Podcast About List - Ep. 120 - I look like candy tonight

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

I am sweet like candy www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All right. You're a crap monster. All right, I'm recording. Oh, I got poop all over my glasses. Me too. No, not that part. Me too, I'm recording.

I do not have any poop anywhere on my body. I actually don't, but Caleb does. No. You said it first, Patrick. You can't back out of it. You guys both do. And we started recording, Patrick immediately gone. Yeah.

Just left. Yeah, and when he comes back, he's going to go, well, I had to wipe off my glasses, and it makes a lot of sense that he has to leave his chair to do that. Whoa. You didn't have to do that, first of all. You're setting a horrible tone for this episode. Yeah, that was just, like, not right to say.

Oh, okay. We're one second in. That was really far up. Fuck his mom. No one has ever. Who's five years old, by the way. Yeah. So what the fuck is wrong with you?

No, she isn't. Yes, she is. Okay. Tell them. You're saying that to get a rise out of camera. No. We're going to rise out of you when you're thinking about a five-year-old mom. Fucking bitch.

See, this is what happens when you leave the camera and you make us think that we're alone. We laugh out. You have separation anxiety. Like a dog, when you leave the camera, we start tearing up all the pillows in our rooms. And shitting on the floor. I had a dream last night. Dogs are so stupid. They think that they're ripping up a pillow is going to bring their parent back.

Not going to happen. Not going to happen, dog. You're going to die alone. It'll just make your mom mad at you. Yeah. Stupid dog. Talks are so stupid. Last night.

Last night I had a dream that I died and I became a ghost. And instead of like haunting somebody, I just went to like the news. And I was like, ghost are real. And I'm a ghost if you guys want to interview me. And then everybody just found out that ghosts were real. And I was like, yeah, that's pretty good proof that ghosts don't exist. Is that no ghost has ever gone. To the news, yeah.

I've been like, this is the biggest story ever, dude. Do you guys want to interview me? Yeah. Do you, yeah. Or, yeah. Can I be in a TV show? Can I be, can I have my own TV show? Can I get a sitcom?

Can I have a show with Casper? Can we bring Casper into the set? Yeah, you bring Casper into the studio and see what he's up to lately? Yeah, Casper is Italian locals. These 10 pictures of Casper will blow your mind. He is so hot now. Casper's load up. No.

And he's not just glowing because of the ectoplasm. He can turn into anything, though. He could be, he turns into, like, a hammer. Does Casper? Does Casper turn into stuff? No, you're thinking of Ditto from Pokemon. Yeah. I'm thinking of the Green Lantern's finger.

Yeah. I'm thinking of the Green Lantern's finger. That's my bad. Yeah. Yeah. No, he can't turn in anything but a ghost. You're thinking of Plato. You're right.

I'm thinking of Legos. I didn't say Legos. You're thinking of toys. I'm just thinking of... I'm thinking of imagination. I'm thinking... I'm sorry, I'm thinking of my imagination. Sorry.

Yeah, sorry, but I was amazing about imagination. Yeah, my bad. Oh, Seinfeld, right? That's that show where the knight fights the robot, and he's riding on a dragon, and there's explosions and unicorns and rainbows. Oh, sorry. I was my imagination.

I was thinking about my imagination. Sorry, I'm thinking of the coolest thing. I was thinking of an awesome... I was thinking of an awesome movie I invented. my bad Hey man That one's on me My bad

Maybe I'm gonna be fat again Yeah Caleb Clump Caleb Clump yeah Let's do Yeah let's get Caleb Clump in here Let's try it out let's try it out The Redskere subreddit is gonna love this

Why Did you see that that post about us on there? No That's embarrassing that you That you want on that subreddit You know somebody in the Discord posted it Somebody in the Discord posted it And I read it.

I clicked on it, bro. I clicked on it because I wanted to see what people think. Did you guys see what Red Scare said on their subreddit? Shut up, dude. It wasn't that. It was a fan. Did you guys see what fans of Red Scare said on their subreddit? It was somebody who said that they liked us, but they hate the podcast.

That's just like fat gay guys who think they're skinny. He's posting on the redscare. Yeah, why do you think I was reading that? It's like Patrick and Patrick's clicked on. True. Yeah. Patrick saw that. Lincoln, he went, spill the tea, honey, and he clicked on it.

Spill the tea, sis. If you're over 260 pounds, don't even call me. Meanwhile, they're 220. No, they're exactly 260. They're exactly 260, and they're like, anybody who's bigger than me is humongously fat. Like me right now with this pillow in my shirt. Why do I do this more?

I haven't done this since I was 17. Why don't I do this? You were doing that at 17. Yeah, dude, you put the pillow in your shirt, you put the pillow in your shirt, and you tell the teacher, like, oh, no, I have a stomach in it right now. Oh, God. I ate too much food at once. I ate it something nasty. I have to go home now.

No, I'm fast. You're talking in that voice. You weren't talking like that before. It's Taco Tuesday. I ate it Taco Tuesday. I think it was about me. You just get in trouble. You just get in trouble for racism.

You don't even get to go home. Yeah. Oh, no. I turn racist. Oh, no. The food in the cafeteria and I turn racist. Oh, God. I need to be educated.

One of the best feelings ever was when I broke my foot on the soccer field as a kid. Seems like a pretty bad feeling to me. Yeah, that's not a good feeling. Trust me, that was one of the worst feelings. The best feeling ever was my teacher didn't believe me. me and she was like just walk it off and then the next day i came with a full cast on my leg yeah and just like yeah she was oh no my foot oh no i heard that taco oh my god i eat taco and my foot hurt oh you want me chew you want me walk it all yeah that was one of the best

your teacher just starts saying that she she like tries to take your cast off she's saying you're doing it for attention. Yeah, that is kind of how she was, you know? Really? She was a little bit skeptical, even after I came with the cast. That's the funniest type of teacher is the one that just hates a fucking student. This is a tough teacher. Yeah.

