Podcast About List - Ep. 171 - Patrick got mutton chops (w. Gavin Matts)

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

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Come in, come there, come in, and we see a butt. All accounts to the ball list. Every crap monster. We're recording now. I had a... I had a pull and spring energy before this. Don't talk about anything except your fucking face right now. I know that you knew we were recording today, and you were like, I want to have something.

I want the whole episode to be about me. I have a new joke. And you started shaving your face. It's not true. And you were like, I want to look like I have... syphilis. I'm going to get mutton shots. I've been watching Deadwood.

You look like a guy that fucking Sherlock Holmes punches in slow motion. Can I reuse my bit from before then? Yeah, do it. You look like you're, you just got off a fucking crabbing boat. It was better the first time.

Yeah, I know. He does look like it. You look like your deadliest catch. You look at it. I've never heard that. We're here with Gavin Mats. What up? Gavin Metz is with us a beautiful, beautiful friend and stand-up comedian.

And Patrick, you know we really wanted to make the whole episode about him. And I only have one joke for everything. So I have to reuse it. What possessed you to do this? I was looking at the, like, I was trying to grow out the beard long, and then I looked at it, and I was like, it's too big. And then you're like, what's the visual gag here? Yeah. But how did I make this?

I did. I had it like Lemmy. I had it like connected and then I fucked it up and then just like RIP. All right. I'll do. Yeah, exactly. He's dead. Yeah. It was my tribute to him. So it's not his anymore. True. Do you kill himself? True. I could take it. Who? Lemmy. He probably killed himself with alcohol. Yeah. I feel like he, I think he overdose. Alcohol is not a funny way to kill yourself. No. No, it's probably a fun way. What do you think the funniest way to kill yourself is? Funniest way to kill yourself? Probably a bunch of, probably a balloon. Yeah. Probably heroin. No.

No. You guys don't think that's funny. I mean, I think, what's his name? That makes you a legend. On TV. Bud Dwyer. That was funny. I guess it's pretty good.

Yeah. Okay, okay. But this is trademark. Nobody fucking steal this bet. Okay. Slip my wrist in an ice bath. Full shrinkage. Oh, damn.

Whoever finds me, there's one last laugh. They're like, oh, Gavin. Oh, it's diet. so tiny you're small as hell you got a side of

yeah that'd be a bad version of like the Whitney Houston like bathroom photos of after you're dead

you just like your little tiny my little thing it's like the smallest pixelation

yeah they usually have to use one pixel yeah yeah yeah I mean

but have some respect you know give me a big pixel yeah yeah one big

blurry all I now are yeah that goes out and it goes like over the edge of the top and then there's like a weird there's weird grooves in it yeah it's like it's like a drawing of a penis

but like a black bar it's got like two balls yeah somebody did it on the Snapchat thing yeah exactly yeah they screenshot it brought it to Snapchat drew it in yeah I'm gonna be real my my dick's gonna be pretty small even no matter where they find me if I die on like a tropical beach I'm still gonna have a pretty

small cock what I die I think my ball's gonna be long as far you lived how he died yeah exactly small small little shrivel penis basically just a head. Dude, it's been so cool. It's a hog, but it's a young hog.

That's right. I got a pig lift. I got the run. He'll grow, though. You just got to treat him right and make sure he's nourished. Speaking of pigs, you look like you fucked them right now,

you look like your dad fucked one and you came out, actually. You look in like Robert Pickman right now. Robert Pigman? Pickman. You need to invest in... Now, that's a serial killer from the...

Vancouver. Oh yeah, you look like H. H. Holmes. No, no, no. This is a specific serial killer who only killed prostitutes and he fed them to pigs and he had a pig farm. Really? And they found out. They didn't call him the pig man? They probably did. It's right there.

They didn't see him at the time. Fuck. Y'all need to step it up over there. And we need to find our girls. He fed the prostitutes to pigs. The pigs are probably so happy. Well, or sex workers from

downtown east side in Vancouver where I'm from a Canadian serial killer yeah sorry I didn't know you had it in you sorry I booed that sorry about killing all the women I guess you have a lot of hogs so it makes sense right damn it gets expensive feeding all them hugs don't fucking come for us like that bud you have hogs letter Kenny my bad my bad letter Kenny letter Kenny What else? We take back everything we said. Traybark boys. Damn, true.

Little mosque on a prairie. Yeah, we were doing the Muslim shit early. Oh, really? You guys were back in the Muslims early? Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Before the rest of the world was fucking with them.

Yeah, nobody was fucking with them like we were. But you guys were out there on the CBC. Cape and for them, yeah? Yeah. Nice. On the fucking Kim's Convenience. Name all the Canadian shows. Corner gas.

Oh, corner gas is sick, dude. Brent butt right now. Brent butt. What a crazy name. One of the best ever, dude. One of the best ever do it. I look like my name is Brent and Butt. No, you don't.

Shut up. All right. I thought, I thought I could get in on it. It looks like his name is Brent Butt right now. It's a worst day of mine. More like Brent Butter, dude. You need to cut back on the cholesterol, son. This is, I mean, it's just, also, like, you didn't even do them right, really.

I know. Like, it's like a fucking, it looks like I took it eraser tool to your beard. Like, it's not manicured on the sides of all. Yeah, I think when I get home, I'm going to fix it. It's also hilarious. You have orange mutton chops. But it was nice to you to lend Caleb your Waffle House hat.

That is true. Yeah, you would make a lot more sense. From when you were the general manager of... True, this Brooklyn has not too. Actually, my stepdad is a general manager of a Waffle House. Really? I do think I get the hat, so maybe show some respect. Like, that could be my Canada, you know.

All right, well, fuck your stepdad's Waffle house. I'm going to go in there and put my elbows on the table. That's legal. It's not... That's, it's not illegal to be. That's not, you don't have manners in the Waffle House? No, you can do way worse shit at a Waffle House. Oh, damn.

Yeah, you can cue courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue on the Touch Tunes 15 times. Did you do that? No. Oh, because it did play when we went. It won't, it's, they have a setting you can do on Touchoons where you can't play the same song, like, twice in a row. And at Waffle House, they have it turned off. So you can just play their same song over and over again. Speaking of the Red, Red, White, and Blue, isn't that every flag?

True. Why are you coming for America so, like right off the bat? We invite, I invite you into my home, which is in America. Well, the Canadian flags, that's red, that's red and white, right? Yeah, we're always 10 years left. Oh, boo, I wish I had, oh, we don't have blue. You're lashing out. You're lashing out.

You need a third color. Yeah. Yeah. You got one flag. You got what? You got one leaf on it? You're never going to guess how many stars we have. I thought those were leeks too.

And that's plus the stripes. One star, dude. We're a lone leaf. You're not a lowly. Canada, we're Texas, bro. You're not Texas. We're bigger than it. That's true.

