Podcast About List - Ep. 255 - Prison At Last

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

It's over, we're never gonna get out of here, donate to our prisoner fund: https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Watch the full video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

A dramatic scene after a vehicle slams into a building, Maria Stefanos, in the newsroom with some new surveillance of this crash, Maria. Emily, what a mess. Police are still investigating what led up to this crash, but we can tell you that there are no survivors. Apparently security footage caught three weird-looking adult men playing with a laser pointer just before the crash. They seem to be giggling and tickling each other. An enhancement of the video even reveals one suspect touching another's butt. Police have released sketches of the suspects responsible for this crash along with the following audio clip. Wait, wait, guys, let's crash that car.

Just kidding. I don't care. Let's touch his butt. Many amateur sleuths have taken to the internet with theories on who the police sketch resembles, but police chief Mike Horan had this to say. With our current resources, we are unlikely to identify the culprits responsible for this tragedy. The only way I could see us finding these criminals would be if there were some kind of massive digital repository of hours of video and audio footage. of these men that we could use to match their faces in the security footage. Weird guys like this are hard to hunt down. If they were semi-popular internet celebrities or somewhat famous comedians, that would be another story.

But we're still waiting on details at this time. In addition to dozens of fatalities and nearly a hundred serious injuries, there was structural damage to the building, as you can imagine, and that right now is being investigated. As well as the psychological damages caused by the bald suspects attempt to Riz one of the female crash victims. One thing's for certain. These three pieces of shit have a life sentence ahead of them once they're caught. Back to you, Fudd.

Yep. Yeah, I mean, that doesn't even begin to... No, brood does not encapsulate what we... What about this word? We found ourselves on. Dave is good. You're getting a little bit closer, I would say. Okay.

Still not fully there. One word. Boing. Sproying is okay. Sproying is colder, though. You're almost on it. One word. No, that's the sound.

No, that's definitely the closest one. Guys, we have found ourselves in a bit of a sticky legal situation. It's ongoing, but... Ongoing for a very long time. time ongoing for essentially the rest of our lives they're 100 years we've been sentenced to 100 years in federal maximum security prison cell block 1,000 that's where we are right now yeah and yeah I mean there's no two ways about it we messed up yeah I think we're completely innocent I don't mean we should have been saying the immortal words of

Kendrick Lamar when shit hits the fan are you still a fan and the rest of the line doesn't matter. Uh-huh. I don't know what the rest of the line is. It doesn't matter. Can you say it?

What's the rest? When shit hits the fan, are you still a fan? I'm looking around right now and no, I cannot say it. No, when shit hits the fan, are you still a fan?

And then he says, my name is, he says, Michael Jackson. He says, he gave us Billy Jean. They say he touched those kids. It's a bit of it. It's kind of weird

that he never got in trouble for that song. Yeah. Yeah, he's kind of being like, that Michael Jackson never got in trouble for Billy Jean? yeah i don't think you should get in trouble for billy jean is that you're dating a girl named billy kind of gay michael jackson come on now kind of ugh no but kentricelmart didn't get in any trouble for making this song where he was like he got in some trouble when his last album came

out right didn't people didn't he have something about well people were mad about humble people were mad that he said he's sick and tired of the photoshop and show me something real girls i don't know what was wrong with it but there was people getting i remember my friend telling me that people like that people were mad about that when we were in an Uber and I was like what? I do fucking hate when a girl sends me a selfie with the Photoshop

on though. Yo, that's fact true. I'm not getting those anymore though. I know that's not. I came in here. Not mine. I'm one of those prisoners that makes TikToks. Yeah. Really? I do jumping jacks and sing songs. How many cigarettes does that cost you? One hundred and twenty. He has the most cigarettes. The thing about Cameron is he's kind of

one right now. Okay. So if you're wondering, if you're wondering, if you're wondering where we're at. Cameron has become kind of the king of the jail so far. I mean, he's feared, revered. Reviled. Revaled by many different. I mean, I think you've gotten... Basically, everything

that starts with re and then two syllables, that's me. So what we have learned is that everybody, there's different cars in prison and Cameron is all of the cars respect him. Yeah. Every single one of the groups in prison really respect him. That's what they

You haven't noticed this? People are calling them cars. People are calling them cars? Yeah, yeah. Like every group in prison is a car, they say. Huh. So every single, I mean, we're just lucky that we didn't have to join any of these other guys. Yeah, by the way, if you were wondering, we did not join any kind of white group. We formed our own group, thank you very much.

We formed our own group called the prison jitterbugs. The prison jitterbugs, we thought that it was a nice kind of low-profile name. We'd be able to stay out of trouble. And we didn't think that Cameron would snap. Like the jitterbugs, the jitterbugs, like everything else in jail, it's about respect. And Cameron has just been, I mean, adding years to his sentence with stuff that he's been doing. I'm honestly not so worried about adding years to my sentence because, as you guys know, the arrangement we have with the warden right now, who we do. Here's a painting.

Oh, these are my watercolors. Do you want me to go through my watercolors real quick? Well, no, I'm still talking here about our arrangement with the warden, which is that, Every podcast episode we record while we're in here, they're actually taking a year off our sentence just because of how much these episodes have been helping the community both in and out of prison. But simultaneously,

we are doing a lot of stuff that is getting time added to our sentence. Oh, yeah. I mean, these watercolors, I was not supposed to have paint. No. I don't even know how you got. I don't even know who would bring you paint. I, buddy, it took me a long time to get all this paint in here. I can tell you that for free.

One drop at a time? Yeah. I just smuggle it in. to smothered in one drop at a time. That's why it's watercolors because it's mixed in with my mouth. That makes sense. See, we have up here on the right

that is our former cellmate as a portrait of our former cellmate Ryan. And Cameron, why don't you tell them why Ryan looks like that in that photo? Oh, well, I was having a bad dream where I got struck by light. And in the dream, I thought, oh, my God, I'm going to die. I might as well lash out at everybody around me.

And by the way, Ryan's nickname was White Lightning. So you woke up, you saw lightning. I woke up. I saw his lightning bolt tattoos that he has. That's why I was thinking about lightning. Two lightning bolt tattoos. I think it was like a family crest or something. Also because he was white.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, true. That was the other part of the nickname. The tattoos are black ink. Yeah, they were not. It doesn't make a lot of sense. He did have white stuff tattooed on them in other places. Yeah, that is true.

He tried to tattoo you. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Yeah. I did actually end up getting a prison tattoo. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I've shown you guys this yet. No, yeah, I haven't seen it.

Ryan, our cellmate was a, that's okay. You can have that one. Oh. Ryan, our cellmate was giving me a tattoo. And I didn't really look at what. I was kind of closing my eyes. Yeah, I've been pretty tired in pain. been pretty bored so I was just kind of taking a quick nap

I thought it was tattooing me and no pain doesn't bother me at all I'm actually invincible but he was tattooing me and I didn't look until about halfway through the tattoo down at what he was tattooing so I ended up finishing it myself when I saw what he was trying to put on my body so here I'll just I'll just show it right now I guess let me stand up and show the so I don't know if you can read that for me because I'm off mic here says it says white person but it looks like maybe it's kind of a blend of two styles kind of old english up until the p yeah and then maybe is that just sharpie no it's a it's it's it's it's all tattooed it's all

tattooed no it's just very blown out oh okay it looks like sharpie yeah i mean you don't we don't have machines in here for uh-huh for tattoos right so maybe the only machines we have here is the industry of prison so he was trying to tattoo on you white prisoner yeah maybe i hope that's Well, I don't want that forever. I'm not going to be out of here Sunday. But I am a white person. Yeah, that'll probably never change unless we develop technology. Yeah.

That's good to get that on your belly, too. Yeah. So when I go swimming, people don't get confused if I get really tan. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you sit out in the sun, you bake. Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right. So then the one on the... I'll go back to your... The one on the right here. This is a portrait of me and the warden. Right. So that's on the left. That's the left.

Oh, I'm sorry. the left or the middle. The camera left. Where are you chewing? Who's chewing on something? He's got ice. You can't chew ice into the microphone. What's bad if you're going to get 10 years after?

