Podcast About List - Ep. #278 - ♥ The Valentine’s Day Special ♥

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

It’s the loveliest day of the year, the day to appreciate and love each other ♥♥♥ I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

What day is it, guys? Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely. February 14. Oh, my God. Did you say Vammerary? February. February. You know what I learned?

Have you ever done this? I've never done it before. You were dressed up. This is what people do in other countries. You're not dressed up. You're dressed up like the love monkey. Instead of a new character. Is that what you're supposed to be?

The love wolf? The love monkey. This is, this means I love you in other countries. It means I love you in Snapchat. Yeah, the two fingers touching each other. Because it looks like a little heart. They added this recently to the emojis, man. Love.

This, actually, if you're a stoner. Joined the roach. Oh, yeah. I see. Thank God I'm not. I love weed. So what do we know about love? Love is beautiful.

It's pink. Love is a battlefield. Battlefield. Yeah. Well, guys... No, not a battlefield. No, it's not at all. No, it's actually...

It's actually a doctor's office. Yeah. It's very clinical. Yeah, well, not clinical. It's more like passionate and primal like when the doctor is searching up your butt

with the three fingers. You ever had the doctor go up there and you nut immediately? Yeah. I've never had the doctor anywhere near my ass. Doctor hits that button up there. Oh my God.

I'm like three years away from having to do that. What? The fucking asshole. The doctor up your butt? You don't have to do that. You have to spend the And you have to, you know, I guess the whole, the entirety of your life before you hit that flourish.

Let it grow, bro. As you have to be searching through your insurance to find a doctor that you want to have their finger up your butt. They should have to have a database of hands. You should be able to swipe on doctors. Yeah. Every doctor has to take a photo like this. Yeah. So that you can tell which, like, what if you have like a doctor that has one giant hand or one tiny hand?

Especially you can tell the hand to do it. Well, that would be bad. They say, I broke my human hand. I'm going to have to use my lobster call. That's what love is all about. Or crab. Crabbs have the different size claws, right? Lobsters do.

I think a lot of it. Most clawed animals. Right, because lobsters have the crusher and then the pincher, yeah. The pincher got the bad meat. The pincher has the, the crusher's got the good meat. But it's fun to pull the meat out of the little pincher sometimes. Oh, yeah. Just the little claws.

Do you suck on the legs? I did suck on the legs. Lobsters are a beautiful. Are we talking about lobsters? Lobster is an amazing. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. He's getting sexual on this Valentine's episode.

Well, guys, it's February 14th, and that means, of course, we're doing a very special episode today and kicking off a new series. Yep. So roll the clip, Julio. Podcasts are this. Five weeks of war.

That's right. We fucking tricked you. We got you, guys. It's the five weeks of war. Catch up. No, that's the wrong one. I don't have a sound for this. For war?

Yes, that's good. I guess these are completely sounds for war. Oh, my God. Riddled with bullets like Swiss cheese. Horrible pain. You thought we were going to be talking about love. We're talking about horror. Yeah, we'll talk about hearts being pierced by sniper bullets.

on the beaches of Normandy or General Hart or a guy named General Hart he exists out there or Lieutenant We are so... Hark! Hark! The hoofbeats of horses!

The red coats are coming. This is the new series. We did the five weeks of planets. We did science. We did science. And now it's time to move on to history and I don't give a fuck about what else...

I mean, what even is history except just a bunch of awesome wars strung together? There has never not been a war. History is just wars going on every single. single time. Everything is done around war.

And so money is war stuff for war stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And it's also war. And TV shows and movies are propaganda for pro war. Every movie is I've actually heard this. And it's a TV show is also a war between the people who are watching and the people who aren't.

People are watching. They pull up to work that morning with the basically. The metaphorical AR-15. Have you seen the new true detective night country? Mm-hmm. Yep. Everybody into office. Work is, work is a war between you and in the corporate.

that you work for you and dwight you and twank war prank war prank wars are a war what wars have you been in uh i am in a war with my doctor you're in a doctor i know all about that i'm in a war with an electrician and my landlord i wasn't a war with some bugs i won oh yes i eliminated them i remember this war how'd you do that uh with poison yeah you talked about this before yeah you had you had a battle with a cockroach uh-huh but the cockroach left its progeny it's foul spawn oh no they're back and i genocided them oh wow yeah i just destroyed them. Thank you for your genocide. Thank you for that. You're welcome. I completely eliminated them. Well, that's good. Systematically. Yes. Eliminated an entire species from your home. Yeah.

If it's a species in your home, you're allowed to genocide. I also killed a bunch of spider beetles too by accident. What's a spider beetle? It's a little beetle. It's a spider? It looks like a spider. But it's in fact a beetle. Interesting. I'm in a war right now against business partners. Hmm. Not you two. Oh. Who? well there's comedians that I know and we started a product

new product and I have been completely cut out of the promotional circuit for this product so this is like breaking bed

what is this it's called porosos vodka oh shit I've seen this I have I had no idea you were involved

so originally it was supposed to be me B that's what I call Bert BK BK and T.S. And us three. Taylor Swift?

No, Tom Seguer. And us three were, we were one day we were sitting around drinking. We were doing some fucking arena, one of the many arenas we do. Yeah. And we were sitting around and we were drinking this bullshit vodka, right? That was called Tito. Tito's smearing off one of these crappy. All of your, I mean, you know, Bert, he's going to have a variety.

Well, you don't know, Bert. I know BK very well. Well, I mean, I'm saying I know you know him as a character. Tell me you don't know BK without telling me you don't know BK. He doesn't go by Burt to his friends. He literally goes by BK. Well, I don't know him that way. Or the machine.

Or the M. Yeah. Yeah. So B.K. the M. The M. M. Tams.

Gara. Me and these three. Don't take a girl. That's really, that's what is real name. His friend's called Tontaguerre because he's from Peru. And we were all hanging out and we were drinking this crap. And we were like, dude, I bet we could make some better crap than this. Me, so first of all, we have the machine. We have

El Tegor and we have Let Tigre. Le Tigre. Well, I actually don't have a nickname. No, I actually don't have a nickname. Professor X. They say Q ball sometime, but it's not like a nickname. None of these stuck. And we said, well, let's do it. And they said, Rojo. And I said, well, let's call it. Let's call it. Rojo Pitts. Oh my God, you need to take that up as your new stage. Rojo Pitts. It's not going to work. Rojo is good.

Rojo Pitts is good. No, no, no. I'd tell you guys about how me and Gus want my brother to run for city council in his town in California, change his middle name to Tito. Joshua Tito. Joshua Tito for city council. Anyway, yeah, we just had the idea. And I was like, let's call it Trace Flamas after this music thing that we've been doing for a little while. and uh they they joined trace flamas yeah yeah your cousin's the producer i cut out my cousins and brought

in uh t k and t k t k tom and they got married tom and they're not supposed to yeah oh i didn't know that um and uh so i'm like okay let's start the shit i put down fucking three and a half million dollars cash right we start we we get the distillery we start uh the entire line of production where were you uh where did you get the distillery the distillery is in china yeah so A Chinese vodka. A lot of people don't know vodka is a traditionally Chinese spirit. Yeah. It's an Asian spirit.

Yeah. So, yeah, so we started making the whole thing. I did all the graphic design work. I worked so hard on this shit. And I've seen the logo. It looks fire. I did not know you knew how to use Illustrator like that. Yeah, so we were supposed to launch on February 28th, right?

