Podcast About List - Ep. 205 - Mommy’s Gone 2

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Mommy boo bee bee do bee   https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist https://www.swagpoop.com/

Come in, come there, come in, and me see your butt. All right. Downs to the mom list. Every crap monster. Okay. Okay. All right. No mommy.

I think we got it to work. Oh, my God, dude. No mommy. I think we have no. Mommy's gone, too. Mommy's completely gone. Mommy's out of town. And it doesn't matter where she went.

I don't care if she's with other boys and being just completely out of town with other boys. Because she's not here. The important thing is, the two kids and brothers, you and me, actually learned how to press all the buttons and start all the things. We learned how to do the recorder, and we learned how to do the... I guarantee you that somebody's listening to this right now, and it's just completely... Yeah. Well, you have the headphones on. Yeah, but I have bad hearing, because I actually have ears.

Why didn't you let me do that? I had bad hearing. I had an ear infection when I was nine years old. Really? Yeah, every time I open my mouth, I hear four pops. Oh. Yeah. I hear I have TMJ

I have TMJ That's what the doctor said If I just didn't know if you knew what TMJ was If I click my If you click your jaw I can hear yours That's weird That's not what I have

Yeah I've definitely done it on the show before Oh that's scary Yeah I have a lot of dental stuff That I should start a medical go fund me Definitely You should I really can't afford

Any of these fucking dental bills That I have to pay I don't you have a dental credit card Yeah they made me take out a credit card card the dentist did the dentist fully made me take a first all first of all you need a credit card yeah well i had eight thousand dollars of dental work i needed done and then i couldn't afford all of it so they made me take out a credit card for the remaining 3,000 and i've been paying that off for the past two years wow yeah you Jesus Christ that's so much fucking dental debt i know and i have uh like

probably like $15,000 more dollars I need done. What the fuck could you put? Are you getting shark teeth put in your mouth? Yeah. Really? I'm getting full. I'm adding more teeth into my mouth.

More rows of, that would be cool to get rows of human teeth. See, this is the kind of stuff that we only come up with when mommy is not gone. When Mommy is not here. When Mommy is gone. Watch this. Yeah. I took a bite of a banana.

And nobody can say anything. And nobody yelled at me. Because I don't care. if you eat. Uh-huh. I'm not your mommy. Right. I'm just your brother.

Mm-hmm. I'm just your twin brother, and I'm sitting across from you. Yep, we're two twin brothers. That's just that simple. And Cameron is a complete mommy. Mommy is not around. Mm-hmm. Mommy is not anywhere to be seen.

I don't see a mommy. I think it's $15,000 a dental day. It might be another $8,000. Did they say you, you have to, it's going to be $15,000? I have to get my wisdom teeth out. Uh-huh. And then I have a bunch of cavities that I need to get fixed. I mean, how many is a bunch?

Is every single. Is every single? tooth cavitied? Well, I also need to get a... The reason that I have cavities and chip teeth, I have a shit ton of chipteeth. And a lot of, like... And a chip ton of shit teeth. Yeah. I mean, come on. No mommy. I have this one cavity up top, and then I have to suck food out of it. And then when I do, it tastes bad. You know what I really want... It constantly... You know, you... That when the dentist is, like, burning your tooth or, like, grinding your tooth down with the thing, and it smells like, it smells like burn, like burning bone. Your dentist

burns and grinds your teeth with the little, the Dremel thing? No, I've never put, nobody's ever put a Dremel in my mouth. Well, you've probably had better dental health than me. When I go to the dentist, they, and I brush my teeth generously once every two days. And when I go, I'm

100% serious. And when I go to the dentist, they go like, you've been keeping up on brushing, haven't you? And I say, yes, ma'am. And I think the reason why, I think maybe I've thought about this before. I think maybe because you call the ma'am and sir, maybe they're like, Well, let's, let's kind of tell them. Some slack.

Yeah. I think that dentists have an inflated idea, or a deflated, I guess, of what average dental hygiene is, because most people lie to their dentist and say, when they're like, do you brush twice a day? And they go, yeah. And but if they brush once every two days. See, I actually do brush twice a day. Really?

And you're that fucked up? Yeah. I hate brushing my teeth, man. I hate taking care of myself. I don't like showering. I don't like brushing my teeth. You should see what my bedroom looks like right now. My girlfriend hasn't been, like, she's been off on business.

I've not cleaned my room once. Yeah, that's bad, dude. That's how I used to be in Boston. Baby girl used to come over basically just clean my room. Clean my room and I'd make the worst fucking dinner all time. My roommate was telling me last night, Neil said that, like, one time I was here recording or something and she was like staying over and he heard a bag full of bottles clinking in the living room and Neil walked out and was like,

what the fuck is going on? And she was like, oh, he thinks I don't know. He hides bottles under his bed. Because I'm not doing like a full deep clean, you know? I'm not... I like that deep clean to you is just getting the bottles off the floor. Yeah. I live like that lady from Evangelion most of the time.

Never seen that show. Yeah. I've never seen any... I've seen Naruto. I used to... So I got into Naruto the week of my birthday, and then I bought a shit ton of Naruto action figures. Yeah.

And then never watched Naruto again and then just had all these fucking Naruto action figures for the rest of my life. They're cool, dude. It's cool that he, I only think I started watching it. I used to get told I look like Rock Lee. Who's Rock Lee? A guy with the bull cut and the big eyebrows. Oh yeah. You do look like Rockley. When I was a kid, I had a bull cut and big eyebrows. Yeah, I've seen pictures of you as a kid. Yeah. Yeah. You do look like that a little bit. Mm-hmm. Have you been watching Naruto?

No. No, I watch it as a child. I watched as a child and there was a part where he becomes naked. He's a child. He's a 11 years old. And he tries to seduce old old men who look, the Jedi of whatever they're called. He goes, yeah, I'm going to use my sexy jitsu on you. I haven't seen it in a long time. I forgot about sexy jitsu. And the clouds cover his mons pubis and his breasts.

And his nipples on his breast. No, you see most of the breasts, honestly. Really? Yeah. And so the guy, he goes, sexy jutsu, and then the guy who's got gray hair. This guy's got to be in his 50 to 60s. a poster right. Yeah. So this guy Oh my God. It's my girlfriend's

poster. It's my girlfriend's right behind me the entire time. It's my girlfriend's Naruto poster from middle school. Oh my God. So he's even younger than I remember. This kid is like nine years old, right? Yeah. So he says sexy jitsu. And then this fucking guy who's clearly in his 60s or 70s

gets horny as hell. He goes, oh. And then he's got that blush on his on his cheeks. Uh-huh. And he's I wish that happened in real life. When you get horny, you get that those lines. Me too. You're Cheats go red and you go, ooh, and you'll get the lines on your cheeks and shit.

That'd be so dope. Yeah. You just basically could never go to Victoria's Secret ever again, though, as a man. That's right. Yeah, walking by. I still avert my eyes when I see a Victoria. I don't want to... That's trash.

Complete ho-ish stuff. That's godless fucking trash, dude. Why are they dressed like fucking hoax? It's completely hoish. I'm getting a FaceTime video for Mommy. Oh. Do I accept this right now? Let's accept the Mommy call.

