Podcast About List - Ep. 141 - This one is about the zoo :)

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

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You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. Podcasts to the ball list. You're any crap monster. Recording now. Are you eating a pickle? Patrick forgot out. Oh, did you get one of those jaw trainers? What do you mean?

Oh, my God, he's using a fucking jaw. Oh, that's going to sound horrible. It sounds really gross. I'm trying to look smacks right now. Those don't... Caleb, those don't work. I'm trying to max my looks out. Those things don't work.

It's not going to make your jaw look wider. Excuse me? Sorry, do you... Are you seeing these gains on my face? Hold on now. Hold on. Yeah, sorry. Do you want to take back what you just said

and stop slandering this company? No, I'm not going to take back what I said. Your top and bottom front teeth are going to fall out from that. It's actually improved my life in every single way. It's fixed my oral fixation, so I don't have to eat pussy all the time. And then plus, I, it fixes my teeth. TMJ, too. I have less jaw pain in general. You know what? If it does fix, I have TMJ pretty bad. That's the reason I got it. But actually, I did it for the looks maxing. Oh, wait.

Because we have, we have... Do you hear that? Ugh. Stop making nasty jaw sounds, dog. That's my jaw clicks. I don't know why. Stop making disgusting noises. Listen to this crazy noise that my jaw makes. That's what happens when I chew. Yeah, but the noise comes out of my ass, so I have to put the microphone really close to my ass. But I'm just clicking my jaw. No, I have to look smacks, because we've got live shows coming up. Imagine if you sit down, sit down to dinner at a restaurant and just start eating. And every time you chew, your feet are just going, people do it, dude. Yeah, people with rude manners.

Eating a slice of toast at breakfast, and it just sounds like, yeah, just the driest thing in the world. Yeah, it's a cracker. Sir, did you bring those cheez-its yourself? Where did you get those cheez-its? I don't, shut up. Dude, they're Gusser's Cheez-Its. They have slime inside. They sound awesome.

Yeah, the new Cheez-Its-It's, like, Gushers Collapse. I don't want a Gushers-X Cheez-It's drop. That's disgusting, dog. Oh, can you imagine how dry? Cheez-It's streetware drop. Can you imagine how dry the cheese stuff would be inside of the gusher's cheese? Well, no, so they'd be like a combo. The cheese-it is free-flavored, and then the slime inside is cheese-flavored.

It would just be, it would just be a cheese stuff. combo. They've already made Goucher's peaches. Combo suck, dude. That's a bad snack. Oh, man. I fucking, I can never eat pretzel combos again.

Pizza combos. The pretzel pizza ones? I can't eat those. Make up your mind here. Pizza pretzel. Popcorn combos, dude. Popcorn pizza. Why can't you eat them? Peta bed pretzels. I, you know, they're like a dollar at

like 7-Eleven or whatever. Here's a combo. flavor for you. Bacon and eggs. Why didn't they made that? Scrambled in eggs. You know, like a hard-boiled egg kind of has that combo middle consistency

on the yoke. You could put some bacon inside of it. Gushers' eggs. Gushers' eggs would be fucking genius, dude. You crack it open and instead of a yoke, it's like fruit. Yeah, but it is still a yoke. An egg full of raspberry jelly?

That's actually a good idea. We're inventing British food as we speak right now. We're adding to the canon. This is crazy. Oh, man. Would that be called? Egg gusher.

Monkey flupper. Yeah? Yeah, that's probably called it the thuddy. Queen's pieces. Thuddy rumkin. Queen's pieces is really good. Yeah. Smelly tincture.

Yeah. Just eat all that, dude. It sounds so good. Satherton's bit. Restrooms be light. Worcester's pouch. Worcesters pouch is good. Worcestershire. Oh, don't fucking do that. You know I fucking hate that. I do. Dude, it's so, it's so awesome. It's so awesome. It is so easy to pronounce. It's one of the easiest words to pronounce it. Yeah, when you've been told it your whole life, though, what do you mean? There's a place in New England called Worcester. So of course you know how to fucking pronounce Worcesters sauce. Does it take you more than one time of being told how something is pronounced to learn it? Are you that stupid?

No. Worcestershire. Most people, sure, sure, sure, sure. But most people have never learned that. word so so i'm just saying learn it once it doesn't take you that many if you weren't from new england like you being who you are if i tried to explain to you that there was a silent sea in the middle of that word you would be like that's bullshit you'd be you would be one of the absolutely you'd be if you're from california you'd be one of those people who can't pronounce it no that's not true unquestionably dude no i watched too much monte python as a child might be a problem yeah yeah okay but also in this reality you've not watched you've never watched anything you've never a word before.

Okay. So I'm learning, I'm learning English from the ground up. Yeah. And you can't read and you have no mouth. Yeah.

You're learning, Hey, bud, good luck. English from the ground up as in you are in the ground. Okay. You're underground in a hole. You're dead. And every time I learn a new word,

I rise up. No, you, that's how you should have to learn English. Yeah. You should be buried in every word that you learn get to go up one inch. Right?

Until you finally ascend and become a real person who knows how to say all the English words. It's true. Right? What's the last word? Hey, that's how I learned. Last word is Worcestershire's house.

Fuck you. That one is honestly real. I just missed. Dude, I love... Wissas. Wissau. Wistis sauce. Wistis sauce.

Wistice sauce. I love me that Wusser's assau. Woss. Woss. Just try. Never heard over to say it and he just comes out as woss. A man and wastesse sauce. I think it's regional.

I think it's like local to New England, but it's this sauce called aso sauce. Asshole sauce. Yeah, that's what I've called it. Oh, come on. You stole my joke in the past. I hate you. Yeah, asshole sauce.

I'm gonna go back and steal your jokes. It's good. It's like a char sous, like barbecue sauce. Charsu? Is that how do you say it? Nope. You missed another. See, this is exactly what I fucking mean.

That's a different language. It's Chinese. or Mandarin or I don't know Tread carefully here They might get you dude I might get you for that one Yeah we might have to cancel the live show Charcy

Charcy suit Oh yeah we mentioned Yeah so we're doing a live show Next month We have some time next month May 27th It's 27th Yeah May 27th

I told everyone it was the 28th Who is everyone We've known for like 12 hours Who is every What do you I hate you The 27th at the hideout The White Bull Tavern

In near like Vanu Hall 8 p.m. Be there. Let's go Boston, Massachusetts. America. Yes, sir. The earth. I'm going to be fully vaxed by then. Oh, I think we all would. We should all be vexed up.

None of us will be vaccinated. Yeah, we will all be very sick. And you cannot wear a mask at this show, folks. No, dude, I want to see those smiles. Mm-hmm. Show me those smiles. How am I going to know you like the show? Exactly.

If I hear laughter and Everyone's wearing a mask. I'm going to think they're pumping in the laughter from speakers. Exactly. And then I'm going to get embarrassed. Yeah. Oh, man. I've not done...

