Podcast About List - Ep. 280 - Five Weeks of War: The Civil War Against Unseasoned Food

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

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All right, let's get a clap. Now that we got Pat back, Pat, clap back. Pat back in a back. I did a clap last episode. It was terrible. Yeah, see? That's what it's about. That's an incredible, clearly spam.

I got a spam that says. So I'm glad you looked at it. He's back. Pat's back, everybody. He's back in a major way. He's checking your phone with one second of the episode. I was checking my phone because of something that amazing happened. Because something amazing happened.

What happened, bro? I don't know if you can see what's in front of me right now. Your microphone? A lot of people can't. Your phone? Well, well, well, well. So a couple weeks ago, let's say, I don't know, February 6 at 9.16 p.m. Yeah, let's say that.

Why not? Let's say that. Why not? I get the most incredible message I have ever read from one Doug Sashry. Doug's who says Patrick my son sent me a clip

from the funny channel on YouTube that had clip part of your podcast and he told me that they said Tony Sashry Tony was my grandfather

and I appreciate the random mention would love to send you and your partner some goodies and appreciation and then they will know what we're talking about

I have a podcast called the nonsense chronicles I thought it said no nonsense I'm very tired because yesterday we filmed something

for the tour stay on topic here. Just shoot me an address and I'll get that out to you via USPS. You guys, Wow. Doug sent us the most amazing box of gifts I have ever seen in my life. These two didn't, I guess there's a clip on the funny channels that says that these two. Don't know. Oh, yeah, you could put these, the injectables on an injected PB&J. I really don't know what I should put this. So this, Doug, we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much. This is a Cajun seasoning that I have been talking about forever.

I've put so many people onto it. We have creole light. Creole seasoning. What is light? The other one has calories in them? Why is this one has no salt? This one's great for blackening. Yeah, this one is bold, zero calories.

Oh, this is cutting down on sodium. Oh, this one says when you want to use herbs. When you want to use herbs to enhance your favorite dishes, this one is the perfect choice. Use it like salt. that's what it says to do use it like salt as if it's salt mm-hmm well that's how

season it on watermelon that is how yeah this would be good that sounds actually quite good yeah okay so Tony chachery sachery

thank you so much Tony chachery who I think actually has sadly Doug and your nephew who you didn't say your nephew's name

but you know it said his son you keep saying nephew why do I'm I'm can I have a sip of that hell no Five Weeks on this

Five Weeks of war Please Can you baby bird it into my mouth? I got this for me. I'm so complete We are completely beat. Me and Cameron are completely beat. That's not my problem. I'm fine. I prepared, man. You're fine.

You've been, yeah, I drank coffee. You've been sitting here. You said you were tired, too. I am tired, but I'm ready to go. You played skater games. I'm not calling sons nephews. That's right. A nephew is a son sometimes.

I power through. A nephew is always a son. Always a son, actually. So what did you guys do yesterday? Yesterday. We filmed an incredible video for basically the tour that we'll be showing in Boston as well as Atlanta, as well as Philadelphia, as well as Toronto, as well as Chicago. Oh, me, oh, my.

And I guess maybe we'll show them in the other cities, too. Maybe. Maybe we will. Maybe we won't. Who knows? But you guys were up very late, I'm guessing? It was just a long day. It was up early. A lot of running around. I mean, I was up pretty late. I was up until about 1157. That is brutally late. Yeah. And we got back at 1112. Yeah. And I took a long ash hour.

You can kill it. Oh, my God. He's so kind. And we're also, I think, very tired because for this video, we both, I think, got completely infected and covered with ticks. Yes. You think you have a tick-borne disease? We think, I think I have chronic line. I think we got, both got chronic Lyme disease from ticks. Nothing can be chronic in one day. No, I think it's chronic. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You never spend a day watching Netflix and smoking that chronic, bro. Maybe you do have chronic Lyme. Maybe you do. If this is how you guys are acting now, you might both have chronic Lyme. What is chronic Lyme? Chronic Lyme is one of the fake ones, I think. Well, I did.

Stop. You need to stop. Okay, well, here's the thing about. girls that listen to the show now. Here's the thing about chronic line disease. Maybe it's not fake, but the way that they say you have to cure it is you have to like travel to Europe and they put you in a room filled with light. They're like, okay, we're going to scan you with a computer and that will cure your chronic line. I don't believe you. How do you get it? The only way to, yeah,

well, no, it's, it's a mystery. Oh, it's a mystery. And one of the reasons I think it's completely fake is besides just seeing online people who say they have it is, is there one of the real housewives had it. Oh, okay. So I think this is a housewife disease. This is a real housewife style disease. You think you get this from you screaming at your husband. This is a disease you get from you. Be careful ladies. This is a disease you get when you sit down on the couch for a little too long and you think a little too hard. And you realize that you actually really like sitting on the couch. Yeah, this is a, okay. This is a disease you get when you run, you run a mile for the first time in 12 years and then you're tired. Okay. And maybe there was a tick that, that, that

jumped onto you commando style right and there was people who get these diseases there's nothing there were multiple

ticks on all of us there ticks everywhere it's the woods get rid of them they're awfully we did get rid of them I hate ticks I put them in my mouth

and on my face why chronic Lyme disease they're like you have to if you get it and you like are tricked into trying to cure it you literally it's like

oh you have to pay like $70,000 to fly to a remote hospital where they'll do like it's literally like a David Cronenberg like shivers type shit, or not shivers, rabid, because no, it's not a real enough disease that any insurance is going to cover you doing anything about it. So they're going to

make you like fly somewhere and it's going to be a Dr. Moreau style guy grafts like a leopard's tail onto your ass. Okay. It's not real. There's no. I think that it's got to be real if people say it is. Yeah. That's so true. That's how I operate with kind of every, Yeah. Sheeple. Sheeple. What's that? Is that a disease? That is a disease. Oh, really? You have a disease of the mind. You have terminal sheeple disease. I have it. Yes. That's awful. And the only cure is to suck my dick. Come here, man. What are we doing? What are we doing? I have a family. I have to live for my family. I would say, if you had, what's the, what's the like least fatal disease?

that you would suck a doctor's cock to cure it. Okay, so you're the answer. Here's my answer, right? His is being tired. It's not about the severity of the disease to me. Okay. It's about if the doctor says, okay, the only way to cure this is you need to suck my dick.

And if I said, oh, can I suck somebody else's dick? And he said, no, then I wouldn't do it. But what if he was like, yeah, I guess it can be. anybody. It's a disease. I believe you. So if it was a disease, if a doctor...

And it has a red cross on it. I would suck his dick. Like I would suck his dick in a video game. What I'm saying is I would suck his dick if he was not so desperate about it. It's kind of giving you the thing. I was like, if it's okay if I do it to someone. Like if I, and he'd be like, no, you have to suck me. It's a disease.

It's a disease that's only cured by sucking dick. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. What if the doctor's office? That's the disease. That's the disease that you would suck a dick for. A certain type of throat infection. It's sperm's fight like firefighters.

Here's if I'm the, if I'm that doctor who specializes in whatever sicknesses is. Yeah. My office is a giant maze with my thing in the middle. So you have napkins in your throat. Yeah, I guess. But I go. Wait, what? I don't know what that means.

The sperm's need to go into the napkins. It's the only way to cure this disease. You've dry napkins in your throat. Oh, I see. We need to break through the napkins. and I have very acidic sperm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pH is wrong.

Couldn't you just cure that with soda? Soda's not going to work. Soda's not going to work. Soda is not going to work. Wait, wait, wait, ask me again. Ask me again. Wouldn't it cure it with soda? Wait, what was that?

Sorry? Wouldn't it cure it with soda? What? Sorry, I can't hear you at all. I can't hear you. Something's going on. Maybe I'm sick. Oh, wait, I am in the only cure. It's like you have my dick sucked.

My ears burn levels. are rising up to my body, clogging my ears. Oh, God, this is so painful. Yeah. Ah, ah, oh, my God. Spurb cramps. Oh, my God. This is the craziest coincidence ever in my whole career.

Listen, you could, you could conceivably suck anybody's dick to cure this, but seeing as I'm having such unimaginable pain from too much sperm, this would be the perfect solution for both of us. Oh, man, we really, I mean, I can't believe how well this worked out. Or he's going to work out. Yeah. It's about to work out. Or it's going to work out.

This is going to work out. You're not going to work out between us, too. You will live. But what's the, what's the, you doge the question artfully? Right. I think I would love to be, to have a terminal illness that lasted like a month or so. I think that I would be so good at being the like wasted away guy who's somehow like

walking down the sidewalk with the like Ivy bag like tower on wheels. I'm so clearly, like, about to die. I'm looking at everything with wonder. Like, I'm like, I'm at the dump. I'm looking at the trash and I'm like, people don't realize how beautiful this really is. That old food still tastes good. Yeah.

