Podcast About List - Ep. 179 - Cameron’s Diary

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

just me this week. happy wednesday. subscribe to www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist

Hey guys, it's Cameron. So Patrick and Caleb are away this weekend, and I guess that means that it's time for me to do a solo episode. And I wasn't really sure what to do with this. I was thinking about it a lot. And then I realized that I actually had some old stuff recorded that I might be able to put out now. Now, during 2021, I actually was keeping kind of an audio diary where I would record an audio entry of what I did that day every few days.

And I got a good amount of those lined up and kept in a folder on my computer. So I thought maybe now that the oppression of Patrick and Caleb is gone from my life. for a short period of time, I could just put some of those out, and who knows if they'll even be interesting. But anyway, here it goes. Cameron's Diary. January 1st. Wow, a brand new year. A fresh new blank parchment for me to scrawl my beautiful life upon. The entirety of 2021 is before me, and I, for one, could not be happier. 2020 was a bit weird, as I'm sure that you are aware, but I'm ready to take control and make 2021 the best year ever.

But to do that, I'm going to have to make some beautiful New Year's resolutions, and I think that my very first resolution will be to start an audio diary. Look at that. Number one, done. Perfect. This is really easy. Number two, resolution is going to be a little bit harder for me to achieve. Resolution number two is stop declaring war on people.

I need to learn to deal with my feelings in a mature way. And if I'm angry at the cashier at the store or my mailman or a member of my family, I need to stop writing declarations of war and presenting them to them. and telling them that I'm going to destroy them. Resolution number three, which is one that I failed in 2020 and am thus trying again in 2021, is to keep it real. And resolution number four, my fourth and final resolution, will be to live my life to the fullest.

I'm going to take as many vacations as I can. I'm going to eat as much delicious food as I can, and I am not going to let anything stop me from enjoying my life and living dangerously like an action movie star. January 6th. Well, it seems like my resolutions aren't going well because my first vacation was a complete bust. I took the absolute worst guided tour of the Capitol building today. It was a complete farce.

There was people running everywhere. I don't know how they expected us to hear a single detail of, the information. I think a person even fell asleep at one point during the tour because of the lack of information that was being taught. And in addition to that, when I tried to ask for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's autograph, she maced me in the eyes and I had to write her name down in my bitch book, which is a list of everybody in the world that I think is bitches. But because I had freaking mace in my eyes, I couldn't write well, and I accidentally wrote down Alito Ococosoconos, which isn't even a real person, so now my bitch book is ruined, and I had to

throw it in the trash. January 10th. Resolution number four is still giving me a lot of trouble. I was trying to live dangerously, and I ate five full bags of County Fair Carmelcorn, and I am suffering my first tummy ache of the year, and folks, it's really, really, really bad. And I'm thinking that I might just want to have three resolutions this year at this point. But I'm not the kind of guy who gives up on resolutions. And I think that to remove Resolution 4 would also be a violation of Resolution 3 at keeping it real. So I'm going to persist forward and probably try to eat another bag of County Fair Carmelcorn tonight. January 15th, a squirrel got into the house today. I think through the window I leave open in case fairies are real.

And I had a hell of a time trying to hunt that bugger down. I was trying to find my pellet gun to shoot at it. But unfortunately, I couldn't find the gun and could only find the pellets. So it was running around my living room and I was throwing pellets at it with my hand because I got to say I got a pretty mean fastball in Little League as a kid. So I have to imagine that throwing pellets would be similar. It turns out it wasn't at all. The pellets were bouncing everywhere, and I ended up throwing out so many of them

that when I gave up and tried to walk to the kitchen to pour myself a drink of water, I slipped and my head went through the coffee table, and I was stuck upside down in that position for about three hours. I couldn't find the squirrel, so I have to assume that it went back out, probably through the window in the basement that I leave open in case gnomes are real.

January 27th. After about a week of looking, I finally found my pellet gun, but I used up all the pellets by throwing them at that squirrel. So it's pretty much useless to me now. I was walking out back to throw out the pellet gun in the recycling. I assume it's got to be recyclable when I thought about how strange it would look to my neighbors if they saw me throwing away a gun in the bin behind my house. So I thought better of it and brought the gun back inside and put it under one of my couch cushions in case any more pellets crossed my path. But then I was thinking about how it must have looked even stranger if any neighbors were looking at me to see me carrying a gun out to the recycling bin and then decide not to throw it out and bring it back inside. So I dialed up my

neighbors one by one on the phone and told them all that if they saw me doing anything today, they were dreaming. February 3rd. Well, I'm not happy to report that today I did break my second resolution of no more declaring wars on people. Yes, my mailman did that thing I hate again of when he drops the lid of the mailbox very loudly after he puts the envelopes into it. And I just about lost my shit and I pulled out a piece of printer paper and a Sharpie and I wrote Declaration of War and then a bunch of squiggles that looked like fine print and I marched my ass outside and I handed him that sheet of paper and told him I was declaring war on him. And he said again, and I said, yes again.

And he said, I thought you said you were turning over a new leaf. And I said, well, I was, but I turned it back over the other way. And he said, I know by now that this whole war thing is a fluke. You're just a freak. You're not actually going to declare any real kind of war on me. And I said, just you wait, mister. And I went back inside and I got the pellet gun. And I showed it to him.

