got to feed my chimp his infusion. Pepe was described as a tyrant who removed guests of their clothes and valuables, bit those who upset him, and even took someone's baby onto the roof. Pepe, you mind watching the kid for a little bit?

What happened was the baby took his tickle me Elmo. I would never trust any child with anything named Pepe. I want to read these two paragraphs to you from this news article that it linked to. This adds a new dimension to the story. Despite Pepe's increasingly unruly behavior, Ferret would strike off any friend who dared call their, quote, second daughter, an animal, saying, we will not tolerate anyone calling her a monkey.

We are not taming Pepe, we're bringing her up. Covered with bites, the servants eventually fled the 16th century Chateau Family Home, which was given over to animals, including a 770-pound pig called Baba that would watch television and have its ears waxed with olive oil. What the fuck, dude? A 770-pound pig?

A baby called Baba. Bomb-Ban Pei-Pay. What the fuck? That's... I didn't know pigs could get this big, dude. Yeah, pigs get gigantic. I'm looking at him, dude. This is horrifying.

In 1968, Farray himself could take no more of this, quote, mad life, leaving the chateau for Paris, where he gained fame and fortune. Damn. Leaving behind my chimp daughter for fame and fortune. Oh, my God. Your chimps are holding you back from success. Yeah. Dude, fucking, the last, like, two paragraphs are so good.

In his absence, Pepe suffered a fault. and refused to be approached. Eventually, Miss Boutor's mother asked a hunter neighbor to put the chimpanzee out of its misery by shooting it. Leo's requiem to the primate would be his song Pepe. The song, the singer who died in 1993 blamed his wife for Pepe's death and they divorced. Miss Bouture, however, blamed him. He was nothing but a chicken, she said.

Wait, did she blame Leo or Pepe? I don't know. I assume Leo Oh yeah Pepe was a girl Yes Wow This is my new favorite

This is one of my new favorite Chimp stories I think Yeah that's up there dude That might That might overtake Travis Yeah I think Pepe is probably better

There's also Oh my god wait It's not a sad ending The monkey trainer who said I divorced three times Because of my chimpanzees Be careful Also said this

Which is a really This is a good like Just Mnemonic to keep in your head Okay More than any another animal. A chimpanzee must know who is the master. Otherwise,

you are heading for disaster. I'm always saying this. I love when I have to come up with a mnemonic to When the that's bad Not being master, that's right. When taking care of my monkey,

a tickle me Elmo, they find funky. When Pepe took the baby, to the roof for Ray waved a toy pistol at it and shouted, Daddy's not happy. Daddy's going to shoot. This story is insane. Oh my God.

The name of the memoir is called How Could I Forget? How could I forget? How could I forget I owned a fucking Chimp? And my husband flashed a gun at it. A toy gun. He didn't even have the guts.

It's funny that the chip knows what a gun is to the point where they can just use a toy gun. Wait, it's not called that. What the head? It just, it says, what is it called? It says, she said, she wrote something. What is, I can't find the name of the book. Well, I found this, gigantic 1,600 pound pig wins King of Pigs title in China. Oh no, it is, it's called how.

would you like me to forget if you if you translate it from french into english how would you like me how would you like me to forget how could you forget how could you forget sounds fuck dude that is so good i might have to buy this book to be honest yeah get it just it's just a good conversation piece yeah never read the book just keep it there so when people ask because it's a vague enough title apparently this this singer guy is very famous in france because all the reviews are like, wow, I love Leo Faray, but I never knew any of this about him. He kind of looks like a monkey.

Yeah. He has monkey attributes for sure. Maybe that's why they got along so well. Maybe. Maybe he thought he was a monkey. Yeah. Oh, and he was a socialist. Wow.

Wow. That's actually, okay, that's actually awesome. All right. Um, I think that, that wraps it up. Yeah, I think that does it. You got anything to tell people about? No, that's it. Just me.

I'm just Ryan. Follow Ryan on Twitter at, uh, smiling object. My object, everyone. Hi. All right. Thanks for having me on. It's been, uh, of course, dude. Yeah.

And since we have to, we should just mention the Gun City thing. You, if you subscribe to the $10 Patreon tier, we have a new D&D campaign that we just started. Um, we're going to do, try to do episodes every two weeks, exclusive to the $10 tier. It's very good. I think it's probably one of the best things that we've done

so far. I highly recommend it. Check it out, bitch. Yeah. Check it, bitch. Yeah. And also make another account and follow Ryan again.

Yeah. There you go. Appreciate that. All right. All right. Bye-bye. And both your accounts, fight. I know.