Podcast About List - Ep. 114 - The $100 experience

Episode Date: September 2, 2020

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You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All right. You're the crap monster. Okay, and we're back. Cameron, stop recording. Okay, I stopped recording. Now, Pat, say what are you going to say? Because when you asked me to stop recording.

I was going to say that Cameron. Why are you saying it so quiet? We're not recording. Say it. Cameron and I are going to get married. I knew it. I knew that me and Patrick would get married. I knew it was going to happen.

I knew it would be me and Patrick and not Caleb and Patrick. Caleb's trying to make himself cry. You'll never make yourself cry. He's just looking at us. All right. We can just do the episode normal and Caleb can sit there and cry. So, Cameron, what did we do this weekend? Everything we've done this weekend, we've talked about 20 times already on this episode.

It's so hard. It is so hard because it's like we use. usually just have like the thing of like the fifth episode we've recorded in two days where we can like not we don't have to talk about you know we could just make stuff up that we did yeah I went to the outer space store oh my god what I bought a rocket ship full of aliens Caleb's still crying Caleb's still crying in the corner yeah Caleb's getting cut out of the patreon yep Caleb's gonna get cut out if he doesn't if he doesn't say one word per minute on this podcast that's the minimum to get paid and it's been one minute you haven't

said anything you guys really get married Yep. Me and Pat got married this weekend. Yeah, me and Cameron got married. We got married in the 7-11. We got it notarized at the Chili Dog Notary Public. Yep. We had our honeymoon in the therapy castle.

You making him happy? Yeah. Really? We're happiest we've ever been. Patrick, are you happy? It's all opposite day. It was all a prank on you. Oh, my God, dude.

Are you fucking serious? You're in the Jamie Kennedy experiment. I was literally crying. You're in the Jamie Kennedy experiment. at the experiment, here he comes. He's going to be... Oh, my God. He's going to come in here.

I'd like to be in the Patrick experiment and experiment with his body. It won't happen. Yeah. That was only part of a prank. That was only part of the prank. We have something very important to tell you. What happened, guys?

We're adopting you. We're adopting you. You're going to be adopted. He's crying again. Don't you hate your mom? Don't you want two cool dads who are married to each other? Me and Cameron are going to teach you how to do... We're going to take you to the firing range

We're going to shoot around you like William Tell. I have a question. Yeah. Is it legal to marry your dad? No. It's not legal. It's legal in New Hampshire. Okay.

We can ask Woody Allen about that. Yeah. Because he married his dad. He married his dad. Here's a question. Would people be so mad at that guy if he had just married his mom instead of his daughter? A guy who's like...

A guy who marries his mom? Swag. A guy who fucking... marries his daughter. Disgusting disgusting pedophile. A guy who, uh, a guy who, uh, what he said, this is your death warrant. Man, you still listen, you still listen.

I'm gonna kill you with time. Yeah. You still listen to Hoodie Allen. Do you hear what he did? He married his daughter. He gets it mixed up, yeah. Hoodie Allen married his daughter. That is a pretty bad. That's a pretty bad fucking name. Yeah, yeah. It was bad in the first place. I'm a rapper named Pill Cosby. Yeah, I'm Barzie Weinstein. Yeah. I'm Rap Hitler.

So, I'm Rap Hitler. That's literally in the first episode of White As Kids, you know. Rap Hitler. Yeah, that's like the first sketch they do. No! H-I-T-L-E-R, driving down the street in this fancy car. Yeah. What about this, guys?

Who's on first? I'm Kevin Blazy. There we go. I was thinking of one because I... I'm Matt louder. Cameron already came. I was going to say I'm Money Weinstein

and then I realized that that does not sound anti-Semitic. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, go ahead and do your new character, Pat. Money Weinstein. Do it.

There's a dozy voice. Okay. Yeah. All right. Ready? Yeah. Wow. That's not how it sounded

in the early versions. Yeah, when we were practicing before we started recording. It sounded kind of like sick Dracula. Dracula with a stuffy nose. yeah well that's what happens when dracula eats garlic he gets he's allergic he's allergic to it

yeah do you think he has normal allergies too do you think dracula has chronic fatigue yeah and that's why he's up at night yeah yeah yeah he's insomnia chronic fatigue fibro fibro my ouchies yeah fibro my dracula no mm-hmm god damn it no i won't allow that to happen he's got dude he's got PTSD. He's got pow, that shit's Dracula. That's right. That's what the doctor said to him. Who's his doctor? Dr. Frankenstein. Don't say

Dr. Akela. Dr. Frankenstein. Better. That's better. Dr. Jekyll. Dr. Jekyll. There used to be a horrible screamo band called Dr. Aculo. Yeah. It was just a Scrubs band. I remember. Yeah. I remember. You remember Dr. Accum. Yeah. I never listened to him, but I saw. It was just one of those bands was like,

yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah, I talked a penis at the store I'm gonna kill you bitch And the store was hot topic Yeah, like all their songs they're doing like a meatwad voice But it's also about like killing a woman who wouldn't look at you in high school Yeah, dude, it was sick It's so funny that like every screamo band is just like

They have like the guy screaming and then like the guy singing You know like a day remember Yeah Yeah It's like I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna go to you My mom made me brush my teeth I hate my mom I'm gonna kill her

Yeah that's what every song is like It don't matter that you're 15 years old Every white man has a deep voice guy And a singing guy in their brain Yeah you have two wolves inside you Yeah one has a deep guy and the singing voice And one guy has long hair and sings like you're The pedophile and the misogynist

Those are the two Every man has one Yeah those are the two Those are the two, those are the two wolves Yep All right, well that's enough for the episode For today Now that we're done, I guess I'll just marry Patrick

No I don't think that's going to happen You can't do uh Patrick will you marry me I want to make you happy Doesn't matter that you're 15 years old We can go in my car and go to the store I hate the store

I'll buy you cigarettes inside I smoked a lot of cigarettes and my voice sounds like this now I'm only 25 years old it's a young man and an old man yeah that's the perfect screamo band yeah yeah it's just like a a blue singer and a girl a blue singer and a guy yeah a guy with a baby son John which is gone yeah he's like you're 15 years old and you are mature for your age it's like you never looked at me and high school and then he's like I'm gonna put you

in my trunk I'll never find your body what they don't know is he has a pit my ride trunk and there's a place station in there yeah it's a place station in the water bed have you guys ever been on a water bed no no my mom's boss had a water bed and I would go over your house you were sleeping on your mom's

boss yeah when I was fuck her in that in the face no I would my mom's boss had a boss that The office was just like a room in her house. Yeah. And so we would go over there and my mom would be like, to keep you entertained, you can go jump on the water bed. Oh, yeah, baby. I would just feel, I would mold the water, because you can move the water around. I would sculpt the shape of water.

The shape of water. Nice. See, if I had a water bed, I would get a clear one and I would put a fish in it. Yeah. I got a water bed put a hole in it. Is it a nightmare on Elm Street where there's a dead woman in the waterbed? It's your life. That's my life.