That's hard to dispute. How many Texases can you fit in Canada? Multiple. Okay. That's a good estimate. Close to many. Are you from the city part? Are you city slink?

Are you from that their country part? I'm a city slicker. Yeah, you ever go out of that there country part of Canada? It scares me. Yeah? I need noise. Oh. Yeah.

Not enough noise out there? No. chomping out of prostitute's face, isn't enough noise for you? Snarling? No, man, I need noise, bro. I sleep with a sound machine. You do?

Yeah. What sounds? Just white noise, dude. So you don't need noise. Never black noise. If I want that, I'll go to a movie. But you never, you don't ever turn on like, damn, damn. That's good, dude.

That's good. Off the bat. Hate America. black people are loud. That's a good, that's a really good start, Gavin. Yeah, you're crushing it. What's next? Fuck them prostitutes. No, I'm curious. What, the, is, you've always done white noises. You sleep with the TV on or something?

No, I can't do the TV. No. No. Just a, I don't like to lose my place in the show, you know? True. You want to put on the show. We had Matlock on when you came in, watching Matlock. And then we tuned into the, to the channel that said there was a show that was just called Rape.

You know, oh, wow. Well, there's a show I can fall asleep to. It's on, they used to be on Bravo. It's called Red Shoe Diaries. Put that on, I fall asleep right after. I fucking bust one open. Damn. You don't know Red Shoe Diaries?

No. Oh, man. All right, maybe you guys are too, too young. Maybe it's before your time. I mean, I'm not much older than you, but it was like a show where it was like a soft core porn. Oh. On Hallmark?

Yeah. On Bravo? No. Bravo? You get Homemarked. It's all, it's like an anthology series. Each episode is different, but it's always like some like soft core porn. Ah, okay.

And then, uh, there's one episode I jacked off. So it had the scary guy from a prison break on there. Oh, the, the little guy. And he's looking good. Yeah. You don't see shit, though. You don't see it. You see nipple.

You do see male or female? Uh, both. Yeah. Whoa. Probably. What? Nipple quality over there. I thought Bravo was...

Oh, yeah, I say Bravo to that. I thought Bravo was like basic cable. I didn't know you could put... You put nipples on that? You put nipples on 2 a.m., you know? You can't put nipples on 2 a.m. Maybe this is Canadian Bravo. That's true.

Yeah. I didn't consider that. In West Coast time. So you're getting to the shit early. Yeah. 11.30. We're seeing a nipple. That's too early.

That's disgusting. That's too early. Wait for the secret stash on Comedy Central to be on, and then you can do it. There's no nipple on that either. Yeah, I know. We didn't, I don't think. It's just like, you could, you could say everything up to shit.

Oh, yeah, that was huge. Or show a nipple. Yeah, that was huge. Man, that's fucking yay bullshit. They had, they had the, that's when they had the girls from wilds. I didn't have Comedy Central growing up. No? No Comedy Central in Canada.

It's called the Comedy Network. Yeah. And it's just for last gags. Oh, yeah, the little green guy. That little green guy. He's funny. He's funny as fuck. He's funny as hell.

He's canceled. He's canceled. What? What do you do? He's a sex pedophile. He's a sex pedophile? He's the sex pedophile of all time. Oh, I just think we got to start putting categories on these pedophiles.

Of course. I'm tired of the umbrella, putting them all under the same umbrella. Right. Yeah. So what are the different types? Sex pedophile. Just a regular guy pedophile. Or, you know, my favorite pedophile, the guy who's like, uh, that's 17's an adult.

Oh, which isn't it actually in Canada? No. Oh, no? I don't know. I don't know. Don't you, isn't the, isn't like the TV rating, like something 17? Or no, that's, that's, that's, they're an NC 17. In a Peggy 17.

Oh. Peggy 16. That's, uh, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's the UK. That's a video game. Yeah, that's also, yeah. Take me, I'm 16. Dude, everybody loves butt stuff now. Keep going.

I don't like butt stuff, man. You know when they pull it, if you got to get your prostate out, you can't get a full erection anymore. That's not true. Yeah. It's all in the balls, you idiot. Huh?

It's in the balls your erections. Maybe mentally. It's mostly in the wiener, I would say. I mean, you don't, my balls don't get hard. You don't get it fully hard. I do. I haven't gotten a fully hard one than That's why dudes get their ball taken off

Because they'd rather have that than their prostate out Really? I'm not sure It sounds like you're making this up Yeah dude I'm not a doctor I'm just riffing It sounds like you fell asleep on the Wikipedia page For a really beautiful dream adventure

That's like when you fall asleep with a book on you And you continue to read the books and you Yeah well you kind of dream about the book Exactly you go on an adventure Every book is really gay As soon as I fall asleep I feel asleep at Tom Sawyer I think the rest of the book is me

fucking Huck Finn Binning him over the fence And me yelling I'm hucking it I've been falling asleep And having dreams about succession Where I'm in one of the brothers One of the brothers

Really? Yeah That's cool Dude I'm in there dominated You're doing well Dude the dad loves me Are you like an extra brother I like. I'm Caleb. That was your impression of him. Do that again? You're the only son I like. What?

That's what he was like. You're the only son I like. That's what he sounds like. He's got a transatlantic. He's like, ah, say. You're one in a million. You're one in a million, boy. You know that that accent, that transatlantic accent? They did it because they were trying to combine British and American accents. So it was easier to hear in the radio for Universal. But now they're just like, whatever, where we make the most money is China. We'll just dove it. So you think they should do a new one that's between American and Chinese? Well, transatlantic, I don't believe in this. No, no. Yeah, well, I mean, it's technically still, we could just combine Chinese and American accents. And, I mean, technically, it's still across the Atlantic, if you go the long way.

You might be the biggest genius in the world. But he's also transatlantic phobic. True. He's like, I hate, I hate Jimmy Stewart. I don't even know why I don't understand him. He didn't sound like that when he was born. That's a put on. He's making that up.

That's 1920s gay voice. Definitely. Okay. Yeah, whatever the actors are doing. This is really stupid people, right? No. Okay. This goes to like one guy in Minnesota and he sends us money.

Hell yeah. He sends us like $16 and like a bunch of cookies that his mom makes and they're so fucking good. I wish that was actually true. I would love to have a benefactor. Oh, yeah. We have a lot of benefactor. No, no, no, no.

I want a one rich benefactor. I want a big Saudi prince. Yeah. He's obsessed with us. Probably little. You guys don't have? You guys didn't get... No.

You have a benefactor? No. I want to have a benefactor. I want to have one big, big titty lady that I leave all my money to. What? You want to have a benefee? Sure. It's a benefie.

