Podcast About List - Ep. 221 - Snowed In: How to cook and consume a human body

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Welp, we're officially trapped in the office due to the large amount of snow, guess we'll just have to eat Patrick's delicious body. Oh well... Watch the video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and D&D episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

It's time to leave the office. Oh look, let's go home. Oh, wait, it's completely frozen shut. What the hell? It's like an icy tundra out there. Yeah, that almost means what? It means that we can't even get out of the door. We're snowed in! Doesn't matter to me.

I'll give a shit. And it's my birthday in six months. Okay. Why are you guys just sitting there completely still? Because I didn't know we started yet. You waited for you to press that button. You guys always start it instantly. No.

We're going to restart right now. We're going to reset. Ready? Oh, fuck. It's cold in here. Are you silently chattering your teeth? That's not. Island.

Wait, hold on. I can hear that shit from here. I'm hearing a little bit of that. I can hear that from here. Hey, here's a question, you motherfucker. You island, motherfucker. How come you don't have a puffer jacket on if it's so damn cold?

This is what you wear when it's cold. I got you. I see all these guys flying around the ice wearing this. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. That's why Kevin Smith always wears one. This is not Halloween. Yeah, it is.

That's the Christmas creep. That is not a Christmas creep. There's no Christmas creep. There's no Christmas thing as the Christmas creep. We's right there. So what do you mean? there's no such a question. Here's a question. If there's such a Christmas creep going around, name three of his attributes. Skeletal. Okay. Hooded? That sounds, that sounds right.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good. A poned jersey? Yeah. The last one doesn't count. He's on your jersey. He doesn't... Oh, my God, it's true. I was right. His third attribute was completely correct. Sometimes I'll have to find out about the first two, I guess. I hate how smart you are. Yeah. It's really. It pisses me off. It makes it so hard to argue with you. I'm running circles around you. you guys. Christmas circles. He's 50 steps ahead.

See, in a Christmas circle, see, I would say a Christmas circle doesn't exist, but I know goddamn well you're going to prove it to me. You're going to pull on these Christmas circles out of your ass.

You don't hang Christmas circles on your tree every year? Yeah, you always, whenever we cut to you, you're always way farther than us. You're on your own little island. Look at you. There's because this thing,

I can't move any further than this is the closest I can move. It's almost like turning my old desk into the table we used for the podcast was kind of, kind of a bad idea what's bad about it it works fine what i can't sit where i'm sitting hey i think we just need to get a little bit closer i think that i think that we learned something which is that you think that an ornament is called a christmas circle no it's a wreath an ornament

a wreath is a christmas circle you don't put a wreath on a tree you put a wreath on a tree why would you put extra pine i said dozens too you're like dozens of wreaths on your tree i got my tree yesterday. Yeah? For real? Yeah, I went out right before I got this cold and we got all snowed in. The last thing I did was I got a Christmas tree. We have a little fake light-up tree.

A small fake one. Did you get a real one? You can't get one. You can get one. No, Mo, I woke up at three in the morning last night because Mo had the zoomies. No, that means you can't get a tree. No, he will topple that shit. You'd be too tired to take care of it.

He weighs less than a pound. He can't topple a tree. He will topple anything in the house. He knocked over my flat. Did you knock you over yet? Flowers are a lot easier to knock over. Flowers are like a baby tree. Has he knocked over your refrigerator yet?

No. You know what he did do? That's coming. He last night, he bit me in my sleep. No. Yeah. He's a biter. I don't know why he bites me.

Probably because he's a cat. Yeah, it's probably because of that. He's just like his owner. He's a buyer. He steals rap. Oh, he does. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah.

The other day, we were walking on. the train we're walking on the train yeah and he's and he we're a subway surfing we're doing like uh we're walking on top of the train and he looked at me and he said ask bevis i get nothing but head and i was like oh that's a pretty clever little line yeah go home big L yeah 93 free he had he took a big you took a big old i said dead in the middle of little italy little did we know the riddled some middleman didn't do dilly yeah and he said all that crap and i said that was great pat would you came up with that no turns out he ripped that off some spaniards yeah what Yeah, big, big, uh, big fat Joe and big fat pun. A couple of span your friends. Only one big fat guy I care about in this season.

Who's that? Santa. Mr. December. Santa Claus himself. Oh, well, I was right. I thought you're talking about Mr. December from the fireman, the calendar I have. No, I call Santa Claus Mr. December. Why? He comes around in December and he's a boy. I would say that Christ would be much more Mr. No, Christ is Mr. Worldwide. Master December. I like that more. than Mr. Worldwide. This Worldwide already has it. There's already a guy who does that. I like that your hat is backwards today. I like that your hat is a non-existent today. Up top.

Down low. I've decided to show off my Norwood 3. It's going to punch in on this. Like North Pole 3. Damn. See that? This is the pole right here. And it goes like, ooh.

Yeah. I've got three years with this left. I've got three years with the front of my hair. That's what I thought one year ago. Yeah. you're done i'm not done you're fucking done i'm i'm gonna be fine you're dug no you will die yeah yeah one day well i don't have the thing you i don't have the the spot yeah zoom in on that you're getting a little spot it's not that big though it's not that big yeah

yeah a little you could it's not that big it's not that big it's not it's not big it's not you can get a spray you do you have a bald spot right here though yeah and i would say you have some, like your ears have almost no hair on them. Yeah. And like, right here. The camera's doing the blurry thing again. Just shut up. Your ears have, your neck has basically nothing, there's no hair over here. You know where I do grow hair is

right here. You don't grow hair any hair on my head. Oh, you do grow hair. Yeah, I grow hair right under my eyeballs. That's so crazy. Yeah. I have a beard that goes up to your eyes. And then it goes up there. But then this, this doesn't connect to my mustache. This is all the hair. No, no, no. You saw

when I, on a Saturday, I said, you guys. It clearly does. It was like the, like, right there, there was just a patch that was, oh, not this side. It's this side. There's hair all over your face. You're crazy. There's hair.

There is proof of this. There's proof right in front of me that it is on your face. Have you ever thought about growing out a big beard? Yeah. Have you ever done anything close to that? You used to have a little bit of a beard. Yeah, I had a beard when we first started hanging out. Yeah, but it was more chin strappy.

I feel like the name would grow now. It had like a perfect chin. strapped in my head. You were misremembering a lot of things. No, I think I remember a lot of things. One thing. I think I remember you're just looking at photos. Yeah, you used to look like, this guy.

Yeah, you used to look like this. Yeah, that's what I used to look like. I remember you used to look like this. Patrick Doran, family tree. Man, you look wide here in this shot. I know, and I'm blurry. Yeah. Because we never figured out the.

You need to learn to keep your mouth shut. You are an awful radio personality. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm saying it. I can't believe you've been doing this so long. You're just never got any better. No. Maybe got worse, actually. Well, it's worse now that we got video because now all I can see is that the fucking camera is blurry as shit.

Well, that's because it's fucking frozen over because we're fucking locked and snowed in here, which we've barely even mentioned so far, but we've been trapped in here for a week. What's your worst favorite, least favorite part of being completely trapped in an underground bunker with your friend? Probably that it's snowing in 53 degrees. The fact that it's 53 degrees outside and it's still not melting. The doors are fucking frozen shut. We can't get out of here. It sucks ass, dude.

Dude, there's snow all over the set. I don't know if people can see this. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. There's snow. I bet you guys didn't. It's so cold to touch. Don't touch it, man.

You don't want to touch that stuff. It's so wet. And I just realized what. That it's snow. It's snow. Did I what? Don't worry about what it is and just put it back. Did I what, Patrick?

Did I take the inside of a couple of adult diapers that we have laying around the office and turn the filling into the filling into it? to snow. That's exactly what you did. Yes, maybe if it wasn't actually snowing in here and I wanted to maybe sell the fact that there was some snow around the office, then yeah, that'd be a fucking

good idea, and maybe I should work for Martin Scorsese in Hollywood, but... You should. I was looking at it, and I was like, oh, this looks like it would be crunchy, but no, it's diaper innards. No, you're a diaper nerd. You're the diaper nerd.