You're right. I got made stuff. There's a dead girl in my water bed. I'm going to sleep butter in anyway. I feel like I'd be more comfortable on like a chowder bed. Yeah. Yeah, because a peanut butter bed. A peanut butter bed would feel great.

That'd be awesome. You'd mold to your body. The water bed, you feel like you're sinking. This is kind of like a peanut butter bed. This is a good peanut butter bed that we're all laying on together. Yeah, we're under the grandparents and Willy Wonka. Uh-huh. Yeah.

One of them. The grandparents and Willie Wonka were definitely 69ing. second the camera turned off They were not actors Oh yeah They weren't actors They were grandpas They found them there

And then they wrote the movie Around that scene Yeah they found them They found them living They were living in the studio In one of the prop beds They're like damn You all fucking stuck to each

Yeah You look like a chain link fence And I'm gonna turn you into movie stars Pause the orgy for like Two minutes We'll get the take we need You guys can go back to it Yeah that's actually just

The Lemon Party guys Yeah It's true Grandpa Joe did a lemon party uh-oh grandpa joe did a lemon party oh my god yep talking about joe biden joe biden was in lemon party look closely he's the one you can see him he's the one he's the one he's the one getting sucked wow uh-huh it's funny i was thinking about like shock sites that were just just like a guy's penis yeah it's just yeah like whatever dude yeah i've done meat spin in the mirror before yeah

i have but the point of meat's every time i make it in the mirror is you so it to a girl and they don't know what a penis is. They think it's an alien. Oh, it freaks them out. It's to find out if a girl's straight or gay. Yeah. So then you can see if you want to be married her. Man, I got to go pee right at the top of the episode this time.

That's all right. I'll be right back. Oh, my God. The Matt and Pat project. Uh-huh. Oh, Matt. Matt Caleb? Matt, Caleb, and Pat.

Matt Rick. Mm-hmm. Finally, the Patrick and Caleb Project starts. The Patrick and Caleb Project will commence. That's what I'm going to call our house. when we get married it's not going to happen it's happening can't happen why do you think i drove all the way up here it can't happen why because it's not legal it is legal they made it legal in all 50 states no they didn't legalize it gay marriage legalize gay marriage oh oh damn legalize a body boy

Man, that's the best. I think Bati boys, the best homophobic slur. It's the best one. It's so funny. It's not even close. You know why it's the best? Because I don't know what it means. Exactly.

I have no idea what I'm saying. It's probably so bad. Yeah. Do you ever feel like, you know when you're in your room at night and you're making up Chinese and you're, do you ever feel like you say just like the worst thing ever? No. You say the worst word. You're making up Chinese.

It's probably pretty bad. No. Come on. No, but at some point you say like the version of bitch in Chinese, you know? I, um, God, I don't know if he's Taiwanese, my mom's boss, but he taught. Your mom is Taiwanese? My mom is Taiwanese, yes. He's getting politically saying Taiwan's not part of China.

Well, I don't know. Well, Taiwan, do you, I don't know if he speaks Mandarin or Chinese. Hey, Pat, is Taiwan part of China? Yes or no? It's all up in the air right now. This depends on if you're ever allowed to travel to, or this will decide whether you're If you can't add up with deta. Sorry, I was trying to doubt some Chinese right now.

I thought Taiwan was a province in China. I thought Taiwan was a state. I think they, I think they have problems with each other. I think China is like, you're China. And Taiwan's like, no, we're not. We Taiwan. Taiwan is Chinese for Hawaii. That's right.

That's right. Yeah, it's Chinese Hawaii. Yeah. Because you know how, yeah, Hawaii does not want to, they're not part of the U.S. Yeah. My mom's boss taught me how to say you're fired. go for it I don't remember it

it was in high school also I wasn't gonna figure out if I did say it I wouldn't get the dialects right or anything or like everybody would have been so a bunch of my friends took Chinese in high school

so I knew like a few phrases but I don't know the pitches or anything Isn't it like Chinese is not the language It's Mandarin I don't know Mandarin and Cantonese Yeah

And then there's like And then there's different dialects Of both of those The class was called Chinese Well there's yeah There's like also like simplified Chinese Or whatever Right

Right right which i speak all of it i speak all of it i speak all of it i speak all of it but i just i just describe the different the way you can speak chinese you just describe what the different symbols look like yeah it's kind of like a tick-tac toe board if you were losing real bad and that means lunch i don't know yeah this one's kind of like a tree that is a weird yes it's a bird that's a bird that means bird uh circle means circle Yeah.

Chinese is easy. Chinese is so easy, man. Thank God the Egyptians invented be a Chinese. Yeah. Yeah, looking for the bathrooms just be like, man, all these doors say tree. I don't know where I'm supposed to go.

Yeah. That's Chinese for boy and girl on the bathrooms. Tree. Yeah. Bingo. You have an evil bag in your room. Yeah. That's moving around.

Evil bag spinning. Evil bag's in the room. I got to get. My board's fixed on the wall. I could have fixed that. You got to get treatment for your disease, man. Yeah. It's burning you up.

It's burning me up inside and out. Do you guys think we'll get COVID after this? Probably. Probably, right? Most likely. Well, you think we're going to, like, we'll get COVID. I think we'll get back. I think me and Kail will get back home, and then four or five days we'll have COVID.

That'd be pretty sick, right? And then I won't have it. Well, luckily, we stashed these episodes away, so we won't have to do anything. Exactly. That's true. We thought ahead. Yeah. Yeah, we got, we got, we got.

We got negative tests, which is good. Yeah. We still get it, though. Yeah, we could still get it. We definitely will. These cats are, these cats are patient zero. No, absolutely. Yeah.

No, they're not. Yeah, they are. They look like that. They are. Patient zero is me. Oh, really? You're the one who... It's my...

You came up with it? Why'd you do it? Boredom. I was just bored. I was just bored. I wanted to get history moving again. Yeah. I canceled a baseball game.

I just, I didn't, like, I just didn't want the election to happen. I wanted the post office to go away. I hate the post office. Oh, my God. That's why I go to Stamstack. Yeah, you know, I think the only person who wants the post office defunded the most is probably Mark Maren. Yeah. Don't you fucking hate the post office?

I hate sitting in line. You hate waiting in line at the fucking post office. It'd be really funny if Stamps.com has never paid him. Yeah. He just says that because he just says it because he didn't even real. It's a, he invented it. Nobody's ever used stamps.com, dude. No.

Yeah. No. Yeah, you walk to the post office. Yeah, dude, it's not that fuck. Why do people can play about the post office so hard? Yeah, it's really... Who's going to the fucking post office? Subway is worse than the post office.

Subway is way worse. We should get rid of Subway. Yeah, but we should go one last time. Yeah. Yeah. And try every sandwich. Uh-huh. Yeah. We'll get a foot-long parties of six-foot parties up.

And then we'll just go to Sandwich.com instead. Yeah. Are you tired of standing in line into Subway? Are you tired of making it? making that face They're gonna send you all the meat They're gonna send you all the meat in the mail And you can make the subs yourself

That's right You tired of them Go waiting in line at Subway Here it is It's called the grocery store Boomer lives Who? That was his cat

Remember he used to end all the episodes And boomer lives No I'd never listen to the ends of the episodes What? Once the interview was done I stopped listening Yeah That's adorable

You're so stupid and simple You're so fucking simple dude Do you turn off your Discord notification? Yeah, I'll turn off your shit. I'll turn it off if it makes you happy, Cameron. I'll shut you down. That's what you do for your husband. Mm-hmm.

