Podcast About List - Ep. 189 - My Masterpiece Sperms

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

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Come in, come in, come in, and me see your butt. All the counts to the ball list. Every crap monster. This is seriously not how I wanted to spend my third today. You started this conversation. I didn't want to have to do this today. I have the highest-quality sperms in the group. I didn't want to do this today, but Patrick.

I ate a euro, and now my mouth is all spicy. What are you doing in here? Get out. Get out. Leave. Get out now. We need. Paper towels, you need to get out.

Uh-huh. Okay, back to the matter-of-facted hand. My sperms are masterpiece quality. They're not. No. My sperms look like... You're not in the competition for a reason. We know you have shit sperms, okay?

Your third-place sperms. My sperms are bronze. I have divine... My sperm's... This is what... When my sperm's hit your tongue, you'll go, oh, that's divine. No. Yep.

My sperm's getting the mouth is like pop rocks. You want to get the matter of your mouth as soon as possible. When they hit your tongue, you'll go. tongue, they weigh it down. Your tongue gets droops out of your mouth. It unrolls on the ground. My sperms will make your mouth go down. I'm not kidding.

My sperm's same exact shape as shit. Shit has all sorts of shapes. My sperms have arms and legs. My sperms can speak English. My sperms. Not very well. My sperms can speak five different languages, including spermies. You do not have polyglots sperm.

I do. Yeah, that's great. And Klingon. Yep. Awesome. My sperms are nerds. Great. My sperms actually celebrate Festivus

Instead of normal Christian shit Yeah Oh yeah Look at my sperms under a microscope You'll see they're all wearing colanders My sperms are so strong That they force their way out of my pee-hole When I'm not even touching my thing

They just crawl out and they go around And they look for people to go in Okay so you have you have spurs that force their way into people They don't force their way in You just said that No they don't I said they look around for people to get in And they force their way It's not something that I can control

They're too strong Control your sperm. I can't. He has uncontrollable spurs. One is going up your leg right now. A sperm? Not my problem. My butthole's been hermetically sealed.

It's not going for your butthole. Yeah, he's a butthole. You got hermit crabs in it and they seal it for him. Nope. They hold it closed with their pitchers. They're pinchers. My sperm's up pinchers. My sperm's like a straight to DVD.

Your sperm's look like season three. Yep. And that's from the song. Your sperm's got the HIV. got HIV. Your sperm look like a DVD. My sperm smelled like a cage fight. Your sperm's look like stage fright. My sperm, Gary Coleman. Your sperm, Gary Shulman. Gary Goldman.

Gary Goldman? You got them funny-ass-perms. Harry Old Man. My sperm's, Harry Old Man. Your sperm sound like Gary Goulman. Gary Goldman. It's time we with the world, no. You got to let your girl go. P.A.L. is the best in the business.

Hell, yeah, we got sperms like Jesus. Yep. Yep. Okay, so we got a new song, basically, that's on our recording to do with. So we're going the aqua finer route, which in a couple years is not going to be good. Why didn't you just pour coffee onto your phone?

It came off the lid, you fucking moron. You picked it up and you poured it on. You have the mind of a monkey. We're going the aqua finer route. route, which means, you know, we're doing like a, you know, we do a song, parody of my dick. We're doing a parody of a parody of my dick. And then in an interview, years down the line, one of us is going to get very flustered about a racial question. And plus you're doing that new movie, Patrick from the ghetto.

Yeah. Aquafina is Patrick from the ghetto. I know we've definitely talked about it before, but funniest career path is, yeah, being the, being gangsta aquafina and then doing the like doing the sad A24 movies and then the dividing line is that you were a skexis

and dark crystal She was a stexas? Dude she was one of it She was like She wasn't the Gormand But she was like one of them It's so it's that's so funny That's like that's like

The metamorphosis phase That's the that's the in between of those two Yeah Going yeah Being a Skexies Being a Skexis Dude that's my favorite movie She's not in the movie

She's in the show Dark Crystal That's your favorite movie? It's like my all-time favorite movie. It's a really good movie. I love puppets. Mine's probably Mickey Blue Eyes. Yeah.

No. Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant and James Conn. Hugh Grant is the one he got caught with a sex worker. And then Jay Lanna was like, What the hell?

What the hell are you thinking, you stupid idiot? You stupid bitch? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell it's wrong with you, you big tooth fuck? I don't remember this story. And that's not what Jay Leno say. He doesn't curse like that on TV.

He doesn't swear. Jay Leno swears like a sailor. No, he's polite. Jay Leno's like, what do you look at this fucking fat piece of shit on my couch? He doesn't do that. Where are you from? The toilet? What are you gay?

Are you gay? You're gay from the toilet. He didn't say that. Now, now let me. Who did he say that to? Who was on the couch? He said that. He said that to Dame Judy Dench.

He did? Yes. Oh, my job. Jay Leno had Dame Judy Dench. on the couch, and he said, let me turn around. Does he know or does he not know that she is an international treasure? He doesn't know.

He does, does he know that she cares about? Does he know that he is? If she had four wheels in an engine, he would care about her. Oh, my God. Yeah, this guy. He's sitting there in his... I would do anything to bolt a steering wheel to the back of her head. Uh-huh.

You're sounding like a real Jay Leno right now. What kind of shirt are you wearing? What kind of shirt am I wearing? You wearing denim shirt, denim pants? None of your business. Oh, wow. Okay. What do you, turn around.

Let me see your butt. Big balls, little dick. That was him. That was him driving the car. Yeah, it was one of his cars. Let me see you, but. Big car, little stick. I'm driving stick.

I'm driving stick to the drive-thru. Yep, I'm Jay Leno, and I'm going to flip my car over. Yeah. I'm going to flip over my car. What restaurant was he going to? McDonald's. Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza. You said that in the same tune as an informer.

McDonald's. Chicken nuggets and a McDonald's. In Minnesota, yeah. I like to drink it down. McDonald's, 20-piece nuggets in the soda, yeah. I like to drink it now. You're Mick, they came around looking for you the other day. Oh, boy.

They came looking for me, Ronald McDonald's. Let him know, Ron. McDonald's. Restaurants that's named after my name. I am a fucking clown And then you know there's the Española version Miccadonald

Chocolate chips and pancakes for breakfast That's not though It's in English in the Spanish version But they talk about breakfast They're about sweet breakfast All day breakfast You don't get chocolate chip pancakes at McDonald's You get normal McDonald's in Mexico and Spanish

Okay, guess what? You guys actually get the hot cakes, you're actually hot cakes, not even pancakes, so... No, you're thinking of a different restaurant. Oh, yeah. You're out of thinking of my hop. IHop, so fucking shit, man.

Terrible. One of the worst restaurants ever. IHop. Literally the only time it's excusable to go there is if it's 4 a.m. And even then, even then. What? You go to McDonald's after your theater.

Oh, my God. After your musical. Uh-huh. I was never in theater, but I went to McDonald's. I went to IHop, my bad. I went to IHop one night. Take it back.

