Podcast About List - Ep. 185 - The People v. Patrick Doran

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

A trial for the horrific and shocking case of the kidnapping of Djungelskog the cute and innocent monkey. featuring Joe and Alex from Home Planet @home__planet go buy tour tickets at www.swagpoop.com/shows

Order. Order. Order. In the court in the court, welcome, dearly beloved. We are gathered here today. for the trial of the people versus Patrick Doran in the case of the heinous and horrible and inhuman kidnapping of beautiful Jungles' group. We need a judge without a bias. Order. Order. Order. My client. Order. I haven't even finished. Sorry. You'll have time for opening statements. I have to start. Now I have to start over. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

in the horrible, terrible, no good crime. of the abuse kidnapping and possibly sexually motivated we are we are now adding that to the list of crimes is not sexual assault and no

yeah we're adding it's not being added you can't you don't you're being tried for it I'm not sure you're going to be found guilty okay opening statements who goes first in court the prosecution

the prosecution I think it's a coin flip, right? Yeah, it's definitely a coin flip. Do you guys want to flip this hammer? Yeah. I don't have a coin. Anyone have a coin? I don't have a coin.

Okay. Okay, I guess we're using a Starbucks lid. Okay, this is going to make it. What's what? Heads is first. I want tails is when it's under, right? Yeah, I want tails. So this is right here, this is this tails right now?

It's tails right now, yeah. Okay, this is to this is to. It's a football where if you win, you get to choose first or second, right? Yeah, sure. Okay. I'm going to flip it. Okay. This is what the judge does in the case. He's the one who flips the coin. It was heads. All right. First or second?

I want first. All right. I want to come at you with the strong arm of the law right now. The long, strong arm of the law. Your honor and people of the jury, including Alex Forrest and Jungleskug, I would like to establish today that there is, is beyond the possibility of reasonable doubt that one Patrick Edward Doran violated New York City's first-degree kidnapping penal law code 135.25. Which states, kidnapping in the first degree essentially amounts to the broad crime of kidnapping in the second degree with one of a few

aggravating factors, which also serve to narrow the kinds of circumstances where the crime is charged by police departments. Kidnapping in the first degree is an A1. felony, punishable by life in prison. Do you understand me? This sounds serious, Mr. Doran. He spent all Saturday writing this. There's no way I'm going to win. A person can, and I believe this day, will, be charged with kidnapping in the first

degree when they commit the crime of kidnapping in the second degree in that they abduct the person, or Yungal Skook, and either when their intent is to hold the person for ransom or compel someone to do or not to do something, what might be called traditional kidnapping, or when the victim is held for more than 12 hours with intent to inflict injury on them, sexually abuse them, advance some other felony, or terrorize the victim or another person. And, Your Honor, I'm here today to prove that Patrick Edward Doran used his captivity of Jungleskug to inflict terror on the employees of this office building.

With his penis. And also he stuck his penis in Jungleskug. I would like to stick my penis in the So let's start with the facts. Okay? Let's start with the facts. Order. Order.

We, Yungle Skug, let me, I'm going to give you guys a quick glimpse into Yungal Skug's life. Yungle Skug was born sometime on Saturday or Friday. What day did we go to I do? It was Friday. Friday. Sometime on Friday, March the 11th. No, it was Thursday. You guys have to talk into the mic so you talk.

No, it was Thursday. Objection, I think it was Thursday. Okay. Sustained. Sustained. He was born on Thursday. It was Thursday. And we, he came back and he found his new home at approximately 4 p.m.

And he found his resting spot. So I want to put you, I want to put you into a place in time. 4 p.m. on a. Thursday. Okay? Youngleskug, the young, brand new to the world, Youngleskug, is introduced to his new home. He's hanging on a set of Christmas lights looking, I mean, dare I say adorable. Any objections? No, I didn't think so. Adorable. So what is the last thing that he thinks in that moment? I'm going to get kidnapped and sexually assaulted by one of my dads. can we agree on that any objections he was not thinking that that that was the last thing on his

young monkey mind then can we stop saying that i sexually assaulted the monkey we can stop objection no grounds for such a claim for which claim sexual assault well that's what the burden's on you to prove that because that's how it works because i don't know if that's how it works Because I said he sexually assaulted Yungleskug. And so you got to prove. We're going to need, listen, buddy. That is slander. Look up Slander.

That is slander. That was slander, and we will counter sue. That's fine. We'll have another, yeah, that's okay. So two days, three days, sorry, three days, after Yungal Skug is brought into this world. Who comes into the office, but Patrick, one of his dads, Patrick Dorn, the defendant.

And what does he do while he's here, but viciously and violently, sexually assaulting uncles? I don't like this anymore. You're going too far with it. And... I'll object. Okay, fine. Maybe he didn't sexually assault him. No grounds for such a client.

Okay, but I'll say this much. Let's slow down on the kidnapping. This is, yeah, it's kidnapping, if anything. This is simple robbery. Okay. Child robbery. Child robbery. Okay.

Kidnapping is actually technically class. So young young Yunglescoop was here, he was sitting on our equipment rack where we... You went right to that. What? You went right to sexual assault, and it was about kidnapping. I kind of got lost I'm doing kind of a dramatic lawyer thing He's trying to scare the people who choose

Listen Whether or not I can prove that Patrick Edward Dorden Sexually Solden Why do you keep saying my last name wrong? Doordes? We've been friends for three years. Whether I can prove that

It doesn't matter if I can prove that today Okay, we're not going to talk about that anymore Today, okay? That's a day That's a day two of the trial. That's a conversation. another day, but not today. So Yungal Skug is sitting on the equipment rack.

