Podcast About List - Ep. 155 - poop

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

i dont care ifthe audio is bad on thid one www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. All accounts to the ball list. You're any crap monster. I'm having a chicken attack. You're having a chicken attack. I ate two tacos. They tasted so good yesterday. And then they reached a threshold and they tasted like trash.

Oh, they were day old tacos. No, these were these were tacos that I'm, I'm, made in the slow cooker. Dude, I put this chicken in the slow cooker. How many tacos did you eat yesterday? Three. Three? No, because you got tacos at dinner last night. Yeah, that three tacos. I just ate these tacos.

Like, like 15 minutes ago. I made them. I ate the chicken cold. You made the chicken yesterday. I made the chicken five days ago now. Oh, okay. And I was like, that's five days. You know, that's like right on the edge. I mean, five days, if it were a slice of bread, it would be fine. So I don't see the issue. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was. If the chicken was, if the chicken was a bar of chocolate, I wouldn't have any issue eating this weeks after. If it was like a can of baked beans, I wouldn't care, you know?

So why would it be any different for it to be a chicken? It's not like it still has feathers. Turns out, it tastes like lemons after five days. And it hurts your stomach really bad. Dude, if it tasted acidic at all, that's... Also, it makes your nose burn like you ate a jalapeno. It makes your nose bleed. Yeah, it makes your nose bleed.

It pops a blood vessel in your eye. Yeah. It makes your penis real. Also, I can, I can, you can also see into your stomach through your belly button now. You were not supposed to eat that. I know I wasn't supposed to eat that, dude. I feel like I fucking, I feel like I played flag football. Hungry.

Did you eat the whole thing? Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. I was hungry. It was out of food, dude. Dude, I've been, listen, I found out. If you open your fridge and the only thing in there was a worm, would you eat it?

Raw. If hungry. Raw worm. Yeah. no seasoning neither you know i'm a i can't take that seasoning crap you can't it worms too spicy for this god damn it i'm so tired i'm so tired i didn't grab a red bull or anything before recording it sucks you need to grab life by the bull no that's right i fucking last night we so two nights ago um three nights ago three nights ago three nights ago so five nights ago

i made this chicken and then it went really bad i went to that i went to that i went to that the Brandon show hung out after, went to a bar. Also, I want to, this is, this is going to come out. This is, this is the first, okay, so Patrick just revealed what we were hiding, which is that these are all backlogged. Yeah. We didn't mention that at all, which it wasn't on purpose that we didn't mention it. But yeah, just so you guys know, I guess now, that none of this has been current.

So I guess if, if something horrible happened and we didn't comment on it, that's why. Yeah, you just ruined like so many alibis for all three of us. Nothing is happening in Cuba yet Let me just say Nothing's happening in Cuba right now So you went to some bar Yeah I went to the bar Left my card there

Because it started like pouring rain And I was like oh I need to go home immediately So I called like a because it was in Gowanus Or I think that's Park Slope Gawainis Gowanus and I left my card there and then we were meeting up with our friends

so I was like well fuck it why don't we like go back to the same bar and just get drinks there because I'll you know it's a pretty good bar yeah I mean also I would like to say in an effort to get his card Patrick made all of us travel at least

one hour to go to this bar that was so far away I didn't know I didn't know how far away they were and then what happened after we went to a restaurant across the street and I left my backpack at the park so you had to go back to the bar so last night I got home with Caleb at like

10 50 something like that and then he called me I called him because I wanted to know if I left it in the lift he called me and he was crying I wasn't crying if I was in your mouth If I was, it was about Yo-yo, swinging back and forth out of his nose while he cried. He's my manic bag in your hand. You have a tissue.

That's what he said when you picked up. Okay, I was, I will say, I was very stressed out last night. And Caleb said, like, don't forget your shoes at the bar. And I just like, bitch buttoned him. Just like, immediately. Yeah, and immediately I was like, Patrick's kind of a pussy dude. You know I've been There's a lot going out in my life right now

And tell me Did you leave your shoes at the bar? You fucking clown? I wore flip flops So that I wore footflops, did you? I wore my tivas So that I wouldn't forget The most easy to lose shoe in the world by the way

It's the easiest shoe to forget I love my tivas. Yeah Dude don't let your backpack hear that It's going to be mad at you. You just I keep showing up to the bar with one less article of clothing, be like, I think I left my pants here.

Can you guys help me? I mean, that sucked because then I took the, I took the train home because I took two lifts that night, and it was like 50 bucks. I was like, Jesus, fucking, I was not spending that money. If I were that bartender, I'd be pretty scared of you. Really? Yeah.

Why? Because you, two nights in a row, you have some excuse to come back. Well, I'm never going there again. I'm never going to that bar. I don't know. Yeah. If I keep fucking losing shit there, that means it's a sign. That means it's a sign from Christ.

Maybe they have a giant magnet there. Who he, uh, stop kissing your chain. You don't care about God. Stop. You hate Christ. It's a sign from Christ that I should go there ever again. Don't touch Christ. Stop.

I don't like how Italian you're trying to look recently. Yeah? I don't like that, dude. I'm not trying to look at you. Because you're not Italian. You're trying. You're trying very hard. Clearly trying to look Italian, dude.

Don't ask me what I had for lunch today. What'd you have for lunch today? I said don't ask. And I'm telling you, I'm asking you. What do you have? Chicken parmesan. Okay. All right.

No. I don't approve. Oh, yeah. Whatever you do, don't ask me what I had for lunch today. What'd you have? Pleaf bar. I had old chicken. Very old chicken taco.

my stomach my stomach I need to stop eating old food but I'm trying to save money and so I will make a bunch of food way to do it yes to eat old food it'll just sit in my fridge and like the thing is I saw this

I still have maybe two more tacos worth of this chicken so I might eat it again after we're done recording I'll do that but like what else am I supposed I can't throw it away you can throw it away

throw it away Oh, I can throw it away. You're right. You're right. I can just throw it away. I mean, leftovers are like, you know. I don't have to eat trash, do I? Depending on what the leftovers are, like, like any kind of meat, you keep it in the fridge

two to three days. I love to keep my leftovers an hour after and I throw them away because I'm, even if I don't eat them. Exactly. Yeah. Like, hey. There are certain things that keep a lot better. Mashed potatoes last about 90 minutes in the fridge before they need to be thrown in

trash. No, you can reheat mashed potatoes. Nope. You cannot. Oh, also, I don't have a fucking microwave. Oh, you know what? You know what you can do with old mashed potatoes is make a shepherd's pie, put that on top. Wait, you don't have a microwave. I don't. Yeah. It depends on how creamy the mashed

potatoes. So I eat the chicken cold. You're eating the chicken tacos cold? Just cold as ice, dude. There's like little little bits of like fat. I don't care about Shepard's pie right now. I need to get to the bottom of this. There's little bits of like congeal fat in the taco. What else was in It was really bad.