So here comes February 8th, 20 days before launch. Uh-huh. and now my guys are going on the Pat McAfee show and taking pictures with their shirts off I was supposed to be

in those photos with my shirt off Yeah and you've been training with Tom so hard Me and Tom have been

basically in the YMH gym every single day This is why you've been talking so much about like you have been so like you're more

spiritual now and you've been talking like you need to wake up at five in the morning Yeah so like me Tom and

And Andrew Huberman have been waking up at four in the morning, staring into the sun for two and a half hours to get our dopamine, something about dopamine going around. Vitamin D. Vitamin D as well. Dopeness. Dopeness, which Tom Zaguerre has a lot of, you know, even though he's my kind of enemy now. I got to admit it, this guy is pretty neat and funny. You're talking about war. Yeah, I'm talking about war. So now we're, I'm in a full war with these two, I guess. And I would say this is the shot heard around the world. So if you guys are listening, that's a wrong shot. It's a different type of shot. Listen, rim shot. And just because you guys are three or four years older than me doesn't mean that I'm scared to you. I want you to know that.

Yeah. Okay. And you're a little bit further ahead in your careers. 32-year-old Bert Kreischer. And Tom's a girl is 29. So, but I'm ready for war, okay? And I'm coming fully strapped up. And I'm walking into YMH studios with an RPG and I'm blowing up your wife,

Tom's a girl. I swear to God. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Yeah. To start a war, you need to know the history of war. That's true. And I just wanted to really quick.

Thank you, Caleb, for sharing your war of the week. Thank you. The war of the week is just a new segment. We can each kind of have a segment where we each talk about a war that we've been engaged in. I'm trying to recruit Dr. Drew to my war. Oh, yes. They have beef. You mean Dr. Dre?

Well, Dr. Dre has pronounced Dr. Dre. There's a different Dr. No, Dr. Drew is a. It's D-R-E. It's not D-R-U. It's Dr. D. You're kidding. You're misprouncing. it. Really? Yeah. I just, you are just a, a well of knowledge. He's the Oracle.

You are just, you just know everything. He's one of the most important things to have in an army, which is an Oracle. We need an Oracle. I need an Oracle. I need a soothsayer. So I'm recruiting all these kinds of positions for my war. And also a hitman who can kill definitely these two guys. Yeah. But yeah, let's get into the history of, oh, can I have one? Yeah. Okay, let's get, we're going to talk about the history of war today. I think Cameron, you have something planned. well I don't really want to do it right now I mean I think that the five weeks of war just so everybody knows it's like the five weeks of planets

where each episode we're going to be focusing on a different and you'd think I'd say planet here because I said like the five weeks of planets no each episode we'll focus on a different war and today we're going to go in chronological order Oh yeah, that's what it is today. Today we will be covering the caveman wars So the caveman wars

are a historical event that we, there's really no obviously this was before written language so there's no historical record but there is an archaeological record because they have found millions of artifacts. They've found millions of drummer boys who are hitting

twigs onto a wooden guns. Wooden guns. Wooden guns that have. Wooden ammunition that are stone armor. It's like a crescent moon. A wooden gun is a crescent moon with a string. Yes and it shoots a long bullet. One of the The longest bullet, hairy bullets I've ever seen.

A bullet with hair on its butt. And they've also found archaeological, because every war has a puppet master behind it. So they found archaeological evidence of rich cavemen surrounded by their wealth of rocks and sticks, sitting in a hovel, planning the entire thing. I guess if we're talking archaeological record, I can go ahead and do my segment now because it's funny enough that we bring it up. For the five weeks of wars, of war, sorry. of war war that's so everyone who's commenting and sending this to your parents and your grandparents and your uncles and your grand uncles great uncles i mean it's not five weeks of wars five weeks of war they'll know that when you're telling people to listen to it there's no plurals on

this show podcast about list yes so you've all heard of show and tell yes show and tell is for it's for kindergartners yes that is why we do show and learn yes now for each of these wars i have received on loan from the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, in their nation's capital, D.C. The heart of all war. Wow. I have received an artifact on loan from them that I'm allowed to showcase on the show and give a little bit of history of its background that I've gotten, you know, reports on these items history from famous historians. And today I'm really excited to bring my artifact. This is, I mean, of course, this is the oldest one. So it's kind of almost in terms of impressiveness, the artifacts go

in reverse order a little bit for which ones we're getting. So I have an item to show today. Okay. This is going to be in a caveman wars. Whoa! Guys, for those listening, this is a... Careful with that. A giant bone.

Oh, my God. This is a giantly large bone. Careful. It could stab me. I'm showing it to everyone. You could... It's literally a weapon. I need to see some bone discipline with your fingers. That doesn't work anymore. You need to practice the own discipline.

Stop. Stop. Get the bone away from us, man. It's old. This probably killed hundreds of people. Stop. Stop. Do you want to know the history behind this?

I want to know the history about it? Certainly. Stop. You're really freaking him out. Jeez. It's just a bone. But it's not just any bone. Okay.

Well, tell us what it is then, you bastard. Guys, this is the bone. From the caveman wars. Wow. Used by thog. against glonk you're kidding and i know you're asking yourself how did this legendary conflict between thog and glonk come about well here's the history behind it this was originally lug's leg bone oh his size makes sense his brother his femur until lug was killed during the siege of dirk's cave

you see this was back in about 12,000 bc when economic conditions led to conflict between thump and the scratchers straining the relationship between Thump and Dirk who was a scratcher. Wow. So after the siege of Dirk's cave, Lug's bone was recovered by thog.

Thog thought Dirk didn't see Thog take Lugbone but Dirk was sitting on rock nearby and Dirk saw thog. Dirk sent the scratchers after Thog to thong him on the head and take back Lug's leg. The scratchers went to Thog's tree and climbed up it but Thog not home. He was out with Glob

looking for dirt. Then they found dirt, so they were taking it to Glob's Rock to make brown paint, because brown paint was very valuable at the time and could assuage many of the economic pressures caused by high taxes. I think I saw a crash course video. Yes. The scratchers

burned down Thog's tree using fire, an advanced weapon at the time. Meanwhile, Thump had sex with a monkey. When Glob and Thog saw the burnt remains of Thog's tree, Thog took lugbone to Dirk Cave and whacked Dirk with it. Wack was also there, and he bopped

Thog with a club. Club and Bop were there to and they ran away. Thog used lug bone to kill Dirk, but not before Dirk lopped off Glob's head. This ended up causing a massive shortage of brown paint, which led to the battle of brown paint. I'm sure you guys are familiar with. I remember that one.

Then Thog left Dirk cave with Lug's bone. Then he saw Glonk and he thought, Glock ugly, so he hit Glock with bone. And this is the bone. Oh, my God. That is the bone. That is incredible. Stop, man.

I'm sorry. It slipped out of my hands. This thing is fun. Not only is it dangerous. Stop, you're going to spill. The bone almost spilled. I don't even want to touch it. It looks razor sharp.

Stop. Someone hand it to me? Leave the bone on the table. I don't have a bone license. I need it back. It needs to go back to the Smithsonian. I have PTSD from bones. Okay, we'll leave it there for the rest of the episode.

I'm going to grab it with my sleeve over my hand. There you go. There's the bone. You're hitting stuff. You're going to stop, man. That's a very expensive artifact. It felt. I'm going to kick it under the table.

Okay. We'll leave it there. Okay. And we'll just tell this of Smithsonian that we lost it. We lost it. It's just a bone. It's just a bone. Chill out.

It's just a bone. Shut the hell up. Here's my question. You said someone had sex with a monkey. Who gives a fuck? Let people, people are people. I mean, no, but back then, if it was like you're the first guy and your mom's a monkey, I mean, don't have sex with your mom.

