Podcast About List - Ep. 219 - Anything Goes Open Mic Night!

Episode Date: November 30, 2022

Today, we're delighted to present the very first Fudd's Anything Goes Open Mic Night where anyone can come showcase their talents, from comedy to poems and even musical singing! We thank everyone who showed up to be a part of the audience and hope to see you all again soon! Watch the video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and D&D episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Wow. He doesn't want to tell the story that I... Yeah, why don't you just tell it? Tell the story. You've told the most inconsequential stories of all time. I've heard you tell stories about candy that you bought like a week ago. Yeah, but that's, like, good. That shit does taste good.

Yeah. Tell the story, though. Okay, so I was out buying my new gloves. It looked good. Yeah, I'm liking them. I was out buying my new gloves. I was in a store, and a guy was following me around. The whole time I was in there because, I don't know, he thought I was going to steal or something.

He kept blocking my way. I would, like, go, I'd walk around. I was like, should I buy makeup? No. No, I think I have some at the office. You're saying this to yourself out loud. In my head. Yeah.

Out loud in your head. Yeah, out loud in my head. And then the guy keeps blocking my path and stuff. And then I was like, oh, I just need to get by real quick. And he went, white people. It's true. I would say, I would, and anything. you did in that outfit, I would say that.

I wasn't, you were in this outfit. It's not an outfit, this is just my clothes. And I'd love to hear what you said back to this guy, because I'm sure it was very interesting. But it looks like the open mic is starting. Oh, shit. Oh, my God, it's starting. You made a tell the fucking story. Yeah, oh, there it is. Buds, anything goes open mic starting. Okay, wait, wait, wait, all right, let's go.

All right, Cameron, I think you're up first. All right, shit, okay, here you go. Come on. Cameron, everybody. Go ahead. Woo! Go camera! All right. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Hey, good evening, everybody. How's it going tonight? Wow, big audience we got here. How you do? What's doing, buddy? Hey, how's it going? Where are you from?

You turn your mic off. Hey, where are you from, pal? Hey, where are you from? Where'd you flying from? Round here. Round here? Oh, that's nice. How was your Thanksgiving, by the way?

Good. Good? Good? You have a big, good, strong plate, hearty, lots of vegetables? No. Did you have a week? Okay, hey, fuck this guy. All right.

this audience man what are you gonna I mean guy sitting here with a weak ass plate back row of the audience all right let's get the show on the road though all right so I bring my wife coffee in bed

is she grateful no she tells me she likes it in a cup you know you're in a stoner's house when there's Pringles in the bathroom. Oh, shit. Anybody know?

Oh, shit. Anybody know that feeling? Because they poop in the can. So, I read about this CVS cashier who wrote some racist on a receipt and gave it to a customer. Shocking. Someone found a working cashier at CVS. Damn. It's mostly electronic.

Wait, I got, hold on, can I say something? What's up? Damn, someone actually. read that CVS receipt, those things are mad long. It's like a scroll. It's like a fucking scroll. You could add that to your material. It's like a goddamn motherfucking scroll.

You could say, if you're going to do that, you could also be like, and the cashiers are like wizards. And the cashiers are like wizards. Yeah, they wrote something racist. What are they, a wizard of the cuck. Yeah. Yeah. You guys know about the who wrote these? I don't know anything about that. Where are these from? These are, I wrote them.

Okay. I wrote every last one. of these. God bless you. Not even Bruce is as bossy as my girlfriend. What? I said not even Bruce's as bossy as my girlfriend. Yeah, no, I heard. Who's Bruce? Bruce. Bruce. What the fuck's going on? Not even Bruce is as bossy

as my girlfriend. Hey, buddy, you're drinking some soda? Okay. He can drink soda. You can drink soda if you're in the crowd. Just found out you can infuse weed with cotton candy. The counter. Anti-fares around my home are going to get real interesting. Excerpts from my mind.

I will buy all the laughy-taffy. Listen, Becky, I don't care how much it costs. I'm bringing that tilta-whirl home. And have you ever seen to Buffy's bunny so fluffies? Can we feed him some of this here, cotton candy? Did you say weed infused with cotton candy? Yep. That's what they're doing now that I just found out.

So I just found out you can infuse weed with cotton candy. Okay. You know what? And those were excerpts from my mind. Okay. Kind of leaning into Doug Benson territory. I do a little stoner stuff. I'm a little bit of a stoner fan. Okay, all right, all right.

Let's do something a little different, something a little more intellectual. Go ahead. I often question whether or not God exists. And just when I decide no, the singer of Nickelback gets a cyst on his throat and they cancel their world tour. Holy crap. Tushed God, tushed. Wow. That's, yeah, I mean, that's.

That's true. It's not even funny. It's more like a true kind of bad. It's just kind of sad. Yeah. Because it could be a tumor or cancer assist. Kind of in the news. Can cysts have cancer?

All right. Quiet and back. Okay. I remember when I used to keep a glamour shot of my girlfriend in my wallet. Now I have 213 pictures of naked girls I know on my phone. Wait, wait. I remember when I used to keep a glamour shot of my girlfriend in my wallet. But now I have 213 pictures of naked girls I know on my phone.

Yeah, that's, yeah, I mean, I could see how that'd be a different. This generation, man. Yeah. This generation, man. Sony's releasing the PlayStation 5 next week. If they really wanted to make a splash, it should include a game called Recount. You win by becoming president while still losing the popular and electoral votes. Damn.

Wait, why would they do that? I missed it. If they wanted to make a splash. Oh. All right, man. The other day, my wife asked me to bring her a glass of water and said... Fuck her! And she said, make sure the glass is as clean as a whistle.

Could! She should have asked for a whistle. So, before I poured the drink, you better believe I made sure there was nothing in that cup but a ton of spit and a little bit of pee. Oh, my God. Yeah, serves are right. That's right. Asked for a glass as clean as a whistles.

How are you doing, buddy? Good. Hungry? Eat anything before this? Combo over rice. All right. Oh, fuck you, man. If I can't get something for nothing,

can I at least enjoy my nothing before you tell me I need something I don't have? How I feel about ads. Damn, that's true. Advertisements. That was fucking true. That's so true. If life was like a video game,

I'm pretty sure I'd be stuck in single player. It's not that I haven't heard great things about the multiplayer experience. Still, I find it overrated and outdated. What with all that extra tacked-on, priceless DLC shit? Yeah. Yeah. That's by dating, Danny.

That's the one I didn't write. In the class I tutor, the teacher asked the students what they thought the most dangerous game was about. I'm glad she didn't ask me, because all I could think about was tweezing my eyebrows. Damn. That must be you Greek as hell. Tweezing my eyebrows. I'm living in South Korea I'm living in South Korea right now, and it's a pretty interesting culture.

I'm living in South Korea right now, and it's a pretty interesting culture. For example, there's no stigma surrounding cross-dressing, so it's not uncommon to see a man with a blouse or a lady with a penis. Is that right? That's the punchline. Oh, my God. Wow, that's crazy. My game is like Monopoi.