And I said, this is my war gun. I'm a soldier of war. And I don't think he liked that very much because he pretty much just left without saying anything. I really think I should have recycled that pellet gun when I originally meant to, so I might do that tomorrow. February 10th. Well, a few days ago, I went to put the pellet gun in the recycling bin,

and then I thought about how strange it would look if the neighbor saw me throwing it away. So I brought it back inside and put it under the couch cushion, but then I thought about how strange it would be for the neighbors to see me try to throw it away and then think better of it and bring it back inside. So I was about to call my neighbors and explain that they were dreaming when I realized that I had already done all this before and forgotten. So instead I spent a few days practicing pellet gun tricks like spinning it around

and shooting it out of my sleeve like Travis the pickle does in one of my favorite movies, Taxi Driver. And I think I'm pretty much ready for if the mailman ever decides to deliver mail here again. I'm going to scare the shit out of him, and I have the perfect plan. February 14th. Well, the mailman took my gun. Here's how it happened. Basically, I had a plan where I knew that the mailman would have to come to my house today because it's February 14th, Valentine's Day.

And I always get a really thoughtful Valentine's card from Stinky Steve, the prison inmate I used to be pen pals with a few years ago. He always writes the nicest things, and he puts it in a cute little call. card, the kind that plays a song when you open it. Last year's song was Sexy Beck by Justin Timberlake. And the year before that, it was raining on Valentine's Day. So the envelope got wet. And when I opened the card to hear the song, it just sounded like,

do, do, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And the year before that, he got one of those cards where you can record your own audio message, and he sang an original song of his own composition called, I hate being in jail. Anyway, when I saw the mailman walking up with a bright, hot pink envelope, I knew it was my time to shine. I ran outside holding the pellet gun,

loaded with frozen peas, of course, and I pointed it directly at his forehead. And I said, do you feel lucky mailman? Go ahead. Give me my mail and make my day too. And he just pretty much took away the gun. He said he knew it was fake all along and that if it wasn't, I would be in big, big trouble,

and me and Stinky Steve would be having a different kind of Valentine's stay together. And I didn't know what that meant, but I thought that was really nice. So we hugged it out, and I think I'm going back to my No More War Resolution, because hugging my mailman is a lot nicer than brandishing a gun at him, at least until he bangs the lid of the mailbox too loud again. February 28th. Met a really cool guy at the grocery store today. He was wearing a bright red double-breasted suit.

and had extremely pronounced canine teeth. He approached me after the checkout person turned me away for being $5 short on my groceries. They said I was taking too long to decide which cereal box to put back, so I had to put everything back. I think that's fucking bullshit. But anyway, this guy came up to me, and he said he noticed my predicament,

and he could spot me the $5. I said, sure, what's the catch? He said, no catch, and smiled in a really big and cool way. Then he took out a giant scroll and a quill, and he asked me to sign my full name on it. He said all I had to do was pay him back the $5 by the end of the month, or I would owe him my soul, or something like that. I'm not sure if he said soul or something else. Can't remember.

Anyway, I knew I had about three days to scrounge up the $5 to pay this guy back, so I smiled and nodded, and I wrote my name down on the dotted line. The man licked his lips and handed me a $5 bill that was red instead of green, and then I think he vanished in a giant puff of smoke, though it could have been a trick of the fluorescent lighting or a highly developed special effect. With the $5 bill in hand, I was ready to buy all my groceries. It hadn't really mattered that much to me that I couldn't afford the grocery since it was just cereal, but the extra $5 was worth it to see how angry the checkout cashier looked when she saw me get back in line.

2021 is shaping up to be low-key dope a. F. March 5th. Been feeling strangely empty lately. March 14th. Today is pie day. I don't go in for all that math shit, so to me, today is a food holiday. I decided to celebrate by going. going out to one of my favorite restaurants for dessert.

Once I was seated, I could tell the waiter was giving me the stink eye, probably because I hadn't showered in a while, and I smelled pretty stink eye. I said, hey man, what the hell are you looking at? And then called him Bub, which is one of the most cutting insults you can call a grown man. Well, one thing led to another, and I soon found myself not eating pie like I had wanted, but instead washing dishes in the back of the restaurant. Not because I owed money for a meal or anything,

but just because I felt really bad for calling the waiter, Bub. March 17th. That's right, baby. It's St. Patrick's Day. And I'm recording this one in the morning, because you know what happens during the day and night of St. Patrick's Day. That's right. I shouldn't even have to say it.

Tonight for St. Patrick's Day, I'm heading out, and I'm drinking myself so silly that I can't walk, speak, or breathe unassisted. but we all know what goes down before you head to the bar on St. Paddy's Day. That's right, you got a pregame, baby, and I love to pregame before going to the bar by drinking a bunch of beers at my house. But I also like to do my own special thing, where before the pregame, I will pregame that by eating lots of pretzels to make sure that I have food in my stomach before I drink a lot of beers. The issue with that is the pretzels can often dry me out.

So I like to pregame my pretzels. pregame by drinking a whole lot of water also at my house. But the thing about the water pregame is I usually like to add a little post game after the water pregame but before the pretzel pregame where I go to the bathroom because the water makes me need to pee really bad. The order of all the pregames can be very confusing. Sometimes I'll accidentally do pretzel pee water or beer water pea pretzel or pretzel pretzel pretzel and it's very difficult to get it all right before i head out to the bar and that's why a few years ago i hired those contractors to come in and paint a big flow chart on the wall of my bedroom that i get to use once a year and today's finally the exciting day i get to look at it

that's just the magic of old saint patty march 20th today's the vernal equinox so in the the spirit of the pagans, I sacrificed a few Hershey bars to my stomach. Yum! I also took a nice walk and ate several other pieces of good food as well. It's lucky that the length of day and night are exactly equal today, because I had such a great day that I'd like to just dream it all over again tonight, and if the night were any shorter or longer, it would fit unevenly into my dream. March 26th. Saw some kind of specter last night.