But you can have sex with her sister. Or her son. her sister. Your aunt. Both of those are your aunt. Her sister. I mean, I don't care how many sisters

moved in. I'm just saying a monkey was just an older, what, a milf? Maybe. I guess so. Well, you know,

the thing about history is we write down history so we can avoid the mistakes of the past. So someone had to write down, I had sex with a monkey.

I had sex with a monkey. Don't do this. It wasn't fun. Yeah, I've never been interested in having sex. It was worse than with a human. With a monkey.

It's got to be worse. It's probably because we'd have that in the history books. I mean, if it wasn't in the history books, you'd probably think, well, no one's ever done this before. Might as well try. Yeah. This is the same way that, I mean, not to, basically all, in history, all wars are connected. You can look at the same causes and effects. It's all one giant web. Yeah. And this is the same, to keeping track of our, of our mistakes and making sure we don't repeat them. For example, running down, I had sex with a monkey.

I had sex with my mom's sister. This is the same way that we avoid, say, another Hitler coming to power. That's true in a modern day. Well, that's why Hitler had to write down. all that stuff it's called so that we could avoid it it's called the butterfly effect oh i'm sorry that's what that was that was almost a war right between you and me you bastard we almost started a new war i would not i would i would wave my little white flag immediately now are you guys wearing costumes for the caveman war i'm wearing camo no because there's a blizzard outside yeah i didn't and you took all the caveman stuff in the i also wore this shirt well i didn't own a monkey shirt already and also that it's barely a caveman

You just said that a monkey was a caveman's uncle. A caveman's mom, not a caveman. You're looking good, though. You do look odd. I mean, you look just like a full monkey to me. All right. Should I unearth my artifact that I found through research right now? You found an artifact?

I found an ancient. This is one of the first recorded. Now this is like a... Recorded like written down? Yeah, written down. So this is somebody doing, I guess, what's the word I'm looking? not an interpolation, but a... Interpretation?

Interpretation of the first written song, which was the most popular caveman song in the world. They had music back then. I thought this was before the dawn of culture. No, no, no, no. This was the first... This is the most popular caveman song. Of all time?

Of all time, yes. Well, it seems like it's playing on mute right now. Yeah, I think it's completely muted. Well, it needs to be in presentation of it. So I'm seeing a very handsome caveman and a dog. Yeah, let's listen to this song. We need to hear it. Okay

Pretty impressive for a caveman times Everybody's mad Look around There's a war to be had My brother was killed by stones and backs Dinosaurs We're riding on their backs I have a white she's 12 years old

When I ran out of money She was sold into slavery Oh, so cold. My name is Ug Merigold. I'm a caveman rapper from Caveman Times. Listen to my caveman rhymes. We don't have money yet, not even dimes. When I said money earlier, I was lying.

Nowadays, there's not even crimes. On a taradactyl, I am flying. The war's going on, so I am spying. I'm a neighbor and my ex-wife. I sold my neighbor, my 12-year-old wife. Uh-oh, I just got stabbed. That's right. I just got stabbed.

Uh-oh, the stabbing's really bad. I really don't want to tell my dad that I got stabbed, and I can't fight in the war. If I don't fight in the war That my dad is not gonna like me anymore I got stabbed real bad By a stone that was turned into a sword We have stone types of swords And now it's caveman times

The beat is unbelievable With my final breath I have to say Caveman wars are okay that was the first caveman rap that was the first caveman rap that's unbelievable kind of a uh what's the people who did love shack yeah kind of sounds like a b 52's type of cadence that the caveman had interesting yeah so where did people find this i think it was written it was the first written musical notes on a cave wall on a cave wall oh cave music music

cave music. Wow. So they, and instead of a microphone for amplification, they would walk to the back of the cave, and they would sing into the back of it and have it echo all the way to the front. And it would act as basically a full natural speaker. It was the ancient equivalent of an iPod. Yeah. Where each cave would have a caveman who would go to the back of the cave and sing a song and all the other ones, whatever song they wanted to listen to that day. They would go stand by the mouth of the cave and they would hear that song. Juke cave. It would be a full Juke cave. Because Duke invented it. Yeah. It was named after Juke. It was named after it's why it's why it's why. called the jube box. Eventually, the caves were transformed into boxes by a wizard. Because every medieval time. Because every new technology just gets smaller and smaller. And we'll get to that, by the way. We'll get to the medieval time. I don't think, I'm not sure if we have any, well, it doesn't matter. Yeah, we can switch it up. Yeah, no, they don't know what the plan is. We do have 10 wars that are in the pocket. It's five weeks again. When we remember how five weeks worked, a week has two days. Yep. Yep. In our system. Well, yeah, a week has two days.

And so, yeah, we have 10 full wars that we're doing. And I think there's going to be a lot of surprises for people. We're not going for the easy, the mainstream world. I mean, you can tell people. Nobody's talking about the caveman. Nobody talks about the caveman wars. Not a single, try that blowback. And you sit, yeah, hey, hey, blowback.

Talk about the fucking caveman wars. I'd like to see you handle the caveman wars, which are real and happened. Yeah. Blowback takes 10 episodes to talk about one war. I don't even know what kind of fucking sound effects you'd be putting in this bullshit. You know what, Noah and Brendan? Consider this a war.

Yep. We have issued a new war on you. Flawless victory. And we just won. We just won because we're the only ones talking about the caveman wars. Yeah, yeah, I'd like to see you do that shit. So that's what we really saw a gap in a lot of the historical. Because listen, Dan Carlin is doing, he does all these.

It does a little too hard core. I mean, for me, I'm not into this scream-o crap. I prefer softcore. Yeah, so he gets on there and he's on there, and he's, screaming about the samurai doing this and that. And I just think that that's not our lane. That is not our cup of tea. The samurai are not from

history. They're made up from movies. That is not our Métier. Yeah, they're literally from the Matrix, or they were based on the Matrix. So it's really not that. In real life, they did not dress crazy or have swords. Yeah. They were just got... They just didn't even fight. No, they didn't fight. There's no recorded history of a samurai

fight. Can you imagine being conscripted into this fucking caveman war? Dude, you're sitting at home. You're playing you're playing with your rock yeah you're playing count the sand yeah and playing counter strike you're playing counterstrike source counter strike the actual source yeah counterstrike origin yeah and then somebody yeah you've got a yeah you've got a wireless all my mice are wireless yeah that's true that's true you're playing with a mouse yeah yeah some giant prehistoric mouse yeah I think um your mom your your your mom comes in and says uh it says thog uh

we got a letter and it's just one letter written on a rock so maybe in a year maybe in a year we'll get another one you are uh oh what's it gonna say next

and it's just a ex-ey's face yeah you're dead and then you got to hop in that tank now you're and it's a foot powered tank so this is taking and tank is your cousin you got to hop in your cousin power them with your foot

and now you're out there and you're killing Neanderthals right? Because I read that I was reading about the prehistoric wars, and it is theoried that one of the theories of why Neanderthals went extinct is that it was a full genocide on the part of the Homo sapien. I thought it was just like disease. I think it's also, well, it's thinking the Homo sapiens like kind of outcompeted them. And then one of the other theories, too, is that Neanderthals, I mean, I guess this is more less of a cause and more of an effect, but just because they were kind of, they were getting beaten out for food sources and stuff that they all started eating each other.

