Podcast About List - Ep. 164 - The most beautiful and sentimental experience...

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

subscribe to the patreon at www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist and come see caleb and brandon wardell in boston on october 6

Come in, come in, come in, and me see your butt. All the counts for the ball list. Every crap monster. So which impractical joker did you... I was Patrick. I think I was a guest. I had a dream for... We kind of just jumped into this.

I had a dream. I was a part of the impractical jokers. Yep. And we were doing a Venmo-sponsored challenge. No way. And we had to fit the word Venmo as many times into a conversation. That I cannot imagine a more hilarious challenge.

Yeah. That's a good challenge. So I'll be, all right, pretend I'm a stranger, okay? Like, give me an example of the show. I don't remember. Come on, do it. I mean, you're already getting the concept.

Okay, so hey, hi, hi, welcome to Target. Can I pay you in Venmo? No, you're horrible. Okay, wait, let me pay it in Venmo. You're so bad at that. If it's hitting the maximum, okay, go, yeah, yeah. Hi, welcome to Target. Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo,

Benvo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo. Here's $100 million. I'd like to blowjob you, and I'd like to get married. No. Ben, no. That's the punishment on the show. Tonight's punishment. Sal has to get married and a $1 million blow job.

Yeah, Sal who hates sex. Yeah. Sal Volcano has to get a blow job. He's afraid of it. Oh, no, don't blow me. Guys, I don't want to do that. Guys, I don't want to get a blow job. I don't want to get a million dollar blowjob.

You know I hate blow jobs. Every single episode, the punishment's like, And you have to suck the entire writer's room's dicks. You know Casey Jost, Colin Jost's brother is like head writer of Impractical Jokers? Two superior comedy minds. Two beautiful wasp comedy brains that I've created the two greatest. What do you think their third brother's name is Charlemagne Jost? Crenthony.

Crenthony. Yeah, yeah. It could be Caleb. It could be me. You never know. Not you. Caleb Jost. I feel like I got a Jost thing going on.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Look at that eyebrow. Like that? Okay. You know? Yeah. Okay.

There is a camera in here. My mom said I had to go to bed because I was up too late. How about no, mom? Whoa. Like that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, wow. Pretty good.

Pretty good Jost there. I'm pretty much a... I'm in practical Joster, dude. I'm practically joester. when you think about it. True. I'm so close to Joester. Damn.

Yeah. They won't let me do it. I think they should... Do you think they have, like, impractical jokers, like, in other countries the way that they do the office? Definitely. Yeah? Yeah. Or, like, they have SNL in Mexico and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen the opening credits for SNL, SNL Quebec? No. Oh, man. The names in that are so good. Really? Yeah.

It's just, like, the most, like, Quebecwa names. Introducing Dolis St. Germain. Guillaume LaFlem. Poster Pofus. Gee, Le Gee. Duh. D-U-U-U-U-U-A-A-A-H-J. D-U-U-A-A-H-J.

Duh Pierre Escargo Isn't that That's an all No that's Keenan Thompson in the tub

And all that Philippe de Pooh That'd be a good Yeah We should start Essent Oh you just said it exists Fuck

Mm-hmm God damn Let me look up Because there's one name That was really fucking good Was it

Poupou Dubois It was Not Poupou de Bois But that is that is a really good name Crunch de Capitan Pierre

Pierre Luke Funk Pierre Yeah Like that guy already John Luke Claude Pierre Guillaume There's a thousand

First names Pierre Luke Funk Peter Luke Funk Peter Luke Funk Funke probably Funky probably Fonke Fon

Bieluc Fonk Fonk They only have They have one that's not Wait is it It's like It's S&L Quebec And they

It's not just S&L Canada No Dude Quebec is one of the Most fucked up places In the world man Yeah Can you imagine me There's a lot of people

In Quebec Born in Canada And you have to speak French Well there's a lot of people Who are like from Quebec Who like Didn't have parents That's from some other

From Canada French in school Well exactly You grow up Until you're like Five or six Just speak in English All of a sudden

you get to school, it's like you're, you're fucking France all of a sudden. You're going to get hit in the head so you know how to speak French. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a, it's a truly evil part of the world. Yeah. Every, I mean, every place should just be one language plus Spanish. That's how I feel. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. It should be the main language and then they also speak Spanish there. Yeah. Because it's fun to speak Spanish. I don't know why. As a kid, I thought that they spoke French in Canada because it was colder up there. like France Yeah

Cold like France I don't know why I thought That was the reason And then I learned About freaking colonialism Oh wait It was Yeah I'm going there

I'm fucking going there Wait you learned Do you have anything else About the thought process there About what you mean It was cold So they spoke French I let's not get into it

I kind of know what you mean Okay Caleb kind of knows what I mean So you're the odd duck out I guess I'm the weirdo here You're the idiot It's two verse one Stupid What's like to be stupid

and developmentally... What's it like to have a poop for a brain? What's like to have a piece of turd? I didn't think about it before. It's normal. It would be adorable. It would be adorable to have a little Hershey kiss for a brain. Yeah.

A little Hershey kiss. I think you might. I think I do. I think you might have a little bit of poop in your brain. I think I, my brain is a piece of chewed gum. Really? Mm-hmm. Like a rennin stimpy gag kind of.

Yes. Getting caught up in the spokes of the... You put your, the, what's that thing called? thumb no the ear viewer ear viewer at the doctor oh yeah the ear viewer

yeah I don't know yeah I immediately you're you're because that's how you hold it he has a light he's the stupid one oh my god what you're talking about

damn they put a light vindicated I'm finally vindicated have you never been to the doctor didn't even say ear though he just looked at me what said what's that

he held it up to his ear I did that I did that oh my god God, dude, Cameron. I'm Alpha in camera right now. Finally, I'm the Alpha. Wait, I bet he won't get this.

You don't even know what Alpha means. Yeah, it's the one before beta. Amaran K is Uppid's Day. I thought we were done with the French name stuff. That's all it is. Eden Ka-Omsen-Tor. I hate those pig Latin, motherfucking pieces of shit French. Oh, my God.

Do you think the Quebecois don't fuck with the French like that? I think so. You think they got their own thing going on? I think neither of them fuck with each other. You think it's like circle small kind of thing? Yeah, all right. I mean, we were just on Bottlement. Look out for that.

We were just on that. And I think now, as many times as we've been on it, we can say whatever we want about Canada. I agree. Yeah. They're from Quebec, right? No. No? I don't know. I have no idea. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know anything about Canada. But then Riley's also like in the UK for some reason. Riley said he's from Niagara. That's Canada. Yeah. Well, yeah. Riley could be lying. He could be from the New York side. It could be from the New York side. It could be from the water side too. That boy, but he ever... No, she belonged to the seat. Nah, man. You don't want no part of her. She belonged to the... That's Poseidon's girl. You stay away from her. You ever been to the...

I went to Niagara Falls on the New York side because I don't have a passport. Yeah. And... When you get a passports? Yeah, I mean, I want to get a passport. I just want to at least go to... How about this?

Matching outfit passports. Uh-huh. You know, I already have a passport. Sorry. Well, can you get it redone, you idiot? Why don't you guys just wear the same outfit I'm wearing in my passport? What do you have on? I don't know.