Patrick comes in, and we can prove, by the way, ladies and gentlemen, that Patrick did, in fact, come to the office. Do we have evidence for that to present? Let me tell you what. I actually do have evidence to present. Let me see this. And I can not only... I'll be the judge of that.

I can prove that Patrick... How long are opening statements usually going on for? He has... Joe hasn't said a thing. You want to cross-examine? All right, we'll get to evidence later. But, ladies gentlemen, the point is... Please wrap it up.

It's wrap it up, Mr. Pitts. Patrick Edward Dornendon, did, in fact, come in on Sunday, March the 13th, grab Yungles Kug from the equipment rack. Grabbed, leading. What? The word grabbed is... No, overturned. He makes rules.

He's making an accusation that is... It's an opening statement. He did, but how did... Okay. We said we're not doing evidence yet, so we're. You can say whatever he wants. That's right. Placed him in a box at the other end of the office,

wrapped him in a green screen cloth, and left a menacing note that read, and I'd like to just finish my opening statements with this, the haunting, chilling note that he wrote, which is, I mean, it's really, it's terrifying. If you're sensitive to things like this, you may want to cover your eyes. Yungal Skug is gone.

Sad face, sad face. do not look for him he does not want to be found now look at young young skug and tell me that this face wouldn't want to be found your honor I yield my time

okay thanks for yielding your time I don't know you I close my statement all right Mr. Mr. Gleason representing Patrick Doran

you got a hold of a mic close to your face I am Joe Gleason I'm representing Patrick Doran who I know to be a very kind and sweet and generous man. Yesterday at 8.30 p.m. Sunday, Patrick Doran arrived in the office, ready to get some work done at his new set-up desk monitor.

It's an exciting time to be Patrick Doran. That sounds fun. He walks in with his bag of Burger King, and he is repulsed and astonished by this haunting, chilling note that the prosecution just read. before even sending any evidence he said who did it it wasn't me Patrick knows the manner in which his closest friends treat him

antagonize him and berate him regardless of any evidence in any way shape or form he sends a picture of the sign which does read Jungle School is gone, sad face, sad face. Do not look for him. He does not want to be found. That is met with a response by our current judge, who said, you will never get away with this. Which I think throws this whole trial into green. If you can find another judge in 30 seconds, then we'll switch him out.

You have to give it to Alex. he's not a he's not trained to be a judge i've actually i've trained i mean a lot of time at judge school i know you guys might think it's easy he's done bias training i'm see i'm willing to forgive and forget i'm willing to trust cameron on this okay thank you i'm not willing to forgive and forget anything today okay well i'll prove it i'll prove it to you then uh patrick responded with i'm being framed i'm serious patrick has maintained his innocence from the very beginning of this entire unjust much like o j sampson innocent

I mean proven by a court of law to be innocent I'm not saying whatever I said WTF with a crying sad face Cameron said why are you in the office then Patrick said I'm working on my PowerPoint I'm working on my PowerPoint for a show that I'm going to be on at Life World

on the 17th there's tickets online objection no plugs sustained sustained you can't do that in court So what it all boils down to is that Patrick is being blamed for reporting a crime. You mentioned Jungle Scoug's fathers.

You mentioned... I have two points. I have many points. You mentioned Jungle Scuggs' fathers. Jungle Scugue has a very unorthodox kind of parent situation. He has five different fathers, and this is all being pinned on one of the five. And I would say that Patrick Doran should not be on trial. We should be having an open-ended discussion.

on which one of us, all of whom have access to this office, could have come in in the time frame before 830 and since Thursday, whatever, Thursday that 8.4.30. Patrick Doran is not on trial. The office is on trial. Well, that's not true. It's the people versus Patrick Doran. Or I'm saying shouldn't be on trial.

Also, I would just like to kabash any S.A. claims that have been heinously. I dropped it. Levy. Okay. I got a little bit excited. Jungle Scoob. You seem really fixated on this.

I'm not. Caleb is. I haven't talked about it since I said I was going to. Jungle Scoog is just like us. Jungle Scoot is just like us. He has two eyes. He has a nose, a mouth. He has two arms and two feet.

But he has no butthole, and that drove our defendant insane. I would like to, I would like to point out to the jury and to the prosecution, the jungle scoge has no holes. he has no holes that have been made since his birth he is he looks exactly the same and if anything he was he was swaddled

in a little blanket as if he's a small little baby Patrick Doran is one of the kindest sweetest men I know what does it smell like this kind of smells like a penis objection what are you talking about Okay, so what happens after the opening statements?

I'd like to call to stand Patrick Doran. Okay. Okay. That's a gavel. It's a gavel in an egg carton, for the people listening at home. Okay. Here, we can take this mind.

I can't stay any way. Hi, Patrick. Hey. So Patrick It's my old roommate Hey Hi I used to be roommates

But now we're not Patrick what were you doing yesterday Yesterday Your day began My day began I woke up I was with my girlfriend And then

I walked her to the train What time is that train At 12 noon Proceed what happened next Okay then I went back home And I took a shower do you have proof perhaps pictures of you in the shower i have a picture i do i have a picture of me

after the shower because i was going to wear a crazy outfit i have a photo can we i have a photo of the crazy outfit can we see the crazy outfit here yes is there a timestamp with there's a time stamp on the crazy outfit It is at exactly 1 p.m. I wore a shirt, a sweater that says golf on it with real tree pants, and I sent a picture of that to my girlfriend, and I asked, does this go? Okay, continue. It did it go.

