Podcast About List - Ep. 124 - Creamed Out

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

i got creamed out by a kobold subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All accounts to the ball list. You're in the crap monster. Oh, oh. Oh. Ah. Ouch. Caleb, stop.

No. Oh. No. You don't. You better bring that tushy back over here, man. I'm going to keep pinching. Yow! Youch!

Ouch! Ow! Owo! Reacting like Mario when he falls into lava. Your butt turns red and you bounce away. Ay!

Yeah, Caleb just gave me a purple nirple. Yeah. On your, you know what? On my butt, on your thing. Why are you so quiet, Caleb? Because my heart is racing. My heart has been beating out of my chest for like a... It's exciting.

I didn't realize that's 140 milligrams of caffeine. You're dead. You're dead. I drank that, yeah, that fucking monster I got this morning. I don't know if it leaked in my bag or not. I don't know what happened. Oh, yeah, it was half empty. It was half full, yeah.

I feel like, yeah, well, like, because your bag was, like, not that wet. And also it was still like, like, you left it on the table for a long time and there was nothing around it. So I feel like it wasn't leaking. I feel like it was just like that. Yeah, I think it just came half full. because it was Oh, they must have ran out of

Monster. Yeah, they ran out at the factory. It was a sugar-free monster but not a Zero Ultra. And I haven't seen one of those in months. So why is that the thing? Wait, so you actually think they just ran out

halfway through it? And they were like, we're not going to make a whole other batch just to fill this fucking can. Maybe they've discontinued production of Zero Sugar Monster. And how does it have to do with the half? What does this have to do with the thing being? Because I thought it was, because I don't know.

Bitch? They discontinued. They discontinued doing it normally, and now they only do it with mistakes. They discontinued it. And it's like, you know how they have like a bunch of air and a chip bag? It keeps evaporating in the can. Yeah, they just started doing that with drinks now. Yeah.

They're just trying to rip us off. Maybe the bodega work, the bodega worker. It wasn't a bodega. It was the worst gas station of all time. That's literally what a bodega is. That's true. You know what? Yeah.

What if that guy was like siphoning it out? Yeah, you could be drinking it on the dome. Oh, yeah, that was that gas station where we walked in. Nothing worked. He was like, yeah, it's cash only. And we bought so with cash. And the ATM didn't work. And then I tried to buy gas with cash because the debit card part of it didn't work.

And he was like, yeah, that just doesn't work either. And I was like, oh, this place sucks. And he was like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know it sucks. This place sucks. Sucked. He sucked the monster out of the can. That's why he said he thought you knew.

Maybe all of the drinks in that place are half full. Yeah. Because he keeps drinking off. that's not a bad move you mean half empty well let's not even no sorry yeah i don't want to get into philosophy tonight on on the podcast yeah yeah but i am a christian yeah in christ always does things half full i should just start trying to convert you guys yeah yeah if you want to be a real fucking i don't want no i i don't want to have anything to do with the church you don't want to go to heaven see your mommy and daddy no dude i believe it i believe it i believe

believe in the spaghetti monster. I'm a Rastafarian. Yep. The only difference of Pastafarian and Rastafarian is that Pastafarian's think it's flying. Rossifarins are like, it's just a spaghetti monster. And it's coming. Yeah, and it's right behind you.

I think the only religion I think I would convert to is Judaism. Yeah. I mean, that is a funny one to get into. Just because it would be funny. It's funny to get into Judaism because, like, Jews don't even believe in that shit. they just do it like it's just one of those things

you're just born into it and you're like yeah I guess I'm Jewish you know yeah which I mean I respect that more than anything in Christianity yeah I guess it's I guess it's like Catholic Catholics are like I think that I think that Catholics

make like the best art though like about being like being tortured yeah yeah like make like the exorcist and like that's definitely like that's like a fucking that's like a religion that's like anybody who is Catholic is just like miserable oh yeah yeah yeah my whole fucking family

Irish Catholics. Normal, fucking evangelical... We fucking chop a snake in half. We're done with it. That's it. That's all we have to do. We don't have to confess anything. And also,

also, compared to Catholics, we're good boys. Yeah. We don't do naughty stuff. The Catholic Church has done a lot of stuff. Like, the most evil thing you can do in an evangelical church is be a pastor who's secretly gay.

Yeah. That's like... And that's most pastors. Yeah, and Catholic Church, that's like... I don't know if that's just an experience I had growing up, because I did... Whoa. An experience I had growing up.

My aunt worked at a church, and every priest that came through was, like, clearly just like a gay guy. Yeah. And I just grew up, I just grew up believing that all priests were gay guys. I just thought all gay guys were priests. Yeah. I thought all priests were gay guys because they were, like, closeted and they, they had to shame. I mean, it's kind of the real. A gay priest is like a, is like a dex.

or like a Hannibal Lecter where God recruits them to take out all the other gay people Yeah Yeah They know how to stop the monster Because it lives in them too

Exactly That's a really good point That That puff bar sounds crazy In the microphone No it's like a buzzing sound Yeah I don't get why you're doing

puff bars Because they're flavored Is that it? It tastes so good And I haven't brushed my teeth In two months We've already talked about it But I swear to God

There's going to be like some study about like Jewel and like puff bars ruining your teeth And they're going to use me as the example Yeah I have strong teeth I don't think I've ever had a cavity My family has terrible teeth My teeth are extremely strong

I think my dad's missing a tooth I think I've never seen my dad brush his teeth But he does Listerine like six times a day Okay that counts So he's just burning that shit off Oh yeah I also think maybe there's a, there's a chemical that they've been dumping into the water in my hometown for like 40 years. Right.

No, it's called gin. Or, uh, uh, Jitaphitis. It's called Jinn X is the name of the chemical. It's a Teflon byproduct. And they've just been done, they only got caught like two years ago. And I think it probably gave me like the strongest teeth ever and like the most insane brain cancer. Oh, yeah. Probably, I've probably, I've probably honestly beat brain cancer like five times by now.

Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense. It's sick. Just the fucking enamel of your teeth growing up, like, growing up in your brain and just stabbing the tumors out of your brain. Yeah.

It was just, it happened. It came out, like, right when, like, the, like, flint water situation started happening. Yeah. And, uh... Well, that's a different thing, because at least yours gave you superpowers. Well, that's a really good point.

Yeah. I mean, it made me so good at video games. Yeah. Yeah. But they just, they also don't eat. Like, the company, they had, like, some hearing. And they were like, like, what is this? And they were like, we, we don't know.

We don't even know what this is. It's just when we make Teflon, it comes off the side of the, like, thing, and we got to put it somewhere. So we put it in the water. Jesus. Pretty sick, dude. If I was in Flint, I would just drink the water and pretend it's chocolate milk. Yeah. I would simply hold my nose and drink the water.