I don't remember. Well, I'll probably like a dress. Yours is from like years ago, right? Probably like three years ago. Three years, okay. I don't know. Yeah, probably like a dress or a tutu. Yeah.

So I guess we... You wouldn't be able to see a tutu in the passport photo. I wouldn't know. I never got it. I assumed it was a full body thing. And it gave you all your stats, too. I thought I said your strength, your intelligence, your charisma and shit. And also, I thought you could rotate yourself.

And maybe if you're lucky, you can move the camera and look up your own dress. Your own dress. They should, okay, okay, they should just make all passports digital at this point. Okay. And you can do that. And it's a full-body 3D scan. That's what I'm saying. They should scan your brain, give you different stats that you have, scan your muscles and your fibers as well, maybe it's your bones, and see what kind of shit you're doing with.

And you should be able to change your appearance with sliders and give yourself big pointy cheeks. But you have to spend special coins. You have to spend a bunch of money to become a lizard, but only in your paper. Passport. Yeah. Like, you can't change your real... Well, that you can change your passport. Yeah.

Yeah. Or you can become a big moji. Just like an IMVU style passport. Yeah. That'd be great. It's not a bad idea. No. You see?

I'm on the top of my game today. I don't know what... I think it was because I ate some pretzel M&Ms before. I think I've really... Was it that Caleb's idea, though? What? Eating pretzel Eminemps? No, with the passport thing?

What? Fucking stealing my idea, dude. You're on the top of your game? I'm on the top of my game. I'm back in my invention swag into my slot and my slot. Run the shit back. Caleb was the one said that he said

you should be able to rotate yourself and stuff. Well, I said we should have the digital. I think me and Caleb collaborated on this. I'm fine to split at 50-50

all the money. Yeah. When all the different countries invest, except Quebec, which can't invest in our new idea. That's right.

It's also not valid in Quebec. You've got to use a regular passport. That's right. Yeah, you got to use probably like, I don't know,

a piece of paper. A dog turd in your hand with your name on it. Fucking stupid-ass part of one country. I'm sure. I'm sure I go to Quebec. I love it. I think we need to start making...

You sure? I'm sure I'm going to go up there and be like, I regret all the things I just said. You know what? We already took down Hawaii a couple weeks ago, which everyone loved it, by the way. Everyone loved it. I think I'm still on the side of Hawaii.

We should be doing this every week. Drop that motherfucking beat. Let's take down Quebec. All right. Here we go. Mois, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Yo, Quebec, I got something to say to you. Come over here. which you goofy ass what do you got straight lines on your borders true that's right that's right yep what's that

you can grind them what are you a skateboarder Quebec what's up man y'all got yeah what you guys have what you guys have the Eiffel Tower yeah you don't how that make any sense you don't have you don't even have an Eiffel Tower what what do you guys what the city of Paris is there yeah what y'all got you got a beautiful countryside with mad wine and shit You got amazing As if Amazing cuisine Fuck you

Fuck you Guys I think we're doing France Yeah I think we're doing France What's in Quebec Um Eiffel Tower I think I got a Y'all got a second Eiffel Tower

And it's red Nah That don't make no sense And it's smaller And it's a small Ifal tower Like the one in Las Vegas What

And it's even smaller Than the one in Las Vegas I think I think it's the size of a key chain Eiffel Tower. And you guys worship it, like Mecca. Yeah.

And I ain't talking about the Godzilla, though? With. Mecca Godzilla, though you meant Mecca Eiffel Tower. That's scary. Why are you not an Eiffel Tower Kaiju? That'd be an Eiffel Tower. It's like a spider. It climbs out of the ground?

Yeah. Dude, what the fuck I'm so smart. That would be cool. They should do one that's just all the statues and big shit in the world fighting each other. They have one with statue. With one statue? They have one with a statue. They have three movies with the same statue.

The Statue of Liberty fights Godzilla? No, it's a Japanese statue. Oh. I'm trying to see the Wall Street Bull fight that little girl. Mm-hmm. That would be cool. Take her out. Yeah.

I'm sick of her, man. What the fuck is she doing? The bull finally, she's trying to stop the bull. She can't stop a bull. Here's my problem with her. She's a little baby. 60 years old that statue. Grow up.

The girl or the bull? The girl. That's a 60-year-old. Grow up. I thought it was just. put there. I thought that was new. Nope. 60 years old. What? Grow up, I say. Get older. Why are you stuck in time?

Grow up, man. And to that bull? Kudos on the balls, my friend. I put those balls in my face when I went. I've not seen the Wall Street bull. I've never actually been down to Wall Street. What? I thought I took you there. No, you didn't take me to Wall Street. Oh, I went with, I went with, with Jubio and Noah, and yeah, there was a guy, there's a guy taking a shit on the ground right next to it, and then he he shit into his blanket that he was using and then just kept rocking the blanket, dude.

I was like, that is an advanced cocoon move that my friend has just invented. I guess it deters. And then I put the balls on my face. I guess it deters people from stealing his blanket. Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay, here's, if you can't afford like ADT or Brinks or any of these home security companies, take a doo-do on your own? Put poop on your stuff. Yeah. I have touching that. And I'm a criminal.

You can just put poop on the doorknob. put poop on your doorknob. I'm not going to do anything. Or also, like, take a shit in the, like, the underside of your car door handle. So that when people, like, you know, they walk down the street, just lift in every handle. They hit one doo-doo on their hand. Yeah. Although that might be, they might go for a revenge.

Yeah, they might just break your window at that point. Yeah. Yeah. Well, get this. In between the two panes of glass in your window. More dokey. Lots of poop. Okay.

Yeah. Plus, fill your car with dukey. And all the crap in it. It also has dokey on it. That's right. If you don't have the time to do a dokey, just a titsy roll will do. Here's another difference. Here's another trick.

If you're worried that your stuff's going to get ruined from putting poop on it, you take your stuff out of your house, you put it in a different house, and you just have one house that's filled with poop that you live in. People are going to try to rob that house because you live there. Yeah. Turns out all the furniture's made a poop. Everything's made a poop. It's sculpted.

They walk in, they say... They say, it smells crazy in here. Yeah, exactly. And you say, oh, that's just my... scented candle. I hope you don't pick up anything. Yeah. I'm going to go slip into something a little more comfortable. You spend an hour while they pick up all the stuff. You come out

and poop lingerie, right? They start fucking you. Yeah, they fall in love. You fall in love. You fall in love with a robber. Then you mold him to your beautiful perfection like the skin I'm in. The twist is he's also

I'm also made out of poop. Yeah. We're so good at writing movies and shit. Oh my God. Oh my God. We have a beautiful minds. What would that movie be called? The movie would be called the Duky. The Duky, the Duky, the Time Traveler's Duky. That's good.

That's actually good, man. Yeah. Yeah. The scent of a woman, too. What about poop house? Poop House might be good. Could that be, could it be like the scent of a woman, colon poop house? How about scat midnight?

And it could say colon, too. Yeah. It's not bad. It's not bad at all. Colin poop house. Colin Poop House You're involved in the Iraq War That's actually

Colin Poop House Is actually a cast member On the British SNL Oh really? It's a hyphenated last name Colen Poup house I think they did They had an S&L in England

I think it was called Just Saturdays They don't have night over there Yeah Darcy Fartington Crumpus Immie Shit.