You ain't going to finish. What's Monopoy? Monopoy. My game is like Monopoy. But what is it? You ain't going to finish. All right. Move on.

That would be funny if a lady named Wendy McDonald opened a Burger King. That one I like. I like that one. I do like that one a lot. That one is honestly pretty funny. All right, let's keep it moving, folks. My girlfriend says she doesn't like jewelry. She's a keeper.

Fucking hate jewelry. Yeah, keep her in the fucking jewelry. Fucking hate jewelry, dude. Thanks to Dr. Oz, everybody you talk to is a food expert. They're more like food parrots. Cale, kale, cairns, carbs. Put down the fork, fatty. Food parrots.

My girlfriend and I just broke up. Aw. An entire ounce of weed by hand and rolled it into one giant joint that represents our love. We're very happy and hungry and sleepy. Some people call a guitar an axe. But it doesn't mean the same thing when you say, I'm killing with my guitar. I'm killing with my guitar. Oh, yeah, okay.

Yeah, I guess. I want to eventually merge with computers and become a computer human hybrid. So for me, switching to eating organic food would be a step in the wrong direction. Okay. I will smile for photos when you offer me actual cheese.

Until then, continue the long family's tradition of looking miserable in photos. Also, I will appear in black and white and wear a hair bun. What? In photos, I'll be black and white in a hair bun, unless I have cheese. Who wrote that one? D.H.L. Zero. Okay. Is there a picture of him?

Black and white. Okay. Okay. Does he have a hair bun? No, he has very little hair. Oh, okay. Ladies, you think man should have to go back to having flip phones? A good morning, beautiful, how are you? Would take him hitting the key 64 times instead of 30.

That's double the effort. Don't you think if he doubles the effort, you should double the fun? I'm talking threesomes, ladies. I heard that. I'm talking threesomes. I heard that. Speaking of threesomes, I had a threesome with my girlfriend last night. Me and my dad really showed her.

Wait. I had a threesome with my girlfriend last night Me and my dad really showed her We showed her Me and my dad really showed my girlfriend last night Is that the point of a threesome is like Yeah, that'll teach you to fucking fuck one guy Instead of two

We showed her Or two guys We showed her what's what You ever have a threesome buddy? All right Hey, fuck you pal Okay, great Killing the energy

Yes I just got a part-time job which allows for my full-time job as well. But being a part-time ice cream scooper actually really mesh as well with my full-time position as a stoner. Damn. You don't look like a stoner.

I'm a stoner. You look like Scatman John. Or like weed man pot. Just try a little bit of scatting up there. That's terrible. That sounds nothing like scatting. It doesn't sound like Scatman John at all. Man, I like this stage presence you got with you.

I'm up there. You look fucking badass. You look like Andy Kaufman. My girlfriend is one of those no sex before marriage girls, which is an odd thought. That means she hasn't had sex ever.

Which means she is a virgin. She sounds like an odd thought if you ask me. And if she does before she gets married, well, I guess she has to have sex with Osama bin Laden. No idea what are you talking about. Cam, you look like Perry can't eat jello.

Because he's stomach problems Because he has stomach problems Hair, okay, I get Hey buddy, the only stomach problem I have is I'm like Oh, I need a slice of pizza man Because I'm a fucking stoner as shit That one was, I made that one up Damn, he can do improv too

Man up on the spot All right, okay Okay, guys, let's bring it down a notch here I used to sit around at school and suck Sunflower Seeds. Weird. So I was pretty disappointed when somebody else got voted most likely to suck seed. Oh, that's good.

Okay. To suck seed. Yeah, no, I got that part. Yeah, the school slut probably got voted most likely to suck seed. And what was her name? Sluttington. Slud. Slutette.

Her name was Slud. Nothing better than scrolling through your Facebook news feed judging people from high school. I heard that. Yep. Is there another part of the? a joke? No, that's the joke. That's by I love Chunk. All right, I got

one more for you guys. All right, all right, I got one more for you guys. So I killed a kitten one time. Oh, fuck you. I was walking to my car in the parking lot right after my high school let out and there were these two girls searching for a kitten that had run up under their car. So me and a few more people came over to help look

because the two girls were hot. And we looked and looked under the car for 10, 15 minutes and we couldn't find the cat. So I, in my infinite wisdom, said, he probably ran off while we weren't looking, and everyone agreed with me. So the girls got back in the car and all the people that were looking left, and since I was parked right next to them, I was the only one around to watch that little black and gray kitten fall

from where it had tucked itself in above the tire right in front of the back wheel. I still remember the crunch as the tire crushed its little ribs, and I still remember the look of raw fear in its face and in its pale blue eyes as it tried to get up and run for just a second before it collapsed with a shutter and lay still. What? Oh, that's my time, everybody. Thank you so much for having me at this open mic.

It's been fun. Cameron, Cameron Federer. Wow. Keep going for Cam, everybody. Wow. That really was something. Yeah. Yeah, that was a...

So, wait, you said that you wrote all those jokes. Those are all jokes. I wrote every last one of them. All right here, you can have the cans back. Oh, yes. Yeah. I know that's the thing you like to do a lot is listen to the show. Yeah.

What was it? So I didn't realize you were such a big stoner. That kind of came out of left field. Yeah. I didn't have you as a big pothead, I guess. Yeah. I'm looking at his hair. Yeah.

Well, that's a good point. I'm kind of, yeah. Something changed. Okay. Probably smoked weed. Probably, yeah. It was mostly, basically, I think, that once I smoked weed, I realized that it makes you high as fuck. Really?

And I let that kind of influence my comedy, which usually, I try to do more girlfriend, wife, ex-girlfriend, dead kitten material. But I found that adding a little bit of spice with weed in video games actually helps round out your set. And even people in the audience who are more concerned with soda or things like that can really find common ground with you. I think that the people in the crowd, if they don't laugh, I think there should be a penalty. Or they don't pay attention. I think we should have a taser. hit yeah if you if you don't laugh or interact yeah in a crowd i agree speaking of i think it's my turn to

go oh let's go yeah hey caleb pitts everybody woo woo thank you thank you everybody oh you's turn the mic off again. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Woo! First time up here, I'm a little bit nervous. Pardon me. It's all good, man.

Just relax up there. You're going to be a natural. I'm kind of freaking out a little bit. Just relax. All right, I'm going to calm down just a little bit. So I tried my hand at writing a script for an open mic event. So I want to know you guys' thoughts on this, okay? All right.

Hi, everybody. Oof. Well, that's great. I spent two weeks preparing for this, and as soon as I get on stage, my mind just goes blank. Like my anxiety wasn't bad enough. It's okay, though. I got a strong rope at home. What? I'm going to kill myself, sir.

I'm going to fucking kill myself. This isn't my first time on stage. I did a couple open mics in my hometown of Syracuse. You're from Syracuse? Yes, sir. But, of course, they flopped. Naturally. This is me we're talking about.

