Podcast About List - Ep. 159 - Seinfeld Cornhole

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

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You're listening to Israel's number one podcast. I'm going to be a lot of list. You're a crap monster. Oh, I just scrooge. No, the screw guys like this. I'm going to screw you. He goes like this. I thought he were doing scrooge.

Oh, man, there's a screw in my chair. There's a screw in Caleb's chair. I'm going to screw you. Maybe he could be like, why. Combine it like that guy. This is my screwing chair, he could say, maybe. I'm going to screw you in that chair. Yeah.

There's a. Yeah. Like, yeah, there's like. You see that chair? That's where I'm going to screw you. I'm the screw guy. This is my. Maybe he could say, like, this is my screwing screw, and he's got a screw.

I don't like when it's like, like, people refer to, like, sex as screwing. I think. That's so weird. I think they should do it more. They should do it in, like. It's a gross image, I think, because when I think of a screw, I think of, like, you know, when you, like, see a screw, and it's got, like, the... A spiral of...

I think they should do it more... Like, it should be more accepted as, like, a... Right, yeah. When you confront your wife for cheating on you, you should be like... Did you... Did you... Have you been screwing that one guy? Which, I mean, you know, you watch any made for TV...

Yeah. Or not made for TV, but, like, you know, edited for TV movie. Yeah. And it's like, that's all your... I miss that. I haven't had cable in so long. I haven't seen a Hallmark movie in a while? Not a Hallmark movie, but, like, good fellas on Spike TV.

I mean, it's, it's, you can't, you don't get the, like, the edited version of good movies, but if you get, like, tuby or voodoo or something and just scroll through, like, the free with ad stuff they have, you can find, like, the, so, like, the perfect, like, sci-fi channel stuff that's, like, forgotten. Like, I found a show that had one episode called Legend of the Dog Man. Have we talked about the, the, the TV edit of The Departed? No. Where they do, like, in the intro, they're, like, they're, like, you. Yeah, Boston.

It's a town full of weirdos. Freaks. It's awesome, dude. First, you had the freaks. And some real weirdos. Creepies. Yeah, and then creeps. And the Polish.

It's awesome, dude. Dude, I fucking, I missmade for TV edits. That was, like, such a, like, thing, the early 2000s was, like, watching just edited, like. Right. I could never. Maybe it was just the nostalgia thing I'm thinking. I could never do that.

I never, because this is, this is really very specific to me, but I would be like, well, if I watch the edited for TV version, I'll just have to watch it again because I'll like miss stuff, so there's no point. Like, I wouldn't watch movies on airplanes either because I was like, oh, they edit some of those, so I won't even be watching the movie because they take out some of the scenes. They take out the boring love scenes between the girl and boy, and they leave in this cool shit, or use certain violences against each other. Not on Spike.

On Spike, they take out all the girls. Yeah. I mean, Kill Bill is like two minutes on Spike. Yeah, it's the best two-minute movie of all time. Yeah. It's just called Bill. Yeah. Yeah, you should have seen the version of eighth grade they did.

It was crazy. Eighth grade on... Oh, now it's the Paramount Network. Oh, now they'd probably double the length of the movie instead. Yeah. We'd probably double the girls in the movie. They probably chopped and screwed it. Yeah, it's all purple.

Yeah. Yeah, or pink, actually, because of all the girls, because of girls were in it. Yeah. Speaking of two, I just remembered on Tubey. I used to watch, I think it was AMC had like a show where Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley were trying to re-boot arena football. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They bought a team.

They bought the team in L.A. And they named it the L.A. This was recently, right? Yeah, this is like 2014, the show. came out and like the first like I feel like I've talked about this before on the show but I don't think so the first like episode is a guy

who's like you know like football is like my passion but my doctor says if I get one more concussion I'll go blind and like it's all like the like the training process and like them like recruiting people for the team and he like has an injury

in the middle of practice which I mean you know get like do that to like raise drama in the show make the make a show about paul stanley and jean simmons doing business interesting but it's just so funny like imagine losing sight because you wanted to play football for jean simmons yeah i mean like you know that's like dying for your country though yeah that's like and that country is israel jean sir this is the most pro is real rock and roller he's the man in the world i i was watching a show on two beat because i couldn't find anything to watch and it was about, it was like a cryptid show where they like go and like interview people about like,

like the cryptids that live in their country or whatever. And I was watching one about the Tata Duende, which is like a gnome from like Belize or I think it's Belize. But basically it's like this thing where like the Tata Duende is not like a cryptid. It's like a thing that that like parents tell their kids like, oh, you better behave or that Tata Duende is going to come and like attack you or like take you away at night. But it's so funny. It's like doing like a like a ghost adventures episode about, like, the tickle monster or something? I had one of those as a kid, but my mom... You had a Tata Duende?

You had a personal tickle monster? No, no, it was like, uh, the guy. My mom would say, like, oh, you don't, if you don't clean your room, the guy's going to come, the guy's going to come and inspect the house. I think it was probably just somebody just like... Oh, that's your fucking landlord. What do you mean? I don't know.

I don't know if we had a landlord, but if you, if you don't clean up the bathroom, the guy's going to come in the guy's going to come and he's going to take it away like she would like threaten us like child services taking us away basically we used to threaten my mom with with CPS because she knew a lady who worked there and her name was in the like family like phone book and so if my mom ever did any like grounded us I'd be like I'm going to call her tomorrow I'm going to call her I'm going to say that you bit me and she was like no you serious I didn't know how to dial the room though yeah yeah I was He had a rotary phone.

I didn't have a rotary phone. You know what? I was thinking about that the other day, getting like a landline for my apartment. You should get one of those ones where you have a cone here. Yeah. Dude, my grandmother had a pay phone in her apartment. Like, that you could.

The worst financial decision I've ever heard. No, I mean, you don't need to pay for it. Like, it's like unlocked or whatever. But it's so, it was, I can't believe that there's because, like, I would always be like, this is a coolest thing ever. I would just want to put quarters in there. Like, as a kid, so I would just put all. my quarters and they were like can i get the backer she'd be like no

you just willingly put the quarters in yeah well sometimes it'd be like can i borrow a quarter to put it in just because i thought it was like fun because you like open up the slot and like put it in and you hear it like roll around in there and if you put in like a nickel or something it like returns it yeah you can get the quarterback did you guys ever know i mean you absolutely can but she did you just have to call the operator and say no she had she had a key to open it to get the quarters oh really yeah she just kept the quarters did you guys ever know a fucking Oh, like in her apartment, not like in the lobby. Yeah, like in, no, in her house.

Oh, okay. I thought it was in the lobby. In the lobby? What lobby? I said her house. I thought you said her apartment. Oh. I think I said her house if I didn't.

