Podcast About List - Ep. 140 - Cowboy Insults with bonus VERY RARE Squirtoon Clip!

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

the first podcast ever to have a post credits scene www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the novelist. You're really crap monster. I'm pissed. Yep. I'm fucking pissed. You look like shit in that thing, dude. I don't look like shit.

You look terrible. I look good. You can't, you don't look good. Yeah, I look good. You're stealing my thang and my fang. It's burp so much. And you look terrible. I look good.

Cowboy doesn't burp. Cowboy Hockees. Excuse me, ma'am. My apologies. So when Patrick joined the Zoom call, he had a cowboy hat on. And only... Caleb was not able to find one. Only because...

I thought... I don't know how you didn't find one. In my closet. Well, last night, I tried to find one... Is that where all the other costumes came from, too? Yes. I tried to find... I mean, eventually, yeah.

I tried to find one last night on Amazon that had one day shipping and is unavailable. So I was fucking, you know, I can't leave, I'm a victim. I can't leave my apartment right now. I haven't been able to shop for costumes. There's a lot of ways that COVID is affecting the American people where people can't look for different hats or costumes. You've given out your address, right? Somebody could just come give me a hat. If you know where Caleb lives, we need you to deliver costumes to them.

Yeah, outside the front door. Just leave it out front. You throw some groceries in the hat, like a bag, and then I'd save me another fucking thing I have to do. Oh, man. Just, just make it happen, dude. I should be wearing, can you imagine how good and evil I would look with that hat on? You look like shit. You would not look evil with a cowboy hat on.

Dude, I would look like the baddest, I'd look like the bad, the evil cow, the cow man. You look like shit compared to how I look right now. You look, you're wearing a Rod Stewart hat underneath the cowboy hat. this is not well it won't fit over the headphones and I'm not my head's too sweaty I hate you dude

because I was skating 15 minutes ago fuck you man no fuck you look like shit you look like shit I don't even I just you look sick I don't look sick I'm normal I don't look sick you look so sick dude

I don't look sick yeah no you your head and your shirt and your wall are all the same color. Yeah, it's cream. It's a beautiful neutral color. It allows for a lot of interior design choices.

You know, I can have a loud duvet cover. You look like, you look like a robot right now. Hey, Caleb, if you put on, if you put on that cowboy hat, you'd look more like broke-ass mountain. Yo! Broke boy mountain? Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You gonna cry? Oh, he's crying. Oh, he's crying. He's pretending to have chew. He's pretending to have chewing tobacco in his lip right now. I will say it's even more disrespectful that Patrick isn't even wearing the hat. I'm wearing the hat. You're wearing a hat and then headphones over the hat.

And then you put the cowboy hat over both of those. That doesn't count as wearing a thing. The third thing on your head you're not wearing. Okay, there we go. Now put the headphones on over the hat, over the cowboy hat. How's this? That's a really good look. I can't hear.

I can't hear most of the... You can usually make yourself cry faster than this. What's going on, pal? Are you too happy today? Yeah. I've lost my ability, dude. I'm having too much fun. Except I just remember that Pat has a fucking cowboy hat on and I don't.

My head's cold. Everything sucks, dude. Fuck. I'm fine. I'm doing great. I got a cowboy hat on. Shit. I look good.

I hate you. Check this is out. Cowboys didn't have glasses. Stop. I don't know where my other glasses were. That technology wasn't around. Cowboys, some, there were prospectors with glasses. You couldn't be a cowboy without perfect vision.

Shut the fuck up. You could. No, and even if you didn't, you wouldn't wear glasses because you're a cowboy, you don't have to read anything. You have to read directions. Yeah, you have to read what it's the wanted posters. They just guessed. They had to read the wanted posters. They would get the wrong guy a lot.

You have to read the poster and see if it was dead or alive. Exactly. A real cowboy didn't care. I'm a real cowboy. You're not. I am. I'm a real cowboy, too. God damn it.

This is so... I gotta get different headphones. Yeah, you're a cowboy because you're half cow, half boy. So, I still have the hat. Mm, fuck you. That's right That's a good point There were no bald cowboys also, I have to say

There was like a hundred of them Zero bald cowboys They were a gang They were called the bald bandits There was no such thing as the bald bandits They were called the bald bandits The Bald Bandits did not exist Snow the Ballcom

No There was a group of bandits Nameds mixed truth There was a group of bandits But they weren't bald And they weren't called The bald bandits. Snopes is not...

You're not Snopes, dude. Stop talking like your Snopes. The bald bandits... I'm Snopes. The bald bandits had a movie written by D.W. Griffith about them. That's true. Caleb's a member of a different modern day bald bandits. Okay.

All right. I see how this episode's going to go now. These bald bandits hated the hair on their body so much that they would wear white sleek sheets to cover them up. Yeah, dude, so nobody knows you're bald You know There's definitely never been like a hot KKK guy Because why would you cover that face up That's why I could never join the KKK

Too beautiful I did take the cowboy hat off That's why they started cutting eye holes in there Because some of them had pretty eyes Before that they were all just bumping into each other That's a good point Yeah It's true too Snopes says so

It's not you don't know Snopes I think Cameron knows Snopes Snopes is like a Banksie or Q type figure. Nobody knows who he is. When you get the vaccine, it downloads all of Snope's knowledge base into your brain through microchip. Yeah.

And you walk around saying, well, Biden did say that about black youth. He didn't mean it quite in that way. That phrase is just preloaded into your head. He was being sarcastic. He was being silly. Yeah. There was no man named corn pop. Well, Biden's mouth did move to form those.

words there was a racist guy behind him actually saying them he was being puppeted by Jeff Dunham he was doing Bubba J yeah the J and Bubba J stands for Joe Biden Bubba Joe Joe Biden Bobba Joe Biden is the he's the old man what's his name Fart Walter Fart Walter Fart Walter yeah fart Walter Yeah, no, that's definitely That's the real

Joe Biden, dude He's Walter, for sure Well, he hates Priuses He's a total Walter Yeah, Priuses, he hates Priuses And phones And blackberries and Bluetooths All this modern crap, dude

Whatever happened to the newspaper Yeah, right? Whatever happened to... You used to call your friends On the newspaper back in the day You used to send your friend You used to take out an ad, ad in the newspaper that said, hey, Jim, do you want to hang out with me on Saturday, March 8th?