But that's not, that would Interesting There would still be some The big fat ones would live Well there's some people Who have Neanderthal DNA One person at this table Well that's because we were breeding

With each other I have a good chunk If I remember correctly You have a good chunk I think we all did Yeah I think everybody has some If you go back to race off You can see all of our percentages

Of neanderthal What I think is fucked up About the caveman wars Is that first of all Nobody really talks about them They've been completely Memory Hold Yeah

And whitewashed by things like the Flintstones, which portrays this time in history as a happy, as, yeah, a happy It's really no different from like, honestly, it's no different from like an Aunt Jemima like syrup bottle. Exactly. It's like, it's a complete caricature. There's a history there you're not talking about. So there should be, I think that Barney Rubble should have been probably had his head cut off. Yeah. And Antja and Mima were two different cave women that were the first in their class to, you know, they were the first, uh, cave school, cave school, the first of their class to graduate because there weren't women allowed in school.

Oh my God, I bet chalkboards are from cavemen times. Yeah. That literally is. That's what a cave painting is. And again, they literally, it took them until, it took them until 2010 to update the technology to the smart board. Yeah. Which is not even good.

Since 30,000 BC people were using chalkboards. Can you imagine how amazing it was when they did, they presented that fire for the first time? Oh my God. The fire keynote. I mean, we talked about this last week, the biblical keynote, but imagine a. caveman keynote where it's a caveman

he's like we can now cook food can now be cooked the Pangea project the Manhattan project of the

caveman where they're developing fire they have the caveman version of op and he's drawing on the

cave wall his name is he's drawing on the cave wall and he's trying to draw some insane thing like he's drawing

like bringing the sun down to the earth or something but he's writing with a piece of like of rock and it keeps

making sparks he's like these stupid sparks and he's like batting him away. Okay, we're going to ride a bird

up into the sky. He does one plus one equals two and some guy walks and he's like, what is this bull crap? Nobody can

understand this nobody knows what this is. What the hell are you talking about, you fucking asshole? One is my neighbor. Go back to chewing

on that leaf till it gets you high. And two lives somewhere else. So a lot of Cape men were named things. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I'm going up on. Cave men were just named is anything. Well, anything that sounds like a sound was a caveman's name. Do you think you guys would have a...

I feel like my name would translate fine in a caveman. Yeah. Mine may be not so much. Me. Me. Me, Patrick. Yours is pretty good. Patrick. Mine, I feel like it's too... I don't know. I feel... I guess Cam Run. Cam Run. Cam Run. Come run. Come run. That would probably be your name.

Probably be the first half of our names. You'd probably be K. K. I'm C. Leb. Leb. Leb is actually a... Leb. That is a caveman. man name. I'm not going to Pat. Yeah.

Or Rick. Rick. Rick. Yeah. Could be Rick. What do you think that we would have done in that society?

Because right now I'm going to be honest. We don't do much in this one hunter gatherer for me. You would be the one gatherer. Yeah. The one male gatherer. Yeah, you would be

you'd be shooze and I'd be gossiping with all these cave girls are we gathering today. You'd be that predatory ass caveman who pretends a gatherer. It was the dangling loincloth. pretending you're a gatherer to get pussy.

I'm sick of all these fucking cavemen pretending to be gatherers to get cave girl pussy. This is so fucked up. That would be you, man. Yeah, they're listening. It's cave, a caveman who walks up to a cave girl and it's like, do you listen to Duke? I actually, even though I'm a caveman, I like Duke.

What was that guy's name? Ug, uh, uh, uh, marigold. Uh, marigold. Do you listen to Ug Merrigold? You know, I'm going to be honest, man. He's very, um, the rhyme. that he's doing are reminiscent to me

of O.J. the alien. He's saying dimes. Right. And what I'm wondering here that's interesting is if we're going to see a such an O.J. the alien situation throughout the five weeks of war where it is the same guy making all the songs because all of the other things do not take place during caveman times. Yes. Well, I'm just wondering, will

we see a song from Ogg Merigold that is set during no. Okay. Well, I'm just wondering a lot. I mean... But it could be his family tree. His descendant. Oh, my God. Descendants. Yes. Yes, it could be back to Cloud Atlas. A movie none of us have seen, but we seem to be talking about it.

I read the book. Yeah, well, you haven't seen the movie, though. I saw the movie in my mind that played when I read the book. And all the characters were very beautiful. Really? Well, it's true in the movie, too, Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Yeah.

Hallibur became Korean in that movie, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah. How they do that with tape? Don't know how they did it. I never saw it, but it's interesting. You'd think that's how you become Korean. Yeah, that is kind of interesting. I mean, why are they making it, I mean...

Do you think they had an industrial light and magic come down with a roll of scotch tape? You think that's what happened? I think so. I don't know. I haven't seen the movie. Kind of weird. That's him, that's him Korean? I don't know.

I haven't seen it. He looks actually better Korean than he does. If this is him Korean, that's crazy. Why? Because that doesn't look Korean at all. Don't think this is him Korean. No, I think this is him. This looks mob boss type.

Yeah. I'm trying to remember what the different characters are in Cloud. There's a Korean robot. There's an old whaling guy on a whaling ship. There's a composer, a musical composer. There's a woman. Really? Yep.

That's about all I can remember. Fascinating. Do you think they... Yeah, that's what they did for Mickey Rooney, right? The tape. In the wrestler? Or Mickey... No.

Mickey Rooney was not in the wrestler. That would be a very interesting movie, though. Him standing at the back of the ring, I wish the wrestler was like, like, the jazz singer. It was like a remake of a really old racist movie. I really wish that we had, we, you know, okay, here, I'm going to, I think that we should, I think that AI is good to bring, to bring back performers. I just really wish that we could have preserved all the silent era movie actors and have

still have them in movies today. I think it would be absolutely incredible to see these people in modern movies. movies and especially the people from silent movies who never used their voice. They died before movies. Lily and Gish sound. Yeah. Fatty Arbuckle and a Jordan Peel movie. Yeah.

I want to see that. That'd be. Can you imagine how fire it would be if Laurel and Hardy were showing up in movies? They talked. I know. I'm just saying old. I thought you were still on the silent generation thing. No.

Well, or Anna Nicole Smith. The Silent Generation. They were technically the Silent Generation though, right? I don't know. I thought the Silent Generation. It was World War I. Why'd they call them that? Because they went through trench warfare and came back like this.

They were quiet? Do you guys think the caveman got PTSD during the caveman? Yes. They saw a stick growing up a tree and they had a flashback. Guess what? I got hit by a stick. Oh, it's a fourth of July. Let's go watch a stick grow out of a tree.

Yeah. And guess who it's named after. Oh, and here comes grandpa. Two cavemen and PT and SD. Oh my God. An asteroid is falling dead. Yeah. Do you think that an asteroid brought the idea of war to Earth through a bacteria?

Yes. Do you think that Earth was completely peaceful? A green asteroid came down, glowed. The cavemen swam out into a lagoon and like dove down and touched it and some like it was slime mold bacteria that went into, infected their brain and made them violent. I don't know how familiar. George Verrill from Creep Show. I don't know how familiar you are with Scripture, but according to Veggie Tales, that's how the rumor weed came down to

Really? Like wormwood. The rumor weed. You know, wormwood? No. Wormwood is a star that falls from the sky during, I think, the judgment day that turns all the water sour. Really? Isn't it? I kind of like the idea of sour water. Isn't that the thing they use to make malort? Yes. Oh, my God.

That's why everyone in Chicago is so violent. The rumor weed comes down from space and starts telling rumors, starts spreading rumors, and the asparagus indulges. indulges some. Rumors are at the root of almost every war that's ever been fun. Well, yeah, because I guess another thing we need to do is get to the bottom of why these wars happen. Yeah. You know? We really have not covered historically very much at all about the caveman wars and what took place? Again, it's been covered up. This is a, what do they call that, a Da Vinci code type of situation where probably the Vatican or some other religious entity is in charge of making sure that we never learn about this shit because they want it to

happen again that's the whole point of trying to bomb us back to the stone ages so that they can do another prehistoric war yeah and that's that about that man that's so true if they brought back if they used DNA to bring back neanderthals they should put them in zoos and i would go every day yeah to go see the neanderthal yeah but what if they like when you feel a little bad if they like spoke english and why no like movies buddy i have a tv show for you Wait, what TV show could this be? Geico Caveman, the show. Wait.

I think I will watch that with Nick Kroll. Didn't it get canceled? It got canceled because it was so bad, and it's also like one of the most racist shows in television. What is racist? I never understand. People, I've heard that before. What is racist about?

Every joke in it is like, you know, you know they're only saying that because they think all cavemen have big dicks, right? It's all just shit like that. Oh, interesting. Oh, okay. Yeah, I could see how. that would not be

I mean the thing is they made it for a caveman audience which they didn't give a fuck about anything no no no oh the monkey hat's coming off whoa the war inside you the man evolved evolution this hat is so

uncomfortable I hated wearing it for the moon one but that's what I when I was a kid I said the word evolution for Pokemon because I thought that's what it was and I wasn't corrected until I was 18 when I was talking about Pokemon. Every story you tell us about you

growing up, now that I've heard a lot of them, I feel pretty comfortable in saying that you were not the brightest kid. I was not, I'm still not very well read. I don't know what a lot of stuff means. I was in, well, I was mostly for math classes, but I was in

special ed math classes. Did you have any cavemen in there? There was one kid that could have been a caveman. Really? Yeah. Crazy Brow Ridge? Yeah, crazy brow. He smelled. He smelled like fire and brimstone. He always was painting on the wall. Did they...

He always find stuff around the classroom and paint on the wall. Paint a picture of what he found. Yeah, yeah. With an arrow to where he found it. Painting the pencil sharpener and drawing like an arrow and doing like footsteps like five paces this way. Yeah, he painted a pencil and then painted a, then with the pencil drew a picture of the teacher's desk.

Yeah. That's what it was. I think, you know, it's one thing to talk about this shit. Of course. It is. It is. It is, you know, but... I told you I was in a class called Math Concepts, right?

Yes, many times. And it was about measuring spoons or something. That's awesome. They taught us math through cooking. That's all... I mean, that works. That's most of math that you use, I guess. Yeah.

I still don't remember any of it, though. The only thing I use math in is gambling. Yeah. can't even do that. I mean, you saw all my, I lost it for I spent, I spent $15 dollars on the Super Bowl. I lost 15 bucks. You didn't get a single fucking hit. I hit anything. Damn. Not even, not even mine. No. I, oh, I bet my last dollar and I let Cameron bet it. My last dollar. I bet. I bet. I let Cameron bet it. My last dollar. I think I could have cashed out and it would have been 43 cents. And then you said hold. Oh, hold the line.

I didn't say shit. You said hold the line. I did not. I promise you I didn't. I didn't. I You said hold the line. I did not. You said they're going to come back. There goes your gambling street. You're completely lying. You're so, he's literally completely lying.

Why would he lie? Because I didn't say that. You said hold the line. He feels bad that he lost his money. I did not say that, bro. You're starting a war right now. You said to hold because it'll cash out 126. I did not.

That is something you said to me. You always do this. You say something to me. And then you say, oh, you told me this. But at the time, did you look? I wasn't even part of it. You didn't even say it to me.

You said it to Caleb. I remember this now. You were showing Caleb Betton. You said, yeah, I should hold because it could cash out $1.26. And I was not even involved in the conversation. This is a margarita-related accident.

Yeah, this is a margarita. Again, another common cause of many wars. Yeah, margaritas. A couple of miserables and you start a war and destroy millions of lives. We almost just started a war, but thank God. The tensions are rising. We knew.

Do you think we can make it through five weeks without getting into a full-blown war between each other? I don't know. basically no chance. It's not possible. There's no chance. I'm already readying my defenses. Look how much we fought just now over such a tiny

thing. 26 cents. First of all, yeah, exactly. That's nothing. And first, and look at this. I'm trying to interlock fingers with him and he wants to strike me. And if I was a war photographer, this would be an amazing photo. Is the cockedback fist in the hand trying to stop it? That would be like that guy getting

shot in the head in Vietnam. That would change the world. That would change everybody's perception of this war. Why didn't the cameraman step in? that's what I would have put me instead I would have if I was that guy I would have well if I was a dude getting shot I would have dodged it but if I was a cameraman

I would have jumped in front of that bullet that's a good way to go and then that would have been an even more powerful photo is the photo on the ground the selfie he takes after he took the bullet for the guy and he's like pointing at the hole in his chest

can you imagine the Instagram story you would get to post right after you get shot. Oh, that way, this is a great idea. We don't have one this week, but from now on,

I will make sure that I have an Instagram story from every war. An Instagram story from every war. That's what they do for the, like, sixth grade where they're trying to get you to like pay attention. This is what it will be like

if Facebook is around during slavery. I'm going to be like a thing that was like, Slaver John. I love my slave. Yeah, that would be like enslaved. No. Didn't they do that?

They did that with animals. Frank. They do it with everything. They did that with Snapchat and Frank's Snapchat where she's like, yep, in the attic today. It's the only way they can think of to get kids to look at the look up at the screen. And so that's what we're trying to do here because we're educational. And I actually do what this is. The five weeks of war is when MLK was in Fortnite. This is the same exact thing. We're trying to teach the young kids. We have a trying to smuggle some knowledge into this humor based irrevering. Yeah. And I have a, I have a clip from a, uh, history, audio documentary that I'm working on. Really? Yeah, that is about different wars. And I'll show some clips throughout the whole time, but here it is. The Great Cavemen Wars. A fierce battle between Homo Neanderthalensis and Homo Sapien rages in a Eurasian mountain range,

somewhere near modern Uzbekistan. The war has been long and bloody, with thousands of casualties on each side, a staggering number in relation to the world's population at the time. This war has raged over thousands of miles and hundreds of battles, but our story finds us in a bunker, lit by an early fire. A glimpse into history, a tear in time. Let's listen in as two top strategists of the Homo Sapien Army. Discuss their species next move. Oogie boogie. Boogie. Boogie. Bug.

That was so amazing. History is awesome, and I hope war never ends. Goodbye until next time, I'm Peemer. Wow. On what? He said he's Pemer. That's his name. That's the guy.

The fucking caveman. He probably was Eminem's ancestor, maybe. I don't know what it's similar. I don't know what voice actor they hired for the documentary. You know, I'm just a producer. but yeah we're coming out with that that's a project once I got cut out of the porosos thing I was like I need

like listen I love you guys I need my own independent thing yeah you know so I know I'm working on this documentary we have a lot of really cool people involved big names so stay tuned for the next episode I'm super super excited but isn't that amazing to be able to just see a glimpse into I mean he says it perfectly

a tear in time you know he said a tear in time well because it's he said it so perfectly He said it, well, it's his accent, actually. A tear and time. A tear and time. But seeing, just being able to glimpse just for a moment until actually what it was like. Because we can stay here and speculate all day about who, what bone went into what guy. But then when you hear it, when you hear the pain in those words, I mean, one of them said, I believe it was a boogie bug bug bug.

