Podcast About List - Ep. 279 - Five Weeks of War: The Crusades

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

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I just got a greeblin. I found it in the ceiling. I want to know what it is. Because I think I'm in love with it. Just got a greeblins. Smells like peat. Smells like some candy. Five Weeks of War

I was going to the other part of the verse Well, we'd be disgusting. Smells like pee and candy. I don't matter. You know what? I think I only heard the Shrek of this song. You know how there's some songs that you've only heard the Shrek parts of?

Yeah. The parts that are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're saying, what's the problem, baby? That song is so fucking fire. I've only heard the Shrek. That is probably the best song ever. I've only heard the Shrek parts of that. I've heard the Shrek parts of Funky Town.

I don't know how anything with the first... Where'd you find it, baby? I found it in the tub. Swimming in the top. Found the Griblin in the tub. This is a song about... A Griblin. A green goblin.

Well, we don't know what it is. A guy that's a grible. He never wrote it. He has no idea what this is. And he's maybe just like... Like, I mean, that was, if you found something and you fell in love with it instantly, of course, you're going to write a song about it. There's a baby in the tub, tub. Maybe, um, maybe.

Tub, tub, baby in the tub. There's a baby in the tub. Okay. Speaking of music, do you want to just get it out of the way or stop. You always do it so quick. It's barely, we have to do all of our time, 10 minutes up top about talking about nothing that nobody cares about. Well, we can talk about our wars, I guess. Okay.

What's your war? My war this week is a sad one because I don't have a war too deep... Wait, sorry, I don't want to interrupt you. I'm doing it, though. Can we... I kind of like the idea of us always introducing every episode with our wars, even past the five weeks of war. We've been doing that, though. We do that we always have a war...

Everybody's always waging a war. I do actually have a new development in one of my wars that I guess I can... One of your wars, I don't... I have a lot of wars going at all times. You're so fucking rich with war. That's completely something about me. Yeah. But my war this week, unfortunately, is that my body...

has declared war on me. Oh, yes. And I've been, and has been trying to get everything out of me. It doesn't want me to be strong. It doesn't want me to sleep. It doesn't want me to be, to have anything, to have any happiness in my life, except for doing this podcast. You had a full life ruination being off of one gainer, my first ever weight gainer, protein shake.

Yes, it made me, I ate, I drank it. Would you mix it with? Just water. Okay. There's your, there's your problem. You got to mix it with milk. no it just has more calories that might even be

that seems like it would be way worse I think I probably had too much of it is most likely the problem which I mean which I okay so here's a war yeah hey GNC make the serving smaller for guys like me yes so you can make the serving

smaller yourself right but if it says one serving I should be able to trust it it's not going to make me puke they should have a little thing on the label I don't I don't look at I don't know numbers I look at the thing it says how many grams

do I look like a guy who counts calories you look like a guy Do I look like a guy who counts calories of nutrients? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. I don't.

What do you mean? How do I look like a guy who carefully tracks? What kind of food goes in my body? No. You're a Donis body. Put these on. Well, now you look like a nerd if you put those on. Even on your finger, it looks like you're a nerd with glasses.

You look like your guy that counts for sure. Yeah. But GNC, you shouldn't be making a product that has any, that's even possible for someone to throw up. Jeffrey Dahma. Make it, make it magnetic. First of all, for your protein shake, here's my new pitch. You make a magnet that goes into your stomach, a shirt that has a magnet that goes around in your belly button area,

which is where your stomach is thinnest. First of all, that's a little science for you, something you don't know anything about, GNC. And then in your protein powder, you should put in iron filings. And then once you drink it, the protein stays in your fucking stomach instead of coming out of it because it's attracted to your belly button. And here's my, here's my beef with you, GNC. why do you look like you are a car company?

Yeah, and hey, do you and see what's that stand for? Gastrointestinal issues for Cameron? Yep. Yeah. It could and it does look like a car company. It really was so fucking terrible and horrible. I'm sorry you had to pooped. And it was, it was so terrible.

I haven't puked in a while. What flavor is it? It was strawberries and cream. You know, if you got it, which I mean, that's your fucking problem here. Because I was going to make smoothies with it. I figured I don't want to have like. chocolate and a fruit smoothie. They should just make it plain flavor.

I know, but I was like, you know, what? I'm sure it could, I'm sure they, anyway, the taste of the actual thing was not that gross. Everyone kind of, I've never had anything like that before. Everyone kind of probably like, oh my God, it's so disgusting. It's actually, but it's normal.

It just tastes bad. It's just like, oh, it just tastes like you're drinking something that doesn't taste that good. That's fine. People are babies, I'm discovering. Well, I was telling you that because I was trying, I wanted. I'm not even talking about you. I just mean in general, that's how everyone talks about it.

I just wanted, because you've never had anything like that before in your life, I wanted to make sure that you were prepared to be mentally strong enough to drink the whole thing. I'm always mentally strong enough to do something like that. That's easy. There's nothing easier. I don't think, no, because what I know about your diet is that it's mostly toast. That's something that you like to make up. I don't think that's what I make up.

He eats beef, beef jerky. I don't eat beef jerky. I mean, he doesn't eat beef jerky. I don't eat it regularly. I don't know. I usually eat chicken. I eat some ground beef sometimes. I eat pasta.

I don't eat anything crazy. I always, it's your dad whose favorite food is toast. How do you mix up Cameron and my dad? Well, it's pretty easy to do that. My dad, uncle toast. I may have a weak stomach, but I don't let it control my life. Instead, I go around puking and diarrheaing in people's bathroom.

Exactly. That's right. Show him who's boss. Exactly. That is actually alpha. But anyway, my other, my development on my war, which, uh, I was just going to do this without even publicizing it, but I feel like this maybe is worth sharing.

I had decided I made a decision. So I was out of town over the weekend too. And I made a decision. I was telling my mom about how mad I was about that Thursday crossword. Yeah. I remember this shit. And I decided. And she was like, why don't you?

And this literally changed my life. She said, why don't you write the editor of the crossword a letter? Whoa. And I am going to start making letterheads. and I'm going, every time something pisses me off from now on, I am going to cleanse myself with the frustration by handwriting a letter and mailing it to them. To the father-son duo. I'm going to mail it to the father-son duo.

I'm going to mail it to the father-son duo. I'm also going to mail my hokas, my shoes that are falling apart. I'm going to mail a letter to them because I had them less than a year. They're falling apart. That's unrued them well. That's fucked up. They're expensive shoes. We need this.

We need this.com. From the debt, from the medical office of Dr. Cameron, Fed. Yeah, that's going to be the letterhead. That holds some weight. I think that I literally, I literally, I literally, I got. I set a reminder because I was going away. I was in the car, like, going to, going away. And I set a reminder on my phone for today to say,

write a letter to Will Shorts the editor in the New York Times. And it just popped up like 20 minutes ago. So I'm going to go home and do that. But that's what I'm excited to do about my war. We need a .com tie in, right? Send us some money. Yeah. And it'll be Cameron's letters.

And it'll be a new segment on the show every week where you read your letter. That is about to go out to the editor. What? Every week you send a complaint. complaining letter to somebody. Yes. I mean, it's not going to, the thing is, this is, this is, this is for me. I'm not, I'm not doing new rules.

And I don't, most of these letters, I feel like are probably are not even going to be worthy to be shared. Most of these letters are probably going to be very, very genuine. Yeah. I think. I mean, these are just things I'm actually mad about. I need these people to know I'm mad at them. Well, dude.