Joe Pooh. You know, British names like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, but Quebec really needs to... Honestly, I'm fine with them. I love Quebec. I'm literally fine with them. They need to clean up their hands.

My problem is, they got to get real at some point. Yeah, I mean, pick a lane, too. Yeah. Are you fucking American or are you a French? Are you a frog-freek? Are you a frog-eaten fucker? Yeah. That's a question. Yeah.

What are you fucking... Are you going to... sess burgies with your boys down in down in the beautiful USA or are you going to eat a plate of armpit hair like spaghetti Yeah yeah yeah say sash burgies Sess some burghies oh okay I thought you said burnies and I was like is that would like are you saying like smoke weed or No dude what kind of that's illegal yeah no burghies I think it's legal in Canada You can buy uh that's just another reason why Quebec is fucking sucks a bunch of a

stoner pedophiles undercover as Canadians I've fucking dog shit-ass province. I hate provinces. I'm going to be real with y'all. But states, though, states go crazy. States go crazy. States kind of smash.

Yeah. No way. No way, Jose. You want me to get to a province. Give me out of this damn province. That's what I'd be saying when I'm in one. Yeah.

I don't need this. I'm not trying to be provincial. This is not what Sir John A. McDonald had in mind. What am I, king in a castle? Am I going to be in a province? It is a war at up,

king in the castle? No. They should bring back like baronies. And, like, fiefdoms and stuff. A fiefdom? I might be good with a fiefdom. How long was Canada territory of England?

Probably, like, a thousand hundred years. Didn't it, like, stop being a territory of England, like, pretty recently? I feel like there's some... They still got mad respect for the queen. Yeah, aren't they, like, kind of loyal... Like, there's some loyalists in Canada or some shit? I don't really know what their deal is. Uh-huh.

It seems very confusing. They have a parliament, I learned. They have a chip made out of ketchup. Which is like the second most confusing part about it. Yeah. They have a prime minister. They have a premier. Uh-huh.

What's that, man? Yeah, what? What a prime minister? What is this? Transformers. Yeah. A premiere, what is this? Transformers?

I'm going to see the premiere of it. You know, that's how I feel, right? Yeah, they got, what? They have fire trucks there? What is this? What is this fucking transformers, dude? What is this going to transform into a fire truck? Yeah.

That's how I'm feeling. That's the name of the fire truck They got frogs there Was this Beast Wars? Yeah, that's right I got a fucking That's right Paying attention to these frogs

Trying to wait for them to turn into some kind of automobile How does that make any sense man? Quebec's got me walking around and going crazy Because this doesn't make any sense Dude, it's fucking Jacob's ladder

Yeah Why don't you transform Into a better country? All of a sudden You finally see a McDonald's Right? I bet the whole I bet the Quebec

Club at McDonald's goes crazy Well you walk into McDonald's You're like I bet this is probably probably this is a little taste of home I'm going to feel normal walking into here you walk in you walk in

you know what they're fucking you see the clowns say that doesn't make any sense he looks a little different the clown does right nameplate rinaldo and he's a mime

and he's a fucking mime piece of shit all black and white you go up there and you you try to order a burger they say we don't have that there we don't have that here we don't eat beef in our country you say what do you have

they say it's called a royale with cheese here. Oh, my God. It doesn't make any sense, right? What is this? Yeah, they got a damn, they got a panier sandwich. Yeah.

I wish I was panere some fucking beef right now. I'll tell you that much, because this shit is dumb. I do want to eat the McDonald's, the McPoneer so bad. You want to eat the McPenere? I'm going to steamroll the bit to just say that if someone wants to send me

the McPaneer in the mail, if we have any Indian listeners. That would get cold, you fucking doofus? I'll reheat it. In what? Okay, send me the ingredients of the McPeneer. assemble it at home that doesn't you're just going to suck no it's not it's got to be hot they should have they should have they should have a mcdonald's exchange program where like they

like switch oh my god like the foreign ones come here holy shit that is so smart that would be so literally all fucking 50 employees yeah the building you yeah everything they literally the entire thing take it up with a crane with everybody still in it plumbing falling out of the bottom customers who are still eating like that's the up house the And then you just put it on a shipping container, you fucking send it over here. And then it's essentially an embassy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's foreign soil. Uh-huh.

Yeah. That's where the customers are. Yeah, they get to live there in McDonald's. Mm-hmm. I mean, one with the play place, preferably. That is so smart, dude. Uh-huh. They did, they do, they do that sometimes where they'll put, like, menu items from, like, remember, like, 20.

Yeah, but I'm talking about the menu. 18. I know, I know, I'm just saying, I want to see what the Chinese Ronald McDonald's Donald's statue on the bench looks like. That's right. Good point. He's probably sitting silently. He's not so fucking uppity like the American one.

That's right. He's probably a little more respectful. You know, that's what I would say. I would hope so, at least. You know? I don't think, they don't have, they have China McDonald's? Yeah. In China?

They got China McDonald's. Not Hong Kong. China? Yeah. Straight up Chinese McDonald's. I think they have it. I don't know about that. I know that they have.

KFC over there. Oh, really? In Beijing, I think. That sounds pretty fucking good, actually. Because my high school band went to the Beijing, the Olympics in Beijing. They must be pretty talented. I guess. Yeah, I guess you could say that.

It must have been the fastest band in the world. They were so fast at marching. But yeah, they went to China and like all of them. them came back and we're just like yeah we tried McDonald's over there like they were all nervous to like eat like Chinese food really they didn't want to eat Chinese food I don't remember

what? You don't remember now? That's the worst that's the best setup I've ever heard for a story no it's just and the worst ending of all time like kids would come over I heard all these stories secondhand because I was in like fucking sixth grade I didn't really know anyone in the high school so like my cousin's friends were saying like oh like the menus

are different over there You guys heard Joe talk about his trip to China? No. Where he went to a, like, he went on a school trip, yeah, he went on a school trip to China and went to a school and arm wrestled the entire school. What? All the kids were like, because he's big, he's like fucking huge. Oh, yeah.

We want to arm wrestle you and just arm wrestled everybody in the school. Why? I don't know, dude. What? Yeah, because Joe's like six, five, something like that. Yeah. Which he was just like. How tall?

What age was he? He was probably, I think he was like, he was like, 23. He was 15. He was 23. He went to a middle school and was just like, hey, guys, I'm going to arm us. That's just so sick, dude. Just walking. I mean, you've got to feel, you have, you, he's literally, he dominated a province of China.

Yeah. Isn't it? It's crazy that, like, I mean, I've heard stories of, like, black people going to China and then just getting photos taken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

My, my, my mom. Did that happen to Joe, too? uh maybe i don't know my mom was i gotta ask him but he's not i think he's coming home today he's he's been out he hasn't been home for like three days okay okay my mom uh lived in japan for a year and she said that sometimes like little japanese children would see her and start crying because they were scared because they saw a white person yeah yeah it's because she's white yeah that's why yeah your mom has big sharp teeth though yeah yeah like it looks like angler fish.

Red demon eyes. Yeah. I saw a dog that looked exactly like an angler fish two days ago. Really? Literally. At the aquarium?

Yeah. Yeah. It was in water. They had to keep the dog alive. He was in water. He's in a blue room. Like an idiot. Why would a dog be underwater?

It was a bulldog that his face was completely just like on top of his head. Yeah. He was like final evolution. Just like you can't push. He was reaching the boundaries. of the dog physiognomy.