That's how you would communicate back in the day. You'd fucking, yeah, you'd wait for the Sunday paper to come out, you know, and you'd kill somebody who had the name of whatever message you wanted to send to your friends that they caught it in the obits, you know? Yeah, and that was, but by and sir, there's still our newspapers. I mean, there's a huge pile of them outside your house, aren't you going to go get them? Man, I'm misdentured servants. is everything is so tough.

We've got to do everything yourself, dude. Man, I'm just, I'm just sitting in sweat right now. I don't know why. I thought it was a good idea. You're in a Korean bathhouse. I am. With your 50 best friends. I'm in a spa.

Oh, yeah. I got the Vax. I got the Vax appointment coming out. Dude, finally I can go back to bathhouses. Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so excited to go back to the cold sauna. I just can't wait.

Yeah, it's the cold sauna that they have in every restaurant. The cold sun is room temperature. I'm excited to go back to the bathhouses, the costume shops. They've been missing me. They might be out of business. They might have been run out of business because I'm locked inside. Yeah, everybody who buys costumes there now is like, where's that funny smell? And they're like, oh, that guy used to try on every single costume in the store is allowed to come in anymore.

I need to see if it fits, dude. I'm a 31 waist. A lot of these costumes made for a much bigger man. Yeah. All the customers miss. miss the way that your shoulders would stretch out the suits into like sharp points somehow It's because I'm...

Yeah, you look like the death note guy. It's called having high tea. Yeah, exactly. If you're at the highest tea people have just pointy angles all over their bodies. They're like, is this a sailor out for it for a Tim Burton character? What is the geometry going on here?

I don't understand this. When it's on me, Tim Burton's pop-by. Where are all the wigs? They're all gone. He bought them all. I don't wear wigs. You definitely wear wigs.

You should. Oh, man, you should get a wig. You definitely, when the camera's off, you absolutely are wearing a wig. The camera? What camera? You should totally get a wig, dude. I put wigs when the cameras are on, buddy. We should get, oh, we should get Caleb, like, a really, like.

We should buy, you know what's funny? We should get you, like, a wig tree, like a hat tree to put in your house, but just with a ton of wigs, like super ornate. You remember when that fucking, uh, the i heart eating shit thing went like the i heart eating shit tweet went viral a bunch of people thought that caleb was um tricksy mattel yeah that's what i found out that i would be a perfect drag queen yeah yeah if i was like i was like one percent more gay i would make so much more money doing that for fucking podcasting dude i was like and then it made sense i was like yeah

dude what of course a mannequin is a blank slate yeah i would be so good as a fucking drag queen. I would be like one of the best ever, dude. You'd be so mean, too? Oh, dude, I'd be a bitch. You'd get to wear platform shoes and finally hit 5'6, dude. It'd be great for you. Okay, all right. Well,

I'm not sure. You know, I was having fun for like one second on this episode. Then you had to take it back and fucking make it. You wouldn't even have to wear makeup, too. Yeah. Your face so naturally beautiful. I'm going to start doing this when you're mean to me. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. Mm-hmm. Fuck you, dude. If I was a cowboy right now, you would not be saying that shit to me, because I'd have a six-shooter pointed at your brain. I've been spittin in my spittoon this whole episode. You don't have a spittoon either. If you have a spittoon, show it to me. And you can't use your foreskin as a spittoon. Then what the fuck I can't? Dude, I feel... No. Why not?

Just empty it out right now. No, no. I'm calling Dr. Pimple Popper to come trying your foreskin spoutoon right now, dude. She's not going to get all up in that shit. She's not opening up my squirtune. Squatoon. Squatoon. Fuck. She's not going to drain your squirtune that you've been squirton all day.

We can't do squirtune again. That's lost to time forever. Unless it's found. I was trying to bring it up. You can't bring it up. Squatoon is a lost, a lost bid. Because I think that was a time then Patrick died made recording or something. Yeah.

We had a really good thing about squirtunes. You're just going to have to imagine what that. is unless I find the file and put it at the end of this episode. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Pat, you load down son of a bitch. If you put that cowboy hat on your head one more time, I'm putting a damn bounty on your head. All right, $5, dead or alive. Come get me. Green light. Come get me. I live. There's a green light on Patrick. No, there's not. Like in Johnwick 2 when everyone's trying to get him. Or is that Johnwick 3? That's right now. That's Caleb Pitts won, because I'm fucking calling out the Bloods and the Crips and the Woo Gang on you right now and the Cowboys.

Woo! What? The Wu gang. Who's that? It's like a New York gang that I learned about. The Wu-Tang Clan? No, the Wu-Tang! The violence has been so bad lately between the Bloods and the Crips and the Cowboys.

Yeah, you don't want to walk through that neighborhood. That's Cowboy Country. That's Cowboy Country. As soon as you see tumbleweeds You're wearing a red bandana, no way You just see like a bike lane Like the bike symbol Turned to a horse

Like Yeah Hey don't Don't fucking stop With the train tracks bro You might get run up on Might get tied up Whatever you do

Do not do not walk through Through the cowboy neighborhood wearing stripes And a black beanie They're gonna They're gonna lasso you And bring you to the sheriff Yeah, who do you think is more dangerous?

MS-13 or the Cowboy Gang? It's got to be close, right? Yeah. That's like a deadly, yeah, Deadliest Warrior episode. That is like 100% an episode of Deadliest Warrior. MS-13 versus one cowboy? Yeah. No, it's a cowboy gang, dude.

Yeah. It's true. Yeah. Well, wouldn't it be a bandit? No, that's different. It's not a bandit, dude. Cowboy's a good guy or like a neutral guy. A band is a bad guy.

Cowboys pure neutral. He goes where the money is. Well, he's like, he's like neutral good. Like good, he depends, you know? Sometimes he saves people, but sometimes he gets nasty with it. When my, oh, man, the cowboy gets nasty with it. Oh, you don't want to be around. When he's, when he's, when he's twirling that lasso around, you don't want to.

