Podcast About List - Ep. 256 - War Diary #1

Episode Date: August 30, 2023

On this clasico-style episode, Caleb and Cam discuss their own personal wars and how they fought them. Watch the full video for this episode youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Is that a clap. Did that a clap? Well. A long, an early clap. A very early clap. I am in a war. Me too, actually. Really?

We're both in wars? Yeah, I think your war is cooler than mine, though. Okay, well, then you start with your war, because I want to know. I need tips and tricks on wars now. If your war is what I'm thinking of, I'm not sure my war will help you that much with yours. Okay.

But I've been traumatized. I've been given PTSD. That's the beginning of war. Yeah. Well, it's actually what happens after war. Yeah. Now that I'm realizing it. So maybe my war is over because I don't think you usually get PTSD until afterwards.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. I was at war with the biggest cockroach of all time. Oh, God. Dude. It was so fucking horrible. Yeah. Worst experience of my...

Literally, I'm still... You're shook. I'm having PTSD flashbacks every day to this cockroach. It's... I'm not that, like... I'm not gonna pretend I'm like, brave. Uh-huh. But I'm not that squeamish around bugs.

Yeah. I don't care that much. But this, like, I was... It literally ruined my life. It's so fucking big. It was crawling up the wall. Is that where you saw... Where did you spot this sucker first?

So I did not spot it. This is part of why it was so traumatizing. I was... I was asleep and I was shaken awake at 6.30 a.m. on Sunday because my fiance was getting ready to work and she saw it in the living room and shook me awake and said, I'm sorry to wake you up, but there's the biggest cockroach I've ever seen. It's in the living room. So I got up. I went gigantic crawling up the wall. Probably like fucking huge. I was completely still asleep and like just looking and it was dark in the room. I didn't want to turn the lights on because I didn't want her to run away. So I could only really make out the shape of it. Just like a big, big. black oval going up the wall yeah so I go

it hides behind the curtain of the window it knows how to hide dude this thing was crazy this is literally a full war

this is so insane okay so I get the raid I get a shoe I go I put clothes on to cover my entire every inch of my body

you put on coveralls I was well I came out to look for it and only my underwear and I was like I cannot you can't expose your no no I can't expose

any part of my Yeah, it's going into vats on me. Yeah. So I'm going to start dissing you. I start knocking against the curtain with the shoe. Mm-hmm. Just kind of hitting random spots to see if I can just kill it. Like, you know, get a quick wall bang.

Just lucky. Yeah, yeah. Wall bang. It dropped down onto the floor. It goes into a corner. I go up with the raid. I spray it once with raid. It dashes.

I spray it again. It goes under the couch. Like, it like runs away. I'm like, fuck, dude, it survived the raid. So then I'm like, what do I do? I'm standing guard. There is I have like a railroad apartment. So there's only one way out of my living room.

So I'm standing in that door with the shoe in the right. I'm like, if it tries to get into the rest of the house, I'm going to kill it. Now, I'm just, I'm just thinking, this is going to be my entire day because she's leaving for work. I'm not going to be able to relax. So I'm about to go, we're about to go move the couch out so I can go try and get it again. Right as we're about to move the couch out, I see it going up the wall behind the couch. And I'm like, okay, I'll get it. I'll get, I get the shoe. I get the shoe. It goes up onto the wall.

I hit it once with the shoe. I hear it dropped to the ground, keeps running around. No! I hit it again with the shoe. hear another, it runs back under the couch. So it survived two raid blasts, two shoe hits at this point. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm freaking my entire body. I can't, I literally, I literally,

when I hit it with the shoe, I literally fully might, like, I actually just went, did you think at this point that this was some kind of Native American spirit animal thing? Literally, this is so crazy, man. It affected me so deeply. It shouldn't be surviving this many things. Oh, God. So then I'm like, fuck, how do I get it out from under the couch? I'm not going down on my hands and knees

to try and see where it is. It's going to fly into my face or something. Of course. So this is where I got, I kind of, I got a little crafty. And this is how I, so do you remember,

do you remember that light we had for the old set that we would Velcro up to the top? The tiny, I don't know what it's called, but it's like a studio type light, but it's tiny and it's really, really bright. A little aperture light.

So I have that, yeah, I have that in my house. Okay. So what I do is I give that to, and I, and I put, she puts it on the,

the one end of the couch under it. I've returned it up to the highest setting. And then I'm standing at the other side of the couch. She turns it on. It literally blasts the entire underside of the couch. It's completely lit up. So I could look for, I was hoping to scare it out and then like kill it right there. You know what I mean?

But it doesn't come out. I'm like, fuck. Did you see a shadow of it? Like a long shadow? I did. I wish I did. That would be so good. That would have been really scary.

It's smoking a cigarette. So then I go down on my hands and knees. And I'm like, okay, I have to get my face down here. I look down one side of the couch. I don't see anything. I crawl over to the other side. I look down. I see it and get this, it's on its back and it's convulsing.

So somehow it had, somehow I had some kind of delayed damage to it with either the raid or the shoe where it survived long enough to take more damage and then go under the couch and then it was stunned like a mortal combat, like finish him. Were you scared because you already knew this was one tricky cockroach? I literally it's, I was so fucking scared. So we pull the couch out. I'm like, go, go, go, pull the couch out. So I pull it out really fast. I spray it with more raid. It's literally still twitching around.

while I'm killing it. I go, I get a trash bag. I get trash bags to put over my hands like gloves. Yeah. Because our paper towels are too thin. I'm like, I'm not fucking, so then I pick it up with paper towel and trash bag hand.

And I'm so, my body is reacting to it with so much disgust and fear that I'm squeezing my fist so tight just because I'm just like, and I can just feel it like being crushed to dust in my hand. I go to flush it down the toilet and I open my hand to drop it. Like I can, I'm literally like bit like my finger. I can't.

pry my finger. I'm so fucking because I'm like, I was asleep like five minutes ago. And now you were throwing into battle. Yeah, I'm completely, and I open my hand and I like can't control opening my hand and when I do, first of all the cockroach falls out and it's like all its legs are falling

up because I squeezed it so hard. But then I dropped the paper towel into the toilet because and I have to reach into the toilet next to the cockroach to get the paper towel out. Just flush the fucking paper towel. But here's my nightmare scenario is I go to flush the paper towel. It clogs the toilet and then I have a clogged cockroach toilet. And then the cockroach wakes back up. Yeah, exactly. I fully was believing that

could happen. Yeah, I kind of was expecting him to come back to life again. I literally think you probably did in the sewer. He's probably like crawling. He got flushed out somewhere on rock away, just like right into the ocean. And right now he's just crawling with his last two legs towards your house just so slowly. Just up the beach. It was so coming for you. Horrible. I know it is. It's fucking coming for you. I also, that's the thing. I told. tormented this creature. You just did them. You did as much as you can to something without killing it.

I literally, yeah. Why do so many things get sprayed with raid? This is why I don't, I don't keep raid in my house because it's bad for you. It's really bad for you. But you spray raid on a bug. They never die.