Do you guys ever know a fucking kid who had a gumball machine in his house? Oh, when kids had like, well, gumball machines or like the Lionel coin bank. Yeah. I was like, man, you're just made of money, huh? Yeah, like, what the fuck, dude? I remember talking with a kid. I was like, why did you, like, buy a gumball machine? Why not, like, buy just gumballs?

and he was like, well, because I have people over, I spent $25 on this gumball machine. So if 100 people get one gumball... Do you go to Gary V's house? Yeah, I did. I mean, you know, this kid was... He's... I'm sure he's friends with Gene Simmons,

if that makes any sense. I'm sure. He would be good friends with Gene Simmons. It's so genius when they have things like a gumball machine that has like a track for the gumball to roll down or one of those things where it's like you donate, but like you put the quarter in it like rolls around down like a funnel you ever seen one of those oh yeah like the dinosaur they're a dinosaur that the chad one the children's hospital uh

i don't know it's like a dinosaur they would have there was in walmart and you put like the quarter in the dinosaur's mouth and you watch exactly shit like that yeah they had one of those they used to have one of those just to get kids to give it money they used to have one of those in the the arsenal mall they used to have an arcade in the arsenal mall and they used to have one of those right outside the arcade which is so funny because it's like You know, kids are going to be leaving and just putting the tokens that they didn't use in there. Like, that's not going to help kids with cancer. That's a horrible.

Like, it's either I could put my coin in this, like, funnel or I could go play ski ball and, like, win a prize. Like, what if, what if a kid with cancer's a last wish is to play ski ball? Exactly, yeah. And they're like, sorry, but we can't do it. No tokens. We only have quarters. You can turn a quarter into a token pretty quick. It's hard.

You got to go to the airport. You got to go to the currency exchange. Yeah. I never thought about how that was right. outside the arcade. That really does seem like the worst place to put that. Oh, absolutely. Like, yeah. There's a very clear choice of what you can do with your quarter there.

Yeah. You can put in your mouth. Yeah. Do you guys what I did? Swallow a quarter? I swallowed a quarter. A damn penny. Yeah, I ate a quarter in the pool. A quarter? I ate a quarter in the pool. A quarter is so huge. I swallowed a quarter to. I would throw the quarters in the pool and then like jump

into the pool and like catch them before they reach the And you always jump into the pool with your mouth wide open? No, I tried to catch it with my mouth because I thought it was funny and then swam back up and swallowed the quarter. There's so much, so I'm drinking like chlorine water and a quarter. And as soon as I got out of the pool, like, I'm like kind of choking. I'm just like, my mom's like freaking out. I was like, I eat a quarter. I get a quarter.

I feel like it should be a bigger deal, but it seems like it's no one really cares. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my little brother ate a penny. I never told anybody because I was like somebody that's going to kill. kill me for doing that. It's gonna, I'm gonna die.

And I don't want them to know that I'm gonna die. Yeah, well, no, like, either someone's gonna get mad at me or they're gonna say you're gonna die in a week. Yeah. And either way, I don't want that.

And they're gonna fucking cut me over for that damn for a damn jawbreaker. Yeah. Yeah. Those jawbreakers are too damn big. Here's the thing. The jawbreakers, first of all, that ain't going in my mouth.

That thing's humongous. You know, second of all, do these kids eat anything other than candy? I don't know. Yeah. Third of all, Third of all, that kid, that Ed kid is not 10. He is 30 years old.

Listen to his voice, dude. He is 30 years old and knows he's a girl. And fourth of all, that plank's not real. It's just a piece of wood. It can't talk to the guy. Exactly. So there's a lot of things about that. Why did you take those out?

Do you give me your hand? No. No. What? Will you close your eyes? No. Don't put the handcuffs on me. Why?

I don't want to put the handcuffs on. Why? Because you're scared. I'm not scared. I just don't want handcuffs on me. Why? Because I don't like them. You're scared of the police.

I put them on. Come on, put them on. You're resisting arrest and I'm going to have to kill you. This is so embarrassing. Dude, I'm filming you right now. Oh my God, he's resisting arrest. He's literally resisting arrest. Come here.

Come here. You have to give me your hands. I'm an officer of the court. Get it on him. Those aren't even, oh, wait. Those are like the little kid. I could fucking fight these. Dude, I'll destroy these.

Hold on. Oh, fuck. No, don't destroy it. Don't destroy it, please! Don't. Can you just let me handcuff you to something in my house like me?

You fucking... You're going to jail. Oh, yeah? I spent $50 on those. No, you did not spend $50 on these. I'm sorry. From here, I can see those are at least $50 handcuffs.

Those are made out of platinum. That's why they're so easy to break. um i'm sorry i'm acting up i lost a lot of blood earlier at the doctor yeah oh yeah caleb went to the hospital for the first time in 10 years i did i went to the doctor and dude dude it was so it was crazy i didn't realize what this what did they do this now i walked in i because i've been having like heart palpitations i walked in and i was like yeah i've been having heart palpitations the doctor said she said by the third thing that she said she was offering me SSRIs really i swear to god she was like she was like so uh like hi my

name is whatever and I was like yeah cool and she was like what are your symptoms and I was like oh I've been getting like heart palpitations at night and she was like okay so we can do a couple things one I can send you to a cardiologist or two I can give you SSRIs like right now and like send you on your way SSRIs are fucking evil dude it's horrible the worst medicine of all times I mean I'm trying to go the first two letters no disrespect and then Rhode Island at the end which is like the scariest shit like no disrespect to people who like need to take SSRIs for their mood or something but you should just be willpower on your way through

it. Have you ever tried being normal? Have you ever just like eating a vegetable? Just don't jump out the window. You know what you need to do? Literally that fucking easy. It's called, it's called turmeric. It's all you need to take. It's called self-control, dude. It's literally called hanging out and watching TV and eating a sandwich.

Yeah, watch a sims. Hey, smile, honey. Smile more. You should smile more. You look pretty when you smile. You're taking these damn SSRIs. You fucking blow. loaded-ass face. And also, you want to have sex with me because you're on SSRIs. Yeah. Oh, speaking of sex. I haven't been to the doctor in a long time. It is sexual. Yeah. The doctor is sexual. Yeah. And what way? That is weird.

That is the most intimate contact that I've had with a woman since I've been with Jana. She was, like, touching, like, my face. Did you get, did she? She's holding me. She held me. Did you get, like, a full checkup? She thought you were a baby, dude. She held me, dude. She held me close, wouldn't let me go. And she was like, she was like, I need to check your heartbeat. I started fucking just on my back, had one hand on the front, had another hand. Just, just compressing me, dude, making me feel whole again.

And she was just sitting there. Maybe that's all you needed. And then she charged me $10. Really? Yeah. Nice. And where did you say this was? But yeah, they took a bunch of my blood.

Yeah. I tried to give me on SSRIs. I said, hell no. And then just gave my blood as a peace offering. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty excited. I think I might go to the doctor more.

Did you, do they have one of those, like, temperature scanners when you go in? You know, those. Yeah. When I went, I was visiting my, my grandma and, like, her senior, whatever, I don't know what it's called. But, like, they had, like, school. Senior prison, yeah. But they had, because I know they have, here they have the scanners where they, like, put it against your forehead and it just, like, lights up. But at that place, they had a scanner that was, like, an iPad with a camera, and you, like, center your face.