Yeah. We need to get these lassoes off these streets. When a cowboy is feeling nasty, you want to stay at least 100 feet away Because to a nasty cowboy, every open mouth looks like a spittoon. Let me tell you something. Yeah, but I'm going to make a movie where I go into the cowboy country, and I fix it up, dude. Yeah. White Savior for the Cowboys.

I'm going to take care of it, dude. I'm going to get that gunpowder off of the streets and the fucking candy. The Snipoil. Yeah, the sticks of dynamite, the snake oil, the... Yeah, my son comes home, like, late at night, and a stick of dynamite falls out of his pants. I'm like, what the... Where have you been?

What the fuck is that? Yeah, I've been messing around with those damn cowboys again. My son comes home wearing a lone ranger mask. He gets to take it off before he comes in the door. But, dad, I want to be a cowboy. No fucking son of mine's going to be a cowboy. Yeah, you're, like, giving, like, your... like your kid gives you money

to like buy him something at like the grocery store and you like bite into it and it pants I told you not to hang out with them you like yeah you wake up when you hear your kid coming into the house and you hear the telltale like click and jangle of spurs on boots

walking down the hall of his room you find chaps in the laundry yeah I just walk in the living room Just throw him on him Tell me what that is Explain to me what the fuck that is Barging into his room

Where's the ass on these pants Where's the fucking ass on these I'm sowing an ass on right now No dad no It smells like horses in here I'm gonna sew it If he's sewn ass everyone's gonna make fun of me Then did I stay at cowboy school he walks in

Oh, you got an ass on your pants? What the fuck are you doing? Oh, fuck, I hate my cowboy son. Oh, man. He's the worst. Don't even get me started. Don't even get me started on my cowboy kid. My kid, the kid? Kid the kid.

Fucking, I hate my cowboy kid. Trevor, the kid. Trevor, the kid. I like that we're going full cowboy this episode. We have a cowboy list, and we're just intro part, all cowboy. I don't have time for anything else anymore, dude. It's what I'm focused on. Now I have a goal to be a better cowboy than Pat

because he decided to fucking steal my shit. You know what? First come, first serve. That's what I say about this. Yeah, I'm going to fucking first come on you and serve it to you. You're not going to serve anything to me. I'm going to come on you and then serve my comeback to you. How?

How would you do that? Scrape it off, make a demi-glaze. fucking serve my comeback to you nasty bitch. Have you been reading that book I sent you? No. The cum recipes? What? What?

Oh no, that hasn't been delivered. I didn't actually buy it. I do have a surprise coming for Caleb. I did buy him something. Please I'll be a gun or a bomb. Who knows? I mean, if he mails you a gun, that's good for you, not for him, right? Like, you use that against him.

Well, no, it's a, he opens the package and then the gun shoots him. Yeah, the gun. He opens the package. He opens the package. Yeah. Shrap. But he accidentally faces the package the wrong way, so the gun shoots out the window and kills Patrick who's watching the binoculars. Yes.

It's a bear at 50-cown. Yes, dude. I just thought of something. Okay, here's a, this is, you can imagine this, like, somebody writing this article and posting it on Twitter, okay? Okay. Here's why the roadrunner was the best cowboy of all time Whoa Wow

Yeah I don't have anything else for that I just thought of that I guess he didn't capture anyone though I would say Wiley Coyote is closer to a cowboy Well no he's more of like Wiley Coyote is a bandit through and through He has no no he's He's not dastardly though

I think Wiley Coyote would probably He's definitely dastardly. I think now that Pat has decided to be the cowboy, I may have to become dastardly pretty soon here. Yeah? Yep. You're going to wear like a top hat and tie a woman to the train tracks that I save?

I may have to become very dastardly sooner than you might think. Dick dastardly. No. You could be like him. You could drive a car with your little dog. No. You're chick dastardly, girl.

Yeah? Yeah. Okay, that's fine. Fucking sexy girl. Nothing wrong with that. Fuck you. That's right Patrick learned a new defense strategy

Against insults I'm completely neutered right now Yeah that's right You fucking bitch Yeah why would I be ashamed of that You gay Why would I be ashamed of that You're

You're an ass So It's important part of the body You balls are smalls Yeah that's fine More room in my pants. You're a human bathroom. Yeah, okay.

It's the most important room in the house, besides the kitchen. You're a human kitchen. No. You're a shit sandwich on a fuck burger. All right, got to feed people. You're a whole fart. Yeah, that's fine. I'm going to sip you.

Source of energy. I'm going to drink you up. Yeah, okay, good. I'll hydrate you. How long will this go on? I'm going to tear your breast. off. That's fine. Why would I be ashamed of that? Be ashamed of

what? I just said I'm going to fucking kill you. That's fine. I'll feel fulfilled. From kids? What? You'll have a goal, you'll set out, you'll set your goal, and then you'll complete your goal. I think you lost the plot on this one. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. All right. I'm the, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, it up. I'm ready to do some cowboy insults. I drank a red bull earlier. The competitor. I drank a beautiful glass of water. I was in the park earlier. I was at Maria Hernandez. I was skating and some dude came up to me and he was like, yo, you think I got front 180 first try? I was like, yeah, sure, man. Go ahead. And I like gave him my board and he handed me his like phone, his sandwich, his dress. His dress. His dress. His

drink, his wallet. I think you robbed him, dude. Actually, I think you just, that's an exchange. And then he, like, he kept making, like, excuses as to why he didn't want to do the front 180. And he was like, shit, my grandma just died. And, like, he's like, yeah, he just kept talking to me, like, about his life. Yeah, about his life.

And then he was like, man, you guys are too much here skating that ledge. And he's like, all right, fine. Then he finally did it and just, like, fucked it up. So you robbed a guy And then he couldn't even do a trick Well That's actually a good motivator though If you're like here

Take all my shit Don't give it back unless I land Well I dropped his phone I dropped his phone and then he was like You dropped his phone He had his phone inside of his wallet Oh And then he handed it to me

And then I dropped the phone I was like oh shit sorry man He's like no that's fine It doesn't even work anyway It's like Man, what the fuck? Well, you bring it around places so you can... You can spy on people.

