Podcast About List - Ep. 248 - The Bear ft. Nick from The Yard

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Good friend of the podcast, personal friend of some of us, Nick from The Yard podcast joins us to talk about a classic style list about inventions and whatnot but we mostly talked about male strippers and bears. Watch the full video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

I'm going to clap. Actually, Patrick will clap. Nick will clap. I got a monster clap. I got a monster clap. Okay. Podcast about lists, take one. Mark.

Take one. I'm not doing this again. It's Saturday. Yeah, we're not doing multiple takes, man. There is no take two. You got this one day, it better be fucking good. Here's the bad news. Okay. Bad news. Great news for me and Nick. Let's start with good news.

The good news is that I love you too. You're great friends of mine. The good news is that Nick is here from the yard. He's in town visiting us. Okay. But the bad news is that last night, me and Nick went to a sumo wrestling match. Really? How's that bad news? Sumo plus sushi. Because I didn't. Because only the two of us went. I got the tickets for free so I didn't invite you guys. Why would I want to go to a sumo wrestling match? Oh, shut the fuck. What are you talking about? You don't know what you're talking about. You said they would do this. I knew you would do this.

I knew you would do this. You don't know what you're talking about. You tried so hard to frame this as some, why would I don't want to go to anything. He doesn't like anything. Yeah, he doesn't like anything. It would be too loud for me, first of all. The guys are too fat. I wouldn't understand most of the language they were speaking.

They speak English, bro. How would I know that? Well, maybe this will change your mind. For five of them, it was their first time in America. Whoa. Wow. They also fought people in the crowd. Yeah.

They did. They literally did. The end of the show. Now I'm actually jelly. Everybody comes up. Now all the sumo wrestlers came. It was called Sumo Plus sushi. It was in Washington Heights.

Everybody comes up. They do like a WWE rigged wrestling against each other, which he and Brian were betting on, by the way. Oh, yeah. We were horse betting. Betting the entire time. And one of them would just like do the biggest flop ever. I was betting with Noah too.

And he, like, he bet like $10. and the second he lost it he won it back the next hand he's like I'm out yeah he was out I was like

here for the ride Ryan was doubling down they were throwing 60 bucks on these guys but god damn the uh yeah Brian loves gambling he does love gambling

yeah the end of it was the they bring up like five guys from the audience and these guys did sumo wrestling with the dudes

were they fat guys one of them was bigger than any sumo revenue yeah one of them was one of the fatest people his name was he was huge man and he got destroyed yeah our sumo wrestlers the whole thing is that they're like

they're fat they're they're huge fat they're they're huge fat guys but are they like six feet tall like like what they're they because in my head a sumo wrestler is like five foot five in that big tough to tell tough to tell from the crowd maybe it's just because of the cartoons I think one of them was six feet tall but yeah I would imagine it would be they would probably be tall because is it like a pushing people around yeah but it's it like a jockey situation where they got to be tiny I think they probably have to be tall. Yeah. Well, they also got to ride a horse. There was one round. There was one round. I bet

$60 on the really, like a 600-pound guy versus like clearly like a 300-pound guy. And I lost. I bet it's about skill, yeah. I bet that, you know, right? Someone who thinks, someone kind of an entry level, I would assume that at first I would think, oh, maybe

it's just about weight. It's purely. It must be. It's about waiting. It must be in waiting. Like I said, it was pretty much all rigged until they were fighting people from the audience. And then there was one of the guys was like really like trying so one of the guys from the audience was trying so hard to win. And the suma guy, he turned on the jets. Yeah.

Yeah. So you think that you think it was all rigged and then they they picked people from the audience to come in and. No, those people, those people pay $400 to do that. Oh. There's only five VIP tickets. Where is this? It was in Washington. Washington.

This was an unbelievably expensive event. And then you get to go. do your, oh no, it's a traveling thing. It only comes a year. Oh, it's a bummer. But you pay $400, you go up, and you try your hardest to throw these people out of the ring. And these guys are serious this time. I want to pay $400. I want to put all the money down. Go up there, flop immediately. Just get. There was some guys who got, there was one guy, like, fully.

I'm going to hide a taser in my sleeve. They can't stop me from doing it. Do you have to get, do your shirt off? Yeah, do you get in my pant leg. Me and Noah got pretty deep into the whole. What if we simode thing? And we already banned weapons. Okay. We got to that point. It's not honor.

It's good. No guns. What if I use some type of gel that makes my body hair so spiky? That's a loud. That's a loud. That's a loud. We talked about that. You can porcupine?

You can porcupine. It's part of your body. If you just do a Mohawk. Some people in Japan are born that way. You can't ban it all. They have fully pork. They have porcupine. Like,

I will know, I will say I notice that these guys had almost no hair. And they had also, we were talking about this, they have perfect ass cheeks. No pimples, no stretch marks. They got it. Perfect, beautiful baby boxers. One almost got naked.

He unwrapped almost all the way. He held his cock in. Which was like a demonstration, I think. It was like, it was meant to teach us the rules. Okay. One of them are you have to put in. The rule is get naked. The rules are, there's a ring.

Be fat, get near a circle. And you go like this. You try to, you can slap apparently. I didn't know. I didn't know you could slap. Yeah. And the announcer was telling one of the, only the chess.

You can slap people on the chest. They weren't slapping their faces. They were like D.K. bonguing each other. Didn't really seem to do anything. Is that like a demoralization thing, I guess? I think it's embarrassing. I think it was fanfare. I think I'm not sure that would do anything.

It's like an end zone. Here's the thing. Here's what you do. But maybe the momentum builds up over time. You surgically graft a taser into your chest. Yeah. So when they go to slap it, well, that's a good, that's a point about basically any

any sport is if body modding is available then I'm getting a third arm but what is it body modding if my son is born with electric eel genes because of something some chemical I was exposed to I don't think that counts as body modding you didn't modify it if I accidentally raise a perfect human soldier yeah I don't know if eel is the best

well you know it's an example yeah well what would be the best I guess probably genes of a soldier Pikachu son DNA of a soldier might be pretty good Yeah, but it would probably be an eel And then a porcupine and a lion and a tiger and a dragon Dragon's gonna be tough to come back Yeah, well, I'm not gonna lie It's gonna be a mutation situation

But these guys had, they had the hearts of dragons I was very impressed by Sumo Sumo I always thought Sumo's of kind of a fake Sport I thought it was for wissies I thought it was like right I did the opposite I actually learned That Sumo was really just about pushing someone down once And that's over I didn't know that

You didn't know that it was a high intensity I thought there was like like chokeholds take down When you're on the ground, you keep going. That's a thing. That's a problem is these guys, you couldn't choke these guys. There's no, yeah, there's no neck. You can fit your hands around. Yeah.

Unless you've got a big ass hand. You can pinch them. You can pinch them. You can tickle them. You can make him giggle. I told Kayla, I would pay any amount of money to your guys' podcast of the donation to get Jubio and a diaper and get a photo. He's already in one. Look at him.

Well, he's hiding. That's why he's hiding right now. I would do anything. He's, uh, offer on the table. He's in the diaper. Damn. He said, he said, name your purse. price for the diaper man.

Yeah, what's your price? I mean, we have to... One dollar. That's an amazing deal. I'll take it. You should do that for real. We have to keep him in a diaper, though. He's not allowed to leave that computer.

I'm going to feed it into Mid-Journey. Yeah. Jubio and start Jubio's only fans. Yeah. Maybe you made him the love bug in Mid-Journey, right? Is that what it was? Somebody did that. Yeah.

I just like putting him in costumes and making him a woman on my Photoshop. I want to make a virtual. buddy with him so badly where I want to make it wriggle him around do you guys do you have evil fans your friends sinister people um depends on your definition yeah I don't know do you have evil fans yeah really what do they do um try to ruin your life and shit depends I don't know we've had we've had please show up we don't have that least are your fans you're saying no no no no they're they're expressly not our fans uh but they I don't know I'm wondering like when people come to your shows, is it kind of like what you imagine?

Yeah. Yeah, they're all really cool. Everyone's... They're all really, really cool. That's what I'm going to think about them. They're all cool fucking people. Yeah. They dress cool.

They're really good at talking. They have cool hairstyles. Yeah, they're completely normal people. It's odd. It scales by Patreon. I would say that our... If you think Rockabilly is evil, then yes, we have a lot of evil fans. I would say that the people who listen to this podcast occupy either the, either

extremes of the height scale where people are either like six foot seven or like five feet tall yeah our fans are so personality that comes with being an extreme height on either end our fans are so tall really yeah it's weird you get big dog all the time walking down the street I feel

so small constantly yeah maybe they're not even fans maybe they just want to like pick you up just people who want to yeah maybe it's just like a tall guy that's like wiggle my legs yeah one of these just down to dangle this fucker I'd dangle him over a bridge

I'm sitting on the leg of this table I'm gonna keep doing that and it's got the rollerblade wheels I feel like I hate this chair so much This was a test for me Is that the spike chair? I'm gonna pass No I think I put the spike chair

The spike chair is explicit I don't feel a spike That chair is a spike that goes up the boat Yeah we have a it is a prank chair I put together wrong and I put the bolts in Really long get a little switch going on I want to see what's up You don't want this chair

I know it sounds funny but it's not It's the worst chair in the world. It's really just not good to be doing. We just keep it because... We keep it because it's sentimental. Yeah, it means something. Well, eventually you'll have the right guest. Yeah.

