Podcast About List - Ep. 242 - Fudd's Comedy Cub

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

With the new space we decided to finally open the world's first Fudd's Comedy Club and decided to take to the stage ourselves to showcase some new underground talent from the dirty streets of New York City that you wouldn't hear from in any other venue. Watch the full video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

You're a real puppy dog. Hey, who are you calling puppy dog over here? I'm a big dog. I'm a full-grown adult. Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Hello, everybody, and welcome to the open mic.

Your first comedian is Caleb Pitts. Woo! Hey, guys, Okay. I'm 15 years old, and I'm fucking clueless. Pretty much the title, LMFAO. I have no idea if these jokes are appropriate for my first open mic. Criticism, not just welcomed, but invited.

I'm looking to improve, not impressed TV. Here are my jokes. Teenage activists, you know them, always parading their views about issues such as climate change and LGBT rights. They love saying that they want their voice to be heard. I understand their point completely. It can be hard to speak very loud when I'm throttling them to death for being annoying cunts. As I'm sure you can tell, I'm extremely new to performing comedy. well to be fair i'm pretty new to living at the age of 15

but that's beside the point all i ask of you is please can i have no heckling or jeering throughout this set and in the words of my math teacher please don't make me run out the room crying with six flesh wounds this time i believe it ticot and other apps that give you instant gratification in short burts are ruining my generation's engine span. It's gotten so bad that they can't go five minutes without losing into stairs out into the distance. Oh. Wow. That one's pretty good. Wow. I kind of like

that one. That one gets a wow from us. Have you ever stopped to think why exactly my generation is called Generation Z? I'm starting to think it might be because they saw us with our TikTok and our pronouns and thought, this is it. End of the line for humanity. Let's skip to the end of the alphabet. I've been told by many people from the older generation that all the rap music I listen to sounds the same. I'm assuming this is because without their hearing aids, everything sounds silent.

Boo. No, you can't boo me. You cannot boo me. Okay. I take the bus to school every day. I don't know what it used to be like, but these days, every single person on the bus

is looking on their phone well that stopped last week when the bus driver has drove us off a cliff after being distracted on Instagram okay the dog is talking into the microphone he keeps growling too I live in an extremely small

village where things are quiet anybody else live in an extremely small village I live in an extremely small village where things are quiet and I mean literally quiet there's barely any sound the loudest thing I hear daily is the tweeting of birds

the gentle breeze and the distant shotguns of people killing themselves in the background I find these funny but my sense of humor is kind of retarded so again feedback please so I want feedback on my jokes I'm 15. This is my first time doing this. Okay. Can you read

um, can you read that one about the village again? I live in an extremely small village. Where things are quiet and I mean literally quiet. There's barely any sound. The loudest thing I hear daily is the tweeting of birds, the gentle breeze and distant shotguns of people killing themselves in, sorry, I said in the background. It's in boredom. In boredom.

In boredom. In boredom. Because it's so quiet. So just real quick ratings. Ratings on that set. I like when you said the Flesh wounds joke. That was good. That was good.

It's kind of a brick. I think this kid is probably British. Yeah. Well, yeah, he lives in a village. Yeah. He's either British or Romanian. Oh. I thought that the jokes maybe lacked a little bit of perspective.

Okay. I don't exactly know anything more about you other than the fact that you're 15 years old. Well, I'll tell you, this is my first stand-up comedy bit. feedback would be much appreciated two different kinds of shit I'm 16 now and I have wanted to be a comedian for ages this is just my first attempt at a bit

and I'm gonna get real comfortable on this one Mike out of the stand this is just my first attempt at a bit Judge harshly do what you have to do I want to improve okay so here's my new bit now that I'm a year older a year wiser years past this is my new bit

I know shit and poop are the same thing but there is a distinct different between a shit and a poop. Poop is a little glop. Yeah, a glop. Just a poop.

Just drops. Take diaper off. No mess. A shit is a shit. A shit is the fucking mess that seems to spread like a viral disease. It spreads like it's got half a brain to go somewhere and has a cab to catch.

It starts by the shitter and ends up in your kid's hair. Probably in his mouth if you're a shit parent, always in their mouths. Kids won't take food made for eating, but give them some shit and 10 seconds flat, it'll be in their mouth. If not in their mouths, then in your mouth. So that's my shit versus poop. I think that that's going somewhere very good. Yeah. Yeah. I think shit versus poop is really good. I think a year has definitely made you smarter, stronger. Let's see what happens when you're 17. Well, let's see, because now I'm 17.

Okay. And I just did my first open mic. Wow. I totally bombed. I don't have a video, but here are some of my jokes. Tell me what you think, and feel free to steal them. Number one, I was with a friend at a party the other day and noticed someone dropped something into her drink. I rushed over and tried to stop her from drinking it, but I was too late and she passed out.

Now, like the good friend I am, I sat next to her the entire night and made sure no one touched her while I had sex with her. Jesus. At the bar? Or at the party? I think I was at a part, yeah. In the middle of a party. Yeah. Okay.

And I just, you know. Yeah. Number two joke. But rape isn't funny. That's why we have rape whistles. Because it's not funny. An incredible invention that has saved millions of girls from getting raped each year. Extremely effective.

That's why I like to take my dates to sporting events. Oh, you're a rapist? You rape? Guys, I'm kind of doing an Anthony Jesselink thing. I have to suit on. It's kind of dark humor. Okay. I'm only 17 years old.

You didn't really prefer. He didn't say like warning dark humor or anything like that. Well, I did kind of say that I had kind of an R-worded sense of humor. That's true. Number three, I hate living with roommates because we get into fights all the time over the littlest things. Like the other day, my roommate caught me eating his food and got mad at me. So in retaliation, he broke one of my DVDs. I was mad at first until I realized the joke was on him. It was his sister's DVD.

Yeah, she let me borrow it after I fucked her. Okay. Number four. Okay, so this is a two-part question. Oh, okay. Male athletes are scumbags. They have sex with hundreds of women and have dozens of kids that they never take care of. You never hear about that with women athletes.

