Podcast About List - Ep. 177 - Wordsmith’s Confabulation

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

Fascinating... www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

Come in, come in, come in, and we see your butt. All the counts for the ball list. Every crap monster. Oh, man, we lost our Zoom license. Yeah, in the middle of the last episode. I don't know, Caleb, we didn't even tell you about this. Oh, yeah. I mean, it literally didn't tell us that we lost the Zoom license until the middle of the episode

when it just said, like, five minutes left in your meeting. Yeah. And we have to, like, cut it together. It was maybe the worst episode we ever done. Well, this is good. At least this is the last time we have to do one on here because I'm getting over my COVID and you guys are probably both completely negative, right? Yeah, I would definitely.

Feeling 100%? Yeah, I definitely don't have any COVID at all in my body. Yeah, you guys have been like staying inside, you know, taking care of yourselves. I've been ordering grocery deliveries, so only people that don't matter get exposed. You guys definitely didn't go to what? one of the biggest COVID hotspots in the fucking world and hang out with a bunch of Uber-Eats drivers, right? No. No, I don't even know what you would be talking about.

Yeah, that wouldn't make any sense. Yeah. I mean, even if I did, I'm safe for three months, I think. My scientist friend told me that if you get COVID. Patrick was fucking going around and he was saying like, no, I actually can't get COVID for three months. And we were like, oh, really? And he was like, yeah, this guy I know who's a scientist told me. No, it's not a guy.

You don't have a scientist. I have a scientist friend. Who? Dr. Lisa Bobby? No. You don't know a Lisa Bobby. Yes, I do. No, you don't.

You don't know Lisa Bobby. I know Lisa Bobby. No, you don't. Uh-huh. No. What is she assigned? What's her field of study? COVID-19, actually.

Where'd you go to school? Trager University. Trager University. Okay. Like the smoker? Yes. Okay. Gotcha.

you. They specialize. What are they specializing? In, you know, the thermometers that can detect whether or not you have a fever for COVID. Meet thermometers for people? Yes. You put it right in, it's a, do you put it in your butt in it? Come on, man.

What? Where else is it going to go? Your mouth. Your mouth or ear. Have you guys ever had to take a thermometer in your butt? Well, I didn't have to, but I didn't have to. I did. Not have to, I guess.

Yeah. I didn't have to. I did it by choice. Why? Accuracy. He's lying. Yeah, it is more accurate, supposedly. He's lying.

Yeah, but the problem is it's like one of those like forehead read ones. You shot a laser in your actual. Yeah. It's one of those ones that's like, uh, it's like on an iPad that you can, like, it's the camera on it. You're supposed to line up your face with it. Yeah. No way those. work. How was uh, how was Florida? Oh, dude, it was, it was, it was amazing. It was swagged out.

It was, yeah, it was a YouTuber at original. Uh-huh, dude. That's fucking sick, man. Dude, it was a tuby original that we didn't. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, we stayed it in a Conno Lodge. You stayed it in one? And the door never opened, dude. I don't know. You stayed it in an conno lodge with the door? We stayed it in a Conno Lodge and the door never opened. Did I say stated in? Yeah, you did. I like that you said, and the door never opens. Like, that would make any sense to anyone besides me. Yeah. The door to the hotel room was fucked up and you

had to try and open it like a hundred times Yeah, it's an econo lodge, man. Yeah, but you know, the door never opened. I slept in my clothes both nights. We stayed it there and the door never opened. I just love my little kid friend.

He literally is fucking the second day, he woke me up at like 7 a.m. Because he just woke up and he was like, well, it's time to be awake now. He literally is fucking six years old, dude. He's such a nightmare. That's like, I feel so bad for fucking Neil having to live next to him.

Just hear him just knock on his door if he wakes up too early. Just sitting in the doorway in the middle of the night. Hey, Neil, I threw up. What am I supposed to do? I have done that before. Yeah, I know you have. I knocked on this door to ask him if a sweater looked weird on me. Just interrupting all his meetings and his fucking work shit to be like, should I

should I checkerboard my shirt? shoelaces, is that still cool? I'm actually going to do that now. You should, man. We need to bring that back. Yeah. That shit was so cool. Oh, man.

I miss some people did cool shit with their, with their shoelaces, man. Dude, straight laces? Yeah. Straight laces were straight laces on the etnese, dude? Yeah. That shit was so tight. Cartoon character. Uh-huh.

Unbelievably cool. Dude, I have the next. the next big thing. Huh. Barbed wire shoelace. That's cool. That's pretty cool. You have to tie them with gloves.

I've just tied my shoelaces together. And I hop around. That's a good one. What up? It's pretty much a new. It's a matte brick outside. And this is the new vibe. Mm-hmm.

When I tied my shoes earlier, that shit was a shutter original. Check out my shirt. They're tied together, bro. I tied both my shoes together. What are those shoes that don't have laces? Slip on. The slip-ons.

You know the slip-ons that people always wear? Vans slip-ons? Yeah, those ones. I'm drilling lace holes in those. Yeah. That's smart. That's going to be my big fashion thing. There used to be a-

I'm also, I'm cutting a tongue into them, too. I'm making it, I'm making them look exactly like a normal shoe. Well, the whole shoe is a tongue. No, I'm making them into a normal shoe. Think about that in my laboratory. I'm covering my body and lace is like, and I'm going to be a mummy. Yeah. Yep.

We had lunch, and I was laughing so hard. Like, imagining being, like, going into a restaurant and being like, yeah, I'm actually a food scientist, so I'm going to do just study this food to make sure that it's good. And it's way too hot, first of all. And second of all, the whole vibe is off in here. So I'm going to need to teleport your restaurant back into my food laboratory and do a few updates. We were at some, like, fucking, what was that place called? Pat literally saw a restaurant across the street called Love Child and was like, let's go there. Love Child.

It said it had Cubano. I wanted a Cubano in Tampa. I heard that that's where you go for Cubano's. But it was not an authentic Cuban place. It was not owned by like a five foot tall guy. You mean authentico? Authentico. It was not authentico.