Isn't that incredible? Hit us up. That is an incredible. Cameron has some beef. That's, that's like also just the perfect, like, no free ads. Sorry? No free ads. Oh, no.

We're not, no, no, no, we had no free ads. We're going to say bleep.com. We're going to say bleep.com. When you start sending these letters, will you send one of that bastard who has the name that with the anti-gay slur in it from the New York Times? Yeah, yeah, change your name. Change your name, son. What's his name?

I mean, ideally, I couldn't even whisper this name. His name is Joel. Joel. Oh, yeah. Don't go around having that name. But this is literally something where it changed my life so much where my mom said that. And I went like, oh my God, this is something I should have been doing for, like, like 10 years. This is like so, this is at the core of my being.

And your biopic, this is going to be, this is going to be my calling. This is what I'm going to be famous for. In your, in your biopic, it's going to be like, uh, and catch me when you would catch me if you can when Tom Hanks realizes that, uh, his name is Barry Allen. He's like, oh my God, he's a fucking kid. Dude, it's going to be like, dude, my absolute an 88 year old guy. My dream is that I get Matt, I get sent enough of these letters that somebody gets him and goes, oh, fuck, it's this guy again. Oh, God, what did I do? I pissed him off again. Yeah. You know what?

It could call the biopic about you, man. What? Letters to the editor. Mail Karen. Because you're developing into a male Karen. I'm a proud of Karen. M-A-I-L Karen. This is male-caron behavior. You cannot be complaining about things. We do not do that. It's not a complaint.

It's not a complaint. It's a declaration's a war. It's not a complaint. Sending a complaint is complaining. It's not a complaint. How is it not a complaint? It's a threat. It's a letter to the editor. Then you're a male terrorist. Mail carerner.

It's a postal. Oh, that would be the biopic. Going postal. Wait, we should just do that as the segment. Going postal with Cameron Fetter. And it's about the letters that you've sent.

I don't want a segment. Shut up. Fuck you, man. Shut up. Then I'll do this. You guys are, I don't fucking gift you this amazingly beautiful segment.

And I do everything. You guys didn't gift me anything. I said a thing I'm going to start doing and you guys went, oh, it should be a segment. We came up with the whole thing. The whole thing was me and Pat coming on. And now you're complaining about it saying it's a complaint. Our beautiful capitalist brains thought of a way

to loop this into more money. How is it more money? They're going to send me free crosswords. They're not going to send you shoes. They won't send you shit. They're going to send you so much stuff. They're going to send you. You guys are going to feel like such idiots

when I'm swimming in it. You're going to feel like an idiot when you're swimming in glitter from a glitter bomb that they send you from Mark Robo. No way. First of all, I'm putting the return address of this office. And second of all, Patrick is the only person who checks the mail here. True. Patrick is going to open. But I would never open a letter address to you. That is a felony.

You would. No. Is it my fucking wife throws away mail all the time. No, actually, my wife is against my wife. Really? I'm doing an intermarriage war because my wife. That's similar to my word. Well, intramarriage.

Marriage war. Because here's why. my wife has started making fun of me because when I Google things I say how come instead of why and I didn't even think about that but apparently I will search

how come Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith instead of why or how come we do how come we do Imperial instead of metric and she said that that's did you say it into like a

like your Alexa no she's how come how come I said, how come you a robot? The way that people phrase their Google questions has always been so funny to me. It's always so funny to see someone take, see somebody like type in a thing

that's like perfect, like instead of and like Googling a word, like the definition of a word, typing in the word, like doing like, like, I don't know, we're like abolition. What does it mean? Like all is one thing. Like just like, like what are you doing?

All my Google searches sound like a caveman is trying to find. Everybody has their own style. would Google searches. And Google is smart enough that it's adapted. That's the, I remember back in the day, what it would be is the old person. Yes. Your grandma would use the computer and say, hello Google, why do birds wake up so early?

Thank you. And you make fun of it because you'd get no answer. Nowadays, that's how you're supposed to Google. Yeah. And if you type in something like the way I type in a Google search, which is like birds morning wake up. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I type. You don't get the answer. You get TikToks.

Brown Belt 36 size That's how I type everything in Brown Belt That's how you used to be supposed to type There was a data leak In the early 2000s Like 2004, 2005, something like that Data leak

Data leak from AOL What the hell If someone's a data They're on a date Or in a leak But there was a leak in 2006 Or something All of aOL search got like

posted like every single person's like searches and somebody went through and they found they picked the best ones dude I love selections it was like this guy looked up fantasy football mock draft 20 times and then the final search was can I butt fuck you are you sure this was real

wasn't there I think so there was some news story what I don't think I was no because some of these searches were very sad There was something that was recently that was like somebody God, I wish I could pull it up I don't remember what it was maybe we can find it

but it was like someone like killed somebody in their car and Google like what happens if you are in this country and you kill somebody going this speed at this car like Googling the exact like every single detail

isn't that's what young thugs lawyer was saying not to do did you put out videos like that if I kill it like say I killed two people going 50 miles per hour in my car on the highway in Germany I would Google, I would be like, what if you are in Great Britain driving a bicycle and you tickle three people going 48 miles per hour in a driveway?

Yeah, I try to throw them off your tail. Change each detail just a little bit so it doesn't throw up any flags. If I kill anybody, my first Google search is Best Restaurants, Antarctica. That's the first thing I'm searching. Yeah. Because then they're going to be like, oh, well. Well, that's the problem. Google something like Best Restaurants, Antarctica,

what they're going to think is this guy is very intellectual. Or he's a penguin. He's very intellectual because he has an interest in Antarctica. He probably has a dark and clever mind capable of such a devilish crime. Best order Chuckie Cheese. Yeah, I'd search that. Oh, my God. Yeah, this isn't the one I'm talking about.

This is a classic. I mean, there's a million things like this. So it's like you kill somebody, Google. Can you throw away body parts? And the 10 ways to dispose of a dead body if you really need to. it's not legal to dispose of a dead body unless you really need it. Yeah, just if you really need to.

Yeah, I think that sometimes I search things and I'm like, yeah, I think that that could be that could probably be construed poorly if I killed somebody. I definitely have stuff like that from time to time. Just because sometimes you'll get curious, you'll say. Sometimes you've got to look up a song lyric, right?

Is it legal to have bones? You hear a song, you don't want to pull out Shazam or you don't pull out Shazam or you don't pull out Shazam. If you're searching the song lyrics, I just killed my wife, What do I do with the body? I live in Ridgewood, Queens. I put her in the dumpster right behind my house. By Tupac.

By. By. Exactly. I think it's my Tupac. And I think it's by Tupac. Reddit. End with Reddit. That's so funny to end your search for like a song lyric with I think it's by this artist.

That's a good way. That's a good way to get out of any single thing. Yeah. Lyrics. I think it's by this artist. It's actually a really. They're getting charged. Awesome song.

By Amine. By Amine. What happened? Is he around? He's going, man. I think he's still, I think he probably, I mean, probably the probably the reason he's not so popular anymore is because he

chose a very bad name. It's similar to anime. People get confused, most likely. True. And then people are looking at Spice Girl anime. You know who has a terrible name and who also isn't around anymore? And that is why I think, Mr. Mr.