It's a woman. I'm guessing that's the opposite of a benefit. Benefactor's a guy. If you're the benefactress. No. Yeah. No. A benefice?

A beneficie. Oh, whoa, chill. I think they're all benefactors. Yeah, but I just need, I need somebody to be giving me money for no reason. Yeah. Take me out. You're looking for like a sugar dad. Yeah, but I don't want to fucking kiss him.

We don't have to with most of them. What? Is that true? Yeah. Oh, but they're all, they're bad at conversation. Yeah. I can deal with that. It's kind of like, they're like...

I'm friends with Patrick. True. I do a podcast with them. Yeah, there's a lot of, there's a lot of sugar daddies that are just trying to like grind it out like a runescape. Oh, really? Right. Yeah. Just like a bunch of conversations.

Yeah. 99, 99 persuasion skill. No rich guy would want little old me though. I'm so ugly. You don't know that. I think that's what they like. I said I'm so ugly. Because I think kids are ugly.

Well, I think if, yeah. if you were if if they if you were hot they wouldn't want to be your sugar daddy they'd want to fuck you yeah oh true i think they're looking for like ugly people who i'll financially dominate someone yeah how much money do that hell i could do that much right now yeah like 12 grand can i take could i take that no can i take that i'm not very good at this no but did you get a boner a little bit no oh fuck you man i also feel like that's not a lot of money to admit they you have.

Yeah? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You didn't lie? I might as well just said say a number and you said the amount of money you have. Like 12 grand. That's so much money. You're rich.

You have to leave. That's a down payment on the $100,000 in your house. Yeah. You could buy a $12,000 sandwich with that. Yeah, you could buy, you could buy, you could buy, you can buy a $1,000. $12,000 or anything. I know he's taking us to salt base place after this. True.

Or $12,000. Sandwiches. Whoa. Would you rather a $12,000 sandwich or $12,000 sandwich or $1,000 sandwiches? Patrick? I'd have $12,00 sandwiches because I could resell them for $2,000. I don't like the keeping the wine thing. Oh.

People like have like a wine and they're like this from the 80s. I don't think the 80s was a great wine making decade. I feel like the expensive stuff's older, right? It's older? It's like the 50s, right? I don't remember. They had a big chart on the wall when I worked at the liquor store is giant and showed you all the years that you're supposed to drink wine from and all the years you're

not supposed to drink it from. Yeah, because it's all this is like crazy. This tastes good. It's from when people didn't have rights. Yeah. Well, it's funny because there's like spots in the middle where it's like, clean white hands on these grapes. It'll be like, oh, this is old enough that it's delicious or like this is like great, but

then there's a spot on between. It's like, this is disgusting. do not drink it. Well, yeah, because the wine, the wine is only really good every, like, six years or something. Depends on, like, the weather and all this crazy. All this crazy stuff, like the weather.

Now it's climate change. The wine is going down. It's all warm. Yeah. It's getting better every single year. It's all hot. What if that just makes it good now? What if, like, climate change is, like, only happening so wine can get better?

I don't think that's the reason it's happening, but I do think we'll see a lot of really good things in the next couple of years. I think food will get really good. We've got to put our heads together and invent some. thing. Yeah.

For what? Wine in the game. Need a patent something? No, a 27-year-old man. I need to patent something. I need to trademark. I mean, you're talking to basically an invention master right now. We do a lot of work with inventions.

I would say maybe like a... I need to go back in time and invent candles. That would be good. The guy who made candles didn't, like, get anything out of that. He did it for the love of the game. Yeah. Well, he was getting, like, a ton of. like royalties or whatever

and then someone else invented birthday candles and that like fucked him over yeah they're like this is technically different yeah but what about

the candle maker when like electricity started popping off he's just sitting there like fucking bullshit yeah this is I'm burning my house down

it doesn't even smell this is bullshit well yeah where's the disgusting slime the last it doesn't make slime where's the goo nobody's gonna buy this

the last candle maker that's a 824 film yeah that would be good that guy kills he's losing his mind yeah yeah i bet those first light bulbs had a smell to him oh that'd be a good little trailer willem defoe oh my god if you imagine the trailer he oh my god the music is going to the rhythm of him like chopping up candles and stuff he blows out a candle he explodes oh my god yeah he yeah oh after he explodes like some kind of like oh he's a terrorist yeah he he hates he's a

fucking terrorist yes he he everybody's like oh we're going to go hang out of this place with electricity bro my boy edison's down the street right now he blows it up is he he he He's trying to assassinate Edison. Yeah. And he's using, like, there are guns, but he's using dynamite. Yeah. What are?

He invented the candle and he also invented the, like, the cup on a string telephone. And he's like so bad. He got a little game. He invented the horse carriage. Yeah. Just like every, yeah. He just keeps getting fucked up.

Bow and arrow, too. They're, like, paving the roads. He's got cobblestone. He's like, He invents everything one day before the better thing comes out. Yeah. I finally got my patent. Ah, fuck!

Yeah. On cobblestone on the road. Cobblestone had already, like, been around. He didn't have the intuition or the foresight to just be like, are you homesick? Here's what Ireland smells like. He writes it on the candle. True. Well, actually, candles started coming back when they started just making them.

Yeah, because everyone's homesick now. Yeah. Yeah, so here's a... That's a candle company that we're all going to get ads for now. Hom sick candle. Yeah, yours smells like fish. Yeah.

Your smells like the rust-tinch floor of a fishing boat. Salt water. They make those for theme park rides. Would you say Manchester by the sea? Damn. Yeah. They make scented candles for theme park rides.

You can get like the E.T. ride at Universal in a candle. Whoa. And there's one. It's a kidnapping. Yeah. Kidnapping. small world he stole a child well that's what i thought that ride was never been on it but i thought

that that somebody told me once that those were like lost kids oh yeah et the ride trapped there no small world small world oh small world you've been out of t the ride i've never been they're all children's lost souls yeah yeah they're trapped i mean that's what animatronics are in general they're the souls trapped into a machine i kind of belief it's true a lot of people died and that's what i mean you ever watch this new nick kate you ever watch this new nick kate you ever watch this new movie you ever watch this new nick cage movie where he's he's like in a chucky wally's wonderland oh yeah and then they i've only seen the trailer but there's a good i was like i'm not going to watch this shit i get it looks cool there's the one line from the trailer

the girl's like he's not trapped in there with them they're trapped in there with him yeah i heard about that's hilarious they couldn't they couldn't afford nick cage he doesn't speak a single word in the movie he's he's the main character he has no lines and then at the end they have a needle drop of free bird which probably costs millions of dollars he doesn't speak at all

so they could afford to get him in the movie but they could afford to make him talk yeah and then they like that's what people are saying like it's probably money longer because they have like an insanely expensive like

like it's just like they were like finishing out the budget with like the most expensive song of all time and they're like yeah we'll get in a cage but he won't talk that's so sick

we won't pay him for a speaking role it's crazy free bird's the only song Patrick listens to that's a visual joke you look a little confetti dude yeah yeah

wait pig was great yeah in my show in Portland last week there's a guy came to the show he was a PA on pig

nice and one of his jobs on the movie was every day he told me every day he had to bring a new

rotissory chicken to Nick Cage's room at his hotel I was like I was like this guy's awesome that's sick no wonder

Willie's Wonderland couldn't afford him they didn't have His mouth is full in every chicken. He gets hot, dude. Doing Mr. Bean to all the fucking things because he's got a mouth full of chicken wings. Yeah, that's why Mr. Bean never talked to.