It was very trendy. It was a good lunch. It was good lunch. It was good food. Yeah. But it was not authentic. Yeah. We got...

Dude, they had a vending machine that had a tomagocchi in there. What? Yeah. That's sick. They were a vending machine like for zines and stuff. Yeah, that's fucking stupid.

But yeah, they... We got, what was it? Like, yuca fries or something. And... It came with a purple sauce. Yeah, I, like, picked up the frying. I was joking to Pat going like, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's too hot.

It's too hot. And, like, the waitress was like... Oh, yeah. Dude, you did that, like, three times. Three separate times. Cameron, like, said something. And the waitress was like... right behind him and he didn't know

and like the fucking like you saying like I'm a food scientist she popped up right then she popped up right then was like is everything good over here tell me I missed this trip man because of some fucking stupid

stupid virus that brought me to the very knees of my life brought me to my very knees I was sitting here you have very knees I have very knees and it brought me to them. I was sitting, no, I was in my room.

Jana still is testing negative, so I, we've, I've just been sitting in this room for nine days, just by myself. It's been so awesome, dude. It smells like, it smells like, it's, it's unbelievable. Are you getting meals under the door? No, no, she, she can't, she sucks at cooking, man. I didn't, I didn't make the food. Make the food while she's at work, man. Oh, okay. Yeah. Make the worst food ever. And then I just go back into my room.

I've just been making, like, lentils and shit. I'm just sitting in the room just fucking farting all day long. Dude, you missed our, oh, man, you missed Applebee's. You missed Tampa Appleses. You got, you guys, wait, you guys know how much I love Applebee's. Dude, I got the Aloha Margarita before. Yeah. That's that even possible.

Cameron's first Applebee's trip. You missed it. The inaugural Applebee's trip. I saw two waitresses walk directly into each other and drop a bunch of food. I missed that because that, like, I ate, I got the ribs of Applebee's and immediately had a shit so bad I like dude that

that fuck that trip fucked my gut up the ribs made you you think it was the barbecue sauce no we got Waffle House in the morning he's oh yeah that'll make you shit yeah no I forgot about that I almost got I said I said

let me get like double hash browns everything on it and then the I thought she said do you want chilies everything on it yeah I said well almost almost I got sausage gravy I almost got thing on it. I almost got sausage

gravy and chewing. You have to figure out what I mean by that. Can I get with mostly everything on it? Most of the stuff on it. I didn't want to sit there

and go chopped, fucking smothered, covered, and, uh, that's like the whole reason why they named it

fun shit so that it doesn't feel like a chore to say, smothered covered, chopped, uh, peppered and,

uh, steak, what's the other one? I don't know. Ah, fuck. But I almost, got, I almost got sausage gravy and chili on it until the other, until the other waitress came

over, is like, are you sure you want chili on it? And I was like, no, absolutely not. I could not handle that for, dude, I thought she said chili and I thought that she meant like, I thought she meant chili peppers, dude. I thought she meant like, like chili peppers at Waffle House. Yes, I thought they had like, Poblano's. Poblano chili at Waffle House? No. Well, they had, well, they have jalapinos. Yeah. Last time I was at Waffle House was around Christmas, and I went with Noah, and Noah started, Noah, like, went to the bathroom, and then all these people there, it was, like, just

two groups of people there, and all these people just started yelling, it was like three in the morning, just started yelling through the bathroom door that they could hear him shitting. It was like, oh, I hear you shitting in there. That's nasty as hell. Ooh, wee! And we just sat there, we just did nothing. We just didn't even talk about it. We were just letting Noah get destroyed through a bathroom door

while he dropped a nasty Waffle House shit. He didn't even eat anything. He just went into shit. He brought that from home. Yeah, no, it's pretty fucked up. Yeah. Dude, our Uber driver made fun of us for going to Waffle House. What the fuck?

Yeah. I knew if you were there. Yeah, if you're from out of town, you probably, you didn't even, you didn't know better than to go to Waffle House. We told him we liked Waffle House and we didn't talk to us. Like, I'd try to go here whenever I'm in the South. And then, yeah, and then he just, like, didn't talk for the rest of the drive. Because I fucking showed him up with my intellectuality.

What was it like to destroy him in his own car? We rated it at one star and didn't tip. That's right. I don't tip these people anyway. I'm trying, I mean, it's European. Hey, here's the tip. Crazy as shit. Crazy as shit was down there.

Every fucking Uber driver asked us to give them five stars. Yeah, every time we would get out of a ride And that's the thing of this It's because everyone owns there Owns a car and drunk drives Yeah Oh yeah Like there's no reason to call it

That was the strangest I That was so strange to me But I guess it's normal I don't know Well part of Florida Were you guys in? You're in Tampa

Tampa sucks Yeah It's horrible dude It's the worst Dude It's the worst place ever Yeah it's pretty bad Oh shout out to

Shout out to Shooter Mm-hmm Shout to our boy no yeah this podcast isn't for shoutouts pat you just wanted to you can start your own fucking podcast or you can say your friend's names if pat did a spin-off podcast it would be an hour of him shouting people out and saying thank you to people i'm thanking him for showing us a good time it's not even thank you he's saying hello

yeah he just be like oh yeah and my um uh that guy gregg yeah good to meet you man used to be doing that for now but for real shout out vladimir yeah Vladimir you were low-key crazy and scary. He was one of our lift drivers and he was cool. He just has a lift driver named Vladimir. You guys mad at me or something? I'm mad at you because I haven't seen you in so long. I need to ring your neck. When I see you, I'm going to ring your fucking neck. Oh, I did. Speaking of lift drivers, we did see a really good lift driver fun fact.

Oh, yeah. Our lift driver, Hoy. His fun fact was I can and will dance in public. Whoa, that is good. It's a good one. Remember that guy that we asked him if he, like, chop, or his fun fact said he loved, uh... Yeah, he liked, he liked savory snacks instead of sweet snacks or something like that. Yeah, we got in the lift and we were like, ah, man, you know, hey, settle a debate for us. We're having this debate. Which one's better?