I think that's because women, unlike men, actually have responsibility and take care of their kids by having an abortion. I think the face there is really good. The face is pulling a little weight. Should I do all that? Yeah. Say that joke again, but like...

Mug the whole time. Mug the whole time. And then once you hit the punchline, I want you to basically just like look into the... Look right into the camera. Okay. Male athletes are scumbags. They have sex with hundreds of women.

and have dozens of kids that they never take care of. You never hear about that with women athletes. I think that's because women, unlike men, actually have responsibility and take care of their kids. By having an abortion. That's amazing. Is that better? Yeah, that's really good.

It's hard for women athletes to have an abortion, though, because they're always in the public eye and millions of girls look up to them as role models. Plus, they practice running up and downstairs every day. Just try pushing them down. one, a flight of them. Damn nearly impossible. Oh.

You hit the woo button on that? Wait, say that again? Guys, I have always thought titles were weird. I feel like you have to be proficient in something to call yourself it. Like, I've played music most of my life, so I would call myself a musician. I'm a student, a programmer, a registered sex offender required to buy a law to tell you I'm moving into your neighborhood. So I made two edits to my post.

Number one was grammar, and number two was, thanks everyone for the feedback. I like offensive jokes. Just because I want people to realize how stupid it is to get offended at certain things. It's just jokes. But I realize I'm not as good as a writer as Jesselnik or Carr. That's Jimmy Carr. So it may just come off as crude to be crude. I guess I'll try to stick to this safe stuff for now.

You have an example of safe stuff? Safe stuff would be probably a not-knock joke. Can you do a safe joke right now? Yeah. Sure. I think Hannibal Lecter got humans and lays potato chips mixed up. Okay, that'll be, I'll be back later. Give it up. Give it up, everybody. Who's next? I can go next.

Our next comedian is going to be. He's very, very funny. Please give it up for Cameron Fedder, ladies and gentlemen. Keep it going. Keep it going. for Cameron. Wow, look at him. How's it going? Everybody. Good, man. Crazy show so far, huh?

Let me zoom the camera. Let's see here. Sorry, I gotta remember what I'm doing, you know, as a stand-up sometimes. You'd get all your jokes mixed up. I'm sure everybody knows. No, it doesn't happen to me, really. My wife is a big fan of

grape jam. I'm not a fan myself, but it's better than banana jam. Didn't shit right for a week after that horror. Damn. What is banana jam? The other day, my Spotify

started playing music in my pocket. It was MC Hammers, you can't touch this. That song is so good. I couldn't help but dance to it. I even got passerbyes involved in everything. It was great. The people at my grandma's funeral were not happy.

You were dancing at your grandmother's fucking... To Spotify from my pocket. To Spotify from the pocket. Pocket Spotify at my grandma's funeral. But you said you got people to dance with you, so it seems like they were... Oh, okay. People were walking by the funeral. Yeah.

It was an outside funeral. Okay. The hardest part about the gym is hunger. Yeah. It's very hard to lose weight when you eat all the time. Pulls out a Snickers. Guys, I have a 35-year-old friend who argues that he's not a millennial. I read in a blog that said, I'm an ex-enial.

It's the term for someone born in the late 80s who doesn't identify as a millennial. Which is the most millennial sentence ever spoken? Anybody? buddy. Vince Young retired from football today. In other news, as of yesterday, Vince Young was still considered a football player. Damn.

Christianity explains a lot. It explains why I get sexually aroused by barbecue. Read Genesis. Read Genesis. Women. evolved from ribs. That's where they get those thick, meaty curves. Barbecue sauce makes an amazing lube in the bedroom, too.

My GF never lets me use it like that, but occasionally she will get me off with a dry rub. That's pretty good. But we can't use BBQ sauce. No, it would hurt as salt. You want salt all over your cock and cayenne pepper? Democrats are now considering allowing prayer back in schools. After discovering recently that prayers were

recently prayers were discovered that they work by democrats a couple months back i discovered a secret setting on our shower head and promptly used it to clean my nether region causing me to accidentally shit the tub since then i've been accidentally shitting the tub every day wait i have a question on this yeah what so you you washed your my nether region balls yeah i think it means but another reason is your penis and your balls well i guess it's including the butt because how did it make him shit that's what i'm that's my question but also why would washing your ass make you shit well that's the maybe it was so clogged that he got the he was like pulling up like a cork out yeah yeah cork of shit oh oh i don't forget it's a secret setting yeah

as well. So you don't know what. Oh, he was like douching his ass. He must have been with the showerhead. And then it made him shit? Then it unplugged all the shamed. Anyway, to get healthy, I make my own mayonnaise. Got it.

Gotta beat the hell out of eggs and oil. It's not hard, though. See, it uses the same muscles as masturbating. No. Which is what you do when girls find out you can't afford mayonnaise. It's a viscous cycle. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

A viscous cycle. That's pretty good, man. I recently ripped my pants for the fifth time this year. I am to pants as Hulk Hogan is to T-shirts. I rip pants off my body. When I liked and became a fan of all those stupid spam pages two years ago, I had no idea my news feed would become a breeding ground for misused memes, screenshots from Tumblr, poorly Photoshop,

pictures of Obama and misquoted sayings over a picture of space. Sad news. The British simile champion has died. We shall not see his like again. He shall not see his like again. Okay, here's some that I need feedback on. Okay.

All right. Tell me what you think of these jokes. Please be honest. I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Please be honest. The second season of Stranger Things was released on Netflix last week. the show's entire young cast

is back for another season. They've all aged horribly. This cast has aged so poorly that even Kevin Spacey doesn't believe any of them are 14 years old. Netflix canceled House of Cards amid the allegations made against Kevin Spacey. Kevin's accuser has alleged

that he's seen people laugh at Spacey's Johnny Carson impression and he knows others that have managed to stay awake through an entire episode of House of Cards. Damn. That's like a late night joke. Wait, do you want feedback on these individuals? I would say the worst part about these two is that it feels like they're pretty old.