Just, I think I'll be really good at living those, like, and going, like, kind of like trying to make an, like, doing the thing where I'm seeing all my friends and I'm trying really hard to make an impact. And I were like, I'm hanging with Patrick. I'm like, you're like the best guy I've ever met. It's not connecting at all. Like, in the movie theater, in the movie theater watching the movie, you're like, dude, you could literally be, you could be a mechanic if you wanted to for real. You could do anything. You could be, well, you could be, you could be, shh, ah, point to the IV bag, rattle it around. I have chronic line. Turn around, your asses out. I have chronic law. I only have 57 years to live.

So you have chronic law. You only have between 70 and 100 years. to live depending on how technology goes how well you live but anyway that's my answer is I probably

I think it would be fun to know you're going to die from a sickness and then I would suck a dick on the last day well yeah but then what if it cures it

that's what I'm saying I get by the best of both worlds I get to live a month as the fault in our stars right on the edge fault of our stars yeah you want to have the romance

with a boy and then Ansel Elgort No problem with that Ansel He is a bad guy I heard Was he naughty?

Bad boy. He was not in bad boys. That was Will Smith. They look similar. They do look kind of similar. Yeah. They need to do bad boys. They have similar attitudes towards slapping.

Oh. Is Will Smith and bad boys and Will Smith and men in black the same guy? Yes. Really? Bad boys is a prequel to men and black. This is the busiest guy on the whole world. That's cops, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They work hard. They spend some of the time. I mean, cops, you know, you're not just limited to humans on Earth. No, I guess. You're limited to the humans on Earth. the whole entire universe. Yeah. The sky.

I love the universe. And beyond is your limit. I've been thinking about how I fucking don't really like it that much. The universe? The universe? I just don't give a fuck if it gets destroyed in a giant bullet. Well, yeah, because then everyone will go. No, I want to survive.

You want to survive the universe imploding and then you go into a white space. That's why I think it'd be awesome. Everybody talks, there's a bunch of sci-fi and stuff about like, oh, no, I accidentally became immortal or this guy's immortal and he lives until the whole whole. the heat death of the universe. That sounds cool to me. Yeah. Oh, God.

Oh, no. I just sit there and I just get to float. Yeah. That'd be cool. Yeah. It would be cool to float. Like, people are always like, listen, if you're a lazy rivers. If you're immortal, it would actually suck because all your friends and family, all the

people you know and love, you're going to have to watch them die. And it's like, yeah, that happens one time. Yeah. What if I don't live forever? Yeah. Everybody dies. And what if I don't get along with them? There's nobody else.

Yeah. And I can just live for a million more years. And I can, and I'll forget about it. If I was immortal, if I was immortal, I would immediately just start putting in, putting in the effort to not get along with my family. Right. And it's like, do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think after my entire, do you think somehow after my entire family and friends all die that I'm going to be like, wow, that's sucked so bad. I guess I should make some more friends.

Yeah. No. No. No. You just do your own thing. Yeah. You'd beat off. TV's going to be so fucking fire.

You would watch everything. You'd become the greatest TV right. You watch every season. All TV. You can live so many amazing lives. And also, people always hide it. I'd be telling motherfuckers I was immortal. Yeah.

I'd be walking around. Yeah, dude. I'd be walking. No, you'd get flamed by the audience if you went on Oprah. I don't give a fuck. People will forget. Nothing matters. You will live forever.

You can do anything. I will become the biggest Karen video, Jack Doherty type guy. And then I'll become a hero. Is that the, no, that's not the guy for him. Imagine. The little kid who, I thought it was the guy from me.

Bodyguards? Salem? No, that's Jack Donahue. Oh. Yeah, but I'll be, I'll do that shit too. I'll do that shit too, man. Wouldn't that be cool if that was the guy? Yeah, dude, I'm going to slow my voice down and do a rap as a gay guy.

The Jack Doherty guy. He's going around, the guy, Jack Donahue's doing that instead. Actually, I think that he gets away with all that because he looks like a little boy. No, he has, he hires bodyguards. Oh. Who, like, if you touch him, they kill you. Oh, this is not a good person. Wouldn't it be incredible if you were, if you were.

If you were immortal and you just were going around doing whatever you wanted and acting like such an asshole to everybody and ruining everything. Everyone hates you so much because you're so lame and annoying that all of human culture has to develop a new system where they pass down each generation. You have to stay away from this guy. This guy will be around forever and this needs to enter into our ancestral knowledge back. I would certainly become evil. Rasputin is not immortal. He is dead. He died at like 50.

Have you seen him lately, man? He could be around. He could be around. He could have faked his death. I think he got poisoned and then he got shot and then he drowned in a river. The whole thing about him was that he got killed a million times. He got killed more than anybody else. He got killed more than anybody.

Hmm. That's kind of worse than being alive forever. He's being killed. I would agree, actually. That's worse than being alive forever. It's worse to die a bunch of times than to be alive. That's so true. I think certainly.

Just think about it. I don't understand. I would like if I was, I would, I think that if you become completely immortal, you have kind of no choice to become a, a dick. A villain. Yeah. But not, I wouldn't be killing people, but I would be really annoying. Exactly. That's what I mean.

That's what I'm saying. So annoying. To be so annoying that you enter into the mythology of the human race, that you become like, you are the, you are. There's sideways hieroglyphs of you. Exactly. They have to write fables about you on a pyramid somewhere. They have to engrave you on walls in case that somehow a disease spreads. Everybody dies who can spread the tradition.

Even beyond the language, people need to know. Stay away from this guy. This guy sucks. A hieroglyph of you trying to use an expired coupon. Yeah. Maybe. Like pointing so madly at a big coupon. It's only, and then it's like the rest of it says it's only one day expired.

Please honor it. It's just like a guy just like, it's, They invented a new hieroglyph for this. Yeah. It's just reaching for like the bridge, your, your nose. Yeah, I think that, um, I think that there's no way that I would be as nice of a guy as I am right now. No. No.

No. No. You have no choice. And you're not even that nice right now. No. Fuck you. See, the case and point. Well, screw you. See, you're changing up the, well, you're trying to be nicer by saying screw.

Sweet you. Love you. Sweet you. Sweet you is really nice. Sweet you. I like sweet you. A smile. Sweet you is great.

Yeah. That's really good. Hey, buddy. Sweet you. I'm going to say asshole, but a smile. Thank you. Getting out of your car. Hey, buddy.

Go sweet. Sweet you. Go, sweet leaves. Yeah. Sweet you right up your heart and have a great day. And smile around and never stop smiling. Smile yourself. I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to come to your house and I'm going to

smile your entire family and sweet sweetly hug them they go okay now it's feeling actually threatening go heart yourself with kindness um what should i do with this tony shattery's butter does i don't know i think you should inject that into your body how often let me tell you what tony amazing amazing gifts i'm not making turkey probably but once a year well well it expires it doesn't say it's immortal this is an immortal product Tony you're living it's probably underneath the label or something

oh no I accidentally oh no wait no January 6th 2026 so you you can keep this until Thanksgiving yeah there's some time there's a lot of time there's something I will certainly be doing with this yeah well guys I

I want to I want to talk about the transition here yeah the war rages welcome back everybody to the five weeks of war and this week sorry this one's late by yeah sorry that couldn't be a little bit of a war uh well i wouldn't be surprised we're starting a war on punctuality and a war on unseasoned food that's right we're on seasoned food starts today that's what our war is today's war is the civil war yes today we're talking about the civil

war civil war and i guess we're just uh you'll see why but um i'm just going to go ahead and do my show and learn segment right away. Yeah, go ahead. Hold on. Podcast about list presents show and learn with Cameron Fetter, a swashbuckling descent into the world of

archaeology and war. Sponsored by the Smithsonian Institute. Okay, guys, the Civil War. 1861 to 1865, the bloodiest war in American history. Over 600,000 died. in the conflict. A variety of weapons and equipment were used by both

sides. Rifles and muskets were a few weapons of choice. Revolvers were also used. Deadly bayonets ran men through like sharp penises. Soldiers on both sides also carried around equipment for sleeping, like rough cloth blankets,

small one-man tents, and possibly plush stuffed animals. Soldiers at the time were very lazy and like to sleep during the night because all-nighters hadn't been invented yet. There was One item soldiers often carried that I haven't mentioned, and it was probably the most important. This is the artifact I've brought in on loan from the Smithsonian today. Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on a military ration eaten by Union soldiers in the Civil War.

Oh, my God. This looks... Well, thank God. Oh, it's a... Okay, so... This just, this isn't just any military ration. This is an extremely high quality one, known as a premium ration. In the 1860s, it was common practice.

