Podcast About List - Ep. 174 - Behind Boy

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

wow. Its CHristmas Week. Go subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist for part 2 of christmas week, on christmas

Come in, come in, come in, and me see your butt. All accounts to the ball list. Every crap monster. Okay. Wow. Ooh. So very... Coming in a little hot.

Hold on. Yeah. Caleb couldn't figure out how to use his recorder. Can you... Yeah, he was playing a recorder. That's a whistle. That's a whistle. Oh, do I still have my recorder from Atlantic City?

No, it's in my car. Oh, really? it the other day and then I looked at it and I was like I'm not going to put that on my mouth and then you and then and then thank God I didn't yeah yeah because I'd be I'm getting that new variant ooh Patty got the Omicron what is it like it's crazy I mean nothing it's a fucking cold it's a cold it sucks it's it's nothing I can't go out for two weeks for nothing I should be allowed to go to every bar in Davenbusters in the city you can that's true I can go They check, they're not checking, that's true.

They just check your vaccine card. They don't, they don't like smell your breath to see if you have. Well, no, I'd feel too bad if I got anyone else sick. Just do it, man. You just said yourself, it's a cold. Just don't spreading it like crazy. Oh, I can't wait to spread it to you guys. I think you already did.

I'm like 90% sure that you already did. I tried to walk around all day looking for tests. None of them. Yeah, it shut down. It's literally impossible. so long to get a test right now. Santa Con, dude. Santa Con got everyone infected. Stop. You were

at probably... It was literally you. The fucking gay matrix party where everybody in the world caught this. I was at a gay matrix party. So just admit it that it's your fault. They were supposed to be a pony in the living room. Ben told me there was a pony that was supposed to be there. And then we got

there and there was no pony. They were literally using the pony to try and like ferment and breed the next disease inside it. New York City needs be like day after tomorrow wiped off the face of the earth with a big wave it's disgusting i'm so i didn't catch it until until neil got it liar that's a lie bro that no uh-uh because i you guys know i kept testing negative you probably gave it to him no no way oh and me bro yeah definitely me if you if you gave it to me and you

kill me? Are you going to feel anything? Yes, dude. Are you kidding me? What will you do? Would you even feel anything if I died and it was your fault? Don't make me think about that, man. Oh my God, my blood is slowing down and my heart rate is reaching one. Oh, no, I have one heart rate. That is, that is, that literally is, when COVID started, that's what I, I would lie in my bed at night and I think every night, like, oh my God, all my friends and family are going to be killed by me. I'm going to kill them all. I'm having those thoughts again than you used to do that. I'm having those thoughts again, which sucks.

Yeah. It does feel like everything's just kind of slowing down to a crawl again. And I like it, dude. Well, yeah, everything's going to be back open in the summer. It's just happened like this because it's the fucking winter. Who cares? Yeah, no, I didn't eat the winter. Are you kidding me?

I don't have to do stand. Stand up for like two months. Yeah. This is going to be great, dude. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. We get to cook up some great new podcast episodes where we're all coughing and... Yes.

Sleasing. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, it's... I really immediate... It's funny how fast... As soon as I knew that we were going to do a Zoom episode, I just slid right back to the normal routine of just like...

I just sat in my house all day long. Oh, me too. I started drinking at 2 p.m. Yeah. I did my famous, this is my famous cocktail that I invented last year. Sure. It's, okay, it's, it's one part tequila, one part water. It's really good.

I've actually, I invented a new cocktail that I call it the manana. That I've been partaking in today and yesterday pretty heavily. It's called Cameron Special, not Cameron's Special, the Cameron. It's special. And it's basically you want to take water and you'll need an electric kettle. You heat up the water with the electric kettle. You don't want it to boil. It's okay if it boils, but you don't really need it to boil.

That sounds awesome. Pour the water in the mug. Get this. You're going to put in a tea bag and some honey. You already had me on most of that. And I started foaming at the mouth. And you know what? It's going to steep for two-ish minutes.

And you lose me. You lose me completely. The water is enough for me. The hot water, that's like the perfect drink, maybe. That's the difference between the, that's the difference between the Cameron special and just the Cameron. Yeah, that and $5. It's on a menu. Yeah.

I'm charging a lot more than $5 at my restaurant that I opened yesterday. You opened a restaurant? See, this is so fucked, man. I haven't seen you guys in so long. I saw you both for like one minute the other day. And now, and now we're, now we've been, we've been, uh, placed on separate poles. Yep. This is so hard.

This is literally, this, this has happened every winter of our lives. Yeah, I know, dude. It's horrible. I just said that. I don't think that's true. I just made that up and said it. No, because the first, the first, like, year of the podcast, you guys left for L.A. That's true.

That was winter. Oh, my God. I guess I'm so smart that I made something up and it was true. Yeah. Winter is so hard on us. Winter is one of the harshest seasons. I hate the winter so much for reasons. I need to feel you both right now.

Maybe it's seasonal depression. We're a lot like crops. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like an onion because I have layers. Remember that movie? You honestly, Pat, you might have zero layers. The least layers.

I think maybe you're right. You might be an apple. I was doing a Shrek. I think I'm just, yeah. It's skin. and then everything else. You might, maybe maybe not even,

maybe a balloon. They're like a, a mushroom. Like, uh, the same all the way through. A rock. He might be a man with the least layers I've ever known in my entire life.

That's not true. Name one of your layers. My poetry. You don't write poetry. You are not an onion. Yes, I am. And that's, that's no slight on you you you have no idea how deep i can be okay here

this is something profound right now what if what if i died right now that's not profound that's not profound at all oh i said that four minutes ago you're not dead you're just out of this the fucking screen wait is he dead hey pat are you okay pat seriously i need you to say you're okay right now hey hey hey pat pat pat pat Pat. Oh, he's moving! Patrick? He's drinking water.

A ghost. He didn't, you don't become a goat. How fast do you think you become a ghost? I'm convulsing from my COVID symptoms. Instantly, you think? Definitely. What? You think it has to, like, load?