But I was also in a really weird place, and I did a bit on how I was starting a cult. It's a long story. Plus, the FBI doesn't like me talking about it. Fuck it. I'm going to elaborate. Don't. That would help me appear less insane.

You're going to get in trouble with the FBI. I just come off as a crackhead to some people because I'm schizoaffective and autistic. That's kind of like your car having a flat tire while your engine's on fire. Even if you fix one, the damn thing still ain't going. nowhere. That's what my brain is. Just one big lemon. A lemon?

Got a lemon for a fucking brain. Like a bad car. Schizoaffective I am. You should say jalopy. Anyways, I was once in a cult. It was fun in a weird masochistic way. I was virtually a slave. And not the kinky kind that I prefer.

Prefer a sex slave. No, I got pushed so hard that I became psychotic. I thought that the birds were mocking me. would say things like caw, caw, and cock-a-doodle-doo! But I mean, but I knew what they really meant. I have never met such mean avians, and I've crossed past with quite a few geese in my day. You're like a silly goose up there. Yeah.

Making me laugh. But I eventually escaped the cult. That's how I got this scar. Can we see the scar? It's invisible. directly on my face. That should have meant that things improved for me, right? Pro tip.

This one's for you, sir. Here's a pro tip for you. Do not take four tabs of acid in the wake of being horrifically traumatized by a cult. Not only did it turn me into a woman, but I got it in my head that aliens wanted me to be the Messiah. That's a pro tip for you. Thus, I spent three years homeless trying to start the most insane cult imaginable. Truth be told, I actually thought I was going to get famous for being the craziest motherfucker in existence.

So I deliberately said the most deranged shit I could come up with, for an example of one of the milder things I did. One time I started going up to people on the streets and asked them, what's your opinion of ethical incest? Some people got a kick out of it, but eventually three cop cars whipped up on me and put a stop to it. They were not happy with me. I'll tell you what, as you can probably imagine. Yeah, man. They have coppers. I've literally been run out of Eugene Oregon

for stucks like that But that's still not what got the FBI involved See, in my infinite wisdom I began trolling in character on Reddit I started getting maybe one or two hundred messages Every day just saying some variant of WTF did I just read But there were people who enjoyed my content Thought it was funny so you know really stand up people

One guy was into scalping people and he was one of the tamer ones. So I'm joking about starting the most messed up cult imaginable, and a real cult starts forming. Go me. There was talk about pooling our resources, buying land, moving everybody in, and taking over a local government.

It was that serious. I started getting cold feet, but fortunately I was saved by the wonderful men and women and other gendered agents in the FBI, who vanned me while I was riding in the park and brought me to the hospital where I stayed a month. They shut down the cult, too, which I guess is a good thing.

So that's the sort of how I got on a list of two. Well, a part of it anyways, I was only given a few minutes to regale you with my tale, but I'm writing a book to tell my whole life story. The aliens tell me it will make me famous. Or maybe not. I've been wrong before, but at least things won't be boring. Have a good night, everyone,

and may you never ever follow my example. Whoa. So that's it for me. By the way, guys, another thing that this guy said is he's writing a 65,000-page book about his life. I've got another pose. But that's it. I've been Caleb Pitts.

Wow. Thank you so much, guys. I'll be back up here in a little bit. Let's see the audience cheering and clapping here. Why don't you do fucking something, man? Do cheer, y'all. Okay, I'm liking that guy. Okay, he's good now.

What a set. That was honestly. It feels good to crush, man. Yeah, it was honestly, what I liked about it is it was somewhere between funny and, uh, Memoiric. Yeah. Memorical.

It's this kind of identity comedy that is doing so well nowadays that people just love. Like I said, that guy is, I did find another post where he said he's writing a 65,000 page book about his awesome life. I would look to read it. I'd read that. There's something about the phrase infinite wisdom that these type of people really like. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right, well, I think, who's up next?

Yeah, wait, who's up next up next on the open mic? Who drew their name out of the hat? I'm up next. Oh, for real? Yeah. And so the past... Do you're a stand-up? Well, I believe that this was a poetry open mic.

I mean, this is... It's literally called Fuds. Anything Goes Open mic, so anything goes? Oh, okay. Okay, you're right. Oh, so anything goes? Yeah, go do your thing. Then, hey, why don't I just go?

Don't feel self-conscious? Just get up there. Just go, yeah. All right. Woo! Woo! Patrick Doran, everybody. go get him so this is a this is a poem about my love well on february 28th you asked me to type a poem about you

your eyes are as beautiful as a gray cloudy sky every time i look at you i can't help but to smile i messed up one time that fucked up everything with us i thought that i was forgiven i knew it wasn't true. Now we have to be a hidden couple. Your parents can't know, I can't hide it. I am with the most beautiful woman in Midland, Texas, and I want the whole city to know. I am

in love. I am not going to hide it. Your friends don't like me. Well, tough luck. We are together and there is nothing they can do about it. I know, I don't tell you it enough, but you are so gorgeous.

I haven't even went on about your kisses. Do it. They are sweet. I would choose a kiss any day over a candy apple. Your lips are so luscious. I can't get enough. This will probably sound cheesy, but I just hope you to have my children.

I hope that we are together forever. I wish for the respect oif everybody. But I think since we will be at the same school, we now have the chance to prove to everybody that we are the sweetheart starts for the classes of 2008 and 2009. Nice. I don't know about you, but I want people to know who we are, the couple that turns heads. I am ready for this year.

Speaking of a year, it is only two months away. I love you, Lacey Ann Horton. This is an honor of my fiance, Lacey Ann Horton, who accepted my proposal on the 26th of September 2005. She has been with me for 10 months. and it's all I can ask for for anything more. Pretty quick engagement, but I like that.

That is lovely. That is so, I mean, better a quick engagement than languishing around for six years, having casual premarital sex and doing God knows what type of drugs those type of people do. I have another poem, too. Oh, my God.

A treat. Talk that talk. I hate this. Oh, no. I hate it that you act different. I hate it that we aren't us. I hate it that I can't be your one to run to. You hate me. I hate me. What can I do? You are still with me, but only so we can still be friends. I hate that. I wish you would act like I'm important still. I wish that you could talk to me, not some other guy. I wish we could be us from three weeks ago. I hate it that we aren't. I hate it that you are so darn beautiful. I hate it that you blame me for everything that goes wrong. I hate it that your friends hate because of rumors. I just want.

want me and you to be how we used to be. I could careless about friends. Holy. Just be normal with me. I used to make you happy. You saw the ring today. That's why I'm working so hard. You told me you would never blame your hatred for me because of work.

What happened? Who are you in love with now? Why can't I be the one? Just a few questions on my mind. Baby or Lacey. Which one? And there's some comments here. Is that also about Lacey Horton?

Huh? You wrote that one about Lacey Horton, too? Wow. And there's some comments here, and this is from Dark Rose, and they say, you have never had love. Holy shit. Do you believe that about yourself? You and Lacey, you never had love?

