Podcast About List - Ep. 282 - Five Weeks of War: The War On Masculinity

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

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Today is the day of war. What? Well, I was going to ask, did they ever think to do a boss baby movie where he does other jobs? They have a show. They have a whole TV show. Besides boss. They do have a TV show. What? Boss is not a job also. Yeah. Okay.

I hope boss baby doesn't hear me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. I am dressed like a liberal today. How did you tell? And I'm dressed like, I'm dressed like a Republican. You think this is how Republicans dress? Every day. You think you go down to the red states and this is everybody. walking around in the fatigues? I have seen soldiers at Chapoittees. Is it because it's so tiring to be in war?

Yes. Yeah. Completely. They're pajamas. Is that what they are? They're heavy clothes because of all the colors on them. And the gear? It's extra different types of dye that have to do.

Oh, there's so much dye in it that it makes you so tired because it's like 30 pounds of shirt. Fatigues your body. Yeah. That makes perfect sense to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Five weeks of war Well, guys, it's the war on masculinity.

We finally made it to the modern era. Which, by the way, we could have just said that there is no theme for the episode this week because we're currently in the midst of this war. We have been in this war on the front lines every single day. This is how I normally dress. We've been fighting. The war rages on. The war rages on, especially if you watch

LameStream News... Part 9. Part 9. Home stretch. The Saturday is the final war? Yeah. Holy fuck. I never want war to end. I never want to end.

Oh, unfortunately. War will end on Saturday. That's got to be the worst part about war. The end of war is on Saturday. Shit. What's our final war? We'll get into that later, but... Okay.

It's not a basic-ass, basic-ass war. Yeah. One of these fruity wars. I'm sick of these fruity-ass wars. Yeah, none of these are cool to me. I'm sick of these fruity-ass wars, man. I like the alternative wars.

Would you look good in war? I think that you would be so scary to get, like, do the salute again. If I got off the plane, the big cargo plane that they put the warthog on, the pelican from Halo, if I got off of that and you were standing there greeting me and they're like, this guy is your captain, I think that'd be really. be scared that you're going to die. That'd be really bad trouble. He's marching backwards.

Yeah, marching backwards, writing the note to my wife on the walk back. That would really be scary to me. Yeah. I've been playing these Halo games. And this is one war that I can't believe that we are not covering. This war is brutally terrifying. Well, there's copyright issues that we would run into because of Halo the TV show. I can't believe that this isn't on the news that the covenant is.

Well, it hasn't happened yet. It's going to happen. It will be on the news. That's why it's so devastating. It is about to happen. I just played Halo Reach. This is a devastating secret attack by the Covenant. Well, we'll be a devastating secret attack where they're slaughtering farmers and civilians left and right.

It's so sad. It's really sad. It's completely the saddest of HALO. Yeah. On Reach, it's a farming colony. Grunt farmers? No, not grunts. No, grunts are the little guys.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's funny that there's a kind of alien in Halo that in universe doesn't matter at all. Yeah. They just don't, and the reason they don't matter is because they're short. We have that, too, on Earth. Well, I guess you're right. I guess you're right. It's just so funny.

And then when you kill them, my wife made a great point. I never thought about this before. But every time you kill a grunt, they go like, one of the other ones goes like, oh, my God, it was his birthday today. They all say something so sad. They're a complete tragic case. They're supposed to show how tragic war is. It really is making me, as I've gotten older, the. grunts are sad to me.

I used to think it was funny to pop their heads and make a birthday confetti. Now, it is not funny at all. They have little family. Imagine how small their kids are. Oh, they're probably an egg. If they're that big. Probably the size of an egg. Their kids are...

Yeah, or maybe they are the kids. You ever think about that? That's why they have birthday confetti. Just fucking... Adults do not walk around with confetti inside their skulls. That is a childhood pastime. That is true. That is true.

You'd have to be very childish. Yeah, every kid goes through a pinata face. They all stuck. a bunch of confetti up their nose yeah and then when you kill their big brothers and if you kill all the big aliens like grunts just don't know what do they start running around they don't even fight you anymore yeah so i usually let them i love in a video game where they have the enemy where it's like you kill their leader or you kill one of their friends and they crouched out like and they have it like in all the

games where they crouched down they cover their head and they go like yeah that's like that's by the way dude i know now jemini with like a little koalas i never played jeffors jemnon but that means that grunts that's who you really were the whole time. You were putting on a face because you had a crush on the elite. Oh, yeah. So now the cats away the mice shall play. That was the real fucking you. You're a coward. And who would have

thought some guy whose name is grunt? That's right. The real you is you with a pulse rifle in your face, bitch. Yes, exactly. You are a guy who shits his pants. There's every day of your, every three years of your life up to this point, you thought you were a, you thought you liked

finger painting. Nope. No. You thought you like to eat candy. Nah. No. No. You like lying in the dirt. Yeah, you thought you liked eating, starting to eat salt foods. That's who you really are. Yeah, the Joker being like, and man in their final moments

showing you who they really are, they're all pissing their pants. They all shit and piss. They all like to bleed. I like to bleed a lot and pee and shit and jizz comes out. This is all the joke. Do you nut when...