And those are crazy because it's like, I know you don't need this. I know you don't need like a picture of me for my temperature. And this just makes me want to like stand here for 20 minutes. Like playing with it like a memo. And like seeing if my temperature changes if I open my mouth as wide as I can. Or like pulling up like a picture of somebody on my phone and like holding it up to try and scan that. Like it took all my willpower not to. Dude, it was so fucked.

I like went in there really hoping like please be cancer. Please be something really fucking. Nothing. Well, she was like, okay, so you have, she was like, you have ideal blood pressure, and you have the heart rate of an Olympic athlete. And I was like, she was trying to fuck you. I was like, well, you, like, what's good? What's good? Like, what's our next move? Oh, my God. Yeah. And she was like, the rhythm of your heart is actually perfectly in sync with mine. And we're the same blood type. And we have the same last name. It's beautiful. They also hooked me up to, they put electrodes on me. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was fucking freaky. They shocked you?

yeah they shocked me oh wow yeah I'm straight it's beautiful no they just like they hooked up like all these old fucking stickers to me and then they put all these wires on me

and they fucking they found out that I have the heart rate of an Olympic athlete wow yeah that's good I mean that actually that sounds bad to have the heart rate yeah because it was just what you drove there right

yeah you probably didn't have the heart rate of an Olympic athlete like people who are in really good shape have like slightly below normal heart rates and so she was like you have like a very like a low heart rate but you also are not like one percent body fat so it's probably

bad yeah yeah so i just don't i think my heart is a little on the slow side but think about heart problems is if you just ignore them they go away yeah yeah but i mean that's most problems i don't you don't have to go to the fucking doctor for anything i remember i went the last time i they took my heart rate at the doctor they were like oh my god and i just never went back to the doctor and said fine that's a move also like i don't think my dad's been to the doctor in the doctor in in 30 years and he's been like chewing tobacco for like 30 years and it doesn't matter if they don't tell you everything's wrong it's like if he doesn't because also if my dad died tomorrow I'd be like well I'm you know he's like close to 60 that makes sense but if he had gone to the doctor

10 years ago and then we had this 10 years of like oh no dad's gonna die yeah yeah it's way better for him to just be like I'm out yeah I know I mean you like as somebody is just like an extreme hypochondriac I still I don't go to the doctor because if they tell me anything I'm gonna freak out about it for the rest of my life doctor that's the number one place to get sick they have to keep all the diseases there to test true to test whether you have and they're spraying those things on their lunch break because it's fun brooklyn like hospitals are like wait like they had me pee they did it a pee sample and they drank it well they peed into a red solo cup really what yeah I was a fucking I don't believe

I swear to God, dude. I swear to God. She was like, she was like, just grab one of those cups. And instead, usually it's like a little thing with like a green cap. Yeah, for shit like that is just a red solo cup. I don't think he went to an actual doctor. Yeah. I went to Van Waldor, General.

Yeah, the more I hear about this visit, the less I think... Go there, dude. You were in the right place. La Providencia. Yeah. It was a... Family medical. Yeah.

I mean, that would be, if you open, like, like, If you have an apartment next to an urgent care, just put an urgent care sign on your, on your apartment door. That's free blood, free urine. Free blood and free urine, yeah. Well, that's the tools, too. Yeah. I mean, we've looked up medical tool prices before. Oh, yeah, we did.

It's pretty fucking expensive. We could do, I mean, you know, we chip in. We all get it together. It's literally really easy to draw blood. You just have to cut somebody and take the blood out. That's true. I mean, if you want all the fancy shit, I mean, they just, the tube they have to draw blood, that's the same as like a gumball machine. with the track.

True. Like, that's just to look cool to make you excited about the blood. It's like a silly straw from crazy clowns. Yeah. If you wanted, I mean, that's also, that's why they, that's why they, it costs so much to go to the doctor here.

It's because they're using all these fancy tubes and needles, exactly. A real doctor just cuts you with their canine tooth and they let it drip out onto a napkin, and then they ring the napkin out into their blood machine. Yeah. That's why if you ever look at, like, if you go to, like, urgent care, like the hospital, you look at the medical bill. It says silly tube.

Toot tax. Yeah, it says silly straw. most of the of the bill yeah it is i do after this visit i do feel like american health care is so expensive because the doctors have to be sexual to you i honestly do yeah she was so it could be yeah she diagnosed herself with humongous boobs i swear to god man i yeah that's the other thing health care in this country is so expensive it's just so expensive i'm i'm sure you're clapping at home. The thing about is it just costs so much

damn money and it's due to the system as well. Oh, you know what? Don't get me fucking started on the system. And show damn Biden is one of the guys doing it. It's not about... He's not allowed to talk about... It's not about the system, right? Right.

It's about literally the factors that influence the system. Class. Yeah. Health care. Health care is a huge factor in this system. Yeah. I mean, the system.

You know, you got to learn the system to teach the system. The different branches of the presidential government. Here's a question. You need my age. You need my weight. You need my height when I go to the doctor. What are you going to do? Build a statue of me.

Well, that too. But also, like, you don't care what my favorite color is? It's blue. You don't care? You know? You thought I wouldn't notice that you're not asking me my favorite color. Right. And my favorite time and my favorite number, my favorite letter.

Oh, what about my favorite food? My favorite song? Can you play my favorite song? Can you play my favorite song? It's like the nurse. comes in, asks me for all this information, the doctor comes in and asks me his same information again. Exactly. That is the most annoying part. It is so, it's, they're, they, they are, it's a conspiracy to make nurses more annoying. Yeah, nurse comes in. She's hot, right? She's big and hot.

Nurse leaves. Doctor comes in. She's like the Russian nesting doll that that nurse was sitting in before. Looks the same, bigger, hotter, right? She comes in. She says, I'm going to need 50 cc's your come. 50 cc. I'm going to need two double, I'm going to eat 50. 50 cc's on my two double D's. And unfortunately, I also need a stool sample. Also, on my double D's, if you don't mind. On my double B's, my double butt cheeks. I call D's my double D's.

How about poop on a butt? No, that's a little more normal. I don't want to think about poop on anything. I'm about poop between the bunches like that. Unfortunately, we're out of those little vials who put the stool samples in, so I'm going to need you to put it between these two slices of bread. Yeah, if you can just put, what do we have around here? I guess we have my lunch box.

Take, will you put your stool sample in my lunchbox? And remember, fill it to the top this time. Yeah. There's a fill line in the lunchbox. I just hate going to Dr. Poop. He always eats my poop. It's like, listen, buddy. Yeah.

If I could get you to put this, if I could get you to put your urine sample into this glass here, there's already some liquid in there, don't worry about it. It's just a little bit of tonic and a little bit of lemon. There's an ice cube in there, too. And when you're done, could you put in a little umbrella on there to let you know. Let me know that it's ready. And also, could you take the lemon, twist it, and rub it around the rim a little bit? And then throw it in.

