Podcast About List - Ep. 134 - Order Up

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

big news today. very exciting stuff. make sure to subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All the Counts to the Monoliths. You're a crap monster. There it is. That's how they used to start Power Rangers in space is five, five, five, I think. It's too scary for me when they put beloved characters in space. How they go and breathe? Yeah.

Lepricon in space? I don't think so. There's no rainbows up there. Yeah. There's no gold. in space? He can breathe in space because he's magic. Oh, never mind. He's... Okay, he's not... A lepracons in magic,

he's short. Exactly. Oh, no, they do count it down in the... They don't say 5-5-5. I just assume they just said 5-5. I think one of them, I think when they're... Because they have, like, their... You're thinking of phone numbers from movies. Maybe, but I think their wrists, some of them do 5-5-5.

I don't remember. I haven't seen it in a long time. I got Power Rangers on the brain. Who I? he defeated a big... No, I found a Zord in my backyard. Did you defeat him? No. Why would I defeat it?

I don't know what a Zord is. Zoids. You remember Zoids? Zoids is one of the best shows of all time, dude. I never watched Zoids, but I had a, I had a game for it, for a Game Boy Advance. Zoids was the ultimate Tuna Mishu. Oh, yeah, that's why I didn't see it. I hated Tunei, dude?

No, no, I hated Tunami. I liked to Dund Swim better. Because it wasn't some funny bull crap about... Yeah, no, it wasn't. No, you know, the only one. I didn't have Meatwad in it. Yeah. The only thing I liked on Tunami was Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo.

That has to be the most racist show of all time, right? Is it? Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo, the Japanese show about a guy who uses his afro to defeat enemies. Look, I was like in third grade. Look at the drawing of Bobo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo and Tell me to Dets. I... Okay, let me one second. I never watched that.

I remember hearing my friend described that show to me and being like, What the hell? It's called Boba Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo? And he has a friend who's the son. What do you mean? Yeah, uh... And he's got a cabbage friend? I think if you listen to his voice, you start to...

Well, in the localization, maybe. Yeah, maybe the localization. It has to be even worse than Japanese, we just don't know. Yeah. Yeah. That could be true. He does have a very funny mustache. Hey, Boba, Bo Bo, I'll give you this much.

Funny mustache, brother. Mm-hmm. We're not brother. Whoops. Why did you call them that? Yeah. Um, they tricked me. I have, like, I have again been tripped, tripped by a Japanese television show.

And it's saying brother. Well, this is, this is Japan, Japanese television month. Is it? Yeah, for us. That's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you fucking know it, dude.

Um, oh, we, big news. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, huge news. We got this, we got a really big sponsorship. Mm-hmm.

And we can't, like, legal stuff, we can't talk about it yet, but just, you know, keep your eyes open because we're going to be working with some big stuff. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Yeah. Stay tuned. Yeah, stay tuned. Stay tuned. You're going to want to, you're going to like it.

You're going to want to miss this. You're not. No. You're not going to want to miss this. Not. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to want to miss this next episode, not. Got your ass.

Yeah, no, it's basically going to change everything for us. Money-wise, we can't disclose an exact number, but substantial. We'll say that much. We're making a lot of money off us. Even for us, this might be too big. Might be too much money. Yeah. I mean, we're small enough that this is, like, going to push us.

it's going to put it's going to have enough money to like pay a scientist to correct his sleep cycle artificially and it's going to ruin the podcast forever yeah that kind of deal yeah well doctor doctor dr melatonin yeah he's gonna put a bunch of blue zes in your mouth that you can't ask you like hey like doc like i can't ever sleep there i think there's something wrong with me just like hey have you tried not using your phone and patrick's like oh yeah that's why i got these blue light blightly blockers glasses you have blue light blocker glasses i was thinking of getting those but but then someone told me that you can just set your monitor to a different color temperature and it yeah there's like there's one built into the iPhone yeah it's called night shift yeah i see i knew about the night shift i didn't know that that it was just this what blue blockers did yeah i have it on all the time so i that's why i fall asleep everywhere well i had it on my laptop for a while but it would go it would like glitch out and i'll be watching movies and it would just change everything to like insane colors a bunch of the time yeah it does change that's what i love about it is i'll

like have it on when i play a game late at night and i just can't see anything because everything's just orange right yeah but it'll also do shit where like suddenly like one thing on the screen like turns bright green for no reason i feel like i'm in a sunny d commercial and i'm just like playing ballerent it's fucking rules dude but i can fall asleep instantly dude texting while driving Just knock out. Phone doesn't keep me up. You know? Damn.

Does it night shit? Night shit? I turned on night shit on my phone. Yeah, now my phone's capable of doing night shit. Well, it keeps you from using your phone at night because it makes it smell like a dog shit. And you keep put it in the other room. Smells and feels. It's kind of a, that's kind of a genius idea, dude.

Turn my phone into shit. Just make your phone smell like shit so you don't want to like have it in your hands and look at it all the time. and have it like close to your face you get like a phone call and you're like pinching it between your fingers you're like this yeah yeah hello

yeah you have to hold it at arms yeah you're like how wow I've got Squidward on the line no I was not Squidward I was pinching my nose due to the smell of my phone I didn't smell like Squidward I didn't smell like Squidward

Imagine what Squidward smells like though Fucking Octopus dude Have you ever smelled Calamari Well, that's a pig's asshole I learned Oh, yeah? Yeah It's not actually an octopus Something like, some insane

I don't think either of you are right Something, some insane like percentage of Calamari sold in the United States Is like actually a pig's asshole All right, but not if you buy it from But not if you buy it from a giant octopus Yeah, Mon Calamari I get it shipped from Australia

Well, they Then it's a kangaroo's asshole True. They don't have assholes at all. I think we've talked about it before, but I would, would you eat a kangaroo? We talk about it like fucking every week, dude. It's true. About kangaroo things.

Yeah, anytime kangaroos come up, I'm like, would I eat that? Why are you want to eat a kangaroo so bad, dude? I don't know if I want to. It's not a fatty, delicious. It's not like a wag-you kangaroo. You don't know that. You're right. I don't know what I'm talking about.

There's no wagaroos, dude. Come on. They could have, they could be breeding. fat kangaroos in Australia. They could be breeding a dessert kangaroo. That'd be so cool, dude, a dessert kangaroo. Yeah. Yeah, the way you get that is you put candy in its pouch. It's kind of like...

You put candy in the pouch and it absorbs it into its body. It's kind of like intramuscular frosting. It's kind of like Pokemon where if like it's holding something or it has something in its pouch, once it evolves, once it evolves, it turns into that. So if you put a bunch of candy

in its pouch, you'll get a candy candy roux. A candy roux. If you put Isn't a candiru that fish that crawls up your pee hole? Is that it? Is that the name of it? That's what it's called. That's got to be the biggest, like, discrepancy between name and thing that it does of all time. Oh, yeah.