What a horrible name. They'd probably still be on the radio if it wasn't for that name. You wouldn't like this next. band the the the band oh the band the band the mr mr or nirvana or the who because buddhist will be confused yeah by nirvana they'll be searching for nirvana trying to find the the find peace find peace and then they will eventually see a band yeah yeah and they see chris novoselic of um music religion religion speaking of religion this sorry i'm having a loci um low sugar I'm having a loathe.

I'm not having a loathe. I had very bad sleep because me and my wife fist fighting about this how come Google thing. I had a bunch of airport dreams last night. Really? Getting on airplane stress dreams. And I would think it was about torn. I had a dream that me and all my brothers had big muscles.

I'm not kidding. We met up and we were like, oh, look at us. We all three of identically large arms. That's awesome. Was that a cool dream? Yeah. This war is the Crusades.

Yes. Okay. The Crusades. The Crusades. Which, if you're not familiar with them. And let me guess, you probably think we're talking about some cookware. Oh. You fucking TikTok aesthetic-assetic-nors.

You're gay. We're not talking about an enameled thing today. Uh-uh. We're talking about the crusade. Welcome back to the five weeks of war. The war rages on. Yes. Another casualty.

Welcome to the past. What? Oh, that's good. You did that well. The five weeks of war... I saw a ghost. The five weeks of war continues on. The battle rages on.

This week, the Crusades. The ultimate fight between good and evil. I don't know why we picked this one. Talk about it, man. What do you mean why we picked this one? I don't know anything much about it. I know about my war. I read about a website page.

about four or five scroll bars worth of this while I was waiting to throw up so I didn't retain so much of it you just put it under the table you're fucking disgusting you were disgusting today what did you put under the table like you're right in front of me

I've done it before what that's so gross bro oh my god are you serious there's like five or six yeah war has been Declared Look under the table right now

No, no, from this side, from this side Look from the front Into the back It's pretty gross I didn't know what to do with them What the fuck is your problem, bro? That's actually so... That is gross, yeah

It's more than gross That's like I can get rid of them I can clean them That's insane War has been declared That's actually so crazy That is disgusting

Unbelievable You put them in your pocket And then I throw it That's his pocket. Yeah, I guess I could have put them in my pocket. I could have been putting him in my pocket. Your hands don't go in my pocket. We paid a lot of money for this table.

How much money? Like hundreds of dollars. Oh, well, I can clean it up. This is a big expensive table. And you're ruining it with the best table we've ever had. You might have been putting boogers under the table. That's like, that's like the tape.

Yeah, they could. They could be bugger. Check the tapes, bro. There's probably a bugger under there. We'll never be able to resell this table. We can resell it, but I hope. What was I even fucking talk? No.

It's really, uh, it's really, it's really too far. I can't believe you tried to do that right in front of me in the middle of an episode. You try to hide a, check the tapes, man. There, there, there's a few under there. I've been doing it for a while. You get, it's, it's, it's, it's never happens again. Yeah, this never happens. I was waiting to see when I get caught.

You are so disgusting today. This is, this is the picture of the kid in the Batman costume with a drawer full of pee. Yeah. This is the exact same level. You got caught. This is a three-year-old activity. I can't believe that you held a secret from us. You got caught live, live on tape on air.

That's clear. I've been putting them on, I just stopped carrying after a certain point. I've been putting them under there. Yeah, there's like 10 under there. Yeah. It's, I would throw up if I left them in. Then put them away. Why do you even do them if you're making you throw up?

If you keep them in for too long, you get nicotine poisoning. No, no. And that's a serious thing. It hits strongest at the beginning. No, because then you'd sit there and then it gets that like burn. Okay. I'm going to move, I'm going to, we'll talk about this. This can't be later.

I'm going to bring you into the bedroom, into the master bedroom. Well, if you go into the bedroom, don't lift up the pillow because there's going to be a pile of fingernails under there. No, it's toenails. I didn't know you were this kind of person. Yeah, that's really nasty. Yeah, you are, you know, I don't want to make you feel too bad where you kill yourself, though. So I don't really know what to do because that's really really really is repulsive. Yeah, it's pretty gross.

Okay, so. The Crusades. Yeah, we didn't really. I was pretty excited about this one because I didn't know. that much about. I bought a book. I also knew nothing about it. It was $18. I put out my Kindle and I was sitting in my bed reading it. Why are you buying Kindle books? Because I, let me put you on. I'm a hack for you. I will literally be your hacking warrior. For real? Yeah. You tell me any book you want. It's yours. On your Kindle. I'm just any, I mean, you don't have to

right now. I'll show you how to make a single book that I want. Think of some books right now. Purple crayon. Probably not because of the pictures. It's probably hard to get on. I don't care about the pictures. They have a Kindle exclusive called Harold in the black crayon.

Harold in the black and gray crayon. What other books do I want to read? But paying $18

$18 for a book on a Kindle is crazy. No, I paid 18 books. You had it right the first time.

I traded books. Yeah. I traded 18 books. You were trying to deflect because that's more money you should

spend on a paperback or hardcover book as well. It used to be I was fine with that because you could trade books

back in the Crusades times. I was fine with because I've been buying my groceries at Costco so I've become rich. You've been bragging about that.

Dude, I literally open my door, my door right now, and then walk through my door, go into my kitchen, open my freezer door. Okay. You'll see about 15 packages of pre-made beef stew that you just have to boil it in a bag, put it over some rice. Add some carrots.

I made some broccoli and some kale. I've been eating all this together with a little bit of rice. That sounds awesome. Man, that's good. That does sound good. Okay. Let's go through outfits. Okay, so this is Jesus Christ.

Yes, on my shirt. and so we're team Jesus and it also has kind of gothic medieval type text yeah we don't have to read what it says team team team holy Roman Empire over here yeah on the crusades in terms of the crusades hat hat with a horse great

great bloody violence oh I thought it was got godly god bible Bible Bible biblical violence and I have a monkhood on and well it's covering up my horse hat and they read horses back then dude this is so Byzantine Empire okay

Yeah. This is Byzantine? This is hella Byzantine. What about you? Well, you have a shirt that says world and life world. What is this? Oh, I know what he's doing. Oh, is he showing off his tattoo?

I don't got to wear a shirt that has God on it because I got him on me all the time. I put that on my skin. And a dragon. A dragon is what you're showing more. Yeah, you're showing the camera. Now I was to the camera. So I knew that I was fine on clothes and I didn't want to dress up like a Christian guy. Right. You're not dressed like a Christian guy right now at all.

No. No, I'm dressed like a homeless guy. No, the long sleeve under the t-shirt. You literally. You couldn't be a youth pastor right now. You're dressed like a guy first year of hardcore and he's still Christian and gets into being like straight edge. That's that kind of shirt. No, he would wear a button down.

No, you would. Yeah, he would wear that. Why are you being so mean to me? Yeah. I don't understand. This Zen buger thing got me all fucked up. Yeah. You're going to pin it on me right now?

Yeah. The Zen thing. That really was. Too far. It really has killed my... I wish that wasn't revealed on camera. It's killed my entire movie. You wish it wasn't revealed on camera.

Dude, your mom watches this show. Yeah, she's going to know about that. She's going to know that you... She's going to literally open up the kitchen cabinet and look under it, and you've been sitting there putting boogers and pubs under the kitchen cabinet. Why are you bringing it back to this? You were being mean to Cameron. I'm sorry, man.

You need to apologize to Cameron. He started being mean first, to be fair. I did not. We said it was just like a Christian. No, we are not having a crusade right now against each other. Why are we warring? Why are we warring? I knew this would tear us apart.