They run around. They get it every other surface in your house. Yeah. You might as well just be spraying raid. I never had raid in my life. That was something that my fiancee brought into my life. I never had that in my house ever. Why do women,

why are women not concerned about, stuff that gives you cancer like that. They just don't care. My wife sleeps with her phone under her head. Literally under her head. Like, no, not under the pillow. She sleeps on her phone.

Uh-huh. And I'm like, because she doesn't like headphones and she wants to listen to a podcast. Right. So it's like bone conducting. Yeah. So I tell her every single night, you're going to get a

giant Jimmy Neutron head and you're going to, And it's going to be because you're going to have the biggest brain tumor of all time. Yeah. And she's like, nah. They just don't care at all. No. Yeah, I...

This is all the only thing I care about is avoiding cancerous diseases. Yeah. I don't like Rade very much. I don't like the way it smells or tastes. The way it feels between my fingers. It doesn't seem very good. Spraying my hand with Rade and then grabbing the... Well, I'm going to be honest, your war is much, much more interesting than my war.

You really, you really undersold. My war, and here's why. My war's just beginning. Yeah. Yeah. My war is just beginning. I would like to issue a warning to an unnamed waste management company. Okay, so this is dangerous.

You know a waste management company means. Have you ever watched TV? Oh, you think they might be the mafia monsters? I don't give a fuck. We paid this waste management company for, or we didn't pay them actually. never paid it's part of the issue i guess but they said we were going to pick up your your waste we're going to manage your waste i don't care what they do with it i said all right buddy i'll sign this contract one year of waste management yeah that seems like a great deal one

seems amazing yeah a whole year what just a little money let's do it yeah if all this is going to cost me is money then i'm why wouldn't what the fuck am i doing not paying and i'll get in trouble if i don't get my trash picked up yeah no of course i'm going to sign this manage this i sign it one week goes by no trash pickup i text the guy you know what jack the garbage man so he's in my phone has it's the only don't know his last name that's what he says when he answers the phone we didn't get a pickup last night he says well sorry about that we'll try again tonight i guess they tried again unsuccessful unsuccessful couldn't figure it out couldn't hack it nope you know this happens 17 more times maybe yeah 17 more times to the point where i just stopped texting

him and I don't pay the bill and I've texted them every single time eventually I just stop I don't pay the bill they send me a collections notice for $450 for paying for trash that they've never picked up a single fucking time you know to play devil's advocate here it can be tough to tell that there's actually a trash bag inside the trash can that you might assume that the trash can is empty is completely empty when yeah when when it's been your boss is telling you to pick up 500 times maybe that's maybe that's our stuff that we left there that wasn't garbage that we were hoping to use the next morning. So I sent an email in response to the collections thing last week.

I said, hey, I'd like to cancel this. I'll pay a cancellation fee if I have to. I don't give a fuck. I just never want to talk to you people ever again. I have a different garbage collection company now. Yeah, we're with a different guy now. And he's really strong. And he's, he is really amazing.

He does it for half the price. He picks it. He picked it up the first time or the second time. The second time. He missed it the first time. He missed it the first time. But we gave him one, right? Yeah, you got one.

As long as he's better than the last guy. So the guy, they don't respond to my email. Then they sent me another collection's email yesterday. So I text the guy. I text Jack. I say, hey, I don't want to do this anymore. I can't, Jack, I can't do this anymore. Right.

You've disappointed me too many times. I don't want this. He calls me. And boy, we went at it. Really? I started off, little passive aggressive. Hey, Caleb, it's Jack, the garbage man. Yeah, you know.

I'm just, I'm on vacation and I just didn't, you know, I'm taking time to call you because it seems so crazy, right? Yeah. By the end, Jack, I've read your fucking Google reviews. You do this to everybody. We're screaming at each other. Uh-huh. It was a huge blow.

So I would like to say, this war is on. Yeah. And you want to be careful when you let your guys out on this neighborhood on the block, because we'll pull up with an army of five strong. And we'll start. We won't fight. We'll sing in sync to you guys. And you won't get hurt, but maybe...

What do you think you're going to do? Take us to small claims court? We're already in jail. Yeah. What the hell are you talking? Yeah, we're in jail. Why am I paying for garbage collection anyway? That's the real question.

But these guys are going to jail. I honestly think if anybody does small claims representation in New York City, I think that we might have a class action. I've looked into these guys. I think we might have a class action lawsuit. And I bet nothing we've said just now

in the past five minutes would damage any of it. What? Assam I'm going to go to war? Chop his legs off? That's not illegal? No, I won't chop his legs off. That's too good for him. His legs might be a little too short. Yeah, that, yeah, exactly. I couldn't even reach him. Might not make it much of a bit. Bend over. I'd hurt my back.

I've actually never met the guy. That's the other thing. The new garbage guy. I met him the first day. He came into the office. Let me guess. He shook your hand. He shook my hand. He came to the office. The office. The office looked like fucking shit. I mean, it was the worst that you ever looked and he looked around. He said, this place is great.

And I was like, that's what I want. I want a liar. That's what I like to work with. I like working with a liar. A really nice liar. When the garbage man shakes your hand and he goes, oh, sorry, it smells like garbage. I'm a garbage man.

He didn't smell like garbage. He smelled amazing. Yeah. You have to put in a lot of work in order to smell good as a garbage man. have to do the most. That means you are doing the most. Yeah. But anyway, that's the beginning of my war. I'm going to keep you guys updated with some kind of war journal, war stories. Yeah. Maybe there will eventually be probably a documentary about this war on HBO Max, but... I wouldn't be surprised. They do documentaries about everything nowadays. They do a documentary about

a guy walking around New York City. Is that true? Yeah. What's it called? How to with John Wilson. It's literally just about a guy who can walk around. Why would it... And it's, and it's, and it's it's informational or it's just it's pretty random. I would say it's half and half. Informational and random. Some things are just kind of whatever.

But some stuff is actually, there's some good info in there. I learned about scaffolding. I'm really, that episode of John Wilson made me so scared of things falling off of buildings when I walk in Manhattan. I walk through Manhattan looking. Well, that's not going to save you. All that's going to do is add a little fear.

Oh, like, I can't move. I don't think you can move. I think you'll be. frozen like a deer in the headlights of a car falling from the sky. No, no, no, no. I am no, Cameron with a, with a water bug on the wall. No, no, no, no. I'm a doer.

I'm an actor. Hey, I was a doer. I did not give up. You did not give up. I'm proud of you for that. I didn't, I didn't even, you know what? I was on my station. I did not even leave that post for even a second.

I said, can you go get my phone so I can use the phone flashlight. Did you make your fiancé be a little drummer boy? Next time you, next time you have a war. I let her completely. pretend the situation was not even happening as soon as I saw it crawl back out I said leave go out of here this is very reminiscent of my mice

experience yeah what I'm hoping is that this is a one time thing because if there's another one of those types of things I don't think I can hack it I really luckily bugs are usually lone wolves yeah they travel they travel by themselves they don't they usually have I also when they reproduce they usually have

one baby at a time and they raise it for about 9 to 10 years before they move on yeah so as long as you wipe out two of them You're pretty much fine. Yeah, yeah. So there might be one more, but who knows? Yeah. But truly I've been having bug dreams.