Saver snacks are sweet snacks? It's like 3.30 in the morning. Getting into a lift and he's like, uh, yeah. I don't mean, like, yeah. Well, I like pretzels, but like, I don't like Hershey's chocolate bars. I just don't get it How do people like sweet snacks? Sabre snacks are definitely better

It's the worst getting into like Uber's with you guys sometimes It's so funny You just look at the grounds Yes No dude I'm the I'd rather look at the ground Give them a nice tip and say thank you and go Patrick

A lift driver is literally there to be the ant Under your magnifying glass dude You should be eliminating him from existence They have to listen to whatever you say You remember that Dude, there was one time we were, I was just me and Caleb in a car, and the lift driver honked at the guy in front of him, and Caleb was just like, is that your enemy? And then for the rest of the ride, you kept saying like, yeah, I'm thinking about getting a

nemesis and an enemy. I'm thinking about, I'm finally going to get a nemesis. And then you kept asking me, you kept asking me who my nemesis was, and I didn't want to answer you. and I felt so uncomfortable in the car. You're shy. I am. In the car?

Dude, I'm shy as fuck, but not in lifts, baby. The great thing about a lift driver is it's like having, like, riding in a lift with Patrick is like having two lift drivers. It's like two people who just anything that you say to them, they're just going to be like, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they just won't talk to you at all. Except, yeah, except every once in a while, they'll say something like, Like, oh, you know, there were, like, 100 murders here? Yeah.

It's like, yeah, out of nowhere. And you say, it's got to be 101. How would you fucking pedal to the metal, you slow, motherfucker? That's right. That's right. Yes, right. Yeah. If I wanted to go this slow, I would have got a city bike, pal.

When I was a kid, whenever we'd go to the airport, my dad knew this taxi driver that he would call. He'd always call this same guy. And he drove a minivan, and he had a little, remember those little screw. screens that, uh, those are like, like portable DVD players that people would have in their cars on like the back seat. Oh, I thought you were going to say he had a little wheel that you played with. No, I wish. He, he had one of these portable... Why don't they have those in lifts? He had one of these portable DVD players that he would set on the console and he would watch the Final Fantasy movies while he was driving. That's tight. The sickest shit ever.

That's so sick. There's only two. There's only two final fantasy movies. He would rotate between the two? And literally every time we took this car, he was watching one. of the Final Fantasy movies. The, uh, they should put in lifts like in a, uh, like in a student driver car, how you have a second steering wheel and a second break. Yeah. So you can, you can just do. No, they should put, they should put a little steering wheel in the back so you can

pretend like you're driving too. That's for you. Yeah. I would be a little on actually driving. A little horn that I can press. You should be able to honk the horn whatever you want. Yes. Oh, there should be, there should be a bunch of you in the back of the lift.

You pay, you pay a little bit extra. there's a button in the back and you can just hold down the horn that's what the that yeah that's what the fucking the like lift or like uber subscription or whatever is where you can you know you should have so many more options you should be able to call a cash cab also for an extra fee you should be able to drop you should be able to spike strips on the ground behind it too yeah dude you know what sucks is when you get you're you're in like a you have the subscription you get in uber xl and then the person behind you is in an uber an uber black and uh he throws the blue shell at you that shit sucks yeah is it uber black is that the like the bentleys and stuff i don't think they have bentley's i think it's like they get like a black escalator i don't think they have like roys i think that's what it is no i think it's like i think they get like a uh i think you're wrong about this i think you're wrong there should also be uber hang gliders and you can like get if you're like in a building you want to get to the next building

You should be able to... Uber's from war zone. You should be able to Uber's shoes that you can walk in and then drop off when you don't need them anymore. Oh, dude, like the Inspector Gadget shoes? Yeah. Like the big ones that you can... Big stilts that you can just... Throughout the city.

I don't think those are street legal. Hmm? I don't think you can have giant stilts on the street. I think you need to be... You need to have a license or a permit to be on stilts. That's not true. Yeah, that's not true at all. That, no, there's no way that if you walked down, if you, like, walked around Brooklyn with stilts on, the police are going to stop me.

I mean, they tell you to stop, but I don't think that they're going to stop you because you don't have a license. I think they're going to stop you because you're walking around on stilts. Are you talking, like, walking in the bike lane on stilts or walking on the sidewalk on stilts? You're not, they're not, they're going to stop. I agree that they're going to stop you, but I don't think that there's, I don't think that there's something you can show them that would get them to not stop you. The only thing is a parade. The only thing that's going to stop you is a guy with an Android phone going, Oh, only in New York!

That would be good to be con. I mean, I feel like there is a hole. Okay, so there's the guy who rides around Manhattan with the basketball in his head. Oh, I love him. Oh, he's the best. He goes, uh-huh. Yeah, he has a horn. He says, I got it.

Uh-huh. And there's, who else is there? That might just be that guy. Oh, tweet season. Donald Trump? season. That's Donald Trump. Who's tweak season?

Tweak season's the guy on TikTok who walks around and finds weird shit and makes fun of it? I don't know that, dude. Oh, dude, if I ever ended up in one of those, I'd kill myself. But there's a good, there's definitely a hole to be filled for maybe a, like, a bald-like guy on 10-foot stilts. Yeah. Or a unicycle. Oh, oh, here's what you can do. Okay, so you get, like, 10-foot stilts and, like, an Uncle Sam costume.

Yeah, that'd be huge. Yeah. Yeah. And you have big, and big hands, too, like big, like foam fingers. Mm-hmm. But they have... Do you guys want to start a parade? Yes.

Dude. Oh, my God. I'm so fucking glad you asked. I was trying to sneak it into this conversation. You know, we can walk around in a two-person llama costume. Do you guys want to start a weekly marching band parade? Yeah, I'm down. That the root is every single street.

