Podcast About List - Ep. 224 - PAL CRIBS

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Welcome to our CRIBS, feel free to look around but don't touch anything or I'm gonna freak out. I'm for real, man, don't touch that I legit just cleaned before you got here. Take off your disgusting shoes. Watch the video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and D&D episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Podcast About List. This ain't your grandma's podcast. Hey, douchebag, suck my twat. And, I said, hey, douchebag. Quit me, the fucking twop. Welcome to Duce FM. You're listening to three biggest twats in the city of grades. I got out of my goose.

There's a douchebag present. Do you guys think twad is better or dash? Ow, I get my douchebag. I know duching for about an hour and didn't even come out with weird. And your mom's a douchebag, douce bag, doucebag. Yeah, and I said your mom's a douchebag, douchebag. my twat was too small to have sex oh my twat was too small to have sex

We'll just A lot of us A lot of us Woo Woo! Yeah! Should we just make it a rule that we start every episode by one of us going

Or uh-huh That's how you go. We used to start, I used to just sing. I've been practicing my singing, but now we have to clap. I've been practicing my singing a lot lately. Well, you can't say something like that and not prove yourself. Your famous song.

So go ahead. Sing your song. What do you got? Twinkle, twinkle little stuff. That's terrible. And how I wonder what you are. You are an awful singer. That is, that is like to see you do better.

Yeah. Twinkle, twinkle little star What I wonder what you are You don't even get the words right When you're up there in the sky You make me feel so right All summer long Twinkle twinkle

You are getting worse every time Dude I'm doing well the thing that I'm I'm a legit crying He's corrying I'm coriing right now I made him cry with my music second of all i'm a chameleian i sing whatever style i want twinkle twinkle little star oh my god

and he's a wrapping twinkle twinkle twinkle little star that's like kind of a kid rock style exactly any style yeah any style a classical fuck you that ain't this is classical if you're doing a classical version that's the conductor that's not music if there's only one in singing the conductor is the is the musician He's got a lady at the concerts now that's doing the fucking hand-singing. Wait.

Oh, yes. You mean an interpreter for sign language? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. That's the hand-sing. It's hand-singing. No, it's not. Then, okay, what the fuck are they doing? They're doing that.

Here's the thing, man. Why, how many deaf people are going to concerts and they're like, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You think a lot? I think a good amount. There must be some.

Yeah. if they're spending money on a hand singer. I guess you're right, but like, how... I guess I'm just curious at what point... Oh, they're just like you and me. They just can't hear a fucking... Well, I guess they're not like you and me. Because we can hear.

I think the hand singers for people who come with earplugs. Yeah, that's true. Like, I don't want to damage my hearing, but I don't understand what I'm saying. Dude, I fucking love... Like, I was at a... I was at a show on Sunday. There was like, there's a...

Like, they were doing a comedy show, but they sold ear plugs. We need those guys at stand-up shows. Yeah. Yeah, we need somebody. We need a sign language interpret. Whenever they sell, like, earplugs at the bar, it's like a music venue that's made a comedy.

So it's my favorite thing to do is just go up to the bartender and ask for the earplugs. That's your favorite thing? It's so funny. It's funny to me every time. I just connected the two things. First, I thought you were just saying

you like to buy earplugs in general. No, no, no. Buying ear plugs at a comedy show. It's so funny. It's funnier than anything they would say on stage. Yeah. I would probably wear them when you're up there. No, you wouldn't.

Bombing. go up there I don't bomb that much anymore you go up there and you just eat shit but I said that much anymore

I'm being humble being honest okay every once in a while you'll have a bomb I bomb pretty often but not that much anymore there we go

I like that that's yeah you know everybody that's the type of honesty you get on this fucking show I've had a real bad bomb in a minute

I'm trying to think the last time I ate total shit I ate total shit at a show of like five people that's not even a bomb yeah

The bombs, the real bad ones are when you're, it's like a packed fucking house. And everybody's like, this show's great. And you're like, yeah, it is. You go up and you just, oh, it's bad. I one time I was, I opened for Ali Mokovsky at Hideout, dude. Oh, it was bad, bro. It was so, so bad. She's a lady goes on like Rogan and shit.

Yeah, no, she's a great comic. Dude, oh my God, it was bad. I think I remember this. Yeah, the one at, like, what was it, not White Bowl, right? Yeah, the one of White Bowl, yeah. oh my god it was so bad it was like one of those ones where like i got off and sam mike was immediately like you need a drink and i was like yeah yeah i do i do i bummed really bad i was opening for the count and i was like i will i kind of fucked it up because i never told us this

well because i went up there and i was doing i was i mean i kind of didn't this was back in my days when i didn't really know how i was supposed to do shit yeah i was doing numbers before the count oh you you you you buried you stole his material and everybody in the crowd was like, we are not here for you doing them. Were you, like, familiar with his act? No, that's the thing, too. I was so, dude, I don't, I don't even know how I got in that situation, to be honest, but I was up there and I was like, five, 10, 12.

They're like, what is this? That's not even the right fucking word, you stupid bitch. I was trying to mix it up. You know, I was, I was into alt comedy. He was doing his own thing. He's doing alt counting. Right. You go up, the counts like after you.

It's like, you know, like, oh, this is why he fucking crushes. Yeah, exactly. He's been in this long. No, and he came up, and he came up. He honestly, he came up the first thing he said, that fucking guy, room erupted. Oh my God. He didn't even have to make a joke. He just said that fucking guy.

And then one, two, three. I came close to killing myself. He laughed at his own material. He does. It's kind of endearing. You know, he can work for some people. It's the worst part about it. Was he like, was he cool backstage or anything?

Or was he like, he was really nice beforehand. Really? Yeah. And then I did not see him after because I left. Oh, you're too embarrassed. I was so embarrassed, dude. It's raining out. You go to an Irish restaurant,

you get a shepherd's pie. That's exactly what I did. How did you know? We've done that a few times. You go, that's how you, if you bomb real bad, you go eat a full shepherd's pie.

Six glasses of Guinness. Uh-huh. Well, that's like a two glasses of all up because I have bulimia. How do, people pretend that, people pretend that like

Guinness is like a tough guy beer. It's like 60 calories. It's because it's so dark. Yeah. It is dark. that has like actual flavor in it so that's why people are like yeah you know I'm actually the flavor beer

I'm sipping uh I'm I'm drinking a beer slowly because I'm actually in control the alcohol doesn't control it comes out of the same fucking thing that the nitro cold brew at Starbucks comes out of there's nothing like cool about it drinking a Guinness man you know what I don't like Guinness that much really yeah crucified yeah I like it with a like a dinner you know

I don't care for it's too dark I'm like what do I want to do I want to look down think I'm drinking oil? Speaking of. If I can't taste it? I'd take an Ovalteen over a glass again. Wait, so if I want a... So I want a beer where if I have it in a big oil drum, I think it's oil? No.

I don't think so. I don't want that. Especially when the drum is closed. I had a really dark beer this weekend that tasted like coffee. And after I told you guys about this, me and Noah were looking for, like, apartments and accidentally broke into someone's house. Did you just think that they were showing the apartment? There was... You just, I heard you say, you or, and Noah both said, like,

yeah, we walked into somebody's house, but what happened? So, yeah, tell the story. We, like, we're on a, we're on, like, we're on, like, we're on the house hunt. And, uh, we, I, like, looked at this website. It said, like, open house this, like, Sunday the 8th, uh, 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. And I was like, oh, okay, so there must just be like, uh, like, you can just go in, you know, whatever. There's going to be open house. There'll be a realtor there, whatever.