He's fucking, yeah, he is full, dude. You need 100 more pounds for me to talk. Yeah, exactly. I give me 100 more pounds. Dude, rotissory chicken a day, that is a grown man's diet. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just eat the whole thing.

Dude, I'm on day. I'm thinking maybe find a spot that has rotissory chicken after this. I worked at a deliastry chicken. for like three months and one of my jobs was to do the rotissory chickens so i was like i can never eat this again everybody always says that but then they always worked at like the most delicious place ever safe way oh yeah see like safe way but people will be like oh yeah i worked at coldstone i can never eat the ice cream there it's like dude it's just i mean like why it's ice cream of course there's like huge amounts of milk and like disgusting shit in it yeah it's still good

it's the one i will say i never want to work at macdonalds you haven't even worked there and you're, oh, you're saying because you don't want the food ruined. Uh-huh. I mean, I do feel like if you're, like, if you see the process that they make food with at McDonald's and you're like surprised, I think you're stupid. Yeah. Well, I mean just like, like, I don't want to know how long like the chicken McNuggets sit in the little heater. That's what I mean. If you're, like, you should assume that it's all like three years old and made from mold.

But then if I see it, if I see it, it ruins the magic. I'm not getting surprised I already watch I go search out the videos Of how Every every fucking Like every few weeks A tweet will go viral

It's like This is how they make The food at Burger King And it's like They like They like a burger out of the freezer And then people are like Whoa

It's like Come on It's obvious The little The Little Caesars Went viral But it's like How the fuck

else do you think You get a $5 Hot and ready Yeah They had like Two like A drill that had like A big spin

Like a big like Whisket It's called hot and ready. It's not hot and ready and fresh. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Hot and good. Take things literally, you fucking idiot.

Two adjectives. That's all you get. Well, I fell asleep watching that McDonald's movie where the guy eats 30. Oh, supersized me. Yeah, I fall asleep. I started dreaming I'm fucking this guy. While he's housing down Big Macs every day. That one is, that's a...

I've seen that movie so many times. They used to show us that in health class. Yeah, they would show it to, like, probably like, once every other. week and health. I watch that, I go, I'm going to go get to McDonald's right now. That's exactly how I'm going to tell. He's a sigh off. Yeah.

The funniest thing is there's a guy who, so there's a guy who did like a rebuttal documentary that was called like Super Lie to me or something. Oh my God. And he goes to McDonald's every day, eats every meal there, but loses weight. And he's like, see, it's because I'm, you know, McDonald's is healthy. But he's eating like a salad and like a tonic water. Yeah. And that's it.

Yeah. Every single meal. And it's like, yeah, you're eating 800 calories a day. Of course you lose weight. Of fake vegetables. Yeah. And he's like, see, dude, McDonald's is fucking beast, bro. Yeah.

I love when there's anything happens and then someone's like, I'll do the other thing. And then they're like defending a company. Yeah. It's exactly what it was, dude. Yeah. Same with Doug Benson. Yeah, he was defending wheat. He was defending McDonald's too.

I know. But then it's like, whoa, have you ever talked or listened to Doug Benson? Right. Shit sucks. I'm anti-weed. Yeah, that is kind of how that movie makes you feel because also it's like

this guy, his brain has been so rotted by weed that he honestly thinks that people want to watch just like an hour and a half of him smoking a volcano, vaporizer and shit. And I've been on getting Doug with high.

I did like this like 420 show and that's like the last time I smoked weed because I was like, I can't be around this guy. You were like, I hate getting Doug. I hate weed, look at what this is. I hate getting dug to more. I hate getting dug, dude.

I'm never getting dug. I got way too douged. I got dugged hard. This guy is dugging me out here. I look like a goddamn fool. I know a lot of people have gone on that show and had like full-blown panic attacks so they get so fucking high.

That used to be a form of entertainment. You'd be like, oh, you'd want to get so high that you just like, man, I was so high. Yeah. So it's crazy. And that was like our lives. Yeah. But that was before all weed was evil.

Yeah. Like every dispensary has like the most, evil strain of weed of all time. Yeah. Like, it's like the most, like, it's like GMO weed or some shit. If I buy weed, I mostly just buy it from like the gas station near me. Yeah, you get like that, I know, is, it's guaranteed to be bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like, I need some shake. Yeah, exactly. I can only smoke shake. If I smoke, if I smoke that gas, dude, I'm my life. I can't. I grew up on gas. Like, I don't, you know, I'm smoking that BC bud. Oh, that's true.

Yeah. You got to try shake, dude. So that's why I was like, I'm done. done with weed. I smoked at all. You got to try shit. Everyone's like, weed is crazy.

And I was like, it's always been crazy. No. I took like, I did, I was hitting the bong one time and I took, I took eight T3s, Tylenol with codeine.

Nice. And I sat in an electric drum set for four hours. Just playing one, with one hand because my other arm was in a sling and just playing like, and I was laughing because I thought it was the Law and Order theme song. I was like, this isn't productive. That I will,

that is, that is the, it is so awesome when you're like when you're a kid and you're getting like just insanely high and then you sit down at like a keyboard or like a drum set or something and you just think you're Dr. Dre like I feel the music dude I understand the 808s now dude dude I used to like I used to get like like one like pretty much like one nug of weed and then like not break it up and just like smoke that so cool dude oh that was that was the only time I ever felt good getting high damn smoking through a can smoking through an apple I did apple

Making a third long. Oh, dude, the, like the Shasta Cola three-liter bong. Yeah. That shit, I made so many of those. We just smoke out of a guy that I knew out of a hookah. Just smoke out of a guy. We would do. No, come on.

He's serious? You think I'm sucking dick? That's nasty. No. Smoking out of a hookah, the straightest thing you can do. Bro, the human body doesn't even work like that. It takes so long for it to go down with the guy trap. This is one of those bugs bunny cartoons?

Well, dude, it goes into the belly. The smoke blown out of Bugs Bunny is cock. It's the best way to smoke it, I heard. I heard that on getting dug with high. He's just calling it getting dug. Dude, because the name is backwards. He's so high, he can't even spell it. A couple of junkies down at the Myrtle Wyckoff stop getting dug.