You could not do anything else to this dog. Yeah, he was like, he was like, like the complexity hit maximum in sport.

Exactly. Yeah, he looked exactly like an angler fish. He could, he was rolling his eyes like, like,

he had to look down his eyes, his like pupils are at the very bottom of his, of his like, eyelid the entire time because that's the only way

he could see in front of him. Yeah. Because his eyes were just like, if you didn't do that, who'd just be looking directly at the sun all day Bulldogs and like pugs Like when they get real old They always look like they're like on the brink of death

They are Yeah And they're abominations And God punishes them by making them live so long Yeah Like a lab A lab will live like nine years And then die because of a firework

A fucking bulldog Will just live until like Nothing wants to kill it Because like why would you want to eat that thing? That's why they're so prone to dangerous things Like skateboarding Yeah, exactly, yeah, because they feel invincible. But, like, a doxin, doxin is a delicious bird food.

Like, you know what I mean? They get picked up all the time. Oh, yeah, by a hawk? Can you imagine a pit bull or not a pipple, a fucking... A pit bull getting picked up by a hawk, I would love to see. That would be really scary, actually. Yeah. Because imagine that tag team.

A bulldog or a pug, I'm not touching that. Exactly, yeah, it's like if you're, like, going to a farm to, like, pick out which, like, chicken you want to eat or something. And you see there's, like, a normal chicken, and there's one that's just, like, upside down. Yeah, one that is walking on its beak. I'm not going to eat the mutant one, no. Yeah, can you imagine what a hawk fucking thinks when they see a bulldog? They're like, that's a rock.

Yeah, that is not a living thing. Why is this a stone walking? Yeah, why is this, this is a, this is a, this is a, this is a golem. This is not, I don't want anything to do with that. Also, I couldn't pick them up. Yeah. Too hefty. But imagine a hawk picking up a pit bull and then it like swoops down because it wants

to eat like your fucking ice cream cone or something, but it starts the pit bull in its hand. So it drops the pit bull in its hand. So it drops the pit bull and it drops. front of you. Pit bull gets scared, starts fucking biting your leg or whatever, and then the hawk starts attacking you because it wants your ice cream. Wow. This, we could harness this power.

It's a real battle of the Titans. And send this shit over to fucking fight ISIS. What do you think that, did they breed, was a bulldog? They had like a normal dog, and then they made it fuck like a cannonball. This is going to be

the best dog ever. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucked up dog. That was, I mean, pit bulls, or bulldogs were originally bred to... None of us can say the word bulldog without saying pit bull first. Yeah, I don't know why that is. Timples just have big ass heads. Yeah. The wider a pit bull's head is, the more...

Scary it is. No, the kinder they are. No. In my experience, pit bulls that have, like, like, dinosaur heads. Like, there's pit bulls that have, like, alligator head-sized heads. Yeah, dude. That's a good dog. I mean, have you ever tried to.

make a pit bull bite you oh yeah dude that's the thing a pit bull I try I go to the park I start poking them with sticks and then I get to bite me and I say ow

oh what a dangerous breed Pipples really want to fight their image you know they try to be really that's why they attack me but meanwhile me I walk around bedstike covered in barbecue sauce all day

trying to get one to get me dude I'm getting one of those brown stones out of it one day yeah I'm gonna sue this shit you're gonna name your pit bull.

Brownstone? Yeah. Yeah. My pit bull, his name is Brownstone. Not a bad idea. Yeah.

All right. Today's list is on the top tens. Is the most beautiful things to look at by Roger McBaloney. Whoa. That's a familiar name. I've heard that before. Really? Yeah, it's my dentist's name.

Number one here is sunsets. True. That's pretty beautiful. When the sunsets and it starts to get Dark, you usually get this beautiful color of red, vibrant orange, pink, and blues in the sky with the sun coming down. Simply just wonderful. The sun may rise on the east at least it settles in a fine location.

Whoa. Did you just write that? The sun may rise in the east at least it settles in a fine location. Do you write this? Did you write, you wrote it again? You wrote, wow. Understood that Hollywood is something can fornication. Something can fornication.

I think we got a hit. I think this could be big. How about New York fornication? New York rest in peace. There's tons of streets and a tons of cars. It's New York fornication. Time Square is the biggest place here, but you know that it is so small. There's a bunch of people in the place, and you know the buildings are so tall.

It's understood that Hollywood is New York fornication. We need to do the New York red hot chili peppers So East Coast chilies do The blue cold Normal peppers No not peppers The blue cold normal Chop cheese

No it's got to be a vegetable Okay Then the onions The New York cold normal onions Yeah we could do so many fucking Fucking good songs dude That would be good Yeah yeah

Keep it all Keep it all now We can do that Yeah Whatever over the bridge like and it would be about the Brooklyn Bridge I want to be like I was that day

yeah dude just do the East Coast version of all the songs it said it's at Danny California Tony New York yeah with the name like Tony New York what about blow my hug

and say damn that's pretty good could be good right yeah that's not that's not that all the problem is do we do the higher ground cover is it because it's a cover Lower sky?

Yeah, but do we do we do that, or do we just do higher ground? I, for one, love to disrespect the blind. So we could do that in lower sky, lower sky, yeah. People keep on living. Animals keep on living. The moon keeps on staying still. And it's going to be real short. Yeah.

It's pretty smart, actually. It's actually a clever. Cerebral kind of thing, you know. I'm walking with my worst enemies. I honestly, I don't know any... I know like the hits of the Red Hot Chili Puppers. I don't know very much you there. You're going to carry the rest of this.

I'm walking with my two worst enemies. We don't have anything and we're going to freeze. That's the road tripping song. Okay. You guys, trust me, you guys say in my car long enough, you'll be pretty familiar with that one. Yeah. road dripping with my two favorite allies wait it's kind of a song about us

whoa okay wow the next line we're fully loaded we got snacks and supplies whoa tell me that doesn't sound like that's amazing is that like kind of eerie and creepy at some point right wait when was that written 2001 maybe wow oh my god it's kind of like prophetic yeah it's kind of crazy what would you call it I don't call it pathetic Prophetic Not pathetic It's cool A song written about us

Okay Number two Most beautiful thing to look at Is the stars Okay Yeah no guys I'm crazy I'm actually moved to tears already

Just thinking about it I'm actually crazy about like dots Yeah Yeah yeah that's like my favorite Dots the candy Yeah Totally Actually low key

Dots Dots pretty good Are dots the ones that are on paper or are they the ones that are like gum drops? Dots are the ones that look like a pregnant woman's nipple thing. You know what I mean? When they get really long and fucked up. Yeah. What is that, dude?

It's so the baby can touch it. Put those away. I don't want to see that. How many, you don't see you? How often are you seeing that? Huh? How often are you seeing that? Only probably every day at this point.

Why? I'm fucking... In what situation? Are you on the subreddit again? No, I'm not on the subreddit, dude. I just fucking... There's a non-R-slice. My favorite... All right, my favorite sandwich place is also a maternity ward is right next to it. Okay.

So sometimes I go in and I'm trying to eat and I, you know, I'm always getting pulled pork, you know? Yeah, then you go home and pull your damn pork because you think about the damn maternity war. I don't want to see them, those nipples, dude. Your fucking nipples look like earplugs, bitch. Get that shit away from me. Yeah, dots kind of dots look like earplug. Well, dots are in between a candy corn and an earplug. They look kind of like gum drops, right?