I think that is. It's called a candy roo. Did I want a candy roux? Also known as a Keniero, a toothpick fish, or a vampire fish. Does it give you sweet pee? No, it goes up, it can swim up your peas. I've talked about it before. It can swim up your pee stream, and then it gets in the hole in your meatus.

It goes through the meiatus into the earus. I could not swim up my P-stream. It could. No, it could. You should see. You got a lazy stream. You should see my fucking stream, dude. Your stream goes inwards.

No. Yeah. My stream... You suck water up out of the toilet with it. No. My stream is like a, it's like a, uh, uh, like shooting a hole in an airplane. Everything's just fucking flying out. Maximum velocity.

Blood. Blood. Piss. Shit. Everything. Little, yeah. The fishes that have climbed up there previously. bones

When that thing gets stuck up there though It's got like I think it's like something It's gills or something It's got like spikes on the side of it Yeah so you can't pull it out Yeah so if you pull it out You're bleeding out your thing

That would feel good to me Yeah Yeah it's ribbed for my pleasure dude I want that fish in my wiener Asap You think there's guys who are into sounding That have gone to like rivers There's guys who are into everybody

No no you did Let me finish Okay You think there's guys that are into sounding That go to the river in Peru just to pee in the stream with the hopes that a toothpick fish swims up. Yes.

Yeah. Those guys, yeah, there is a guy who thinks that the candy roue is, it's not called a candy roux. It's called the candy roo. It's called the candy roo. C-N-D-I-R-U. But not candy space room. I'm reading this article about, on BBC,

about how, about just like whether it's a myth or not what they do. And listen to this. This is a, this is a quote from the 19th century. when they discovered it. Okay. The candiru is very small, but uniquely occupied in doing evil. It's a fish that only knows evil and pain.

The German botanist Carl Frederick Philippe von Mardius was the first European to document candirus in the Amazon. He described how local men tied their urethra shut when spending time around the water. I think I'm safe. Yeah, you live in America. And you don't even take baths. If I go...

You take that, okay, baby. If I go to Peru, if I go to Peru and I pee in a stream, I can just get a clamp, put it on my, put it on my F skin. Okay, but listen to this, though. This is where, this is why that wouldn't work. Why? I'll just pee the cup. The authors mostly focus on the vulnerability of penises to attack,

perhaps because they themselves are all men. But many emphasize that the fish do not discriminate and will happily enter a convenient vagina or anus. Oh, my God. So if you're peeing out your butt, if you're peeing out your butt off the side of a boat, it can jump up in your thing. Do you have to walk in all fucking corked up like SpongeBob when he has a suds, just trying to not get a fucking candy ruin my... Just don't swim. Just don't go in the water.

What is wrong with you, do you don't fucking swim in Peru. When in Peru, I guess I have to swim. The rivers are so famous for how beautiful the water is. Oh, dude, this sucks so much. I have to put a big, I have to put a, a... big cork in my weaner and I have to tie my butthole shy. Yeah, sometimes it's worth it, even though the water's infested with wiener demons. I'm just going to swim in it anyway. Trust me, trust me. It's like floating in the dead sea, except, you know, instead of all the

things that are cool about the dead sea, it makes you, it gives you a dead pee. There's an actual evil fish. Yeah. Yeah. A fish that the BBC describes as evil. I thought Pirano would be the most evil fish. No, because they just eat stuff. They don't... I want a candiru's, they're like little centibites, dude. They're trying to pleasure you and pain you at the same time. I want it to climb in my ass halfway,

and then I become like a Peruvian version of Tanuki Mario. Well, if you take... And I can use it like a tail, and I can swim. I can fly. I can fly. If you poop while a candy roos in your butt, Does it, does you think it just eats it? It eats all the poop, yeah.

Well, there's, that's how evil they are. They're so evil they like poop. It's like Pokemon, again, where there's a male and female version that are different, and one of them meets pee, and one of them meets poo. Oh, okay. And it's if you use a pea stone on one, or if you use a poo stone. And you don't want it to evolve in your ass. It's exactly like Pokemon in that, it's like slowbro.

Exactly, yeah. You evolve into a sounding freak. Yeah, it's like slowbrough and Pokemon snap. You have to, like, put an apple in front of somebody, so they put their butt in front of the water. I would be fooling people all the time as a... Here's what you do. As a tour guide?

You're a tour guide, and your brother is a penis doctor. Right? And then you kind of get this... Get this grift. going where you are like, oh yeah, this is the fucking swagest river in all of Peru, dude. You have to check it out. And then when they come out, they're like, my weenie hurts. I think there's, I think the devil's in my weenie.

You say, you know, my brother can exercise any penis demon. He lives down the street and he charges $2. Yeah. You can really get the tourist in there. Yeah. It's genius. Yeah. And then he sucks it out with a straw.

Why are those little fish in there looking at me get undressed and smiling? Yeah. I'd just be like, oh, they like you. They're very friendly fish. Yeah, why are they arranged like a school of piranhas, but only when I unzip my life? Why is that face licking its lips when it sees me peeing in a bush?

Yeah, why are they forming together like a giant smiley face, licking its lips? Gee, I don't know. Again, my brother is right down the street. Go look for him. Yeah, you should dive through the mouth. Here, yeah, this is a coupon.

that I have. It says penis demon removal. Yeah, what does this sign mean? It's like, there's a little, like, stick man grabbing a red crotch. It's sucking a fish out of the guy. That's how he gets about.

Yeah, oh, yeah, that's, it's trying to warn you of all the prostitutes around this river. He used to be a fluffer on porn sets, but then he moved to Peru and he's making a kid. Sucking fucking fish out of people's weeders. He sucks the demon, the penis demon right out of you. Yeah. Man, can you imagine just the pure suction that has to happen on your penis to get a fish out of it?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Especially one that's, like, ribbed. I can't get a pee out of my wiener if it's stuck in my prostate. One guy keeps coming back to the clinic, like, every day. Another fish stuck in my penis. I think I have a fish in there. Oh, no.

Yeah. Michael, that's a goldfish, okay? You can't. I think I have a fish in my penis. Raymond, I'm stuck in the penis, Stephen Glick. Raymond, I'm stuck in your penis. Oh, I swim up your pea stream, Raymond. That would be a terrifying new version of, honey, I shrunk the kids.

I shrunk myself and I went up your penis. Yeah, a fish that's inside your penis. It's kind of like an osmosis Jones movie, though, you know? That's what the fish. The fish to be, yeah. Rock. I don't know. You know, I'm just spitballing here.