Hold on. Hold on. um hey mommy we basically don't need you and we're basically doing great without you huh what are you guys doing right now oh no nothing no mommy no mommy no mommy we're having a no mommy moment yep and you're basically ruining it by being here what do you mean i'm just calling to see what you guys are up to um we're staying up as late as we want and basically eating and fucking over one and a half serving let me tell you the amount of sugars in this drink oh shit yeah yeah tell them how many sugars 41 grams there's 41 grams of sugar

in what he's drinking. Yep. And I'm having caffeine past... I'm having caffeine past 4 o'clock. Huh? Patrick, stop standing on the bed. You can't stand on the bed if he wants. We wore shoes inside today,

so I bet Mommy's pretty unhappy about that. Yep, I'm wearing complete shoes. Mommy's such an attention whore that she actually has to call us in the middle of the no-mommy episode. I know. Oh, you guys are doing an episode? I didn't even know.

You're a complete mommy. You're a completely mommy. What are you guys doing? If you wanted to, if you wanted to be on the episode, episode, you would have stayed here. Yeah, you would have come home. Yeah. Feeling sick? How did you even know to call us right now? What is wrong with you? You have some kind of pred or natural mommy sense? We should have, we should have taped up all the webcams in here. We're not in any danger and we're actually, we don't need you. And I would say that you're actually a hindrance on the episode. We have a lot of stuff planned. We were going to maybe do a... You guys even care that I'm shopping at Red Shoe Barn in Flastown, New Hampshire right now? Where?

Where? Yeah, mommy's getting a new pair of shoes. Where? In Plastow? You better be at DSW because my mommy only deserves the best. Okay, well, you guys behave, okay? If you're in Plastow, you should go to the Savers. It's really big.

Yeah, I know about the Savers here. The Plastow Savers is really, really big. This is a conversation, this is a Mommy's son conversation. She can call you on your jitterbug. That's true. No, my jitterbug, my firefly. Or firefly. Yeah.

Okay. Bye, mommy. Bye, mommy. Okay, I love you, whatever. I actually love mommy. Okay, bye. I actually love me. Okay, we won't.

Oh, he doesn't know about the new TV. Oh, yeah, no, we didn't definitely get a new TV. Okay, bye, mommy. Yeah, so Joe gave us a big, what is that, like 70-inch TV. Yeah. I don't even know what to do it. We don't know where to put it, but Joe just put it right in front of Caleb's desk. Yeah, I just can't even access my desk because this TV.

I think we could put it on this TV. this wall maybe like hang it up yeah but don't know i feel like it's kind of fucking annoying that when your mom just like unrelated to the tv thing yeah when your mom just like can't fucking leave you alone when you're just trying to have a fucking good ass time with your bro isn't that fucking annoying you're preaching to the choir right now knocking on the basement door what are you doing i made i made uh i made ants in a log yeah it's like bitch i know that you're coming down here and i'm not going to say bitch to you i'm going to say bitch to my friend. I'm going to be like, bitch. I don't want any

answer a log. Thank you. Yeah, well, you say thank you so she doesn't know. Yeah. But she can feel it. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. I actually don't want anything to do with you, Mommy. And I don't want your aunts on a log. That's not for me. I would hate it if I got ants on a log right now. If you're going to bring me a snack, can you at least make it like pepperoni? Or beef jerky? A pepperoni beef. You know, when you can buy the pepperoni in a bag? Yeah. You ever get that as a kid? I never bought. See, when I was a kid, I was a very weird child. I would like, I found out that Hanford supermarkets, my mom talks about this all the time. You could, you could buy like a wedge,

like it's like a little like small like wedge shaped box full of shrimp with like cocktail sauce at the tip. That sounds so good. Oh, you told me this. You ate 25 of them. No, well, I have eaten, I've eaten a lot of shrill. I've eaten a whole bag of. a shrimp before. That's awful, bro. Shrimps freak me out. I used to, it would cost five bucks. It was like a little like shrimp cocktail thing that you could get on the go.

And like my, my siblings would be getting like candy bars and shit and I would come back with a little thing of shrimp. That makes a lot of sense to me that you would be, you'd be like, oh, no, I don't like sweets. I like savory things. And somehow shrimp, even though you were eating shrimp cocktail as a kid, still got fucked up teeth. Yeah.

I was eating all the candy I wanted to do. I was also eating a lot of candy. too. Oh, yeah, that's a bad combo. If I had the opportunity to get shrimp, I would get shrimp every time. Shrimp over candy. Shrimp over candy, full show. That's honestly crazy to me.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, uh, I still don't like shrimp as an adult. I went to, I got some, some shrimp. That's insane. Shrimp shumai. Ugh. You're crazy for that.

It's like, it's like five. But those baby shrimps, they put in shumai, it's like 5,000 fucking crushed up shrimp is disgusting. I like that. You were just an odd of duck. I can't believe you're my twin brother. brother makes almost no fucking sense that's like uh with my roommate i eat sardines and every time that i do like sardines if i eat sardines and he's in the same room he says he he goes he makes like a

noise and leaves the room really it affects him that deeply it goes to his room i've never um if i eat because i made i made like a a sardine toast uh-huh i just took like a a nice piece of sourdough layered out the the sardines on it ate it like that with a little bit of uh you know what i put on it was this fucking there's goat cheese that goes cheese that comes in the terracotta thing

I knew it was going to be something I knew it was going to be goat cheese yeah that means that Neil is fucking he's fucking he's a Greekophobic Grecophobic

yep he doesn't want anything to do with the Mediterranean people yep because he thinks they smell and their food smells you know and you middle of the summer you're sweating

I know you got a shirt off in that kitchen yeah you're making sardine toast with goat cheese you're I mean you look like pest an Annapolis or some shit you're sitting there you're looking like a greek god and he's jealous i do look like and honestly i do look like one of those greek gods but if it's the greek god of like the greek god of uh of diabetes

no because they would get way fatter yeah yeah no you i mean you look i'm not gonna say you look like a like a greek god of you're not apollo the greek god of uh the greek god of 24 hour diners yeah some like yeah no you do look you look you look right at home with like uh like a tank top with like a big rag on the side and I'm just like shaving Euro meat off of a spit. Yeah, exactly. You're just sweating so much. I'm doing it for 50 years. Oh yeah. I saw a video the other day. I have a big, uh, Greek flag pendant. Yeah. I think I should start dressing like this. I think you should too. I saw, you know what I hate, I've been seeing a lot of people dressing like through in the 1970s recently. A lot of men. Yeah. Get that shit out of my face.

I don't, I, there's like dudes wearing bell bottoms again and it's like. Yeah. And when The coolest way to dress is, is, like, 90s style. Yeah, or maybe... We're in big-ass jeans. Or, like, Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. But if you're going 70s, you don't go, like, cool bell bottoms and stuff, you know? Yeah. Go like...

David Koresh. Look like David Koresh, yeah. Or wear, like, a pinstripe suit. Yeah. Yeah. And have a... Fuck get a comb over. Maybe two decades earlier.

Or actually, you know what? No, that's... perfect two decades 70s but you're dressing like like really big collar just like the most crushed velvet suit do you think that that that late 2000s early 2010s is ever going to come back it already is really like like like like like like like like dugie yellow skinny jeans and stuff you think so i think that it's coming back but i don't think like jeans that tight will ever be back in style um but i have noticed an uptick and like look like the there's like the people dressing like Y2K. See, no mommy. We can finally do Patrick's fucking fashion corner.