She said I looked handsome enough that she didn't care. Do you wear the outfit? I did not wear the outfit. I switched because I felt that it looked, it was too much. So Patrick is, Patrick is under the impression that wearing a fun, you know, exciting outfit is too much business for just a normal day, let alone a kidnapping and a crime. And I had plans to go skateboarding. Which, again, there are receipts, there are pictures. If you know anything about Patrick Doran, he loves to skateboard.

He's great at it. He's the best skateboarder I know. Already a criminal is what you're saying. We've established that he already commits crimes on a daily basis. Objection, skateboarding's in the Olympics. Skateboarding's cool now. Yeah, in China, in America, it seems illegal to skateboard. Objection, racist.

Yes. Patrick Doran is guilty of... Yes. Reporting. Damn. What the fuck? Patrick Doran was just reporting a crime, and we also have a statement from Patrick

that goes through his day. I said it already. I said the same thing. Okay. He said the same thing. Okay. So I went, wait, I left out, so I went, I did that. Oh, you left out when you're kidding that.

No, I went to, I went to, I have an actual receipt of a purchase that I made. I bought new trucks. Let's see it. I have, well, there's a, it's right there. Okay, well, that's not a receipt. That's a skateboard. Okay. I'll pull up my Discover card account.

And can you read the card number out to the, for the, um... I'd like to get cross-examination when you get a chance. I would just like to, I think you can cross-examine Patrick as much as you want, but I think that you will... Transaction, okay, it has a transaction date. He's sweet of heart, and he doesn't want. to hurt anyone. Okay. Patrick, how are you today? I'm good. Yeah? I'd be better if I wasn't being framed.

You got a smile on your face? I'd be better if I wasn't being framed by my closest friends. I'm going to ask the questions, okay, and you're going to answer them. That's how this works. All right? Would you say, if you could describe your Sunday afternoon with one emoji, what would it be? Um Can I look through the emojis? Nope, nope Probably just the one that's like this. Which one is that?

I can't see your mind. The straight line. Okay. The gym face emoji is what you're saying. Just a day where you kidnap someone is a normal day for you. You're the judge and you're not allowed to speak. Order. Order. You're not allowed to.

I'm the one who tells you you're not allowed to speak. You're not allowed to speak for the rest of the cross-examination. No, that fucks me up. Okay. Okay. So, you said the Jimface one.

Okay. And where does Jim Halpert work? I order you to speak. The office. Dunder Mifflin. Gotcha. So what I have so far, from what you've said in just this short time

that I've had you, is you've mentioned emojis and you've mentioned the office. You were leading me. as in. Objection leading is completely fine and you do it all the time. I'm looking up the rules of court right now. There are some courts that let you lead and some that don't and we're the one that lets you lead. And I'd like to ask you... It's just based on the court. I'd like to ask you a few more questions here, Patrick. What time did you arrive at the office on March 13th? 830. 830.

Gotcha. So 830 is when you say you arrived. Around. 830. Around 830. Okay, so now you're changing... So anywhere between 825 to 830. Okay. All right. So you're changing the time a lot, which is perfectly fine if you're a huge liar.

Like, I wouldn't do it, but if you want to, that's fine. By almost five times... Here's my big question. The photo composition of the photo that you took of the ransom note, we'll call it a ransom note for now. is so kind of perfect. It follows every compositional rule of photography, rule of thirds, background foreground, you even added a little flare of your Burger King bag in the back.

Okay? So my question is, if you, if any reasonable person arrived, excuse me, if any reasonable person arrived at the office and saw the horror that Patrick Witnesses, on that day, allegedly, that he alleges he witnessed and did not cause. Would you be able to even take one second of a break from crying your eyes out? Nope. To take a perfect photo like that.

Because I'm going to speak for myself, and I think the rest of the office, when I say, no. No. I would be losing my mind. It would look like a still from Cloverfield. There's no possible way that I can take such a perfect photo. thing to him. He took time to put the Burger King

bag down behind the sign. That's a good point. Do you have a Burger King? And you did not... And you, listen, I'd like to make one more point. Before even looking for Jungleskug and worrying about his well-being,

you were taking photos and messaging the group chat to establish your innocence before you even looked for him. Your instinct, was to protect yourself before your child. He's not my kid. Whoa.

I don't care if he looted. Can everyone gasp for a soundbite? What did you just say? What did he say? I plead the fifth. Did he fuck himself and I missed it? Cross-examination is over. Patrick, I'd like to.

Can I ask some more questions to Patrick? First of all, I would like to point out, so Jungle Skug, the ransom note was found by Patrick at 8.27 p.m., which is in line with when he arrived in the office. It takes him two minutes to walk from the door to the table? You said it arrived at 25? I spent the first couple seconds looking for Jungle Skug, and then I took the picture because I knew I was immediately being framed. And jungle scoog was found by Patrick, I'm my dad, a mere 19 minutes later. Swaddles up like a small baby in the front.

Could I ask? Mr. Doran, were any of those 19 minutes spent consuming burger can you? Yes, they were. Yes, they were. I had a whopper with fries and a small onion ring and a doctor pepper. So again, you're worrying. about yourself before Yungle School.

Because I knew I was being framed and I knew that he was okay. So your proverbial kind of last meal you're enjoying. I knew that he was okay. Why did you know he was okay? Is it because one of you was framing me? Is it because you were the architect of his fate? No. Because I was

being framed. I'd like to call to the stand one an expert witness. Just one? Just one. Okay. And that would be truthologist Cameron Fetter Oh boy

Okay Here Alex You have to be the judge now Can you slide this around? Hi there I'm the judge Okay we have a new We have a substitute judge

How are you your honor? I'm good I had a heavy night last night judging a lot of cases But I don't think it should interfere With my judging I agree Thank you for that

You're a hero Guilty Camero Oh Mr. Cameron Fedder, how are you today? I'm doing well. Okay. I'm hungering for vengeance.