Yeah, you get the, uh, the spiral sandwich. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I We like open the We just buzzed the place And we're just like oh all right We'll just like

That probably makes sense The realtor's probably just like sitting in there Waiting fucking people to show up Yeah Probably be like six people in here Just talking walking around asking like Oh what kind of way Does it get optimum

Or does it get fun And then So we go in Go up like three stairs We're like oh yeah This moving in here Will be a bitch It's like a three four walk

They went up three stairs Oh no It's like I literally Literally, I was like, I'm not going to say it. That's too stupid. I'm not going to air up for that. Jesus Christ.

I left out that the hallway was narrow. I meant that the hallway is narrow, whatever. And then, uh, getting a fucking remember, like, I almost, like, trying to move into my current place. Like, we almost got my neck split by the fucking couch. You did not almost hit your neck. I did split now. Ask Joe, me and Joe almost died. The laser was cutting your head open.

The couch fell down and it went like that. on my neck. And it's a 20,000 pound couch. Yeah. Bad purchase. So we open the door to the place and there's like a guy on his phone with his friend just like cooking like a big Sunday dinner. And like the kitchen is like right at the door. So I like poked my head in.

I was like, hello? He's like, what's going on? I was like, is this the open house? He said, no, boss, that's not here. And then just shut the door on me. and I was like Oh, wait, no, it's 3L Oh my God

3L so then I open up 3L It also unlocked But what the fuck is this apartment building Everybody's got an unlocked door? It's also unlocked But it has like There's still fully like There's underwear on the person's table and shit

Like it was like There is not an open house here I don't know because it's the right address I went into the correct place but who fucking buzzed me in? How did I get into this building? It's one of those ones that has like the door. I think most people, if somebody buzzes your number,

they just click the yes thing. Well, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. Because that's how you get traffic. That's how you get a guy like Patrick in the house. And I wanted to eat that guy's Sunday dinner so bad. You should have just pretending, were you wearing this? You should have pretended you were like a mechanic or something.

Yeah, I'm here to fix your dinner. And then you open, and then you unlock their window. I'm a personal job. I'm here to fix you. There's been a leak report in your dinner and I need to seal it up. I'm the poison checker. I came here to check your food for poison.

I heard you're making a big Sunday dinner. I'm from the city. Do you have a license to cook something that fucking delicious? Can I see your Sunday gravy license? Please. I need to test your ragu. Was the guy not happy to see? He was not happy that you broke into his apartment and looked right at him and said,

your house is open. Yeah. Well, why is his door unlocked? It was open. It was open. It was, it was technically an open house. man yeah yeah yeah i could have claimed prima nocta is that the one no man that's destiny prima nocta hold on guys fucking wife how did i get that mixed up that's what you should have said what's up man i'm here to do prima nocta uh it's basically premonacta time so you you

you not you don't want you uh so once you guys finish up with that dinner i just fucking got that mixed up i'm gonna go freshen up in the bad It's also so funny to be like a not like, is this is a prima nocta, the thing is like the king can do that, right? Like, just like a random guy because it's like, you have two premonautics. I basically just run about premonautics.

You don't know this, but I'm the king of this building. I was just elected your king. You got to let me in. You should have voted. Yeah. You should have voted, man. Homeowners association, we meet like three times a week.

And I mean, and I also, I mean, while I'm here, I would love that your tithe. Yeah, you have to tie. And give me your 10%. I'll take 10% of that me. And all your furniture. If you don't mind me asking, what's the deal on your dowry? Yeah.

I would walk in, yeah, I'd walk in and I would just take, like, books and stuff off their shelves. I'd be like, oh, and I want this painting. Yeah. I'm not going to take your money. I'm not going to take your money. I'm not going to take your wife. I'm not going to take your wife. Just going to take your wife.

Hey, shut up. I'm just doing prima nocta. I'm going to look through your DVDs and see what's good. Yeah. You don't want me to put sanctions on you, do you? Mm-hmm. Because I... Do you have DVDs or do you have Blu-Rays?

I have both. I don't have any physical media. I was asking this guy. Oh, you're still talking this guy. Okay, well, I was going to pretend I'm the guy. I have both. Oh, yeah, that works. Yeah.

Yeah, I am not looking forward to trying to find a new apartment here. Because the one thing I do love about looking for apartments here, you're not... It's not X-ray. How many times do we have to go over this? You can't... Let me try, though. No matter how many times do you put... I have a green shirt on.

on and it's green screened out. No matter how many times you put your hand behind my... Oh, my hand is disappearing behind the other camera? You will not see your hand behind my body. Go back to the other camera? You are so stupid. No, the other one? The third one? Wait, no, the other one.

Yeah, this one. My hand is disappearing behind him. No, not this one. No, okay, go back to the other one. No, the other one? This is not good radio. This is horrible because you won't switch to the one I want. You're giving up.

I love when you're looking... I've been looking at some apartments, just casually, you know? I think I'm month to month, so I can move whenever. but I love when the real estate company comes in to take the nice real estate photos and whoever lives there

is clearly like a piece of shit drug addict and didn't clean anything so there's like it's like this beautiful like big panoramic picture but there's like there's a box of donuts and shit

open there's pizza everywhere yeah there's a bike there's a pink couch there's all running around and I hate I hate that dude when it's a photo the living room couch

for a new apartment. And fucking Bart's there. And yeah, BART's there. And it starts off as a single cell organism. It goes through all of evolution and then all of a sudden they're sitting on the couch.

Yeah, if I were a realtor, I would take the pictures I would Photoshop Bart in. Oh, yeah. That'd be funny. That would be the funny realtor.

This could be an apartment for a BART. You could say, or BART for scale. Yeah. You know? Nobody knows how much. Make him this big.

This place is huge. He's a centimeter tall. Bart for scale. Because nobody knows how big Bart is. Yeah, exactly. So the place is really small. You put Bart, pretend he's like five something, right? And you like, or you put him like that kind of scale, even though it's a six foot ceiling.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're starting. Well, Bart, everyone knows. Everyone knows Bart is 6-2. Mm-hmm. No, he's 6-2 in the show. They're all. They're on the show.

Yeah. They're fucking not. My landlord has not fixed. There's three holes in my ceiling from water damage. Bullet holes. He's ignoring my calls. So Rupert, if you're listening, something very bad is going to happen to you, allegedly. Allegedly something, you're going to hurt your landlord?

Allegedly I will, because my best friend Alex is upstairs and he's got water in his room from all the holes in his ceiling. And he's not answering the calls. So I'm going to harm you. Allegedly. Allegedly. Why do you have holes in the ceiling? But I'm doing a character saying this. This has got to be one of the most nothing things you've ever said.

Is that you're going to hurt your landlord? No, I'm not going to do that. Oh, okay. All right. You know what I watched a bunch this weekend, man? I had a bad weekend because I watched it. I got. What are you laughing at?

What do you laughing at? I said, uh. That's a normal thing to say to your friend. If they ask what they're watching. What are you, Jeff Ross? Why are you roasting? You roast in the way he says, uh? Beat a butter baby ass.

Baby butter baby says, ah. You said Baby Butter Baby Butter Baby. Baby Butter Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. I watch a bunch of... I watch a bunch of videos this weekend. It's funny the first time, dude. Of people shooting at each other. Yeah? Yeah. I found a bunch of videos of people shooting at each other. Stop being so interested in what I have to say. I hate you leaning over like this. No, stop. It's not a good sound.

you sound like some kind of bovine. No, you're roasting. I said you sound like one. Oh. No. I'd love some roasted bovine right now. Oh, my God. Roasted bovine is good.