Be careful with that. It's, let me read this here. It doesn't it smell good? It's a premium ration. In the 1860s, it was common practice to give soldiers one premium ration alongside their normal rations of horse strips and miniature cannon balls. The premium rations would be a very high quality food. sourced directly from a wealthy citizen's personal chef.

These delicious bites would help motivate the soldiers to fight harder. Before they ate the premium ration, they would battle for their lives because they wanted to survive long enough to eat it. And after eating it, they would go out in a blaze of glory, taking many, many enemy combatants down with them because they knew they would never eat anything as good ever again. Now, this particular premium ration is a delicacy dessert known as black cookie, a very popular dessert that actually ended up evolving into the Oreo cookie after many

generations. Wow. It really doesn't look and or smell sweet. I have a very exciting news for you guys and that is that Patrick's going to eat it. The Smithsonian Institute has given us not only permission but has encouraged us to eat this sample. Yes, we can finally learn

how the soldiers lived back in the Civil War by eating their most delicious food. So without further ado, someone dig in. And I want you to try it without the seasoning because the seasoning is a lot. I got to try it out. No, no, no, no. I got to try it with the seasoning. Come on.

It's an 1860s food. You're not going to season it down. Tastes like dessert. Actually, it's actually very well-sied. Cameron, what did you? Or the Smithsonian, what did you put on this? Smithsonian, what is this? Black cookie.

It's a classic sweet dessert. It's sweet or salty? I would say it's very salty. It's, does that back then, they didn't invent sugar yet. Okay, now put some Tony Chacherey's. Holy, that looks orange. It made it even better. Really?

That actually... You're about to eat the whole thing. Wow. That's incredible. You really liked it. Well, unfortunately, there's only one more surviving in the world, and you can't have it. You'll never taste that ever again. Well, but don't they have a recipe?

Yeah, who's that fucking old loser on YouTube who dresses? is up like a fucking bastard in leather. And he goes like, today we're making a hog shit. What he got against Townsons? Just wear some normal clothes. I've seen him in normal clothes. And stop wearing a bag shirt. That's all I'm going to say.

It's what a beautiful circumstance because I didn't even plan this based on the seasoning. So an incredible opportunity to basically have a seasoning-based episode on the time that the Smithsonian gave us food to eat. That really was a stanky cookie. It was crazy how would I open it up? the whole room started to smell. The whole room started smelling like cookie.

You could tell that they were really into the, well, this is around the time that they learned the myard effect. Yes. And they were really trying to get as much my yard reaction on that cookie as possible. Oh, yeah. And there was, and there was a lot of fat meeting heat. There's a lot of fat meeting heat.

For that after dinner. May I have some my old. 26 year old men at this table would beg for more. There's no more. It was very, oh, I wish I could have. Patrick,

That was 200 years old. I wish I could have some more black cookie. It was so, so good. There's no more black cookie. There's no more in the world. No more. The recipe has been forgotten. Well, everybody who I think we could reverse engineer it.

Their houses were burned down. And let me just say with this Tony Sachery's no salt seasoning on top of it. And if they had this back in the Civil War, that shit would have been done in seconds. They would not even be battling. They would have all joined hands and unified immediately. Yeah. You guys got no salt, Tony Sachery's seasoning up in the north? Shit, we're going to join your team.

You're saying that, but you're saying that even with no seasoning, black cookie tasted, tastes great. I think it tasted good, yes. And you like black cookie more than any other cookie. I think I like it more than any other food. Really? You are such an old soul. Yes. I'm always saying that about you.

You always seem like you were born in the 1820. I think maybe I was. You do, I mean, my grandpa used to talk about black cookie all the time. Yeah. Because he fought in the Civil War. We all remember our grandpa's and grandma was talking about black cookie. No, he grew up in New Jersey. Their friend that they went to middle school in the 60s.

Well, for him, it was he was eating pussy at disco things. Yeah. But he really liked it. You know, it would make that taste even better. Tony Shatchery is on a woman's vagina. Don't worry, baby. It's no salt. It's got no salt.

It won't fuck up your pH or anything. What is that about? I don't know. Do my balls have that? Yeah. Oh, get that out of there. Your balls have a P.U. Balance, buddy.

Yes, and I'm in a very bad day. And let me tell you, it's not balanced. Those scales are... How'd you know I have scales on my balls? You've never seen it. Made an inference. Oh, yes, we have. No, you haven't.

Yes, we have. You made an infrared laser and you looked through my pants to see that I had gray scales. And saw your gray scaly skin on your nuts. It's called psoriasis. And it affects 1% of the population on their nuts. My grandfather had it. Your grandfather had that? Did he walk around like a gator all day?

He was walking around itchy, and I've been itchy lately. I see some on your face, actually. You see the red splotches? Yeah. I know how to, there's a really easy cure for that. Oh, okay. I always get that crap when I get stressed out. Isn't that crazy that your body can turn into a reptile if you just get upset?

Yeah, I get that on my finger. That's like real life werewolf. Remember the scale? You had a scale on his finger on a tour? Yeah. It was a crazy scale. That was a crazy scale. Finger on the scale.

Scale on the finger. Yeah. You never thought it'd reverse on you like that. No. You never think that things that people say will be reversed and switched it up on me. You don't think of idioms ever being switched and then it turned into part of your life. Oh my God. I never did even.

It happened to me and I didn't even think about it. Yeah. You didn't even realize. That's terrifying. That some language evil villain did that to you. I must have gone into a mirror world. Yeah. And that happened and you had a scale.

So guys, the Civil War, who we got? The North. I just want to say one thing real quick. We're having a bit of a Civil War here. Really? How? Because he shaved his head. Yeah, it was for a video.

So we're the shades, and you're the white versus hair. Oh, I understand. I thought you were saying that it was like, he caused a conflict. Yeah, between you, you have hair. Right. And we have, you're white. We have nere. It's hair versus nair.

Okay. in shavery. We're the shaves. Yeah. So that's a... Well, you're the ones who shaved. But you, like, are fighting... Perpetuate shavery.

You know, we're victims of shavory. I don't think so. Because we're bald. Because of the way we were born, we are victims of shavory. Because of things that we cannot be... No, you didn't... You're out of our control.

You in shaved people. No, I've been in-shaved by society. By you. No, no, no. I don't. I didn't... Here's the thing. I don't inshaved. at all. I think you in shave

you and shaved us. I did not inshaved us. Well, but you're white. I have no part in shaver. Okay, that's fine, but we'll still call you just white because I can't think of anything else. So you're a, yeah, you're a white shaver. A shave owner. I'm not a shaver. You're a shaver. Do you own a shaver? No. You are a shaver. Oh, I own a shaver. I lost my shaver. But not a shave. Yeah, I don't have one either.

Yeah, I lost mine because I left my backpack on the Amtrak. And we both have been, I mean, look at us. We're beating down. Look at how I look. Normal. Victims of shavery. Complete victim of shavering.

And I sometimes I cut my head. You know how many hats I own? How many? A lot of hats. Probably 35, something like that, around there. Some of them were gifts from Joe, though. But here's the question. We're talking about shavory.

But what we should really be talking about is shavory in the south. Right now we're talking about northern shavering. We need to be talking about. Shavery in the South, man. Do you guys in shave? Listen, I'll tell you... Let me tell you what my shaving... Down south, the shavery is looking like stars and bars, okay?

That's the... I have that... You have that shaved? Yeah, I have one star and one bar. Okay. Yeah. But like a Verizon bar. No, I got it.

One star and one bar is so I'm just doing one bar. Yeah, this is for America. One bar. One star. This is a line. One bar. Can I show my thing? Yeah. Okay. Please do.

Because I think I messed up a little bit, but... I think I did, too, because I didn't know we were doing the Civil War today. I know we were doing Civil War. What were you told? I was told that Caleb was doing a solo episode. And so I created something... That's okay. Or I found something related to Caleb Solo.

Here is my... Right. You know, as everybody knows, I've been working on this docu-series thing. And I'm just not going to explain it. Just go ahead. Once again, we sought through the sands of time to find the truth behind the history. The human moments that have been forgotten

in the interest of simplifying these complex stories. Here, we find ourselves peeking over the shoulder of a southern soldier in a brutally bloody civil war. American blood is being spilled at a rate that has been rarely seen throughout history. the Southern soldier knows he's next, and that this will surely be his final correspondence. Dearest Evelyn, I pray this letter reaches you. At the time of writing, Northern forces are collapsing on our position. It's only a matter of time until they reach us, and when they do, we will surely have health.

to pay. I've already seen what they're capable of, against American soldiers no less. I can only imagine what they'll have in mind for us, the proud Southern Army of Vietnam. I am praying that I can come home safely to see our daughters again, Han and Cook. Or have one last bowl of your homemade, bum bao. I got to suffer. But this is hell. And there's not a goddamn person in this hell to answer my prayers.