Well, I replied and said, okay, maybe I shouldn't have asked for advised. That is how I feel about my love, and I really don't care that anybody else thinks about that. Damn, that's a good-ass comeback, dude. That is great. And then I got a critical review from Espelina that says there was no flip.

to this poem in any way at all and it needs more than a little tweaking to make it sound nice. It just sounds whiny and childish. I don't agree with that at all. I disagree. What was her name? And you know what? I'm going to prove Espelina wrong. That's right. This next poem that I wrote.

What did I do? Well, I ain't sure of how this will turn out. But hey, I still love this one. She loved me for so long. Almost a year. But the last two weeks, she was acting weird.

And now I know why. She was trying to get us to split up. Well, out of anger, I did it. I said we were over, almost a perfect couple. Now I sit here in tears thinking, what did I do? Had it all planned out, I had the ring. August 27th would have been our year. I was going to take her out to Olive Garden,

the finest restaurant in Midland. Holy fun. And take her over to the ice skating rink in Odessa. Yep. Fall in the middle of the ring. and then ask, will you marry me? Well, now I can't. My mouth ruined my life,

sitting here in shock. She hung up on me. For the first time, I am scared that I will never hear from her again. Man, I hate her, but I love her. I love her because she just played this big game of love in one. I love her because at times I believe that she loved me, but for now, it was all a past dream. I am ill.

I don't want to go on. What did I do? well I opened my mouth she tries to tell me that I ain't a bad person when deep down in her heart I fear that she doesn't care what do I do scared to drive to see her because I want to kill myself scared to go to sleep because what if I don't wake up

scared to talk and out it thank God for all poetry I am just in too much shock what have I done nothing right is my answer but I guess it is time for her to find someone I thought I was her special someone But, man, love what you have, even if you hate it. What would I do just to hear her say, I love you, Jimmy?

Jimmy. Jimmy, is it right? He is. Mr. Beast? That's my stage name. Oh, Jimmy. That's a good stage name. My stage name is Jimmy.

That was honestly raw. Yeah. It was raw as fuck. Okay, I have one. I have another poem. You keep saying you have one more. I have... What?

What? What? What He's just gone? He just gone, I guess. Went in the bathroom? I have a few more poems. What a fucking asshole.

I know. And I guess the bathroom's on stage. Fucking worst comedy club ever, dude. Who did that? That's fucked. This one is called Too Much Pain. Too Much Pain? But there's already been so much pain in your words.

Yeah, how could there be more pain? How could there possibly be something more pain? The farther I walk into the frightful woods, the darker and closer it gets. Each step that I take, I make another mistake. As I go to sit down on a broken leg, something catches my eye. As I look up into the starry night sky, I realize it was only an airplane. As I retrieve from the broken log, I find the best spot to lay down. I look up at the amazing night sky again.

I begin to let my freezing tears drown my face. I start to remember my past. I start to remember the pain and the hate when I had a family that loved and cared, when I had what I considered a home I don't even know what I have anymore. All I know now is my lost and broken soul that was the past. The thing I cherished the most,

I had to run away from all that pain. This is all I have left with no one to blame other than myself. The purse I paid for running away was harsh. The fact that I don't have a family is too much pain that I will not take. You have no family? This is my final goodbye. Are you going to kill yourself? You're an orphan who's going to kill

himself? Or Yeah You just sit down Yeah just go ahead and sit down Maybe lay off the soda Then you won't have to pee You're peeing that much man

Something's wrong with you Health-wise Okay I have You don't you want to I mean I don't know how many you prepared But I think we're I think the I don't know I mean

Yeah how about you let somebody else have a turn You fucking ass on the list You bitch Okay I don't know if you want to do all of your poems At once as I'm saying You're blowing your load. You keep saying one more.

Okay. You know what? I'll just, I'll sit down. All right? All right. Sit down. Okay. Go ahead.

Sit down. All right. Patrick or Jimmy, everybody. Jimmy. I thought that. That's here for Jimmy. All right. All right.

I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be honest with you. I thought that I was supposed to do all of them right now. Because you weren't paying attention when when the open mic rules were being read. We all know that you were, you were doing skateboarding games. Okay. But that means I'm going to have to start making stuff. up on the spot.

That's fine. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. And it's also your... Improv is something that you can do. It's FUDS, anything goes open, Mike. You can go up there and you could do a hot-up eating test.

It's literally... But get off the stage. Okay. Get off the stage. Anything goes for roughly eight minutes and then you can fuck off maybe. So there we go. Patrick, go on, everybody. Jimmy!

Or Jimmy! Jimmy! Good shit, Jimmy. Great, great, great job, Jimmy. That actually, I mean... That would be a tip tip. Jimmy, what you have just done, it actually brought something into my memory

that I had written that I'd completely forgotten about. Really? Yeah, and I'm seeing that my name is next up on the list. Oh, shit, it is. Yeah, which I forgot that I even signed up that many times. Damn. But this is good because now I have something prepared. See, I signed up as Jimmy

because I thought that if I went up as Patrick, then I wouldn't be allowed to go up twice. But now I know the rules. So now you'll go up as Patrick on the second one? I guess. Okay. No, I think I'll... I guess I'll still be Jimmy.

All right, that's fine. Okay, well, it's my turn. The state is empty right now. Oh, my God. Wow. Keep going for Cam. Wow. And here comes Cameron approaching the stage.

Oh, man. Just button my jacket. Be improper not to. Hey, long time, no see, pal. What's up? I'm not doing comedy this time. Yeah, poet's... Poets don't really do crowd work.

You don't have to worry about me roasting you or anything like that. Because I'm more, this is more... You know what? Fuck it. Roast them. Okay. Just fucking roast him. So, what's up with your facial expression? Are you confused?

Yeah, what's that, your friend? Probably, what are you? Eight months old? Yeah. Get him. Asshole. And I heard you in the bathroom. like this. He was going like that. I heard that too. He's kidding. Yeah. I think he was

coming in there. Oh wait. Hey. Hey, guy in the audience. He wasn't even coming in there. He wasn't even coming in there. He was peeing and making that nice. Wait, ask him about the threesome again and ask him who the two guys were. Hey, who were the two guys were? What? Nobody can hear you. Yeah, how about you leave the comedy to the professionals, okay? And go back to, he's a poet right now. Drinking soda. I wish he'd go back in the bathroom and stay there. I wish he'd go back into his coffin and fucking die. Okay, now we got the laughs out. There's going to be no more laughs after this, right?

This is more of a... Because there's pain in my heart. This is less about pain, and this is more about love, which is what you inspired me to do. Okay. Do something about it. So this is a poem that I wrote in 2010, and it's entitled... And how old are you in 2010?

John. I wasn't born yet. Oh. This is entitled Soul of Blue. And it's a love story from my love. I like love. I used to have love, but then it betrayed me. Take me with you, oh soul, I ask. Will you free me with your peaceful mind?