We go, like, we snaked out. We just surround every block in Brooklyn, so we annoy everybody. Just ruin it. Yeah. Yeah. 24-hour parade. And we get big guests. Because people are used to like, you know,

Despacito blasting out of a car when it speeds by. They're not used to. Yeah, you know. They're not used to a very, by the way, very slow parade. Yeah, super slow to all tubas. An all tuba wheelchair parade. People are wheelchairs playing tubas down a fucking Myrtle Broadway. Yeah.

And just see what we just see how long. The worst cyclists in the world, too. Because what are these cops going to do? Stop a bunch of young people in wheelchairs trying to express themselves? Uh-huh. That's a bad look for the NYPD. Yep. I think more likely, they just keep...

That wheelchair parade just keeps going so they get fucking blasted by an escalade one day. Mm-hmm. They get all the way to the Brooklyn Bridge one day and out of nowhere. Yep. Big old... Big old caddy. Huge honk in escalade just destroys them. An escalade was 50 more.

more tuba players hanging off the side. Mm-hmm. We can do a faster parade than you. And then, we can get a way faster parade down this street. Then they're going to, you know, after a while of the parade, the cops are going to be like, okay, you guys are going to have to have a parade license to do this. And then, then one tuba player on every train car on every train. Yeah.

Oh, my God. 24-7 until they let us do the parade again. Do you guys want to start maybe a flash mob, kind of improv everywhere type thing? I was thinking about that I've been doing them I've been doing them by myself since a pandemic stuff I would think about being like the first guy

to ever see a flash mob like I literally probably would have killed myself I would have been so scared yeah I would have been like these people there's some kind of infection yeah these people have been

are being controlled I would literally never trust reality again yeah if I saw a flash mob I'd feel I'd feel so left out Yeah Oh my god Are you kidding me

A flash mob should Just based on the name A FlashMub should be like A million women Just showing their boobs To the world I think that's what it used to be Because that can't be true

And then PC culture ruined it Really? Uh huh There's another L for PC culture man Yeah Yeah Well because it was I think wasn't it a flash mob

Because it was the No Pants subway ride You know I'm gonna be real with you I haven't done all that much research. You're cutting in and out. Yeah, your shit is fucked up. Yeah. My shit's fucked up. What the fuck?

It's fine on my end. What's wrong with you? Dude, turn your video off. Okay. Oh, we gotta use that audio. No. How about doing the extra work? I'm normal now? He's sitting there going, shit, ma. I sounded normal.

over here. Oh, man. Of course you did. You're talking out loud. My ears sound fine. I mean, I'm just, I'm not talking any differently over here. Yeah. But yeah, I, I don't know all that much about FlashMops, Pat. I haven't done, I guess, as much research as you have into the art. I know. Well, you seem to know the origin. I know the No Pants Subway Ride. You scrolled down to the, everyone knows the No Pants Subway Ride. Will I get arrested? That's not you. Well, one day I've lost my pants it's not hard to fucking you know it's not hard to what it's not hard to lose your pants sometimes it's not hard to expose yourself to it's not hard to go swimming willing go swimming in the east river hmm oh what's this it's 315 p.m. on a weekday guess i'm going to lose my pants oh there they go

oh there they go and i'm on the subway oh oh i'm off the subway i hope i don't take an especially winding route home today that surrounds several very crowded in restaurants and dare I say playgrounds? No. I couldn't. Just every day. Every day I get shit

for being myself. Every day I get bullied. It would be so funny though to like to be like an exhibitionist and pretend that you lost your pants and are just trying to get home

and just like walk like in a giant spiral like around your house oh dear oh dear i had my GPS in my pants and i'm completely lost i had a piece of paper with my address on them in my pants and now i can't find them i forget my home oh they're right they're in your hand oh they're in my hand the whole time like a remote oh god this is embarrassing oh there he goes again what the fuck's wrong with your shit dude god damn it dude i can hear you I can hear myself.

I'm going to ruin the episode regardless. Don't test me. No, you're not anything right now. You're not going to do shit. I will. You won't do shit. You're a coward. I'm not a cowardly lion.

Check out this. What's that? Would a coward make that noise? What was that a whisper? Damn it. No, that only works in person. Fuck, I miss you guys. Damn it, I hate this.

It does suck All right So today we got We have I mean as Which one should we do first? I think the odd one All right

Wait which one's it They're both set in the chat Wait are these made by the same guy I gotta check this dude out This is a serious writer The first line of their bio is really good Yeah so this is today we're doing We're doing

top ten things writers do that are seen as odd by Siri and we're looking at Siri's profile. It says 17 in Seattle. I was naive and kind of lame when I first joined this site. I've changed. Facts. I can relate to that 100%. I can relate to that, early gen 19, if we still use that terminology.

I like to write. Check out my stuff here. I'm mostly inactive, only occasionally lying in to comment and check on my stuff. I'm one of many who left the sinking ship that is this site due to admin's pointless changes and needlessly strict personality. And can I please change my name to second world or a shy? It's probably not that hard to add that feature. Facts. So the description to top ten things the writers do that are seen as odd.

Sometimes when writing a story, things go well. Other times, things go wrong. What you can always count on, though, are things that some might think are strange. Wow. It's so nice to get. I've definitely had that experience. I mean, like, I would say that all three of us are writers, right? We're working on different.