I've been watching these videos of people. There's all these videos where, like, security camera footage of people getting in gun fights and stuff. I was having the time of my life, dude. Because it's videos where guys sit there at gas stations, like 90% of them. They're guys who are sitting there pumping gas, and then they see, it's always in the south. and they see like a guy they don't like and they pull out the biggest most illegal gun you've ever seen in your fucking life

they shoot 500 bullets and they hit nothing and then that's the end of the video but then I saw one where the people actually get hit and they die yeah that's not fun that's not nearly as funny you see the one why do people like those videos and then I told no about it and I was like you gotta watch this one

and he sent me one of a guy just getting his fucking head blown off and he's like isn't that cool like no why do people like those videos videos i'm gonna move in with them he's gonna be playing that on the fucking living dude he sent me one it was like a guy it's like two it's like neighbors these two neighbors and they're getting in an argument the guy's like fuck you neighbor man you fucking suck and the guy

someone's gonna what he's like fuck you and his wife's there and she's like fuck you too and then the guy's like oh fuck me and then he kills both of them instantly whoa that one i don't know if it's it's a snowy world that they are on yeah yeah yeah i said I saw one. I saw one. And he, like, executes the lady. And I was like,

what? And then he goes back in his house and he shot himself. Yeah, why do you, so you've seen it? Yeah. And why are you not,

like, scarred? I am. He's scary. He's damaged. You know how damage my ass is? Can you imagine how terrifying it is to fucking die?

Yeah. It's probably peaceful. You see the one, the one that everyone, uh, what's his name? That guy Matt Walsh posted it and was like, there needs to be,

uh, there needs to be like, uh, they need to be more lenient when good guys kill bad guys and it's like a video of a dude just like unloading a full clip onto it like a dude's just like waving a gun around in a restaurant and then he like shoots it after the guy like he kicks his gun away and then like shoots him like six more times it's just like oh this guy is like yeah it's like every good guy with the gun is just a guy waiting to like kill somebody

i have such a good idea for a conservative comedy sketch what's that luke Skywalker holy crap i'm already in luke skywalker he's in he's getting shot at by a um a stormtrooper He deflects the bullets, runs up, cuts off the stormtrooper's head, uh, liberal cops show up, handcuffs. Oh, you're going to jail, pal. Oh, my God, dude. We need to get a conservative daily wire sketch show. Wouldn't that be so good?

That's a great fucking idea. I forgot where I was going with that. I think I just got upset watching that. Here's another one that you could do is they come out with a new Star Wars movie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a guy, you know what it is? A guy, he sits on his knees and he prays a God, right? He's a real religious guy

He's a religious nerd He prays a guy And he says Please let them make a new Star Wars movie He goes to the movie And they got Mark Hamill in a fucking wig Right And he's got fake breasts

And all of a sudden he's some He's Lukey What's a girl version? Luciana Luciana Sky Sky not a guy washer Yeah sky shopper

Yeah sky shopper That's good And he's a girl And he's a girl And then So and yeah basically Disney's gone awoke. Here's another one.

Here's another one. Okay. Yoda. Oh, shit. Yoda is teaching a class, a college class. Oh, fuck me. He's like, the force works this way, but it says it in reverse. This way the force works.

Yeah, I couldn't think of that that fast. Or he could say like. And then, okay, and then a young Yoda girl. Oh, God. College-age Yoda girl. Smooth. With a nose piercing. smooth, nose piercing, raise her hand and says,

and she says, she says, don't think force works that way, but in reverse. Oh, fuck me, or maybe not, don't think that force works that. That's still a forward.

It's just a piggy. That's a good point. But yeah, well, maybe she's, okay, maybe she's actually like, maybe she's like,

force works that way, it actually doesn't. Oh, that's good. And then Yoda's like, oh, me know lots about force. That's how Yoda talks. And then,

and then, Handcuffs. Yeah. Oh, I was going to say... They say, you tried to Yoda's Splane. I thought this is going to be a different... Well, first of all, imagine that video, a good guy with the gun video,

where it's the guy who's waving the gun around in the restaurant, and then he comes up with a lightsaber and just does that, right? Uh-huh. That's the... That video. That's good. This one, Yoda is teaching... It's atheist professor Yoda.

Oh, fuck me. Oh, no. And he's teaching his class. And he says, real God is not. I was shaking that, too. And then one brave... Marine. A normal just

White. He stands up and he says real God is. Yeah. And then now that guy's a pan cuffs. Yeah.

And he dies. It sounds like the Lego Star Wars. Yeah. He has head pops off and coins go everywhere. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe there could be one where all the liberals move to Tatooine and it gets expensive to live there. See, we do need it. And they have,

I want blue milk in my latte. And they open. open a coffee shop called Jawa Java. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Blue milk. I can't have blue milk. I can only have...

Oat milk. They would like droid milk. They probably think that... Mom, I'm a droid. Yeah. Oh, my God. Don't even tell me that my son would say that to me, man. That would make me so fucking mad.

Yeah. Well, that's another just fucking... That's him also being a complete S.J.W. You call me mom out of nowhere. My son is an SJW. He keeps calling me mom. But yeah. We would do so good at a conservative Star Wars sketch.

We need a conservative. We need a conservative SNL, dude. Yep. That's what we need. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's the whole United States. More genders.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He's a conservative hero. He's saying more cowpoke. We want more cowpoke around. This is us making fun of a liberal. I have a really good one. I have a really good one. So the Mandalorian.

Okay, it's the mandolary. It's the scene where he takes his helmet off. Yeah. He's, like, dying and he takes his helmet off. And then this blue-haired lady with a piercing, with piercing all over. Tattoos up the neck. Yeah. Gang tattoos.

Shit. And she says, and she, the second his helmet comes off, she says, put that helmet back on. Haven't you heard about Darth COVID? Oh, my fucking God. Fuck. Oh, my God. That is incredible. That's the thing about a lot of these people who wear masks.

You know who else wore masks. She's like this, and she kills a line of babies. Yep. Here's what I would do. We could do a whole thing. It's a bakery, a conservative, normal conservative bakery that fucking won't make a gay wedding cake. Yeah. And then people are coming in and they're asking for gay wedding cakes and they all have masks on.

But they have like Jason Voorhe's masks or like a mask like Jim Carrey mask on, right? What's that one? Pinhead. Yeah, Panhead masks. Halloween every other year. Take your mask off inside the story. Halloween this year Keep the mask on or you're going to jail

Yeah What the hell's going on there, man Yeah It's like some kind of It's like we went into an opposite We're recording it in 2020 I think that Star Wars in 2020

Or ways a long time ago 2020 BC We could do Yeah 2020 BC Yeah Way a long time ago We could do All sorts of

Conservative SNL stuff I think But mostly Star Wars We could do straight Stephon Just gonna be Star Wars We could do an entirely straight stuff

where he talks about... He would not change in conservative. He might be right. No, no, we would do straight Stefan, and he'd be talking about different Dick's sporting goods he went to. Straight Stephons. They had footballs and they had basketballs.

Oh, my God. And they had basketball, footballs, and they had a golf ball and a golf club. And they had swimming trunks that were really long. They went past your knees over there. And I ate lunch, and I ate dinner. I didn't eat breakfast. I didn't eat breakfast.

I'm doing intermittent fasting, and I'm on the carnivore diet, and I only eat honey, dairy, and meat. And we'd go, God, that's some funny fucking conservative. That's funny because it's true. Yeah. Can I do another Star Wars one or a really short one? Yeah.

So it's Darth Mall, okay, and he has his double lightsaber. But he has the two, he's like rubbing him together, and he's going like, uh, uh, uh. He's gay. Oh. Okay. Gay ass. I didn't know where this was going until you said he was gay, and then I thought it was fucking hilarious.

But I feel like. I still has the face tattoos, too. Yeah. Because those gay guys have facial gay gang tattoos. Yep. All gay guys have face tattoos. Gay facial gang tattoos like nowadays people have. We can do conservative good neighbor too.

We'd be kind of a bad neighbor. I guess it's just the opposite. Bad neighbor. And we'd do a better neighbor. Better neighbor. Yeah. Oh, good homeowner. Yeah, that is good.