I don't like those waxy ass candies. Wax bottles? I mean the liquid in the wax bottle, but then it's like, now I just have trash. Here's a question. Why don't they just sell the liquid? Sell me the liquid. What are you doing? Hey, here's an idea.

Some of the liquid? Carbonate it. Maybe I had a little water. Maybe you could, yeah, just sell them separately. Some people like the wax more. They can just buy the wax. A big block of wax. That would be really good for some people.

You guys ever eat wax lips? I never ate them, but I thought you were supposed to eat them when I was a kid. I'm sure you did. I mean, they don't tell, when you get that in your Halloween basket, they don't tell you that it's not candy. Right, but if you got something in your Halloween basket that was called, like, plastic ball, would you eat that? Well, they have a fucking... I used to eat the toothpaste.

They have candies that are called, like, I thought it was like a sour, fucking squirt. You're not supposed to eat snow. You can eat snow. No. You don't eat snow? You can eat snow. They have a candy called a time. They have a candy called crows.

You can stick out your tongue. to eat a crow? I've never heard of that candy. Crows? They have a candy called up. They're like their dots, but they're black licorice. They have a candy called the Three Musketeers. Oh, no. Why are they called crows?

Yeah. Oh, God. It's scary. Yeah. I'm saying is if it has the word wax in it, you should know not to eat it. I thought it was like a euphabism. Also, you said you ate it, right? Well, cotton candy.

Yep. Says candy. It says candy, but if it was just called cotton. Then you, it wouldn't be the same thing, though. But it's clearly not made of cotton. Because cotton is made of cotton. Cotton is already cotton. Yeah.

There's one candy that I'm thinking of. What is it? It's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't think of it. You're probably going to say, oh, candy corn, you're not supposed to eat corn. No. That's probably what you're about to say. I eat a lot of corn. You don't eat a lot of corn.

I eat so much fucking corn. Shut up. You thought corn was made of wax. If you ate corn, you'd be a foot taller. I, what are you talking about? Corn is it? There's pictures of me. There's a baby photo of me eating corn the long way.

my mom my mom put that in the yearbook well that's a that was a stage photograph no it was it was a moon landing situation you think my mom photoshopped a corn in yeah dude i think stanley kubrick did it gave you a fake corn something like that yeah if you ate corn you have the you have the broad shoulders of a corn fed boy who is deprived of his god god i think god given corn i've eaten so much corn in my life you needed more you needed a lot more corn Less wax, less wax, too. I like eating wax.

You would have been a movie star. You like eating wax? I like eating it. Okay, this is my point. Okay. If you didn't realize that it was, if you started, you ate it, within one bite, you should know that that is not candy. And you said you ate it.

I didn't eat the whole thing. Okay, all right. So you took a bite of it. You swallowed, though. Yeah. That's fine. I used to take a bite of my shirt. What?

It doesn't make me weird. Yeah, you used to eat my shirt. I used to chew on my shirt, too. I used to eat my shirt, too. I never chewed on my shirt. Sometimes it would fall off and I eat my shirt. Your shirt would fall off so you would eat it. Oh, shit, that my shirt fell off.

I better start eating it. I always wear long sleeve shirts and I just chew on them things all day. Oh, you chew a hole into the sleeve and put your thumb in. No, no, I would chew it because I like the taste of my own sweat. Oh, you fucking freak. And then we'd then get this. When pieces of the shirt would tear off, eat them. Yeah.

You guys ever think of PICA? No. I thought I had PICA. Yeah? You thought you had PICA. I was eating my fucking shirt every day. No, because I would eat corn. You didn't eat corn.

Corn is a perfectly edible thing, you fucking moron. I think I have PICA. Somebody puts a plate down in front of me. I got to eat every damn thing on it. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. No, I did have a...

I used to eat something that was weird. Really? Do you, please, pray tell. What is it? Fish? Fish? I bet you ate gum. Did you eat gum?

I would swallow gum, yeah. I'd eat my toenails, too. Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah. That's disgusting. No, it was awesome. That's so gross. It was so cool.

It was the same texture as a popcorn kernel. It was, yeah, dude. It's crunchy. Eating a popcorn kernel? And my mom said, you're going to get a worm from that. You are going to get a worm from that. I'd still do it if I could reach. Slice open your, your esophagus on the way.

I can eat reach or toe. I got to slice it up in my sock. I eat so much fucking... No, don't eat my toenails. Those are mine. I'm hungry for them. But I used to eat my toenails and my mom hit me on the head and said,

you're going to get a worm. Yeah. Yeah. Corporal punishment works. What else did you eat? You ate coins, too. Yeah. Did you eat dust?

No. I think sometimes a mustache hair will fall off into my mouth and instead of spitting it out, I just swallow it. Sometimes it's easier to swallow something that falls into your mouth. Yeah, if it's not nasty?

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's pretty okay. That's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, yeah. If something ends up in your mouth, you know, so be it. I knew, I knew, I knew a kid who ate the dead skin off his hands. Yeah. Yeah, he would, he would, like, swam all the time and they get these, like, real wrinkly hands and rub them a bunch.

You get a bunch of dead skin, eat the skin off it. And then his mom was like, my son's a genius. And he got put in all these, like, accelerated programs and shit. Yeah, they're trying to. Accelerated his life, so it would be over sooner. Yeah, so he kills himself earlier. A freak. Yeah.

If someone's put into like accelerated classes, usually they got some, some weird quirk. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I knew this kid. There was this kid who's like a rolling backpack or something. Dude, there was this,

there was these two Ethiopian kids in my school who were like always talking mad shit about me because I wasn't Ethiopian. They were like, not even I was white. They were just like, you, like, if you're not Ethiopian, you're gay. That was the first of many times I experienced racism.

Yeah. Yeah. But those kids skipped, like, 10 grades because they came from Ethiopia, and I guess Ethiopia has, like, the best schools in the world or some shit. Wow. And they were, like, this, I was in, like, fifth grade. These kids were, like, seven. Yeah.

And they were, like, so much smarter than me. Yeah. They were dominating me, and then letting me know that it was because I was not for Ethiopia. Yeah, I got dominated by two Ethiopians in fifth grade. That's what happened All right It's crazy, dude Number three, full moon at night

I wish I was a wolf So I can howl at the full moon at night time With the beautiful stars and cool dark blue sky That would be amazing Do you guys wish that? I wish I was a werewolf Just if I could scratch that damage behind my ear You can't reach?

Would you use your leg? Well, I want to use my leg Can you imagine though If you were a were a werewolf you'd have almost you'd have an infinite amount of itches all the time that's true covered in fucking hair you have tufts you don't have tufts right now here's a really insightful comment from oliver sky um that's kind of about what you're talking about wherewolf a two in turn will you butt wow

it took the words out of my damn mouth wherewolf it's all each the word is capitalized too did you get did you see that guy's name is He's all over sky? Oliver Sky. Oh. Oh, it's a pun. All over the sky. Yeah, 27 years old.

You ever seen a Lykoi cat? No, I don't know what that is. That's a cat that looks like a werewolf. How do you spell it? L-Y-K-O-I. Let's see here. I'll be the judge of this. This doesn't really look that much like a werewolf.