Yeah, who's done it for like three years and it's like, yeah, I'm a, I'm a veteran. Yeah. The best kind of teacher was like the 27-year-old teacher. Teachers and nurses are such a bullshit job where they pretend that they served in the military. Seriously, dude Yeah I'm sorry that you have to like Buy your own supplies

Yeah They have to do that in the military too Yeah exactly in the military Yeah, they have to go to the Why do you think army surplus stores exist? Exactly Because there's a surplus Of all their shit

You know, all right All right here's the Okay Here is the solution Ready This is going to change the world Yeah change it So

What if we convince whoever the whoever is in charge of the military William Barr if that's him if that's what he does

we convince him that ISIS hates school supplies wow so then the army surplus stores get filled with like

taekondoroga pencils and shit and then teachers can go to the army surplus stores and then just get those so we have a surplus of smartest people in the United States. That is pretty smart, yeah. Yeah, but they would still have to buy them.

Yeah, no, they still have to buy their own stuff. But, so nothing changes. But we have a surplus of it. But they can also get a cool camo jacket for playing paintball while they're getting pencils. If the Army found out, hey, they could get Nazi war memorabilia. If the Army found out that ISIS hated school supplies, then they would start selling guns to school supplies. and then school supplies would become a new terrorist group. Just a little bit of political humor for the episode.

Wow. Wow. That's huge. Yeah. Now we can go back and talk about the other part of it. But I just want to make sure we got a little bit of knowledge in there, too. Now let's do Bolivia. Okay.

Bolivia. Where is that? Come on. Bolivia. What is that? A girl named Bolivia? What do you want me to be Olivia? Well, yeah.

What is that supposed to mean? There's a town in North Carolina called Bolivia. There was a cup. Bolivia? There's a cup in... There was a cup at the government cup. Madagatita? No.

No? Is that in the cup? The CIA put a cup of... A water? In Bolivia? Is that what happened? That's not what... So this is what...

Yeah, so we're supposed to believe that the CIA could carry a cup that far? Yeah. Yeah, right. You'd spill all the water. Yeah. They couldn't even carry... Hey, man. They couldn't even carry JFK's brains all the way down a street.

Yeah, they tried to put those in a cup. That was in a cup, as skull is a kind of cup. Skull is a cup. Someone was doing, because JFK was very promiscuous, they were actually just collecting DNA for a paternity test. Yeah, that was the... That's why he blew his head open. He has a straighted DNA all over the car.

To see, they took a part of the brain from the kid, and then a part of the brain from JFK. That's the origin of QAnon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and it turns out that child, Chester Bennington. Chester Bennington was leading clues in all of the Yeah, the fucking Lincoln Park songs.

Look at the names of the albums. Hybrid theory, a hybrid of JFK and the mother. That's what Chester Bennington is. Meteora, a bullet hitting JFK's head is kind of like a meteorora. Meteor hitting the Earth. hitting the earth what are the other albums minutes to midnight

I don't even have to I don't even have to think of anything for that one everybody knows yep yeah it's a really good point in the end the end of his life the end of the world in the end he

how did he kill himself was he a gun oh yeah and that that song they had called Donald Trump is the warrior of light you guys remember that I do remember that one That was the Lincoln Park song that came out Like before the election

And a lot of people didn't like it That was actually in the third Transformers movie People are mad at 50 cent Because I guess he said that Trump has swag Yeah I said it yesterday But I need praying to I need praying to disavow his best friend

Who's that? Yeah Yeah Who's that? Sex man? You don't remember Sex Man? Nope. Tell me about...

These glasses make your eyes look completely crossed. Yeah? Yeah. Dude, you look like you're wearing goggles. Yeah. It's pretty funny. It looks like you're staring at your nose. I'm not. Maybe he just is. I'm not.

Maybe it's not the glasses. You see something interesting on your nose? Are you trying to cross your eyes now? Because that was the only time it didn't look like it. Oh, man, you suck at that. Yeah, I think these glasses are still too... Look, like, look at the sides of my head. I think they're still too small.

Yeah. I got... These are, like, the biggest glasses I can find. They do look like they're squeezing your head. I know. Dude, I just have... What? Those are going to give you a headache.

You should not wear those glasses. Because you don't need those. I can see dents on both sides. of your head. Yeah, it's squeezing your head. I'm going to take them off. There we go. That's better.

Now I can't read the list, but that's fine. I think you can. I can still read it. I think, yeah, you can figure it out. I've never seen you wear glasses once. What are you talking about? Okay, I used to wear glasses on the time. I wore glasses.

I wore glasses when we went to packs. That was cosplay. Yeah, I thought you were cosplaying as a nerd. You were cosplaying as Gordon Freeman. No. No? Oh, yeah, you were. Oh, my God, I'm hungry.

Oh, oh, my God, I don't like, oh. I have a rumbly tummy. My stomach, my stummy rumbly. I had a bunch of pancakes for breakfast. I had breakfast today. I had, wow. I had some cereal for breakfast. No, it's normal.

It was fucked up for me. Why'd you eat breakfast? You never eat breakfast. I had an egg sandwich. Every time I see you eat breakfast, you're like hung over and you're only there because me and cam are bringing you there and you're like sniffing the eggs that you got and putting a back. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that was Red Arrow. It is a big... No, I mean, it's not just Red Arrow. You do... Every time we take you to breakfast. Patrick, every time he goes to a restaurant, he always orders something that he's heard of but has never eaten before, which I respect,

but then he almost never likes it. It'll go to like a restaurant and be like, I'll have the linguica and then he'll get it. I will never eat something called linguica. It tastes terrible. No. What do you mean? I've never done that.

I don't think I've ever seen that happen. You do that. You're thinking to someone else. No, I'm thinking of you. I don't know that I've ever heard Patrick say I don't like this when he's eating food. I do, I do sit there and I kind of like look at the menu for like 20 minutes. You do take a long time to order. That is true.

Why is that? Are you just such a thoughtful guy? I know it's not that. It's because you're looking for smiley-face french rice. The waiter comes and you finished reading the second line of the menu. Yeah, I do read everything on the menu. You're a slow reader. Yeah, I am, too.

I'm a slow eater, too. And you're a slow cheater. That's right. Yeah, and you're a slow speeder. You got a slow peener down there. Come on. My penis is fast. My penis is so fast.

Prove it. Prove it. Bring your penis to that rocking back. You want to see my penis? You want to see it again? There we go. There we go. That's all Jeffrey Toobin needed to do.