I take it back. I went to IHop one night after a musical had been let out. And that was like one of the worst things. Is that a tradition? Theater kids go to IHop after and then they go to each other's houses and they all have freaky sex. I would have been an amazing theater kid, dude. I would have been perfect. Dude, we went to a theater college.

My mom tried to get me to a little 50 different times. And I was like, what? You want to dress up, be gay on the stage of hell. I could have, I was like... I probably would have been a superstar if I did that. Dude, I was almost, if I had seen Cannibal the musical when I was younger, that would have done it. Theater is actually kind of cool.

Yeah. You, man, oh, fuck. If I was a theater game, that'd be fucking crazy, dude. I would be the worst person in the life. That would be fucking insane. Yeah. Thank God I wanted to be cool. God, damn, dude.

That's upsetting to think about. Me in a theater, me, me going like, the sun will come out tomorrow. Tomorrow You really I just caught the acting bug just now Oh crap

You think you'd play Yeah You'd play annie You'd be Annie You'd be a little orphan Annie We should We should raise the money We should raise the money

On like GoFund me or some shit So we can do like a stage production of Annie Where I play Annie It literally It doesn't take any money To a stage production

The budget of Carnegie Hall The budget of a play Is just for the director's bail For molesting one the actors and literally it's free do you guys think

that we could how much do you think it costs to rent out Madison Square Garden for a night probably 10 bucks yeah if it's like a night

where nothing's happening I bet it's if it's 10,000 we should do it we should just do it I think Carnegie Hall is pretty cheap you're gonna do Carnegie Hall it's gotta be

Madison Square Garden dude Madison Square Garden be so fucking funny yeah we just have like that it's completely empty there's 150 people there and we're just doing

We have it also like Like the same volume on the speakers As if like Kevin Hart's doing like a packed Fucking stadium Dude that's so great Like getting it like pro shot Like getting like all the cameras that like fly in I've never thought about that

Like how weird that D. Cook special is Where he's playing TD Garden The owner's in the Yeah TD Garden Yeah What is that vicious circle Because he's on Because the stage is a circle

The theater in a round. Yeah, the theater, that's a circle. Is this supposed to be Dan Cook? This is the vicious circle that I'm in. It's in the BK Lounge. The terrible, this is a really bad Dan Cook. That's a good Dan Cook. No.

You back me up. I don't know what Dan Cook sounds like. No, that was not. I got a boost to energy all of a sudden. You did. Yeah. I think it's because you zipped your jacket up. What?

Scream? We just got to power through sounds here. Yeah. Because there's so many of them. You, I literally. I'm mentally incapable of not get it like that there it is again I think there is in a I think there's a fight I think they're watching videos in part of the office right I'm gonna get you I'm gonna get you headphones to just play white noise yeah yeah maybe I should be the one wearing the headphones

no you should be wearing earplugs yeah yeah I just never hear a thing you guys do you guys do that I've become an earplugs at concerts man yeah yeah I have to I hate my ears, man. I like, so old. I like going to a comedy show that has earplugs available. That's hilarious. Like at Union Hall where you can buy them and then buying the earplugs and like putting them in. Just in the middle.

Yeah. Sitting front. If somebody up there's too loud a laugh and just shaking your head, oh. And putting the ear plugs in. It does the thing that sucks is it real, like, I remember when I would go to like loud shows or whatever as a kid, my parents would always tell me like, you have to put ear plugs in because like, You're going to lose your hearing, and you're still going to hear it. It sounds the same or whatever.

It sounds like shit with your plug in. It's horrible. It's like so much less enjoyable. I just don't care. Yeah. Well, that's, you got to get close to the stage. I just rather not be at a concert than be at one with earplugs. I don't like, I don't go to concerts that much as I used to.

Yeah, I know, me neither. I haven't been going to stuff because it's like, it's, yeah. Remember when we saw I have a nice life? Yeah, that was sick. Yeah, and it was like, I mean, What was it? That was, uh, what's that place? Great Scott.

Great Scott. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good venue. Yeah, but it was like, punishingly loud. Yeah, it was sick. That was like the first time I ever did consider buying it. But it was like, that show was at like one in the morning. Yeah.

That was weird. I hate when you're at a show like that and you go outside to smoke a cigarette and then everybody, everybody just talks at such a loud volume because they're all fucked up in the ears. Yeah. Yeah. Can I bomb one? Hey, can I, can I bum a sing up you? Come on. What are you going to sing?

You smoking Camel Blue? Oh, dude, love it. Oh, yeah. It's not a guy from the show. It's the guy who walks up to you on this show. Hey, can I have one? What's up? What's that?

I learned to speak from a bird. You want to buy a taffy? It's sound like a taffy. Peanut Riddle. Can I interest you in a gumdrop? Here's a CD. It's me and my friends. We're in a barbershop quartet.

But that ain't free, though. You listen to it. Hello. Hello. They're just getting louder. Do you want to buy toffee and sweets? You want to go to my house? We are the four sweet boys.

We can't hang out in my house. We can sit in my car. The four sweet boys from Dorchester. We need to become a barbershop quartet. We need to start doing candy grams. And that's their only original song and then all the other songs are E40 songs. Yeah. I like butt me.

I like butt me. I like butt me. I like butt me. Let's fuck. Let's fuck. That song's so good. Best song ever made, dude. Let's fuck.

E40 gangstaboo. You want this dick? Yeah, I want that dick. What? We gender swapsie. I got to say it. Yeah, I want that dick. I got it.

I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm fin to get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna get meat. I like a dick meat. I like a dick meat. Come on me.

I like ball. I like ball stink. I like nut stink. He's got me blocked on Twitter, man. What? He has had me blocked on Twitter since I was like 17. What did you do? I don't remember.

You did something. I don't remember. You wrote an article called like the EF, the time, what I think. E40 actually doesn't like butt meat. What E40's butt smells like an investigation. I would investigate that. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably smells like enormous 40. Yeah. A enormous 40 on steak. Yeah, 40 pound butt. Yeah. You know, he has... I got a 40 pound butt. Dude, he has a...

He has, he has, he has, like, his own vineyard. Oh, dude, dude. He's got Santana DVX. Makes you want to have sex. He, I got a bottle of his wine. And it's like, it's like, it's supposed to be like a red wine, like a pino grisier or whatever. And it literally tastes like lemonade. It's like so sweet.

Is it good? And it's sparkling. It's like soda. Yeah. It's fucking delicious. I bet that's so good. It's so good. But he, like, packages in, like, a wine bottle.

Yeah. But it's like... Wine is one of those things where I feel like if I drank enough of it, I would start to like it, but I don't... Why would I want to drink a bunch of... If I drank enough wine, I'd get addicted to it or something. I probably, like, get really drunk if I drank enough wine. You know what I mean?

Like, it's the same thing as, like, growing up and drinking, tasting coffee and being like, bleh! Yeah. And now it's like, oh, I like... Yeah, exactly. Give me a sip of beer every day. Dude, I hated beer until I was, like, 14. Yeah, I did not like a party. For a very long time.

I was at a party. I was at a party. they had and then I just kind of like I looked at it and like well and then like took a big like I drank I think I chugged the can because I was like oh if I just chug it then it'll go down faster like drink you ever had

mine was I think mine was Mike's hard pineapple soda and vodka mine was vodka I can't remember what was mixed in but there's something mine was Mike's hard when I was like something crazy like soda and then I remember being like oh that's awesome I like drinking and then like the next week I filled a solo cup I, like, raided my parents' liquor cabinet,

filled a solo cup with half vodka, half Hennessy. I was like, that's a mixed drink. Yeah. And I just, it was off. I would drink straight vodka, too, when I was starting to drink. My uncle... It's cool. My dad's uncle, so my great-uncle, Donald, no, Dennis.

I don't know if it doesn't matter. Donald, Dennis, Draco. My uncle, Denise. My uncle, Denise. He came over one Christmas and left, like, like, a, Like, a handle, like, it, it, this had to be, like, $100 worth of Bacardi. Like, it was, like, the biggest handle I think I've ever seen in my life of Bacardi, and he left it, my parents hid it under the kitchen sink.

And me and my, like, two brothers would, like, sneak, like, drinks of it. We would make ourselves, like, mixed drinks and then just use the computer, you know? Like, we would do, like, you know, we didn't have cars or anything. Yeah, you're just drinking to sit in your house. Yeah, when you're, like, 14. Which I would never do now. Yeah, no. Oh, no.

Believe me, I would not have two beers and. fall asleep around the TV. I hate drinking and just sitting in my house watching TV. But we would all like sneak drinks and that like not together. So none of it, we didn't organize this at all. So each time someone would sneak, we would fill it up with water. Yeah. So by the end, like we just had a Bacardi thing full of water. Yeah, I got in trouble for, I didn't fill it up with water, but I got in trouble. My mom got mad at me because the vodka was, you know, gone and stuff. Yeah, it's a bad. Because you also like, you're a little too young. to be like to get away with that

where it's like oh my god my son drank half a bottle of vodka I went to this kid this kid that I didn't I stopped really hanging out with him after this happened but we were at his house I went to his house after school and we like drank some of his parents vodka

and we're sitting in the kitchen and then like cleaned it up but then like some of the vodka spilled onto a paper towel roll and then he picked up the paper towel roll and just lit it on it fire. So the whole thing of paper, like, it lit on fire. And then it's like two minutes at, like, not even, like, he was just sitting there standing

with the thing on fire. And then his mom walked in the back door and looked at him and it's like, what the fuck are you doing? And then me and my other friend just bolted out of his house. And I don't really, I don't really, I never really hung out of him. And he has ever had one of those drinks where they set the top on fire? Oh, do you have a flaming Moe? I want to have a flaming moe so bad.

Me too. It's just, you'd hurt your mouth. Flaming, you'd hurt your mouth drinking it. I think you maybe would. Flaming Dr. Pepper. What's the one where you drink it and then you light the, like, trail into the cup and it, like, dynamite? Dynamite. Yeah, what's the one where you only drink a little bit of it and then you put, like, a cloth into it, and you shake it up, you light it on top, and you soda.

You throw it at a Coca-Cola. A British guy's car. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. No, but I've never, I've always wanted to have one of those drinks they light on fire. I'm not a fit. I don't want my food to be on fire. I'll say it.

Then you've never had baked. Alaska. Yeah. Somebody didn't read Baked Alaska. What's Baked Alaska? Oh, nothing.

Remember that Betty Crocker cake commercial with like the molds? It's like the three-tier mold system. I do not want to eat a moldy cake. Oh, hell no.

But it's like the mold thing where it's like, you can make ice cream cake. You can even make Baked Alaska. That's how I found out about Baked Alaska. What is it? What is it?

They catch on fire a cake. It's a cake on fire. It's a cake on fire. It's an ice cream cake and it's so candles. So candles. Yeah. Yeah, candles, if you're fucking stupid.

This is an ancient Inuit tradition. They would make an ice cream cake, they'd cover it in vodka, and then they'd catch it on fire. Yeah. That's true. I want to eat fried ice cream so bad. Fried ice cream is so good. We used to make fried ice cream when I was a kid, but it was just cornflakes. What?

Just roll around a ball of ice cream and a cornflakes. I want to eat the fried ice cream from whippersnappers in Londonderry, New Hampshire right now. How do you fry ice cream? How does that make any godhead sense? It's great. It's so good. You fry it. That doesn't help me. Well, I mean, I don't know. I ate it. I didn't make it. Here's how you make fried ice cream. You go to a restaurant that has it and you say, can I get the fried ice cream?

They bring it to you. How do you guys feel about Flawn? Oh, Flawn. Funny-ass name for a dessert. It is pretty funny. I'll have the pocket Flan. That's right. Remember that movie Envy? Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Christopher Walkin? Let's do Jack Black again. We can't do it three weeks in a row. You can't do three Jack Black.

That's a good movie. We can't do three Black Jacks. Why do I always say Black Jack? I don't know. It's so hard to... Have you ever seen that movie? Envy? No.

It's a movie where Jack Black invents a cream that vaporizes dog poo. Envy sounds crazy. And he becomes a millionaire. I'm envious of Jack Black. I'm envious of his idea. Yeah. We need to be in a rock band.

We need to play rock and roll. We need to start a band and say we're taking rock and roll back to its roots. Yeah. And then we just make like a, you do like covers a splish splash. Yeah. Oh my God. Let a rock around the clock tonight.

We have to, we have to do, yeah, just play like splish splash, jingle bell rock. Yeah. It's so fun. Like 50s rock music is so bad. Yeah. And it's so fucking funny. It's like, this is like, this is satanic. Yeah.

This is the devil. This is what, this is what, like, inspired. To be fair. Every, like, documentary, it's like, like, Black Sabbath, and they're like, Oh, we were inspired heavily by, uh, by Little Richard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. War pigs. And then you see, like, it's footage of Little Richard and he's like, Trudeau, Rudy! Oh, Rudy! To be fair, if I... Little Richard is sick, though. I don't, I shouldn't talk about him.

If I walked into my, my kid's room and he was just listening to Splish splash, I would think he was possessed. Yeah. It's like, it's the same thing as key Tippedo through the tulips. Oh, yeah. Scary. Yeah. It's just a little too

Splish splash I'm taking a bath You're high school kid Is smoking the hell's a bath Is hitting the bong And listening to Splish Slash Whoa Mom

It's just what It's, come on Is that other Little Richard song? No, no Is this? He's a king, right? Little Richard?

He's now he's very little He's a very small king He has a little piano And he sits on it And he goes Whoa! You know, that song where he goes,

Whoa! You're being too loud today. Yeah. You're so loud today. I don't know why. I don't know either. You know what it is? I just got a bed frame.

I'm sleeping better. Nice. I slept pretty good myself last night. Yeah. I did not sleep good. I finally got a bed frame in my new place. All the, Wayfair, there's a kid in it.

Yeah, which did you order the Michael from Wayfair? What the hell is a bed? Yeah. What the hell? There's no damn kidding this. I'm sending it a back. Yeah. That was the funniest conspiracy.

That was, the telltale one was when, was when I saw the, um, the, the, the bed friend that's, that was called Luke Skywalker. I was like, oh, I know. They're sending me Luke's in here. John, there's all the other ones. That could, you know, she's a grown woman. Yeah. Hey. How are you doing?

You want to, you want to buy me cigarettes? I don't know how old I am. You've been sitting in a cabinet for fucking, fucking. 20 years. Yeah, they fed me beans most of my life. What do you guys think happen with her? I think a lot of the consensus by like women with bangs is that Burke Ramsey did it. And that's a professional wrestler?

Burke Ramsey is like the brother. I think that the whole family did it and they were alien robots. The little, like young brother? The older brother. But he's still young, right? I don't know. How old was you? People think that he was like a psycho and then he killed John Bonnet and then the parents

covered it up. In that book I read, they said that the parents did it because they were like, they were like connected to the CIA or something. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. I personally think that she was a vampire. Mm-hmm. They thought she was dead. Ramsey? Yeah. No way. Yeah. She's actually a mummy. Scramsies. Yeah. Yeah. And she was not dead. She was actually beginning her life. I think it's a honey I shrunk the kid situation. Yeah. Do you think they shrank her? I think they shrank her and she's been living with ants and little tiny pieces of dust. Wouldn't it be crazy if it's like John Bonnet just grew up to be Amanda Seafried or something?

Sounds like that's like a fantasy you're having. No. Wouldn't it be crazy? She's going to be Amanda Seafried. No, it's like crazy. She's like, it's a little too specific. Yeah. Wouldn't it be crazy if, I don't know, I was married to Nelly Furtado?

That would be, I would not marry her. She has a whole song about her being a promiscuous girl. But she also has a song where she's like a bird. That doesn't balance. promiscuity in a marriage? You would, but you want to marry a bird. She's a man-eater. Yeah, she's a man-eating bird.

I would... Look out, Haji Beetz. Her other song called, I am a man-eating bird. Do you know that? Haji Beets is married to Nellie Furtado. They have a kid. Really? Yep.

Wow. Congrats. Yeah. I'd like to smell her stodgy feet. I would, actually. Yeah. I bet she wears wooden sandals, and I'd just love to peel them off. Yeah, that child, I'll, I'll, I'd, I'd,

I'd hate to say that child's probably going to have an odd future. That's right. Yeah, I'll probably grow up to be a periscuous girl. That child is definitely going to grow up and kill them all. You won't give a fuck. And the child's name, Wolfgang. And he had a falling out at a camp flog. Yeah, I had a falling out of my bed last night with my nightmare.

You were on fire right now, my friend. I had a dream about Tronket. I had a falling out of five years. I had a dream that I was the cockroach. I had a dream that I was the cockroach from yonkers. I got eaten. Yeah. I got eaten by this gay guy.

And you screamed in your pants. Yeah. Mm-hmm. You did when you got eating. Yeah. You made scream out your thing. Do you guys remember how awesome it was when Tyler the Creator and a bugger? I know.

I was like, I'm freaking weird bug eater. I'm a guy who eats a bugger. I have to say, I thought it was really gross when Tyler the Creator. creator ate the bug. I was happy that he knew he did what was right and he hung himself right after. That's right. He knew that what he did was wrong. I'm a guy who eats a bug I'm a freaky weird.

I'm just the guy who died and hung himself because I ate the bug again. You know, that's why he hangs himself in the video because the bug was so gross. He still had the bug taste in his mouth. Couldn't get rid of it. He'd rather die than have a bug in his stomach. That video, dude. When I saw that when I was so sick. Oh my God. Change my life.

Yeah, me too. I was eating bugs left and right. I wanted to buy that stupid, odd future cloud button down. Remember that? As soon as Earl got out of... As soon as Earl got out of bad kid school. It was so funny. People were like, we have to save him from high school.

Yeah. His mom sent him to like a... Yeah, because he made 50,000 songs about rape by the time he was 13. Yeah. I would have done the same thing, dude. Get the fuck out of here, dude. You're not living next to these kids, dude. Can you imagine if your son brought up Tyler, the creator.

Like from a play date He's eating bugs in your living room Be like, no, dude, you're going A military school, bro Yeah I bet it was annoying like having to go to Oh, I don't know, Samoa That was probably

A beautiful tropical paradise Yeah He went to surf academy Oh no, I had to surf all day It was so awful Yeah, I didn't do louwows Oh my God He came back though

His music after Way better It was swaggy He was like he was asleep rape songs, yeah. Yeah. What's that? They literally had a song

called Epar. Yeah. Hey, that's on Staples. That song's pretty good. That song is pretty good. Pretty sick. That's how I found out

about Vince Staples and then he kind of... That's how I found about sexual assault. I had no idea. It hadn't even heard it. Uh-huh. It is so funny. Again, it is probably something

a bunch of people talk about. It's very funny to imagine somebody who's a big fan of like Earl sweatshirt and Tyler the creator right now to be like, I'm going to listen to their old stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's what happened. Like all like the TikTok kids

are fighting out about Tyler creator's old stuff they're like he's gonna do he he did what he took off all of her limbs and then fucked her dead body meanwhile now it is

songs are like I kissed a guy and I liked it I'm a gay monster yeah I kissed a guy and I don't know if I'm gay yep

and he dresses up like Elton John outside my window I haven't heard of Tyler the Creator's side now he fell off when he stopped shopping I heard. Yeah, I fell off of my bed the other night.

Really? Yeah. I had a nightmare. For real? For real, for real. Shit. Well, the nightmare wasn't real. It was a nightmare.

Is his new music good? I don't know. I don't think so. I listen to the one, what was it? I listened to Wolf in high school when the, like, the one that he was like hyping up for years. And then I heard that. And I was like, damn, this sucks. Yeah, it was not as good as the other stuff.

Yeah, I listened to, like, Igor when it came out and I was like, like, Cherry Bomb was already bad, I think, too. That one was not. not great. Which one is one? He started hanging out with ASAP Rocky all the time and they like started like driving a lot of cars together. Oh, and they were going to make like ASAP Wang or something. I don't even remember. I bet he wants some wang ASAP these guys. Dude, bastard. That was my shit. Bastard, dude. A song

VCR was tight. That song bastard. Personally, I prefer slick Rick. This is what the devil plays before he goes to sleep. Once upon the time not long ago when people were pajamas and That song is in Tony Hawk's Proving Ground Lincoln Park JZ collision course Now that's real rap Yeah you know what the real rap

That's boom bap Mm-hmm And none of this hippity hoppity shit Yeah Just rap Uh-huh Yeah Just with the backpack on

Talking about A sap rock Because it's not about No jumper cables It's not about guns or sex Or any of that stuff It's about crawling in my skin Yep

Asop rock He doesn't say no jumper cables And I just found a frog And it was on the a log and I saw a frog that was weird I just saw a weird frog and I got a beard I saw a frog that was weird and it had a beard and it had a beard and John darnel is going to sing the chorus of seven years okay I have bugs

in my basement I saw a frog that was weird it had a beard and I just went home and I became a bearded bone what's that song called the fucking mountain goats ASAP rock song I don't know fuck that one album we don't need no that album he did with tobacco all this is so many So many, like, rap guys who were like, I'm going to be the guy with the funny voice. Yeah. Yeah. Danny Brown.

Danny Brown. He's the king. The king, dude, he's like the best. I love Danny Brown. The best ever. Remember when a lady sucked his penis when he was on stage? Yeah. And remember, like, what's her name, Kitty Pride, put out a thing that was like, that was

actually not very cool. And you see the video and he's, like, pointing at her head like, yeah. He's like, she's like, that's my friend. And actually, he hated that. And it was, it ruined his relationship. And in the video, the girl starts sucking his dick, and he's just pointing at her head. Like, oh, yeah, fuck yeah. So cool, dude.

Dude, he's the man. He had, like, the funniest. He had the funniest tweet, like, I think I've ever seen where it was like, Grand Theft Auto Ballad of Gay Tony. Oh, yeah. What am I going to do commissions for a peep? Awesome. Yeah.

He's cool, dude. Yeah, he's great. I love that he's just, he also, he's just super into persona. That's so funny to me. He is. Yeah, he's obsessed with persona. He's the best. We need to collab with more rap.

Oh, yeah. We kind of have a rap style. Oh, yeah. Well, do you guys think that we could get signed to Rhymesayers? I think we could get... I think we could do. Why haven't we been signed yet? Makes no sense, bro.

We're underground legends already. I just remembered... I won't say it. What? Okay. It's a burn on Caleb. It's a burn on me? Uh-oh.

No, there's a picture of you from, like, high school. You're in a fool's gold shirt. I used to love A-track, dude. That's the... I mean, I have some pretty bad photos of me in high school, but, man, that, like, I knew exactly what kind of kid you were. Dude, I was homeschool, dude. I didn't have, I had, you guys all had a leg up in this world. Yeah.

I had to crawl from the bottom, dude. That's true. I had no standards of what was cool. I was, like, fucking, I was listening to Pete Holmes, bro. Yeah. Yeah, I love. My favorite rapper. Pete Holmes, bro.

He was, he was fire. Yeah. Dude, have you heard T.J. Miller's rap out? album? Yeah, dude. He made a whole fucking rap. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah. What? Yeah, he says the N-word on that album. He did a song with, um... He did a song with Bo Burnham. He did a song with Ugly Duckling, if you remember them. Yeah. Remember they had that song in Tonya's Project 8, it's like, smack! You needed that. Don't teach you how to act. Yeah. That song is awesome. I bet you. That's a song from the Paul Rodriguez mission. We need, why, we need to get T. We need to get T. Milla on the podcast. Yeah. That'd be so eating out of them. I was just, I was just,

beat him with the shit. I was just re-watching that clip. You remember in Cloverfield when they're there in the... Yeah, I saw a dinosaur outside. When they're in the hospital area. And the girl's like, I don't feel good. And they take her behind a curtain. She explodes.

That scene, I was rewatching that. Because I remember that scene, that's getting scared me so bad when I first saw it. And I just rewatched it this morning because I was like, oh, that was cool. And it's like, she was like, like, blood is squirting out of her. It's just to get him to be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. What's going on? It's like...

it's so fucking funny dude the fact that like they hired the most annoying guy in the world to be the one who talks over the entire movie well that's like that's the guy who would have the camera yeah no it works I hate him yeah that's the guy he would have the camcorder yeah because he's just it's so it's so funny how annoying he is in that

because the first the whole beginning of that movie is him just going to people be like say something to the camera and they're like will you shut the fuck up like will you leave me alone it's perfect it's so good people don't walk around with cameras like they used to I'll say that much of this new one world. Everyone's got a damn phone now. That's right. iPhones, the new cameras. Imagine the world. The world is pretty much streamed online every day. There's no such thing as privacy anymore. And we live in a digital hell world where basically you can download pictures of Carmen Electra's pussy and boos at your fingertip.

I'd like to have both of them on my fingertips. I know. My fingertip. Because her boobs and her pussy are just perfectly small enough that they fit. Really? Yeah, they do. You would like to have 1990s, Carmen. Aletra have sex with you? No, I want to have... At your finger, too. I want to have 2090s, Carmen Elektra. Have sex with me.

Yeah. Bones. Old-ass bones. Yeah. Just fucking... Dry bones. Just dry bones. No meat on.

I've been picked clean by a vulture. Cobwebs. She died in the desert. She died on Route 66. Uh-huh. A vulture, a turkey vulture. Picked her entire bones cleaning. And I'm there, and listen,

it's Mad Max style. I got to get it where I can. It's either me fucking dust and lizards or this pile of bones. I'm choosing the bones, my friend. I would choose a lizard. Nah. You would rather fuck a lizard than bones? Tribute to the movie Grind.

I don't know what that means. Yeah, I don't either. There's a scene in Grind where a lizard goes into his pants. I would put a lizard on my dick like when you'd make a lizard earring. Yeah. Yeah. He gets the lizard in his pants. He goes like, I just got violated by lizards, dude.

Pretty good scene. Look up Grind Lizard. Okay. Yeah, I'm doing it right now. Just kidding. I'm real. upping my subscription to keeps instead you take keeps no dude that'd be crazy that'd be so funny been taking keeps for four years yeah no dude my mom got me i did it for one month one year

my mom got me disrespectful my mom got me hymns she got me monoxidil she didn't get me the finasteride she i did have like hair gummies though like hair uh gomies basically like fanasteride gummies it's funny that it's funny a grown man eating gummies gummies to prevent hair loss yeah you have you have air loss because you've had too well no he was soy products in your life and they're like

well we gotta feed him gummies he was eight when you got the finaster egg yeah that makes sense yeah I'm just gonna let myself go bald I'm gonna have my mad scientist hair I don't care mad scientist hair is fucking if you shave your head I'm growing mine out

yeah yeah that'd be so funny I think I honestly think it might look pretty cool I do a Walton Goggins thing You could do a Walton Goggins thing You could do it's so tight That's what I'm saying You got to do it Crazy teeth though

You've like established yourself As a bald guy now I know dude It kind of stinks Yeah Like if I go back I'm like Fuck I'm like losing myself

Yeah I love being a bald guy You know It's so fun It's so nice Shaving all your hair off Is so therapeutic It's great dude

I literally have a reverse Samson effect Where if I don't If I don't If I don't shave my head For a couple days I feel like shit Yeah

And then if I keep it clean though Oh my God I was in high school I would I shaved my head at least once a year Like like Bick razored Wow Bick razored Dude you realize I do that every morning bro