But poop I took. What else? There was rice in there? Who puts rice in a taco? I don't know. I'm asking what's in there. No. It was just, it was Greek yogurt.

It was Greek yogurt, lime, hot sauce, very old chicken. Nothing else? No. Okay. Chicken's a star. You should have tasted this chicken four days ago. It's incredible. It just got bad.

It just spoiled. What was the texture of the tortilla like? Corny, chewy, delicious. perfectly warm. I actually heated that up on the oven. Shit, I should really make a shepherd's pie soon. Shut up about the shepherd's pie. You don't know how to make a shepherd's pie. Fuck you. Fuck you.

That's the one thing. A shepherd's pie is when an Irish guy takes a fucking crap. I know how to make shepherd's pie really good. No, you don't. No, you don't. I'm going to make it for Caleb. You would dare make me a shepherd's pie and give it to me. I haven't made, I have Shepard's pie in like 20 years. I should, oh, I should

make that right. I'm going to, this is the Shepard's pie challenge on the show. I'm going to make Caleb a shepherd's pie he's going to eat it and he's going to tell me if it's good why not not because i don't eat things that i don't eat square stuff you eat square stuff i never anything that can be served in a square you know what i don't put you know what i don't do i don't put cheese on the mashed potatoes why because that's not traditional shepherd's pie you should be killed i shouldn't you should be fucking i shouldn't be killed you're trying to like the tradition of the worst cuisine in the world it's gordon ramsies recipe you don't make gordon ramses recipe i don't i make you take a

A British man's word for Shepard Spy, dude? Yeah. Who am I supposed to be trusting? That's very fucked up. An Irish guy. Oh, an Irish guy. Yeah, what are you talking about? He's fucking...

He's Scottish. No, he's not. Yeah, he's Scottish. He's a monkey from Mars. Look at his face. What are he talking about, dude? He literally like... Gordon Ramsey is Scottish.

No, dude. He was fucking... He was grown, like, little shop of horrors, and then he fucking popped out. Yeah. He was grown? He's not Scottish. He was born in Johnstone, Scotland.

Oh, raised in Stratford upon Avon. Oh, fuck. Okay. That's right, dude. And you're trusting that that's the guy, yeah, that's guy who's... Maybe you are Italian, dude. Recipe. Definitely not Irish now. No way. No, shut up. You just lost your Irish card. I just... No, this is my... I got this for

Christ. Well, I got a miscall for my mom. She's calling you to tell you that you're really not Irish. She just found out. She's got the results back. No. Yep. She just felt the hairs raised up on the back of her neck when you said that you, you fall. Gordon Ramsey's recipe for Shepard's Pie and she's like, I have to call him right now.

Well, I'm like, I looked at my 23 and me results. I'm like British enough. You're adopted. So, okay, if you're, I mean, I'm okay, let me. You can say you're British enough. That's fine. But now that you, you're a, you're an, you're an Irish larper, dude. Mm-mm. You either claim it or you reject it. Okay. There's more. There's more Irish than there is British. You think that it's, you think that it's, you think that it's, you think that it's good to be both, you think that Irish people should also be British is what you're saying right now, I think.

That's pretty much the argument you're making in me. I'll say this. British and Irish people are the same, they're the same. They're not the same. They're also been thinking about this. So if I was a president, I would probably like nuke every other country in the world immediately

because then I could just like watch TV. Yeah. Yeah. That's yeah. Not a bad plan. I feel like that's an amazing plan, right? I mean, you're going to be the one who survives, right? How much this fucking week have people been talking about, like, oh, Cuba, this, and there's a ship at China,

and there's, and there's soccer in Europe. And it's like, shut up, dude. Can I just fucking watch TV? That's right. It's fucking annoying me, dude. Yeah. It's like, I'm just done with it. Like, I don't, I'm done caring about any other country.

Yeah. Like, I'm just, I live here and I'm still, I'm never left. When that Cuba shit's happening, I'm not going to care. I don't, I don't care. When, when that did, or when it, yeah, the mixing up your time line. When it, when it happens. Yep. Because we did, we're not backlogging this.

Yeah. Or when that happened. Today is, it's October. When, when, when, how are you guys? What's your plan to dodge a draft when we invade Cuba? I won't. Probably. You won't.

I'm going to be in there. I'm going to be in the ground. Really? Yep. The thing is, are you kidding me, vacation in Havana? No, you don't vacation. You have to kill kids. Not if you just tell them you don't want to.

You say, oh, I just wanted to join so I could get like the sun and the beach or whatever. I'm in the tanning force. I'm here with my big, like, reflective. Oh, no, I know. Yeah, I'm, no, I'm one of the guys they sent over just to put more brands into the grocery store. I don't, I don't do the killing stuff. There's a dogging jiff. in the Cuban grocery store.

Like, ah, much better. Yeah. All right. We're done. Yeah. Dude, I, as soon as, uh, I will join the military if I could join the esports team, I think. Yeah.

Because they got to have a serious lack of talent, you know? Oh, yeah. And, and I would be, dude, I don't know. They have drone operators. But those guys are like, like, that's not impressive to me. Those things are heat seeking. Nobody in the, in the Navy or Air Force has the aim that I have. We should buy a drone to see how,

We should buy a drone to see inside the girls' locker room. It's so loud. All the girls are like, what's that? You're standing next to it and you're like, oh, that's a fly. It's a weapons drone too. Like it's a military. Yeah. Well, yeah, what's that noise in the air vent above?

Yeah, it just keeps Since this heat It's just no Obama's voice This keeps targeting This keeps targeting your hot penis Oh my God, wait My recording just stopped Are you kidding me?