That's all Jeffrey Toobin needed to do. Who's Jeffrey Toobin? He's the guy, the New Yorker guy that showed his thingy on Zoom. I didn't hear about that. That's all anybody's talking about on Twitter. Everyone's talking about the tubes. I've been kind of off Twitter. Yeah, I don't know who the guy.

All I know about him is that he showed his penis in a Zoom call. Yeah. Quote unquote by accident. Do you guys want me to show my penis now? Not really. No. Do you remember when you guys were at my house And I twisted my wiener

To the bottom and put my balls on top Did you go get that camera developed? Not yet, no So I took my balls in my wiener And I basically reversed them Like what you do with like a Mr. Potato Head To be funny And I put my penis on the bottom

And my balls on the top It was a really like striking image Like kind of burned itself into It did look like the potatoes. Yeah, it was like just like a little It was like you just had a lump They looked like a potato. Yeah, it looked like something was seriously medically wrong.

Yeah, but it's not. It looks like you had an egg sack down there. Yeah. What if I had given birth to a tiny me? You could. Out of that. You could give birth to a mini-eatge. What if your balls could hatch like eggs?

What would a mini-mee of Caleb be like? Probably like Caleb, but smaller. Yeah. Yeah, it would be the same size. Okay. Yeah. All right. You can't get any smaller than me.

I'm already so little. they should when they need when they need like a child actor they should just cast warwick davis just a separate thought just thinking that's true okay just like if they need like you know like if it's like a coming of age movie and they want a kid who can really sell the lines and really doesn't have trouble reading or memorizing stuff should just get warwick davis and they should still have them in the in the harry potter gringott's outfit yeah that is how children look to me yeah yeah yeah did he was he was he the Gringott's guy or was he

he was the music teacher was he he might have been both to be honest yeah yeah I mean yeah I know he was the music teacher but I'm pretty sure he was also a British movie and they needed a little person yeah they only it's him or Peter Dinklage and Peter Dinklage is too sexy yeah he is hot oh he is so hot

I bet a lot of women would fuck him yeah no absolutely but I can't think of a single girl midget I would fuck that's not nice I mean I It's just the truth. You've got to get to know them.

Do you have... What? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You're saying anybody that you have sex with, you have to get to know them? Yeah. Yeah? Patrick is a demisexual.

All right. Okay, Patrick. That's very nice of you. That's very sweet. So you're saying that if I found you the right... The right little person... Probably. I don't know.

So you're saying... Okay. I don't care. I ain't got no type. So you don't care. You don't care about them. I ain't got no type. So you don't care about little people.

Bad bitches is the only thing that I like. There we go. That's what I like to you. There we go. All right. Our list today's top. Is this the right one? I don't even want to do the list.

Why not? Let's just hang out. That's what, no. We can't, no. No one likes the lists. Let's hang out. Yeah. You know what I wanted to show you, Patrick?

I wanted to show you this for a while. There's this thing, it's the top 10 everyday things that could be eliminated by 2030. Oh, really? Just have like a hanging out conversation about it? Yeah, we just hang out and talk about it, I thought. Wow. I don't know if I want to do that. Me and Caleb actually wrote all of it.

We just came up with it. Oh, really? Actually, we didn't write it. We're just going to come up with it on the spot like you do it. Oh, okay. Now that I think about it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, to me, it feels like this list would be written by some, if there was an actual list, I bet someone named Dark underscore Shadow would have made it. Well, that's Caleb's username on most sites. That's true. Fear me. And he does have the same Lakers profile picture.

I like the Lakers, whatever. Let's look at this guy's L.A. It's been a while since I've looked at somebody's profile on this website. If you know the first thing about Caleb is that he's always like, I love L.A., I love the beach, and I love the wind blowing me. Favorite movie, Avengers End Game Favorite TV show, Big Bang Theory Favorite rapper Eminem

Favorite sport, baseball Favorite food, ice cream Favorite video game, Mario Cartwee Favorite YouTuber, Nathaniel Bandy Who's Nathaniel Bandy? I'm neither liberal or conservative I'm more neutral, if anything. Wow. Wow. Okay, we have

a cool kind of centrist writing this list. I like it. I love a cool centrist. So this is the top 10 everyday things that could be eliminated by 2030. which is only what 10 years 10 20 years there's really hard to tell number one cable TV do you guys think cable TV could be eliminated by 2030 I think it's going to be all it's going to be all podcasts

yeah it's all it's going to be and this is going to be we are going to be Fox News yeah this is going to be sort of the the Fox News of the podcasting world yeah we're going to be huge with older older my mom Mm-hmm. Yeah. Older than your mom or older versions of your mom? The 10-year-old version of my mom. Okay.

And then the 10-year-old version of Cameron's mom, which will be 10 by then. Mm-hmm. Yeah, she ages at a very slow rate. She ages at about half the rate. She's born on a leap year, so. She's born on the 4th of July. That would be 1-4. And she has no legs.

That's when I was born on. So it's not possible. You have no legs. I have legs. Prove it. Walk to me right now. Walk to New York City in this moment. Those are prosthetics.

I've been fooled by that hot girl online with fake legs. Those are prosthetic legs. If I had prosthetic legs, I think I would run around. You wouldn't. You wouldn't even dare. Well, do you... Because then your legs wouldn't... They've gotten kind of good, the prosthetic legs.

I've honestly thought about losing my legs. If I got robot legs, I feel like I could walk to New York. That is so true. You know, if I got an airplane, I feel like I could land anywhere in the world. Yeah. But no, because if they're robot, if I got in a boat, if I got in a boat, I couldn't go across the ocean. No, no, like, I don't lose my legs, but I get, like, a pair of, like, robot add-ons to my legs. Like a, like, a cybernetic implant.

Yeah, if I got cybernetic implants in my leg, I would walk anywhere. Interesting. You would walk anywhere. Uh-huh. Can we fact-check that? Can we get a fact-check on this one? Yeah, I could fall asleep while I was walking, turn it on autopilot, walked to New York, and, like, do it was falling a hole. How long, how long do you think

A walk? That walk could be. I mean, it's like a hundred and something miles. No. Probably take days. It would take 77 hours. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not days.