It's just a ghost. It flies out. Okay. I'm back alive, by the way. It just shoots out of it. I feel like it doesn't shoot out of you in a moment you die. It flies out like an automatic pitching machine. There's got to be some transition. where you're just like in your body but it's dead and you're like that's called dying

fuck i'm dead what's the second you're dead your ghost shoots out of you like a bullet all right where does it shoot out from your mouth that just isn't true it would break your teeth okay your heart it would break your heart and put a hole in your body it's see-through it doesn't break things you know it breaks my heart what all the pain in the world okay you earned you just earned your first layer. You're now a rock in a bag. A rock. It's a ran wrap. You're now an onion that you open one layer of and there's a rock inside. And you've ruined dinner. So thanks a lot. Yeah. When I found out that my roommate tested positive, I was at the, I was at the skate park and there was just like this COVID truth or pro skater there.

This guy Bobby Puleo. He sounds awesome. Yeah, he's actually sick. But I told my friends, I was like, hey, I got to go. My roommate tested positive. And he went, oh, hell yeah, get some. I was like, did he just tell me to go get COVID? I think I did it for him.

I think I got. That guy's a beast. Yeah, I think I got COVID for Bobby Pooleo. Yeah, he sounds beasted. did I ever show he somehow his name got sold to some like Chinese company and now there's like a shit ton of bootlegs

that like bootleg children skateboards that have his full name on them and it's like a picture of like a shark that's really cool that's sick I wish that would happen to me oh dude I wish too to become famous in China dude

yeah oh right I'd like to you know I haven't googled it I haven't looked into anything I'd like to think I already am yeah you might be I won't really know until I head over there in about 10 years to make my new life. But I'd like to think that people are going to know me when I step off the plane. What I really want to do one, like, I want to do one of those, you know, this like,

like imagine, imagine this. I'm sending the link right here. Imagine this, but it just says your name on it. Okay, let's see this here. I'm going to look at this. Okay. Yeah, that would be really sick. That's really cool.

It looks, it's, you know what, I'll say this much. it looks like that's the name of the shark. Right. Which is a high... I would also love to have a shark named after me. Yeah, either one is fine with me. Being famous in China or having a shark named after me. That's about it.

So tight. You know, if anybody is a marine biologist at the highest level and is in charge of naming... And wants the name a shark after us? Can you please name some kind of shark after a individual person? You know, there's like they have shark trackers that are like the Santa tracker where you can just see where all the sharks are in the ocean. I look at it every day to make sure they're not. not anywhere near

that's what my dad does that would be so scary to open the shark tracker and be like as a lark oh this is cool it's next door it's in your house yeah it's in your kitchen

he literally does that though he opens up he sees how many sharks are in Cape Cod the thing is I think that like a shark is so powerful I feel like if I walked into my bathroom and there's a shark in my bathtub it might it might win

you know what I mean duh but like it's not like Like, it's in, like, just the smallest amount of water, but I still feel like it would win. Yeah, but then it, I guess we'd both die probably if it got out of the bath. Dude, yeah, if I had a shark in my, in my bathroom, I'd feed it some chum. You don't have, what is chum? Dead fish.

Hold on. It is. Yeah, Plankton was wrong as hell for putting that in his restaurant. What is chum then? Says a friend or companion. All right, you know what? You've bested me. Yeah, that's a good point.

You just got mentally chest. Uh-huh. I don't know if Bobby Lee is a COVID strether, but still a sick guy. That's right. You just got mentally challenged you and won't. Oh, you know what I watched last night that I haven't watched so long? I watched Wild and Out. Oh, dude.

Did you watch the Andy Milanakis episode? Okay. That was like... That just been on for 15 years and I watched one episode. I forgot that it's been on for 15 years. No, it was not the... No, it was the Amber Rose episode. Oh, okay.

But that... They are so bad at rapping on that show. You need to audition, dude. I need to do that the entire time I was losing it. I was like, bro, put me in, coach. Oh, my God. Tag me in. We got to get you on Wilden out.

That would be so sick. I'll be crushing it, bro. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was like thinking of, I was like doctoring all the verses as they were, as they were spitting him, dude. Yeah. God, I'm so hip-hop. It's crazy. You are pretty hip-hop. Dude, I would, I would honestly, I would beast on Nick Cannon.

Yeah? Yeah. Big him. Never mind. Bang him? No. Is that what you said? No.

You can't go too far and you just make fun of his kid that just died. Oh, I forgot he has a dead kid. Dude, I'm sorry, I'm just thinking of, I'm not laughing at a dead kid. What's wrong with you? What's the wrong with you? Have you seen that, like, it was like the article? It's the article, it's the photo where it's like... The photo of the dead kid and that's what you're laughing about right now.

Nick Cannon loses five-year-old child and it's like a photo of like Nick Cannon posted up somewhere. It's so fucking funny. Yeah, no, that is a funny photo. It's pretty good. Yeah, no, it's really funny when a five-year-old child does. No, he's five months old. Yeah, that's even funny. And you know what's even funnier?

brain tumor exploding his head. Yeah, sure, Pat. That's great. That's right. His brain drowning in his own blood. Yeah, that's really, really funny. I'm so congested. I can't hear you guys making fun of me.

It looks like when you crack an egg and there's two yolks in there. I'm sorry, can't hear you guys. Pat, what's wrong with you talking about this stuff? No, it's really funny when his pieces of his brain fell out of his ears like spaghetti. It was hilarious when his kid's head blew up like a white. water balloon, you leave on the faucet too long. That was great. I'm just saying, and it was really funny when Nick Cannon rapped about it.

I'm saying it would be funny to go into that and then try to make actual beef. You wanted to make actual beef out of a baby's meat. Going into the wild and out thing. What is wrong with you, Pat? What is your problem? You're going to make beef patties out of a child's brain? No. First of all, it wouldn't taste good because of the tumor.

Yeah. And because he was stupid. You fucking... I just got bad news. You're so... You're wrong for that. I got... I have Delta, too, and I spread it to you, too.

That's tight. I don't care. Just shut up. I'm not saying that it's funny that this is true. But if you ate... If you ate Nicky... Canaan's baby's brains out of his head, you'd become stupider instead of smarter

because of how dumb his baby was. Are you doing a Wilden Out right now? What? Oh, my God. Drop the beat. Bits-a-p-p-s-p-s-p-ch-bts-pud-ch-Bch-Bch-Bch-Bch-Bch. To double-beat special at Wilden-Otout. Why aren't you doing anything?