One can only hope, solemnly pray. Is the tree of souls my only destiny in this life? Will the blue sky of your eyes consume me? Awah, I ask for clarification, for but a balance upon this life. Will we one day be planet Earth friendly, I ask? As long as monetary value be alive, we be set to slavery. Is the world of truth real? Is it viable?

Is cash our unobtainium? There may be no reason to believe, but I wish to. Tots skin, energy unmatchable. legs as long as the heavens with matching butts from a lustworthy world of old. A world of true freedom. Where do I find such beauty?

Ideas loose me, elude me, and trap me, encase, and transfix me. Why does cash mean so much? Possessions are but the seed of deception. The wind of Western socialism slash democracy will eat away at the last of our freedoms. Facts.

The swing of our bleak. blueness within can set us free, but only if we believe. And to my sweet blue princess of pan, I say, I would blend with your ideology, complete unity within seconds, and without a second thought. Your bittersweet arrow could pierce my heart in anger, but your destined path is what is sought by this soul, and I shall receive it within my personal internal grasp.

If only you, my sweet, could find the heart to see, I'm far from a swaggering player. Please. Could have fooled me with that out. It. Yes, sir. For humanity's insights, see me, roll with me, unite with me. I would rather your heart sealed with a loving kiss, my dear love, Natiri, until the setting sun disappears. If but forever a day and a day still, you take my bitterness and make it whole with tender berries of sparkling blue. To me, there is nothing more than the love for our planet, for our species, and especially our people. And that's a poem I wrote about Natiri from Avatar. wow that's amazing my love that is so beautiful that's beautiful thank you thank you so much guys that oh thank you now that's too much that's that's i mean what do you guys say you want to hear another poem yes i mean yeah is it about natiri i don't have i i wrote one about natiri just one

here i'll read let's see here i have i have one short one and then here we go all right i got i got I have two, two short ones that I'm going to finish up here on. Okay. I think, judging by the people in the crowd, I think you guys might like these. Okay. So let's get it popping. Is this a white person? It's for white people?

It's for people who appreciate poetry. Oh, okay. All right. Here's my first of my two. This one is entitled, Thingy. And I wrote this in 2008. Okay. Thingy.

from the tiniest prick to the world's biggest dick penises are great the 14 inch meat to the 2 inch baby I want you now okay all right wait wait hold on wait that's thingy you can't just go up here I mean anything goes I wouldn't say going up there saying

I want a baby dick is saying you want a 2 inch baby I wrote that in 2008 okay so you were also a baby okay well that makes it a little bit better, but you're also performing it in 2000. You're performing it as an adult. You're up there saying oh, your ass poetry is not about

legal boundaries. You're talking about a baby a baby's fucking cock. Limits. You're asking us to enter your little space and I don't want to do that. I don't know what that means. The hell are you talking about. The hell are you talking about. What are you talking about? We've done a bunch of episodes about diaper lovers and you guys don't remember what you mean. I don't know what kind of pedophilic

bullshit you're talking about, but it's not welcome at this. He said he wants a two-inch baby. Okay, and he just reversed my brain again, back to your ass. You're fucking going to get smoked by me. Okay, okay, okay, fine. I'd shoot you right up there, you bastard. Yeah, hands up. Maybe that poem was in poor taste, okay?

Okay. I can admit it, but art is about being messy. Like your diaper. I don't wear a diaper. I wear a suit, and you wear... Fucking bullshit. And this is what I think about your generation. Okay.

This is a poem I wrote in 27th. Bring it on, old bitch. This is a poem I wrote in 2017 called Of a Generation. And this is what I think of you, motherfucker. Okay? Of a generation. Squandered youth. Oh, damn.

He put the mic stand away. Holy fucking... Squandered youth. This generation listens to mumble rap and dabs to Migos and Justin Bieber. Then composing poetry are going outside to reflect shifting yellow black bumblebees or whiffing flowers in a metropolitan park. They'd prefer to dress slutty

in a rancid dim lighting nightclub with crimson red flesh they swiped right on Tinder than valuing masses that gave them liberation. Yep. The blue earth's weary. It impedes me from changing a globe. Yep, I demand a change. And that's what I think of you.

Wait, no, fuck you, old man. Whippersnapper, ankle biters? Whoa, an ankle biter. I'm not that short. You're the one who's talking about sucking on a baby's prick, you fucking asshole. You want a two-inch baby's brick. Yeah, a brick. Shut up.

I never said that. Get off the stage. Okay, I'm going to get off the stage. Motherfucker. All right, well, thank you. That's my time, everybody. Thank you. Keep it going for our wonderful host, Jubio.

Oh, he's up there. He's still on the computer. that we could do about that. Yeah. I thought the Jube would... Well, you guys have inspired me, I think. Yeah. But not so much to do all that kind of...

Let's be honest. Kind of gay poetry stuff. Not that gay. Yeah, it's not really my kind of idea of a good time. I'm going to stick to comedy, but maybe stand-up just isn't my thing. So I'm going to go do my new set. Okay.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo! Caleb Pitts, everybody. One of the funniest guys I know. Oh, he's coming to the stage right now, Caleb Pitts. Ooh-o-oo-a. Oh, ooh-a.

See, I have a multi-talented, multi-hyphenated kind of talent list, okay? And I'll be right. I'm going to change a couple of things up here for just a second. Here, you change that. We'll talk over here. Okay. I'm really excited for this set. Me too.

I have to say. I wonder what kind of crazy-ass shit he's going to get up to. His last set kind of challenged the form, and I'm wondering if he can challenge the form more this time, around. Hey, from what I, I mean, I don't want to just reveal anything too quick, but from what I'm hearing over there, there's a lot of noise. Whoa. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. This is unbelievable. I can't believe what I'm seeing right now. He has changed everything. All right. All right. Wow.

Keep it going, everybody. So you guys kind of woke me up. in a way because I realize that comedy doesn't just have to be about just pure kind of like, oh, this is funny as hell, this is about my life, right? It doesn't have to be so personal. It can also be about the news.

Whoa. Are you guys familiar with maybe Colbert Report, Daily Show, Sam J, that kind of thing, Sam B, Sam A. Sam A, Sam Cedar. The nerdist. Nerdist, like all this kind of crap

is like a combo of fun. comedy but also maybe talking about real crap that actually John Oliver. John Oliver forgot him. Chevy Chase Show. So I have just a bunch of these kind of day, so daily joke. Zach Alfinacus. So here's my December 11th, 2000. Peter Griffin.

And I got to do this. Kent Brockman. And you know I got to do this. Homer Simpson. Cheers America. Here's my December 11th. 2020 Daily Joke monologue. Okay. 42-year-old Vince Carter made history last night

by becoming only the fifth NBA player to appear in 1,500 games. After the game, he was asked by reporters what keeps him going. He replied, tons of Viagra. Damn. Wow. Woo! Did that really happen?

Yeah. In 2011? Yeah. Um, artist Jason DeRulo had an Instagram post removed after he posted a photo of himself in Bali showing his bulge. Derulo responded by saying, I have underwear on. I can't help my size. Hashtag bring back anaconda. Moments later, it was reported that Jason will be starring in the sequel to Snakes on a plane. No fucking way.