We're like nerd and diaper. No. diaper and nerds Oh yeah Nerds Well you guys started making me Wear those diapers that we had Because we're snowed in

You guys are sick of my farts in the bathroom That's the worst part The diapers do catch farts The toilet completely froze solid So we've just been taking craps That just lay on top of a sheet of ice They're little bugs playing hockey on the toilet It's disgusting with our craps

With our crap pucks Here's the thing about bugs man Why do you want to eat Why do you want to eat? He's saying it All right I'll go in on bugs for a minute Hey, flies, why do you want to eat fucking shit? Mm-hmm.

What do you... Talk that talk. That's nasty. Yeah. That's disgusting. Hey, cockroaches, you're nasty. Kill yourselves. Hey, cockroaches.

What's that first part of your name all about? Kind of suss. And what's that second part? What are you? A bug? Yeah, because you smoke penises. What? Cockroach, like a roach.

Oh, like a roach. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's puff, puff, puff. I was telling him I have a new technique for weed. where I don't smoke it, but I eat it like 10 minutes before I fall asleep. So I'm not living while I'm high at all.

I only am high while I'm in my dream. And last night I had a dream that I had a pet mouse named T-Tay-T-T-T-T-T-E-T-T-E-T-T got lost. You could make that a reality at any point. T-T-T-T got lost. T-T-T is such a good name for a pet mouse. And T-T-T-T-T-T-T. Tatee the mouse. Tatee got lost last night.

That is really good. And so the best part of the weed thing. I want to get an office mouse now. The best part about doing weed like this is that you get awful dreams like this where Tatee gets lost. And then I wake up. And so I wake up from this like very disorienting dream. And I wake up and I'm the highest I've ever been in my entire life to go piss. And I go piss.

And I'm sitting there and I'm like, I wonder if I'll ever see fucking Tatea again. And then I go back to sleep and he's gone. Yeah. Like he never existed Yeah He was hanging out with my dog In this dream And they were both in a blanket for it

That's nice And I loved him so much And I'll never see him again I think you have to get a pet rat That is so, dreams are so cruel man Teetey Dreams are so fucking cruel I really really want you to get a pet rat now

A mouse A mouse whatever Taye That's the same thing How awful is it that in dreams You can in your brain conjure up something that you love more than anything, dude.

I love Tatei more than I love my fucking mom or my dad. I loved Tatee. You could feed... I loved to... And I felt like I felt like I'd lost my child in an amusement park when he was lost in the blanket fort and I started getting scared.

You got lost in the blanket for it? He was in the blanket for it and then I opened up the blanket for it and I said, surprise Tatee, it's time to sing your song and he was fucking gone. He was fucking gone. He was gone. I didn't get to the point where I heard the song

in the dream, but I knew that he had a special song that I would sing him to make him go to bed. So the T-Tay saga basically completely ended with me opening up the blanket fort. Where the fuck's Tatee, my pet mouse? He's nowhere. I see my dog. I'm not even going to get to hear a song. And then I look or, oh, this was the worst part.

I look around and I'm like, where the fuck is Tatee? Where is my baby? And I look around and there's a cat roaming. No. So the last feeling I have. It was actually. The last feeling that I have in my dream, the last. The last thing I had before I woke up and I had to come into work now, or I was trapped in here, I mean, is that my last feeling was that I think that Tatei, my pet mouse I've had my entire life, is 25 years old.

My pet mouse was eaten viciously by a cat. A black and white cat. Like Moe. Yeah, maybe. It was a bigger, it was a bigger cat? Most cats are black cat. Was he big, but he was big in the way that his stomach was really big and it was shaped like a mouse? I don't think I'm eating a mouse would make your stomach all that big.

A cat is very small. Well, a cat could be small enough that his stomach swirled up. What are you doing? Guys, it's time to be real. Oh, I knew one day we'd come to this. I think you're going to have to miss this one. Yeah? Or you have to do it right now.

He's already taking it. Wow, he doesn't even know what I want me in it. Wow. And you don't get to retake that. No, no, no, no, no. See? Let's get a punch in on this. Okay, let's not.

that's awful that was a bad one and also you ruin my tetei and yeah i'm hungry as fucking i'm gonna eat patrick that's fine that's fine why would you eat patrick because he was on be real true yeah i really have that's been the

first thing when i get angry at somebody or something annoys me yeah recently the first thought in my head is i'm going to eat you did you ever get mad at a mouse yeah named tete Not yet. Is that a weird name to have in my head? Tatei.

You guys made me feel really self-conscious about my mouse. What? No, we didn't. Why are you self-conscious about the mouse? We were smiling. I'm just kind of, I don't know. It was just weird. I think what you should do is make that a reality.

I think that you should make... Dude, you know how fucked up it would be for me to feel, to be like, okay, well, I had this mouse that I loved in my dream. His name was Tatee. I need to meet him in real life. and then, like, try to find a mouse that fits the personality that I actually fucking... What was his personality like? He was playful. He was a little bit mischievous, right?

Yeah, that would be really hard to find a house. He loved in a mouse. That's probably one of the rarest personality. He loved cheese. He loved cheese. He loved snacks. Wait, can you describe what his ears looked like? What are they, like, was this a realistic mouse?

They were perfect. They were, like, little, like, pink, just, like, triangles kind of that came off his head. He had a little... Or a polygonal mouse. He had eight legs. What the fuck are you debugging an urban dictionary right now, Jubio? I was trying to hack Urban Dictionary. You ruined his bit.

He was going to probably cut to that. I'm going to cut to him. Whoa, we're going to cut up Patrick and maybe his body. Why do you have so much stuff going on recently? Huh? Just you're like a fucking fidget spinner, man. Yeah, I didn't take my Adderall today. So I'm crazy.

And I also took my crazy stuff. What's this? What the fuck? What the fuck is that? What the fuck? It's my crazy spray. Pazat. What did you miss?

I've talked about it before. I've been doing that. You've been using this? Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ, bro. This is a cowboy bebop drug. You're going to die.

You're going to turn it to the fucking thing. You're just casually sprayed it in your mouth. You're going to be the fly, dude. Look at how much good stuff. stuff is in there. Nyacin? Nothing that sprays in your mouth is good. What are you talking about?

I'm going to read this. I need to read this. Taste five mists spray all day. Oh, this is batch number OB1B. So you know it's good. That was the good batch. So what is in this? It's caffeine.

It's apple. And it tastes terrible. What are you doing this? Why are you doing this, man? I just didn't have enough pizzazzazz. this is what the something is seriously just wrong but it's got electro lights in it too is that it doesn't look like it had cat it doesn't say anything about caffeine no that's because it's only oh this oh this is you also you didn't do enough pat the serving size is 10 mists

yeah but i'm only doing two because i had a ghost earlier can i try yeah let's go ahead oh that is oh that's so awful i told you it's bad missed my mouth yeah i told you it's really bad. Why do you do that? Because it has energy. It has energy. Well, that's actually Mad Max Fear Road. And you're not supposed to spray more than two bottles a day. You're doing the chrome thing. That's a big problem. People are always like, I'm going for three

bottles in the energy mist. Three bottles of day. It's 24 milligrams of caffeine. Per what? For spray. Per spray. And it wants you to do 10? That's not true. Well, 10. There's not 24 milligrams in a spray. Think about it, per spray, that's the same as, like, one Red Bull. No, it's not.

For spray. 24? I think five sprays is close to one Red Bull, right? Because a Red Bull is 80 milligrams of caffeine. Well, the serving size is 10. So 24. 24 times 10, that's 240. It's 24 per spray.

That's the same as a rock star zero. Well, here, what? Okay, regardless of that being a cyberpunk thing that will turn you into, a gray sludge. Yeah, I'm going to get cancer. You need to ration it out because we're snowed in and you're going to waste it all. True.