I'm just listening to the beats. Have you never seen Wilden-out camera? I just like the beats. But they're just fun. I'm just doing You're supposed to sing You're supposed to do I forget what the game is

I'm gonna get up to the mic At the while now Some guy's gonna call me bald and ugly or whatever And then I'm gonna go up and I go Oh Oh my Oh Oh

Yeah So I'm pretty much the best singer in the world You really heard my feelings You really heard my feelings I'm not bald And then I show them One hair One long hair

That I grow like a pad a water You audition wearing You audition wearing like a wig Honestly if I go to a while now I'm wearing like a full like WaveCamp Spirit Halloween Gene Simmons outfit

I'm gonna wear the Jean Simmons Samin's hair I'm gonna have the like shitty That's better than what I said entire suit and brown shoes with the black leather Oh did I ever

That would be so tight dude Do you guys ever see I was Gene Simmons for Halloween when I was 11 Did I ever show you guys that? Oh yeah I've seen that picture Yeah Gene Simmons

Or zero suit Gene Simmons I was I was Gene Simmons But like the only thing My mom My mom bought an Afro wig And she did my makeup Like she did the Gene Simmons makeup really good

But that was the only good part of the costume she got me The black diamonds are way too big and I wore an afro I wore an afro wig that she was like oh I'll just like put a ponytail in it because see that's how he like used it

but it's like you can't fucking do that so I'm just in jeet Simmons makeup with an afro wig and I'm wearing a cape and I'm wearing like my school clothes under it that's pretty cool that's sick what's the best Halloween costume you guys ever did

Skeleton you guys want to see you want to see You want to you guys want to see my really cool Skellison costume? I've seen the senior year of high school. Huh? Haven't I seen it? Oh, it is on my fridge. I'm going to pull it up anyway. This is the best Halloween costume. I'll never top this in my life. You'll never

top this in your life. I'm going to top you so hard. You're not going to top me. Oh my God. I'm on another level. I'm on the second story. I can't find it. You guys can imagine how cool it is. I'm trying to think of the good ones I had. I was I was a, I talked about this, I was a Rastafarian

Kung Fu Master. I was a one time. I was a werewolf. I was a double, doubly offensive costume. I wore the, I wore the Jamaican cap with the fake dreadlocks and also a, Whoa. That looks sick, Kim. It's so cool.

That does look pretty fucking cool. Damn. What else was like for Halloween? That's the one that stuck in my head the most, I think. Oh, I went, I wore a white t-shirt. one year and I wrote the F word on it. No. Which one? Not, not, no, I wrote

like the, and then parentheses F word, meaning fuck, and then I didn't think about it because I was like, oh, I'm going as the word fuck, but like I'm going as the F word and then like didn't realize I was just, yeah, yeah, just going around with a shirt that says F-A-G-I-T on it.

Yeah, and basically an arrow pointing at your head. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. An arrow pointing at your head, that's how they used to mug people back in the medieval times.

They step out of a dark alley, an elf with a giant longbow. A vast G. Yeah, I would say. I'm here it is. Yeah. Halt. I have to download this file now. Honestly, you're right.

Mugging was probably so easy to get away from. Well, mugs. Mugging was probably easier back then. Mugging was not profitable until, like, like, fucking 40 years ago. The thing about, the thing about fucking mugging is, like, like, highwaymen in the West. It used to be that you could mug somebody who was in a car. Like, they're like riding a horse and carriage, and you walk up to them and say, stop, I'm going to steal from you. And they'd be like, okay.

Yeah, because, like, you can easily kill my car. That's the tough part. If you have a mortal car, that's how he came up with normal cars. But it's so funny to imagine, like, you're in your car nowadays, and a guy comes up to you wearing, like, a Zoro mask, and is like, I'm going to rob you. And he's running perfectly, like, at pace with your car at 60 miles an hour. It's like a self-driving Tesla, and he's, like, walking up to it.

Yeah, exactly. That's why they need to put a machine gun in new cars. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing. If your car is self-driving, no reason you can. couldn't put a fucking, a mini gun. Yeah, they need the Breaking Bad gun and all Tesla's. That would be, I mean, that's, I bet that's why they explode is it's, that's a weaponry thing.

True. It's probably programmed to just, if they see somebody wearing white and black stripes nearby, they instantly blow up in case you have any gold bars in the trunk. I'm imagining like a nightclub where the, it says dress code, like, no, like, large t-shirts, no, like, large t-shirts, no, gang colors. No black and white stripes in a small black mask that covers just your eye. No giant bags with dollar signs on them.

Yeah. No snapping as you walk. Yeah. Is that a thing in the north where they make it to chat burglars? Yeah. No, that clubs, you can't wear like a big white t-shirt in them? Um, I don't know. I've, I've never been clubbing before my life. Every, like, bar in the south has a sign that he's like, no, like, no, like, no Jordans. No phones that are on cricket wireless.

Oh, there was. No backwards hats. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, in-your-face attitudes. No. No, no, no political lyricism. Yeah. All right. No hollin. No hollering. A. Bebebe. in this club. Yeah, dude, it's kind of fucking hilarious.

Every bar in my hometown has some sign like that. Dude, the fucking, the place we went to in Atlantic City. Oh, yeah. They had, they had, when we stayed there. What was that? The dome or something it was called? Yeah. A pool after dark.

Pool after dark, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, because I was nervous because, like, I went in there. I was in the all-white suit. Yeah, I know you were in the all-white club. I was in an all-white club. I was in it all. It was at all. That's not true. That was not all. Why did you say that, Pat? Did you not, did you, did you ignore the other people?

I don't. I don't have. Did you pretend they didn't exist to that bad of brain fog? You can't manipulate me like this. I'm going to manipulate you so hard. I think that you're probably going to end up with long COVID. No, that's not real. Yeah, you, yeah, I bet it's not. That's not real. You're going to get it, dude. Long COVID's not real. You're going to be like this forever. COVID isn't real. Oh, what, how I'm already, how I already am. What are you talking about? Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm going to bank on this.