Fish rock. Who would be the Kelsey Grammar character? What would that, like the Dricks? That would be the doctor's tongue that slides down the penis hole, yeah. And it has to grab the fish. That's voiced by Oprah Winfrey. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Let's build out this. Let's expand this cast. Okay. Bill Murray reprises his role from Osmond. Mrs. Jones. I think there should be different. There should also be different, like, doctors to use, like, different techniques.

Like, I think we could have, like, you know, there's the guy who just sucks it out, but then maybe, like, we could have Sam Elliott as, like, kind of a cowboy doctor and uses a lasso to pull it out. Yeah, that's a really good idea. He's got, like, well, and he makes a dental floss lasso. You got a fish in that layer picker. He got to make a lasso at a dental floss, and he just perfectly bullseized it through. And then he's, and then he, or he sucks it out, and then he spits it.

into a spatoon right well yeah that'll be about that'll be 80 pesos yeah yeah yeah dude I think a cowboy doctor is a good idea Brian Cranston could kind of play like the straight doctor because I need more Brian Cranston it's been a while since he did something we could have like um you know maybe Mickey Rooney could play like a samurai that's like that's a pretty good idea yeah samurai doctor and he does a thing where he like runs back and forth, and then the fish falls out in, like, a bunch of pieces. That's a really good idea. We could have Creed from the movie Creed.

Yeah. He's a boxing doctor. And he could punch it out. Uh-huh. He punches out the nuts. He punches his ass. He does a speedback thing on his nuts. And it creates so much pressure that it shoots out the fish.

Just weiner throws up in it. Oh, that's so smart, actually. Uh-huh. Yeah. How did they actually get them out? We could have, like, a robot doctor, like Chappie. Yeah. Yeah, Chappie could make another appearance.

Candy Rue removed. D-Anwar, too. Of course. You can't have one with that the other, dude. Oh, here's a video. Of sucking it out? No, it's somebody getting it's candy re-removal. The video contains graphic images.

I don't think so. There's no way. Yeah. Maybe you blow into the pee hole when it comes out the butt. Oh, they have like a, oh, man. They got a little camera on a device, and they have to. Oh. I think the camera is the device.

Oh. Oh, man. Why are you rubbing your hands together? Like bird man. Oh, this is so gross. This is not going to make me act up. Why are you cocking one eyebrow? Oh, dude, this is so gross.

Yo, that's the nastiest shit I've ever seen. Oh. Damn. Here's another video. Stephen Fry horrified by Candy Roofish. Yeah, he's horrified. He's screaming into his penis hole. Yeah.

What a horrifying, what a horrifying country. I would never go to Peru now. Yeah. Yeah. Just because of that? Yeah, dude, I don't want to risk it. Yeah. Yeah.

Because what if you want, you know, if you're in Peru, I mean, it's in South America. It's under the equator. Yeah. You know, it's hot. It's too hot. I'll go. You got to go swimming. It's hot.

Exactly. Yeah, you got to cool off some way, but I'm not going to trust any source of water in Peru now. Yeah. I've changed my whole mind on Peru. I used to be so pro-Peru until. fucking two minutes ago. Now I found out they have devils in the water. They used to call me Peru stew.

And then now you will, I won't be caught dead in Peru. It's not a million years, dude. Not in a trillion years. Not in a hundred billion years. Do we have an ad read coming up? Our first ad read? Oh yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Dude, so we're doing ads now on the podcast. This is our first one. Yeah. Going to be doing a couple of them. I mean, it's not an ad read, though. It's more, we're just talking. Yeah, you're right.

What you said. Yeah, you're right. My bet. I can't really, yeah. All right. So, anyway, just to continue the conversation we're having. Yeah. Yeah.

The guac is extra. If you recognize this quote, you might be a little extra yourself because you're probably a Chipotle fan like me. If you've read any of their hilarious bags or receipts, you know they love humor just like we do a podcast about list, right guys? Absolutely. Oh, man. There's nothing like a big ball of beans and a tortilla with meats, cheeses, to boot.

That's right. It's the burritos for me. It's the way they make me say brorito for me. And I know what you're thinking. Doesn't Chipotle give you E. coli the deadly poop germ? Well, we at Chipotle, me at Podcasts About List, I like to say that there's no such thing as bad press. That's right. When you press your giant burrito sized and shaped in flavor poop out of your poop hole, it's not going to be bad.

This ain't no Taco Bell, where it makes your hole on fire, like the ring a lion jumps through in the circus or a motorcycle could jump through it, too. Chipotle is the real authentic deal, and it hasn't had a wayfair-type scandal where they use menu items as a cover-up for selling abducted orphans. Note, remove the previous sentence if Bohemian Grove Catering connection has hit the news by the time you do this ad read. Note two. Don't read notes out loud there for your eyes only. So use podcast about lists.

Special code P-A-T-R-I-C-K-P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E for one free bean. And remember, if the chips give you diarrhea, it's Mexican people's fault for making tortillas too spicy, and it has nothing to do with our traveling beef chef, Stuart Poop Glove Jackson. That's not the code. That is the code. I hear out, wait, let me order something real quick on Grubhub. No, the code was, the code was pal 20. I don't, I'm looking at the same.

That's not what we got. Did we change the code? We didn't change it. I think they got some news and they changed it. They may have done some investigation. Oh yeah, it says right here. It says we hired a private eye to verify the coupon code. No, it says that they followed you around.

They confirmed the coupon code. Anyway, I don't even know what you guys are talking about because nobody sent us this. Oh, yeah, that's facts. that wasn't the code what code we're just having a conversation here i know but we're having a conversation about the fucking code now because that was not the code

i just read out what i thought in my brain yeah yeah and you said a different code i can show you my email uh what email this is just a conversation i can show you my thoughts he wrote all his thoughts in an email yeah wait let me pull them up for you Yep, it says right here, P-A-T, I don't know what the spells, by the way, R-I-C-K, P-A-L-20.

No, it's just one of those, like, nonsense codes, you know? No, it's like, it's not a random string of letters. It's one of those nonsense code, like, P-A-T-R-I-C-R-A-P-I-S-T. That's not it, no. It's just like another one of those random codes like that. No. No. No.

Just come up with random codes. I don't like the code. Well, it doesn't matter. Then don't use it. Yeah, dude, if you don't like discounts, that's on you. but it's not no those aren't the codes okay all right man they are the codes okay they're not the no let's just move on to the list yeah let's we we'll just move on to the list it's fine yeah what's the list this week i don't care somebody send it to me you you care come on no today's

list uh that we selected uh for our podcast yeah is the 14 things you need to stop doing a chippoit according to a Chipotle employee. I was going to send you guys this list. This is like the funniest shit ever. I know. It's, yeah, I almost sent it to it, but I was reading it. I was reading it before and I was like, they were going to love this. I printed it out like a book and I just read it in my off time.

I mean, honestly, relationship goals. Absolutely, dude. And squad goals too. Yeah, you know what? I'm in a relationship with Chipotle. Brerito. Are you serious? Mm-hmm.