I'm not kidding you My audacity All right, I'm starting again right now It doesn't matter what you said Right now or not Can we do a clap or something? No, don't do a clap 1359

1359 let me write that down All right and I'm not cutting this part out either. Really? Fuck them. Yeah, I was at McDonald's last night. I was getting McChicken. Ooh. And yeah. And a guy, there were two guys

waiting for their orders in front of me. One of them was like an Uber Eats driver. And they like to start having this conversation. And this one guy was clearly very fucked up on something. And he asked the Uber Eats driver, like, so like what are you like, what are you doing here?

Like what did? And the guy was like, oh, I'm Uber Eats and then the guy was like, I'm Uber Eats. Uber Eats driver was like, what? And then there's like a long pause. The guy was like, no, man, I'm sorry. I just know a guy named Uber Eats.

How do you think, honestly, how do you think that's spelled? If he's telling the truth. I know. It must be like, like, Ubrees or something. Yeah, my guess is like O-B-E-R-I-E-E-E-R-E. I-Z-E-O-V-V-E. Yeah, it's got to be something like that, but it was making me laugh so hard, dude. I'm so glad I was wearing a mask because, yeah, because it was immediately laughing.

Because of this crazy virus. As soon as he said, said, I'm U-B-R-Ease. That was already, that already had me going. I realized that I've become one of those people who's just, like, talking all the time on the street to, like, anybody who walks by them. Like, it shifted, like, today. Yeah, I'd, like, it's just like, I used to be, like, like, Like, when you, like, when you walk past them, you can see them kind of, like, talking to themselves, like, no, no, it's not even that. It's like, I will just address everything that happens on the street as I walk by out loud.

That's pretty crazy, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was like, he's like, ever since I moved to New York, I've just always been just like, look at my shoes, like walk around, be quiet. But today I walked by, like, two ladies who had their dog, they had their dog, leashes all spun up. Ayah, aye, aye, aye. I did not. I. Ouga. No, that. They did not turn into two giant T-bones covered in barbecue sauce. But I did, I saw that they had their dog leashes all mixed up between the two dogs. And I said, oh, no, they all tangled up now. And they just looked at me as they're, like, struggling to, like, make their dogs not bite each other. Like, what? They all tangled up now.

Oh, they tangled now. Imagine that. To say that to people. Wow. That's strange. Hey, everybody. Come look at this. hey open up your window look down there's two dogs tangled up i was trying to be friendly man and

they just fucking they just gave me to icy eyes you were you were being rude man you're all stupid stupid as hell tangling your dogs up you do that voice too yeah i did i hope you were doing this i was trying to be loud you know that's as soon as i get above a certain kind of decibel level right let's do a test okay just start quiet start saying something oh man they they're they're all tangled up now. Okay, get a little louder. They're all tangled up now. Okay, a little louder. They all tangled up now.

That's okay. What happens if you go louder than that? Oh, no, they all got tangled up now. They got tangled now. Them two dogs is tangled. Yeah. My GPS does that too if you turn it up. Oh, no.

You miss you. Oh, you miss you. Oh, come on. Oh, man. Oh, it just does that before every instruction. Oh, no. No, you got to take a left year, man. Oh, no, man.

Man, I've been really stressed out lately and just kind of like going through situations in my head. I realize. Yeah. Oh, man, I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait to go to college again. But I realized the other day, I was like, like, just like. trying to like figure something out and realized I was like just like thinking with my hands and like looked up and saw somebody and like I was just like like doing like just like okay just like just like just like Sherlock Holmes mind balance like moving equations as I'm walking as I'm walking so I just look like insanely great like I look insane like I look cool man it just the guy just like yet you saw me yesterday I was wearing like a fucking like a button down shirt and like my chain and like my chain and.

like hanging out and I was like I just looked so Italian people probably thought I was crazy too I was blasting heavy metal music on my headphones and get this I wasn't looking where I was walking I was playing crosswords on my phone wow wow they probably thought I was like

homeless or something I was dressed up like a one man band yeah walking around like it was like Dick Van Dyke and I was yeah I was in my monster costume when I was chasing people they probably thought I was crazy as hell I was walking over to you be like hello Mary Popper

I don't know, Harry Poppins. Chim, Chimmery, Chimmery, Chimmery, Chim Chim Choray. I does what I like. It's so fucking funny that he was supposed to be British. I've talked to me, man. I just thought he was mentally impaired. I didn't think that was supposed to be a British man in that movie. And then what, they had Lin-Manuel Miranda in the remake.

They made that movie. Because nowadays you can't. I think my mom. mom watched that movie. Was it like a remake or was it like a making, like what was that? Oh, it was a sequel. It was a sequel or something. It was something weird. It was like a sequel that was like in the real world or something. I don't remember. Mary Poppins returns. What's it called? Mary Poppins returns. Yeah. Dick Van Dyke was in it. Really? But Lin-Manuel played that same role. Lin-Manuel played Jack, a cockney lamplighter. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. An apprentice of bird. I've got the soot on my face, Governor. I got shit on my face. I love this place. Yeah.

That, I haven't seen that, but that has to be one of the most annoying movies of all time. 131 minutes, baby. That's got, that movie's got to be fucking annoying as shit. Show me the director's cut. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what I always thought about Mary Poppins.

Just give me an upskirt scene. It's because she got that long-ass dress. What you got in the thing for? Yeah, she floats down on the umbrella, too. like she comes yeah like it's like be so fucking easy you know just make him look up once just once oh i'm saying do you just show me your thingy in her ass i don't want i don't want to see mary poppins thing all right never mind you're not italian i change you don't want to see you don't want to go up her chimney i don't want to see her chimney you don't want to go chim chim chimery and her

fucking i don't want to lift up her i don't want to do what you like and like i don't i don't want her skirt to lift up and a bunch of soot to come out of the chimney i think you do That's that's a fucking crazy image. Just like a bunch of soot in somebody's face. Like somebody trying to upstream. Somebody about just shud, it just flies out. Blassing off like a rocket and black smoke all over you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, man. It's a, it's how you prevent it. It's like when they put the, that like red dye all over the money when you steal it, you know? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Or on, like, T-shirts at like department stores. They'll put that, like little ink bomb on the shirt you know how to get those off like the uh the tags is uh because i have a bunch of i stole so much clothes um they're the ones like the circular ones you

just have to like burn the top and the pin comes out yeah i heard also if you kill the store manager yeah if you kill the store manager put him in the back and then wear his clothes oh kind of magically well that's the trick yeah that none of the clothes that the that the store workers are wearing have any have that stuff on them yeah yeah Chris, you can take those. They just have an employee attached to them. That's the problem.