And that's going to be our last food. And what I'm going to tell you is I'll diluted with water. It sounds like maybe I'm warning you for your own sake, for like, okay, we're going to run out of food. But I'm mostly because that's the last food we have in there. And once you run out of that, we're eating you.

Oh, yeah. And also, this is just for your own safety. For our sake, please stop putting sprays and bad chemicals in your body. that would make your meat taste rancid. And don't drink out of plastic cups or anything. Nothing that could put any... Any microplastics, no sorts of any...

No sex with hose. That's most of my food and my sex. With hose? Yes. Mysterious hose. Oh, I think you said a hose. Mysterious back alley hose. I've been putting my penis in the hose.

Can you get... That's not good either. The hose that iced us in? There's particulates. You know, the hose that we left running and now there's all that ice. Yeah. Basically filled up both of the basement doors. Yeah.

Yeah, it sprayed hot water It was basically like putting my penis on the jet in a hot tub But then it went cold Yeah Yeah Went to the bath house It's like a weekendical worm How'd you like that?

Oh, it was great But I did Did you get into the cold water? Yeah Yeah, it's good right The cold water's the best part It scared the crap out of me I thought my heart was going to stop

It scared you No, it can't If it's too cold Which that's not that cold But if it's really really cold It can give you a heart attack Yeah I like dropped in

I went in I have Did you dunk Head under? No. Oh, Pussy. Come on.

I was too scared of getting a heart attack. But it's like 50 degrees. I already put energy mist in my body. I think that's something like that could kill me. No, that's why you need to do stuff that's good for you to counteract all this awful shit you do yourself. I've been drinking beet juice. I don't think that does anything. Just straight beet juice and ginger.

I don't think that really does much. Well, tell that to Dr. Seppi. I think he died. Tell that to my doctor, Dr. Sebi. That's your family. doctor, that's your general practitioner? A different guy, he's a white. Oh, okay.

He's a white doctor named Seby. Okay, all right, that's fine. Well, his name is Sebastian. His name is Dr. Sebastian. Sebastian. Sebastian Goldman. I've been thinking recently that maybe I have cancer because my dog has been really, really

trying to sniff my balls all the time. And I wasn't thinking about it that much. And then I found out that dogs sometimes can smell cancer in somebody's body. You know what else? I don't think Phil could smell cancer. Do you know what else dogs can react to that humans don't? Is ghosts.

Your balls are probably haunted. I've seen. By who? I've seen what Phil does, though. The ghost of your damn balls? That sucked. No. It's a handshake.

It's got a bump. You're giving me a handshake. I'm not bumping the mic. I'm not giving you a handshake. I think you two have brain freeze. No. And me, I had way too much coffee this morning. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm in a prison, yeah. Yeah. I just need to. I'm in a bone cage. You should try this energy mist, man. I don't think that's a good idea. I feel fucking embraceable. Here, you could also, you could try one of these.

What's that? A camel blue. It's this thing. Can't smoke that inside? These are, I'm, guys, I'm trying to. I'm not going to smoke it. Ever since we've been doing video, I've got, I have two sponsors now. Wait, are we allowed to do this on YouTube?

Actually, three sponsors. I don't think so. Ah, we hate that. I hate that crap. The third sponsor is Blistics. I've been doing this. I'm going to go ballistic on you if you don't fucking stop

taking shit out of your pockets and talk about something funny like football. This is funny. She would never do that. Ruth Bader Ginsburg would never do that. That's why she died. All right, well that...

The little of the edgy humor we're known for. We need to be masking up when we record. That's a good point. Yeah, that's really... Because I forgot to tell you guys before we got snowed in. I have COVID. That'd be fine.

You have COVID? I guess that doesn't matter because it's not like we can leave. It's getting to that time of year where every year, the last couple years, I've been getting to this time of year, I've been like, oh, man, I hope I get it. Yeah. I'm probably about to get it. I bet you I'll have it tomorrow.

Again? I'll bet you $1,000 I have it tomorrow. Remember that one time we all recorded together and you're like, no, it's just my allergies. It was my allergies and then it turned into COVID. I don't remember if that's where I got it or if I got it somewhere else. No, I think you did get it from there. I was the only one who didn't get it. So I think that I may be

gave it to you. Uh, yeah, I think I, 100%. I think I got it in Seattle from one of you guys. Yeah. Or from one of our disgusting fans. Or from all of those goth clubs we were going to. No, they don't have COVID in Goth. Yeah, no, they scare it away.

Yeah. They don't have COVID, but they have Covina, who's a woman who walks around. They have Corvd, who's a guy dressed like a crow. Yeah. True. Pretty scary. That was the layup there. Yeah, God damn it. I laid it up with Corviz.

Laid up that Corvid. Corvid was the obvious one. That's an easy-ass way up. Yeah, hopefully you do have COVID because I think your flesh will taste kind of exquisite in a new way. It'd be like dry age. A different flavor. I really, I thought, okay, the other day I left a steak in my fridge for a day straight and it turned black. So listen, so I didn't eat it, but I did cut part of it to see if maybe the inside was good.

Yeah. It wasn't. But I was thinking maybe I probably could have eaten that and it would have tasted kind of dry aged. No. You don't know. Are you just the fun police? You don't know because you aren't, you aren't doing anything that Googa does. But what's the difference between leaving it in there in a bag versus leaving it next to an open bowl of yogurt?

The bag. The bag is a membrane. You guys are learning to cook from Guga. I'm learning to cook stuff from Google. Yeah. Finding recipes on Epicurious.com. I'm going on Google and I'm looking up Guga Foods. Because I don't know how to use like YouTube.

YouTube search bar. YouTube is owned by Google. I really want to eat a dry age sake. I've never had one. Me neither. I really want to do it. Do they age it in a special situation like they do with alcohols? They put it into a secret's bag.

And then they put it into a degree controller that controls how much, how. Do you know how they do things like a fridge? You know how they do stuff like with like whiskey and stuff where like this was aged in like a haunted mansion? Yeah. Do they do stuff like that with a day? It's like that. But, I mean, can you get a stake that it's like, oh, like, this is aged in a castle. I do.

It is awesome that there's so much cheap whiskey that's like, we age this in a barrel that you have barbecue sauce in it. Doesn't that sound like it's worth $40? That's so cool, man. It is awesome. Yeah. We put out a cigarette in this whiskey, and you're tasting, you're like, oh, yeah. I can taste a cigarette. I can taste that.

I'm starting a whiskey brand, and my whiskey is going to be aged on a roller coaster. Oh, wow. That's good. It's the most fun brand. It's called Fun Time Whiskey. And you drink it and you say, Wahoo! Yippee!

And you put your hands up when you drink it. You can't control what people say when they drink your whiskey. But it makes you do that because you can taste the fun. It really tastes like a roller coaster experience. Just shut up. Look at the green stuff. Just shut up. Oh, why is my eye itching?

Oh! I'm going to make your eye stop itching. I'll put them back on because I need to read. You don't need to read shit. No, I think that you would be better off. Hey, you need to read two more words in your life. The end. That's what you see when you die.

Damn. It says the end in front of your eyes. That's a little far. Yeah, he's been bringing up a lot of fucking nonsense. He has to die for us to eat him. I'm not going to kill him. COVID's going to kill him. That's actually a wonderful point.

I'm not saying like I'm going to, okay. Like, but I'm going to sign a piece of paper. You know what we need? Oh, yeah, because we're going to do your DNR because you're going to be on life support after you. I think I do have a, I think I have a DNR. you have a dnr at age 25 yeah yeah what why have it on my license you know you're a you're a you're a you're i don't have organ donor no no no you're i don't have organ donor on it i have i have do not resuscitate you better not have organ donor on your fucking license

after what i have i have i do have what you know what and i do so pissed off if i do have if i got your green kidney i would fuck it's going to kill you 50 times what are you talking about My shit's all strong. I have so many preservatives in me. No, that's not how it works. Yes, it does. No, you're young. You will die at 31.