That would be great. I'm the doctor. Thank you. After you, after you, you know, fill this cup with your urine sample, I just need you to microwave it and throw in a few marshmallows for me. Would you be, would you even be mad if there was, like, if you found out that there was like, drinking my pee? Yeah. Or if you found out there was a guy who sits outside of your toilet all day and your shit, like, I wouldn't care. I just feel like

If there was a guy eating my shit If he's just eating it That's fine So you know that hole that goes The tube that goes from your toilet All the way down the street If he just put his mouth on that

Like he was like a hamster sucking his food house If he was eating it right out of the tube I'm fine with that But if he's storing it in any capacity That's not okay Because he might clone me Exactly Because he might take my DNA

I mean as long as he's not cloning me Yeah that's a good Yeah That's the other thing is a lot of the The lot of the doctor questions are very clon-heavy. So they can build a profile. What's something that only you would know

but that someone else would know to ask you that only you would know? Yeah. Are you sexually active? Have you ever been cloned before? No reason. No reason it just doesn't work twice. You can't clone a clone.

Are you a clone? You actually can't clone a clone. It's just something we have to know. Yeah. She also kept trying to make me get STD tests. Yeah. She kept being like, which I feel like it does not.

not reflect well on what I look like. Like, I walked in and she was like, if she was like, first SSRIs, second off, we have to get you an HPV booster shot. I was like, I think I'm fine, lady. Yeah. Speaking of HPV. List.

Top 10 worst sounds the human body makes by Coal 33. Number one, vomiting. I don't like the sound of vomit. I got to be honest. What about this? It doesn't, if somebody fails, Making a fake vomit sound is not bother me at all, but the actual sound of vomit will make me very... I don't think it's the dry heave that bothers me.

I think it's the sound of the puke hitting like the, like the splice. Yeah, it's the sound of the puke coming out of the body to, like, there's a difference between so... Like, because it sounds like a cough that's shooting stuff out, you know? And it sounds very disgusting. I, speaking of dry heaving, I was cleaning my ears yesterday. And I think... Where is this going? I don't know.

I went too far into the ear, I think. You went far enough to make yourself gag? I put the, I put the cuttip in my ear. Are you kidding, dude? And I coughed and was like dry heaving. I don't know. Don't do not put the cut tips in your ears. Why?

It's not good. If you're going to use a cuttip, you got to use it like around the very edge of your ear. Like, I was bored. I'm going to get you a tomogachi. Why? What does that have to do with any of this? Just would give you something to do. Oh, okay.

You know what? Good point. I think it's a really, yeah. But, yeah, I don't know how I made myself dry heaved cleaning my ear. You put it so deep into your ear that it hits your nose. And it hits your medulla oblongata. That is not where the medulla oblongata. You pointed to the, he pointed to his throat.

I don't know what a medulla oblonged is. It's from the water boy. Very funny word, though. Here's the top comment from Blue and Black Midnight Rose. Okay, this is going to be good. Yeah. Listening to someone vomit is absolute torture. One time a very long time ago, a kid in my class said he felt sick, so he was sent to the bathroom.

And the thing is, the bathroom was right across the corner from the classroom, and you could hear any body fluid coming from people in those bathrooms. I was trying to take a test, and I heard loud gagging and gooey vomiting through the walls. I felt so sick and ill. I couldn't focus on my test anymore. Gooooooooooey. Oh, yeah. I think that you... Yeah, well, they didn't know that it was gooey until the vomiting guy left the bathroom, and they heard the janitor go in and go, it's so ooey, gooey.

And then heard, like, the sounds of, like, Scooby-Doo eat or something. Yeah, and then heard the dinner walking, and going, P, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, I don't have a fear of vomiting. I ever would. I think the worst time I ever vomited, uh, I was, like, five years old, and I got, like, a, uh, the Burger King had, like, a chicken parm. That's, you were the dumbest five-year-old of all the time. I know.

It was, like, a Burger King, like, I don't know if it was a chicken par. I think, I think, I think it was. Parm? As in Parmesan? Yeah, it was like a chicken sandwich with like tomato sauce at Burger King. At Burger King? Yeah. And I ate one of those and I was like, I just immediately, I've never, I think that's the first time I've ever had food poisoning.

Really? Because I remember the next day just like getting up and I think I just like, I had just really bad diarrhea. And then like my mom was like, are you sick? And I went, yep. And just fucking just projectile vomited on the ground. But I didn't have to go to school, which was nice. One time, I vomited when my dad tried to tell me that my parents were getting divorced. We were like, I swear to God, I was like, I was like feeling really sick coming home from football.

And he was like, you know, son, we mean your mom. And I'm in the front of his suburban. And I'm like, yeah, dad, yeah, what's good, what's good? Let me know. He's like, you know, we've been having immediately just vomit all over his dashboard. And, dude, he's never been more relieved in his life. He's like, oh, my God. Kick that can down the road.

Yeah. I'm going to skip to number two here. Number two is farting. Oh. That's smelly. Come on. Yeah. There are so many variations in sounds in farts, or trumping, as my nan calls it. Whoa. I think it funny, especially if it's quiet and someone lets out a little squeaky one.

It sets off the whole office. That's bad. The fact that this person works in an office is scaring me. I do, speaking of doctors, I do feel like if a doctor... Or a nurse or an EMS worker? What if a doctor farted? No. Let's go down that road.

No. If a doctor smelled one of my farts, they would like admit me to like Cedar sign. Yeah, there's some farts you get where it's just like, oh, there's something wrong with you. You have like, you might, you maybe don't even need to call a doctor. You need to call a priest. Like this is like there's something like truly like an ancient evil in me. Yeah. You know, like that's how I feel.

Every once in a while, I held them in because she should love. me so much. Yeah. She loved me down. Here's a comment. As I was writing down this comment, I farted. My mates kicked me out of their stupid Jojo Siwa gang just because I farted in front of them. For some particular reason, I always fart.

For some particular reason. There's stupid Jojo Siwa gang. Yeah. It's so funny. There's a bunch of kids dressed like, like, what is it, Lisa Frank? Yeah. Yeah, look at all dressed in like Lisa Frank clothes. Or like bow tie.

Yeah, and one of them just going to hang out with us if you're going to be farted. You're out of the gang, kid. Get out. They were in, like, pink leather jackets or, like, white. They're like those Disney gangs. Yeah, leather jackets. And they're walking around, like, hey, we're going to go do graffiti on the side of the mall. We should start a gang like that.

Oh, dude, we should start a Jojo Siwa gang. We should just start, like, a Tunnel Snakes type gang. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, imagine, like, a tunnel snakes type thing, but it's just like a picture of Jojo Siwa in the back. is yeah you guys you could just say I mean I just moved here and I've already picked up on this so I don't know if you guys you know if you've had any experience with this but certain so you have to be really careful wearing certain colors like if you wear green in the sewers the ninja mutant turtles might run up on you that's a really good point you know if you wear like a gray blue in the ocean they might think you're a shark yeah yeah you have to be careful wearing your fin your fin that's yeah you don't want to wear anything rainbow in Bushwick definitely not Definitely not, dude. They might think you're a part of this gang in Bushwick.