Exactly. The employee is a security device. Yeah. They're easy to remove. Yeah. You just tickle them and they'll leave. Yeah. Then they get normal.

They get normal. They get normal. I don't know what it was. I've been wanting to go to a mall recently. Oh, do you guys want to take a trip to the mall? Let's go to the mall. Like, can we just go to the mall?

We got to go to the. I've been saving all this money eating fucking old tacos. We should go. I've earned myself a little shopping spree at the mall. What's that mall near the or the Nets play? Brooklyn Mall. Is that what it's called? I don't know.

The Barclay Center? The Barclay. You guys want to go to the mall and just go to all the kiosks and no stores. I went to, so I was going to the mall. It was my brother's wedding four months ago. And I think I don't fucking know. My brother's wedding. This will come out in January.

Okay. So it was my brother's wedding six years ago. and I was trying to I was trying it was like buying shoes I was just kind of like walking around because my mom was like shopping and I got there's like a group of kids sitting on a kiosk like where like a kiosk was yeah like where like a bigger kiosk should have been but they were all sitting on it and I thought they were just hanging out but like one of them came up to me and was like yo yo yo yo yo what's your name I'm like Patrick why they was like yo I got something for your phazos dude come over here and I was like no I'm all

set and I left then walked back the other way and the guy came up to me the same kid comes up to me he's like hey man real click let me let me talk to you and I was like you just you already fucking tried this

he was like these kids he didn't recognize me he didn't recognize me because he just really I think I was wearing a hat actually you know what so I did buy a Red Sox fitted at lids why the fuck would he recognize you why would he know who you were I mean come on

He's a million people a day. He works at a mall, the most popular place in the world. It wasn't popping then. Malls are so sad now, man. You walk through a mall and it's like there's like an elephant graveyard. There's just like elephant skeletons everywhere. There's big bones everywhere. Hyenas constantly laughing at you.

That one with the crazy eyes and tongue. He weird. He weird as hell. Oh, my God. There's a toucan. Yeah. But that kid, I, he was trying to sell me like, like you know that stuff that you put like

it was like a shoe restoration kiosk and they were like restoring like anybody who was wearing Air Force ones they had like antique shoes on I was walking around in clogs I got a real good deal on a pair of Air Force ones Victorian elf shoes

Jing jing jing ching ching hey you let me clean those shoes up let me lace you up come on you got the Air Force 1901s It's just like a, the buckle on the Air Force one is like an actual, you know, like that little like metal thing. Like Santa's buckle. It's like to be a big brass buckles.

I want to go to the mall and I want to go to one of those toy kiosks where they have like they have, you know, something set out where all the toys are jumping around in their own, like they, you know, they have like a ball toy that rolls around and some stuff. I want to buy out the whole thing. I want to buy everything that's on the cart. I want to have a sample smorgish board. Yeah, I want to walk up there and I want to say, give me everything, one of everything on the menu.

Yeah, as a sample, though. As a sample, I'll be returning. I'll have to pick which one I want. So I'll be returning all but one later today. Yeah. Dude, I'll fuck up the samples, man. Every time I go, dude, I'm getting full on samples. I'm not even ordering anything from Chick-fil-A.

I'm going to, I'm in the Pan Express. We had some Kung Pat chicken. They don't have samples at the mall now because of COVID. I don't care. I'm going to, they're coming back. Maybe you could request. Oh, maybe you have to, yeah, you have to sign a sheet of paper before you get a sample. Yeah, yeah.

It's still be worth it, dude. That's a free food. Proof of vaccination. I'm trying to save money, dude. I'm in money saving mode, man. If you just go to a bunch of different malls. I'm not even washing my clothes anymore. And just get samples every day.

I'm not showering. You don't have to buy food anymore ever again. True. And you can save up for that guitar, a guitar center in the mall. And you could walk in, you could, you could be like, can I get a sample, could I get a sample of like maybe two eggs raw and could I get a sample of some salt and some pepper? Yeah, and a fry pan.

Can I get a sample of a little tiny bit of milk and? Can I get a sample of Big Mac sauce? Yeah. Can I get a sample of hamburger? Is you doing your grocery shopping? If you guys, if you guys want a money move, try going to the bank and ask him for a sample. Yeah. They have to give it to you.

Oh my God. Can I get a sample of $1,000? I'd like a sample of the millionaire package. Yeah, like I'm going to buy a million dollars pretty soon, but I'd like to get a sample of a thousand just to test it out and make sure that it's good. Yeah. And they'd go, yeah, sure. They handed you $1,000 on a two things.

I love a sample of a cashier's check from that guy's account over there wearing the nice suit. Come on, it's just a sample. It's a sample. Yeah. I'm going to actually. I just want to look at the check. I'm not going to deposit it. I just want to make sure that it's a good looking check because I'm going to get one myself.

Okay. I'm just going to go look at it. this outside for a minute. Good evening. I'd like to know. Hello. A bank.

I had no idea there was one here. Do you have samples for chance? I'd like to cash this cashier's check I just found. Oh my God. All right. We have two.

list today. Yeah. Might not get through them. We might not get through them. But hey, we're taking, I mean, wherever the wind takes us today, man. That's right. You and Cameron are the wind beneath my wings. You're going to, you're a fart.

You're a sweetie. So we do that's, that's wind. So I guess. You're saying, which one do we do first? 10 types of people in the scientific community. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Oh, this from Positron Wildhog. Oh, my God. This is, yeah, the most... I'm learning more about him every moment. This says, his description is, are you an aspiring physicist such as myself? Look out for these people. His top 10 types of people in the scientific community.

Yeah. Do you guys have much interaction with the scientific community? Oh, I do. A huge amount, yeah. Yeah. I've been lately, I've been submitting various theories and papers to science. I have a theory. that's been laughed out of every scientific community.

What is your theory? You can make ice at home by putting a cup of water in the freezer. Yeah, I actually have a few formulas that people haven't really been accepting of. I had this one formula that was, is... I'm so sick because you guys aren't laughing it. It's this formula called One May. McChicken 219, 2, McChicken 3 is equals. Sounds pretty good.