I was so dug, dude. I was dug. Me and my boy, Nebue, we rolled a bunch of joints. 30 joints and we were going to a concert so we put them in our fucking boxers so we could sneak them in but we were real high and then we were in line for Wiz Khalifa and we were just like let's just go and we left and we went and ate food and watch looper did you damn we scalped our tickets did you forget about the weed in your underwear no we smoked the rest of it oh damn okay sick and I'm like that's what weed does make you miss out on experiences yeah I would have

I've never had a single good experience smoking weed. No. And I probably smoked weed a thousand times. It was bad high school weed was the only time I had a good time smoking weed. It was the best of all time. Yeah. When I was smoking weed during quarantine, it was all dispensary weed. And it made me schizophrenic for months on end.

And I was like, what is this? And I looked it up in the stream. It was called Durbin Poison. I was like, I can't have this anymore. Yeah. I got some real fucked up, like, good weed at one point. And then I was waking up and I was like, waking up, like, still. high and then like going to my

into my bathroom and like barely being able to open my eyes in the morning and then your eyes are like heavy oh yeah yeah horrible the only time I'll get back on the gas is if Seth Rogen acknowledges me this guy from the same place he doesn't support me he doesn't support you he doesn't he doesn't

give me money he's not my benefactor this boy's got 12K dude come on put a zero on the end send me a vase bitch everybody tweeted Seth Rogen Seth Rogen said At Gavin Matz-A-Vos, bitch. He needs it, yeah.

He's struggling, dude. He needs it, dude. Who's Seth? No, Gavin, he needs a vase. I thought you said Seth was struggling. Seth is struggling. Do you see American pickle? No.

Dog shit. I didn't even know that was a thing. American pickle? I haven't even heard of that. You look like the American pickle, bro. Come on. How do you not, you didn't look, you didn't have it taped to your mirror this morning when you were shaving? Yeah.

I did look up a photo of, like, you look up. Lemmy because I wanted to do that. Pretend it's two years ago when I say this joke, okay? Hey, Pat, nice glutton chops. Oh, yeah. Pretty good, right? He used to be pretty fat. Yeah.

Oh. That'll be pretty good if it were like that. That's a cardinal sin, dude. It is one of the big cardinal. You're going to get sevened. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's next to me. But now, since now, okay.

I got that coming up next week. Just want to plug that. I'm going to be forced to. I'm going to be seven to. It's present day. It's a nice mutton chops. Somebody's going to cut my girl's head off and put it in a box. Anybody I wish.

I wish sometimes, you know what I'm saying? That's a funny prank now. It'll be like, remember the movie seven? From seven. No, I was doing a seven to him. Oh, from seven. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's fine then.

Yeah. We can just put it back on later. Oh, it's from seven, Ed. You know that movie? That's spelled out. Yeah, seven. Seven. Seven and.

Of course a seven. Yeah, Seth, seven. I've got to see seven. I've seen seven. We've all seen Seh Seven. I don't know. It's just pronouncing the title correct. Yeah, Se, Se, seven N.

All right. You guys are talking about movies like American Pickle. I only watch old stuff. Really? No. No, that's a lie. Yeah. You saw a fucking...

Shang Chi four times in two years. Dude, a friend of lunch, the Shang Chi guy came into his work. He worked at a restaurant. And my friend showed him the Island Boy video. And the guy said he was like, why are you showing you? It's an island boy. He's like, I don't know, that's better. What do you want me to ask you for a photo?

No, I'm going to show you this bean. Sometimes you have to take stuff in your own hands. You have to make sure, like, certain people are aware of certain things. Like, dude, sorry, I just don't want you to fucking lose touch now that you're all Hollywood. Oh, yeah. And then that guy told me that the Shang-chi guy got, he got canceled because he said, like, gay people are mentally disabled. He was on like an in-cell redder. something he's on in cell ready really what's his name simi loo yeah he was so he was on like

some like in cell he's a fucking legend leave him alone he's young and then Chinese culture is very misogynous you just said he's Canadian huh you just say he's Canadian Chinese as well you got a pick you got a pick yeah no you can be a couple of things transatlantic true that's true trans and Atlantic which yeah wait wait Not the main guy, right? Not the main guy from Shang-Chi. Yeah, the main guy. Shang-Chi was on a insol subred saying gay people were like people with Down syndrome.

Really? Yeah. I know you're not telling the truth, but I'm not going to. It's true. It's straight up is true. No. No, I'm thinking, not the guy I'm thinking of. The main guy.

The main guy. Shang-Chi. Okay. The guy from fucking Simi-Loo. He got the 10 rings from his dad. Okay. In the movie. It's pretty good.

There's some good set pieces. That's a nice story. Come on. Come on. No, I hate Kung Fu. Let's hurry this up. I got to see this movie again. I kind of, I should have seen it.

I didn't even, I honestly didn't even know it already came out. I felt like I just, there was, there was so. Well, this is the anti-Asian. No. Okay. No, I'm very pro-A-A-old. To a fault, actually. Six weeks to get released.

Yeah. Like, Eternals is like, oh, like, it's out now, not really. Yeah. It's out tomorrow. I also thought that Chinkie was one of the Eternals. Shouldn't that have been out forever? Yep.

Come on. Dumbass movie. That's right. Fuck you, Kingo. Mm-hmm. You never return my calls. Everybody, everybody online, why do you get Jack just to shoot stuff out of his fingers? It's like, because he's rich.

He wants to look good. Yeah. That's right. His wife's sick. He should have gotten 10 times fatter for the rule, I think. That would have been funnier. That would be so cool. He was just like a bowling ball.

I bet Kumail 100% bro. Yeah. Just, dude, yeah, he got fucking picked out to be a monster. Yeah. Like, that's cool. Yeah. He was just like some nerd. That's why everybody still hates nerds.

Yeah. You know, that's how deep. And he went from a nerd to jock. But then everybody's like, yes, now he's a jock. We can all hate him. You know what I mean? Because nerds kind of had to accept him because he was like, they're shining. I feel like he's pro jock.

I feel like he picked a bad point in time. Like, I feel, I mean, I guess I could be wrong, but I don't see, like, Kingo being, like, the next, like, Iron Man, really. You know what I mean? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? He's an iconic character, Kingo. You don't, oh, fuck, you must have not seen the movie. You saw the movie?

No. I just love Kingo, though. Yeah. If they had had Kingo in, like, the first Captain America movie, now, that could have been something. I think he should be the Hulk. Yeah. Yeah, he could be the Hulk. I think we need a brown Hulk.

They need a new Hulk. Well, there's a she Hulk is coming out, and she's black, I think. Really? Yeah. She's green, actually. Whoa, when she's in Hulk form. The first green Hulk. I think it's racist.