Good homeowner. Because you know when they're saying good neighbor, they're talking about an apartment building in some left-away country. For sure. But we would be a good homeowner, and there would be, what's a good neighbor sketch? We could do like Kyle interviews where he's talking normal. One of those ones where he smokes weed, but he's just smoking cigarettes and normal tobacco. Well, that's just Chris.

You smell. Yeah. Damn it. You might be right. I think they covered all the bases there. Damn it. Wait, maybe they're already conservative. Crypto conservatives.

God bless you, good neighbor. Boys after a couple of good old boys. Yeah. Weekend update, we could do. Oh, that would be really easy to put conservative. And they'd be doing This week, liberals are taking an extra lunch break Yep

During the day Blow that smoke off your mic that was heat Oh my god Meanwhile conservatives work the whole day through Nine to seven Yep Five days a week It's all that to be about work weeks

Oh yeah fuck well I've fucked all my jokes up So the Dow actually makes a bunch of money and makes everyone extremely happy. You know what I would love to have. And that's all I know about the doubt. And the liberals are more concerned with the cow as they are Hindu.

I guess this is just kind of Dennis Miller kind of stuff, huh? Yeah. But it's about work weeks. Oh, you're right. You know what I would love to do? What I would love to get on there at some point is having maybe a liberal could say something stupid

and then a conservative could say you are the weakest link. No, he could be like, say brainless. That's good. I really like that term right now as being like say brainless you really think that there's a fucking 60,000 genders yeah I have a good joke a good one that's all about work weeks

conservatives are often seen working a nine to five job I'd like to see a liberal live to 95 that's all the drugs and smoking and drinking and well drinking is okay all the drugs and smoking's okay too all the drugs yeah speaking of drinking

I have something And I promised I was going to do this. Wait, I have a joke. Okay, do your joke. I'll pull it out. So this week, I worked 40 hours because I'm a conservative Republican. Meanwhile, a Democrat family walked into a liquor store and said, that's that 40s hours. Yes.

Of malt liquor. And then they sat around with no job. Yeah, and my job, I'm a mall clicker. Yep. A mall clicker? I'm a full-time. I'm a mall-clicker. I have a real job.

Don't worry about it. like working Amazon M-Turk on your netbook, like I do, as a conservative. Or being a mall clicker. Or being a clicker at a mall, whatever that could possibly mean. Is that like a clicker of like you click how many people go into the mall? It's a mall clicker. It's obvious. All right.

What do you have here? I have, I found this on the way over here. It's a new energy drink called Blue Magic. It looks like an old energy drink. It's new to you. Can I hold it up to the camera? Yeah, hold it up to the camera. Yeah, let me actually check, speaking of that, let me check the expiration date on this.

You're drinking it going to matter. Yeah, it expired in 2022. You're going to drink that no matter all. All the way in 2022, that was almost a few days ago. Yeah, October 22. That's not too bad. That's really not that long ago. And this is a whiskey flavored, non-alcoholic energy drink.

Uh-huh. So. Called blue magic. Blue magic. And look at this logo of two dragons fucking. I don't think it's, I think it's a double-headed dragon like dragon tails. Two heads are better than one. I think they could be fucking.

They are having some. What's wrong with you, too? You think every brother and sister. Look at the expression of the one on the top. The one has its tongue out. He's going like this. Yeah, and the other one has its tongue out. I think that you two are reading into this a little much.

I think we'll all take a look and we'll take a sip. It says best served chilled. I'm going to let you take a sip first, and depending on your facial reaction, I may or may not take a sip. It certainly smells like whiskey. Does it have legs? Does it actually smell like whiskey? Yeah, we need like a... I don't know what that means.

Legs is when you put it in the glass, and then it, like, when it trickles down. Does it have legs? I don't have a glass. Does it have, what's one of those, what's one of those little things you put fancy whiskey in? It definitely smells like whiskey, and by that I mean some kind of gasoline. I don't think it smells like whiskey. What kind of gasoline? And by that, I mean, some kind of gasoline.

What are you? Eight years old? It smells like, it smells like an energy drink for the most. I definitely can, I can, I detect a hint. Yeah. Of maybe the smallest whiskey smell, but I think it mostly smells like an energy drink. The thing that matters the most here is the taste. Yeah.

Which... I would say with most things that you taste. It's pretty far up there. Does it taste like whiskey? Because it could be whiskey flavor, but also not have, like, the burn. Can you stop fucking running your mouth and take... There he goes. Yeah, that does taste like whiskey.

Really? Yeah, that tastes like if you got like a whiskey red bull at a bar. I'm going to read the ingredients before I do this. Yeah. Whiskey. And third one is carbon dioxide. I was reading some ingredients lately. Water, sugar, carbon dioxide, citric acid.

You know, fucking, like, to make it bubbles. Inositol. To make it bubbles. Just a little ingredient sidebar. Something funny I saw on an ingredients. I read the ingredients of a sour patch kid's bag, and the first ingredient is sugar, as you can guess. Oh, hell. Do you know what the second ingredient was?

Bloody tell me. It was inverted sugar. Oh, I've heard of that. Reverse sugar. Yeah, is that the sugar that's on the outside? It's simple syrup. All right, here I go. It's my turn to try this weird drinking.

Okay, go ahead. It doesn't taste like whiskey. It tastes a little bit like a whiskey ginger. It tastes like some kind of berry. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not bad. I kind of like it.

It's all right. Now you have to try. Yeah, I will. I'm just looking at it. Best serve chill. Best serve chill. I serve and I chill. Yo, you do.

You do serve. I serve. You do. You serve. Look at my green shirt. You can see Joel McHale right through me. God, I wish I would like them. Yeah, this is just an energy drink.

Well, it's whiskey flavor. I don't think it really is. It really has a flavor. Yeah, it's not very whiskey flavor, and it's distributed in the Bronx. It was made in Vietnam. Mm-hmm. All right, I'm going to have one more sip, and then I'm seriously done with this bullshit. Yeah.

So, something got in my tooth from that. Huh? Some kind of, there's debris in that. I'm not going to have more of that. There's debris. All right. I'm not going to have any more either. That was my backwash.

I had a lot of dirt in my mouth when I drank it. Why? Well, we could also drive up to their address here. I can't drive after having a sip of that bullshit. That's true. Drunk as hell right now. I'm fucking going crazy. You look honestly,

E-boy is shit with your awesome hair. Shut up. I fucking hate you. Damn. Put it up. Put it up right now. What do you mean? Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Damn. Oh, my God. You're going to make me cry. Why? I'm tearing up. Because you put your hair up

and it looks flames? Bro, don't tear. I hate that. I fucking hate that. You know what will make you not cry? You're not tearing up. You're tearing it up. Look at that outfit that hair.

You know, it'll make you not cry right now? What's that? Because if we did a tour, if we did a tours of our house. This is. Yo, motherfucker. Welcome to MTV Cribs. We're your three hosts,

Cameron, Caleb, and Patrick. And today, we're about to show you our cribs, right? Yep. Oh, do we have, we don't have a, intro cute or anything no i think what's the cribs intro i've never seen it's like uh it's blueprints it's like blueprints and it just says MTV cribs so maybe like jubio could like i found the piece of debris this is plastic that was in that look at this just this came out of that just look up MTV cribs intro that that's a hair this this little piece of plastic sand

it's right there well i see that's where the flavor is maybe um yeah we can just splice that this is perfect yeah this is basically uh crib it looks a lot like my house i'm gonna be real yeah um It looks beautiful. Who wants to go first with their crib? Patrick, you want to show your crib off? I'll show off my crib first. All right, and I guess we're in VR looking at each other's cribs. Yeah, so this is my crib right here.

Whoa. I live in an apartment in Bushwick. One of these new ones. Oh my God, this thing's sick. One of these new big glass buildings. I like the style of it. Yeah, these style of buildings are actually some of the most affordable and actually most goaded. And what's the address of it?