How bad can it taste? Yeah, that's what Obama did. True. Yeah. That is the funniest shit. Dude, yeah. looking back like that that is like just one of the most like asshole fucking blues just dribbling it down your shoulder

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh man that's the best water I ever had it's from the purests damn pouring it into the dog's mouth under the podium here boy I finished all my water can I have ice cream now Michelle's under the podium just drinking it out of his hand I mean I wouldn't drink the Flint water I'm going to say it

Dude, yes If I was president At that situation In that moment What would you have done I would have told them I would have said hey we need to do something about this crap I would have played in it

Yeah We need to get We need to put a Brita filter on it Why didn't they just put a Brita filter In the water system? Yeah I would have told them to just move to another state or town Yeah

I would have told them that before that shit Yeah That's so crazy All the fucking people now that are like Because Flint was like Flint turned Republican or something like that Or Flint was like Republican Everyone was like I don't want to hear you bitching about your water

Enjoy that water And then shit and then it was It might vote a Republican because they've lead in their brains Right Yeah It wasn't it also that like it was red And then like everyone yelled at like did that And then like the rest of the votes were counted

And it turned blue Oh yeah that too Yeah It's how fast those people just fucking And overreacted to be like, you're a piece of shit. You deserve every bad thing that happened. Damn you. Yeah.

So stupid. We're going to send you to Kingdom Come. We're going to bore a hole in the center of the United States and we're going to put you in the bottom. Yeah. I think there is a thing in a hometown where, like, people get thyroid cancer at like a crazy high rate. In Flint or your town? In my town, yeah. My town, yeah, Flint.

Your town of Flint? My town of Flint, North Carolina. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know if they stopped dumping it in the water. That's the other thing. Yeah? Because I think it's, I think it's legal for some reason.

It's one of the good chemicals. It's one of the things we forgot to make a law. Yeah. Yeah, because there's so many things that they forget to make laws for because it's like all the laws were written back when stuff was written on like cotton. There's a law, and especially in like southern states, there's a law in North Carolina that like the first Sunday of the month, you're allowed to take your wife on the porch and beat her up.

That's surreal? Yeah, like I don't. I was told that as a kid, and they were like, they just forgot to repeal this one. That and slavery. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I forgot about that. There are still slaves, yeah.

I completely forgot, yeah. That's great. Wasn't it, like, in the 90s, Mississippi, like, ratified the 13th Amendment or something like that? Well, some state, I can't remember. Some state, like, just outlawed slavery as, like, a, like, a punitive thing. Like, you can, you can be, you can legally be a slave if you're, in jail you can hit puny thing

he can be a puny little slave you can be a puny little slave you can be the littlest slave alive if you're if you're like Stuart Little you're a slave you can be a slave yeah we'll let you be one yeah that's how it's if you're mouse sized yeah a puny little slave

he's not going to get much done it's the problem no yeah you come home with it could be hard day's work comes out with six beans yeah he's like I picked all these Yeah, that's all that could fit in my little cargo pants. I mean, if you weren't so cute, I'd fire you. Now, go sleep in your little RC car. Go sleep in your tiny little shed.

Give me a kiss. Thank you. If you owned Stuart Litter, Little as a slave, you would kiss him? Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm not, what, you want to pay him? He's a slave. Come on.

Yeah. That's so, I mean, there's so many laws. that shouldn't exist drunk driving laws agreed or at least make the limit like something that nobody if you drank that much

it would kill you you know yeah 0.08 yeah 0.04 If you drank 0.04 I think it should be

based on weight and if you're like 600 pounds you have to and also should be based on beers not alcohol content so if you drink 30 like if Pat drank like

15 beers he's still good Yeah But Well that's because I'm very good at It's also it's also you Well here's the thing A cop asks you how many beers you have to have to get really drunk And then they base

They use that to base You should have it like on your phone Like you know the wellness app Yeah You should do like a test The doctor gives you the test It's a but it's a quiz It's a quiz

It's a pop quiz as soon as your checkup Pop quiz He shams you, the pop quiz is him handing you. The questions are the same every time, so you can just look up the multiple choice answers online, too. That's really good. And just max it out every time. Yeah, but most of it's about, like, what kind of movies you like. And then they just extrapolate based on that.

Yeah, it's one of those, it's like a... How many episodes of Law and Order have you fallen asleep watching? Yeah, it's like a personality test at the beginning of a Nintendo DS game when they make your character for you. Yeah, they just like changes the color of your pants. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Would you live in the forest? an iceberg or a cave

or a blue pants store Yeah Yeah Um Um That's what you sound like Every time you hit the puff bar And that's not a joke

And this is actually a puff bar intervention Very awesome Me and Cameron are intervening on your puff bar addiction We're inventing you I can quit anytime I want Watch this Okay See, I just threw it across the room

And now I'm going to fetch it It's gone It's gone forever Wake up Yeah, I want to quit Jules so bad There's definitely pee in this Yeah You know, that's what gives us

That's what menthol is Yeah It's dog piss Mm-hmm Yeah I gotta stop Jueling Let's stop

You and me Do a challenge Let's fucking kiss No I can't I can't quit right now Let's not Every time every time I have. You're right. You're right. Let's not quit. Every time I've been like, oh, I'm about to quit like nicotine. I'm like, well, I can't quit right now. There's so much going on. I always quit for one month. And then I'm like, well, I already quit. I might as well just do it again.

Yeah. It's awesome being addicted to stuff. Oh my God. It's so cool being addicted to beers. I miss him. I was addicted to weed. That was a much funnier thing for him to be addicted to. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was trying to quit Jule and the only thing that I could have fun. I think you could breathe. I think you should get into toothpicks or mince penises. Yeah? I think either one of those would help you. You should have a long, like, you should have a... Well, I got some good news for you.

You should walk around with, like, a piece of straw on your mouth, like a farmer. I could. Ooh, or like a piece of dry spaghetti. Oh. Yeah. Or like one of those, one of those duck call whistles. Uh-huh. A diaphragm.

I could put a diaphragm in my mouth. There we go. I think, honestly, Pat would be. What if you walked around and you wore like an astronaut helmet? Yeah. So I couldn't put anything in my mouth. No, just because it would look cool. Have you tried chewing gum?

Have you ever tried, like, one of the... If I get gum, it has to be sugar-free because my teeth are bad. Have you ever tried nicotine gum or the patches? I had nicotine gum when I was 13. Did you like that? No. It tastes weird. It tastes really fucking weird.

I've never had it. Have you ever touched poop with your hands? Not on purpose. Okay. Have you ever made love on purpose? No. Okay. I've always, it's always been a roller skating accident

I had a roller skating accident I didn't accidentally fuck I accidentally made love It was accidentally so passionate I did Yeah It's so bad It's the last time I do that Yeah that's the last time I do in lines

At fucking jelly beans roller rink Jelly beans That was the name of the roller rink in my hometown Jelly beans just recently closed down unfortunately I did I got so much fucking sex in my brain there Just looking around Oh I forgot to turn the bird You're so right

You're so right That I forgot to turn it off again Fuck That's just every episode we record While you guys are here I'm just gonna be like Oh, whoops Oh no

Leave it on all night It'll definitely be one Oh yeah I forgot it makes noise during the night Yeah Worst host ever Because I can't hear you Or I can't hear it in my room

And it Jana when she bought it Told me that it turns off at night It does not It does not do that No. No. So blame Jan if you want to complain, which I know you love doing.