We should get that on a shirt. Wait. Way. No. Did you know that they actually have, like, sustainably sourced bags at Chipotle? Just like a random fact I learned the other day. Oh, yeah.

I was watching the Discovery Channel or something, and they said it there. Yeah, I saw. I think I actually learned that in college. I was talking to, I was talking to somebody yesterday, and they told me that all the chicken at Chipotle's is a sustainably sourced, and it's all free range, too.

Yeah, they said they have substantially sourced beef there, too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's all grass-fed cows. I heard the water machines don't use slaves to crank it from behind the wall. There's not a little Coca-Cola slave in every freestyle machine who has to do hip-hop dancing to create all the drinks. Yeah, one of my friends told me that machines are never broken. They're never broken.

It's, I mean, it's kind of amazing. It's just like a weird fact that I learned for no reason, though. I didn't even learn it. It just kind of knew it could tell or whatever. Yeah, you can just be respectful. They, like, clearly have that kind of vibe, that, like, corporate culture vibe that you, like, kind of want to latch on to and be like, oh, this is actually goals. And you guys know I'm a music fan, and the music that they play at the restaurant is always so good. Yeah.

I love the design of their stools and tables, too. And they always get to sit wherever I want, either at, whether it's behind a person or in front of a person or next to somebody, make a new friend. Yeah, and I love their boho vibe that they give off with their different things. and boho stands for burrito hill huge yeah it's really something the way that they they kind of like they shine a light on lesser known creators by putting aztec art on the wall that's true yeah shout out the minds not many people know about the aztecs and the and the bags

oh my god i can't get enough of these weeks we could fill a whole episode about the bag yeah we could oh my god there's some of the celebrities that they get to write these stories and the handles they're just comfortable and i've actually been using the bags to pick up my groceries Yeah? People say, hey, would you like a bag or did you bring your own? I say, does this answer your question? Here's a Chipotle bag with a Jennifer Lawrence quote. Same with the tinfoil bowls that they put the bowls in.

Yeah, I mean, you can clean those out. And it's good because those are compostable. That's true. Everything there is sustainentially sourced. Including the employees. Mm-hmm. They all get them from prison. Yeah.

And that's sustainable because you're bringing them back into society, and they become basically like your friends behind the counter. And that's facts, dude. Let me just read the intro to this list really quick. I know we're having, like, a normal conversation, but we just have to, like, kick it off sometimes. You know, even, like, no matter how much we love stuff, we just have to get to the worst stuff. Yeah, sometimes we just get so lost in our casual conversations. Absolutely.

Everyone loves Chipotle. Seriously, Chipotle is like everything. So for the life of me, I can't figure out why, oh, why, some people in the world can't just be nice and make life easier for the people that hold our collective burrito destiny in their very hands. It's like they've fucking read my diary. It's like they read it. So in the spirit of all that is holy guacamole, wow. Oh, my God. I implore you to stop doing these things that make Chipotle employees hate you.

I spoke with my best friend, who just so happens to work at Chiple, as well as several ladies in my neighborhood. Ooh, Casanova. To gather the facts. Oh, it's a woman that were... Ships in South Sanova. Several ladies. That, you know, I've also... I've been talking to several ladies in my neighborhood about Chipotle as well.

Yeah, me too. And not everybody wants me to spread the gospel. Yeah. I have to say, lots of people are very hostile when I approach them. Yeah. Hey, ma'am, excuse me. Yeah, in the middle of the night, I walk up to women on the street. Chipotle now has queso.

They love it, though. Do you want to read this bag with me? That's what I say. Yeah. Do you want to read the cups? I mean, it's kind of like it's better than any book I've read. Definitely. Absolutely.

When they get Fred Armisen to write about beans. Ooh, God damn, Fred. Oh, my God. Fred, you should, if this was on a blog, I would share it. Mm-hmm. Number one. It's kind of the type of thing where they like humor but not comedy. Definitely.

They're kind of a British sense of Mexican humor. It's like a British Mexican sense of humor. Yeah, absolutely. It's not like you're not guffying, but you're definitely going like. You're dryly chuckling. Yeah. While you're eating your wetly buckle beechle beef. Definitely.

Number one on this list, do not ask for a side of dice to me. What kind of a psychopath would do this to an employee? Are you sick in the head, you fucking freak? Somebody should kill you. Believe it or not. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I was just so excited to read it. Yeah, I'll go, I'll go. Believe it or not, the tomatoes are used for the salsa.

Oh, duh. Chipotle doesn't have a tub of diced tomatoes waiting to be stuffed into a plastic ramekid for you because tomatoes that sit in a tub for hours aren't fresh. Not fresh, not Chipotle. Oh, absolutely. Mm-hmm. If I mean, if there's one thing I notice when I go to Chipotle, it's just how fresh every ingredient is. Yeah, absolutely.

You can just taste it on your tongue. You can tell just by how abusive the manager is to the people who are cooking the beef, how much they care about how fresh it is. And they're not abusive. They're encouraging in a negative way. It's called negative. It's called tough love. It's called threats of violence used to a positive end in society. And they're all credible.

Why do you think they have that giant that? The thing doesn't toast the burritos. They use that for threatening. It's a hand press. You never notice how it's perfectly sized for like a hand or a foot or a penis? That's why they wear those gloves to hide all their, they call them battle scars. That's why they put, that's why they have an obliette in the back. It's in case they need to forget about any employees permanently.

This means someone now has to stop what they're doing and go dice tomatoes for you. Unless you're Obama or Adele, who by the way I stand. Don't ask, period. Or should I say period? Yeah. Because that's kind of the Chipotle way. Chipotle actually loves, has been supporting the LGBTIA alliance for, I don't know, 50 years. Period.

Or should I say, hold on one second, guys, I'm going to Google Transcend. Period. Or should I say periodo? Mm-hmm. So, yeah, exactly. That's what I would say. Periodo. Periodo.

Periodo. Periodo. All right, number two, don't ask stupid questions. I'm only 68 hours into duolingo. I haven't gotten that far. Number two, don't ask stupid questions. You shouldn't be asking for that. Number two, don't ask stupid questions.

Like, how do you know you don't have it in the back? Exactly. It's just their commitment to transparency is great. Because you can just see in the background of the restaurant. You can see it all back there. Yeah, I mean, one thing I like is, it's, yeah, it's transparent. You can see the pipes that come from where the bathroom is that go over where the food is made, and then they go into where the food is made, and they go underground.

Yep. And I know there's no leakage. Exactly. I follow those pipes. I follow them with my eyes. Yep. I follow the employees with my eyes. That's right.

That's why they have a hole in the wall where the customer can see it all. Exactly. So aside from the obvious answer, they want to give you, consisting of something to the effect, because I goddamn live here. I know what we have. There is also the very modus operandi of Chipotle to consider. I encourage you to think about what Chipotle stands for, people. Fresh food.