It was billowing down the street outside of my bedroom window, and it looked exactly like a grocery bag. But I knew better. I was terrified in quaking under my covers, but then I remembered my resolutions and decided to take life by the horns. So I went to call the police. But unfortunately, I realized I could only remember the first three numbers of the police's phone number.

9-1-2. In such a scary situation, my forgetfulness shook me to my core, so I decided I need to study up. I put on my jacket and walked all the way to the library. It was then that I realized it was 1 a.m., and the library was closed. However, would I get in and study their phone books?

I started to break in, but then the police pulled up. I told them I saw a specter, and they were kind enough to take me home for a small fee of $250. Man, I love the police. April 1st. I am not recording an audio entry right now. And also, I'm completely mute, plus the ability to talk. And I'm dead

I died yesterday And also I don't exist And I never was born at all April fools Had you going pretty good there didn't I Future self listening back to these entries April 4th Easter

to dig my costume out of the closet for my annual gig as Easter Bunny who gets tied to a chair by archetypal father figure character. I'm not exactly sure why they want me to do this every year, but the kids at the Institute for manipulating the mentally disturbed into serial killers sure seem to enjoy the show. Big paycheck. 20 bucks. April 11th. stepped on a banana peel today went flying and got some insane air grazed my knees on the concrete too

when i stood up in front of me there was another banana peel but next to it there was also an orange peel confronted with this matrix morphist style choice i realized that i didn't want to go flying through the air again so i took a big step forward onto the orange peel turns out orange peel turns out orange peel are about a hundred times as slippery as banana peels. I skidded for about a mile before I came to a stop. You wouldn't think an orange peel would be slippery because they don't show it in cartoons like they do with bananas, but apparently when you step on it, you just go crazy.

I puzzled about the philosophy of my choice for a while because it seemed to be between stepping on a banana peel and going flying and grazing my knees or stepping on an orange peel and skidding a mile forward. I couldn't figure out which one I had been supposed to choose, but then I realized the correct choice was to just stand there and never take a step again. The only winning move is not to play. April 22nd. Apparently, today is Earth Day. Uh, isn't every day Earth Day?

Shat my pants today and everyone could smell. April 30th. The end of an era. What era you ask? April. Can't wait for May. Very excited for 420. Just counted the months in my head and realized I missed 420. Guess I'll be smoking a bunch of weed on 520 for the 17th year in a row. May 4th. Made an unpleasant discovery today. Turns out today on Star Wars Day, people say, may the 4th be with you.

I always thought they were saying, may the force be with you. like from Star Wars, and I thought today's date was called May Force, but it turns out it's actually called May 4th. I guess that makes sense, because I can't think of another month that has a force, but I do think today should be called May Force, because otherwise the quote doesn't make any sense. So, I've decided to write to my local representative in government, whoever that may be, to change the name of today's date to May Force. I am taking out my ballpoint pen and I am writing a letter on my finest stationary. A sticky note with a drawing of a stick figure getting fucked in the bottom right corner from an old flip book I made

last week. May 5th. The disappointing revelations just keep coming. Turns out today's called May 5th, not Cinco de Mayo. I wrote another letter to my representative on another sticky note and then I wrote about a hundred more letters, because I really wanted to get to the bottom of the stack of sticky notes and see the stick figure in the flip book climaxing. May 9th. Today is Mother's Day. I went to the grocery store, and I bought a really nice bouquet of flowers, and I put it on the windowsill in my kitchen. Then I took a picture of it and sent it to my mom, and also sent her a request to play sea battle over I message. I hope she likes it. May 20th. Today is my backup 420 day that I always used to smoke weed when I forget about

420. And man, I am hell of high right now. I can't stop thinking about some crazy ass weed shit. For example, something I just thought about a minute ago was what if a table had three legs. I was laughing my ass off at how random and weird that thought was. Then I thought about what if a chair had three legs. I freaked out and I was slapping my knee from laughing so hard from being so high. Then I thought about, what if a table had two legs? And if a chair also had two legs. I was laughing so hard, I damn near peed myself. Then I did pee myself because I couldn't stop laughing thinking about a chair and table with two legs each. Then I had a crazy ass high thought. What if a table had two legs and a chair also had two legs and you combine them together and it kind of made a really

long chair with four legs. That scared me. There would be no more laughs today because I had a giant panic attack. May 24th. Was craving some freaking coffee this morning, so I headed to Starbucks, where I witnessed a master at work. I was waiting to get my drink, and this guy headed up to the register to order. He ordered just a plain tap water, and when they asked him his name, he pulled out his iPad and showed them a web page called List of Every Name. After that, he just walked over to the pickup counter and took every drink and put them in a big garbage bag. He stood there for like 15 minutes and kept doing it. Every drink that would get made and put on the counter, he'd pick it up and put it in his garbage bag, and there was nothing anybody could do about it because they

all had his name on it. After he had been doing this for a while, he took the bag outside to the parking lot and unlocked his car. He popped the trunk and took out a giant straw. Then he started drinking all the drinks out of the bag with the giant straw. I bet it tasted disgusting, but the sweet taste of a con well pulled had to have overpowered that. I saw the manager of the Starbucks print out a picture of him and put it up behind the counter so they knew to keep them out of the place. Man, I'd love to have my picture up in that Hall of Fame behind the counter someday. Right between Aaron through Zydarius The Garbage Bag Genius