Tomorrow you're going to wake up and you're going to feel just a little bit weird and you're going to feel like that for the rest of your life. Long COVID is so funny because it's like my six-y, my beers today already. I'm obviously going to feel weird tomorrow. Long COVID is like my 60-year-old dad got COVID, and once he got better, he breathes heavily when he walks up the stairs. Right. I think he has a permanent syndrome.

Which is long COVID. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I think I almost certainly have it. I'm not saying, Jubio's leaving tomorrow. I'm not saying by tonight,

I don't think, because I'm worried that I have. Now I think I do. Now that what Pat told me about, that it's just a cold, I think I do probably. You need to go upstairs, need to lick all your mom's food.

I gave it to so many people in Dunkin' Donuts this morning. You need to lick every fucking glass in the pantry. There was a homeless guy, there was a homeless guy in Dunkin' Donuts this morning. who straight up had vampire fangs.

You can't. He just had, he, he had two really long teeth that were, that were, that were, if you're in Dunkin' Donuts. I didn't get it in Dunkin' Donuts. No, you can't. From you, fucking asshole. No, that's what I'm saying. You don't worry about that, because you, if you go in there, you're not giving it to

anybody, you can't catch it in there. It's a safe zone. That's true. Yeah. It's like home base. It's a spawn zone. Yeah. Do the Duncan's in, in Mass still have, a lot of the ones that I used to go to had, uh,

they had Duncan, like, branded ATMs in them? I think so. I don't know, because I always got that cash on me. Damn. But where do you get it from? My mom? My mummy. I got it from me, mommy.

I got the cash on me, mummy. It's kind of, I, I, I would, Duncan should just open a bank, man. Yeah, dude. That would be sick. I would switch over immediately. I would literally. If I could have a fucking debit card That just looked like a Dunkin gift card

They have to have a Dunkin credit card, right? I might actually try and order a Dunkin' Donuts picture. You can put anything on your credit card, yeah. Yeah, I might try and do that. Because, dude, it's the best. Dude, you know what'd be sick. What, right? Wait.

So the Dunkin' Donuts Bank, right? It gives you 10% cash back on Dunkin' Donuts. Okay, here's my idea. gives you 20% cash back on Dunkin' Donuts. 100% cash back and I'm not going any lower. 110% cashback. Yeah, 300% cash back on Dunkin' Donuts purchases. Oh, holy shit, dude.

What? Duncan Donuts has a black card. What? No way. It's a special gift card that they give to celebrities. Oh, you know who got one of those for sure? B.J. Novak, it says. Ben Affleck, probably.

I was just about to say B.J. Novak. Dude, the second paragraph here is... Mark Wahlberg, for sure. Celebrities like B.J. Novak shows off their top-tiered donkey donut status. Dude, I feel like it's a must, right? I want one so bad. Now that I know this exists, I'm not going to arrest. What fucking podcast reps Boston more than us?

True. Literally, we're the only ones. Yeah. Fuck on this. This is... Barstool shit? No, Dave Portnoe, you don't rep Boston. We do.

That's right. I'm starting to second beat. Yeah, unless you guys want to buy us out. It says you don't have to be a celebrity to get a Duncan black card. Duncan Superfants have been awarded the card for other things, including becoming the one millionth member in Duncan's loyalty program, and simply being a frequent visitor at the chain. So I feel like...

Okay, I'll be the two millionth member. Pat can be the three millionth, and Caleb be the four millionth. And we'll each get one, we'll get them... I'll buy one that way. Two million members? You're not from here. So? You're an intruder.

I'm not. an intruder. I'm a Dunkin loyalist. I eat a Dunkin across the street this morning. You're an intruder. You're a colonizer. Not an intruder. Okay. I like the sound of that actually. Yeah. Damn, that sneeze just cleared me out. That's crazy. That's cool. All right. Have you done this yet? Huh? That was a big sneeze. No, we do it again. We have a list today. Um, yeah. What is it? I sent it in the chat at the beginning. Um, this is... Well, you say the title for the fans. I'm going to, chill out. Oh my God, let me do my

intro here. Sing the title. I'll sing the title if you let me do my intro. And make it a Christmas the tune. That's what I'm going to do. Make it. Okay. Hey guys, it's Christmas week here at Podcast About List.

And we're so excited to do two Christmas-themed episodes for Christmas week. That's right. It's Christmas week. Today's the first day of Christmas week here at Podcast About List. So why don't we jump on right into it with the first list of Christmas week on the first day of Christmas week? Wednesday, the 22nd. From the top tens.com, this is by user Moldy Sock, this list for the first week of Christmas,

week is called Most Embarrassing Presents to Get for Christmas. That's right. Mm-hmm. That's right. You didn't sing it. Most embarrassing

presents to get for Christmas. What song is that supposed to be? Number one is underwear. I have a... I need more underwear so bad. Do you guys have an underwear aunt? If anyone wants to send me... I got someone right now.

If anyone wants to send me one... If anyone wants to send me 1,000 pairs of beautiful, expensive underwear. Nobody wants to do that. If anyone does... There's going to be bad stipulations to that agreement. If maybe like a 300-pound sugar mama from...

What? From the South. What is it? What are you saying? I'm trying to recruit a sugar mama right now for Christmas. It sounds like you're trying to recruit Tyler Perry to send you a bunch of underwear. And it sounds like you're giving away my fucking...

and plan. Do you guys have an, I have an aunt that always gives me underwear. Yeah. It's the best, I guess, the best solitizing grown ass, man. Well, here we, let me, let's read what the comments have to say about underwear, because I think they would disagree with you here about it being the best gift. There's the top comment. If I get a pair, I say I won't wear it, so my parents say I have to.