I'm so nervous for this show. I'm nervous, too, dude. I'm going to get staged right. I'm going to cry. Oh, man. I think it'll be the first time that I've talked to more than two people at once. Right. And a year.

Yeah. Hopefully it doesn't, like... I mean, hopefully it's not like a... Usually nobody comes to this fucking thing. I'm hoping to... I hope nobody comes. I'm like, I'm so nervous about like pandemics. Like, what if somebody gets COVID from our live show?

Didn't that be fucking epic? That would be, that would stay with me for like the rest of my life. You are a terrible salesman. We're supposed to be pushing tickets to this show. And you're like, oh, I hope nobody gets COVID at the show. You fucking retort. What are you doing, dude? We are being recorded right now.

What is wrong? with you, dude. Oh, yeah, by the way, the stairs are slippery and the drinks are too expensive at the venue. Oh, I hope nobody comes. I fucking, what is wrong with you, dude? Oh, my God. I'm not concerned about any of that. I hate you.

It's all part of a bit. It's all part of a bit on doing. I bet. I bet, yeah. I bet, yeah. Oh, and I'm going to have so much stage fright that it's going to suck. Oh, fuck. No.

I'm going to, when I get on stage, I'm going to get to. but so scared I'm going to have to cover my face with my hands and start shivering. Here's a trick. Here's what I learned doing stand up is that you have to give yourself an erection 15 minutes before the show. No, no, you told me this. That's just edging, dude. Yeah, you're, yeah.

No, I know what it is. What are you fucking talking about? Yeah, I know it's called edgy. You're acting like you invented it. You acted like... No, I didn't. No, Gus Veros invented it. Yeah, Gus invented. Gus Veros told me to do that before I got on stage.

Gus the Playboy from the Patrick Goes to Jollybee video. Yeah, yeah. He invented. He invented fucking jacking off. I mean, not fucking trying to come here. Not like looking at, well, you can look at a little bit of porn just to, like, get your fucking thing hard. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, I'm not edging with you guys backstage. No, not with each other.

You got to, like, throw some chairs around and stuff. Yeah. That's what you do. See, my comedy comes from love and not anger. It's not anger. it's pain. What do you mean? No, that's perversion.

No, it's pure love that I'm making in my hand in a multi-stall bathroom. Just a little bit, though. Don't. Okay, I'm the fucking bad salesman. You're telling the fucking venue that you're gonna jack off at their place. I'm gonna say this much.

Don't shake my hand after the show. You will regret it. I will be fully vaccinated. You're still not gonna want to shake my hand. You're not gonna like it. Don't do it. And don't touch the microphone after for the people who work at the venue.

Yeah, we're gonna do like a, what's that guy's name? Don't talk to us because we're shy. Yeah, yeah, and don't... Basically, don't laugh. Everybody's going to have to turn around and not look at the stage because of how shy we are. And we'll talk in the mic. Yeah, if nobody's looking at the stage, we'll talk like this normally.

But if even one set of eyes is looking at us... You close your eyes. Yeah. Close your eyes. Can you close your eyes, please? And if you try to fucking... If you try to fucking talk to us while we're on the stage, you try to heckle us, I will have my uncle's gun.

Yep. Hey man. And if I see you texting during the show, I'm grabbing your phone. I'm telling your mom you're dead. Uh-huh. Yep. That's right. I'm saying, excuse me, Mrs. Stupid, because that's your last name.

Yep. Mrs. Obama. Your son decided in a car crash. This is an EMT. Also, you are so beautiful from your contact picture. Oh, yeah. Do you want to FaceTime me? I can just tell by how, by your contact photo, which is very small, how beautiful you are.

I can just tell by the eloquence with which you text your son, dinner is ready, please come upstairs. It's chicken nuggets. And also, what if, what a, ma'am, you have a beautiful name. What is that? French. Mom. It's so gorgeous.

M. Yeah. But your son is dead. Do you want to see a picture of his blood and entrails on the street? Do you want to see a picture of me next to your son's dead body? He drowned eating poop out of the toilet. Would you like to see a photo of his body? Yeah, sending her a picture.

It's like, damn, this sucks with like his son's car. We were turned out of the show. Just sent, like, the picture, the picture of like Chris Farley. we will be faking somebody's death at the show some lucky person in the audience will have their death faked on the house this time

we'll do the first one free yeah normally you gotta pay but we're excited please go get tickets they're on event bright or something what's the deal with the tickets we'll put a cast in that list you gotta buy them in groups

oh yeah because of COVID there's something where you can't sit like two people from different parties at the table so bring a friend you gotta have two people with you uh anyway we can stop plugging this now so the pat doesn't make it sound even

worse I feel like that was a pretty important thing to bring up why and bring Mace too yeah it's a very dangerous neighborhood and also it's impossible to get to through public transportation you're going to want to bring golden armor

and some kind of boat that can swim in lava I'll figure out how to be a good showman pull up in a bulletproof test stay strapped You're going to want to, just in case you get at Fanual Hall, you get break danced on. Oh, yeah. That's because the Christmas tree falls on you. Oh, no.

If you see that. The Christmas tree that's up right now. That living statue's going to steal from you. Yeah, the 10 man's going to take you down. Let me tell you so. There are some dangerous teens that shop at that Newberry comics. And they're going to come after you with Rick and Morty shot glasses and I'm going to throw them at you.

And look, that hard rock cafe, you know, they sell heroin to rock stars. I mean, here's the thing, hard rock. I mean, what's more dangerous than that, you know? You know, I like to call it, I like to call it Gangsta Hard Rock because of how there's often gangsta kind of sub-themes into the music. Gangsta is the same as gangster, but it's different. Yeah, for those who aren't hood like me, there's basically, you drop the ER and it makes it even more street, more gangster, more flow and more, more, more, yeah, more urban, kind of more word, you know, a little more word on it. A little bit dope, a little bit dope and a little bit

fly so all my gangsters and gangsta ets like come out to the show no cap come out to the show if you're vaccinated and nope no vaccine necessary come out fucking spitting coughing fucking I want this to be I want this to be as safe as possible I'm gonna be wearing a big hazmat suit the whole show I want you to die I'm trying to kill Pat as soon as possible if anybody could come with maybe a new virus we live next to each other you could kill me whenever pat ain't no HIV vaccine buddy and I'm gonna stick you with it so you might want to watch out come on that's right i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna vaccine going once vaccine going twice i'm gonna hire a bushman to sit in the back of the audience and shoot

you with a dart full of HIV out of a out of a bamboo stick yeah that's how you're gonna go and die that's how they got easily i'm gonna i'm gonna drink a i'm gonna drink a bunch of HIV and then i'm to sit in a hot plate and diffuse it into the room so you breathe it in. Oh, that's a pretty good idea. You want to be able to detect it. Yeah, that's a really, really good idea. And then I'll fuck you, too, just in case. See, that's why, I have it, and that's why

I fucking jack off before I start doing stand-up, because it's like walking around a loaded gun. You're doing too much this HIV stuff. Why? It's a serious disease. Tell me what's... Yeah, and you're going to die from it. Yeah, it's going to be fucking serious when you have it, bud.