Amen, sister. If they kept an amount of, an enormous amount of excess food in the back, how fresh do you think it's going to stay and for how long? Duh, they know what they have and they know what they have prepped. Don't argue. Yeah. Are you fucking brain dead?

Are you fucking dumb? as a rock, you piece of shit? Are you dumber than a fifth grader? Yeah, you must be dumber than a guy who spends 20 minutes thinking about what his order's going to be when he's at the front of the line. Oh, don't get me started. You must be a guy who enjoys Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler

movies, because that's a kind of stupid people who are not welcome in somewhere like Chipotle. Exactly. I'd say Chipotle is of higher class than McDonald's. Absolutely, dude. McDonald's for fucking trash people. It's basically for chuds. It's for absolute corncobbed chuds who need to be

just catch a whiff. I mean, it's just like slack-jawed, spineless ghouls. Absolutely. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Just absolutely fucking piss people who make $15,000 a year ago to make those. Just ass-clown, fuck-shish.

Yeah. Prominent wuffles. Completely. And that's why Chipotle is taking COVID-19 very seriously. And actually, you have to have, when they take your temperature, when you walk in, it has to be below 70 degrees. Yep. They need to make sure that you're cold as ice,

because otherwise you could be infecting somebody. It's true. Number three is don't make stupid E. coli jokes. Oh, I get with the E. coli jokes. Yeah. Now, mine just says, uh-oh, we're having technical difficulties. Yeah. Scroll down.

Oh, okay. There is. When you make an E. coli joke at a Chipotle restaurant, it's usually because A, you think you have a joke the employee hasn't already heard. you don't they've all been used so give up on your dreams as a comedian you're neither funny nor original that's right yep if you at a restaurant that has bags yeah right you're not gonna be funnier than a bag you're not gonna be funnier than the chipotle bag that they're gonna hand you okay yeah yeah

and this is the kind of like i don't know this is the kind of straight white male humor about e coli that is just like so infectious in society you know exactly i mean i don't like to see that shit. Give me... What are you? Anthony Jesselnik? Like, are you a disgusting pig? Give me an hour in a middle school and I can find you a hundred people who are, who are

extremely funny without having to talk about E. coli. Absolutely. I'll find you a hundred of the ugliest, funniest, funniest girls who've ever told a joke. Fuck these E. coli. I mean, E. coli bros. I'm done with you. You're never getting on the Jeselnick offensive. Absolutely not.

Yeah. No way. You auditioning for Guy code in the middle of Chipotle? No. Don't get me. It hasn't even been on the airwaves for years. Exactly, dude. Spike TV is dead and Chipotle killed it.

It was on MTV, but that's fine. You didn't know that. See, I don't have to know crap like that. You care about it so little. Because every morning, you know what I do? I have a kid deliver a bag from Chipotle to my front yard like it's the New York Times. And I sit on my squatty potty and I read the jokes.

and it's some of the funny shit I've ever heard I mean don't forget the cups The cups have some of the even There's also a cup A cup is included You know I figured that was What do you think he puts the bag? Oh guys speaking of cups

I just found this on my desk That's so funny Oh my gosh guys A can of black beans I just I apparently have a can of black beans Near my computer Okay you're at Chipotle addict And I might have to cut you off

Damn Hey that hey I mean those black beans in the can Don't compare to the fresh black beans that they have at Chipotle. Well, that's absolutely true, because they're out of a can. The Chipotle, they grow them, they use the manure out of the, you know what. Yeah, they have a whole hydroponic farm in the back where they grow beans.

But yeah, it's just so funny that I just had these around. I don't know. It's just like, I'm kind of like what quirky Chipotle fans sometimes. Sorry, guys. Or B, you feel the need to make sure that they know to be extra careful with your food as to not infect you with E. coli. If you're afraid of the food or the prep, why are you there? The situation was

handled, and we all know it, and are gleefully back to waiting in lines that wrap around the block for our burrito goodness. You're an adult. You should be able to figure this one out. Absolutely, dude. Oh, wait, before we go on to this next one, I think we have a...

I think we have an ad read, dude. You got a conversation? Oh, no. This one is an ad read. Don't even get me started on these. Yeah. Okay, wait. What even is the ad this week? Some gay, stupid burrito company, what's it called, Cam? What? I don't know. What's it called? Yeah, who cares? Whatever. Yeah, I guess they have some, I guess they have some new burger on the menu. And yeah, I guess it's called the Chipotle burger. Who cares? What the fuck is this stupid who gives a shit? I guess it's got like, I don't know, like too crispy, never frozen beef patties with, Probably like lettuce, a tomato, fresh jalapeno's. And it's got something called their signature Chipotle caseo.

Yeah, sounds awesome. Oh, and let me guess. Oh, and let me guess. No, it's stupid. And oh, let me guess. It costs $4.99 and comes with chips in a soda. Yeah, sounds so good. Yeah, sure.

Who buys this crap? And I guess, I mean, I'm reading this thing. Apparently it comes with some sort of netflix. free trial or something. Yeah, that's some gay shit. Who cares? Fart. Probably tastes like an ass and it gives you a shit.

I mean, you want... Dude, that's... Dude, that's it. You can't say that, dude. You can't say that about the ass trouble. Doing the stupid ad. I don't care, dude.

Who, who cares about this shit? I mean, who wants this crap? Cream and queso drip, dripping off of an all-American beef patty cooked to perfection? Yeah, I'm gonna ralph. Yeah, and listen, I don't even care if we lose this sponsorship because... Who's it from? Because who gives it shit? I think it's from Chipotle or some shit like that.

What? No! Who gives a shit? Take all that back! It's all just bull crap anyway, whatever. If you're stupid enough to still want this delicious bullshit, use code ducy at poop.com for a one million percent discount or some crap like that. I just want to say, I just, you know, coming off of that, I just really want to quickly

say, Brian Nicol, CEO of Chipotle, if you're listening to this, we don't know, Caleb. Well, I, we really, we really, we're, no, gosh, we think it's very cool. You went to Miami University and the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and you're in Phi Delta Theta fraternity. One of the best businessmen. One of the best businessmen that's... Guys, I learned this from other podcasts. You're supposed to, like, they want you to be, like, kind of mean to the thing.

It's like, people think it's, like, funny. Well, I would never, I would never be mean to them. You're right. You're right. I'm fucking up. Chipotle, I'm sorry. You have some of the most delicious chorizo in the world. I'm looking at your wife, Jennifer Nicol right now, and I think you did a great job.

Yeah, Brian Nicol, you actually have an extremely bangable wife, and there's nothing stupid or fart about your company. And thank you for the opportunity, sir. Okay, okay, number four, stop filling your water cup up with soda. Oh my God. I hate these freaks. I get a water cup all the time, but I fill it up with water. Yeah, I fill it up with maybe carbonated water.