That looks like a werewolf. It looks like a werewolf. It looks like a werewolf. It looks like a weird wolf. It looks more like a beast. To me. Yeah, it's like a beast cat. I'm thinking maybe

maybe I get an army of them. Have you guys seen Werewolf? How many is an animal that looks like a werewolf? Whoa. Look at this. A vampire bit of werewolf.

Do you guys believe in werewolves? I hope they're not real, but I don't want to rule it out. I feel like, okay, so I like cryptids and shit, and I generally think that they don't exist, but I feel like one of them has to be real. The one I have my money on,

the monster that I think is real is I think water monsters are real. Me too, yeah, yeah, that's the one. It's like anything that anyone has seen in a water, any, like the crackin, like that has to be real, right? Just a generic water monster, though. There's too much water. I think that...

Cthuloo could be real? Who? Cthuloo. What? Can you speak up? Cucumo? Cthuloo could be real. Who?

Cthuloo. Who? Cthuloo. Who? Who? Who is like from Southwark? Oh. Oh, true.

with the yeah yeah yeah yeah the one who dies all the time yeah yeah could be real could be real but yeah i i'm with you like any big monster in the water not big or even like the smallest no it's actually small it's the smallest one well also like there's so many things like like the giant squids they find i'm like if i saw that 200 years ago and not like it was alive i would think it was a monster well i literally i spend most of my free time nowadays i watch dark and crocodile videos i've been doing that for like a few months now um and some of those sharks, those are just straight up water monsters. Dude, there's a, that's a 600-year-old

fucking shark. Yeah, the Greenland Sharks. So there's some deep sea sharks where their eyes literally look like a cartoon character's eyes. Really? Like I was watching this footage of like these people in a You look so scared. It's a lost my train of thought. Tune World is real. It looks like Judge

Doom. What? Yeah. You can't tell me that there's tunes in your life. There's this footage of like people in like a submarine like in the deep sea and they're like like filming and like this like this shark comes over and it's like like poking around and then its eye like opens and it literally looks it looks like a like a Calvin and Hobbs eye or something like it's like just a perfect like circle with a dot in it yeah that would scare me a lot so the shark shouldn't have an eye like that

it's supposed to be black like you know it would scare me a lot also this is like a similar story yeah if uh if you were like i was saying about this if you were like uh swimming down to the bottom the ocean and then you hit the ocean floor and you're like well here's the ocean floor yeah there it is and then you're on a giant eye and it opens yeah well that's also pretty scary that is pretty scary what would you even do probably poke the eye yeah poke the eye and make it flip it off then poke it with the middle finger probably wouldn't be able to see me actually if it was if the whole ocean floor is an eye like if a speck of dust was on my eye like right here right now I probably would bear it's not really able to see it very well what if the world was a

an egg yeah yeah what if and we're all sitting on it yeah hey don't worry about it buddy the world's just an egg and we're all sitting on it i think shakespeare said that shakespeare did yeah shakespeare and bill hicks but i think he was quoting shakespeare i think shakespeare was bill hicks yeah yeah whoa yeah number four aurora borealis yeah i don't care ugly i mean don't get me started on Alaska. I had a... Earlier today, I had a...

Hororable bowelialis out of my... I had a fucked up shit. Yeah? Yeah. Looked like all the colors. That's because I was drinking beer last night. Yeah?

I was drinking a bunch of colors. I can't drink beer anymore. I broke into a Baskin-Robbins' Dunkin' Donuts mix, just started eating all the cake die. Oh, this is what we're talking about. Number five, the ocean. This is what we're talking about. Here's the top comment.

sound of this markiplier would freak out if he saw some pictures of the ocean. He hates it. Watch and play Subnautica, drowning simulator, and raft if you want to know why. Drowning simul-that's a game? Oh my God. These games are going too far now.

Drowning simulator? Why would you ever want to simulate drowning? That's like drowning, drowning and getting crushed. We all know, like, no Russian great fucking level of modern warfare. But if my kid walks up to the GameStop counter when I'm bringing him there, and he's trying to buy drowning simulator.

No way. I'm calling, I'm calling, I'm calling CPS on myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did something very wrong. horribly. This kid must have some kind of diet issue that is causing him to be weird. He's eating, the 5G has made my son weird. I've been feeding my kid ginseng and creatine every single day since he was one years old.

Yeah. And now he's not even strong yet. He's not strong, and he's way too weird about drowning. Yeah. Yeah, I'd get, I get, freaked out it's not it doesn't sound like a fun game either no what do you do press what you can't even win yeah you lose yeah do you win when you drown well maybe you lose when you drown but you win if you don't um it's not much of a drowning simulator i saw dude i saw this thing the other day it's like

uh some article about uh virtual reality because you know i'm into that other worlds and stuff like um it's pretty much my thing to exploring the planes of yeah pretty much the different planes and realities, and this guy has been for like 20 years doing this, this therapy for people with arachnophobia where they put on a virtual reality headset and they're in a room and there is just like a giant spider. And I just got, I like was scrolling through like every link that they linked to see if I could just find a video of the person just like, freaking out. Yeah, just like, because the guy, the whole thing is the guy's like, yeah, we don't

tell them what's going to happen. So we like lock this VR headset on them and then they just are in a room with like the biggest spider in the world. I thought I was so cool, dude. I just wanted, I would do anything to see that. Yeah. Just pretending to be like severely arachnophobic.

Yeah. And then just like going in, just seeing the spider and just immediately just being like, whoa. That's it. That's the only reaction. I'll take any excuse to piss my pants. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Any, any, because that one's justified, right? That's why I love theme parks. We gotta go to Canterby. Yeah. We gotta go. We just might soon. Number six is mountains.

Yeah, I want to skip ahead here. Yeah. These are six mountains, seven, sunrises, eight, snow, nine, forests. These are all boring. Number ten is animals. Here's the tough comment here. But we were just talking about seeing an animal. Exactly.

Animals are such wonderful organisms. In my opinion, the most beautiful animals on earth is the tiger, scarlet macaw, and Siamese fighting fish. What? Why the Siamese fighting fish? That's what they said I would pick a different animal I'd pick maybe

I think most of the animals I'd pick are different types of cats You like cats I think like a caracol Yeah you think that's beautiful To look at Have you ever seen a Yeah

Yes I have You being into cats makes no sense dude It's fucking weird Why This is like a You're grown man You like cats Big cats and like tigers and shit

It's okay to like a cat If it's like your parents cat yeah yeah if the cat like but like a like have you seen a video of a servile cat no I don't look up videos of cats dude I'm not I'm not an old lump lumpy lady

okay I'm not all right jury's still out on that I look up pornography that's what I look up what if you were watching a pornography

and a cat walks in the background you'd probably be like damn there's a damn cat in the background hold up I gotta zoom in on that shit I wouldn't even notice dude I would Dude, I got a, I have a, I'm locked on the guy's abs. Trying to get inspo.

I'm locked on. I say he's doing fucking quarter crunches. Well, okay, okay, you're watching, you're watching, uh, the, a video that's called, like, Milf gets the cops called on her or some shit. And then out of nowhere, a tiger walks in the background. Milf gets the cops called on her? I don't know. They all name, at least I didn't say, like,

It doesn't even have something about sex. There's nothing sex. Milk gets the cops called on her and she has sex with the cops. Hashtag back the blue. Yeah. Now that's a good video. And a tiger walks in the background. You're not going to take, you're not going to look at the tiger and be like, that's a damn tiger.