Really? And I've been so on edge. It's actually, like, ruined my life. Do you like bugs? Normally, you do like bugs, right? I mean, I don't like a bug in my house. But you're not afraid, like, you're not skittish around bugs like I am. I'm skittish.

I'll say, I'm skittish around, like, bees. I don't like bees very much. I don't like stuff that can sting. I somehow lost my fear of bees yesterday. Yesterday? Yesterday, bee was on my head, and I, my wife said, there's a bee on your head, and I said, I don't care. Well, that's because you couldn't see it.

Is that why? I could feel it, though. And it didn't sting me. And I realized that it was pure fear, man. I thought you were a beehive. It did not think I was, I was trying to make a beehive hairdo on my head with all its other bee friends, but it didn't happen. Yeah, I don't know. This, I, like, really felt it in my body this time.

It really, I think I maybe developed a fear of bugs. I was, like, actually making involunt. Like, I was literally going, I, like, not, I'm not even kidding. I was, it was crazy, man. Do you think you gave your fiancé the ick? No, I gave her the opposite. I was strong and I handled business. She pulled you back into the bedroom right after.

You're covered in garbage bags and paper towels. You smell like raid. Sweat, covered in sweat. I forgot about this part of it too. I literally, I was so, it was like, I haven't been sleeping very well, so I was also like so tired. And I was like, okay, I think I should probably try to go back to bed, but I, like, lay down and I couldn't even, like, close my eyes.

I was still, like, kind of just, like, thrumming with nervous energy. And so I, and so she already went to work. I'm just alone in the house. And I just got up and I went out and I just went and had Dominican breakfast by myself in a restaurant. Really early in the morning. And it was so nice. A solo breakfast? Yeah.

I haven't had a solo breakfast. I haven't had a solo, like, sit-down meal a long time. Yeah, full sit-down breakfast. Yeah. Talking to a waiter and shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, waiters are the first person you see that day. Nobody else in the restaurant.

Just me and my coffee, my eggs, my sausage, my salami, my cheese. You got the pancakes. That is gulp-as. Yeah, it was so good. And the pancakes. I couldn't even eat the pancakes. There was too much food. Yeah, it's too much.

They always give you too much food. It's like $4. But I was just sitting there looking out the window thinking, God, look at the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Sunday morning, everyone's off to church or some kind of bad job from after their Saturday. day party. Yeah. But look at me.

Suckers. But look at me. Nobody eating breakfast like this. No, no, no. Nobody even breakfast like me. Oh, I killed a bug. Yeah, and I'd like a discount. I killed a bug this morning.

If I smell weird, it's because I killed a bug. If I smell weird, it's bravery wafting off of my, my thin white body. Yeah. And you know that I went to the bathroom in that restaurant. And you know the type of bathroom they have in a restaurant like that where it's small and you think there might be a bug in there. I think I know the exact bathroom that you're talking about. Yeah, I didn't go to the one that will place that you're thinking of.

I went to a new place. It was okay. It was also one of those places where they have a taxi dispatch inside it. So a guy's on the phone the entire time while you're going, okay, you have to go here. Okay, no, you're getting this call. Go here. And he's on a computer and a phone and it's in the middle of the restaurant.

He has a full, like, desk. And he's just talking the entire time. And he was also the waiter. But you got scared. of the bathroom because it was brown and maybe a bug could blend in. Yeah, that was the first incidents of my bug PTSD.

I wonder if I'm going to have trash PTSD after my war and start getting scared of cans and stuff. I've had trash PTSD just because of that guy not picking it up. Every trash day coming by. He already gave me PTSD. Yeah. Walking around the corner, thinking is that can going to be empty or full? Don't, I mean, I might go to jail for real

from what I'd... No. No, I'm not going to hurt anybody. But I am going to scream at this guy's at this guy's phone a couple more times. And probably end up, they're probably going to win. I signed a contract. Of course, yeah. Probably going to win. What do we going to do?

What are we going to do? Hire a lawyer for money? It's really not. It's like, I mean, it's a year contract. The thing is, I'd be, I'd be happy to do it if they said like. Are they charging you the full year for breaking it? No, I haven't broken the car. I mean, they cancel.

What I'm said, what my argument that I'm telling this guy on the phone is, you didn't fulfill the terms. Never, yeah. I feel like we could win. You never have picked up the garbage a single time. I have, I told them I have security footage of our cans sitting there for four days straight, never getting picked up a single time. Yeah. There's no, you don't have, you never did anything.

Yeah. No, yeah, you know, we could win this. Can you imagine how incredible it would be if we took him to small claims court and they let us film it? That would be good. That would be really good. That would be pretty good. Yeah. I would love to get deposed.

Yeah. I've always wanted to get deposed, man. I would do the full little Wayne thing. Uh-huh. Even if it was my own lawyers asking me questions. Yeah. Just be like, excuse me? What was that?

Like, ask me a question they would ask in a deposition. I don't even know what they would ask. Ask me just about my life. What was your life like? It's getting asked that in court. So remember, you're under oath. What was your life like? it was all right

yeah completely out out of it disinterested yeah yeah little way he did a he did a deposition where they're like

they like he's like correcting their grammar and shit like never asked never answers a single question oh that's great yeah which I think is the move pull a Zuckerberg

I would not pull a Zuckerberg I don't think actually I'm probably I'm too polite I would be over emotional this was the first time I ever yelled I'd be crying

this is the first time I've ever had a a disagreement with a guy at a who works somewhere where I was like I was like no it's okay

just I'll pay whatever and ruin my life that's how I usually am because I feel bad that somebody has to have a job yeah and this time I really was like I'm coming for you

yeah no he deserves it yeah this is it's not over it hasn't even begun it's far from it's far from beginning it's far from beginning it's far my friend this is far from even beginning It's far from beginning.

This, this will be... This is the prolog. They're cutting this out of the movie. And you might be scared. You might be scared for me or for them. Because this prank war... Yeah. The only thing that you...

The only kind of company you want to be in a prank war with less than a garbage company... Right. Which has unlimited garbage at their disposal. It's a comedy entertainment online video YouTube company. Is a group of comedians, buddy. Because we're going to think of stuff that you're little... numb nuts little brain could never think of man. Yeah. You're what?

Oh, you're going to put garbage in my can? That's where it goes. That is not a prank. That, I don't give a fuck. Put as much garbage in there as you want. The other guy's picking it up now. I think we could actually completely sell the rights to this story to either maybe David Fincher,

maybe Scorsese would touch it. But I think maybe we could sell it to Scorsese and we could say like, oh, we could maybe sell him a fake story where we give him all this lead up and then we add the detail that the waste management company did turn out to be the mafia. Oh yeah.

That would be a good movie for him to make. That would be pretty good. His normal guys. To the modern world and make a movie where the main characters are podcasters? They should make a... Is there a movie that's about just like a guy

who has to just like... Who has to battle the mafia just by himself? I feel like probably. But he's not like... Yeah, he's not even anything. He's not like a cop. I'm sure somebody will comment what it is. I'm sure there is one.