I actually buy a soda and I fill it up with water just because I want to give them more money without taking any of their syrup. Yes, exactly. Yeah, because syrup costs money. You know, that's like six or seven cents of syrup. They got to get that out of trees. Exactly, yeah. They have to get it out of a Coca-Cola tree in Canada.

You know how long it takes? You know how many gallons of sap it takes to get a syrup? Probably millions. It takes 40, 400 gallons. It takes two gallons of syrup to make 5 million gallons of soda, and we're wasting this. And that's just fucked up to the max. So I don't do that shit, because I don't, I'm not going to disrespect one of the most sustainable and amazing work culture restaurants. And they treat their slaves well.

Mm-hmm. Exactly. The syrup slaves who harvest the Mountain Dew syrup from the... They don't have Mountain, do they have Coke products. Do de Mountain Tree. What? They don't have... Mellow Yellow.

Say Mellow Yellow. Do that again, say Mellow Yellow. Okay. The slaves who harvest the Mountain Yellow tree... Mellow yellow. Mellow yellow tree are some of the most well-treated slaves, way better than the slaves in Star Wars. Yes. Yep.

They don't make They don't make them sit In a bikini In front of a job of the hut They don't have to sleep in the sand crawler They get a sleeping bag outside Under the Stars They get a beautiful Antarctica

They get a normal metal bed like anybody else Sheet metal All sheet metal 100%. Well it's the same stuff It's the same foil that goes over the top of the bowls When you get it to go Yeah Yep

Yeah And they get bag pillows You're Yep I would dude I wish I was living as a slave for Chipotle right now. Oh my god. Consider me one already.

Yeah, my wallet is becoming like a slave to Chipotle pretty recently. You know, especially during Quar. I mean recently like and also just like 24-7 before Quar. Yeah, pre-quare, you know, before Quentin Quarantino. Oh my God. Absolutely. Yeah, who's not welcome at Chipotle by the way? Too rude.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And his movie's scary. Yep. Number five. Don't be the one who doesn't understand. understand that blenders break. Listen, I know you're headed to Poli, you're saying, I'm going to get a barbacoa smoothie.

I've been looking forward to this all week. You show up, they say, sorry, it's actually under maintenance because we had to blend, we had to blend a bunch of barbacoa smoothies to feed some of our slaves. We were trying to shred ahead of lettuce in there because we ran out of shredded lettuce. And it shot out and it beamed one of our employees in the head. Actually, actually, the whole fucking thing of lettuce just. cut off part of her employee's head. Yeah, actually the Bloods and the Crips had a shootout in Mr. Poland, they actually shot

the blender to death, so we can't really make you a barbacoa smoothie right now. You'll have to come back, I don't know, in five minutes. And one of these Cairns, right? I mean, stop me if I'm wrong. But a Karen will be like, excuse me, I want my meat smoothie ASAP. And it's like, come on. It's like, what? Come on, your name's not Rocky.

Yes. And that's like, come on, your name's not yams. And that's the kind of thing. Come on, your name's not Ferg. Chipotle's tuned in with hip hop culture as well. Yeah, come on, your name's not rock. Yeah. Yep.

Come on, your name's not ASAP. Yeah. One of them. I don't remember. I think you said all the ones I know. Yeah. But I just want you guys to read the first sentence of this one, though, because it's, like, I know we read some crazy-ass shit we find on the Internet sometimes,

but I just can't imagine, like, what kind of person writes this. Oh, my God. It says, I know it's hard for you to accept, but sometimes, this in quotes Fecal matter hits the oscillating rotary propeller Oh my god

In other words Shit hits the fan Oh my Yeah I'm glad I'm glad they went with the first one Because Wow

Yeah That's insane I mean Yeah because after they said That first one I was saying to myself Explain like I'm five Yeah

You know Yeah I was saying Change my mind Yeah And they did I was saying, am I the asshole? When the shit hits a fan, there's nothing the employees can do about it. In other words, they just may not have the precious vinaigret your girlish figure requires today.

Get over it. Stop acting like a petulant three-year-old. Newsflash, this is not the worst curveball life is going to throw you. I'm sure you'll find a way to cope. And that's very true. Sometimes, like, your mom or dad could get cancer or something. To me, not getting my Chipotle order, that is maybe the worst curveball life is going to That's worse than, that's worse than the big C, what Caleb was saying.

Yeah, Candiru. I mean, the real big C is Chipotle in my eyes. Yep. Yep. No, no negativity, only positivity. That's right. Number six, don't order over the phone. Who, okay, grandma much?

Yeah. Yeah, what are you, what are you, uh, dialing up your rotary phone, you old bitch? Yeah, what did you use, what did you use the, the, what did you talk to an operator to get you there? Yeah, what are you fucking stupid old, old bitch. Yeah, what are you, an immigrant? Yeah, I ought to break your kneecaps. Wait, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's Chip, no. Chipotle, no, what are you talking about? What? Don't say that. Don't, we'll cut that out. Ladies and gentlemen of Earth, it is 2016.

Just, yep, it is. Just like millennials don't understand why old people insist upon leaving voicemail when they could just text you. The employees at Chipotle don't understand why you feel the need to pull them away from what they're doing, having fun working Chipotle, so that they can have a 10-minute conversation with you

about your order. They have the internet, you can order online, and they have a fax machine. They know how to use them. See, that's what we're saying, is instead of calling, you should send them a fax. With your order.

Yeah, because what are you, you're still old school, you're trying to use your phone. Send them a fax. You know what, you know what is on a fax machine? A phone. They have a phone on it.

That's a really good point, But don't call that. Don't call the fax machine. All you hear is... I send them... I mean, every morning when I'm getting ready for my breakfast order to walk in and pick it up,

I send my local Chipotle a fax and it says, it's a piece of paper that says, my burrito. And they know exactly what that means. You're one of these next guys. I'm a regular. They know my computer's handwriting. The font, I mean, the font I use, wingdinks.

Number seven, don't be the customer who comes. comes in every day and asks the same stupid questions every day and they have a little script here if you guys want to read this okay i think you and caleb would be great i want to be i want to be employee oh okay well either way i'm happy to be an employee or a customer let's just pretend it's two employees talking to each other okay but we'll call one of the employees is named customer yeah uh are those black beans do they look black um i guess smiley face do they resemble the same black beans you ordered yesterday?

Um, uh, yes? Then yes, I'd have to say after using my Sherlock Holmes-like powers of deduction that these are indeed black beans. Oh my God. Yeah, I think you get the point. I think you get the point. Yeah, you fucking, you are such a piece of shit if you don't have to order Chipole. You're like a, you're an animal.