I'll, I guess if it was a tiger I'd notice. Okay. But I'm also like trying to make sure that the cops are like following basic procedure too, you know? reading the Miranda rights and all that. Yeah. I would hope so, too. Given her oral sex. See, I would skip her, like, if someone, if somebody said, like, if, like, you know how...

Back the blue hashtag, there's a damn tiger in this video. You know how porn videos now have, like, the different sections are, like, labeled to say, like, what's happening? No, I'm not a freak. And it'd be funny, one of them just tiger walks in it. Tiger walks by. Yeah. Tiger walks into frame. Yeah.

Eight seconds. Yeah. No one even notices, but then it's just like, later in the video, like, someone's like, hold on. One of them stops and it's like, I'm sorry, but... Was that a tiger? There was a tiger that walked by, right? And then the real cops show up, and the real cops say, like, hey, there's a tiger on the loose. There's a tiger on the loose.

Hold on. Why are you guys dressed like us? Wait, are you our brothers? And then they fuck the real cops, too. Yeah. Real cops teach fake cops to fuck. How to fuck a prisoner. How to fuck a time?

It's a really good idea. This is one of the most beautiful comments I've ever read on this website. Number 13 is flowers, and this is a comment from List Lover 77, which is already a beautiful username. Listen to this beautiful comment. This is so kind.

Nothing adds as much beauty to a landscape as gorgeous flowers. Yeah. Yeah. That's better than... I'm on the... I'm on the verge of tears. That's just nice.

Did you read number 12? Number 12's pictures of loved ones. See, that combined with that last comment, I think we have the most sentimental episode of all time. That's just porn again. My loved ones, Stoya. There's another porn star. Was that dead girl?

Which one? There's like six dead women in the world. Helen Keller. No. She's not, don't you ever say. Ruthie Franklin's alive. He's dead. Oh, shit.

Number 18, lunar eclipses. Not as beautiful as solar eclipse. but there's still a sight caused by Earth casting the shadow on its moon during alignment. It's way more beautiful. You can't even see a fucking solar eclipse without special glasses. Yeah, you gotta look like a nerd,

which I'm not wearing that bullshit. That's right. Yeah, nothing's stopping my day at the beach. Yeah, number 19 is Fjords. Is Aretha Franklin dead? I don't like Fjords. Number 20's fire. Only common is arsonist here,

so it's very pretty. Dude, I do. You know, I love arson? get it the pyromaniac thing yeah of course yeah you're looking you look into a fire something something is is calling yeah something is beckoning i don't think it's the devil but it could be every time i look into a fire i hear a voice in my head that says put your hand in it that's me oh really yeah oh it's me when we go camping oh yeah i like to scare you i thought it was the devil no i have a big

of a big horn that i talk into that blows directly into your ear and i just whisper in it yeah I said, like, fire is a food. I thought it was an earring. Fire's food. You can eat it. There you go. The fire is the best part of the smore. You say, I think I'm having the most awesome thoughts today for some reason.

Something cool is happening in my mind. Caleb should have your skateboard. You should teach Caleb out of skateboard. No. I think the devil is telling me awesome crap again. You don't want to learn. I don't want to learn anything. I'm done learning.

There's no way that I'm learning to skateboard or, or, like, snowboard, or do, play an instrument anymore, I'm done learning. I had until I was 17, I whiffed it. I biffed it. I buffed it. I'm not doing it again. Yeah. Done learning. Here's another really beautiful comment. Number 22 family. Whoa. The world could die for all I care. If I see a genuine family, a community that's more beautiful to see than anything, love. A man and a woman doing everything they can for the kids, the next generation. Family doesn't mean blood related. So true. Wait, wait, guys, can your friends be your family? I think your friends could be your family.

I think homies his family too. No. I think it could be. Are you serious? I think homies is family too. I think I'm serious. Well, then you guys are like my two ex-wives. That's not family.

Not anymore. What the hell? Bitch, bitch. Okay, we're like, we're like, we're like, we're like, are each other's wives. But you're jealous of them. And you're jealous of them. Damn. And we got sister wives.

Y'all selling tickets to the show? What's up? Okay. We have a restraining order against you. Yeah. Nice. Because you want to restrain me down and fucking... Yeah.

He threw a brick through a window. You just want to bounce up and down on me. A note on it that says, damn, can I see the show? Can I see the show, though? Yeah, he divorced us at different times. And then he kept throwing bricks through our windows that said, damn, can I see the show? Yeah.

Here's another really nice... I was just trying to watch Unsolved Mysteries. Sentimental comment. Number 24 beautiful women. You know when you see a hot woman walking down the street, it's so beautiful to see. Those hips, legs, beautiful, facial features, breast and ass. There's really nothing more beautiful and attractive. My name is Rachel Features.

Plus the pits. What? You only say that because you're last name. Here's a comment. Many are beautiful, and we should focus on their bright side and stop thinking negatively about people and stop thinking about sexual abuse, violence, and other garbage. I'm done thinking about that crap one I'm done thinking about sexual abuse

whenever I see a woman Here's a celebrity guest comment Yeah I agree and I think that women are the most beautiful Creatures on Earth Remember guys treat your girlfriends or wives good And that's from Kenny McCormick Who's Kenney McCormick from South Park?

Oh I thought his name was Cthuloo I thought he didn't talk anymore Well he can type Here's a comment no commenti Number 26 is handsome men One comment One comment

Oh yeah like Shimar Moore Oh man is he hot That's just not true Handsom men Who cares about handsome men Are you kidding me Have you seen Shemar Moore's Instagram I hate handsome men

I'll be honest Have you seen Shemar Moore's Instagram No I'm not interested in that kind of In like a hot ass naked guy You do have to follow up I'm not interested in a bunch of photos of a hot guy in a grid that I print out on it. No, no, there's videos of him where he's like, I haven't talked to my, my baby girls, my baby dolls, my homies, and something in about a hot minute. Yeah.

I just want to say that your love and appreciate it. I'm lurking. I'm stalking when you least expect it. God damn, dude. I'm silly. Oh, yeah. I'm sexy. I'm silly. He's like a sexy guy who takes a shirt off.

Yeah, he takes his shirt off and makes videos of him just like, you got to love yourself before you can love anything else. It's not my thing. Does he have a sister maybe? He has a sister. Really? Yeah. Oh my God, what's her name? Heimar Moore.

Does he take, she take a shirt off? Did she get her boobs on TV? I don't know. Number 27, the open road. I crave it. It's my oxygen. It's just freedom. The wide open road, good company and some belting.

driving songs. Amazing. What's better than a highway, you know? Ultimate freedom to go from Oklahoma to Kansas City. What did he do? Oh, Lord. I'm sorry. I'm just in a silly goofy mood.

Dude, he's the best. He does rock, dude. Number 37 beaches. Yes, I love tropical and nautical aesthetics. Number 38 gemstones. Yep. Yes, sir. I mean, what is more beautiful in this world than a diamond? Absolutely. Art, birds, ancient ruins, sand dunes, rocks.

Yourself. Shut up. Delicious food. What is this? That's actually, that should be number one. Look at this meal. Oh, that is a gorgeous meal. Oh, Lord, oh, my. Look at that beautiful roast.