And Cameron, how long have you studied the art of truthology? Practically my entire life. Okay. As if you can't remember a day when you weren't a truthologist. Basically. Okay. And just looking at Patrick, could you do, I'm not sure if you do this. Could you do a quick truth analysis of just kind of his body and his body language and kind of give me a percentage point?

Okay. For the audience, he does have his hands behind his back. He kind of a Matthew McConaughey pose. So there are several key points of truthology that are kind of tenets of the study that let you know whether or not somebody is telling the truth. And one big, one big point that we always look for is smiling too damn much. and he's got a little bit of a smirk here, as we can see. So that's one point of the liar of liardom. He does look disgusting.

He's smiling a little more here. Another sign that we look for in Liars is earring on the right side. And he does possess this trait right now, which is the second major point that we as truthologists look like. And something that we see with Liars a lot, too, is that after they lie, they attempt to hide themselves away and they try to become elusive. And as you can see, he is wearing camouflage on his shirt, which is a hallmark of trying to hide or disappear after you've been discovered or caught in a lie. So those are three main points. And it only takes half a point to be deemed

a liar under truthology. So he is actually six times a liar. Oh, my goodness. Based on hard science. So now, quick question about yesterday. So you were obviously involved in the group chat. Oh, yeah. You know, and we commissioned you to do a truthology review on a video that Patrick made where he professes his innocence. Yes. Okay. And could you very quickly recite what you said in response to that video? Okay.

Let me, let me have to find it. One second. Video is way too long. We're not watching it guilty. Okay. And then could you very quickly for, for, for, uh, for, uh, for, uh, for, for, uh, for, for reference. I also made a video professing my innocence because it was a lot

of accusations being levied at the time. Could you tell me what you said about my video? Yeah, I said, I just analyzed that video and it has a truth reading of over 100 points. Hashtag Where's Patrick's video? Hashtag guilty a. F. Okay.

Hold on. Hold on. Wait. You said it has over 100 points. You said it only needs six to be a liar. That's lie points. Truthology is not real Objection I've studied truthology for over 20 years

And this clown probably been a lawyer for what Five minutes wants to tell me it's not real If truthology is so fake Who invented it? Not true It was John Truth Okay Can I submit evidence

While I'm not the judge I really want to submit a piece of evidence Listen this is huge actually huge breakthrough of the case. We're having a piece of evidence submitted live, okay, by our truthologists. So Patrick, here, give me this. Patrick, do you remember making this post on March 12th, 2002 at 242 p.m.? Are you at Luncheon Joyer on Twitter? Yes. Do you remember making this post, quote, Jungle Scoog will go. go missing.

End quote. No. Can you refresh the page? I'm actually, I've already archived the page. So if you've deleted it, that does nothing for your case. And actually, we're going to, that includes a charge of tampering with evidence. It does. Yes.

Hmm. So do you don't remember making this post? I remember all of the posts I make online are done in a character. Okay. All right. With that in mind, let's go through some of these. No, no, no, no. If you insist that this is all a character, let's check this out. It's actually, it's all me and it's 100% real. It's all you and it's 100% real. So including the Jungleskug post? No.

No, that was done facetiously. I'd like to... On this same... On this same... Objection. Can Patrick define facetious? Facetious means just kidding. Patrick, a tweet from Patrick's Twitter account yesterday.

Yeah, I got a BAFTA. Big-ass fucking Toyota Avalon. Why are you reading this? I just... I'm trying to... Can we quickly just give a rating of this post? I'm gonna... A round of applause for this post. I mean, this is...

I mean, this has got to be one of the best posts of all time. I think it's funny. That's a funny tweet. It's timely. The BAFTA Awards happened. He doesn't have a Toyota Avalon. He doesn't have a car. Patrick does not have a driver's license.

So I think this just goes to show that Patrick is tweeting in said character, not tweeting the truth. He is not, you know, his retweets are not necessarily endorsements. So if you have, if you tweet in this kind of character, as you say it, we'll call it, we'll call it, an alternate personality almost. Do you ever find yourself losing time to this alternate personality, maybe becoming him kind of a la Jekyll and Hyde?

No. Okay. So there's no possibility that this character took over your psyche as you entered the office that day, filled you with so much non-sexual rage

that you snatched young school. Gug, wrapped him up in a green thing, and put him in a box. I'm actually also a snatchologist, and Patrick's fingers actually have the perfect articulation for snatching. Patrick does love to talk about his large hands. I don't love to talk about my large hands. He brings it up all the time, almost like a girl does at a bar, comparing hand sizes.

I told you, yes, I. I did compare hand sizes with you, both of you. And how many, I would say three or four times in the past couple months. And what I've noticed is that you have very large, kind of snatchy, grabby hands. You're just a grabby guy. His hands, he has bigger hands than either me or Caleb. My hands don't even fit around him. I'd like to ask for a hand comparison between the five of us.

Okay. Are you sure, Joe? Okay. Oh, wow. Patrick's hands are approximately the same size as mine, which is... And he's 6.5. Yeah. I have the hands of a 6-foot-5 man.

I also don't know what this is proving. Snatchability. Bigger than mine. Snatchability. Yeah. Okay, continue the test. Let's go. Oh.

No. Alex is bigger. No. No, they're interesting. They're the same. Alex has bigger hands. I have longer fingers. I'm Caleb.

Okay, but I can't I can't... I'd like to call Alex to the stand. I'd like to... I'd like to call Alex to the stand. Let's all call Alex to the stand. You are no longer the judge. Okay, I'm back to being the judge.