You will die. I have a do not resuscitate because I misheard them when I was, when I was like signing all this stuff and figured it. And I thought that I was saying, please kill me if I'm ever inside a cobra. That'd probably be scary to be in a cobra. Yeah. I don't want to be in a cobra. Ma'am, I'm sorry to say, we had to put your son in a cobra, a medically induced. We had to medically put your son in a cobra.

I have a, I have a, I also have a DNS. A cobra. Yep. He's in a cobra. I have a DNS on that bed. It's a do not sussitate. What does that mean? It means, look, you don't need to resuscitate me.

You can resuscitate me. You can resuscitate me all I want. But once I'm sussitated, that's it for me. I only need it once. Watch this. All right, Daffy Duck. Thuthitate. That's Sylvester.

That's Sylvester the cat, yeah. What am I a fucking tune genius? You have to make me the king of all fucking tunes? Shut the hell up. You think I still pay for boomerang? Yeah. Dude, I want to pay for boomerings. I keep the boomerang icon on my Roku channels just so I can look at it.

It doesn't look good. It just has Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo. You look at it. I just love seeing that between Netflix and YouTube. There's a picture of Scooby-Doo for me to look at it. Damn. You know you can get a screen saver on Roku. Yeah, it just automatically sets mine.

It sets it to, like, whatever new movie just came out. And I like it that way. They should make a scream shaver, like a tooth tune. Rage blade. Oh, and you... Oh, every time... Yeah. It startles you.

Pretty good. Every single time. We have the screensaver on the TV at my house. They downloaded an app that's just pictures of monkeys. And there's this one picture of a monkey going, like... And every time I leave the TV on... on, which is a monkey going. When I leave my TV on it goes to Roku City.

Dude, my fucking... I'd like to go to Roku City. My fucking screensaver on my shit is... It's connected to my mother-in-law's phone. Oh, yeah. So it's just every picture on her fucking phone. So it's just, and she does, like, real estate shit. So sometimes it's just like a picture of a house or a sign

or, like, all these people from their church that I don't know who they are. And so if we have people over there, like, oh, who's this? Is this your family? And I go, I don't know who this is random people. And these people have no idea. idea that they've been beamed onto my television for three years now. You can change that at any time, though. I don't know how.

Google it. What? I don't know how. I don't care. It's funny. Sometimes I see a real. There's this one guy who's on there. The slogan of our generation.

I don't care. It's funny. There's this, whoa. There's this one guy who's on my TV basically every 16 to 17 minutes who is like 600 pounds big. And he's so, and every time he comes up, I laugh. Yeah. Every time. There's ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends of the family that I haven't seen in years on there,

and they just all look right at me. There's a guy who comes on my TV sometimes, who's 600 to 700 pounds. Yeah, when I turn the TV off, I'm fat as hell. Come on, you're not that fat. Come on. You're like 600 pounds. You're like maybe three or four hundred pounds. And I show up in the reflection.

I saw a Seinfeld joke the other day that just a full lie that he did on stage, where he's like, and I'm three. hundred pounds. Yeah, I'm a fat guy. The joke was he's talking about a new, he's like, I saw a new story the other day about the world's fattest man. He's 1,600 pounds. And I guess the joke was from the 80s where people would believe that.

Yeah. Nobody was 1600 pounds. No way. His whole joke was that even if he lost 400 pounds, he said there'll be 1,200 pounds. Nobody's ever been that big either. So annoying, dude. I was like, you, the. 1,600 pounds.

Maybe you meant grams. Google what is 1,600 pounds? Just let's get some examples of stuff that is 600 pounds. Things that are 1,600 pounds. Because 2,000 pounds is a ton, right? But it really pissed me off. I was like, I can't believe. Oh, yeah, so that's $2,000.

$1,900. No, none of these people are $1,600 pounds. Search things that are 1,600 pounds. People get to be 700 pounds. People get to be 750 pounds. Here we go what, wait. No, go back. The first result was the thing we're looking for.

Here we go. Several breeds of cattle. Okay. He may have been talking about a cow. He may have been talking about the Hereford Angus. I may be messed up really bad and he was just talking about a cow. In the end, Cole, Watsui, Watusi. You know, now that I think about it, it was a cow.

This cow! Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That looks like one of those long-haired cows. Okay, now can you pull up the next tab for me, Julio? Just the next tab you have open. Just pull it, yeah, just that one right there. Just click on that.

Whoa. Oh, interesting. Okay. Okay, so this. Wait, why did you just had this prepared? He says it right there. He says, I prepared some information. Wait, okay.

So, wait, I'm curious about this, Cameron. Yeah. This is a slide show that says in the title, I have prepared some information about eating human flesh. We've not been stuck in here all that long. Why? This is an old... This is from the last time we were stuck in here.

Oh, okay. That makes sense. That makes sense. Oh, okay. Carry on, carry, continue. Um, but yeah, I kind of did, this is, you know, it's a list of, it's, I found up, so I, I, I, I, I, I, I, this is an aggregation. Okay. I found some stuff from different, yeah. So this is kind of the metacritic of cannibalism, what I've put together for you guys. And I'm given being stuck in a, a bunker with fucking ice all over me. It's giving being stuck in a bunker with ice. I'm giving that, certified, uh, what's the opposite of fresh in that? Rotten, rotten. Rotten. Yeah. Certified rotten. Frozen. Yeah. If I'm stuck in a bunker with ice, I'm doing some leftist ass shit and beating. a crap out of them. Oh, ice.

I haven't heard about I saw that much recently. Yeah, you don't really hear. Yeah, it's over. Probably. We did it. Well, you guys did it. Yeah, I didn't do it either, actually.

They put GPU in a computer. So, he tried to visit for Christmas, and they put him completely in a computer. Ice did that. Look at that. They made him green. That's fucking crazy. Okay, so, yeah, so we'll start.

start off with just some here just some fun facts and some fun just little tidbits about eating human flesh this is the first thing tidbits is probably a good

part of a human yeah well we'll see if the tidbits somebody named tid yeah their recipe girl the human flesh

with the bud of the pindo palm so that's first of all that's if we were going to cook Patrick we could girl him with pindo palm what's Pindo Pindo yeah what is Pindopal just an ingredient

do we have that here we might have that oh wait here's the I think this is called the Pindo Pindo palm. That's probably what it means. If a man is being eaten, boil the penis and give it to a woman.

Oh. Eating male genitalia means they will give birth to a boy. So we have to boil his cock and give it to you. No. No, that wouldn't really make any sense. No. I bet it doesn't taste good boiled. Boiled, yeah.

I think that you're probably right. I think that the human penis probably tastes really good. I bet yours might taste good boiled. Yours probably would taste good boiled because it's reverse. Yeah. I guess my penis probably has the same chemicals in it. in it that a hot dog would. Also, you're uncircumcised, so you kind of need to boil it like a hushk off a corn.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I guess if you're cutting off my penis to eat it, you're already. We won't cut it off before we boil it. We'll just lay you over a pot. Yeah. Boiling water and have you're like face down over a pot.

You can like play on an iPad or something. Watch a movie. Yeah. You probably watch it departed. We'll get the rest of your meat afterwards. Watch the hurt locker when I got a tattoo once. You watch the hurt locker? You were in the fucking hurt locker.

That's right. It hurts to get tattooed. If you're a pussy. No, it hurts. No, it hurts. He actually, well, you are, you have a low pain tolerance. No, what are you talking about it? It doesn't, it obviously, the only way you would say it doesn't hurt is if you had a medical issue.

I have a medical issue. You don't have that medical issue. I will say the first couple times you get tattoo, it definitely doesn't hurt as bad as the more tattoos you get, the worse it hurts. because you have it built in your head of like, oh, man, this sucks. Every single time it gets worse. I think I agree with you. And also, healing is worse than the tattoo, though. That's the worst part.

Definitely. But if you say it doesn't hurt, you're a liar. It hurts. Or a girl. Girls always say it doesn't hurt because they're liars. Girls are liars, though. Yeah, I agree. Every single girl is a liar.