So go ahead. I'm blaming you. No, I blame you. Yeah. That's fine. I'm blaming the both of you. Go get a hotel. You guys make plenty of money.

It's your kid. I'm fine with you guys going to get a hotel. Jeff, that's your son. I wish. You're annoying fucking kid. He's only annoying for two seconds every hour. That's still, that's still annoying. Still worse than a normal kid.

Yeah. Normal kid at least goes to sleep. Cool. True. Yeah, true. Normal kid is annoying for 12 hours, and then sleep is just dead for 12 hours. Yeah. I was just keeping the, oh, it's awake.

It's not, you don't have to look like that. Yeah, he's keeping your son awake. I was just keeping the computer away. Man, that fucking burrito was so good, but I think it's giving me the hungie sleep. Hunggy sleep? Theitis. You got the itis? I got the itis.

Dude, I cannot fucking wait for Thanksgiving and just eat like a fucking donkey. Oh, yeah, dude. I'm making some, I'm definitely making Brussels sprouts. I'm going to get so fucking stupid. but I'm going to make marshmallows. Yeah? Yeah. I'm going to make...

No, I'm going to make... No, I'm going to make s'm going to make s'm going to be like, everybody's going to be so full off turkey and fucking gravy. I'll be like, how about some s'm going to? Here, let's get some cigars in here. Yeah. Yeah. You can light the marshmallows with the cigars. Here.

Grandpa, you ever had jungle juice? We're going to get Grandpa fucking fucked up. I'm going to get grandpa fucked up. He's going to say something inappropriate to my cousin. Let's go. I'm going to clap behind his ears so he has a flashback. We're going to get this party started. I don't have any war grandpas.

All of my grandpas were cowards or had a glass eye. I have a war. I have a war great uncle. Yeah? Yeah. Does he love it? I'm sure. I'm sure he loved it.

My uncle, I think my uncle went to Iraq. Nice. Just on vacation, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. his birthright. Yeah.

I think he was like a medic or something. I don't know anything about that guy. I would love to be a medic in the army. Because the thing is, he's a medic in the Air Force. There's no, like, nobody's not in the Army. He's not in the Air Force. Nobody's expecting you to save anybody's life. So somebody's like, medic.

And then you can just be like, oh, dude, he's gone. I gave him water. I think the funniest, the funniest type of kid is the kid who, like, in middle school or high school wants to be in the army, but he wants to be a medic. Like, that shit is, I found one of my favorite. I never encountered that kid. never encountered him in real life, but one of the funniest, like, posts ever seen online is I was, like, browse, I was looking through, like, the Slipknot subreddit, because it's just, like, a bunch of, like, you know, like, seventh graders posting, like, look at this crazy drawing I made, and

it's just, like, a smiley face. Slipknot inspired thoughts. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And there's one where guy was, like, check out my drawing. And he drew one of the, like, slip knot members. And it just looks like shit. And it's, like, on a school worksheet that's, like, a graphic organizer for an essay. And it has this full name at the top. And then it's, like, the issue I would like to argue is, like, for legalized marijuana and like um and it's like it's very clear like it's very clearly like a six or seventh grade level like paper and then like the comments someone's like wow like wow great job putting your full you put your full name on this good luck ever getting a job and then he responded and he was like I don't ever want to get a job I am going to go into the Marines and become a

combat medic oh my god your legs blown off I think you need a gummy bro just take this take this and if you don't feel anything, take two more. Just so, like, the idea that, like, an employer is going to look on the slip-knots subreddit and be like, this guy wanted to legalize weed in sixth grade. Sorry, buddy. You know, maybe an Army medic in Jamaica, but not in America, you fucking commie. Yeah.

I can't. The kids that, like, wanted to be in the Army when I was in school were, like, always the kids who were, like, who just sweat from walking in the hallway. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Skinny kids who sweat? No, like bigger kids who sweat, well, yeah, skinny kids who sweat too. Yeah, big old fat guys.

There was like this group, this pair of kids who wanted to be in the Army, and one of them had like, like, he clearly, like, his dad was in the Army or something, he was giving him, like, the Army haircut, where it's just like the, like, the, like, flat on top, but then he shaves the sides down, like, with a razor. Yeah, you're... And it just looks like... Like the bottom of a number two pencil. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

It just looked weird. He just had, like, a weird, like, flat. The Marine kid at my school was this. giant kid who was he would just go up to people and go like I'm going to kill you yeah there was a rumor that he just locked his mom in a closet his mom started that rumor yeah yeah i heard my son locked me into a closet okay mrs johnson and yeah he had like a social worker with a british accent which is just like that's just such a perfect combo like giant like marine kid who's like i'm gonna fucking stab you after school and like all right Craig come on

come on now and then yeah and then and then and then that kid had to have a like a social worker like left for some reason and then that same social worker like got had another kid he was helping who was just like this like tiny like high school this kid looked like he was in like fifth grade he was just this tiny autistic kid who was obsessed with trains and whenever a train there was like a train tracks behind the school and whenever a train went by he would run to the window and then he would turn around he would say what type of train it was whoa yeah so sick dude he was the best i loved him so much he's probably it was he held better or Did he skip the grades? He might have. I don't know. I mean, I didn't really know him personally. Those kids are freaks, dude. He worked at a medical supply store. God damn.

Sick. That's the coolest kid alive, dude. Yeah, and he had like a really high-pitched voice, too. I think he probably was held back the more I think about it. Or skipped grades. Yeah. Same. You know what I mean.

Yeah. He was held forward. Yeah. He was helped forward. Yeah. Yeah. I do remember having, like, like, my first day in middle school, having, like, a kid who was, like, eight years old in our class.

yeah yeah and he was only there for like two weeks and then his mom pulled him out but he like yeah that might have been the teacher's kid couldn't handle the heat i was throwing down yeah yeah yeah oh that's up pipsqueak hey little guy yeah yeah yeah little guy let me see your pubs man you ain't got none that's the beginning of of almost famous because it's about like the kid and almost famous is like he skipped three grades or whatever yeah and they're in the shit that it starts with, like, him in the shower at school with, like, all the other kids. And they're like, you're, you don't even have pubs. You don't have pubs, man.

Look at our pubs. You don't have any pews. That's such a funny thing to bullshunds right for. Dude, I wish I didn't have pubs now, man. I would do anything to have no pubs. You could go get laser surgery. Except lasers, because I'm scared of that. I'm so scared.