We said it week one. We said it week one that we would war against each other at some point. I would download any book for you and I would show you how to download them. And then that started a fight. That started it because then I said, I think, and then I said 18 books instead of $18. You did. And then you tried to lie and say you said $18. I know.

Well, that was more or less of a lie and again more of a joke. See, I don't think lying is funny. see we're communicating right now we're talking this out I don't want to do this shit I want to have a war In the Crusades Just talked it out

No they couldn't They could have just talked They couldn't They could have just talked about They spoke different fucking languages This is why wars happen Most of the time Maybe if they

Maybe if somebody back then And they didn't have They didn't have McDonald's Which I think has become The McDonald's rule About war or whatever There were basically Different arches

Which were the arches Of architecture St Louis Yes The arches of a mosque and a church Two different arches Two different arches Two arch enemies

Two arch nemeses Well how many people Was the Christians the Muslims? There were two people in the crusades It was the guy from Monty Python And then the terrorist puppet From Jeff Dunham From Jeff Dunham

But basically the Pope said We God was it Pope Urban? Pope Urban the second 1095 man Pope Urban sent them boys out He said, you guys got to go kill the Muslims. People said, why? And he said, well, it's due to our religion.

Yeah. So everyone went and did that about eight or nine times over many, many generations. And then after about, after maybe, you know, a hundred, however many years of like eight or nine crusades. Two hundred and two hundred. After about 250 years, people will say, hey, wait a second. Hey, what the hell we shouldn't listen to the Pope on. Dude. And that's the man.

The funny, it's the thing that I kept thinking when I was reading about, the Crusades. Oh, which again, I fell asleep reading the book. That's what I wanted to say earlier. Is that the, it literally is the South will rise again. That's like what the Crusades is. Yeah. It's like the Jerusalem gets taken over

and then like a bunch of like dumb guys who have farms are like, fuck that man, we're getting that shit back right now. And they just start heading down there and then they accidentally kill a bunch of people who had nothing to do. They're all so fucking stupid.

but none of them can read or march or do anything. It's just a bunch of guys all go. It's January 6th. Oh my God, you're right. It's the world thought of Europe as like Hicks. They were like, these guys are fucking idiots. It's so crazy that it also just fully destabilized the Middle East forever. Yeah, no.

We would live in a completely different world if it wasn't for just the Pope Urban, who might be related to Keith Urban. I think so. Yeah, who was Australian? Yeah, it could be. I mean, again, it's just. That's a crazy name for an Australian. Keith Urban. Yeah.

That is kind of crazy. It seems a little bit like... Keith Urban in Australia sounds like the name of a very controversial character from one of their TV shows. Exactly. Keith Urban, like, Australian S&L. I would think Keith Urban would be on one of those posters you see around the subway

that has like 5,000 different DJ names and it's hosted by Keith Urban. He has a pinstripe suit on. Just a big, like, in gold font. Yeah, yeah. And a crown on top of the eye, the dotted eye. Keith Urban. Oh, my God. But, yeah, the Crusades, I, you know, I wish I could have been a part of it.

Because I would have talked some sense into them. Right. And I just said enough of this jibber-jabber. Yeah, enough with this bull crap war. I would say, if we're going to do this, let's do it right. Yeah, yeah. Let's kill everybody so that nobody can tell the story. Let's follow the rules, is what I would have said.

Let's follow the rules of engagement. Is that what they're called? The Rules of War? I think the Rules of War. could be called the rules of war. I don't know what you would call the rules of war. But anyway, I would basically be there. I would be there saying, guys, first of all, we're going to be polite.

We're going to be organized. We're going to march in rank and file. No more of this mob, hoard. And we're only killing the men and the way. I don't want to kill you to take a shower once in a while. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine how good that would smell? Get that dust at your butt.

Cut those fingernails. A bunch of fucking Germans and friends. French guys. Get that dust out of your butt right now. Let me suck it out. Here, you know what? You want to do your song? We'll show this song that I found. The song that you've had, the archaeological discovery. This is an archaeological discovery of a song that I found.

Okay. What's it called and who's it by or are you revealing that? I just hit play. It's just a found song that was lost to time. Yeah, we don't know anything about it. Can you turn it up more on there, Julio? Let me tell you a little something about the Crusades, a war campaign in the middle. A holy war that lasted lots of days I'm done with the Crusades, they were very gay Stupid-ass wars, I don't even like them

I'm glad the Christians died of soldiers and pikemen I'd rather talk about dinner and ice cream Last night I had sesame ice cream It was really good at this restaurant A place so good would recommend to an haunt The food was so good atmosphere was exciting I couldn't believe all the food I was biting A five-course meal each plate was delicious

This restaurant was very ambitious Couldn't pay for it Had to wash the dishes Then that reminded me about the crusades That happened before we knew about AIDS Yep Those Christians need to chill on all of my Muslims Wish I could time travel in Muslim

The Muslims on the war because they were chill I bet they had a battle on a hill When I was a kid I had to take a pill Every single day when I would eat breakfast One time I sold a tablet on Craigslist To a guy who was clearly gonna flip it I was 14 when I did this Then the guy started talking to

of my mom about the election and Bron Paul. He tried to ask my mom about smoking pot. My mom doesn't do that. No, she does not. She said she smoked weed one time in the 80s. At an L.O. Cool Jay show, he loves the ladies. When did you say this was found? Back to the crusades. I mentioned that

they didn't know AIDS. They would fight every day with swords and blades. They did all of this because of religion. Imagine if God is just a giant pigeon. And he ate birdseeing and talked like creatures building. He lived on top of a giant building. Okay.

Anyway, the Crusades are crazy. I remember them, but my memory's hazy. Centuries old and I was born in 8080. I'm the oldest rapper ever. And my name is Century Trevor. Whoa, okay. Century Trevor. It's by Century Trevor, yeah. Wow.

So this is a guy who... This is one of the first recorded raps of all time. Well, we heard a caveman, one from BC times. We heard, yeah. And then also, it would have been by the same guy. Also, it can't be one of the first recorded. the raps when he was talking about Craigslist. So I had to be recorded after Craigslist and El Cool J.

I don't know what you're talking about. So maybe he was one of the first. Maybe he recorded this. This is kind of like a remix. Yeah, it must be a remix. A re-release. Like run DMC, walk this way. Yeah.

Or maybe it's like when Kanye West would like change all of his song, like all the songs after he uploaded them to streaming services already. So he did it 2,000 years later. Yeah, he uploaded it to Spotify back in in 1100. And then like, yeah. He uploaded it, but it did. didn't exist yet. Yeah.

So he didn't... So they just went nowhere. When they started the Spotify service, this was just already there. It was just... Somebody must have uploaded this off. It was like being friends.

It was like being friends with Tom on MySpace. It was already... Yeah, exactly. It's a goddamn U-2 album. Oh, fuck. I'm going to be started on that shit, by the way. We need to literally start a crusades about that.

Yeah. I would like to walk up to Bono's house and blow him up with a pipe. I hate Bono. I hate you two so much, except for this song. Hello, hello. Ola, I'm in a place called ready to go.

That's a great song. But the rest of these shit songs, fuck you, Bono. That's my parents' favorite band. I don't care that you. You gave 100 burgers to Africa. Shut up. Get out of my face. I fucking hate you, bitch.