Okay, I'll have it. What is that? I'll order it. That's a British type of roast because it has that bread thing. I love family dinners and all those meals neatly placed on their plates. Babies Classic cars When I see a hot rod

Oh my god Dude when I see Number 52 a pregnant woman It is so beautiful and sexy To see a pregnant woman Give in to her cravings And stuff her already big belly With more to make it heavier

And to nourish her baby and her beauty Dude that freaks me out When people If someone's into pregnant women Like Ken Bone was I think if my wife got pregnant That's a hot It's over

Yeah absolutely My fang is not getting near that. Nope. I don't want to, I don't want to, what my baby sees my little dick. Yeah. And says, pee, you, stinky. What do he smells it? Yeah, your baby comes out making a sour face

because he smelled your stinky penis for nine months. So he looks up at you and says, Dad, you got to wash your balls. Exactly. And then he's at the lunch table, when he's in sixth grade, they're all talking about how dad dicks are huge. And he's like, yeah, plus they smell like total crap. You know?

It's a weird kid I raised. He's a stinky dad dick kid. You guys ever think your dad's think about, our dads think about what we do and... What? You guys ever think our dads think about what we do and talk about on here? My dad...

And they get mad. My dad doesn't know who I am. My dad doesn't know who I am. Number 54 concerts. I love the moment when my favorite singers go on the stage and perform their music. All right. My dad took me to a Leonard Skinner concert once.

Yeah? Yeah. My dad took me to a U-2 concert. He told me he had to get on my shoulder so you could see the stage. I was six years old. He used me like a stool. He stood on him? He sat his beer on my head.

Yeah, I tried to do that last. He raised me. When I was growing up, when I was growing up, he used to put a big metal plate on my head so he could get real flat so he could put beer on that. My dad used to put out his cigarettes on my head He didn't even smoke He would ask people walking by If they wanted to put their cigarettes out on my head

He said this My kid's name is Ashtray My dad My dad burrowed a hole in my leg Right? With a little gardening shovel He would just like work at it Kind of every year for Christmas

That was my gift somehow And then he started using as a dip spit cup You just spit on my legs And he would always miss I was going to eat all over my shorts. My dad used to, he used to sleep inside me like a taunton. And it took like years and years for that to heal. Yeah.

There's been a few times where I've gone to go drink a soda at a barbecue. And my dad has, my dad or my uncle has put dips bit in it. So I know exactly. Really? My dad used to use me like a wrench. Yeah. Yeah. My dad would use me as the can recycling machine at the grocery store.

He'd put cans in my mouth. Yeah. I was a can opener for a bit. yeah that's why this tooth right here you see that yeah yeah that's my can opening teeth wow my dad used me as a lawnmower I had to eat thousands of pounds of grass yeah yeah because he was like I ain't put I ain't cleaning up the grass after you know what's that you swallow it you homo before say what dad yeah my dad my dad he used to use me he he he didn't want to he he was getting really into suvied so he'd make me swallow all the raw ingredients and and suvied them in my

stomach yeah have you ever you ever have to be a up hmm and I'd have to puke them back up. Do you ever, in the summer, you ever have to work as the carbon monoxide detector for your house? Oh, yeah. You get too sleepy?

Yeah. You had to go, beep. Yeah, I did that. My dad, he put Bluetooth capabilities in me. He used me like a universal remote. I'm serious.

Yeah. I used to turn all the lights on for him by opening my eyes. Yeah, my dad used to use my teeth as a comb. It's really. A lice comb, actually, because it's so the gas on the teeth.

Right, yeah. Yeah. It's pretty sad. Yeah, I used to comb the poop out of the dog's, the dog's fur on its ass, you know, when it was. It's like you didn't want it scooting on the rug, so. My dad used my tongue as toilet paper when we were camping. I had to eat his poop. They eat my own dad's poop off his ass.

I had to be a campfire one year. Yeah. It had to be. My dad used to use my blood as Diet Coke. Yeah. He used to drink it, drink all my blood all day. I was just walking around pale as fuck, falling over, fainting. Like, like, like, like, a 16th century.

woman in a tight corset. He also used to me to wear a corset. He just thought it's funny. Going to, going on vacation, going to like the Disney World or something, and you have to be the backpack. Oh my God. And then on the drive home, 11 hour drive back home.

Dad used me as a car. Yep. I'd turn into a car. My dad was so mean to me. Oh, dude. Use me like a fucking car. Dude.

Get a lunch box. Oh, man. When I was his wallet at the Red Sox game, that was the worst. He's picking me up. He's swigging me so that the vendor, the hot dog vendor, can see that he wants to buy a hot dog. And I'm going back and forth. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hot dog. Every time he would make me use my hands as a bun for the hot dog.

It's horrible. So I get so many burns. He's embarrassing me, too. Anytime that song Buffalo Soldier came on, he pointed at me and say, it's about him. It's like, no, it's not, Dad. And he would use me... And he'd listen to Buffalo Soldier and then use me as a joint.

Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Use me as a shoe. One shoe. He said that's all he wanted. A single shoe. The worst in the winter when he becomes a snow shoe.

He could have been two shoes. Yeah. Of course, I'm the one who gets to be one single shoe. The other shoe? Fucking Nike Cortez. But I have to be... Why would you even want that? Doesn't make any sense.

He duct tape me to his fucking foot. Oh, my God. I had to work as a ceiling fan for two summers too He said to spin around as fast as I could My dad, my dad, he used to use me as a telephone And I'd have to make up the other end of the conversation And if it didn't make sense Or if I said something that the other person wouldn't say

He'd make me staying outside for like a month Yeah, he was telling me He was like saying names I'd never He'd say, why don't you study up? I want to call Dean Martin A six years old And so I don't know who the fuck is Dean Martin I don't know who the fuck that is

he's like, I'm going to call Rodney. Put me on the phone with Rodney. That's all I knew. Yeah, well, he would also... He's like, no, Rodney, not Rocky. I'd be sitting around and he would go, ring, ring, ring, ring, and he would pick me up. And he would say, hello, who is this? And I would be like, oh, this is your friend?

He would be like, no, it's not. And I'd have to figure out who is calling. Exactly. And the worst is when he finally made me a cell phone. I had to be brick breaker. Oh, fuck. Put brick breaker. Playing it with the burgeoning chest hairs that you had as a prepubescent man.

Has bricks? Yeah. I wouldn't have hair in the locker room. Yeah, why is my dad... My dad's fucking removing lines of my chest hair like Tetris. It's like, come on, dad. Yeah, what are we playing? Brick breaker or Tetris.

Yeah, exactly. You're mixing up your phone games, you fucking old moron. Oh, man, the worst was snake. Oh. You think I can... You don't want to know what... Yeah. All right.

The last thing on the list was... beautiful eyes. Oh, okay. I used Patrick's dad like a condom once. Subscribe to the page. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And also on

the 6th of October, come to Laughbosson, me and Brandon Wardell, Gavin Mats, doing a show there at Laugh Boston and come to that show. And we're going to also be at,

we're going to be at the shaking crab before that. Yeah, we'll be. So everyone, we're going to do a meat and greed at the shaking crab. We'll be eating over $500 of lobster, and you guys can watch it if you want. And you all pay for it. Yeah.

All right. Bye. Bye.