The address is, I think it's 12. I'm going Something decalb That's what this is In Bushwick It's off a decalb This looks dope This actually is fucking fire

Because there's so many amenities And rooftop party time Amenities I love that you can't tell If it's a hospital A school An apartment complex Or some kind of office

That's like an ideal Oh yeah That's the type of building You should live in Now let me see Let me show you what this Let me show you What my apartment looks like in here

Right so I need to scroll The next thing Here is my living room okay so what and Caleb seems to be blocking a piece of art that I bought with his head because you can see on the on the hold on go back to that camera right here these by my pixelated art pieces right there and that's just another piece of my pixelated art right there Pat what's going on outside right now what oh nothing nothing's happening outside nothing yeah this is just a normal ass day in Bushwick

outside. Yeah, as long as Eric Adams is the mayor and he won't fucking fund to the NYPD. That's true. Yeah. But because the NYPD got defunded,

I got this awesome art piece right here. Yeah. Wait, which one? This one right here. Well, you're not pointing anything. Oh, that one. Okay.

Did you think you were me for a second? You pointed behind? No, I thought Jubia would have had the sense to go back. No, he's not so smart. Now, let's go on to the next room here.

So wait, what room was that? This is my living room. This is my bedroom where the magic happens. Wait, what do you mean magic? Sexual relations with my girlfriend. Here? Fuck. I'd be fucking and sucking in here.

What the hell are you talking about? My girlfriend and my hose. You have hose and a Gia? I got hose too. I almost thought. And they got spinners on my bed. I almost thought that that was a Jaws movie poster. Nope.

That is left shark. Describe your room. So these are some art pieces I made. Okay. These are all. So, I made them in Adobe Illustrator. Read them out loud.

This one says dance like left shark. Yep. This is a Jaws poster that instead of Jaws, it says left shark. Yes. Left Shark is my spirit animal. And hashtag left shark swag. Now that's fine. This is a character I invented.

Left shark. Is that your O.C? My O.C. That's original content just by you. Uh-huh. See, I'm wearing my blue left shark jacket. Whoa, you are. Jacket I made to look.

See? yeah it looks yeah you do kind of look like left shark right now yeah yeah so you came up with left shark that's a good idea

for a character yep so as you do you fucking paint put up all your artwork in your own room so you're in here you're in here on that bed

and I show on my hose this stuff oh he's in the bed right now look at wow you look up I show all my hose my art and I say I made this so you bring girls back

you bring hose back you bang them you bang sluts Because that's the magic. And they look up and they see that and they say, And that's the magic of Cribs. Who's that? Me, oh my, that must be original content.

Yep. Wow. And that's what the magic is on C. Bishes love the O.C. It's bitches and hoes seeing my fucking O.C in my room. They love when you have O.C. Yeah, all right. Let's go to the kitchen now.

And this is another piece of original artwork that I've hung up. You made that artwork up there? You read it out. You read it out to everybody. So it looks like it's some kind of. metal, like plate metal, and it says Ghetto. Oh my God, wait, there's a fire in my kitchen. It says Ghetto Gaggers.

Yeah, that's not important right now. There's a fucking fire. Well, we can just cover that up. I don't remember that from something. I don't know what that is either. This is a piece of art that I bought. It's made out of rebar and gold. It's kind of beautiful. It is pretty. It's a bit blingy for my taste. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, it's crib, so I had to do it up blingy style. Yeah, I'm more classy than that, I guess.

And then I want to show you this last room in my house. house here. So this is my secret door. Oh, I love a secret door. Secret door is always nice. Cara Delavine's Architectural Digest video. Nope. She has a vagina door. That is messed the hell up.

Yeah. And I'm, at first I was thinking, do you have to rub it to go into it? Yeah, yeah, you probably have to smell it to fucking get it to open. Yep. So we're going to, we're going to take a step through this door right now. Before you go through it? Yeah, you probably have to walk around fucking find, trying to, yeah. Okay, imagine this scenario.

Where's the doorknob? I want to, yeah, I want to go through this door, but it's too dry. Yeah, yeah, that's right. But I'll go in anyway. Which is not a problem. Anyone's ever had here. Yeah, no, no, no. All right, let's take a step right into this door real quick.

Bro, I do say, I do have to say, like, seeing, if I see a dry pussy in, like, a porn video, I stop fapping. Yeah, that keeps me from fapping pretty fast. And I've been into fapping lately. Really? This is supposed to be an auto play. I've been over I mean Ruin the bit

What is this Harry Potter Gryffindor ambiance This is in my secret room Wow it's kind of Sick That is cool Yeah

So y'all fapping are sexy times I'm It's gonna be fucking fapping for me Yeah I've been into fapping lately I really like fapping a lot more Yeah What do you guys like to

Nalti video Do you guys like to fap to Do you guys like to fap to NSFW stuff Or more people going wild I do like NSFW. I like NSFW O-C. Oh, yeah, that's good.

It's not made by some fucking trillion-dollar studio, like MCU-Sty-U-style. Yeah, for sure. MCU-style naughty videos. I hate naughty videos. Nauty photos, on the other hand. Nottie gifts. I quite like.

I love a naughty gif. Fapping to a naughty gif. That's right. Here's another part of my room. Here's the thing. I hate when you're watching a porn. The gifts are the best because there's no sound, because sometimes you're watching a naughty video.

Oh, you mean a naughty video? And you're saying, you're talking the video. Oh, B, hey, video. And then the girl sounds like fucking Gilbert Godfried or some shit. Kills my bono. Put your penis in my ass. Yeah, and I'm going, uh, sound off, please.

And a gift thing. And then I'm watching... I'm watching a gif. And, and I see the girl mouthing. Yes. And... His upstairs are going to hear. Yeah.

They're going to hear that. Godfrey's down stairs getting fucked. He's alive. He's fucking fucked. Holy shit. I see the girl mouthing and I'm doing my own voice. I'm going like, oh yeah, put it in my ass. Wait, why? So it sounds sexy. You sit on the, you're telling me you sit on the toilet seat.

Yeah. Or on the my pillow on the floor. On the my pillow? On my pillow? On my pillow on the floor. What's your favorite place in your house to fap? Probably the closet. I like to fap with my back against the front door so no one

can come home I'm doing it and see me that is good I was talking to somebody about this I put a chair

under the door knob and I sit in the chair and I fap really hard and it makes the chair

go and everyone in the hall in the lobby of my building can you hear it I'm just going

oh oh no the chair breaks they just hear the sound of like a jenga tower falling down every day

it's like keep breaking chairs by leaving the door and then there's You're like a clattering noise and be going, oh! Yeah. What the hell's going on up there?

I'm a stunt man and I'm practicing. I'm practicing on my fucking stress. I was talking to somebody about this the other day. Somebody told me that they were at their parents' house and they were fapping and they were like, but their door doesn't have a lock on it over Christmas. They were fapping. And they were just saying like, yeah, it sucks like worried about getting caught by your mom or your grandma or whatever. And I was saying about, do you think it's worse to get caught masturbating completely just like, in the middle, masturbating, you had no idea they were coming?

Or is it worse to, like, hide it or something? But for whatever reason, you can't hide that you have, like, a huge boner. And so your mom walks in and it just looks like you're sitting there watching TV with a boner. Probably jacking it is worse. But, like, when you, as a mom, you hope that your brother or your son faps. You hope that he faps. Don't put your mic down like I'm crazy. I guess I'd rather my mom not, not about this.

I mean, genuinely, for us, you got so lost in describing what this is. No, I didn't. I didn't get details. You were getting so like. But your mom walks in, she's in a night dress, and you're fucking, and you have the biggest boner ever. Right? And she's just like, why is my son sitting there with a boner for no?