And if you, if you wear... Also, leprechaun my run up on you, you do. You have to be careful, too, like, pretty much anywhere in the city, if you wear transparent clothes, the police are going to... Yeah, you definitely got to watch what you wear. If you wear, like, like, yeah, for instance, a police station, if you wear, like, a suicide vest, you know, that's, like, a bad. You're going to get, you're going to get clapped up.

Yeah, absolutely. It's, like, it's real out there. Yeah. My brother farts silently, but is so stinky. Very annoying. Plus, it smells like barf. My favorite type is the cheese toasty or the cornhole creeper. Cornhole creeper.

The cornhole creaker. Come on, man. The cheese toastie is really bad, too. Cheese toasty, that, that's like a food. Cornhole creeper, that's like a Halloween thing. But refined you a fart as a cheese toasty. Why is it? It's gross.

It's nasty. A cornhole creeper. I've never seen, I've seen corn and I've seen a hole. I've seen corn. I've seen a hole. I've never seen no damn cornhole creeper. Why are you in my cornhole? Call the cornhole.

Corn is the only thing that comes out of it. Everything else, just a brown sludge, corn, intact. It's my cornhole. Yeah. But, like, does the name... That's my new character, poop sign. Poope Sinefeld, by the way. Like, I've heard the word cornhole, but I've never, like, like, because it's, obviously

it's derived from a thing that's called a cornhole. Is it just, is it just, like, do you call a butthole and cornhole because of the game, or is it like a cornhole is the game, right? It's the game where you throw the bean bags. Yeah, okay. Across the world into the hole. Okay. Not word.

You guys know I have a hard time saying stuff sometimes. You just leave me alone Across the fucking mission Barbecue parking lot You throw a fucking bean bag Right And you try to get it Why is it called a bean bag

Is it because it's a bag full of beans Oh yeah Well Jay I'm hungry I might just put one open I might have to eat the beans I think every other toy should have food in it And after that I'm going to go eat the corn out of the hole Jerry

You don't want to do that No let me see your corn hole I ate the corn out of it I put my hand in the hole Let me put my bean bag in a colonel. He's a disgusting mom. Yeah, it's a cornhole where you throw a bean bag. Yeah.

Wait, what? Excuse you. While you're drinking beer. What's next? A pizza penis? I mean, what's up with these food metaphors? What's next? I'm going to park my bread car in your soup garage?

Just complete nonsense. What am I going to do? Get on the French fry subway? What is this? Does this make any sense? Yeah, why don't I just sit down? It doesn't make sense? Why don't I just sit down on my peanut butter chair?

Yeah, sure. Jerry, that is an actual peanut butter. I know. I made a peanut butter chair. I made it at home. It feels warm. It feels good. It molds in my body.

It's like a temperatech. It's so creamy. It's a temper peanut. And what's the deal with calling it? Food and poop Seinfeld now is the new version What is this? You put the poop

You put the food in your mouth And it becomes poop What does that happen What do you turn to call me If I put my poop on my butt I'll burp up a cheeseburger I don't think so You put food

And What? Jerry, The left side of your face is sinking. Mead butter, meat of butter.

The toast. Toast. Toast. The toast perfume. You say burning toast, Jerry? Burning toast. Burned.

Dr. Food, doctor. Cheeseburger Butler. Cheeseburger Butler. Jerry, that's the greatest idea of you've ever had.

Some like assistant comes in and just like, like shoots Botox His face as normal again Like this happens every day Yeah that's just what he knows He just starts If you talk if you mention emojis

He just starts doing this At some point Texting Why is it like an emoji Me no me Me When you look at the emojis You know we

Wee we'll be booby This poop is smiling Why is he smiling It makes no sense Why would poop smile It comes out of my body I have a smile He's not happy

He's poop If you were happy Would you wake up every morning With a smile on your face I don't think so If you were poop I mean If you poop happy

If you were happy pooping If you were happy Frowning They should make a frowning They should make a frowning poop They should How have they not made a frowning poop You're not made a frowning poop

It's gonna take me ten minutes To get out of the voice Yeah Might be stunk in his voice For a couple minutes Yeah Number three snoring My aunt Dottie has super loud snoring

And I woke up one time When I was sleeping with her on a vacation And I couldn't go back to sleep Because she was snoring so loudly Snoring, that's not like that bad of sound Sleeping with your aunt, man What's you doing, baby boy? What is that about, man?

She better be warm as hell My snoring's pretty bad Really? It's bad but it's not a disgusting I talked about this last episode Just how bad Yeah, we already talked about snoring Yeah, fuck snoring

But yeah whenever I snore it sounds like I'm dying. Yeah, number four, chewing. Chewing. Are you getting disturbed when people chew at their mouth open? I don't give a fuck. If I'm already, like, stressed out. Or, like, if I'm annoyed already by something, it'll piss me off.

If it's someone that annoys me and I can, like, pick apart, like, why they're annoying me. Right. And they're, like, chewing super loud with their mouth open. They just, like, got food all over their face. I'm just like, you just fucking stop. Yeah. But, like, in general, it doesn't, it doesn't bother me, like, immediately. If like maybe it's like chewing and there's like a few snorts in there.

Like I could never. You know somebody's eating like an actual pig. Like that kind of bothers me. But I mean, if they're chewing with their mouth open and like talking with food in their mouth, I don't care. You know what I sound I don't like when people are eating? If somebody bites the fork when they're eating. But they like pull their teeth on the fork. Yeah.

Sounds like a samurai sword being pulled out. What are you doing? Why would you do that? I hate any teeth thing. There's no reason to do. You're not going to, the human mouth is one of the most disgusting things in the world. It doesn't taste very good. We'll leave it at that.

It doesn't, dude. Come on. We'll leave it at that, though. Don't taste like food. You'll be able to pop off your teeth, eat it like gum. We're just doing Timefield made of food again now. Remember that? Yeah.

Seinfeld made of food. I pulled my tooth out. The tooth fairy gives me a quarter. What's this? I gave me my full tooth. You only give me a quarter? That could be one. That could be one.

My tooth is worth a full dollar. Why is it so funny to imagine. This is a gold tooth, maybe, you could say. Jerry Seinfeld talking about food is so funny to me. It's very funny. Just food, though. Just food. Any food, Seinfeld is so good to me.

Yeah. Because, like, the idea that he is confused by, like, food. Just him. Just the thing that everyone is always eating, and it makes sense to everyone. What's the deal with a gingerbread house? It's not a house, and it's not made a gingerbread. Yeah. It's like, what are you?