What are you talking about days? That's, that is days. That would take days. If you ran in a marathon pace, you could do it in a couple days. That's like three days. All right, but you're also not considering I would have cybernetic legs.

We are considering that. No. No cybernetic legs could move you fast enough. Then that's just a car. No, it's legs. It's legs. But as far as... So it would take three hours then.

That's fine. Yeah. Okay. I have cybernetic legs that go from New York to Boston in one second. How long would that take? I don't know. It's the worst conversation I've ever had with you. No.

It absolutely is. We've definitely had worse conversation. We have not had a... It's really painful. Just shut up. Jesus Christ. Let's look at the comments on cable TV. I can teleport instantly with my legs from New York to Boston.

I'm done with the legs thing. There is no, these legs don't exist. You're making up legs, and then you're, like a cyborg leg. You're supposed to, you can't, you have to imagine something before it exists or else you can't invent it. What if you have one fast robot leg and one, The slowest human leg of all time. Do you take the average. What's the average?

One minute. One minute per leg. Hour. Okay. One minute per leg. How long does it take to go from Boston and New York City? Well, two legs. Probably 77 legs.

Well, then you've got to do one time 60. There's 60 minutes in an hour. I think I'll do that one for me, Patrick, real quick. One times 60 is one. Yeah. That is 60. It's 160, because you're adding. 160, yeah.

Yeah, 160. So it would be 160 minutes to get to New York. Okay, that's not bad. You could watch 100 episodes of 60 minutes in that time. Which are also installed on your robot leg. Yeah. You have, it has a screen that pops up. Yeah.

As a screen on the inside. I've thought about having for a while a screen on the inside of my thigh so that when I was like when I was like jacking off I could use two hands Pull and what do you What the hell

dude Wait you don't You don't You don't You don't have a mount That you use your phone A mount

Yeah In my bathroom? Yeah Why would I have a mount What kind of? Why don't you don't put your phone on a tripod When you jack off is what I'm asking Not

No There's not room. Okay, you weird. I think you weird. You bring a tripod? Hey, mom, dad, I'm just going to... I'm about to go jack off. I need to borrow the Man Frodo.

I need to borrow the Man Frodo. I need to borrow the little Man Frodo to jack me off. No, dude. I fucking... I just hold my... You hold your phone in your feet. And then you use both hands behind your head to push your head down onto your dick. I basically put my phone between my...

eyebrow and my nose like this. Like VR goggles. Squeeze really hard. Yeah, I put it in my Google cardboard. Yeah. And I just jack off that way. Yeah, and I get really scared. Yeah, and I play a horror game.

Well, even then, even then, you have to hold the Google cardboard up to your head. No? Not if you have two rubber bands. Oh, I didn't think about that. Mm-hmm. That's right. Yeah.

And so how long would that take you? That takes me about an hour and a half. Okay. But what if it was a robot? If it was robotic, I would be two minutes per leg. Okay. Yeah. So slower than going to New York.

Way slower. Jacking off takes less time. It's either slower or faster. That's right. You don't even know what it is. But it's not the same. No, it's not the same. That's all we know.

So that's the deal with cable TV. Yeah, so that's what's up. That's what's going to happen at cable TV in 2020. The number two thing is that we're... is gone, eliminated, I'm sorry, eliminated by 2030. Newspapers. Sorry, buddy. No, we need newspapers because what else are you going to put fish or chips on in England?

Where the fuck am I going to read the funnies now? Yeah, where am I going to read Garfield? They can keep newspapers in England because they're like 20 years behind anyway. That's true. All of them still live in castles with ghouls. They do live in huts. Where am I going to read non-sequitur? and then hagar the horrible

did you just google list of of comic newspaper comics and ziggie I gotta get my beetle bailey where am I gonna what read you can't get rid of the archive where am I gonna read working days what am I gonna what's that

what's the fucking I'm gonna read the is it Argyle the conservative duck man how am I gonna read Zitz yeah where am I gonna read Zits yeah what am I gonna read Zits yeah and the and

And the one with the family. Yeah. Where am I going to read that one with the family? I don't remember what the duck once called. Yeah, there's like a, he's like a duck, but he's also like extremely conservative. Where am I going to read? Mallard Fillmore. Yeah, yeah.

Where am I going to read, where am I going to read Opus? Oh, yeah, Opus. Opus looked weird. I had an op. Why was his name Opus? Because that was his name. who's a penguin. Opus the penguin, yeah, right.

I had some opus, opus books. Yeah? Yeah. There's so many comic strips like that that are, like, there's so many comic strips like that that aren't like, I don't know what the word, like iconic, I guess. Yeah, they just are there.

Yeah, it's just like Garfield and Calvin and Hobbs. Yeah, and then the rest of them are just like. Yeah, it's just like. And the far side. Yeah, far side, of course. Those are the four. There's a lot of ones that are. just like made by and they all look exactly the same right yeah and they all have like a like

a just a joke that makes no sense at the oh dude if you write any of the heathcliffs yeah i love i love heathcliffs so much dude they sucks so insane it makes literally no sense at all yeah yeah it's probably the best newspaper comic yeah it'll be like uh it'll be like a um like one about like things in the fridge being a lot yeah yeah and it'll be like the mustard the mustard is fall he's fallen over and then the egg will be like wow you really mustard that one up yeah it'll be like it'll be like my nana will call me my nana will call me at 2 a.m she'll be like I just woke up and read the funny papers you have to see this mustard comic it'll be like a single panel comic of like two pieces of poop

walking around and one of them says wow you're a real piece of human and then the caption says poop insults. All right, so here... It'd be a pretty good force I'd come in, honestly. This is today's Heathcliff. This is the Heathcliff for today from... Yeah, Patrick's New Segment.

Today's Heathcliff. Today's Heathcliff. It's Heathcliff standing next to a robot. There's two birds in a tree. And Heathcliff is talking to the robot. So there's a robot walking down the street. So there's two robots.