Just like a dude. That's always the best part of the sopranos is whenever it's like a non... like the screenwriter guy or the guy who's addicted to gambling. That's always the best. The problem is they don't take them serious enough. Yeah.

When they're like, oh, whatever. You're like, what are you going to do? Kill me? Yeah. So sick. Every single time. I would love to be in that situation and not get killed.

The thing is, if I was dealing with these fucking guys, I just, like, if the episode where, what's his name, what is the young guy's name? Anthony Jr. No, the guy in the middle of the ages. Meadow. The guy in the middle of the ages under Tony, Tony's cousin, or uncle's son or whatever.

Tony's chair. When Tony's chair goes into the pizza place and gets all mad because the guy's disrespecting him and shoots him in the foot. Yeah. Why does that guy, that guy knows this dude's running. Why don't they own a gun? Yeah. Well, what are you going to do? blow his head off

I don't fucking know that's what I would do if I was this guy I was watching there's only fucking eight guys if you kill every single one of them

do you know that movie Sonatine the like Japanese Yakuza movie no I just watched that the other day and that has another really funny thing

in the beginning where it's like a guy who runs like a I think he runs like a gambling store they call it a den or whatever it is

and he's like the like Yakuza guys are like kind of harassing him to pay them and he's like he's like I'm not gonna pay you what just because you're Yakuza whatever I'll go to the cops and then they just kill

wait it's so funny just yeah every that's the best part of any mob movie is like the guy's like I don't care who do you think you are and it immediately gets fucking killed I am getting shook down man

I really this is this is this guy I never thought about this at all until you said is it garbage men are waste management yeah there are mafia guys yeah and New York and this guy's rich enough he's going on vacation he doesn't use his last name he's in disguise exactly because it's probably italian yeah and he's probably he knows that i would be i would be wise to something

but what he doesn't know is that i'm 17 and a half percent italian and that my grandpa was really part of the irish mafia yeah you better watch out yeah look the fuck out yeah they don't know that my grandpa was had had a deal with an italian mafia wow do you know that no you don't know this about my family. My grandpa, my great-grandpa, used to be rich. Mill, not millions. This was hundreds of, hundreds of dollars, thousands of dollars. Not hundreds of thousands, probably either. He went into business with a couple of guys in New Jersey. He opens a pool club with them in New Jersey. Like a pool, not like billiards. They build a pool. And they start having people come in and they sell food.

Okay. That's a classic mafia plus. Classic Mafia. They love swimming. We're going to have funnel cake. But make sure they have to fucking shower before they get in the pool. It's fucking dirty. They got to shower off before and after the pool. They're going to get covered in chlorine.

I guess the guy, the guy, my great grandpa. I guess he didn't pay something. Yeah. Anyway, they said they were going to kill him. So he just abandoned the whole business, moved to North Carolina. Right. Yeah. And started working, making.

He worked in a steel treatment plant. Got mesothelioma passed away. So you used to be able to do that. You used to be able to just kind of move to another town. But nowadays, the mafia, they got Facebook. They got MySpace. They got Maps. Yeah.

They got MAPs. Google Maps. Is there, is the mafia still going on? I think so. But is there like guys our age who are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be in the fucking mafia. Probably not. I can't imagine there's that many.

It's not the cream of the crop at least. No, yeah. I think it's the same. I mean, not to go back to the surprise. I think it's this thing where it's, yeah, it's just, like, kind of impotent. I don't think it matters that much anymore. But I'm sure that I can't imagine they were just like, oh, let's stop. Oh, whatever, this family, let's get rid of this family.

I mean, not in the family, but, you know, cut your losses at some point. Yeah, I'm sure they're not, I don't think they're doing very much. Rudy Giuliani put all your uncles in jail. Yeah. It's like, what am I going to do? Just to try to do this shit again? Mm-hmm. I don't want to do that.

I want to be a, I want to be on. I would just move to a different city. I want to be on a website. That's what people want to do now. Website? I want to be on a website. I want to build websites. Or no,

they want to be on, you know, like this. We're on a website. Like, they want some kind of website job. Notaryity. Yeah.

Or maybe they say, I want to be a garbage man. Uh-huh. But then they're out there. Yeah. You know what? I'm going clean. I want to be a good old-fashioned garbage man.

I want to do things the right way. I want to work my way to work my way to the top. And this is a private garbage collection company, by the way, which underpays their people because in New York if you're a garbage man you make like a public

like a city garbage man you make like $200,000 a year you make like insane money most of my mansions they're like the top they're one percent that's what most of the Hamptons is that's all these videos

these little kids coming out and hugging the garbage man you'd be spitting in his face creasing his sneakers what the hell are you doing would you walk up to Warren Buffett and shake his hand I do that to every McDonald's worker

I would walk up to Warren Buffett with it and I'd have a pie and I'd be dressed up like a butler. Uh-huh. You're pie, sir. And he'd go, I'd have an order one smash in his face. That's what I would do. So we should be doing that with garbage men because they're millionaires. Yeah, they have had it too easy for too long.

I agree. They get to drive those trucks around. You know who else has had it too easy for too long, man? Who? Politicians. Politicians. I went to Washington, D.C. this past weekend. Yeah, how was that?

With the O'allon. Or what's it? No, Adam Friedland. that would have been probably cooler i think the avon would love us i would love to hang out with him yeah we need to link up yeah i think we should link up with it does anyone know him does anybody have a connect on theo vaughan we don't even want to get him on the podcast like i'd like to take him out to dinner yeah yeah i don't want to i don't want to hitch my truck to that no no he's erratic he's doing his and he's doing his thing man god bless him he's going to take everyone down

with him he's in a different lane than us yeah god i love him i can watch him tell stories for years. Yeah, the first time ever that Instagram has served me just random clips of a comedian or a podcast. And I've actually watched everyone and enjoyed it.

Yeah, they're great. I always get, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to say people's names, but I always, Instagram always for some reason just recommends me a million stand-up reels. Yeah.

I'm always just like, I'm not watching it. What makes you think I'd want to watch this because I only follow stand-up comedians? Is that why? I guess that is why I only get stand-up reals. I just say do not interested, not interested, not interested. Anyway, these politicians have had it too good for too long. I went to Washington, D.C., and I went to the African-American

History Museum. I bet you two had a laugh there. No, no, no, no. I made a very smart choice, which is I decided to, we walk into the history thing, and it's already just so, so depressing and very sad, like from the first second. And I walk. two sections ahead so that me and so that Adam never says anything crazy like it makes some off colored joke where I am in the

vicinity where I have to hear and react to it. I just walked two things ahead and me and him just had two very separate very somber times. Nice. And then at the end we had banana pudding which was actually really nice. The banana pudding is amazing if you go to the after American History Museum. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah it was amazing.

I haven't had a museum food since I was a kid. I love museums. I love museums, too. I love museums, dude. And I love the Smiths. I wish we had gone to more while we were there because the natural history museum, the Smithsonian Natural History is so good, man.

Is that the one we went to? We went to the one with the dinoes. Yeah, we went to that one, yeah. That one's great. The air in space is one of the best ever. I went there as a kid, I think. It's amazing. They have spaceships that are ductated to the ceiling.