It's really good for your teeth. I am. Chewing ice, what if they watch the recordings. I did get 10 years added for rudeness. Yeah. I put my elbows on the table pretty often. In the middle here is the portrait of me and the warden.

And then underneath that is, Pizza Friday. Pizza Friday. We've been getting pizza Fridays because of stuff that Cameron has been, uh, threatening in the in the in the prison and he said what did you say you said if we don't get pizza Friday you kind of had like your own little like all you all getting splatted yeah all you did say that that's been like a little protest yeah yeah yeah prison protest and uh it got us

it got us pizza Friday so put to play that uh applause sound I'm so so blest I'm so blessed I'm so I'm so blessed to be stuck in this hellhole with one of my most violent friends yeah me too It really is. Yeah, it's too bad that I got put in a cell with two kind of wayfish little pussycats. Yeah, I mean, I've been getting really into my art. I'm a complete bitch. I'm a fucking bitch.

Right? The first day that I was here, I went up to the biggest, baddest guy in the prison, and I hopped on his back, and he gave me a piggyback ride. That's just how I roll in prison. I'm actually enjoying myself a lot.

I've been a... The wine, guys, I've never been into wine before. Oh, my God. But the tannins in this wine. truly is it's unreal you know when you understood what legs on wine met until i drank it in a styrofoam cup yeah that's what i was just about to say we take the you know you you you'd swirl it around on the table like that in the styrofoam flute that they gave us and we have full samplings by the way we have full samplings we take the we take the we take the wine guys we're cutting up black

olives we're getting slices of craft singles or cutting them into quarters and we sit there And guys, we are enjoying my... Don't feel bad for us in prison. We're happy. I'm living the best life I've ever had in my... Absolutely. Absolutely the best. I get to use a rotary telephone.

It's amazing. I get to use a rotary telephone to call my cousins. My wife is out of the picture. Don't care what she does. I don't remember her phone number. It was in my contact and I don't have my phone. Guys. Actually, I do, but it's only on TikTok is the only app I have.

It's called... I have a new phone that's a one-gigabyte phone and that's the only reason that I could... sneak it in and it's only big enough to store my t-t-tok and my wife is watching the listen a phone number is at least three gigabytes oh yeah it doesn't fit on this tiny ass phones that we have in here these phones are so they have no space in them at all but we've really made a home for ourselves here oh absolutely honestly we have um i mean look at we put up the watercolors we put over here on my side we have uh a sexy calendar you know these and these

guys it is so i mean i have been I've been just a pack mule. I've been smuggling all this stuff in, rolling all this up, putting it in my butt in my mouth. I'm walking around here like a, what's the... Like a reverse chipmunk.

You've got your butt cheeks full of food. I've got my butt cheeks full of food and my mouth full of posters. Walking around. You've been popping out talkies for us and all sorts of things. That's why they call me the monk around here. Yeah, they do call you the monk.

Even though they also call me the monk for a different reason. And what's the reason they call you the mom? Well, I look like a monk. Yeah. Especially in this orange clothes. You tried to set yourself on fire. Well, yeah. The first day, it didn't take it very, very well.

The PlayStation stopped working, so I tried to set myself on fire. But apparently orange juice is not flammable. No, they just walked around sticky for a couple of days because I'm afraid of the showers. Yeah. Well, I mean, you guys brought in some nice stuff. Pat brought in these, or he painted these watercolors. And Caleb brought in this, this calendar and this nice map of Cyradil here. but we didn't have one of the world

making this home I've been I actually contributed to the cell too and yeah yeah I got in here first maybe you guys didn't even notice this but I actually brought these bars for the window

when I got here this window was just open and I figured well not much of a jail there wasn't really a jail feel to it so I threw some bars up there I welded them in they're in the first floor too

which is like you know somebody could come in exactly I don't want anyone coming in and interrupting us What if they stole my posters? What if they stole my watercolors? It's also a little drafty in here, and the bars stop just enough air.

Oh, absolutely. For it to be the perfect temperature. I mean, I couldn't live without these watercolors. These are my pride and joy here. I mean, look at this one right here. We're not going to look closely at that one. Why not? It's going to get us in trouble.

We'll get in trouble if we look closely at that one. I can't wait until this episode gets taken off YouTube. My free time is what is the title. It's my free time, cellmate Ryan, me and the warden, and Pizza Friday. And these are all available on Etsy. They let me open up my own Etsy store in here. Well, that's very nice. The thing is also people talk all this bullshit about correctional officers.

Guys, Linda is a fucking nice lady. She's nice. What are you laughing about? She's pretty nice, all right. What? Does she get you extra food? I'll leave it at that. Did you bring her something in your butt?

Uh-huh. What did you bring her? Chips. It was mostly chips. So now you're... You're such a fucking teacher's pet, man. You are. It drives me crazy.

I've been fucking smuggling in bags of the whole shebang. Or smuggling out bags of the whole shebang. What's the whole shabang? Linda sells them on eBay. Oh, it's looking like there's a... That I need to go over to the other side of the prison cell. Oh, yeah. second and figure out, I think something was supposed to be plugged in that I told one of us to

plug in that ended up not being plugged in. No, it's plugged in. Well, it's not. I think the cable's broken. Yeah, I mean, luckily this cell is four complete walls. Yeah. But yeah, Linda takes whole shebang chips out of prison and sells them on eBay to people who like chips. Yeah, I mean, which is most of the population. Which is, you know, how Linden I have bonded is over chips. But if you're taking them out of your ass, don't they get back and it's all crumbled? There's a bunch of pieces of chips. It's like breadcrumbs.

Well, I mean, I guess it's the, when you're buying chips off eBay, I feel like that's kind of... That's par for the course. Yeah, part for the quits. You run the risk. Especially prison chips, I guess. I love prison chips. Oh, my God. The whole shabangs are very good chips.

Oh, my God. Yeah, I've been asking them to get zaps in. here, but I don't think they're going to. No, I really would like to get just some, is it too much to fucking ask for plain original ways once in a while? Yeah, I mean, everything here's some spicy flavor

or some fucking pretzels. I do, I do miss. Where are the pretzels, where are the wheat thins, and where is the whole wheat bread? I miss the McDonald's on the outside, but the steak and lobsters we've been having in here have been just so incredible. Dude, it's

disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. Steak and lobster, bro. You hate surfing turf days? Dude, I'm walking around. We have pizza Friday and surfing turf. My little bit of the fucking roof. Right? I can barely even muster up the courage to play tennis outside anymore. No, it's pickleball

now. Well, they turn it into the they turn it into pickleball courts. Yeah, because again, Cameron's wrath. I mean, you really have laid down the law here. You've kind of made prison I've always told you guys, first day in prison I'm changing it. You saw what the warden was doing to me

and then you snapped at him and now the warden is a prisoner and I do what the warden did to you and you're the warden. It's a very strange scenario. Yeah, I mean if you He made the warden his proverbial bitch. People

all the time, you know what I've been realized I've been talking to like family members and stuff and they're saying is it like Shawshank Redemption? Is it like No, it's like Delphino Plaza and Mario Sunshine. Guys, it's like Ned's declassified in this bitch, right?

It's like Sweet Life on deck. Yeah, we have, guys, I have a crush. Okay? I'm 20-something years old, and I haven't said this in years. I have a crush, right? I'm not going to tell you who it is. No.

It's a, it's another prisoner. Who? I can't tell you who it is because he's going to listen to this. Oh, great. But we have a woodshop teacher. We have, I mean, there's all sorts of characters. The janitor, this guy's off as fucking rocker, right?

He wears a basically, I keep mistaken of him for some kind of bizarre world prisoner because he wears a blue jumpsuit instead of an orange one. And honestly, I, like, speaking of stuff that you kind of don't expect based on TV and movies before you go into prison. Like, I've always seen prison in the movies and I thought it's one way. And then I get in here and I realize, like, you know, most of the child molesters are actually pretty chill and they're not too bad to hang out with and people don't mind them in here

they don't get beaten up is that because is that because when you first the first day they thought that that's where you were going and they put you at that lunch table no I just walked over and I was like hey guys no one seems to be talking to you but a lot of you seem cool interesting I don't I don't see

you walked over to that table and you dapped them all up yeah and I was like don't feel badly yeah I mean don't go badly about what you've And you're being punished and you'll come out on the other side. That was the one thing. When you first got here, you're, you were so inspirational to everyone walking up to every single prisoner and saying, don't feel badly. And I think that's maybe once you showed them your soft side, but then immediately. Except Larry the litter bug.