You hold the phone to your face and make it look like you're doing something. Mm-hmm. And then you can listen in. That was it. You know who that was, Patrick? Who was that? That was Batman. Whoa.

And he had a tracking device in that wallet. If you had taken off, he would have fucked you up. Batman just baiting people to do crimes. I'm glad I didn't. He just has like a fucking fishing pole with a woman's purse on it. Just waiting to be. some guy up. He does do that, dude.

He always shows up there, like, he shows, like, some guy will kill someone, and then he shows up, and he's like, I, now I can get you, you know? Yeah. Just kill everybody right away. It is funny. Hold this dollar. In a... Got your ass.

You're dead. In Batman Returns, I watched that the other day. He just, like, Tim Burton just didn't, he just, Batman straight up kills dudes in that movie. He kills people in the Snyder cut, dude. It's so sick. Everyone, everyone, like, is always, like. Like, once a week, there's the tweet that's like, um, Batman was really rich,

but instead of using that money to invent socialism, he actually beat up an evil clown and saved the city. So he's a bit of a fascist, I think. But every, yeah, that the fucking Batman is like, come on, guys. It's so annoying. His parents died. He's allowed to, like, beat up a schizophrenic guy if he wants to.

If I was rich, I'd be just so much worse. Oh, yeah? I'd be a full serial killer, if I was much. I'd be completely, I would be as evil and I would kill as many people as possible before they stop me. I would have like a chain of H.H. Holmes style like hotels all around the country where I'm just fucking farming poor people. Just turn their bones into fucking gelatin. Yeah.

It's like when you make that like villager thing in Minecraft, like the villager farm. Yeah, exactly. You just fucking burn them. It's just a McDonald's, like, meatpacking plant. And I'd be passionate and I'd be involved, like, the Chipotle CEO. I'd be stopping by all the different chains, just making sure they have the right fucking, in their blood quota and shit. Taking pictures and taking pictures in front of the threshers and being, like, the CEO stopped by today to make sure everything was going smoothly. Just like a picture of, like, Caleb holding a guy by, like, his shirt collar and his jeans throwing a guy into, like, a meter.

Just smiling. Yeah. And then a picture comes out of you. on safari and you killed a hippo and then everyone gets mad i cannot believe i'd be the most evil guy of all time oh my god i can't believe that doctor genocide killed a lion this is so and i i would yeah i mean that would that would that would be why i wouldn't get in any trouble because i wouldn't pick a kind of person i would just kill anybody yeah like i wouldn't matter what they look like i just fucking kill i would kill people on the street for no

reason at all. Well, if you throw a pile of money on them after there. Yeah, exactly. No, no, no, no, no. I paid him to do this. Here's what I would do. I'd pay for the funeral. Oh, that would be my move. And people would be like, well, we can't be mad. Well, what if you own a funeral home? And that's like, you own like a chain of funeral homes. I own a funeral home and I, and I, and I kill people there. Yeah. That might be a pretty good idea. Imagine if you, if you're like an inventor, right? And you invent a brand new, no, you're not, not for this. thing, okay, because wait, you're going to be, you're going to be, okay, but you're going to be in this, so just hang on for a second. That's a terrible invention, not an invention.

Wait, no, let me talk, let me say this, okay? Imagine you're, what would you, if you're a, you're an inventor and you just invented a more efficient shredder for paper, right? Yeah. And then you get a knock on your door, and Caleb comes in, and he's wearing an evil tuxedo with pointed shoulders, like a JRP bus. and he says I'd like to buy your patent for your shredder by the way could you make it giant

would you say yes or no I would say yes well you're not that doesn't help me out well you're already you wouldn't say yes because it wouldn't make you're the one asking the question what if I'm playing both characters like Eddie Murphy but then the guy would just be like what do you why are you saying yes yeah exactly

yes I will yes that's another that would be another one of the evil things I would do yes that'd be another one of the evil things I do as a rich guy. He would just talk for people. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'd be like,

what did they said it? I'd do ventriloquism. That's pretty evil. I mean, it's evil control that you take over somebody. Yeah, you're like making people think... Pat has been frozen. Patrick froze. You're making people, you're making people think that a puppet is talking.

You're tricking people. Pat, are you back? Hey! What's going on? Can you hear me? Are you there? Yeah. Okay, you just cut out for a second.

Oh, I did? Yeah. No, I didn't. I would basically run. I would do like a, I would do like a magic ape all, like every morning for like a different, like, small town that I would just fucking wipe out. Yeah. With like something really fucked up. Like, maybe like a monster truck.

Yeah. And that's like what I would do is I'd just like run over shit with a monster truck. I'd kill anything. You could have like a dart board that looks like the earth and like where a dart hit. It's like maybe it blows up or something. Yeah, I just bring like a flamethrower and just start fucking light in California on fire. That's like what I would do during the summer. During the winter, I'd probably like fuck a penguin.

It wouldn't take much to like set a wildfire in California. Well, I'm going to bring them much. Tell you that much. Yeah, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to overdo everything, dude. I'm going to replace water with gasoline. No, dude. I'm going to smoke a cigarette in the woods. Did you?

Did you ever? When you were, like, 14, well, did you, Caleb, you smoked sigs when you were like 15, right? No. No, I was not. I was not a sig smoker until, like, college. Well, I used to get really scared that, like, I would steal, like, my mom's cigarettes and then go into the woods. And then I would put them out, like, in the woods, but then I would get really scared that, like, a forest fire would start. Yeah.

I mean, that's fair. That's a comment. That's a good instinct to have. That's how they happen. See, that's a kind of instinct that I would just completely lose if I got, I don't know, $10,000. That's a common teenage smoker fear. Starting a forest fire. You guys are telling me you wouldn't become supervillains?

I wouldn't become a superhero. I wouldn't even become... Supervillains always want, like, like, fucking, like, recycling to happen or some gay shit. I would do something like that. I would do something like that, but I would do it on a much smaller school. I wouldn't be, I would be like one of those rich people who just kind of like doesn't have a job. and just lives in a big house. I'd be the most evil.