Yeah. Well, maybe this might address that. What do you mean? Like, I think we're on season five or no. I have one for this. Hold on. About age. Yeah.

Kevin Spacey and the strange thing. Kendall Jenner celebrated her 22nd year old birthday. It was a small affair of 49 people and Caitlin Jenner. Kendall's sisters Chloe and Kylie were unable to attend the party due to both being pregnant despite of this the sister's baby daddy's OJ Simpson and Lucifer attended the affair

Oh damn Both were pictured together drinking margaritas and casually laughing while reminiscing about a deal that two struck together 22 years ago See that one's also about age See okay This one's not about it

You're misunderstanding my problem I don't care about if the joke has age in it The iPhone 10 has been released this month. Next month, the eighth Star Wars will be released. The results, twice and eight weeks, people from around the world will wait on massive lines to consume the newest version of the exact same product that they've owned for years. That one I like. Yeah. People...

Not about age. Yeah. I like that one. Okay. That's the end of the feedback part. Okay. Blue no matter who is a good slogan for Democratic voters, but it's a terrible slogan for lifeguards. That one's pretty good.

That's kind of fun. That one's actually pretty good. Sorry, you said feedback's over. Yeah, there's no feedback on that one. Am I the only one that finds it frustrating that every time you go home and try to sit down and watch the news Huey Lewis is singing over them? I actually kind of like it.

That one's good, too, yeah. That one is a little funny. Okay, okay. I think we should ban abortion and then raise those babies as our military. Send them over. 20 years later, the mother gets a telegram. I guess a telegram.

In 20 years, I'm going to go back to telegrams. The mother gets a telegram. Remember that abortion you wanted? Done. Damn. Okay. That's fire. Yeah.

I want to open a store like Build a Bear, but with shirts. I'll call it, get your shirt together. Okay. Well, real quickly, can you walk me through what that would look? look like. Yeah, so you'd pick a shirt. But like, build a bear, you put the, are you going to put the sleeves on the shirt? Yeah. So, and then you, it's not just, you don't just put something on the front of the shirt. That's pretty. You pick the color of the shirt. Yeah. And you can decide whether or not it has

sleeves. You can go tink top or. I think you, that you just sleeve. You don't have to make the, but it would call get your shirt together. Yeah, because I mean, the name is, I've no complaints about the name. One short sleeve. Are it buttons? You can pick buttons if it's button down. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, I want to go as a vice journalist for Halloween. Does anyone have a trust fund I can borrow? Heathe just went bankrupt, too. Heater. Heater from Cameron here. I'm so fat and my boobs are so big.

If I wear a t-shirt with writing, people actually have to move their heads to read it. Holy shit. Damn. I always check IMDB before saying Disney and Nickelodeon actresses are hot just to make sure I am not a pervert. This guy said about a lot of Disney and Nickelodeon actresses. Good news. I just signed a deal with Disney.

The deal is I have to stay 50 feet away at all times. From Disney? From Disney. From Disney World? Yeah, it just says Disney. The office? Yeah, so it's the company office, I guess. Oh, that's fine.

What does depression feel like? Put on a denim suit, then swim a few. lapse. Wow. That one I could see kind of on a, kind of white text on like a... It is white text. Really? Yeah. On like a gray photo background? No. It's on a stand-up shot. Oh, my shit. I saw this little kid wearing a t-shirt that said pugs not drugs. When are those the options? I've never met a dealer who was like, hey, want some cocaine or a Great Dane? Oh. Whoa. Riming punchline. Rhyming joke. Yeah. Anyway, any cord cut here? Yes. Yes, I fully cut the cord. So gross. All that amniotic fluid spraying everywhere. Are those scissors even clean? Oh, God. I'm not that kind of cord cutter. Yeah. Hell, you fell for my joke. Trick to you. Saw a fat guy in a Captain America shirt breathing with his mouth open. He may not be Captain America, but he is America. Wow. If men are turned on by wet t-shirt contests, then why aren't women attracted to men who pee their pants? Tired of double standards.

Thank you. If you're going to wear a wife-beater t-shirt, you should at least look like you could beat up your wife. Look at this. That is a good one. Wow. All right, you're lighting me? Okay, I'm going to go fast.

It's been 10 minutes. Sorry. So it's cool to talk about your vintage car or bust out your old record player, but the moment I mentioned my chamber pot, dot, dot, dot. That one's pretty funny. Okay, we're going to go through these quickly. Living in Williamsburg, I can never tell if someone riding a horse as part of the colonial ambiance or someone saving gas money.

I tromboned you. I gave you a trombone sound. My friend is in the hospital after breathing in toxic fibers from the ceiling of his house. The doctors are doing asbestos they can. Would you make that joke like in the hospital? I don't think so. Well, I'm not in a hospital. I think a doctor would like that.

My friend got fired from her last job in retaliation for being a whistleblower. She was discovered by the CEO's wife, Mrs. Whistle. He's blowing. His wife. He was blowing his wife. I spent most of my 20s in a cult. Like a full-blown shave your head and leave your family

to live on a compound kind of cult. It got pretty wild. They put stuff in our food to stop us from getting horny and they made us all dress the same and sing songs about our leader every morning. You've probably seen them in your town trying to get more people to join.

Yeah. You might remember them. You might remember seeing them on the news when our leader told us to kill Osama bin Laden. so think about that one for a second yeah that's kind of political okay I'm just going to skip to the last one here I believe

that Amber Hurd's career is over though I've heard rumors though I've heard rumors that Amber might do Aquaman porn spoofs for the rest of her life but she'll never get to fuck Aquaman instead Amber Hurd fucks the giant octopus monster

and an octopus has eight tentacles she gets three tentacles fucking her mouth, three tentacles fucking her pussy, and two tentacles holding a phone live streaming all this. And when the octopus finally climaxes, it busts its nasty, sticky, gooey ink all over her face.