Oh, dude. And we had to get rid of him because his name rhymes with jitterbub. His name rhyme with jitterbug. We can't have litterbugs versus jitterbugs. No, it ain't right. Listen, if you're out on the yard. hard, right? It's fine to have a couple of beers, right?

We're all out there, we're lifting weights. We're making beers. Yeah. We have a craft brewery. We're making beers. We're making wine. It's not that big of a deal. It's fine to have the but that can is going to go in the proper receptacle. This is our space. We're going to respect it. We're going to treat it right because

we are going to be here for 200 years. Yeah, we're dying. We are in the Swedish prison for 200 years and we're going to be, and I'm going to get bored of PlayStation. I'm going to get bored of Xbox. I'm going to get bored of surf and turf and all this stuff. Right. But one thing that I will never

get bored of, rolling around on the ground. Yes. And I can't do that if there's fucking trash all over the way. I'm going to get a styrofoam cup. I'm going to get a mental splinter. A mental one. A mental. I already have a mental splinter and it's caused a lot of issues with how I'm treating

people in here. I think it's the root of my problems. I don't think the way that you're treating people is wrong or you should be put in any kind of solitary confinement. By the way, solitary confinement. Solitary confinement is comfortable. We're in it right now. Yeah. I don't even give us a three-person solomitary confinement. Yeah, because we, we overcooked the hamburgers and we were on kitchen duty. Also, yes, kitchen duty is fun. I like the dishes. And I admit it, y'all. And to my girlfriend,

yes, before I was sent off to jail, I forgot to do the dishes. Ooh, add it to my sentence. He'll do him when he gets out. I'll do him when I get out. Calm down. Just leave him there. Just be patient. And guys, Jesus Christ.

If you've been wondering if we've been making funny license plates? You best believe. We've been making very funny license plates. We've been making ones that have an 8,

an equal sign, and a D. You are owned was one that I drew. They do crack down on a lot of the ones that are more obviously funny. So I have been making

some silly ones that maybe appeal to a different crowd. So I've been making ones that say, for example, one, two, three, five. Yep. So as if it's made by someone who can't count. If you're not a math nerd, you might have not noticed, that's not in sequence.

Right. That's the wrong. Because the ones I make that say, semen or vaginal. Yeah. These ones usually get pulled off the, Vag, A-G-A-N-A-L. I tried to make that one. We got in trouble with these ones, they get crumpled down and they get made into cubes that then turn into.

buildings. On my Etsy store, I have been making these license plates for hipsters. I've been doing ironic stuff. Yeah. And never in my life did I think I'd know how to build a car. But apparently, that's something that you can learn right here. It was incredible how natural he was at building a car. We've been coming manly men. We're hardened, right? When I get out of here, I'm going to be a different guy because I'll be 180 years old So they say that all your cells are different every seven years People say that people say 20 different guys before I get out of here People say that prison that it punishes people instead of reforming them

But no I'm going to be completely different when I got it here My brain is getting completely rewired When I get out of prison I'm going to have a completely different conception of race Exactly because in here we're all one race We're orange we all wear orange clothes out in the in the old world, that's what we call that, because we kind of feel like we're pilgrims kind of coming here to this brave new world,

and we're changing it for the better. We're kind of terraforming this place to it. And Pat brought in a few new diseases. Oh, yeah. Yeah, people have been built up against. Nobody here was immune to ADHD. I've been telling. Something with the food that was in your butt

has also caused it to mutate and be usually spreadable. But it did make the stakes better. That is true. It kind of dry age them. But the one thing that I have been doing while I have been in here is teaching a lot of the other prisoners about mental health and mental health awareness. Yep. And I've diagnosed pretty much every single person on the cell block with ADHD and autism. Which is going to really help in their defenses, I think.

I think that's a good chance of getting paroled. I've pretty much diagnosed every single person in here with some kind of TikTok mental health thing. And if you're scared that we're hanging out with serial killers and stuff. Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are. Yeah, sue me. Yeah, I mean, at this point, yeah, Cameron is probably approaching serial killer numbers. But also, we were doing that before we got sent to jail, too.

Yeah. And you might be, too, and not even know it. Yeah. That's the scariest part about the serial killer. The Brooklyn alt comedy scene, it's more fucked up than you think. That is some real shit. It's pretty much all serial killers. A huge percentage of serial killers have been in refuge hiding.

They've been put into, a lot of people also get put into witness protection in the, in the all comedy scene is something I've found out. Yeah. Yeah, people like, I know, you see people who you're like, this person is, is, are they doing a character? They couldn't possibly be this weird guys like Nathan Fielder, Joe Perra. No, they act like that because they're putting on a disguise. It's a way to cover it up. Exactly. They've seen horrible things. You think John Wilson, you think he doesn't, he, he, do you think he turns that?

Do you think any human being would talk like that? And do you think he turns that camera off before he walks by people's windows at night? And then records them putting the pin code on their, on their door. No, dude, he's stealing that shit. He's going in there. He's slitting throats. Pretty much every single comedian you've ever seen. Every single comedian you've ever met has one or six bodies.

And if you're wondering. Buried underneath their house. And if you're wondering if we've given up our dreams just because we moved to prison. No. We are still comedians. We are still actors. Guess what these mics are for when we're not recording the podcast. That's why we are still screenwriters, poets, authors, and amateur film colorists,

and potential musicians if we ever learned how to play an instrument. I made one of those, I took the washboards. I've been working on a song in here really quick. Do you guys want to hear it? Yes. Here's how it goes. It's called beep. I haven't learned how to do pitches yet.

But once you figure out the notes, that'll sound amazing. That's going to be the next feel good. And if it will have vocals as well, it could even be touching. Yeah, that does sound like feel-good ink. Wait, do it again? Wow. See, that sounds like to sample that song for my song. You can sample it.

I might sample 30 seconds to 15 minutes of that song. Yeah, do it. What are they going to be in jail for copyright infringement? Yeah, exactly. That's the other thing, y'all. Copyright infringement is gone. Do you guys remember the episode of Family Guy where he gets diplomatic immunity? Uh-huh.

Pretty much we have that. We have that. Dad, we have prison attic immunity. They can't punish us any more than we've already been punished. We're in jail for the rest of our lives. None of this shit matters. I'll hit Patrick. I'll hit Patrick. I will hit you.

What are they going to do? Execute us? The death penalty has been revoked by communist liberals in almost every single I never thought I would be thankful for a liberal or a commie in my life, but here I am. Guess where we were going before these liberal bastards. We were going to an execution method called the pit that was based on

a mortal combat stage They were gonna throw us into a spike They were gonna do a brutality at us They don't even think we're important enough To get the camera angles of a fatality No, just a brutality Just punch our heads Right off our fucking heads

Mm-hmm And that was it That was all we were gonna get Sorry Sometimes I confuse Head in the head and neck Are the same Two sides of the same coin

Honestly in here People are treat me like I'm one big foot, so it doesn't fucking matter what parts of my body they're all massaging you. Massage me, smell me, throw me around. You've been getting in hell of massages in here. You've been getting so many massages.

I guess I look tight. The rub king. Yeah, I guess I look tight. How much you get rubbed? They call him the rub king. I'm the monk and they call you the they call you Genghis Khan. They call you Megatron.

They call you Megatron. They call you the Slayer. Yeah. They call you the Gengis Convict. Gangas convict. Gengistron. No, you can't make your own nickname.

I mean, you can do whatever you want because I'm scared of you. Yeah, we're not going to tell you what you can and can't do. The hound would be cool. The hound of cell block 1,000. The hell hound of cell block. Yeah, that would work. The psycho crazy of cell block 10,000. They've mostly been calling you Cameron, though, because you do this when you.

I don't like nicknames. Yeah, you don't like nicknames. You don't like nicknames at all. If my name, if I, if I, I wanted my name to be shorter. I would have got it legally changed. Yeah. What would you change your...