Impossible. And the robot walking down the street has the word bro on his chest very cool and the caption is he's not a fan of bro bots

oh my god he's on fire I was actually I was literally looking at Heathcliff like yesterday and I and one of them yesterday's Heathcliff one of them that really okay well I was just looking at old Heathcliff

I wasn't looking at that comic but there's one that it was really getting me that was like a picture of Like, they were, like, having a family dinner, and then Heathcliff is walking by with a helmet that says dirt. And then the caption is, I don't like the look of that helmet. That's good. This, this, yesterday's Heathcliff is Smokey the Bear and Heathcliff. And Heathcliff's wearing jeans and nothing else.

Disrespectful. And the caption is just, I'm going with the shirtless jeans look too. Cool? Yeah. Very cool. The number three thing that will be eliminated by 2030 is magazines. Yep. No.

No, dude, come on. Online magazines. You can't get rid of magazines? You think I'm going to fucking... No, think about this is 20-30. They're not going to have games anymore. Yeah. It's true.

It's all going to be in your head in a chip. Yeah. You're going to have to eat chips in the future. And that will be the only game. Yeah, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I mean, all of this stuff will still be around. I mean, Jacobin? No, no. Is it Jacobin or Jacko bin?

It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's, yow bin. Yaubin? Yau Ming magazine. Yeah, I think Yao Ming magazine will still be around. Yeah. You know. Why do they have so many of those, like, like, like the time life? And then it's just like, like, Prince magazine.

And it comes out in 2020. What are you talking about? Like, like, it'll just be like, oh, this is the Beatles, the Beatles magazine. Yeah, no, they have a lot of those. And they have those, like, right next to every, like, grocery store. Ron Perlman Weekly. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they have, it's always a famous historical figure that's dead, and they make those, like, every month. Yeah, and then there's one section with, like, six different gun magazines that all have the same headline that say, like, the best machine guns to perforate your neighbor if he tries to touch your lawnmower. Yeah.

It's always got a picture of like a gun holding a gun. It's in a plastic bag because inside it has a coupon for one free bullet. And they don't want people stealing them. One free round of 56, 5.6 millimeter ammo. I use a coupon like a perfume sample and I just kind of scratch it and rub it all over my body. Yeah, I use a coupon too. Yeah. I've been using a coupon lately.

Yeah, I've been using a lot of coupons as of late. oh i don't know why this reminded me but something that that was uh that was making me chuckle at work was like we have like like candy up at the front like they're like chocolate bars and stuff yeah but it's just so funny that like people will come up and they'll like be like buying like a hundred and twenty dollars of whiskey and then they'll like look around just be like yeah fuck it okay i'll get a chocolate bar it's just like the funniest thing like a guy who like looks homeless walking up and buying like two handles of vodka and be like

yeah and a chocolate bar just kidding a bunch of nips yeah well I'm at it can I get a payday let me get it yeah it's like the funniest like I can't imagine the thought process I just be like yeah

I need some candy too yeah you know I shouldn't be having all this alcohol on an empty stomach let me get a nutter butter here's like a 5500 mill liter bottle of a jack apple oh fuck I haven't had a zero bar years.

I don't remember what is your is it white chocolate? Yeah. White chocolate is new it? Yeah. All right. Yeah. No, the guy like grabbed a slim gym was like, I haven't had one of these in 10 years.

Don't believe it. Yeah. Don't believe. Nobody, first of all, I don't believe you, yeah. I don't believe you know the date you last had a slim gym. Yeah. And second of all, I don't think you should have it. Right.

We can deny service to anybody at any time. We are a private establishment. A guy comes in reeking a slim gym. Five minutes more closely. You know, I haven't had one of these in 10 years. He's got slim jimms poking out of his cargo pants. I'll take 50. Some jims are good because you can ring them out for the grease.

Oh, yeah. And you can cook with it. You can roll it up over your gas can. I never ate a slim gym until this year. I've never never not. believe something you've said more than that i know i really i didn't i i feel like this is a trick and you're saying like i've never eaten no i never ate one slim jim until this year no i believe i believe that that patrick has never eaten a slim jim but he he ate as a child every every day he

ate like some chinese snack called like let's meet yeah yeah it's like exactly a slim gym but with with pigeon mixed into it yeah it's like made up yeah and a squab i had a squab meat stick. What's wrong with that? Yeah, they just like scrape off the suicide nets at a Foxcon factory. And that's all the animals and the and shit to get caught in it and the leaves and the guys. And then they just

put it through, they just put it through like the low main mold where they make all the noodles. And it legally has to be sold as incense. It's like, it's sold as an aphrodisiac. Yeah, it's like bath salts. You know what I... I did eat in high school. I went

to China Town once. It's called Essence of Man. I eat a lot of shrimp crackers See, that's the basis I was going off When I said that about you eating a strange I got shrimp crackers in China They're good They smell like penis though They really do

They smell like unwashed penis And you know why that What that smells like why And you know what the whizawata what? I don't wash my penis for religious reasons Yeah You don't wash it, dude. It's like sourdough.

Yeah, it's like a cast iron skillet. You're not supposed to wash it. Men be treating their beds like a cast iron skillet. Does anybody done that yet? Oh, my God. Yeah, that's right. Oh! I actually do have to wash my cast iron skillet this week because the mice have been living in it.

Oh, yeah. You talked about that before. You got to put soap in it? Yeah, there was mice in it. There's the only way. No, you don't understand. Baby, I still can't. We can't wash it.

No, it's seasoning. It's seasoning. It's seasoning. Anything that goes in is legally seasoning. Legally. Yeah. And that's southern law. And that's southern poverty law.

I was going to say that. I was going to say that, but I don't know what they do. Number four, TV remotes. That's right. Yeah. Dark Shadow says. They're all going up that guy's butt from the greatest freak out ever. Wait, here's a really good comment.

this is it has a picture of uh as a picture of the the i list item has a picture of a tv remote and then the comment says hey that looks like my tv remote and then a smiley face and then josh tishin 24 but there's a space that does look like my tv remote there's a space after josh tishin and before 24 so it looks like is his age josh dition 24 yeah this is good i this will be a good one because then you won't lose your in the couch. But what if you're using, what if it's like you lose your brain in the couch now? Because you use it to control the TV. That can already happen. You can use your screams to control the TV. I lost my brain in the couch. This is a TV that runs completely on screen. This is a TV

that is completely fear powered. Yeah. Yeah, it'll, it'll go to whatever channel you're most afraid of. If you want, yeah. Yeah. Hey, Dad, why does it keep, Dad, why does the channel keep changing to BET when you sit down? Yeah, can we change a channel? No, I got the respect-powered TV, I swear. I don't really want to watch Dateline. I can't change a channel. No, I really can't.