Wait. Are you serious? I should no. And no. And please, he say no. He says, psych. Oh, damn. God damn, boys.

We had a good weekend, man. I took some of the worst shits of my entire life. Yeah, me too. I'm just like fucking, you know when you go to the beach and you're a kid and you make of those drip castles with the mud. Yep. I did that in your toilet 40 times. Yeah, baby.

Me too. And I never lit a candle. What was it? We had the Euro spot. Maybe the Red Arrow. Yeah, Euro spot. They gave me a burritos all French fries. Yeah.

What the hell? It's pretty good, though. That sucked. It was pretty good, but it destroyed my body. It was just too many French fries. There was like no chicken in it. No, the French, there was too many French fries in there. Yeah.

Yeah. Then they gave us a box of French fries. There's too many in there, too. French fries are good, though. Yeah, but there's too many of them. There's too many of them. You've got to give me, make it more expensive, less French fries. Yep.

Also, I need some cheese on them fries. Yeah, and I'm going to need a gold bar. I'm going to need some weird onions on that. I'm going to need you to put a gold bar into my bank account. Yeah, I'm going to need to get me money back. Here's how you just get rich quick scheme. Go to McDonald's. Yeah, can I have a hamburger double cheeseburger with $100 in the middle of it?

Yeah, instead of a slice of cheese on my filet fish. Can you put $200 bills? $200 bills. Would that be funny? The flay of fish, you can't do it with because there's a half slice. There was, like, that McDonald's hack, or if you go to, like, the ordering kiosk, you could, like, order, like, order, like, 10 hamburgers with no patty's only buns, and it would cost, like, negative 10 cents or something.

And then they, like, patched after, like, a day or two. But for a little... They patched McDonald's. The new McDonald's update. So funny. Can you imagine? Just, like, people, like, rushing up. Like, holy shit.

I'm going to get so rich. Do you guys know about the world of fast food hacks where you spend... You just, like, ruin a cashier's day, so you can save... 50 cents on a fucking, like a fucked-up Oh, I'm gonna get a Chipotle burrito with free meat. Yeah, I mean, all of them, they're like trying to make a Big Mac and so they'll

order like four sandwiches and they're like, yeah, put them together, uh, but like remove all this stuff and the like poor cashier is just like trying to keep up. Yeah. Yeah. Saved 18 cents on, yeah. Didn't even have to buy the Big Mac. Didn't even have to pay. Like you you, you know how much

a Big Mac cost? 60 bucks. That's a fucked up. Yeah, dude. Triple A Big Macs nowadays. Yeah. I think I might eat a Big Mac after this. Yeah? I would say every six months I get a, I have a strong consideration for like seven days. I'm like, man, I should get a Big Mac, man.

Now I'm thinking about it. I used to get a McDonald's once since this whole pandemic. Yeah, me too, actually. Yeah, I got my chicken. I used to be a McDonald's twice a week guy. Yeah. I was McDonald's once a week for a while in L.A. I just don't do it anymore.

I would have been twice a week, but I was just like drew that line in the sand. I was like, if I'm on McDonald's twice a week, I might as well just be dead. I got switched over to Arby's while we lived in L.A. I eat Arby's. I had Arby's a few times. It's pretty good. Dude, Arby's is my life. My dad's Jeep used to be full of Arby's rappers.

Yeah. You mean R&B singers? R&B rappers. R&B rappers. Yeah, Jason DeRuolo, Taye's on day. Yeah, these guys. Neos. Yeah.

He'd say, my dad would sing sexy love with Neo. My dad was in sexy love with Neo. Oh, the Matrix? Yep. He'd sit down to... It sounds hot. This is a sexy Neo. It's a sexy Neo.

Today, the list. Top ten rare things more likely to happen than winning the lottery from Dark Shadow. Read the intro, yeah. Everyone's heard of the lottery. Everyone hopes to someday be lucky enough

to have the winning ticket, but it's really rare. The Mega Millions is won in 302.6 million odds and the Powerball is one in 292.2 million. Either way, it's extremely rare. There are some strange or interesting things that are surprisingly more likely. Okay. Wow. Okay. Okay. Number one has become president of the U.S. one in 100 million. I feel like that. It's not true. Yeah, you can't. I don't know if you can put numbers on it like that.

That's not true. Because here's the thing if you, well, they kind of fuck it up because you only are counting towards the odds of winning the lottery if you buy a lottery tick. it right if you are born you are just become the president yeah no you don't enter into the competition to become the president is right being born yeah the odds of becoming the president are it's pretty high stop leaning back in that fucking chair you idiot if you're a kennedy pretty damn odds of no odds of becoming a president is always one and two because you're either you're the republican or the democrat one's gonna get there depends which one wins yeah yeah no but like like the bush fellas oh they just you just bought that crap yeah yeah like if you're a

Bush? You have a, what, one in 50? You have a one and two chance. They should let Jeb be president for a week. Yeah. Oh my God. President for a week. And King for a day. And my wife for the rest of his life. What was it? There was some, like, socialist. Yeah, it was actually me. Jules Jeb Bush, the socialist. Yeah, because Jeb Bush is in Putin's pocket. His asshole pocket. I'd love to jump into Putin's pocket. And that's the politics and it works. Jeff Bush is one of our greatest defenders from him. He was a asshole pocket. He was a guy with him. He was Terry Schiavo's defender. He was, dude.

He was. He took care of her, and she had a perfect life after that. Yep, yep. Keeping her on that tube. Keeping her in that tube. Let that bitch out of that tube. Let that, nobody can hear her. She's stuck in that tube.

Jeb Bush wanted. Terry Chivo got stuck in a Pringle's can. She got Augustus Gloops, dude. Terry Schaeve got, that was the whole thing. He was like, do we let her out? He did not want Terry Schiavo out of the Pringles. Chavo out. Look, I don't want to let her out.

Because my hand can't freaking fit in the can. My hands are too big to get into the tube to get her out of there. I can't get her out. Anybody ever notice how you can't reach into a Pringle's can with your hands? How did they make the tubes bigger? How did they put this bitch in there in the first place? What did they accidentally mix up? They get a bunch of potatoes at the, at the tennis ball factory?

And my wife is Mexican. What? How come all the chips look the same? What's going on? Yo soy, Jeb? Yo soy, Jeb. Yo soy, Jeb. Bush.

Esau ablas espanion. And yo so, Jetbush, uh, two heiress, tereshavo. Ola, signorita Pringle. Oh, la.

So, out of the Pringles tube. Get out of the Pringles tube, Cherishabo. We're going to get this bitch out of that Pringle's tube. We're going to get, no, we're going to keep her in because that's what God wills. God says,

if she, if a bitch can't talk, you put her in a Pringles tube. We're going to put the lid on the tube. I'm going to make her, I'm going to throw her in the ocean like a message hidden in a Pringle's tube. That's what Terry Schiavo is to me, and she's an American hero. Please clap for me. Please clap.