Mm-hmm. Right? This is what, this guy's, he's on the streets patrolling right now. All the time, all day, every day. You're walking around. I'm walking around. I'm at, I'm in Soho. Yep. I'm following these people. I'm in a Sherlock Holmes outfit. Following tons of women, tapping them on the shoulder. Excuse me. I'm a street photographer. I am a street photographer. Can I have a photo? Can I take a photo of your big ass pants and your small shirt? Yeah, please. Mm-hmm. I have been seen. Yesterday I saw a woman in etnese. That's sick.

Yeah. That's fucking dope. Like the pink etniic, the Maldgoth. People are dressing like Maldoths again, and I'm like 2010 Maldgoths. And I'm, I think I am down with that. I think I'd rather... We haven't had an episode since we were in the Pacific Northwest. I feel, I feel acutely acquainted with the goth subculture at this point in time.

Went to a place called the Coffin Club. It's the best place in the world. And yeah, there's an actual coffin there. And not only is there a coffin, there's also spiders, and there's skulls as well. There's a big Ouija board on the floor. Yeah, and there was a little person there, and I don't know if that was part of the theme. There was, I got, Caleb got a text from me at one point. I think I was upstairs buying a drink.

I got a crazy text. I sent Caleb a text that just said, there is a woman here with a slave. And then I looked down on my phone, I was at the bar, I looked down on my phone, and then I looked up, and who was walking towards? me, but this woman with her slave. She had elf ears on. Yeah. And, you know, at first I thought it was maybe what would you do episode. Yeah.

And it was like, what would you do if a woman was walking around with a slave? And a god. And then you had to put, once you put goth club in there, it's like, oh, well, probably, there's probably more than one slave here. Yeah. And maybe they take turns. But I don't know, that slave seemed like she was, she was doing a damn good job. Yeah.

Yeah. And you could tell who the master was because she had elf ears. big elf ears and they had them they had them on a chain yeah and I was like man I guess they're just like doing like I wasn't weirded out by it at all you were you were you surprised at how okay you were with slavery because that doesn't surprise me they yes you a slave walked right by you said hmm okay interesting I'll say you said instead of I'll text my friend you should have said I'm going to text 911 yeah and you should have called 911 but I think I think it was a sexual thing.

That should still be illegal. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think slave, people fucked slaves all the time. Yeah, look at Thomas Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson was a fucking... They called him the slave fucker. They did. Yeah.

He was, like, he was putting up wilt numbers. Yeah, dude. He was the most prolific. Slave fucker. Yeah. And I don't want, you know, this person who's walking around the coffin club could have been the next Thomas Jefferson. You know?

And no founding father. she could have been fucking she could know it was crazy about that was we went there then the next day went to Seattle two days later and we see that we did see this like like this small woman who looked pretty old there's what I'm saying we saw the same oh yeah we saw the same old little like old little person two days in a row unmistakable little person oh yeah yeah and was just walking around in two cities three hour drive apart mm hmm just It's the same as, like, going to, like, upstate New York. Yeah, but to see them two times in a... That's true. To see them on the sidewalk just randomly. Seeing them at a goth nightclub and then seeing, like, it's like seeing like an NPC at a place. It's like somebody like, they reused the texture. They did like a console command to spawn them on that sidewalk. Yeah, it's like when you say, when you're in a video

game, you get a quest from somebody and they're like, okay, I'll meet you there. And then they stay there and you walk away. And then you get to the new place, they're already fucking there that's what it was like oh yeah it was like she gave us a quest she was like go you need to get as far away from the slave driver in portland as possible and we said yes ma'am next day we see her there right and we didn't even get XP for that no we should have i think we did i think we got a lot of XP on this trip i think so i think i'm getting ready to level up yeah i've leveled up to my goth tree of yeah i've completely gone got i think i realized that i would be a really fucking good goth based on my looks you're a little too swarthy honestly you're like i feel like you would go

you'd be you should be at a pirate bar let me be i look like a like a skeleton you let me be a goth i think i look more goth than i think i know more about goths than you that doesn't mean anything you could be a historian right that doesn't make you a i think that's i think that also be a cool look at the goth club as if i'm dressed up like the gothic professor oh you could be like kind of a goth, Indiana Jones type? Yeah. Yeah. That Bauhaus record belongs in a museum.

There we go. You can say stuff like that. Yeah. But did Gossel go to museums then, though? No. They go to mortuaries. Yeah, that... That Alien Sixthiend record belongs in a mortuary.

It belongs in a mausoleum. There we go. That's easy, dude. Yeah. But I do think that they're played... That God belongs in an alcove. There we go, an alcove. Yeah.

That's a... That's a joke for real gotts. It's really fucking hard to talk and do all these dials. There's two dials. We need to, I think, I think everybody needs to respect Mommy more. I don't need to, no, because by the time that this is, listen, if I was doing this for three years, I'd be a pro. True. Right?

And Mommy, you know, I love her, right? We love Mommy. Not exactly a pro at this show. I mean, I hate to say it. So, it's good that I'm learning. You know, I learned how to do this. You learned how to press play on the timer. Yeah.

You know what? I got the timer to go up. Oh, shit. Yeah. You see how it says up? Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty legendary.

Uh-huh. Pretty cool. Yeah. So now that we've invaded the Goss and basically, and I think they accept us. That's one thing I'll say about the Goss. The Goss were completely accepting us. So we went to the Goth Club. We went to four different goth clubs.

Yeah, and I, yeah, we did. And I'd like to know about some in New York, because I've, Again, I really, I enjoyed the people. So we went to four different ones, then ended up at Coffin Club. We went there, met the bartender, then came back the next night in face paint. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we got a bunch of face paint for our Portland show. Yeah.

And then we didn't have time to take it off before we went back to the goth club. And so we showed up the first night. Let's be real, we looked like complete herbs. Yeah. Right? We're sitting there. We looked like, we stuck out like sore thumbs. We were wearing white t-shirts and shit.

We were thinking more East Coast gangster style, right? We pulled up on the Pacific Northwest Coast. Yep. Right? They checked us. They checked us. G-checked us. At the fucking bar, right?

They were asking us about G-code. Yeah, yeah. We were like, oh, you already know what it is? They're like, that's the wrong coast. We were saying cap. We were saying fam. It wasn't working with them. They were supposed to say bat.

You're supposed to say, bam. Cape. Yeah. Bat. Cape Scull. You know, they say like, yo, that's mad skull. That's this mad scully in here. Yeah, like that's skull A-F.

Yo, that's brimstone. Yo, that's on brimstone. Yo, you look like obsidian right now. Yeah. You straight, you straight steak dope. That's what they be saying. But they don't say it like that. That's about East Coast kind of New York accent. Yep.

But anyway, then we show up the next day. We hit the upgrade button. Oh, absolutely. My face, white is snow. Patrick's face, completely green. It was gray. Completely gray. It was gray because I tried to layer.

And listen, my lips, black is night. My eyes, black is night. Mine were red. Patrick's eyes, black as night. Patrick's lips, wax red lips. Just looked like a missed your potato head. I looked like old Greg. Yeah, you looked completely like old Greg.

Uh-huh. Which, I mean, honestly, fit in. I fit in well in there. I wanted to pull up like a mime, though. I think that would have been a better one. Yeah, I think if next time, I think we all go three mimes. Next time we pull up like mimes. Yeah.