Yeah. And you can imagine that you're in. It's a great museum. Have you seen the Titanosaur skeleton they have? or in the... The one here, the natural history here? Yeah. I don't remember if it's a natural history or not.

But it's like on 120 foot long dinosaur. There's a really big one at the natural history one here. Maybe it's that... It goes out of the building. It goes out of the building. It goes out of the room on both... They have like a giant room for it and it goes through the door on those sides.

It's crazy. Yeah. There's so many myths about dinosaurs that I've been learning are being busted in the last 20 years. Dinosaur shit goes crazy. They don't look like, they didn't look like lizards at all. No, they're birds. That's another, that's another thing that I just, like, I think either that Twitter just kind of, like, use some kind of dark magic to learn that I will always click on something about dinosaurs.

I get, I got fully, my, like, Twitter for you page is fully dinosaur Twitter, which is like a community I didn't know existed. It's like, it's like, it's like there's a whole bunch of people and they're all friends with each other and they just post about, like, scientific papers. Do you feel left out when you look at this? I don't understand any of it. It's all like, you see that new paper about the Spinosaurus? I'm looking at this. Where are they seeing these papers? Yeah, I get dinosaur journals every month or something.

Whoa. I don't know. Crazy. I'd like to see a dinosaur's journal. Yeah. They were, I bet they were writing some crazy stuff. Probably about how big I am. Yeah, I'm so big. I'm so misunderstood.

But my bones are light because I'm avian in nature. People will probably think I'm a lizard, but I'm a bird. Well, that's how they discovered the dinosaurs had feathers. They found a velociraptor's journal. And it was like, ugh, forgot to comb my feathers. today. Everyone laughed at me. They said, everyone chirruped at me. Forgot a combing at the nest.

Feathers. Maybe this meant something different back then. Maybe they meant scales. Yeah. They had to have. But it makes so much more sense that they're birds. No, it's so cool. They looked like birds. Yeah.

All the skeletons look exactly like birds. They didn't have beaks, I guess, most of them. I think some of them did, though. Some had beaks. Yeah, I think they were beaked. Man, yeah, it's also, it's so crazy that, do you know, people just didn't care about dinosaurs at all until, like, the 50s? Yes, I do know.

this. It's so nuts. A lot of people, like my family, we knew people growing up who thought that dinosaurs were a distraction from the devil. Yeah. But even beyond that. Or just fake. Even beyond that.

Even in like the science community, like they discovered dinosaurs in like the 1800s or whatever. And people were just like, like it was considered like a fringe scientist. Like it was considered like, oh, you're like a weird. Like this doesn't matter. Why do you care about it? Is it that insane? With a giant fucking bird.

You find bones of like a T-Rex and a mountain and you're like, how can you be like, whatever, man, let's do physics instead. Yeah, it's probably just an older version of a dog. Yeah. Let's invent a new type of blue water. Yeah.

That hydrates you and call it Gatorade. Yeah. Oh, let's invent Gatorade. No, no, no. Leave those bones in the ground. Let's go fuck with all these electrolytes and these dyes for water. Let's make a drink that's too sugary.

Yeah. Oh, I got an idea. Here's the first guy who saw a dinosaur bone. Ready? Huh Dinosaur bones Pretty gay Let's go home

And let's put cocaine and soda That's probably what that guy said Yeah It's so crazy man Because also the one they thought When they Even when people started To get a little more interested

In they thought they were Because they're cold-blooded They thought they're like Big alligator lizard type things So everyone was So all the scientists were like Yeah because dinosaurs Were like alligator

Type monsters or whatever They probably just like an alligator They probably just sat around all day and didn't do anything. And then they just died. So we don't care very much about them. But it turns out they run around. Also, haven't crocodiles been around like since dinosaurs were around? I think they might be older.

That's so scary. But that proves to you that it's that they weren't lizards. Yeah. Because we already, how did these guys survive? Yeah. See, here's the reason why. You know, most of the things that ever lived on Earth are extinct. Yeah, of course.

Crazy. Yeah. So much, you think about, like, you think about a crocodile and you can trace that all the way back. You go, okay, well, there was a crocodile alive 75 million years ago, and it looked like a crocodile, but it was twice as big, and I guess, long legs. That's why I get really scared when you see, when you go to one of these natural history museums and you see the five and a half foot long mosquitoes. Yeah. Or the big ground sloths. Well, yeah, you look at the ground sloths are cool.

Look at a picture of the ground sloth and you're like, okay, well, I can tell what that turned into. That turned into a tree sloth. That turned into my brother. So many animals that you see a picture of and you're reading a dinosaur book or something you see a picture of it. It's like, oh, this just didn't turn into anything. Yeah, this one was, well, there's very... You see a dinosaur and it's like, oh, this looks a little bit like an elephant, but it didn't turn into an elephant.

It just went away. They break away in these awful branches of evolutionary cul-de-sacs where they get to the end and there's nothing left and they just fucking spin around until they die. Yeah. Crazy. It's scary. Because what if that happens to us? You know people are evolving? I heard this.

You know people are evolving? I've heard this, yeah. We're growing larger brains. Brains and hearts for loving. We're getting, we're being, we're getting friends. We're getting, evolutionary. I do think there's too many people where we probably, there's no way that we can all evolve because there's too many people.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Most of us have to, I mean, if we're going to evolve, we're all going to die because that's what evolving happens. But I mean, we're getting, there's so many people being born and so much genetic variance that how can we, how can we even, there's no, like, also we don't really have natural selection like that anymore. Right, because we help out ourselves. Yeah, because the weakest people are, again, the politicians. Right.

And the politicians are self-selecting. Yeah. And they're saying, more weak people, more politicians. More garbage men who can do anything they want. More garbage, you know what? But, you know what? But, you're going to get rid of bodybuilders. Yeah, but body.

Builders need to go. We're going to kill the bodybuilders. They're waving their hands like this. Kill the bodybuilders. We hate the bodybuilders. They're too strong in it. We're putting legislation in the place to get rid of bodybuilders. We don't like bodybuilders.

They're out there trying to outlock self-tanner. Musical rock stars. Yeah, get rid of straight rock stars. Get rid of them. Get rid of them. Oh, David Bowie. He fingered a 15-year-old. Yeah.

They're doing this and trying to get rid of straight rock stars. But let's breed more Olivia Rodriguez. Yeah. Oh, more industry plant. BS, more Greta fan fleet. That's actually so true. Nowadays, natural selection is literally about being in the industry.

Yes. People who don't go into the industry, they starve and they die. They do. People, and then everybody who goes Indo, goes big time, sells out, becomes the president or the king of a country. Which is the ultimate sellout. Yeah. That's why I would never, ever, ever become the president, dude.

No. Because I'd put my hand on that Bible and I'd go, yes, I solemnly swear to sell the fuck out. Yeah, man, if you think about the amount of hate that we get on a motherfucking daily basis, people wouldn't believe it. Multiply by $10 trillion. That's what the president gets every day. But he likes it.