Then I will pour we in them to not wear them, and they will take them away, but then they make me wear a nappy. But I think that is better than some underwear. I think this guy might have the worst life ever That's a horrible situation Dude I haven't done any laundry And I'm down to my last pair underwear Yeah

And I don't know if I can go and do my laundry You know that you're gonna be in your house For the next two weeks, just wear sweatpants Yeah, I know, but my Yeah, that's true You don't have to wear underwear You know what I don't own Nobody's doing a nappy check on you

You know what I don't own is sweatpants Oh, you got to order some, brother Yeah, I know, I literally right now Never, never bought a pair of sweatpants That's crazy Why not? I don't like sweatpants, dude If I wear, if I wear sweatpants or

Pajama pants, I can't Like, well, I mean You can't leave your house? Yeah, that's a fucking point! I won't leave my bed That's fine. You have There's nothing, you're, you have your bed in your computer for the next two weeks. Yeah, that's true. God damn it, dude.

I already want to kill myself. You should play, you should play... Just fucking kill yourself. It's fine. Just do it. It'll be over really fast. It'll hurt really, really bad, and then it'll be... It will hurt forever.

It'll hurt, but you'll be stuck in that as a loop forever. It's the moment or the amount of pain you're in when you die is how much pain you're in. It's your punishment for sinning. Yeah. That's what they don't tell you. That's what I get. This one's a script. So, um...

Okay. Patrick, you'll play boy. Oh. Caleb, you can play behind boy. Pause. And I'll play everyone. We already know. You want to be everyone?

Too late. Oh, God. Back to school day. I'm going to take off my pants so you could see my Dora underwear's. No. Takes off pants. Ah. You want to see Dora stickers on my butt.

We already see it. That's behind a boy. Yeah. That's from Jay's top ten list. It's a pretty good script, man. It is a pretty good. I think I'd like to be big out. option this. Yeah, I think A-24

could do something really beautiful with this. Oh, oh my God, could you imagine? Yeah. And they'd call it Behind Boy, and it would make so much money. I'd already think of a theme song. Michael Chickles plays Behind Boy. Yeah. People, yeah. Arri Aster

directs. Uh-huh. Right? It's called Back to School Day. It's called Behind Boy. Boy. Boy is played by Steve Carell. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. People will be buying... One of his dramatic roles. People will be buying... I can see the trailer now.

Branded Razor scooters. Yeah. It's an 824 movie. The trailer would have no... No voiceover at all. The boy pulling down his pants would be, like, rhythmic to the music. They'd play that children's choir version of creep, right?

Uh-huh. And then fucking the guy from the Naked Brothers band would say, you want to see my door a story? stickers on my butt and it would go ding ding we already see it damn behind boy oh my god that's so crazy that would be really cool that would also be a great movie that would be a good movie this next one would be a good movie too what are you supposed to say in front of everyone when presented with a pink lacy number from your uncle cecil well they are not actually by size unc but

Thanks anyway. Awkward. Ha-ha. I love calling my uncle, hunk. Yep. Oh, dude. I didn't get to say that enough as a child. Bro, I won't get to see it. Bro, if COVID shuts me down, locks me down, fucking anchors me, I won't get to see Matt. Oh, dog. For Christmas. Damn. I'll miss him coming up to me on the 1st of January saying, I haven't seen you since next year. Last year.

He always misses it up the first time. Damn. Someone I know recently got SpongeBob underwear. Seriously. He just ran a mile after that. If you got that SpongeBob underwear, you know you're going to get clown at the playground whenever on underwear did.

This comment is really good. You call that bad? How about fishing for floaters, poo fishing game? Is that a real thing? I have no idea. Is that a real game? I hope that's not a real game.

I think you should check. Oh, that's a real game. game, yeah. Fishing for floaters. It's a little, uh, yeah, dude, it's a, it's a, you put it, it's turds you put in a bathtub. Oh, man, they're making, they're making doogie games now? They did make a dukeye game. Back in my day, dukey was something you just left on the ground. Yeah.

Now it's a whole game? Dukey was something you throw out of your, your window. That's just, when you're done with it. Back in my day, it was something you let roll down your leg in the grocery store. Back in my day, your mom got mad if you had Duky in the bathtub. Now you get a prize. Now she wants it. Now she buys it for you? What kind of bullshit it is?

Now you get it on Christmas. I do remember, I have a very clear memory of when I was like three or four maybe. And my younger brothers, like, was, I used to like two, I guess. My mom put us in the bathtub at the same time. and I took a dukey in the bathtub and then blamed it on him because he couldn't speak English. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I've never... There's a floating poop and I was like, what the hell, Levi? You fucking shit in the bathtub, man. I'd never pooped in a tub. Me neither. I would highly recommend it. It immediately cleans your ass.

Does it feel like a home birth? You know what that feels like? I would say it feels exactly like the other water birth that I've done. Yeah, well, that's good You ever taking a doo-doo in the ocean? No No, my cousin did that once

Not in the ocean If you do that, it'll attract a fish Come eat it out of you My cousin was told to go to the bathroom And then she dropped trow And just like started pooping onto the water I'd be afraid I attracted a great brown shark Yeah

Me too It smells it There's Duky in this water Yeah Comes up, starts eating my butt out of the floating. The poop shark, dude. Yeah. Pretty scary.

The Duke Eel. Remember that shark from Zoo Books? The Zoo Books commercial? It's the shark that, like, stays flat on the ground. Remember Super Mario Land? I don't know what Zoo Books is. It's like, it's like a shark that, like, sits in the sand. Remember colored ketchup?

Fuck you. Shut up. Yeah. It's a shark with, like, a big mouth, and it just, like, inhales fish into its spot. We're riding our bikes. Can you play that Uncle Adams song? Unc Adams. Go to the last comment on underwear.

I have some exciting news. Oh my God, another script? It's a sequel. Holy shit. To Behind Boy, the hit A-24 film. There's four parts in this. Me, everyone, Boy, and Jacob. Well, I was just going to say, imagine that Zubook Shark in Hailing Your Dookie

Out of your butt for your. you. Come on. That's nasty. All right. Okay, if I have to, I'll play me. I guess. Okay.

Caleb, you want it to be everyone so bad. You'll be everyone this time. I guess I'll be boy and Jacob. I'm going to take off my pants so you could see my Donkey Kong underwear. No! Too bad takes off pants. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. There's a...