And he's like, no, no, that's a bug. Yes. Oh, what the hell? There's a bug in my pants. Yeah. And then she gets the fly swatter and you're like, mom, I have to tell you something. She gets the bug assault gun out I was fapping

I was fapping to naughty videos I was fed into a naughty photo I was I was fapping To naughty videos It is better to do The girl's voice I think I was faping

When you're that good at it Will you come do the girl voice On my videos that I watch My naughty videos All right show us to your house pat This is it That was it Yeah that was it

You have a small ass A small house Hey man I have They're an apartment in Bushwick. Half of your fucking house is a secret room. Yep. Well, there's different angles of this secret room. There's tons.

Oh, my God. Yeah. You have a bloody amazing secret room. Uh-huh. It's bloody brilliant. All right. So it looks so small in the outside, but then you get into the secret room and it's like, oh my God, it's like a whole other apartment.

Well, gee, that was MTV Cribs. Oh, fucking wait. We still got two more houses to go to. They put three people in every episode of Cribs. Let's check out. Now we're ready to check out my fucking house. Sounds good to me. Caleb's house.

Is this a room? Or is this in your wall? This is the title for my house. Go next. Is this the outside? So welcome to my hood. You remember that song? Yeah.

Welcome to my hood. Everybody's fucking cool. Gangsters and the gangsters. Bloods and crips are all here. Welcome to my hood. Welcome to my hood. Go next. Here, if you come to my hood and, oh yeah, I live in, I live in fart.

It's like right next to Saldogi and Siyud. You can't really see Siyud, but it's over there. Have you heard of Saldogi? No. Yeah, Saldogian my penis. You're Salka, no, I was going to do that. Yeah, true. Do you know doggie?

Yeah, have you seen Fart? I mean Bofa. No, go next. This is my house. You can't miss it. It's got giant impact font that floats above it that says the perfect house doesn't exit dot, dot, dot, dot. As you can see, it's about 50% house, 50% garage.

Yeah. We're out of the way to see that garage, Pat. I'm a bit of a car guy, okay? I know you guys know that about me. Don't kiss each other, please, because that's not allowed in my fucking house. Which way do I go? Which way do I go to show this garage? Don't worry about it.

It's a garage. Go next. So let's open up the door into my house. Hey, you're in the way. Get out of the way of the door. Just have the camera on me. It's my fucking house. Open the door.

and let's see what's inside my house. Oh, my God. Looks like we interrupted Jim Norton. He's just sitting right there at the entrance. Hey, what's up, Jim? Hey, man, don't mind him, all right? Don't mind Jim Norton. He hangs out sometimes at my house.

Welcome to my house. That's cool. All right, let's go next. What's up? So here's my kitchen. my pantry. This is where I do all sorts of stuff. I'm watching Adam Ragusea. I'm watching Kenji. I'm watching... Oh, your arrows, too, are there. Joshua Weissman on a loop, on mute. This is pretty much a... This is, this was the big feature when I talked to the architect. I said,

here's what I want. I want a one-to-one recreation of the guys grocery game set directly in my kitchen, and I want competitors running around doing their things. Let's check on one of those competitors. Press next for me. Oh, my God. It's Jim Norton again. what's he making he's making scrambled eggs i can't wait to have those god i'm hungry for some scrambled egg you can't really see very well but they look really good they look delicious they're they're still in the shell that's a they're probably scrambled inside he likes some rare here's my bathroom oh this is fire this is a fire ass bathroom is it not so here's what i like i got i have only a urinal i too i put my turds in it too i just thought i was like you know how i always

wanted. It was a fucking urinal. Everything's mechanic theme. We got the old mechanic newspapers on the wall. We have that soap that Patrick got for the office for some reason that washes off the oil. Which, by the way, I would like to why the hell did you get a fucking

five-gallon thing of mechanic soap? Okay. At the time it did make sense, but then we started building a set in here and you were getting paint on your hands all the time. Don't slap this like that was a great point. It was a good point. It was not. I didn't ask, did it work out?

I asked, why did you get it in the first place? Because when I lived in the dorms in community college, my roommate had it because my roommates were in the mechanic. He was an old man. They were both mechanics. Oh, okay. And you were like, I like this. And I liked, yeah, it made my hands real. If you don't do a day's work and you use that shit, that pumice stone makes your hand soft.

Hmm. I don't like it because it smells like nothing. So we're in the bathroom. Go ahead and click next. oh my god wait jim jim's in here so sorry jim we interrupted you you were standing there in your underwear are you getting ready for a shower or something that's my bad buddy so let's go over to the living room oh yeah i got some dope this is dope as shit god damn i like your i'mac i got my office if patrick will move i got my office over there to the left uh that's where i do

a lot of my that's where i do all my work uh i have my framed uh pictures of bridges uh there's some bridges get his cock out of your mouth right now i didn't have anything in my mouth you're so gullible again i like to keep that whole i like to keep that whole kind of car theme moving throughout the whole house right yeah cars are cool they're fucking badass no cars is dope i love all sorts of cars bici eclipse that thing is badass toyota hot toyota Honda Ford um was about to say Toyota a Toyota Honda that's too they make that that's a real car they make that for rich guys Autobots, Decepticons. The Mazda-Bombocons.

Yeah, me and Cameron saw a Decepticon or an Autobot on the way over here. For real? Did you know that Autobots are in like 2002 Ford Fusions now? Really? It's fucking crazy. Or a Jedda. That's what it was. And it was so dirty.

It was covered in dirt. Probably from fighting a Decepticon. That was a Beets pill or something. It was probably from the Beast Wars. Yeah, it had to have been. So let's keep going. As you can see, I have some awesome-ass art. that I hunt hanging up in my place.

This one says heavy metals, and we got Febba and Zinn. Oh, that's our initials. You got a friendship painting? My initial is Fetter, Patrick Boren, and Zane. Zane. That'd be a cool new name for me. Zane, Caleb.

Zane. That'd be my alternative ego. That could be good. Zane. I got more art, though. This is a beautiful portrait of a beautiful mind. This is Dr. Jordan B. Peterson. this is him thinking about

thinking about just hot dogs and hamburgers and all the kind of stuff he likes with no mustard by the way I love his frog throat yeah I think he looks really good here and if I were him I would also sell this in my store

is this so go next and then I have this one so that says Adolf Rizzler I just thought that was a dope-ass fucking art piece of art and hey if you want one too go ahead and click

next. If you want one, too, you can go to Red Bubble and get the Riz design for people with the highest Riz ever poster. And I did this. I paid in four interest-free payments of $4.30 with afterpay. Adolf Rizzler. Wow. And you got the semi-gloss finish, too. Damn, and they used

a picture of your house for the fucking fucking... Well, yeah, of course. I submitted it. This is my item. He's the most famous. What are you doing? Stop. Okay. And I had to get in the semi-gloss one time for the one time. So, I go next.

And here's where the magic happens. Here is where the magic happens. Race car bed. Okay, when Patrick said magic, he meant sexual relations. No, I'm learning magic tricks. I have, okay. Wait, hold on. Watch this.

Okay. It may just look like an ordinary pencil, right? Watch this. Who do, do, do. It's completely rubberized. Oh, wow. So that's the kind of thing. There's a rubber right at the end of the pencil.

So that's the kind of thing that I've been learning how to do in my race car bed. Uh-huh. And I have a bunch of dope-ass books everywhere. I have... This looks like Jay Leno's garage. That was actually a heavy inspiration. Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

I had Jay come out and do some consulting work for me. Oh, is that why his face got all burnt? Yeah, I would say the number one thing here, though, is my safe. If you can't... If you'll move just a little bit, I have... There's no... Switch the camera and all moves. I can move better than Patrick can.

Oh, man, nobody can see my... Try the other one. Maybe move the page around, yeah. Oh, well, it's not. Oh, my God, you left my safe over there. There's my safe, so that's what... Wait, what a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a safe is fucking open.