Yeah, you have to like it to get a job like that. Did you watch a Republican debate? No. I would have watched it if Trump was in it, probably. Yeah, I did watch the Trump Tucker thing, though. I watched, I was like, this is guaranteed to be funny. Yeah. The debate is going to be maybe, oh, maybe one guy's funny accidentally because he's like,

oh, I'm so stupid, like a Ben Carson thing. Yeah. But no, it was all just... But everyone was just competent, making good points. Everybody's just, like, so smart, man. And it wasn't even funny. It was just, like, very interesting. Just true, yeah.

Just real shit. You know, I'm just nodding my head along. I want to be laughing. Right. It's like I'm just watching a conversation with me and my friends. Yeah, exactly. We need to lower taxes. Yeah, all of us sitting around wearing red ties.

Sitting in the, you know, those plastic chairs around the fire pit. those white plastic chairs 15 week abortion mandate yep and we go our camp chairs out of my mom's backyard yep and then dude roasting weenies yeah that and then dude nicky haley oh my god who's that she's the south carolina something okay but i'm in love with her i delighted i delighted in my love for her i just recently did that's huge but get me up on that stagement What do you have to lose, put me in there? Yeah. No, but none of these people are going to win.

I feel like that about almost everything. I agree. I agree. I agree. That's what I add. Why not? After one of the shows, this guy, Daniel Gafford, the center for the Washington Wizards, came to the, came to the show, NBA player. He's seven feet tall.

He came and hung out with us backstage. And I just kept asking him. I was like, just let me play, man. Yeah. Just let me play one time. time. And I was like, I'm a, I'm a lob threat. Right. Like, just, just one time you run off the court and I'll run onto the court and we'll do it really, really fast. Yeah. No one can tell the difference. And he was just like, ha, ha, maybe, man. He just kept saying that. And I kept being like, no, man, I'm fucking

serious. Seriously. I really, really, really want to do your job for one day. I've gotten in trouble before saying that to people. Who to who? I said it to this guy from Smosh. you said I want to be you basically what did you say I told him to put me on you said okay to which one Ian

you said put me on not in those exact words what did you say to him exactly I think exactly I said and I can't remember exactly how I put it because I was kind of drunk but I think I said

something along the lines of give me one trillion dollars and put me on your hair and what did he say he kind of didn't really say anything and kind of scowled a little bit. He's not as nice as Mr. Daniel Gafford, man. No. This guy was cool. Him and his wife were really nice.

But he was very nice. Yeah. And kind of that way that I ended the night with that I feel bad about. So maybe I made him a little upset. He wasn't really nice to you being very, very rude to him. No. Well, that's how rude. It's a question.

A question can't be so rude. Well, I would say the rude part of that is assuming that the guy who runs Smosh has a bunch of money. You can't run small to that a bunch of money. I would say give me a trillion dollars to a homeless guy. It doesn't matter how much money they have. Okay, go to do it. Okay. I've done it before.

You've asked, he says, can I have a dollar? You say, Oh, can I have a trillion? A fucking trillion dollars? Because one time that might work.

It could work. It might be a guy who's studying. Yeah, it might be walking Phoenix. Yeah. That's a thing. Since you asked. I've been treating every homeless guy very, very well,

just in case they're walking. You go up to every homeless guy and say, I loved you in Joker. I think your madness is unbelievable. You play madness so well. I've caused a lot of problems by encouraging madness in these guys. Your chest concavity is loki-freaky, my friend. I really want to lose like 100 pounds for a movie role so badly. Yeah.

I want to be cast as maybe, like, who could I be? You should be in the remake of the machinist. That's a great idea. I think I would crush that. I was talking about that movie the other night. Are they remaking it? No, I don't think so. I never have even seen that movie.

Me neither. But I've seen the pictures. That was one of the movies that I was always, I wanted to watch so bad when I was in middle school, but I, like, psyched. I was too scared of it, of watching it. Because I thought, well, I thought it was going to be really scary. And I just psyched myself out every time. I never watched it.

And I still haven't. Yeah, I did that with Gamer. And then I watched it, isn't it? Gamer is, it wasn't that scary. Gamer is, I mean, we've talked about those kind of movies before, but those movies are like, really what I thought movies were going to be like the rest of my life. I was like, oh, okay, they figured out how to make a movie. There's people's heads blow up.

There's like insane CGI violence and boobs. I think those directors are doing something new that I was excited about, but I can't. Oh, I think that maybe they're doing a Hellboy movie. Really? The guys who, they're the guys who did Crank and the Ghost Rider movies. Oh, they did Ghost Rider? Yeah. Or maybe just the second one.

And Mom and Dad, you ever watch that movie? Uh-uh. That's the one where there's like a virus that spreads that makes. makes all moms and dads want to kill their kids. It's crazy. What? And it's called Mom and Dad? Yeah.

And it's like a, it's Nicholas Cage and, uh, Selma something. Salma Hayek? No. The one from the old Hellboy movie. Selma and the, uh, I don't know what her name, but they play, but it's like half a comedy and half like the most horrible, horrific thing of like moms and dads and dads, like running at their kids and being like, come here! And trying to kill them.

It's crazy. That would really scare me. It's a cool movie. I've been trying to, okay, I stayed up for an extra 15 minutes last night in bed thinking about how to become very rich off of a video game because I was thinking of all these video games that these little kids play are all scary, the scary games, right? And it's all stuff that is just things that are,

that you think about when you're a kid. Yeah. It's the cut, the, the, the fucking mascot horror stuff. Yeah. There's that game, grandma. Teacher. Yeah, the teacher,

Baldi's basics. All of these games are all... It's all stuff you do as a kid. It's all stuff as a kid. It's a part of your life. So I was thinking, what, if we wanted to make

one of these games, because these people make fucking, dude, hello neighbor. Yeah. These guys made like, they sold some show to like Disney.

They made like $100 million off this fucking game. Oh my God. Wait, that's what we can do. We just vulture off all this stuff. We'll just go, let's just shop around a bunch of TV adaptations

of all. these games. That is smart as fuck. We don't even have to get the rights. Fuck, no. No, just pretend we have them. Yeah, wait, you didn't get the rights. You just made it up.

No, fuck it. We'll just steal it. What do you mean the rights? It's made up. Yeah, wait. It's not real. You made up fucking Baldi and Freddie. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll just take it. Do something about it. It's a fucking iPhone. Oh, my God. And you know what? You have the perfect perspective to write an adaptation of Baldi. Finally, a story about it. Home school.

A story about baldies from an actual baldy. Because for too long, we have let haired, people of hair take over the narratives of baldies. Can I say baldies? No, you can't say baldies, man. That's the guy's name. I didn't even realize he was bald, actually. I don't know even what he looks like or who he is. He is bald now that I think about it.

I mean, apparently they've been selling a lot of the game, Baldies Gate 3. I didn't even know it was such a big franchise, but I've seen. That's a different bald guy. I guess it's, that's different. Yeah, it's a completely different bald guy. I'm scared to play that game. I'm scared of any game that will destroy my life. You can imagine, it's hard for you to imagine something balder than you.

Is that one? That the fuck. You made me spill my coffee. You did that shit right then. And it's just going to sit there. You're just going to have to think about that. I see the name of that game and I get scared because I read it and I say, bald and gay, me?