Yeah, there's equal signs in there, too, but I didn't want to give the whole thing away. I've had this theory that you can age taco chicken like beer. It will slowly get better and alcoholic. But it actually just gives you a stomachache and diarrhea when you're trying to work. Yeah. I'm going to get a glass of water. That jewel hit really took me out. You just swallowed a chicken bone.

I think I might have. Yeah, I can see the outline in your throat as you open up and down. Maybe I got the Delta variant. maybe that's why that's serious yeah you guys know the delta variant you can't even get it if you're vaccinated you know that the code is yeah you can't it's not it's fucking it's so stupid dude every every website chart is being like the delta variant is going to kill us all it's like no it's just going to kill it well i i've been faking being vaccinated i do like that that now stuff is open enough in new york that if you weren't vaccinated it just

doesn't matter. Like the people at the bar will be like, hey, are you vaccinated? You're like, oh, you should have seen me the day after my shot. Oh, my goodness. I was, uh, I had a, uh, a, oh my God. I got, yeah, the special, the special bed they made me lie on to get vaccinated, right? Yeah. They put your beer on the special, yeah, like this watching their reaction, just fishing. I mean, the special chair. They put your drink on the bar and you try to pick it. I'll be like, oh, I can't even pick it up with my arm. It's so sore still from that damn shot. I'll have to use my left arm. Oh, wait, that's where I got the second shot. Oh, my God. You have a huge straw. Yeah, man, my, uh, my blood was so green the next day. I just, you know,

right now I just need to sit down at the bar. And the only cure for my COVID vaccine withdrawal is one. I'm having COVID. I'm having withdrawals. That's how much I got the vaccine. I mean, I just, I I need two shots. One shot at Jameson and a third shot, my damn arm. That's right. Yeah, I got the COVID vaccine 600 times. You can just say that you're someone else. I did my name the first time and then I said my name was Ricardo Gomez, 599 times.

I was just walking in. No, I'm a different Ricardo Gomez from the guy that you had yesterday. It sucks that. It sucks that I changed my name the week after I got my first shot. Yeah. Number one, doctor, I know what's best. We all know a doctor like that. I would say most doctors probably think that they know what's best. As compared to someone like me who has never done anything doctor like.

It's true. Right. I mean, I'm sick of doctors trying to tell me what to do. Yeah. Stop putting your hand on the stove. Yeah, I came in here. I came in here to check how hot it gets. I came in here to draw on the paper that's on the seat. I don't, I don't really care about what you have to say to me. Just shut up and give me my fucking ibuprofen, you asshole. Yeah. I touch the stove again.

I need ibuprofen. Just give me the ibuprofen, dude. Yeah, I know I want it through my insurance. It's $100 a bottle. Please, just fucking give it to me. They don't sell 200 milligram ibuprofen at the store. You're lying. They don't sell that there.

I asked. Doctors are so bossy, dude. Yeah. It's like if you put that thermometer thing in my ear one more time, I'm literally going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I have a gun in my car. I'm going to kill you.

It would be a fun prank is a put like a big piece of like red wax or something in your ear while the doctor puts that little thing in your ear. Dude, I had the best prank ever. A piece of gum. I swallowed a big, a big tumor and I went and I went, oh, I think I have stomach cancer. They totally fell for it. They're so stupid. He was so fucking stupid.

I fucking, I hate doctors. I, dude, I was, I was standing, I was standing, I was standing right in front of the microwave dick level. I went in, I said, I think I'm sterile. They fell for it, dude, hook, line, and sinker. Yeah. I mean, I can't have kids now, but, you know. What's that fucking, what's that, what's that little thingy around their, their, their, their,

uh, neck? Are they trying to rob a bank over here? Yeah. You look like you're about to rob a bank. Hey, man. Yeah. Hey, your iPod's just a little circle. Don't think, uh, yeah, that's got to be the worst iPod ever, maybe.

Yeah. It's not going to play. music, you idiot. Let me sing into it. Let me flick it twice. Please. Let me sing to it. I got American Idol next week. You know, when you see a doctor on the train on the way to work and he's humming into his stethoscope as he forgot his iPhone at home. He's going do, do, do, do, do do do do do. I can tell, yeah, this, the fidelity of these, this stethoscope is right. Wow, the mids

in this are amazing. Yeah, this really sounds amazing. Yeah, they always use Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega test. Yeah. That is, it's a good benchmark. Well, it's, I would say Tom Ziner is a perfect song for a human to try to sing by themselves. That's, without any instruments. It's the only actual a cappella song. Yeah, that's the one that they tested. That's how they made MP3 was that song. That's how I made MP3, yeah. Yeah. It's fun fact. I don't know what that means. I knew I knew Cameron got it. I knew Cameron got the joke, but I didn't get the joke. I was just saying that because I didn't know what you're talking about. I was just repeating what you said. What do you mean they made MP3 with that song?

That song, they couldn't get vocals for MP3 files. Like, they had everything pretty much set. And then that song is the one that they used to test whether or not the vocals would work for MP3. Is that true? Yeah. I watched a Vox video about this. Oh, yeah. I don't watch Vox videos.

I wouldn't know that. I watched that one and then the one. It's nice. Something that's nice about like TikTok and like, and, like, and, like, and, like uh and like just all these like youtube explainer stuff taking off is there some facts that people can tell you that you instantly know you never have to listen anything else they say yeah because you know that it's a fact that is only on yeah exactly right yeah i mean not that one of the pet i this is a yeah like the people who are like like you know we're running out

of helium it's like fuck you do go home and watch fucking veritasium you fucking loser are you bothering me why are you bothering me you know that network we did you know that we We're running out of helium. No, I had no idea. Okay, I go to the store, get some more, bitch. What's up? I fucking love this stuff. I'm addicted to helium.

Yeah, that's probably, that's probably just a misinformation campaign. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's probably. Homeless guy on the street who comes up to him. He's like, hey man, can I have $5? He's like, don't give it to him. You're just going to use it for fucking helium. He's going to go to the Tursusor and buy some damn balloons.

junkie. Yeah. His lips are like bright purple. Getting mugged for your Ironman balloon that you're bringing to your kids. All right. Sucker. Give me all,

give me money in your wallet. So I can go to the store. Yeah. I do love doing that though. Yeah. Oh, man. The high voice on a balloon? Yeah.