Someone who was? Somebody we had was sitting in it and didn't realize it until the very end. Princess in the P. Joe. It was Joe. I think Joe liked sitting here. Well, he probably has a perfect dimple in his ass that just, it fits like a Lego blood. I'm supposed to ask who Joe is here.

Joe is our friend. Joe from Home Planet. Yeah, it's our friend Joe. So how are you liking New York City? this is the worst place on the planet really you live in l a rough talk no but like new york i was saying earlier like it's like you took all the worst people in l.a and you just made them group hug in manhattan well yeah you're hanging out of manhattan that's that's what i'm learning is i've come to brookin three times on this trip and i've liked it substantially more yeah dude manhattan's

dog shit it's like the worst fucking place to be here this place queens queens queens is sick kevin james is here ray romano's here fucking brooklyn that's christie stefano's from ridgewood really I learned that the other day. Whoa. New favorite comedian. Krista Stephano. He still lives here. No, I think he lives in Los Angeles,

but he's from Ridgewood. Yeah. Well, he's got veneers. Yeah, he definitely went to L.A. I need to get into being, living in Queens, and I need to become a volunteer fireman or something. Yeah, really involved in the community.

Yeah. Volunteer fireman who has like three daughters and he's so pissed off about it. I want everybody on my block to know me. They are getting so many dates. Oh, my God. Have you just thought about, When your daughter brings a guy over and says this is my boyfriend about how you're going to react?

Yeah, I'm probably going to go like, what? What is this meme your show in Jubio? I'm just going to act. Oh, that's down the street. This is everyone I saw today. Yeah. Walking here. Yeah.

Oh, my God. TV high shirt. Why are you pulling up a meme? Yeah. I hate you. Does that docks you guys? Yeah. Yeah, that's where we live.

It does docks us because that is next door. It's the same. neighborhood. But we're not like you. Nobody's trying to triangulate our location. We've been very expressed. Yeah, we give out our address all the time. Yeah, pretty much. Most of the time. We should give it out right now. Okay. First person to show

up wins. I won't give it. I would sooner give out my personal address than the office address, honestly. Yeah. I think yeah. Because the office is too. It's too sacred. Yeah. One of you gave your phone number out, right? He did. I gave my phone number. That is horrible. I don't know what

I was. You were on Minecraft. I was on a lot of stuff. You're right. Minecraft was one of them for sure. Yeah. That was the first time I dipped into your world of YouTube, man. Yeah. We need you here so badly.

We need your help on YouTube. I'm kind of a foundation. Okay. How do you do, you make the thumbnails, the thumbos, as you call them? Yeah, yeah. You even got a name for them? You have a name for them?

Well, they already have those fucking pictures. They say, oh, we got to make one of those fucking pictures this week. Who does, is Jubio make yours? No, I usually make them. Oh, me and you. Day one. I know exactly what I'm doing, too. Okay, what is the key?

No, he needs a lesson. He needs a Kuman learning lesson. I do, I need a lesson. What is the key? So you have to, first you have to isolate. Who do you guys think is the most famous in your podcast? Probably me. It's not Jubio.

You guys are fucking with me. It's not Jubio. If you want help, if you want help, I need you to be real. Okay, but by that logic, couldn't we just put a photo of Ryan Gosson? Gossling, Ryan, Ryan. You can, you can... Well, let's just do that. You can lie.

You can absolutely lie. Okay, okay, picture of Ryan Shekler, right? This is the thumbnail for today's episode. Okay. Photo of Ryan Shekler, uh, axe body spray, red carpet event. Uh, then a photo of like the three of us really small, maybe like, like 180 by 180 pixels big. It's a photo of the three of us tiny, tiny in the corner. Then it just says...

So it's not false advertising. Then it says Ryan Shekler kickflip the office. Big inflated Ryan Shekler. Yeah. Ryan Shekler inflation. We put him in, yeah. Put him in 3D and we veruca in the middle of his backyard skate park. That's what we need to just lean into purely like SEO stuff.

Fetishistic pursuits. But just call all of our episodes like Pokemon Cheats 2020. You could probably randomly do fetishize thumbnails until one hits and kind of I don't know where your audience lands. Oh, I know where they. And then just stay there. So, like, if really big feet start to work, that is the way.

Then you switch back to using yourselves, you all just have large feet. I would say probably people who listen to show probably have a foot thing and a humiliation fetish. Yeah. Do you think that, I mean, we all have the same size foot. Maybe we just, like, Photoshop. He is so obsessed with that.

You are obsessed with that. That's crazy. That means that we can share our shoes. You like 10 and a half? That's 11 and a half. Okay. like 11. No one says it's 11. I think he's halving up. I think he's halving up as well. I had to have a wide foot. Are your

toes wiggle rooming and you just wear them to keep the half? I think so. Okay. That's 11 foot to me. I thought I was in 11. I went to the shoe store and I said you should wear it. I might win this competition. You don't even know what shoe size you wear? No. That's crazy. How do you not know what shoe size you wear? Wait. Yeah, but those are converses. I don't. I got a side. The only reason I know what shoe size I wear is because Patrick asks what shoe size I wear a hundred times a year. So we can share shoes. We've never

shared shoes. I don't want to share any of your shoes. We shared shoes on tour. You wear cringe shoes. I don't wear cringe shoes. You do. You wear such cringe shoes. You share shoes on tour? That's not true. That's false. We wore those Osiruses. Oh, that's pretty cool. We didn't even wear those on tour. I did. I wore them in Seattle. I wore those one time because my shoes got dirty from a flood in the old office. That's true. They fit. That's the only time I ever wore

those they fit so it's a good they're made of wood you know what i was saying what i was saying could come back is the dc osiris element that's coming back core needs to come back i didn't easily that paul frank stock in it now paul frank and ed hardy all can come and they already they're on their way dude walk around bushwick bro you got a these people what about echo limited echo i just bought some big ass echo shorts yeah how much were that they were they were like three bucks or six bucks but why'd you lie the three dollars a leg that's half

it's half three dollars a leg price it per leg yeah I price it per leg that's what I was thinking that doesn't make any sense yeah I got these big ass echo shorts

that uh they got the you have more you have I don't mean this in a rude way you have more clothes than any girl I know I know it's completely true yeah I'm like you 90 oh he does too yeah I went and stayed at his house

you guys go shopping right I lived in his closet, but just you two guys, you go shopping. Yes, I do. It's not a crime to go and find clothes. I've been dressing myself at active ride shop for 26 years. Me too. Not active ride shop, though, what we got in the East Coast. What do you guys have out here?

Eastern border. That's not real. That's a real thing. What the hell are you guys? Is that an Indian restaurant? No. What is that? It's a snowboard place in Nashua.

That's where I would go. Oh, that's from the office. Yeah. I know that one. I know that one. Burton. Burton. Britten. Bring back Burton, too.

That's, you know that, that green jacket that Joe had, the Joe has here, like in the costume closet? Oh, yeah, that's a Burton. That is a Burton, like. It's like a Blazer. It's a Burton Blazer. So stupid. This is not, this is not related at all. But I was here visiting my dad who lives in New York. And I rented a car.

So his address is one, two, three, dad highway. I rented a car. He's a terrible. He lives off a home. He just lives here. And I rented an expensive sports car to impress them. Say what it was. I bought a Mazurra.

He bought it. All right, I'm committed now. I rented a Maserati. I really wanted to impress me, he builds cars and stuff. And so I got it. But when I got in the car, it has like a display. And I was trying to, I tried for like, I don't know, like 30 minutes to connect my phone to it.

It was like, it was ancient, like, you take out your car's radio and you put in like a new type of thing. Like if you press a button, it probably has a CD player behind it. and I could not get the thing to stop playing Ice Age 2. The car was looping Ice Age 2. And every, and like the, it was a really, it was like a 2012. So like the, all the controls are on the steering wheel. But they're all just like letters.

It's like SRC, which I actually don't know what that means. Radio control. Screen. Yeah. SRC. I eventually, I eventually realized that SRC controls it. But no matter what I did when I pressed it, it would not go off of, Ice Age 2 on loop.

That's kind of sick that they... I drove in Manhattan, just watching Ice Age 2. They had it, like, right in the dash? Yeah, yeah, right, right up. Just distracting you while you're driving. That's okay to do, by the way. I know plenty of people. I know, I won't say who it is, but it's one of my brother-in-laws

who he used to go to school in Georgia and drive back and forth from North Carolina to Georgia every time. And every time he would come back for Christmas or whatever, I'd be like, how was it drive? And he'd be like, man, it was good. I watched... I watched grown-ups

one and two back-to-back on the dress. That's funny. Everybody on the highway. Everybody's, yeah, everybody's already watching

a triangle goes across line the movie. Exactly. For five hours you have cruise control on it. It doesn't, you can watch whatever you want.

You close your eyes. Who do you fuck? Yeah. I wish I knew how to drive sometimes. But honestly, you could watch movies. Yeah.