Life would be different without TV remotes. Like, if you had to use your phone to change the channel or volume from Trains 45, Which you can already, if you have a Roku, you can already do that. Yeah, if you had a Roku, you could already do that, Trains 45. Get with the programs, you're stupid motherfucker. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Patrick loves Roku.

What's up with you doing Roku lately? It changed my life. What changed your life about Roku? I'm going to report this in my life forever. Is it the Pandora integration? Yeah. Yeah? Is that you can listen to Tenacious D Radio?

Mm-hmm. I'm reporting the picture of it. I'm clicking report image on the picture of the TV remote, and I'm reporting it saying it is copy. right protected. Let's see if we can get that taken down. It looks too much like Josh Tishon's TV remote. It's copyrighted by Josh Tition.

Oh no, it says you have to file a DMCA. All right, let's do it. All right, let's file one, dude. Please follow the instructions on our copyright policy page for submitting a takedown notice. The DMCA is like one of the worst fucking things of all time. of all time of all time

yeah what is the d what is the dmcate to you the dmc a ruined youtube poop in 2010 that is true it really did yeah it took down one of the greatest

art forms it took down crowbo productions I think at one point yeah it took down vasor vase yeah vasor vase yeah

could never recover he never got his fan base back right where go iron irising az er all those guys

you're gone yeah yeah yeah yeah and then people would file false DMCA reports against each other and then get their channels sticking down. That is pretty funny. That's a funny move. If someone wants to DMCA or podcasts, that'd be kind of funny.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I've already gotten reported for impersonating myself. They'll do it. No. That was Chapo fans that did that. That was because I told, I responded to one, Patrick said something to me under a Felix tweet, and I responded and said, hey, Chapo fans, can we all report this? guy thank you and it worked

so fucking funny sheep and they made it Patrick change his name on Twitter because they said he was impersonating someone named Patrick yeah sick number six which is funny because my

profile picture is an impersonator that is true yeah number five is movie theaters yeah I could do without them I don't like them man we've talked about this so much we talk about this This is one of our things. One of our things that we have.

Nah. I don't need them. Get rid of them. Fuck them. Here's a comment. Reading, listening to music, going to the cinema is always a pleasure. And it is necessary to establish physical contact to get real pleasure, not just in the virtual. Physical pleasure at the movies.

Excuse me, sir. I'm going to the movie theater for physical pleasure. So. Yeah. Which row? and the theater would be the best for physical pleasure. Yeah, I just, I'm trying to get as much physical pleasure while I'm here as possible. Yeah, um, this is surfs up, right?

I'm in the right movie theater. Can I, can I run around the theater for physical pleasure? Yeah. Can I, can I, can I, can I, let me, let me get in there physically. Let me get in there. I bet it's warm and I bet it's bubbly. Did you guys know kids in middle school would just go to the movie theater and just get, just blown? Yeah.

What is that about it? Why the movie theater? it because it's dark and there's no parents but aren't the don't they aren't the like aren't they on high alert for that shit isn't like there was some yeah but if you walk up to if you walk up

to a 14 year old kid getting blown you're the pedophile that's true that's true it's true it's a trap so why not do it in a park and just clear the whole park out yeah right that's that's the problem could land on you right a bird can't be a hawk could see your wiener and think is a worm and go at you

and actually hawks are younger than you, so then you're the pedophile. Yeah, exactly. Because a hawk is only maybe two or three years old. There's a kid that went to my high school who saw the Smurfs in its last week and got a tug. And everyone called him Papa Smurf. I called him Papa Smurf.

Yeah. Damn. Yeah, everyone just called him Papa Smurf at. I don't remember. I'm not going to say the kid's name. You remember. It was Patrick. Patrick was the Smurfette.

Yeah. No, if you think I would be the person to ever do that? You'd be Smurf Eat. You think I'd be cool enough in high school to get my shit tugged at the Smurfs? No, you were tugging the shit. You were the tugger. No. Yeah, you were saying. I mean, I was tugging, but I was in the bathroom and the Smurfs was on.

At the movie theater. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, just listening to the very muffled faraway sound of Gargamel's voice and been busting all over the stall wall. I was listening to the George Lopez Smurf And I shot my shit It said over the wall of the stall Into the next stall

Like a perfect arc like a world of tanks game That's right on to the bald head Of the theater manager Sitting in the next stall Yeah Number six passwords What How does this

What? How is this one going to work? Oh Because you're going to use your gonna use your brain oh yeah everything's just gonna turn into your just using your brain that's true yeah yeah we're not gonna need food anymore we'll just think we'll just think and be and be nurse nourished nourished nourished by our thoughts we'll be nourished by thought by thoughts of a big juicy steak oh big steak uh yeah i don't think passwords are going anywhere i'm skipping this one i'm vetoing

Yeah, I don't even want to talk about this. That's fucking right. Fast food jobs. We're getting rid of these scumbags. Yeah, get a real job, guys. Yeah. I mean, at the very least, have the dignity to stand out on the street and hold out a cup. Don't fucking go.

Exactly. You think it's somehow, you think it's dignified, you think it's cool to work. You think you're having fun and people like you? No, everybody hit, you're the only thing standing between them and getting a lot of jumping over the counter and jumping and getting a lot of extra fries. That's what I'm going to do. These fast food pieces of shit who have to be homeless

and panhandle, well they hold their cup I'm going to go up to them and say, hey, don't use that for water. Or don't, or salt, I mean, water. Yeah. Writing, don't use that for water on a $20 bill.

Hey, don't soda your water. Don't put water in your soda cup. Yeah, I hope you don't plan on refilling that. Yeah. Hey, no free refills. I'll give them one-teny and saying, pouring out all their coins on the ground.

It's like, no. And don't refill it. No refills, pussy. Yeah. Yeah, and also, yeah. And also, uh, your manager is my stepdad. Yeah. And then I walk into my job at, at hell as the devil.