Snakes in a pants? The curtains open behind you, by the way. You're giving away too much. What's not going to be snakes in an underwear? It's more like snakes in his trousers. Snakes on a... Probably snakes in a Jane while he's having sex. Oh, Jane.

He's having sex with a girl named Jane. That he does. Jane Fonda. Now, listen up, guys. Hey, quiet down. We're doing TV. Scientists have created a once-a-month birth control pill that works on pigs. Good news for Patrick.

And are now wanting to test it on humans. Upon hearing the news, talk show host Wendy Williams volunteered to be tested on. The group of scientists responded to her act of bravery by saying, yeah, we've already tested on pigs. Whoa. Fat bitch. Wait, this is in 2011? No, this is two years ago. Okay.

The Wendy Williams stuff. Yeah. Which I don't think she was really fat. No, but she had to cancel the show because she got really sick. What? Yeah, Wendy Williams doesn't have a show anymore because she got really sick. Oh, Wendy Williams, that's another person with a show. Yeah.

I just thought of that. And Wendy Williams style comedy. She says the killer. The killer. Yeah. Speaking of pigs, singer Lizzo was spotted twerking in a thong at a Lakers game in Staples Center. As soon as she got up to dance, fans sitting behind her were blown away by their first solar eclipse. Lizzo completely eclipsed the sun.

Were the fans like two years old? The fans were two inches tall. So they got, they were very small. Oh, a two-inch baby. Oh, you could fuck them. I have more news, guys. Guys, great news. Scientists are working on a 1,000-year space mission to save the human race

by relocating it to a hospitable planet. In other words, a planet where pit bulls music doesn't exist. Oh, you got a laugh. You got a laugh from the audience. Wow. We don't even have a cute card. I've had my fair amount of critiques, besides the Emmys, besides of the Golden Globes for my late-night Emmy Awards. Desert Sunrise 84 said, didn't like any of them. And I'm wondering why the ones involving women rely solely on making fun of their appearance.

Which, you know, fair question, agree. And I would say in particular, making fun of Lizzo for being fat, at least the way it's done here, is not only pretty lazy. Sorry, that's not me. I say, thank you. That's how I responded. But that's not all for me. I got plenty of more shit to talk about. And here's...

I'm looking for feedback here on news jokes in the style of a late-night monologue or S&L's Weekend Update. And for some reason, there's a Pokemon as the picture for this... Which one? The one with four arms. Machamp.

Machamp. You're Machamp. So basically, the past couple weeks... I've been this. So guys, listen up, buddy. Thank you very much. Go, my champ, go. Okay, yeah, I'm my champ. Look at Champ shining up there. Oh, look at his shiny

head. Look at how shiny his head is under that light. It's not that shiny. It's pretty shiny. Okay, so maybe I moisturized really, really well today. Bruce got a third eye. You just turned the mic off again. Man, shut your bitch ass up.

Okay, you're like David Letterman and Paul Schuster. Hey, okay. The past couple weeks, I've been writing news jokes for fun slash practice in the style of late-night monologues or SNL's weekend update. But without an audience, it's hard for me to tell whether any of these are actually funny or merely amusing or neither. If you have a minute, please let me know to which degree you found them funny or not. If there were any, if there were any you particularly liked or disliked or any suggestions

you have for me, thanks. Here are the ones I've written so far from most recent to least recent. Okay. While Disney World is building, okay, guys, ready? Yeah. I also want to ask the audience member to behave. He's being distracted. Don't stop.

Say stop. Stop. Yeah. Walt Disney World is building an immersive hotel for Star Wars fans that will let them travel through space in a galactic cruiser. Woo! Yep. Yeah, good news. Disney hopes that the hotel will make them a shipload of money.

Do you want feedback for each one? Yeah. That one was good. That's fine. In Sweden, a seagull flew off with a man's bag of weed just before it can be used as evidence to arrest him. Police says this is not their first encounter with the Seagull Mafia. That'd be good. This one, this needs some work.

That's a two. You need to iterate on that a little. Actually, that's a four because the premise is good. It's a little too true. It's a little too true. The seagull. Buds or the Crips. That would be funnier.

Okay, I'll remember that. In a class action lawsuit, some Canadians have sued Red Bull for misleading them to believe that it would actually give them wings. The same people also want to sue Budweiser on the basis that Bud Light doesn't weigh any less. Okay, I like that one.

It's a thinker, but it's good. It's more of a clever kind of... Yeah, it takes... That's the one where you hear a moment of silence before the laugh start to roll. Guys, here's a good one. A fourth Matrix, movie is under development.

Get excited with stars Keanu Reeves and Carrie Ann Moss set to return. The movie is tentatively titled Neo and Trinity's excellent adventure. I like that one, but they already made that movie. Yeah, they made... That already came out. It's called Bill and Ted. It's called Bill and Ted

Face the Music. A Florida woman, which by way... Ten out of ten. Ten out of ten. I'm not even going to read that motherfucker. I don't even have to because you know that shit's already funny as shit. No, I'll do it.

I got to make this guy happy. A Florida woman was shocked when her dog came back from the groomer with pink ears and green eyebrows. To see what her dog looks like, buy a ticket to Cirque de to Soleil. That's right.

Fuck the Cirque de Soleil. Weird motherfuckers with green and pink makeup. Yeah. Put some real makeup on. What are you doing? Surprisingly, the phrase Taco Tuesdays trademarked by fast food chain Taco Johns, who routinely mails letters ordering other restaurants so stop using it. The company likes to send those letters out on cease and desist Sunday. That's all right.

Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A five-year-old was granted his birthday wish when he got to be a Target employee for a day. So that's a feel-good story. He says for his next birthday, he wants to have a midlife crisis. This is old-ass kid. He's acting all old. Oh, I want to have a job on my birthday.

This kid's an old fuck. He's an old soul. John Huntsman, the U.S. ambassador to Russia, has resigned, citing historically difficult relations. He has also broken up with his girlfriend, citing historically difficult relations. Former Major League. pitcher Kurt Schilling. Let's give it up for the Boston Red Sox real quick. World Series champ.

Who doesn't love the Boston Red Sox? Kurt Sillings got the bloody sock. The bloody sock. That bastard, they couldn't get him off the mound. Uh-huh. And he completely bankrupt to the state of Rhode Island. That's right. To make the best video game ever. Former Major League pitcher Kurt Schilling has announced that he is considering running for Congress. Analyst's question whether he can make it the full term without a reliever. So that's not a very funny one. That one doesn't make sense. He was a relief pitcher. Pretty disrespectful. In a tweet, Donald Trump claimed that he doesn't have a racist

bone in his body. Oh, yeah, Donald Trump, then why are all your bones white? White ass. All white people aren't racist. And if you want to see more in the future, I post these on my Twitter account. Twitter.com slash Alan does the news. I didn't know you had that Twitter account. That's cool. That's me. I'm definitely going to be checking that out.