and Marvin the bathroom masturbator. June 1st. It sure is starting to get warm outside. I sweat through my shorts and then I sweat through my underpants. Then I realized I was wearing my underpants outside of my shorts. I can't believe I was doing this all year

and nobody said anything to me. June 7th. Was out walking around the mall parking lot picking grass out of the parking lot islands and throwing it in people's hair all day when I got really thirsty. I headed to the vending machine to score a cool bottle of water when I realized I hadn't brought my coins with me. Drew up a plan for how to steal a bottle of water from the vending machine on the back of a bald guy's head and then he turned out to be a mannequin. So the first step of my plan defend self from angry bald guy

was unneeded headed to the vending machine to enact my plan I figured it must detect quarters on a weight-based system so I reached into my pocket and pulled out enough sand to roughly equal the weight of a quarter

started funneling the sand into the coin slot of the vending machine but nothing happened except for the people behind me in line getting very very angry turns out I should not have crossed out the first step of my plan after all. A very thirsty bald guy hit me with his belt. June somethingth. Forgot what day it is today. Gonna have to get back to you on this one.

June 24th. The last entry was on June 15th. Well, anyway, I was looking out the window today and I saw a bunch of kids playing outside. It reminded me of my childhood. My favorite game to play with my friends was hide and seek we were all really good at hiding so we decided to invent a new version of the game called hide it was like hide and seek but there was no seeker we would all just hide for very long periods of time it ended up being pretty lucky that we invented this new game because a few months later creepy old mr henderson invented his own new game seek june 31st halfway through the year, and I can't fucking do this anymore. I have not been living according to my resolutions.

Yeah, sure, I started an audio diary. That one was easy, and it basically didn't count. But I already declared war on someone in the very first month, which I wasn't supposed to do, and I'm not certain, but I don't think I kept it very real either. Also, I've barely done anything cool. this year at all. I only took one vacation and I just been sitting around and going to the grocery store and other stores. I'm not seizing life by the horns at all or living it to its fullest. This is fucked up. I'm not appreciating my life one bit and that needs to change today. That's right.

Earlier today, I went to a back alley and I talked to a mysterious man and yes, I bought a bomb, A time bomb, to be exact, and I right now am drilling into my wall, and I am putting the bomb into my wall where it will tick unseen by me, but I will know it's there, and I will know it is counting down the seconds until it explodes. When will it explode? Why, exactly six months from now on New Year's Eve, the end of the year, the specter of impending doom, will force me to live my life as it should be lived. I should appreciate every day like it could be my last. With the knowledge that I am going to die with certainty if I don't turn off this bomb by the end of the year,

I will seize life by the horns and I will live every day like it could be my last. Yep, I'm jigsawing myself. I know this is extreme, but this is the only way I can think of to really get myself to a. enjoy my life and push me to my limit. July 1st. Hit my head pretty hard last night. Can't remember a single thing I did all day yesterday.

All I can remember is I was looking for a Cheeto on the floor of the living room and I must have hit my head on the coffee table when I stood back up. Not sure why I was looking for a Cheeto because I haven't bought Cheetos in years, but I figure I must have been thinking maybe there's one on the ground left over from a few. few years ago. Either way, just going to sit inside today. Hearing strange noise is coming from the walls, but pretty sure it's just my imagination. Or my neighbors listening to a ticking clock over their Bluetooth speakers. July 4th. Wow, today's my birthday. One of the most exciting days of the year. I ate so many delicious treats today. I had a slice of banana cake, a slice of New York

baked cheesecake, a slice of chocolate coconut cake, a slice of carrot and walnut cake, a slice of lemon yogurt cake with syrup, a chocolate mud cupcake, a slice of flowerless orange cake, a vanilla cupcake, a slice of basic sponge cake, a slice of chocolate birthday cake, a slice of classic no-bake vanilla cheesecake, a slice of gluten-free Persian cake, a red velvet cupcake, a slice of baked lemon cheesecake, a slice of chocolate mud cake, a slice of hummingbird cake, a slice of Jenny's coffee cake, a slice of baked lemon cheesecake, a slice of flowerless chocolate cake, a slice of black forest cake, a slice of layered rainbow cake, a slice of triple chocolate cheesecake, a slice of no-baked spider web cheesecake, a slice of chalk honeycomb ice cream cake,

a slice of traditional fruit cake, a slice of cinnamon tea cake, a slice of marble cake, a slice of lemon and coconut cake, a slice of double chocolate moose cake, a slice of raw strawberry cheesecake, a slice of apple and strawberry crumble, a slice of gluten-free chocolate loaf, a white chocolate mud cake pop, a slice of New York cheesecake, a slice of white chocolate mud cake, a slice of caramel mud cake, a slice of white chocolate cheesecake, a slice of flowerless orange cake, a slice of white chocolate and raspberry cake, a slice of banana caramel cake, a slice of passion fruit cheesecake, a slice of Martha's banana and coconut, strucel coffee cake, a slice of baked caramel cheesecake, a slice of orange and almond cake, a slice of zucchini and walnut cake, a slice of

raspberry and almond cake, and a quick-mixed chocolate cake. I also got my candy shoebox out of the closet, and I enjoyed a lifesaver, a Hershey's bar, a Hershey's Kiss, an Eminem, a pretzel Eminem, a Pumpkin Spice Eminem, a Skiddle, a Twizzler, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, a Reese's piece, a Reese's Krispy Crunchy Bar, a Dumbs Pop, a Starburst, a Swedish Fish, an Airhead, a Kit Kat, an Almond Joy, a Twix Bar, a Three Musketeers Bar, a Three Musketeers Mint Bight, a Milky Way Bar, a Milky Way Midnight Dark Bar, a Tootsie Roll, a Tootsie Pop, a Peanut Eminem, a Werther's Original, a Sour Patch Kid, a Milk Dud, a sweet tart, a nerd, a laughy-taffy, a gobstopper, a mounds bar, and a Snickers bar.