Yeah. There's a comment. Damn, dude. This new, this new Stephen King short story goes crazy. Yeah. Yeah, just the devil walking by me and then he was the, he was the devil. And then he walked into his job at hell. That's, uh, that's Shirley, that literally is a Shirley

Jackson's story actually that is yeah there's a one about whatever it doesn't matter yeah it's called the lottery real ones know what I'm talking about no it's not called the lottery it's called the lottery too it's called mr. lottery it's called mr. lottery Shirley Jackson evil guy who gives money I'll figure this out um I want to see like a air bud movie with the devil instead of a dog yeah there's no rule that says that the devil can't play basketball yeah but he's playing against the Catholic school so there is a rule that's the first that's the that's the that's the first part that's the first rule

and then he has to go to a public school yeah is the devil can't play basketball here yeah or maybe they maybe he's playing for public school and then they have to play a catholic school oh geez they got jesus on their team oh my god there's a comment from two storm here that says no way am i letting a robot cook my food then again i don't eat fast food a lot. I actually like I like actual restaurants a lot more. So what's a fast food? What's McDonald's

going to be like? McDonald's is a gourmet restaurant. Oh. Oh. They got the That's how you eliminate fast food jobs as you change it from being fast food. True. And then they're just a normal food. You put the word gourmet next to McDonald's.

Gourmet McDonald's. And then that's it. Have you seen every restaurant Have you seen the J. Balvin meal? No. It's, why did they, he didn't even do anything special. Jay Balvin meal. It's just, it's just fries with ketchup, a Big Mac, no pickles, and an Oreo McFlurry.

Who is Jay Balvin? He's like a, he's the Prince of Regatone. That's Bad Bunny. Let me, hold on, let me look up. I saw McDonald say the Prince of Regatone. Well, it does seem like he, I mean, he looks like a regatone. guy let me look this up yeah he kind of looks like whatever post malone is going for yeah what post malone wishes he could be that's right wait so it's it's really just a big mac with pickles

big mac no pickles there's literally pickles in the the promo photo really yeah stupid ass fucking dumbass bitch you get a you get a temporary you get a temporary tattoo of the receipt with every order. Really? That's awesome. Yeah. That's sick. And you can,

I was looking at McDonald's Twitter yesterday. Yeah, your daily McDonald's Twitter scroll. Like I do every morning. Yeah, of course. Yeah, it's like the times for you. Up late doom scrolling on McDonald's timeline again. Pat, every day he wakes up and he prints out like a trifold version of the McDonald's Twitter

and just reads it like the, like a horoscope. Can you believe this? God damn it And the funny pages is all the is just all of the McDonald's tweets from other languages

Yeah He's reading McDonald's Yeah look at these funny symbols Hey son Come here look at this It's a pretty good one I'm gonna clip this one

And put her on the fridge Look it's called L Big Mac Number 8 Taxis Yeah Taxis are already Kind of gone I feel like

Yeah It's all Ubers now It's all Yeah, keep going. It's all Uber's now. Yeah, it's all Uber's and lifts. Yeah, and the train. I'm going to put my tube in your shit.

That's right. Uh-huh. I don't know. I feel like kids nowadays will ride everywhere in an Uber, but when they're having sex, they won't put on a Uber. Oh. God damn, Cameron. Yeah.

McDonald's pin tweet is Grimmis lives rent-free in my head. That's awesome. That's so great. Crimmus lives rent-free in my head. Kids these days will all use their lift, but at their taxi job, they won't show up for a shift. Yeah, oh my God. Because the kids are the taxi drivers now.

Yeah, that's true. That's how you save the taxi industry. Mm-hmm. You make a kid every taxi driver. Exactly. Yeah. If kids were in charge of the taxis in the world. If kids were in charge... Bruce Springsteen's on.

If kids were in charge of the taxis, they could change the world. Taxis will change the world. I think that a good move was when they started putting TVs in the back of the taxis. They played like HGN. Yeah. Like that was a really good move. Because now I just want... You know what?

You know what, Mr. Taxi Man? Shut up. I'm not worried about being late to this meeting. Just keep driving. I want to watch the rest of this. Martha Stewart's show. Do they, have you... Yeah, kids nowadays will all...

Kids nowadays will all be watching Robert De Niro and Taxi Driver, but they don't have them, they don't even take a moment to change their crappy diaper. Wow. Yeah. I thought you were going to go with like they, they don't understand what the movie is because they don't get, they don't understand what a taxi is. Caleb, have you gone in a real New York cab yet? Every single day.

I just ride it around. Yeah It's just something to do Just keep driving Taxi man One of these times I'm gonna get Robert De Niro Yeah

I'm gonna play this Knockoff of bejuled with horses On this On this Amazon fire tablet Hey I know you're driving me around But if you could send me a candy Crush life right now

That'd be Yeah That'd be great I'll tip you I'll tip you It's just me I'm sitting in the back Just basically

punching the headrest Of the taxi driver So hard On the little iPad that he has there trying to play a Sudoku like it's a crossword

just putting in words none of these are correct your game's broken restart the car yeah that's mostly what I try to do and then he tells me that his it tells me

that his cousin is the president yeah yeah yeah so we're not going to do that one this time number nine Number nine is DVDs.

Oh, I hope that never goes away. I love watching the DVD with you guys. Depresses me, dude. I love DVDs. I love watching DVDs with you guys. What am I going to put on my finger and pretend that I'm married to the TV? A Blu-ray. No!

Oh my God. Yeah, they'll go down the same way like VHS tapes did 20 years ago from Cubs fan 16. That could have just been something you were saying. I think, I mean, I haven't bought a DVD in so long. I just bought so many DVDs. Yeah. Why do you guys buy DVDs? I like DVDs.

Yeah. I think they're, I think, I think it'll be fun in 20 years when DVDs are the same, have the same kind of like kitsch nostalgia that VHS does now. Like when people are putting like just fucked up like, like, like, like, like JPEG artifacts onto their, their, um, their fan cams. Like, just like, whenever there's black in a, like, in a scene, it just, it's just like giant squares of black that just, like, spread out.

Hmm. Like the greenish little shit. Doing that instead of, like, video scan lines and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Be the best. I just want, I think the DVDs are great for the games that some of them have on them. That's true, yeah. Yeah. They all have to have some fun, some fun point and clicks. Like, Shrek American Idol? Shrek American Idol is really good, yeah. Yeah. Simon Cowell sings when you pick the wrong guy.