Who lived in a gingerbread? that house? What's a cheese bugger? I've never had a cheeseburger. Everyone's always eating these damn boogers and cheese boogers. What is the sand on my sandwich? I don't know how to get the food into my belly. I like the...

I wish I just had a hole in my stomach. Then I can put the food in there. That's a very good idea, actually. It's efficient. That's just... Colossomy bag. That is kind of fucked up. Yeah.

I think maybe... I mean, worst sound of human body can make, probably a colossomy bag emptying. Oh, yeah. Well, that's not the human body anymore, though. No, that's a bag. The worst is a human bag. I'm going to hit you with a knowledge bomb right now. Worst sound of human body can make your true love saying, I hate you.

It's true. I would probably say Justin Bieber singing. I bet that's on here. But that's just me. Maybe you guys are girls. I mean, yeah, number five, screaming. Hello. No comments at all.

Yeah. On screaming. I mean, screaming is. Screaming's a cool sound. Yeah. screaming always makes me laugh true really no matter the context okay no but a scream is a very funny sound i think sometimes it makes me scared like when i'm doing it it makes me scared yeah yeah when i hear myself screaming that's pretty scary yeah but if i'm hanging out with someone

they just scream it's like that's very funny when i hear a scream on the subway i get scared yeah that's scary i was like you remember that one time in boston when like i was fully convinced So there was like a mass shooting on the train tracks or something. And it was just snow falling off of a train. But the snow fell off of the train is this huge, like, insanely rattling loud sound. And then a lady goes, ah! So everyone just starts like, like the guy closest starts running. And then the people that he runs by start running.

And then now it's like that mobile game that you get ads for where one guy is running and he picks up all these groups. And so I just started running. And a lady was like immediately out of breath going up like two flights of stairs. She's like, what are we running from? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. And then we got up and then we were just like, got our breasts and kind of acknowledge each other.

And then just, we just both just, like, we didn't try to call the cops or anything. Completely convinced there was a mass shooting going on. Just leave. Yeah, just get out of there. But screaming in like that in public, you always are, I always assume I'm like, somebody is being, uh, attacked. And I'm always also immediately surprised because I'm like, I'm not doing anything. And I'm like, definitely am not going to do. I feel like every time I hear a scream

and I think someone is being attacked or dying and I go to look out the window or like run to look around the corner it's always just like a kid like playing. I was just about to say it's like a kid like running and playing with his friends. I was at I was at a blue park the other day and like I just started hearing like it was like

8 o'clock so it's starting to get and they do it like 10 times in a row too. They were like running down the street and the screenings game. You're killing me! Right. They're like You're so funny. They're like running down the street, so the screaming's getting louder.

I was just, I was, like, covered in sweat. Just kind of, like, sit there trying to cool off. And all I get here was just like, ah! Like, oh, fuck, someone's getting killed. Yeah. You should not be able to scream on the street unless you have a license for it. Absolutely.

This is my screamer's license. Yeah, I think if you are, you have to go take a test to see how funny you are. It should just be like alcohol. You have to be 21 to scream. I agree. That would solve the issue. Because a lot of these kids are screaming way too young. Exactly.

You know? It messes with their, it stunts their brain. Exactly. And then also they get to our age to have that fucking tracheotomy box that I scream too much. I would love to get one of those. They have a Darth Vader voice modulator to help them speak. Yeah. They're always going, oh, bro. Yeah. You know how kids be? They'd be saying, hober. Kids be on a Darth Vader shit these days. Yeah, Darth Vader would be saying hober. Yeah. Number six, burping. Burping, um, I think I've like, I think I actually don't like the sound of burping sometimes.

Really? Yeah, I mean, it's always funny, but, like, some... I mean, Shrack. I don't care about burping really either way at all. I don't think it makes me happy or sad. I never realize burps smell. Dude, I was just about to say that. A burp is worse than a fart, worse than a shit, worse than a piss, worse than a calm, and a spit, and a smell on a poo.

I don't think it's that bad. It's worse than all those. I just think, like, they're getting burped in the face, so many burps in your face. I think if somebody, like, yeah, I think ultimate disrespect, you're walking down the street, a guy just comes up to you, burps in your face. I might have to, like, immediately. If you don't kill that person on the spot, you're a push. Yeah, I would punch bone splinters into their brain immediately. Yeah.

Yeah, I would probably immediately. Why are you laughing? I'd probably do like a, like a finger punch, like in Killville, just like burst right through their chest, probably pull their heart out. Yeah. Probably give it to a kid who needs a kid who needs a heart transplant immediately. I might just like just from, from Templeville. of doom. I might just literally just rip them apart completely and just shred them.

I might do that. You burp at me. I'm shredding you. Yeah, absolutely. You're getting threshed. Yeah, I might pick them up over my head and run around looking for a wood chipper. And it takes me like an hour. And then he's just completely out of breath.

I might turn them into redness with my brain. What happened again? I never learned to burp as a kid. I never, I couldn't like belch because I didn't drink soda or anything. I also never ate all that much food. so. Never. You eat a lot of food and you burp, so.

I don't think I think it was a really. I never didn't eat that much food growing up. I just wasn't really into it, really. Genuinely, that is how I live my life nowadays. I'm just not that into eating food so I don't do it down much. It's true. Yeah, I didn't eat that much food growing up. I like this is not for me

Not even like Oh I was too poor to eat It was just like yeah I just didn't want it I mean it was all around I lived it It was basically Thanksgiving I mean the thing is

You put food in your mouth And after one chew It's like I'm done with this I want this gone I want this in my stomach Immediately I want the taste I do not You like chewing

I'm getting so old now I hate I hate the texture of food So much I'll order Chinese food And then like Three or four bites in Yeah it's like fuck this dude I can't I can't

I can't fucking finish this at all Yeah You used to be an absolute monster truck. Dude, yeah, I was. You could, you fucking used to watch me just eat just insane shit. Used to be fries. Fries, not with the meal, but fries as an extra side order kind of guy. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I worked at, I mean, I worked at restaurants and I'll just get, like, discounted meals. So I just come to, like, like, your apartment, because you lived right down the street from that clover, so I'd get, like, my discounted clover. And, like, show up with, like, oh, they got apple fritters there now. So I'd show up with, like, show up with. Like this gigantic sandwich at order of fries, like a drink that's like just all sugar. Yeah. And then like apple fritters or like a side salad.

I just sit there and just eat all that in your apartment. It's pretty beautiful times. Oh, dude. That was, I mean, still, if I could have that meal right now, it's, I'd look at it. I honestly, the thing is, like, I'm not sure that like, like, being fat sucks in a lot of ways, but also just like not caring and eating anything you want almost outweighs. The bad things about being fat. Which I still do, but I think I just, like, exercise a little bit now. Yeah.

So now it's like... I'm fine. I'm trying to get absolutely ripped right now. I'm eating disgusting things right now. I have that thought that I should get insanely ripped because it would be funny. And then... It would not be funny. As soon as I start working out.