That was just about one of the most delicious birthdays I ever had, and right now I'm feeling great. July 5th. Oh, my stomach. July 6th. Oh! July 7th. Ow! July 8th.

July 9th July 10th July 10th Ow July 11th Oh my stomach still hurts July 12th Oh

July 13th July 13th July 14th July 15th Oh, wow 16th. July 16th. July 17th, feeling a lot better today. July 18th, ate too much popcorn.

Oh. August 1st. Some weird stuff happened to me last night. I walked to 7-Eleven to harass the cashier, and when I was done, I accidentally went out a door different than the one I usually go out of, and instead of walking the half-mile home, I accidentally walked 27 miles directly into the wilderness. I had no idea where I was, and it was pretty dark, and I was pretty scared, but then I came across some farmland.

A strange farmer in tattered clothing beckoned me to the farmhouse, so I walked to over. He opened the barn door, and I followed him in. I sat down with him in there and asked if I could spend the night in his barn because I was lost and afraid. He said I was welcome to sleep there on a bale of hay, but I might not want to after I heard his dark secret. I was already kind of lying down on the hay, and I was very excited because it was very comfortable. In fact, since last night I've been looking into getting my bed replaced with a bail of hay. I'm trying to keep the bed frame, though, because I'm worried about destroying the habitat of whatever could be living under my bed. Anyway, I asked the farmer what his dark secret was, and he looked at me with a

brooding expression and told me he was a pedophile. I said, wow, yeah, you're right. I mean, I'm not a child or anything, but knowing that, I definitely don't want to stay in your barn, sir. I'm very sorry. He said, that's understandable. My farming partner left me for the same reason. His name was Steve Jobs, and I always wondered what happened to him. I told him, I think Steve Jobs is dead. And he said, I knew that lousy fuck would never amount to anything. I said, anyway, sir, why are your clothes tattered? Does that have anything to do with you being a pedophile? And he said, no, I'm actually also a werewolf. And I said, oh, geez, is tonight a full moon? and he said, no, it's only a half moon, so I won't transform into a werewolf tonight. Don't worry.

I said, well, I won't worry about that, but I kind of wish that it was a full moon tonight. You might be the only werewolf I've ever encountered that's actually less evil during a full moon. And then I thought about it for a second, and I asked, are you still a pedophile when you're a werewolf? He shrugged and said, beats me. So, I decided against staying in the farmer's barn, and I ended up calling an Uber home. My Uber driver's name was Babatope, and his fun fact on his profile page was that he loved to dance in public. I tipped him a big smile. August 8th.

Played the worst video game of all time today. It was called Super Mario Bros. Basically, in this boring-ass game, you play as a little question mark block that doesn't move at all, and you essentially just sit there, and then this little red guy comes and jumps under you and turns you brown. So boring. I prefer this game called Sonic the Hedgehog. Basically, you play as this timer at the top of the screen that ticks down from 10 minutes to zero,

and once it gets to zero, I think you win. It's extremely fun because you also get to look at a still image of a blue hedgehog standing in place while you play. August 11th. I went to the circus today, and I was expecting to have a really good time, but something terrible happened. During the performance, I started to feel lightheaded because of how many animals I could see,

so I went outside of the tent to get some fresh air. As I was pacing around, I noticed a big carrot in the ground. I thought getting some food in my stomach could be pretty good for me, so I went and pulled it out of the ground. I realized that it wasn't a carrot, but actually one of the stakes holding up the circus tent. I realized this too late, though, as I had already pulled up 12 more. The tent collapsed and its fabric blanketed everyone inside, suffocating several elephants and several lions. The police showed up on the scene and were trying to figure out who did it.

They almost nabbed me, but they ended up booking this guy who I guess was there to protest the use of animals in the circus. I thought he might have been an animal rights guy or something, but he turned out he was protesting the use of animals because of how much he hated animals. The police ended up picking him up because he was wearing a shirt that said, I hate elephants and lions. I felt pretty guilty about the wrong guy taking the fall when I got home, and I thought about turning myself in, but I realized that if I did, they'd probably make me give the stakes back, and I had already used them to hang up a painting I bought off Etsy, a beautifully detailed map of Hogsmead from the Harry Potter books, the town where I had grown up in my story where I was the son of Ron Weasley and Ron Weasley's wife.

August 21st. Fell into a bucket of Needs. neon paint on the way to the park today, decided to make the most of it and stand in the middle of a four-way intersection and pretend to be a crossing guard, was able to cause about 17 accidents before somebody said, hey, that's not a crossing guard, he's just covered a neon paint. Not quite a personal best, but I'll take it. When I finally got to the park, nobody would look me in the eye because I screamed at this guy's dog there yesterday. August 25th. stuck under my weighted blanket again today that's what I call my down comforter because of all those heavy feathers inside of it ended up escaping by biting a hole in the cover of the comforter

and sucking out the feathers like snake venom and spitting them out onto the floor allergies are going crazy today and I'm not sure whether it's from the feathers or the bales of hay that I replaced my bed couch and chairs with the bales of hay are nice but they have a little more give that I'm used to and aren't giving me the back support that I need when I lie down. So I'm thinking of replacing them with huge granite slabs. September 4th. Ugh, back to school day. This is the worst time of the year.