But, like, anybody who crosses my path, I will kill. I'd be the most evil. But I'm not going to go out of my way. You know, if I see, like, somebody walking down the street that my house is on, they're dead. But, you know, it's kind of like a Bermuda triangle, but just for my line of side. That's pretty good, too. I'd be like, I'd be the most evil subway manager of all time. If you were rich.

This running a really horrible subway, just buying a subway franchise. I would schedule people on their birthday. But also, like, replacing all the meat with meat that looks exactly the same, but it's, like, made out of poopers, plastic or something. Yeah, you make the, you always make the meatball sub out of the tuna sandwich or two-sandwich or two-celly to make any negative review disappear. Like, the CEO can't even come busy. Like, you're just completely, you buy, I would make people come in on their day off. You buy the copyright for Subway, so you have a Subway restaurant that's technically not part of the chain, so you can do whatever you want. That's the trick.

Try and blackmail the subway CEO with the Jared Fogel info, even though it's already public. It's like, oh, well, if you try to shut me down, I'll let something... Your employee did this. Yeah, I'll let my loose lips sink ships. I'll say that much. That's right. You made all this public. Now I can destroy you.

We actually took a pretty big hit already. I don't know why you're trying to bring this back up. Yeah. I would destroy them. All right. Cowboy insult. on best dash insults.com slash cowboy dash insults slash check it out you know we don't usually give out the link but i have to say this one is such a simple one we were we asked you guys to

get a lot of hype going for this one and i have to say i saw absolutely zero yep i think you guys horrible what's that i'm very i'm i i don't say this often and i like you i've probably i'm probably the nicest one on the show um but i'm extremely disappointed in every single one of you And I say this very often, but you guys are subhuman. See, I would never say that, but right now I'm thinking it. What's this? The fans being absolute dog shit? Yeah, it must be a day that ends in why.

If I ever saw any of you guys in real life, like if you came up to me or anything, I would treat you like a dog with its leg stuck in a bear trap. I would execute you on the spot. Yeah, because of this. And you would know why. You would know why we were doing it, and it's because you didn't do enough. You know, and as you're bleeding out, I'm going to look into your eyes and I'm going to say, your mustache has to smell a mildewed saddle blanket would have if it rides 300 miles in August on the back of a sore horse.

Oh, shit. These are all things we would say to you now, because you didn't do what we told you. Wait, let me do the intro. Yeah, read the intro. Cowboys are usually known to have heavy cuss words. So if you are going against a cowboy, It is best to have your game up, so you would not land a pratfall

while lashing out at your opponent. I'm here to help you get back at your cowboy rivals. You could cut hard, harsh, and deep at cowboys using these simple and yet classy insults on them, and they are going to remember it forever because of how deep they were cut. That's right.

Wow. That's really nice of them to compile these. Yeah, I mean, it's just a useful resource for people, you know? Because, like, how often do you go up against a cowboy one or two times a week right depending on what part of the country you live in exactly I mean if you're in Arizona's New Mexico I mean it's probably like three or four

times a month yeah and New York once a day easy dude and he's naked too to Times Square yep I'm always having to battle that naked cowboy I'm so sick put out some fucking clothes yeah you farm it dude the guy the guy dressed

chaps at least the guy dressed as Woody from Toy Story that that stands out on Hollywood Boulevard is gonna feel my wrath. Yeah, I'm gonna catch him lacking. He is, he is an op, and he will be caught lacking by me. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. All right, so Cam already did number one. Let's keep it, let's keep it going, dude. All right, ready? Here, I need somebody to fucking... Just think about the fence. Damn it, you're ugly as a burnt boot. That's what, that's what Caleb would say to you.

Yeah, so don't fuck with me. That's kind of the... And that's ugly. I would love for, like, one of those, like, a celebrity scandal where, like, somebody was mean to their wife or whatever, and they leak all the text messages, and it's this shit. You're as ugly as a burnt boot. John Wayne's text messages to his mistress have been leaked.

You're ugly as a burnt boot. That is a cowboy's least favorite thing, too. a burnt boot. That's pretty bad. Yeah, it doesn't feel good on your foot, dude. Cowboys like raw boots. Here's a raw boot.

Here's another insult here. You will have to chew the water before you can swallow it because it is too thick. However, it darn good. Follow this with making an ugly face. What? However, it

darn good. This is more. Sort of an insult towards whatever water. Probably a horse. Yeah. Probably a horse that you led to water. But no, then it's saying the water is good. It's like they say, you have to chew the water.

But you have to follow it by making an ugly face. The problem is not, well, they're saying you have to chew the water, but the water's good. Like, the problem's not with the water. It's you. Yeah. Why is, why do you have to chew the water? Because it is too thick. Why are, where are you getting this?

thick water from, dude. The H-3-O. Thicket? You're drinking thicket? Is that like a cowboy? Did cowboys come up with thicket? Well, they're constantly falling in thicket bushes. Good point.

Cowboy Mio just thickens up the water. Tobacco Mio. All right, this one's actually pretty, this one's pretty fire, dude. Yeah. I'm pretty sure your family tree was definitely a shrub. Wow. That's right. whatever that I mean

I'm pretty sure You got a small family pal You're not that old You don't have that many ancestors You're a new kind of person And you only started a couple of decades ago You got parents and you got grandparents And it ends there somehow

They never had anybody Pass that Yeah your grandparents were orphans Yep Grandparents dropped off by the snow Nobody had no brothers nor sisters neither Your family tree is just a single V There's like five guys

And that was your family tree You low down son of a bitch Um here's another one Well when you want to unload and clean your gun He ain't any fit to suit at Forget it man That seems like it's a line from a movie It's like an MF Doom rap

Yeah, it rhymes too Hey Caleb What? There's definitely nothing under your hat Except hair This guy doesn't have a hat or hair I have neither What do I have then?

Head phones That's right That's fucking right Dude A hog knows more about a hip pocket In a bathing suit Than you know about anything There's a lot of hog insurers, too, back to back.