I think that would be the only time that people could actually believe that Amber Hurd received a black eye. Holy shit. You didn't want feedback on that one? No, that one's fully formed. Yeah, no, I think that was perfect.

All right, next up to the stage, thank you for your time everybody. Next up we got Patrick Doran. Woo! Yes. Okay, we're losing some audience members. Yeah, a little hey, got a little hot here with that Amber Heard

joke, huh? Couldn't handle it. Bye, bye, you triggered ass hats. Bye-bye, SJWs. I have some actual, I have actually some poems that I'd like to read. Okay.

Fuck you. No, it's okay. They're comedic in nature. It's called an open mic. Okay, well, I'm going to close, hold on. I've got to hang that back up. This one is called dude bro. Okay.

And it's a haiku. The dude is a bro. Can you count them out while you do it, like a haiku? Count out the syllable. The dude is a bro. Bro like dude, broski, brother. Dude, bro like, yeah, man. I like that you counted five for each.

This one is called no milk. Okay. Man buys cow, no milk. Horon Street demands money. Masturbates to porn. Wait, say it again slowly? Man buys cow. No milk.

Okay. Foreign street demands money. Masturbates to porn. Oh, I think I get it. These are some hikus, another haiku. Okay. It's called no simping. Okay.

X-Miss is here soon. She is looking for that simp clause. No simping on X-Mis. Simp claws like Santa? Yeah, like Santa. Which, hold on. Let me get the companion poem here. Simpa-Claas.

Simpa-Claas. Wait, who is this? Once upon a time lived a man who would simp for any women in sight. Still stuck in the fairytale life, he became the white night. Listening to his women, he did everything she asked, buying the kids Christmas presents. He became a money

making slave. She would always tease him with sex and telling him to earn more money and learn to behave. One day, they got in a big fight arguing over money and bills. While he was at work, she was looking for a cheap thrill.

She cheated on him with the neighbor. She was giving him head. They went in the back of the house to fuck in the woodshed. No. On Christmas Day, he was heartbroken and she begged him for another chance. The Simp went for it, and he started to do a funny dance. Then one day she left him for another man when he was at rock bottom and broke. She told him, I just used you for Christmas.

You're a low-life loser. You're a fucking joke. Now, all alone, after losing his job, becoming too heartbroken to perform his work, He started to watch men going their own way videos on YouTube. Then he changed into a red pill jerk. The end. Who is a writer? These are all by Joe Fedig.

We've seen him before. We've seen him before. We've worked with him. We've worked with him. I'm looking again at his work. He's really amazing. He's really amazing. You know how amazing he is?

Let me read you this one. I am going to fart in a jar and save it for later. Do you want to take a sniff? I know you like smelling your own farts, so take a whiff. Guys like to fart and girls weep. I'm going to squeeze out a nasty fart. What a relief. The stitch fills the air.

Oh, my God. What is that smell? Rotten beef? No. Fart in a jar and save gas because the smell is starting to linger. My last fart didn't make it in the jar. So, smell my finger. Oh, damn.

Man. Open up that fart jar. I got a smell of surprise. Maybe he was opening the jar and he farted on his finger while he was trying to get it open. He got on his finger. He got on his finger. The fart got on his finger.

Yeah, the fart got on his finger. Okay. When he was trying to open the jar. Open up that fart jar. I got a smelly surprise. The smell is so strong. It'll get you high. I'd smoke that.

I got my fart jar on me. Want to smell my toxic gas. It fills the air. Whoever smelt it dealt it. got to be toxic warfare. What? Fart in a jar and share it with your friends. I just ate some broccoli and cheese.

It's time to colon cleans. Okay. Because it rhymes. Yeah. Let me read this next one here. I got a bunch more, but how much time do I have? I mean, you should wrap up pretty soon. Wrap up, okay.

Fuck child support. These modern women are using the court system. take advantage of men and extorting their money the government needs to start tracking single mother's spending habits. That would be really funny. Spending that child support money on nails and weaves, hustling

two to three baby daddies, one at a time. What a bunch of thieves. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too. She has done chasing the bad boys. Now she wants a nice guy. And that is you. Me? You. Me? Fuck child support.

Men are going their own way. Now we can watch these angry feminist cry. Society keeps saying they don't need men anymore as they walk away from work and turn a blind eye. More men are walking away from love and relationships, taking the red pill, the downfall of society. We are not going to be your slave or servant anymore living all alone a relief of anxiety. Fuck child support. I don't need no narcissistic bitch in my life. You're not entitled to my love or my money. Fuck you, bitch. You'll never be my wife. Fuck me. Fuck child support. I'm not going to pay you bitch. You're still stunting at the club.

Damn. At the club. Females having dual mating strategies and still they end up with a scrub. Wow. Those are some poems by Mr. Joe Fettig. Oh yeah, wait. We got to

He has a new book coming out What's it called? Called men guarding their own wallets. Oh, that's clever. Wow. That is good. A book of poetry on Amazon. I will be down on a little e-purchase. Okay, I'll be down on that. It might be AZW3 if it's on it.

Would you mind introducing me? Yeah, kind of aging for stage time. I, you know, I want to welcome this next comedian to the stage. He's very, very funny. But ladies and you don't get, when, give it up for a little bits. Yeah. Go Caleb. Go Caleb.

Okay. Can you keep doing that dance? Huh? Can you keep doing that dance? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. No. Uh-oh, you're going to have a bad set. Caleb, Pat's looking at the soundboard.

Yeah, he's definitely going to. It's just leave it. It's all right. Guys, I have been writing jokes for about a year now, and I think it's time I finally attempt to put it to use on stage. However, I have two main problems. One, I am only 17. I'm not sure if underage is okay.