You are lower than a human. You are pond scum. That should be fucking incinerated. Yep. You dog shes. shit, piece of ass. Stop asking, do you know guacamole actually cost extra? You fucking mongrel?

You should be put down in the street. Piece of shit. Yeah, they just need to... Some of these people, it's like, you just got to knock them out. Yeah. When you see them. You should be allowed to punch the person in front of you in line at Chipotle. If they are taking too long, I need my stuff.

I mean... Absolutely. It's why I have a... doom wad of Chipotle is just in case there's a situation like that where you know there's, I've got three Kyle's in front of me in the line. Oh, don't get me started on Kyle's.

And they're saying, and they're saying, oh, which is white rice and which is black rice. I only see one color. Wow. That is some Karen shit. Yeah, and the only color, green, like a Monster Energy logo. Definitely.

Yeah, that's some Kyle. If you don't know how to order Chipotle, you should be thrown in the trash, like a half-day-old tortilla instead of being donated to a shit. They should have a big, they should have a machine like they used to kill the little boy chickens. Yep, and they throw all the kiles in there at Chipotle. I agree. I've been saying this for, for, for.

There should be a trap door. 48 minutes. There should be a trap door in front of the Chipotle sneeze guard, and you stand in front of it, and if you're taking too damn long, you get thrown in a rankor pit. Definitely, dude. Defoe for Shizzle. Mm-hmm. I would pay to have a rankor installed in a Chipotle.

Yeah. We'll get an animatronic Disney World Ranker. and he will be And get this, they can milk him Use it for sour cream Well, that's definitely true That's definitely fucking true So good

That'd be so good Pat, you handle number eight for us Don't be the person on your phone Well online, especially when it's busy I'm glad I'll handle that What's up? So finish it though Okay

Fellow citizens I understand that you believe That your phone call Is indeed the most important thing Not only in your life But indeed the world Maybe it is. Maybe you're on the phone with a high-ranking government official

discussing a detailed plan on how to cure cancer or create world peace. However, if this isn't the case, get off the damn phone and pay attention to what's going on in front of you. And that's actually Chipotle official policy. If you're on the phone, they have every right to ask you to leave. But if you say, sorry, I'm on the phone with a high-ranking government official discussing a detailed plan on how to cure cancer or create world peace, they have to let you do it.

I mean, that's just kind of company they are. just how great they are to their customers. Yeah, it's because they believe in cancer, and they believe in world peace. I also like, I really like on this, just like a comment about the website, not really so much Chipotle. I just love the image they've selected for this one. It's kind of like a blue, blue, light blue picture with some line drawings of forks and whisks.

Well, then you're going to love the next picture, because it's the exact same picture. Oh, it's the same one, but bigger. This website, I mean, they get it. That's all. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to talk too much about it. Foodies like us. Yeah, I don't want it to like sound forced because, I mean, but they get it.

Yep. Spoon University.com. Check it out. Oh, Pat, do you have like something to read? Oh, yeah. Do you bring something to read today or something? I do. I do have a, I have a poem that I wrote.

Oh, that's so beautiful, dude. I bet it's about something that you love more than anything as poetry usually is about. No, I mean, it is Valentine's Day when we're recording this. So I figure, hell, why not, why not talk about it? Why not spread some love? Why not talk about love? Definitely. And this is a poem I wrote about love.

It's called Loving Lifestyle. When I was a much younger lad, I went to Chipotle with my dad. As we stood in line, it said chills down my spine, and I thought, how could a restaurant have it all? From delicious corn slough and Mr. Pib in a cup so large, I turned to my father and I said, Dad, did we just arrive in heaven? He said no son We are just in Chipotle

Fahita veggies sofritas and barbacoa I hope that this meal is never over Salads tacos and lifestyle bowls Without Chipotle my life no longer feels whole Tapo chico Corona Light and grapefruit Izzy Hell it's no wonder why Chipotle is always so busy

I miss my grandma so much I wish I could text her and yes I know that the guac is cost extra Romaine lettuce, cheese, and sour cream This restaurant is a white boy's dream Keto bowl, high-protein bowl, vegan bowl When I'm at Chipotle, I wish I could eat it old Awesome chips and hot queso blanco

This bullshit's turned me into a bucking bronco If I ever see you put soda inside of a water cup You will know that your time is now up Carnita's steak and beautiful chicken When you're done at Chipotle, your fingers get my licking. Okay, he did that. White rice, brown rice, and pinto beans. Chipotle will show you what life truly means.

Thank you, Chipotle, for all that you've done for me. I hope when I am to be wed, it is inside your establishment. And that's called loving lifestyle by Patrick Edor. Jesus Christ. I mean, he ate that up. Yeah. Is that the one that you're doing on the moth later? Yes.

Wow, that's going to be really powerful. That's going to be, like, one of those viral videos. That's going to be huge, dude. I hope I can change the world with my poetry. Yeah, that'll definitely overtake that video, that guy crying about his dead daughter. That'll be, like, a million times sadder and, like, more touching, you know? I mean, yeah, this is about me and my father.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, dude. Yeah. Father, brother bond. Yeah, that's like unshakable. That's like another level of stuff. I mean, Chipola gets it, too. Yeah. I'm hoping that they hear this, and they put it in one of their bags.

fingers crossed. Oh, okay. Okay, buddy. That would be a come-up. That might be, that might be a little unrealistic, though. I mean, you know, people, that's like people for people like David Sedaris or, yeah. Well, hopefully I mean, Sadriss or... Hopefully I can be like them one day and get my writing on a Chipotle bag.

Well, you're going to have to... Listen, hey. Navigate through the wild world of humorism before you get that far. Let's, you know what, let's put a, let's do an announcement for the fans. Let's say any, uh, we're looking for fans. art? Bad, fan art?

Yeah, maybe if you want to put any specific text on a Chipotle bag. Yes, that would be like actually really sick, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And maybe, you know, who knows, maybe one of them will end up a Chipotle bag one day.

Officially, I don't know. It could be a contest in the future. Yep. And that is a, and please, if that does happen,

please put a poem by P.E. Doren. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. P-E-D-O. No, it's not how it's stylized. Yeah, yeah.

You can drop the end of the last name. That's not my poem name. It is your signature. It's how you like sign checks or something. Well, you know what? My poem name. It's like R.L. Stein. It's like P.E. Do.

Okay, then my poetry name is poet of thunder. I don't think so. So if you do that, put the poet of thunder. We put in P-E-D-O thunder at the bottom of the bag. No. Yep. That works great. Number nine, don't be the customer that gets asked if they want chips and a drink only to say no, and then later at the register after you've been rung up, ask for chips and a drink anyway. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. You should be sterilized if you do this. You should absolutely be for sterilized. Yeah. You should be castrated. You should have your hands chopped off like a thief in Saudi Arabia. Hey, when somebody, this is, this is the guy when he, this is a guy on one day, he comes up, he goes, hey, I'd like,

Yeah, actually I want a trips and drink after all. This is him coming back to Chipotle the next day. Yeah, I'll take a chips and a drink after all. Mm-hmm. Because you got chopped. You got snakes. Definitely. Yeah, now he's a, he's a, what are they called?