The kid who plays the almost famous kid is named Patrick Fuggett. Really? That's cool. F-U-G-I-T. Yeah. I'm sure it's pronounced fugit or something. Yeah. I call him Patrick Fuggett.

Patrick, when you talk about him? When I talk about him, because he's my close personal friend. Yeah. That's what I say to Patrick after you go to sleep, Caleb. Fuck it. Yeah. And I know what you're pointing out. Oh, yeah.

You. No. No. It's one of those fart in a cup things with the slime. Cameron's making me fuck one of those. It's like, Aaron's thinking putty. Yeah. One of those things that are like the, it's like a Chinese finger trap, but it's not, and it's like goo, and it's sparkly.

Oh, yeah. What that called? It's called the sparkling. It's called the Chinese sparkler. It's indolous. I know what you're talking about. Japanese finger trap? Ublik?

No. No, it's a, if you tried to fuck Ublik, would it go hard or soft on you? I would go hard on it. Yeah, but that's, that's the, that's what I mean. If you go hard on it, it will go hard on you. If you punch the Ublik, it's hard. Yeah. What happened to you fuck Moonsand?

Is it smooth? or is it sandy? You probably get a grain in your peehole. Agree to disagree, man. Go to what? Yeah. Oddly satisfying grain of sand and pee hole compilation. It fits perfectly.

Doink. I wish it was just like one thing in real life that had a cartoon sound effect. Like if I got a boner really fast, I wish you would just make a boi-loon. Doink. Yeah. The, like, putting down a glass bottle funny, and it goes like, whew, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. I've never heard that.

Or like, or like if you hit, also if you hit like a metal water bottle on like the side of a table. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That makes me laugh every time. That's good, yeah. You know what else makes me laugh every time? If you hold a spoon under the faucet and the water goes everywhere. That always gets me.

That is funny. You know what makes me, I think it's really stupid, but like car horns just make me laugh. Like, if it's like a quick enough car horn, it makes me laugh. Especially, like, car, like, a lot of European cars have just, like, the most sissy horns in the world. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just a short, loudish noise is just very funny. If you're driving a Volkswagen, nobody ever thinks you're mad at them. It's always just a courtesy honk. Yeah. Yeah. So I was just like, hey, man. You're wasting your own time here. Yeah, they're so polite. That's the problem with the Le Cucaracha horn is it just makes people dance.

Exactly. Listen, buddy, if you want me to, my hands are completely off the wheel. now. Look, I'm in front of, I'm in front of my car doing the Mexican hat dance now that you've played your La Cougalajal horn. Yeah, and you're like, and I've held up traffic. By the way, guac and chips and you bend over and they eat out of your suburb. All right. Let's do this list, baby. Yeah. Top 10 reasons why people don't commit suicide. By, uh... Is this an awareness episode? By the suicide guy. By Paris

N-2000. It's Paris Hilton. Yeah. all right number one because they don't know how that's a really good point that's i think that's what's kept me from doing it up until now you can't figure it out i mean just like what is i mean yeah i'd love to trust me but how yeah maybe just like jump really hard just yeah what that's a good point can you kill yourself from running too hard you probably could yeah it's probably so easy to kill yourself by doing something. Yeah. Could you rip your own head off?

Maybe. That was one of those, like, those, it was either, like, an essay thread or a fortune thread that, like, got screenshot and I would read all the time. And, like, as, like, a 12-year-old would be, like, there's, like, the coolest ways to commit suicide. And it's, like, like, put, like, glue your hands to your head and then, like, get in, like, a piano wire noose and then jump off a building. So it looks like you ripped your own head off. Like, there's a bunch of shit like that.

Yeah, I can't remember what that was, but, but I, that's definitely the coolest one. That is the coolest one, I think. Yeah, because it's not, who cares if you rip your own head off? It's about the illusion. Exactly. Exactly. I'm an illusionist. It's all about tricks.

Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing, you fall down. If I saw, if I, if I was walking down the street and I saw a body on the ground with, with its hands, with its hands on its head and the, like, and the head not connected to the body, I would just think it was a Halloween decoration, even if it was, like, July. I would just be like, oh. That's a special effect That's neat That's sick

I'd take a picture with it I don't think the P&O wire Would be able to get through the The spine though Oh no If you jump off a build You want to try it out Jump off if it's long enough

You jump off a bill Maybe we have to miss bust this one I don't know A spine can't be that Freak guy What's his name of Jamie? If you get it in the space Between the spine

Connecting's Yeah I know a guy who fucking died because his spine got fucking cracked in half by a limo seat. I feel like, how did you get that? He got, he was in a limo. Yes, very fancy. I get it. Is he famous?

He was the most famous, uh, soundboard guy at my church growing up. And he got hit by a semi-truck while he was in a limo. Well, that's, no, the seat, like, cracked his entire body in half. That's not getting killed by a limo seat. That's getting killed by a semi-truck. Yeah, he didn't touch the semi-truck. Okay, but the semi-truck touched the limo. I thought you just meant the seat hurt him.

He, like, unrecline the seat too fast and, like, snapped his body. You know what? Maybe that is what happened. I don't remember. Ha ha. I knew a guy who got killed by a bug. Yeah. Mosquito that gave you triple E.

Yeah. You got killed by a spider. Triple E. What's that? Oh, and what's it called? Electro? No. Cephylitis or something.

Yeah. That shit's scary, dude. Yeah. I knew what is that do. That's like, it's like a disease that mosquitoes that's carrying like Massachusetts kills like one. and every, like, one in, it's, like, pretty rare, but if you get it, you just, like, die. Whoa.

It just, like, completely fucks you up. Yeah, my mom scared the shit out of me about that as a kid. Yeah. I was wore bug spray. Yeah, dude, it's scary as fuck. Yeah. It's what, yeah. You guys don't have, like, black widows in mass, do you?

No, we have, uh, what's that fucking brown recluse? Yeah, we have those, too. No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. Yeah, they do. Mostly just kills kids, though. You have brown poohs.

Yeah, they're actually named Cameron and Patrick. What the fuck? We aren't there, so. Yeah, you're going to be. You're going to be in a world of pain. No, I won't. Oh, yeah, you will. I will not.

Yeah, you want to go? No. Let's just fucking fight. No. Yes, I win. I'm going to bring back Fight Club. You better not. Oh, my God.

I forgot, yeah. Yeah, the first time that we met up to record a bunch of episodes a couple months ago, I just kept trying to fight Patrick. That's true. And I beat him every time. It's Fight Club, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

I got some good hits on you. did. I really wasn't happy. You were very scared. I hit your arm quite a few times. We kept telling you to go inside and you were too afraid to go inside. I was. He wouldn't even open the door because he thought when he turned his back to us, so we started beating up on him. And you were very

correct. Yeah, you were right, yeah. Yeah. Number two, because they are happy with their life. That's a good point. I think people still do it. Yeah. You know? If they're happy. I'm too happy. I'm too happy. I love things too much.