Two, I do not know which route to take, short one-liners, dirty-slash-crued humor, long-story-esque jokes. Below are some of the many jokes I have written, and I was wondering what you guys thought of them. If they would fare well to audiences, any famous comedians I might possibly remind you of, et cetera. Honestly, would be the most important thing. Joe Rogan. I would rather be shit on here than booed of stage IRL. Thanks. You said Joe Rogan?

Yeah. Here's some examples of some of my jokes. I majored in ornithology for the chicks Oh If you don't get that joke You should probably brush up on your zoology knowledge Wait, that means you're a pedophile Does that?

I think The drive-thew at a baby bird, right? Nope, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm only 17. The drive-thru at McDonald's must be a lot more expensive if you take the concept literally. Oh.

If you crash your car into the front of a McDonald's and you just kill people and you break everything, it will be more than a hamburger. Uh-huh. Cost a pretty penny. I question God for one reason. He made potato chips the best food to eat while watching TV and movies, yet made it impossible to eat them quietly. Oh, I've tried. Let me tell you. Sir, can you go off your phone?

Sorry. What are you doing? Um, something really bad just happened. Something really bad? Yeah. Okay. Oh, I've tried. Let me tell you.

I have tried. It's ridiculous. Most foods eat slower equals less noise. Nope. Not for chips. Same noise level and you just look like a moron, eating them one at a time and acting all sneaky about it. Okay.

I'll admit this next one is fucked up, but hopefully funny nonetheless. Okay. My girlfriend cheated on me. And to get back at her, I hooked up with her younger sister. You would not believe how easy it is to get a 13-year-old to put out these days. Not really, though. I'm just not suave enough to do that. I have no clue how any guy can do that successfully.

Instead, I did the next best thing. Found her sister on Facebook and jerked off to pictures of her. Yep, that's where I'm at right now. Room of Complete Strangers who now undoubtedly think I am creepy as shit. What are you playing? I played the applause, but I didn't know that the applause. was long. Okay, I need more feedback on some jokes.

Here are some jokes I wrote. Please let me know what you think of them. They might be considered a little unusual. If rain is God crying, then please explain to me why there hasn't been at least one major cum storm. Snow? Snow.

You could go into... You could go into snow. I unfortunately lost my mom a year ago. And I haven't been able to find that bitch since. Yeah, that one's good. Where's my mom at? Emo Phillips. Yeah.

Where am my mom at? Yeah, say that again and then add, where my mom at? Okay. I unfortunately lost my mom a year ago. And I haven't been able to find that bitch since. What my mom at? There are a bunch of new gender words that you're expected to know the meaning of, like gender fluid. gender fluid not to confuse with gender fluid

because god damn don't drink that shit oh that one's good that is pretty good the where's waldo books are a lot less fun when you learn that the reason you're looking for waldo is because he's wanted he's basically wanted to be he was going to blow up a mosque is that true

that's why you're looking for waldo I never knew that It says it right here. I don't know what to tell you. That's crazy. Yeah. Okay. Don't get into one of those clown cars, guys.

I know everybody's been walking around saying, I want to get into a clown car. But don't get into them. Don't get into clown cars. Do not. Do you want to know why. Okay. Because the clowns have sex in the cars. Okay.

I'm getting ready for my first. first stand-up gig, and I'm looking for feedback on my writing and potential bits, okay? All right. Oh, wait. Do I want to do this one, or? Yeah, I'll do this one. All right. Thanks, everyone, for coming out to the opening.

Oh, yeah, okay. All right. This is an ex post from R-slash stand-up. So here's the opening part of my set. Thanks, everyone, for coming out to the opening show of mine. Nobody knows who the fuck I am, Tor. It starts tonight here on this stage, and it also ends tonight about four minutes now in the men's bathroom with me crying

hysterically of embarrassment that second show is standing room only by the way so tickets are going fast wife at home this is my wife at home part of my jokes can I give feedback really click on that show maybe you could say instead of standing room only

maybe say there are two seats and then it's going to be standing room only like maybe there's two toilets in the bathroom it's not supposed to be a dirty shit and piss joke there's two seats it's not standing room only it's just the only room the premise is false. I don't want to talk about toilets. There's two, there's two

journals and two urinals. I actually don't have any aspirations of becoming a stand-up comedian. However, I do have three daughters under the age of six. So this is pretty much so this is pretty much the most stress-free situation I could find on a Tuesday night.

You have no idea what my wife is going through right now. But it involves all of the major bodily fluids, except the fun one that got us into this parenting mess in the first place. So I'm up here, Basically, my wife's at home with my three daughters, and they're covered in piss and fucking spit and shit, but no jizz at all. And vomit. Is it because you're not there?

If I was there, there'd be jizz everywhere. There'd be jizz all over them. Yeah, I'd be jizzed. You'd be jizzing. Yeah. Should I attack that with that? Yeah. Do it again.

Do it again. You have no idea what my wife is going through right now, but it involves all of the major bodily fluids, except the fun one that got us into this. parenting mess in the first place. But if I was there, my wife and daughters, I'd be jizzing all over them. Is that better? Trains is my train joke. Everyone's got one. Last weekend, we took the kids to a miniature train ride in the park.

They had set up these little steam engines for the kids to sit on and ride around on little tracks. The best part is that a real conductor has to drive the train around at four miles per hour, and they take their jobs very seriously. As we were waiting in line, I overheard one of the conductor said of the other, these kids today, they don't know nothing about trains. It's a goddamn disgrace. I thought to myself, he's right.

And maybe kids don't know nothing about trains nowadays because trains are a 170-year-old technology. I hear there have been several exciting inventions since Frontier America, some of them even involving electricity. And by the way, Mr. Surly train conductor, my kids will probably be zipping around on a fucking jetpack in virtual reality multiverse, so the excitement of steam locomotion might be lost on them.