Basically, a hog was the stupidest thing you could be back there. You know way less than a hog knows a side saddle. And a hip pocket in a bathing suit is something so obvious. Something everybody knows about. Even a hog you think would know about it, but nope. No. I mean, that's, it really was just like, that was the, that was the dumbest guy that you knew was an actual fucking hog back there. They used to hang out with hogs.

That was your, but you're like stupidest friend. I mean, the towns back then were like 15 people. So it's like, you can only go so long for you. You have to like be like, well, I need a new friend group. I might as well hang out with like this guy's hogs. Yeah. Everybody had that one hog from their hometown. God forbid your last name was hog.

That would have been really, really bad. David Hogg. Because back then, whatever your last name is, that's what you are. Yeah. You know, with like, you know, Cooper, they make barrels or whatever, Smith. They're blacksmith. Hog, you're a hog. Such a good point.

I know You're such a fucking We're changing We're moving to a podcast Where we make points now To see you guys know That's right We're moving away

Truth bombs Jokes This is more about Not even necessarily Truth bomb Just kind of stuff you hear And you go Hmm

And that is a Interesting Intriguing Mm-hmm Yeah We're here to intrigue More than entertain Exactly

Yeah Yeah You know way less Then a hog Nose aside saddle. Okay, so that's kind of repeating the same same things earlier. I don't know if I love that. A hog. I read that one.

You, hmm? I read that one while you guys were talking and I didn't realize. What? I'm confused by what you're trying to say right now. Never mind. Yeah, you're basically acting a hog right now. Oh, no. A hog probably, acting a hog. You could a hog probably knows about a side saddle. Yeah. A hog, hogs are actually, here's the fucked up part, dude. A hog is so much smarter than a dog or a frog. He's one of the smartest og animals.

Absolutely. And they're pretending like hogs know nothing. Hog's actually having extreme emotional intelligence. True. They're, I think, comparable intelligence-wise to like a two- or three-year-old human being. Absolutely. And that's intriguing. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know why they keep...

Because they can speak. They can say... You know what? I'm going to re-write this one. I would say hogs is punching down in a huge way. Here's what I'm going to say. I say we rewrite this insult. It's and to be like this, okay? You know, you know way less than a stupid person knows about knowledge. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Because that makes more sense. I could see a cowboy saying that. Now we also, now we kind of have a framework that, on which you could lay almost anything to make a cowboy insult. Absolutely. Which is, you know less than X about, that does not know about Y, knows about Y.

Yeah, and X and Y. X and Y. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you could say, Like, you know, you know. And I mean, if you're looking for something fascinating, X and Y, those are also used in algebra.

Yep. Yeah, and so now we're kind of turning into a mathematical formula about how to make a cowboy insult, you know? You could do, I mean, like, all right, let's come, you could say, you know, you know, you know less, you know less than a, about anything than a chair knows about standing up. Right. Like, there's one, you know.

I mean, you can just keep, you can just look. around you know less about anything than guacamole knows about being red oh that's pretty good it's one of the you can just kind of look around what's around you and kind of just make it from there like like you could do like you know you know less than a hat knows about water bottle yeah it's easy you know less about than a french fry knows it's knows what day of the week it is fucking idiot ass cowboy see that's actually another thing you add at the end like fucking idiot ass cowboy Idiot-ass, bust-ass cowboy with the fucking Fee-Fee haircut. Get a line up.

Come correct when you're popping off with the saloon. My boy at the saloon tonight's spinning all night long. Come through. You know way less than Michael knows about David. Just two guys in the room? Yeah, see, if you know, if those are two guys, that don't know each other, and they're in the room. That works, too.

Did Michael beat David? See, and they already know more about each other than you know about anything, so that's kind of the point I was making in this cowboy voice. Look, they're fast friends. Look at them. I mean, they're already exchanging numbers. You know less than Superman knows about Spider-Man. They're from different superhero universes.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, see, that's it. don't know about each other. Pretty much anything. You can follow along at home. You can do your own sort of mad-libs thing that we got going on. Yeah, but don't tell them to us because we're mad at you.

Yep. Yeah, because we're also pissed about the lack of hype. Yeah, we're still so mad at you. Yeah, I am. I forget. I'll forgive you. I'll forgive you in a week. But until then.

If you hype up the next episode to the point that we want. Yep. All right. Here's another one. Yeah. Forget him. I just realized that he could not even drive nails into a snow bank. I just realized this.

Yeah. You know, forget that guy. You know what I just realized randomly right now? Like right now? It couldn't even put a nail in snow. I just realized it's a good way to start an insult because it misdirects you. Right. You don't expect an insult to come after I just realized.

Yeah, you expect a fact or something. Yeah, exactly. You expect them to just be like, I just realized I don't like this guy. I just realized I left the fire on back at home. I just realized that a fire truck ain't blue, and this guy knows less about what a fire truck could know about setting a fire. Yep. And the cowboy, I mean, that's like some fucking...

Cowboys like opposites. That's something when it comes to Cowboy insults. That's true, yes. It's true. For example, I am pretty certain that you cannot tell wild honey from dung. That's great on a little. blind guy that's like yeah yeah like if you're battling a blind cowboy that's also good if there's someone nearby who has like really viscous like clearish like yellow poop for example a bee

a bee is a good example of honey is just bee poop yeah so really they're not that difference so that's also that's very interesting showing his lack of uh of uh scientific knowledge you know uh i like this next one a lot your face is as puckered as wet sheepskin would be in front of a hot fire bite that see this introduces a catchphrase element yeah where at the end you would just say bite that bite that's a good that's a really good catchphrase i think so yeah that's biting danny mclintock you don't want to you i'm telling you you don't want to fuck it you don't want to miss with that you don't want to enter a word duel with him that's what they called rap battles back then yeah yeah

Back then, a rap battle, yeah, you would both be the first at the same time. Well, me as the judge, I couldn't quite make out what either one of them was saying, because they said them at just about the same time. But I'm going to call this one yet another draw. That's our 20th in a row. Well, I couldn't tell exactly what they were rapping, but seeing as Slim's dead and old Joe's still staying with the smoking gun, I'd have to say he won.