I love you, Evelyn. I love you so much. P.S. Check out Fortunate Sun by Credent's Clearwater Revival. I heard some guys in a car listening to it, and they exploded. But the song was a mad ass. So I just heard Civil War. I didn't know which one. So I ended up going Vietnam. I figured we were going to do the newest Civil War,

but it turns out that it was the old one that my family doesn't like talking about. So I don't really know that much about it. And I guess I'll just show what I found. You don't want to take a break here and discuss? You don't want to talk about what I just showed at all? Because I think that was beautiful. The perfect pronunciation of the two Vietnamese names and the Vietnamese food, Bambau. Bumbao sounds really delicious.

It's a beef thing. Okay. I just, I just want to make sure that no one is upset with what I found first. Why are you looking, why are you making this ugly face? What is happening? Why are you showing off your disgusting little teeth? Because I, how are your teeth so fucking little? I don't know.

Is it from drinking too much soda? No. Do they small in? It's like a river that cuts into rock over. I don't know what it is. Did you have opposite milk? I think it's a British thing. He admits it.

He's 100% British. I think it, I don't know. And not Irish at all. It does affect your teeth, yeah. How do you get little-ass teeth, though? Because your teeth are so little. I've always had small teeth. Do you have to eat smaller meals?

No, I eat big meals. Do you have to eat the smaller bites? I don't even take small bites. I take big bites. I mean, you've seen... You should get your teeth sharpened. Yeah. They would look real. Small teeth would look really good.

Really good. Way better. Big sharp teeth. Yeah, because in your low, I mean, what? You get two of them? Yeah. No, no. You need a bunch of them because then you could look like a shark.

Yeah. I think that's a change I could make in my life. Why don't we have sharp teeth? We do. Oh, we do. They're called the incisor. But why don't we have a bunch of them. I don't know why.

Because we're omnivores. But we would still be able to eat vegetables with sharp teeth. If we only ate meat, you'd think so, but our teeth would all fall out. Yeah. I don't care if they do. Oh, okay. Why can't we? I don't you go get them sharpened?

Because I already am sharping them myself by falling asleep after having too much caffeine and crunching them in my sleep. Do you guys do that? You guys grind your teeth? I'm a big grinder. I don't grind, but I grit.

I just make my jaw. I just hold my jaw shut really tight. I wake up and I'm just, I don't go like that. It's just still just. That's a got to be so amazing. for horrible for your girl to wake up every day next to your

oh yeah open the eyes and you're so mad looking instantly well I'm doing you have a scary face when you do that have you ever had lock jaw I might have I don't know what it looks like if you had to guess what lock jaw

is like yeah I don't think so then but maybe it's not about the talk I don't know how it's not about the talk I mean I guess It is ventriloquist. Yeah, you have no choice but to be a ventriloquist for some time

until you go to the doctor. Interesting. You can't open your mouth, yeah. Or it's like really hard. I think I knew her just contracted lusher. This is honestly one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen in my life

is bubbles of spit popping out of your tiny teeth as you talk. It's because I'm trying to seek without snoozing the jaw. You're not even, it would be, I'm trying to stick. without new thing my jaw.

Oh, geez. Tying to cease without seizing. You can say K. Steak. You can't say Katsk. You can't say Ket sick. What is talking about? Trying to stick.

Steak. Trying to stick. It's Steak. Trying to speak. You said like cease. Trying to skee. You can say the K sound. You can say.

And the T. Kyle Seas. Who's the, Kyle Sease? he's a stand-up comic We've been doing ventriloquist voice for like two years at this point. And you've never got You've gotten worse at it actively.

Kyle Seas created a boot comedy boot camp in the promo video for it is very amazing. We should do one of those. Yeah. We should start. That'll be a stand-up boot camp. That is war. Boot camp is war.

It's for the war on wokeness. Yeah, we can finally put it into this war that has been raging on. And comedy's the only. Comedy is the only weapon that really we have anymore. And also, comedians are, people say comedians are philosophers. No, I think they're gods. I think they're modern day warriors.

Modern day warriors, yeah. Soldiers. Exactly. Citizen soldiers. Because we don't have soldiers anymore. No. Right? They have the computer.

We have people who go over to wherever and they take photos of themselves. Yeah. And then they come back and then now they make a music video. Oh, great. Maybe they cut their arm off. You went to Afghanistan and you found a four-foot spider. Big deal. Great.

That lives there. I'm fighting. And also, I've seen Barry. I don't want these psychos over here. No. No, no, no. I want my comedians to be. That's kind of, I mean, Barry is a old, yeah.

Well, he's an actor. Right. Yeah, but the guy who plays him. Barry Hater. Is that his real life story? Yeah. That's Bill Hater's real. You know, I saw this show, the curse.

You could not make that show today, man. No. That's over. Because the guy went in the sky. He flew. Don't spoil. Spoiler alert, bro. Don't spoil, man.

I'm sorry. Okay, we'll spoil some other stuff while we're at. All right. Sixth Sense, he's dead the whole time. Okay. The kid is dead the entire time and the six cents? Yeah, the kid is dead the whole time. That's why he can talk to.

Wait, I'm fucking dead and I'm watching the movie. How? Spoiler. Give me another spoiler. Game of Thrones. I don't know how that one ended. The Village. The Village actually exists in modern times.

Oh, the Village. Yes, I like that one. That's a good one. Unbreakable. He's a superhero the whole time. That was signs all along. It was aliens. And they're allergic to water.

Really? Yeah, really? Down in the crop circle, UFOs? Mm-hmm. I don't think that one's right. And Leslie Nielsen pees out of his finger. Yes, I remember that. That's the funniest joke of all times.

It's really is. It's really the best joke ever. I always think about the one in Scary Movie 3, where she says, she's explaining to the kid that they accidentally chopped off his penis and when he was born. Oh, yeah. upside down and he says is that why I pee up

and I don't know I think about that a lot that way I pee up those movies are amazing why don't they make another scary movie man

because of Craig Craig Mason dude he made can you imagine the fucking cast today I was talking about this

Craig Mason he did scare the scary movies right I think so no it was the Zuckers super hero he was he did

the offshoets like maybe some of the later scary well that was Friedberg and Seltzer.

Setser. They wrote the other ones. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He was writing those types of movies. And I'm sure you guys saw the new Borderlands trailer and are hell hell excited for that movie. And it's so funny because Craig Mason wrote that movie, the new Borderlands movie with Eli Roth, but he took his name off of it.

Okay. And I realize that the Borderlands movie has been in reshoots for like three or four years. Like it's like they like filmed it. They like originally filmed it in like 2019 or something. and uh and it was like and so he probably wrote the script before that and he took his name off of it so he literally it probably was that he like his only his only credits where he wrote that book or whatever and he had all the like superhero movie disaster movie whatever once he wrote

and then he wrote the borderlands movie they started filming it and then right after that he got he had Chernobyl and then he had the last of us yeah you know he was getting like he was getting he was getting emails over like four or five years when the producers be like okay we're just going to reshoot a few more things and he's like please do not I have something. I have something to like, hold on. I have a career. I didn't know he made Chernobyl. Yeah. That was his first. You don't remember? In the middle of Chernobyl, like episode three, the, I've never seen it. All the minions come out and they're gay and they start rapping. But dude, it's so funny just since

2019, he's, you know he's been like, for God's sake, please. Please don't make this. Please let this come out. Yeah. Please do not. And he took his name. He has like a pseudonym on the, on the, on the screen. really that's so fucking funny it used to be that it had to be like because of wGA like rule or something it always had to be alan smithy or whatever yeah it's a different one they had to change that because there was a movie about a guy named alan smithy that was so bad that the writer of that movie tried to give it in allan smithy credit and it's like this movie it's called burn hollywood burn and it's got eric idol from monte python and it's just like it's supposed to be it's like in the same vein as like scary movie and

everything. And it is the most dog shit movie of all that. It won a golden raspberry. Dude, he wrote, he wrote, he wrote scary movie. He wrote, no, I hate all golden raspberry winners. You hate all of them? You don't hate the golden raspberries? No, dude. I like that. I like the Darwin Awards. This is so funny. He wrote, he wrote scary movie three, scary movie four, superhero movie, the hangover part two, identity thief, the hangover part three. And then the Huntsman Winter's War that like gritty snow white movie. He's not proud of it. of this filmography? And then that's Huntsman Winters Wars 2016

and then Chernobyl and the last of us and now it's going to be Porterlands, but he just took the credit off. Damn. I mean, that's a, honestly, it's a very esteemed career. Yeah, I know. I know. It's just so, you just know that... Hang over to. You know how he feels about it, though. Yeah. You know exactly. You know that he leet, he thought

he jumped out of the small pond. He made it. I mean, why does this keep happening to all of our great comedy directors is that they get the idea that they need to be good. They have to be artists. no shut the hell up man stop being a funny director because you're oh i'm so good at stay being a funny director or at least take will feral with you this is a pseudonym jo crombie joe crombie the zombie and right in borderlands too man yeah that's not a it doesn't even try to be a real name

no joe cromby written by eli roth and joe cromby i've never met a crombie in my life um i'm going to grab a zin real quick okay but it's so far away but I'm going to finally do it. I just have been working up the courage for 90 seconds. Hold on. Okay. So what are we supposed to do? I'm going to throw this away.