Mimes got to be Park. goth, right? Yeah. The thing is, a mime can't even talk. What's, fuck it. What's more kind of sad than that? Yeah, and they're always sad. Goth music, I was pretty surprised.

I'd never heard a got a goth song before that I knew of. But then we got in there, they're playing like Depeche mode and shit. Depeche mode. Depeche mode. Depeche. If you want to be a goth, you got to say Depeche mode. Depeche. No.

I don't want to be a goth. I'm a Spaniard. Why are you becoming, why are you changing up? Why are you changing up now? because I was I dabbled right but honestly I'm a culture vulture I'll cop to it yeah

I just want to be a fucking culture You are I've been about being goth You have not been about being goth You're wearing white I'm wearing I had a whole goth playlist Ready I'm wearing deep dark tones When we got to Portland

Yeah Spotify presents Gauth 90s It was my own gothic playlist No I had a lot of I had killing joke on there The kid that's a Batman That's a movie That's a band

book. I like you give a fuck about bands. I do. I give a fuck about the goth culture. I was pulling up with mad knowledge. I was spitting facts at them. I was educated. Honestly, they thought I was an O-G.

And you know what the G stands for. I mean, you got to go to. Old Gough. Yep. Stay, I pulled up like an O-G-2, old Greg. You do. Yeah, he's an O-G-O-G. Yeah, dude, that's O-G, that's old Greg.

Yeah. You pulled up, you were like, yeah, bartender. I want to drink Bayleys out of a shoe? Can I get Bayleys straight up in a shoe? shoe? Can you serve me Bayleys in my shoe? Yeah, right now. Thank you. I don't like Bayleys. I don't like any of those creamy ones.

I don't know. I did. I had white Russians on Christmas a couple years ago. Oh, actually, white Ukrainians. Well, it's in a white Ukrainian. Same ingredients. Yeah, but we just don't fuck with the Russians anymore. Remember whose birthday were we at? Did a bar we were at, have a white Ukrainian? Yeah. Tell you what.

Is that KGB? A lot of the bars. Is that fucking KGB, dude? They changed it to like... That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. They tried to change other shit to Ukrainian stuff. They're like, we only sell Ukrainian vodka.

Oh, God. Yeah. Come on, bro. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. That's not my war. Dude, 1940s, I'm buying a fucking Jeep, tell you that much. Yep.

I'm buying a Volkswagen. That's a damn good car. Right? It's a car of the people. That's what... Volkswagen is a damn... That is what Volkswagen Translates to.

1944. Folks. Folks. Yeah. Car of the people. Folks. Folks. Wagon car.

1944, right? You got Ford. Ford is fucking jacking off making the shit. Model T fucking fuck you. Shit basically. You better off with a horse, right? Basically, the T stands for turtle shit.

It's a complete turd. Turtle shit. That's better. Total shit. It's a... Yeah. Yeah. Not total shit.

Turtle shit. Turtle shit. And then you got Chevy. Chevrolet, fucking, who gives this shit, fuck you? Blue car, black car, it's all fucking shit to me. Volkswagen, they got a little beetle-looking motherfucker. Volkswagen, right?

You call the dealership, you're like, I want something nice, right? Something foreign, right? I hate these American cars. Something where maybe the steel came from a questionable place, right? Because it makes it cheaper. And he says...

Oh, that's a fly. He says, tell you what, but... That's a spider. I'd be fine with that as a got. All we got is this Volkswagen Beetle, steering wheel monogrammed H-H-H-H-H, yeah, H-H-H. We just got this in. The previous owner passed away

and wanted to get rid of this. Exactly. And we go, you go, oh, you know what? I mean, H-H, I mean, that could stand for anything. Honk-H-h-h-h. That's why it's on the steering wheel. Yeah, that's why it's in the middle of the steering wheel because you say honk-h-h-h-monogrammed right there.

So you look, you're like, Ah, I really, where's my, where's my horn? Where do I press my horn again? H.H. Hong Kong. There it is. See, and I'm going, okay. You could also look at that too. I'll buy that. Two, H-H next to each other.

That's the parallel lines in the middle of the road. Exactly. There's so many ways. It could be two ladders if you stack them on top of each other. Yep. If you overlay them on top of each other, it's just one H. And who knows what that stands for? Maybe just honk once. Yep. But it's got instructions right there.

You know what I mean? I don't know. I just feel like it's, uh, I feel like it's, uh, I feel. I feel like with the Russian vodka shit, if you want to enjoy yourself a fucking smear enough ice, by all means, you know? And you know I want a smear enough ice. Yeah, dude.

You know, when I get iced, I don't freak out. I actually enjoy it. It's like basically a sativa. Yeah, beer is an indica. Yep. And Smearnoff ice is a sativa. Yeah. And Mike's Hard Lemonade is a hybrid.

I agree. Yeah. You know what they did? I found out they make is a simply lemonade. spiked lemonade. Really? Had two of those last night. Holy shit.

The Simply Limeate, that's a bit of a game changer. Yeah. I think that's how I got fat as a kid. Oh, earlier we're talking about pepperoni. I don't know if I've ever told you this. It's really not that important of a story. I don't know why I'm bringing it back. I, when I was a kid, I thought pepperoni was a vegetable.

Yeah, you told me that before. I did? Yeah. Isn't that fucking stupid? That is crazy. Imagine it was a vegetable that tastes good as pepperoni. There are, well, I guess mushrooms aren't a vegetable, but there's a bunch of mushrooms that taste like,

there's like mushrooms that taste like, like lobster. Oyster mushroom. I like an oyster mushroom. Yeah. King oyster mushroom. That's a big mushroom. King oyster mushrooms,

you can make some vegan scallops. Yeah. I mean, I've never had a scallop before, though. Really? Yeah, I'm not, I haven't had a scallop and bacon. Uh, no,

I've had very little seafood. I've definitely talked about my, my scallop and bacon incident, right, where I got food poisoning so bad that I should. Because you had a frozen scallops? I had a frozen scallop that expired two days, I think later. But I, the first time I've ever pooped and puked.

Like same time or same day? Same, exact, like, same time I was on the toilet and like simultaneously, it was like a demon was leaving my body. Yeah. It was insane. It was like, like, that's the sound I made. I sounded like a, I sounded like the boomer from Left for Dead. Oh, shit. Think about the boomer and think about how bad.

it probably smells. Think about how bad he feels walking around. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like he's fucking, first of all, he's got cell, he's got body image issues, right? He's fucking cellulite. He's fat as a balloon. He's got cellulite all over his body.

He's dressed terribly. Yeah. Okay? And he's, and he's, and shirt does not fit him. Every, everybody's running up to trying to, trying to touch or running away from him. And then when he gets hit, he explodes. It's, it would be funny if, if, if a zombie apocalypse happens and it follows the left for dead rules of like you become whatever you kind of were where like oh you're a you're a

woman you become a witch you're a fat guy you your whole things you run around you diarrhea and throw up on people what the hell is the hunter supposed to be i think the hunter is a stoner oh because you wears a hoodie yeah it's like a kid cuddy type guy okay you know i knew a couple of kid cutties i did there's a i told you that there was a guy oh the kid who changed his name to yeah last name Messcuddy, Dylan Messcuddy. He changed his last name to Kid Cuddy's last name. As far as I know. Yeah.