I'm being examined. Yeah, you're... Okay. Fine. Alex... Hit me with it. Alex, do you have the biggest hands in the office? Thank you.

Would you say that this helps you with snatching things? No, because I... While my hands are big, they're not very agile. Look how long. it takes me to lift this lift up jungle scoogged okay you've been holding jungle scoog this entire time well it's because once I have him I can kind of do whatever I want but like I you could do whatever you want whatever I went where were you yesterday where were you yesterday yesterday I was at work I worked a double

and then I arrived home at approximately night at 830 and I Okay, so you arrived home at 8.30. Wait, no, no. Patrick found. No, no. Sorry, I'm... And you live 10 minutes away from here. Shut up.

Have any proof? Yes, I do. I can show you. I, okay, I arrived home. I, on the train, I went to Queen restaurant, and I bought a chicken shwarma, and I have the email, or have the text, an order confirmation from this restaurant. It was sent... That's so far from our place.

I was on the... I was coming back on the train, and I saw. stopped, I got off. Or coming back from here. Which one was it? Coming back from work. I work. You work in an office, no?

No, that my other job I work at. I was... This is your other job? I got a... I got a text at... You're the first thing that we've done in the... I got text 715 that my order was ready. We'd be ready at 7.30.

And then I went and I got my order and then I went back to the apartment, took a shower. I believe at about... You're painting a very... very wide open window. No, no, no. I have an alibi. Let's see. At 8.43.

Oh. So I went home at 8.43. I received a text from our roommate, Neil Linsky. He said, anyone home. I said, I am home. Patrick said, I am at the office. And that was at 8.45. So there's no way.

I could have done it. That's actually. And I'm too slow. I can't pick things up. I would like to... Next question. please. You have given us, you get off of work around six, right?

Seven. We got off work at seven, and I arrived home at 7.45. Now, Alex, I have seen you leave work a lot. Let the record show. I recently got in trouble at work because I don't stay late enough, so now I have to stay an extra 30 minutes. The record will show that. Thank you.

So I stayed late at work. So, yes, you may have seen me leaving work earlier, but I don't leave them anymore. Okay, all I'm trying to say in this analysis of Alex, is that if you put schedules together enough anyone could have come into this office kidnapped jungle scoos including Patrick including Patrick what Patrick actually had I'm saying anyone hypothetically could have come in with the same amount of evidence that we are throwing towards Patrick but Patrick took a picture I would like to I think you're right Joe I think you're right anybody hypothetically could do this

but it is a matter of motive. What have we illustrated, what has Patrick illustrated about himself time after time when I got my dog, okay? What did he say? He said he's getting more attention than me. He said he was jealous, jealous, that my dog was getting more attention than him,

that the dog is now the recipient of belly rubs and tummy scratches. From me. from me and camera from me was what he was complaining about he doesn't care about your belly well that's that you know that hurts my feelings but it's okay but what and what did he say what what what what refrain did he echo once more when we got i'm going to kidnap and molest your dog if if my memory serves me correctly that was the judge was joking on that one that was a joke strike that from the record i'd like to ask the judge to not make jokes in such a lot it's You don't really have the authority to ask the judge to do anything.

I have the authority to ask the defense to go outside. The door locks. I can't do that. Oh. Listen. Perjury. And I would like to say that he did, that he said the, almost the exact same thing when we got Yungalskug, that he was jealous that Yungal Skug was getting the attention.

If you remember correctly. The judge remembers that correctly. And if you remember correctly, Judge, the first time that he saw Yungle Skug, he grabbed him and would not let him go as you and me chased him around the office I believe that we have audio evidence of that occurring too. It's on an episode.

We tried to free him from Patrick's... But that is on the premium feed. Patrick's touchy-feely clutches and he was running around the office with Yungleskug. Okay, so we've established that you have a pattern, a history of Yungle Skug abuse. If we're talking about a period of

or a pattern of Jungle Skug abuse, I would like to highlight immediately bringing jungle scoog back from IKEA, our beautiful judge Cameron proceeded to put him in every doorway and shut the doors on him repeatedly.

We put him in a closet. He liked it. We put him in multiple closets shutting the door. We put him in drawers. Oh, did I hear the word we here? Interesting. I was a party to this,

but Cameron was holding jungle scoog and refused to let me hold jungle scoog. That's not true. You hold it. And then when I did, Several times. You seem awfully. Also, I hung him up on the lights first with you instructing me how to do so, if you remember

correctly. And it was after that I hung him up on the lights that you took him. And you... It seems like everybody here has participated in jungle scoog abuse. No, what I was doing was not abuse. I was propping him up in doorways very cutely. And what Joe was doing was rubbing him in the corners of the ceiling and getting spiderwebs and bugs all over him.

I did not rub him. I tried to hang him because he has a Velcro feet. You tried to hang him. Interesting. No. No, okay. They're by murdering him. I would like to call to the stand.

The prosecution, Joe Gleason. Objection. You can't object. You can't object. Come on, come to the stands. I just have a couple of questions to ask you. We should call him to the stand and then give him jungle scoog and then see what his eyes look like. Okay.

All right. Well, thank you for giving it up out loud so that he knows exactly what to not do. that was great Joe Gleason We hold on to him for a second So I'd just like to see Okay Patrick immediately violently reached for him

So you look Very at home with Yungle Skug in your hands I love Jungle Skugge Of course, who doesn't? Can you tell me So when I came in today Youngles Kug was recovered Right, he had already been recovered

And we I basically took the ransom note, and I rearranged the letters to be a little bit sweeter. So tell me, could you read this for me? Yes, it says, Jungle Scoog is fine. Winky face, tongue-out face. Tunes are good. He do want to be found. So he do want to be found.