Can I ask a question? Are you still 17? I don't think he's 17, yeah. I'm 18 years old. This is my bit about lying Chris. Wait, already. I saw a my good friend Chris from college the other day for the first time and forever. Remember in college when there would be so many people in your group of friends

that with the same name that you'd have to assign them stereotypical adjectives so everyone knew who you were talking about? We had like seven Chris's in our group of friends. drunk Chris, tall Chris, dirty Chris, pudwacker Chris. He was the one who got caught masturbating in the bushes outside Katie Murphy's apartment. Anyways, like I said, I saw lying Chris the other day

for the first time since graduation. Lucky guy. Apparently he's won the lottery twice and now works as a professional orgy coordinator in Hollywood. I'm so jealous. You knew that many Chris's? Five or six, I mean, five of them,

there's a liar. There's a sexual assaer guy. One of them's dirty. Yeah. Okay. Dirty, Chris. New inspiring comic needs feedback on a comedy bit. Hello, guys, new user here.

Doing stand-up is my dream, but I don't know if I got what it takes. I have a bit here that I've been working on. Tell me what you think. Any feedback is welcome. Okay? So this is very kind of written out word for word, okay? Okay. So last night, my fucking house reached a fucking new level of filth.

I'm talk about, like, type of filth they would use to air on Spike TV. Like yeah, the only time I would laugh When I watched Spike TV Was during the fucking commercial So anyways, my home is getting pretty messy Cause my wife is out of town And I swear I have this condition That every time she leaves me alone

For a couple days, I just fucking turn into a Neanderthal Like I'm just walking around my crib hunched over With just some fucking cheetah print underwear Or I'll be eating KFC And I'll just be walking in my house Devouring this chicken Chewing with my mouth open Looking like I fucking hunted this shit myself

I was dropping the fucking bones All over my nice Fendi rug But that worst part is said I almost never wipe my ass when I'm in this state of mind. So, yeah, I should probably get that checked out before it escalates to something. But yeah, the house, one of the first things to go missing when your house just looks like a straight mucky black oil spill on the Pacific Ocean. You know what I'm talking about when your home resembles the conditions of a third world

country. Conditions one of the first things to go missing are either the spoons or the forks. Yep, these things escape. Like, they believe they are the protagonist of a fucking James Bond movie. Some would call that James Bond, or something right before he escapes from the bad guy. I swear I've seen almost all the James Bond movies, and this guy always does the simplest thing to escape when, like, not even Jesus Christ could fucking get off the cross,

more effortlessly than James Bond after he's been captured. And let's be honest, what's more impressive? Escaping from technology made from 21st Century Special Agents with Cutting Edge Technology, or a fucking piece of wood, and some rope with nails designed by people who thought the world was flat and still shitted on the side of a road. Yeah, no-brainer. So I opened my utensil drawer looking for a spoon,

and I'm grabbing every fucking utensil, and it's anything but a spoon. God damn, I was acting like a dumb-ass fucking double-checking, triple-checking, quadruple-checking the same fucking spots in my cabinet. Just hoping this shit magically appears like fucking Chris Angel in the mid-2000s. He doesn't remember Chris Angel? Yeah. And then I look at my sink, and the sink legit looked like it threw up spoons.

Like it was solely just a shit ton of spoons, nothing else, not even a single bowl. Yes, stores don't normally sell utensils individual. They almost always sell some ridiculous high number. Like, at night, I was at a store and I was just looking how many spoons wear in the box, and I swear it seemed that they just got one of those 20-year-old high school seniors and had him just pick how many spoons should go in each box. So that was my bit about my wiping out of town. Spoons and Neanderthals.

And then I just have two more things, guys, and then I'll leave you with this. I started a Twitter account for, I've been doing it for six or seven years now, where I'm trying out basically my stand-up bits before I do them on stage it's called at up up-sand-box

it's the stand-up sandbox is what it is so I'm kind of in there playing around with my joke so just a couple of these I hear Starbucks sorry I said Starbucks you're thinking about sandboxes I hear Starbucks is in some hot water

just like their beans and then this next one this is my last So San Francisco, more like Sands Me, parentheses, I do not live there. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Wow. Your next comedian coming to the stage is... I'm going to do some poems.

Huh? I'm going to do poems. Next poet coming to the stage. Say poet. Oh, sorry. The next poet coming to the stage, the one and only, Cameron Fetter. Wow, look at him. Look at him. Take the jacket off.

I feel like you're entering another level. Yeah, I did that just now. Holy shit. Okay, hold on. Let me get my poems up. I'm just going to do a few poems on a theme that's pretty near and dear to me. This first poem is entitled A Day of Reckoning. And I just want everybody to know in the audience

that we've been doing a lot of laughing. And it's okay if you want to cry instead. Yeah, all of my poems were supposed to make you cry or think. So cry with laughter is fine. Okay. Or cry with sadness or fear. Either one's fine, so I, okay. But just don't be afraid to cry out of being afraid.

Okay. A day of reckoning. It was a day of reckoning. No. Or so it was said. It came from around me and into my head. Down from their website, come sounded voice. It intrudes my surroundings.

No rights of a choice. It's called voice to skull. Simply put V2K. Hours of torture debilitates me that way. I lay on my bed all tense, and I shake. I don't know how much more of this I can take. The game that is played on a computer screen, my body is scanned on the website it's seen.

They see what I see. They know every thought, hidden in a cyberspace, not a force to be caught. A microchip in my back. No. Is there one in my head? Could be. The ways it connect to replay what was said.

My mind in the battle, the frequency that they use, a game meant to destroy, torture, and abuse. That's a day of reckoning. Holy shit. Now I'm going to go straight into the other two. This one is called cyberscience. A microchip inserted underneath the skin, while asleep on the couch, an intruder came in.

website was started, the present day, once the past, the torturous journey was going to last. With more intent to harm and cause to destroy, the voices that echo are meant to annoy. A sharp repeated tone that enters my mind, words spoken clear come up from behind, the excuse and the lies to continue the plight, the website is illegal, that challenge a fight. The push of reverberation, I tense up and shake, the horror that follow when I need a break, the saliva that flow as the magic in me never knowing just hoe how the saliva that flow

as the magic in me never knowing just how my cough comes to be into the unknown hidden from sight in search of an answer when wrong is not right if only the secret I could come to know how does the fluid in my sinuses flow from a computer the insolent grin and investigation but where to begin

pain in my stomach and pain in my toes to cause me discomfort and clog up my nose the pressure is real, my foot hurts every day. Really? The website that follow just hits me that way. Oh my God. Cyber science is stalking

to put me to death, a time of survival with hope in each breath. And here's the last one it's entitled, A Virtual Reality Attack. My body once scanned into a virtual design, the images around me, snipers formed in a line. The walls took aim, translucent each shot. One side was laughter.