You expel everybody. So you nut. You cry and you die and shit at the same time, but you don't get to live the for the feeling. That must die before. That's the ultimate pain of death. Do you think that there's anybody that has experienced that

came back? You get to do what I call the quachro. When you... Science call it a quach where you pee, where you pee, shit, come, and cry. When you, when you, like, void your bowels when you get electric chared and you, like, shit all up in the chair.

Does it electrify the shit? Well, probably, almost definitely. But my question is, is that because in your death, is it a thing where in your death, all your muscles spasm and they shoot all the shit out or is it because you die and like the last line of defense like the switch in your pelvic muscles turns off and everything just falls out like I like holding all my shit in unconsciously I like that theory you're not pooping manually

I like that theory that like we've developed that as a defense mechanism against bears and stuff because if they get one guy and then they start eating him he's shit's in their mouth yeah he's not going to eat any more humans that a lot of animals do that they go for the butt too. It's where the most meat is. That's why like you're holding a gecko or something, they'll shit on you because they're scared. They want you to go, ugh. But how do they know that they learn that? Does every animal not like poop?

Yeah, some animals like that. My dog fucking is addicted to poop. Your dogs and dogs are addicted to poop because they have been inbred for 10,000 years. Really? I thought it was a potassium issue. You might be right. Yeah, every single dog loves poop. The one animal who likes eating poop just happens to have been.

Forcefully inbred. Forcefully fucking and sisters and brothers for hundreds of years. My dog is a combination of two dogs that are such different sizes that you know that some guy had to manually grab the male dog and shove it in like this. Yeah, what is your dog? Half like a bunch of little dogs like Corgi and Doxon and Chihuahua and then half German Shepherd. Oh my God. So that they had to either or that the little dog did it upside down, which could have been cool. Yeah, because it's a lot of long time.

Well, the POV would have been the ground because it's on the ground. Exactly. You wouldn't see anything. But you would have known, which would have been hot. Yeah. I know, I meant the POV of the guy lying underneath them. The TV of the cameraman. The breeder that has to watch and make sure everything worked. Anything everything?

Yeah, make sure it worked. Yeah. Did you come yet? Do you know anybody who got into breeding dogs? No. I feel like I might know one soon. Yeah. Did you get Phil fixed?

Yeah, I got him fixed. But I know you got jars and jars. You were like, okay, we're getting you fixed next week, buddy. I'm a prepper. Let's get all this shit out of it. I'm a prepper. I want to know. Yeah, I froze his male eggs.

You want, you want Phil to, you want there to be more fills in the world? One million more fills. I fucking hate that, dog. I fucking hate him so much. Dude, I, I, I'm ready to declare my wars of the week. Oh, yeah. It's speaking of this. All right.

So basically, let me. me walk you through my day yesterday because I had two different fronts of war declared on me in the same day. And so here's, and it was all because I started, I had started having the best day ever. And God came and struck me down in a pincer formation. You know things are going to be bad. It's when something's going good. Yeah. So I woke up, I was, it was, it was daylight savings, right? So I'm, and more giving me indigestion. I know, it's pretty upsetting and stressful. I woke up Naturally, very early at like 7.45 a.m. without even needing an alarm on daylight savings when it was actually felt even earlier than that. My body was able to wake me up,

which was incredible to me. That's a miracle. Great start. Went straight to the gym, got out of bed, just walked, went straight to the gym, didn't dawdle. The gym was really full, right? Did not, did not dawdle. The gym was nearly empty. I did not even have to wait for any of the machines I wanted. There was probably about six or seven people there. And on top of having that freedom of getting to use all the machines in the day of day do one rep on every machine in the gym I basically had the magic

of like almost like a planet earth documentary or however you pronounce that movie that starts with the Koyana you know the one with a cue in it some all of our nerd fans know that one by the way nerds stop listening yeah fuck you

I got to gradually see the gym fill up and see people come in starting their morning and you got to judge them a little bit my god now and I was doing my I was doing my, my exercises, and then in between sets, I'm like, oh, I forgot. It's Monday. Got to hit the crossword. But in between sets, don't even have to, don't even have to take any extra time.

My fastest record for a crossword time ever. On a Monday? On a Monday. What was the time? It was 2.40 something. You could just lie and tell us it was one minute. Oh, 240 is a fucking. It's just a Monday.

I mean, this was the best part of my day. Still, you're on a heater, man. This was, also, by the way, man. It was 243, baby. When you said you're having the best day ever, I was really expecting a higher peak. Yeah. I don't have a good life. A good life.

Yeah. I feel like we've kind of been hammering that home a lot lately, and we maybe could be a little nicer in that regard about the things I like and what makes me happy. Sorry, I forgot. Yeah, the list. Yeah. And now the crass. So, yeah, maybe we can pretend that I'm like a mentally disabled guy in a Stephen King book or something. And that's kind of my superpower.