Let my son out of his box and drove him to school and dropped him off. And then all these other parents were trying to introduce themselves to me on the schoolyard. And it's like, will you guys shut up? I don't see why we should have to be on a first-name basis with each other if we're only seeing each other once a year anyway. Just leave me alone. Then, I drove back home, and my freaking wife was yelling at me all day once I got back. She's such a bitch, almost as much of a bitch as Alito Ocococonos.

Man, I worked hard today. I deserve a vacation. September 11th. I feel like there's something about to... that I'm supposed to know, but I can't remember. I've been racking my brain all day, but I can't think of a single thing. I mean, if it was a holiday, I'm sure I'd remember. Or maybe it's just some other kind of special day. Did something happen today? I seriously can't remember. I'm just sitting here, and it hurts my brain how hard I'm thinking trying to remember what happened

today. Oh, well, if I can't think of it, it must not have been very important. September 19th. Ar, it be talk like a pirate day, matey. One of my favorite holidays. I don't even need to check the calendar to remember this one, matey. Only a landlubber would forget. Talk like a pirate day. Arr.

September 25th. Couldn't sleep last night because of how excited I was about today. September 25th, it's ghost hunting day. I picked up the cake that I ordered from the bakery for today, and then I hung my head and spent a moment of silence before I ate it, remembering all the people who were turned into ghosts. And the ghost hunters that have been lost in the line of duty. Today has got to be one of the most important days of September. September 28th. I realized I was wrong about National Ghost Hunting Day being one of the most important days in September. It's actually today, September 28th, World Rabies Day.

Today is a day to remember and honor the victims of the rabies disease, which has a 99.9% mortality rate. What a tragic day. Everybody should remember this day and should never forget the events that have transpired on September 28th, when we remember those that we lost to having too much foam in their mouths. October 2nd. to go buy a new mirror today. The one of my bedroom is broken. It keeps showing a horned demon behind me over my shoulder, and then when I turn around, it's not even there. Went to Home Depot to pick up a new mirror, and when the attendant guy was helping me get it down from the shelf, he dropped it,

and it shattered all over the ground. He freaked out, saying he couldn't handle that much bad luck. I said, don't worry, man. It's only one year of bad luck. He said, No, if you break a mirror, it's seven years of bad luck. I said, no, look right here. And I pulled out my pocket-sized copy of a dog's guide to bad luck curses and showed him, it said, If you break a mirror, it's one year of bad luck. He said, I'm not talking about dog years. I'm talking about human years.

I said, how the hell was I supposed to know we were talking about human years? October 11th. Today is Columbus Day. Although I guess now, due to certain PC culture developments, people are saying it should actually be called Indigenous People's Day, because Columbus was actually indigenous or something like that? I don't really keep up with the conflict, and I'm not sure which side I'm supposed to take. So I've been calling it, everybody just stopped fighting and hug it out day, which hasn't made anybody mad out of the two homeless people that I told it to so far. I realized I don't know what I'm dressing up as for Halloween, so I had to have a brainstorm session. Having a really hard time settling on something.

I have to strike a balance between scary and fun, because I don't want to scare people too bad, but I also want to be at least a little scary because, you know, it's Halloween. First idea was a spider, and I decided that was too scary. then my second idea was a caterpillar i thought that wasn't scary enough so i've been sitting here all day rubbing my temples trying to think of what's the exact scariness level between a spider and a caterpillar and i couldn't think of anything just realized just now it's probably a bumblebee going to dress as a bumblebee for halloween gonna have to go costume shopping october 27th went shopping for some parts of my bumblebee costume today, bought a bright yellow outfit with the intention to paint black

stripes onto it when I got home. Put on the yellow outfit in the store before I walked home to take it for a test run, but then one of the guys whose accident I caused when I was covered in neon paint walked into the store, and he saw me wearing a yellow outfit and tackled me because he thought I was on my way to cause more accidents as a fake crossing guard. I tried to explain myself, but he hit me in the face pretty hard, so I couldn't speak for a good 15 minutes. Ended up returning the yellow outfit and buying a black outfit instead, with the intention to paint yellow stripes onto it when I got home. But I didn't wear it out of the store just in case anybody thought I was an evil shadow.

I was looking for a headband with antennas on it, but couldn't find them at the store. So I ended up having to settle for buying two wizard hats that I would wear on my head and hope that they look like antennas. Couldn't find a stinger either, so I bought a third wizard hat to wear on my butt as a stinger. I was going to try to use some other wizard hats to make it look like I had six legs, but thought better of it and decided to amend my costume to be a four-legged bumblebee. October 31st, the scariest day of the year, Halloween. Wish my neighbors would turn down their creepy ambient sound effects.

They're really boring this year. They just sound like this. I really prefer those ambient Halloween soundscapes that are like clanking chains and wailing ghosts, but that's neither here nor there. Scared the shit out of some trick-or-treaters tonight with my bumblebee costume. They got so scared they started laughing. Like in a movie when somebody almost gets hit by a car and they're so scared that the adrenaline causes them to laugh maniacally? Didn't give out any candy to the trick-or-treaters this year.

didn't really feel like digging any out of my candy shoebox. That stuff's all for me. Instead, I handed out little slips of paper that said, Imagine the delicious taste of a decadent candy bar. Most of the kids didn't like that very much, but I could tell a few of the losers thought it was delightfully postmodern. November 3rd. It's starting to get cold out.