Please clap. Classic jab. Please crap. Please crap in a Pringles tube. Please crap in a Pringle tube. I'll tell you. Mail it to my office. One of the best.

I'll smell it. I'll send you a review. I will. One of the best. No other candidates going to give you that. No other candidates are going to smell your shit. Not even my, my demon brothers who used to make me do that for them. Look, I, my demon brothers made me do it,

and I kind of developed a little, I kind of like it now. I smell the shit. That's George Bush. I smell shit. I made him smell sick. I'm smelling shit. I think I told you guys this before, just one of the stew, best jokes I ever heard was like,

why do Pringle come in a tube? So you have something to shit in after you're done eating them? That's good. My friend told me that in middle school, and it's just a perfect joke. Yeah, no, it's good. It's out of nowhere. Man, I don't even wait. I eat one Pringle.

I'm shitting in there. That's... I, yeah. It fills in the cracks, dude. I need to stop eating coffee Pringles. You eat one Pringle, there's a rattle in the can. You know, it leaves empty space. You've got to fill it up.

What if you ate one Pringle, then... You got to squirt brown water in there to muffle the sound of the can that's rattling around. Pringle suit. So that the people in the TSA don't hear the Pringles can stuffed up your pant leg. Yeah, because that Pringles Tube It has Terry Shivo on it

She didn't pay for a ticket Man, fuck this, I don't want I don't want microwaveed airplane chicken I'm bringing my poop Pringles on the plane In my cargo pants pockets Man, that Terry Shivo story Was like the first news story I remember being like, oh my God

Yeah You're like, oh my God It was just about It made me think about like What it meant to be alive Yeah Yeah For like that I was like a six years old

Existential crisis Was Terry Sivov Is that are they based one by Metallica off of Yes now she's just bitch you got stuck in some chair I don't remember didn't she drown or something shit?

Yeah she drowned and then she was on life support for a long time and then it was like a decision like oh should we like we want like we want to pull the plug like I think it's her time to go and then Jeb Bush was like nope she'll

God doesn't allow that She's coming back around I think she's getting better I think she's getting better Hey guys hey! Hey! Very, guards. I need the life support on.

Hey, Jab, fuck me. Well, can we get the cameras off? Or leave them on. My brothers are going to want to see this. We'll send this to Moloch. Yeah, no, she was like... We'll send this to Frylock. From what I understand, Hillary Clinton is sacrificing babies to Freilock.

What the hell? They had a Freilock statue on Little Samp. They changed. They did. That's where the, that's where the, uh, the house is. Yeah. Carl lives in Little St. June. Yeah.

Keep going. Mm-hmm. Carl, who else is on that show? Meatwad. Well, broad. Yeah. And milkshake. Milk shake.

Milkshake. Milkshake. Okay. Keep going. And the little moon men. Moon men. Okay. Remember when Boston had that huge terrorism scare?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The moon of night. Yeah. The moon of night people. It was pretty funny, man. Pretty sick.

Boston is so stupid. It was just some, like, fat Irish cop. Just like, oh, whoa, hey, there's a little triangle guy. There's an alien bomb. The aliens are here. What the fuck? What the fuck? Let me add him.

Oh, my God. What colors the skin? Let me add him. I'm going to arrest this bomb. He's putting handcuffs on the bomb. I'm going to cuff this bomb. I'm going to cuff it up right now. I'm going to cuff the red wire out of the.

green wire. Just explodes in it. Number two. Yeah, he's trying to get rid of the moon and I think and he actually blows it up. He actually turns it to a bomb. There's no bomb in it. Yeah.

Yeah. Number two is get struck by lightning. One in 12,000. Oh, I don't like those. That's not. That can be true. The Boston police officer sees the bomb and he's like, we got to get this thing out of here and he gets on a plane. One in 12,000 of getting struck by lightning. I feel like that's more likely than the fucking president.

No, you can't tell me that... What would that be, like, 300 people a year getting struck by lightning? I'm sure. Google how many people are you? That sounds right. Google it. Getting struck by lightning would be awesome

because it would be like drinking an energy drink and it would have no adverse effects. That's a really good time. Much like an energy drink. What's the recommended daily doses of getting struck by lightning? 2,400,000... 240,000.

How many people get... struck, though. You just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just thought four zeros was two zeros. I couldn't see it. I could see it from here. I could see it from here. That's pretty fucking crazy every year. Yeah. That's a lot. That is a lot. Lightning strikes per year. Yeah. 2,000 people are killed worldwide by lightning. Yeah. Annually. That's insane. Well, most of them happen in, um, most of them happen in, in those, in, in countries where people will still wear armor. Yeah, it's true.

Most of them are trying to make, are trying to bring a monster to life. Mostly happens in Scotland. It mostly happens to those freaking Instagram influencers who wear the big hoop earrings. Basically 90% of the incidents are with Benjamin Franklin. Yeah. Yeah.

You tell me, you're telling me he got, his little key got struck? Yeah. You're telling me lightning struck another man's key? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I think I'm understanding this.

God's kind of gay. Okay. God is a little bit of suss right now. Yeah. Yeah. yeah i don't believe benjamin franklin got struck struck by lightning yeah you to die gave him sexual powers and sent him to france dude he actually what happened is it shot the lightning shot him so far that he landed he landed in france in a in a whorehouse filled with 14 year olds

and he's like this it zapped his airline back me to invent the one hundred dollar bill it's that his airline back six inches oh my pay these young women picture of my face Yeah He was genius It scrambled his eyeballs And he had to wear glasses With seven lenses

Yeah I would like to get struck by lighting I think I'm going to invent the Illuminati That's what he said I'm going to become free masons Guys they just had the craziest idea He got struck by He got struck by lightning

He's like I just had a vision What if there's a pyramid with an eyeball And yeah It just creates created a... You gotta stop smoking that lightning, Ben. You're always smoking that lightning. Yeah, that's how they used to get high.

It's from the sky! Lightning is from the earth. Number three, win an Olympic gold medal, one in six hundred and sixty-two dollars. Yeah, these are not chances. This is not something where you just... No, you have to work towards that. You just make stuff up, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Chance of stubbing your toe, one in trillion. Could be wrong. Probably one and two. One and two. Every... Because you have two feet.

One in ten. One in ten, because you have ten toes. Yep. Yeah. Wait, what's ten times two? It's twenty, so one and twenty. So it's twenty, one and twenty. I think that you bought yourself time to do the math by asking us.

What's ten? He was trying to dazzle us. He was trying to show that he could do it. He was magic trick. You guys want to see a magic trick? Two times ten is twenty. Yeah, you guys want to see a magic trick. Two plus two is four.

Fucking. Fucking, hold on. Can I start over? Let me hold that. I could have been... Don't look at my hands What I'm doing the trick One, two, skip a few, three, four.

Yeah, one, two, skip a few, four. What's the highest you guys have ever counted? I counted to 100 When I was in elementary school. I counted to a thousand. I counted to 100 Or I might have been yesterday. It was like 100 or 200, so it wasn't very high.