Not enough chicken soup in the world for that. what do you mean I mean you're gonna be sick yeah you're gonna be lying in bed with a with a hot compress on your head and a thermometer in your mouth yep and you're gonna say mom I can't go to school today yeah she's gonna say why

I never go to school again bitch don't talk like that don't talk to me like that what's up what's up don't what's up me what's up? Don't say what's up bitch what's up bitch I'm fucking down the street from you dude I'll crack your shit Come over right now, we'll fight.

That might be pretty good, actually. What, you're going to leave and then come fight me? Yeah, that might be the best episode ever. No. We just cut, and then it's just, I mean, it's not going to take long. I don't beat his ass out. I have stuff to do tonight. I don't want to sit here and wait for me to beat Pat's ass.

You can walk over there if you stay on your phone the whole time and we don't have any downtime, but I refuse to let you do that. How about we just plan a fight and we'll record it then? Okay. All right, sound good? Me, you. You guys better not fight without me there. How about at the show?

Okay, that's a good. We were trying to brainstorm what to do. Yeah. What if I just beat the shit out of Pat? No, you've done that before. I'm going to put you in the ambulance. Oh, yeah. When I went and visited Pat, just every time that we walked outside,

I would say Fight Club and punch him really hard. Yeah. Yeah, and he didn't like it. And then me and Cam teamed up on him, and he went to listen to the apartment. I was so scared. Yeah, you fucking fight clubbed me. Yeah, you fucking. Five Club's cool, dude.

Yeah, dude, it's called Respecting Your Brothers. Yeah, it's called Project Mayhem. I already got blood in, blood outed. No, I'm going to put some blood in you, and you're not going to like the kind of blood that's going in. Come on, don't bring this back up. It's Spider-Man's blood, and you're going to turn into Venom. Oh, yeah, not so fucking, oh, don't talk about this now, huh? I bet you're fucking excited.

Can we not talk about the Venom symbiote, please? Yeah, I know somebody who got it. Who? Who do you know that got the VAT? Venom symbiote. Madge Johnson. All right. No.

No, Patrick. No, he got the fungus, dude. That's different. Yeah. Yeah. He got the fucking fungus. Yeah, Patrick just saw a black guy, and he was like, he must have the venom symbiote. No.

No. You're racist. You have AIDS, and you suck at selling live shows. Fuck you, Pat. And I'm going to. beat your ass. You ruined my life before this show. Oh, no.

Fuck you. That's right. Come on, man. That did not happen. People are going to keep saying that at me. If anything, I'm the bad one in this situation because I said it. So you guys can attack me and leave poor Patrick alone. He's an angel.

That's right. Pat's such an angel. Yeah, he's totally never done anything. Because I'm not fragile and I will not cry if you say mean things to me. I won't cry. I just get upset. I won't either. Definitely won't cry.

I won't. He just turns red. Mm-hmm. You know, starts spinning really fast. Yeah. Dude, he got the carnage symbiote. I hold my breath. Yeah, he just holds his breath until somebody says, I'm sorry.

Yeah. I get really blue in the face. You ever do that when you were a kid? You ever just act like a complete psycho? Oh, my little brother used to, like, like, he wouldn't be allowed to, like, go outside or, like, play video games or something. And he had, like, kind of, like, a speech impediment when he was. younger and he he would sit there

and like scream at my mom and he's like I'm gonna hold my breath my little brother we would we would you a lot of pranks to him growing up we would like

duct tape him to a wall in his sleep because he was like such a such a heavy sleeper that you could just completely pick him up and attach him

to the wall and he wouldn't wake up so he might and my mom would like come upstairs to wake him up for school and he'd be duct taped to the wall

some Malcolm in the middle shit yeah and then he would get so mad that he would get, who'd go down to breakfast before us and he would eat me and my older brother's food. Whoa. Yeah. And I was like, damn, that's diabolical. Yeah.

Like, because that, also, that's an uncomfortable amount of food for an eight-year-old to eat. Right. Like, he was fucking scarfing it down just to, just to throw it at our faces. That's nice that you just had, like, food waiting for you when you're younger. Yeah, well, it was made by my slave. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I used to have to just have to just have to just have to dig up nuts and berries from the forest to have to mix here.

Forage every morning. Yeah. It was annoying. Yeah. So my dad used to have to hunt my neighbor's dog to get some meat. We'd have to wait fucking months for them to get a new one every time to eat dinner. Oh, man, it was the worst. You ever had boiled dog?

It's not that good. Yeah. It's not that good. And it's like we spent all this money on a gatling gun and the dog dies after like two bullets. What a way? Yeah. Going over to the neighbor's house. So you think about getting a new dog since the other one?

and ran away mysteriously? You know, I feel like if you got five dogs it might keep you even better It should start like a breeding thing, you know, and then you could sell off the dogs.

It's a gatling gun with like a silencer on each barrel So the neighbors can't find out They're like, yeah, I don't know We had an electric fence and everything I don't know how we got out Oh man, my tooth is hurting Oh, fuck.

I should recommend something real quick I was supposed to go to the dentist yesterday. yesterday what's today that yeah I was supposed to go fuck dentist dude

you don't need to go the fucking dentist dude I never rescheduled wow I had to get like some fucking yeah I have some like serious fucking dental shit I have to go do

it sucks you have a tooth sticking out of your forehead I do no I have I had to get like like injected something injected in my gums because I have period on Titus.

Yeah, you have a period for sure. Yeah, and I'm squirting it on you. Here's what I'm thinking right now. I'm spraying my period at you. I'm thinking this is a relaxed episode. I'm thinking I'm going to pop a beer. Nice, dude. Caleb with more props.

He's a beer. First, I got my fake eyeballs. I got my chew toy, and I got my beer. And I'm ready to go, dude. I'm ready to record. Are we going yet? Yeah, we're recording. Oh, fuck.

Do you guys want to start the list? Yeah, dude, let's go. Now that I have this beer... I've been drinking these non-alcoholic beers. I got a little something called Nature's Beer. It's a Naljean water bottle filled with... Oh, man, dude, 500 milliliters of water, baby. Yeah, enjoy all those microplastics in your ass, pussy.

They're going to turn me into a Gundam. They will not. They're not an upgrade. They're upgrading my body. I'm becoming a cyborg. The microplastics are not an attachment. I can't wait. I can't wait for Cameron to become a big plastic cyborg.

They're giving me huge. robot powers like not being able to have a baby the first step to becoming a cyborg they're giving me infertility yeah yeah my sperms are pixelated now they can't do shit when they get in there wag damn all right this list is top 10 zoo animals they just they turn when they go into a woman they turn red and they fly out like Mario touching lava they're fucking doing Galliga and your girl yeah yeah All right, top 10 zoo animals. Mm-hmm.