We went on a road trip to Ohio when I was 17 or 18, and my parents' only album they listened to the whole trip was the new YouTube album from the phone. I've heard that album I've heard that album so many times in my life without my own not on my own volition I heard it

that shit was so crazy where like you couldn't even that you couldn't even delete it like it would just like do the thing where it was like oh you can re-download it but it's still in your library it's insane that they did that we should pay to have an episode put on those

Samsung smart fridges so whenever somebody gets water they just like as long as the tap is down they hear us talking. What if you could eat your poop? I'm fucking a bag. And then take it away. It's a good idea.

It's a great idea. Sure. We really need to hire somebody to just develop apps for every possible type of smart device. Did you hear that U2 song? Or what was the fucking... There's this video of Bono in the 80s

where somebody says like you two loves SF and they're playing in San Francisco and Bono thinks that the SF means Sinn Fane and in the middle of the song And there's the part in Sunday Bloody Sunday where they would just like, the band just plays and then he goes on a rant. Yeah, is he Irish?

Yeah, yeah. And he's going on a, he goes on like a three-minute rant. Goes on a three-minute rant at this guy holding up the sign that says U2 Hearts S.F. And he's like, I don't, what they're doing in Ireland is fucked up. You can't be waving a fucking sign that says, I love Sinn Féin.

And all you hear in the, you hear the do-dun, do-do do-do. He's just yelling at this one guy. And then later he's just like, I'm sorry, I did that. He switched to an American action. I forgot I'm in San Francisco. Dude, I mean, he's not like a rock star did drugs, right? He, no, no. I would fucking hope not.

His drug in the 80s. You can tell from their music. His drug is love. The drug that he got addicted to in the 80s was America. Then he made like two, I think, rattling home and the Today Show. And the Joshua Tree. All of those songs, all those albums, they were just like a new wave band. And then they were like, we're going to, we're going to be white blues musicians now.

And then they just made all these. That's one of the most noble professions. They went to Harlem of all time. They went to white blues musician. You got into Harlem? They went to Harlem and they recorded the song. Yeah, they let him in a red rope like a velvet. Yeah.

That's a VIP section. It's in the, it's in the documentary, uh, Rattle and Humb. It's a video of them like playing with BB King or something. I literally, I was rat on. understand my hatred. I have seen and heard every single thing that you two has ever released. Any, like

demos, like, fucking, like, my dad is like how deadheads are. Did you see the... But with you too. Have they seen them live at Lundstrom? Yeah. Oh, I, my first concert that... With you two? My parents took me to go see you two. Whoa. That's actually awesome. I didn't fucking...

It was on the 360 tour. The U2 Laser Light Show at the Planetarium at the Museum of Science in Boston. I bet my mind. I saw that. I bet my mom went on a weekend. I saw that. The Metallica Laser Light Show in... That sounds way better.

That laser light show would have been fire if it was a band that I knew or cared about. Yeah. If it was a band that had like songs that warranted a fucking laser light show. I mean, who... I don't even know how many bands... I mean, Pink Floyd, that's a good one to go to.

All I remember from the Laser Light Show, that would be a drug, yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, but then you're going there on... The YouTube Laser Light Show, all I remember from it is Sunday, it was Sunday, and there was like, they did a laser thing.

of a kid getting shot. Yeah. And then it was, she moves in mysterious ways and they did a thing of a woman dancing. Just the most like, oh.

Yeah. Because Sunday, that's about the troubles. And then like to go from a song, like their most famous song is a protest song about the troubles. And then their next most famous song is like,

Laura Croft is jumping. I want to become a famous band in the style of you too And I want our hit song to be called Bouncing Woman Yeah Batson woman She bounces like the light in above And the stars are coming Yeah

That's what every single new YouTube song sounds like They all like The rock stars are coming They all every single YouTube puts out a new song They put out a new album every couple years and every single song sounds like, it's like the new,

the new Hyundai Allantra is coming soon. They debut every song in a car commercial. Yeah, it's what it all fucking sounds like. And it's like you listen to the lyrics of the song and it's like, this song is actually a touching tribute to Joey Ramon. And it's like, yeah, all right, if Joey Ramon was like obsessed with mid-sized SUVs.

Yeah, I feel like he, I feel like Bono lives in a different, he lives in like Ready Player 1. Yeah. Or just everything is just different. cultural touchstones that he writes white will I am yes yes that's what he became

he doesn't know he's not a super genius inventor no no no he is very similar he's white will if if will I am was obsessed with yeah he's white I am if Will I am was obsessed with peace instead of microchips yeah instead of a tiny phone

yeah he is so important it is you got to give it a chance I fucking hate peace go crusades You've got to give peace a chance John Lennel Yeah I'll have some peace Yeah piece of war

Yeah Dude imagine how amazing the music was In the crusades When you're marching on that march Can I say one thing Where we can't play football Big big big house It's my father's house

Stab a Muslim In the stomach With a pike With a pike You're dead Speaking of John Lennon And I know that there is a You can hit warning

But I know there's a A ceasefire but the electrician said the most amazing quote of John Lennon to me when he was trying to explain to me. He was trying to explain to me why they couldn't get something done one day. And he went, you know, it's like John Lennon always says, sometimes you just got to say, hey, let's let it be. That is awesome.

Hey, let's let it be. Sometimes you just got to say. John Lennon said, hey, let's let's let it be. Sometimes you just, John Lennon once said sometimes you just got to say, Hey, let's let it be. And then, like, I think they wrote the song based up. You know who sings it? Yeah.

Paul McCartney. Yeah. Well, no, John Lennon say, hey, let's let it be. Yeah. Well, that's what he said when he says, they're going to play the song. Yeah. Hey, let's let it be. Let's let it be.

Hit it. He saw them lie. Yeah. He probably did. He saw them on that roof. Oh, wait. We never got your report. Yeah, I have a report.

Oh, yeah. We usually do the report first. The protein's coming back. It's something terrible in my throat. Some kind of phlegm or sticky substance. You were being poisoned by an external force. You're getting, you're getting phantom threaded.

This is a really bad time to throw it to me, but I'll do it. You're getting phantom threaded by me in the gym. I would believe it. What's phantom thread about? It's about a, I thought it was about dresses. It's about a poisoner. Oh, he poisons his wife?

No, she poisons him so that she keeps her out. She's mid, and he only fucks baddies. There's a mid in that movie? Yeah, midwife. A midwife? Well, there's not. There's not. What does a midwife do?

A midwife sits there. No, no, no. A midwife sits there and the doctor delivers a baby and she goes, go doctor. Yeah. Oh yeah. Go doctor. Yeah. Go doctor.

Dr. Robert. Yeah. You got this, Dr. Schwartz. And then the, and then the baby comes out and the midwife says, you should name her witch hazel. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

You should name her witch hazel. And we should eat the weird thing that fell out. Yeah. We should turn that to a stew. Yeah. Placenta. Would you eat the placenta? I would. What movie is the reason why I know why people say that?

I know about that because of a bloodhound game song. They say like, yeah, we ate the placenta. When I was eight years old, I asked my mom, what is a placenta? And she said it's a disgusting thing that witches eat after they give birth. I know about placenta because of a bloodhound gang interlude skit on their album. I'm pretty sure it is use your fingers. I think I saw a placenta. It's just the name of it.

So gross to me. I had a cat smoky, and she pushed out her whole... Actually, she pushed out her uterus when she gave birth to cats. You saw a goat's placenta? Yeah. She pushed out her whole uterus, and I saw a bloody thing on the floor when my cat was giving birth. It was weird. It's weird.