If you just stood up and walked away, we would have kept talking, but now. Yeah, now we have to. You kind of, how is your chair stuck to your ass? How did that happen? What the fuck was that? Caleb just stood up and his chair was attached to his butt. There's a cup that was over there that I don't know who the hell put that there. A metal cup.

that they usually use for camping. What? You've never seen my trick with the chair? I've never seen your trick with the chair. I've never seen anybody do that. Were you standing up to do that with the chair?

Was it sticky? No, man. Was this all a ploy to put the chair trick on video? No, no, no, no, no. I sit with my phone in my back pocket and it sticks out the back. And so when I get up, it catches the lip on this chair sometimes. I've never seen you do that.

But that was not what happened because your butt was attached to the chair. That was exactly what happened. I'll do it again. Oh, okay. I see it. I feel like the one before that just happened was a paranormal event,

and this one is normal. I think I saw something different the first time. I think you might be... I mean, it's possible. Anything is fucking possible. That's true. These days.

Yeah. I guess I can show the song now. What were you going to say? Not like back in the Civil War? Not like back in the Civil War. Which... I didn't know. were doing. Right. You made that very

clear. This is a common issue. So maybe next time if you don't know what we're doing, you say maybe just go to the one below. What should I do? What are we doing? We didn't know that we were doing this. We didn't know. I thought that you were going to do something and then. Which even then it would have been civil war. Right. But then we even then we decided yesterday early in the day that I had

no time at that point. And you were here in the office playing skate games. So you really don't have so much. You were. You were playing skate games. I came in. I was playing skate games. I came in today. So you came in today. After you already knew that we weren't doing a solo episode. To place skating games. To make this stuff without asking what to do.

Let's just roll the clip. And we'll see if this relates to the Civil War maybe accidentally. Hello. Thank you for watching this video from the Smithsonian Museum of Music. My name is Julio Fetter. What you are about to hear is a song that was originally written during the most tragic battle of the early 2000s. May the writer of this song rest in peace. I hope you enjoy it.

You're about to hear a song That's about the craziest fucking thing That's ever happened in my entire fucking life Who's this? You're really not gonna... It's all a true story And I'm sure that you won't even believe it I saw a bug

And I was scared about it Got the raid can Then I sprayed the bug the fuck up Now it's growing big Big is my friend Alex Oh no The bug just said he's got a day a fucking shower it's been there up inside my shower i have to go to work and this bug took up

about an hour the bug got big because i sprayed it with the big bug spray it makes the bugs the size of fucking towers a big bug it's in my fucking shower big bug it's in my fucking shower big bug it's in my fucking shower big bug it's in my fucking shower big bug so yeah kind of goes on like that for Big bug. It's in my fucking shower. Big bugs. When would this is... What did you think I was gonna make my...

I thought that maybe there's a war on bugs or something. Why would you think that? Why would you just... Maybe there's a war on bugs. I'm not... I'm not... Okay, I like the song. Sounds pretty good.

The song is good. The only thing I take issue with is that somehow it's... You claim that you... How could this be... I don't understand that... What's confusing? No, I think, I think,

it's good, man. That you would be like, I don't know what we're doing today. I should make a song about a bug and then you come in and complain. Well, I didn't know what we were doing. Like, obviously you did this. That would not be relevant to anything, no matter what we were doing. Why would we... Why would we be doing a war on bugs? You didn't even... We didn't even say, yeah, we could have done that. We could have faked it a little bit. It would have been easily possible. There's a war on bug. But it's...

We're complaining so much, being like, I didn't know we were during the Civil War. You thought... He did a song about, and who's, I mean, who is this guy who wrote this one? Why was that? Is this your? It's just some guy that died. I don't know. It's just a random guy who died in the Smithsonian.

That's the fiction of it is a Smithsonian took a random guy's song. You don't really know. I don't really know much about it. Now you're doing K-Fa-Fa-Fa-What do you mean? You're pretending that this is from the Smithsonian still after we? I think that maybe this, makes no sense. It really doesn't, but

I do like the song. The song was actually really good. I did really like the song. You really switched up the flow in a new way. You rode the beat. You wrote the beat. Yeah, like this. Like currency.

Uh-huh. You know, currency? I do. I like him. Was this weed involved? Weed? Was this, was there smoke that?

Do I smoke before? You smoked that and shoot one? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe we can relate this. I don't think this song would exist if the Civil War didn't happen. That's probably true, I guess.

So you're saying rap wouldn't have been invented. I'm not saying rap wouldn't have been invented. It's kind of what you're saying. I'm saying that maybe a guy would not have thoughts about a big bug. If the Civil War didn't happen, or if the slavery would have ended eventually probably, right? Yeah. When do you think it would have ended? Once the machines were invented.

So it would have been 30, 40 more years? Maybe. What if we went back alternate history and it was only like one more month? And nobody fought? Yeah, without any fighting. Yeah. And we found out that all of,

all of the war was- Patrick's family members died for no reason. From the northern? Did you grow up calling it the War of Northern Aggression? Where do you think I grew up? Wilmington, North Carolina. I did not, nobody, I had never heard that until- I've met people who said that before from the South.

Who? From where, man? Yeah, probably. That grew up, that left when they were 17 years old. Well, yeah, I think it's not that they like that they come up here and they're like, what? The Civil War? Yeah.

But like that they got taught that like one time. No, we never had. I mean, I went to a charter school and then I was a homeschooled as I like to call it auto-didact polymath. Yeah. And so I never heard that before. And my mom is from, my mom's family is from Jersey and my dad's from California. So I'm really a fake Southern.

I'm really not even from the South. I have no roots, really. We know. That's all that's, that's all what today was. Except for one uncle who was in the KKK, but I never met him. I never met him and my grandma told me after he died. Okay. And it was a great uncle.

Yeah. Well, he wasn't a great. He wasn't a great uncle. That's messed up. He was a really good. It was a really, really great uncle. What's the one after? Great, great, great.

He's my very, very, very. So you think he was a great. Okay, he was the greatest uncle and he was in the KKK, supposedly. Yeah, there's no proof. There's no proof except for 40 or 50 photos that my grandma has of him wearing. Yeah, which could have been 50 consecutive Halloween. That's what I was like 50 years old. He was 50 Halloween.

Exactly. Thank you. I don't know why it's such a big deal. Your grandma was just like, oh, that boy, something ain't right with him. No, I mean, no, it was her uncle. Okay, right, right, or something. Right, because it was a great. Something ain't right with that uncle.

Something ain't right with that uncle. Yeah, he was a great uncle. Because I got confused by you calling him a great uncle. I thought you really liked him. And I never met that it was your uncle. I never met that racist bastard. And if I did, what would you have done? What would you say?

Cameron's your uncle right. Wait, point your head up a little bit. Merry Christmas, uncle. Merry Christmas. It's been so long. What did you get me for Christmas? I got you. This is exciting.

It's tickets to a private event. You are the best uncle ever, and I love you so much. What's the event? Is it a concert? No, it's more of like a, well,

it's, I guess intellectual. It's kind of like a, and I know you're an autodidact. I'm an autodidact polymath. Everyone in your family knows that. Yeah. And I guess it's just a place

for like-minded individuals to discuss theories without. I'm the gift. I'm a second gift. You are a gift? Yeah. Okay. So this is a slave?

No, No, no, no, no. It'll make sense. It'll make sense. Just say, and I got you the second gift. Okay, and I got you a second gift. Okay, I got you a bird. Oh, my. Oh, you're a cross. Oh, you knew I was a Christian. Why do they burn the cross if they're so Christian? Hey, KKK, I'll say it. Your logic doesn't make any sense. You guys are illogical. I would know. Autodidact. Yeah. Is it because it's a T? tea for that KKK. Why would they burn that even? Yeah. Why would they burn a T? They should be burning like, I don't know.

Well, yeah. They should just be burning the ground. They should just do a big bonfire. I think that's how it started and they accidentally, they just had a cross there and it started catching fire. Yeah.

Oh, I think that's wrong to burn cross. I don't think it's right to be in the KKK. No. I'm not so enamored with them. You could get your message across. If you just spelled with the lighter fluid. We are the KKKK. Like the chick-fil-A-chicken.

Yeah. We are, duh, KKK. Yeah. Yeah, that, I don't think that my uncle, I think actually, I just. Do you have any relatives in the Civil War besides your, I mean, besides your uncles? I didn't remember the only other thing I know about this uncle. That he was, he was horribly mentally disabled. I don't even know. I mean, I'm not. I don't even say it. I don't know. I feel like that had to be at least half the membership of the KKK.

Yeah, of course. Right. I think it was all of the membership. Yeah. And well, well, no, because I think that some people, some white people are so evil, they can basically make that decision without being mentally handicapped. And you probably think that on that racism is a stupidity. No, I think of it in a pejority. What in a pejorative way? He's saying that they were all, not all there. But that's what I'm saying. I think that basically they were all, even if they were mentally disabled, I think they had 100% intent and clarity of mind and act in that evil way. I agree. And no matter what genetic things got fucked up by their beautiful families and cousins and

brothers and sisters, I think that they were all married to. They all might as well have signed a contract that stated I am allowed to go. to hell for this. Yeah. And it was quite wrong. Yeah, they're going to hell. They're burning the cross. And you think that they... They're going to hell just because they... No, I'm so stupid that I don't even know what I'm doing. So we should be forgiven and go to heaven. Basically, I'm clean. My sins will be cleansed. Like I'm saying, oh, I'm saying that majority of years old. Yeah. I said, I've made this clear. Do you guys, you guys, you guys never telling some jokes, Patrick. You guys never had any... No, this is spirited debate.

Okay. North versus South. Debate right now. You too. Okay, so I hate slavery. You're not very good being in character. You're doing a pretty bad job of being on your side of the debate right now. What's the side of my own? You're on the side of the KKK. Since when? Since, I don't know, you join them.

Let's do Lincoln Douglas debate right now. Lincoln, Douglas. I'm Douglas Heffernan. Is that his name? I don't even know who. I think his last name is Lincoln Douglas debate. You never heard about this? No.

This was like the big debate between Lincoln and his opponent before he was elected president. they were talking about. The big thing was slavery and they did this debate. Oh, okay. And I had to recreate it for school and when I was in my weird homeschool conservative

like co-op thing and I got pinned with Douglas. Why is it that when they do, why is it that when they do debates in? So well. When you're doing whatever. I guess it was all the parents of the thing were the judges

and they were like, we're giving this one to Douglas. Why is it that when And whenever you do a debate in school and like middle school, it's always like, okay, we're going to debate slavery. It's never like, let's debate traffic lights. Let's do Rovers's way. It's always like, let's debate if slaves should be free.

Yeah, why are they making me do that? Why do they do? Let's just do, let's do come on. Red versus blue. What is it supposed to teach you about debating? Is that the only thing that that's supposed to teach you? What's the fuck about debating? My last one was, I'm going to be completely transparent.

It was clear that this was not about teaching us how to debate. This was about teaching us state's rights. Oh, okay. That was the entire thing. Excuse me. Was that Douglas was like, leave it up to the states. And Lincoln said, leave it up to my, leave it up to the Jakes, have the cops come and kill everybody with slaves. Here's my stance on states rights.

I don't think there should be states rights because if if each state could do everything different, we would be called the disjointed states of America. Yeah. And we need to be united for a reason. We have the name. We might as well go with that. You know what I'm saying? We're not the 50 countries of America. I don't want to be the bullshit.

The EU is so bullshit that you have, you can go to all the countries, but everybody speaks different languages. Can you imagine if we had that in the U.S.? Yeah. Where you go to, if you went to... Kind of do. Sometimes it feels like that. What?

You go to Boston. That's a accent. Well, accents are different languages. How many times have you really heard somebody in Boston say, Park the car in Harvard Yard? I heard it a lot growing up. Well, in a... comical sense, but not in a really

practical way. Are people trying to park the car? There's no parking spaces in Harvard Yard. There's a parking lot. Where is there a parking lot in Harvard? Next to there's a parking deck, I guess. Yeah, next to the Mike's pastry and there's a Dunkin' Donuts there. Is there a mics there?

That's not a lot, though. That's a... It's a garage. Yeah, it's a deck. Pack the car in the Harvard Yard garage. See, there? Why isn't that the thing? You know what the better one is, is when bus, people with a bus and I say, ma, Ma, heard that a lot. I like that. I like that. I like when people say ma.

It's the best. In a bustle next, that's the best word. In a bus, ma, ma, ma, ma, my wife used to babysit these kids who call the, well, you hear that. My wife used to babysit these kids who said, mummy and papa. That's weird. Ew, isn't that disgusting? That's terrible. That is gross. That's a delightful children from down the lane type of thing. Yeah. Mummy and Papa. Papa really kills me.

Papa is terrible. Papa is coming to kick us up and pick us up. Can I have a chocolate, Papa? Yeah, those are our parents who have an issue in their brain. Yeah. Did you guys ever call your parents anything besides mom and dad? No. Mommy.

Really? Eric. When I was little. Do you guys call your parents now by their first name? No, that's just creepy. Yeah, that's weird. I do that because my mom does not respond to mom. She only responds to.

My brother tried to do that one. so my mom told them to shut the fuck up. I feel like I won't care if my kids want to call me, Caleb. You don't care if they disrespect you? I don't think that's disrespect. I think that's the utmost respect. No, they should call you if it's either dad for me or Mr. Doran. Mr. Doran?

Really? If my kids aren't calling me Mr. Doran, not fucking answering. All right. Patrick, help me. I'm trapped under the fridge fell on me. because I was trying to get your snacks off the top. I was trying to sneak a snack.

And the fridge fell on me. Help me, Patrick. Dude, I'm so excited to hide all the good food for my kids. That is a dream scenario. You get all of the junk food. They're not allowed to eat anything good. When I die and I go to heaven, I would like to see, because I'm going to go to heaven.

I would like to see a cut scene of every single. I would like to just see. It's a montage of every single item of food that was ever in my house growing up that I didn't know was there. Yeah. Almond Oroca. That's what my dad used to have. What is that? It's some fucking weird world market type of candy.

And my dad used to, it's like a toffee. Yeah. And my dad used to have a can that was in my brain. It was a 50-gallon drum that was up in a, it was like the top shelf of his dresser. And when he would leave for work, I would sneak in and I would grab one. You know what else will be so incredible when you're, parent is to find the snack that is really good that your kid does not like

oh yeah. That's why old people develop a taste for licorice. It's because kids don't like black licorice. I won't take it from you. I like black licorish. Even when you were a kid you liked it? Yeah. I think, no, that's weird. You were an odd bird. Yeah. But I'm saying like before your kid realizes that

they like spicy stuff and stuff like that, that's got to be so great. You're going to just leave it out on the counter. Just eating disgusting Mexican candy despite your kid. Wow. Or you raise them to only like that kind of thing. When I was at home this weekend, I learned that all of my nephews, my niece is not picky, but all of my nephews are picky. And my sister made like a whole roast beast, beast. She made a whole roast beast? She made a whole roast beast?

My God, it's not even... She made a whole roast beast for Sunday dinner. And I just got to eat, I got to eat all of their slices of roast beast and mashed potatoes. My nephew didn't even want any of it. She made a plate and he wanted a PBJ. potatoes? That's like the best. That's crazy.

That's how you sneak other foods into a kid's diet is you put that in the mad potatoes. I got to eat like four plates of roast beast this weekend. Will you make us some roast beast? I would look with injected butter. Did Kenji do? Damn. Oh, a Kenji roast beast with the injection. I had roast on Christmas this year and it was so damn good.

I love roast. Did you get to eat the little flower legs? So, so good. No, I wish. Oh, Oh, I want those so bad. They look really tasty. Oh, I want to have that.

The legs that have the chef's hat on the end. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that shit. Why do they do that? I was, you always see that growing up in, like, cartoons and shit as a kid, and you're like, why aren't you putting in this effort, mom and dad? Yeah. Put the little shit.

How long would that take to get those? To just put it on? You screw it on. Exactly. It's probably nothing. You're not putting any little umbrellas in all of my drinks. You're not put in. I never once had any cornucopia anything.

No. Nothing I ever ate was in a cornucopia. I've never had cornucopia either. It's like one of my... Once you have it as a grown-up? You've had it. Once you've had cornucopia as a grown-up. You realize why they were hiding it from you.

You would not be able to appreciate it. But you've had it, though? I've had cornucopia. Dude, I've never had cornucopia. You, buddy. This year, 2024, this is the year you have cornucopia. I'm going to have it this year. Why do you keep saying it different every single time?

Cornucopia. Cornucopia? Cornucopia? It's got a you in there. It's like Feducopia. February does have two years in it. No, an extra R. It's got an extra R.

Well, February has an extra R that no one pronounces. I think the way your brain works is that you think of what you're going to say, and in your brain it projects it onto words, and then you read it. Yeah. What? You read it. I think you think of thoughts, and then it shows up. It shows as words, and then you read it left to right.