You have to like pay back a friend and they're like, all right. Like, where's the money? Like, I swear. I just I needed to pay rent It's like an intervention See I wish it like Donald we know you've been using again

Shut the fuck up bitch what even Yeah you come home Late at night Your dad's like where have you been Now where I haven't been I was in the library I was studying Yeah

Did you go to another damn birthday party No Somehow have a high burp Donald I knew you had a problem I knew you had a problem when you went to my mother's my mother's birthday

and I caught you in the garage and you were sucking down the middle part of a Spider-Man blow up a Spider-Man balloon in I don't fucking know She was turning 86

and you sucked the six and it looked like she was turning eight She's not eight Getting sold Your first your first like helium by your slacker friend in high school and like and like doing it in front of him being like yeah man i feel it's totally working i can feel it oh my god wow my eyes hell right now damn i could totally tell it's affecting my voice have you seen that spider man that like that spider man balloon

where it's like him like doing like a web crawl and then there's like in the middle it looks like his penis his wiener out yeah i was trying to talk about that spider man balloon i i'm so i'm so tired today. I'm ruining the episode. I'm ruining everything. Stop. Stop. I'm straight up going to kill you. I'm ruining. I'm ruining it. I'm ruining all the stuff. Stop, dude. You look so cute when you ruin the episode. Oh, God. Stop, dude. You're fucking too cute to me right now. I'm gonna go throw up now. I'm gonna go. Don't throw up for no reason. Oh my God. I think I'm gonna puke. Oh no. God. Number two type of people in this scientific community number two is professor awkward now we didn't read the comment on the positron wildhawk writes long blurbs about these ones i want to just at least read the first the first sentence here about professor awkward okay which is now here's a character who was photoshopped into our world by a drunk

ape hmm facts that's true yeah facts is hell yeah so true i hate professor awkward did i'm not a fan of Professor Awkward. Yeah. Professor Awkward. Don't you hate it when Professor Awkward leans over and he farts in front of the whole friggin.

Oh my God. And remember when he gets up and he goes The whole scientific community. And he gets up and he goes Oh, oh, oh, oh. It wasn't me. Yeah. And then the guy next to you turn and says,

didn't you used to do experiments with that guy? And you say, no. I swear. No. I don't know who that. that is. No. No, I promise. Number three is those excited by boring things. Yep. Yep. That's a lot of those scientific. Tell you what, science, if you're excited by science, you're probably one of these people. Here's a comment. Here's a comment. And I think we could maybe, you know, we can talk about this comment.

But my great seven Polish science teacher. I love the way she jumps up and down because she's excited by science. She's great. Polish science She's not jumping up and down Because she's excited by science She's trying to change the light bulb Dude Going to reach a light bulb She's jumping up and down

Because the light bulb Finally got turned on Yeah Polish Yeah The Polish science class And all the kids Are just trying to make a potato battery

To power one light bulb Yeah They're making a potato battery To power the other potato battery The top dude yeah they have they have like a they have a science lab they all put on on like safety goggles and like lab coats and like protective gear gloves and stuff and they're just trying to pour a glass of water out of a pitcher it just keeps dribbling

down the side every time full hazmat suit to like take a test yeah all right today we're going to be installing a screen door on a boat yeah yeah dude everyone Everyone failed the first two questions on the Polish science test, name and date. It was a tough one. Oh, boy. Yeah. Number four, the cluts. Oh, the klutzy scientist. The clutz.

That has to have been some like 90s S&L sketch, right? That's too easy. The nutty professor. Yeah, I guess it was the nutty professor, huh? But he wasn't clumsy, was he? He's just goofy. He was definitely nutty. Did he still a beaker, though?

He took that cool potion. Isn't it funny that that's like a whole plot point and family matters? It is, it's, you know, it's kind of funny that they're always, like, on TV and movies and stuff, scientists are always making potions. Potions are magic. They should be making chemicals.

I agree. Yeah. I mean, if you want to make a cool potion, you should have a wizard character in your movie. They're always making, yeah, some formula, some, just because a potion is in a beaker doesn't make it not a potion as far as well. Exactly, yeah, it should be an equation or maybe a model. Yeah, maybe an equation that makes you fall in love. Yeah, or a computer program.

Yeah, that would work too. That would be much more scientific than a potion. Maybe like a laser that zaps you. A laser might work too. I mean, yeah, flubber would just be a lot better if they were robots instead of flubbers. They could call the movie. i robot too that would have been cool it would be cool name for yeah that is a cool name for a robot number five is the idiot which is i guess like yeah if you had a uh a per a scientist who was just

like an like a village idiot style like eyes going the wrong way like tongue sticking out all the time maybe maybe a nutty professor stop trying to make everything about the fucking nutty professor dude yeah he wasn't even that nutty too he's barely nutty are you kidding me he was barely even nutty did you see him he was going lady it's not very nutty the nutty the nutty professor he was a lady i thought that what eddie murphy didn't say that shit no jerry lewis oh i'm thinking of eddie murphy man oh he was a hell though i mean hey i know hey hey hey wait wait there's a different that that nutty professor he was just fat yeah that's true i should have called him the buddy professor because his butt was too big

I mean, honestly, the fatty fucking shit professor. The fat, stupid, fat-ass fucking overweight fatty. He's too fat. He can't do science. Honestly, this list, I think we just skip ahead here to number nine. This is just the, this is. Number nine is Dr. Horny. Oh.

Whoa. Okay, Dr. Horny. That's right. What makes them differ from other horny individuals is that they think they have coined the perfect algorithm for meeting and talking to the opposite sex, often by outlining that they have fancy-sounding degrees in obscure-sounding areas of research, and often

with cheesy lines that relate to such. It just ends with more and more injuries to the face for them. They're getting injured. Hitting the face with a beaker, because you go over to a lady and you say, you know. You say, I want to get I'm a heliumologist.

I'm studying. Did you know that we're rapidly losing helium? A limited resource. It's going into my belly. Did you know that I'm rapid, weird, rapidly losing helium? Yeah. Yeah. Do you work at a grocery store or a party city?