But there's a bloodhound gang skit called The Evils of Placenta Hunting. And it's a guy knocking on a door and then going, Excuse me, have you seen my wife's placenta? And then it goes into a rap song that has an R2D2 sample. I fucking hate the Bloodhound game. Podcast About Outlist Presents. Me too. Chill.

Chill. Chill on the bloodhound gang, bro. We can get Jimmy Popper. We can get Jimmy Popper at a fully show. Most think of the Crusades as wholly motivated by religious zeal. Bloodthirsty raids fueled by Christian fervor. And it's true, this was a major cause of the Crusades, of course. But there were other factors at play as well.

One of the most overlooked being economic factors. Now, why do people do anything these days? Well, to sell merchandise. And the medieval world was not so different from the world of the present. So today, on loan from the Smithsonian, we have an original first printing piece of merchandise sold at the First Crusades. What is it, man? Oh, my God. Wait.

Would you like to hold this up for everyone, Patrick and model it? Yeah, so this is a hat. A hat that says God rocks. And it's got a, it's really kind of a sick hat. It has a weird, very interesting style of paneling on this. This is a baseball cap. Wow. In two of the national colors of both England and France, blue and white, which the flags both

have blue and white on them. This is a strange five-panel hat. Reads on it in a medieval, reads on it a medieval Christian mantra. God rocks, along with the symbol of the Christian church, the cross. Now, these hats were shot. Rodally produced at a low price and then sold from pop-ups off to the side of battlegrounds during the Crusades. Marauding Christians would buy them and wear them for portraits, which they would post on the medieval equivalent of Instagram stories, which was when you took a painting and hung it around your neck. Sometimes Muslims also bought the hats and wore them ironically.

But of course, hats weren't the only merchandise sold at the Crusades. You're fucking kidding. And look at how beautiful this hat looks. Wait, I'm going to go ahead and get my head ready. I said hats weren't the only. Yeah, he said that... Whatever this is, it's going on my head. There were also shirts, sweatpants,

laptop stickers, which are stickers that go on your lap, ale mugs, and of course, statuettes and sculptures. Okay. There's better be a hat, bitch. This is a sculpture of a popular character from the time named Padrick the Prudent. Wow, that looks... great on your head, Caleb. It's kind of going out of frame a little bit. Yeah, good slouch.

Now, Padraig the Prudent appeared in hundreds of the medieval equivalent of cartoons, which is when somebody tells you a story. Each story involved Podrick the Prudent upholding the Christian values of piety, charity, and brotherhood while denigrating the Muslim values of being Muslim. Padraig the Prudent statuette sales shot through the thatched roof, so to speak, and it became the most popular item to buy at the Crusades pop-up stage. by far. Padrick the Prudent was the name on everyone's tongues. At least until the real Padrake the Prudent that the statute was based on converted to Islam and changed his name to Padrake Geometrical. It's a baby. Sales went way down in the... Sorry. Sales went way down

in the Holy Roman Empire, but an enterprising Muslim in Istanbul named Caleb X took the licensing rights and made a small fortune. Caleb X lived a life of luxury until his head was cut off by a G-string while participating in a wet thong contest. He sounds cool. and that's these are some items of merchandise from the original crusades so this is how this hat looks you look like a hipster so this is like a this is like tailgating stuff because that's really what the crusades were is a big tailgate people are grilling lizards and shit and then you get there and then the game is not that exciting yeah but the journey was fun as fuck it's very interesting style of hat

and strange isn't it they didn't know how to make hats yet back then i looked like Caleb now. I just spilled my hat. How did you fucking... This hat is a... Very thin. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It's thinner than even a t-shirt. Yeah, it is quite thin. It's very thin. It's like, it seems like it's made out of a bad restaurant's napkin. Yeah. You can see this. Well, don't pull that, man.

Ow! Ow! That's my hair! No, I'm kidding. It's a string from the show. This is by far the worst hat I've ever found in my life. It's like they tried to make it a traditional baseball style

but forgot the one like you're supposed to put another panel like around here and it's just like this is not supposed to be this small. Yeah. You really do now you have the hat that says God rocks in a shirt

that says life world. You do look like you look like you're on a mission trip. Yeah. Me showing up in Africa like this on my own little kind crusade. With this with the liquid. Oh this is a thing from America. Who likes TV here?

You know Star Wars is actually an allegory for the gods... For the Crusades. For the Crusades? I actually did see something the other day, which is a Star Wars. It's a Vietnam War. It's a Vietnam War. No, this is a video that had about 120 views on YouTube that popped up, and I watched it. And it was about how Star Wars is a rejection of evolutionism.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, huh? Interesting. And he said, yeah, it's evolutionism because you kill, he kills his dad. And I was like, oh, that's actually pretty cool. And there's only two Sith, right? So it's a rejection of evolution.

Two Sith, husband and wife, while the Jedi, thousands of them, polyamory liberal lifestyle. Ew. Oh, get away from me, polyamorous liberals? Think about that. That's what I would do if I had to go on a mission trip to Africa, I said, dude, I'm sick of these polyamorous liberals, aren't you guys? Let's just get married with each other. And what happened to coffee-flavored coffee?

That would work. That would work. All the TV shows are a couple years behind. They get the old TV shows when they finally get dubbed. Somebody used it dubbed in as Leary and send that shit to Africa. You're just trying to do anti-woke comedy on your mission trip. What are you talking about, man? We don't know what that is.

That would actually go over so well in Africa. I've been, I've been, I, I look at, I watch a lot of African YouTube videos and I look at African Twitter a lot. And that is, that's very, they, they, they, I would say that anti-wokism is, is, is, is even more popular there that is here. They sound based as fuck. Like, like, like, trying to, you're thinking going, you know, thinking of the Lion King. Yeah. You are, you are going to go to the Lion King and tell the, no, I'm talking about social media. Oh my God, I'm come. What do you, I don't even think I want to say it. Say it. I thought that the Amazon was in Africa

yeah for a second there I was thinking about a secluded tribe there it is in the Amazon it comes out again the accidental insane level of racist why would that that one's that racist it's just more it's geographic it's racist to not know everything about Africa

ask me one thing what is the favorite food of the country of the different countries who foo okay that tracks. Foofoo is real. It's a pace that they eat. What is the most popular song

on the whole continent? The national anthem of Mexico. Which is IAS replay. Okay. Yeah. I don't think that's the national anthem. I don't think there is a national anthem. Why wouldn't there be?

Yeah, it was a trick question. Why wouldn't there be? It was a trick question. There's no national anthem for the whole continent. What continent? Of Africa. South America? South America is not Africa.

Yeah, they're the same shape. I thought it was like a nesting egg. I thought Africa was right in the middle of South America, just like that. Guys, what they're... I've been watching these, sorry, I watch these African YouTube videos where it's like a guy who is like an iPhone and he lives in a village and like I think Kenya. And it's really funny because it's really, it's fun to watch, but they're all. All the videos are like an hour long, and they're literally the most boring videos you can ever watch on YouTube because they don't understand how to hold your attention or what's in. Like, their lead pretty interesting lives, but I don't think they really understands what would be interesting.

You're not so good at vlogging. Yeah. So it's usually just like him, like, he'll walk, he'll just be walking in his village and he'll just like see somebody and go up to them and start like just talking. It's just him filming himself talking to them being like, so why aren't you in school today? The guy's like, yeah, I didn't go to school today. And he's like, oh, okay. And they just talk for like 20 minutes. It's just like, just about nothing.