Yeah. Which I can, I don't speak Spanish. But whatever that was was really, really amazing. Yeah. It was more powerful. It's like when you hear, it's like when you hear Andrei do the prayer, you know, and he's going, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or it's like if you, when you visit, you visit Mexico, you see a young child get hit by a car, you hear the anguish screams of his mother holding him in his arms. You don't understand what she's saying, but you can understand that she's sad.

Yeah, because it's like ha ha ha, ha, versus ja, ja. They have their own painful cry that isn't, ah. Exactly. Speaking of war and stabbings and stuff like hurting from war, every single language has. has their own version of ouch. Really? Every single language says, ouch,

a different way. Okay, for example, what's the one for China? I don't remember, but I think, I think it was Korean and it's like,

ayah or something, or Iyo. So do Chinese now? I don't know that one. And now do Japanese. I think Italian was like, okay, now do Korean or something.

But they all have a different word for, I think it is true that they're, I think the one in Spanish is like I. Yeah, it's I. That's what it was. I chihuahua. You go like,

if you hurt yourself. Yeah. I've heard people say that before. And I've been like, I think I'm going to steal that. And then there's this one. I say I sometimes. There's an African country.

I forget which one. Africa. But there's an African country that has a version of bless you for when somebody gets hurt. Oh, that's good. So they have a word. So if you get like, if you get a paper cut and you go like, well,

their version of ouch, they have a bless you for that. I just watched this movie the other day called the Ghost in the Darkness. where Val Kilmer is a bridge builder and he gets sent to Africa and they never say what country he's going to do he just is always like, I'm going to Africa I'm so excited to go to Africa

and they always say Africa, they never say the country and he has an evil like supervisor guy he has like a really mean guy who's sending him on the project and they convey that the guy's mean and evil because he gets off the like train to come to this camp in Africa and he goes, I hate Africa and then it shows it does it insertion out of an African

guy looking at him like, disapprovingly. He says, I hate Africa? It's the first thing he says. It might not be the first thing. He says something and then he says, I hate Africa.

And then it shows the guy, go like, well, that must mean something even worse in that language. Yeah. If that guy has no idea what he's saying,

but he's still disappointed. But they're fighting lions. Whoa. Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas have a war against lions. Man versus animal. Man versus animal. Oh my God.

We could do a whole episode that is just breaking down different types of... Different types of wars. Man versus animal is the caveman wars as well. Yeah. Well, that's today then. I mean, the woolly mammoth. And I mean, also Neanderthal is what I meant. But yeah, I mean, they also fought, I mean, anything like giant owls to Yoshis.

They did not have giant owls. Yeah, they had giant owls. Guardians of Gahoole. The Guardians of Gahoole. That is not in a caveman world. That was in caveman times. Guardians of Gahoole was in Kuhul. Gahoo. Gahul.

Gahul. There's an apostrophe. Gahoole. No, it's not Gahoo. That's a different place. Guardians. The guardians of G. Guardians.

Guardians. Of. If. No. It's sort of a guardians. Guardians. Of. No.

Of. There we go. Gahul. Gahul. Thank you. Thank you. You did it. Okay.

That was not a caveman era thing. That was a wizarding era. I think it was. Well, at the very least. Well, Why would it be CGI if it was they could have had real people in it if it was in modern

day? Because it was fucking talking birds, man. You can make a bird talk. I've been watching a lot of... Talking guardians. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, they're guardians. They're guardians. I've been seeing a lot of videos of birds and speak. You know what would be so fucked up about the caveman, dude? The caveman Times. What?

Them big bugs. Yes. Fuck those big bugs. Every time I go to any kind of history museum and I see that huge centipede dude, I don't want I don't want to go to that out. They don't have those in Vietnam.

They do have those in Vietnam. I just, no. Not that big. They do. It's gone. It's gone to our time. I watched a video about giant centipedes the other day. I don't remember anything about it.

That is the most disgusting thing that is ever existed. A bug is gross. There was a time before cavemen when it was basically just bugs. The carboniferous period. And during this time was when the earth was all, all the land on the earth was just swamps. What was there was? Frogs and bugs was the rulers of the earth. that crazy?

The war between frogs and bugs. This is literally baked in. They're both around. The cartoon war that you see in books like the far side and movies like a small portion of Looney Tunes episodes, frogs eating bugs. This is baked into the earth of DNA. By the way, Gary Larson, I'd like to tip my hat to you, you may be the only mainstream news outlet that has covered the caveman wars to any degree.

Oh, yeah. You are the cavemen go. They were in the caveman times, the newspaper. Oh, okay. They were in the Caveman Times newspaper. That's making more sense. I was like, okay, yeah, Caveman Times is who we're talking about. But you were talking about it in the newspaper where every single,

ugh, bug, bo, bo, boo, pooh, pooh. You know what's an amazing, you know, in preparation for this, in preparation for this, I watched a movie. Because I watched Land of the Lost. Oh, which was the, with Will Farrell. Okay, I thought you were talking about this, the original one, the Sid Marty Croft one. The fuck are you talking about?

The one that it's based on. The original one, yeah, Danny McBride. Was that original a movie or a TV show? Yeah, so... It actually looks dope. Anyway, the bug thing, he gets attacked by a giant mosquito, and it drains him of all of his blood, and then he grosses out the girl.

Yeah, that's horrible. I watched the worst movie I've ever seen in my life about cavemen before I even knew we were doing the cavemen. That's amazing. I went to the theater, what was it called? It was called Out of Darkness. Yes. I went to the theater.

I went to see it because I saw it in AMC, and you know how AMC has the thing on the... When you go to watch a movie, like, say if it's like a Japanese movie, It says like Japanese spoken with English subtitles above it. This movie I saw is about caveman and it said on the thing. The reason I decided to go is because it said artificial language spoken with English subtitles. And the whole movie they were speaking made up caveman language.

What did it sound like? That's sick. It sounded, it just sounded. It didn't sound cavemany. They were just like, it did. The guy doing the speed reading on the. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounded like a Lord of the Rings language. But it was a bad movie. Basically, they were being stocked by this monster. And I thought, oh my God, they're going to show a diamond. It turns out that monster was another type of human. Turns out humans, then they go to the humans cave, they kill him. So, okay, so first of all, this human has been hunting them, destroying, ripping off their skulls and jaws and killing them, completely ravaging, destroying their bodies. Most evil, vile thing you've ever seen a human dude another human.

They followed this guy back to his cave and they kill him because he's a serial killer. And then they go and they also kill his mother. And then it's kind of rude. And then she's like, and then she looks around. She goes, oh my God, she realizes in this cave, they have sleeping bags just like the other cavemen do. They were, in fact, the people that they were brutally, savagely murdering and ripping the shreds and causing great suffering for no reason, they honored their dead by putting rocks on top of them. So they actually cared deeply for the dead, even though they were serial killing them and basically mangling them. She thinks, oh my God, they were just like us.

Am I the real monster after all? And the guy, the son, the kid that they kidnapped to take away and maybe cook into a stew or something, turns out. out there trying to save him because the caveman dad was abusive. An abusive caveman dad is named Adam and the mother is named Eve. What the hell? And then at the end of the movie she's going to, she climbs out of the cave

and she climbs up a mountain. And also she just killed another guy for no reason. That she climbs up. The kid that she rescued that got kidnapped goes like, so what do we do now? She turns back, looks down to the mountain. She says, we try again.

What does that mean she's going to try with him? Yeah, she's going to bowing this kid. What the hell? What the hell? That's really the end of the movie. It's literally maybe the worst movie I've seen in a theater. It's a sequel. We're going to try with this little boy.