Maybe boil his penis and feed it to himself. Oh, that sounds good. And then you'll give birth to a boy, Patrick Jr. I would love that. Do you think you'll ever have kids? Um, if I do, it will be an accident. And not after today. You were being so brutally honest.

Yeah. I would love to see you at your kid's soccer game. Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you have like a jock kid and you're just, like, you're picking grass. I don't know if I, I don't know if I'd be like the, the worst dad in the world or just like a very, uh, a very good dad, but not the best. That's, you think that you're, you're, the ceiling for you is very good, but not the best. best dad. No way. No way. If I get like a, if like my kid gives me like world's

greatest dad, I'm like, all right. I'll be honest. I don't think, I think that the ceiling for everybody is very good. No, there's no such thing as the best. I will be the best dad. There is the best dad. Because everyone hates their parents for random shit. Doesn't suck that if you have kids. It doesn't matter. Speak for yourself. Well, this guy is, this guy is creepily loves his parents. I don't creepily love my parents. I just have a really nice relationship. No. It's the best dad in the world. Okay, yeah.

World's best father, he's got the pictures to prove it. Oh, good for him. Since the birth of his daughter, his photos featured Dave and Alice and his signature trophy mug. Wow. Well, we found out who the best dad in the world is. Let's see. Oh. Oh.

There he is. That's the best dad in the world. Oh, God. Wait, he just makes photos with a mug and his kids. Wait, he's actually that terrible. They trapped his child Some kind of ironic bullshit Wait, he's

That's not right at all Why is there Pomegranates next to the fucking turkey And what Okay He's putting a boot on his kids This guy seems like a moron Of a father

Wait what does that That mirror, wait go back one There's a very confusing mirror behind What the hell is What the hell is going on there Where does that mirror begin and end? I guess the mirror is the whole wall. The whole wall is a mirror.

Yeah. All right. Well, that makes no sense. Go back to the slideshow here. Go back to the slideshow here. In 2013, New York police officer, Gilberto Valli was arrested for plotting to kidnap, torture, and eat female victims. The cannibal cop search terms like human meat meat recipes and how to cook a girl. Using the screen name Meat Market Man.

How did they catch this guy? How could they ever find Meat Market Man? He had like a bunch of posts on like a forum or something. That's how he got got. Yeah. Also, he Googled human meat recipes under the screen named Meat Market Man. You guys remember that fucking Winklevoss twin actor? Yeah, Army Hammer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted to eat a girl too. Yeah. How to cook a woman. He said he wanted to eat a girl's butt and her pussy. That's disgusting. That's gross. In Pakistan's Bakar district, two brothers were arrested for digging up the grave of a 24-year-old woman

and cooking her in a curry. Jesus Christ. After serving two years and years in prison, the brothers were arrested again. Complaints by the smell of rotting flesh led authorities to their home where authorities discovered the head of a child. The brothers admitted to cooking the youngster in a curry.

We do not know the details of their recipe. However, Punjabi cuisine is rich, robust, and full of flavor. All right. Well, thank God. Thank God it was at least robust. A child's head. I also, I mean, they're committed to the game. They go to jail for cooking someone.

I got immediately like, fuck it. Double down. Child head. The worst possible one. What do you want? Okay, we're out of jail, bro. What do you want to do? Well, we got to, I guess, that's a, uh, we're on probation.

I think our problem was we, we ate a woman. Yeah. We got to eat a kid now. Yeah. People will probably be less mad if we eat a child's head. Yeah. God damn, dude. So then I found this article.

Okay. How to cook your roommate into a pie. Science. And I thought this was going to have a. recipe. I thought this would be useful in case we wanted to cook Patrick into a pie. Because right now he's basically our roommate. I would love to put you on a spit. That's a really good...

We should spit roast him. Yeah. Promise? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'll spit roast you with Cameron. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Okay. We're going to spit roast you later. Wait, what? Now you have to do it. Now you have to spit roast me. We were already planning on spit roast. Yeah, you've got to do it.

You're going to take all 2.25 inches of my index finger. Wait. That was a bait and switch. You have a bait and... Are you guys talking about fucking? I was talking about eating him. No, I'm going to stick my finger in his cavity to test the temperature.

I thought you guys were talking about fucking and eating me. I'm going to cook you till... What do you think... Okay. Look at him. Look at... And thinking about all the things that are in his body. What do you think is a safe temperature to eat him at?

Because honestly... 7,000 degrees. I probably would not eat until 500 internal. I would not... You could not be eating medium. You couldn't be eating medium. I think that you would need to be well-ed-you'd have to braze me like I'm venison. I would be like, I'd look at him and I'll be like, okay, I'm going to, internal temperature 500, let's do it.

That's the only safe way. I put him in the oven immediately smell of burning plastic. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you leave, it's like leaving the, accidentally leaving the plastic wrapper on the frozen pizza. That would kind of melt it down, though, right? You know when you do that? No. I never did that.

I was thinking of a thing that people do. Do people do that? I feel like that's happened before. I've definitely left the cardboard on the bottom. I know, I was trying to think of the thing that was plastic and cardboard's not plastic. Well, think about it. You've eaten the hungry man dinner.

I probably taste just the same as like the chopped sirloin in that. You're like a chungus man dinner. You're like big chungis. Because you're so... You take that, that piece of shit. Oh. I think you're calling me fat.

You're so funny. I love getting that compliment after stand up. You're so funny like big chungis. You're so funny, you're funny? You're funny. You remind me of big chungis so that funny you are. I go, yeah, thank you, thank you.

You're like, I think you, thank you very much. You definitely, I have one day. Who do I remind you of Big Chungis? That's our favorite impression that you do. Yep. Thank you very much. I could see you opening up for Big Chungis one day. You could open up for Big Chungis.

God, I fucking want to kill my mouth, Mount Rushmore. Kinnison, Chappelle, Seinfeld, Chungis. Which Chuggis? Oh, Big Chungis. Oh, shit. I said as well, his first name is. Yeah, I thought you're talking about a different chuggis. It sucks that Ralphie May stole all of his material.

Yeah. Oh, man. But anyway, you need to be eating. Very, very hot. The hardest part, of course, would be acquiring the meat. The hardest part of him would be the bones. We don't have the problem. We don't have that problem.

People say, we got the meat right here. But actually, however, a would-be cannibal acquires her meat, cooking it safely is the trickiest part. So it's actually the hardest part is actually cooking it. Okay, yeah. These are one after the other. Pretty easy. Well, if you're a girl, yeah.

I guess actually the hardest part is acquiring it, but the trickiest part is cooking it. Why don't you see as many women serial killers? Oh, it's almost like men have some fucking evil thing inside of them. You ever heard of Eileen Wernos? Makes him want to kill, murder, and really hurt people. Yeah, it is almost like that.

But women don't have that for some reason. Women just do that to their children. Women do that emotionally serial killing. Yeah. Yeah. Breaking up with good guys. Yeah, I'm ghosting. Yeah.

emotional serial killers all over Bumble and B. Bumble and B. I don't know the apps. I'm on all the apps. I'm on all the apps. I told you guys this the other day. Yeah, I'm on all the abs. Yeah, talking Tom and talking Ben.

You ever heard of Eileen Wernos, though? You knew that that lady was killing men because she had no eyebrows. I'm going to lean on your Warnos. Yeah? Yep. And I'm going to lean all over it and go. Oh, spit all over it. Wow.

Yeah, I'm on all the apps. I'm on bubble. I'm on bubble and squeak. I'm on Toad and Hole. I'm on Bubble in the hole. I'm on Apples and Pears. Yeah, I met this girl on Bubble. We really popped.

Oh, that could be actually a pretty good one to do. Does 23 and me have a racial dating aspect to it that you can do? Am I going crazy? I thought that 23 of me, you could match up with people who have your same DNA. You can match up with your cousin? I think they make websites like that. Really? Yeah.