Number one, the penguin. Here's the top comment. Never doubt the penguin. Penguins deserve the number one spot and are not just the best animal in the zoo, but the best animal in the world. It's about time penguins get the respect they deserve. They're the only reason I ever go to zoos. Penguins are the cutest, most interesting animal ever.

Vote penguin, the zoo's best animal ever. I mean, I can't really argue with that. The only time you're ever going to see a penguin is at a zoo. Not if you live in forests of penguins. Oh, that's true. Well, no, in person. Unless you live in Antarctica or something or fucking North Dakota. Do you think penguins are truly as crass as that movie portrayed?

Yeah. You think so? Yeah. Are you kidding? I'm sitting on his egg because I'm gay. Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. What an amazing film.

Yeah, Bob Saggett directed that. I learned. I never knew that. You learned to that in school. Yeah. Yeah. It was on the quiz. It's like, you have to recite the first, like, five lines of the Declaration of,

of independence and who directed farce the penguins. Yeah, it was a math problem where X was Bob Sagget and it was like, solved for director of Fars of the Pinguins. Here's a comment from this from Penguins. One time a penguin got out of its enclosure at the zoo and I was terrified, L.O.L. We should do. You know what? Seeing a penguin in, like in your face, like a penguin, I mean, it's already documented.

It depends what height you are. I have a fear of birds. That's true. You have a fear of birds? Not like, I don't know What about like a penguin? I mean, it can't even fucking fly. I feel like if I looked at a penguin for long enough,

I would start getting freaked out by it. You ever see a swan in real life? You ever get too close? I'm not like, it's not like a debilitating fear. It's not like... I mean, the truth is that pretty much every animal looks fucking creepy if you look out for long enough. Yeah.

But animals are meant to be seen in photos. Yeah. And nature documentary. Dude, if I ever saw a condor in person, I would run away. Dude, well, condors are not very bad. big are you do look at the fucking heads they're not very big they're very small they're very small condors are huge are you thinking of a bacteria maybe yeah sorry i'm thinking of a of a my mycelium my who's sylium me hello i'm sylium hey it's me it's me it's me it's me coryum no condors aren't

that big i think they have a big wing span but they're not like big what okay okay let's see condor condor wait if it weighs under 30 pounds I win. Of course they don't. Of course they don't weigh much. It's a bird. I'll fucking take it down. Boatly different fucking... Like a 20 pounds. Easy. Condor running at you with its fucking wings. I'm not arguing. I'm right. You said they were small. You didn't say they were white. They're not small. Anything that's 20 pounds is small. Not true.

So you're small? Volume speaking. I'm not 20 pounds. Okay. So you're 300 pounds? I'm 175. You're either 300 or 20 pick right now. 300. Easy. Best, easiest decision of my life. You're this big. You have the density of a neutron star. Nope. Yep. Yeah, so what? I'll fucking...

Caleb. I'm doing a research and I'm excited to see Penguin are number one. Condor running towards you. Like, full, full arms out. You're not afraid of that.

No, dude, I do the unstoppable force. That's true. The only thing that can stop a conjure. I just hit him with the unstoppable force. Fucking start scissering my legs and fists. Palm in the air. Oh, oh. Yeah.

That's how you defeat anything. Any sort of wild animal. Yeah. It's true. Yeah, it's true. I could fucking, I could hit a penguin. You know what? Okay.

I'll get freaked out by a penguin, but if it, like, charged at me, I would kick it. Yeah. I mean, I would kick anything that charged at me. Also, Pekin can't charge. It fucking wadles and slides. They slide. They slide fast, dude. I just jump over.

Oh, the penguin. All right. Well, that's kind of different. Yeah, it's the penguin of doom charging at you. It's so easy to defeat a penguin, due to the fact that they are, they are earth-backed. right and I humans have invented flight so I would simply I would simply maybe hot air balloon or glide away on a hand glider and jump over it so easy you're setting up a hang lighter because a penguin is just walking towards you just like well you oh you said he's charging

I don't you don't get to switch now I'm like oh you want to get out of the way okay but think about a penguin's charge right think about how slow it would be I would jouse the fuck out of a penguin yeah I With a jousting stick? With another penguin. What are you talking about? Yeah, with a... I just wanted to see what you said.

Jousting stick. What's that called? A lance. A lance. Fucking Lansom, dude. Easy. Penguin cabob for dinner. Easy.

Penguins are pretty cute, especially the jackass penguin. Would you eat a penguin? I would eat anything. I've heard that penguins are bad to eat anything. Of course they're bad to eat, dude. I heard that it smells like chicken and beef. Well, yeah, but you would think a penguin, it's a bird.

You think it would taste like poultry. Why? No, dude, it can't fly and it's got like seal skin. I wouldn't think it, too. I mean, I personally, I personally think pengues are boring. They make these screeching noises. Just throwing in some penguin comments. I love penguins. Me and my friends said that when we grow up, we're going to have a fairy penguin farm.

My favorite bird, and they're so fat and cool. The movie Happy Feet has come to life. that's like my mom didn't think a narwhal was a real animal for many years yeah i didn't think it was either yeah i had to i had to convince her one time and it was the same car ride i owned my mom twice in one car ride where we we were talking about like we drove by like gettysburg and she was like Abraham lincoln it was not real no my mom was like me and my brother was just like laughing like the names of the headstones and shit and she was like well you have some respect Millions of people died here.

I was like, I don't think millions of people died in Kettysburg. I looked it up, and it was like 15,000 fucking guys. That's a million if you, like, if they're small. Just for inflation. Yeah, that is a really good point. That's true, guys were. Guys were worth a lot more. They were worth way more.

Yeah, because you didn't have China and India kind of inflating the numbers on guys. So it was just 15,000 was a ton of people back then. Mm-hmm. Here's a comment from Ernest the Chihuahua. Okay. I went to the zoo today and chilled with the penguins. Yo. Yo.

Do you guys get it? Ernest, you motherfucker. That's pretty good, dude. You silly fuck. Silly fucking freak. You fuck freak. You fuck me. Do you fuck me now?

Why do I suddenly have this urge to play club penguin? Says Roger McBaloney. What is this? Wait, I just, this comment, this comment, is in French, and I put it into Google Translate, and it translates to My No Hope, Mike, no hesitation. My no hope.

My no hope. What? That was written by a panda, dude. Yeah. Or a penguin. It's a panda. So I read pandas. Somebody sees pandas should be number one.

Kind of, I would say cousins in a way. I let that slide, and I was like, I just don't know. I just was paying attention. Yeah. Yeah, I should have just not, I should have just let it go. I would have owned you guys. Sorry, dude, I've had two sips of his beard.

I'm so drunk. Oh, my God, he's wasted. I would say anything right now. Yeah? Yeah. Hey, come over. Okay. To fight you.