That is so sick. And then I think he quit rap shortly after, so he's just sitting at a Best Buy geek squad status just with a name tag says Dylan Messcuddy. And let me tell you, by looking at this guy, you'd never think he's related to Kid Cuddy. Yeah. Blonde hair. Could have dyed it? Blonde hair, no Frank Ocean.

Okay. Yeah. You get me? Yeah, I can understand that. Remember that time we saw Frank Ocean at that bookstore? Yes. We do a flashback. Hey, who the fuck's that guy reading the Berenstain Bears?

Wait, didn't it used to be called the Berenstine Bears? I'm going to write this book and call it the Berenstine Bears. It was Berenstein. Everyone thought it was an E. I think it's... Most Mandela effects stuff. is just so stupid. Yeah. No, I think it's real, actually.

I don't know. That's a Mandela effect. Nobody knows what's going on. There could be a Mandela effect. They're true. Right? What is it? People think that they...

It's funny that people think that they just skipped a timeline. I think that's possible, too, dude. Yeah. I mean, anything is... I think I truly believe anything is possible. That's a good way to live. Right?

No, it's a scary way to live. What if I get... What if a needle... What if a needle... What if a needle goes into my body? And it's got radiation on it. Oh, shit, okay. Doesn't that sound pretty bad?

It does sound crazy. That sounds scary as well. It is scary thinking about that kind of stuff. I watched Nope yesterday. I watched that new Jordan Peel movie. Don't do not give me any spoilers. I have not seen it. I'm not going to spoil it.

I got to go to the movies soon. But I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, man, that could actually fucking happen. Yeah. You know? Because anything could. Anything is possible. Get out? Not so much. That could not happen.

That could not happen. No, it doesn't make any sense. I don't think Bradley Whitford could be mean. Is that the guy, is that the dad? Yeah. He's cool. Marnie from Girls is in that. Who does she play?

Oh, the girl eats the fruit loops? His love interest. His girlfriend. That's Brian Williams' daughter? Yeah. She got her assayed on TV. Yeah. And let me tell you something.

I saw it, and I think that guy was going hungry that night. He was going to bed with an empty stomach. she's got no asser yeah oh i thought you meant i thought you meant that it looked too clean it looked too it that's why he was eating her buddy is like i'm hungry for poop i'm so hungry for poop i need poop right now i guess she probably does have a clean butt who do you think is the female celebrity with the nastiest stinkiest butt probably maryland monroe you're not allowed to say a dead person or lizzo go who do you have female celebrities Celebrity. She knows she's famous. She takes care of herself.

Who doesn't, straight up, doesn't wipe? Did you read that Marilyn Monroe, like, biopic, or something about, like, people, like... Don't tell me there's about to be a scene in this Anna De Armas movie where she don't wipe her ass. It's not that she doesn't wipe her ass. It's just that, like, she would, like, I guess there's, like, this story that came out that she would, like, just eat, like, chicken wings and shit in her bed and just leave the plates under her blankets and stuff. That's normal girl shit. She would fart and like burp everywhere. She's fart? She's farting?

She was farting in front of everybody. There was. She was fucking walking around. There's, I guess her ex-husband, Joe DiMaggio, said something like, like how he was, like, surprised at how disgusting she was or something. Really? Joe DiMaggio.

I don't know. Maybe that's just like a 1950s guy just not like realizing that women burp and fart too. Yeah, I think. I think it was probably more of a, like, you were finally in private with this woman. She's rich and famous enough that it doesn't matter if she farts in front of you. Exactly. Yeah, she has more money than you. And he's just like, dear God.

Yeah. Women poop. Who is the guy? Women poop! Yeah, just free. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Who is the guy fatty fucker who fucking... Fat's Domino? No. Fatty Arbuckle. Yeah, he fucking killed a million women or something? He killed a million women by sitting on them? Yeah, I think so.

Okay. Well, I still think Marilyn Monroe maybe had a nasty butthole, but I do... I told you, no it has to be alive. I do remember... I do remember somebody fucking Trisha Peta started like a OnlyFans and she posted like a whole photo and she had toilet paper all over her butthole. Really? Yeah.

By God, that's awful. I feel like male celebrities, I honestly... Which I guess is the exact opposite of what your question was. Huh, because that does show that at least it was clean. Yeah, I would say male celebrities, who do you got? Because I think top two is probably like... Homer and Peter Griffin. Probably Homer and Peter Griffin, I was going to say.

Yeah. Slimer from Ghostbusters, Jack Harlow. If Peter Griffin was real. Imagine Jack Harlow's pubes and asshole. Can you imagine that, too? They also make him look more like Mr. Tumnus than he already does. He's based on his, but yeah, no, he's got full hair, like a fawn from the legs down. That would be so cool to convince Jack Harlow to dress up like Mr. Tumnus.

I think it'd be easy. He looks so much like he should be a fawn already. I think little Nazex told him that they're going to make a music video where he sucks his dick. He'd probably put on the fawn pants. Yeah. Damn, that would be crazy. But I bet his pubs are nice and patchy in like an S shape or something. Yeah.

Because it's just based on his facial hair. I tried to do a Naruto. arrow once. With your avatar. I do a tasteful landing strip right down the middle. I don't do that.

You don't do a landing strip? My penis skin grows hair. Mine too, I guess. Do you shave your balls? I looked at my shaft and I saw two hairs on it. Dude, I got fucking 100 hair.

I saw two, well, I was looking more at it and then I was just like, oh, like even on like the tip where like the skin. You have a hair on your tip? Not on the tip, but like the skin. Oh. I still got my... I'm made completely in God's image.

I was not... I was about to do plants versus zombies, do you, bro? I was about to fucking shoot you. Is that one of your pubs hanging out of your pants? Yeah, there's one of my pubs. Holy shit, that thing's long as fuck. Yeah, dude, look, it's like... It's like I'm a marionette on my penis.

See, this is the kind of conversation you can't have with mommy. This is the kind of stuff Cameron would not let us say. No, no. he'd be, she'd be, oh, you're, oh, you're being nasty, oh. You know how Cameron is. Oh, you're being so nasty. Oh, I need you to completely stop. I don't like to hear all this pee-pee, poo-poo penis humor. I don't want to hear that. I don't like it. I completely don't like that talk. Hunched over, hands like this, right? Coach Steve's style. Long, yeah, complete coach Steve. Long, long, long fingernails on Cameron, right? Beautiful painted fingernails.

You know those, like, the, the lady, the cartoon lady with the gray hair and the big sunglasses, and it says, like, I'm not over the hell. Yeah, the greeting card lady. Yeah. Yeah. What's her name? I want to say it's Margaret. We'll say it's Margaret. Yeah. She's kind of a mean-ass fucking bitch. Or it's Kathy. I think it's Kathy. I like the ones where it's like, it's like 18 plus. And you pull it up. It's like, yeah, I love my grandkids, but not as much as I love getting fucking anally fucked. Happy birthday grandson. It's an old woman. Yeah. And it's her. You know, it's like, and she says, happy birthday. I love getting, I love getting sucked on my nipples. Yeah. I like getting peanut butter licked out of my who, who, who, who, who. My name's Margaret, and this is a picture of it. My name is old Margaret.