Well, they make, I mean, they make them for religion. I think they make them 23 to me if they In a worse You're why You want to get on White date

I want to get on No I want to get on the opposite I want to get on a dating website That shows me the exact opposite I do a deal Oh that's a great idea You do a DNA test And it matches you up

With the person who's the exact opposite Well I tried to do that I tried to do that too And it kept matching me up With C scorpions Yeah True The exact opposite of my DNA

I guess that's a good point A cactus Yeah Yeah Yeah. Okay. As Brit Lab host, Greg Foote, noted, in an attempt to eat a strip of his own leg meat earlier this year, the muscle on a human thigh broken down into its constituent fibers

is roughly equivalent to half chicken breasts combined with various cuts of beef. So apparently Greg Foote ate his leg. That's just ironically on belief. I found some pictures of Greg Foote doing this. I guess he did this. So this is Greg Foote. And he says, This is a meme I found about Greg Foote.

This is my cooked leg me. This is my cooked leg me. And that's Greg Foote right there. Yeah, no, I can tell. And he went ahead and he ate it, I guess, in a burger or something. Did he lose his leg? I didn't watch the video. I just looked at a bunch of pictures.

Why did he? And he liked it. Look. He really liked it. Oh, he liked it so much. I had to put him in an insane asylum. Yeah. He's having so much fun.

This picture was making me laugh so much. If you Google Greg Foot, eat, leg meat this is like the first thing that comes up he he like it wasn't for science they if he put it was for bbc if he put it in a fucking burger bun like what why just eat the leg meat like like a like a nice steak put it on put it on a see first picture i was a lion right jibbio tried to fact check me wait great greg heffley memes wait click on that Greg's coming up Greg heffley memes how you feel when someone mistakes you for a... Oh, I know this feeling.

That's a skater thing, right? Yeah. Or a surfer thing. Or it's also a surfer thing? What's going on with this? Trebled job. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Zoom out. Zoom out. Jubio. Show everybody. The full text here. Come on now. Holy crap. That's funny.

Oh, yeah. Greg Heffley. You were under a rest of a shipping. Didn't... Wasn't there a guy who ate his leg or some shit? Yeah, Greg Foot. No, no. This is a guy who, like, him and his friends made, like, tacos out of his... Oh, yeah, out of his foot. Yes, I did. I saw that when I was, he made foot tacos. What of his name was.

And they said, I read, I was really, I thought it wasn't, there wasn't enough funny stuff to put it in this slideshow. But they described the taste as beefy. Yeah. They ate foot tacos and I said, taste beefy. Yeah. Beef eat. Beef eat. Yeah, beef eat.

I'd like to eat some beef instead of foot eat. Yeah, that's a good point. What else you got on here? Well, I'm going to drink some water first, so you guys can just talk while I do that. Okay. Here, I'll do my impression of camera when I drinks. It's pretty good. I didn't do a single thing of that.

So next up I found I think the next thing is a different website He's talking up and down about how I'm going to taste like plastic and then he drinks out of this plastic bottle I'm not going to be eating so it doesn't matter You're already putting your lips on plastic If that was your bottle you'd be eating the bottle

I know and you'd be like no this has B12 vitamins in it It probably does It's probably made entirely out of B12 No no no Okay so here's something I found from the straight Dope message board Yo, uh huh

That's fresh Master chefs, how would you prepare human meat? This is obviously a hypothetical question, and no, I do not need an answer fast. That is a great kind of a cover-up. Yeah, yeah. And I really don't care when I get this because I got no meat sitting on. And this is from the normal vore. And I eat normal foods.

I'm not defrosting any meat on my counter. Yeah. So a bunch of people had different answers for this here. Somebody said, Calibri said, Since this is about cooking, it's better suited for Cafe Society than general questions. So they recategorized the first thing on there. Send it over there. This question about cannibalism, we have to put this in the cooking form.

So what is Cafe Society you have to say about it? Well, let's find out. Carpaccio of Buttock. What the hell is Carpaccio? You know what Carpaccio is. It's like a type of cut. It's really thinly sliced like meat. Of buttock.

I didn't eat meat until I was like 18. You ate poop Carpaccio. Oh, I've heard you say that before. but I didn't eat, I've never, I just thought, I don't really, I had to look up what Carpaccio was, but I just thought Carpacio Buttock was a funny thing to say. Yeah, that is the first thing. You know, I had a steak for the first time with you guys. Really?

Outbacked steak. That was your first steak? Yeah, I think so. What? There's no fun in my first or my second one, yeah. First, like, are you mean, you mean the one that was raw? Yeah. Your first time I'd ever, I mean, I had like maybe some tacos or something.

My first time eating just a steak, that was it. Wow. You didn't act like. You acted like you ate 100 steaks before. I watched a bunch of videos about eating steak. You're 14 years old, dude. I didn't eat meat until I was, like, fucking way old, dude. Googling how to say slang before I go hang out with my friends.

No, I watched videos about cooking steak. What to say when eating steak for the first time to fool people that I've eaten steak before. You ordered it fucking rare, too. I said medium rare because I learned that that's the cool way to order steak, like James Bond. That's like the shaking nuts. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you go. And I'll have that medium rare because I don't regard my life or my mouth.

And then it came out and it was a complete red slab of meat and I ate the whole thing for you guys. You didn't eat it because we stopped you for me. We stopped you for eating it. You pretended that you liked it. That steak wasn't like. I told you, do not eat that. That steak was blue. Yeah, it was blue rare.

That was the raw steak I've ever seen. We kept saying, please don't eat that. You kept putting in your mouth and spitting it out over and over again. It tasted good. Yeah. And it was, what was, and we, and it was. that rapper. Oh, young Jivanshi.

Young Javanchi. Shout out. He's the man. Go check him out. He's our waiter. I wonder if he's dropped anything. He's our waiter. I wonder if he's like watching.

I think he's making it out of Amarillo, dude. He's got to be. Yeah. Yeah, he's next up at Amarillo. But yeah, I thought that that was a normal. That's not most stakes are not like that. I've learned. Yeah.

Because now he'd steak all the time. And after that, because I was like, I had that and I was like, that was really good. I loved that. It was really good. And then I started making my own now. I'd look for chimps. Chimpanzee recipes. Bup said that.

You don't eat chimpanzees, do they? I think they used to maybe. They eat like brains and shit. Yeah, they eat a chimp's brain in Indiana Jones. Yeah, and that's a documentary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and that's a documentary, Patrick.

Is that a way, is that like a real, do people eat chimpanzee's brains? Or is that Stephen Spielberg being like? No, people eat those. Okay. I was going to say, is that just like, I think it's dangerous to eat, though. I think, I thought that was just like them being like, you can get a monkey. You can get banana hungry.

Cooroo, like Hillary Clinton had. Hillary Clinton added Kuru? What did you guys didn't see this? Google Hillary Clinton, K-U-R-U-R-U. K-U-R-U is a pre-on disease. You get it when you eat. You can only get it from eating human brain. Oh, yeah, I don't know.

Kuru, pre-ons. What are these new streaming services? Go to images here. See? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her face was rotting off. God, that's classic Kuru symptoms. She, because basically she was eating.

Half her face became white. She ate human brain and a behemian grove. Or in a preschool Women aren't allowed in Bohemian Grove No She yeah It was something else

See is it a brain injury Or Kuru from cannibalism She got she cannibalized So probably some children Brains Wow And she got Kuru And look at that

Look at that circle See that? That is a telltale symptom of Kuru Green Thumb Oh shit People who get Kuru Get green thumb When they drink water

Good at gardening Yeah I see that But only when they drink water Okay So here's some Here's some other stuff. So this is something,

I'd process the carcass same as I would or deer, discarding all the organs. And then someone replied to that and said, Bold and underline is mine. You are a fool. You were discarding some of the best meats available, which is probably true. All organs.

Yeah, no. You guys eaten later. I've never had it. I want to, though. The reason I put this on here is because of this guy fires back, okay, and says, do not call me a fool, please.