I've never been sad in my life, so I don't understand true happiness. I have nothing to compare it to, so I have to kill myself, the saddest thing of all time, so I can finally understand how happy I am. I have to do a Squidward Suicide. Don't even fucking start, dude. I have to make my eyes go real, hyper-realistic. My friend's mom did Squidward Suicide. Who was, like, the first person you guys knew who, like, had killed themselves?

I don't think I'd know, I've known anyone, like, I've, Nobody I've been close to has died from suicide Like I know of people Yeah like people like at my school and shit But like no one I like knew None of my friends Like while I was growing up

But I did this lady from my church She like One day she'd just like Fucking Got the kids in the car Drove him to school Went home and hung herself And then

There was like Didn't leave a note or anything Oh man And I was like You know His dad was fucking I don't want to accuse him on the podcast But he killed his wife.

Yeah, definitely. I mean, yeah, it could be. There was one of my neighbors growing up, like my senior year of high school, we didn't hear from him for like two weeks. And then I guess he had like gone hiking and then like it was like it looked like a hiking accident. But then they found like a note in his house. Well, that's the funniest thing though. His notes said, I am going hiking. I am going to have fun.

I will love the trail. I love hiking. The funniest move is every time you go hiking somewhere that you know there's like bears and like things that can kill you, write a suicide note. And then if you get mauled to death and eaten by a bear. Yeah, that's like the coolest. Yeah. People are like, oh, that pussy got eaten by beer.

Oh, shit, he did it on purpose. Oh, my God, that's a beast. Damn, that guy rocks. That guy is fucking balls on this dude. That's so, yeah, being like, I want to kill myself and just walking to, like, just grabbing a bear cup. Just covered in honey. Hey, bear, showing your asshole to him for some reason.

Excuse me. Hey, Mr. Bear! Get over here. I'm all yours. I'm in a naughty little B. Just hiking around wearing a wig and going, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, dude.

I'm going to kill myself by... Because they are still mad at Goldilocks. I'm going to kill myself by walking into a gorilla enclosure dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. I was going to be like... Hello. Hello, Mr. President. With, like, Empire State Building.

Yeah, miniature. You'd have to bring an Empire State building with you, and it's the only problem. That is tough. It's a pretty big building. Yeah. Some might say the biggest. I've never seen it.

Really? Yeah, you have. I brought you there on our elf tour. What? Remember we toured everything from the movie elf? No. You can't tell me you don't remember this. I don't remember the elf tour.

No, we went in the North Pole. You remember that? We walked through Canada. No. No? We went to that one coffee shop where he goes inside and he says, congratulations on having the world's greatest coffee. We don't remember that?

We went into the shower and we watched Zoe Dishol shower. We went into a tiny shower and then this bigger shower with a girl in it. I forgot. I forgot that's a part of that movie is him spying on a woman in the shower. He doesn't understand. He doesn't even look at her. Yeah, he doesn't even creep. Oh my God.

He sits there and he enjoys her music. That's true. Don't tell me you've never done that. Don't tell me you've never snuck into the girls' locker room. Never gone to the Y-W-C-A. Enjoy the music. Some girls fucking singing Beat King, and you're like, I know this song. Yeah.

Yeah. That's Beat King. He's a rapper. Oh. You sing it. Club God, baby, pop that pussy wound. Something like that. Yeah, just joining in.

Yeah, and you're like, you can't help. There's someone singing Little John in the shower. You like, yeah, let's go. Number three, because somebody says, sent a threat to kill them if they did commit suicide. This is kind of a joke entry, I think. Yeah, I think this is kind of just like a prank. Yeah.

Yeah. That wouldn't work on me. I'd simply just kill them. River Clan Rock's comments, that's ironic, because if they committed suicide, they would already be dead. You only die twice? I don't know. Do you?

Who knows? He's trying to riff that comment out as they write it. You know, straight up, I'm not even thinking right now, but maybe you would, you could die twice. Who knows, though? Who knows, though? Real shit. I mean,

P. For real. Dash P. How to save an idiot's life 101? Damn. Hey, Pat. If you commit suicide, I'll totally kill you.

Yeah, maybe. I think that's a bad deal. No. It's not a deal. It's a threat. Just say yes. No.

If you ever set foot in this down again, I'll fucking kill you. I don't know if I like that deal. But what's in it from? Me. Yeah. What do I get out of that? Maybe like a job breaker. Number four, because they don't want to. I mean, that's the ultimate reason. Yeah. That should be number one.

I simply just don't want to yet. Yeah. You know? I'm bored. I'm not into it. I'm bored. Dude, I don't want to fucking go through it. There's a lot of rigmarole when it comes to killing yourself, dude. Yeah. Really is. Yeah. People get mad at you. People get mad at you. You're on the news now. Yeah. You know? That's the thing Youricides don't go on the news. Well, most, I mean,

Not mine will. It goes on like the... I bet you anything. They cover what I'm about to do. Yeah. It's a dark episode. We should make sure all the jokes are light. Okay, sing a silly song.

I'm going to kill my son. There we go. I don't brighten it up. I'm going to kill my soul. I'm gonna kill myself I want to die Girl let me stretch that pussy out I'm gonna kill myself

Or else I'll kill myself Your pussy makes me kill myself Your pussy smells like egg salad It makes me want to kill myself I'm gonna wear your pussy like a basketball jersey I love the weekend so much Dude he loves eating pussy I mean this guy has to be the only man in the world

Who likes eating pussy Stuff is like candy to him. Yeah. What if he has... That stuff's like a steak dinner. What if he's one of those people where his like taste buds are all fucked up? So he tastes like the, you know, an armpit taste of a pussy. And he tastes barbecue sauce.

You know? And he's like, oh, yeah, swag. Yeah. And nobody finds out until he starts singing, and her pussy tastes like ribs. There's like, hold on. What do you do like ribs? Like, I'm under like bubble gum.

Yeah. Yeah. ribs yeah you know those like have you seen those videos of uh pussy tastes like beer people who get like like it's like hey i'm covid positive so i'm gonna eat like a bunch of disgusting food because like the taste oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you lose your sense of taste and smell for how long for the duration really well then some people say they can't taste for like a month after yeah did the people that you know have that sensation i don't i think so yeah I think that everything tastes like salt.

I would just eat poop, dude. Fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. You can make so much money in one week making videos of you eating poop. Yeah, people will eat like a whole onion when they have cooked. Oh, crazy. Just like, yeah, you get COVID and you go to the hospital.

They're like, oh, sir, we're also going to have to pump your stomach from poop. Yeah. You're filled with poop. I forgot about that. Yeah, I didn't realize that COVID makes you lose your sense of taste. I just thought a fairy blessed me in my sleep. It's a living, dude. Sir, from the looks of this, your stomach hasn't digested this poop for two weeks, and you got COVID last week.

I have delicious poop. What can I say? What can I say? I like poop. You want me to apologize? You want me to apologize for my diet? Fuck you. Fuck you.