It was actually 200, 300, 300 for that. I definitely, there were days when I was like, today I'm going to count to one million. And I started counting, I counted 100. I was like, this, why am I doing? It's super exciting because you hit numbers you forgot existing. Yeah, and you'll be like, whoa, 680. And you can be like, shut the fuck up, mom. I'm counting.

And she'll be like, oh, he's learning. I'm counting. Please get out of my room. Hello. Hello. Pressing numbers out there, pressing up on a, on a keyboard. Yeah. Would you ever just press equals a bunch on the calculator?

Just to get, you see how high you can make it go? Yeah. Do like 80 times 80 and it just equals, equals, equals, equals. We should do that. That's like a, that was the first video game. That's true. Play-Doh came up with that one. Yeah, I remember doing that at my grandmother's house.

She had a calculator where the, like, all the buttons were, like, rhinestones were, like, fake plastic gems. I would press them all. Does that work on a, on the paper calculator? What's the paper calculator? The old ones that used to, like, didn't have an LCD screen? You're talking about an abacus? That's just Chinese checkers. You mean, like, a counting machine?

And, what's it called? A, uh, a, a addition. I know what you're talking about, like, the old ones. It's got the roll. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Rolodex? No, no, no. I know what you're talking about.

What's with, like, the receipt in it? Yeah. Yeah, what's, uh... Yeah, Rolodex is on a cash register as a receipts. All right, we need to get this guy off the podcast. I'm going to leave, unless you marry me right now. You have two seconds. No.

Two seconds to marry me. Number 40. Number 40. Being accepted into Harvard University, one and 20. That's just as likely to stubbing your toe. One and 20. It's not one in 20. One, no, it's one of 20.

I feel like all this is made up. You have to apply. It's not just like you're born. It's like, you have a one and 20 chance going to Harvard. Yeah. No. You have to be white. Yep.

Yeah. You have to be a white guy named Branson Bush. Branson Bunsen. Branson Burner. You got to be named Kyle to get in there. Reston. You got to be named Preston Kyle Hunter Winklevoss. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, you got to be a Zoh. The fourth? You guys ever heard of, if the Winklevoss twins, you called them the Winklevye? Dude. Did you ever hear of that joke that someone could make? That's what I, the Olsons, I called him the... Could you imagine somebody's taking... Nah, I called him too stupid wars.

That's right. They married the French president. Yeah, me. Because he thought that they were still young. Yeah, he should... I am seeing double. Yeah, man, he thought they were the young sins. Yeah.

Not the old son. They never actually had a wedding ceremony. He just saw them on full house. He never, he didn't realize that... I am marrying them. He didn't realize you could have twins that are older than 10. He thought... When you get a certain age, you stop being twins.

You become your own person, yeah. Yeah, man, just be yourself. Just be yourself. Stop doing shit. If I went to Harvard, I would have killed it, though. Yeah, man. I would definitely be very successful. You would have joined the Illuminati.

So many people, so many people went to Harvard in my year, my graduation year. It's funny, like, in my hometown, if a kid goes to Harvard, it's on the news. Yeah. And, like, in Boston, it's just, like, everybody knows somebody. Well, specifically, my school was super, like, academically. Like, like, we just... I actually went to the Smarty Pants... No, yeah, no, the school is...

The school is just like they just want to make the kids either kill themselves or go to a really good college. Like, that's the point of the high school, the public high school in my town. Because everyone... Cameron went to Brain Age Academy. Yeah, I went to Brain Age Academy. Cameron went to school on a Nintendo DS.

Brain Age Academy. I'm going to get some Brain Age Academy from you, pal. Hey, if you buy me... Major brain... He gets some underage brain from Patrick. What? He's 15, dude. It's 15.

Yeah. What? I'm 15. Number five, data supermodel. Data supermodel 1 in 8800,000. For me, it's you need to learn to read numbers, Patrick. For me, it's 880,000 out of 8800,000. I've dated 888,000 supermodels.

It's a 1 in 88,000 chance. Also, if you have an interesting choice of numbers at the beginning of that one, you have like $5,000 and like you, oh, and, like you started an app this goes way up yeah yeah yeah this 5,000 you can date any supermodel for a night if you know the right person yeah don't make the cat please don't throw us up with the cat number six hit a hole in one in golf that's probably 12,000 that none of these are chance I thought one I thought that's the first one though that like I also think it's higher than that yeah like hitting a hole one is insane yeah golf like maybe for a pro it's one and

12,000. But, like, normal people will play golf for 50 years, never get a hole in one. Yeah. Yeah. I could get one. I mean, I got one my first ever try, you know? Yeah, most of the time I'm not trying to get a hole in one, because I don't want people to, like, hate me for my skill.

Right. I just got to lock in. What I do is I do transcendental meditation. I have a hood. I have visualized a hole. I get a hood over my eyes. And then I get a boner. And then.

And then I use my beepie to hit the ball. Oh, I'm using my beepie to eat a ball. That's right. that's right yeah a hole in one dude have you ever gone golfing no no i mean i've gone minigolfing yeah i could have been

minigolving a bunch but that's not what you mean what's that new golf thing super golf what's it called fly golf what are you talking about i've been to a driving range top golf dude top golf honestly we would have a lot of fun of top golf yeah is that 40s like a bar it's a bar it's a video game basically where like the there's like lights all over the

it's a driving range but it's like multiple levels and so you hit the balls and try to hit them into like these different parts of the thing and it lights up and you get points and you try and beat your dad it's been and there's a lot of lot of drinks there was good food it's sick and you don't have to dress like a like a man golfer you can dress like a woman if you want yeah that's pretty progressive there was a there was a mini golf like some kid in like eighth or third grade had a mini golf party for his birthday it was my brother's friend and i went to it and i kept saying like home one every time I got a shot and I

annoyed this kid so bad that he threatened to beat me up in front of my dad. Damn. That's guts. Yeah, he deserves it. Yeah. Well, go ahead. I'm done with him. Yeah. I'm here watching. I can't believe we didn't get to go have lunch with your dad and mom today. Yeah. Sucks, dude. I know. What are we going to do, man? What am I going to do for lunch now?

You're not going to get it? I'm going to get you lunch. I'm going to go to Arby's after this for sure. Yeah. I don't know. There's the only one is in the mall. Yeah, I'm calling it a mall. You're going to mall anyway, man. I've, I've, I've got to return some stuff to Coles. Yeah? Yeah.

I bought to here 15 years ago. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I bought two pairs of Levi's. There's no Coles in the mall. There was 15 years ago. No, there wasn't. There was, I mean, I opened it myself.

There was no Coles in the mall, the mall isn't? I'm Caleb Coles is in Bedford. You're in bed. And it hooks it. And it hooks it. You're in bed with a Ford. You're in bed with Terry Ford. No, that's you.