What? Huh? Wait, what the hell happened? Go next. Who, oh my God, it's Chip Chipperson. And he... Chip Chipperson, the bastard broke into my fucking safe and started stealing my... It looks like $24. That's horrible.

Out of my safe, because he's such a thug gangster. God damn it, Chip Chipperson. He keeps sneaking into my house. It's been a serious problem. him. Luckily, press next. Luckily, my security guard's on it. He's going to come in and he's going to take this bastard out of here. Oh, he's in your teacher's lounge.

Yeah, he's in the teacher's lines. I have one in there. That's what I lock up. That's what I say. When I become a millionaire, dude, I'm putting a teacher's lounge. I was never allowed in there in school. Yep, a teacher's lounge where teachers aren't allowed. Yeah, exactly.

The teacher's not allowed. Oh, my God. A nightclub that's called the teacher's lounge. That's a good idea. But basically, yo, that's my crib. So I'm going to have my security guard. Kick yo ass out. Peace. Peace. Damn.

You didn't finish yours like that. That's how they're always supposed to finish it. Peace. They finish with peace. They say, I'm going to kicking your ass out. Can I, um, can I redo my ending real quick? Play that one more time. Um, I'm going to cast a spell to make your ass leave. Peace.

Peace out, bitch. And then you close the door right on them. Yeah. All right. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So, who do you think had the cooler house so far?

I think you did because you had Chip Chipperson in there. No, I don't want chip... Hey, if you want that bastard vagrant Chip Chipperson in your house, you can fucking have him. All right. I don't want him anywhere near my MTV crib. All right, guys. Simmer down. All right.

It's time for the master, the housemaster. All right. Is that you? I guess. You're some kind of housemaster? I'm the housemaster. Okay, pull it up. Pull up my crib.

All right, so this is my crib. Cameron, this looks like a fucking lavatory. Looks like an outhouse, man. Well, this is just the outside of my house. Okay. And I think you're going to be surprised when you're, step inside. Let's go to the next slide here. And let's

move into my foyer. You have a foyer? Let's move into my foyer, please. There it is. Oh, wow. So, it's so spacious in here. Umbrella Corporation vibe. It's actually really, really spacious, and there's a lot of doors that go into different dimensions. It's a long, long nightmare before Christmas. That's scary. There's a

long, long hallway with tons of gray doors everywhere, fluorescent lights. It's kind of, I would say, neo-brutalism. The style. Yeah, so I'm really into architecture and style. Neo, I think I learned from neo-Nazis or the Matrix. And then Brutalist, I think that's a Skyrim thing. How did you learn that from, how did you learn that from Neo-Nazis?

What do you mean? The word Neo? Were you hanging out with them? No. He was just doing research. No. The name. The name.

Okay, that's what you meant. But the next room I want to show you guys is my living room. Okay. So let's see my living room here. Please. All right. Oh, who's this? Your roommate?

Oh, yeah, that's one of my roommates. What's his name? That's Tad. Oh, shit. He's a Tad. He's a Tad. He's just relaxing. He's a tattoo front and center in this photo, if you ask me.

I mean, it's his house, too. He, you know, he can... I would say MTV Cribs very rarely does one with roommates. Let's not focus too much on the roommate. I mean... You're supposed to be showing a life of excess and luxury. This guy... Well, look at this...

Okay, look at this liver. I got... I have a plant on wheels. Probably don't see that in a lot of houses, do you? I've seen that. That's motherfucking wealthy, wealthy shit. You look at my house. You don't think I have a plant that's on wheels.

Everything's got fucking wheels in my car house. Hold up. The person with a bad house. You also the person with a good house? Yes. Check this shit out. You know how wealthy Cameron is? He's got watermarks all over his living room.

Holy. Look at that shit. Custom paint job. Designer. Alamy stock photo. Alamy paint. Designer. But let's move on to the kitchen, I guess.

You guys don't like the living room. So, by Tad. By Tud. My taste. It's a bit. Oh, who's this? Oh, that's Marcus. Okay.

Okay, Marcus and Ted? Well, yeah, it's just one of my roommates. More are these water marks, dude. Yeah, this is Dream's time. Dreams time and the spirals. I knew you had it like this. But that's just Marcus, you know, he likes to talk on the phone. He's got to use a conversationalist by trade.

Get your feet off that damn oven. You're going to get your piggies burnt. Don't tell Marcus what to do. Yeah, that's nasty. Also, I didn't realize that you had fucking, I think this guy might be squatting. Look at his ripped jeans. Yeah. Dude, he's a hippie type.

Do you live with a homeless? No. He literally lives in the house. How could he be home was? That's just Marcus, bro. You guys are focusing way too much on the people. No, I'm focused on these watermarks. Look at the white tile.

I do like subway tile. And look at my jars. Oh, I love mason jars. Do you have pickles in them? It looks like I have yellow and white. Yeah. In the jars. Damn.

Another thing of art that I have up in my house is actually a mason jar is a cup. That's what's in my house on the wall. Okay. Well, I don't really care about that because your house is over. What's the next room? going to. Oh, we're going to head to the dining room.

This is where you take the food from the kitchen. Who's this? Oh, that's Brick. He's fucking huge. Yeah. Well, he's just, he's one of my roommates.

Holy cow. Brick, what the hell are you eating? He's a hungry guy. He likes strawberries. He likes bread. Looks like he's eating half a cantalope. Yeah, he likes cantalope too. I love that Henley.

Yeah. And look at his, look at his collar. I mean, wow. Oh, my gosh. But that's just brick. And again, again, watermarks around the fucking house, dude, you got it. Adobe, stop.

You are so money and you don't even fucking know it. Now, so I do want, if Brick, if you could just move out of the way, which it seems like he's kind of, he's kind of just staring us down. He might be a little confused that you guys are in here, so I don't blame him. Drick's drinking from this French press straight up. It's a little blurry because it looks like maybe the camera's focusing on brick, but you can see all my utensils in the background. That's a French press.

It's a mocha pot. Oh, fuck on. And you can see my shelf, well, you can't see my shelf, but there's a lot of utensils in the background. I'll say, I'll say this much. Your dining, or your kitchen looks lit. Yeah, well, this is my dining room, actually. Your dining room looks lit. Well, you said kitchen first.

Yeah, I know. Well, I get confused sometimes about my house. Get off of Brick's breast. Get off of his breast right now, Patrick. Stop licking brick. This is his house. You're walking into his house and being so fucking disrespectful. Sexually nasty to him.

All right, you all want to see where I sleep? Off a shizzle. Bedrooms up next. Who's this? Who are these four? That's the family. The Smith family. This is where the magic happens for them?

No. Oh, my God. Wait. Are you fucking this whole family? They made magic two times. Look at that. They sleep during the day, and I sleep at night. What do they do during night? They get up and roam?

And go around. They go to work. Even the kids? They go to night school. Oh, God. There's a vampire family or some shit. But, you know, I guess it's kind of annoying that they're sleeping here right now because I wanted to show you guys some other parts of the bedroom.

I mean, I want to see. There's not even a single, I guess this must be the Smith's room because there's not a damn watermark. What are you talking about? Dreams time. Where in the middle? You're covering it up, pal. Oh, shit. I got it like that.

On the comforters, no less. The duvet. On the kid. I like it because these... You got a watermark on the kid, too. The family's kind of enjoying a dream's time right now. They're shocked out, snoozing on your shit. You can see it over here.

I got some flowers down on the corner. I see that. I do really wish that the Smith family would kind of move out of this shot because I wanted to show off my bed. Let's not bother them there asleep. I'm just screaming in here. All right, well, let's go to the closet. Okay. Because you all better bully.

Oh, hey. Oh, shit. Sarah Michelle Geller. That's not Sarah Michelle Geller. But her name is Sarah. Damn. Coincidence. She just stays in the closet.