The Santa Claus. one with uh jack frost has a great game do you guys remember being little and like watching a movie like watching a movie on a DVD and then it ends but you like want to stay up later so you're like can we watch a special feature and it's just like really boring but you can just stay up 20 minutes longer you watch i remember doing that with the Incredibles and it's just like so it was just like so here's how we animated the hair of the different characters oh the Incredibles had a cool one because day up until 920 tonight. The Incredibles had...

This is Incredible's beautiful waist to pussy ass ratio. Yeah. The Incredibles had like a list of all the other heroes that were in the Incredibles. Oh yeah. On the DVD and it's like they never fucking showed these people in the movie. No, there's so much work that goes into that shit. There's a guy, there's a character. There's a one of the superheroes they mention is named Gaser Beam, which is so funny.

Yeah. Is they're trying to be like gays? His power is just looking at women. No, that's his, that's his, like, kryptonite. Yeah, yeah. He's like a skeleton. They find us the skeleton of gazer bean. Yeah, yeah, they take, I remember that, they take off his goggles.

And they're like, these belong to gayser bean. Yeah, it's just so funny, nobody thought that name over at all. Right. Yeah. Number 10 DVDs, no, number 10, key D, keys. Keys? Keys. Yeah, let's go ahead and get rid of keys.

I'm talking car keys and house keys. I mean, already we have key cards, and pretty soon I bet you can use your phone, or there will be facial recognition technology, making keys worthless from Dark Shadow. Did you guys see that video of that guy who's like, some, like, fucking Bay Area, like, tech guy who makes his wife get a chip in her hand so that she doesn't have a key to open the door? That is the funniest shit I've ever seen He makes his wife get a chip in her fucking hand Yeah, so I know you're always losing your keys So for your birthday

I'm having a chip surgically implanted into your thumb So you can get into the house And she's like Awesome Yeah And then she goes with the doctor And she's like Yeah I don't really

I don't really want to do this And then they fucking just shoot a chip in her hands With a big, like, comical needle. Jesus Christ. Then it, they go back, and it, like, doesn't work at first, and she's, like, just hitting her door with her hand, and then it finally opens, and then, like, the music plays, like, it's all resolved and it's a happy ending,

and the husband's, like, thank God, now I always know where my wife is. The divorce thing is, like, she can get in to kill him at any time, right? Yeah, dude. I'm changing the hands to the house. and your honor my husband made me put a chip in my thumb yeah i mean that's cut in dry who gets the chip in the divorce because he paid for the chip yeah he can't get the chip out at any time if they fucking move

what's it going to happen i know i know you don't want to do an iud because you think it'll mess up your hormone so actually we're going to put a chip in your vagina that just uh opens up the front door they were going to put a gun in your vagina that shoots that detects and shoots sperm what it answers shoots my penis. It immediately shoots my penis. We're going to get, we're going to get saran wrap installed over your hole so that nothing.

Yeah. Number 11, checks slash cash. I don't care about that. I hope they don't get rid of that. Never, dude. They're never getting rid of cash, dude. I'm never going to fucking throw my phone at a woman on stage. Number 12 is school. Uniforms, which is funny to say that file, like, with my phone.

Yeah, I just throw in my Samsung Galaxy at some woman's face. Yeah. Just put in however much you want. Under $10, though. Under $10 where I will kill you. Yeah. Shining a QR code laser into her eye. Yeah, do you think that's going to happen?

No. No, because they'll abolish sex before they get rid of cash. That's true. Number 12 is school uniforms, which is funny because it's like pretty much doesn't, exist now. Yeah. Like why, yeah. Lame pick.

Except in my aunt's closet. Number 15 is, I think, one of my favorites on this. Number 15 is music albums. And there's a comment that says, as much as I love Spotify, I still enjoy collecting music albums. Yeah. I love music albums so much. I love collecting music albums.

Hey, I like Spotify, but I also like collecting music albums. One day I'll just be sheet music. They don't have any albums on Spotify is something about Spotify. That's true. They have zero albums on Spotify. They're actually taking all the albums off this week. Removing all the music from Spotify. And it's just going to be last podcast on the left.

Yeah, just them fucking talking about Hitler for the 50th time or whatever. And Michelle Obama podcast are going to be the only things on Spotify. Joe Dogen. We're making a move. We're going to have Spotify buy us out. If we came to them, we were like, you guys can buy us out how much you think they would offer us like five hundred dollars yeah i feel like we could make if we need 500 bucks super fast we could do that yeah yeah yeah yeah might be a

good move dude wouldn't be bad i'm sure i'm sure we'd uh think about what we can do with 500 uh like like like like weird like like decentralized patreon-esque startups keep messaging us and being like do you guys want to be one of our flagship things and it's like we we are like We are crowdfunding program a lot like Patreon, but we're blockchain focused and we're racist. So, if you'd like to join. What was that? It was like, we got an email once that was like, I love to smoke a bowl and listen to your podcast. Yeah, and then that website that that email was from was fake.

Like, it said that Joe Rogan was like featured on it, but it's not. It's just like a scam. That's so sad. Enticing podcasters into a scam by saying you love to smoke a bowl while you listen to their episodes. Fuck yeah, dude We should maybe just start our own Patreon thing We should start a Patreon for the podcast That's a great idea

We should just have people Venmo us And we send them the episode for that week Yeah, and Patrick and do all of the work Yeah, it's all manual Start pulling his weight What do you mean? Look, my weight's too big to pull Oh, you said it so I didn't have to, dude

Thank you very, very much Thank you very much Thank you very much Thank you very much Thank you so much All right I gotta go peepee Yeah me too

I gotta go peepee Bye everybody Three pee pee pee Three pee pee pee Follow us on the Patreon Subscribe to the bathroom Subscribe to the Patreon T-spring

I fixed all the fucking awesome Caleb hoodies You it was you messed them up It was you that messed them up I don't know I think the one You rolled to it from the microphone Because you were embarrassed

No, because I had it hanging up, and I was looking at it. The first problem with the one that I got was the... All right, thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. Bye.