I'm going to the other hospital. The animal hospital. Since I haven't had it now, I don't think I'm going to get it. I think it's probably impossible. I think I might. be the only guy who's got to be some people who are immune to it i think the cures in my blood yeah i think they probably need to check because i mean there's people who are immune to like chicken pox and shit yeah yeah not me buddy i had a terrible time of chicken pox

my face my face got stuck to a pillow either well it's probably because my friend came over and we watched click and uh we both started crying during click and i made fun of him for crying even though i was also crying but i blamed it on chicken pox it's crazy how like they would have chicken pox parties to get all the kids and you into it. Crazy. They tried that with COVID and it did not work. Remember, like, the beginning

in, like, March, when it first hit the States. Yeah. And everyone was like, yeah, we're having it. Like, it was a COVID party in Kentucky. Yeah. It's crazy. Crazy. Crazy world.

Number five. Because it is hard to. Suicide is hard to do. That's the song now. Suicide is hard to do. Both of these comments are really depressing. I'm not going to read either of them. Really?

Yeah. I mean, this is a fucking depressing list. No, it's reasons people don't commit suicide. This is one of the most joyous lists we've done. Yeah, that's true. I do want to read these just to myself. Okay. Well, we'll give Caleb ten minutes to read these.

Yeah. Guys. Oh, look you guys. It's just taking one look at it and he's going, Oh, geez. Oh, he tried to kill him so. I feel like it can't be that hard. What?

Killing yourself? Yeah. Literally, kill themselves by accident. All you have to do, you literally just have to sit in the car. That's it. True.

Yeah. That's all you have to do. You can literally play Game Boy until you die. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Unless you're really, like Michael Phelps, hard time killing himself in the car.

Yeah. Hold his breath forever. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Because he could swim out of the car. That's right. He can swim out of any situation. Yeah.

It's a really good point I'm making right now. I'm so smart. I should have my own podcast, just me, where I say smart stuff. Yeah, what would it be called? Caleb's Corner. Caleb's Corner. Two-Ks. No spin zone.

Yeah, it'd be called the No Bin Zone. Why is it called the No Spin Zone? Because he doesn't, because Bill O'Reilly. He doesn't spin anything. He doesn't spin anything, except his penis in a dressing room towards his intern. He spins it, yeah. He says, welcome to the spin zone. Any helicopters is dick.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah. He did that, and that's actually a fact. And that's true. He did that to me. Yeah. It's funny, my grandma, every year she would give me a new bill of Riley book when I was a kid. Did you ever read Arguing with Idiots?

No, I just, like, Glenn Beck. Just hid guns in them. Yeah. You just fucking cut out the pages. Yeah. I think I tried to do that. I think I did, actually, I did when I was a freshman in high school, I did try to take my mom's copy of arguing with idiots and argue it out so I could hide my weed in it out so I could hide my weed in it. By who you said?

Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck. Nice. Arguing with idiots. Well, that's a bad show. She's going to be reading that. Exactly, yeah. She's going to have to read it to argue with me.

It's funny that Neil in college was like, you know, it would be awesome, I'm going to make a hollowed out book and hide my weed in it. And he did. Yeah. And I was like, well, we smoked weed out of forever. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, this would have been so cool in middle school, dude. This would have been the sickest shit ever.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, at least had like a weapon in there if you're in college. Yeah, we're like, I mean, we're like embarrassing photos. Yeah. Yeah. Or like a tiny little.

guy your best friend you could hide them in there you could hide your action fingers in there and know and know that you play nobody will know you play because someone people always fuck it up and they say action figures are dolls incorrect dude they're simulations uh huh yeah they're simulators there's simulations of the human male form yeah okay i'm learning about my own body through theirs yeah i mean this it's on the same it's it's the same thing is as if you had like a a medical skeleton that you could learn from that you could make fight the devil yeah yeah exactly Which is what I always did.

Yeah, it's like if you had the devil in your skeleton. Well, that's pretty scary. Yeah. I'm afraid of the devil. Why? He's got a big red ass. His horns look sharp, dude. He's got a big bouncy red ass.

He's got to bounce it on me, dude. I'm afraid the devil's going to fart and is going to have a little bit of fire. He's got two giant Super Bowls back there. He's going to hit my head with him like a jackhammer. Do you think the devil has a big penis or a small penis? It's small but smart. The arrow tail is his penis. It just goes backwards.

because he's the devil. Yeah. Everything's backwards on this guy. Yeah. Yeah. His legs? Because he's got goat legs. Yeah. Those go backwards.

Sense of right and wrong. That's right. That's right. I don't know. I hate that devil. I guess that would be my biggest fear with committing suicide is just knowing you go to hell. Yeah. You always go to hell.

What if you go to like... What if you get to hang out in the... What if you don't go to hell? That was the funniest thing. Like, growing up, like, super Christian is anytime someone in our town, like, killed themselves like a friend's like parent or whatever my mom be like oh that's so sad especially that they're in hell now that's like the saddest part yeah that rules yeah just a family that's like irreparably broken forever and he's like I'm so sorry that your dad chose to go to hell

I'm so sorry I decided to punch his ticket to hell really yeah your dad went down the highway to hell I'm so sorry you went down I 40 until he got to hell uh oh my god perfect timing number seven it is a serious sin. Mm-hmm. That's right. Yeah. I don't know if it is. It's not. No, it's actually, it's cool.

Yeah, it's just you want to get closer to God. Exactly. But you don't get closer to God. You do get closer to God. I don't really know what the biblical argument for it being a sin is. It's because you're supposed to die when God tells you. What if God is telling you through the radio, tell yourself right now, I'm God. That's true.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's taking God's will into your own hands. Yeah. But you're supposed to, like, if somebody gets cancer or if somebody gets anything like that, it's God. That's God's plan.

I know God has a plan, but Chopo Trap House is telling me to do something completely different. Yeah, they're sending mixed signals here. You want me to fucking vote, or do you want me to kill myself? Yeah. And what am I, and what do I do when I get the C4 on the bus? Yeah. I'm waiting, yeah, sorry, I'm not going to make it to the party. I'm waiting to midnight for the new chop-up episode to come out, so I get my new instructions.

We're just kidding. Yeah, nothing's happening. We're not. Number eight. Wait, one of the comments here says, I'm baptized and I want to go to heaven, but I would go to hell instead. That's not. I would just do it. Yeah, I would go to hell.

I don't want to, but I would. Coolest, the coolest people are in hell, dude. Yeah. The pedophiles, the, uh... Ray Romano. Ray Romano. Uh, all of Caleb's friends' dads. All my friends' dads, you killed themselves.

Or had cancer, got shot in drug deals. They're all in hell. Pretty cool, dude. Every dad goes to hell. The one who had cancer, here's... This is pretty cool. He used to eat a potato every day like an apple. Yeah?