I decided to take a nice long walk today before winter really sets in. after wandering around the park for a while i went through a strange tunnel and found myself before an immense castle a giant door was set into the wall there guarded by two identical twins i walked up to them and said what's up the first twin said where are the identical twin guards the second guard said yes we're twins and we finish each other's sentences and then the first twins said guard said period i said can i go inside this castle it looks pretty cool and the first one said you're going to have to solve our puzzle first you see i am the brother who always tells the truth and the second guard said and i am the one who always does dares i said well okay i dare you to let me into the castle and the second one said damn and he opened the door for me and as i walked in i turned to the first one and said also who do you have a crush on and he blushed and said i don't want to play any more and ran into the woods and hid behind a tree i wandered around the inside of the castle for a while but it was

pretty boring all old and stone and stuff eventually i came to the huge throne room it was beautiful. There was a giant golden chair, and sitting in it was an old withered king, dressed in shimmering robes and golden chain mail with an ornate crown atop his head. He outstretched a gnarled hand towards me and beckoned me forward. I approached the throne and knelt before him. I accidentally knelt directly into a puddle, but I thought that if I stood up, he might kill me, so I had a really wet knee for the rest of the day. In a quivering, reedy voice, the king told me he was king of the park, and he had been for almost 200 years, but now he was getting old, and he needed an heir. He told me I was the first worthy individual who passed the first two tests.

The first one was to even find the castle in the first place, and the second was to bypass the fearsome twin guards who guarded the door. I asked what the third test was, and he said, I had to pull a sword from a stone. He gestured to his right, and I looked, and there it was, a massive broadsword protruding from a big, rough boulder. I said, well, here goes nothing, and grab the hilt of the sword. With as much strength as possible, I pulled the hilt toward me, but I forgot to brace my foot on the rock because I was still kneeling, and instead of pulling the sword out of the stone, I ended up picking up the rock with the sword and then it flew out of my hands like a golf club

and knocked the king's head off. So now I'm king of the park. I brought the crown home and put it on top of my DVD player in the storage room in my attic. November 8th. Just realized why Stephanie Myers named her vampire series Twilight.

It's because of the similarity between the words crepuscular and corpuscular. Crepascular meaning of resembling or relating to Twilight with corpuscular meaning of or relating to a blood cell. Very clever, Stephanie. I love noticing little Easter eggs like this, like when I realized that ATM machines have an option to check balance so that technicians can come in and make sure that thieves aren't able to tip them over.

November 11th, Veterans Day. Today is a day to honor those who have fought in wars and defended our country. A lot of people will dedicate this day to their great-uncle maybe, or their grandfather, who usually fought in one war, two at most. But I know somebody who deserves this day way more than any of those losers. My mailman has fought in over 50 wars against me. And now that we're in a period of truce, I think it's time that I honor him. So, I went to the post office a few days ago to send myself a letter to make sure that I'd see him today.

When he walked up to the house, he saw me holding something behind my back, and he said, That better not be another lasso. I said, no, don't worry, Mr. Mailman, this is for you, and I showed him what was behind my back. It was a bouquet of flowers that I present. to him. He said, these flowers are old and dead and dry and horrible. And I said, well, yeah, of course. I bought them on May 9th, Mother's Day. So, of course, they're going to be all fucked up by now. I can't show you a really nice picture I took of them on the day that I bought them. And then I took out my phone to look through my text conversation with my mom to find the picture of the flowers

that I sent her. But I forgot that I delete my text. conversation with my mom every single morning. Not to hide how many times I've lost a sea battle in a row, of course, but rather just to save some space on my phone for my all-important apps. Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, McDonald's, Planet Fitness, Duolingo. These are some of my favorites. My mailman put his hands on my shoulders and said, son, I'm going to be real with you. I know we've had our differences in the past, but if the post office doesn't approve my route change this time around, I'm going to fucking blow my brains out. And when he said that, it affected me really deeply. So, I want to dedicate this audio diary entry to raising awareness for the lack of mental health

resources available to veterans in our country. Veterans die every day because of no good reason, just because they're sad or something, I guess, and because they have no therapist to tell them, listen, man, if you're going to do it, at least wait until after Christmas, so your family can have fun. November 25th, Thanksgiving. I know, you're probably expecting me to be saying

I'm super full right now, but I actually didn't get to eat anything today. Here's what happened. I headed over to my uncle's house to meet up with my whole family for Thanksgiving. it was my job there to cook the turkey and i have to say i did a great job i cooked a gigantic 50 pound turkey and basted it with delicious juices and i added all the seasonings and other ingredients that you're supposed to add when you cook a turkey for thanksgiving but then as i walked

from my uncle's kitchen through my uncle's exhibit room into my uncle's dining room i ended up tripping on a replica halberd that was lying on the floor, and the entire turkey flew off of the plate and flew into my uncle's piranha tank, where it was skeletonized in five seconds flat. I put the bones on the plate and kept going into the dining room and tried to pretend that I didn't notice anything had happened, so I wouldn't have to tell anybody it was my fault. You know, like when you throw up on the rug. But everyone noticed, and my uncle started yelling at me. My family said it was my fault that there would be no turkey on Thanksgiving, and who knows,

maybe they were right. My uncle got out his mind control wand, which was a stick that he had conditioned and trained me as a child to obey any command while it was pointed at me, kind of like a dog or rat in an experiment. Well, he pointed that wand right at me and said, go the hell home, so I had no choice. But that wasn't all. As I was walking out the door, he pointed out of it. me again and said have a bad thanksgiving i thought that was a little over the top but what could i do now

i'm sitting here crying and it's all his fault november 26 black friday wanted to go out on the hunt for deals today for christmas shopping but the spell that my uncle cast on me still hadn't worn off so i couldn't leave the house ended up shopping in my own pantry for christmas gifts and things got a little aggressive toward the end and i broke my nose december first a meteoroid landed in my house today it smashed in through my wall leaving a hole like in luneitunes when bugs bunny smashes through the wall except this hole was meteoroid shaped instead of bugs bunny shaped it hit me right in the face and knocked my nose back into alignment so i was pretty happy at first But then I saw a mysterious green vapor rising from its surface, and I thought, this has to be bad news.