I don't really know. I don't know what her deal is. But you can see my clothes. No water marks in the closet. That makes sense. She just isn't there. That's a good move. She doesn't really do much.

Do you ever accidentally reach for a coat and you actually grab her? You wear her all day? I have done that once or twice. That's got to be bloody embarrassing. I shouldn't admit that. But you see my shirts. I got stripes. I got checks.

I got solid colors. I got no pants to shirts. Whole closet, only shirts in one woman. Kind of Winnie the Pooh style closet. I like it. I'm walking around. That's fire.

No bottoms. That's fine. I don't wear bottoms at home, dude. Definitely. You don't have to. It's your house. You know what I'm saying? I don't remember what the next room.

This is Communist Asia? So the next room's my bathroom. Oh, snap. Wait, I hate to alarm you. There's two lovers in your bathtub. That's Billy and Willa. Oh, snap. They just take baths in there.

They're dirty people. They're dirty like in a sexual manner? Are they making a naughty video? She's drinking his piss. Look. Yeah, she's got a piss cup out there. But no, they're just, they just, they like, they usually roam around during the day, so they usually take a lot of baths. And they're, they like to be, we like to be water efficient in my household, so I let

them take two baths at once. Okay. Well, it seems like they like taking two baths at once. Yeah, they're friends. They're just friends. Yeah, they're friendly with each other. See, this is the problem, man. Hey, pal, I don't ask too many questions about my roommates.

I'm trying to stay on good terms. Straight up, if I was, what's his name? Billy? If I was Billy, I'd be getting fucking, I'd be getting a Woody. Okay, well, we haven't even met Woody yet, though I don't know why you're bringing him up. Well, you'd be calling me Woody, because I'd be sitting in his bathtub with a fucking boner that could put out the sun. But I am kind of annoyed at this, that they're taking up the frame here, because I really can't show off much of my bathroom. I mean, you can see my bath faucet, my tub faucet.

That's a good one. That's quite nice. Candy cane style, as they call it. Yeah, it's got the hook to it. Yeah, it looks like a metal candy can. I do wish... You know, I've been talking to all these realtors as of late. Every fucking apartment I go into and they've been saying,

yet the faucets are all candy-can-style faucets. Stanley steel appliances, candy-cane style faucets. I wish that Billy and Willa get out of the damn tub because I've got a beautiful bottom of the tub. Oh, yeah, does it have a gumdrop stopper? Oh, me. Gum-drop stopper, Eminem pebbles. Like a fish bowl.

I bet that shit feels so good on your back when you rub up and down on it. Yeah, I do rub up and down on it. on it, but I'm not in the bathtub that often because they are in the bathtub 23 hours a day. They're in the bathtub often. And the other hour they are in the dirt. So please tell me you have a shower in the bathroom as well. Well, no, it's just the bath. Oh, damn. That's nasty. You nasty, bro. That's that type of shit you get in pushway. Well, I get to take a bath a day because there is one hour. They're not in there. That's true. But, you know, you guys thought maybe I only have one bedroom, no shot. We got a guest bedroom. Anytime you guys want to come over, you can come to

the guest bedroom. Isn't it weird that we've never been to each other? houses. There's let's show it off. So that's Woody. That's Woody. That's Woody. Woody, what are you doing?

He looks like he's a tired, tired guy today. He's all tuckered out. I don't think he's trying to sleep. He looks like he's looking to the door for help. He's a construction worker and he works hard during the day. So he comes back and he just zonks out. He has a condition where he sleeps with his eyes open and with his arms and legs out. Is he tied?

Is it tied almost? No, those are his cuffs he wears. He wears those for balance. He has to climb up all these lights. He has to climb these kind of like electrical towers and all sorts of buildings, so he uses those to balance himself. Is he strapped in like Mike Berbiglia so that he doesn't jump out a window in the middle of his night? He's not strapped in at all, guys. Those are accessories he wears.

Those are bracelets. Oh, he's like Chris Cole. He wears fucking sweat bands. Those are bracelets. He hooks them into the construction site so he doesn't fall down. And one of the bracelets is one of those seasickness bracelets because he rides a lot of boats for his job. What's that bracelet around his waist? I'm sorry that I so insensitively accused him of being sexual.

He's cosplaying as macho from Pokemon. And the bottoms, too. Yeah. Okay, I like it. Yeah. But let's see what my next room here is. I want to show you all my man cave. Oh, hell yeah.

This is where I go to jail. I hope they're not in there right. I hope the boys aren't in there right now. Well, that's what you want in the man cave. Oh, the boys are, okay. What the hell? Looks like the boys are busy watching sports. I don't think so.

It looks like maybe they're going on some kind of... You've been watching too much avatar. He started acting like chains. James Cameron doing some deep-sea diving. Well, it's funny to say, James, because that is James there with the gas mask on. Really? I don't know if you can hear us. He probably doesn't even know we're in here.

Gas mask? Is it a Smoker's Lounge? And that's Tyler's foot up there. Where is the rest of them? You can tell Tyler got the shiny feet. That's how you can tell. Who's this guy with his back to us? Oh, don't worry about that guy.

He doesn't live here. Oh, okay. We're going to move forward to my study, though. This is where I get a lot of my research done. Yeah, I'd love to see your study. Hey, you could almost call that your man cave a study. It's so many studs in there. This is my study.

Really? Yeah, and these are some more of my roommates. All these little families? Yeah, well, they're not, none of them are related to each other. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. It's like a co-op you live in. No, it's just a house.

Oh, it's just a house. Yeah. But this is where I get a lot of my research done. Yeah, I don't know why you're moving the mouse around down there. That's just one of my roommates. That's a baby with a weird. He's got a fucked up head. I don't know what you're talking about.

That's the most fucked up head on the scene. This is Darrell. How old is he? 27. He's small. Look at how. It's just the angle of the camera. I really wish that all these people weren't getting their study done right now

because I really wanted to show you guys my book collection, but it's just so far away and we can't really get past my roommates here. Yeah, we have to jump over all those people. Look, look, I'm crushing their head. No, that's not very nice to do. Yeah, that's very violent. Well, I have one more thing to show you guys in my house, and it's actually outside of that. This is my backyard.

Oh, my God. This is your backyard? Well, so some of my roommates are having a picnic right. Holy cow. That doesn't look like a picnic. It looks like nearly a million people. It's actually a thousand. Wow.

That's way more than a thousand people. It's actually thousands to the point where it's a million. Maybe not. That's the thing when people say, but it's my backyard anyway. A million could also be thousands. And you can see, so that up right here, that's Clint. Oh, hey, Clint. And over...

When girlfriend got mad, I couldn't find Clint. Over here, right over there. That's Gabriella. Oh, she's lovely. Yeah, she's very lovely. She's so far away that I can barely tell us. This guy right here, that's actually the gardener. I don't know.

name. Oh, and that's Alfonso. And Alfonso. I know Alfonso from school. Yeah, he lives here. Shit. But that's my crib, so, you know, usually I would say get the fuck out. But if you guys want to join the picnic.

All right. Yeah, I'm not opposed. I can't. I can't. I'm ready to, I'm ready to, I'm ready to have a picnic. Jubio can't, though. He's on the other side of the world. Jubio, what's your crib looking like?

He's going to look up a TP. He lives in this. He lives in the blue pen. They haven't made your house yet. Oh, okay. You live in a McDonald's? Wow. Wow.

That's where he lives. He lives it nowadays. All right, well, listen up. If you like these Cribs, then watch all the other episodes of Cribs. Yeah. Now, get the fuck out. And subscribe to a podcast about Cribs on the Patreon. And also watch us on the Twitch.

And also, Jubio will be doing. a blood drive. You're terrible at 10. Get the fuck. Get the fuck out of our now. Get the fuck out of here. Get the hell of the fuck out of here. Go! I'm a fap.