Sorry, this person, whoever wrote this... You're supposed to say cut. Yeah, cut. There's dire need of a script supervisor here Halfway through the script Me changes to boy It's two different characters I don't think that's two different characters

Can have Donkey Kong stickers on their butt No okay can we take this from the top please We don't we need to get this It doesn't make sense No listen we've been shooting all day Okay we are hemorrhaging money We it's cost so much fucking money To have Michael Chickles on set

Okay, we cannot do another take of this. The studio okayed this, a sequel to the Palm to Orr winning Behind Boy. All right. All right, the sequel to Behind Boy, Jacob, it's called Jacob, Colin Donkey Kong. Yeah, it's got to be Jacob. No, the tagline is this time it's Donkey Kong. Yeah, they get a comedian to play a serious role here. They get Jim Gaffigan plays Jacob.

Okay. All right. I'll... Keep that in mind for the line reading. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Here we go.

And action. I'm going to take off my pants so you could see my donkey Kong underwear. No! Too bad. Takes off pants. What the hell? Wait, which one... It's boy.

Your boy. Dude, it... Seriously, it makes more sense if you read that line. There's too... Clearly it's different. There's a difference between me and boy here. I'll be everyone because boys I mean everyone is such a

Everyone kind of includes a lot of people Okay Okay So yeah this line you're having trouble with Pat You don't have to read it anymore All right It just it makes no From the top

From the top Shah! Shoshosh Maybe I just don't understand the avant-garde No craft services for you today Ah! I'm going to take off my pants So you could see my donkey Kong underwear

No Too bad! takes off pants what the hell you want to see my Donkey Kong stickers on my butt we already see it see it

it makes more sense Kim it makes more sense if you read the donkey Kong stickers I didn't write the fucking script our job is to do what the director and writer want us to do okay okay alright I'm just saying

my orders we got the take okay and I can't I can't go against Mr. Astor he's Ari Astor he's Arri Astaire Ever heard of him? No. I'm just saying...

He told me, me and boy are two different characters, okay? I'm not going to go against him. I'm not putting my neck out on that shopping block. You can't if you want. I just don't understand this. But I'm not going to be responsible for that. I don't understand. Also, you need to gain 500 pounds for this role.

Yeah. I'm already halfway there. You need to gain... No, you need even more. Yeah? I need you to get... Ari, sorry. Ari needs you to get really humongously fat.

for this role right now okay i'll do my best okay well that's all we can ask right number two a sex education book real quick how cool would that be to be get cast in something where they're like we want to pay you 10 million dollars yeah to eat every everything you've ever wanted that would be sick for for eight months you to eat butter we need you to eat butter we need you to eat milkshakes with with olive oil in them. That'd be so incredible. That would be tight. I need to become a character actor.

Yeah. It'd be funny to get to, for them to like hire you to play a fat guy and you're like, okay, we're just going to give you a fat suit and like prosthetics and stuff. And you'd be like, no, I want to bulk up for this.

Like, I want to do it method. I want to be real. And you just die. Yeah. I always do. Whenever like Christian Bale talks about like for the machinist, he ate like a can of tuna and an apple

and that was all he ate every day. for like months. It's like how, I couldn't, I would die. Yeah, me too. I don't have an actor's soul. These people are unkillable, man. Lady Gaga, also, Lady Gaga did the female version. She gained 15 pounds.

Like that, how did that not kill her? Christian Bail, I mean, Christian Bail is British, so he has Oliver Twist DNA in him. That's true, yeah. He can sit there and ask for more, but he's not getting it. Lady Gaga, that bitch ate Oliver Twist. Yeah, her cheese twist. She looks fat as shit in this new movie.

You better not say that That's so wrong I'm just saying You better not say that She's more like She's more like Lady Big Big Yep

Yep Yep Yep Yep Yep Yep Yep Yeah

Yeah Yeah Lady Gaga More like Lady Gaga More like lady She she she is so heavy Okay Number two, a sex education book, the top comment,

no kids should be knowing that kind of stuff. That can lead to them being addicted to it, and it can cause harm to them. True. Did you guys ever have a sex book that your parents gave you, that made you learn about sex? No, my parents just let me do whatever I wanted on the computer. Really?

Yeah, I mean, I definitely are, yeah, but the point I got the book I already knew. My mom gave me a book that had a, I think I knew it's sex. was from friends and then my mom gave me a book and it's it had like fucking actual photos of chickens having sex whoa yeah so now i look now i like that i got there was a chap it was like it was a chapter that was about like girls or whatever like awesome yeah like you send me the pdf well that was it was like and and i like obviously i got the book and that was the first thing

i looked at i just skipped to girls and yeah the literally the first thing that line of that chapter was like you probably just opened this book to this page right going to the table of content it comes so good dude I was like I was like I'm back to the beginning Pussy

I think I asked dude I was in it I was ready I think I asked my parents like when are we like as a joke like oh like when are we going to have the talk and my dad was like I know damn well

you already know all about that shit and just did not want to talk to me about it. Swag. Here's another comment. I'm under 13 and was once a Nicky Manage fan. Do not get me started.

Facts. Me too. I'll hear about sex from the Anaconda video. Pat's responding right now saying, OMG, me too. Omg, me too. Hit me on telegram. I'm going to leave the call.

You can't leave the call. I'm leaving the call. Nope. You're not allowed. Oh, number three is cold. Wait, hold of there's... Look at the last comment on that last one. Read it.

Wow, look at all the pictures. That's disgusting. Did you guys have sex ed in, like, school? Yeah, we did, and they had, like, you know how they have the anonymous question box? Yeah. Yeah, they got... We had a different kind of box in my sex head. Yeah.

Yeah, the teachers. The anonymous teachers box. Dan, yeah, there's a glory hole. You put your hand in like the Dune box. I honestly, I remember, I'm sure everybody. Oh, man, I'm holding a different kind of needle at her throat, if you know what I'm talking about. Yes, sir. That's my cum jabbar, baby.

And one prick from this, you die instantly. I'm sure every, every person, as a boy in middle school can relate to this but I really heard that we were doing sex ed and I was 40% sure that it was gonna, they were gonna pair us off and let us have sex

with our crushes. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I did not think that. Now it's time for a live instruction. That's right. Yeah. Now it's time for Lisa Ann, your sex ed teacher, to come in and fart on your stuff. Can all the ugly girls please leave the room for this next lesson?