Yeah. Oh, congrats. Okay, so then what happened? When did the war start? The first attacks. Then I go, then I get back home. I take a shower. I'm nice and clean.

I eat my breakfast. I'm like, all right, now time to go to the sketch meeting. Yeah. I start walking to the sketch meeting. World's biggest army on tour. World's biggest army on tour. And I start walking to the sketch meeting. And now I'll just, I'll, I, this was the first war that got declared on me.

Okay. I'm walking down the old street that I walked to get to the office. See, at the other end of street, this little. this little white dog, little fluffy white dog, very small. I mean, this big, small dog. He's walking around, no leash, no master. I've seen him before, and his owner is just let him walk around and go pee, you know, but usually they're sitting on the porch.

He's like, oh, whatever. But this time his owners were not there. He was just out on his own early in the morning. And, well, it wasn't early anymore, I guess. And he sees me, he starts running towards me. No, man. I'm like, oh, my God, I, I'm having such a great day. This is awesome.

This cute dog is coming over to say hello to me. and I like, I like start, I walk over the dog. And it's like sprinting towards me. Uh, and he comes up to me. And I'm like, I'm starting to lead down to it. And he goes, Rha, and starts jumping at me.

Oh my God. What did you say to the, what did you say to the dog? Well, the fact that he said he's across the street, the fact he said it was across the street, I thought he was going to, I mean it was like down at the other.

Oh, okay. I thought you meant that he was going to, you were having the best day ever and then that would not be more on me. That would not be war on dogs. Yeah. That would have. been so awful. No, this dog tries to fully attack me. And I, my, my instinct is I cocked back my foot to kick it. I like, take a step back. Take a step back. Put my foot back. And I, I don't

like, I'm allowed to say, whoa, man, watch. And the dog listened. That was your fight in fight or flight. Yeah. I was to say, whoa, man. That was full, full adrenaline was, was, was, whoa, man, watch out. Whoa, what are you? I think it was actually, whoa man, man, what are you doing? Well, man, what are you doing? I like that. I like that because whether or not you realize it at the moment, that was not for the dog, that was for everybody else. No, because I'm like, there was nobody out on the shirt. Like, if this dog comes and bites me on the leg, that's probably not going to hurt that bad because the tiny ass dog.

A little white dog was shit in its eyes. But what the fuck am I going to do? I have to go, like, ring everybody's doorbell, be like your dog is out? Yeah. It's biting people. Like, so what did you do? How did you get out of this situation? Well, I said, whoa, man, what are you doing?

That made the dog back off. Whoa. It was intimidated by my masculine, strong voice. Yeah. And then it just followed me to, I literally, whoa, man, what are you doing? You didn't go, whoa, man. No. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Let's just go get a pizza. And he went, oh. But he just, he like followed me down the rest of the street. Like he was like kind of making sure I was leaving. I think he probably thought that you were as new owner. I was fully prepared to kick him.

I would have kicked him into the street. You were on his block. I walked by that dog. He had to spin on you. He had, he probably has rabies. There's probably a kujo situation brewing in that house. Anyway, that's the first war. And that one I basically won by running away.

from a tiny, fluffy dog. Retreat is a way of winning. Retreat is wins. Then I have a meeting with, get home, and what do I get in my mailbox, but a letter? Oh, I like letters.

From the IRS. No. And guys, they were trying to seize my assets and put a lien or levy on my tax account because apparently I owed the money that they never told me

that I owed them from 2021. And the letter said, you owe this amount of money and it was not a small amount of money. And they said, due to COVID, we have not we have not been sending collection notices but we just want you to know that now we've resumed sending the notices you owe this much much money and there's two years of interest

on it oh man they literally there was no way for me to know that I owed this money that actually makes me feel so happy because statistically now I won't get in trouble with the IRS dude I get I hate the I think it happened to me too I don't know yeah they all they fuck with me so they literally I was saying this to my fiance I think they have a flag on my account that you can send this guy a letter and ask for $5,000 and he'll roll over and pay it. They'll let you fuck him in the ass. I

really don't like that debt collecting, which is you know, in the Bible used to be a sin. Yeah. It's literally a sin. It is a sin. You shouldn't do it. Nowadays people do it willy-nilly. You can't even, and it sucks too, because you can't, usually the way I get out of that stuff is I get on the phone, I

say, I'm going to fucking kill myself. You can't even get on the phone with anybody about the shit. Even if you get on the phone, the IRS, the only way you can contact them is a handwritten letter that takes a year for them to respond to. And you, and you, you get on the phone with somebody in the state taxes stuff, you get on the phone with those people and you're

like, please, I'm going to fucking do it. They are trained to talk you out of it. They start using therapy speak at you like a bunch of assholes. They literally won't even tell me why I owe the extra money. It's not like I'm not paying my taxes. I pay it. And then I send them in there like, actually it owes a bunch

more money and we can't tell you the reason. And we want to tell you what, where you made the a mistake or why you owe it. You know, you should have been the war on bureaucracy. The move is you called to me, say, I'm going to kill myself.