No, you're, no, you're in bed with, Harry Ford. You guys wrote the, you guys published the protocols of the elders of Zion together. You're with his son. No. Why did you, why did you publish that pamphlet with Harry, Henry Ford? Why'd you do that? Yeah, what was the deal with that? You were just bored to you're like, protocols of the elders of Zion, let's go. Yeah. You fucked up monster. Yeah. I had the printing press. He had something to print. And he was your friend. And he was your best friend. He taught me square dancing in school. It's so funny that he like, what was it? Henry Ford made a bunch of people square dance because he didn't want jazz to take over. Oh, he's like the number one most racist guy in America. Yeah, yeah. He seriously is.

He thought Hitler had swag. Yeah. He was, I mean, he was like, Hitler's swaggy with it. Yeah. He thought, I mean, that, that was why he was, like, a big part of why it took us along to get involved in World War II. It was because he was just, like, publishing all this propaganda, like, the protocols of the elders design, which was like, yeah, the Jews are, they're all in. this big room, right? And they, like, get together and they talk about how bad we suck and how much how much cooler they are than us. They're talking about it behind their backs. They don't want me to make my big cars. They want, they want me to make a small car. They want me to make a tiny car. No thanks. Yeah, no chance. Car that uses little gas. Not a lot. No, fuck them, dude. Yeah, and then, and then he was like, and also Hitler has swag. Yeah, he has major swag. Hitler got MLG swag. Yeah, but then he found out Hitler had AIDS And he gave up on him

Holy crap Say something I'm giving up on you He sang that, he invented that song That song was based off of what he said After he found out of the Hillary had AIDS Hitler had AIDS Oh come on on Eve Stick cars by Gary Newman

Hitler has AIDS Bola perfect game 1 in 11 Here in my car I say Hitler has AIDS And then I drive to the store Then I drive back home in my car Hitler has AIDS

Hitler has AIDS It's true I'm glad that that's becoming funny again. Hitler having AIDS? Yeah. It's so funny to me. It's like the most 2008. It was like, Hitler has AIDS.

And I was like, yes. And then for 10 years, I was like, no. No. He didn't have AIDS. That's what? He was a racist. And now I'm like, Hitler definitely has AIDS. Oh, that's back.

Oh, Hitler had AIDS for sure. He's back. He still has AIDS. He's in Argentina because they cured AIDS. Yeah. Except for Hitler. 100,000 years old But there's no cure in that attitude

It is No, he's such a grump Hitler was one of the biggest grumpsters On planet dumpster Who's the original game grump? That's right Number seven, bowl a perfect game In bowling

11,500 What's a turkey in bowling? That's like a little bird That's when you use a turkey like a ball That's what they call That's your bowling nickname In the league It's called that a butterball

Yeah. They call you turkey. They go, hey, turkey. I think it's above 200, right? That's a turkey. It's probably because they give you a turkey. You get a free turkey leg at the Renfair. Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably true. Do they have bowling at the Renfair? Yeah. Yeah. They freaking bowl with crystal balls there, dude. Did you guys ever go to a Renfair? No, I never did. Yeah, I did once when I was little.

Of course you did. It's beautiful. My dad took me. I didn't choose to go. You went there. I thought it was cool. You chose to go because you were... There was a guy who juggled...

There's a guy who juggled knives standing on like a yoga ball. You were a little magician. And they had a big... They had a ligar there. The littlest magician. You were the little... A liar, yeah. Yeah.

I think we have a liar right here. That's not us. And it's you. And it's you. You're using your little magician magic. I don't have any magic. You're using Jedi magician tricks on me. Stop!

Cameron's a little magician. I'm not a little magician. You're the littlest magician. You just made me burp you devil. I can't believe the way that you guys treat me sometimes. I think you're a magician. I look at you and you start to make me feel funny. You must be doing some sort of hex.

That's not magic, dude. That's charm. That's charisma. He's a snake charmer. Yeah. Cameron sits there with his little flute and he makes my snake come out a wicker basket. Whoa. That's right.

Make your snake come out of its little whisker wicker basket. Number eight, be Delta Royal Flusher basket. poker. Yeah, one of the $650,000. There's a, uh, the, my,

one of my cousins says his husband is just the dumbest guy in the universe. He's just so stupid. So he's your cousin too. No. If he's your cousin's husband, then he's your cousin.

He's my, he's my second. He's my husband. Yeah. So my cousin, just an absolute dumbass. Just a, yeah.

And he, uh, the first time he ever played poker, he played with us and we were playing like, it was like a $50 dollar money game or some shit right he got two royal flushes in like five hands damn it's so annoying yeah it's just like don't you hate when someone who sucks gets lucky yeah yeah this just pisses you off dude then he walked outside he got struck by lightning seven

times in a row yeah and he came back in so high he created the elders of zion pamphlet oh oh oh oh oh he's a good guy though he's not number nine make it in the NBA one in 11,771. Man, I like those odds. Yeah, I could do that easy. 11,000, dude, I'm cooler. I could join the G-League.

What's the, what about? I could walk in there. I could shoot a ball from double half-court. Full court, then? Double two half-courts. Wow. No, it's like I'm standing on one court halfway, and I shoot it into the middle of the other court. Oh, so you even get the little buffer in between.

Yeah. It's extra. Wow, dude, that's crazy. Half-court punt. Whoa. I've done it. You have? Yep.

High school. I used to be really good at half court shots You got a food court pint Of ketchup I became one of those guys in college Who like that's why you got a food court pint of ketchup You guys like that one? That's true

In college I became one of those guys Who like would go play pickup basketball all the time And just like it was right when I got into basketball It was when Steph Curry became a guy In the NBA so I was like I'm just Steph Curry man I'll just shoot from half court I was leaning on

your wall and it clicked. Oh, okay. I thought one of those was about to fall on your head. That would be cool, probably. You remember the fucking the sketch troop basketball game? Oh, yeah, dude.

So I would just, like, go and, like, play pickup, like... Yeah, you guys, you guys took that shit so serious. Dude, I'm so good at basketball. Yeah. And then I would, I remember one time, just, like, bricking ten, like, horrible, long threes, like, just over

and over again. And then this, like, seven-foot black dude who was playing pickup with me was like, I'm never giving you the ball again. As long as I play with you, you're not getting this ball. Yeah, I'll go right. I guess I'll leave, man. The cat just stood up like a hydraulic car.

Yeah. Is that the only thing you know that stands? What else stands? A guy, dude. You see that cat I sent you that stood like a guy? Yeah. Might get that cat. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah, that was a good guy stance. I just remembered the fucking... The sketched basketball... Why did we have one of those? Um, I don't know. Jelani started it, right? People, people like basketball. It was fun. You just didn't like it. You suck.

No, I had a lot of fun. I just, I was just wondering why, like... Were you on the Muya team? I was on the Muya team, and the basketball team started practicing, and then I took their ball and shot at half court and dark. Oh, yeah. They had the other side of the court. They weren't supposed to have it. Uh-huh. And then I took their ball, and then they got really mad and left.

Good. Yeah. They started, they started Corona in Boston. That's true. It started from the school basketball court. The NBA being closed is directly caused by those people. Yeah, by the Emerson basketball team. That's true.