Just the girls. Yeah, all the guys that are Good Men, you're awesome Ladies, you might have to work We know that you're good in your heart Yeah We have an odd number So there might need to be

Citrios Yeah They get, yeah Well, you guys are going on You guys are going on a field trip To the McDonald's to learn how it's run Yeah Yeah, it should

On a field trip to Macy's you guys are going to get to hang up behind the counter and see our catch you know what sex ed should have been what sex ed should have been everybody in the class loading up into a magic school bus and then just going into one kid's dick

yeah that would have been funny that's what they did in the show just ruin his life yeah yeah everybody in the class saw the inside of his penis and the outside oh yeah then they know the size too

I would be farting so much in there yeah I honestly would love to just destroy his penis penis with my fards. I'd be doing graffiti and farting and... Yeah. I would not lick the inside of the wall. I don't want to know what that tastes like. I wouldn't taste the wall and see what it tastes like that.

Brandon's fucking... Brandon's dick? I would call out sick that day. I ain't going in no man's penis. And I may have a disposable camera with me, but it's staying in my pocket. I won't take a single picture. But I don't know how to stop it from making the flash, so that's not my fault. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. And I might try and put an Xbox controller in my underwear and have my friend hit me in Halo a bunch of time So I'm in there, but it's because it's funny That's right I might have somebody take off my shields in Halo So that I get that rumble As a joke, so that it sounds like I'm farting

Yeah Yeah, and I might carve my name in a heart Plus Brandon's name on the walls of his penis Like an old oak tree But it's just as a a joke and I definitely won't be skateboarding

around it I'm not gonna grind on his fucking ureth that's what you're asking no definitely that doesn't even make sense yeah it's not gonna play Superman

it's not gonna play goldfinger Superman it's not gonna play I'm doing a loop to loop around a vein it's not gonna play if I go crazy then will you still call me

Superman that's a good song damn yes sir if I go crazy then will you They had the... They had the anonymous question box in my sex egg class

And they got rid of it Because there was one kid in my class Who kept asking questions like If I accidentally leave, come on the toilet seat Will I get my mom pregnant? It's a very romantic question It's also a valid question Also, asking it over and over is the funniest part

It's just like having like some kind of toilet baby Well also how bad does your mom have to be Literally a month long panic attack Yeah Yeah How bad does your mom have to be at sitting on the fucking toilet That she slushes her pussy The whole seat gets up there

She's got to be doing that on purpose man Yeah There's no way she saw it And she was like hmm maybe that's that's Ashton Couchers Number three is coal Yeah Embarrassing for sure Yeah

I would hate to get coal Oh I don't hate to get coal fuel all my trains Here's what I would do Okay you guys Cam you be the You be my brother Okay It was good for Christmas

Okay I've just opened my present And I pull out a chunk of coal Oh It's coal She got to react Serves you right Serge me right What do you mean

I asked for Cole I love Cole And I ask for it for Christmas And see that's how you keep it From being embarrassing Oh okay I get it now I get the scenario

Okay it took me a second there That's a thinker Yeah it is a thinker Yeah That's a little bit of a twist Yeah it does have a twist On the Christmas format Yeah

Yeah I ask for Cole every year so that when I'm naughty, I don't even know. Yeah, I'm saying it's like, I've been saving it up. You've been naughty, you're getting your new, you're getting a brand new RC car. Oh, shit, I hate RC cars.

Yeah, and you'll probably hate that it looks like a shark and it can go in water or land. Are you... Oh, that's my least favorite feature. And you'll probably be livid that it can fly with a helicopter rotor. You have to be kidding me. Wait, is it sold-s,

Separately, or did I get it too? And you're going to hate this triphibian car with batteries included. Yeah, and you're going to hate that it's got a picture of Thanos on it. You're going to hate that the most. Uh-huh. Oh, I just wanted coal for Christmas. Yeah, and that's how you teach a kid a lesson. Mm-hmm.

That's how you teach Santa a lesson, dude. Number four is deodorant. Here's a comment from Positron Wild Talk. A complimentary gift, I'm certain. Whoa, Positron Wildhawk showed up. My man. It's a bit of an intellectual comment there. Well, he's an intellectual.

Yeah. Yeah. Number five, Justin Bieber's CD. Wow. Just what I wanted. I'll play it once and throw it into the fireplace to show it how much I love it. Canadians make terrible music, someone says. I prefer dubstep anyway.

That's what someone says. Yeah. Facts. You all heard scary spray. Sprites and freaky... Scary sprites and freaky sprites. Yeah, scary sprites and sprites with evil red eyes. That's a really scary song.

The drop is crazy. The part when it goes... The part when it goes like this... Right before it gets really loud. That part's... That's my favorite part. When it goes... The part right after the

But before the Wow, That's the best part Yeah, that's the other part Where it's like this Yeah Or sometimes it's like this Or like a funny sound

Wob, wwob, waw, boob I don't like that Wob shit. Dubset should just be the part where it's like Yeah I like the beginning When it's like,

Are you waiting for My cinema? That part's the best part of the song My favorite part of DJ sets is when my favorite song gets quieter. Yeah. And then my second favorite song. And then it sounds like like Bowser, Bowser's making a noise. Yeah.

I love, yeah, I love DJs, but I hate that scratching. Yeah. Knock it off with that scratching. You're ruining the disc. Why? I didn't buy this, I didn't come here to listen to my favorite songs to be scratched and disrespected. That's right. I came here to, honestly, the perfect DJ.

literally walks up to a computer, a MacBook Pro, that has the wrap caviar playlist from Spotify loaded on it. And you know what he does? He presses space bar, and he plays it all the way through. Because you know that rap caviar shit gives me more... That wrap caviar shit, fire is hell. It gets me more turnt than anything. That's right.

Hey, DJs, you better stop scratching. If I wanted to hear... If I wanted to hear Wiki Wiki Wiki, Wiki, Wiki, I'd read out my Google Chrome tabs at 3am. Am I right, guys? Yes, sir. Pretty good, right? Holy shit. Would that roast a DJ if I told that to it?