This isn't the pit, and you needn't get carried away with trying to play up to your nickname. I do not enjoy the flavor of many organ meats, and in wild game the organs can be infected with some unpleasant parasites. In a human, they will likely have the same unpleasant flavor, and in the case of the liver, have a high concentration of waste and toxins that I do not wish to consume. You may feast on all the meat byproducts it pleasures you to consume.

Good day. Damn. Hit him with the good day. Yeah, Willie Wonka at his ass. Every fifth grade nerds dream is to get in a situation where you can hit someone with a good day. I got winning hard. Dude, getting saying good day to the school bowling. snowed in.

I have a late-stage hypothermia. Oh, okay. Where you start to get really, really warm. I'm snowed in exposing the truth about human meat. True, you are. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. Eat words.

Eat words snowed in. I've never had liver. Me neither. I look at it at the grocery store all the time. I really want to eat liver and onions. I haven't knowingly had liver. I want liver and onions really bad. Me too. I look at it and then I'm like,

you have to like like keep it in milk that's what you'll be saying by the way you said me too that's what you'll be saying once you've had liver and onions it'll be going meat who because you love liver so much now yeah I also I don't I don't eat livers I prefer to eat dead stuff yeah stuff's already that's right yeah and what the hell is this are betters I want to eat a liver yeah

I want to eat something I want to eat raw heart pretty badly though just you were an insane person you watch too many of these like gym guys and you fucking The office. Yeah. Yeah, kill me. Or sue me. Yeah, that's why you want to eat so many.

That's why you want to eat so many fucking bones. Yeah, dried up bones. Turn into a powder, make them into gelatin. Too long of a line between point A and point B on that one, I'd say. You could have said, yeah, you want to eat bones. You had dry bones. You have Mario Kart, motherfucker? Have you guys ever watched the show Hannibal?

You know how people say, like, okay, well, people. So, you know, people, but there's a bunch of scenes in that show where Hannibal, Hannibal Burris, is preparing, like, human men. meat and they make it look like really good. And he puts pickle juice on it. Yeah. Yep. Yep.

That's what happens. They make it like look really good. And people are always like, people always say about the show. They're like, yeah, like that show, it made me want to eat human meat because it looks so good when they're preparing it. That's like their joke that they always say about that show. And I think it's funny to imagine like watching that show for the first time, he turning it on and being like, oh my God, it does look really good.

It's just all the characters talking to each other before they show any cooking scenes. You're just looking at Mads, Mickelson, and be like, oh my God, they really do make human meat. It looked like it tastes so good in this show. Mads Mickleson would not be in my top 1,000 people to eat. No, fuck no, dude. Probably the very bottom. Dude, I'd be eating, I'd eat Burt Kreischer. I'd eat the fuck out of Burt Kreisier, dude.

Gabriel Iglesias. I mean, listen, I hate to say it. Who, the person I'd eat would probably be pretty young. When you say pretty young. Like what age, I guess. Probably is pretty young. But, like, two? I'm just thinking about flavor and tenderness and think about...

I just think about flavor. Well, I'm being hungry. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Because that's, I mean, that's, I wouldn't eat. I would probably kill myself before eating Clint Eastwood. Yeah, that you wouldn't want him. He'd be nothing.

Yeah. That'd be like, that'd be like eating a snake. Bruce Willis, he's right out. What if humans are like lobsters, though, where it's like the older they are, like, the more meat you get? I would not eat a trillion-year-old lobster. We know that because we know people who are old. Yeah, but they're grandparents. I'm talking about, like, the meat.

We've all taken a bite out of grandma's sagging arm. I definitely have. My grandma used to flap her arms in front of me, like, wings. Dude, when old people flap their arms, I want to throw up. My nana used to do it in the car. She used to flap her arms. I really really hate old people. Yeah.

My nana would do that with her arms in the car. I honestly. I don't, d'lan, d'lan, da, don't. Oh, my God. And make her an arm go like that. I wish that old people tasted good to eat so I could have an excuse to kill and eat them. That wouldn't be a good. good excuse. That's not a good enough excuse of the law. Do you know what I was thinking if I was a serial

killer, my method of finding a victim, I would, I would enter the house and kill people of people of people who put, you know, people put posters or art in their window facing out. And it's like, you can't even see that inside your house. Okay. That's like they put a funny picture for people on the street to see. Do you know the kind of thing I'm talking about? Yeah. I think if I was a crazy person, I wanted to kill, I would be walking down the street. And if I saw a picture of, you know, a funny cartoon facing out in someone's window, that would be. be the house I would break into and kill like a sign like a funny sign that says like in this house we believe science is real black lives matter yeah one of those signs too and I think that's

that would be my thing I would be the window art outward facing killer that would be the catchy name they gave that that is that that sign that like in this house we believe blah blah blah but you see it in the window because you know that the person who put it out is like they're like well if I put it out somebody is going to steal it that's a good point I'll put this in my third floor window I'm gonna put it here so people know

that's what I believe but they can't no I don't want anyone to steal that shit yeah dude somebody's getting really pissed off my sign that says I believe water is important you're gonna sit on fire

oh they're gonna take I know someone's gonna freaking steal that from me that is the funniest thing that those signs say it says something about water it says like I believe water is life

or something yeah it says that Yeah, it says, like, I believe, like, immigrants are beautiful. I believe black lives matter. I believe science is awesome, and I believe water is wet. You know who it's, and that's word for word what it says. Dude, you know who would be, who would go crazy on that fucking sign is those little

motherfuckers from Captain Underpants getting up in that sign, rearranging shit. Rearranged shit. I believe in black water. I believe in, you know. I believe black water rocks. I believe science is black. They got a lot of black on it. Well, they wouldn't be able to rearrange it.

because it's just a sign. I mean, I think they'd maybe be able to turn it upside down. Man, I don't know how those damn signs work. Shut the fuck up. But I look like the fucking home goods. Dude, they would be able to turn the McDonald's. They would be able to wreak havoc on the McDonald's logo. Turn it into a W or an E.

Or three. My turds are $1. That's what I always wanted to make this one sign say in my hometown. But they never had a dollar sign. Yeah. My friend took one of those. We used to do that all the time. We used to do that.

We did that to a church sign one time. I used to live next to this motel and we would change. It would change it all the time. And we made it say, it said, yes, pets, I miss you mom. And the first one we ever did was we were pretty, you know, pretty shy. So we just changed a couple letters. We said, made it say, yes, Mets, I miss you Mop. And that made us laugh.

But then we realized that that lady's mom died. Oh, that's kind of sad. And then we just blanked her. The one that we did, we only did one time. And it was pretty damn edgy. Yeah. Yeah. And we changed the church sign.

We made it say Satan. We used to make the church say ass. But it was one of those things where it's like, okay, they left. that it was that type of sign and there was like a glass door that they always locked over it and it was like one time we walked by and it was open

and it's like okay if this is unlocked and the letters for Satan are there you have to make it you can't there was a church slash school that had a sign that said something about class dance we made it

we took every letter off except ass dance and that was funny my friend took a photo of the one he did and send it to me I wasn't there for it but he made it say

shit missing from cunt that one's really tough It takes forever to rearrange the things. I got a power through this here. But something must have been missing. Okay, so this is a website I found. Daily Delish. And this is the Daily Delish. And this is the Crown Jewel.

Delish Us. Oh, my God. And this is a website where it has a bunch of questions. You Google a question. This website pops up. There's a page with a bunch of related questions. And it has answers that they've written for us to all these questions that we might have about how to cook a human. Okay.