I think we all agree that it's a very sweet kind of nice message that I left, right? You do want to be found. So can you tell me, this is kind of what I want to focus on here. These two, you mentioned them, the emojis. Okay, so these were at one point a double sad face emoji in the original ransom note. I believe a double crying face.

Okay, so you know the specifics. Would you consider yourself an emoji user? I'd say I use my fair share of emojis. Gotcha, because I would like to bring to the attention of the court back to the group chat, okay? In the first two messages that Joe Gleason says,

in response to the photo, Okay. The photo is sent by Patrick, right? Of the note. Cameron says, you will never get away with this. Patrick says, I'm being framed. I'm serious. Joe Gleason says, WTF, sad eyes, imagine.

And let me tell you what, it gets even worse for one Joe Gleason. Am I on trial? Cameron, no, but I just, I'd like to pique the interest of the course. on this one possible suspect, not even a suspect yet, I just want to I kind of just want to

bring this up. Cameron says, why are you in the office then? Patrick says, I'm working on my PowerPoint. For my show on the, I'm on a show on the 17th at lifebook. Objection, no plugs, sustains, no plugs.

Patrick is no plugs, Mr. Doran. Cameron says, you have the motive, means, and no alibi. And here comes Joe. Poor young, sad face emoji. Two sad face emojis.

Two emojis. Two emoji. in two messages. Identical to the emojis on the ransom note. You often find yourself using emojis. How about so often that in the two messages after we get the first piece of evidence, both of them contain emojis almost

as if you're seeding, as if you're leaving a breadcrumb trail directly to yourself? Joe, I would like to know what you were up to yesterday. So my friend, was in town at my house at my new apartment. Okay. In the morning, I...

Friend or accomplice? Friend. Okay. Friend does not know a jungle scook. I would like to say that earlier when we were discussing... Hold on, hold on. Going into this court case. Okay, okay, sorry. I drove my friend

to his home in upstate New York going out of my way, you know. What time? Let me see. I have a, I think middle of the day, about three, two, two to three. And would three, three around the time where I was in, I was in midtown? And would your friend corroborate this? Yeah, I have a, I have a. Would you mind giving him a phone call?

I have a, you know, he works. I have a, but I do have a receipt for a gas station. He works in upstate New York? Yeah, he lives there. I have a receipt of $35.93 at the Millwood Market gas station. the Exxon. Wait, is that right? These gas prices are great.

$35 to fill up a... Probably buying black trash bags and gloves. God knows what else. And then... I was driving back here to New York to go back to my house. I don't know. And when you say here, you mean the office?

We'll say... I was driving. I had to... I had to poop. and my house is about 10 minutes away from here So I decided to stop through here What? I decided to do

I decided to Here because there's the squatty potty and At what time At what time were you here using the squatty potty? I texted I texted Kara You're bearing yourself right now I texted Kara and said I just went to the office to take a poop

Get a drive back home in a few minutes At 5.30 At 5.30. When I was on... There is photographic evidence. I can prove this. I was with my friend Blaine in Midtown. So at 5.30, there was... What was Yunglesquood doing at this time while you were pooping? He was here. We played.

You played. At 5.06, I have... Do you play with his permission? Yes, Jungle Skug and I, I would say, have the strongest relationship in the office. I think Jungle Skug and I... Let's ask Yungle Skug then. Yep.

Y'all I like to call Jungle Scoog to the stand. Are that okay with you? He's nodding. Objection, leading the witness. Joe is nodding his head. He's playing with his head. He's not. He's not.

Oh, wait. Junglescoog just shook his head So I guess Joe has nothing to do with Okay, so let's ask, let's ask Youngle Scoog some yes or no questions Okay Jungle Scoog Are you

Who's your Who's your, who's your, who's your, who's your, who's your face? You don't ask him one question I'm also a lawyer He, no, you hold the microphone up to him Jungle Scoog, yeah Am I your best friend? Am I your best friend in the office?

He's shaking his head He's nodding his head He's nodding his head. I'd like to I'd like to record show he's shaking his head no let the record show he's nodding his head he's not he you can't affect the record i'm the judge and i'm the only one who can change the record i would like to say he is nodding his head okay but you know we don't know how truthful he's being he's right now okay wait he's rubbing jungle scug is rubbing his armpits and his privates well he's a monkey that's the kind of thing that they do that's perfectly normal monkeys like to play games like so you said so uh uh youngles scug did joe in fact come to the office yesterday. Yes. And were you two playing?

Yes. And at any point did you feel in danger when Joe was in the office? And that's a no. Are you sure? Yes. Yes. That's a yes.

So... Ask what the game they played was. What? He can't speak. He can't speak. Okay. Hi! He's, they played wave.

They played the waving game. Hi. Hi. Hi, Jogles Coog. Hi. Joe, is that true? He just played wave? Yeah, we kind of played wave.

We played some hide and seek. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We played some running arounds. Did you just say that you played hide and seek? Yeah. I'd like to call another, a surprise witness to the stand. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, please welcome Crazy Frog.

Oh, my God. Oh, who was here? Oh, my God. Who was here and saw. everything oh my god okay wait a second

okay Patrick you speak crazy frog yes yes okay and would you mind being his translator

here in the court okay crazy frog how are you today and what does that mean that means I'm doing very well actually I just

I just bought a new home oh that's great congratulations crazy frog where where Were you on Sunday, March of 13th? Younglescoo!

Juggle Scoot! No! Stop! Yucoscoo! Stop it! Bail! Get him! Keep these two away from each other. Yungle Skug, let the record show Yungle Skug just tried to kill... Bishish... Joe is trying to grab Yungle Skook, trying to snatch him right out of my...