This next one is really, really something. A popcorn on fire has more calm than you would ever have. Wow. I mean, before the invention. Yeah. Fuck. Before the invention of the microwave, I mean. I guess you did just throw popcorn on fire, huh?

Yeah. Also, I mean, telling a cowboy that he's not calm. Right? Yeah. Yeah, you got shaky hands, partner. Yeah. Oh, I guess that makes sense. You're freaking out.

You're bugging. You suffer from anxiety. Excitur. We have a support group if you want to... If you'd like to moseon up there. Here's one. We meet every weekend. You are...

You are so ugly that you could back a buzzard right off a gut wagon. What's a gut wagon? That's a wagon full of guts. Oh, shit. It is a wagon full of guts Refraise that into a cowboy insult right now Because I'm not accepting a regular insult Your gut's just about a gut wagon's worth a waste

You no good woppy willow Retry that You're just about as fat as a hogs Handbag you You hairy homo Refraise that again Your gut must need wheels to be a wagon.

I'm just throwing an idea here. You're a milphy Mario Mexican. You misty mire. All right. You know what? It's pretty good. I like the alliteration in that one. I think that's a big thing with cowboy insults, too, is alliteration. Yeah.

Absolutely. Like for this one, here has some good alliteration. Even if you had as many as three throws. That's the alliteration. You cannot hit the ground. with your hat. What does that mean? It means you can't hoop, dude.

No, it means you have an infinite throw. This guy can't hit three throws. You could throw the hat out of orbit right away. True. This guy... Every time. It means you have a zero gravity hat. Damn.

Yeah, and it just keeps on flying, dude. Yeah, you know what it means? It means you live in space. No ground. Space cowboy? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my God.

They should make a TV show out of that. Mm-hmm. This next one's good. You know what? It needs jazz. This next one is good. The one after that, I think, is my favorite one so far. Me too.

This next one is, uh... You have to sneak up on a dipper just to get a drink of water, only because of your ugliness. Why do you have to sneak up on the dipper? Because you're so ugly. Like a spoon? I think a dipper is like a well type thing. Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, the... Yeah. And you have to sneak up on it because it would run away because you're ugly. Pat, read this next one for us. All right. I think you're going to like this one. The best one so far. You are so mean.

Just giving up, dude. Come on. I mean, how is that going to be effective towards a cold-blooded cow poke? Yeah, that's a comeback is what that is. Exactly. That's a finisher. Yeah, roasted. You are so mean.

Just destroyed. bodied. Here, we have another set of two here. These next two kind of go together, I feel like. I'm sure you would give the Rattler the first bite if you were in a fight with it. Okay. The Rattler's just a guy that lived in the town. Yeah.

There's a guy he ran around with two Maracas and then the other one kind of copying that one. You are so mean that you could dine in the same dish with a snake. See, that also. just says you are so mean at the beginning. Why, a cowboy's supposed to be mean, dude. Yeah. I don't get this angle. Well, that's the kind of insult that doesn't hurt them, like, on the surface,

but they go home and they think about that around the fire. Maybe I change my waist. Maybe I'm just a mean guy. Yeah. Fuck, I should just be a hogue. Here's a... You should be hired as a scarecrow. Crows in farms

See, that one's pretty good Multiple scarecrows? Yeah, because you're so fat. Yeah, exactly, you're so fat that you could be multiple scarecrows In multiple farms, yeah. That's how fucking fat you are. Across the state from each other.

You could be just stretched so wide, you cover farms from sea to shining sea. There's so many of you that you could be multiple scarecrows. This is another kind of. a simple, short, sweet one. You are crooked. I really like this next one, too, another crooked one. Yeah.

With how crooked you are, you could swallow nails and spit corkscrews. Erwa. That's what I used to say, it's old English for you. Yeah, it's a R-W at the end of that one. He had a nerve to say the beans was deceitful because they would talk behind your back. Fuck, I hate the beans. Who are the beans? Fuck, dude, you know the beans? Because the beans make you fart, dude.

You talk behind your back. The beans is the powers the beans. The next, the next one is also bean themed. Okay. Even a beans would be more modest and honest than you. God damn it, I hate the beans. Oh, man. A beans.

Dude, when you're a cowboy fucking making your, doing your beat And you see the beans, dude? Fucking six shots straight to the beans. Yeah, it's on site when I see the beans. That cowboy moved with the beans. Yeah. The next one is really good.

It is good. You're going to read it? Well, you're the one who said it. Why would I read it? Go to hell with your shenanigans. See, this is like if you know a prankster cowboy. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Man, that was a big problem back in the day. Stop putting snakes in my. peanut brittle to hell with your shenanigans yeah that was actually a really big problem

I know that you're they put snakes in anything dude I know that your finger's not really coming off I know that that's just your thumb I know that pencil late made a rubber

quit your shenanigans and go to hell you don't have my nose my nose my nose stands square on my face I could smell you from a mile away Yeah

Okay, this is the next one Um Hoie, everyone Little say the person's name Is as shy of brains Just as much as a buffalo wood with feathers So true This is kind of back to the

The formula we developed Also a buffalo could have feathers I don't know what I've ever seen Yeah Yeah Yo! Exactly. That's some real shit.

Fax. Cameron's spit and facts. Facts, once again, from Camdog. I don't know what this next one means. Shame on you. I bet you could not even track a bed wagon. It's a wagon for beds. I guess it's a wagon that's very easy to track.

Probably. Yeah, it's probably a wagon that's like painted red. What is this next one? Just as a terrapinism of feathers, you are. as shy of brains. Back to the feathers, okay. And a terrapin now. Yeah.

Terrapin is a station. It's a turtle. They once needed to throw a diamond hitch just to keep them in the saddle. Yeah, that is how fat he is. That one includes a second line that you can turn and say if there's someone standing next to you. Yeah. Which the other insults don't usually do, so that's nice.

Which is true. You'd have your deputy with you. Exactly. Yeah, so you could say the insult, and then you can turn. and say, That's because he's stupid. Yeah, that's because of how fat he is. That's why I said all that crap.