To cam. Do you guys think that I could get people to stop calling me the Rub King and maybe start calling me... I think you'd have to join... You'd have to... Oh. Well... I think the one way that you can definitely change your name.

Why? You could join Nation of Islam. What about... Oh, I'm already trying to. Yeah. They have a lengthy hazing process to get in, though. That makes sense. I've been getting dunked into big, like, buckets of glue and stuff.

Yeah. Do you if they put feathers on you? Yeah, yeah. I did see you on the commissary and you were... Commissary, is that the word? I did see you, you were nude and you had your hand over your balls. And I was like, oh, my God. Cube ball.

That could be cool. Cube all. Ciball. But I mean, I kind of want something a little tougher because I do... Cue ball is cool. Cue ball is so tough, man. It hits all the other balls after it gets hit in the butt with a stick. I mean, I guess I just want...

Like, I like being the Rub King. I like getting the size. Um, yeah, I mean, I can... Oh, I got one. Mr. Clean. Yo, what about Mr. Shine? But maybe it wouldn't have anything. It could have nothing to do with me.

What about shiny star? Yeah, shiny? Superstar. It doesn't have to be shiny. Oh, you're good. Superstar. Superstar is a little club, but again, I want it to be like... Hey, you know, Popstar.

What about like, Pop star is good? What about... Wait, okay. The vanilla girl. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. I can't see that for you. We are rebranding you as pop star. Pop star. Okay. We are going to take these microphones. We are going to have a prison concert. You're going to be like Johnny Cash, but you're going to go up there and you're going to be doing all these like little boy band songs. Yeah, you're going to be doing like, uh, oh, oh, oh. Big time rush style. Yeah.

I just went to prison, kidnapped the children and I feel just like a pop star. Kidnap the children. It just rhymes. Okay. I didn't do any kidnap. I don't even know how to do it. It was so much, I mean, we were, we, we are in here because we shined a laser pointer at a, at a motorist. Allegedly. Allegedly. So, uh, no, I did that shit. I did that shit, bro. It was three different guys who did that shit.

Yeah, I did it too. Listen, I did all the other stuff they said we were doing, but I didn't do that one thing. Yeah. I shined a laser pointer at a motorist, a person behind the wheel of a car for those who don't know. And, uh, I stole movies from free movies.com. That was why you got in here. That was one of the reasons. I also killed a family.

I left a bunch of fucking dog turds all over the city. Yeah. And the parking tickets. It was the parking tickets, but guys, I'm going to be honest, it was mostly the dog turds.

And I was throwing them in places. There was a, I just thought kind of you could put them wherever. So I was putting them in, you know, those little kid race car things that, the little electric ones. I am not that smart and I don't wear my glasses.

That was a garbage can. So I was, and I was throwing them in. And I was accumulating. And I wasn't bagging them either. So I was just kind of just picking them up, throwing them in there. I'd walk around with a dust pan and kind of just sweep turds into this thing. Then all of a sudden, this kid sits down in it, squishes poop everywhere.

And basically he sued me because he got grounded for shitting his pants. But it wasn't true. I was also, another charge they levied against me. I drew crude nudes in my personal notebook. I left it on the train. Yeah. Yeah, I could see. They were able to trace me back based on my, based.

on what the they had a handwriting expert and also you got to stop signing those things yeah well i sign it with my address my phone number and my SSN and then i put five thousand dollar award if returned which if they ever do return i'm saying no man that says five point oh oh oh that's and i also don't have five dollars yeah no i don't have any money i mean you think if i was if you think if i was if i was rich i'd be drawing these in my notebook no no no i'd be painting them on canvas they'd be in the loomma or the loo i mean i don't you think if i was if i was if i was if i was rich i was I, the one thing I did get sent in here for, the one thing that I was like, oh, the laser pointer thing, whatever, whatever, then they try.

Then these motherfuckers tried to get me on skateboarding. I have never once in my life touched a skateboard. You're not a boarder. I'm not a skater. You're the farthest thing from a skateboarder. I don't skate. I don't do vandalizing of property. Yeah.

I'm a total toy. I don't do graffiti. I don't do graffiti. I don't do graffiti and I don't skateboard. I'm a complete, and the alleged skateboarding, there is no proof. There is no proof that I've ever once in my life put wax on a ledge. And all those videos of Patrick skateboarding, guys, that was not skateboarding. He doesn't land any of the tricks.

They all look like complete shit. He can't do a single fucking thing. Every clip he's ever posted, he's not skateboarding. You couldn't call that skateboarding. If I went on to the soccer pitch. and I fell over and started putting the soccer ball in my ass and punching my balls and putting the other hand in my mouth would you say oh that guy's playing soccer

because that's basically what he does for the skateboard I don't know what soccer is that's what I would say footie football okay footie football but yeah you wouldn't call that soccer and you wouldn't call what he does skateboarding because really it's an embarrassment to skateboarding right we don't have to go I mean just well you said it yourself you don't skateboard well just I don't skateboard allegedly or allegedly don't

but you don't but you don't we can finally admit it it was all just this is the case that my lawyer and listen if you saw him

skateboarding maybe he was trying to yeah but he's never he's never successfully he was a ripick that was what that's what there's no crime

listen they have attempted murder they don't have attempted skateboarding exactly which it's not a crime apparently or it is a crime skateboarding is a crime

skateboarding that's always a complete crime but what you were doing with the skateboard I would say is arguably even bigger crime yeah

Because it was just so... Prime to art. Just worth... To coolness. And I get that you were doing like a kind of Sasha Baron Cohen satire thing.

Right. Wouldn't it be funny if a guy was this bad at skateboarding? But it just... I get why they locked you up in here as what I'm saying. No, they locked me up in here

for the laser pointer and I'm currently fighting this case that I've ever touched a skateboard of my life. They got our fingerprints on this laser pointer they used it to tie us to all these other unsolved cases. I mean, they let us keep it, even though it's evidence.

Yeah, you don't have to switch it on and off. It's on. I don't know how you don't know how to use. You don't know how to do anything, basically, and that's why you're in prison. This is where stupid people go to die. But another thing they got me on, I was expiring milk. Yeah. I would get it from the grocery store, and I would just let it sit in my house until the expiration day pass, and I bring it back.

Bro, that is nasty. You would return it? Yeah. You'd switch it out? Yeah. Switch out the jugs. Yeah. That's a good move.

Yeah. Well, that's the other thing. I mean, you're basically just giving people sour cream. Yeah, big whoop. I got, I got way. Show me literally one line of any U.S. law where it says it is illegal to expire milk. Exactly.

Nobody even thought of this. You're not allowed to expire milk. I wouldn't have done it if there was a law that said that. Unless they recently put an amendment in the Constitution. Which it could have been because I don't read every update to the Constitution. I do. I keep up with it and there's nothing about milk in there, even a little bit. They are.

They didn't have milk back down. They did. What was that amendment they just are thinking of adding? Probably something to make wokeism mandatory. That literally makes me want to make a Shiv and go down to find the woken person in prison and stab them. That's the thing, man. I used to think Shiv was a succession character, a woman who's a woman who's a, as big as the guys on the show.

But now it's a toothbrush. Now it's a toothbrush that... I've sharpened with a knife that they let me bring in. Yeah. You whittled it down. Yeah, they gave you all these knives. They let me bring in my knife collection.

They let me bring in my knife collection. I have butcher's knives. I have like little bear grills, pocket knives and shit. And what is wrong with taking my toothbrush, filing it down to look like a sharp object? She was getting a guy in the belly. I hate your shivs, man, because I'm always trying to brush my teeth and I pick it up, and I fucking hurt my palm because the way I hold the toothbrushes, I cup the end of it.

And I am putting a, I'm, I have my wet stones, too. I know your secret, Matt. I'm wetting them down and doing the whole thing. Oh, you're doing a whole thing. I'm doing a whole thing. You've gotten so much control of your ass by carrying all these chips. Yes, it's a pencil sharpening with that. Admit it.

It's a pencil sharpener down there now. Yes. I see the crank you attach to your hip. Oh, it's not even a crank. It's electric. It's using the electrons in my heart. You got to stop because you're keeping me up at night. I'm trying to fall asleep, right?