More time for movies? I get so many movies. I get so many movies. in. I'd finish come and see getting pulled over by the cop I'm sorry

I was just too You're clearly You're in instant D-Y Come and see on the You do the kid's face To the cop You turn up

Yeah Wait hold on The wrinkles Yeah Yeah You guys just don't drive Out here I drive man

You were in my car last night Yeah That's true The floor I've never hung out with you guys and not been in the backseat of a car with four people. Oh, yeah.

That happened again last night. It did? Oh, my God. I'm starting to think you guys are all pranking me. Maybe. It's not bad, man. It's not a bad way to go, yeah. I really want, like, a sprinter van or something.

You should get, yeah. I want a sprinter so bad. They're so sick. They need something in space. Yeah. I'd rather have a plane. You would not rather have a plane. You would not rather have a plane.

Okay, so if you want to go from here to fucking Trump Tower or something, you have an appointment. That's a helicopter appointment. Are you going to, you're going to ride your plane there? No, I'm going to take my plane to, I'm going to fly over Disney. You can't fly over Disney. That's the whole thing. I'm going to do it, though. I'm going to be the first guy to ever do it.

I'm going to be basically the Wright brothers of flying over Disney. Do you think they have an Iron Dome at Disney? Yeah. They do. Really? It's exactly like Israel. No, I just said that. But you're, yeah.

I assume they'll shoot you down. California Adventure is Palestine. They're just at war constantly. I would believe that. I'm sure the parks have beef. You know, Epcot thinks they're so much better than everybody. Absolutely. And that's like, bro, you don't even have good rides, fool.

I think the whole thing full of air. Yeah, Epcot ball. I think if you go up, you fucking punch Epcot hard enough, it just like a bounce house. Maybe if you're the strongest guy ever, you think you could punch a hole straight through Epcot? I won't, I one shot Epcot. No way. One shot. Like the sum over.

wrestler. I was telling Noah last night. If I had a week, well, this is different, but if I had a week to train, could I, 100 meter dash beat a sumer wrestler. I thought you were going to say punch a hole in a sumer wrestler. I don't clear halfway. The thing is, those guys are scary athletic, sneaky athletic. A sum of a wrestler's skin, though, has to be stretched to the breaking point. Oh, I think you could, I think if there's any guy you could punch through his skin, it might be a super. Maybe it's just because of the, maybe it's just because of the scene in gold member. But I feel like If they lost weight, they would look exactly like gold member at the end.

Well, the announcer guy was a dude who had lost. He was an ex-suma wrestler who had lost weight. Oh, yeah. And he looked to be about 180 years old. But I think he was only like four. They just had his skin just like in a vacuum in the back so he looked normal. He looked exactly like Gabriel Glacios. Yeah, like exactly.

Like dressed like him the whole thing. He had like the long shorts on. I mean, there's not a lot of options to dress like if you're a big guy. You either look like that picture of like Big Pun and Fat Joe Or you're wearing Hawaiian shirts I said the exact same thing last night I said that guy looks exactly like big pun

But if I if I was at side I think you have to go big pun You have to wear a suit Yeah Well he was wearing it He was wearing a Yankees hat And then he had like the towel Yeah

The towel down the hat And the towel just said I want a beer Yeah It was kind of beer It was so cool I'm telling you the most one thing ever Everybody's screaming

Uh huh yelling at the ref. What the fuck is that? Like screaming. It was so much fun. All the audience members look vaguely like famous people who were all in friends at one point, but they're like just

a bit uglier. That's where I like the impersonators in New York go on their weekends. They go the Simo thing. Where impersonators exist here? Oh, my buddy Charlie did this he like dropped this like clothing line thing and he got this pit bull

impersonator to like fire to emce the whole thing but the dude i have his business card actually we're not doing pit bull impersonator again we're not putting my it's new to him i just want to let him know but this dude you have a fat wallet stephen because he keeps shit like this it's like the uh this person isn't a real website yeah this guy does not exist so stephen um like the i don't know if he's his website why it's promo that's true yeah if you want a pit bull impersonator in new york city there's Steven but there's like a technical issue

you would kill that by the way Pitbull impersonator I think that's racist I think I can't do it yeah I don't think he can do it No sure you can do it You're the same race You're both Caleb Petito

I mean he's whiter than me technically Yeah he's very pale But I think because he's Miami Cuban I can't do it Yeah but there's a technical difficulty And the pit bull impersonator Was just trying to fill time I got a video

It's just him saying like Like pretty much every single food that the FDA says is good for you is not. He's telling the truth. Yeah. This guy's a butter eater carnival. He was like saying like agave is terrible for you. Like any like sweeteners and

stuff. He's right. He's right. Yeah, he was right, but it was just like. He does the pit bull thing to like push his Monsanto. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Oh, that'd be so sick if he was like from Monsanto saying all that shit. Like don't eat any health food. What you need? Like, yeah, they genetically modify

them for a reason. That's good. That's good. Yeah, it's like Gattaca. Yeah. We make them better. We're making all the chickens bigger so you can have more food. Like good at football and yeah. There was some specific food he was saying that you should never eat. That was very funny.

I forgot you were there, yeah. It was like wheat or something. He was saying like, do not eat, never eat like rice or like there was some one specific thing that he was like, it will kill you. Oh, that's a big one for those like those like carnivore like kind of dudes. They say that there's like mold growing in rice silos. I'm sure. That's true. Yeah.

Well, that's why you wash it, though. Yeah. I, okay, so I think I probably would have the easiest time impersonating somebody because there's just so many bald guys, you know, and people just, uh, a personation, you just got, you just have to go bald. When I needed you for something, I was like, I need a cop, I instantly thought of you. It was like, there was no, there's no, even a non-specific kind of thing, you know, I just, I just, uh, maybe not doctor. Evil doctor. I think I look too stupid to be a doctor, maybe an evil doctor. Disney Channel original movie doctor.

Yeah. I can be evil. antagonist. Evil anything. Evil plumber. Cop anything. I don't know how many how many people are trying to hire an evil something impersonator. Yeah. It doesn't seem like really a well, maybe on October 31st.

You get the good guy first and then you get the evil guy. Maybe you can break open the industry. You actually become more evil if you get a little hair. An evil stiper, evil male strippers. I don't think I could be a stripper, man. But you could be an evil one for sure. The thing is about if you're a stripper, you have to, like a male stripper. Have you seen these videos of what these male strippers do, man?

It is disgusting. They pull their clothes off. They pull, they take their clothes completely off. What is going on, man? Yeah, what else do you think they do? They put their they put their penises and girls' faces and stuff. Yeah, man. That's the thing about a girl stripper is that there's nothing going crazy with my... That's true. Yeah. It's like, they basically have to do like, and I'm not touching you. Yeah, exactly. To these like 45-year-old women. Yeah, yeah. they're like, oh, no, no, oh, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you. Yeah, and the thing is with girls also is that they actually are more attracted to the character. Girls like it in general, too, when a guy goes, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you.

They do like that. You know, you can do, you could be the dancing bear guys. You know, you know, those. Oh, the porn guy? Yeah. No, I kill it. My penis is not. You could be really good at the party, maybe not as the guy.

You'd be really good as the guy's like, I'm the plant. You're like, no, no, it's like, oh. I'm so clearly the plan. You're like, a meat? Go ahead. Doing the me like no thing for a half a second and it's like,

ah. Yeah. I mean, how did I even do that? What the hell? Taking off four wedding rings on each other. Being the guy at dancing bear who clearly wants to be chosen. Yeah.

They hired me to be a background. And they're like, we need a volunteer lady. You keep moving to sit next to to where they're headed. Yeah. And then when I don't get picked, I like unpack a lunch. Eating soup out of the

thermos of cold curry. Eating meat's jerky in the dancing barren. Oh, my God. Wait, no, this is really good. You ladies need to try this. My dad made this. He crushed it. Laying a beef jerky bite on the tip of your penis. Kind of bait the guy

It's the new Doritos flavor You gotta try this one Yeah The guy comes over With the like The big like fake head on The like mascot head And you're just like terrified of it

You're so excited for it Don't move You're just like backing away from bear Bear! Bear! I'm hiking I'm hiking You run into their Me

How can you see the bear? You see the dancing bear in the woods. Cut to me, I come home and my mom's like, how was your day? It was kind of weird. I suck a bears flying. Well, no, I saw it on the internet that if you see the dancing bear in the words, you got to suck them off. It is funny that porn shows and movies, which is what I call them.

They have extras. Yeah. They have, yeah. But are those normal extras, or do you just go? Yeah, porn extras for sure. Do you make a career as a porn extra? I feel like it has to be a porn extra. Can you imagine just being a normal extra and they're like,

okay, we're going to cast you, but here's the thing, you're going to be in a porn shoot. I feel like some of them would do it. I feel like it has to be separate. Well, they're the most desperate. Well, extras and actual movies, they're like told to do something. It's like, all right, you're riding your bike and then you stop to tie your shoe. But like porn extras, like, there's so many who clearly don't know where they are.