I think it's talking, I think it's saying something about me. But you're neither bald nor gay, nor yourself. Twilight Zone kind of. Oh, yeah. What if you were bald? Imagine a world. This man lost all his hair. This man stuck in a prison of sexuality and lack of hair.

Well, the wait. Prison, sexuality, no hair. Okay. Well, it's about me. Twilight Zone reboot would be good for us, too. We could kind of pick up the pieces of the Jordan Peel. I didn't watch it. It was a bad?

Apparently it was bad. I don't watch it either. I saw they had Camille Nangiani in it. Yeah. And he played the funniest comedian in the world. And I said, wait, this is a documentary? I think if Jordan Peel did something in this past few years and you haven't heard about it once, it probably must be really, really bad. True.

It must be really bad. Because people like him. But what is, when you were a kid, what is the kind of thing that you slaughter? So Slender is, I mean, they already made that game, though. Oh, well, okay. Slender Man on the Seven Pages. Right, okay. I understand now.

Yeah, with the question. The question is like... Should be a game of... It should be a game of... What is I scared? Okay. Like, what's scary? Like, because I wasn't scared of the teacher when I was a kid, I guess.

Been kidnapped by a pedophile. They already did that with hell a neighbor. That's what it's about? Kind of, yeah. It's like a... It's like the pedophile neighbor next door. Like, that's what you're scared of. But my neighbors weren't pedophiles.

They were just old old guys who wear masks. My neighbors were my friends. Yeah, I liked my neighbor. My neighbor was a really, really scary old man. I liked all my neighbors except for Mrs. Boyle. Oh. You had a Mrs. Boyle to? You can imagine exactly what she looked inside.

Yeah, I really can. But when I was a kid, you know what I was saying, here's what I was saying. I think she died. That's sad. I think Jerry lives there now. Here what I was thinking was. Yeah. Two things.

One is either like your parent, like you go over to somebody else's house. And they throw up and you have to go home. And they have some. Yeah. And you have to stop her from getting sick. You know, you go over to somebody else's house. and they have, like, weird rules. Right.

Like, I hated that when I was a kid. You know, it's maybe even worse than that when you're, and maybe you, I mean, I think you maybe you might have been a different type of kid than me, so maybe this didn't bother you so much when you go to your friend's house and they're talking back to their parents. I mean, if you listen, if you just assume that I like disrespect. Okay, I'm just not sure because me personally, I would never have talked back to my parents. Yeah. I was a respectful and polite child.

Of course. I followed the rules. nasty children in my life, man. I had children called her mom's bitch. Yep. That was maybe one of the most horrifying things in the world to me. How can you do that? Even beyond just saying, do this, do that.

Say, please. Yeah, exactly. What are they your slave? No. Yeah, no, it's your mama. They're raising you. That's your mama and your dad. You popped out of them.

That's your papa. That's your papa and your mama. I call my mama papa because I popped out of her. That's right. No, you call yourself the papa. I call her the puppy. Dad, mom. I say, hey puppy.

I saw an old-ass guy struggling up the stairs with a walker. I got called the F-sler by guy with the walker today. Damn. I guess they're kind of a new style of guy that the old head can't quite comprehend. This is old fucking guy. He was the same guy. He was struggling up the stairs and he was his back like, wah. He had a hunched back or he was about to walk up the stairs and then a guy.

This guy's head was at his knees. A guy walked up to him and went, you need help poppy? and made me laugh with my guy just being called poppy This guy would not have liked that shit No yeah Imagine like just imagining

Kind of a Clint Eastwood style old guy Being called Poppy You need help poppy I think I think this is the same guy That Joe and Alex were telling me They were filming something

And like outside And he was like Because I think they told me He had a cane And he was like What are you guys filming And they were like Oh we're just filming like

A short whatever And then a person walked by Who was wearing like really short shorts and like a really short pink top and he just like went like oh my god I think it was probably the same guy

because they said that it was a veteran with a cane the tragedy of being an old guy like that and you're in New York man you're torturing yourself and I gotta say this guy got to get out of that situation this guy called me a fucking F word

yeah and just like that to his self yeah and I was a little bit like I mean, it's always little weird guys who you could throw around that do that. Yeah. It's always just old guys who know that they have immunity because if I'd ever, you can say whatever you want to me. If I touch this guy, I'm the bad guy all of a sudden because I killed a man.

Yeah. But this guy, he looks, he looks just about the gayest guy I've ever seen my life. He has, his head is at complete dick height. He's like, could be fully roly-polyed into like the. perfect sex position to me. I mean, this guy could be manhandled and should be manhandled. So that's what I was saying. Maybe this guy is internalized homophobia. I guess when I first thought of it, I was thinking, okay, maybe, I guess being an old racist homophobe guy who lives in Brooklyn, that might be like being allergic to bees and being a beekeeper. Maybe you should probably go somewhere else. So you're saying they should be in charge.

Well, I'm saying that's what it might. I'm saying that's what it might be like. Right. Which is the beekeeper. Keeper isn't in charge of the bees. He works with them. He doesn't work with the bees. He squeezes their bodies. I guess maybe it's more like you are the bee because if you sting someone, well, what do you expect? You die. Well, yeah.

Well, first you die because, again, you're going to give yourself a heart attack. If you sting somebody, your stinger comes off your body, you die. But a beekeeper gets stung by a bee. It's like, well, what do you? They don't go. Oh, yeah, I'm the beekeeper. Yeah, exactly. I'm walking around.

I'm the beekeeper. He stings me. Maybe it's actually the other way around. stings me and I go whatever I guess you're an old guy this has happened I he calls me that that word and I say this has happened to me hundreds of thousands of times now come here and I'm gonna take your honey from yeah come here get some honey I'm gonna massage you till your honey comes I'm gonna find your girlfriend and flip her over how about that that's what you have to say to an old guy like that oh you think I'm gay I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend yeah yeah let me see your

girlfriend's ugly and old yeah oh sex are there yeah you're the gay guy having sex with old women who looked like men by that time because of how white and thin their hair is. The thing is she, because if she's dating this guy, she'll probably say yes to have sex with me. Because it's such an upgrade. Because you look like him? No. No.

No. I don't look like this guy. I don't know. It could be a lot of reasons why you said that. I didn't look anything like this guy. That one thing you said. And we were, I was both of us was white. Okay. Well, that adds kind of a sinister tint to the situation. How? Because

just a white-on-white crime. That's what you're saying. Kind of a... I don't even know. Kind of... I don't even know what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing the rest of the day? I have an exciting package coming in the mail that I can't tell you what it is, but I'm just going to send you a picture of it when it arrives. What? I just don't want to say it. I don't want to spoil anything. But it's exciting? But it's really exciting.

I think you might like it. I'm very excited about it. Can I guess? You can guess... Well, Okay, I'll give you one. I'll tell you, you know what? I'll give you this.

It's an outfit. Damn. That's actually exciting as fuck. Yeah. Then I have to basically do some Photoshop and go to the grocery store. I need to buy new pants. My pants. I was in...