I mean, I have a novella in the works that I've been kind of talking to people about shopping around. I'm working on, I'm working, yeah, well, you say yours, yeah, go ahead. Well, it's seven pages long, because it's a novella, you know, it's not, like, technically that as long as, like, a normal novel. And it's actually about a giant, a great white whale. But I've been working on for a little bit. Well, yeah. That sounds, I mean, that honestly sounds, I can imagine some of the scenes in that, being painterly. I mean, like, I guess for me, the most important thing is, like,

concisicity in, in my writing. And, uh, like, it being like, uh, easy to understand for like a more broader, like general audience. Um, yeah. I'm actually kind of on the other end of the spectrum, because I've been working on this, like, uh, it's kind of like a multi-format piece. Like, I would say it bridges the gap between a screenplay and a poem. And it's about seven hundred and ninety two pages at the moment, but I'm trying to kind of, you know, thread in different influences like, you know, plays, definitely novellas like yours, like spreadsheets, pencil drawing, and just kind of as many different mixed media as I can add. And I think that it will kind of like bridge, you know, a lot of experiences throughout the

universe and help people understand what it's like to read a 800 page pieces of paper. I love that kind of multimedia, like David Foster W. style thing. You know what I mean? Definitely. Yeah. It's also very like, House of My Leaves, you know. Yeah. One thing that I've been looking into recently is like edible pages like once you read the page you can actually eat it with your mouth oh yeah destructability that's actually big in my work like because I feel like everything is just everything is so like like uh ephemerality it has deferality you know what I mean so like I need to I'm getting super into like things that are ephemeral yeah and I feel like have you read have you um have you read any uh no david uh no david's huge in the destructability scene

Oh, did he write, uh... Did he write gonch's bluff? No. No. Who? Oh. That was me. That was, uh, n'uh.

That wasn't you? That was Slyzer. I wrote the sequel. I just write to my pen pal. Oh, I'm not anymore. He was in prison. Pistillaries. He passed away a couple days ago.

Mm, love pistilaries. Uh, so as writers, like, I think we can all probably relate to this. Like, we might not. be the same as other people in a kind of way. Definitely odd and strange in the perception of like society at large. Like to a normal person, like, have you ever thought of the fact that maybe like the blue that you see is different from the blue that I see as like a writer? Yeah. So that's most, that's a huge part of what my book is about. It could be B-L-O-O. Exactly. So number one, they see their characters as real people but confined within the walls of the mind and page. So, I mean, I think

every writer in the whole in the damn world could probably relate to this one. I relate to this comment right here. It says, Because I am a man who makes tainted mistakes that I highly regret so much that I want to forget my illusion mindset, which I'm not delusional anymore. But a man who hates Jeffrey, a teen who is struggling, is anger issues. And mostly of all, I believe that I don't like hate, that I like all of the people around me.

But my anger encrypted of who I am, and it's not my fault I have anger issues. I don't know if I've been abused or not. I didn't respond because I was busy. What? Well, Syri actually, he, or Siri actually responds here. He says, all right, we get it. Now, can we end this petty conflict while you let it reach a conclusion? Like, again, kind of writerly, you know.

Definitely. Conflict. Yeah, exactly. One of the biggest hammers in a writer's toolbox. Exactly. It's all hammers. They're just different sizes. It's 100% hammers because we're nailing the words onto the page.

Absolutely. The nails were thrusted through the hands of Christ. Yes. Who? Christ? Who? Okay, well, I got a book recommendation for you, my good friend, and it's actually the Holy Bible. The New Testament specifically.

You can ignore the Old Testament. Oh, I only read the old one. What? Yeah. Number two, they find that their world and characters are quite prominent in their dreams. You sound... Your audio's going... What's going on with your Wi-Fi?

My Wi-Fi is normal. No, it's not. What? He's normal now. I've just recently made the switch to AOL. Really? Yeah, I might be running out of the distance space, actually. It could be your typewriter.

Well, you have one of those fucking typewriters that connects to the internet. Yeah. Okay, well, somebody else read. It's like when you turn the microwave on. Sure. They find that their world and characters are quite prominent in their dreams. Oh, yeah. Like, I have this character I've been writing about Dracula.

right he keeps showing up in my dreams he's like and I'm like and then I wake up I've actually been working on a short piece that's been infecting my dreams lately

it's called a missive for a matriarch and it's actually about Patrick's mom and I've actually been dreaming about it twice a night she got you guys Christmas presents and you still make fun of her on here I didn't make fun of anything

like your friend You guys disgusts me How could I make light Of such a beautiful maiden Such as your mother She is the one who makes light She brings light into this world Like you

I have to add that line One second guys I dream about my stories all the time Usually it ends up being me and my friends With the personalities with the characters That are most like us Yeah me too Sometimes I dream about my characters

They can wake me up an ungodly hour And I have to write the dream in my journal there and then, or I fear of losing a potentially good piece forever. I mean, who hasn't had that moment as a writer? Waking up, you're in a cold sweat, you're so

possessed by the spirit of the dream that you just had, that you have to run to your typewriter, and you have to write about having a fart power at your middle school. Yeah, you write, you get to the typewriter, you sit there, you write down,

I was naked at school, and there was a test that day, and all my teeth fell out. Oh, how deliciously lowbrow. What? I actually love indulging in that kind of lowbrow pulpy, if you will, kind of writing. I sit down at the typewriter some days, and I think, let me allow myself to play in the mud today. What would a moron write? What would an absolute moron write?

Oh, I have an idea And then you go And then you just let it run free Like a hog across the countryside That's you should write that down Number three They're able to tell what another writer was feeling When writing a story

I mean that's that is so To me that's like huge It's like because I'm also I'm a writer slash empath That's what my LinkedIn says Bibliopath Yeah exactly So I feel kind of exactly what, like, for example, like, when I read Huck Finn, I feel racist.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely. When I've been reading this list, I mean, I can tell that this person was sophisticated and yet odd. When I read Mark Fisher, I feel dead. It's really, I mean, like, it's an incredible power. It's crazy you say that, too, because when I read Shakespeare, I also feel dead. And David Foster Wallace, too, and, uh...

When I read David Foster Wallace, I feel dead and high. But interestingly, interestingly, when I read the lyrics to Tupac's music, I feel vibrant and full of life. And I feel Cuban. Uh, this isn't. entry comes from when I was reading Wings of Fire, Book 5. It was around then that I truly saw myself as a writer, and all of a sudden I saw past the page and into what the author felt while writing. It's kind of like empathy. I was able to understand what they felt, but not through reading expression and vocal tone. Rather, it was through how happy or

dark the book was. When any book I read from then on got sad, for example, I remembered losing one of my own characters and could tell that they too were sad while writing the scene. See my list entry for how characters can seem like real people for a basic explanation for why the writer was sad. Oh, I hate losing my characters, but at the same time, I gotta say, kill your darlings. Your darlings need to die. Yep, they need to die.