That's why I'm being mean. In the Wild West. That's why I'm being mean to him. Yeah. Even molasses would not run down your legs because of your laziness. You just stick in your butt. That's the molasses that's lazy, not you. Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly. Here's one. How lazy is this fucking molasses? The way you grit your teeth, one would think that you are capable to biting sights off a six gun. Oh, I thought it was... And then the deputy would be like, yeah, yeah, that's because of how the way he grits his teeth. He's got bad teeth or some. I don't know what the insult is supposed to be saying here.

Honestly, these cowboy insults are kind of bad. There's a... I just moved to... the Wild West and I don't quite understand these yet. I'm from Maine. So I just realized that the ones we were all just reading are under the heading the best Cowboy Insults. So those are all the best ones.

And then there's a second heading that's even more Cowboy Insults. So those were all the good ones. These ones... Yeah, of course they were. Are not as good. So these are the kind of medium Cowboy Insults. All right. Yeah.

These are a little more poetic. Yeah. It's a little more situational. I think I kind of like From just looking at these ones I think I kind of like these ones better These are the British villain Who lives in the West for some reason

And is like an oil barren Why are you not as crooked As the snake would be in a cactus path See that makes sense Would it shock you to realize That your brain cavity would not make A drinking cup for canary birds I bet it would not because you already know

Ha ha It's actually crazy how much better that works I know These are good in that voice I would bet your cows Reason better than you See these are words A cowboy would just never fucking use

Right absolutely Reason brain cavity Yeah right No way dude Cowboys are stupid With how you think I fear your cows control you I fear your cows control you

I fear your cows control you Is it me or does someone moo around here? Okay, so whoever... Wait, these are all cows. It is no surprising if you have behaved like cows.

You eat and sleep with them. The next one they accidentally included. They were just hanging out with a guy and a huge field full of cows and they were just writing down everything he said and they accidentally wrote this one down instead of an insult. Whoa, careful.

A cow is passing. Dude, these are way better. What the fuck? Yeah, really good. These are scared. All right, I'm going to try one in a cowboy accent. I do think we need to at least try to do one in a cowboy accent. I'm sure your cows reduced in number by one.

Return to them. See, well, now let's compare it, right? It's okay. Yeah, okay. I'll do it in the... I am sure your cows reduced in number. number by one return to them see okay now I'm confused maybe try Jamaican okay I am sure your cows reduce the number by one return to them seeing like this next one mentions evolution a cowboy can't

do this one cowboy is never heard of evolution this could also be believe it this could also do these a nerd like you could do it like this whoever thought evolution and could not go the other way around, just needs to meet you and think otherwise. Damn. So you went this, that's if you're talking to like a newt. You know?

You're talking to an amoeba or something. That's really good. A very, like, simple kind of water-based creature. Yeah. You could say that one too. You say, it wrapped all the way back around. You went all the way to alien and then you came back around. If you're a nerd and you're talking to a water creature,

just keep that one in the back. of your head. I wonder they have a nerd insults on this website. We'll have to come back to this website. Yeah, this is so much stuff on here. Come on, come on, we've got to finish it out here. All right. Cows must think you are stupid.

I can see a cowboy saying that one, though. That's true. Cows must think you're stupid. That is good. Yeah, that works you to do. Someone baths in dung. It is baths. It's not bass.

It's bass. It's bass. Some of me bathing and dung. Is it me? Or does it smell like cows around here? Yeah, they did. Something is totally cow. They were hanging out with the British guy who was seeing cows for the first time.

Hey, you're a cowboy, right? Yes. I am. Yes. Yes, I love cows. Good. Because I have this assignment for WordPress, and I need to fucking finish it. Hi, I'm a blogger.

I work for WordPress.com. Just want to get some cowboy insults out of you. You said cow insults, yes? Yeah, cowboy insults. Your utters are as short as can be. Yeah, that works. That's a cowboy insult. We'll take that.

Yeah, it's like a boy cow. One of those buzzfeed videos that's like Pakistani tribesmen, try monster energy for the first time, but it's like British FOP sees a cow for the first time. And he's just sitting there. He just thinks it's a guy. They're going, even your cows wonder how you manage to own them the whole time. This last one is the same as the one you just read.

No, it's not. I bet your cows control themselves. Yeah, that's a good one, though. That's just, that's kind of, I would say that's more of a compliment. That's like saying you have smart cows. Your cows are so smart and well-behaved. You phrase some of the smartest cows, you asshole. You don't want smart cows.

And then you turn around and talk to your deputy. Yeah, I said that because you had smart cows. And everybody goes, yeah. Good. Good work, boss. Yeah. Good one, boss. Yeah. Well, back to dirt farming.

All right. That's the end of cowboy insults. Yeah. Again, we're bummed out that there was no hype. Yeah, and it's all you're going to eat your words when you listen to this one. Fuck you Absolutely fuck you Bye

Bye Bye Hi this is Cameron I'm my Shitty Headphone mic I found the squirtoon thing So I'm putting it

At the end Fuck you Too late now You look like chucky cheese When you laugh Dude I'm gonna squirt on you You're gonna get squirted on Oh I'm fucking squirting

yeah i'm squirting sam elliot my new schedule on you oh oh fuck i'm about to squirt god damn i'm about pretty there's two types of people in this world there's them that squirts and them that's get squirted you have a target do you have a target for me to squirt on oh so i can squirt 300 yards out i reckon i must be your new neighbor i wanted to know if you wanted to see me squirt in your front yard because I'm going to be doing it for about 15 minutes. Now, I reckon I lift an old squater, squatoon, squirtoon. Squirtoon. You bust open the double saloon doors.

You cock your leg and you squirt directly into a bucket. Well, peers are I done ruin your squirtoon here. Take this $3 bill. Go buy a new one. Good bout cover it. I think I left my squirtoon in your house. Hey, Susie, this is awkward, but I was over for dinner a couple nights ago. You made the Trader Joe's soyaki chicken.

Yeah, I think I maybe left my squirtoon there in the powder room. You wouldn't mind my mailing it back. Yeah, I reckon I'm your new neighbor. I was actually, before you guys moved in, I was using your apartment for Target practice. And I think I left a stray squirtoon on your wall. I don't know if you got rid of it or anything I wrestled through your dumpster for a while but all I found were snacks.