I bought some new pants yesterday as part of this outfit. Not these. Oh, not this outfit. Okay. No. This new outfit. Is it a job outfit? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, I like this kind of thing. Why don't I dress up like I have a job anymore? This job, I'm more excited about this outfit than I've been excited about any outfit I've ever had. I'm so happy. I'm so excited to see this. It's not for the podcast either. So nobody will ever see it until it's time.

I had to buy pants. Tell me if you guys went to any of the DC shows, first two shows, I did them with a giant rip in the crotch of my pants that I'm worried that people saw. Were you wearing undies? Yeah, I was wearing undies, but they were black undies and blue jeans. Briefs or boxers? Or boxer briefs. Do they have brief boxers? Here's what brief boxers are.

They're boxers that only last for a moment. Yes. They're fleeting. Edible underwear are brief boxers. No, you don't even have to eat it. You snap your fingers and you go, they poof away? Yeah, they blow away like when a guy turns to dust in a movie. That's scary.

but it's beautiful in terms of romantic sex that would be nice if I could because I the thing is I like taking my shirt off I like taking my pants off hate taking off my socks and my underwear let me do this yeah I don't care if there's single use here's now here's the problem with this design

I'm thinking of you're in a work meeting you're up presenting in front of every in front of the office obviously you got pants on yeah but you know maybe you're expecting to have a little fun after work in the car with one of your co-workers which that's just a random detail that doesn't matter

but you have these underwear on maybe you have these under maybe that's the reason you have these underwear on or maybe you just mix it up but maybe you're going to have sex in the car with your co-worker and the launch break but then maybe you give the presentation

about how you're going to switch over a new system and your boss says wow that's great it seems like it's going to be so easy to switch over in the new system in fact I think we'll be able to switch just like that right in front of everyone everyone sees a bunch

underwear's worth of dust falls right out of the legs of your pants here's the other scenario I was thinking if you have these clap or these snap on snap off underwear oh they're only snap off I don't know if you can snap up that's another good idea that got the metal snaps

yeah that would that would help me a lot yeah you go to a poetry reading a beat poetry and you're wearing hundreds of pairs and your character is underwear man yeah right You might be good for, just make sure your poem isn't too good because over 100 snaps and you're done.

Or maybe you ate a, you ate something crazy right before you got there and you shate your pants. But you say, luckily, I have underwear on. I have underwear on under, and I have these giant wide-leg dickies where if it wasn't for these underwear, these things would go right down there. But then there's a very rude patron at the bar who says, Bartender Yeah I'll have a mead Or tea pain

Yeah What about a shoe Where it has Like a Chinese suicide net Around it So if poo falls out Your pant leg It catches it

Why would you want Then it just roll into your shoe Well back to the drawing board Like this one I guess I like the idea I do think we are Okay here's an idea I thought of a while ago

This is another poo shoe related it's a shoe on the bottom of it, it has reversed like a stamp pattern. Okay. Caleb was here. Cameron was here. You can step in dog poo.

Oh. Make stepping in dog poo fun and marks your territory. I like that. Yeah. Or you know you can put whatever, but a stamp shoe where you can step in poop. That's a great idea. Or you step in the sand and it shows... Yeah, yeah. Well, mostly my idea is for poop. So what do you

Well, the water is going to wash away that's sand. Water is going to wash the poop away. No, what is this? Poop on the beach. Or it could be concrete, like for walking in wet concrete. Yeah. Well, so there's a lot of ideas, but mainly the idea is for poop. I do think that, so zooming out a little bit.

Yeah. When was pants invented? Oh, these pants are so small from all the way out here. It's zoomed out. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, so I bet that, well, could you consider a loincloth of pants? Or is that underwear? That's a skirt.

Yeah. So I would probably say they didn't invent that until 9,000 years ago. And the shirt, that's my guess. The shirt was probably a couple years after that, right? I feel like the shirt maybe came before pants because I feel like you could cover everything. Yeah, well, but I guess I don't know why I think that, but it feels like maybe that's true. I can imagine someone, Winnie the pooing around. Yeah, you're probably right.

It's more important stuff to cover up the stuff. But I was thinking maybe they have a, they're holding, no, yeah, you're right. I'm going to look up when pants came out. But it's been, you know, near thousands of years since we had a big clothing item invented. Between the 13th and the 10th century's BC. So that's, I'm not so far off. Yeah, it was 3,000 years ago. You know, only a few thousand years off.

Yeah, only three times longer. I want to see what the first, the oldest known trash. Yes, I do. I do want to see them. I've seen people wearing these. Whoa, yeah, that looks amazingly modern. That is crazy. Those are like those ones that have the, like, the ridges on them.

These are like Kanye West things. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen Patrick wear these pants. No doubt. Yeah, which, by the way, Patrick, you've been really quiet today. Kind of a joke for the audio listeners. Yeah, he's not here.

You can't see that he's not here. Yeah, he's not here. He's in solitary confinement. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's it. Do we have anything to plug? Oh, well, there's a huge episode coming up next month.

I can't say much else about it. The Battle of the Century, September 27th. It is kind of the, this is a bit of a stopgap episode, but it will be the opposite of this one in every single way. Well, actually, I forgot that I had a list pulled up. Obviously, we were not going to do it now, but I can, oh, well, I completely lost it. I was going to say we could read one thing from it, but what was it?

I closed it. It was, I don't even remember. Morning. This is truly a throwback to the very beginning of the podcast. You and me at work. I mean, I just, I had such a thrilling conversation that I didn't even remember

that I had anything on my phone to look at. It was great. It was wonderful. This was special. This was special. Yeah. Thank you. Well, that's that.

Bye, y'all. Here's what happened in the dream. outside there was lightning striking all around i thought i should go inside so lightning doesn't strike me so i start to run inside then lightning strikes near me i think oh i'm safe it only struck near me that was lucky but then it goes into the ground it goes and it goes across the ground like a video game area of effect what if you woke it goes into my body and then it goes up my body like and i shake around and i fall to the ground and then my heart stops and then i was survived and then i got up and i said and my dream i said well i thought i was going to die but it actually just felt

weird what if you woke up from that dream that's not what you're in real life you'd say like well that's a dream if you woke up from that dream and your finger is just in your outlet in your oh yeah you're doing sleepwalking you woke up and it's like you're like your nightstand is here your bed your bed is here and just everything out of the way the i'm chewing on my phone charging cable fell down it perfectly into the outlet on the wall my outlet shaped whole shaped finger shaped Well, you have a, yeah, because when you have a hole is your finger in your mouth. Yeah. I know you.

Who doesn't sleep with your finger in your mouth? And then you scratch your balls, put your finger in your mouth. Do you, I just, I wonder if I ever done that myself. You know, and you, it's your butt and then you stick your fingers in your mouth. We all do it. I don't do it. We all do it, man. It's about, you don't have to be afraid to admit it.

Okay, I do it. You're right. I do that shit. I stick it in my mouth. What is up with you? Disgusting In the middle of the mall You're just doing it

While you're like looking around You're putting all four of your fingers In your mouth Christmas shopping Your Christmas shopping Your girlfriend You're in the middle of Victoria's secret The woman's about to walk up to you

And you're just going Oh I'm just like it makes the same sound as an apple When you put your finger In your mouth too Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh.