Podcast About List - Ep. 190 - Doggy Doo Board Game
Episode Date: April 20, 2022buy tour tickets at www.swagpoop.com/shows ...
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Come in, come in, come in, and we see a butt.
All counts for the ball list.
Every crap monster.
Uh, wait.
Okay, we started the timer.
It didn't even start it. It started.
This is counting down.
It's counting up.
It's counting up.
This is counting every terrorist attack happening in the city right now.
Every single second.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're in the middle of a.
serious terrorist moment here in New York City
where some very short terrorists
is getting it is getting his
Yep
He's 5 foot 5 little terrorists
The 12th for the 12th of April
The 12th of April
And pretty early in the morning
So we're, and they haven't caught the guy
So what we're thinking is that maybe we record this
And we schedule it and then probably we all
All through us die by this man's hand
So this could be our last
So this is our time to kind of talk shit
I'm supposed to see the Sonic movie tonight
Sonic 2.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
How is Jim Carrey supposed to be fucking Eggman, dude?
I know.
He's supposed to be fat.
He's round.
Not, yeah, not just fat, but round.
Yeah.
Well, not even just round.
Almost egg-shaped, rainbow shape.
The similarities between...
OVOid.
The similarities between Jim Carrey and Eggman, those are the only differences.
All of the crimes are similar.
I bet that they'll have...
I bet he'll be fed in Eggman origins.
Mm-hmm.
And he loses the weight at the end.
We need a full-length Bowser movie.
Yeah.
Just about Bowser.
But, like, what is Bowser's origin story?
He's just, like, born up.
He steals women.
What's that movie?
What's that movie?
What's that movie?
Like a downfall-style movie about Bowser?
What's downfall?
They should make a movie called Fall Down Downfall's the Hitler movie?
Oh, yeah, with the funny, with the movie.
Yeah, where they put the Rooscape, they put the Rooscape text over it.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We need a movie like that, but with Bowser.
Bowser deserves to win.
I agree.
Just let him once in his life.
Yo, Peach.
Peach, let Bowser hit one time for the one time.
He did, dude.
Bowser Jr. is Peach's kid.
That, no, he, bro.
And let me and.
What are the other kids?
No, dude.
Peach is not popping out fucking dinoes at her snatch.
She laid it, she laid an egg.
You're thinking Birdo, who has an egg mouth.
No, Burrow is trans.
I'm thinking of Peach laying an egg.
You're not.
You're thinking of a bird.
No.
Oh.
I think Bowser shot an egg into Peach's thing.
Bowser wouldn't shoot an egg, you would shoot a sperm.
He would shoot tons of, millions of, bro.
He would shoot millions of sperm and one of them would defeat the rest of the rest of
burns.
I've seen pictures online.
Look up,
look up Bowser and Peach.
Bowser never, Peach never let him hit.
He was on this website about rules.
Bro, he's too busy doing different locks and designing levels for Mario to defeat.
He has to make, he has to make,
Like, he has to hire all the enemies, too.
I will say, he has to audition them all.
He has to go through the resume.
I don't even know if he wants to have sex with her.
Speaking of.
He just wants a mom for his kids.
There should be one in one Mario level.
It's just one really handsome Cupa.
This one is different.
Isn't there one in Paper Mario?
I don't know.
She should suck his cock.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's not that they're all like this, they're all the same creature.
So they always happen to look the same.
And there's one that's, that's really hot.
Yeah.
Really, really hot.
one who's like mad cool too
Patrick is he's imagining
this
he's got his eyes closed
he's imagining a handsome cupa
yeah
you're so sleepy
why are you so sleepy
I don't know
so much crap going on in the damn
world is it maybe the terrorism is so
boring to you
millions of people dying
terrorism is boring as hell
I kind of don't care anymore man
yeah
yeah already
yeah it's been
Two hours, I'm like...
It's been like 20 minutes.
I found out...
I found out 15 minutes ago.
It hasn't even been to it.
It happened at 8.30.
But the news came out was like 10 minutes ago.
Happened at 8.30.
It actually came out one minute ago.
Okay.
Well, I'm already bored with it.
Can we move on to something cool?
Yeah.
Can somebody drop a big bomb out of the...
Do you...
Every time a plane flies over to you, do you ever think like this is it?
Yeah.
The big bomb is going to hit me?
Pretty often.
Well, because if you look up and you see that mouth, that bullet bill mouth, you know
you're done for, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's so fucking...
All right, what if you looked up and you saw...
You saw all the Warzone guys in the plane?
It's a hundred and twenty people jumping out of the plane.
You see guys using a...
Using a flapjack's as parachutes like Fortnite?
Oh, Jesus, great.
Yeah, today's the day.
That's totally marshmallow falling down.
I can't mistake that helmet anywhere.
That is definitely marshmallow jumping out of that point.
It's cell shamed.
Rick Sanchez.
Oh, look who's behind him.
Oh, yeah, that's Bruno Mars.
Yeah, awesome.
It'd be funny if that was, if New York City came under attack and it was just a hundred
guys that jumped out of a plane.
They all just got killed immediately because just a hundred guys.
Yeah, but, well, if they're war zone guys, they're going to instantly kill us, dude.
Well, us, yeah.
The time to kill on a human versus a war zone guy, like I'm, one bullet kills them.
Obviously, yeah, but there are a lot of police here, and they would do their duty.
Yeah, the police are the strongest in New York City.
They would shoot them.
If you asked me, they'd probably be eating donuts and fucking chewing gum.
No.
Yeah, there's anything about a police officer.
If they see anybody flying down on a hang glider, they're killing them instantly.
Yeah.
They should.
Yeah.
You don't think.
I mean, I 100% believe they would.
I think of a police officer, a New York police officer is walking down the street and looked up and saw, and saw Ariana Grande drifting down on a magical umbrella.
They would shoot her.
Yeah.
No, you see like a copse.
He's a guy made out of pancakes.
He's opened and fire.
I want the giant Ariana Grandegronda.
Grande from the concert to attack
New York City and I could maybe get
squished by her giant foot. That would be sick.
Or Travis Scott, not Travis Scott.
Just Ariana Grande. No, just Ariana Grande.
Maybe she could like
suck us up her butthole.
Yeah. Remember when they announced?
Remember when they announced, remember when
Palpatine had that announcement in Fortnite?
No.
There was like a, there's like a thing
in the Rise of Skywalker
River the fuck it's called
like the opening.
fuck that movie of my favorite franchise ever is called.
I always forget if it's like the rise of Skywalker or like the something else.
It's the rise of Skywalker.
Okay.
You only said, you said the right thing two different times.
Or whatever the fuck.
There's like the opening credit crawl.
Yeah.
It's like Palpatine has announced like his return.
That was like a Fortnite exclusive event.
Really?
So like part of, canonically like in the Star Wars lore like,
Palpatine announced he was coming back to the...
In Fortnite?
He goes to the Fortnite?
That's sick.
Do you know, did you remember that that Fortnite event where they was called...
They did like it for...
Martin Luther King?
Martin Luther King, yeah.
And they...
There was...
Everyone, no, every bunch of people started using...
They have a catwoman in the game.
And the catwoman has an emote that's catwoman's whip.
Oh, no.
And a bunch of people started doing catwoman's whip and they had to turn off all emotes.
Yeah.
Which is like, why...
They're much...
You should have hired somebody to look through every single emote in the game.
You're like, which one of these can be races?
Come on.
Yeah, that's a pretty big oversight.
Yeah, you should have just had them turned off in the first place.
It's not disrespectful to do the floss while MLK talks?
Very disrespectful.
That's insanely respectful.
Do you only do, okay, what other times do you do the floss when a song is very cool, right?
And when it when someone's spitting.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, well, okay, doing the day.
With the L on your forehead.
You can't do that.
That stands for Love All Races.
That's Luther.
Martin Luther King.
You can't do it.
See?
We fixed it.
And the dab.
Well, that's cool.
Okay, I think we solved everything.
And the whipping.
Destroy all bad things.
Well, that's cat woman's whip.
Yeah, it's different.
Yeah.
So, see, you're freaking out about nothing.
I think that cops should be legally allowed to eat people to stop them from doing crimes.
I agree.
A cop should be able to take a bite.
No gun.
If you're under arrest, a cop should be able to, like, eat your flesh.
Yeah.
I think cops should have no guns, but they should have full, they can do...
Forks and knives.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They can eat any part of you if you're resisting arrest.
Yeah.
Yeah, for any reason.
Stop resisting.
Yeah.
Yeah, they should be able to just hold you down and just take a big bite.
Stop resisting.
Yeah, if a cop, if I was doing some kind of, I don't know, terrorism or shoplifting or...
Wait, let's think about this for a second.
Five-five.
Five foot five.
Okay.
Said he was...
Well, he said he was black.
Could have been...
I mean, could have been mistaken.
Yeah.
Black Irish, maybe.
Yep.
And I think they said that his name was...
I think that...
I said his initials.
He had his initials on his clothes.
And I think they were eyewitness reports that said that he said he was, quote, unquote, so tired at the time of the attack.
I think he went, oh, I'm tired.
And then threw a gas bomb and killed 13 people.
Well, the train comes faster.
you do a gas bomb that's true it's it's night you put yeah they have to move everyone out of
there yeah that's true yeah yeah i bet the trains are fucked today man oh boy dude it's not it's gonna
ruin my sonic too experience you remember whenever they when in boston a couple times somebody
would just jump in front of the train and then just everybody would just be so there's not a single
dead person who has ever been more hated everybody gets so mad jumps in front of a train yeah
that is like and you and you just everybody's just going oh
Oh, what an asshole!
Yeah.
So cool, dude.
That's the best way to kill yourself.
Yeah.
Just ruin a million people's days.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Everyone's taking a $100 Uber to work.
It immediately justifies your suicide.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like, oh, everyone's like, yeah, he deserves to be dead.
Yeah, yeah.
No, he's not a coward.
He's a dickhead.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a jerk.
Mm-hmm.
A real jerk.
Yep.
Yeah.
I think every single one, you're, I think if you are a jerk,
you should kill yourself.
You think jerk should kill himself?
I think jerks and bullies.
How about jaggoffs?
Hey, bullies, jaggoffs, fucking...
Do you hate jackwagons as much as I do?
Pricks.
Oh, don't get me started on pricks, man.
Jabronies, you're going to see the barrel of an AR-15.
Sluts?
Hey, well, no.
So you can come over to my damn house.
That's what's up.
Whenever somebody jumps in front of the train.
Ass hats, oh, my God.
I find out what their name is.
I write down my little notebook so I can show up to their funeral.
or all night after everyone's tearful and, like, and, you know, missing them and stuff, I can
just stand up and be like, well, just so you know, they jumped in front of, they ruined
a lot of people.
I just want to balance this out.
Everyone's saying a lot of nice things, but they made a lot of people very unhappy.
Probably, I mean, more people that are in this room right now.
I mean, you guys, you guys are clearly a lovely family who loved your son very much, but
there's not that many of you, and he ruined a thousand people's days in 10 seconds.
He was a loving father, a brother.
A husband.
Yeah, and he was a laytoner.
Yep, and a prick.
He was a latener.
He made everyone freaking late on the train.
No one is talking about this.
He was a loving father.
I think he was a hating ass clown.
I think he was a jabroney and kind of a...
You should kill yourself at his funeral.
That would just perpetuate the cycle.
In order to break the cycle, I'm never going to die.
No, see, that's what you do the Fortnite dances.
Oh, true.
Well, no, I would...
When before, like, they drive...
drop the coffin in.
He's like, his wife crying.
Yeah, you're just doing the L thing.
That wants me with.
Yeah.
Why are you doing this?
Why?
He made me late to the movies.
He lateened to me for Sonic 2.
He latent me to the movies.
Here's the thing, bro.
Just fucking, just blow into his thumb, blow him back up.
When they're, like, reading, they're reading, they're, like, they're sad, like,
eulogy thing at the, at the podium, and you just, like, write down a note and, like,
hand it up.
sitting there like with your hands in your lap like looking at them really expectantly
it's like keep handing them notes he latened me he lateened me to the movies
he late me made he like no write another one i meant he made me late what's a way to kill
you i hate him to is that the ultimate like one man damage that one person can cause by
killing them i mean if unless what if you did like you had all your friends and family and
everybody come to your one man show and then the final act of the one man show is you
like kill yourself because then you got to see bad theater and a suicide but they won't be
late for work the the ultimate day ruining suicides are unlocked when you are a politician
or a person in power if you're the president you can basically yeah yeah you know it be fun
is kill yourself you're standing over the nuclear button yeah and then you kill yourself and
it's just your your head just hits it yeah you know and you're like oh my
Football.
What?
How about like a nuclear like book or like a nuclear balance Sebastian record?
I hate these meatheads knocking into each other on the field.
It's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, uh, homoerotic.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You guys are wearing tights.
I don't know.
I watched the nuclear football for the nuclear commercials.
Gay Superman.
Oh, God.
Yeah, you know what the nuclear commercial is?
the damn springfield power plant commercial that's right you lost me yeah yeah homer seriously
you're an absolute you had an absolute run who put this fellow homer in charge of the damn nuclear
stuff probably that asshole fucking mr clown montgomery burns what's his name don't get me
started i don't even want to say his name anymore mr burns his penis on a foreman grill yeah
yeah yeah that's the only way he can get home or because he should be at homer instead of working with
these dangerous chemicals and radio activity.
And Bart, he should be Bart, he should be Bart aware of ring some books for doing
Bart to do some homework with.
Yeah, Fart, stinky kid.
Yep.
Lisa, she should be leasing a new car instead of being a child.
She's so intelligent.
And Maggie, she should be bagging my groceries.
Yeah, which actually, if you watch the intro of the show, she ends up being in a bag.
It's an Easter egg for her name.
It's an Easter egg for her future.
It's an Easterer.
Her character was originally named Baggie.
Yeah.
It was a little Easter egg that they left.
marge she should be marging my penis up into a bunch of meat and marging it up in a bowl
she should be turning she'd be using margarine on the balls in my winger she should be
marginalized she should be barging into the room where i'm doing my thing yeah hey marge
when the ants come marching up your leg and into your dress and i want to watch that marge a bunch
of ants all over your body you know there's those guys who have like the holding in p-fet
dishes um yeah yeah one time there was this there's this book in free period in middle school
we had this teacher who would like just uh who like study and just stand in the front of the
classroom like oh i need to go so hot dude oh i need to go she would read this book that was about like
all these crazy ways that people had died yeah and one of them was a guy in like the 16th century
held in his piece so long that he just croaked damn croaked he didn't just die he didn't die for like
or 40 more years, but he did go
so it's pretty cool.
Yeah.
I bet the pee came out of his mouth
after he held it in that.
Yeah, if you hold in your pee enough
and you start sweating, is that pee?
Yeah, I think it's pee no matter what.
I think pretty much everything becomes,
like it saturates every part of your body.
I think all body fluids are pee.
Yeah, I think pee is like the base.
Because like everything has
has water in it to be wet.
Yeah, come is white pee.
97% pee.
It's pee with sperm's in it.
I mean, let's be scientific.
Yeah, it's pee with the sperms in it.
Yeah, which makes it white, but it's not just white pee.
I mean, that's a bit simplistic.
Yo, let me get the pee with the sperms in it.
Sure, sure.
Oh, you want the pee with the sperms?
And the result is, OMG.
It's a kid.
It's a really ugly kid.
First you put the sperm's on the grill.
Then you put the pee on the grill.
I love that guy.
Yeah, me see him.
We should go to his bodega.
Maybe he needs us today.
Maybe we need to go be the Ock Protection Force.
It's true.
Yeah.
We need to be protecting the subways.
Uh-huh.
I'm going to stand in front of all the subway entrances.
We need to be, what are they called, the Angels?
Yeah.
Was Curtis Silwa in?
Um, the red berets.
I don't think we need to be in the red berets.
I think we could be in our own thing.
Yeah.
The cool berets.
Well, if we...
Boreys are kind of like...
Berets are kind of, like, artsy.
Yeah.
Well, let's see it.
What about the cool hats?
Or like the top hat brigade.
Yeah, the bowler hat brigade.
The white angels.
Because there's, I mean, there's the blue angels.
They're in the sky.
Yeah.
What about the.
The white angels, I feel like, would be in the snow.
Well, we need to also, we need it.
I mean, we don't want to be angels because we want to scare the bad guys.
The brown angels.
We can do the brown angels.
Well, what about the, like, yeah, okay, we could be in Brownsville.
The evil devils.
We can be in the...
Yeah, because what's scarier to a bad guy than punishment for his crime?
The retribution.
Yeah.
And maybe the devil is like the ultimate.
What about the evil devils of retribution?
Wait, no, because you can't go...
What about the...
The regular guys.
Okay, what about the good devils?
See, the regular guys, because then the guy, the criminal's like, well...
Stop, I'm a regular guy.
And he's like, okay.
I don't give a fuck.
And then you pull out the...
then you pull out the nunchucks, and he's like, oh, shit.
Oh, a regular guy.
I didn't hear the capital letters in it.
Yeah.
He goes, so what, I don't care about a regular get shiriken right in his head.
Yeah.
Spin kick.
Yeah.
Okay, I guess I'll stop jumping the turnstile.
You put a shirrican in my head.
Resist, arrest, guy.
Let you arrest, arrested, arrested.
Okay, so arrest are.
You're not.
spelling it right.
I think I spelled it correctly.
I don't think so.
I think that was the right words.
What about the regular jaguars?
Okay.
Because that has like a second syllable around.
Regular jaguar jaguar.
What about the jackass defense force?
J.D.F.
What about the prick destroyers?
Yeah.
The ballsack drainers.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
We're the thing eliminators.
The obliterators.
Dick obliterator with our ass and we're obliterating dicks
Yeah
Dicks are a huge problem
Criminal cocksuckers
Well we're not criminals, don't say that
What about the upstanding cocksuckers?
We can do it standing up, she
Oh my God
Meal before the upstanding cock suckers
What the fucker?
That's what we could say that
The fuckers
The fuckers
What about the
Evil penis
Yeah
Deval wean
Deval weaners
What about the NYPD
What do we just
Let them solve this
I don't think they're on the case
Like we are
They're busy with
With Battle Island
I want to stop these
They're on special assignment
Yeah
I really want to stop
These guys who jump the turnstiles
They need to be stopped
Yeah
I don't like it
That is a despicable crime
I mean and think about it
When you go over the turnstile
What touches the turnstile
either your butt or your wiener.
Yeah, and then I'm over there.
And then respectable guys like me,
who push the turnstile with both my hands
and then lick my hands to get better grip
when I'm trying to push the turnstile.
Listen, I've put on a few pounds.
Sometimes I get stuck in the turnstile.
I've got to lube myself up with my spit
by licking every fucking inch of the thing
to get out of that.
And what's on there?
A criminal's fleas.
Great.
Now it's a criminal...
Now it's 15 different criminals nuts sacks
and I can't tell which one's which.
Poop crumbs out a criminal's rectum.
Yeah, awesome.
This is the greatest city on earth.
Oh, my God.
It's out of everyone's wreck.
You know who'd be really disappointed?
No, that's the thing.
You don't, your rectum
but it won't touch the turnstile
if you're not pressing up against it,
putting your weight on it
as you vault over it
like some kind of evil Olympian.
Remember that guy that died hopping the turnstile?
His foot got clipped
and then he just like fell.
Yeah, instant karma much.
Yeah, the Darwin Awards much.
Yep.
Yep.
You go in the Darwin Awards.
This guy is so low IQ,
he thought he could jump over a turnstile.
I'll start the Prickhead Awards.
The best...
for the most
The dead dickhead awards
The most annoying assholes I've ever seen
Doing
Winner number one with a short terrorist
Doing Darwin awards
God like
Yeah the dead
Asshole awards
It's just like
The dead idiot
It's all just kids
That's already what it is
It's so funny
It's just like
It's usually like dads
Who like were trying to deep fry a turkey
But if you did like
A kid with leukemia
This fucking
asshole
Used our tax dollars
For his make a wish
thing. I did, I had, I had the, uh, uh, Darwin, I, the Darwin awards book was in my like
classroom. Oh yeah. And like middle school and I read some of it. And there definitely were a bunch
in there. They're like, this 18 year old kid like had tried to have sex by the side of the road and
you got run over by a car. What an idiot. Yeah, it's just a thousand ways to die. Yeah.
They should call it a thousand ways to die and keep the Darwin awards for animals that evolved into
something cool. The good part of the Darwin Awards is like a razor. It's not just,
The one good thing about it is that it's not like just ways people die.
They also count it if you accidentally cut off your wiener.
They're a bunch of good accidentally cutting off wiener stories.
This is a man cheated on his wife.
This man cheated on his wife and his crazy wife Lorena.
What is that?
We're getting an alert.
Avoid the area of third Ave to fifth Ave from 20th to 40th Street in Brooklyn.
Emergency personnel are on scene of an active police incident
And have stabilized the area
Okay
All right, dude, that was a scary-ass noise
That was really scary
Wow
I thought I was like, well, it's over
Yeah, that was...
At first I thought that was coming from the timer
Me too, yeah
The timer's made enough weird noises
Yeah
The timer's beeped at us enough
Oh
Well, that woke me up
Yeah
Yeah
I wish it was a nuclear attack though, no cap
Yeah
Damn
Alright
Do you guys want to go there?
Yeah, okay
Yeah, let's go there
Let's clean
Let's mop this up
Stand back, boys
We got it boys
We're actually the
We're the asshole fuckers
From the subway
Yep
Holding a medal
I got a prickhead award
To give out
Where is this fucking
Piece of dog crap
Who's the dumbest guy
That died today
We gotta give Darwin awards
for everybody who was on their phone
when they got shot in the head.
Probably some people wearing
freaking AirPods.
I didn't even hear it.
Do you guys, wait.
Oh, my God.
I just smiled thinking
that maybe a hipster died today.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God.
Do you think a hipster was probably
drinking a cup of coffee?
And then he got his head blown off
with a shotgun.
Yeah, his head probably got shot.
Didn't fly off
because held on by his damn scarf.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
His head's held on for infinity
because of the damn scarf.
Yeah, infinity scarf.
Yeah.
Yeah, probably his glasses, frames are so thick, it repelled the bullet that headed towards
his eye like Superman and he survived to annoy another man.
Yep, yep, I'll live to annoy another day.
Yeah.
Yep.
To complain another day about my avocado toast, not having enough to have.
Probably, like, five layers of flannel and it's like Kevlar.
Yeah, it's probably on his way to Aeroon to get a $15 soda.
Yeah, Bevlar, like a Starbucks latte and a glass bottle.
What's the lar?
What's the lar?
Like Kevlar.
That's LAR.
His name's Lars.
He's probably drinking his bulletproof coffee.
Yep.
Yeah.
That's right.
I think hamsters would drink bulletproof coffee.
I think that's a good American brand run by Patriots.
It's not a brand.
Yeah, it is.
No, you're thinking of the other coffee.
What?
Black rifle.
Yeah.
Bulletproof is just you put butter in it instead of cream.
That makes it bulletproof to do that?
Supposedly.
So says the men online.
Yeah, we got to call some of the people in that area.
Let them know.
Let's make it.
Let's make a call.
Call.
Called Eric.
Oh, you know why all this crime is happening?
Because Eric Adams got COVID.
All right.
Call Eric Adams.
Third F, three.
All right, wait.
I'm going to call third Ave real quick.
What the hell?
Dude, maybe I didn't pay my bill this month.
There it is.
Oh, shit, I'm going to call.
You get any call?
Do they need us?
Oh, my God, it's the assailant.
Please.
Oh, my God, he said that.
He's eating the corpses.
Oh, my God, he's a lunatic.
That's chilling.
I'm pressing redial.
Yeah, we need a...
Let's record this.
Two puppy biscuits.
Two puppy biscuits.
He said he wants two puppy biscuits, or the attacks will continue.
Oh, God, that's disgusting.
He killed someone.
They're sexually motivated.
Oh, I'm getting another phone call.
Oh, who is it?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Five
We have
There's five more attacks left
Oh five butterflies
Oh that's a...
Oh, okay
You said you have to use
You said you have to use a butterfly effect to stop it
Shit, we got to go back in time
Press 1998
Okay
No, that's too far back
I actually went to one
Oh my God
what's he going to say
stop that
you're nasty
you're nasty
we're going to get you
sick
the devil's umper
oh my god
six hats
what's that noise
that's him counting that
guys I'm scared
all right this guy's weird
I don't like him
you'll take of this weird guy
we'll leave
we'll let him do his thing
yeah that's fine
all right we have a
list today.
Finally.
Who,
you said someone
said this?
Max in the
Discord sent this.
Thank you Max.
Thank you Max.
Thank you, Max.
The top ten
worst toys of all time.
Oh,
the top tens.
I don't want to read this.
Yeah, let's just skip it.
This sounds like it's probably
some bullshit.
Sounds biased.
Yeah.
Yeah, who you called
the killer back?
Yeah, hold on.
What he's up to?
You know, one of the worst toys
ever is the killer phone.
Scout.
Officer, we have his name.
It's Scout.
His name is Scout.
He is a dog.
He hangs out with a frog.
I have information.
That could lead to the killer's arrest.
He's a dog named Scout, and he's trapped in this phone.
Yes, he hangs out with a leapfrog.
He loves counting hats and butterflies.
And he says goodbye.
He says goodbye.
He's very polite.
All right, I'm off the phone with Scout.
Okay.
All right. Well, Scout, that's good information.
That, when that comes out, that, that, that, they'll have already caught him by the time this comes out.
Everybody, by the time this comes out, they'll know we knew first.
They all know that it was Scout. They all know that they, they raided his house.
They found, they found over five hats, over six butterflies.
It's 10 to, it's 10.59 a.m. on Tuesday, April 12, uh, 2022.
So you know.
Just like, it's like a off the streets this week, like table.
Like five hats, six butterflies, two apples, nine apples.
nine caterpillars
That's so stupid
And one big gift
I love a big gift
One gun
All right
And a bazooka
Yeah
Number one worst toy of all time
Is doggie-do board game
I'm gonna have to agree
Because I've never even heard of this game game game game
Sibling is FaceTiming me.
Hold up.
That's a decline.
One second.
Okay.
Doggy-do board game.
What would even be the point of a doggy-do board game?
Yeah, that doesn't sound fun.
What kind of...
Does a dog just poop out a bone?
Dogs poop out...
Well, dog poop is, like, closest to, I heard, like, cat poop.
You heard.
You tasted, you mean?
I heard it tastes almost identical to dog.
turds.
When I hear...
Tards and poop
are similar.
Yeah.
In some...
I never thought of that.
It's similar.
I didn't say they're the same.
No, you're right.
Now, that's what a lot of people will...
There's definitely a lot of parallels between turns and poop.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But some perpendiculars.
The Venn diagram...
But do is a lot different.
True.
Do is completely different.
But the Venn diagram of turds, poop, and do...
Where do you think...
Like, how much overlap is there, do you think?
Scooby.
Scooby would be just due only.
That's only dude.
There's no Scooby turds.
There's no...
Oh, you haven't...
Oh, he...
Okay.
Yeah, he does.
Okay.
All right.
We won't talk about that today.
We have a four...
We have a four-quadrant Venn diagram, okay?
Okay.
It's...
Do we want to draw this out?
Yeah.
Okay.
Melvin?
No, listen.
Melvin, do.
It's...
You're adding things into the circles already.
What do we say?
It's turds, poop.
Do and crap and snacks.
Snacks.
Snacks.
Snacks.
Yeah.
Snacks.
Snacks.
Mm-hmm.
Snacks.
Okay.
And then overlap.
So, wait.
How do you do a four Venn diagram?
Well, you got to figure out what's in it first, and then you draw the overlaps.
So we're doing...
That's not how you draw a Venn diagram.
Do you know what a Venn diagram is?
Yeah, but we don't know how much overlap is between the different circles.
This is more of like a compass.
A Venn diagram can have three.
To do a four one, you'd have to go around.
Nope, this is what we're doing.
See?
Look at that.
Okay, so between do and snacks, you have Scooby.
Okay, but this can't be, this isn't, this doesn't work as a Venn diagram because
these two, the two ones opposite each other, they don't, what if these two share something
that these two don't have, you can't put it in there?
They don't.
A four-sided Venn diagram, it doesn't work like that.
They don't have anything to get in common.
It's too small, too.
How am I going to write anything in this one?
There's more, I think you did it.
That was a proof of concept.
I think we do a three one, I don't think we have snacks in there.
I don't think snacks really enter into it.
I think you just wanted to add snacks.
to you're hungry.
No, but we can put like
chips and stuff in there.
All right.
So, you know, here's how it works.
Let me see.
So,
proof of a concept here.
So it's more like this.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.
That's a three...
No, no, no, no.
Yeah.
Actually, let's put...
And then there's one big one.
And this Vind diagram is everything.
Let me show you said,
no.
Hey, you haven't even let me draw a single Venn diagram
yet.
Don't use that on here.
Don't use that on here.
use that on here.
I'm taking it away. You guys lost their privilege.
But I want to diagram some shit.
Me and Kay will use this one. You don't get anything.
Here's what I'm envisioning.
Yep.
Oh, I'm having so much fun making our Venn diagram over here.
It's not a Venn diagram.
And that's my N.C.
And that's his penis.
No, that's a Venn diagram.
No, that's my penis.
So, yeah, and this one, I'd say turds go right here.
Turts go in his penis?
Yeah, definitely.
Because he's been pushing the turds with his wiener so much.
what are you doing
I'm writing it down
I'm writing it down
you're not writing anything
this is the four way
Venn diagram
okay here's what
here's how
here's how I think
that vent diagram should look
okay
so you start off
there's four
there's four
okay there's four right here
right
look guys
and then each of these
can share
with each other like this
and then maybe we have one
that's like this
and then like that
and then this way
there's a different
intersections
between all of them
all of them
all right
that looks like
that's a bunch of
gobbledy
is right in
is this what science
is about these days
so maybe we start
with like a big
big circle
big circle
so this is like
the one
where everything
is most similar to
okay cool
right
and then just two
here
two little ones
at the bottom
and then one
that kind of like
and then a longer one
yeah
And then these two here, this is, this is just stuff that's similar to this one.
And then that's how they connect.
And then there's also, there's a connection here.
And that's the Squidward diagram.
Oh, that does look like Squidward.
It looks like a lot like Squidward.
And I think we'll put turds up here.
And we can leave the other ones open.
Yeah, all right.
That looks pretty good then.
It looks just like Squidward, where he has turds in his brain.
I think we figured it out.
Doggy-Doo board game.
It's a Squidward-style game.
What obsession do people have with dogs doing their business?
There are way too many movies, books, games, and toys about dog poop and me.
Seriously, Doggy Do?
What movie is about dog-poo?
I can't think about a dog-poop movie or book.
Seriously, Doggy Do, you have to collect dog crap?
What kind of game is that?
Why would anyone want to collect dog crap in the first place?
Plus, the get a life and rub the whale thing were kind of funny.
I'm out. This game is crap.
This is a real game.
This is one of those.
This is one of those.
Sharks.
I have a board game that will revolutionize
the way that kids think about poop.
This is one of those games
that is recommended for two-year-old boys.
It makes disgusting noises
when the poop is about to come out.
And yes, the poop can be red.
And then once it's dropped the poop,
it eats it again.
Okay.
This is probably teaching kids
that if you want a pet puppy,
you're going to be the one
that cleans its dot, dot, dot, dot.
I need to see the dog.
Where does droppings factor in?
I don't know.
Is there droppings in this?
I thought it's a do game.
It said it clean, it's droppings.
I got to look at Doggy Dooboard game.
See if this is a real game.
Because if I drop my goldfish snacks on the floor, that's droppings too.
Yeah, that's not poo.
That's the overlap of snacks.
Oh, God.
It's a real goddamn game.
Oh, no.
What's wrong with this generation?
You're saying that like you're upset.
Yeah, I am upset.
Let me see it.
When you got to go, you got to go?
That's the tag.
Oh, nasty.
The dog is broken.
Why is there, there's a bee running away from his green noxious fart?
Wait, they have dog.
They have doggy-do corgi.
They have one for different dogs.
Oh, God Almighty, this is disgusting.
What the fuck?
And look at this.
This one's called Don't Step in it.
This guy's about to step in a piece of shit.
What kind of fucking board games?
I mean, yeah, we went from, we went from legitimate business monopoly.
Yep.
To shit like this.
Now we get Joe Brandon in office.
All of a sudden we got dog shit board games.
Yeah, it's like, okay, teach a kid to play with dog poo all day, yeah.
And then, look, they got soggy doggy.
That's just not right.
They got balls on it.
He's going to smell like fucking crap.
That's the tagline?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He smells like wet crap.
Number two, worst toy of all time is baby wee-wee.
Yeah, that's not a toy.
I'm going to, all right, I'm going to look this one up too.
Okay, well, this is?
Let me use Patrick's son.
Hmm.
You might want to...
Hmm, it's a purple link.
Interesting.
This is so inappropriate, yet it's for four-year-olds.
First, they have boy parts and girl parts.
You have to pull their pants down and see them.
What?
Whoa.
You pull down the baby's shorts and you just see his fucking penis, and he pees all over the place?
Baby wee-wee-wee.
What are you doing, man?
How do you get the pee into the baby?
You get a, you're like, that much suck being a parent having to like load pee into a baby like that.
I wish I was built like this.
Oh my God.
What?
That's so scary.
Oh, my God.
Listen to this, listen to this comment.
I was at a summer daycare, don't ask.
And the door to our classroom was locked so we had to wait in the preschool room.
My younger sister saw a box full of dolls and started rummaging through it.
There were about six baby wee dolls naked.
She screamed and I came to see what was going on
I was so disgusted that I hid the behind a shelf
And get this, I'm a girl
And four of those stupid dolls were boys
Wow
Interesting, but no one cares which gender you are
True
Yeah, that's facts
Oh my God, dude
This is the weirdest day ever
I just got a text
Phil, my dog, all his teeth are falling out
He's like losing all his baby teeth at the same time
Wow
This is an awesome day
One doll is similar to this junk
Is this day's...
I'm half a sleep.
Something is going to...
Dude, baby...
Apparently there's a doll that has a fucking baby cock on it.
I didn't get to finish his comment.
One doll is similar to this junk and it has a moving wee-wee.
No.
I'm thinking about it right now and I feel sick just thinking about it.
Sue that company.
Actually seriously gross.
Who wants a plastic penis spraying wee?
I think the inventor needs to go to a mental asylum.
Who puts a penis on a doll?
Are you kidding me?
Someone says, I'm sure some little girls played with this dirty.
Oh, come on the hell.
Very inappropriate.
Yes, it got banned.
It joined lawn darts, cabbage patch kids, and other band toys.
Cabbage Patch Kids are, what?
Oh, I have huge news for you guys.
I don't know if you noticed this.
I completely missed this.
It happened last year in November 2021, a big toys news.
I don't know if you guys are familiar with the Toy Hall of Fame.
but um alongside american girl in cleveland alongside american girl dolls uh sand was just inducted
into the toy hall of sand sand yeah wow fed the beach just sand holy shit that's huge look if you search
toy hall of fame sand like what would you already search before well yeah i mean i see here
the toy hall of the strong museum sand inducted into the toy hall of fame it's where the it's where the
I mean, that's, we've been, listen,
Sand's been around a long time.
Listen to this quote from the museum curator.
I mean, they found sand in the moon.
Sand has a global reach that most toy manufacturers would envy.
It's been a vehicle for play since prehistory,
and anyone who has spent the day at the beach can understand the allure of this toy.
See, that's the thing, though, if it's, like, sand is obviously a legend, right?
So why has it been so long?
Like, why now?
You know what I mean?
I mean, you know, it's going in with Fisher Price corn pepper.
Yeah, well, listen to this.
These are the other finalists for the Toy Hall of Fame.
Battleship, billiards, cabbage patch kids, Fisher Price corn popper, Mazong, Masters of the Universe,
the Pinata, Settlers of Catan, and the Toy Fire.
What is the Fisher Price Corn Popper?
Imagine being the nerd-ass creator of Settlers of Catan and going up against sand.
And being like finding out my best toy of all time has to compete against sand.
Yeah. You're the person who made Sain.
Sand is going to, sand, I don't know how sand. That's what I mean.
like what other things are in like if you're doing toys you it's got to be all stuff like sand
and dirt for the first like hundred years definitely oh before you even get to fucking yeah the
fisher price corn popper that's a yeah is that is that's a goaded toy is that the pusher yeah
oh that is that is that is one that is that is that might give sand to run for its money that might
be the best toy of all time the corn popper i don't know it was called that dude i i i could
do that i i would honestly have fun with that right now they should make adult size corn
yeah yeah yeah like a dyson corn popper
that kid's having the time of his life
look at this male model
he's doing it
this guy
calling any person
any person is in like a toy commercial
like something like that's like
yeah he's just don't see all these freaking male model
great yeah look he's sucking his cheeks in he's not even that skinny
oh look at this freaking male model it
I bet he's brainless.
Dude, what is happening today?
You just spit up and then hit his microphone against the table.
I know, dude.
This is the weirdest day ever, dude.
My dog's teeth are falling out.
Patrick saw a picture of a baby and had an attack.
There's somebody throwing...
The Riddler is on the subway.
No, just the idea of calling any, like, person a male model.
Like, the fucking, like, like, you ever see those, like, stock photos of, like, the fat guys eating wings?
Like, oh, look at these fucking, I hate society's expectations.
I have to compete with all these fucking male models.
Look at these beauty standards.
I'm supposed to look like this.
They want me to look like this.
Yeah.
Stock photo.
Yeah.
Transylvanian vampire.
Guy in wheelchair.
Vampire in grocery store.
Great.
They want me to be in a wheelchair.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
I'm sick of these fucking male models, dude.
Well, that's the thing about, yeah, now that we have, you know, models of all sizes and stuff,
I'm just going to be confused about what I should look like.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It used to be, you know what you're supposed to look like,
and you're supposed to look like you do heroin and wear black leather.
Am I supposed to be, fat, am I supposed to be, am I supposed to even have legs?
Should I be chopping my legs off?
Oh, it's like a guy in, like, husky, like.
guy in like big like husky jeans and he's holding like a beerstein it's just like oh great
another fucking male model i have to look like real life homer
number three is shopkins i don't know this i don't either i know what they look like
the top comment here as an axe to grind about about shopkins shopkins look like little it's like
it's like the little food that has eyes and stuff okay what so here's a little
Here's this comment.
Wait, what now?
Here's this comment here.
They are very different to Moshi Monsters figures, and I will explain it to you.
One, Moshi Monsters' characters only has like five food characters.
Two, Moshi Monsters' characters are mostly animals with clothing or references to famous singers, etc.
Broccoli Spears, Brittany Spear.
Six.
Shopkins are all food.
All of them.
Not just five.
And they can go on top of your pencils or pens.
Moshi monsters don't do that.
And clearly, a child must be stupid if it happens to choke on one.
These aren't bad toys.
Problem solved.
See, a shopkin, a shopkin, you get, like, you get the, you get the food it's supposed to be,
and then the little character next to it.
Okay.
So, this is an eraser?
So, I think.
That's what it says here.
I like throwing it.
I like that they spend the whole comment being, like,
Shopkins are not a rip-off of motiony monsters, and they just sneak in.
If a child chokes on a toy, it's stupid.
Yeah.
See, they've got a kid's cuisine with eyes right there.
Whoa.
Okay, that's actually kind of awesome.
Shopkins can seem like a tight toy, yeah.
Might actually be cool.
We might need to get some shopkins.
See, I'm more into just having the tiny food.
I'd rather have big food.
I like the characters.
I want proportionate, like, big food as if, like, the food we have right now is the small food.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, maybe, like, a room size.
It has to be pretty big, yeah.
Can you imagine sitting down eating one giant cornflake for dinner?
Oh, my God.
Look, they got big shopkins.
That pringle, well, that's not a full-sized pringles can, but it looks enough like one.
Also, the ready-wipped, it doesn't even have the food in it, dude.
I don't give a fuck about the packaging, you know?
Your style over substance.
You don't even want the food.
No.
I'd rather have the little version, like a tiny Dr. Pepper can.
I bet you're one of these fuckers who watches a lady make a tiny hamburger.
Probably.
On a small pan.
Oh, my.
my god i used to watch those before bed oh my no what i've been watching before bed you know
you're poisoning your mind you're supposed to learn french before bed yeah you know what i have
been watching there's this guy ben de grow mm-hmm he does reviews of bend over he does
does reviews of skateboard trucks i've been watching those before bed really and it's so
soothing he's canadian he's like the turning of this truck is actually pretty pretty similar to a
That sounds like the least soothing voice I've ever heard.
What about your perfect life means that you need to be soothed before you go to bed?
I can't sleep.
That's why I'm tired of.
You can't sleep so you look at your phone in bed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You still watch a...
You have to read.
You have to expand your intellect.
That's how you fall asleep.
Dude, throwing on, throwing on binging with Babish chefs Cubano's before bed.
So I keep you up all night.
You're going to be thinking about...
You're going to be thinking about the food.
I have a beautiful dream about eating a chef coop.
You can barely fucking fall asleep because your lips are so wet.
I'm meeting John Favreau's Cubano, and I'm married to Sophia Bergera.
Her name is, no.
You're not.
I'm the one who likes chef.
I'm the chef.
You're not the guy who likes chef.
How many fucking times?
No, you're not.
You're the guy who kind of likes chef.
No.
How many times you've seen chef?
Probably like 15 times.
Lie.
That is a lie.
You're just lying.
No, not.
You're lying.
I've seen chef 15 times.
That is such a fucking lie.
That is bold of you.
Mm-mm.
You disgust me.
I've seen chef 15 times.
You don't even have, you don't even understand what it's like to have divorced parents.
No, but I...
You watch that movie, you go, oh, it's about sandwiches.
Fuck you.
Yeah, it's about sandwiches.
No, it's not.
It's about Cubano.
It's about pasta al-Ilo.
It's for boys like me who have a fat dad and a hot Latino mom, and we, and that's, like, the struggle of our lives.
No, the struggle is he needs to go back to his roots.
And make sandwiches out of a truck.
No, it's like no country for old men.
It's not about chef.
It's about the son.
It's a, well, the son plays TF2.
And I remember that.
Guess what I played when I was a kid.
Kick the ball.
Played kick the ball.
Yeah.
Is that different from kickball?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Way different.
It's you're by yourself.
You know why I was by myself?
Dad was out on the food truck.
Serving hot dogs and hamburgers.
He doesn't serve hot dogs and hamburgs on the food truck.
I want a hot dog.
I was saying, I want to, like, just a backyard cookout hamburger and hot dog so bad.
We could do it.
We could do a burger fest.
Who has the closest, who has the closest, thing to a backyard?
The office.
Oh, yeah, we do, bro.
What are we doing, man?
We have a burger fist in the backyard.
We get a little shitty grill.
Yeah.
I was like, I want, I need it so bad.
All right, let's have a burger fest, fine.
Can you guys, hey, twist my arm more.
Let's have a burger fest.
My God, I can't wait.
All right, let's do it in one second.
Okay.
All right.
Pause the show.
Beep.
That's the pause noise.
Okay.
Now it pauses.
Okay.
Beep.
The unpause.
Oh, I had too many burgers and too much beer.
I got so fucked up at Burger Fest.
I had just the right amount.
We were out there in the desert for four days.
I'm not too full at all.
Who is your favorite act at Burger Fest?
The lettuce was honestly underrated to me.
Dude, you know what?
This is going to be kind of a, it was a sleeper.
The mustard.
Yeah.
For me, it's the peanut butter noodles.
What? This motherfucker
You guys didn't have any of this?
Oh, this motherfucker.
It's not a burger fest without peanut butter noodles.
We got a badass over here.
Okay, but second choice, my napkin.
You're the only person who sits there.
Nobody put their gum there.
It's not gum.
What is it?
It's a sticky.
It's a sticky.
It's a sticky, and I definitely put it
Yeah, you put it there. Yeah. I got so mad for a second. I was like, did fucking Joe and Alex sit here and put their gum? And put their gum all over our shit. And then realized, no, it was me. And I put this here for later. And what was it? It's a sticky. It's a sticky. I can rub my, I can rub between my fingers so I can pay attention to things.
Yeah, that's your sticky. And we're going to write your name on it so you don't forget next time. Okay. Number four is Furby Boom.
Furby Boom. I'd love to see a Furby go boom.
and put an M-80 in its mouth.
Yep.
Yep, yep, yeah.
That's right.
Yeah, with how fat and ugly a Furby is,
you might need an M-90.
Yeah, or maybe M-192.
Yeah, dude, I'm fucking...
I put an M-83 in it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that'd be going like...
Put an MTV in it.
Yeah.
Yep, MTV.
Video killed the radio star.
Yeah, and now they don't even play...
Music videos.
A music video on the news.
Hey, Rob Deirdick's fucking
Pussy.
You know what's ridiculousness?
The fact that they don't play music videos.
Yeah, Rob Deerick's Fantasy Factory.
I always said I worked in a fantasy factory
and we watched music videos, but it's not.
Oh, Rob, Big and Black, what's the show called?
Rob and Big.
Yeah, what if I wanted to watch Rob...
Well, they had music on there.
Oh, true.
He had Bobby Light.
Bobby Light would sing.
Here's a sub list under Furby Boom.
Okay.
This is, um, these are,
are annoying in many ways. I'll give you 10 reasons. What is a Furby boom? I think it's a type of Furby.
That explodes. One, they never shut up. Two, they're too gassy. Three, they don't have an on-off switch.
So they wake up at any sudden movement and they turn off at any time. Four, they say blah, blah, blah, which is rude. Five, they make all kinds of annoying sounds. Six, they have different personalities that are annoying. Seven, they speak some Furby language. Eight, newer versions have gone downhill. Nine, they do whatever they want. Ten, it takes.
It takes long to change the personality depending on what it is.
I can probably come up with more, but this is all I got right now.
Do you remember, speaking of, it wasn't a Furby, but they were like those, like, toys and they were, like, speakers.
It's like a toy speaker that you could play music on, but it, like, it had, like, a face and, like, a little speaker for her mouth.
You ever know anyone who had those, the thing, the video now, where it would just play, like, the shittiest version of a nickel.
And then video now somehow, like, licensed something through Game Boy, like, Nintendo.
And then they had the video now cartridges, and you could watch, like, a Pokemon episode in, like, 180p.
On your Nintendo?
On your Game Boy, which was, like, the worst thing ever because, like, the Game Boy screen, you'd had to, like, sit under the sun.
That's sick.
Yeah.
I watched that.
You had to sit under the Sun.
Jodo Photo Finish, the Pokemon episode.
Joe photos.
Oh, yeah.
Joto.
That region.
went hard.
Yeah, dude.
What region are you from?
Shino.
Nice.
That's what Cameron's from.
He's from Shino.
I'm from ghetto.
I'm from the ghetto region.
Here's a comment on Furby Boom.
This thing turns evil and starts chanting voodoo.
Once you turn it on, it won't stop babbling for like three hours.
The only way to put it to sleep automatically is to pull its tail for 10 seconds, but it wakes up so easily with any sudden movement.
My sister's Furby went to sleep and never woke up.
uh Barbie yeah we get a number five yeah what else was in bathing suits on it so there was
they were called a zizzle what was
the thing i was an imaginary friend he had oh they were called a zizzle they were called
the zizzle the imaginary aliens oh i remember those oh i remember that shit yeah
remember those the little robot dogs they'd do a backflip the i dog and you go dog yeah go dog yeah
Mm-hmm.
Do the eye dog and then the...
And that damn purple ketchup?
Yep.
Or her?
Low-key, it tasted different, like grapes.
Tastes like Shrek swamp.
Mm-hmm.
Tastes like Shrek Shlamp.
It tastes like Shrek Shump.
That's right.
It tastes like sex swamp.
Number five is Barbie.
I hate Barbie so much and I hate Mattel.
I want to ban Barbie and burn them in a big bonfire.
Barbie is a bad example for young children,
teaching them to not eat and care about their looks 24-7.
I guess Barbie doesn't eat.
It's a really good point.
It teaches them to have a perfect figure out for her.
It doesn't eat.
Barbie is so unrealistic and so stupid, yet so darn popular.
Why?
Mattel makes a walk-and-potty pup.
What is with this world and stupid doggie doo-do toys?
The reason above is perfect.
They also make Barbie with private girl parts,
and you're supposed to address them and dress them up again.
Where even could I find something like this?
Who wants to stumble upon a naked Barbie doll?
These dolls and lots of other dolls are so inappropriate,
and they should be banned.
Barbie can go right down and shoot
And so can Mattel
Barbie is a hoe
Let's be real
Barbie's a hoish-ass bitch
You know
And Ken deserves better
Ken deserves better
Did you see
Did you see
There was supposed to be a Barbie movie
starring Amish Schumer
Really?
Yeah
Well she looks just like her
Yeah
She's the most gorgeous woman of all time
Yep
But she dropped out for creative differences
I think there is a huge
declaring creative difference.
Yeah.
She was too gorgeous, too much.
I didn't, no, I didn't say this.
I just read this on my phone.
But apparently when she was in the movie, it was called Carby.
I didn't, that wasn't, that doesn't come from me.
That's from, that's from, the Barbie Report News.com.
I just got a notification.
Okay, so.
Amy Schumer reportedly leaving the set of Barbie after creative differences.
Schumer claims, I wanted to have four wheels but flesh
and roll around like I was a car.
This comes only days after she was traumatized
by the slap at the Oscars, where she said,
I need one million hamburgers to quell my rage.
She said, give me a Win Dixie.
A Winxie Grocery bag full of groceries to the VIP session.
Yeah.
I heard she, well, yeah, I heard this again.
Yeah.
I heard that she walked into the audition by accident
because she thought it was barbecue.
And that's from the top.
That's come straight from the tour.
That's from the director of Quentin Tarantino.
That's from directing the Barbie movie.
Oh, man.
She is fat.
What are you talking about?
She's so beautiful.
Pee and poo plush toys.
Pee and poo.
My cousins have a plush pee toy.
No joke.
I didn't know they made P and Poo plush toys.
I thought that like...
When I take a pee, that shit is plush.
They had that show.
They had that show.
Pee and Pee and Poo had that show.
They had that show.
That's a really good show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pee and poop.
Peegin and poop.
Pea again.
Yep.
Pee again, then poop.
Pee again and poop.
Yep.
Yeah.
Number seven, breastfeeding baby doll.
Breastfeeding.
I like the breastfeeding.
The first half, you get you have me in the first half.
Yeah.
But in the second half, it actually is the word baby in it.
Yeah.
Disgusting.
Yeah.
Like, okay.
Are you supposed, as a kid, are you supposed to put this fucking baby on your, on your
nipple?
Here's how it goes like, it's like, breast.
Okay.
Does it come with the breast?
Feeding.
All right.
Yep.
I'm with you.
Baby.
Huh?
Dahl.
No!
No, thank you.
That's a girl thing.
That's basically, yeah.
Baby and doll.
Okay, breast and feeding.
Those are two boyfriend, boyfriend things.
Baby and doll, two girl things.
Yeah.
You don't like it.
I was born five.
Skip baby.
You were born five?
Yeah, I was in the baby.
Yeah.
What the?
That's not true.
It's true.
I, yeah, I came out of my mom, five.
I was full head of hair.
I was in there.
I mean, I was in there for five.
Five.
years full
full term
I wasn't
they were giving me
cakes in there
what birthday
I had birthdays
you blow candles
out of your
out of your
mom's snatch
yeah
I came our belly
button don't be nasty
sorry
that's my bad
yeah I went back in
at six
I came out nine
I think we should get
a zizzle for the office
I'm thinking about
I'm thinking about
going back in
cooking a little longer
come back in for six
and come out for nine
yeah
I'm preparing for a roll
I'm jumping back in
there. Yeah, I just need one year out because I need
to like do some things. I need a sabbatical. Yeah. I'm hopping back
in on my mom. I'm going to try my dad next. I need to crack a window.
Mm-hmm. We should install a window on our moms and jump back in them.
No. Yeah. I think I like my life out here. No, but remember inside though?
Inside was fire. I got pretty much bullied all the time when I was really inside.
Y'all remember, y'all remember that song that I always played? It was like,
I love that song. And then every once in one,
you'd have like like you'd hear your dad say I'm gonna kill you and you get out of
there yeah that'd be awesome yeah yeah I actually like outside because when I was in there
basically the world was a vampire when I was in there everything was mad red it was fucking
sick yeah everything's just red just pulsating all the time you know yeah I'm just doing I'm just
in there doing back flips and shit yeah my parents would be like will you move out I just kept
trying to my mom was eating like the food that I had to eat in there was disgusting my mom was
eating fucking
should get a chicken
parm sub with mayo and pickles
plus it had that string
you can just tangle yourself up then
I was feasting on the placenta
though
Mm-hmm that thing was
Oh my god
That thing was hitting different
What's the thing people do
Women get their placentas out
And they eat them
Getting the munchies and then
Munching on that afterbirth was just
That was like
Oh it was so midnight munchies
Oh my god
Banging on the wum
Yeah
Yo send some food down bitch
and a cigarette.
Smoke a sig.
Oh, my God.
I bet my mom wanted to smoke a cigarette so bad when she was pregnant with me.
I bet she did.
I bet my mom smoked cigarettes with me in there.
Yeah, I bet she did.
That's why I got ADHD.
Yep.
My mom smoked cigarettes.
Yeah.
All right.
Yep, my mom actually smoked cigarettes.
This is real when she was pregnant with me.
Did she?
It's fine.
That's right, mom.
That's right, mom.
I'm telling everyone you smoke.
smoked stigs with me in there.
It's going to be so hard.
I'm going to find a picture of you pregnant and I'm going to Photoshop a cigarette into your
hand.
We're photoshop the cigarette out of her hand and then back in it.
Put it in her other hand.
So here's a...
Two cigarettes in each hand.
Number eight is Aquedots.
Top comment is, watch out parents.
The next tiny ball you might buy for your children could include date rape.
And the comment after that, which is a nice follow up to that too.
So this toy includes date rape.
I just toy include date rape.
It just says that.
Aqued dots should have been for ages eight and up.
up and set it four and up.
I mean, I agree based on that first comment.
I don't know anything about the thing.
Yeah. Number nine is Kinder Surprise.
Dangerous.
Oh, the eggs?
Yeah.
Dangerous.
They're good, but they're dangerous.
You can't have Kinder eggs in the stage.
Number 10 is, I didn't know this was a toy, Hitler doll.
And the only comment is, idiots make dolls on everything.
It's true.
Yeah.
All right.
That's that.
Yeah.
Swagpoot.com.
Slides shows.
Unless we're dead from the short attack.
Yeah, unless the short, the short defender has killed all of us.
Again, right now, it is 11.35 a.m. Tuesday, April 12th, 2020, if this is our final thing, you know exactly when it happened.
It's been nice to know you guys.
Yeah, I mean, I've had a lot of fun.
And we're headed to downtown Brooklyn.
Well, yeah, we got to go, remember, we've got to go catch the train.
We got to smell that gas.
We've got to go to the zoomies.
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
The zoomies by Burrow Hall.
Yeah.
All right.
Bye.