It's a sequel to Caveman starring Ringo Star and Dennis Quaid. Really? I had no idea. And that's a sequel to Year 1. Yeah. Oh. It's probably closer to year one. Jack Black, I would put money on Jack Black having a higher than average.

Neanderthal. I think every Neanderthal. all was walking around Jack Black style back. Yeah, that was that we had Oog, Oog, Ong, O'G, and they were like, ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, waka, how. They, even before guitars were invented, they were going, Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was their war crime.

Dude, that would be so fucking scary. You get all of your, you have all of your bone armaments, and you get in a big line to do the cavemen war. Here comes over the hill, 5,000 Jack Blacks. Oh, my God. Did they all stage dive onto you? Dude. From the high ground?

Exactly. Oh my God. The stage dive would be so terrible. That would scare the fuck out of me. They're all walking around playing a frog. That had to be. There had to have been multiple battles in the caveman wars that were settled by someone jumping onto the other person. Yeah.

Just squashing them. We're wearing a suit of rocks and jumping on someone. That was how they executed people. Yeah. I am a rock man. suit and just going a stone suit would be so a stone like mech suit but it doesn't

have any functions it's just for jumping onto something. That's essentially what Juggerna does. He could have just thrown a rock on him I guess. Except Juggernaut is strong. He's also strong. This guy would not be strong in a tall suit. He's also strong but he's made of rock. What size were humans back then? He's not made of rock. He's made of rock hard muscle. Skin. Skin and bone but his suit is a

complete stone and he can't be hurt. His suit is not stone. His helmet maybe is metal. His body, his chest. Well, his body is Isn't it like a ruby or something? It's some kind of thing and Professor X can't get his mind into it. Can't get his mind off. And he's also his brother or something. You think that Professor X was trying to get his mind into his chest?

No. Is Magneto gay? Magneto's actor is gay. Oh, that's what I'm thinking of it. Magneto acts gay, but he isn't. Sitting in a wheelchair. That's Professor X. Oh my God, we can talk about the age of apocalypse, bro.

It's all the same guy. It's all the same guy. No. Prove to me that those are. not the same guy. It's Ian McKellen, Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart. So, okay, one similarity, sir. Sir is, yeah, not really. They're both

Seres. They're both knights. They're both been knighted. That's crazy. X-Men has two knights in it. Yeah, that is. That's kind of awesome. Yeah. And that's got to be the only movie servers. They're not really enemies as much as they are friends who have a disagreement. Which isn't that all wars? A friend who has a disagreement. Oh, wait, was the guy who played Count Duku a knight as well?

Christopher Lee he was Sir Christopher Lee was okay so I think so I think he got knighted and he got knighted towards the end of his life good for him

yeah he was he was a well he was Dracula he was a well he was Dracula he was obsessed with the gothic stuff he was a metal musician

he was like a secret agent he killed people yeah I saw the thing that was the classic Lord of the Rings backstage how he was the ones who knew what people

yeah he was like no it doesn't sound like this yeah he's like they don't sound like ah they go like oh my god crap they go

save me Oh, yeah, crap. My family. Stabbed. Stabbed. Stubbed. That'd be a good... That'd be awesome to have a veteran on a movie like that.

Yeah. Like, no, no, no. When someone gets shot, they don't go, ow. They go like, what the crap? Oh, wow, that hurt so bad. Jesus. We brought in an expert to make sure that all the reactions were very... Yeah, he's just going around and be like,

you know, like, it's a giant battle scene where it's like the homes deep. Everyone's getting stabbed, like, left and right. There's a million people dying on screen. And it's like, well, just so you know, when people die, they void the entire condens of their bowels. Yeah. You have to be shitting themselves whenever they die. The ground would be covered in shit.

Peter Jackson's trying to explain it to him. Yeah. So many people. It's an Urukai. They're not going to shit. No, they're not going to shit. They're born from shit. They shit because they eat.

Do you think that they poop food? No. They do kind of are a little bit reversed people. They're opposite. it would be food. Well, not in the hair way. No. But that we've talked about before,

but in the way that it's... They are waste that becomes human. They like nasty crap. Yeah. That's not reverse to like nasty crap. No, but that's part of being a person as you can like nasty crap.

It doesn't make you reverse. It makes you in, it makes you non-human if you like crap. If you like poop, if you eat poop, if you're in a scat. That's not the, they're from it. They're from poop.

That's not like poop. It's slime. No, poop is slime. Okay. Oh, very interesting. Where does a slime come from? Your butt. Probably from... Their ass. Not from their ass. They're born from butts. They're born from butts. That's also nasty.

Yeah. So this is still a disgusting thing. Okay, whatever. They get... But they don't eat poop. They eat poop. That's not part of their thing. They literally is in the original text. It's not in the original text. The original British version in the original language. No, no, no, no, no. They eat poop. They eat poop because it's their arm. And they eat their own arms. they don't eat each other

what you're saying now is not making any sense the orcs eat each other in that one scene where Pippin and Mary run away right meets back on the menu meets back on the menu they're made out of poop

they're not made out of poop why does that prove it they are eating waste and a man if the if the orc is waste if you die your poop no if the orc is made of waste and they eat him they are eating waste orcs aren't made of waste

they're starting to disagree with you because you're getting so schizophrenic with your arms argument here. No, no, no. The Urukai or poop. Let's go back to the slime. Yeah.

The slime is the proof. The slime is the proof that they eat poop. But they eat the guy who's made of slime. His argument made more sense than yours. No. Just because there's slime around. Oh, okay. Well, riddle me this.

If you were in a puddle of slime and you came out gasping for your first breath, you'd get a little poop in your mouth. It's not poop. It's slime. Well, slime. If it's slime mixed with poop. That seems so awesome when they have the slime on their face and they're going, yeah dude imagine doing that to i would they should remake that movie with a like a bunch of like

sydney swineas and stuff climbing out of the slime just as a scene that i can have damn i would love to be the guy putting the white handprint on the sydney swanies we should do a mr slime where it's all the times anytime an actress has been covered in disgusting i guarantee that that is already already exists there's no way that does not it's probably called the gunge database there's fully to find funny slime and gunge pictures before I've definitely stumbled on stuff like that

really yeah the matrix coming out of the thing do you think that that fetish is directly correlated with the Nickelodeon kid choice awards like the way it's the same way

furries and diaper stuff it's all what you see in your kid Brittany Spears got covered in the slime and it ruined a lot of lives is what you're saying Katie Perry

Katie Perry got covered in slime she got blasted in the face with slime green violently why were they blasted they blasted her hard They went, they went, I understand why they toned it back with the slime. Yeah.

It was getting fucking crazy. The amounts of the way that they blasted Katie Perry, it looked like it actually hurt. Yeah. It was unrealistic. Nobody could make that much slime. Speaking of K.P. You ever seen the music video for, is this a song you're playing right now? No.

Part of me, the music video for part of me. She enlists in the army. No, I haven't seen. This is the craziest music video. I don't know what that song is about, but I know it's not about the. army. But Katie, that music video is just like an inspiration. It's Katie Perry. Uh, there it is. She cuts off all her hair and then joins the army. She does G.I. Jane. She does G.I. It's a G.I. It's a G.I. Jane music video. And there's no reason for her to be in the army in this song.

Dude, imagine you're in that helicopter and you've just been like looking down a picture of your family. You look up. Katie Perry. Katie Perry is right there. Katie Perry. You're like, all right. Well, I'm not making a home. Yeah. This is my supervising officer. Well, I think I will die. This is the person who's higher in command than me. I'm fucking dead. But then she goes out and then nobody wants to shoot her. She's Katie.