Arms is crazy frog. Let the record show, I, I separated Crazy Frog and Yunglescoot to protect both of them. Yugglescoo, what are you doing with your hands? And Joe, basically, don't wave like that. Don't wave like that. No, that's bad. Stop, Yungal Scoot. I think Yungal Scoog's trying to point at Crazy Frog.

Oh, he's pointing. Oh, he can't move his fingers. He's pointing, yeah, it doesn't have articulated fingers. No, no, no, no. Joe cannot physically cannot keep his hands up of small stuffed animals. You're in the penalty box. Uh, is Crazy Frog, is he ready to talk? Brim-Bum-Bum-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-ha-ha-ha-ha. That also means yes.

Okay. Yeah, it's like, you know, if many, Crazy Frog has many different words for yes. Okay. Oh, my God! No! Yonkielskug! No! No! Oh my God!

Yungle Skook took the gavel, and he's bashed Crazy Frog in the head. He's bleeding all over the place. Bling! What does that mean? Bling! We have to operate on Crazy Frog. We have to operate on him. Oh, my God.

He said, he said, well, he said, thank God I'm wearing this helmet. Why would Yungle Skug do this? He's shrugging. Yungoske, you, you, you, oh no, he can't even stay, stay up, he's dead. No, he's alive. Is he? He's alive. Okay, he looks dead.

He's, okay. Yeah. All right. Yungal skug, stop, Yungal skug, stop. You were being restrained. He's trying to grab the hammer again. Okay. Yungal skew, you're going to have another trial later, I think, because you just did a way worse crime.

Okay. It's a crazy frog. I just have one question for you. Okay? Who did you see Kidnap Yungle Skug yesterday afternoon? Bing.

And Patrick, what does that say? That says, he says, I don't know. I looked it up. I thought that Bing means me. What? What? I just looked at it up.

Well, yeah, I've just studied a lot of linguistics. I'm a linguistologist. Wait. Crazy Frog. Crazy Frog. Are you saying this to cover things up so you can still hang out at the office? Why would we? You're going to get, Crazy Frog.

I want you to know, we're going to sentence you to death if you are the one who kidnapped Yungleskug. Bing. And what does that mean, Patrick? That's another I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, my hands are tied. I think that at this point... I think that all we can do is closing statements,

some deliberation, and then the verdict. I think that's basically all... That will take up about nine minutes. We also didn't get... Hold on. Joe clearly was here playing hide-and-seek with jungle sco. And tell me, do you remember...

Give him the microphone. Give him the microphone. Joe, do you remember where the last hiding place that Yungal Skug had was? I do remember. I would also, first, before I answer this question. Well, no, okay, no, you have to answer the question. As a lawyer before I answer the question. No, as a judge, you're a witness right now.

Before I answer the question, I would like the record to show that Patrick offered me the Herman Miller chair if I can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he did not do the crime of putting Jungles. you pay you pay your lawyer that's normal you're his lawyer right I saw that the thing you can't you're not you can't get bribed you're a lawyer he's he pays you to I know that's just my payment for proving him yeah so what's so answer the question here

the little board said m poop I believe but actually it did not it said at the time it said it said um ooh pee pee pee pee which was a variant of poop I saw that

the boards were still in the boards with all the little letters were still there I had to take a poop as I previously

stated I like to play around with jungle scug I think he has a funny face it's a very funny objection it's a very funny

it really looks good no matter he always looks like he's giving whatever emotion you need him to be giving he's happy

he's scared he's sad he's excited he looks he looks rageful right now he looks murder

I came to the office Oh my god He just shot him Yungle Skook used a completely silent invisible gun That's interesting Crazy pruck Oh my god

Well we'll think we'll handle that later That doesn't really affect the case Nobody can hear Patrick He doesn't have a mic Fucking idiot all right so what's your point here what give us you put us through this whole rigum roll joe just spit it out what is your point i did it i was playing with jungle scugg did you do this for the herman miller yeah well you know

i mean i did it now i defended you for the harmon miller you need a microphone can you can you can Cameron's been talking i have i'm holding a microphone no no no earlier when you didn't have one you were saying stuff yeah you can Can you hear me screaming? Probably faintly, yeah. It's like court flavor, you know, if you yell stuff. Yeah. It sounds like there's a big court with people yelling in the background.

You mean there is a big court with people? Well, yeah, it sounds like it because it is. Yeah, exactly. But it sounds to me, like, now, as the judge, as the judge, I'm an expert on deals and rules. And it sounds to me like Patrick promised the Herman Miller to Joe, if Joe was able to successfully defend Patrick and this actually does count as a bribe now. And I would like to make one, I would like to ask one question.

How can we know that you are not just taking the fall so that you can get the Herman Miller at this point? Please speak into the microphone. Because if you're taking the fall to do it, that I don't think that's successful because then that leaves the case open-ended.

Do you have any hard evidence? Patrick did not go to IKEA with us. Patrick was here. Yes. Waiting for the optimum man. Patrick does not know where the little letters are to put on the jungle scoo. He does not know which cabinet those are in.

Patrick also... Not very good at spelling. We can say that, too. Patrick does not know the spelling of jungle scoog, potentially. It is a strange, Swedish spelling. I don't know that he knows it. DJ, U-N-G-E-L-S-K-O-G.

Don't you're hurting your case. It's also on the... It's also on the tag. It is on the tag. He didn't do it. He didn't do it. He's taking the photo as Patrick. I thought it would be kind of funny.

I think Jungle Skug looks funny in the little green blanket swaddled like a little baby. And I kind of wanted some fun excitement. I was like, whoever's going to find this. That's going to be kind of funny. So you did this all just for entertainment value? I did it for fun. I think Jungle Skug had a good time. As we kind of saw it in this trial.