Yeah. Like a baked potato or like a plain potato? He thought it would cure his cancer, and he died way faster. Yeah. They started growing a potato. Then he got potato cancer. Yeah.

Yeah. Potato started growing in his brain. Yeah. The eyes and stuff started growing up. Number eight, because they could listen to some brutal metal songs to let out their anger. But doesn't the brutal metal tell you to kill yourself? Yeah. Isn't that the whole argument about Judas Priest?

Also, like, it's definitely, yeah, the kids who want to commit suicide, the people want to commit suicide, they're angry. That's the problem. They're really mad. I'm so stinking, man. I could kill myself. Yeah. I'm so mad. I could sit in my car for an hour and leave it running.

Yeah. It's one of the most angry acts you could ever do. That carnitasada took me out. Yeah? Yeah. You just had a Yerba Mata, brother. I had a Yerba Mata and I took a nap. Yeah.

You had a, you're so, so gay. Come on. Let's fucking go, yeah. I, yeah. You have a weak mind. I do. I've been getting. I'm getting tired a lot recently.

I didn't mean that. I'm getting tired a lot recently. I'm worried it's cancer. You think it's cancer? It would be funny if it was. Yeah. Yeah, just the worst. Yeah, it would be funny if you had cancer.

It would be very funny to me. Maybe get those Patreon numbers up, though. Right. Oh, oh, my God. Patrick, what's that? Oh, my God. It's literally growing. Dude.

I think the only thing that'll change it, I mean, let's just say $20,000. a month, right? I mean, that's how much cancer. Here's the problem. Healthcare in this country is so fucked. But telethons have been going down, and we need to... Look, the problem is that there's not enough telethons, I think.

Yeah. I think we could fix health care immediately if we should start having telethons. We should just do a... Instead of a Patreon, we do a daily telethon. But the telethon... We don't even do the podcast anymore. We just do a telethon every day. Let's just become, like, megachurch.

guys. Yeah. Easy. Oh, that fucking, that guy. Yeah, he just stood there and laughed. That was so sick. Have you seen that video? Media says Joe Biden's president. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. He just does that for like two full minutes. Dude, whenever

pastors got political growing up, it was so fucking sick, dude. Dude, our pastor would be like, be like, you know, one of the... I thought you're talking about TV pastors. No, no, like in my church. Yeah. It'd be like, and the election's coming up this week. And just remember, I mean, The candidates, whoever you're choosing to support, one of them is, you know, very possibly a vehicle for Satan to move through, and the other's Mitt Romney.

But whichever one you choose to support, I trust that God's helping you make that decision. They're like, dude, fucking swag, dude. I can't imagine being like an evangelical wanting to vote for a Mormon. Dude, it was the worst decision they've ever had to make. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like everybody, all evangelicals think Catholics and Mormons. and Jews, and anybody who's just a different version of them is going to hell.

Yeah. And so they were like, yeah, they're going on. We got to vote for a woman. I don't think a Mormon could ever hold office. No, do you think that Mitt Romney has held a lot of offices? I mean, the office of the president. Oh, okay. Was that?

Because then we would all, yeah, can't swear, and we would all have to wear those pajamas and those underwear. I don't think he would make Mormonism the state religion. He would. Think so? That'd be sick if we got a Mormon president and he, like, immediately. Just kills us. Native Americans. Just, like, diverted a bunch of money into NASA, and we're like, we're going to find

Kolob. We're going to go to the throne. We wish to help in my first second and third ladies. Dude, it's crazy how much Mormons hate Native Americans. Oh, yeah. That's a pretty, that's a big green. And black people, too, dude. That shows you get to, yeah.

They say they hated black people are like the 70s. They only recent, yeah, they only, like, in the past, like, few decades of let black people. Yeah, there's, like, old, like, Mormon, like, educational film strips where it's, like, they turn, like, like, a black person. and white, they're like, I'm here. It's so crazy. Oh, yeah, that's what, they say that, like, black people are, like, if you, if you sinned in a past life, you, like, reincarnate as a black person. Mormonism.

They're, like, they're, like, they're, like, they're like, they're like, they're exactly like Islam. Well, they have, like, like, an Ayatollah kind of person. Yeah, Joseph Smith. Who talks to, no, no, they have, like, like, the current president of the Mormon church. Supposedly he's still getting information from God. Yeah, and they, they, like, they do the same, like, they send all the same sermons to to every church.

Like, they all do the same shit. It's wild, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Mormonism is crazy. Yeah. So sick. I know they have, like, a pole on, like, or, like, something that's supposed to face a certain place.

So maybe it just, it just advanced Islam. Yeah, dude. It's white Islam. Yeah. And they have that shit where if you die, you reincarnate as a planet and all your wives live on you as slaves. Yeah. That's one of their beliefs, dude. And the celestial kingdom.

Yeah. We spent some time on Wikipedia tonight. Tell you that much. It's really sick, dude. Yeah, they have a bunch of planet. They believe in planets. Yeah. Psychos.

Yeah. Pieces of shit. Such a weird fucking... And they're too polite. Well, that's the other thing, is they're like the nicest people in the world. Yeah. Most polite people on earth.

Yeah. And funny and hot. And really smart. Yeah. And correct. Mm-hmm. And I'm converting next week. One of the Mormon kids I knew in high school,

instead of swearing, he would go, so he would just always go, what the? Didn't Mitt Romney live in your town? Yeah. Yeah. Mitt Romney was going to hold The governor of Massachusetts?

Was he? I don't know. I think so. I think he was something. He has a house. One of his, like, grandchildren or like some, like, some relation went to my high school, like a few years off of me. Yeah. That's bizarre, man.

It's weird that guy being involved in Massachusetts. He was going to hold a victory party in my town, but then he, uh, he didn't. Yeah, I think he was the Massachusetts governor or like one of the senators or some shit. Yeah, I don't fucking know, I don't keep track of shit like that. That was where the, the, his, like, Romney, the, like, Massachusetts. health thing like Romney started that as like and that's he got so owned for being like the creator of Obamacare or whatever from like the right yeah pretty sick dude's nuts yeah he's a beast he's I mean he's a sexy beast yeah yeah number nine because they want to see

where life takes them yeah yeah yeah life has led me to Mormonism yeah I don't care where it takes me as long as I just uh um when I was in in Edinburgh of visiting Aaron he went to Mormon church one morning because he was like it's just like he was like yeah I want to see if they can convince me oh yeah you were telling me about that like we like we started going that we like he was like come on you should come with him I'm going to go to Mormon church and we were like okay and it was like pouring out and we like went to we couldn't find it yeah and then like me and Leo were just like oh fuck this we're just going to go like to a cafe and Aaron's like nope I'm I'm going to find this place and he just went to the Mormon church a lot of

I was like maybe I was maybe one full month off of converting to Judaism in high school I had a Jewish girlfriend who I would go to a temple with her and I was like this fucking rules dude it was like people are dancing and they're blowing like a fucking horn and shit and I was like this is beast yeah yeah and then she was a she was a whore which will really that yeah so that change my opinion on that religion forever. I do this weird thing where I let one person decide for the whole group of people. Number 10 because they fear death. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Number 11 because they are famous. No famous person has ever killed themselves. I was like, nah. Yeah, man, I'm famous. I'm fucking famous. I can fuck anybody I want, dude.