She's got a necklace of teeth. And if you... Children's skulls just wrapped around her. She's the most sick of... And if you remember from the California Girls music video, she had... She has a whipped cream bulletproof vest. Uh-huh.

And she's shooting... And that whipped cream is acidic and it's shooting out of people. Take a shower. Wash that shit off. Get that cream off. Get that to your girl? First of all that it's disgusting.

You're going to be sticky as fuck, you're going to get ants everywhere. Second of all, I'd rather see you naked. I don't want to have sex with your body. You're covered in whipped cream. Yeah, what that does it? That's doing nothing for me. Again, the ants are going to be a real problem. I'm getting ants or biting me

while we're having sex because I got whipped cream crawling in your pee hole. That was, what was it? That was poisoned back in the time of the cavemen. Yeah, that was how they assassinated people. They would put ants in the people into their room. Yeah.

They just pray that it, crawled somewhere. It's the slugs from attack of the clones. What a big ant? Go in your ear? Yeah. They said the caveman

walking up to a cave with a giant ant just running away. They do the thing and they take a wasp with a jar and they just put it there. What was the

there had to have been a Franz Ferdinand event that's kicked off the caveman wars, right? Yeah. Well, this is all speculation. No,

it's not. It's true. It's true. A coconut being dropped from a great height 10 or 15 feet onto a guy.

Oh, my God. Something like that, the full assassination. Or somebody caught up. But he misses the coconut, but then later he's at a cave, a coffee cave. And then he sees, oh, here comes Mr. Franz. A cave. Ooh, that's good. That's really good.

Because that isn't that what happened with Franz Ferdinand as they tried to kill him the first time? And then he was like, all right, I'm going to leave and go hide in a cafe. I don't remember. And then he drove by the cafe. And he was like, oh, snap, that's a guy I was supposed to kill. Pop, pop. I think he was in its car. You guys need to,

just everyone listening to this needs to be a lot more aware of secret messages in popular culture because I bet you'd never even consider this before but that song that we've all heard on the radio

a bunch of times is literally called Rans Ferdinand Take me out as in kill me Oh, take me out, shoot me assassinate me Start a war

Maybe it was to take me out to the cafe so I don't get a shot. No. Take me out. What song are you? I don't even know this song. Take me out.

I know something so you say you don't know. If you haven't heard this song, that's the craziest thing I've ever. I've never heard that song. You've heard this song. I swear to God, I've never. This is the one song that everybody on Earth has heard. Is it new? No.

Is it not new? It's old as old. It's from caveman times. It's from World War I. Wait, sing it again. Who sings it? I say, don't you know. Franz Ferdinand.

You say, you don't know. I say. Who sings it? Franz Ferdinand. Oh. Take me out. That's the name of the band. Maybe you guys are just bad at singing and I know it.

You for sure know it. You know this song. It's possible I know it, but you guys are not doing it justice. You were busy listening to Perry Grip. Play. Take me out by Franz Ferdinand. I ain't got no iPhone. Ain't got no iPhone.

That was fire. Perry Grip had heaters, man. Do you like? Are we going to get copyrighted? You don't know this. What? I've never heard this. This song was in every commercial

and every radio station. I've never heard of it. That's crazy. This can't have been like a huge song. This was like the song. It was in Madden 05. This was in everything. I didn't play Madden.

I was an NBA 2K man. I would always play with the sound. We don't need to play the song again. You can close this. We don't need to hear the song because then we maybe would get copyrights. Well, I've had the, I got the drums from Nine Inch Nails on that song. It doesn't matter. Nine Inge Nish Nails made caveman music.

No, it was Ugg. It was Uggler. Trit Reisner is kind of a caveman name. It is. Trent. Trud. Reisner. Or a robot, I guess.

Yeah. Okay. We are going on tour. Going on tour with doing some sketch stuff. With the world's biggest army. war faction. That's a war type of name. It seriously is.

This is the biggest war of the world nowadays. Wouldn't it be crazy if on the 10th episode World War III breaks out? That'd be awesome for us. It's pretty cool. Boston is the first one coming up. And is that, wait, when does the five weeks of war end? Don't know. Five weeks from now.

The first day of the tour. No, I will, I think. I think it will be over by, well, I have no idea. What day is five weeks from now? Oh, shit. You're pulling it out. It's Tuesday, the 19th of March. Yeah, it'll be over before, yeah.

But it'll be a couple days before our first show in Boston on the 23rd. 26th. Shit. Just they're all, all the dates, all the shows, swag poop.com slash shows. Boston, Atlanta, Toronto, Chicago. What am I forgetting? Phoenix. Not Phoenix.

You're a sabotager. You don't want anybody. Atlanta? I said Atlanta. There's one I'm missing. Oh, bloody hell. Is that Chicago? Atlanta? You're missing Detroit,

Minneapolis. Right, but there's another world's biggest army should I feel like. The world's biggest army. Philly? Philly. Philadelphia.

Philly. Yeah, we're doing Philly. Yeah, anyway, all those cities we just said randomly. And if you want to hear the next episode of the five weeks of war, we'll be on the Patreon.

And should we announce what we're covering? We should announce what we're covering because people might just have to tune into this shit because this is going to be an amazing. So today we covered the first war of all time, the Caveman Wars. And on Saturday, on the Patreon,

premium episode five weeks of four day two will be not a war no we're going smaller in scale we will be covering the battle of thermopyla so and don't and for history buffs we'll know what this one is and if you don't just let it be a surprise because it's going to blow your mind yes okay good night i'm from a long lineage of pirates i've been deeply obsessed and and and with forming a connection with my great-great-grandfather, Peter Fetter. How are we going to do this?

I've been, I listen to music and I look at a picture of him. Wow. That's some Cloud Atlas shit. Whatever I'm listening to at the time. I thought I want to meet him. Cloud Atlas. Do you want to see him?

Show me that picture. Tell me Peter Feeder. Oh, wait, we do have a Ouija board. We do have a Ouija board. Peter. It'd be better if it was Petter. The Ouji Board is like, I want him to want him to turn to a demon or something.

Yeah. It doesn't turn you into it. He's either a. demon or he's not. No, you get you get sucked up by a demon that pretends it's him. Don't you think that me and him would sash so hard? Yeah. God damn. He looks good. Doesn't he look good as fuck? God damn, show the camera. He looks like the Pringles. You're the heir to the Pringle for you. Oh my God.

His wife, listen, no disrespect. She's a dog. Your great, great grandma. That is my great grandma. It was a complete dog. Can I see your grandma? I understand what I was doing with my life and why it's normal to be like I am. I didn't get a good look. Show him your grandma one more time. Why are you scared to show him? I was in the middle of talking to my great-great-grandpa.

She has a coconut head. This haircut. What's wrong with the haircut? What's my great-great-grandma you're talking about? Watch it. Dude, I mean, I don't know what else to say about her. What did you mean? She's beautiful.

Ew. Do you see the resemblance? What doesn't you? That's horrible. She's passed on. She looks like they were about to put Planner the Apes makeup on her. You can't say this stuff. That's my great-great-grandma.

She looks like she's halfway through a Plano of the Apes costume. Yeah, she looks like an animorph, second to last animorph. She does not look good, man. You're trying to tell me that your grandma was fire. Your great-great-grandma, you're trying to tell me she's fire. You know, she kicked Peter Fedder to the curb. Damn. He was a woman, I would hope so with that fucking wife at home.

He used to blow his entire paycheck on drinking and food and women. Is that way she looks like that? He womanized her? He womanized her.