Somebody's trying to do something to us right now. Oh, what's up? No, we're good. man what do you do I see he's hustling some window cleaning services no no we're all set man thank you oh I don't know no fuck out of here maybe he'll do my phone yeah that's not a bad I brought him in here that guy kind of looked like a porn extra a little yeah or actually like a porn star I kind of had that rugged you know honestly I know it was because he had an occupation I think if you're if you're in a

and he showed up at my door yeah if you're in one of those dancing bear videos and you need the guy to put whipped cream on his penis for you to suck Okay, you shouldn't be in porn. Yeah, first of all, you should already want it. You don't like sex. You like sugar. You like sweets. You have a sugar addiction.

Yeah. I eat like the top off the muffin in that situation. Like, I don't. It's like, you can't actually have the rest of it. Oh, and cream. Homer Simpson. Like a pinky swipe. It's like, actually, you can actually have the rest.

Yeah. No, I don't want to know. No, but if you're like a porn extra I feel like that's just like something you like You either like Walk in there by accident Or like you were the creepiest man in the world You have been fooled

Yeah If you think any of those people are walking in there by accident They probably just go to real strip clubs And then just like keep the people who are in there In there and again of all write their name on a piece of paper I don't know Brace was saying that he like Ended up in a in a porn video by accident Brace?

Yeah I don't know there's a video of him in the background of one. How did he do it by accident, though? That's what he says. So you just got zero percent of the story. Yeah. I feel like that guy just ends up places.

Yeah, that is true. I think the bear guy, I've talked about this before. I think the bear guy, I should count as a furry. You mean that these women are? Oh, that's a furry for sure. Like, this is also furry porn. If you go to furry porn category, you should be able to see dancing bear. And any, now that I think about, anything with a bear in it should also count.

So the bear, you think this guy's getting his, bare necessities. Well, look, he's got a snail on him. That's his snail sona right there. Oh, okay. What does that say? It says snail. He's making the face that I would make if I accidentally ended up at the dancing there shoes. He looks like he's next in line.

I thought this was just a normal bachelor party I was sneaking into. I just wanted cake. I thought it was a birthday. You guys have roopier, though? Well, yeah, I guess

If they have whipped cream I came in here I thought there was gingerna This is your face When you see the whipped cream go on the clock And you know for sure That you're going to eat it But I'm so hungry

Me wondering how I'm gonna finish All that whipped cream Well that's a dilemma Okay say you're type two diabetic Right You go to the dancing bear shoot And you're supposed to just be an extra They're paying you get to bug

But that whip cream comes out And you're fucking insulin start Yeah You get a beep on your little fucking tomah Anybody have any skittles? No, no, no. No, we got his whipped cream on this guy's cock. Yeah.

Well, you know. It's running over. Yeah. Yeah, that could save someone's life that day. It could. Yeah, it really could. Someone, like, in the middle of New York is, like, having a diabetic episode. Yeah.

The dancing bear guy happens to be walking by. Or is there a doctor on the plane? No, but I'm the dancing bear guy that whipped cream. Oh, my God. The guy with the dancing bear guy is putting the whipped cream on his cock and you're like, oh, can I just have some of that whipped cream? I'm like, I'm diabetic. I really need that.

And he's like, he just puts the entire thing. Like, I don't want those. Can you just sprays it on my mouth? It's like it keeps going. Well, that's me.

It's like it's taking a bubble bath. Yeah. If I was a dance, if I was a dancing bear guy, my penis was smaller than it needed to be for the thing, I'm going. You're just like 15 inches of whipped cream.

Just holding pure whipped cream. The girls are eating it and confused why there's nothing underneath. Why did it fall on the floor? I have to go to the hospital. Well, I guess you better suck what's left. That's got to be a pretty good job, though. Yeah.

I'm sure nobody gets abused. Pretty much nobody, right? Probably less than one person per year. Less than one person per year. In the world. Yeah. Total. Yeah. Yeah.

There's only one percent of abuse in America. I read that. Nick, we have this morning. We have a classic style episode today for you. What's that mean? Where we have a list. We have an actual list. Actual list.

just like old school style back in the day style. Yeah, we're not doing any kind of crazy concept. Nick isn't dressed up as a dancing bear, although that would have been a pretty easy way to do this. I wish I would have been ahead of the bit. We have a monkey mask. I'll do anything, basically. You could have been in this morning.

Yeah, that monkey mask has been on the floor. We won't make you wear that. You don't want the monkey mask on you. There's probably a literal flea. I've ever told you guys how I found your podcast? No. You looked up monkey mask. I looked up dancing bear videos.

Yeah. So Anthony, Slyme, he sent me you guys kind of randomly once, and it was like, these guys are funny, you should listen to them. And I got 15 minutes into one of your episodes, and I messaged it back. I said, no, they're not. And then I had to get 20 minutes in because that's when it's a circle of a fucking way up. And then I actually felt guilty. I was like, well, I just got unfair.

You could pick any 15 minute thing of anything in my whole life. I might look at the unfunny person in the world. And so I finished the episode, and I think it was the one where you said, I remember he was conflicted in Yoda's voice. Oh, that was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. We had a couple of months of doing Yoda. Yeah. We haven't had a thing that we've been obsessed with in a while.

Yeah. We used to have months long stretches of the we could only do one thing. Yeah. And we kind of haven't had one in a minute. I think it's because we haven't been going to Mars as much. It's true. We don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't, it's, we don't, it's not, it's not, it's not four, it's not four kids, it's, uh-huh, well, it's for adults, okay, so it's a child, four adults, yeah, child, it's children on stage, only adults are allowed, some of those exist in some places, so it's adults going on stage, so it's like ABDL pageant, is that what you're saying? Yes, well, I don't know, ab, ab, ab, ab, I don't know, ab, abd adult baby diaper lover yes yes it's like that oh so it's a child's dressing his kids okay yeah but it's called

the child pageant for adults yeah and it's grown men and like little bull cut yeah i think you guys are catching on let no one like this now but we did it for like 10 episodes yeah a 10 episode stretch where all we talked about with this and all the comments were just like please stop doing this I'm unable to show this podcast anyone anymore I'm unable to You had people yelling at you for your child pageant idea, but I think you should feel lucky because I do know that at least one guy was killed for his child pageants for adults.

His name was Jeffrey Epstein. That could have been a lot worse. That's real shit. You could have been in big trouble. That's why he was killed. Yeah, he was having child pageants. Yeah, anyway, so that's how I found you guys. I thought you were funny.

So now we're here. So our list today is... So I found this website, this blog, and this is... I haven't done a blog in a minute. This is a blog called Box of My Stuff. And this is what it says at the top of the website. It is really my own cooked up top ten lists, sometimes serious, usually tongue-in-cheek.

Please click on a bunch of advertisers. Somewhere, I will get blessings in advertiser heaven. Click on the follower section and become a fan with a reminder. It's easy and sometimes fun. Did you guys ever have a blog? Sometimes fun. I wrote maybe two blog posts on a blog 10,000 times in middle school. Yeah, I had a book.

You guys could make this your podcast description and it would just kind of work. That's true. Yeah, if you just, no, under that. It really is my own cooked up top. Have you put all that in there? Really my own cooked up top 10 lists? We are usually tongue in cheek, I'd say. Yeah.

Sometimes fun. You get any info about the guy who made this? He lives in Salt Lake City. Okay. So he's a, maybe a Latter-Day saint. He likes E-L-O. Oh, okay. He's got a perfect life.

God, what else about him? I don't remember. I didn't put in the About-Sit. because it wasn't, it was just, it tells about his life. But that's what I remember from it. Yeah, he does.

And he makes, he makes basically only top 10 lists. And so this one here is, it basically doesn't exist. Okay. 10 rhymes that might be true or probably not. This is his list he made.

I remember a famous court case that seemed to hinge on the rhyme if the glove don't fit, you must acquit. It wasn't true. In fact, the logic there is so hilariously faulty that it's amazing.

that it got any traction at all. Yet we find that if there's a rhyme involved, then something is probably true. It makes no sense at all, but people love a good rhyme. Which has always seemed to need a rhyme to get a spell or incantation to work, but only if it's spoken in English.

Latin spells don't seem to need to rhyme. I'm not sure why. Anyway, I decided to come up with some to prove the fact that rhymes are not indicator of truth or anything really except the ability to use words that sound similar. I do, I mean, it is, anything's going to be a little more convincing

if you're rhyming here. We love rhymes. I love rhymes. I mean, but that's because we have a kind of a root in hip hop. I would say that, I would honestly say that this podcast is grown out of hip hop. Really? Yeah, we're like kind of a branch. We're doing like, uh, it's be like a rhyme sayers kind of podcast.

Yeah, we're like backpackers. The next thing. The next genre. I, unironically think this is smart as fuck. I actually, I'm thinking about this for the first time. Like, if a witch were to do a spell in English and it rhymed, and then they just like did it in Spanish, it wouldn't work because it doesn't rhyme. Yeah, it definitely wouldn't work. That's

I've never thought about that. Not even. Also, there's no Spanish witches. Yeah. No. No, they don't know. I've never heard in that. No. What do you think David Blaine is? Wow. Wow. Is he Spanish? He's some kind of fish. Yeah. That's a question for you. He's magic. He's a magician. Magician.