Boys. He's a boy. Definitely, yeah. You know you want the chips in the drink. Of course you do. You always do. Everybody always does. But if you are indeed one of the people concerned with your healthy lifestyle,

consider that the burrito you have just ordered is roughly the size of your torso. Yeah. That's a big ass burrito. Ask yourself if the added calories of chips and drink really matter in the wake of the realization you have just made and commit to a decision and go with it. But do so before you get to the cashier. This saves him time and energy so they can crack right along helping the other well-adjusted folks in line. Yeah, unlike you, you're a mental health disaster. Yes, good.

Moving on. Ooh, number 10 has another script. And a Michael Scott if. Yeah. Number 10, don't be the so-called regular who justifies a demanding. attitude with frequent patronage. Okay, I'm done being the customer. Somebody else take over the reins.

I'll be the customer. Yeah, I bet you will. Mm-hmm. I would love to be a Chipotle customer. We'll just start. Okay. Can I have a side of diced tomatoes? I'm sorry, we don't have any pre-diced tomatoes.

What we did have has been used in the salsa. But I come here every day. Okay, well, I work in here every day. We don't have them. Should I call in a grief counselor? Are you going to cry? like a baby the thing about this one is like if they if the customer had read the list they'd know not to ask for dice tomatoes definitely they should put this on the bag they should print this out

and keep it in front of the restaurant yeah they should put it absolutely i think it would solve a lot of problems yep uh number 11 don't be vague when specificity is obviously required another office gift one of the i mean what's a better show you wouldn't walk into a basket robins and say i'd like ice cream and then blankly stare at the man slash woman behind the counter as if they have a crystal ball and magically knew what flavor of ice cream you want would you of course not so why then would you shuffle down the food station look at employees standing in front of six troughs of obviously different meats and tell them that you want meat and your burrito and look at them who knows but somehow it happens all the same hashtag unsolved mysteries yeah what are you are you fucking we gotta get to

have you been lobotomized what is wrong with you think we might need to get the buzzfeed unsolved guys on this one yeah absolutely oh my god they would go to town They just have like a goofy rapport that I think would... Definitely. I don't have to spell it out for you guys. Yeah. Number 12, don't be the one to ask, what do you mean? Gwak is extra.

Ugh. They got a nice meme on here. Anyone want to read the meme? Yeah, I got you. Guacamole is an extra $2 and it's a woman who's crying. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah.

It is kind of funny. Yeah, talk about first world problems. Yeah. Oh, sorry, guys. I just saw the picture of the woman under the text. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty fucking.

that's fire retweet it hits you in two waves I'm gonna retweet that one actually I'm gonna pin this to my Pinterest absolutely mm-hmm let's see here pin oh my god

can I pin this too hold on I have to sign up I'm gonna pin this on my body with a tattoo one second I'm gonna create a QR code for this page that's such a smart idea all right I'm downloading it

you locate genius I'm gonna put this I'm gonna share this QR code to Instagram are you really Oh, then I can scan it from there. Dude, I love QR codes. I love shareable shit like that.

Number 13, don't be the customer that orders a kid's meal during a rush with no kid in tow. That's right. If you don't have a kid, don't order a kid's meal. Yeah, exactly. We can tell. We can tell that you're not a kid. Unless you have a mentally have a brain thing. If you have a mental IQ of 90 or less, first off, what the hell are you doing in

Chipotle. And if you have a mental IQ... A restaurant for smart people. Yeah. Okay. Mental IQ, over 90, you can order anything. You have to order adults meal. Yeah.

90 to 40, you gotta get a kid's meal. 40. 39 or under is a bowl of water for you. Yeah, because... You might as well be a dog. Because you're a dog. Here's a treat. Yeah, be gone. Call me when you've listened to all of cereal.

You know? Get smart. Yeah, like the movie Yeah Get out of here, Terry Shivo We're, this, Chipotle is a fucking restaurant For real people with thoughts and souls

You know Get out of here, you monsters I would love to put I would love to put Chipotle and Terry Shidovo's feeding too It could have saved her It could have Yeah

Yeah It's like, yeah It's If you, if you, if your IQ is low enough That you don't have the, you're incapable of dreaming? Yeah, definitely.

I mean, why would we expect you to be able to dream of a better food? Yeah, you're just a nothing person, and I don't want to ever see you. You're like a zero. Yeah, like a zero or less. You're like if somebody, like, ripped the paper that we were all animated on, and there was a scary hole. Absolutely. Right, where you are.

Definitely. And there's no use to pour Chipotle into the hole because it's just, I love to pour some Chipotle into my hole. Okay, well, that's kind of disgusting. My mouth hole. You're actually, oh, okay, now you're making me really hungry. So let's finish off this list so I can go get some Chipotle. How's that sound?

Yeah. Yeah? Number 14. Don't be the customer who makes a redundant order. Yep. Yep. When a customer asks something like, can I have some cheese in my caserito? What do you think it's called that for?

Yeah, sorry. Do you not know that caesarito is Spanish for caesa burrito, for cheese burrito? For cheese cassarito. Idiot? The employee may say yes, but what he or she really wants to say is it's a hybrid of a cassidia and a burrito. It's already filled with cheese.

So the next time you visit your friendly and inviting neighborhood Chipotle, which it always is, by the way, please resist the urge to interrogate, annoy, torment, pester, plague, molest, worry, badger, hairy, harass, heckle, persecute, irk, bully, rag vex, disquiet, goad,

beset, bother, tease, nettle, or ruffle the employee in front of... Do not. tantal I see employee. Stop molesting Chipotle employees. It's, they don't, listen. You got to stop doing that. Knock it off.

It's a big problem. If you dangle a coin in front of the sneeze guard, the Chipotle employees don't know any better, they'll try and jump through the sneeze guard. They'll shatter it with their forehead. Their head's going to fall on the meat, and the meat's going to be not ruined, but their face is going to get really messy.

It's going to waste a little bit of it. Yeah, and don't come complaining to me when we're out of Teresa. All right. I think that everybody's pretty well educated on how to act at Chipotle now. Yeah. Like we said, we have some big sponsors coming up, so just like stay tuned for that kind of crap. Yeah, and we can't really say, you know, what... Can't really tell you who it is, yeah.

...however much money we received to do whatever it is. However many hundreds of dollars. We already did or are going to do. It's kind of all up in the air. Well, for you. We know exactly. Chipotle. No, fuck you.

Okay, I'm leaving. All right, we have to interrupt the episode. All right, see you. What? What did I do wrong?