It's pretty funny. Very, very funny. Yeah. Yeah, some guy was there. He was trying to shoot a three-pointer with his mouth. Yeah. He was like, I bet I can blow this ball into the hoop. He's like, have you guys ever seen that clip of Manu Genobli?

And he's playing. He's a basketball player for the Spurs. He's talking about a little... A littler wizard than... No. Oh, no, he's a big... He's a big... Argentinian wizard, I believe.

Is he played for the wizards? No, he plays for the spurs. Oh, okay. Not anymore. There's a team called the freaking spurs, dude. They need to shut this shit down. At one point, there was... Disgusting.

I'm going to shoot my sperm's in the hoop. In the middle of a game, in the stadium, he catches a bat out of the air with his hand. What? Yeah. You got to watch that video, dude. It's fucking sick. That's sick as fuck.

Yeah. A bat. bat was flying around the stadium, he just goes, yeah, throws it away. Oh my God, dude. He caused, he caused, baloney. He caused the, he caused the, he caused the, he caused a bat in the trash can. Number 10, win an Oscar award.

They should just give me that damn Oscar. It goes, they give me that Oscar. It definitely goes, yeah, I'm in my grinch shit tonight. You give me that Oscar. I'll say this much, your Oscar, your chances of winning an Oscar go way up, shoot through the roof if you make a great movie. That's true. If you give a career-defining performance.

If you make the best movie ever, it's pretty high, actually. Yeah. Yeah, right? If you make, like, stick-bug the movie. If you make a Bugs Life 4? You make Stickbug the movie. Yeah. You're getting an Oscar.

I think you're going to get an asker. I'm going to make Parasite 2. Yeah. Parasite 2, the coronavirus. The Corona site. Whoa. Because the parasite right now is Corona. Dude, now I have to pee, dude.

you had affected me. Hold on. Now you guys get to your own special podcast like we got. All right. All right. Patrick's, I'm Caleb's going in the litter box. Caleb's using the, what the, what the fuck? Get out of the litter box. What are you doing?

Stop peeing in it. What the fuck? He's, oh my God. Oh, dude, he put his tongue on it. God damn it. He's, ah, now he's like squirt. He's like scratching it like a cat. He's scratching his own face with his foot.

Oh, my God. Oh, Caleb, stop, that's disgusting. What the hell? That's, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude. Now he's pooping it and stop. Now he's banging his head against the wall over and over.

Stop, Caleb. Stop. Stop. Fucking hell, dude. Oh, he fainted. He's on the ground. He fell into the litter box. We're going to have to scoop him out with the scoop later.

His bald head is touching the, I mean, Oh, his balls are out. You know, thank God he doesn't have hair right now. That's true. Yeah. If he did, we'd have to get peanut butter to get it out. I would pick him up by his hair. Mm-hmm.

I wouldn't touch it. What are you going to touch the poop in his hair? I would comb it out. I would comb the poop out with a lice comb. That's normal to do to somebody. I don't. If you're home, he just falls asleep in the litter box, it's normal to comb. With the lice comb?

With the lice comb? No, you get peanut butter and you wear rubber gloves and you get that shit out like it's bulldog. Yeah, you put, you wash your friend's hair with peanut butter and the dog will lick all the poop out of their head. Yeah, then, but, I mean, you put peanut butter in it. You can't tell where the poop begins, where the peanut butter starts. Where the poop begins where, that's, that's some true shit. That's some shit they don't tell you about in restaurants. No.

They don't know where the poop starts and the peanut butter starts. In your hair at a restaurant from the waiter. You're getting a peanut butter sandwich at a restaurant nine times out of ten. There's going to be some poop in there. Because they don't, they can't tell the difference. They got a jar. Skippy makes a poop also. Skippy poop chunky.

What the hell did I want? Oh, he woke up. I wasn't asleep. Yeah, he fainted. I was in the other bedroom. No, he fainted. You were not in the other bedroom. Yeah, I was.

You're the bathroom. That's what I call my bathroom, my other bedroom. Yeah, you sleep in the bathtub. My secret public bathroom. Yeah. My secret little place. Mike Ribergaly comes out on stage. My secret public bathroom.

This fucking upper deckers on stage, dude. What I should have done was poop in the bowl. What I should have said was flushing. Yeah. My God, I'm on fire. Winning an Oscar. Do you think you can get an Oscar? I could get an Oscar.

They should just give me that damn Oscar. Juicy J has one of the coolest speech of all time in a movie. I'd be like one of those characters that's in it for one minute who says something crazy. It's like that epic Charlie Kaufman speech where he goes up and he's like, thank you to the Academy, 30, 29. And he like cheekily says the countdown as they count them down. Yeah. You have to be weird all the time. Yeah, come on, man.

Just be normal for a minute, man. Yeah, just make like a cool Will Ferrell movie. I would Eternal Sponshine spot his mind. Eternal SpongeBob of the Spotless Mind. Eternal SpongeBob of the Squidward mind. There we go. Let's get that one. I would point at people and just say pedophile.

Yeah, pedophile, pedophile, cool, cool, pedophile. Cool, pedophile. Yeah. Yeah. If I, if they got, if they let me in the, in the, the theater for the Oscars, I would shine a laser pointer on everyone who won an award. I would shine in their eyes while they were trying to talk. I feel like one day will be at the Oscars, right? Yeah, we'll make it. We're on the path. They should just give me that damn Oscars. They should give me that damn Oscar. We will make a movie one. Yeah, we're making an epic movie too. Epic movie too, man. Epic movie too. Yeah, it's going to be good. Orat is going to be back. Napoleon Dynamite will, Napoleon Dynamo was a date movie movie. but we can have some crossover. Yeah.

I feel like, okay, the new movie movie, movie. What's the new movie movie movie? Date movie, epic movie. Gorm. Superhero movie. That's probably what's going to. Gary movie. No, but like a genre.

What about funny movie? Funny movie. And it's a parody of very serious. What if it's, what about movie movie movie and it's a parody of all the movie movies? Yeah. Whoa. That's actually not a bad idea. That's actually kind of the best idea.

We should write that and do it. Yeah, we should write that movie movie. You should write that. It was supposed to be a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we can have the nerd in the hood. It'd be one of them.

Nerd would be a movie movie. Yeah. Movie 43. That's kind of what that was, yeah. Do you like that movie? No. No. The thing is about that movie, like, the ball chin thing is funny for like 15 seconds,

and then you're like, it's like just gross. Yeah. Yeah. But then it's funny again when you just think about whose ball, whose face is. Meet the Spartans. Meet the Spartans. Feet the fartens? We could do a parody called Feet the Fartens.

Uh-huh. Right? Well, if we just take elements. It's about Pete the Fart. Feet the Fart. Feed my farting. Feet that are farting. Okay.

Feed my farting. Feed my fart hole. There we go. Cake Farts. Cake Farts, too. We can make cake farts too. We can make steak farts. Uh-huh.