That's the first step to any book. Like Clementine? Clementine, I mean, Harold and the Purple Crown. He should have died. Yes. He should have been excised. He should have been gutted like a pig in the first. a page or two.

Absolutely. It would have been a much, a far, a far, fairer book. And cut out those unnecessary descriptors. It's Harold and the

crayon, if you please. That's right. We can see that the crayon is purple. There are pictures in the book. Exactly. Show don't tell. I can also...

Harold... Harold moved the crayon across the page and it shined purply. Much better. And also, there should be more pictures

in that book. They basically only have pictures on every other page. There should be one on every single page. Definitely. It's all about showing. And maybe just call the book. A picture's worth a thousand words, you know. That's a lot more words you can fit on a page. So you can write a thousand, you could write a thousand word book with one picture, they say. They do say that. Number four, they write at odd hours. Uh, guilty. As charged. That's actually really good. That could actually be a good line of dialogue. If you want to steal that, I wouldn't mind. I'm all for

other writers borrowing my strokes of ingenuity. If inspiration hits and I get a eureka moment at 5.13 a.m., I can't help but go with it. I've read it all times. Mainly, though, I like to set a time to sit down and write, usually around 7 a.m. We all know 513 a.m. Writers are all

too familiar with 513 a.m. They call it the writer's hour for a reason. 513 to 6.13 a.m. Here's the problem I have with Eureka moments. So I I'll wake up maybe like, I don't know, like 4.36 a.m. I'll get up. I have a eureka moment. I go to the bathroom, have a eureka moment, and then it's done.

And then I go back to bed. See, you need to snatch that inspiration from the heavens and actually write, you put a pin to paper. It's hard to find time to have a eureka moment when you have roommates. That's also true. It is, absolutely. And, you know, I've had roommates who complain, they say, Caleb, at 4.30 in the morning last night, you know, I have work at 6. I can't just hear you in your room going, Eureka, over and over again. You know what I mean?

Like, I see the glow of the giant blue exclamation point above your head coming out from under the door. Like, it's actually, it's pretty disruptive. And I say, well, here's an idea. Go fuck yourself. That's right. You say that? Yeah. Imagine, I don't care if people get hurt while I'm trying to.

create art. Imagine the clatter of my typewriter keys is the pattering of rain against your window and let it lull you into a dreamless sleep, where you hopefully stay forever, my friends. Yeah. I would never say that to my roommate. Imagine the sound of my Razor Black Widow Ultimate Mechanical Keyboard with Cherry MX Keys. Like, imagine that, the switches that I'm hitting that sound, oh so loud. Imagine they're gunshots and war-torn Syria, and you have to sleep one last night because

you never know which one will be your last. Wow. That's right. Oh, how I would love to rent a cabin in Syria and stay for a month to complete my novel. Now, that would bring delightful inspiration to my writing. I've looked for Airbnbs in Aleppo, but they're actually very expensive.

I went to, see, I went to an Airbnb one time, and I looked at the spice cabinet, and they had Aleppo in there. See, now that's something you could write about. You know, to us people in the West, Aleppo is a spice. To the people in the Far East, which is what I call Syria, Aleppo is actually a city. Is that what it's from?

So that's what we, in writing, in English, in language, call a dichotomy. Yes. See, I'm learning a lot here. As a mentally challenged, man, I don't, I'm not a very skilled writer. And that is a unique perspective to write from. I guess that is true. Tell your story. Hey, don't doubt.

It's not mentally challenged. It's mentally invalid. Patrick, I just, I want you to sit down and I want you to write your story. I want to see your franchise launch. I want to see your first novel. See, when I was in... Patty Doran and the push or pull door. When I was in school...

The mystery of the push door. When I was in school, we had a crossbook writing concepts. The answer to the mystery is printed upside down at the bottom of every page. Patrick approached the target. It was red like an apple. There was a ball outside that was round like a ball. He looked at it bounced like a ball bouncing. He investigated the door.

The answer to whether it was push or pull was apparent, but it was facing the wrong way for the people leaving the store. therefore impossible to decipher. Patrick tried to leave the store. Upon trying to leave the store, Patrick discovered it was closed. The outside was closed, and he couldn't go through. And then 100 pages later,

Patrick realizes, in fact, that it was the open sign, the back of the open sign on the door. Wow. Wow. Moving. Emotional. Number five. See, I thought that the sign said, nope. Number five, they look at the small, unneeded details and everything.

Oh. See, that's, I mean, leave it to me to notice a molecule, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. Because I actually do notice molecules on almost everything that I eat. I can tell you just this morning, I saw it when my girlfriend was getting ready for work, I looked her and I told her, did you do something different with your dust? Hmm, I can actually tell that the hairs on your body have grown I saw some molecules I saw some molecules in my bathroom this morning

I left some molecules on the seat and I immediately wipe them off Every writer's bane What did you wait, Patrick, you're almost there What did you wipe them off like? As if they were Like a maid Okay

that's that's yeah all right you're getting there you're getting there i wipe them off like my family's made should have yes much better now we're talking now you're we'll make a writer of you yet my friend see this is as somebody who's a part of your uh year the caleb and cameron writing school an academy rather the caleb and cameron writing i'm learning i'm learning so much and my parents are paying so much for me to learn caleb and cameron's learn atore for languidology. And graffiti. And hip-hop.

Because the two are so connected. Can we talk about that for a second? I mean, hip-hop is what? Without hip-hop, there would be no Moby Dick. There would be... No, absolutely not. No William Shakespeare. No James Joyce.

By the way, is one of the most fantastic authors I've ever read. if you have not read his works. I urge you to pick up something of his. Also, support your local library. Okay? Support it. Go in there, rent out one of the computers.