It's just them being very friendly to each other. That's why I love. It's just them walking through everywhere and going, hey, I'm just talking to people. That's why I love the videos of the good vlogs that I've been watching are the ones of the guys from Africa who have moved to China. And they just walk around and just record people going like, like, so crazy freaked out. You showed me that thread, that African Twitter thread where it was like ugly man thread. Oh, yeah. Post,

yeah. That was sad. That made me sad. I went through and I replied to almost every single one of them and I said, bro,

get yourself out of this thread. Bro, you look like Cupid. Yeah. They were out of here. They were most of them. A lot of them were handsome guys. They're clearly fishing.

Some of them were ugly. But some of them were kind of pretty ugly. I'm going to be honest. Yeah. But the handsome guys, I would do those guys. Yeah. You heard it here first.

Despite my outfit, I would do a guy. sorry guys what better way to delve into the history now I would just want to talk about Africa

but we can't although this did take place and parts of it yeah some parts of Africa parts of what we now know is Africa back then it was called Pangia

exactly yeah and it was they dared not go there for fear of dinosaurs but now we know it as Africa. The Crusades took place in Pangea.

Didn't Pangea sound sick as fuck? Oh, I want to go to China. Let me just walk there, bitch. Yeah. Let me take our one road. Yeah. I'll take, dude, the Pangea would have been. What was, uh, what was Gondwana land?

Gondwana. Is that also one of, that's also a supercontinent, I think, maybe? I only know about Pangea. That was a good name, too. Guantana land. Gondwant. Gondwana land. to say.

Yeah, you were Guangdong all the land when you were on Pangia is all connected. Wait, say it again. You were Guan

don't all the land. Going on. Going on all the land. Guantan all the land because it was all one massive land. I don't know where I got land from.

It's just called Gondwana. Show me my audio that I have been producing. Oh, this is a part of the documentary thing that we're doing that I'm doing.

Welcome once more to podcast about lists journey through the history of war. This week, the Crusades, Europe's bloody holy war against the Islamic world. Now, let's be off to the year 1,095. To start time-traveling, everybody close your eyes and hold the hand of the guys next to you. Ha ha ha ha ha. You actually did it.

I can't believe that. You looked gay. You. Okay. For real now. Go. Just stick out your lips and kiss me. Oh, my God. You were actually going to do it. You were where were you so gay? Okay, let's go. You so gay. Okay. She, I've walked all the way from Europe on behalf of the Pope to do something. But,

cricky, I've forgotten what it was. I've been saying to start to stay it beside. You say, I'm a Turkish Muslim here in Jerusalem. I understand it's a long journey, so it makes sense that you might forget why you came. If you think of it, just let me know. Wait, sir, I will just call the Pope on my phone. Oh, crap. I just realized I'm old. I guess it probably wasn't that important. Let's just chill in various temples and sash with no destruction and no slaughtering. Well, that's good news. I'm glad we can just be in peace together with no fighting and no thousands of deaths. Okay, so, like I said, I didn't, I fell asleep when I was reading that book, so I didn't really get to any. You didn't get to the violence part.

Didn't really get to the war. So I just kind of wrote it, like how I kind of hope it happened. Yeah. You know, and by the way, I would like to say all that nonsense blabbering. I didn't write that. I swear to God, it just came. There's artifacting with the 11 labs thing sometimes. Right.

The AI voice really nailed the voice of someone in ancient Istanbul. Yeah, it sounded so ancient. Because I do use AI to synthesize exactly what their accents would sound like. From samples of their vocal cords and their DNA. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The samples of their throat. A 3D printed maps of their throat. Yeah, which I, yeah, I have.

You have a lot of 3D printed throats in your house. I do. So I just use one of those. Let me go to my, my collection of 3D printed throats. and let me go to the ancients. What's a nationality? Mummy, fleshlight, the mouth fleshlight. I've always wondered about this mouth fleshlight, man.

Is there a tongue in that thing? Yeah, there is. Does it move? No. You got to move it yourself. Does it talk? You can make it talk. Hey, how you?

Gee, I'm really hungry. You know what? I need some cock. I wouldn't make it talk like that. I'm trying to make it. Hey, see, you've got a cock there. fucking horny that would turn me on

that would get me so fucking hard say mister I give you a dime you let me suck your cock that sounds like a child that doesn't sound like a what kind of

you hanging out with man that's a that's a that's a London street that's not a London streeter that's how people in the 30s talked mister the mister

the mister is what is what pushed it over the edge sir how about say hello sir we're to we're to 40 year old men we're both fathers

uh huh why don't I suck your cock for a dime. This is a sex toy that you've invented? Yeah. And it's,

so it's one of those boxes that has the pussy and the asshole and the mouth. But it's Jimmy Stewart's. Now listen, I'm going to suck your cock. It's going to be awesome.

It's just like tattooed on the fake skin on top. That's awesome. A little bit of stubble. Why don't they just go all the way? Why don't they just make a, it's a little bit of stubble into the mouth? Why don't they do a fuck?

I've seen those. That exists? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It has like just a little tiny black pieces of silicone. Oh, my God. It's awesome. I've looked at a lot of these because the reviews are really funny.

Why don't they just put the sex... Why don't they make like a sleeve for a PlayStation 5 that has all that extra stuff on it? They do. What? That has a fucking sex hole. They have a PlayStation 5? They have to jack it off.

They have. But then also... No, they don't. It's called Sex Station Fuck. Why would it... It's not even got a number? Oh, it's the first one. That's the first one.

Sex station. the sex station fuck two fuck two's got two holes and then they just keep adding holes after that five you don't want to see the new hole it would be better it would be better if it was like uh uh it was like i mean it should be a PlayStation but if it was a version of it where it's like a nintendo switch where it also has that like it's not like you're sitting on that like you have to it has to also have the controller and the screen all as part of it yeah you know what i mean like the game cube add-ons when you see like all the uh the proprietor the uh the third party like it has to be that you're fucking it has to have holes on the bottom that you're fucking also a screen that you're looking at

And it also has to have extend long. So your arms are completely... You know if you're playing the switch and you've got the JoyCon separate and you're lying back on the couch and you have your arms apart. It has to be like that. But your arms are like...

Manacled to the wall. Yeah. And it's fucking you. They need to do... It's interesting because this was like what they were fighting about in the Crusades. It's similar. It was this invention.

I know we talked about the beer fleshlight before, but why don't they... They need to make more that are like more incognito ones besides the beer. There needs to be like, one that's a golf bag. Diet Coke. And these are basically the same vein as beer. No, no, more, more

like larger things, like maybe a whole house. Yeah, what it should be, yeah, what it should be is just, I was about to say, it's like, it's just, there's one on the wall and you just like, yeah, the bookcase out of the way when you're like, you're like, your wife is out of the room. You pull one book and it, like, slides to the side. There's just, it's like all, it's just a blank wall,

but there's just one little hole. It's like, it's like how like some houses has central vacuum. It's so much more expensive than a just this is one hole well the whole thing and this all your companies goes into the wall and just trip it's starting to bubble out

it's dripping into the basement there's a leak in the basement there's two panels on the wall one of them's a light switch and one is a thing that you flip up and there's just a hole right there I think it is a good idea oh honey yeah it seems like there's a leak

in the basement but it's weird I mean you'd think it would be it would be under the kitchen of the bathroom it looks like it's under the study or maybe one of those maybe one of those cars that just sits on the lawn all the time.