No! I'm gonna kill you. No, I would have sex! No. Number two. Goat. Hey, that should be number one if you think about the name. Goat of all time.

Yeah, that's actually a good point. Oh. I don't really fuck with goats. I don't like anything that'll eat your t-shirt. I think goats are cool. I think goats are cool because they're like the devil. Yeah, they'll just like run into people. It's pretty cool.

Yeah, my mom's friends had a farm with goats and they just act like dogs except they headbut you too. Yeah, they'll fuck you up too. It is pretty funny that the devil was like a goat. Like it's the most like, I don't know, I've never really put any thought into that. Just like a goat man. They're fucked up looking animals, dude. They have the weird ass eyes and horns.

They look funny to me. I don't, I can't look at a guy. You must be evil, if you think that, honestly. Yeah, goat's actually funny to me. I'm actually... Hmm. Do you think mass shootings are funny, too? You fucking weirdo?

Huh? Answer me. Stop, you're dancing around this right now. You think the devil is funny? Those are not equivalent. Those are not equivalent. A goat and a mass shooting? You think a pedophile is funny to you?

So you think a mass shooting's funnier than a goat? Okay, so let me get this straight. You think mass shootings, tsunamis, warlocks, all this is funnier to you than a goat. I mean, yeah, evil stuff. You know, warlocks, wizards. So you think, like, you think the Holocaust and, and deadly diseases and nightfall, you think these are all good things?

You think the Holocaust, to you, this is like a tight five? You honestly think that? No. Let me do this straight. Wait, to you, to you, to you, okay, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. False equipment. To you, a sorcerer is a clown? Yeah, let me see.

Depends on the sorcerer. Okay, climate change. Climate change. What's this? A Will Ferrell movie to you? What's this, Anchorman 3? Okay, wait, hold on. Hold on now.

Are you fucking kidding me? Imagine. Will Ferrell... That might be a pretty funny climate change movie. Uh-huh. Maybe it'll make you laugh, but it'll also make you think. That would be a pretty good idea. We could maybe change some minds.

Oh, my God. Wait, hold on. Okay, okay, camera. Pull up the climate change facts. Let's, okay, we'll do some jokes, and then we'll throw climate change facts in between Shut the fuck up. You know we have them. Open the PDF.

Okay. Open, yeah. Number one. Patrick thinks climate change is good and funny. That is actually. Number two. Okay, I'll play the heel. I'll play your heel with my tongue.

I'm going to play it like an instrument, dude. I'm going to have you squeaking and squealing like an oboe. Okay. All right, let's talk about goats. Goat tacos are awesome. I wouldn't eat a goat taco. All the comments are just like, the goats are the best. They are hilarious.

Goats love penguins. Do you think... Have you ever eaten goat? Yeah, goat's good. I used to have goat a lot as a kid. What? Oh, yeah, there was like goat curry and like... I had goat stew.

Goat stew, very common meal in my house growing up. I should go get some goat curry. My mom made this goat stew with peanut butter. Ooh. So good, dude. That sounds... Yeah, she just took, like, a goat leg and put peanut butter on it. Just put peanut butter on it.

And camera was like, ooh. Ooh. I love this. I haven't a goat in a really long time, but it's good. Yeah. I like the normal meats that have been extruded from something. Lamb is, I think. Lamb's really good.

Lamb is really good, too. But lamb, I like in, like, a hero. I like lamb because of how evil it is to eat it. It is pretty, yeah, it's like, like, lamb. Oh, it's the most evil thing. It's like, what if we killed the babies, too? Yeah. It's like, yeah, let's kill the babies, too.

They probably taste even better. It's like, do you, I remember, like, the first time I heard what veal was. Yeah, like, Jesus Christ, dude. Veal is the most evil thing to eat. It's like, yeah, basically we do Chinese water torture to a baby cow until it gets so sad that it dies of depression. Yeah. And that's what you eat in your pasta sauce.

That's what they do to, that's like foie gras, right? Yeah. Gua gua. Foie gras. Foie gras. Yeah, we basically take a duck and we just kill. all of its family. We pump this duck full of shit.

We pump it full of air and we let it float away. Basically do the human centip to a duck and then when it's dead, we take its liver out and feed it to it. And then we eat it raw. Yeah. Yeah, we're basically the most evil people of all time. Oh, man. If you think about meat for long enough, you just realize. I remember one time I went to a Brazilian steakhouse with my grandfather and he ordered chicken hearts.

And it's just like just seeing a bowl full of chicken hearts. is like damn dude come on chicken hearts chicken gizzards all that shit is so good yeah it's really it's so good but then it's amazing it's like it's literally like just like it's like a sorcerer collecting souls in a crystal bar right yeah this is a bowl with like a lives of a hundred chickens inside it yeah that's the other thing you eat something like chicken hearts you realize like oh this is a thousand chickens right these are so small and they're all like they're farmed from like, fucking, like, just, the worst living conditions. They just grow the chickens in the cube from cube.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. And if the chickens escape, then they'll, like, remember they're, like, the lattice cut scene? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, that's how you get chicken nuggets. Yeah. And then, like, like, uh, wag you beef, like, the best beef in the world, it's like, we got these cows so fat that they can't even move.

Right. And then we'd kill them. Yeah. I remember reading about, about, about, like, uh, how they breed turkeys. And, like, they breed turkeys, to get the most, like, meat, they breed turkeys to be so big that they can't fuck. So, there's a person on a turkey farm who has to jack off the turkeys. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, yeah.

Turkey, the fucking turkey jerky man. Having to fucking jack off a bird is made me. That's your job. You fucking, I mean, imagine the suicide rate of that job. Dude, imagine that guy's fucking, like, dating at profile. Everybody is a turkey jerker. The kind of guy who gets a job doing that job. does not need a dating app profile he's happy forever he's like yeah yeah as a fucking bird dick

in his hand whenever he wants and it gets paid for it too he's in the factory he's like one for the boss and one for me one for the boss it says here on your application uh mr gonzow uh number three didn't even finish that joke giraffe would you eat a giraffe Every fucking question I ask. It's just what you eat. Would you eat it? I don't know. I guess.

I would literally, I would eat. If you put the animal meat in front of me, I would eat it. Oh, no. If you don't make me think about, if you don't make me think about the implications or like the,

yeah, if you literally hand me a plate of something and be like, oh, this is a baby giraffe. I'd be like, yeah, I'll eat it right now. I'll take it.

It's already, yeah, exactly. I'm not, I'm not going to go, I wouldn't go out and buy. No, no, no, I would never buy it. I would love to kill it, but I'm not going to eat it. But if somebody, yeah, somebody buys alligator for the table, I'm not going to not take a bite.

That's like killing them, it's killing something that's evil. That's true, yeah. You know, killing any sort of lizard is fine because those are like the most, like, evil creatures in the world. A lizard, a bug, these things should die and they should be eaten as fast as possible. That's why I eat lobsters. Because it's a bug. It's a sea bug. That's awesome, dude.