The other side not. distress as gruesome as blood-curdling screams, the nightmare illusion, the destroyer of dreams, the terror internal, the shock made me run, a virtual target of the sharpshooter's gun. A specter-led army, the dark shadow rose, hidden in the position each presence impose, to bludgeon the target as if it threw stone, unfocused from sight, mind bruised and alone, a wound of defamation, the poison of choice, each glassy figure that shatter my voice. Trapped in the silence where I could not speak Each shot that impair made me feel weak

Shot, notice that shot Think about it I'm thinking Sinister motives The assassin was sent Fire and Brimstone A Sting of Torment Even the arrows

Pinsches the dart The arrows pinches the dart The pain that was real Brought fear to my heart The Emirates Society meets back to back No But there is no running

When VR attack Wow Wow And that was three poems that I prepared for today. That's amazing. I'm sorry, this is maybe a hard thing to follow here in terms of mood,

but I'm going to bring up our next poet. Our final poet. Our final act. Our final act is Patrick Doran, everybody. Woo! Give it up. Thank you. Thank you, Cameron.

It is a hard act to follow. So I guess I'll just get right into it. Replace her. Sex on the first date. Put out or get out of my way. You can be replaced. Damn. Garden Gnome

Farts Aloud. Air polluted, smell of shit, turd-chasing midget dwarf. What? Wait. There's a poem called Garden Gnome by Joe Fettig. And he's a farting garden gnome? He's a farting garden gnome, yeah.

That's kind of a fun print gift. Women's shame in cells. Not all men can be controlled. Lose weight, big fat whale. Passport bros get hate. Society doesn't understand until it's too late. What's a passport bro? I think it's a man who does sex tourism.

Oh. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Interesting. She wasted her youth, chasing Chad ready. to settle. I don't like leftovers.

That was it? That's a haiku. These are hyacus. Oh, okay. They don't all seem like I can. No. Yeah. Pay on the first date. Split the bill. Equality, bitch.

You look like a man. One red pill daily. Not playing society's games. My way? The Highway. birth rates drop marriage dead blaming men for the problems agents of chaos panic the zoo hates men get your passport goes overseas society collapse what is that i have a question what does that mean i think it has to do with passport bro stuff what are passport okay so you said chat earlier where do where is the what's the ranking

basically. I think Chad. So there's men going their own way, there's passport bros, there's Chad's. Virgins maybe. Virgin versus Chad, I think is a lot of what

this is touching upon. Yeah. And you're a virgin? No. Well, why are all your all your poems are about you fuck women and men going my own way? It seems like more than anything

you're kind of into farts. Maybe this will, maybe this will explain it up just a little bit. I'm just confused. Okay. This will have the mission statement in here. This is a poem

called The Problems in Western Society. Okay. There are many problems in Western society today. Many Americans aren't ready for an economic collapse. Censorship on the internet. No more freedom of speech. We are all being wiretapped. The homeless problem is getting

worse. Greedy corporations like Black Rock and Vanguard buying up homes, warfare on the people, the world economic form telling the people what we need in our lives we refuse to take the vaccine. We are not sheeple. Crooked politicians abusing the legal system, finding loopholes to make them rich. Take them out of office.

They don't care about us. Don't be their bitch. The nuclear family is destroyed. The feminist movement has gone too far. Men are getting their passports and flying away. The shaming language doesn't work anymore. Prince Charming is not going to save you. That is the price you've got to pay.

Americans are so materialistic living above their own standards just to drown in debt, a slave to the system. What are we going to do when there are no in? internet. I don't know. Society doesn't care about men guilty until proven innocent. The era of depression, society has become soft, showing any signs of masculinity is known as aggression.

Suicides are rates are up with gun violence while the crooked politicians are laughing us eating their steak. They want us to buy their fake meat because of climate change and our carbon footprint. Fuck that. Yes. Yes. I don't want that fake meat, man. don't care about us.

Watch them try to put us in another COVID lockdown another stupid booster shot. The people versus the government. They are trying to control us without order. Out of chaos we see right through the bullshit.

Time to boycott. Mm-hmm. And then this next one. October Fest, hops of spalk brewing pouring the beer with great friends, German-style party. Hey, you've been to October Fest?

Mm-hmm. That was a lot of, would you say that October Fest has a lot of Stacey's there, right? It makes a lot of Stacey's, but I think a lot of... Do you ever see pictures of those German women with the giant breasts at

October Fest? They wear shoelaces on their body? Where the fuck are your nipples? Oh shit. Their nipples have to be on the bottom of their titties. Because half of them are popping out of those shirts. I think a lot of it, honestly, is latex prosthetics. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's got to be latex prosthetics.

It's a lot of... I think it's like Halloween-level costume. Yeah. I think it's disgusting I don't have my password so I can't see I think I have a few more here Oh

Here is a poem Written by Joe Fedig Now I want you to There's a little There's some I'm going to point it out Some hypocrisy Okay

I like hypocrisy Honestly nowadays audiences Say there's some hypocrisy again Yeah there's some hypocrisy Wow Today's audience is Well That's kind of

Listen to this Listen to this Okay If you love hypocrisy You're going to love this Mass layoffs happening In the workplace Will they replace man

With machine Another agenda in plain sight No more gas powered cars They want everyone to go green Getting replaced by a robot Artificial Intelligence Is getting out of control The transhumanism agenda

The elite want your soul Controlling every aspect of your life living in a smart city, being charged a carbon tax, the evil leaders that you tell you that you own nothing and be happy, just relax. Your robot replacement will take your job and leave you on the street. Depopulate the earth, mocking the citizens with a single tweet.