I won't pay my taxes or I'll kill myself on this bumpy road with a bunch of potholes or maybe this bridge that has not been taken care of very well. And then we'll see who's laughing. Yeah, suicide by cop. Suicide by these cops that you keep paying. Who can't afford guns?

Or I'll go to Israel and kill myself. That's where all my taxes are going. Yeah. Don't get political, what have I told you about being political? But anyway, This is all to say, I've been in a kind of border skirmishes with the IRS for the past three or four years. Yeah.

Just every once in a while, shot fired. This is official. This is all out war. On the IRS. They always tell. They're always like, oh, you owe this much money just because I guess on my taxes. Yeah. Which is not a big deal. It's called gambling.

It's literally the lottery. To the best of my knowledge, yes, this is my. The lottery. $100,000 of how much money I made. The lottery is literally part of. taxes. I have a hard time. It's lucky that I make $30,000 a year or also I would be in big trouble right now. Right. Yeah. I have a really hard time with the IRS because I just like bragging. Yeah. I'm putting like everything on the IRS. I'm putting like deals that I haven't

closed how I'm adding up everything I own and saying that that's my like net worth. So they've been coming after me for near $54,000. I genuinely think they have me on a list of you need to this. They check my taxes harder than everybody else and try to fucking. I genuinely think that they do. I seriously think they do and that's why it's fully war. I think they have maybe like an asterisk next to my name and they think that I have

every single time that I file I do so much. I think I do so much wrong that they think that I have... They think you might be your own child. Yeah, I'm my own child who's filing for myself. I accidentally got TurboTax on their iPad. Yeah. I bought it on Steam. A million. I bought it on Steam.

They've been doubling my tax bill because I bought turbotax on steam. I bought skins for it. I have it looking like it looks like a kernel terminal. It looks like it's all green and like you have different types of skins. You should be able to write off CSGO cases. Yeah. That should be an obvious write-off. That's a gambling loss.

Easy. That's like unreal to me that they haven't done that. You can write off baller in skins? Yeah, yeah. Every single. Every single job that I do is a gamble. It's smarter to gamble every single... This is financial advice.

You should gamble every single dollar you have because it is a write-off if you lose it. And if you win it, then you double your money. What even is the penalty for filing for bankruptcy? Because you can just get more money later. The penalty is you technically... Don't get to own a house. You technically don't own anything.

You have to put it in like a different thing's name, like a company that you own. it's really it's just it means nothing dude oh then I'll just do that but bankrupt I'll just do that every year you have to like you have to have no money pay your taxes you'd have to fully liquidate everything and put all of your money into a different thing I'll just put all my money on my girlfriend's name all my student loans my student loans all my medical debt you're just saying you give your money to your girlfriend no no no you can't put $800 no I'm putting all my debt is what I'm saying oh okay so reverse my medical yeah I'm reversing all I'm doing

Uno card on to my girlfriend. I really think that they should... And then we break up and then she has all my debt. I don't... The whole thing of like you grow, when you're young, you think like, oh, we should tax everybody like 100%. And then you get older and you start making money and then like, oh, now you're kind of conservative with... I didn't think that the cutoff for me would be $25,000 a year.

I thought it would be a lot more than that. Do you know what it is? Do you know what the reason the thing is because we don't have withholding? Yeah. Yeah. It would be so much... smart we're not good at anything and the government is taking advantage

of us they really should we should have a like handler from the government I really I can't even I can't even put into words how angry this this IRS situation makes me I forgot how mad I was about it and then talking about it again I'm like few people yeah I got a letter in the mail fucking I called me the letter

to say you've owed this for two years and then I opened my account to be like what is this what is it from the and they said just the thing on my account is a big flag that says you need to pay this immediately or we will like put a federal tax lien on your account. What's a lien? A lien is when they'll take money from your bank account.

No, a lien is that they say that they are going to take money from your bank account. And then you can't get like your credit goes down. I think you usually can't open new lines of credit. That's already down. I don't need that. And then you can get it removed by paying it. Like I think they eventually will take it.

But the lien is like they're saying this is our money. I'm fine if they go into my bank. But actually prefer if they went into my bank account and took the exact amount of money they won. about it. Like, I'm not going to fucking pay this. Just put, like, take it from me. Take everything. Like, I want to buy it house. I don't matter.

I don't matter. I don't matter. Nothing I do is of any worth. It doesn't matter. It needs to go build a new shirt. God. For the overseas people or something. Or whatever they use tax money for nowadays.

What do they use it for? Bombs and their guns. We'll do. There are bombs and their guns. Yeah. It's been the same old thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Since a long time ago. Since like what year? 1100. Is that what it says on the song? since 1100. Well, it's about zombies. Those have been around since the Middle Ages.

Speaking of the I-R-S. Since 1997. The Umbrella Corporation. Umbrella Corporation. I thought you were going to say Umbrella Academy. That was a disappointing song when you listen to the lyrics.