Everybody who has the thought of, like, it would be so funny if I got ripped. It's not that it would be funny. It's you want to be ripped. Yeah. It's beautiful. You would be too good looking, I think. if you got ripped. Really?

Yeah. Probably. Yeah, it'd be upsetting. Yeah. That's why I don't do it. Me, it's funny. I look like a Prometheus alien if I get any muscles. Yeah.

But if you did it, you'd look like a super movie star, Hollywood style, Bollywood style. Bollywood style. They have beautiful people there. They do. They do. They do. Anytime I do, you know, there's like AI, like, what celebrity do you look like? Yeah.

It's always like 15 different like Bollywood guys. Yeah, we've talked to us before. David Crumholtz, yeah. It's just, yeah, there's always a... I just look like the squirtle of, like, a David Crumholtz blastoise. Yeah. Like, that's what I look like. I would love to get really rift, but I can't even play a video game that I enjoy for more than, like, 20 minutes without, like, my brain, like, my brain, like, not, like, I could never do something that I have to do regularly.

It just would never... Oh, yeah. I fucking, I, uh, Gus gave me, like, a workout plan, and, uh, I fucking... Yeah, no, nothing. I can't, like, I did it for, like, two days, and I was just like, I'm like, I just, I just want to skate. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's not fun. I still have that workout either. I might just do that, but who knows? I've been going to the gym, man. It's, it's the worst shit ever. Oh, I fucking hate, I hate going to the gym. You go, you sit, you wait for everything. Yeah.

So many fucking people there. The other day I was there, there was just, like, insanely autistic, like, really old guy there who was just, like, walking around, like, doing the machines, like, rattling and talking to him. and then I walked by him and he said shove it up your ass you Nazi piece of shit I was like holy shit dude I was like what the where the fuck is this coming from dude I mean I'm being persecuted as a bald man yeah it's fucked up dude by this fucking and he was like an old white dude you could have you could have cleaned his clock you could he should have I'm not gonna suck his dick dude what are you talking about it's fucking weird I don't know there's a shower

there is a shower he seemed like that kind of like the kind of old man who like mostly goes there because it's like an easier because he can there he can shower around people so if he falls someone sees it yeah yeah yeah it's not a bad idea oh i fell oh someone needs to pick me up oh someone needs to pick me up penis first yeah that's not a rope mr oh no i dropped all of my souls I'm too old to pick it up Any communal showers like prison He's like oh Any communal shower

Just turns into prison In his he's like it's like prison I drop my soap and I get to have sex Yeah Number seven is hiccuping Hickoping. Hickoping is disgusting I hate hiccups I hate getting hiccups

I don't like getting them But I don't care about hearing Is one of the times And I'm like If I had a button That would painlessly in my life I would press it right now It's like that

Have you ever heard that, like, interview, like, George Clooney, apparently, like, he, like, broke his spine or something, or had, like, some spine thing. He was like, I almost killed myself. That's how I get any time I get the hiccups. It's like, I could, I could seriously end my life right now. Yeah. And I would die. I'd be content. I would die happy. It would be, it would be the only relief I've ever had.

Exactly. Here's a great story. Hickup is embarrassing, plus very funny. If you don't believe me, then guess what? When it was my birthday and birthday party, everyone came, and we put a Bremen cheesecake and a melted chocolate cake. Yum. Instead of everyone sing happy birthday, everyone told me to sing a solo and everyone else clap for me. But something happened, which was when I begin to sing, I hiccup again and again, and everyone thought I was singing so they didn't notice I was actually hiccuping.

So everyone clap while I was hiccuping. In the end of my hiccup, I told everyone I was hiccuping, ha ha ha laugh out loud. That's quite the story. Yeah. I don't believe it. I don't believe it happened. I would never confuse hiccuping for singing. No. That is very funny. I'm a bit of a smart man. Happy. Happy birthday. I don't know. No, I'm going to give myself hiccups. I know, I know. Yeah, I don't want to fucking...

I will say, I never have hiccups in the times when I, like, I shouldn't have hiccups. I don't think I've had hiccups in, like, an insanely long time. Stand up or something. Something where I had to, like, talk and could not have hiccups. I think that would be the end of my life, probably. I mean, you know, those... Do you ever read, like, in the, like, Guinness Book of World Records, it'd always be like, there's a woman who'd hiccup for five years straight.

That's the best thing in the Guinness Book of World Records is when they have, like, It's like, this is the guy who jumps the highest. Yeah, and this is the guy who lives in the most misery. And this is the ugliest fucker in the world. It's so cool. Yeah, here's the world's ugliest woman. She doesn't know we took this picture. I took this photo on the train.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine submitting your photo to the Guinness Book of World Records and being like, I'm applying to like for the ugliest woman ever record. Like, at least maybe I can get this. And they're like, sorry, you're not ugly enough. But you're still like living the worst.

Come on. Please. You don't mean that. Yeah. Not ugly enough. ugliest woman ever. You actually just won the award for Most Beautiful. You're kidding. Are you serious? Yeah, and then you see that it was your mailman

who was opening your letters and was giving you that award. You signing everything, Guinness? Yeah, yeah. That's his name. Yeah. Yeah. It's not the the Guinness World Records. It's not like the Michelin thing. The book is made of beer. I don't know. It could be the Michelin thing. I don't know. It could be made by Michelin. Which like, you know, everyone found out. That one freaked me out. Yeah, everyone found that out at the same time, even though it's like, you know, public knowledge forever,

but then it became like a whole Twitter thing where it's like... Whoa, like, did you know that it's the, the Michelin is actually the tires? They give these food, the food, the best food is the one that smells taste almost like tires? It's also that beer that old ladies always buy, too. Yeah, Michelin beer. Yeah. Michelin Extra. That would be funny, and Michelin just gives it.

michelab ultra is a good beer so i wouldn't get the only the only the only person i ever saw by michelab ultra in the in um when i worked at the liquor store was a really really old lady with a lot of plastic surgery yeah and that is that's a that's the latest beer is not the official beer of the pga yes it is the mickleab ultra is no no look it up are you fucking disabled it's they don't have you're not supposed to there's not i'm sorry that was too far O'Dools, they wouldn't have a non-alcoholic beer. Yeah, they do. No, they wouldn't.

It's on the cans. Remember I was, like, drinking O'Tools for a while? Mickelop Ultra! No. Official beer, dude. Odules, because nobody ever buys them or looks at the label, they can just say whatever they want. Look at the, Odullas can. Official non-official soda of the PGA, maybe.

The other official, maybe it says the unofficial beer. I mean, that was like the funny is, like, five months where I was just, like, drinking, like, odules and shit. It was just like, oh, I'm going to be, like, the most sober guy. It's also really funny to be, like, quitting alcohol, and instead of dropping that, like, you know, extra calories, you're drinking 1,200 calories of soda that tastes like beer every night. That is so funny. Yeah. I stopped drinking, like, odules and shit just after, like... It's terrible.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, I switched to just, like, drinking, like, polars and shit, but, like, it was so, like, the... I don't know. Like, I... Let's not get into this, but... Number eight, grinding teeth. I'm sorry, I called you disabled. But could you do a jumping jack?