He's a Spanishan. So yeah, here's some rhymes that this guy came up with that aren't true. Okay. It'll prove that rhymes don't make something true. if the car won't start then use a cart cart makes the rhyme but honestly a bike is better

like a go cart I was thinking shopping cart yeah well yeah he says cart with a C and I think go car I mean I to play I'm smart I feel like you have to play devil's advocate with any of these right

that's what I would want to do and the devil's a rhymer the devil is one of the all time rhymers but a cart is going to work not maybe as well as a bike but it depends on how much stuff you have in the car You know, depends on if you have a bunch of people A bike can barely carry anything

You have a newspaper and a bagette Yeah, exactly. What do you do? Yeah. Now a trike. Or maybe a little dog in the front. Or your or your wife on the back for half the ride. You know what I've never done? I've never ridden on the handlebars of a bike. I've been on the pegs. I don't think I have either, I guess. I've been on the pegs either. I don't think I've been on the front.

No, I've never been on the handlebars. I saw a group of kids doing three on a bike, one on the front, one on the pegs on the back. That's how bad the economy is. of Joe Biden that we have three kids can't afford three bikes the fuck's going on it's so fucked up man it's really fucked I put pegs on my bike when I was younger I never learned how to grind I just really

I wanted someone to do the thing where they hold my shoulders you wanted an ET yeah it's so bad I never got it is it cool to ride on the front or the back it's way cool it's not cool to ride on the front at all right no it's a power thing you're essentially a horse yeah it's a power thing when you ride up the back though

you're a airbag the front is the third wheel. That's like, we're being cool. I'm sitting in the seat and this guy's holding onto my shoulders. I'm like, wait guys, I want to come too. Yeah, he's chasing. He's essentially chasing. Also, if you're right on the pegs, you can definitely like just run behind if you fall off and stay attached to somebody's shoulders.

You can ghost ride. You can like jump off, jump back on. Yeah. That's the only plus I guess. Yeah. That'd be so sick, ghost riding your friend's bike. All right, here's the next rhyme. Kill a fly, thwart a spy. If that spy happens to be using a robot fly. So this one seems

true. He seems like he's making it true. Once you add that it makes complete sense. I mean, even without that a fly, fly on the wall. That would be the best rap name. If I was from New York, I'd kill a fly. Kill a fly. Oh, kill a fly. I think you're going to say a robot fly.

That is not a good rap. That's really bad. That's a really bad. The robot fly. The robot fly. Then you'd have to like add more stuff to make it sound cool from prison. The robot fly from prison.

The fly from prison is just a good Yeah, but if bugs could talk, they would know so much of stuff about us. If they could talk, they would? I think if they could hear. Well, they already can hear. No, their wings are too loud.

I don't have ears. I think they have ears. They'd be saying like poop is delicious. Well, basically, yeah, they don't care about it. I love shit. They tell everyone what you're throwing away. Yeah. This guy just threw up.

What a condom, you know. Yeah, and they know what you're pooping. Yeah, they'd know all about your poop. They'd know everything about you. I feel like a fly. You'd think they would only, you'd think that they're kind of keeping in their business. They're looking in the trash. They're looking at your poop.

They're going to in your armpit. But you think that they'd be nosy. I think they already know everything and they just don't have a way to convey it. They can smell your gut biome from a mile away. And they know that you ate nothing but mozzarella sticks last night. A fly also has nothing to lose because it lives for a week. That's fucking. with it. Thank God flies.

If a fly would be terrorists. If flies could speak English and convert to religions and causes, they would be purely, every fly would have a bomb. Yep. How do flies observe time? Do they know it's a week? Does it feel like our week? Or is it like a lot slower?

90 years. What if it goes really way even fast? What if a fly's life is like, I would prefer if life was like that for me. Like if it was only a week long, but like the jump from like Monday to Friday was like 70 years in my head. You should watch that Queen Latifah movie.

Taxi? No. The one that's like where she thinks she has cancer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that one. That's a fire movie. I watch that with my friend's mom. She's like, fuck, I have cancer.

What should I do? I'm going to go skiing. Isn't it called ski trip or something? No, it's called 10 days or 20 days or four weeks or something. It's called Queen Latifah's vacation. No, it's not 28 days later. She got cancer and it spreads around the world or something like that for sure. Yeah.

Um, if the food won't heat, then eat a beat. I would probably rather eat cold food. He just doesn't like beats. I guess he doesn't like beats. And also, I also, I'm not sure what the situation is if the food won't heat. I don't really know what that means. Yeah, I think I could heat basically anything in the world. If the food won't heat, you have a much larger problem.

It won't heat. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. Eating the beat too, like it, it's a, well, eating a beat won't fix your microwave. So if it won't heat the food, he's right that that would not work. Yeah, I mean, this one he is. right about. Yeah. He is right about this one. It's hard to argue with that. A friend in need

is a friend with weed. He did not come up with that. Only in Colorado slash Washington. And honestly, if he is in need and with weed, then what he needs is probably a bag of tacos. That's real shit. He's true. He's spitting there. He really is. I think this guy's in need of

maybe a rehab facility. Yeah. I think this guy's in need of a publisher. I think you should be writing nonfiction. A book not read fills you with dread. I see so many bookies, in quotes, that have this strange pride in reading. This is for them. It's probably true for them, unless, of course, that book is a compendium of my blog entries.

Yeah, I mean, if you take a look at this photo, this is a ridiculous library. This would fill me with dread if I had this room in my house. Well, yeah, then stop fucking buying books. I can't help it. If your house already looks like this, get these goddamn books out of here. If your house already looks like this, you might as well buy more books. What are you going to do? One time I did.

Maybe read them. When I was working construction, we did like a house rehab on this like hoarder house and and they had a room that looked like this. And I was thinking it was all just going to be like useless, like just random garbage books that this person had collected over the years. But it was all like books. It was like, yes please by Amy Poehler, Stephen Colbert's books, John Stewart's books. It was only like.

The UCB manual. Literally the UCB manual. It was all like the worst, most annoying guy. ever just like his collection of the shittiest books in the world oh man it was so cool yeah uh let's see here

eat a small pie then you won't die later found to not be nearly as effective as the apple a day but better than a large pie I guess that's fire neither of these miracle foods will actually keep you from an eventual death a small pie is not a miracle food I don't think

I think this guy's making up this whole thing if you took the one out of the middle these would look like bagel bites almost one to one. Yeah. I've had a big one. And if I had shit,

man, if I was in like holes and I had a bunch of little pies, I think I would live. I think I would survive off that. Why is, you wouldn't have to eat the sploosh. If you're in holes.

Oh yeah, the splooosh. That shit looked amazing. It did look good. The sploosh and the onions. These kids were eating good. I want to be in holes. Those are like one million year old

pickled onions or some shit. Plus you make a rap at the end. This is the best movie ever. You get to wrap with Shia. Yeah. I've always wanted to wrap the Shia. Dude, being able to cipher with Shia? Oh my God.

He's actually what he did like, didn't he do like sway in the morning? Yeah, he did the five fingers. Yeah, yeah, he did five fingers. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I might be making this. Yeah, I remember that. I think that happened maybe like a week before all that shit dropped about him. Did he smash it?

Didn't he steal it or something? Didn't he plagiarize his freestyle or something? He plagiarized like so much shit and then he was like, but it's all performance. And it's so funny to be an actor and plagiarize. Yeah. Like, you just have to act. You don't even have to come up with anything. You do what someone else tells you to do.

Just stop doing all the extra stuff. I don't think we should know anything about actors, not even their names. They should always just be that guy. Yeah, the guy from this, the guy from that. Like Vincent Shiafaro or whatever. I don't know what you're on. I don't know who that is. That's a character actor.

Yeah, he's like that one. If you saw a picture of him. The funny looking guy that's in all the funny, the comedy movies? He's like the teacher and better off dead. Oh, no. I'm thinking of the greatest extra ever. You know that guy? The, like, curly-haired fat kid who always plays like a...

No, but I know exactly what you're talking about. He's in the music video for a simple plan. I'm just a kid. Yeah, there's a bunch of... And he's, he's been doing it for like 20 years, and there's a YouTube video that's all of his appearances as a fat kid with a striped polo walking around to high school. He does so much work.

That's sick. That has to be maybe the most rewarding thing ever as an actor is to get a super cut. Yeah, absolutely. That has to be the best feeling in the world. That's better than an Oscar. A hundred percent. Vincent Schiaf. Oh, he's in a one flew over the cuckus nest.

He's like the really tall guy with like the, he looks like, if they made him Dracula, he would be the perfect Dracula. But only if they made him Dracula. He made him dragon. When he was alive. If they made him the perfect Dracula. He would be the face of a perfect Dracula. But now he's dead.

I wish that were me. He has some money to a bum and he'll give you some gum. Oh, I don't. Wow. You can just say that about all this other stuff. No, I won't. You guys know what that thing is? Bum gum.

That's the, the Shogs you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. That's that, you know what, man, I'm never going to fall for that again. The shock can go. I'm putting my foot down. I have fallen for this shit too many fucking times in my life. I would love to invent a type of shotgun that's the like, the like cylinder, the like eclipse,

the one that comes in the plastic like canister thing instead of like, so you, you fully. reach in and it zaps you like all the little like pellet gum pellets. Do you guys remember when I had a prank gum that I was walking around with? No. I remember your fake poop.