I know my head like I need to have hair Because my head is is like You have those lumps on the back That plus I have a perfect circle head Yeah Oh yeah you look like a bowling ball Yeah you've seen me bald before No I haven't but I'm imagining you're right

now you kind of i have a bunch of like red circles and bumps i have like an almond chip head a bunch of red circles and purple lumps yeah yeah yeah i have spikes on my head i had a fucking dream last night that i had no more hair and then like the top of my head was all like zits and pus and cysts and cysts too really yeah in addition to the zits and the pus yeah no god damn is that i tried to look up like zits and pus on hair my dream a dream yeah a dream yeah like one of those dream analyzer things and I realized like oh yeah I'm like the I'm literally having a stress dream about like getting a zit on my head I know myself well enough that I would be so neurotic yeah if you have to look up what a dream means it doesn't mean anything exactly yeah it's all either it's

it's either yeah you have a dream that you have a dream where your boss says you didn't do your work right or you a dream where you are a dinosaur yeah yeah I don't think dreams mean anything yeah the older I get I don't think that but then it will will be like, I will have a dream where it's like, where I have a dream where it's like, I need to do something. And then I wake up and like, oh, I forgot to do that thing. Yeah. I think that's a dream where it's like, I've fought Megatron and I wake up with a puddle

and nut and I'm like, what does this mean? That means you have to fight Megatron. That means I have to fight Megatron. And when I do, it's going to be so awesome that I, hands-free nut. Oh, my God. I forgot to fuck the, the, the, I forgot to fuck the grandma from yes, man. Oh, no. I bet she, I bet she go crazy, though.

She goes crazy in the movie, dude. She takes her dentures out and starts... She starts galloping. She turns into a horse. She starts galloping, and then she puts ketchup on a hot dog. And that hot dog does not agree with her stomach. And that's sucking dick. And then she sucks a dick.

And then she sucks Jim Carrey's dick. There's a deleted scene where she's dressed up like a horse. Yes, man, it's not a good movie. Movie changed my life as a kid. Really? I've definitely said this before. Recently, my dad was like, we have to watch Yes Man. I never seen before.

I watched it. I was like, why did you say we have to watch this? It was basically, it changed my life. I did Yes, man for seven days afterwards, and it made my life suck. Yeah. Yeah. I went on my first ever date, my first girlfriend in sixth grade. And when I was in sixth grade, don't.

make that joke and then I ate all of the popcorn before the movie that she bought the popcorn and then I looked at her and I said oh I'm sorry I didn't think you wanted any of it. I was nervous. The thing about yes man is that

it doesn't be doing yes man doesn't actually help you because you need to already have a life where people are like asking like do you want this gold bar? Do you want to go on vacation? And real life a yes man is just like will you do this? Can you do this? And you say, yeah, there's no, you have to already be asked by people.

Especially if you, like, rear in somebody in there like, hey, buddy, suck my dick. Oh, fuck, oh. Yes, man. Well, they're not asking. You have to say, will you suck my dick. Will you suck my dick? Oh, shit. Yeah, I guess I will.

You say, well, you say, suck my dick, buddy. Can you ask, ask, ask it. Make it a question. Make it a question. Oh, I guess I'm a yes, man. I got to suck this guy's cock on the highway. Oh, great. I'm going to get out of my car, go to this truck stop, and I'm going to just, I got to just wait

for people to ask me some questions. Yep, but hey, I'm a yes man, I gotta do it. That's what they're called. They are. On the lot, yes, man. Yeah, a lot, yes, man. Lot, yes, man. Remember that video that video where it was like,

what I eat in a day as a disabled glory hole worker? You guys watch that one? No. Chili. Is it a video you made? No. Chili, how did you make the video? Breakfast, chili.

Lunch, chili. Dinner, chili. Beans and chili. black bean chili what does it mean what do they mean glory hole worker you don't pay somebody I think they they drilled a hole in their house or something my ear just started ringing do you think I'm gonna die yeah probably your ears ringing because someone's talking about you really yeah that's what that means because he just we're talking about the disabled glory

hole work yeah we're talking about chili that's probably what it is no I'm so hungry my ears started ringing thinking about chili yeah no but like how do you I don't I don't understand you turn glory hole sucking and fucking into You just put a slot under it for money. Yeah. You put like a quarter, a card, a card rate. You put a dollar in the hole.

It's like one of the four quarter things for a pool table, right, where you suck, you do that, and then... And then when you pull out, the lips show up, yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. And it makes the same, boom, as like a pool table. Yeah, it goes gung, gong, gong, gong, gong, bang. You remember that movie, Be Cool? No. Yeah.

Or get shorty. Get shorty and be cool. His name was Chili Palmer. What? John Travoltault does not. name in that movie is Chili Palmer. That one girl's name

is Kiki Palmer. I would love to have some chili in my palms right now. I think Chili Palmer is Kiki Palmer's dead. Mm-hmm. The Kiki, Kiki, the...

It is the same... It's short for Kapsasin, Kapsa-Saysan. Kassapesan. Kassasasasana. I forgot how to say Kapsa-San. My cousin one time distilled pure Kapsa-San extract and put it in my chili.

Really? And I, like, it like, ruined my life, I think. Yeah. Like, since then I've not had a normal shit. Really? Yeah, my cousin Nick. I've not. I've not been having good shits lately.

I just want to let you guys know my farts in this office have not been good. Diesel, huh? My farts here have literally smelled like my stomach is decaying. I love that, dude. I love smelly, stinky shits and farting. I hate it. I hate everything about poop. I hate pooping.

I especially hate wiping. He likes it. This door to this bathroom being back here is like, it's every time it opens it's like unsealing a sarcophagus it smells like a mummy it's just like it's literally every well all of our poops mixed together it's not only the smell too the density of the air in there is different yeah because also when somebody it'll be like someone takes a a really smelly shit and then then lights three candles and closes the door and you walk in and it's like 10 degrees warmer in there and it's like it's like a poop fog all the oxygen is

burned up yeah yeah it's amazing you can't breathe when you're going perfect Yeah. I love it. What we need also is a bathtub in there. Oh my God. We need a chemical shower in here for all the experiments I'm about to do on Cameron. You will not experiment on me. I am an experimenter.

You could not even create a hypothesis about me. Oh, I couldn't create a hypothesis. No. Oh, you're not going to give me a soda. You're not going to give me a sparkling water. We have to do a list. It's a normal episode. Let's do a list of all your best inventions.

This is not a normal. There is not enough time for this to be a normal. episode. Yeah, we got 15 minutes. I can't reveal my best inventions because they're not patented, people will steal them. So I'll do some mediocre ones.

I've got a... Cured a cancer, cured of hunger, cured of bad smell. Cure to bad smell is your third one? Yeah, well, that's what's one of my mediocre one. I got a patented invention. Okay. A what?

Saying a little rat that does a chef. What? Yep. I don't get it. You'll have to say it all over again. Being friends with the king of queens. You have to start over. You have to say the thing again.

Because I don't know. You have a what invention? Patunded. Oh, okay. I got it now. Pat. Oh. Yeah.

See, you went by that way too fast. Patontent. Yeah, you can. You also said patontint bear. I have a patotard. Patontend bear. I have a, I'd like to end Pat. What?