Did you know that there have been a series of break-ins to science labs recently to steal helium? You should be careful. And she's like completely smitten for you and then you get back to her place. Yeah. I was like, oh, this is great. Thanks you so much for having me over. Yeah. What the fuck?

You're like. You're not who you see. You said you were. Number 10 is a comedian. I think a funny doctor would be funny to me. Yeah. Funny doctor. The thing about funny doctors is they're,

they're funny doctors are always just weird. They're not, you know, I feel like every, every doctor I've had, every comedian doctor I've had is very, like I went to the urgent care for a, for a sinus infection and they gave me,

they gave me pseudafed and the, you know, the, lady there was like you know that's that's the stuff that they make meth with and it's like that's not you should have gone loudly hmm i know that's it feels like that that feels like a trap because that's like the that's just what they're setting you up i think i actually have 15 sinus infections all my friends at home have sinus infections too it's spread around everybody in my family has a sinus infection actually yeah i think um and i'm gonna need that I'm going to need that beaker.

My family members. But that is, I mean, that feels like to me, that's what the funny doctor is always just the doctor who's like, you're not going to sell this to your friends, are you? Yeah. That's like their joke. The only actual funny doctors, shut up. The only actual funny doctors are like really, really old doctors who are like refusing to stop working and they're like 90 years old. Like I had one and he was like my, he's like my grandma's friend and he was my family doctor growing up. and he was like completely blind and he did like a physical on me for football yeah and he was like listen

i know your parents i don't want to have to touch your balls but we're gonna we're gonna have to do it yeah i think yeah at least you weren't like excited about it right like that's kind of funny i went to the same i think you have demonic humors in your veins i'm gonna have to bloodlet you i went to the same pediatrician until i was like 20 years old you went to a pediatrician yeah i went to the same doctor until i was 20 Yeah, me too, dude. I can't keep going to a pediatrician. I'll just never go to the doctor again. Yeah, exactly.

I haven't been to the doctor in so long. Yeah, me neither. There's no reason to. I don't think I've been to the doctor since that guy quit because he got too blind. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's like, what am I going to do? I'll go if I have a broken leg, maybe. No, I'll go to the hospital.

I don't care. I don't need to go to the doctor. As somebody who's like as much of a hypochondriac as I am, I'm glad I don't know a doctor right now. Exactly, dude, that's the thing. I'd be blowing up their line all the time. I'd be like, yeah. Hey, I think my brain just exploded.

I think I'm falling a balloon. Yeah. I think I'm too high. I need to. I don't know what I did, but I think I'm way too high. It's a mystery drug. Go in there like, yeah, do you smoke?

Do you drink? Any heal you? emusage, no. Yeah, that was always the worst is like until you turn 18, like your parent is in the room. And they'll be like, so have you ever done anything naughty? Yeah. You're like, no. Never.

No. Good, good, because we actually have a naughty detector here. Yeah. If it says you did something naughty, it will give you cancer. Yeah, and you just, yeah, you walk through it like a metal detector and it lights up and it says like stole Pokemon cards at age. Any cigarettes, alcohol use? You ever masturbate in, well, your parents are still awake?

You ever masturbated in their bedroom? You ever forget to clean it up? You ever watch Skinimax at night after your parents go to bed? Have you ever been on Mr.Skin.com? Yeah, have you ever? Been on Mr.Skin.com. I'm going to need you to go down this list of porn sites and just give me a quick check mark next to them. Just let me know if you've seen them or not.

Thought about looking at them. Um, and I'll put a star to use your parents' computer. You ever watch family guy porn on your parents' computer? We just need to know. Yeah. You watched South Park before you were 13? Yeah. Have you ever seen an R-rated movie?

Have you ever put your mouth on the water buggler? Don't call it a buggler, dude. It's what it's called. Not called a buggler. It's called the buggler. You know who disagrees? You can't call it the buggler, dude. you didn't

fucking grow up here The rest of the world disagrees I mean I grew up No You didn't do New Hampshire Yeah

Everyone called it The bubler there Yeah Because they're a bunch of fakers Dude Yeah everyone They all wish Yeah everyone did

Everyone did You guys Fucking wish you were here Dude So bad I do Oh my dude I'm so sick of all the trains

here dude I know And the money Oh my god I wish I was I wish I was I wish I was on Stanhope Street. Me too.

That's right. I go look at it every day. I go, huh. I wish I was on Bromfield Street at the Payless Shoes. That's right. No, that got turned into one gig. Let them, let them know. Second list.

Top ten silliest things I have a crush on. I mean, this is like the complete opposite. Yeah. Did you get this one from the Discord? Yeah. I don't know who sent it. You got to figure that. We've got to say that, man.

Yeah. They're going to sue us. Fuck them. That's true. You are, you're our pigs. Fuck you and shut up. Yeah.

If you, hey, if you said this or if you said this to us, I'm going to kick you out of the Discord. I'm going to kick your ass. Yeah.

Number one, a chair. I mean, what? You seriously sent me this stupid list? Nah, hell, no way.

Oh, what's the, read this first comment here. Patrick. I was looking up who just I don't care. um obviously you'd have a crush on a boy or a girl for example i have a crush on a boy named cow never mind i am a girl why is this list it's a joke right it doesn't say cow dude it's just c i'll and then

there's two dashes like it's cut off oh hey pat um hey don't chew fucking gum into the microphone dude no keep doing it you look cute um you look so cute i have to go okay okay where you going you're going to pick me up later I have to go to someone's house in Ridgewood That's me Positron Wildhawk is on this list Oh there he is Well he's in his lab

He's on his computer He says I cherish my crush with all of my hearth I promise to cushion her falls And wouldn't give her up for the world It's a magical hykea What You're doing a bit of a pun there Positron

You're not only a scientist with science. You're also a word scientist, it seems. Number two, number two, a glass of milk. When I was a toddler, I loved my bottles. Low key, when I was a toddler, I fucked with milk. You know, y'all remember as a kid? You all remember playtime? No, no, no.

I didn't have none of that shit. I just had milk. Number three, a rock. Why would you do this? Misfire says, I have a crush on my pet rock named We Will Rock You. Hmm, maybe I should name him Rocky Raccoon instead. What do you think? I think you should stop having a crush on your pet.