It's about the... Almost nothing is about zombies. It's about the fucking... With their teeth and their brains and their hands and their scabs. So what things do zombies have? Zombies don't have much. That's part of their thing.

They actually have less than a normal person. I know about jombies. Now, jombies have scattered, tattered. Scattered pros, staggered pros, staggered pose. Yeah, Pierce used to do that. Yeah. Maybe 150 people. Maybe 150 people we're talking about.

Yeah. Well, if you saw us on tour the first time, you know. So that's your war. Two, yeah, two multiple. And I feel like I basically won the war against this dog. And I will say, I'm fully, I'm, again, I'm not afraid. If this dog comes after me again, I will kick it. I'm really not, I'm really not afraid to be there.

You're going to go, Anka, man. I was ready to kick it even. without abiding me. Wow. You are anchor man. I have no problem kicking this dog. I just want to put that out

onto the public. You have no problem when you get in trouble in like two days. When you're on when there's a video of you on citizen

and some little like lady is yelling at you because you kick your dog and you're going, what's up motherfucker? Some Mexican lady who's lived in this neighborhood for

our family's been here for 150 years. You've been here for one year you kick their dog and then they're like their dog barks at me kick it across the street. Taking footed.

What the fuck is up, bitch? What up, bitch? I'm for podcasts about this. What the fuck is up, bitch? I kicked your dog, bitch. Yeah. But really, what would you do? If a dog ran up to you like that, little ass dog and started biting your leg and

there's ghost town, nothing, nobody is out. I would literally walk, not even a car on the street. I would walk into my office job with the dog attached to my leg. Yeah. Just to show how tough I was. Really. Okay. In the immediate situation, you're just walking.

Because if you walk into it, yeah, it is a masculine thing. If you walk into it, yeah, it is a masculine thing. If you walk into your job and. And you say like, hey, good to see you, Greg. Oh, what's up, Michael? And then you turn around and there's a bat that's stuck to your neck. I don't know. A bat stuck to your neck and it's sucking your blood or whatever bats do.

You're getting a promotion, I think. Yeah. Because they're going to say that guy can withstand. Holy shit. And if he, and if he's going to be the janitor, the super janitor now. And if we don't promote this guy, he will suck our blood. Yeah. Wait, that guy's turning into a vampire.

You de boss. You're the boss immediately. I'm scared of you. You're getting a promotion account. You are being promoting. voted to the count of the of the janitorial staff. Count of we work. I am the count in every company.

Can we set up our corporate structure so that we have a count? There should be. We can be a tri-count council. Yeah. A council. Oh, my God. That would be so amazing. What's the taxes on being a count?

You pay no taxes. Yeah. Oh, because people pay you tides. Well, you just don't have, like, you're not taking advantage of any, like, public stuff. Right. You know, because you can't even go out. I don't take advantage of any. fucking public thing, man.

You are a welfare queen. I am not a welfare. You are a welfare queen. What are you talking about? You're always on welfare. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Well, yeah, I get welfare and food stamps.

And you have a bunch of... Well, how is I'm going to buy food? I've already bought, like, new guitars and new types of other things. That's why... You know, honestly, I love being on food stamps. You knew how to fill out paperwork, you'd be a welfare queen. I love being on food stamps, but the thing I hate about them is I hate fucking licking them every time my tongue gets so dry.

Yeah, grocery store. I don't want to... Yeah. To put it on the cashier's head. Sticking it on the food. It's all on a card now. Yeah. It's just a card.

What the fuck is wrong with society? You don't even get a stamp anymore. It's the same thing as arcades. Let me guess. It's tap to pay with the food stamps now. It's tap to pay now. Oh, and you can after pay with food stamps. I've seen people doing that.

And use Clorm. That's what's it called? Clarna. Clarna. Ben did that with one beer at KGB. After paid a beer? After paid a beer. After paid a beer.

With food stamps? No, no, no, no. Just did after. afterpay on one beer at a bar. So it was like, was he really broke? No, it was just funny, I think. Ask Ben. Ask Ben.

Ben, why did you do that? That was odd. I've never had more. I've never felt like afterpaying something. I've never afterpaid anything in my life. I've afterpaid a few things. I think it's a pretty good sign to me that if I'm going to after pay for something, I probably shouldn't buy it.

You can after pay the passport. Really? Yeah. That's why my credit's like. Did you guys grow up with, did your family always say like, like never open a credit card credit cards are terrible and then your family's like the brokeest dumbest people because they all have credit cards because none of them no none of them have credit like they never built credit ever because they just thought that it was evil to have a credit card

because of church that's what i was trying to do is not get a credit card then i had one with a five hundred dollar limit it's fucking awesome it's free money i love credit card then i had to spend a bunch on wisdom two surgery so then that is not what you want to be swiping the no i want to be buying bottles of gray goose it better be coming in two big bags I literally want to go on a... I have been feeling like going on a shopping spree so fucking badly. I told...

Well, that never worked out. When I signed up for business files, I don't know, they still owe us. Verizon owes us $300 on a gift card. They don't owe us $300. It was a signing bonus. They owe us a signing bonus that they never sent. They owe us a signing bonus that they never said.