You read that on crack.com? No. That's really cool. Yeah, it's intriguing Fuck you Fuck you Yeah, it's like a sea broach Once I saw a giraffe

That was sniffing another giraffe's butt So funny How'd that giraffe could probably get his whole neck up The other one's butt If you wanted to Do you think drafts Do you think they like Do you think they get freaked out

When they see like other animals? Yeah Like, I would. I feel like they probably have the same feeling that I have when I see a monkey. Yeah, just remind him, speaking of, like, a monkey, I don't know if you guys saw Godzilla versus Kong yet. Yeah, I saw it. But, like, the whole thing is that, like, Kong has, like, is, like, friends with this little deaf girl who uses, like, sign language to, like, communicate with him. And, like, there's a whole sequence where she's, like, telling him where to go.

And she's, like, oh, you have to go into this, like, tunnel to go inside the earth because your family, like, might be living down there. And I was watching with my dad, and he's like, this is the craziest thing ever to put in a movie because that's like if an aunt started telling you that your family was in a giant hole. It was like, yeah, man, you should go down there. I think your family's in that hole. You should come down our hole.

Seriously, your family's down there. Yeah, your mom's in here. Your mom's making those cookies. Come on, come in our hole. Come in our ant hill. Come on. Gee, I don't know. I don't know if I want to hang out

with all you aunts down. it's just a cliff no seriously it's like the best anthole ever oh yeah your your mom your uncle everybody friends no this is actually this is where you were originally from there's you were in here yeah you've been here no no no you were a baby but you were here yeah you just don't remember there's a flat screen tv down there i'm seriousized all the channel it's playing all the workaholics shows at once has HBO it has workaholics on demand too so you can watch the same episode twice in row it has adam devine's house party you can just fucking sit in hang out with your mom and dad laugh your ass off you know it might be fucking inappropriate for them

but you know no no you get your family can't come up and like say hello to prove they're down there but they might be down there yeah they they they love it it's because they love it down there so much you're oh my god oh i'm cracking up and out of divine doing sign language but with your other hand so it sounds like someone else's voice i'm throwing my hand into the other room I didn't realize that he went full cocoa in that movie He does, dude I mean, I guess I don't want to spoil anything for anybody But he speaks sign language

Godzilla fucks him But Godzilla is ablest And that's why he's destroying the world And fighting King Kong Yeah Number four Polar Bear Would you eat a polar bear?

Yeah, as long as he's not drinking a Coke Oh man Could you imagine how much the Coke The cola would tenderize the polar bear meat? No, but here's it. It's a Guga Foods experiment. He's wanted alive, the Coke polar bear. Yeah, I can't kill the Coke polar bear.

No, you can't. No, fuck, that's like killing the ground hog. That's like killing Ponsetani Phil. You can kill his cousin who drinks Pepsi. Yeah, that's fine. But the Coke polar bear, I mean, I'm going to take him home, and I'm going to put him in aquarium in my house. Yeah, well, okay, I've got a night.

Okay, Pepsi, if you're listening to this, so you've got the Coca-Cola polar bear, right? So, come this winter, the Pepsi penguin. Pepsi penguin, it doesn't make sense. How is he going to hold the fucking glass of Pepsi? Like an egg. He's going to sit on it? No, they put him on their top of their feet. And then they drink it against their stomach.

He can have a straw? What are you guys even talking about? The Pepsi penguin. It doesn't make any sense, dude. Fuck you. It makes sense. A penguin isn't smart enough like a polar bear. You just hate when something rocks your world.

You're right. I'm sorry. My initial reaction, Because something rocked my world was to fight it, but you're right. The Pepsi Penguin is a perfect idea. Make 21 comments. I love bears, and I love white furred animals. So polar bears have always been a great zoo attraction for me.

You love white bears? It's nice. It's perfect, yeah. What's up? You're going to love me. Here's a comment from Trigger Trash Kid. They are white and cute. No racism.

I love him, dude. Trigger Trash Kid is just, I mean, one of the all-timers, dude. We should get him on the live show. He should be our guest. Absolutely. Number five, lion. Yeah. I wouldn't eat a lion.

Why not? We've done this before. Haven't we've talked about... Eating a lion? We talked about animals we would eat, right? That doesn't matter. Yeah, a lion, I don't know. Too gamey.

I wouldn't eat a cat, I guess. Yeah. A cat doesn't sound very delicious to me. It doesn't matter if it's a lion. delicious or not. Yeah, you know what? It's just about eating. It's about if you put it in front of me, I would eat it. You could put, you could like, be like, here's lion meat.

It tastes absolutely disgusting. I would eat it. I have a plate of poop right here for you. That's not meat. It's dog meat. Okay, I'll eat it. It's Patrick meat. Yeah, it's my, this is my meat.

Oh, I need your meat. I put sausage casing on it. Do you think cumin tastes very good? I've heard the human tastes like pork. It tastes like pork, yeah. That's why they called it the long pig. What? That's what they called it.

Back as a euphemism, back when there was like cannibalism. Yeah, well, no, back when people would eat it because of starvation and shit, they would say like, oh yeah, they ate the long pig. Would you guys ever eat me? Yeah. If it was served to me, I'd eat it. I don't know how many times I have to say it. But who would, why would it be served to you?

I don't know. You figure it out. You cut off your legs. I guess I could have lost in some way, so it's kind of my fault. You cut off both of your butt cheeks. I guess if I had to have my leg amputated, I might eat it. Have you ever been, like, cooking something and then, like, and like cutting something up and be like, man, if I cut off my finger right now, I would just throw it in the pot and just see what happens. Because I've thought that before.

Oh, yeah. It's like, if it's an accident, like, I might as well throw my finger in this chicken cassidia and just see what's up. Yeah. I mean, how much of your finger do you really need? Exactly. I would say you need eight fingers. Uh-huh. Any more than eight, you're kind of bragging.

Unless you're a guitarist. If you're a guitarist... If you're a guitarist... You ever know anybody with extra fingers? I did. I knew a kid who had... He had an extra finger on each hand. Yeah, there was a girl at my school.

I had an extra thumb. And I'd just say, you fucking freak. You fucking weird freak. I'd go to his house. His dad was from New Zealand. I'd just fucking laugh at his hands, and his dad would scream at his mom. It's pretty fucking funny.

If Devin's listening... we should link up dog I like messing with lions at the zoo I pretend to be a lion and pretend to attack them just getting mauled a lion's roar equals the price of admission to a zoo every time it kind of sucks at the most fun thing you can do at a zoo

is try to get one of the animals to attack you yeah every time I've been to a zoo which I haven't been since I was a kid I accidentally went to the zoo the other day I'm gonna try to get this gorilla to think he can kill me I went to the zoo last week I accidentally, I accidentally wandered into the Central Park Zoo. We have, uh, in my, in Wilmington, there's like a, there's like a very evil zoo called the Trigimbo Animal Park.