You think it's racist? You think it's racist? I don't think black people are angry. Well, the Hulk is. Well, the thing about she Hulk is she can't go to a movie. God damn it. Dude. This is a kid.

What? Two times in one It's been fucking 25 minutes I'm sorry I'm being problematic Boy oh boy I don't think Well let's get to the list

This is Best places to have sex You like to have sex Yeah You strike me as a guy He likes to have sex a lot Sure I'm a sex addict Yeah that makes sense

I used to cheat nice dude no edit that he leaves in the Hulk thing edit out here's the best places to have sex what do you prefer ordinary or extraordinary nice or wild it's a good way it's a good question to start out with that is a good opening question number one ordinary but wild true no ordinary ordinary, but like the idea

that it's wild. Pretending it's wild. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like when people like role play and they're like, yeah, we're role playing, but then it's like when they fuck, it's just like missionary.

Yeah, normal sex. That's like 90 seconds of being like, I'm a baby. Yeah. Anybody that needs like a roleplay, they're always like, we got to spice up nothing. And then they just like narrative. Yeah.

What if I wore doctor clothes? first. What if I had them on first for a minute? And you're not fucking, like a doctor. A doctor is a fucking, that's, that guy knows everything about the human body. He's way, a doctor's way better. I would not let a doctor fuck me. No, dude, he's going to make me feel, yeah.

I'm going to, he's going to overload my body. What if he feels a lump on my nut? Whoa. I did role play as a doctor once and I held an exacto knife up to her. I'm going to get my vagus nerve stimulated, bro. I don't want that. Yeah. That's going to, I'm going to be.

surprised. I was a fucking doctor. I circumcised myself. Number one is bed. And here's the top comment. The place I had sex for the first time, it was in my boyfriend's house. His dad was gone for two weeks, and we had sex in his dad's king-sized bed. It was amazing. Don't use someone else's bed. You know, I seen a bed, I seen a screenshot of a bed from Facebook Marketplace, and it had a kennel underneath. Whoa. Oh, yeah. I'd like to have sex in that bed. Yeah. Under the bed.

I'd like to be in the kennel on my computer and not have to have sex. I'm just under there. I got my comic books down here. I'm reading. The door's locked. The lock is on my side. Nobody can get in. Reinforce steel on top so I can't even.

I don't, like, feel the squeaking. Yeah. I'm on. Big headphones. I'm on live leak. Yep. First place I had sex was a couch Shout out to my mom's apartment

Nice And Mayfair in Wilmington, North Carolina That couch was so leather That's sick. It stuck on my knees and I got a rash Yeah It's an old leather couch Yeah

Was it like peeling too? It fucked up my knees for a long time Yeah It was a cheetah A zebra leather couch Yeah Because you were on your knees The first time you got fucked

On the couch Yeah I was I mixed it up I couldn't remember who fucks who and it was a coin flip so you know Peggy 16 Yeah Where I really hope people are doing it

Seriously some of these items are insane The beach in a pool We are such a weird generation In a pool It's actually in a pool Not good dude No You get water

We were trying to hold Forward play and she drowned Yeah that's the fear Right? She came up, she had water in her nose. You could put your penis on one of the hot tub jets. That's a pretty good feeling. Yeah.

Yeah. When I was a kid, before I ever did any drugs, I used to like, anytime I was in a hot tub, I just put my, hold my breath, just put my face in front of the jets for a long time, and I come up and it made me really dizzy. And I was like, I'm going to do drugs in two years. That's a good drug, yeah. And pushing your hands onto your eyelids to see those colors.

So many things like that. Did you ever do that thing where you like... Sticky note on the lips like that? You like hold your breath, take a bug, bunch of deep breasts and then like stand up and down really fast and you just pass out no I I used to do that all the time I just got yeah I was like addicted to that I used to get Doug on standing up all the time it was so cool yeah um I can't really read this where I'm saying this is a common one yeah that's true the bed this is commonly I don't understand how this could be the number

one dude this is it's pretty boring per I mean are we going is this maybe the 10th 10 10 No, this is number one. The top of the best. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. This is, it says perfect for being naked. Nice place to do it.

Someone just said same. Someone said, lie down and make love, baby. Truly the best sex is in bed. There is so much room. I have a queen-sized bed, and it's amazing how much room there is to have crazy good sex in. Oh, yes. I've always been, like, any time I've been doing it, I'm like, this is bad. I'm like, we need more room.

We need a bigger bed. We need to be. in a convention center right now you're two comments in a row I especially love it when the bed makes sound and then this one

read this one too there's another good one the final one no one was rocking with this comment Usa just take out your clothes and kiss the bra

charge our binks destroyed the Yusa just take the clothes off and kiss the bra he should have been one of the eternals honestly

you should have you would a crush that would be amazing yeah he basically was I mean it was you add all those people up it's jar jar

pretty much do you make a Jarjar show where he's actually a cis lord yeah number two nah not a fan

bro not a fan too much water it's not good turn that water off if you turn the water off it's nice

and then you're cold but then you feel like lying it down in the top you feel like an idiot you start having sex the water's annoying you turn it off, then you're like, we're just in a room now.

Yeah. And I'm a little wet. Yeah. And then when you pee, it's like still, it doesn't get washed away with the water. Exactly. Yeah. When you pee at the end of the sex? Yeah. It doesn't leave. It just sits there. That's squirt. Yeah. No, I'm squirting on your leg in the shower. I don't understand the, like, obsession with like, oh, sexy is wet. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like being wet. I like dry. I like dry. I like dry. My whole essence is wet. Yeah.

You know? Nobody has ever said my whole essence is wet. I swear to God. My people are always saying my whole essence is wet right now. Dude, I'm wet. My essence is wet. My fiance as of July 14th is absolutely crazy. Oh, happy anniversary.

He is a bit more sexual than I was used to, but he helped me channel my inner crazy side. One time he convinced me to do this, even though I didn't want to. Now we do it at least once a week. Love you, Riley. From Survivor 101. Whoa. Okay. Some Stockholm syndrome.

I'm Survivor. He's convincing me things I don't want to do. This comment is... Wait, I love him being like, that she's like, oh, he helped me channel my inner crazy side. He did? It sounds like you're a woman. This comment is just my favorite

And it's from evil angel Whoa I would never have sex with an evil angel So you know she's from the UK or true Yeah that's the evil part Shout out to the spelling stuff with a you Fuck calore You fucking hate calore

Dude number three is car It's fine I just hate when it goes down the hill I used to beast on my dad's suburban bro He used to destroy that shit Dude, you get the coozy in the tailpipe. I was in there alone, bro. I was in there alone.