So we'll just go through and I'll read some of these Q&A. So this is like kind of an FAQ for cooking. human or cooking Patrick specifically. So first off, what is the tastiest part of a human? Don't call Patrick that. The brain and muscles are probably your best bet according to Yale certified nutritionist Dr. Jim

Stepani. So the brain and muscles. Jim Stepani. Yeah. He knows what's up. The brain and muscles. So we'll get your brain will get your muscles. I don't know why that name's making me laugh. Then we have, how does a human brain cook? And we have instructions. Whisk enough milk to cover the brains by three times their volume with salt just until you can taste it. The next

day drain and rinse the brains and pack Pat, completely dry. We're going to eat his brain. To cook, eat a pan with butter until lightly brown. Dredge the brains in flour, tap off the excess, and fry golden on each side. So this is how to make fried.

That's the same way you make liver. Yeah, that's the same way you make liver. Yeah. Well, it's just how to make fried human brains. Okay. So that's useful for us. Yeah, no, that's good. Brain looks like a cauliflower, though.

I'm sure you could turn brain and you can make brain wings. That's true. That's the size of a cauliflower. Most, usually when foods look like each other, that's what you do with them. You should have said that. You should have said nothing. Okay.

Then we have How do I prepare for 40 humans book? How to cook for 40 humans is a cookbook that the Regelians keep in their kitchen of their spaceship.

The book is a guide for preparing meals for large groups of humans. Syrac, the preparer referred to it while preparing meals for the Simpson family when they were on board the ship. What the hell

kind of bullshit is this? Is this still this doctor? Yeah. Yeah, this is Stopani. So this is Dr. Stepani is telling us about this book that was in the Simpsons.

That's disgusting. And then we have can you eat your beef? According to a recent study, the desire to eat your baby up is totally normal and healthy. Really, it went far beyond wanting to nibble little baby toes. I wanted to devour my children. Just eat them all up. Okay.

So that's a normal feeling. What about eating somebody else's baby? No, that's not normal. No, just your own? Yeah, they only really cover. It's normal to want to devour your children and eat them all up. So that's something this website has for us. Then we have, can you eat your own poop?

Yes. According to the Illinois Poison Center, Eating poop is minimally toxic. Yeah, it's not that bad. Yeah, I like that that came up on the page for cannibalism, though. That is a way of cannibalism. It is technically cannibalism. How to eat, how to cook human meat?

And one of the questions is, how can you eat your own poop? It looks like meat. Then we have, how do you cook a human cookbook? How to cook for 40 humans, YouTube? And it's the Simpsons. It's the same Simpsons thing, yeah. And then we have, how long does it take to cook a human hand? To enhance the flavor, you should boil it for nearly 15 to 20 minutes until it becomes soft.

And follow the recipe. of a chicken curry to cook it. You can also add oregano for extra flavor. For side dish, you can add gingerbread, some orange juice, and sweet bread. So two types of bread. So if you're cooking a human hand, you want orange juice on the side and have some breads. I'll have some. Do you think a human cooking human hand is like chicken feet?

No, I think it's like a chicken hand. Okay. No, I just like, because you have to like boil? I don't know, have you eaten chicken feet? Which Simpson would you eat? Yeah, is it good? Homer. Duh.

Yeah. It's obvious. I just I want to stress I'd gag on him on the couch. This is the only website on the internet you can find information

on how to cook human flesh. Everything else is like yeah, apparently there's a secret cookbook on how to cook human flesh but we can't show it to you and then this one is like if you're going to eat a human hand

you should have orange shoes with it. I would eat I'd eat a criminal. Yeah. Yeah. If that was an option I would probably eat one bite of somebody who

maybe stole somebody who taped avatar in the theater or something yeah yeah i'd eat that guy i actually if it was in an avatar situation definitely what do you mean an avatar does any kind of guy who brings disrespect or disrepute to a showing of avatar do you think that the navvy tastes better in the humans no does it not they're well they're leaner no they don't but not yet i mean we'll see what had the new movie's not out yet true maybe out by the time this is out i guess well i'll report back when i see it let me know i'll let you guys know uh how do you serve a human. The simple five-step process is serving humanity. Build a foundation.

Tizzle yourself into the person you want to be piece by piece. Find your why. Find the reason you want to truly serve humanity. Act daily, trust or instinct, and share your vision. That doesn't help me eat nobody. That's how you become your best person to eat a person. Oh, you got to be fully actualized before you eat human meat. Here's how you serve a human. Well, no, you're doing kind of the thing you do after you

serve someone. Oh, yeah. You have to like... Wait, hold on, let me... All right, imagine I just spun on my head. That's good. Yeah, you did. He served that. This is, yeah, because eating human meat is, like, the top of the hierarchy of needs.

You have to be full... Self-actualization is under... Because it's kind of like, just, you're bored. Yeah, I guess I can fucking eat somebody. Yeah, and then if this is the next one, this, I think the next one's the last one. This one made me laugh out loud when I saw this. I was scrolling through all these questions about human meat on this page, and this is the last question on the page.

What is the eat baby? Chris Rooney and his two-year-old niece Marley, otherwise known as the Yeat Baby, have become internet stars after he documented her process of life or progress of life skills on their TikTok account, gaining over 3 million followers.

Holy crap. That's the Yeat Baby. I didn't even know that. I didn't know that Yeat Baby exists. Me neither. It's good to know, though. Yeah. All right, well, we're stuck in here.

I don't think we're ever getting out. Yeah, probably not. But you can get out. Oh, shit. We forgot to do one thing that we did. Santa Tracker. We'll close on this one this time. Yeah, we'll close out.

But, you know, subscribe to the Patreon. Yeah, you could get out your wallet and go to Patreon. And if we get enough money, we might be able to buy a hairdryer for me. To melt our way out of here. Oh, yeah, true. Low-dried Caleb's hair. Yeah. I think it might look pretty.

It really might look good if we do that. I think I'm going to grow up my natural hair. And the new executive producer, Tier is still on there. If you want to have your name at the end of the episode and also get a shareholder meeting. And maybe your name will be frozen in ice this episode. I don't know if that's a possibility. Maybe it'll be written in icicles. Maybe your name.

will not be ISIS. I hope they do not give any money to our... And don't go on there and... Unless they give us a lot. By the way, I want to make this very clear. Don't go on there and say, fucking my name's booger. We will get your ID

and we will confiscate it. It still has all your credit card info. Yeah. We have your credit card info. We have your address. If you put a fake name on the Patreon name thing for the credits,

we will be forced to use the only information we have about you, which is your credit card number That is true. That is true. And your email. That will be going up at the end. We're going to put one on the screen right now. We're going to put your email address.

That's somebody who subscribes to our Patreon. We're putting your email address on all these. And here's a robot that's exploding a dinosaur right here. This is my hand. Okay, let's check the Santa tracker really quick. Let's see what Santa's up to today before we close out here. God, the Santa tracker's frozen solid. Well, he's still on Earth.

All right, thank God. Okay, where is this? I actually don't know where this is. Some kind of neighborhood. What is this? He's in the hood. Oh, my God. Skid Row.

Skid Row in Los Angeles. Oh, I hope that meets the band. No, that doesn't mean the band. Santa, please. I thought he was going to be there giving out gifts. He's hopeless. I thought he's going to be given out Metro cards and shit. No, do you have any other pictures of Santa?

To the homeless. Santa, what are you up to? Just a thought. Well, because they don't have a chimney. Oh, Santa, don't. You're climbing in a dumpster. You don't belong in there. Yeah, you think he's trash.

Oh, Santa Claus. I hate to see him like this. that's really quite sad. Hopefully we'll see him have a triumphant return. Yeah. I'd love to meet him one day. I don't know what the hell is this. I didn't see this one.

We'll work for oil. I guess Santa Claus is that an Exxon mobile that seems to be frozen over. This must be an old picture. Yeah. Hey, Santa, try maybe put some clothes on, buddy. Yeah. You were not doing too good. No.

You're looking pretty fat. I'm not going to lie. And there's a tiger. Big tiger. And you have a gasoline that you rest. Well, he looks happy at least. Yeah, it looks like he's doing well. This must be an old one if he looks happy.

We see you next time. We're going to eat Patrick's butt. Body. Bye. Bye. Doesn't matter to me. I'll give a shit. And it's my birthday in six months.