In order to protect everyone in my neighborhood from possible contamination from outer space fumes, I took a deep breath and inhaled every last drop of the green vapor, like bong water. I felt a strange tingling sensation spread from my lungs through the rest of my body, and then I heard a booming voice in my head. It said, your DNA and every aspect of your brain has been completely scanned. Through rapid yet careful analysis of your body, we have now ascertained every strength and weakness of the entire human race, and we will use this to subjugate you in the future.

Don't bother trying to fight back or warn anybody, because we have now cataloged every weapon that your brain is possible of conceiving of, and none of them shall prosper against us. And with that, all of the green vapor flew out of my nose like bong water, and went back into the meteoroid, which

hovered, and flew back out through my wall, leaving a second non-bugs bunny-shaped hole. December 15th. Embarrassing day today. So, I somehow accidentally signed up for a

newsletter called Brain tumor fan club. I guess it's a newsletter for people who are a fan of brain tumors. I really don't want that kind of thing on my phone, so I've been trying to unsubscribe from it, but every time I do, it says, thank you for unsubscribing. Please allow up to three years while we update your email preferences. This wouldn't be too much of an issue, but a while ago I accidentally turned on that setting for weird guys on my iPhone, where whenever I get a notification, my flashlight flashes on and off a bunch of times, and the phone makes a loud noise. And it's been doing that whenever I get the email. And for whatever reason, in the past few days, the Brain Tumor Fan Club has really ramped up

their correspondence. I used to only get like one email every two weeks, but I've been getting like 10 or 20 a day. Anyway, earlier today, I was riding the bus, and my phone started doing the flashlight thing. And the person next to me on the bus, of course, their eye was drawn to the flashlight. They looked over at my phone

and they saw I received an email that was said, it was from Brand Humor Fan Club, and the subject line said, if you are receiving this email, that means you think brain tumors are awesome. The guy next to me said, What the fuck, man? You're in a club

called the Brain Tumor Fan Club and the entire bus started to get really mad at me. I was freaking out and I didn't know what to do, so I got up and walked toward the front of the bus to get off, but right then I received a second email from Brain Tumor Fan Club and it caused my

flashlight to go on and off rapidly again, which I guess gave the bus driver a seizure or something because his limbs all crumpled up and he started foaming at the mouth and the bus swerved off the road and plunged deep into a snowbank. After a few minutes of being trapped in the snow, one by one, the bus passengers started getting rescued by drab-looking women who were probably mentally disturbed, like at the beginning of misery by Stephen King.

The number of passengers in the bus dwindled as more and more got rescued, and eventually it was only me left. A woman wearing a vest and a plaid flannel pulled me out of the snowbank and looked me into my eyes. She said, are you writing a book? I said, no. She said, what about making a movie? I said, also no, though I feel like I might like to someday. I have a lot of stories trapped in this brain of mine, and her eyes lit up and she said, I can work with that. I think we can make a misery situation out of this yet. What's your preferred method of telling a narrative? And I said, well, I'm actually a podcaster. And she shoved me back into the snow, and I had to stay and wait in there for four hours until I was rescued by a passing

dog sled musher. December 24th, Christmas Eve. I can't sleep. I'm too excited. I just need to see what Santa brought me. I forgot to get a tree this year, so I'm hoping that he understands the visual language of me putting out a potted flower on a stool in the place where I would normally put my tree. When I was trying to sleep earlier, I could have sworn I heard the reindeer walking across my roof. Well, it actually sounded more like they were walking through my walls, and instead of reindeer, it sounded a little bit like a clock. I'm so excited. December 25th, Christmas morning.

That fat fuck Santa didn't come through again. I didn't receive a single present. You might think it's because of the whole potted flower thing, but that fucking loser hasn't brought in me. a single gift since I moved out of my mom's house. Thought it might be because maybe he still has my address listed as my mom's address, so I called my mom to see if he left any gifts there for me. She said, come on, and hung up.

I'm pissed the fuck off. I bet she opened my damn presents and now is pretending that Santa didn't bring any there. I bet her and Santa are in cahoots. I would say this is the worst Christmas ever, but it actually comes in third place. after the Christmas where I had a near-death experience and the Christmas where I had two near-death experiences. December 31st, New Year's Eve. Well, it's almost midnight,

and I'm just sitting here reflecting on the year I've had. You know, even though the only resolution I really kept was keeping this audio diary, I'm kind of happy with how the year turned out. Even if I didn't necessarily live my life to its own, fullest, I still had a good time. Maybe it's not about taking life by the horns or going on vacation or eating too much delicious food. Maybe it's just about hanging out and being an asshole to service workers and just chilling out. I feel like I've reached an epiphany today.

2021 may not have been perfect, but it was a good year. Oh no, I'm missing the countdown. Five, four, three, two, one, half.