It's $2 an hour and play Fortnite. You can also use the library computers to look up recipes and other different types of ways to make napalm. And you can look that up in the library and you can't get in trouble for it at the library. Anything you look up, it's completely untraceable. You're never going to know. They, I mean, unless somebody looks over your shoulder, not your problem.

You can torrent things at the library. You can look up how to make bombs. You can type in ascendance that I can't say. But you can type it in on the library, and it's fine. I have to say, I respect the library as a place of learning, but I haven't been able to go in there since they started, they added DVDs to their offerings. It fills me with unspeakable rage.

I haven't been able to go in there since they banned me from going in there. How did they ban you from going in there? It's not important, okay? I'm showing, not telling. I'll leave it at that. Number six, they see reality as a template. Ah, ah, ah, gassed. Ah, zoons.

Ah, gadzooks, this is the truth to me. Oh, alas, it doesn't see reality as a template. You know, I look at a bus and I think, hmm, maybe I put a bus in my story. Maybe I put a big yellow bus into my story next time. Definitely. I also, I wrote an example of this that people, is a fun fact about one of my works is my, everybody might remember my, The period piece I wrote about the first female serial killer, which was actually called period piece.

It was a bit of a wordplay. A bitch of a word play. A bitch of a word play, yes, because it was based on my wife. I actually used that as a template to create this curdled woman. Yeah. I never read that. Blackened Soul. I just learned how to read a while back.

I'm glad you didn't read that because you were a character in there too, my friend. every writer every writer puts their friends into their works and let me tell you it's not always what they want to read of course i mean i have uh you you're in my book as a as a character named sir poop poopsley i have a very interesting piece what is that what is that okay what is that okay well you can language listen what language is that in and what does it translate to listen pal you can pick up a copy of my book at your local barns and noble all right and don't go getting it from any archive.org because and how would I get to

archive.org? Well, you probably can't get to archive.org because me and Cameron are in the process of suing them into a building where they're hopefully going to shut down, yes, because it is an evil. It's horrible. Information should be

anything but free, right? Definitely. You should be working to earn information. I agree. What is knowledge but currency? I agree with this. There's so much information I just don't care to pay for and I don't want to pay for

and there's so many things that I could have learned and I just didn't want to pay for it I'd rather go and buy You, my friend, should be on the gallows. Why? What is a gallo? Oh, to be so eager. Pick up a pheasaurus for once in your life, my friend. What is that?

Pick up a dictionary for once in your life. You probably thinks it's an ancient reptile. Some primeval beast Probably crossed his mind Oh, the imbecilliediness Oh my friend My friend, you My friend would be the leader in a cacistocracy

I know what caca is I'm sure you do Because it drips from your ears when you think too hard Oh Oh the delicious hilarity of the situation at hand. Number seven, they push on, despite knowing that their project may not be excellent. Now, I actually don't relate to this.

No. You're a bit of a quitter. No. No. I've just never written anything that I would deem subpar. I'm sorry, I have a higher standard for... Have you ever thought about how you actually want to be under par? and that the same the word subpar actually makes no sense this is actually something i meditated on during one of my retreats where have you been retreating as of late uh my parents house oh interesting yes for months and months at a time uh number eight they rewrite things many times over uh this i can relate to um i've been working on uh my my um

my book about a bug for I've been writing it rewriting it so tough nut to crack I actually this isn't I if you wouldn't mind I can read a passage from one of my

horror novels I would I would adore to do such a thing the beast of the bloody of the bloody land that actually demonstrates this point I yes I've rewrote stuff quite a bit for this book

let me read this passage right here The beast of the bloody land was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very scary. And I wrote that word very, very, a multitude. I think I speak for myself, Patrick, the audience, when I say bone chilling, my friend, rocked me to my core. my very essence was harmed by that story. And that's only two pages of it. Wow. That scared me.

Number eight, they remake the same thing many times, only to get it right once. Hmm. I mean, again... I mean, this goes double for people who write cookbooks. And cookbooks is... Some people say that cookbooks are a lower form of... of literature. I disagree. Mm-hmm.

I think that, I don't know if you've read Binging with Babish. He's one of my favorite authors recently. He's, I mean, he's just, the way that he puts together ingredients, it's almost poetic. And ingredients are the words, are the words of food. Exactly. And the way that he somehow ties these ingredients to television, movies, video games. I mean, it's, it's truly an amazing piece of work. Another very underrated form of writing along with cookbooks is the nutrition fact.

Ah, yes. See, that is where words in science come together. Yes. Normally, I would say science and literature completely incompatible. I would say a match made in heaven, but considering we're dealing with science, I'd have to say a match made in a beautiful laboratory. A match made by science. A match made by Stephen Hawking In heaven

Mm-hmm Or hell Much like the match is made Now that's a story hook Much like the match is made Between Jeffrey Epstein and Stephen Hawking Were they fucking with each other?

They were on They went to an island Stephen Hawking wasn't He wasn't he wasn't They did a split He was on the island There's no way Yeah

Look at no actually What? Spinning Yeah that would be kind of cool They had a skate park on the island for him. Yeah, they were spinning him around like the Fresh Prince intro. That is pretty fucking cool, man. He was on the half pipe.

Mm-hmm. But we digress. But back to the important stuff. Number 10. They write characters that are totally unlike them. Mm. I agree. I mean, I, yeah, I mean, I've been writing, um,

I've been writing, um, I'm going to write. writing books about, uh, mostly people with, like huge lion's mane hairdoes, dreadlocks, aphros, you know, uh, uh, none of which I, I, I hold on my head. I wrote a story, or at least I attempted to write a story. Um, it was, it was difficult due to how similar the character was to myself. Um, um, I, Sometimes the mirror is ungodly. Yes, especially when I wake up in the morning. I can't even look in there.

I look at that mirror. I just want to headbut it. Well, that's, I mean, a writer's pain is where you get your inspiration from. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, anyway, I tried to write a story about a guy who was six feet tall. And I got so upset just imagining a world. It's too close to you.