Yeah. I'm a fucking old, stupid-ass fucking bitch. And my grandma, my nana, she goes to the Hallmark store once a year. She buys a hundred cards. I swear to God, the top drawer of her dresser, the most easily accessible drawer. Does she have her own little Hallmark store? No. No, she doesn't sell them to other people.

She's not like a drop. She's a collector. She's not like a drop shipper. No, she has them. And then when it's somebody's birthday or an event, so that she doesn't have to go out and do it, she just grabs it from her collection. That's not a bad idea.

She has one for like every age range, you know? She goes to the middle age section. She goes to the early age section. She goes condolences, you know. Maybe she runs out of cards sometimes. Ended up sending a sexy anniversary one on somebody's when somebody's like teenage son does in a car accident.

You ever, one of my favorite things to do in high school was go to the greeting card section and just put like the funny ones in like, like loss of husband. Yeah, that'll fucking own them. Yeah. Yeah. But somebody trying to find something for their grieving friend and it's just like, who the hell?

Yeah. Or a lady trying to cheer herself up when her husband does. Yeah. But she gets there and it's kind of funny, you know? She sees a chimp and it says like, I'm going eight point. over you. Yeah, I'm going ape because you're turning six years old. She goes,

oh my God. I'm turning six years old. Finally. I'm six. I'm finally. I'm finally six. Oh, my God. How was my husband dating me when I was five? And then he died. And then maybe she'll feel better about it. Maybe had a heart attack because of her age. Yeah. Yeah. How old are you, honey?

We've been together 60 years. I think I'm five. According to this card, I'm this many. Yeah. Oh, my God, I've been dating a five-year-old for 60 years. That'd probably be his last words. Oh, my God, I'm going to deny, even though I was dating a five-year-old. I'm not going to heaven for this.

I'll probably go to hell. I just realized because I'm a little dating a five-year-old. That would be honestly the fucking worst. Yeah. Imagine you've been dating somebody. You're hitting your 75th anniversary. Mm-hmm. Right?

And you go, you go, here, I'm going to go, honey, I'm going to go grab us some drinks, but the bartender requires an ID for everybody. You know, I know he's not going to ask for it, but it's just good to have it just in case, you know. Because she's got bad legs, she's got a bad hip. You're chasing this fly around like Walter White. So you walk up, you bring her ID, you put them both on the counter. It says she was born seven days ago. Wouldn't that be fucking heartbreaking?

That'd be the worst thing in the world. I think you'd have to instantly kill yourself. Yeah. Right? You've been dating, you've been with this woman 75 years. Yeah, and it's like a Benjamin Button thing. Exactly. Yeah.

Well, that's the questionable thing about Benjamin Button. When did she stop fucking him? Yeah. Yeah. A really good question Because there's like the one point Maybe they do that in the movie I haven't seen the long time

There's the one point Where they start to kind of look The same age Yeah Yeah they intersect Yeah And that might be the only time It was okay

Too old I mean either way It would have been Pretty bad I think I kind of wish I aged like that Reverser Yeah Like I'm growing more hair

You know I think I would not want to disappear Or go back up my mom What happens at the end of Benjamin Button I've never seen it He literally just did You get so small, he disappears.

I'm serious. You get so small, he just disappears. Isn't that so smart? That is a good idea, yeah. They just fucking, they can't even, there's no ashes to fucking spread. He's just, he's nothing. Damn.

Yeah. So they probably squished him like a fucking bug. That's what, well, at some point, it's like, well, this is, I mean, come on Roe v. Wade style. Let's fucking, he's, he's, let's crush him. Yeah. Yeah. Let's put him in a vacuum.

We're going to crush him. We're going to put him out of his misery, dude. He's fucking. sitting there he's red once he turns into a red thing he's a he should turn into red mist yeah so i guess we have a list or something oh yeah yeah yeah i wanted to just do a little um just like an interview type thing you know i feel like people don't get enough yeah of your personal do people yeah there's i don't think i've ever said anything personal on this show yeah yeah not even within like the first i guess like whatever like 30 minutes prior no no no not at all i don't say anything

about my girlfriend or my roommates no no no no i think that that maybe we just need to get to the bottom of it. So I brought these two, these, basically these metal things that are just, because it might get kind of intense, so you want to have something to hang on to. So I hold these two metal things, they're connected to that. And they're connected to that machine right there? Yeah, well, yeah, it's another recorder. It's a backup recorder.

Oh, okay. So that's going to record the... Yeah, so we're just going to... What is it in, like, it says, I see the Ome symbol there. It's just like electrical votes or... Okay. Yeah, so don't worry about that. We just got to check the levels.

So, all right. Basically, you're going to, so put your hands on that. We'll mount your mic. Okay, perfect. Okay. Put your hands on that. All right. I got my hands on the two metal things.

Basically, just don't think about these questions at all. Okay. Okay. All right. And we're just going to go through these, okay? Have you ever debased a nation's currency? Oh, that's a tough one. Is that tough for you?

That's a tough one because I don't know. Maybe you're supposed to say anything. Maybe you're supposed to just say yes or no. No, you probably got to give a source. Maybe? Maybe. Have you ever killed the wrong person? No.

No, never. No. Have you ever torn out someone's tongue? No. No? Maybe. Maybe? What about your own tongue?

I've stuck it out. I don't know if that counts. I don't think that counts. Have you ever been a professional critic? I guess, I guess technically that is my job. I guess in a way it is you're critiquing things it's my job too I guess but this isn't about me this about you hands up back on the thing okay sorry have you ever wiped out a family ooh I'm getting some interesting readings here of humans it doesn't say so I do a lot of stuff with

mice when you when you say stuff well I guess I can't ask you that follow-up it's not on the thing yeah I will say your rating just went off the chart so we'll take that as a yes okay Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name? Which I don't know what that maybe like, maybe sat in the middle. Maybe saying like, let's go crazy. Maybe sat, you went to the mall and he said, Baa! Uh-huh.

Or maybe you stuck out. Maybe I said wait till the elevator, the elevator, don't, oh, no, let's go. Here, wait, I think I have a, I think, all right, here's a better version of the question. I'm just, I'm just going to rewrite this real quick. I hope they don't mind. Have you ever photo bombed someone? Oh, yes. All right, well, that's pretty insane of you.

Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion? By a natural fashion, you have to imagine maybe one of those big Tyrannosaurus rex inflatable suits or something. Yes. Yes. Have you ever made a planet or nation completely radioactive? Oh, yeah. Okay. Have you ever made love to a dead body?

I'm going to do another quick edit. We'll just say, have you ever fingered or above? Have you ever gotten a second base with a dead body? dead body. No. No. First base? No. Okay. Have you ever engaged in piracy? In piracy? In piracy or in piracy? Yes. Have you ever been a pimp? Yes. Every day of my life. Oh, for sure. Hold on. I'm taking my hands out to football. Yeah, no, that's okay. Have you ever eaten a human body, which I would count as second base, so you've already answered this one. Okay.

Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing? Well, I shave sometimes, I shave my face. And you nick yourself? I shave my penis. I shave a lot of parts of my body, and I think that, I think naturally I should keep the hair there because God wants it to be there.

Of course, yeah. So I guess that's technically, on a technicality, yes, I have. Okay. Have you ever exterminated a species? Oh, yes. Okay. Have you ever been a professional executioner? I'm talking Black Hood, Giant Axe. Yes. Have you given robots a bad name?