Just make it lose like a handsome anime guy. Just because a pet is a rock doesn't mean you're allowed to have a crush on it. You can't have a crush on a pet. That's not, that's no point. That's a good point. Does that mean you want to crush your rock? They probably want to crush their private parts with their private parts with the rock. That's probably what crush means.

That's probably where the term originated endymologically. Maybe. Number four, a book. What if it's a pop-up, though? Yeah, it's a pop-up book that doesn't count. Yeah, that might as well just be a person. Because you can kiss the character.

Sports Illustrated fucking swimsuit edition. That's a book that's a magazine. It's a book. It's a magazine. It's a book. It's a magazine. It's a book. There's pages. No, there's no pages. There's pages on the book There's no There's no

You can't keep it on the shelf though Well how about this Cameron A dictionary of Hot swimsuit girls That might be a book That might be more than a book to me That might be a lifestyle Let me tell you why the B section

Yeah Seriously some boobs on that That's it's not like names or anything No it's different parts of the girl And you know what okay There's bras, too. Boobobs, bras, buts, buts.

B is a heavy, vaginas. There's a heavy, heavy back. Back, yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, you should have seen this girl's back, dude.

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah, what, I mean, that is a stack section, brain, beard. Brain, yep. No, yeah, A is great, too. Belly. Ass, Adam's apple. Yeah.

Actually. her boobs. Yep. A big boob, a small boob. Yeah. A a hole. A finger. Another finger. A finger in her thing. Let's see. C is good

too. Yep. Crap. Crazy parts. Not crap. Cood. No. Cooder. Custer. Cumber. Cumber. That's what you call her thing. Corny. her corns her chute she's got corns her chute maybe like her

yeah true yeah yeah her c h u te clevicle cranny cranny her cranny oh my god her her her chagina her that crazy pussy yeah her creepy

that's under tea Caleb it's under tea her creepy that's under tea that's under you started the T section that's under T creepy zone the d the d and the t section are very similar a lot of that and that that fang

that fang that boobes the pussy yeah no and d are also similar a and d are also yeah oh man yeah I mean that dictionary

I would get a box set yeah they sell it at the I got it in this scholastic book fair it's the most expensive book they had it cost 500 tickets pretty pretty present it's hard to get those tickets too it is true

very hard number five a door that's not as crazy as a rock to me I think because I mean a door you could cut a hole in the door and there could be a mouth on the other side very good point yeah you like walk up to a glory hole

and you put your dick in, you get a son, you're like, this fucking wall is so amazing. Oh my God. I want to marry this wall. What kind of wall is this? Also putting a glory hole on a door and then somebody just opens it and just slams you into the wall. Shouldn't it be on a door. You're flattened.

You're flattened on the wall. It's jays into the door. They think you're, dude, they'll think your dick is the doork is a doorknob. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. They'll yank it right off. is twisted around they'll try to put a key in your thing hole

number six I'll bar of soap I've had a fair amount of soap on my penis you put a hole in a bar of soap and put your thing through it huh I mean I wouldn't be like opposed to that I guess like I mean yeah I feel like that's like a probably feel pretty good right

I don't know plus you can clean your penis with it that's true they do they do have um at Spencer's Gifts. They have the weenie-cleany, which is a ring of soap. Oh, yeah, the novelty. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you guys what would you guys do?

If you if if you worked at like Dunkin' Donuts or something and a really creepy guy came in and said, can I get the warmest, slipperiest donut that you have? And what's the bathroom coat?

Yeah. Can I get a Boston cream? Only put a little bit of cream. Yeah. And microwave the cream. Could you pour orange juice on a croissant and then heat it up for a little bit and then give it to me? No, I don't need a bag. I'll just put it in my hands. Thanks.

Yeah. Do you have a donut where there's a hole and there's a special part above the hole that's really extra special? I have like a big sprinkle on the top of the donut. But make it a little hard to find. And could you guys not look at that corner for a minute? Yeah. I'm only going to need two minutes. I mean, well, to eat the dough.

donut. Two minutes. Average. Yeah. Number seven, a box. Well, hold on. Hold on. In that dictionary, if that dictionary taught me anything. Box can actually mean quite a few things. Yeah, the comment is, the sexy box. Tung out. Yeah, the sexy box. Yeah, the sexy box. Number eight, a fictional character.

Here's a comment from Patrick But I've pretty much only ever liked fictional characters Since I was three years old Right now I have a crush on Luke Skywalker If that's so silly I must be quirky Wow Patrick, that's a great comment You're really good at typing, you're getting a lot better It's here's another comment

Here's another one for Patrick That's both bestiality and pedophilia Because Elmo is a three-year-old monster Not replying to anything Right? No one said anything about Elmo. Here's a comment here from Kate and Young that just says, what? I had a thought about Elmo today. I was thinking about

like, what? I was thinking about calling him because I'm like best friends with that guy. You're not best friends with Elmo. But if you are, can you ask him what he looks like if you shave all his hair off? Yeah, I want to know. I could ask him. What does he look like? Does he look like a dog? Probably like red, but with no hair. He might look like a bird under there.

Yeah, it's true. I don't think so. I mean, if you shave off Elmo, you'll see his bones. True. Yeah. He might just be. He's got bones and fur, yeah. Skeleton, the guys. He's all bones under the fur. Number nine, dirt. Dirt.

Yeah, whatever. Minecrafter 1-2-1-2 says, ha-ha, I don't know why this is so funny to me. Probably because of Minecraft. That's a Minecraft-ass comment, my friend. Dude, there's so many on here. We've got to go lightning round. All right, lightning round.

I'm out of here. Pop singer. Picture of Justin Bieber. Mud. Loaf of bread, yourself, an ironing board. A celebrity's butt. Here we go. Top comment, my anaconda

don't want none. Your reflection. A skeleton. A broken condom. A parody music artist. A gorilla. Probably should have just done this list.

No. A broken condom. You already said that one. Number 67 here. Number 47 is a baby. And the comment is, only pedophiles would have a crush on a baby. Number 67 is a dictator.

And it's a picture of Hitler. Oh, my God. My friend literally has a crush on Joseph Stalin. Not kidding. A cat. Number 72, a video game. I have a crush on Mario Kart 8 because it's so amazing and I love it. A smartphone.

One of your comments posted online is the last one. Number 73, your butt. Oh, that's dirty. Oh, that's not right. Bye. Bye. Oh.