I'm bored. I'm looking at my calendar. This is the only thing I can do in my free time is this. And then you... And I'm sitting there and I'm sharpening all the toothbrushes in the jail. I'm sharpening every single end of every single toothbrush and there's going to be a full scale Ryan. Listen, if this is how you're doing it, prove it. Why don't you do it right now

to the cigarette? Okay. Well, you'd have to I mean, he's in a one piece. So take it off. I mean, you can't take it off. You're going to get banned off YouTube. Yeah, but guys. We still have to care about YouTube. And we still have to do the podcast because as much as I would love to move this thing to live leak doesn't exist anymore. Right? So we still have to do the podcast. If you're wondering, is it going to end? No, no, no, no, it's not.

It will never end. If anything, we have more time to do it now. We have nothing fucking better to do, man. We've already, I mean, we, we've already made before my job. I've already looked at every single date on my calendar. Which, by the way, 26 of August is National Dog Day. So look forward to that. Yeah.

I am going to have to, I actually am maybe have to get to step away, sit back from the podcast for a little while because I do. I did get a job. You get a job? Yeah, I'm doing a remote work. I'm doing marketing. Oh, for fucking who? Higher ed. I don't want to say this specific school because I don't want to get fired. The state school?

I don't want to say anything about it really, but I've been building emails and MailChimp and using Canva and Indesign and stuff. So that's been taking me a lot of time out of my day. I mean, that's interesting. Are you going to have time to, like, do a podcast and drink wine and stuff? I have a filter on my video for Zoom calls where it makes me look like I'm wearing a normal shirt. instead of a jumpsuit. You're always wearing that green shirt, Cameron. Very interesting.

It's my favorite shirt. It's my lucky. It's my lucky business shirt. Okay, but yeah, let's go ahead. I've prepared, they let me use the internet a little bit in here. Oh, you have to. Well, I mean, by the way, we have Google Fiverr in here. Which the reason that I got the job, besides money, which I do, I do like money, is also, so to give an excuse.

to give myself some internet access here use some of that extra internet time put together some slideshows they just give you the internet access for that yeah they put a computer in my room could you download Baldersgate 3 for me I don't know I don't think they usually let you download nerd ass

shit in prison but they got naked guys in there yeah that's why you're not allowed to do that you're not allowed to do that you're going to rile everyone else in prison up that's why you're only allowed to jack off the paintings in here well and my calendar here's what we're looking at today here's our list Oh.

So I thought that this might be pretty helpful for us to have a good laugh. It's 100 plus best prison jokes to send to someone in jail for a good laugh. Do we know? This is by Rhoda Mugini. Do we know Rhoda? I think so. I think he's here. I know Rodan.

He's a big bird. Yeah, wait. He's a big bird that sits on top of the prison. And I know a genie. Yeah. By the way, guys, I'm getting really good at basketball. I just wanted to say that. And don't say that I...

That's a good nickname. The basketball. No, I don't... He is the basketball. They call him the basketball because they are... Can I go back to Popstar? You could be called Hoops. Can I beat Pop-Stank?

They're throwing him in the hoop. They are picking him up and throwing him in the hoop. They don't treat me like a ball here. They treat him like a ball because they... Once they saw him on the court, the first time that he showed up. They said, damn! Yeah, they said, damn. Let's throw this guy in the hoop.

Let's throw this guy in the hoop right now. He's making... a fool of himself out here. No. He had his hand behind his back and he was dribbling like this. No, he's mad that I said his skateboarding was bad. I'm not mad. He's taking it out on me.

If you want to fight, we can fucking schedule the fight. I'm not going to fight. We'll say, we'll put it up on the calendar. Yeah, we'll put it up on the calendar. 3 p.m. meet in the yard. We'll form the circle. Everybody will scream fight. And then one of us will go to fucking the principal's office.

If you want to do that, we can do that. I'm not going to fight. I'm here. I'm here to work on my art. Prison can be a depressing and difficult place. And finding ways to bring a little bit of humor and laughter to someone's life who is behind bars can go a long way. If you know someone currently serving time in jail and want to brighten their day, one option is to send them a fun-kney joke.

This article has compiled a list of the best prison jokes sure to make your friends smile. 100 plus prison jokes to send to someone. Personally, I don't need this shit because I'm laughing it up all day every day with my buddy. We're writing our own jokes for our open mic. I think that you're going to like these jokes. I think we're going to read these jokes together and I think we're going to get some good laugh. Well, these make people out of prison laugh.

I think that these might be a little inside baseball or inside jail. I like what you did that. But I think that maybe we can bring... I think hopefully that maybe we can bring prison culture a little bit to the outside and maybe we can help the rest of the world act more like prisoners.

Yeah. Yeah, I do think that I didn't realize that it was such a... Have you guys seen yes man or yes man? Yeah. I went on my first date. in middle school to see yes men and I ate all the popcorn that she bought.

That's kind of how I see the world now is like the people who are prisoners those are the yes men, those are the doers. They said yes, I will be in prison. Yeah, because they do they do legally have to ask you. The doers, hey, I wish the prison had some doers instead of these damn bars. See, a lot of yesmen do end up being in prison

because they asked them if they did something. Did you murder that woman? Yes. I have to say yes. I have to say yes. God damn it. Yes. Yes, I am a yes, man.

I have to say yes. It is difficult to find things to discuss with someone in prison, especially if you have never been jailed. But sometimes a good joke can be a great way to break the ice and connect with someone behind bars. So this is good if you're trying to break the ice with someone who's in prison. One of my jobs is breaking the ice last week. Whether you are penning down a letter or sending a message through a prison communication system,

including a funny joke and show that you are thinking of the person and trying to bring a little bit of joy to their day. Now, what is this? Recomend it for you. Durban men pay R1, 2, 3 for water at Platinum Belt Lounge after seeing expensive. Oh, okay. What is a Durban man?

That is in South Africa, I believe. Oh, okay. Funny prison jokes. What are some famous prison lines? Check out the following jokes below that will make any prison smile. Okay. They include the following. So now we're finally getting into it.

I'm thinking maybe we can switch off, switch off reading them maybe. I mean, yeah. But I'll start here. What do you call a fake noodle in prison, a cell phony? Okay. Maybe this is like chelfony. Like maybe there's like a type of noodle. Chelfon.

That's actually pretty funny. Yeah, that's kind of funny. But I think if you sell prison, phony, fake, chelfony. Yeah. This is more of a joke for the writers, though. Yeah. The reader's not going to get that. or the listener's not going to get it.

Maybe the reader will get it, though. Well, let's go to the next one then. Okay. Pat, you do this one. Okay. Why did the prisoner take a shower before he ate? He wanted to enjoy his meal behind bars. Why?

Bars of soap. Oh. Behind bars of soap. But he doesn't want it to enjoy his meal. Behind bars. Maybe meal, like, meal like you, takey shower? Mealike, take a shower, that makes sense. Yeah, wait, okay.

He wanted to shout, like, you, oh, show, maybe it's shower. Shower. Like, he wanted to show her, everybody has made food. Yeah. He wanted to show her everyone, me likey, take a shower. Maybe the shower. Oh, no, I get it. Why did the prisoner take a shower before he ate, as opposed to during, while he's eating?

Uh-huh. Because the shower doesn't have bars, but his cell does. So we wanted to enjoy his meal behind bars in the cell. So it's not so much. a joke as much as it is just like this guy this is what he

yeah try to figure out what this means is he so why is enjoy his meal why

did it the pries sonor maybe it's pric sonar why died the prisoner taike a show word

by far he ate before he ate and ate as in the number yeah he wanted two years in prison enjoy his

me all behind behind behind bars behind bars behind bars behind bars So you used it to watch

wash your behind but with a bar Oh that is so smart You wash your behind with a bar of soap Yeah All right we figured this joke We finally figured it out Let's go to the next joke

Caleb this one's yours Okay I got you We had a technical difficulty Because of a riot that broke out I thought it was a rat that broke out It was a it's confusing Because they basically are the same fucking word

It was reverse kudos to whoever invented fucking English. What happened was the guys outside saw a rat scurry across the floor. And it caused a rat. That scurry on the floor. And then somebody said, you want to see a... And I'm going to start a riot. Yeah. And I said you're going to start a rat.