Hundreds of times. Okay. Have you ever set a booby trap? Yes. Okay. Have you ever failed to rescue your leader? We'll say Mommy. Oh, yeah. Have you ever failed to rescue Mommy? Yes. I have failed to rescue Mommy, yes. I hate disappointing her, but it happens. Have you ever, or have you driven anyone insane? Yes. So have you ever been, have you ever maybe forced somebody into a photo bomb on a dare? Okay. Have you ever killed the wrong person? We already talked to that this one. It's almost like it's repeat.

Like it wants you to just assess these more. Is anybody looking for you? Yeah. Mommy. Have you ever set a poor example? Absolutely. 100 times, yes. Okay.

Hold on one second. I need to dial a couple things in. Did you come to Earth for evil purposes? Yes. Okay. Are you in hiding? Yes. Okay.

Okay. Have you systematically set up mysteries, maybe like escape room style? Yes. Okay. I applied to work at an escape room in Boston, Massachusetts, and in the interview process, my friend said that I gave the worst interview that the employer has ever seen. That's right. Anjohn Biswas did say that.

Yeah, I do remember that. have you ever made practice made a practice of confusing people maybe going up and going maybe I don't know there's probably hundreds of hours of me confusing people I would say you've set up shop

doing that exact industry have you ever philosophize when you should have acted instead yes have you ever gone crazy yes yeah like like permanently or like oh I'm okay

have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity like maybe for example like, I'm completely a loony. Yes. You've said that before? I've said, I've looked at people in a store. Yeah.

And I said, I'm completely crazy. Well, did you say I'm completely a loony or a loon? I said, crazy could be like. I said, and yuck, yuck, yuck. Oh, shh. Well, that's basically a zoidberg. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever sought to, oh, no.

Have you ever deserted or betrayed a great leader? Yes, mommy. Oh, have you ever smothered a baby? Yes. And what, you know, nacho cheese? I mean, come on. Yeah. Well, again, I do a lot of stuff with mice and small animals.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a baby too. And I do a lot of bedwetting and setting fires. Do you deserve to have any friends? Yes. Okay. Have you ever castrated anyone, yourself included? Yes. Do you deserve to be enslaved?

Yes. Okay, I'm going to take a note of that. Is there any question on this list? I had better not ask you again. Yes. Yes. Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real? Yes. Been like, just telling it, just like late night.

I have, there has been many times where I've told God to knock it off. You're sitting on the hood of a car, right? You're looking up with, and you say, just fuck, just take it down a notch. Give me a break. This shit is getting a little too much for me. Give me a break. I'm getting too fucking old for this shit. I think if you, so, I mean, when you say, give me a break, give me a break, give me a break of that Kit Kat bar.

Yeah. Who were you asking? God. You're asking God. Just give me a break. Give me a break. Give me a break. Give me a break in that cat, cat bar.

Have you ever zapped anyone? A hundred times. A hundred times you've zapped someone? I've zapped a billion different people. Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? And if so, did you spread it? No. You've never done.

Well, that was the last one. That was the last question. Yeah, but I guess we can keep doing more. I guess I mean, hmm. How about I ask you these questions now? Okay, well, there's got to be more, though. They're from some, from some church. Let me just look it up.

I can't remember what it's called. Okay. Something. Why don't I ask you the same questions because you didn't answer them? I mean, if you want to, yeah. Yeah, I could just pull these up. Okay, so, have you ever debased a nation's currency?

Oh, wait, I got more. Okay. I have more. Yeah, nobody wants to know. anything about whether or not of fucking debased currencies I'm listening I'm not the one getting

interviewed here okay that's true you're the one getting so hands back on those puppies alright I'll put the I don't want to touch those I'm going to be completely real on the poles yeah

don't want to touch them they're not calibrated for me they're calibrated from you that's true we'd have to do a whole new calibration process I guess are you a pervert no are you guilty of any

major crimes in this lifetime yes Have you been sent here knowingly to injure Scientology? Yes. What? No. Are you or have you ever been a communist? Yes.

Well, that's interesting. Hmm. Okay. Any more questions? Have you ever embezzled money? Yes. Have you ever been a drug addict? Yes.

Have you ever bombed anything? Yes. Have you ever, yeah. Open mic. Come on. I mean, come on. Come on. Yeah.

No mommy. I put my hands back on the poles now. I had a fist bump there. Yeah, no. Yeah, don't do that again, please. What if I say another good answer? Then I guess we'll have to do it again, okay? I guess we'll have to fist bump again.

Listen, I'm fun over everything. There's no mommy here. Yeah, that's true. Right? Have you ever murdered anyone? Yes. Family of mice. Oh, we back to that.

Yeah, I did, I was, um, have you heard about the story of Werner Herzog on the set of Nosferatu? No, what happened on the set of Nussferatu? He tried to dye a bunch of white mice gray and put them in boiling writ dye. Holy shit. And he boiled a big, big box of mice. That's horrifically awful. Yeah, I did the same thing, but I wanted to make them rainbow.

Oh, well, that's sweet. Yeah, like an Easter egg. Yeah. Have you ever raped anyone? No. Not even a mouse? No. Okay.

Have you ever had anything to do with a baby farm? of mice It doesn't specify There's a citation here But it doesn't specify beyond that Okay Yes or no No

No never been involved With any kind of baby farm No baby form All right You never been out there Milking babies No All right

Do you collect sexual objects No Well You better be Come on I know if you're lying Not because of the machine But because I have a psychic link

With you as your brother define sexual object anything that can go in your ass oh then yes okay how do i collected a banana earlier you did you collected it in your front have you have a secret you are afraid i'll find out yes and what is it mommy's over there don't tell me mommy's here okay that was actually a lie and you're very close to failing this test okay you're not technically i know you said it before you're not a good test taker yeah right so I do. I want you know, you're teetering on...

With my 504 plane, I should have been able to take this in a quiet room, and I should have had gum. You're teetering on a C plus here. I should have had gum provided. There's some questions left, though. So we could bump that thing up to a B, big guy. Okay. Yeah.

And then you won't have to take a summer audit. Okay. Are you upset by the security check? No. Have you ever had an unkind thought about L. Ron Hubbard? I'm not sure who that is. Really? What did you think?

Hair, weird. Hair weird. Is he a weird hair? He had weird hair. Who is this guy? This is an author. He made a series of jazz albums with, I think, Chick Korea about horses.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I think we've listened to that before. Oh, dope. Okay. Do you hope you won't be found out? No. Do you think there is anything wrong with having your privacy invaded?

Yes. No. No. That's what I like to hear. That sounds like the better answer. What do you wish you hadn't done? No. Well, no, you got to give an example here.

Oh. Maybe something with those mice or something. No, I don't regret making rainbow mice. Well, yeah, of course not. You're like Darwin. It was like a huge scientific breakthrough as far as creatures are concerned. Yeah. Are you, well, I already asked you that, but what got me?

It's on the list. Are you upset by the security check? Yes, no. Okay. Um, so this one is, we have a couple of more here. This is designed, these ones, it's another security check, designed to be applied to children aged six to 12. Okay. Okay.

And there's 99 questions, but we're just going to do a couple of ones here. All right. What has somebody told you not to tell? Uh, Santa, not real. Somebody told you not to say that? Yes. My mom, my mommy. Oh.