Hey, DJs, if I wanted to hear Scratch, I would, I would, uh... I'd go to my middle school computer class. That's what I was going to say. Yeah. Got to it first. I was gonna fucking, God damn it, man. Took you so long. Give me like a couple seconds to load.

Yeah. No. You think you're so cool rubbing on those records. Why don't you try it with a DVD? Huh? Yep. See how that pans out for you. Fucking idiot.

Halfway through my favorite movie. Right? The Wachowski Speed Racer. Halfway through that all of a sudden we're back at the beginning for no reason. I'd fucking kill your ass. Yeah. You'd be the worst projectionist of all time. Yeah.

Hey, you want to turn some tables. How about you turn that table away from yourself? That's right. That's right. You piece of shit. If I want, yeah. Yeah. Hey. Hey, yeah. Oh, you're on the ones and twos?

Well, that's what I call being on the toilet. So you have a stupid job, bitch. Because you go to one and two when you're on that toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, why don't you get, wait, you're leaning over that machine. Why don't you go slave over some real machines at a factory? Learned a thing or two about a trace. You're sitting there on your laptop.

Gross and muscles. You sit on top of Santa's lap and wish. for a new job. That's right. Bang. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

Sick. Sick-ass people. You crush him, bro. With disgusting lives. You know who's cool, though? Horrible habits. What? Who's cool?

The guy who does, the DJ who's like, drop a hollacks. That's a cool guy. That is a cool guy. That's the only cool DJ. Yeah. If you have a cool DJ drop, you can live. Everybody else.

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Which way would you guys go if you had a DJ drop? Hey, man, you're going to add your trap shit. You're going to add gunshots to a song. I wish I would come add gunshots to you. Yes, sir. And a bomb dropping.

And also, I'm going to reverse your entire life until you're a baby again. What if I came into your life and I started skipping around, huh? You wouldn't like that at all. Oh, all of a sudden you're taking your first steps. Oh, you're taking your last break. Rift now. I'm mashing you up with another guy. Yeah, that's right. You guys are becoming one. Your DNA is combining. Oh, yeah? Hey, how about you meet Steve? This is Steve. You know what Steve does?

That's right. Data entry. Yeah, and now he's stuck to your fucking face. You have the same body now. You're trying to press different buttons on your MPC. What's coming up? What's coming up? Files. That's right. That, and that is how you make the songs feel when you mix up without me by Halsey with with yellow submarine. Uh-huh. Fucking idiot. Why don't you put your headphones all the way on?

Yes, sir. You can't have shit when you do that. What do you got one ear? Only idiots have one ear. What are you going to walk around with pants with only one leg? That's what you look like. And here's another thing. Here's another thing about Steve.

He's a wimp. Yep. And you're attached to a wimp now. So great job. Yeah, great. Oh, good for you in your career. You've got, you got a DJ. A DJ combined with a wimp?

Sounds like just a DJ to me. I don't see any changes. Get him. Yeah. I wish I was in the room so I could high-five you. That's right. Hey, you think you're so tough just because you stand on a platform above the whole crowd. If you're on the ground, they'd rip you apart.

They would tear you apart Day of the Dead style. They'd draw and quarter you, yeah. You'd be sitting there saying choke on them. You know why women are jumping up on people's shoulders? They're trying to kill you, man. They don't like you. They're screaming because they hate you. Their boobs. Their boobs have lasers in them.

And they're aimed right at your face, so don't blink. Yeah. But pretty much DJs are dog shit. Yeah, they suck. Yeah. Number six, a baby nappy. Pretty much DJs are dog shit. There's a mean bastard named Bobby Van Poppin from Team Galaxy, and that's his main present.

Don't know what that means. Number seven. I know exactly what that means. Facts. Yep. That is embarrassing a show. I would hate a baby show DVD. Number 10 is condoms

Have you guys ever watched Have you ever washed a condom And reused it Yeah of course Yeah I found it on the beach This is one of my favorite ones on here Number 11 is book on weight loss

And this is such a good comment This is the last comment on book on weight loss Do they even make these? It's kind of obvious on how to lose weight Facts. Facts. Facts. Also, FAPD you can't read. What's the point of these fucking books, man? Yeah.

Pretty famously, I would say. Number 14, ticket to Fat Camp. If you're overweight, you're more likely going to get this. That's true. That's a good point. Fat Camp still exists. Number 15. He's saying that, he's saying like he's been there, and he forgot. Number 15, a dead bird.

I will put you in jail if you do that. Number 18 is tampons. The top comment is from XX Society's underscore biggest underscore rebel XX. And it's, well, thanks for reminding me about my useless uterus that serves me no purpose

other than to cause me unnecessary pain every month as a child-free female. Wow. Society's biggest rebel. Truly, truly the biggest rebel. Holy shit. Society's biggest rebel is one of the coolest. Yeah.

And with the double X on as... Oh, yeah. That is a... That's pretty good. That is a crazy asses of me. Oh, God. Oh, God. And in front of my brother.

Dot, dot, dot, dot. I hate these, somebody says. If you need them, then this is something nice. Well, number 20, a nightlight. I love nightlights because I'm scared of the dark. I left that comment. Yeah. Number 29 is poop, and the only comment is, I know someone who eats this.

Number 35, kisses from Granny, the only comment, you have to directly get this. It's true, though. That is so true. A box of food. Why would that be bad? Gummy bear. What, that's an awesome gift. Yeah.

A stone. A stone. Well, what if it's the sourc of? A lemon with Anne's smiley face. Okay. Pink bunny suit. That's cool. That is, that's ripping off from a Christmas tail.

Tubby custard making a Christmas travel. And number 69, the last on the list, Fundies. What is that? I don't know. Yup. Fundies? But it doesn't sound like a very good thing to get for Christmas. That sounds like fun undies.

That, dearly. That, dear listeners, wraps up the first day of Christmas week on Podcast About List, the thrilling new feature that we're not being paid to premiere this week. And also it wraps up the first two in the behind boy saga. Yes, yeah. Which we will be finishing next week. Okay, bye.