Probably. I don't know. That sounds correct. I, here's how exhausted I am from yesterday. Last night when we were coming home, I saw the back. It was, oh my God, this was insane. It was a semi-truck. Okay.

That I didn't see the front of. And I thought that somebody was riding around. You know what, Optimus Prime drives without a trailer? And he has the flat part. I know the flat part. I saw the flat part, and I thought that somebody was driving around in a one-to-one replica of the Batmobile from Dark Knight. From the bed of a truck. He thought the bed of a truck was a Batmobile.

I was in the middle. Me and Joe were like talking about something. We were, you didn't even say, we were what we were like talking about something. And then in the middle of us talking, Patrick's went, oh my God,

the Batmobile. He like screamed it. And then I saw the front of the truck. And we just didn't react. I have no idea what he's saying right now. And I thought that you guys like were not impressed. And then I saw the front of the truck. But they were impressed.

The car moved. And then I, it like startled me. I should have gone to bed. right then. I should have just fell asleep in the car immediately after. The Batmobile. Yeah. I thought that I, I mean, in my defense,

if you saw the Batmobile from the Dark Night Rises on the highway, I'd be freaked out, man. You'd be scared and maybe a little excited. Well, I'd be scared that I'd be thinking of everything that I'd done recently. Oh, yeah. And if any of it was a petty crime. And the car is coming up next year. Maybe if I had loitered or something, I would be afraid

that he was going to put a missile in my head. The back tire, the car just gets fucking blown out by that missile. Exactly. Yeah. when the car starts to skate out and you're like, oh, I shouldn't have... I don't use guns. I shouldn't have... Just giant missiles and bombs and tanks.

I shouldn't have taken two mints. I shouldn't have taken two mints at that restaurant and said, please take one. Exactly, dude. Yeah, when you take a grape to see if the whole bag's going to be good or be bad. Oh, fuck my life. Now the whole car is destroyed.

Yep, now I'm being killed by Batman because I wanted a red grape. Yeah. Great. My life is... Great. Have you seen these... This shit pisses me off so much.

I saw a pineapple the other day. I have a lot of fruit problem. I saw pineapple the other day. I have a lot of fruit problem. I have a lot of fruit problem. I saw a pineapple the other day at the grocery store that I guess it's pink inside. And it was $30. Jesus.

Well, the import on it. I mean, the grocery store is not making any money on this. The grocery store is not making any money. And then the same grocery store, I was with Noah, I saw a beer. that was $80 for one beer. Probably the best beer in the world. No, it's just beer, man. It can't be...

This luxury BS is just BS to me. You hate luxury? I hate luxury. I like dog shit products. You like dog shit, not luxury? No, yeah. I don't... I'm not into spending a bunch of money on nice things.

Would you rather go to Erhawan in Los Angeles? Don't even get me started on Airwine. I would go to Poopies used food. I would go to Poopies. And I would get the smoothie there. And I would get the Mike Shinoda smoothie at Spooey's used food. Because I would think that that would taste better.

You think that's better than luxury items? I'm not going to spend $20 on the Kim Kardashian smoothie. You think Poopies used food is better than Erdogan. I'm going to poopies used food and I'm going to get the Tucker Carlson burger. That's what I would rather have. I'm so unluxry. I always thought Erwan was a gym. You're thinking of Equinox.

Equinox. But until I think literally, I think the last week, I thought Aeroon was a gym. I saw in Greenpoint, there was a grocery store that's about to open up, but it's not Aeroon. And they said, on their sign, it said, Aeroon opening soon. And I said, you are, I left them a note. I said, you cap in, you are tricking people who love luxury. Right. Because I know that if there was an Aeroon here, you would go purchase that.

I would go one time. I would go to see what is the smoothie like. So it's just a fancy grocery store? Where everything is quite expensive. Everything is expensive because it's like the most organic stuff or something, or I don't really know. Oh, Jesus. And they have celebrity smoothies that are different colors swirled. The Balenciaga water.

They have a blue and white smoothie. Uh-huh. And that's Haley Bebers or something. Based on heroin, I always thought it was either a gym or like a biblical battle. It does sound cool. It does sound like an angel from the Bible. Yeah. But it's not.

It's just some dog shit store. great. Yeah. Now, Poopies used food. Poopies used food is actually a family-run business. That's funny.

I always thought that that was a clothing store. No, no, no, no. No, you're stupid. You see it has something wrong. Yeah,

it has food in the name. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, you were thinking it's like that place in Boston, Johnny cupcakes where it's not actually a cupcake store.

That's not a cupcake store. Really? They don't sell cupcakes? No, it's just a guy who was like, oh, I'm gonna call it. That's fucking bullshit. Yeah.

I almost went in there multiple times and then I decided I'd, I think they might sell cupcakes there. They think they might start, but I think that he... They might start. I saw an ad. They might start soon. They might have started.

They might have started. I don't know, but I don't trust that guy to have sold them because he already tricked everybody with his t-shirt business. Don't trust him. Now I trust Mr. Poopie, who runs Poopies used food. Because you might be saying use food, what's that? Have you ever seen the apple in the pig's mouth?

Nobody eats that fucking apple. The pig can't eat it. It's refurbished. Send that to poopies. Refurbished food. Drop it off. They have a 24-hour drop-off. Refurbished food. It's like luxury prices. It's when picky eaters, they get a meal and they say, I don't want the mashed potatoes.

I don't want the roasties. They don't have an uncle around. Bring it to poopies. Bring it to poopies. Refurbish it. Hasn't been eaten. It's been used, but not eaten. We put it on a plate. Reconstitute the mashed potato back into a full potato, put a skin over it. We can use it for anything. You fry that.

thing up, crispy on the outside, soft, and the inside, fried. That's a Burger King fry style. A whole potato? But that would actually taste pretty good. Burger King gives whole potatoes as far as. Yes. Yes. I haven't been to it in a while. It's a secret menu item. If you ask. If you ask. Can I get the full fry? Can I get the mega fry? We're not far off of that. They're getting really desperate with fast food. Oh yeah. They've just started putting the two things together. Don't they do that? I mean, well, it's a baked potato. Wendy's. You can get a baked potato. Why don't they do baked potato anywhere else? Think about that.

It should be like a restaurant in the 50s where they don't have a menu and you just go in and say, can you make me this? Yeah. I know how to make that. Yeah, we got that. Yeah. They should do that at fast food. Yeah. I mean, they still do that at like diners. You can just say, I want, I want clams and eggs. Exactly. They go. Okay. Sure. Yeah, we have clams. I can't. How do they store? They must have some infinite dimension library that go into it, like Greek diners, where they have every food categorized, like

the warehouse in Indiana Jones. Yeah, like the Jedi library. Yeah. And they just, they're like, oh, this guy wants oysters and a meatball. So we'll bring that out. And that'll be $50. Oceans and an egg, you could call that the shell surprise. Because they both come from a shell.

But you don't eat the shells on either of them. No, but that's the surprise. Well, you do it accidentally. The surprise, yeah, no shell. The surprise is that you're not eating that shell, right? You may want it. What they could do, I mean, I've never seen a hard-boiled egg cut in half without it cracking, right? So you could put it through like a...

You could probably do with a laser. A laser or like a, what's that thing called? Slicer. You know what's a good idea for a food? Table saw, yeah. What are people obsessed with now? Air Huan. Oh, what are people obsessed now?

Pretty close. The compressor. What's that thing called? slap chop hydraulic press oh right I thought you were talking about in terms of food

they should make a restaurant where you order the food and then they like you know how that place chopped chops the salad once you pick the ingredients you order the food cold stone creamery

they put every ingredient in the hydraulic press and they push it until it is flat and it squeezes out the sides and what could it be called impressions Pat did you ever go to

that's really That is really, really good. That's really, really good. That you just perfectly, like, it was a good idea, but you just basically secured $100 billion a year from a very specific clientele. Thank you, sure. This is a, this is a business trip restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. That is incredible. You want to go to impressions. Maybe we go to impressions. Business expense. Put it on the Amex. God damn. Put it in the bottom floor of a luxury hotel. Yeah. I will have. Jesus Christ. Next to a photo chow. Yeah. I will have. No, no, no. Orange, raw bacon, and, uh, some gummies. and you press that and let me just try it. Did you ever go to, the press thing is a griddle? It could be something like a cold. There's a hot one and a cold. Did you ever go to fire and ice?

Yeah, I did. Yeah. What's that? Habachi place in Boston. It's a it's a it's a, it's a hibachi place where the idea is it's basically it's a restaurant where you get to pick your food. I like any place like that. You pick it.

It's a buffet. It's a buffet of ingredients and you go and you get them and then they cook it. They cook all of it. So you're getting like, like you're putting in a bowl, raw meat, raw, corn. Oh, like, everything is raw. Is it like Mongolian food? Do they have like sauces at the end? I think so, yeah.