Yeah, I just have a couple more daily Oh, just a couple more? Yeah, just five daily jokes more. Okay, let's count them down. All right. These are some more stepdad life jokes because you slash goat of thrones asked for them, but not really. Goat of throats. Yep.

The goat, the throat goat? Wait, actually, maybe I want to do a different one. So Caleb asked this question? Caleb is the throat goat. I get my humor from my dad. Do you remember that crazy ice bucket challenge thing from a few years ago? Well, my dad, he died of ALS. Dad is my fucking father died.

My father died of ALS. Lou Gehrig's syndrome. Disease. Is there any more in that joke? That's the topic of the day. Took a lifeguard class. They said sometimes a person who is drowning, terrified moments from death,

will fight you. Even though you're trying to save them. That's what being a stepdad is like, except no one's coming to save me. I'm drowning out here with my fucking step-in' kids. I'm drowning with my stepdad. You're drowning your stepkids? I'm drowning in them. They're so busy. Oh, they're busy. Uh, the boy,

the boy got caught vaping at school. I'm guessing that's one of my two stepkids. Come on, man. Come on, man. Think of your health. People can actually die of that. Of embarrassment. Oh, shit. Um, I've learned a lot from my wife. For instance, I've learned I'm a revolting mud man whose dirt-clothed eyes are incapable of perceiving phil learned that for my wife I can't live without my wife and she can't live without a clean house

if y'all track dirt in here she knows about it into the studio into here my wife used to wake me up early come on get up we got to clean the house I can't really afford it but I need my sleep so I got us a house cleaner my wife still woke me up early come on

get up we got to clean up before the cleaners get here. Stupid bitch. Hiring somebody to clean the house, you fucking bitch. What are you doing? Why are you waking me up? I'm having dreams. About new technology. And then one more joke,

guys, I'll end it on this one. This one, and I'll submit it, pretty racist. This is called this one's called, this one's as good as a simple as a title can come. Chinese Spanish. There's a half Chinese. There's a half Chinese.

half-Spanish restaurant near me. Yeah, I don't know what they served, but I'm pretty sure it has rice. I don't know. And that's all for me, you guys. Thank you for coming out. Oh, my God. That was incredible. That was so good.

Oh, my God. All right. Now, you guys, I'll clean up the... Yeah, we'll break it down. Sure, yeah. So, for me, I'm a huge fan. of late night comedy. I think bringing that to an open mic is...

Me too. A beautiful. Yeah. You would think me being an emo like I am, I would not like late night, but I think when I grow up, I'm going to have a lot of... I think a lot of...

Yeah. Well, it's nice that people like James Corden are bringing emo into late night. They're bringing music and the emotions of youth are being brought into the late night scene. And that is good. I mean, I feel like I was honestly reinventing and reformulating the genre in many ways. Yeah.

And I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of everybody who helped me, including you guys, for giving the feedback on this. I mean, you're great. I think you're ready. I'm glad I could be a part of it. You're ready for primetime. Really? Late night, I mean. All right.

I'm ready. First, oh, my God, you could do the first prime time. The first primetime late night show. Okay. Yeah. That's a good idea. Early night. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'm checking the list here. I mean, what, I'm seeing, I'm seeing, I can't, it's kind of smudged and I can't tell whether it says Jimmy or Patrick Doran. Ah, yeah. It seems like I could say either. And it seems like it could say either. Well, it almost has. Are we?

Because I have, while that was happening, I wrote five more poems. I can't even believe that's possible. Uh-huh. I don't know. I'm a very prolific writer. All right. God bless you. Go do your damn thing.

Go for it, pal. Are you Jimmy? or Patrick. Jimmy. Jimmy, everybody. Jimmy. Go Jimmy. Go Jimmy.

I'm back with more poems about my life. And this one is called D-A-M-N. D-A-M-N. I didn't know exactly how much I loved her.

Here I find myself thinking, you are at a dance without me. Are you dancing with another guy? Are you thinking of me? I didn't know I loved her so much until she started to be wondrous. I didn't know I loved her so much until I couldn't be with her every last possible moment.

But now I can tell you that I know how much I love her. My love for her only gets stronger. People try hard to split us up but never succeed. People said this wouldn't last and tell us to get rid of each other. After nine months, we couldn't love each other anymore than we do now. Sure, we argue. But what normal couple doesn't? We are not normal.

We would do everything to see each other. trying to see you so often, but your mom doesn't like me. I didn't know how much I loved her until her mom said we couldn't be together. I didn't know how much I loved her until we had a near breakup. I can't believe how stupid I was to question your love for me. I know you love me and I wouldn't do anything to hurt me. You wouldn't do anything to hurt us. We are both thankful for what God has given us, each other.

I ask for a kiss, but you give it to me like it is a prize. Baby, your kisses are worth more than any prize I've ever won. I just wish I could get more of my prize more often. I call and I call and hopes to hear your voice But still no answer I worry when I can't hear from you I didn't know how much I loved her Until I thought I was being ignored

I didn't know how much I loved her Until we weren't holding hands I didn't know how much she loved me Until she told me That we couldn't break up I didn't know how much she loved me Until we kissed Until she kissed me seriously

Seriously? I didn't know how much I didn't know she loved at all Until I hear those three little but big words I love you they mean only something they mean only something to a person once in their life so Lacey Ann Horton

I love you wow that was great and now I got another one for y'all sure does anyone care I do yeah I do

yeah raising my hand up in that over here look over here that's the title of it yes I look over here does anyone care yeah I already fucking said I care I care I sit here

on this thing I call a couch. But usually I sit out in when I'm not. Is it not? Is it? This time, things are different. School has been so freaking awesome today. But once I get in the car

is when the life hits the fans. I try to pretend to be everything is okay. But only if you truly knew me deep down. I am a sad and miserable man. Nobody asked or do they care. I tried to be a good boyfriend. But no, everything I say always comes out wrong. I walk you upstairs.

I find out you are mad at me. What am I to do? I'm just a helpless young man. You think I would cheat again? No one in this world trusts me. Why? What did I do wrong? I came home as soon as I walk in the door before I can even set my stuff down.

I am getting yelled at. My life is officially going to end in one month. A marriage can ruin a family. Will it kill mine? I only have two months until I'm 16. I only have two years and two months. until I'm out of this miserable house. Wow, only two years.

Well, I guess I am done. No one cares to hear about my miserable life. Oh, you're only 16? Oh, no, you're 15. You're 15? You're married? You have a family? I propose to Lacey Ann Horton, I guess.

The most beautiful woman in all of Texas. The most beautiful woman in Midland, Texas. I'm pretty sure. How old is she? I think she's also 16. I think they were both 16. Posen to a 16-year-old. Got it on.

Cam. Okay, Jimmy. Okay, well, here's another Here's another poem. Jimmy. That's Jimmy. That's Jimmy. Jimmy can be a creep pervert. Yeah. Well, he's also 16. Jimmy probably idolizes pito bear. Damn.