I'd like to end you. Don't hide. I'm just kidding around, man. Don't be. Your ears are the only thing that are still out. Oh, no, you can't hear me. I can hear, you just said, now you can't hear me. What did I say now?

You said, what did I say now? Okay, what did I say before that? Okay, what did I say before that? Yep, you can't hear me at all. Okay, I can hear. If this is one of your inventions, you get a down plus for me. I'll say, I invented this building. This is my invention, puffer jacket.

No, you didn't invent that. And New York's about to go crazy for this. know that nobody it'll never catch on okay it'll never catch on especially in new york go home and get get those disgusting butterscotch boots out of here what are these sir butterscotch boots oh what are these i call them my timber mans that'll never catch on that name will never work timber man timbreland drop the timber man yeah it's just timber land drop the land and turn it to or drop the man turn it to a land. You know what?

We need a Justin Timberlake to tell us to drop something some part of the name. Drop the podcast. Drop the podcast and the list. About. About. About is a good name.

A, B, A, B, O, A.B.T. When we do a, when we do a, when we do a, when we finally have our, like, kind of smodcast style network, right? Smosh. No. Smosh cast. No. Did they make the smosh cast?

The Kevin Smith thing. change the name of this show to Smosh. We could change this to Smosh. Smosh is gone. No, Smosh is still, Smosh is owned by Cheesburger. Smosh is owned by Red and Link. Really? Okay.

Well, you knew that. So you were going to wait us into copywritten territory. No, but it's not Smosh anymore, as I'm saying. So we could become. Wait, what is it? It's still Smosh. No, they just, the one guy is gone, the, like, pan-to-disco guy. It's not old Smosh.

It's new Smosh. It's new Smosh. It just hangs out at the Red and Link offices. I got an interesting. inside man. Yeah. I'm thinking that we could just change the show named two Smoshcast. Why not just smosh those, what I'm saying? You have to have cast, or people won't know it's a podcast. Or Ray

William Johnson. Ray William Johnson podcast. Equals three. We could do equals three. We could change the show to equals three. What about equals three podcasts? The equals three podcasts. What about just what's happening for him? It doesn't work. If you listen, I know all this type of stuff. If you don't have podcast in the name and what it's about, the name people won't know that it's a podcast they won't know what it's about you can't just say you should call it the equals three podcast about viral videos that's pretty

good actually you do have a knack for naming things yeah but as you can't say like like to show that you're qualified to speak on something you can't say I know everything about this I do I know everything about what's your real qualification PhD I know everything about this PhD I know everything about what about naming podcasts poop Ormone disorder. What? From where? From naming podcasts.

I named pretty much every popular podcast. No, from what? From what store. From what store? What school? It doesn't come from a store. You can't get knowledge like that in a store. From what school then?

From what school? The school of Hard Knocks. What school do, when people get their master's degree in prison, where the fuck do they say they went to school? DeVry. I went to prison. I got a PhD. Prison horror.

Prison horror? But like, if they give like a speech. they go like this next guy James You know what would be good He graduated with honors from prison New Disney channel show Prison High

Oh shit It'd be pretty good Yeah you can get high on prison Yeah you can get high in prison You gotta smell a guy's butt or something Yeah Huff and Jankham Mm-hmm

Jank was just pee and poo Mixed together in a bag Fermented into a balloon And then you inhale the balloon How addicted to drugs do you have to be To do Jankham I don't think They don't have to be

addicted to drugs. You don't have to be addicted to drugs or poop. You just need to be 15 and from like... New Hampshire. Oklahoma. And named Patrick Doran. No. Yeah, you do that.

I feel like there's a lot of... I feel like there are a lot of options before Jencom, though. I feel like if you're 15 years old... If you're 15 years old and you do Jenk... Like, there's some... There's still something wrong with you. I'm sorry. There's a lot of, there's a lot of, like, stupid things you should be trying to get high off.

Hit the Benadryl. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, yeah. Hit the... Do some robot-tripping or something. Yeah. Did you guys have the... You don't go straight to poop.

You should wait till you're like 60 to do the... There's a last resort. There's this kid. Did you get the drugs kid? It's like what? You know when people are like, oh, when I turn 80, I'm going to start... I'm going to start fucking doing poop all the time.

I'm start sniffing poop and piss all the time. Hey, who cares? I'm 80 years old. There, do you... The drug kid at your school? You know, the kid that, like... Bob? He hangs out with, like, you hang out, you let him hang out because he will buy you, you, you

buy you or let you buy like he has the like connections but he always has the worst shit and he's always telling you about like the like like oh yeah like there's this drug called this and it makes you do this there's this kid this drug called this and it makes you do his kid his name was brent it's a recursive drug when you take this you do this yeah there's his kid named brent he sat at my lunch table and would like i think he sold weed to like two of my friends and they like he ripped them off so bad that like they stopped hanging out with them, but he told one of my friends that if, like, you hold your fingers near your butt or something like that and hold it there for long enough, and you sniff it, it can get you so high, it'll kill

you. And I remember, I remember, like, you hold it like, you hold it like, you hold your fingers, like, on your taint, and the smell can get you so high, it'll kill you. And I remember one of my friends telling me, like, dude, like, like, you know, like, you hold your fingers, like, Brent told me like this. And I was like, yeah, Brent's a fucking liar. He died from sniffing his taint finger.

You could die from that. Maybe it's the, maybe that's what stink finger is about. It'd be fool. Stink fist. Stink finger is limp biscuit. There's a limp biscuit song called stink finger. Maybe that's what it's about.

Stinky finger. It's funny to do the, bitch. To do the, uh, the, uh, the, the, like, when I turn 80, I'm going to do a, I'm going to do like a million drugs and you turn 80 and you do like you drop acid and you immediately go to jail

and you're executed yeah you just they put you in jail you just have to be in jail for 20 years when I'm 80 I'm gonna put myself

in a padded cell and eat only vegetables I'm gonna be so scared of dying there's no way I'm gonna be doing heroin I'm gonna be doing heroin when I'm like 80 if I make it to 80

no I'm doing heroin one time for the one time no no you're gonna turn into my grandpa you will not like it me yeah why me you said that you're gonna like

put yourself in a padded cell yeah when I turn to 80 I'm gonna listen only hip hop yeah I wanna become the rapping granny yeah basically that's my job I'm gonna become a hype beast grandpa I'm gonna be wearing like I do kind of I dude a shirt that says

supreme logo that says poop on it isn't it crazy we're like two years away from like not knowing what is like like good cool music or movies anymore I feel like I already yeah I'm already It's already creeping up on me. I'm doing everything I can. Dude, if you're like 40 and still dressing like a 17-year-old, it's going to be bad.

I don't dress like a 17-year-old. No, but when you're 40, you will. Yeah. Yeah. I don't dress like a 17-year-old. I'm not going to say, no. You're not going to get me to take that back. I dress like Adam Sandler when I'm 40.

That's my goal. That's my plan. I'm going to get basketball shorts will finally make sense to me. And I'm going to find out. That's what makes sense to you? I don't like wearing sweatpants now. What? Those are two different pants.