And that's where the confusion started. It was the whole confusion. That's where it stemmed from. And it started and then it led to I think 31 confirmed kills. Yes. All from Cameron. Well, let's go ahead and move to Caleb's joke here. All right. Let's see Caleb's joke. So my joke now.

Okay. Did you hear about the prisoner who invented a teleportation device? He was sentenced to life. Oh, life in prison. Well, but okay, but... Kind of like us. All right. Well, let's do the same thing we did with the other ones. So, sentenced, this is a sentence. Uh-huh. True. It's actually two sentences.

So, and also life, maybe it's like he spent his entire life teleporting. Yeah. yeah this one's hard to figure out I've got a bunch of these we can just keep moving forward he got in the vents he tried to escape oh yeah there we go that's it port

yeah port telly he's on the telly he's on the telly on the porter here's another one that makes sense why did the prisoner break his own watch he wanted to serve time

oh I like that that's like kind of how drag queens say serve yeah yeah like oh he's served if somebody's wearing a watch they'd be like oh you serve in time right it's giving time it's giving time

it's giving time which is something I've said for a long time even before giving came out as slang I always say this watch is giving time

because it gives me time gives me the time so you kind of invented that yeah I was first when it comes to giving and serving when it comes to watches and time

would be my area of expertise and I honestly say that watch is a cunt I usually say it's stuff like she was giving me cunt and that kind of got corrupted and changed through the power of slang

Yeah, yeah, then he turned in all these brunches. Yeah. This next one here, why did the prisoner bring a ladder to his cell? He wanted to reach new heights. That's straightforward. That's pretty much, yeah. I don't like the implication of this, which is that the, I mean, I don't even want to.

Oh, then he was going to cut the, he was going to kick the ladder out from his foot and kill himself. It's going to end his own life. Yeah, usually they do that on a bucket. Yeah. A ladder if you're a tall. That's true. Ladder if you are tall. Yeah.

Well, usually what they really do is they, they, so what you, you get a, like a necktie or any kind of like noose thing, you tie it around a doorknob and then, uh, slam the door. It's really hard. I think you're thinking of pulling teeth. No, no, no, no. No, the thing of pulling souls from bodies. Yeah. Yeah, you slam the door knob really hard. Yeah, I've heard of that done.

Uh-huh. I think that's the way that a lot of eight and nine-year-olds kill themselves. I think you guys are really getting confused about the two, getting your teeth out. No. Are you saying, so you put a piece of dental floss around your neck? Yeah. No, no, like a neck tie or like neck floss. Yeah.

You put neck floss around your neck. You put neck floss around your neck and then you tie it on the doorknown. And you slam the door. You get your brother to slam the door as hard as he can because he's older and stronger. Yeah. I mean, I guess I would work of you up. Okay, that would work. If it's neck floss, then, yeah.

Obviously, it's for your neck. Okay, so here, I'll just read these rapid fire. Okay, real quick. What do you call a prisoner who's always ready to fight? Celluroid. What do you call a prisoner who's good at math? Cellculator. What do you call a prisoner who's always on time?

Cellander. What do you call a prisoner who's good at painting? Selbert. What do you call a prisoner who's good at telling jokes? Cellmate. I know Selbert. Me too. He does the Selbert.

report. See, the thing about all these jokes, the things that's great about all five of these jokes here is if you said these in a real prison, they would laugh. They wouldn't even try to beat you up. They wouldn't even try to beat your ass

for saying this stuff. This will maybe the next time that somebody takes the massage over an hour, which is my limit, by the way. Past that, it starts giving me bruises. Like I got cupping done. I get bruised. I get bruised.

I mean, over an hour, it's just way too much. It's her bruising. I'm a very light bruiser. So by then... You're like a banana. Yeah, I mean, I'm... Nobody calls me banana yet. Everyone calls you banana because they make you do the splits.

But now when I say stop and they say, I'm not going to stop. Now I can get them to stop by telling them one of these jokes. I'll be rolling on the ground. So, okay, cell uroid. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Whoa.

You look ready to fight and you're in prison. Bit of a cellular. Hold the phone. We have the new class clown of prison. I guess to do a little analysis on this. They'll take their hands off of my glutes to slap their knees. I think Cellbert, Cellmate, these things are pretty straightforward. But I do want to analyze really quick, though.

What do you call a prisoner who's always ready to fight? Cell U.Roid. We're seeing two hyphens here. We're seeing Cell U.Roid. So the U and the roid are separate things here. Oh, yeah, true. We have Cellulator, obviously, cell calculator. Cell and DER, sell calendar.

Cell Burt. Don't even need to go any. deeper into that one. Yeah, that one's obvious. But sell you, Royd. So obviously the Royd is maybe an android, which is created for war. And the EU could mean I'm fighting you. Oh, it could mean I'm fighting you.

I think that's what it means. Maybe a U-Haul. Right. But what is the utility? Utility. Utility. Oh, okay. You are in jail. Yep. Unfree. The opposite of free. Here's some lighthearted

prison-related gags that are not intended to harm or offend anyone, share the jokes with any of your relatives or friends in jail. Why did the prisoner refuse to eat his meal? He said it was a con artist, confectionery artist. Yep, the meal was. And it's funny you mentioned confectionary because we're going to be seeing a lot of confectionaries in the future of these jokes. Really? So just kind of keep that in your in your mind. In my mouth? In your brine? Your mouth or your brine? Your mouth or your brine? Yeah. Okay.

Why did the burglar take a shower after breaking into the house? He wanted to wash away his convictions. That's pretty, that's pretty straight forward. Cutting dry or should I say, wet and dry. Oh, wet and wet and dry. Soap and wet. Yeah. Soap and wetter.

Sooped and wetter. Wished myself with soap and wetter. Oh. Wished myself clean. Oh, yeah. Sound like you're from Wisconsin. I wish myself clean. A little more Australian.

Wished myself clean. Wished my shield clean. Give me another joke. Yeah, let's see this one. Why didn't prisoners use social media? Kind of slipped into Rodney for a second. Sure. I couldn't.

Why didn't prisoners use social media? They prefer cellular communication. Do we have that? Oh, yeah, we do completely have that. I should have been doing this every time. Yeah, I should have been doing the whole thing. Oh, God, I'm slipping. Sorry, guys.

Jail has kind of put me in a bit of a tizzy. Yeah, and it made me a lot more orange with my clothes. My fashion changed when I moved to jail. Now, what's this next joke here? Why did the prisoner keep sneezing? He was allergic to cellmates. That would really be a problem. It would be tough.

It could be dangerous if it was a serious allergy. It would be really dangerous. It wouldn't be able to keep you in jail. No, they'd have to let you free. Legally, yeah. Or they could put you in solitary, I guess. Cellmates. Selmaties.

Selmatees. Oh, fuck. This one's tough, man. Selmate. Cellophane. Latex. Oh, you could be allergic to plat. Yeah, some kind of plastic.

Cellmate. Selmaid. Seal me, seal, me, seal, me, seal, me, seal, me, seal, me, seal, seaman, seamen, semen. Seaman. You can't be allergic to semen. Sneezing on semen? Who? I know a guy who is.

Who? I know a guy who's allergic to semen. How did you find out? Um, it's from a doctor. Oh. A doctor. I was saying. A doctor jizz on his face. Jizzed on me.

And, yeah, I was saying... Well, you're allergic. I was saying it's a guy I know. I don't like that. You must be allergic. Let me just put this in this... I was saying it was a guy, I know. I was saying he was a guy I know

because I didn't want to embarrass myself. Oh, but you went to the doctor. He jizzed on your face and found out that you were allergic. I'm allergic to semen. My penis always swells up when semen is near. Yes. I've seen this happen. It turns red and bumpy.

Yep. You should put that in the joke thing. Bumpy. Yeah, like an allergy. Because the palpules on the head. It looks like a dog's tongue. Yeah. The penile palpules make it look like a citrus fruit.

They're like minuscule mushrooms. Does it make... Just as much psychedelic effect on me? People get penile penis cancer pretty much every day. Does this make your penis bigger? No. It makes it bigger in the way that a branch of a tree would get bigger and get a separate part of it that's going off in a different direction.