Verizon, that's who I'm on a war with today, because you guys keep canceling our... The auto pay doesn't work. I think it's actually a problem with the payroll company that we use that also has our credit cards but that never works and you never sent us our $300 visa gift card signing bonus that we were going to do a shopping

free episode with. This was a year ago now that we signed up for Verizon and I would call them every month. You mean we signed with signed with, sorry, signed with and got the signing bonus with. We signed with Verizon. We got the advance from Verizon guys. We have a 360 deal with Verizon and Patrick kept every single time we'd be in the office

he would check the mail for this $300 credit card. I still check it every day. We were supposed to do the shopping spree episode. We were all going to wear gopros on the road mics and we're going to walk around and we're going to like that episode of people a band were to go to mall of america i think that was my idea a hundred dollars you've you've you've i agree that i think it would be a terrible podcast episode but it would i think here well i think here you've engaged kind of your master uh stratagem which is now we're going to get a bunch of comments to say that actually would be a good podcast episode from people who

don't know anything about they don't know anything about the production and the fact that we'd have to actually do it right to go to the ball which is i hate doing stuff we'd have to go to the oh i would hate having to go to the Queen Center Mall and having a day of shopping sprees. But the thing is, if I go into a mall, I ain't spending less than five grand. True. Okay? I've never been in the mall unless we should. I go to

$100 and we go to Sacks in the house. Yes, dude. And I'm buying all sorts of sweatshirts. I walk into the mall. I walk into the food court. I go up to the person with the free samples. I say I know it's free. I say I know it's free. Let me buy the whole stock. I say, no, not

just what's on the platter. Go in the fucking back. Get every sample. Every sample. Give me all that bourbon chicken. And listen, I know technically the price

for that, all the samples should be $0. They're free. I'm going to pay you 10 bucks. And they'll say, yeah. That is literally

an infinite percent. Would that be the challenge of the episode? The challenge of the episode would be who can get the most stuff. Try to haggle at GameStop. Who can get the most stuff with like $100.

No, those bastards at GameStop are just just kind of malle and haggle with everybody. Why are the people at GameStop so mean to me? Probably your personality. My personality is so delightful. You go, no, you go into game stuff. You're like, I don't walk in like this.

Maybe if I have a fistful of money. No, no, no. And I'm trying to pay them like this. You're doing this. No, I'm not. You have your arm cocked so far back that it's behind your head. I'm scratching my head. You're doing this.

Wondering how games got to be $70 now. $70 is crazy. It is crazy. Well, that's another part of the war on men. Yeah, well, guys, there's the price on every. Skateboards are now $75. It's called a man tax. Okay, so skateboard should be $17.

Yeah, I think skateboard should be... Everyone gets more money. Everyone gets more money out of it, sure, but I don't want to pay that. I want you to be paying. We want a tax on skateboard. I don't, I want... I want skateboards to be $500, and the... People who make and the people who make and sell the skateboards do not get the money.

Yeah, the same amount of fun in them. The money goes directly into my pocket. It should go to rock bands. Yeah. Rock band controllers. No, it should go to random rock bands all over the world. To be a subsidy. A rock band.

and roll subsidies. We should be subsidizing. I mean, that's how we end. We do need to be subsidizing rock and roll. First of all, we need to get a man in the White House. Yeah. Okay, it's been a couple years of yes. Not this wimp.

Not this fucking kid. Mm-hmm. Well, he's old. Not this old kid. And then before that, it was another old kid. And before that, it was a woman. Yeah. And then before that, it was George Bush, and he was cool.

But we need a man who's going to put a skateboard tax, a rock and roll subsidy, so that rock band's all over the. country get tons of money for expensive condoms and expensive what else do rock bands like beer of jack daniels well here's a clear example of how when we were growing up how many necks were there on the average rock bands guitar two if you were jimmy page on average because some of them had three cheap trick at five yeah well that's how an average works you know but now i haven't seen more than one neck on a guitar and it feels like average has been brought down to one half because of some of these necklaces and headless.

They think that it's, they think that it's, they're making guitars now that have, that have heads, but not necks. Yeah. Say psych. I can't say psych, but I made it up. And now they have to. But you can't say psych. I'm not going to say psych.

No, but it's not true. The state of rock is so disgusting. I listen to that song. You know what brought me back the other day? I listen to that song. It's like, it's really good to hear your voice. Saying my name it sounds so sweet.

Lips of an angel by Hinder. Yes. And I was like, if I could teleport to one moment in time and sit there forever, it would be sitting in a really bad car listening to that song. Well,

your mom blows smoke in the back. And having dollar menu food. Because that is when America was actually cool. I genuinely like got in a style. I saw the Taco Bell menu from 2008 where everything was like a dollar. And it had like, it was like a marquee, like a movie. Yeah.

Yeah. I miss those menus. That made me so nostalgic. Don't show me these TV menus. I have a TV at home that I already have the menus sitting on so I can watch. Exactly. I have a best of. I sit down on the couch and I watch all my favorite items from every menu.