Wow. That wasn't his. God, I'm so good at pranks. That's an American classic. That was he had a... No, you got pranked by fake poop. Yeah. I pranked him first though. I put the fake poop in his sweatshirt hood and he walked around to Walmart with it just hanging out for like an hour. He got pranks so hard that he got mad. And through the poop

in the ocean. That's a, it was just an emotional response. You got, you actually, I, but I didn't think that it was poop. See, you thought it was poop. I thought, yes, it was poop for a split second. I got you. I did think it was poop. It did look just like poop.

It was shiny, like it was through a car window. Yeah. It was the car window that was doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Yeah, it was good. If I saw that with the door open, I would have been like, oh, that's a fake poop. But the car window, the poop in the sweatshirt hood lasted much longer and was even funnier. It was much funnier. It was much funnier.

Because there were people pointing at you at pigly wiggly And they don't know that Yeah, it was we went to Yeah, we were watching you like We were all walking behind you Just walking like No you weren't

No See you didn't even notice No nobody was nobody People were high fiving us Nobody didn't even know Bro it's all right We went to sumo night It's all right

Yeah so they'll never have that I bet you didn't check in your hood When you were at two of a night though God fucking damn Damn it, you're right. He could have pooped you. Fall on a stick, loose blood quick. Depending on the angle of the stick when you hit it, this one is actually probably true.

So why and put it in your list, man. I appreciate him. No, he's kind of showing his vulnerabilities. He's like, he's like, enforcing his argument. He said, I'm not always, I'm not a know at all. Exactly. I don't know what I'm talking about all the time. Yeah, and this stick definitely.

Yeah, exactly. I could just be lying about all this stuff on this list. It could all be fucking true. Yeah, he's just, he's just trying to make a blog. yeah he's just trying to make an interesting blog I will say man it's hard to fill up a blog it is hard amazed when people do it if your face is on money then your future is sunny

not likely you are already dead so this could easily be fixed by saying if you have money then your future is sunny yeah yeah you have to say if your face is on money he kind of this one he kind of engineered to fail I think I agree walking a mile will make you smile is the double one walking a mile will make you smile

if you have to go poo then try walking to Failed exercise motivation at best Personally, this one's bullshit because the first part is true Walking a mile will make you smile The second part is very false though Yeah, no, that's... No, that's not... No, no, no, you can halt a poop

Walking makes you want me to poop more No, you can hold pooping through kegles A mock makes you want to poop for sure 100% Not me, man, it's... You walk in a weird way then Yeah, walk in a weird way, yeah Like that the whole way

That's what you're supposed to do if you can't poop you're supposed to go walk around. Really? Yeah, if you're constipated, you need to, like, run and walk because it makes you poop. Huh. I may have just made that up.

Yeah, I think you made that up, man. It's true, though. I think that's real. It's completely, it's completely real shit. There you go. Any truth in these rhymes is purely coincidental. Next time you hear someone using a rhyme in an effort to prove a point,

just remember, if he uses a rhyme, it'll take more time. That one is probably true. Yeah, that one is true. I mean, this guy... Really full circle. Pretty poor argument, I'd say. Yeah, kind of...

It kind of sucks ass at Ryan. Well, if you think that one sucked ass, this one is going to blow your mind. Here's the second list from this guy's website. Ten, top ten ideas for inventions. Oh, my God. We like rhymes. We like inventions. This guy, he's right up our alley.

Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. At least that's what they say. The day is Ralph Waldo Emerson. He didn't build mousetraps. He wrote, the sentiment is still the same. Everyone has an idea about how to make things better. 99% of these ideas are stupid and not well thought out. Oh, but that miraculous 1% is truly amazing.

The fact is you have to wade through quite a bit of the 99% in order to actually get to the 1%. We have had some great inventions in our time. And those great inventions build on even greater innovations. This guy's a genius. We live in an age of excess for less. Thanks to invention slash innovation, we now live better lives than all the kings of antiquity.

All they had was good food and a soft bed. We would be very mad if that's all we had now. Now, well, my inventions are not life-changing ideas that will turn society on its head. Instead, they are minor contrivances designed to make my easy life even easier. I don't think that we, I don't think we live better than any king. I don't think so. Yeah, no, we don't rule over anyone. You can't kill people.

You have to eat a normal amount of food. Also, the king has, like, a king of antiquity would have, like, at least some thought in their mind that they are going to discover a new type of magic or something. Yeah. Any amount of, holy grail. Yeah, exactly. They have a lot more hope than us. Or ancient STD or a bear that gets into your palace that you don't have the technology to kill yet is all completely dwarfed, I think, by, if you're a king, there's a million people whose only job is to make you happy and rich.

Yeah. That's all they do, 24-7. You have a poison taster tester. Yeah. Come on, man. How do you beat that? You're invented new holidays, like, like, holiday power. King's Day.

Yep. That was the first one. King is. King is getting a bath day. And everyone in the town has to celebrate you washing your ass. I don't think this would be a holiday, Patrick. All right. Here's the inventions.

Maybe in my kingdom. Number one, shrink wrap, present wrapping. So this idea is a pretty easy one. It was made for guys like me that think present wrapping is for the birds. You just have colored patterns on a bag made out of heat wrap. Drop whatever you want to wrap in, pick up the blow dryer, and bingo bongo instant wrapped present. That's actually such a good idea. I hate to give him the first one.

Yeah, I know. Maybe I think that all of them are going to be good If this is the first one This is a pretty good idea Do you find yourself in a situation often Where you're like, man, I don't want to wrap this gift But I have this blow dryer In Christmas time

I don't even know how to wrap a present Well that's the problem is I'm always gifting my fucking hair dryers True Yeah Where's that? Oh wait, okay I got it all right How do you wrap with this when you When you want to wrap your hair dryer

Exactly Yeah I guess that's a said What if I want to wrap my scissors And tape the spencer You turn it on Turn it on, throw it in the bag. Yeah.

Oh, my God. It self-wraps. Every present, when you buy something as a gift, it comes with a gift receipt, but it also comes with a built-in heat creator. Yes. And you turn on this, you put it in the wrapping, you turn on the switch, and it generates heat, and it shrinks. And the shrink wraps itself.

I don't even know how shrink wrap works. It shrinks. I don't even want to know. No, me neither. One of those things in life that if I know it, I'll just, my life would be way worse. Yeah. Number two, Philadelphia, cream cheese, easy stuff. This guy is fat.

This is a fat, fat guy. This is crazy. The kind of guy who comes up with a... As your second invention, is this a cream cheese and a tuna toothpaste tube? That's your invention? Yeah, listen to this. So there I am in the office

and someone has been kind enough to bring bagels and little tubs of cream cheese. I'm spreading the cream cheese on my bagel and it hits me. They have cheese and pressurized cans for spreading on crackers. Why not cream cheese and pressurized cans for bagels? It makes perfect sense.

I mean, this guy is... but don't do it. This guy is thinking fat enough that he's holding a bagel in his hand. He's spreading cream cheese on it and he's like, fuck, spreading this cream cheese is taking so long.

When the dancing mayor tour makes it to Wisconsin. Yeah. They just switch over. Here's his third idea. New Christmas Day. This guy is like a like probably like over 100,

maybe around 200 top 10 lists on his blog. I would say at least 30 of them are about Christmas. Dude, he's an adult. This is not a child. Just swinging for the fences, dude. Just the perfect, like, oh, yeah. Like, here's my top three inventions already.

Heat wrap, Christmas present. New Christmas. Yeah, I don't think I would even say this is an invention is my problem. Well, do you know what day he wants to switch Christmas to? I don't, but will you tell me? Valentine's Day. Yo. There's no snow.

Well, he says. What are you talking about? It's February. Here's what he says. I don't know any druids, but I bet they wouldn't mind us taking our copy of their holiday and moving it to Valentine's Day. Much easier to find snow and the other two holidays that surround Christmas will gain more meaning. Thanksgiving and New Year's. Uh-huh.

So he thinks that Christmas is devaluing Thanksgiving and New Year's. And my girl will stop wanting two gifts every year. That's true. Yeah. This is so, it's so fucking. At the end, at the end of it, he says, I'm not sure how you go about getting this changed, but I think it's a good idea. Yeah, this would need a petition

Yeah, you need something LED lights around skate tracks My son dabbles in speed skating He has a son? Yeah, he's a full of his whole family. I've watched a bit here and there And I notice that they superimposed on the ice The flag and the name of the skater as they go by

This is great for the folks at home But it sucks for the live audience And he says they should have Little LED Chaser lights embedded in the ice They could be deep enough that they wouldn't impede skating But they could shine the different color for each skater they could even light up based on the fastest time so you knew what you needed to be.

This one is too specific. I don't even know what he's talking about. That probably means it's the only invention that is maybe a good one. Yeah. This one's also, this is for his family. This one's based on love. This one is less necessity.

All right, this one's a 10 out of 10. I think in terms of... He's a, in terms of that. A hopeless romantic. Yeah. I have to give him, I have to give him this one. He's in Edison. Yeah.