And she fires. She got barbecue sauce on our asshole. Yep. Instead of chocolate cake frosting, I assume. Uh-huh. Yeah. And it's... Man, I got to go pee again.

dude really i've been drinking so much water to counteract the poison are we at the poison atmosphere we have to keep going he has to go pee yeah it'll be like 30 seconds man all right go pee fast run god run Cameron keeps peeing dude when was the first time how old were you when you saw cake farts uh i i saw it pretty late i saw it when i was 17 damn i think actually i was that was one of the only shock videos i didn't see it wasn't really it's more porn than shocking yeah it's definitely bad it's gross i didn't i it was the first time i ever saw what a butthole looked like when it farted you know um i saw i went to lol shock dot com when i was 11 wow that was a fucked up fucker that's a fucking fucker so i saw goate see when i was 11 i saw i went through all of them

to see if i could do it um i couldn't do like pain olympics pain olympics i could do you could do it Because it's, like, I don't... I've actually never seen it. Yeah. Doesn't he, like, cut his balls or some shit? He cuts his penis off. Ugh. Yeah.

Why would you do that? Bored. Yeah, I got some bored. You've got some bored. I fucking cut my dick on my penis. I saw... There was, like, one of them where, like, someone puts an octopus in their pussy. Cool.

That one was weird. It's a muck bag. There was one of them on there that was pretty funny. that it was just like it was called Two guys one hammer Yeah no that one that one that one I saw too early I saw that before all the other ones I never saw any of the like murder ones

Two guys one hammer I saw in fourth grade Oh Christ Jeez man What else am I you've seen my hometown What else am I gonna do watch TV Yeah what my neighbor showed it to me Well like yeah what do you What do you think everyone here

Nobody here has seen that in a video Everybody's walking around the happiest They ever been in their life Getting tattoos and wearing an American flag I didn't grow up in this town It's 20 minutes from here. It's the same thing. It's different.

It's the same thing. I will say, if I had seen that video when I was a kid, I would be a libertarian now. Yeah. Yeah. That turns you into a libertarian. That should be allowed to happen. Yeah, it turns you into a libertarian or a singer. I think...

A singer. No, I live like 30... I grew up 45 minutes. I don't care. That's not true. It's also not true. You did not... You better take that back.

Yeah, man. Also, it's an hour drive to Boston. No, I grew up probably like 30 minutes. 35 minutes away from here. It's not true. We just went to your place. It was like 30 minutes. It was like 35 minutes.

It was 35 minutes. It was. It was 20 minutes exactly. Oh, yeah. Patrick forgot. He adds the 15 minutes for the lunch break. Yeah. True.

You got to take. Every 10 minutes. You got to pull over. Yeah, but it's all woods there. What am I going to do there? Watch someone get murder. Watch out of shock.com. Why did, who showed you the two guys on here?

My friend's older brother. It's your 50-year-old neighbor. Come in my house. I got to show you something. I saw the craziest shit. They just kill some guy with a hammer? Yeah, they kill a guy with the hammer. Oh, come on.

It's my friend's older brother. I would never do that, man. He was only... He was my sister's age, so he's like... I would use the hammer to build him a house. Yep. Yeah. I'm a hero.

Watch it in reverse. It's actually about surgery. It's a man being brought to life with a hammer. There is one... The story of Jesus. There is one video on there. But I've been trying to say... There's one that's called Walk the Dinosaur.

You can just watch. on YouTube, it's a 3D, it's 3D-T-Rex's 69ing. That's pretty good. And that was on the shock site. So it's like under Goatsey, it's like Walk the Dinosaur, and it's like Goatzee's, far worse. One Man One Jar. Do you see Bottled Guy? Do you remember Bottled Guy?

Yeah, no. It's a guy and he has a whole 40, a 40-ounce bottle in his asshole. Is it one-man-one-in-one jar where he puts a jar in his ass and breaks it? Oh, God. Oh, my butt. Probably sounded like that. Yeah. Ah, crap, I put glass in my ass.

Oh, man, my butt is broken on the glass. But it will become stronger for this. Epic failed. That's what he said. There were other ones on there. I mean, two girls won't cup. Merry holidays. Two girls one cup.

Mary holidays is just, it was just an old man who would make a weird sex video of himself for every holiday. That's cool. There's one where he's sweet, yeah. He puts like a big, a big face. penis on a jack-o-lantern and he sucks it wow and he says thank you and he sucks it and says thank you mr.

pumpkin that's incredible that's really sick yeah and then he dresses up like Santa and spanks himself and puts a banana in his ass on his birthday I would do that why a banana for Christmas I don't know but I saw these way too young yeah and then you started you

you were like mom when do I get to suck off the pumpkin how come we don't do this on Halloween. Yeah. I didn't watch shock. Mom, can you leave a banana out for Santa? No, that was his birthday.

You said dressed as Santa. No, he says on his, well, he's dressed as Santa. Yeah, so it's Santa putting a banana in his It doesn't fucking matter if it's Christmas. It was Santa putting a banana in his ass. No, his birthday, he wears his birthday suit. Then what was the Santa thing? You said he dressed up his Santa.

That's for Christmas. You said he dressed up his Santa on his birthday. And he, on Easter, he dresses up like a turkey. and then says gobble, gobble, and it's a video of him walking around his house going, gobble, gobble, gobble, and you're not making any goddamn sense, and it's breaking my heart, buddy. That's not what people do on Thanksgiving. I don't even want to look at you anymore. You're disgusting to me.

You've gone from the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life and my future husband to just shit. Just pure pissing shit in a crap bowl. Yeah. Okay. Mom, a video on the internet teach me how to die eggs brown. We got brown eggs this year For Easter Thank you

Thank you I got brown eggs for Easter Thank you Yeah I'm gonna lay a brown egg after this I'm gonna give you cancer She won't give me cancer I'm gonna come to your house

And I'm gonna give it to you You look like if Dr. Manhattan looked up crime statistics You look like if What's a bald guy You look like if Lex You look like if Lex Luther Looked up crime statistics

There we go Any more takers You look like if Humpty Dumpty. You looked like if Humpty Dumpty was Tweedle-Deedle. Nice. That Cayu one was perfect, and then... It's been...

It's been... You know... And you guys realize that beyond that, can't be roasted. Too handsome. Too good looking, too smart. Your mouth looks like... Your mouth looks like a little piece of shit.

It's beautiful. What is he eating? He's eating my pussy. No, seriously, what's he eating? He's eating my pussy. I don't know. It's not my cat, not my job. chewing a blanket, dude. Relax, you

fucking dad. No, he's got a sensitive stomach. So do, so do so do you. All right, that's why I want to take care of you. Last one, number 11, to close this episode out. Number 11, having autism, 1 in 42. Well, there's 42 people in this room

and I don't have autism so I think it's you too. What? It's 1 in 42. Got you, bitch. Yeah. You have autism. You do. No, I don't. All right.

Bye, guys. That's it. Subscribe to the Patreon. Yeah, subscribe to Patreon. Check us out on Twitch. Check out, um, Caleb's new stand-up special. I don't have a stand-up special.

It's called triggered. It's called Triggered. It's called Trigger Me This Batman. Trigger me this Batman. And he dress up like the riddle. It's called Fingered. Dress up like the riddle. I don't look like a riddle.

He dress up like the riddle. Wrong. All right. I quit the podcast. Bye, guys. Bye.