Uh-huh. Where you walk in and like the monkeys are fucking smoking cigarettes and they're all, yeah, yeah, just want to kill themselves. The Stone Zoo used to be evil. They've been trying to shut it down for 20 years and just, yeah, the Stone Zoo, it used to be like, like, that they would just have all the animals in, like, concrete rooms that were painted blue like a child's wallpaper. It was so crazy. It was so insane-looking. But some of those rooms, but some of the animals have better, like, space now, but it's pretty fucked up still.

I remember seeing, because the goat enclosure, right, is like... Yeah. Yeah, you can see that from, like, the highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The highway, the fucking... The road that's next to it, yeah. And this is a snow leopard, too. That's the thing about the zoos is like...

Go ahead. We went there and we saw that the jaguar was just walking, was pacing back and forth, literally, like, just a five-foot, like, just the entire time that we were there. It was the most depressing thing in the world. That's the thing about Zuzo is that like they're, they're just completely illegal. You can just abuse the animals all you want

as long as they don't die. It's so, yeah, to go in there and like try and justify it yourself and be like, well, like these animals, they're probably like bred in captivity. Like they would die if you put them in the wild and then see like a jaguar just eating its own poop and throwing up over and over again and be like, oh man. Just like fogging off the glass and writing help me.

The city that the zoo is like where the zoo is depends on how good the zoo. is going to be like I feel like the Central Park Zoo is probably like they probably like do a pretty good job because it's like there's like if we fuck up like a bunch of people are going to see so many whiny people in New York will be like oh you miss you fucking killed a monkey oh you hit the monkey with the cattle prod oh stop hitting a monkey shut up but then if you're like a monkey's part of they you have to teach him as alpha by hitting them with a big flyswatter exactly exactly it's actually helps the monkeys stay in line if you want to you wear one of their faces like a mask and then act like you're part of the monkey troop, they'll listen to you. Monkeys actually need a certain level of electric shocks to stay alive.

Exactly. It's actually, they're helping them. It's the same thing as put in a pacemaker and grandpa. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're actually letting the monkeys kind of into the gorilla enclosure.

Monkeys actually love pranks and it's part of their culture. We're giving the monkeys some enrichment by letting them into the herpetarium to play with the frogs. because frogs are pretty much nothing so you know there's a video it's water and slime that's a frog and a monkey playing on YouTube just look up monkey plays with frog very fun

that's the title of that video number six is tiger who likes penguins when you have got tigers all penguins do is waddle around quaking whereas tigers are so sweet and are fluffy elegant and cute They also need our help, seeing as they are close to extinction. Would you rather have a fluffy genius or a quaking penguin?

Tigers are basically... Would you rather? Are basically like a looks maxed lion when you think about it. Oh, man. Tigers are... I was doing this for a while. Stop it. Why?

It's gross. You don't want to see me be beautiful. Tigers are amazing. I love tigers. Tigers are cool. More importantly, would you eat one? No. I would let a...

I would let it... Okay. On a table. My dream, my goal. dream goal I move to Russia where it's legal to own a tiger in my house

and then I let it eat me all right it's a horrible dream I'm not letting it eat me but like it happens so you want to be eaten to death I want to have the companionship

of a tiger for long enough yeah he gets eaten what do you fucking I live inside the tiger. You can live in his stomach like Jonah and the whale. Uh-huh, like Eddie Bull. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. That's a weird reference to pull. I don't know who Eddie Bull is.

It's like, it's from Crashbox on HBO. Oh, I remember Crashbox. Yeah. Absolutely psycho show. Oh. Is that the show that you were obsessed? That's the one I showed Cam, because I thought that he would have known it as a child.

Oh, man, you should have, oh, I didn't know you liked Crashbox? I love Crashbox, dude. The fucking creepy snake guy? The revolting slob? Dude, do you remember revolting slob? It's so disgusting. Oh, man. He was my favorite.

He was my favorite as a kid. Such a slob. Mm-hmm. He would sit there and just go like, rah, rah, rah! Yeah, and he was like, what are you even talking about, you slob? His attitude is, A, atrocious, B, like.

Yep. It makes sense if that was, like, most of your schooling experience was watching Crashbox. Yeah. Yeah, that's why I'm so smart. That's why you got so smart. It's an HBO show, dudes, for the...

Uh-huh. It's prestigious television. Uh-huh. It's produced by, uh, Produced by Martin Scorsese. Number seven, Red Panda. I would not eat this. I would not eat a Red Panda.

I'd eat it. Wow. What the fuck? Oh, well, you know what? Yeah, you know what? I guess you really stick to your guns on this one. I mean, I don't, yeah. Why wouldn't you?

Would you fuck one? No. Okay. So it looks like that's a bit of a double standard on your part. What was your, what is your, if somebody handed you a burger and said this is made out of Red Panda? I don't, it wouldn't taste good. I like things that taste good. I like cheese and I like tequitos.

I don't want to eat a fucking red panda burger. How does that make any sense? Because it's cool. I want to eat nachos. They eat an animal. I want to eat, I want to eat fucking Karni Asana. Hey, man, if anything, it's actually even more ethical to eat something like a red panda or a tiger because they're not factory farmed. So you know they lived a good life.

It's true. You know what? Lived a good life. They got fucking shot with a crossbow. You don't know that? You don't say... Here's a thing. People say this about, like, farm-raised animals.

Like, oh, they lived a good life. But if you're a grandpa died by having a bolt shot into his head, you wouldn't be like, well, he lived... Yeah, but I don't think people are raising tigers on farms. They are. No, they're not. They are. They're in the jungle.

That's the tiger burger. No, they're raising tigers on farms in various places. I'm going to raise a tiger in your apartment. That'd be fine. I'd probably get along with them. I'll probably teach him out of love. shit. What?

Did you learn about the dentist again? No, I learned about Crashbox. It was not produced by Martin Scorsese. I don't remember why. Yeah, I didn't sound right. Yeah. I was like, I remember, I was like, maybe there's somebody on the cast that's named looked like Martin Scorsese.

Because now I'm just like. Oh, you're thinking of Marlon Corr crazy. Ah, yeah, that guy is nuts. He was crazy, dude. Yeah, he was insane. He would just, yeah, that's why he made fucking Crashbox. Yeah, exactly. The twisted mind of Marlin.

Marlin's so crazy. Number eight, elephant. I love being able to get close to an elephant. They don't seem it, but they have skin that feels like a tire. I know because I got to pet one. Would you, okay, you would eat an elephant, I know this. Would you drive an elephant car? Yeah.

Ooh, yes. Where you have to put your feet out of the bottom. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I would drive it. I would put elephant skin tires on my shit. Dude, oh my God. An elephant, imagine bringing your elephant through the drive-thru?