To somebody in the room. Okay. Well, that's basically just a lie that Mommy told you, and I hope that you know that, because I know that, right? I hope. Yeah, so you can put your, I'll just keep going with the questions. You can put your hands on the thing. Yeah, good.

Have you ever decided you didn't like some member of your family? Yes. Who? Mommy. That's what I'm talking about? right? Huh? That's what I'm talking about.

I like that. As your brother, I like that. Okay. That's good to know. Have you ever taken something belonging to somebody else and ain't never given it back? You never gave it back? Yes. What was it?

Mommy's hairbrush. You stole Mommy's hairbrush? Uh-huh. Holy shit, man. Yes. Is that where her hair's been a fucking, I mean, serious, fucking bees nest. Yeah. Right?

Rats nest. A crow's nest. That's what the rat's for. It's a rat's a hive, huh? Mm-hmm. And that's just a hairdo. Yep. Yeah.

That's just Marge's hairdo. That's right. I'm getting a little off track. Mm-hmm. Have you ever pretended to be sick, little guy? Yes. Really? And did you get out of doing some homework?

Yes. Oh, what did you pretend that you had? I used to pretend that I would have painful stomach aches at the nurse's office, and then they would, so they would give me food. Nice. I just put my head under my lamp on the side of my bed, and then be like, Mom, I have a fever, and she'd touch my head, and she'd be like, you have like a burn on your head. that you have such a bad fever.

You seriously can't go to school. Mom, if you're listening, you're a dumb bitch. Have you ever made yourself sick? Yes. Have you ever hurt yourself to make somebody sorry? Yes. Nice. Like put a steak through your heart?

Yes. Holy crap. I put a arrow through my head. By God. At least you weren't playing an instrument, right? I was playing the banjo. No. Uh-huh.

Well, at least you weren't singing about some kind of Egyptian ruler or anything. No. I was singing about Grandma. Oh, well, that's much better news. All right. Not that many questions left, okay? Uh-huh. You ready?

Put your hands back on. Okay. And you know what? For this one, I'm going to say, um, take all your clothes off. Okay. Yeah. If you just do that real quick. Yep.

Mm-hmm. And you, hey, and your shirt. Oh. Take it off. All right. That's a fucking heavy shirt. Chain mail. Oh, yeah, well.

You are goth. Did you... Oh, we already did this one. Hey, we'll do them again because I think that's one of the things we were supposed to do. Okay. Did you come to Earth

for evil purposes? Yes. So let's investigate this for a little bit. What are your purposes here on Earth? Just to cause rats, pain? Rats or mice? Mice, rats. Have you ever confused mice and rats?

Yes. Have you ever seen a rainbow rat? Yes. Have you ever seen a rainbow mouse? Yes. You've seen both? I've made both. Oh, my God.

That's awesome. Have you ever smothered a baby? Yes. A baby mouse. Okay. How did you do it? And with what? Chipotle sauce.

Chipotle's an adobo. Oh, those are good. That's a little flavor bomb for all you white people out there. If you add a little bit of Abobo's Chili's. Yep. And I think Abobo is the chef who makes the chilies in the can. He basically invented the chilies, invented the red sauce. And if you put them.

to a little mayonnaise which I know you got in your damn cabinet that's right that's how pound it out yep I'm taking my hands off the reader put the hand back on that rod

putting them back on the rods but I had to bump one time for the one time here's one for you do you think mayonnaise is spicy nah nah what do you keep in your bag

hot Tabasco that's right have you ever destroyed a culture yes which one Rhodesian

I thought that was a Star Wars thing No No Rhodesian Rodesian Are you sure That's not a Star Wars thing That could

There's a ghost in the office Somebody's completely moaning in a sex way Yeah Have you ever jacked off to the thought of someone Mowing in the office No Do you want? But I will later

Do you have plans Oh well that answers it Have you ever enslaved the population. Yes. Which one? Rhodesian again? All right.

He said into the microphone and keep your hands on the rods. You enslaved Rhodesia and then you destroyed their culture. Yeah, no, I meant Rhodian. Sorry. Oh, that is Star Wars. The whole time I've been saying, the whole time I've been saying Rhodesian, I've meant Rhodian. Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

Yes. Okay, this time not yourself. Yes. Okay, whose was it? Mouse. A mouse is, yeah, we'll say that's someone. And again, have you ever zapped anyone? Yes.

And have you ever eaten a human body? Yes. Have you ever farted and blamed it on your friend? Yes. Okay, have you ever drawn a naked photo of me? Yes. Was my penis average size, small size, or huge mega large size? Small and your head was bigger than your body.

Did you do that on purpose or are you a bad artist? It was a forced perspective thing. Have you ever drawn me with hair? Yes. What kind of hair did I have? Mohawk. Was it awesome? No.

Did you erase it afterwards? Yes. Do you wish I had a Mohawk? I put a different Mohawk on. Did it go sideways? Like a left to right mohawk ear to ear? Yes. Is that the best thing I've ever invented right now?

Yes. It's pretty smart. I think you should do that. A sideways left to right mohawk? I think you should do a sideways left or right Mohawk. I honestly can't believe I just came up with that in the midst of my scientific I think these questions were all leading to that invention. That might be the best fucking invention of all time.

A sideways mohawk? A sideways mohawk that goes completely sideways. Because the best part is you look at someone from the side with a mohawk, that's the whole profile, right? But somebody with a sideways mohawk, we'll call it a sidehawk. Just keep it easy. You're like, oh, this guy's got a fucking spike on his head. Yeah. Right?

This guy looks like a fan brush. And then he turns sideways and you say, oh my God. Oh, my God. He's like a lizard. Holy shit. He has some kind of lizard thing. That would be cool. That'd be fucking dope, right?

That would be so cool. All right. So how many more questions do we have? Just two more. All right. Have you ever eaten a human body? No. I think you said yes earlier.

I think I said yes earlier. So who was it? Because we're going to take the yes every time. A prince? Of what country? Michigan. It was Rhodesia, wasn't it? Yeah.

It was erodean. Yeah. It was a Rhodian prince. His name was Goo-goo. Okay. And have you ever made a planet or nation radioactive? Yes. Really? Rodea.

So this is interesting. Under the controversy section of this, you have potential blackmail. Researcher John Attack. I'm not sure I'm going to trust this guy. Yeah. He's last name. A-T-A-C-K. That's a bit of a scary last name. A critic of Scientology and himself, a former Scientologist,

explains in his book a piece of blue sky that sex checks could be applied either as a confidential confession or as a non-confidential investigation. He alleges that former members have been silenced by the fear that their confidential secrets will be used in blackmail against them. Do you have any fear that I will release this audio? Yes. All right.

Well, then I won't. You're fine. Nobody's ever going to hear this. All your secrets are safe with me. All right. Well, and that's it? Yeah, that's it. I think you're good to go.

Free to leave, as they say. All right. That'll be $8,500. Perfect. I have that, exactly. All right. all right nothing else to talk about right we're done yeah i guess we're done mommy was gone mommy was gone and nothing weird happened nothing not a single thing and we have nothing to plug

uh i guess you can go to the patreon maybe yeah i guess maybe go to the patreon and the twitch and check out prank ass check out prank ass the movie mm-hmm well the pilot the pilot's not a movie yet could be one day could be yeah all right bye bye bye