LCD window shader. What? I had this one a long time ago, but I've seen it in practice since then. I actually saw it on Night Rider. The old one is a picture of David Hasselhoff. Yeah. You adjust the LCD slider and the shading of your window changes from clear to dark.

I know they have it, but I had my idea around 1984. Yeah, I know. A day late and a dollar short. You have like ideas like that where you're like it like something comes out and then you're like, oh fuck, I didn't even like, I had that idea, but I never wrote it down for me. Mine was when I was 13 years old, we were watching that movie, that Mel Gibson movie, The Patriot, in, uh, social studies, and I think I turned

to my friend and said, like, what if they made Assassin's Creed at this time period? What if they made, like, the Assassin's Creed? That's a good idea. Of, like, the Revolutionary War, then a year later, that got announced, and I was like, man, speaking of video game ideas, I just want everyone to

just know that I had this idea a long time ago, and when it comes out, don't be surprised because people have always been trying to steal myself left and right. It's basically a Dark Souls type game, but it's set in Jurassic Park and it's called Park Souls and you collect dinosaur D&A and you can become a dinosaur. Why the fuck would I call it? It's not a

name is my problem. Park Soul? The name is said in Jurassic Life. No, it's not about being in a fucking park. Yes it is. It's set in a park. It sounds like a sim game. Yeah. Well, it's not. It's a action RPG. It could be called maybe Jurassic

Jurassic. It's not Jurassic Park. Listen, I would love to change the name. The Jurassic Park. Well, you wouldn't like to change the name clearly. I will probably. I wouldn't. I was saying that to appease you. I think they should do an Assassin's Creed game in the 1970s. They should do it in the 90s. Yeah.

You should kill Kurt Cobain and shit. Yeah. Oh, that'd be amazing. You do every 27 club guy. Uh-huh. You're killing just every single 27 club. You kill Jimmy Hendren. That's a quality time travel.

Yeah, you killed Jimmy Hedger. That's such a good idea for a movie. It's an amazing idea. You are, you are the guy who does the 27. You are the, you're, and it's called, you're agent 27. Yes. Oh, my God. That's a funny.

Kissing riders. That's crazy. Yeah. You're giving bad reifer to Jimmy Hendricks. You got the bitch with the crazy voice. You're making him throw up. That's how he died. He choked on his feet and asleep.

Maybe it's something. Or bad weed. All these people, if they turned 28, they were going to realize something. They all had some kind of DNA. They were all. It's a Hitler baby thing. Yeah. All these people were one year away.

They were all about to bring about world peace. Oh, you know, you have to put an end to it. Yeah. That's a pretty good idea. With their music. Is that what you think Hitler was trying to do? No. That's what we were talking about.

And you said this world peace thing. I was talking about Jimmy Hendricks was trying to bring world peace. But I completely blanked out because I was thinking about Jimmy Hendricks. You heard the word killer you're blanked out. No, just like the game, the part of the game where you are going up to like Jimmy Hendrix, you have to make him throw up. It has to, it has to be throw up. Uh-huh.

So you're just like walking up to him, just showing him like you're booing. You're being gross. Check that. I'm so much poop in my ass right now. Stinky butt pooping in my ass. This finger is in my butt smelling. That's actually, I mean, I just think that's an amazing idea. That is such a good idea.

Number six, we're not going to read this one. I just want to read the first, what the idea is, the first sentence here. Medical testing like fast food. That actually did happen with the COVID tests. When he says medical testing like fast food, all he means is that it should be more convenient. Oh, wow. Again, he's in his brain. rain. That means fast food.

Yeah. But that's what happened. Remember in like August 2020, you had to like go to like a CVS drive-through window and they put your fucking, they put the swab out. They stole this guy's idea. Yeah. Okay. I've been meaning to talk about this for a while. Now that we, now that we finally can.

The people who ran, I think that they literally hired sadists to swab your nose. Yeah, they were going crazy. These people were touching my brain every time. It hurts so bad. I'm sick of pretending it didn't hurt and it didn't make me cry for like five minutes afterwards. I did not like it.

The worst part to me was when they're actively doing it and they stick it so far up your nose that they're and it was the drive-through one so you're leaning out the car window. Yeah. And they stick it up your nose and you go like a plug. I told you guys about the one time I did it. The nurse lady was like the hottest girl

I've ever seen in my entire life and you put the swab in my thing and pulled out like a booger the size of a golf ball and she gagged. She was like, boy. I was like, bitch,

you do this all day. You've seen worse boogers. There's no way this is the worst one. I mean, it was crazy. It must be so funny being like the nurses outside of the fucking COVID testing place

just smoke like chain smoking the bat. It's like, dude, I saw a fucking booger. Oh yeah. What kind of person is gagging at a booger? Yeah.

Well, she's just in the wrong field. Yeah. I felt so left out. I was so afraid of getting my first COVID test because everyone's like yeah it's the fucking worst thing in the world it touches your brain you want to die and then my first got it was

so easy and then the next like eight times were all really easy oh my god but it's just because no one went deep yeah it's why I started to feel kind of annoyed I think that's why I can handle it the east coast these these bitches were they were going hard yeah they were hurting us there was that one spot that we would that one

COVID testing place that we would all go to no no the one that was on I think it was on like off of him rod or something thing and we would always go there and every single time we went there was like oh yeah PCR negative great then we'd all hang out remember that one time I went there and then we all hung out and I fucking just gave everybody COVID which time the uh that only happened once I in my brain every single time I got COVID it was your fault no I've only had it one time really yeah I've had

I've had it I got omicron I just don't know when I got omicron because I went to a house party that had a horse in it I don't think the horse was the problem I think the horse was the problem. Then you got COVID from a horse? I got COVID from a pony, a Shetland pony. Okay, so not a horse. I remember my main COVID testing memory was when I was in Boston and I went to, it was like an urgent care that was in like next to a game stop.

And it was like a parking lot. And like we like pulled up and it was like the place wasn't open yet. And there was a bunch of people. There was a bunch of cars parked there with people sitting in the cars. And I was like, well, I want to get my like this test done. So I'm just going to go like wait at the door like for this place to open. And I like got out of the car. I went and, like, stood in front of the door.

And the second that I stood in front of the door, just 20 middle-aged ladies who were all sitting in their car waiting for, if waiting for it to open, who had some clear, like, un, like, packed in their head that they were all like, we're going to wait in the car. And then I got out and was waiting in front of the door. They all just swarmed out and all went in front of me. Whoa. Yeah, I know. I was so pissed off, dude.

I clearly just violated their unspoken bond. That's so sick. It was so crazy. Well, they were getting all their chute ready for that. Number seven, I don't understand this one at all. I need this one explained to me. Number seven, dartboard with LED through fiber optic to approximate the bristle effect. You've heard first of all, this guy loves LEDs.

I love to play darts. Unfortunately, I'm not that good, but I still like to play a lot. I have an automatic scoring steel tip dartboard. It's great fun. But as I was playing, I thought, wow, those bristles are really not any more around than fiber optic cable. So why not sprinkle the dartboard with cheap fiber optics so we can see visual effects and targets, et cetera? He's saying it would be great. The fins.

You use it almost. No, no, no, no. He's saying you use fiber optic behind the dartboard like a screen almost. What? Yeah. But what does he mean the bristle effect? Yeah, what is bristle. Is that what the materials call? I thought it is the fins.

Then you throw it, it'll have like little like LED. No, he's saying the board itself. Maybe he had a missile. The thing, the, missile is a better option. He's saying like maybe you see a bristle on the, on a normal like dartboard. To screen or show a bristle. I don't know. Okay, I tried my best.

I really don't know. Yeah, this is not a good one. Because he also said it's an automatic scoring one, right? So, like, he must already have, yeah. This guy just loves, he loves lights and stuff. He always wants to have lights. He loves flashing lights, fast food. I just, yeah, sprinkle fiber optic.

Sprinkle the dartboard with cheap fiber optics is what really confused. Sprinkle is a crazy verb to use for that. Old guys always think fiber optic, like they don't know what fiber optic cable is. And so they think fiber optic is some like futuristic thing. Yeah. It's because they put in the ocean and they get the internet. My granddad is always like. Like, if we ever go by, like, some city utility that's digging something up, he's like, yep, they're putting in more fiber optic cable.

That's because every, every TV commercial that airs for Verizon or something, they say the word fiber optic 20 times. Most fiber optic in the country. I don't know what fiber optic even means. I think he's just got some sort of dartboard that, like, has bristles that catch it. It's like a different type of dartboard, and he wants those to be cable. Oh, okay. So that lights can come through. Yeah.

That's actually not about it. I guess. I'm not sure that's an electric darkboard anymore, though. Yeah, not at all. Yeah. This is not a good invention. That's a zero. Bad invention, bro.

Faraday cages to house movie theaters. So he wants a fair day cage around a movie theater so you can't text or call on your phone. Don't they do that? No. That would be so. Why does my phone not work at the movies? I'm trying to make all these calls in the theater. Can't even get a call out.