Call that titan. Dude, I was in the car alone jacking off. I got a titan. Dude, I used to do that. I remember one time I jacked off in the 15 minutes that it took my mom to deliver a rent check to the real estate office in my car, my mom's car. I got a road it. Busted in a sock. From an old lady.

Oh. What? Congrats. Yeah. That's cool. Call that American pickle, dude. Yeah. Yes, sir.

Gives new meaning to drive me, baby. Who's... What? Anyone see the Doritos ad? That's not related to, like, sex at all. No, that's just like... Dude, what's up with these ads? The Doritos Super Bowl ad was so funny.

No, I think these car ads? I just need to talk about it. I was 19, and I had sex with my friend's single 47 old mom in my car. Then three months later, I did one of my 18-year-old classmates in the same car. Whoa. My husband likes to kiss me in the car, but... But we have never had sex in the car. That counts.

That does count. Kissing his sex in the car, at least. Number four is beach. Uh, no. I just love the way sand gets on you when you have sex. No, you don't. The sand gets all over both of your bodies. That is so sexy and hot.

I would love it. I go to a private beach. No kids. Once a week can have sex with my wife. Even in the dead of winter. I've never had sex on the beach No, yeah No kids

Sounds bad No kids Yeah A private beach where no kids are allowed Yeah This is a beach That's why we had a beach wedding What you fuck right there

I like this one That sounds amazing Oh I hope I can do that one day Dude I just don't The sand I do feel like I would get sand All in my pubs Yeah

Yeah And that's like You know you go to the beach one time Like getting sand in, like, my shoes. Dude, oh. Yeah. Sand coming out of every hair on your body for, oh, my gosh. My mouth completely filled with sand, stuff with sand, can't talk, can't breathe.

I'm on the beach, I'm having sex. Swallowing so much sands. I'm burying my head like an ostrich while I'm having sex, dude. I'm eating so much sand. It's so annoying. I look up, Seagull is just staring at me. Exactly, yeah. He thinks his food, because I'll eat anything.

He's eating my comb. Now of a sudden, I'm worried. What if I have a seagull baby one day? And he knocks on my door. He's my dad reincarnated. He's disappointed. Oh, he's just sitting there watching me. He's seen my little stick to.

Your performance was terrible, so. The thing, all right, the thing is that there's no, there's really no. He's sucking my dog. He's my tics of fry. There's really no material difference between fucking on the beach and fucking, like, on a playground. Yeah. Right? Like, this is not a good.

It's a sandbox. It's just sand. It's just fucking sand, dude. Yeah. And there's, like, Like, you're not in the ocean when you're fucking. The other thing is, like, think about how much bird shit is in the sand. So much.

I do you think you're cool. James Bond wouldn't do this. Yeah. And a crab could pinch on your wiener, too, when you're having sex. I feel like that'd be kind of nice, though. I hate, I hate the wild. I hate the wild. I hate the camera like, oh.

Look at this thing. Patrick's like, grabs the crap. He's like, I just made some money. Yeah. Because your face, bro. Yeah. You honestly look so crap. Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm cracking off. I'm evolving. You need a bib. I'm becoming a cephalopod. You look like if Wario had an intravenous drug use problem. A cephalopods is a squid. I don't know what you were trying to say. You know how like people like, like a lot of animals just slowly evolve into crabs.

Oh, yeah. Carcinogens. No, that's. Speaking of cellulite, I don't like to be on the beach because then you're seeing all that. Yeah, plus bikinis Yeah Private beach, no fat people That's a good idea

Yeah I do like looking at pictures of fucking Some hot, hot people on the beach Yeah, you have a calendar Check out Baywatch I used to have, I had a Sports Illustrated And it was ran through Taking care of the glue

Coming off the pages and all the pages Yeah Oh my God It didn't even get to my favorite one after a while It was fucking the magazine I burned it up. I had a funeral for it.

That smell would have been pretty fucked up, dude. It smelled like hair. Number five is on the floor. Yup. Feels so dirty and spontaneous.

Sometimes fall on the floor from the bed. Ow, dude. Yes. What are you playing fucking King of the Hill on your bed,

just fuck. What's wrong with you? I did this once on the hall floor. What are you fucking playing role playing as King of the Hill? Bobby! Bobby

Oh, dang it I fell on the floor again Damn it, Bobby I'm gonna come Bobby Oh, dang it Borg Peggy

Peggy 16 Call back Bringing it back Who Number six is couch Yeah, Caleb Put this one on there Dude I've

I've fucked Where both of you Are sitting right now Dude, no What the And you know I don't wash That shit that shit's expensive

my husband came home today and I just had to have him and couldn't make it to the bedroom oh did it feel good damn I'm never gonna fuck again I just had to have him oh did it feel good oh I just had to have him girls aren't special like sex

after sex going oh did that feel good me oh my that was a fucking jolly Roger right there oh gosh I like that could be fun if you're on one of those recliner joints shoot you up a little bit

but if you're on a sectional dude all the pieces come apart true number seven in a pool I've done this it's fun that's mostly the pool part that's fun yeah

it was great we got to throw a Nerf football back and forth it's sick dude it's all the fun of sex and all the fun of sex and all the fun of them done one of those little basketball hoops

dude I was I was jumping I was jumping into the fucking pool. I get ass to the ball back and forth with ten friends and all landing in a pussy. Got one of those like

flamingo like floaties around you just you can like stay up in the water. This is some huge heff shit. I will say that. Yeah. This is some half shit. Yeah.

Dude, you know Hefner was every day in the pool. At some point the buoyancy is the only thing they could give him an erection. I can see you underwater. What do you mean? What do you mean?

What do you mean I can't get up? Yeah, exactly. Check this out. It's like a water weight. He just fucking floaty. And he just jumps in the water pool. Number eight in bathroom That's where my shit and piss lives

Certainly makes for easy clean-up It's even nicer if you turn off the lights What? The bathroom is just pulling your whole Like shower curtain down Yeah Just destroying everything Stumbling into the shower curtain

And then they think you're a ghost And they kill you. True I never done the bathroom No It doesn't seem fun And well I may have but I mean I'm with a girl now

I'm in a loving relationship now. You know what I mean? You guys met my girl. Yeah. Yeah. She's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She's cool. Anyway, but before that, when I was just a bad guy, there's this girl and we're like, we are like making out. And then we're like in New York, like walking. We're trying to find a place. It's like 2 a.m. And then she's like, I got to go to the bathroom.