Because it's too... It's too... The concept was too big for you to grapple with. I understand. It was heading. It was... It disgusted me. It disgusted me that somebody could be that tall.

And I forgot what I said at the beginning of this. I... Wait, hold on it. Here. Let me read a comment here. It was actually easier to write a story about a guy who was six feet tall than it was, God damn it. so that my friend you should have utilized a first and

final draft a bit of writer lingo that you may not be familiar with but I urge you to check out ask.com to discover what of the writer's greatest tools is that similar to askjeeves.com Ask Jeeves

any writer who uses Ask Jeeves should be excommunicated from writing culture What's it's so frustrating is back in the day if you wanted to learn something right you would crack open a

book, right? You crack open an encyclopedia and you'd learn about it. Nowadays, these kids have asked Jeeves in their pocket, right? They're asking Jeeves every damn question. Whatever happened to the beauty of mystery. Now ask Jeeves, well, Jeeves got all the answers. I have half of mine to put out a hit on this Jeeves fella. Hold on, I've got to write that down. Now that's a story. Jeeves has to be one of the smartest people in the world. Yeah. This fucking guy knows everything. Also, for a butler, pretty impressive. Here's a comment here. It's fun writing characters that differ completely from your own character. I love writing in the viewpoint and voice of rather bolshe, loud, and arrogant males, or cunning and

manipulative females. It's just fun experimenting with different styles and viewpoints and seeing how far you can stretch your imagination. It's a most satisfactory feeling when you feel you've accomplished it. Oh, how I despise balshy males. Cunning and manipulative females, hey, what are you writing a story about every woman? Come on. Authors Bain, my friend. The author's bane is a woman. The woman is like,

I think it was Mark Twain. The woman is like the whiteout to your writing progress. I think Mark Twain said. Here's another comment from Max Aurelius. How is this unusual? And then he amended it. Edit, again a year later.

I kind of think the comment I made was unnecessary and kind of hypocritical of me, considering I was and still am an avid writer. Now, here's a man who can recognize his mistakes. Evolution, you know what I mean? That's a huge part of the writer's... Evolution is a huge part. I mean, it's like an orphanage, right? You take all your budding story ideas, you throw them into a pool together,

you see who sinks and who swims. And it's only the survivor you wish to it. adopt and raise into a fully fledged adult with a beginning, middle, and end. Real quick, let's do this other list by, um... Really? Yeah, we can run through this. We've got three and a half minutes. Hey, that's okay with me.

Top ten things writers are sick of hearing. So, number one is put me in the story. Oh, I think we've lost trouble with this. I'm rageful just hearing that. Yes. I agree. I'm full of vengeful hate. I'm full of chips.

I'm so full. I say, okay, maybe I will put you in the story. Yeah, as a toilet. Wow. I'm going to name the toilet in the story after you. Or perhaps a... Are you happy now, Mom? Megalomaniacal sex criminal.

Yeah, or maybe even one of the dukies that my main character takes and puts inside of the toilet that's also named after you. You fucking ass hat for an ass. You ass clown. Oh, yeah, and good luck trying to debate a writer. Oh, our insults are on another level. I will tear you to shreds, you, my friend.

Linguistic shreds, you farting shit, fat ass. You dooky rat. You smelly smucker. You sharder of a shit. You, you, you imbecile. You dumbed, poop. Did you hear that one? Did you hear that?

I learned that You shit poo You crap shit You are a shit What's this? A shit from a crap's ass Oh yes Talking ducky about

About a shitter again My friend It seems all five senses Rather than just one are registering The smell of a fart in your presence Hmm I fart in your general direction Monty Python

Monty Python also one of the The greatest writers of our generation Yeah, his movies were so crazy. Check out his graphic novelization of the Book of Mormon. Oh, wrong one. Yeah, you were thinking of Terry Gilliam. I was thinking of South and Park. Now, tell me that you guys have never heard this before.

Riders block doesn't matter. Just keep going. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, sure. I wish the writer's block was physical so I could bash my parents over the head with it when they bring this up at dinner. Mm-hmm. I wish that it was a wooden block that I could stand on to reach things that were taller than me in the pantry.

See, now I wish it was more like a question mark block, and I could just keep hitting it until money comes out to fund my various novels and projects. What's this a coin, shiny, and gold as the surface of the sun? Finding funding as an author is one of the greatest baines of my existence and one of the author's baines as well. I mean, one of my last books I wrote had a massive space fight sequence spanning almost 30 pages and it cost upwards of $30 million to put that to the page. Wow. Because I needed to, as every writer does, I needed to compose CGI footage, video footage of the scene so I could describe. it and put it to the page. How am I supposed to describe something that I can't see?

I can't, I can't, I can't walk outside and, and, and, and look at a spaceship shooting a laser. That's why, that's why, until I got a budget, my last, my first 20 books were all about homeless people asking me for money, because that's what happens when I go outside. That's what I see in my life. Wow. And we can end on. And that's truly, and that's truly something that I don't experience, but, I mean, hearing,

hearing it from you. And we can end on this. This is... I didn't know where I was going with that. I got the $30 million. This is... You must be a terrible speller. Okay.

Right? Yeah. Been there. Okay. Maybe the word flop has a curly bracket in it. Okay? Did you never consider that? Right?

And then here's the comment, oh, come on. We writers do go back over in fixed spelling. into not that big of a deal. And that's from, I Love to Read and Write. Wow. I mean... I love to read and write.

I'm actually very upset that this person has this username on this website because that's my username on every other social media, but I had to be I love to write too on the top tens because of this freak. You should message them. Oh, I already have. Hundreds of times, graphically, threateningly, to the point where I'm in big trouble. Often copied, never replicated.

Okay. And I would like to bid our audience aggrated to you. Oh, adieu. And once I find out what that means, I can say it too. O'Revoir. Adios. Again, when I find out. And let me just say, the end.

Wow.