Grinding teeth is gross. Number nine, choking. Sometimes I grind my teeth and I hear my teeth like crunch. It's pretty bad. I have so many cracked teeth just because I grind my teeth so much of my sleep. All my teeth are completely flat. Yeah. I told you guys I have a bunch of teeth falling out dreams about one specific tooth in my mouth.

You need to encase that thing in gold. Yeah, probably. That's the only way to save it. I'm really afraid that something's going to happen to it. I don't know why I keep having dreams about it. All right, well, I'm going to tell you right now, because you told me this, I'm going to do something. Don't do anything to my tooth. I'm going to do something to it.

That is like my worst nightmare. That tooth. I'm going to dress up. Because I keep having nightmares about it. I'm going to dress up like a tooth fairy ballerina. Don't do that. Seriously, don't do that. But if there's enough money that you're putting under my pillow, you can do that.

And if I look like enough of a slutty tooth fairy? The tooth fairy is not slutty. That's a... Are you kidding me? She's doing her job. That's a Halloween costume. I don't think I've ever seen a slutty tooth fairy? Well, yeah, because she's like hangs out with kids all the time.

Why would they do a slutty version of that? Well, they're slutty Santa. Well, Santa hangs out, I mean... Or sexy Santa. Santa's... Santa gives everyone fucking presents. No. Plus people do...

Plus people do slutty cats and they hang out with mice all the time, which is basically a baby. Good point. And they do... What is it? Slutty. never seen a slutty charlie brown what is that about i've seen that they have slutty charlie brown really yeah look it up that is funny where it's just like i think you know is charlie brown a slut is it's kind of it's kind of like is charlie brown is charlie brown he's a kid he's a damn four-year-old

you can't have sex he's a baby well i'm jerry seinfeld I'm slutty Are you telling me Charlie Brown is a slut And he's younger than me And he's younger than me Do you know how to make me Into a cartoon?

Did you ever read his Jerry Seinfeld's Halloween book He wrote a children's book About Halloween And I read that shit I took that out of the library So many times Because it took you so long to read it

Yeah Reading two pages at a time. I'm going to need to extend my borrow on this. Yeah. I miss the library, dude. I do, too. I spent so much time in the library as a kid.

I'm sure you wouldn't be able to guess that. But I loved riding my bike to the library and just hanging out there, dude, by myself. Yeah, and you print out pictures of, like, God, dude, I wouldn't even go on, I wouldn't even go on the computers. That's how, that's how fucked. Whoa. I would just sit there and read the books, dude. I was crazy.

I only went to the library to take out CDs as a kid. Yeah, that's sick that they had CDs. Yeah. They have movies there, too. They had VHS when I was growing up. When I found out the library had, like, music. Some have video games. Yeah, DVDs and shit.

They did have video games in the library in Watertown. The one, uh... Fucking crazy, man. Yeah. The beach library, they had quadruitingia. But I wasn't allowed to take them out, and also I didn't know in a video game console. You should be able to get, like, drugs from the library now. You should.

You have to return them, though. Yeah. It's still an American at the library. They should. That's actually, you know what? That's a great idea, actually. That's actually not a, that's actually not a, It's like a genius idea.

Yeah, but you still have to return it. Yeah, I know. I forgot about the return policy. Yeah. You have to return it, and if you return it, like, damaged or used, they, they, they, you get fined $10,000. I think I want it to be the first guy to get addicted to, uh... To Narcan. Yeah, to Narcan or to, um, credom methadone, like one of those, like, get off a heroin

things. Like, I think that is... I think I could do that. I, it feels like it has to be pretty good, right? Yeah. It's pretty easy to get addicted to anything. It is. Yeah. All you have to do is do it a bunch.

I had coffee today for the first time in weeks. Oh, really? I feel amazing. I drink two Yerba's. That's a lot. Yeah. I've been having, I've been cutting all caffeine. But then my doctor was like, your heart is slow.

So now I have to pump up my caffeine. I feel like. Your heart's too slow. Yeah. Yeah. I drank half a cup of coffee today. That is a womanly trait. Tired.

Well, that was just what was in the pot. And I didn't want to, like, make another. half cup like And that's a mail trade Yeah Being lazy Well that's there's no Why would I make half a cup worth

We'll just make four cups worth And then just have one cup And then you invite over three three friends And then they can all have a cup of coffee Yeah I should have done that Fuck Cracking joints

Yeah this is a bad list There's nothing interesting on here See if you can see it Abdominal slash bowel sounds sneezing, coughing, queffing. Come on. Some girls can really carry a tune.

Let me out of here. Another comment says, as if girls weren't loud and annoying enough. They're fucking queping all the time. Are you serious? First you're going to nag me about the dishes. Now you're going to do this? Collecting phlegm in your mouth is so gross.

I will say. That's what I mean, as somebody who's... You do that constantly. I have to. too much flim. That's literally, you do that every five minutes. Take a damn Zyrteg, brother. Maybe you've got to take mucinex.

Take a damn mucinix. Yeah, I do have mucinx. Number 21 is crying. Yeah, maybe that's it. That is it. Crying is annoying. Crying sucks, dude. If I see someone, I mean, I hate when people cry out, wait, wait, hold on number 23.

No, your back makes when laying on a wooden floor and making your body, you're laying naked on a wooden floor and making your body go up and down. I know that exactly. accent. I do know that sound. Yeah. It's like, it's like an armpit fart. Yeah, with your whole back. With the, like, arch of your back.

Uh-huh. It's pretty cool. Number 24's kissing. The comment is, especially grown-ups, repeatedly kissing babies over and over again. Ugh. Yeah, I mean, people kissing is not a good sound. No, it's gross.

It sucks. Yeah, the mouth is the most disgusting part in the body. Yeah. I mean, it's like, like, yeah. I think it might be the poopy butt. People kissing and saying, you know, when people like... What about a mouth touching a butt? That's, well, that's pretty gross.

Yeah, well, let's think of, I'm gonna throw up. What's the most disgusting sound with this new knowledge that we have that the human body could feasibly make? Probably, like, if you, if you, like, burped out your fart well, and your back was on the ground? What if every time you popped a pimple, it made, like, a... Well, it also has to be contextual, right? What about, like, this sound? That's something like that.

But, like, okay, so, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, vomiting, like you wouldn't know it was vomit hitting the water unless you saw the person vomiting. So maybe if you watch somebody eat a piece of shit and then afterwards they go, yum! That might be pretty disgusting. Yeah, that might be more like

twisted or like subversive. I would go it would be subversive. That person would be an artist. It's a very good point. It'd be Maria Abramovich. That should be her new next thing. just eat shit

and say yum the yum part's important that's where it's a subversion but right actually it's they do here's it's actually critiquing capitalism because she does red robin

yum and people would go oh my god she's a genius that is artistic okay bye bye