Best of Wendy's. Best of Top of Bell. Exactly. Where someone buys a TV from like Facebook Marketplace and they'd go plug it in and turn it on and it's locked into the McDonald's menu. It's always, it's always great. That's so funny. But yeah, fucking giant ass TV

Like, yo, I got this for 15 bucks I miss the Captain Underpants menus Where if you could, if you worked there You could conceivably go and make the burritos And what happened to cafeterias? Yeah I haven't seen a lunch lady since I was 8 or 17

Lunch lady used to be a perfect example Of something that was disgusting And now we don't even have that as a culture anymore We have a robot We have a robot Or some kind of or some kind of row or now it's like a lunch man

because they're making men work bad jobs you remember when we're grown up we had automats no you don't remember that's that where you'd go in autobots no it's an automated diner you'd go in you get a tray a lunch and some coffee never been and it'd cost a nickel are you sure you're not thinking of the future

yeah are you thinking of the future well it was futuristic when it came out and I think the 2000s so it wasn't the future you said it was futuristic it was futuristic but it wasn't in the future but they were really really good That was like the best food ever. The best food ever, I think, is not that. I think it's probably from maybe like a nice restaurant or something.

You think the best food might be from a nice restaurant? The best restaurant. I think the best food is coming from the best restaurant. Yeah. Wait, yeah. It's hard to disagree. It's true as fuck, man. With a lot of what you're saying.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's just the thought I have, I guess. All right, guys. Let me explain this war to everybody. Okay. I'm going to twirl my hair. Show and learn with Cameron Fetter, a swashbuckling descent into the world of archaeology and war. Sponsored by the Smithsonian Institute.

Okay, guys. So basically today's war is the war on masculinity. And today, instead of looking at a single artifact from during this week's war, we're going to be doing things a little differently. I'll be showing and talking about two different artifacts, One from before the war on masculinity and one from after. We'll be able to compare and contrast these items and deepen our learning. So here is our pre-war artifact back from the days when masculinity was still going strong.

This is a DVD copy of Heat. There's a lot going on here. Let's analyze it. I have a whole analysis to read for you guys. First of all, strong masculine name, Heat, reminds us of fire or spicy Indian food of type that girly girls don't like. Pictures of strong masculine men are on the cover here. And say the names of them.

They're all boy names, except for Val, which is a girl's name. No, it's short for Valeran. Val is a boy. Valerant Kilmer. Valeran. It's a girl game. What a name? It says, a Los Angeles crime saga.

Wow. Very, very masculine. Los Angeles, not so masculine. But crime is kind of like being anti-again against the city. So, anyway. On to the case itself, we have a DVD snap case. It's got, it's this classic style. Oh, I used to sit there in the 2000s.

This one, the snap is broken. Oh. Which is because a strong masculine man was using it too much. And who could that be? Whoever, whoever owned it before, I bought it at the MAGA flea market in New Hampshire. Whoa, that wasn't masculine man. The Londonderry flea market?

No. Oh, bummer. It has a paper cover. Okay, this case is sleek, but not stylish enough or good enough at protecting the disc to be gay. Yes. The back of the case has the names of more men, John Voight, Tom Seismore, and even a guy named Michael Mann. And John Voight, that's going to be the most masculine man ever because he had a hot daughter. Yes, absolutely.

Must have been a problem for him. We see here it's rated R instead of being rated G for girly girls or PG for pretty girls. Um, and it's a 172 minutes, which is the perfect length to quickly rewatch while your fiance gets a haircut. Yep. And you have nothing else to do. Pound that out. We even have a picture here on the back of what the DVD menu looks like. Bring that back. So we know what the menu will look like before we even put the DVD into our PS4, which could be for a lot of people a, a selling point where they don't know if they're going to buy the movie. And it says it's also, there's also no need to waste time being indecisive, waffling, female, feminine trait to be indecisive.

All you have, you know, a girl might put a movie in, not look at the back of the case and go, oh, I wonder if there's special features. Oh, do they have a stills gallery? Can I watch the trailer? Of course, there's a stills gallery. Yeah, I've studied this already. I know exactly what I'm looking for. I just have to find play movie.

Yeah. Where is it? That's right. Where is it? Sitting there in the menu for, and now that's an extra 45 minutes on the runtime. And now let's, let's open the case inside here. Oh, wow. That's good.

We have a scene index. Wait, let's smell it. We have a, we can smell it at the end. Okay. We have a scene index here, which has all of our favorite scenes listed out so we can rewatch them easily without having to go on YouTube to find one of our compilations. Can you tell me the name of one of the scenes of this movie? Yeah, let's read some masculine, some masculine scenes here.

Quick on the trigger. Oh, my God. Deals in the work. So good. A lead on Slick. Oh, scene number 18, the Grim Reaper visits. Wow. Followed by scene number 19, a mother's pain.

Dude, I like that one. That's really masculine. Number 26, invitation to coffee, not so. It's kind of gay. Yeah. Number 34, fallout. Number 35, the source of the leak. 36, revenge.