Yeah, we had one of those in our hometown. Does a guy cook it on a giant slab with chops, giant huge chopsticks? It's hibachi and buffet. Yeah. Sounds amazing. It's, uh, it's terrible. It's so bad. I went there like one time as a kid for someone's birthday party.

It was a big birthday, please. And I became obsessed with it. And my parents would never take me obviously. Yeah. Because it's expensive and terrible. It's just a circular griddle Such a fun They used to have one

In Harvard Square Next to the Sinclair It closed I went to that one I went to that one When I was 16 I went to that one And then I went to one

In I don't remember where But it was somewhere else I went And it was like Yeah It's so funny Such a funny idea For a restaurant

The circular griddle Is so fucking crazy Because then they had to like So you get like It's like a pie chart And then where like You sit on the pie chart Is where they

cook your food So the guy has to constantly go over and flip, turn around, flip the other person. So he's just, there's just a lot of cross-contamination. And then just like, yeah, why would you ever want like, okay, I'm going to want to go to a restaurant and I'm going to pick out a bunch of things that to eat all mixed together. Yeah. Like, why would I like that kind of thing?

You have to be such a food genius to know what goes together. Exactly. No one's going in there. It's so easy to pick the wrong things to go together. And it's like $14 a bowl. I'm eating my leftovers. I'm eating my Sunday night leftovers right now. That's like, I used to make.

a curry when I was in college I was like trying to not eat meat when I first moved to Boston and I would make a curry every week that was it was tofu garbonzo beans, broccoli and like

so chickpeas yeah yeah and a bunch of not even toasted no just out of the can out of the can with the water toasted so damn good bro it was it was the most disgusting Yeah, you're making mushy slop.

It was complete slop, and I would eat it every single day. And I would keep it in the fridge for like a week. And I would eat, I would eat out of the Tupperware. Yeah, that's cold tofu. It was awesome. What grade of firmness? Whatever the cheapest one was. Oh, you're getting the silken tofu.

It might have been silken tofu. It might have been silken tofu. You're getting silken my gosh. It would break up into so many different pieces, and it would stink up the entire apartment. And it would get stinking. pinkier as it went because of the broccoli. Yeah. The bro and I would just eat it every day and have horrible stomach aches and farts at school.

What's going on? Yeah. And I was like, it must be just the nervousness of moving to a new city that's giving me diarrhea every day. Do you remember that time we got the vegetable platter? We got our first, we had on a rider on a rider for tours. We just put like a couple of beers in the fridge.

Like, well, we weren't picky. And then we wrote vegetable platter. We weren't picky. We weren't picky. We're just like you guys. We just go on world tour. and we're not picky with our riders. Well, we didn't have anything on there other than like,

our rider was like water, beer. Guys, we're just normal guys. And then we like water. We like water. We like beer. Vegetable platter. Vegetal. Vegetal. It was vegetable.

It was vegetable. Yeah. And no venue ever got it for us. One one venue did. One venue did. And then it was sitting. I think it was Littlefield. It might have been, no, it was Bell House.

Oh, that's what it was. it was sitting back there for so long that the broccoli stunk up the whole. Yeah, it smelled like completely shit. It was honestly like every venue was doing us a favor by not getting us the vegetable platter. And we didn't know because we're stupid. And then when we finally got it,

I had no choice but to eat almost all of it. We had to eat stinky broccoli. Yeah. How are we going to get rid of this smell? I like vegetables. Yeah, vegetables are amazing. We had to get rid of the smell somehow. Eat.

You just eat it away. Well, the food smells. way I get rid of smells in my house. Yeah, just eat that. Whatever it is. Just eat it. What did we put on that? That was the first time we ever, we got so excited and then just blew it. What? Our tour manager told us to put stuff down on the writer and we were just like, we should put water. That's what it's supposed to be. That's the point of it.

You can put M&Ms on there. Yeah, but candy. We're not rock stars. We don't deserve Eminems. I think we deserve one bag of M&M. Whatever you put on there, somebody who works at the venue gets sent out to the store to go buy it. Yeah. I'm not, if you put anything that's annoying on there.

I mean, obviously, you can. You're allowed to. I'm not saying we should put anything annoying, but why didn't we put candy in other snacks? Can you imagine this person who makes probably $7 an hour in Atlanta being sent to go to the public's and have to go find a certain type of Eminem for us? No, we're not saying. I'm not going to be part of that, man. No, I'm not saying anything crazy. No, no, no.

We just said water, beer, vegetable platter. And then we come and do the show and we sold 30 tickets. And they take the M&Ms out of the money that we make from the show. They can keep the M&Ms, too. Just bring your own M&Ms, man. All right. It's not that hard. All right.

I don't know why this became an attacking me for saying that we didn't have M&Ms on. I'm sorry. It was a bad idea. It was a bad idea? To put M&Ms on the rider. It's a bad idea. How is that a bad idea, though? You can go to the store and get it yourself.

you can you can yeah you're trying to you know i mean we've been talking about the civil war he's seeming pro yeah pro slavery pro something here i don't think i'm pro something pro i mean i don't even know what i'm pro m and m you said you're not pro something so you're not pro freedom i think for all people i think i'm anti freedom anti slavery how would let's if we're gonna if there's gonna be slaves we should all be slaves yeah i'm fine with that. We should all serve one guy. Come on. I'm fine with that. I'll just, that's jail. If everybody's in jail, nobody is. That's fine with me. All right, guys. We're going on tour doing sketch comedy with Home Planet and Pierce Campion. There will be some beautiful live sketches as well

as videos like the crazy one we filmed yesterday that you won't know anything about to you come see the show. It's going to be the only place to see this video until it's not. So come to see us on one of those shows. Boston's coming up. It's less than a month away. Get your tickets. Those are not. That shows for sure going to sell out. It's almost sold out now, I think. That's actually a month away. That's what I said. Yeah. Boston, Atlanta,

Chicago, Toronto, Philadelphia for sketch shows. And then if you want to see us do a normal-ass podcast, they'll be fun and live. And maybe we'll show the videos there too, I guess. We'll never, you never know. We'll see what happens. We'll do something. We'll do something. We'll do hell of fun. What's your video? It's a dance challenge. Minneapolis, Detroit

and Carborough, North Carolina. Make sure get your tickets because those are going to come up and you're going to be so sad when you can't go. That's true as fuck. Let me tell you something right now. We are not coming back to Carborough, North Carolina. You shut your fucking mouth. You shut up now.

I'll be back. I will be back. Okay. Thank you guys. I'm going to go try this Tony Chacharries on... I've convinced myself that I have every single autoimmune disorder no demand. I get that way, too.

Yeah, dude. I think that I have, recently it's been, I think that I have lupus because that one is, that's the only one that people actually believe when you say it, so I feel like I'd like to have that one. Yeah, right. Because that one I think would be good. I had swine flu a couple months ago. I thought that thing you had fucking swine flu a couple

months ago. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, you had the bubonic play. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and Cino, man, you've been frozen. I would, I'm going to say you had HIV. Yeah. I went to sit in because I thought I had COVID and I wanted to get a COVID test. They did not say you have swine flu.

Okay, we don't have any COVID tests left. Do you want a swine flu test? No, it's H1N1N1. H1N1. I think that's swine flu. Created by Barack Obama and FEMA. Dude, they said you have swine flu and that's what I said. I said, is Obama president?

Ma'am, are you telling me Obama's? I'm sorry. Sorry, I think you're varying the lead. Is it the past? No, it's two months ago. I tweeted about this. I can die. I'm sorry, I said, is it the past?

Yeah. Please tell me. Yeah, swine flu. God damn. What was it like? Yeah, did you, I mean. It was worse. It was way worse than COVID.

It was the worst thing that's ever happening. Swine flu, we didn't, you know. We didn't appreciate it. We didn't, dude, it didn't get enough love, dude. I remember back when swine flu was big, I thought it was going to be the zombie apocalypse. Yeah, man. They should have shut shit. I mean, like, the way I was, boy, the way I was sick.

let me tell you talk that talk yeah no yeah and they said i had swine flu i had a hot doctor too and she was my age i hate that shit she comes in and she goes i'm your doctor yeah i fucking i said i said no you're my girlfriend what are you talking about i hate that so much dude last i went to the doctor before she said she's she was 20 i asked her i was like how old she said i'm 27 i was like what did you do you mean you weren't in bars your early 20s she skipped a grade in medical school. I was like, whenever I meet someone my age with a job, I'm like, why aren't you being a comedian? Right. Yeah. What do you mean? Because look how awesome my life is. I'm like, you can't be a doctor. We're only pushing 30. Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? That's still

so fucking young. Yeah. To be a, yeah, I mean, at least. Full ass doctor, city and deep.