Humans are easily replaceable. The first thing you hack is the subconscious mind, divide and conquer, have race wars. It's the blind leading the blind. Corporation cutting labor costs, you're replaceable at any time. CEOs being downright cheap. Nobody cares. I feel like I am a black sheep.

Nothing is guaranteed in life, not even your career. Getting replaced by a robot is something that we might fear. Yeah? Dude, what the fuck? I mean, I'm sorry. Can we just... I'm sorry. Let me point out the hypocrisy here.

Okay. Yeah. YouTube censorship, this is posted by Joe Fedig. YouTube censorship, a threat to free speech where videos are subjected to breach by an algorithm with a heavy hand, once a place for open expression. Now a platform with tight discretion and voices are silenced in this lands. Words that once spread like wildfire and now face suppression with a heavy hand. And the truth is hidden from sight.

Ideas that once flourished in the sun now faced restrictions one by one. And free speech is dealt a deadly blow. But we must fight against this tide and not let censorship divide for the right to express ourselves. We will uphold. Wait, so what's the hypocrisy? That was written by. Who? You?

Chat GPT. No. What? Holy fuck. In the bottom of the page, it says, posted by Joe Fedig, written by ChatGPT. That's fucking insane. You can't even trust anyone nowadays, not even brave minds like Joe Fedig. People say that.

Mr. Joe Feddick, who once wrote, and let me pull this one up. Yeah, I want to hear this. Here's a. Mr. Joe Fedig. That's him? No fucking way. The one's great leader of the Migtal movement. He looks great.

Mr. Joe Fedig, who wrote, False rape, why protect? She lies all the time, dumb bitch. Charger with a crime. Damn. He is now relying on chat, GPT. That man is going his own way. That man is chiving on.

Yeah. What is there to do in this world but chive on? on man this he's a he's a chiving hypocrite is what i'll say the chat gbt stuff that does break my heart because it's like is this machine or is it machine and look oh my god there's comments on this post yeah there's comments here on this post for elroy who says i'm all about the first amendment too and he just says thanks he's taking credit for chat gpt and what fucking universe does that make any goddamn it's not right maybe the spider verse across the Spiderverse

Maybe in the Spiderverse That does make sense Yeah, you're right Yeah But also in the Spiderverse You'd all be fucking spiders Mm-hmm Do I have

How much time do I have left? Do another one Okay, one last one Yeah I have a good thing To close up with If anybody else doesn't have any No, I got nothing

Women in West lost Men go overseas Find Good Wife Leftover women mad Wow Thank you Patrick All right This is a speech.

Introduce a speech that's coming. And folks, we're going to be closing out the show with a speech by none other than Mr. Dr. Cameron Fedder. Wow, thank you. Keep it going for Cameron. He's putting the coat back on. He's ready to...

It's a speech. Yeah, you've got to be formal, right? A little more stately. A little more stately. What else could we give? The top button here. All right, Cameron. Let's hear this speech.

I hope this speech is going to move you guys. Like I hoped me when I read it. I hope that it will too. Probably going to move my fucking bowels. I'm going to move this. Yeah, I like that. Games like Minecraft have shaped our generation with good reason. Life in middle school is just like Minecraft.

Wow. We all entered this biome called middle school. Some imagining it was the nether. It was a completely foreign world where we didn't know who we might run into, what we might find that is useful, or how we were going to survive. Each of us was a Steve.

Completely indistinguishable from the rest of the kids for at least the first few days. As noobs, we wandered the halls aimlessly, until we eventually found a block, then another, and another. Wow. With these blocks, we learned to craft bigger and better things. We worked hard and grew our world into a place we couldn't wait to enter each day.

Some days, we ran into more creepers, enderman, and zombies than we would have liked. But we learned to defeat those bad guys. Through friendships and the guidance of our teachers, we became expert craftsmen, building an amazing world. based on cooperative effort. As we learn to adjust our skins, we each found our unique identity, our own unique identity.

Most of us were even able to mine, not just one, but many diamonds along the way. Wow. Today, we stand together. We stand together. We stand together at the portal to the next dimension, high school. Let's remember where we are coming from. Let's stand strong in who we are as individuals and as a group.

Join me in building the next world for ourselves without fear. And that's the speech, everybody. Thank you. We'll see you next time. A star cross lovers who are... Star Wars. Okay, Star Wars. Date movie.

Okay. Um... What is it? Matthew McConaughey has to go to space to save the entire world. Star Wars. Scary movie. Well, that's a kind of scary movie when you're... If you smoke weed, it is pretty scary.

Oh. A mistake. mysterious convict on death row who has mystical powers. Superhero movie. Harry Potter 4. Okay. A man's

experience and a turn of the century The experience. Okay. Turn of the century. Turn of the century. Okay. It's in the title. It's in the logline. That is good. Leonard DiCaprio. He has to go into your dreams. Decaprio. Why, I didn't finish.

Leo. Those are the names. Leo period. Leo period, I think, is better. I'm going to give it. Decapreo. Dot, dot, dot. Now it's a competition.

Okay. An escaped slave has to hook up. He has to hook up with a German guy to go get his wife, Brumhilda, from Leonardo DiCaprio again. Slavery, the movie. DiCaprio, colon, the slave. Decapreo. Caprio the slave. Well, yeah, but I'm going to give it to you.

DiCaprio the slaver. Well, but he, you don't know that, though, because I didn't say that in the log line. Broom Hilda's capture. Broom Hilda's capture? Okay, actually, I'm just going to do Tarantino movies. Okay. Seven funny-looking businessmen go back into their garage. The funny farm.

The funny farm is better.