You get two fractalized. Wait, two motherfucking dongs. Yeah. Swag. Think about a Y shape. Think about why my wife and my other wife. Uh-huh. And my wife's a butt.

Yeah. Think about why did I not get penile cancer before? Why did that? Why is it that? Hey, baby, suck my prong. Why is it that there's a, this is always bothered me in that foster home for imaginary friends porn that I've talked about so many times. Uh-huh.

I know the one. Yeah, they draw blue with two dicks. I think that makes sense. He's imaginary. He's stocked on top of each other. He's imaginary. He can have anything you want. But when I was a kid, I thought that the second one was his ball and he was putting his balls into Frankie.

But it wasn't. You've been thinking about this. You've been thinking about this a lot. But I think he actually doesn't have a ball sack in that short film. So he really logically he is a ball sack and he has two dicks. Or he's a dick and those are his two balls. Just something I've been thinking of in my prison. I'll go ahead and read the next one here.

Okay. Why did the prison guard refuse to eat the prisoner's cooking? He said it was a confection. Oh, okay. This one actually makes sense. Like, you gave it like a confession. Uh-huh. Right.

I won't eat a confession. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Well, that's not actually, that's just kind of a thing that you do. Yeah, what this joke should have said is he said it was a confection and what he meant was confession. And he was confused. and thought the food was a confusion. He said confection because he had confusion.

And he meant confection. Yeah, it should say, this is the real version of the joke. Yeah, let's punch this up. Why did the prison guard refuse to eat the prisoners cooking? Well, he misspoke, and he said it was a confection. But he meant confession. And the guard thought it was a confession. And he had confusion.

He thought it was alphabet soup. Yeah. That's why he thought it was a confession. Because the guard thought that it was a confession. Confession. And by the way, guards hate confessions. They won't eat them. They won't even go near them.

They won't go near them. You say confession, they turn around, they walk the other way. All right. Next one here. If you have not found the best joke yet, you may want to check these funniest jail jokes below that are hilarious. They include. What a great way. They include.

And then right into it. Why did the cookie go to jail? Because it was caught stealing all the chocolate chips. This is a really good joke to send to somebody in jail. This is funny because I said this to the... This is probably the best one so far. I said this to the warden, and then that happened in the photo. It beat you up.

You beat the shit out of me. It does make sense because what are chocolate chips to a cookie? Y'all, they're jewelry. Jewelry. And what do people steal all the time? I was going to say their body parts, but a body part that you could have a variable amount of, like, a finger, but more... If there are more people with six or four fingers around. They're jewelry.

Yeah, it's more of a jewel. They're adorned on top of a cookie. They're not really a part of it. So it's like, it's like, yeah. So people steal jewelry all the time. Right, and that's why I went to jail. It's just the fact. A chip would, or a cookie would definitely steal a chocolate chip.

All right, what's this next one here? Take this one. What do you call a potato in jail? A French fry. That's a bit. A French fry. A French fry. bit insensitive electric chair joke i don't know if i like that one yeah and also it's kind of

stereotyping the french as um french fries as fries as food fries as food yeah which uh doesn't make any sense doesn't sit well with me and french fries don't sit well with me either when i eat them they give me heartburn yeah seed oil the salt the seed oils and so glad they don't have any seed oil in prison oh well that's because everything is cooked in a hundred percent beef tallow yeah or maybe it's Maybe it's some other animal, but it's some kind of tallow. Somebody's tallow. I heard that it was questing beast from Arthurian legend. Oh, wow.

That's an animal that they keep on, that only the canes can hunt. Oh, it's not beef towel. It's beast tallow. I don't care what kind of tall it is as long as the taxpayers paid for it. Hey, don't forget to bring your towel. Because by the way, you guys. That's what I would say if I was high as fucking I wanted to eat some fried food. Again, this is a word confusion that you're doing, though.

I'm doing a word confusion. All right. And by the way, guys, we are, if you're worried about, yes, we are welfare queens essentially. Oh, yeah. Everybody in prison is essentially a welfare queen. We're living off your dollar. All right. I got another lightning round coming up here for us.

Why did the pencil go to jail? Because it was a little sketchy. Yeah, hit that after every single one. It was too tired. Too tired. Do you go to jail for being tired? That was one of my things. That was one of the things I went to jail for.

Look at some of the other ones here. On some of the other reasons. Why did the smartphone go to jail? It couldn't control its appetite. Oh, it ate a woman. What do you call a bear in jail? A gummy bear. Oh, because of the blowjobs.

What did the scarecrow go to? Why did the scarecrow go to jail? Because it was outstanding in its field. You can go to jail for being too good at your jail. What do you call a fish in jail? A jailing fish. That's a jammy fish. What did the coffee?

Why did the coffee go to jail? It got mugged. It's illegal to be mugged. It's illegal. It's illegal to be mugged. Why did the lion go to jail? Because it roared too loud. What do you call a snake in jail?

A hysterical prisoner. He's funny. Why did the tomato go to jail? Because it was charged with saucery. You can get saucery. Like sorcery. Yeah, Sorcery is a very, very, very, very.

That's one, okay. That's what we would never do. What do you call a dog in jail? A cell phone. Wait, what? And why did the sun go to jail? It was too hot to handle. You can go to jail.

What do you call a dog in jail? in jail a cell phone. What do we think about that? So let's go over this. Like Buh, cell Buh. Because, okay, wait, it's a dog trying to say bone. A cell phone? Yeah, a cell.

Like a blue tubs. A cell bone. A cell bone would have made more sense. Yeah. What do you call a dog's toy in jail? What do you call a dog? Maybe dog stands for something like

device of geolocation. Oh, why would because a phone has a GPS? Oh, yeah, yeah, okay, that makes sense. A device on board, it has GPS. Yeah. All right, let's go forward here.

Yeah. Jokes about inmates or any group of people can be, what happens if you click on people, I wonder, because that is a hyperlink. That was mostly ads. I clicked on all these. Can be insensitive and inappropriate, even if not intended to be offensive.

Okay, so now we're getting into dark humor. This is my territory. Therefore, we must be. mindful of their potential impact even as we share them. Number one, why did the prisoner, this is a dark joke why did the prisoner break out as harmonica? He

wanted to get out on a good note. Does it mean go out? Go out on a good note? This is the dark humor. Oh, like maybe he passed away. Yeah. Yeah. He was killed in a stabbing. Well, I just don't know and there's no way to tell. Yeah. All right. Why did the inmate refuse to watch the prison documentary?

He didn't want to be a connoisseur of crime. He didn't want to be a connoisseur of crime. Why did the prisoner get mad when he saw his reflection in the mirror? He was doing hard time. Got a boner. Yeah. He was jacking off at the mirror. Here's another one.

Why did the prisoner refuse to take a bath? He was afraid of getting soap on a rope. He's afraid of being tied up in the soap. He was afraid of getting soap on a rope. Yeah, he didn't want to get soap on a rope in prison. He would rather not have soap on a rope. They have it in prison. They have it in prison so you don't drop it.

Oh. But he wanted to drop it. And he also was refusing to take a bath. He was refusing to take a bath. This is not about a shower. This is about a bath. Yeah. So it's also not as much of a problem when you drop the soap.

We do have jacuzzi bats in prison that are shaped like hearts from the Sims. We have whirlpool jacuzis that are so powerful that people have been getting neck and back injuries from getting swirled around in the water. And then they come and they massage me. Yeah. They say, let's make this better. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I need a massage, but they're saying they need to give a massage because it relaxes them. Yeah. Prison is the worst place you can ever dream of. Lie. Common misconception, but whatever. Therefore, you should always stay out of trouble.

These jokes are the best for someone unfortunately in jail. Why did the prisoner refuse to eat the snake in jail. He was afraid of being grilled by the warden. I was grilled by the warden a few times. So he's afraid that my food was grilled by the warden. He was personally making it for me. He put me on a foreman.

He put my foot in a foreman and said, you Michael Scott now. He called me Dunder Mifflin for weeks. This all makes sense. This joke makes sense. If you think about a simple, I think it's from the Bible. Yeah. You are what you eat.

Right. Exactly. That makes perfect sense if he was a steak. Yeah. So he's saying you are what you eat. You eat a steak. You become a steak.