Jungle Skug is a... Do you think you showed Jungleskug a good time? You gave him a real good time. I'm like a... I'm not an evil person. It's very kind of mocky villain of you

to do all this just for a chair. It's like you set up the entire thing. I did the original thing for fun because I thought it was kind of fun to change the board and have some office drama as we enter this new office phase

of our lives. which I think is a nice thing. I think we all appreciate it that we're having fun talking about this fun thing. Jungle Skug, I would like to point out, is a stuffed animal. Who does not have a traditional brain or heart. Eject him from the court.

Okay. I love Jungle Skug. I love playing games with him. I love having fun with him. I did not do anything sinister with him. Patrick, I understood Patrick would likely. get you know like whoever came and found it would probably blame Patrick because that's I mean I

wouldn't personally but you two I think definitely would blame Patrick you wouldn't blame Patrick when he tweeted the day before yungle skug will go missing well I wouldn't blame Patrick because I did it you didn't do it was Patrick I fully take the blame I did do it I did take a poop here and I'm sorry for any any hardship that it's caused Mainly Patrick, who had to go through the brunt of being, you know, guilty before proven innocent or whatever. I think it was funny. I think it was a fun time. And I have the, I get the chair.

And will you submit to me taking a black light to Jungle Scootie's body? Yeah. I stand by. I would never, ever, ever do anything to physically harm Jungle Scootie. And you also stood by. Well, Patrick physically harmed Yungle Skook. Patrick and I were not here at the same time. I cannot speak to any of those.

Patrick could have done something. Patrick probably did it after Joe Faked it. Patrick, okay. Patrick probably saw that Yungal Skug had been missing, realized he was being framed and decided I might as well attack him and touch him all over. No. Well, I have the chance.

That is not what happened. You saw Jongles Kug, you found him, and you were so excited, you kind of, you couldn't control yourself. No. You saw him restrained by a green blanket And you said, you're mine out loud I did not say that And you gnashed your teeth and licked your lips

And you put And you took, you used the green blanket as a green screen on photo booth And put a roller coaster behind him and scared him I did do that But these other claims about gnashing my teeth I would like, not true I would like to take it Whoa

He's, oh my God, he's holding crazy frog hostage He's holding him hostage. Younglescoog, no. No. Why do you hate Crazy Frog? Oh my God. Oh, he put him in Phil's crate! Oh, now the ravenous monster that lives in that crate is going to eat him.

All right, that's fine. I don't really like Crazy Frog, but I would like to take this to a vote. Yeah, well, it's a jury. A jury. Joe to Vardja jury. Yeah. We're basically... We're all the jury, yeah.

Us five are the members of the jury. Okay. uh we'll just start we'll just go clockwise from the judge here is the are we trying to decide who did it or just who's getting the blame it i don't care who did it anymore yeah okay okay okay i took the blame it immediately didn't matter i would as one last piece of evidence i would like to say that joe told me he did it 10 minutes before and i i heard joe say that

so really i heard joe say that this entire thing was just for Yeah, Caleb said, yeah, we got the Wi-Fi. I was like, oh, yeah, I saw. And then I realized, oh, wait. He gave himself up, yeah. Pretty quickly gave myself up. And then he just started laughing really hard. Yeah, because I did it.

And I heard all of this before we started, and I told you guys I heard it. And then Joe said, why are you so quick to blame me? All right. What's your vote, Caleb? My vote, knowing what I know, it's got to be Patrick. Definitely. Alex. I think Joe guilty of hiding jungle scoed.

Patrick, Patrick guilty of hating jungle scoos. Daddy, he's being jealous, too. Yeah. Yes. All right, Patrick, your vote. I don't remember after I ate the Burger King. I don't remember what happened.

You blacked out. I blacked out after I ate Burger King. I don't know what happened. Okay, so that's a vote for Patrick. Guys, that's two votes for Patrick. Two for Patrick. One for Joe. Yep.

All right, Joe, what's your vote? I'm going to vote for myself. I desperately want this chair, and I did do it. Okay. So that's two votes for Patrick and two for Joe. And now I'm the tiebreaker. Who voted who? You're the... What?

One, two, three, four. I voted for Patrick. I voted for me, too. Oh, okay. All right. So not only am I the tiebreaker, but my vote actually counts 100 times as much because I'm the judge. And you have to come up with the punishment as well. Yes, yeah.

And I am going to vote for Patrick because I believe that he did it. And Joe is lying to get his hands on a really nice, really low chair. Maybe his punishment is that he has to give Joe the chair. That is one part of the punishment. I sentence Patrick to payment of a fine to Joe of one fucked up Herman Miller chair that it's broken, that one. Both the chairs, you have to give Joe both your chairs and you have to sit on the floor and 100 years in the dog crate. I will not be going in the dog crate. Court is now adjourned.

Do you guys want to go get pizza? Yeah, let's go get some lunch. I'd love to, yeah. Yeah, a drink or something. Bye. All right. Well, Patrick, you have to go in the crate. Oh, wait.

We have to plug the tour. Swagpoop.com slash shows. A potabout list on Patreon. If you want to hear the first part of this. The first part of this. Where I said that I was going to capture jungle scoog. Oh, yeah, true. That was basically all we talked about last episode.

Was Patrick specifically doing that? Yeah. That's why this was really bad for him. I wish I knew. Well, you should subscribe to the Patreon. I should. Yeah. All right.

Bye, everybody. I'm definitely going to subscribe now. Oh, wait. Also go check out Homeplanet.com. Bye. Bye.