Well, no, I'm saying, would you, like, an elephant, like, you kill an elephant, you turn its fucking skin and bones into a car. You contact Toyota, you have them custom build it for you. Okay, I, yeah, I completely didn't understand what you were talking about. An elephant car, not an elephant, not just an elephant, anybody can ride an elephant? I thought you meant like an elephant with big wheels, like a monster truck elephant. Like a fucking, like an axle from twisted metal with an elephant? No, that would make me sense. I mean that is kind of fucking sick actually

Now that I think about it Yeah let's do that instead Would you drive that? Yeah that's what I was thinking Dude I'd drive anything as long as you put in front of me Yeah Once I get my license it's my first car Yeah

Here's a call to action on this one Elephants are like really big sweet babies If you are gentle around them They will be gentle with you They are so sweet I love elephants They are amazing also please go to world best dog breeds And vote for boxers Best animal

Poachers hunters circuses need to all go to hell And same with elephant's predators. They can't help it, dude. Poachers? Yeah, no, the predator, the fucking, like a lion that eats an elephant. That thing doesn't need to go to hell. Yeah, that's true.

That'd be kind of funny, though, if the hell was, like, all humans and then tigers. Like, I guess that's part of it. Yeah, true, yeah. They might like that, actually. Number nine's gorillas. Yeah. Yeah.

Guerrillas don't scare me as, much learning that they're like 5-5. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, a six-foot gorilla, that's a fucking, that's a problem. A 5-5 gorilla, you know, it's easy to gain muscle when you're short. I think, uh, if I'm, if I'm tall enough, his arm span, he won't be able to rip me in half right. Because I don't stretch up my own way out of the way.

Short guys are angry. Um, no, they're not. Not, no. They're not. Tiny guys. Okay. Tiny guys get really mad at stuff. A jacked tiny guy, like a 5-5-jacked guy.

A really weak guy who's not going to be angry. A really weak guy who's one inch tall usually gets angry when people say stuff about him on in a recording. Yeah, you said like, hey, hey, what's a bad idea? You've got stuck on me. What are you guys? Like, you guys know a guy I don't know or something. They also love to pretend they don't know what's going on. I know exactly what's going on right now, which is just one of the craziest things about me.

fucked up about it. Yeah, and also I'm like the same size as Pat, uh, and I'm not skinny. I'm fucking humongously fat. Um, no. And I, I, nobody said you were skinny. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You said, you called me skinny and you can't take that back. I did not call you skinny.

I'm gonna stick it in my head. I called you one inch tall. You think that's skinny? Yeah, maybe. Well, if you're one inch tall, I'm not. So you don't have to go any further. I'm speaking hypothetically here. Okay, all right.

I'll give you a hypothetical. Yeah. Okay, so hypothetically, if Caleb was five foot nine... If I was one tall, then you'd be 0.9 inches tall. No, uh-uh, shut the... Yeah, that'd basically be the... No, no, we're... No, your wife measured us, and we're the same height. I don't remember that.

I don't remember that. We know that Caleb's wife lies to him about being... And the other one is two inches tall. Have you guys ever heard of a little something called mental stature? Because mentally, I'm 511. Mental stature was a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1900s. Oh, wait, I want to get to my favorite comment on here. Okay.

Number 10, giant panda. Here's the top comment. Oh, really? Pandas totally are incredibly, awfully, insanely terrible. It was one of the worst animals in the universe. Everybody say these cute little darlings are the best and are so good and they could kill anybody. They are the most endangered animals. No, that's not even true.

there are a kind of hammerhead shark that only have one eye and there is one of them left that was way more endangered than these dumb butts i have a list of which animals do you hate most top one bugs top two pandas top three rabbits top four koalas top five deer deer bugs is kind of a that's kind of a wide net to catch their partner a huge a huge top one that's like most of life on earth also putting pandas and koalas are so funny just being like i hate these and dancered animals because there's actually a shark that's more endangered. Deer, though, I'm taking... Deer is weird, too. Yeah. No, I'm on his side. Fuck you. No, no, no. No, no. That's awesome. I think deer are my favorite animal, probably. Deer fucking run in front of cars.

Yeah, they're cool. It's not cool. They're just fucking lemmings. They just love to kill themselves. Fuck that. It's spiritual. Dude, have you ever looked at a deer in the eyes? Native Americans used to run over deer with their cars, and it was actually a very, it was a very spiritual and intense moment. Dude, have you ever looked at it?

it just like seen a deer just walking or just eating out of the woods or whatever yeah they look like shit they look really awesome dude a dough look at a dough in the eyes seeing you fell in love with a deer you fucking weirdo seeing deer with big antlers where you're camping is so cool i hate dears one time i fed a deer an apple out of my hand and i said i hope this apple kills you i hope you i fed you the wrong kind of apple no and it fucks you up for me fat deer fucking bitch deer are so cool Dears are, they're also Pussies, dude, they just run away. No.

Stand here and fight me. Dude, if you, you going up against a buck? I've killed thousands of deers. Oh, do you hunt? No. Oh, do you hunt? No, I've never gone hunting. I figured you would.

I'm too scared. I don't want to... You have to wear that orange hat, but I'm worried that somebody will think I'm an orange deer and shoot me in the head. Number, I'm scrolling through here. Number 50 is goose. You skipped.

You skipped Miracle. cat i skipped a lot of stuff i went to 50 do you know i know but mere cat that's like the number 50 that's number one for me and the top comment is dude if your zoo has no geese that is not our problem get a better zoo i don't fuck with geese either i do not like geese he's suck yeah these are the worst fucking stupid ass shut up dude why are you honking also they get really mad if you try to steal their kids yeah it's true if you try to kill them they get so pissed off If you try to steal a goose egg, oh, my God. Dude, do you not understand the food chain?

I'm supposed to do this to you. You not get it? I need this golden egg. I got to kill you in this mall parking lot so I can maybe win the egg lottery and get a golden egg. I need this golden egg. Because that's what happened with Donald Trump. Donald Trump found a golden geese egg, and he became the most rich guy of all time. I'm trying to be like him.

You make a golden goose. What are you even talking about? I'm talking about a golden goose. No, shut, no. Shut up. They have the kimono dragon, the butterfly. Yeah, Asian. Camodo.

They're really, scraping the bottom of the barrel as you scroll down. Number 142 is Little Penguin. Number 150 is water rat. Yeah, weird, weird bear. We can put that one on here. 87 is hedgehog. What fucking zoo has a hedgehog? Number 60 is Bongo.

And the only common is Bongo. Bongo go-go. Number 187 is fly. That's a terrible zoo animal. The last one, the final one on the list, number 199 sugar ants. Nobody's going to the zoo to see a sugar ant. Number 198 right before that.

Now we're back to bug zoo, dude. Dog? That'd be the worst zoo ever, just dogs and cats. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? It's your aunt's house. You could, yeah, you could just go in. That's like a petting zoo.

Yeah, I guess you're right. That does make sense. I mean, I have to go now. We're going to put it. Go buy tickets to the show. Put a link in the description. Thank you for listening. Bye.

Bye-bye.