So she goes into this random bar. And then she texts me. She's like, come here. And I'm like, is something going on? Is she okay? so I go into this bar and then I go and it's like the bathroom's like down these stairs at the back and it's like a long hallway and then I see her like poking her head out of the bathroom and she's like waving me and then she was wearing overalls and and she had like and when I get to the bathroom

she has like the overalls kind of slinged off her shoulders and she like wants me to have sex with her in the in the bathroom wow but it's like 2 a.m. at a New York bar and we weren't there you know and it just as soon as I like get to the door it's just like stinky bro. And I was like, oh, I'm not doing this. And then I never talked to her again. Ruined with the smell of shit, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Like, she thought it was going to be like some sexy and spontaneous thing, but I was like, it's stinky. Yeah. That's gross as though. People are pooping in that. And it's late in the night, you know, this bathroom's been taking care of, dude. People were pissing everywhere doing cocaine. I was probably the previous tenant, dude. I'd be blowing up the bar bathroom, dude.

Yeah. One sip of beer. The nicely about the bathroom You can put the square where it belongs Yeah And the shower Number nine is a tent Oh yeah

I've done this But I was role-playing as unhoused There's one comment here From Roger Mick Baloney It says Oh yeah In a tent In the woods

That's hot And then it says Definitely come to a national park Okay Roger Alien name. Let me know if you're planning to come to a National Park and do this.

This staircase that's lit up in a national park. Yeah. It's a great campsite. There's a log cabin right about it. One light on, I don't know who lives there, though. I'm having sex in a tent. Next thing I know, I'm fucking interdimensional kidnap.

Camp next to the pit in the ground. I'm not down there. I don't have giant shoes that can kick a whole tent into it. The thing about sex is that it's also so dangerous. It's true. Dangerous sex is the best sex, dude.

Yeah. On top of a building. Right next to a sign that says caution. Says no sex. Wet floor. Yeah. And a giant vat of oil. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. A big piano hanging above you. Yeah. I've been having sex in Hawaii is a trip. Oh my God. Any time, any given moment, you could be fucking Pompeii. True. Yeah.

Like that fucking guy who's jacking off in the pompeii. thing. Oh, my God. It's cool that he, yeah, he got his, he's the real eternal. That was, I mean,

that guy was, he's outliving all of us and he's just got his hand on his car. Let's be real, like that guy was a prankster. Definitely. Because you hear an explosion in the distance,

you know, a volcano erupting. You know. If you're jacking off, you stop. If you're not jacking off, you pretend you're jacking off, if I,

if I wake up in the morning, I'd fucking open up my shirt. He's like, I'm going to be like this. He's just like, Yeah, if I wake up, I open up my shades. First thing I see is a pumice, just flying at me, dude. My hand is going up my ass.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm going to pretend that I'm Marionette or that I'm puppeteering myself, yeah. I've never been able to do it before. We just instantly curl into a perfect, yeah, a perfect wheel. Yeah. They think I'm a bowling ball. It's like how you can like, like, like, lift a car if someone's in danger. Yeah, it's like an instant superpower.

If you know it's going to be really funny. plastic flow like going coming towards you just instantly just like armadillo up yeah just magnetic

mouth the penis and then you turn to dust they never find you never find your body I'm going past my penis just sucking my balls and my penis under my chin

what a freak yeah the scientists like dig you out and they just throw you away they're like no we're not the Pompay jacking off guy was one thing

this is like this is not okay We cannot put this in a museum. Yeah. Science can never... They think I'm cane. In 10,000 years, they try to Jurassic Park you and they have an exhibit full of you

just, like, sucking your own balls. Well, they take me out of the amber, and they think I'm going to, like, talk to them, and I just keep sucking my own balls and not acknowledging them at all. Do you speak English? Just coming into this. fucking little thing right here over and over again.

He's coming into your shirt. Wow, after all this time he's been committed to the bit. Yeah, dude. I still think I'm laughing with my balls in. Yeah, for him, it was like five seconds. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. A whole exhibit at the Met. Yeah.

The self-suck exhibit in the Met. All right. Self-suck over time. Number 10 is outside in a rainstorm. No. Oh, that's like Well, worst shower. That's why they use the weather machine for Hurricane Katrina.

It's so hot, dude. Wet and wild, I love it, but no lightning. I'm not going to get got. It's not going to get me. We'll get some sexual superpower, dude. I don't want that. Yeah. Let me get some never-ending fucking boner if I get struck by lightning.

Yeah. Dude, imagine just like the lightning rod. your penis gets struck by lightning immediately as soon as you pull it out then... Yeah, well, because it's made of metal. That's like your superpower as you can shoot the lightning of your dick.

Like a... Like Palpatine. Shooting lightning bolts of people. Yeah. God damn, if I could shoot lightning bolts out of my dick. You'd be a whole, whole different world. I would rob a bank. Yeah.

That'd be a funny way to rob a bank. with your dick out I have to do this. I'm sorry guys. I swear it's going to I swear, yeah. No kids. Get all the kids out of the bank.

You have to go to the bank that says no kids. No kids allowed. No kids' only bank. This is the only bank in the city that has no lollipops. Yeah, what do they know of money? They don't need it.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You turn Richie Riches there? Fuck. I should have known God, now I'm doing now I'm going to kill Richie Rich in my dick Yeah, it's the two worst crimes

Bank robber and sex offender The bank robbers are already robbing a bag He's like, I don't want to go to jail I can't fucking Be showing a kid my dick, dude One step too far You fucking kill yourself You fucking kill yourself

Boying your dick Dude I get afraid Because I piss on the street a lot Dude, I get a friend One one one wrong move dude I could be Oh, that happened, well, I didn't like... I feel like peeing should just be...

Like, because no pedophile is like, I really want to pee in front of a kid. Yeah. You know, like, I don't think I should go to jail. No, public urination is a victimless crime. Is it one of your categories? Nice. And your pedophile jeopardy that game that you're building? He's running the field guide to pedophiles.

You can watch them like words. Yeah, it has their different, like... Okay, class, this almanac is a little different. Yeah, and then you have a... You build in one section. people who are deaf and not pedophiles and it's just you covering for yourself. Me and all my friends. There's no earthly way.

All right. I like that everyone, there's always a one of these. Sounds like a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. That's the same person. Oh, that's so nice. I wish I had a boyfriend.

Yeah. It rains a lot where I am. Gab, you're playing Boston this weekend, right? People should come see you. Yeah. This is going to come out. This is going to come out. This will come out a week from tomorrow.

Oh, okay. Well, then I was already in Boston, but I'll be in Chicago on the 27th at the Lincoln Lodge, and then I'll be in Atlanta after that, and then also Washington, D.C. But you can just, like, follow me online. Yeah, so if you send me, like, tweets to those two, I can put him in the description. He has this fire-ass tweet that he posted one time that said it's Gabby Petito was the Zodiac killer. Oh, that was fire, yeah. We juiced that, dude.

That was the top. That was like front-page news. Yeah. So thank you, Gav. Sometimes I have these thoughts, right? And then I just need people to support me. We got you, brother. All right.

Bye-bye. Thanks for having me. Of course.