And then all of a sudden, and by the way, to a warden, these guys are hungry. You walk around and you're a, you know, five foot 11 steak walking through his halls.

He's going to eat you. Yeah. He's going to grill you and eat you. Exactly. It's dangerous. What do you call a bear in jail? A prisoner of bear because if you're a bear in jail you're probably in a prison made for and run by bears

oh this is making some sense to me this is now recently supposes a world where bears run and are in prisons yeah because why would a human put a bear in prison that's just a zoo yeah yeah doesn't make much sense now it does it oh oh what do you call it bear in a zoo a zoo bear Wait, no, that wasn't I was just guessing. I mean, I guess I maybe wrote a joke. I don't know. That was a good joke. Oh, thank you, man. What's this next one here? Just a couple left here. Okay. Why do

prisoners wear stripes in jail? Fact check. We don't always. We don't always. It's actually against the dress code. Let's try not to fact check in the middle of jokes. I don't know you guys went fucking on me. Sorry about that. Okay. Why do prisoners wear stripes in jail? So they can earn

their fashion stripes. Well, you already have them, according to this joke. But these aren't fashion. But again, you can't. Maybe we haven't earned our stripes yet. But there's a lot. The dress code is pretty strict. You can't have a skirt that's above your fingertips.

You can only have a baseball hat if it's backwards. Yeah. Yeah, you can't. No big white t-shirts. Only sunglasses you can have if they're cool. You can't sag because apparently that means something else. Secretly, we are gay. Yeah.

Well, that's, you can't swaggy. You can't swag your pants. You can't sag your pants. secretly am gay is what I'm gay is what sag stands for guy in honestly

speaking about I mean yeah and these guys are speaking about speaking about that's what I'm saying speaking of guys

who are belong in prison the writers or the the sactors what sag sectors screen and

actors guild and secretly are gay oh huh all right this next one why do Inmates love playing soccer in jail.

It's the only way they can score. Now, that's not true. Yeah, that's not true. I get, um... Yeah, next joke, though. Yeah, next one. So that was actually the last joke, but I have here a few other things.

This is at the bottom of this list. Okay. Um, so maybe you can read this out. This is actually pretty interesting. It's more of a fact. So I'll play a different sound effect after it. What are some slang words for prison? What is the slang for a jail sale?

Here are some of the popular ones. So there's three here. Number one. The big house. The joint. And the slammer. Wow. I mean, I just call it home.

Me too. Yeah. And then I have one last thing. Before I found these jokes, I was looking for other prison stuff. And I was looking for more Q. I was looking at Q&A like we did for that evil one. And there was only one good Q&A question, but I wanted to throw it in just as a bonus at the end because I did really like it.

But there wasn't enough other stuff for it to. makes sense to do a Q&A one, but here's a question and answer someone has about prison. Will my flatulence bother my cellmate? And here's the answer. Yes. If your fart stinks, you'll likely get what they call rolled out. And that's a bad

thing. Go sit on the toilet, fart, and flush. The suction from the water flow should help with the smell. They want you to flush the fart. You should get rolled out. If it's between flushing my fart and getting rolled the fuck out, I'm flushing the fart. I just

didn't realize that that was prison etiquette, but I guess I will start. I thought you just had to light a match. We get matches, by the way. We get matches. We also get those lighters that you used to light candles, the long neck ones. Yeah, we get those. We get those for our cigarettes. We get Zippos, too, and the good ones. We get the cool ones that skulls on

them. Yeah, the ones you get in a glass case in the Midwest at a gas station. And guess who's paying for them? Joe Biden. Joe Biden, Mitt Romney, all through your pockets. So guys, go out and vote. Vote for whoever. is going to uh vote for me vote for as he's going to be

most likely to be most attractive of the prison yes in the couple years once i get my act again and they're letting us do our stand-up dates they're letting us we're going to be wheeled out like hannibal lector on all the shows it's it's technically a conjugal visit yeah uh but uh yeah uh tomorrow and through the weekend i'm going to be in washington dc appearing as a hologram um with uh mr adam friedland and it was actually in here too he's actually in here for being a gay bug

and I'm and yep yeah so it's the life and I am going to be also I'm not going to be a hologram

I'm just sending a guy that looks like me MF Doom style to do that yeah but nobody looks like me Yeah, that's the problem. There's a lot of guys look like me. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh and in Baltimore opening for Girl God on their, their tickets are on their website at GirlGod.co, I think. I don't know.

I'm fucking, girl god the website. Just Google. Just Google, you fucking idiot. And I mean, speaking of holograms and guys who look like each of us, my wife does not know that. I am in prison, so don't tell her. Do not tell her. And if you want to help us buy more cigarettes and hopefully some bubble tape, go check out the Patreon. Mm-hmm.

I love bubble tape. Well, with the bubble tape where I'm hoping to make a saw out of bubble tape and saw my way out of this world. I have been, again, bubble tape is something I was addicted to on the outside, and it's been pretty, it's been pretty hard on the inside. My guy is itching because he keeps trying to put it in the wrong way. He's trying to put it in. I can't smuggle bubble taping because I get too excited. He starts chewing it with his butt when he's smuggling it. And then you don't even get to enjoy it.

Now it's just your butt getting all the fun. Yeah, my butt's getting so much fun in prison. I'm at war with my butt over who can get more fun. My butt or my mouth. Why do you care? You're not your mouth. I am my mouth. You, oh.

If my face, if my butt gets more fun than my face in a week, I literally try to kill myself. Yeah, that makes sense. Or at least chop the bottom off. Yeah. ever see those guys with no... I try to turn into a Diablo 3 enemy where I crawl around with my intestines

coming out of the bottom. Did you see that video recently that was the guy with no bottom half and he was doing boxing? No. There was a video of this guy doing boxing

and I was sitting there and I was like this guy is living the dream. No butt. No butt. Never have to worry about wiping. Walking around

with the show and the only thing. He's never had swamp ass. He has swamp bottom. That's the only thing I think that is horrible about books. I bet maybe,

I bet dare devil style his body makes up for it and his belly button smells really bad. He also doesn't have to worry about pants. It's hard to buy men's pants. He's just a shirt guy. I hate buying pants. Me too, but I wonder if there's whitey tides. Okay, we'll see you guys on Saturday for National Dog Day.

And then next week and then next week and then next week for about 150 years. Bye. I think somebody's selling drugs. outside of my apartment yeah I saw an old old man and a young young man sitting on the bench right outside my apartment there's a bench right out there could be father and son but a third man of an age in between the two men came by and sat down and the young man reached into a plastic grocery bag brought something out and slid it very slyly breaking bad was it drugs I have to assume it was drugs or a rare baseball card it could be a rare

baseball card. And they looked at me and I broke eye contact and then I've been scared for two days or they're going to try to kill me. No. Because I know. They don't know that you know. I mean, I was walking around weird. I was acting really weird. Yeah, you had your, like you had a huge paper.

Here's how here. Let me go. Let me rewind time for you. Here's how you should have handled that. Okay. You see him slipping the thing into his bag. You in your brain, you know you've just seen a drug deal. Maybe you're going to get killed for knowing what's going on here. Here's what you say. They're evil. You look at these guys on the Here's what you say.

Geez, you guys are always sitting here doing completely nothing. Why don't you find a hobby? You're not even doing anything. You're just sitting there. Get a job, you lazy bones. You haven't even moved in the past 10 minutes. You've been sitting completely still there doing nothing. You've been sitting here for hours talking to your friends, giving them gifts.

Stop loitering. No, no, no, no, no. So now you're going to do. That's what I'm saying. Doing completely nothing. Yeah, you should say, why don't you take up a hobby like drug dealing or something? I wish you guys would sell fucking drugs because at least I could buy some. Yeah, they know that you don't know that they're doing anything.

That's how you repair the thing is like, I would, if you're selling drugs, I would like some. Right. I think you're not dealing drugs, so you shouldn't kill me. But if you were, it would be okay with me. That's what I was wondering. Is it better if they think that I'm a police officer because I kind of have a police officer's head and build? Or is it better if they think that I'm just a wasteoid? Yeah, because who are they less likely to kill?

Probably a cop.