I just saw a picture of that for the first time. Really? Yep. What did you think of the design? I thought the design was actually mad, original. Yeah, it is. It is. Here's another, here's another poem I got here. I can't stand.

I just wish that people would tell me the truth I hate it when you tell me that you love me but could be careless to treat me like it I can't stand it when you tell me that you are not talking to a certain someone but you shut off your phone and I check your messages only to hear hey look I'm sorry for what happened earlier

I'm so sorry but please quit ignoring me I can't stand it I can't stand it anymore no more lies I have done what you have asked for and you have lied to me since May I swear that I don't talk to him, Jimmy. He just leaves messages. Trust.

Trust when you just prove my point. I check your messages and hear his voice yet again. And here he is. Apologizing for what happened earlier. What exactly happened earlier? It just helps prove that while I'm at work, you are lying to me and messing around on me. I can't stand to be lied to anymore.

I can't talk to anyone anymore. If I try, I have nothing but problems to talk about. And I am emo, just hug. I am seriously on the edge of just kissing my life goodbye. No, no, don't do that. The one reason I had to live, but the pain I'm sitting here crying, is that what you want? It's to make me cry once a night over you? Well, you let me be my, well, let me be your genie in a bottle.

Wish granted, I can't stand it. Four. It's VIs, that's Roman numeral, that's Roman numeral four, right? Yeah, that's six. Six. Six. Six. I try really hard in life and never get a good job or any kind of compliments.

But I bet you didn't know that I am sick to my stomach, did you? No, you did never ask me what's wrong? Do you care? Honestly, do you care? Well, the only thing I'm saying is, I love you. Damn. Lacey Ann Horton. Holy shit.

Fucking damn, dude. What I wouldn't be, kill? to be lacing. What I wouldn't, who I wouldn't kill. Here's an editor's note from the comments. Hey, I was at the movies with two managers. We were supposed to talk about me getting a raise, but instead they went off and told me that they were going to the concession stand,

and I get a text saying that they would talk to me later. They had found out some of their friends to go party with, so I sat in my car as it was overheated and laid in my trunk watching cars in soccer or something like that. But you were on my mind the whole time. I love you, sweetie, and I thought that you promised me. No more cutting. Well, are you okay?

What happened at the hospital, baby please tell me that you are okay i have to work a double shift tomorrow but i will stop by on my time off if my car doesn't overheat it overheated on the way home from them damn movies too i have been stranded on the side of the road since 1 30 it is 3 30 i am so tired but if you can text me to tell me if it is okay to come over i love you so much and of course we are still together i love you i wish you could have been there in my trunk with me i was so scared it is dark and it is outside i've never been more scared in my life well baby I'm so sorry for putting you through so much stress

but I will make it up somehow I promise this to you I love you I'm going to go to bed Moa Hey speaking of cutting How about you cut a rug up there Show us your dance moves That's nice

Damn All right Is that sound getting picked up? Yeah it's great Sounds great I have two more poems here Two more All right

Okay I'm buckling in This one's pretty short Hit it I think you're pretty and short Okay take it off what take off your clothes

I'm not taking off your clothes you stripper these are my these are my poetry outfit strip strip strip strip all right I'm gonna start this I'm gonna start this poem right now

this guy wants you to strip to show it all I'm not doing it I want all the ladies and the boys to see you let me start my poem God damn it and strip it off and this is a poem about really just the pain in my heart

okay is about the pain in my heart. African's Goliath Frog. Goliath Frog throws his tummy around. Rainforest is where he is often found, snapping up shellfish blue, consuming litterler frogs too, slurping up insects with nary a sound.

Wow. Metaphorical. Okay, now make like a frog and towed off all your clothes. Yeah, hop out of those. Jump out of that. Hop out of those lily packs. Maybe this final poem. maybe this final poem

will give you exactly what you want your armpits take off your croaks let me fuck her like the island boys talking about beating up that cooter

fuck her so aggressively she's going to need a riding scooter I'm going to screw her like the pair but I'm going in single talking about that luscious pinkness

we all need a little chat and mingle she can handle this sex talking about making her legs go stanky smelling like the goodest of goods and the dankiest

of danky that smell you know what i mean not the kind that reeks of fish i may be from the island but this is what my one true wish signals straight to johnson and johnson pheromones that make your blood boil this spring is cocked and loaded talking about re ready to uncoil she beats on my hourglass trying to remove the sand from inside talking about that island boy sex i'm gonna come as hard as the tide i'll stooge on her head like tats cover my face talking about connect the dots and get the fuck out of my place. Damn. That it? Oh my God damn. Jimmy, everybody.

Jimmy! All right, keep it going for Jimmy. That was incredible. It's some incredible poetry. Great. Well, I think that's pretty much it for the open mic, right? I mean, if you guys would have me, I would love to close it out. Oh. Headliner?

With a, just, it is. It's Fuds. Anything goes open, Mike. Anything truly goes. And I've prepared. I love to see this. I won't even tell you what I've prepared. Okay. But I'm just going to go and do it. Just go do it.

Here's this. And I'm on the ones and twos. Cameron Fetter, everybody. Look at this tall motherfucker. He's looking like that. Mike Stand. He looks like his name is Mike Stand. That's how he got so tall.

From standing. Hey. You enjoyed the show. show down there, buddy. How are you feeling? Good, ready for it to be over? Let's see, you can go home and eat another weak-ass Thanksgiving plate.

Oh, shit! I mean, seriously, bro. What I saw on your plate was ham and sweet potatoes and two rolls. And that's it. That's all he had on that plate. Okay, all right, but this is not why I came up here.

This is not what I came up to do. I thought that that was going to be the whole finale. Can you imagine? If that was the whole finale, honestly, I wouldn't be able to handle it because my sides would be split. I would have him writing Jimmy poems about taking his life. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

He'd be cutting his shit wide open. If I roasted him for 30 minutes. Damn. Well, he doesn't have that Lacey and Horton, though. Oh, hell go. She's a different type of girl. Yep. Beautiful, honest, and smart.

Mm-hmm. He's probably got Steve Lacey and Horton, his two. Boyfriends. Yep. Okay. All right. He's got an elephant boyfriend. Just keep cooking his ass.

All right. Okay. Here we go. Here we go, guys. Are you ready? Okay. I walk a lonely road. Only road that I have ever known.

Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind. Tell the bottom of me and I walk alone. My shadow

My shadow Only one that walks beside me My shallow hurts the only thing It's me Sometimes I wish someone would come and mind me Me Keep going Hill Henna

Fuck alone Oh my fucking God Thank you, everybody, for coming to Fuds. Anything goes open mic? Get on up here. Get on up here. Everybody, you know what they do at the end of an open mic. Everyone who was on the list comes up on stage.

Wow. What a great... I don't think I've ever cried from singing before. And that was one of the most beautiful fucking things I've ever... That was more beautiful than any of my poems. I failed up on Strundle.