Sweep pants. Sweep pants are Basketball shorts are a type of sweatpants. No. What? That's insane.

What the fuck are you talking about? That's a crazy thing you're saying. Those are elastic, elastic made entirely out of a different type of cotton. They're not, what? Dude, they're made out of like jersey material.

Yeah, they're not cotton at all. That's caught. Oh, no, wait, no, that's polyester mesh. Never mind. They're a type of sweatpants? They're polyester mesh,

actually. My bad. You thinking of sweat shorts? My calculations were off. Yes. Okay, sweat shorts are still not sweatpants, but they are the same

material. Yeah. Basketball shorts got the... Like, jean shorts and jeans are the same kind of. You gotta have the line down here. You gotta have the line going down here if you got basketball shows. I don't like basketball. Dude, I don't have a pair of basketball shorts right now.

I don't like basketball shorts. I don't like sweatpants. I love, dude, all I wear, all I wear now is the second I get home, I change into my Bruins pajama pants. That's all I wear. I wear pajamas pants all day. Literally, unless I'm coming here, I'm wearing them. 10 seconds before I leave the house, I change into real pants.

10 seconds after I get home. All day, pajama pants and my crocs. Yep. I have to wear my Chinese slippers. My Bruins, pajama pants and my Chinese slippers. I have to wear jeans and Jerry sweatshirt. And then my mailman reached my doorbell. And I came outside and go, what?

He just looked like a crazy old lady. That's awesome, dude. What do you want? You know what? I did. I had a pair of joggers one time. Oh, dude. Do you joggers?

I used to wear so many joggers. Joggers are the fucking worst pair of pants. They suck, bro. They break all time. If you wear... What are joggers are like the pants with the elastic... Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. Dude, those look like fucking shit.

Yeah. I had a pair... Dude, I bought them because I was like, oh, this is like... They're like 10 bucks. They were gene material with like elastic, like, things. I wore them for like two weeks. And I was like, these fucking... I turned them into shorts.

I was like, I had you some guys less. I have some joggers. Joggers, I feel like, are nice if, not for jogging, but if it's really, if it's cold, that's it keeps the heat from your, from your balls and wiener. Well, yeah, it's like sweatpants. I'm very pro wearing sweatpants out and about. Yeah. Like wearing them too stuff.

I love sweatpants. Yeah. When I was in high school, I literally would wear pajamas to school every day. Oh. I do that great sweatpants challenge, you know, fairly often did. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

I literally, if I'm not wearing like something with a belt on it or whatever, It's just, I just, I hate the way that any, any, any clothes that aren't pajamas, I hate the way they feel on my skin. When I was in, dude, it's so, like, I'm the exact opposite. When I was in Boston, I was like, we were, I was, they're doing standup and I got, I did one show where I was like, went out being like, all right, I'm going to pick up some jeans while we're out. And then I didn't pick up any jeans.

I was wearing sweatpants all day. I was like, okay, whatever, I'll just do my set in sweatpants. And I, like, got off stage and a comedian was like, I, that was funny, but you, everyone you can just see your penis the entire time. I was like, ah, cool. Because you're just nubbing up, yeah, the whole time, dude. Yeah, yeah. It's casting a dark, blue sweatpants, dark shadow.

Definitely. Dark, dark shadow. It's awesome. Dude, it's so funny the rules that, like, don't wear shorts on stage. What if I'm in Miami? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Don't wear a hat. What if the hat is funny? What if the hat says old fart? Yep. What if the hat has my beers on either side of it? Uh-huh. And then I don't have to use one hand, then I use both hands on the mic.

What if? What if it's a top hat? Yeah. What if the hat has a... What if I'm a magician? And there's a rabbit in there. What if the hat has a propeller and my closer is flying away? Mm-hmm.

Think about it, bitch. When is the Elon Musk going to make a propeller hat that actually fucking works? Uh-huh. Yeah. We've been waiting on it. He's too focused on buying Twitter right now. Yep. And didn't he make the shittiest internet in the world?

What? What? Starlink? Stuxnet. No. Not Stuxnet. Starlink. Stuxnet. The Star Blaster?

He puts... He has an internet service called Starlink, and it's like you buy a satellite that's huge, and you put it on your house, and you get the worst internet in the world that's insanely expensive, yeah. But it's not. Think geek? Think geek. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm thinking of Luke Crate. Yeah. Oh, I know Luke Crate. Yeah. You don't know Luke Crate. I do. Really? Luke Crate.

Did he give you this? Yeah. Oh, interesting. He gave me that poster. Did he give you this post? to it says I am my ancestors wallets streams? Yeah. Okay. That was actually that was when I'm... Where did you get this? I moved

into my new place. That was already up there? This was in a, this is in a tube in my closet. Really? Yeah. She's beautiful. I've seen this before. Yeah. But not this print. I have the tube right here, actually. It's funny to have a... If you want to read the company that it's from. It's funny to have a... What is the company? Let's see. Occupation democracy. Occupation does not equal democracy. That's the company?

I guess Huh It's funny to have a poster where the actual text of the poster is on a t-shirt The person that you draw in the poster

Yeah, it's pretty funny It says love something It says love always Uh-huh It says a lot of different stuff I think this might be worth A lot of money Yeah

That's like a real print Yeah I see it's signed It's signed Yeah it's signed by By Mike Be Mike Yeah Yeah this is a

Big Mike This was just in my closet, so I don't know. This is like finding a climped original, dude. Yeah. Yeah. You might be a millionaire if you can pry it for my cold dead hands. Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Better doing this. Holding it like this. Holding the poster like that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. If you can pry it for my warm, tight hands. It's a gift to you. It's a gift I gave to you.

My warm, dripping wet, tight hand. My inviting, dripping wet, grueling hands. It's my gift to you, dude. Oh, my. hands are so tight and wet. Come on. Take something out of my hands or go ahead and try. Okay. Top 10 adjectives for hands. Wet. Wet. Stinky. Stinky wild. Weiner. You actually don't smell that. Weiner holding.

Weiner holding hands. My penis holding. Try it from my penis holding hands. Winky. Weird. Crazy. Pink. Yeah. Puppet. Microscopic Ubi Ubi? Ubi remember him Ubi and Grampo Ubo is that his name

Ubi Ubi Ubi and then Grandpau was Closed fist This is Grampu Grandpoo was this And you'd go Oh

Strong Not mine I'm having a fucking heart attack He wouldn't say that Bramu Rampu are you okay Oh shit I'm fucking dying

Grandpa You don't have a heart You're a hand Oh, Jesus fucking grace. You're having a hand attack. Number 10. Grandpa have hand attack. There we go.

Grampu. Grampu not going to survive? Number 10, not going to make it. Number 10 is cheesy. Cheesy ass hands. Cheesy ass hands. Cheesy ass hands, but you have to have those poops. Yep.

All right. Go to Swagpoop.com slash shows to buy tickets to the tour. I hope no one's mad at us for never doing a list. Check out the inflatri-reon. Yeah. You're going to want to. Patreon to help us out of this scam-demic. Take that Spotify.

Bitch. Bye. Bye.