If you're actually never works out. If you're actually a real texting and movie head like me, you'd know it works perfectly in the movie theater. I text. in every movie. Oh, I'm singing into my phone. I text, I talk. I'm not even. I'm recording voice members

about the movie. Yeah. I'm on Smule karaoke. I'm singing with some 45-year-old lady from the Philippines. I shazam every single. I'm texting the 5-5-5 number

just to double chat. Hello, Indiana Jones. This might go through. No, don't switch that of Boulder's coming. I'm chazimming Sunflower by post-Malong. And then playing. it back to make sure it's the right song. They got it right. Oh, shit, it actually is.

Yeah, the entire time. I'm going, Siri, put my phone on silent. No, Siri, silent for an hour straight. Now playing silent time. Now, watch me, man. Large returnable containers for real bulk foods. What is that little fucking guy? Basically, what he wants, I don't want to read this whole thing.

He wants to, he says, my political leanings are definitely to the right. That being said, it doesn't mean that I think we should run around filling up holes with trash. So basically he wants to recycle. He wants more recyclable giant bulk food. And not even like, this is all like logistical food recommendations. Not even like, oh, they should make a candy

bar that tastes like pizza. He's doing like, I want to make this whole thing a little easier. Yeah. I want to maximize storage. This is a fat guy that lives like next to a McDonald's. Yeah. And his problems are all in a radius of walking. Yeah. Which he also still

drive so. Yeah. He still drives there. This is what the explanation of here, how he arrived at this idea is. We have bulk food areas in the grocery store, but we really just give them a cursory glance. They are called bulk because they don't have packages. But we need packages because we need to hold our stuff.

So I thought that any dry good could be held in large bins and filled into smaller plastic containers once used those containers will be handed back for washing and a rebate against the next container of product. So you can just buy one that you did. You can cut out the middle know what this picture is. That's Booberry. I know

booberry when I see him. But the like you can just buy like those Tupperware things on online and then just like he just doesn't want to wash out these like containers. He hates. Sorry. This is a little well that wouldn't be an invention. That's true.

This is a little bit separate. But if you work at a restaurant and you have and now you label everything and put it in those containers at your house, you are a goofball. Yeah. You are a calling Noah. You're saying like the, like the red lid. No, oh no, there's the little the deli containers and you put and you put like shrimp one slash six.

Shut the fuck up, man. Yeah. Honestly, he had like an hour long conversation about cheese last night. I hate him. Noah? Yeah. He spurged out about cheese. I, I leaned over. I think he was drunk, but I leaned over and I was like, hey, I actually missed the cheese conversation. Can you repeat it? And he engaged with it like really seriously. And he's like, oh, no, we're still going. And and I was like, oh, okay. And I went back to play Mario Kart. I love him so much. But he was like really excited for me to join in.

Yeah. But that is, if you're drinking your water at your house out of one of those things. That's, no, no, no, your garbage and you're,

and it's just Horissa hot honey on it. Oh my God. If you're in a real, if you're in a really, really hot kitchen and you drink out of that thing, it's so good. Oh my God, really?

It's so good. Nope. New sound. You guys have a sound board? Wait, play it. No, play it. Play the right one. Yeah.

Is it the whole song or is it just that part? No, it's just, it's that part twice. You should, you should have one like maybe like right here. I don't like when you touch this for no reason. Why did you switch to an empty page to tell me to add something? Just the whole song on this one. Why? Why? It's the same.

Just so we can listen to the whole thing. Or it's like a like a 10 minute file that has the song in the middle somewhere. Yeah. And you press it when you start. Oh my. Oh, this is a great idea. Amazing idea. The 10-minute file where you hide a one somewhere in there and you can press it.

And then like maybe you could go up to go to the bathroom and then it plays and we don't know what's going on. I should just do one file that's all the sounds at random intervals. We should do it one hour sound. You could record your topics like every like 15 minutes be like, you know, what if the dancing bear guy had a penis thing? And then it would just go and then you just start talking about that. Yeah, we have a ding that means we have to move on to some talking about something. like this. That's a very smart idea, Nick. Yeah. That's cool of M-M-M-M-M-E-50.

All right. Here's his last invention idea. Universal time zone. This one. This one is really boring, but I agree. I don't agree. You don't, you want it to be like noon at like six in the morning here? Maybe. Why? Maybe I'm up.

Maybe I'm up at noon. We just go by the sun. It could be like pretty bright a clock. It could be like getting dark a clock. Yeah. It'd be dark a clock. Oh, you know what?

Anybody who complains about time zones has difficulty adding two to a number. You know what? You know what my problem is? I got the time zones mixed up with daylight savings. I thought he was trying to abolish daylight savings. You always got time zones wrong. Do you guys have daylight savings here? Do you guys have daylight savings here?

Yeah. Is it gone in California? It's gone in Arizona. Oh, okay. Thank God. I wish it was going. They need it the most. They need to rid of the most.

They got sandstorms. They got there's also no excuse for for not being not figuring out time zones because it's the easiest thing to Google yeah yeah you search what time is it in this place I know I know the time zone difference between here and the West Coast I know it's three hours but like I didn't know nice good job but when we were on tour I was like you kept being like it's tech we're in Texas it's 11 a.m. so it's six or seven yeah I also memorize the math in my head because it's like Ohio is like one there's like a there's like a part of Ohio that's like a different time zone right we like were we even in Ohio never yeah no I was in Ohio when I was 18 for my birthday and then I like that's I thought I hated soundboards but I'm just been convinced I'm okay if you hate soundboards to hit him with the with the with the Alvin oh yeah I have to fucking find it it's right

there. No, it's not. What was that one? That's when said Connor. Okay, so you hate soundboards again? Uh, I... I... Yeah.

I'm still not. I can't do anything. And we got you. That's the end of the list. Yeah. Yeah, that is the end of the list. Oh, there's one comment, but... Am I, I, I'm back?

You're back. You're back in the main prison. Stop. Turn out. No, please, please. I'll order to the Beastie Boys thing. I really like this comment. Joseph Dewey said,

excellent blog, great inventions. Was this like Hordeaux? No, this is a lot of the color scheme, oddly enough. That's how to get people to go to his website. Way to include the Hoff on a blog about innovation. Amazing. So I wanted to say great inventions on this post. Great invention.

This is an invention fan. He looks at every board post. Joseph Dewey sounds like he invented. some kind of thing to make slaves work better. Joseph Dewey. I think he wrote like Malcolm in the middle. You know who did one of the producer names on that show that I memorized all the time was Linwood Boomer. You memorized all the time?

I memorized it. Every morning I woke every single time that I saw a new episode. I'd be like, oh, there is. Linwood Boomer. Linwood Boomer is a same thing. Memorized it all the time. Rememoration it all the time It was like Groundhogs Day thing Like every morning Every morning he'd watch it and forget he watched it And then be like I got to memorize that to be good as much

tomorrow I reset every day so that makes sense I you kind of do yeah all right thank you Nick Yeah thank you on You want to see Nick he's at the bell house Yeah he'll be doing helium in Philly Yeah, June 24th which is today

But he will be at the Yard Can I have the squeaky voice to play me out? Yeah. A dance with the devil might last you forever. Damn. Yeah. Oh, and we have to plug our... Whoa.

Oh, my God. So it's like... You're doing five fingers of death. Yeah. Holy fuck. But yeah, July 14th, we are at Littlefield, world's biggest army. We are doing our sketch show.

Buy some tickets. they are going at a pretty good pace so if you want to buy them at the best time by the day of the show or else you're going to miss the show or else you're going to miss the whole show I think we're current

I think we have 400 tickets to go yeah only 400,000 I think that's not all right by you use promo code Patrick to pay full price to pay full price do you guys

do you guys ever walk by an armored truck that's parked somewhere and you think to yourself like, I hope they don't kill me. I hope they don't think I'm trying to steal from the truck. I hope they don't mistake me for a guy who's trying to get into the truck. I was walking home at like two in the morning a couple months ago and they were like, the guys were just sitting looking the other way with like $50,000 and $20 bills there and they're just like smoking cigarettes waiting for their smoke break to be over. Yeah. I was like, this would be the easy. And you know me. I'm always looking for a lick.

I was like, this would be the easiest lick. They call you lickler. Kill these two guys, take this money. Yeah, easy. Who's going to ever know? They got cameras all over the truck. Shut up. Every single part of the truck has a camera.

I have a camera. Fuck it. You know, I think, but here's the thing. The Brinks truck has cameras on every single part of it. Couldn't they make an amazing reality TV show about traffic with the same truck? Well, that's what I was going to get at is that we should do a parks and rack about people, two, three guys in a brink's truck. That's actually a really. parks and driving is what it could be called parking parking and driving that is actually such a good idea

and it's a brink's truck it has all the cameras all over it and it's like those 360 cameras and they're going into like into people's cars yeah we just get it we buy a brink truck it all retired brink's truck or we just steal one we put some 360 we leave all the money we steal the truck but leave all the problem is that people are going to think it's a real brink's truck and try to rob us and all of our guns are they're funny guns they don't do anything a bang flag yeah they're props but then the the Episode, episode starts, right? It's like, you guys, my uncle's coming over. My uncle's coming over.

Same exact episode. Same exact episode. This is how it starts out. My uncle's coming over. Back of the truck opens up. Back of the truck opens up. Uncle's head pops in. Hello.

It's me. The president. It's Donald Trump. Damn it.