The GEO doesn't move. A Pontiac. You just get into it. You get into it and just start you're, you just see this through the windshield. Just a guy doing this up and down. There's my husband. Why is he in that?

I'm trying to get it to start. He just sits out there. Sometimes he pretends to drive. He just sits out there and he's works on the fucking charger. He says that's how he's working on it. Yeah. He says this is the only way to get the engine to start. God,

it's so funny to me to have it. He thinks that's what jump starting means. To have it be. like, it's like one, it's like literally all it is is like a silicone hole that's just on something that's really big that has a normal purpose that it doesn't, we're like, you know,

it's on like the side of the oven or something or like it's an entertainment console. Yeah, just like something where it's like when companies around you like put the ottoman up to it, but like I didn't have a video. You're fucking the side of the TV page.

It's in such a weird spot. Yeah. so it's just the back of the trash can no no my TV is liquid cooled that's the puddle under the t's the puddle under the console under the sink where you keep all the light you open it up you like move all the chlorox wipes and the drain and it's like in the wall at the back

you have to like put your lower body into under the sink and start fucking the wall it's behind the handle on a lazy boy recliner and you take it out you're trying to you do it you like try to put it behind your armoire in your bedroom but you you set it up wrong and it goes into the bedroom

goes through the wall and so your mother-in-law staying with you in the guest bedroom and she just hears a noise and she like wakes up and she looks around

and she just the latex paint of the wall is just bumping back and forth that's such a good idea. It was just, at the end. Oh my god.

Into the trash can in the guest bedroom. I think there's a mouse in your one. I think of termites. Or a fleshlight on a turmite. Yeah, my landlord

beat it over a mouse. Yeah. An ant that has a giant fleshlight attached to it and you bury the fleshlight so it looks like an ant is sticking out of the ground. Or an ant hill in your yard.

Yeah, that's good too. A bunch of fake ants sitting on it all the time. Your neighbor gets you fucking up. Isle it's Oh my god, here's one Put it on the door Put it on the door Put the hole on the door

You stand still And you're just open And close the door That's very smart Very fucking smart Thank you for that It could work I think there's a good idea

Yeah this is an amazing idea Or yeah the electrical box Something that your house needs So badly That you don't have one Because you replaced it With a sex Silicon version of it

It's really funny to me If the thing still works too It's like It's your washer Yeah, you just got it like you just put a hole in it Yeah Yeah

The fridge The fridge is Anything it's like wait It's too low down It's like around the quarter It's like really cloudy The tray The tray

Just has a flesh like tape to the bottom of it Oh we need to start using filtered water Putting a hole Putting the hole like On the back of the fridge And like really low down

So you have to like Scoot the fridge out From the wall And then you have to lie on your side And curl around the fridge and you hold the front and you fucking line on the ground you're under

it also has one on the bottom so you could go under like a mechanic and eat the fridge's pussy you come home and your husband it's a smart TV it's a smart TV too but only on the bottom

it has one LCD screen that's remained a guy who has he has holes on everything in his house there's any situation like if I have guests over and they're chilling in the kitchen like I'm going to deliver

my fucking the chair there's our feature movie I think that we just invented right now. The pleasure, man. It's not House of pleasure. House of pleasure. And if you want to see more amazing ideas like this, come see us. I actually do have one that's kind of similar to that. What?

We can't talk about it. Oh, right, right, right. If you want to see more amazing ideas like this, come see us on tour. Yes, sir. We are going to Boston, Chicago, Toronto, Atlanta, Philadelphia. Beautiful. One more city of my, no, that's five. No, that's fine.

And then the podcast, us three, we are going to be in Minneapolis, Detroit, and Carborough, North Carolina. Beautiful. What days? I don't remember, but you can go to swag poop.com slash shows and look this up yourself. It's all on there, guys, and the tickets are nice and expensive. And Philadelphia is over halfway sold. So if you want to get tickets, if you want to sit, because they're going to have standing room, if you want to sit down and watch this show, buy your ticket now.

also I'm how many do excuse me how many did we sell in Boston last time I don't know we're more we're more than halfway sold out for Boston anyway the point is that most of these shows in fact I'll say all of them are selling very fast and very well and they're still far away so I know a lot of you guys are probably the type of person who goes oh my god there's a show on Tuesday night better buy my tickets Tuesday at 4 p.m. Even if you can't make it because it's selling so well will you at least just say like bro congratulations yeah I'm like being so good comment down below

Or just buy a ticket and scalp it afterward. Or buy a bunch of tickets and sell them out front. If you do that, if somebody buys like 18 tickets and just stands out front and sells them to people. I like making money. That's fine. Actually, I might do that. That's not a bad idea. That's a really funny idea for us to stand out front and sell our own tickets.

Yeah. Not a bad idea at all. Yeah. Okay, game. So come see us for that. What's the war of this next one? Next war will be we're finally into what I consider to be the modern era of the American. Revolutionary War

And this one is going to be Very, very American And American And freedom I think you're going to like Which side I end up being on I think it might be a bit of a surprise

Which side I support British Oh You spoiled it I got the Civil War mixed up With the Revolutionary We're not going to do the Civil War Okay Actually maybe we will

I thought we had it on the list Maybe we will And that one you're going to be very surprised Which is the right side I am on Okay Bye guys Bye. Not giving up something piously.

You got to be like us, Republicans. You got for Lent, you got to really go for it. You got to give up something like doodling. Yeah. I gave up doodling. I gave up two years ago. I doodled on Wednesday a lot. I was waiting.

But that was in anticipation of Lent. No, I got back into doodling. You're still doodling during Lent. I gave up something different. I gave up gagging on stuff. Yeah. Being gagged. Gagging.

Putting my mouth. so far down on something that I gag. I give up doodling and scribbling. Yeah, and scribbling, I think I've, yeah. For Lent, I'm giving up scribbling. That's a good thing to give up. I'm giving up jotting, but just for Lent. No jotting.

I was spending, I was wasting away hours of my life that God gave me. Just jotting crap down. Yeah, and I'm giving up chicken scratch. I'm also giving up masterpieces. Oh, oh, come on. Dude, for Lent, I'm giving up masterpieces. He's the kid who carried the 10 chairs at Sunday school. I bet that, yeah, you're doing too much.

Yeah, you're doing way too much. I bet I could tempt you with a masterpiece or you. Come over to my house. You sit down on the couch. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, man. This is my willpower. Of course it sounds good.

Crack up, but I've given it up for Lent. We'll shoot up. We'll sit there. Shoot up. Shoot up. We'll sit there. We'll just look at a masterpiece for a while. Three hours.

Come on. That's what I used to do back in the day, man. God would not have put masterpieces on earth if he didn't want you a fucking look at them, man. I'll say that much. This year for Lenn, I'm giving up magnum opuses and also heroin. Come on. Come on. I can't really do much.

I can't do either of those things. But a magnum opus is like, that's like peanut butter and jelly. That's the ultimate. I'm also giving up meat and potatoes, like metaphorically not the foods. You better not, you better not next thing. I'm giving up meat and potatoes. I'm giving up peanut butter and jelly. You better not at party

basics. You better not. If you give up robustness. If you give us the whole shebang, I swear to Christ. I'm giving up

everything but the kitchen sink. You better not. Don't. That's reversed. That's way too much, man. You should give up the kitchen sink. That is way too much. You should give up the kitchen sink.

You almost never use it. Okay. This year I'm going to give up jack shit. Does that mean nothing or you're giving up jack shit? I'm giving up jack shit. Oh, okay.