I can go down the street and start fucking. Fuck this I'll just do all these drugs at the same time instead Yeah Yeah That's what they end up doing Then you end up with like my man juice world Or my man little peep

Can you imagine just yeah Jumping off a building And then being in midair being like Oh shit Wait I'm famous Oh man Because people are recognizing you as you fall They're pointing out the window

Oh shit! That's Jim Morrison It's Eric Clapton's son why is he killing himself he's the most famous kid in the world he's got so much to do he's got so much to live for he has that great song that's being written about him right now what if uh what Eric Clapton was writing tears in heaven wrote the song and he was like oh I need something for this to be about or he was writing it and then his kid like he was writing it on the balcony and his son like crawled up to him and started like he hit like

he hit the string on his guitar just pushed him out the window Oh shit, what did I just do? Wait, oh, man. Or it was like, because his kid was like a baby and he's slowly crawling from the living room into the window to fall out. And Eric's like, oh my God, no, he's going to fall out the window. I should write a song about this.

He finishes it as he falls out. Eric Clapton was like really stuck on writing the lyrics for his song. My son is alive when suddenly. Writer's block cured. Number 12, because they're stupid. I would love to kill myself, but I'm just so goddamn stupid. I'm so stupid. I don't even know.

I'm so stinking, stupid. I can't even kill myself right. I got this bucket on my head. I can't get it off. Oh. Yeah. Number 13, because it may fail. Yeah, and if it fails, then you're a failure, and you'll just want to kill yourself.

Shoot for the moon, even if you fail your land among the stars. I don't think there's any stars between us and the moon. But if you miss, you keep going. Oh, that's a good point. Stupid. So you're not falling short. You're overshooting it. You just miss.

I didn't say fall short. Shoot for the moon because if you miss, you're going to just keep going. If you miss, you could maybe go to another planet's moon. I think that might be in the way. That's the scariest. That's so, like, indicative of afraid I am of just, like, being bored is that the scariest way to die to me is like you're in a space suit and like you can you can live for a while but you're just like floating through space forever no books

no video games for me i think the scariest way to die would be if a dracula jump out mhm sorry uh number these are number 14 they some of them are just repeating they don't want to rot in the ground what this are you guys going to get cremated cremated cremated maybe Yeah. I'm going to get remakeded. They're going to make my body new again. Yeah. You're going to put you in a new suit.

I'm going to get cream pied. Cream, hey. I mean, I think this is a typo. We're supposed to take him to the cream pitorian? As your mother's lawyer, you have to go through with her every last dying wish. So look, it says she was of sound mind when she wrote this. So someone's Edda after cream pot.

I'm not saying it's one of the kids but somebody's going to have to do it. Look, all right, fine, I'll do it. She was a sound mind and fat ass. If no one around here. She was a sound mind and wet ass pussy dude. I'm fucking getting in that bitch.

No, she's dead. She would just get burned up into ashes, okay? She wouldn't. But she wanted to be cremated and then cream-pied. And then turned into like sort of a, like when you hawkalooie into sand.

That kind of that kind of Consistency? Like a ball? This is Moonsand. That's how you make Moonsan. You see that there? Every container of moon sand has a mother's soul inside it that makes it stay together. You see that kind of lumpy?

The strongest thing in the world. The strongest thing in the world is a dead mother's soul who is cream pied and then burned to a criss. You see that lumpy kind of clay-ish textured mound on the mantle? That's your grandma. And it's also some of her boyfriend, Ricardo. He's in there, too, quite a bit. Yeah, you see that, you see that, that, um, that crumpled Playboy magazine with gray stains on it. Yep, that's your mom.

That's grandma. Number 17, because they are rich. If I was rich, I think I would just kill myself in the richest way possible. Which is? Choking on caviar. It's true. I would say choking on platinum. If you're, like, really rich, you might as well hire a hitman on yourself.

Like that's like... You could hire a hitman and you have to try and you can spend like the rest of your life trying to escape him. Yeah. You know?

And give him like a billion dollars. Yeah. And then just have him, you know, he'll get you eventually. Do you think... I really hope that they've had, that there's been a thing in the past

where a guy tries to hire two hit men to kill each other and just like watches it play out. Like I really hope that's actually happened. You know what I mean? You're gonna love this movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah.

I just mean I hope that's happened. They had to make a rule in the... Well, all the hitmen know each other. You know, it's like, it's like plumbers. Yeah. Yeah. You know, they're on a union. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. They're all in big fucking, overalls and local 66 and fucking. Yeah. I've been a fucking hitman since like, 72 or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing this for a while. And you think there's like hit men scabs? Yeah.

They're like kind of they fuck it up every time. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing this for a couple years. My father did it. Uh, he fucking, he died. accidentally joking on ricin. That's just the Freemasons now. Yeah, that's what you're talking about now.

Yeah. God damn, you Freemasons. Those guys are freaks. Having the, in Boston, having the Freemasons building next to the homeless shelter is a really poor city planning. Yeah, and then they make the, and then they make, yeah, true, they're just farming those guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just practicing on them, you know. They just fucking, they did pick me. The Freemasons just pick up homeless guys Like from the alley outside of the shelter Like how people pick up like grease from McDonald's To power like a car No the I got I got confronted for wearing

I think I've talked about this But I got confronted in front of the Freemason building Because I was wearing a crampus sweater And it was a man who was like very clearly schizophrenic Saw the crampus shirt Freemason thing pointed at me And asked me about Baphimit And I was like

Hey, man, that's a Christmas sweater. Yeah. It was very weird situation. I miss all those guys, too. I miss all my homies from the old hood. Real shit. Yeah. All right.

And finally, death is depressing. No, we're not here. This episode was depressing. For Patrick, I guess. Patrick seems to have a real sensitivity of suicide. I just wasn't aware of it. Yeah, I've not been depressed once this episode. We didn't even say anything bad.

It's just the word suicide is depressing. I think you're just full. Yeah. I think that Venezuelan food is a, yeah, I'm already. You had depressed from fucking Karnay Asada. Whoops. You know what Karnay Asada translates to in English? Day of the Dead.

Yeah. Which is really sad. Yeah. One of the saddest days. Yeah. All right, I have to go pee, beep, peep, poop. Yeah, we got to plug all the stuff. What?

The Patreon, the Minecraft server. Oh, yeah, listen to the Patreon and listen to the Minecraft server. And the Discord and the T-shirt and the Twitch stream. And the Twitch stream. And Cameron. Patrick's asshole. What?