37, Charlene's choice. Oh, no point. 42, TV to go. What does that mean? That's the ultimate guy product. That's what that is. TV on the go. TV, and I'll have that to go.

52 end credits. Those are some amazing names. I mean, nothing gets more masculine than that, I'd say. And also, this movie has over 50 scenes. Most female movies have only one or two scenes. 50 states. Seen at the diner, seen at the home. Most masculine country.

Tom's diner. Female singer. Pat, give me a little smell review of this DVD real quick. Now that doesn't have a smell. Let me smell. I'll be the judge of this. Does not even have one smell even one bit. No, there's something faint here, man.

What is it? of paper? It is the smell of like your dad's copy of Moby Dick. Maybe it's your dad's copy of heat. He's like opened, the first two chapters have been ran through. Well, I can smell a mangrove forest. Man grow, men growing. I'm smelling really

kind of naturey, a naturey undertone. It kind of seems like it has no smell and then. And then you're getting... Let me get another wood. And then once you read the things, you're getting a slight hint of sandalwood. Maybe I can't smell because I have COVID. Yeah, you probably have COVID. Yeah. Um, guys, now let's take a look at the disc.

So the disc here in the case looks like a boob, which is feminine, but to touch and grab a boob is masculine. And you have to put your finger on the middle. That's how I grab a boob, too. I put my finger in the middle. You put your hands on the edge. I do it just like this,

and I try to take it off and put it on my TV. Now let's take a look. We got obviously a picture of the movie on the front. On the backside, take a look at this. Scratch to complete shit. Battle scarred. Yes.

Okay. This is very masculine, unafraid to show strength and damage. And also, if you look at a certain angle, it shimmers with hidden color, kind of the side of masculinity where a rough, rugged exterior, but on the inside maybe a beautiful rainbow emotion and also has a movie on it.

And then also, it's reflective. And the scratches aid in that where you look at it and you say, God, I'm so rugged and scratched up. I've had such a hard life being a man. And there's also a hole in the middle of my face. Yeah, from where a bullet shot me in the head. So this guys, I mean, I think just through this analysis, we can tell that this item from pre-war on masculinity

is from a golden age of masculinity. That's a relic. It really is. That is a true relic. And now let's take a look at a post-war artifact after the war on masculinity. This is a comparable item. So something that fulfills the same role,

but from a time period where masculinity has been beaten into the ground and essentially eviscerated by female and feminine forces. So let me get this out of my backpack here. Wait. There's nothing in your arm. There's nothing in my hand. For your hand. We men have nothing.

Wow. We've lost everything. Why is that? Because of wokeness. Because of femility. Because of femility and wokenessnessness. Femoids have destroyed this world. I wish I had a second artifact guys, but they're just, and they're making they may be making heat too

but it'll probably be cancelled. It's probably about... Probably dead in the water by David Zazlov's wife will probably cancel it. It's probably about a hot glue gun and doing crafts with it. Yeah. It's probably about blow dryers and hair products. It's probably called... It's probably called... It's probably called sheet. Sheet. Because it's like she but also like

shit. Or it's so good. It's called sheet. Oh like it's so good. Oh like she's so good. Yeah. Damn, that's good. And this is all because of wokenness, infected. every single aspect of our lives now I remember the first time

I realized that the world was getting woke I was born and then I looked at my mom and she was a girl and I was like this is getting to be a real problem this is gonna bite me one day and my mom bit me I was born to a girl my mom bit me

and my mom bit me to leave her mark on me she bit you femoid mark me on the finger she bit you on the finger to turn me to try and turn me into a wear girl really is this true when you were born this is when I was three and I remember

another big thing was in I think it worked 2009 the um the Cootie's outbreak yeah yeah after the financial crisis remember with the Cooties outbreak and the the government did nothing they let Cooties eviscerate the male community and let me I'm gonna drop a knowledge bomb on you right now it's not that the government did nothing they did something they planted cooties they were the ones who I treat the cash to stay the way same way the government streets cooties. I won't be satisfied until all the men get it. Get it?

Yeah. So they basically were doing tests to see if they could, what would happen. And what they wanted to happen was bad things. Yes. And the bad things happened. And it's as the fault of the government. Again, the IRS, the CIR. The cooties

breakout, I remember it was the same time that movie The Happening came out. I was like, wait, it's the same shit. Honestly, that movie is. Blow drying their hair, men, or blowdrying their hair looking, vacant looks, looking into the mirror. The title of that movie is so fucking prescient. Yeah, the happening. Because something happened.

Because something really was happening. Literally every year since that movie dropped, I look at the poster of it that I have on the ceiling above my bed. And I think it's getting true every year. Don't never watch the movie. Don't know what happens in it, but. You know what's happening? No, I'm saying it for this. But it's a poster.

It's so awesome. I know. I love that movie. It's great. It's so sick. It's basically I was telling a joke. I think it scared me more than any other movie. It's a great movie. I can't believe people hate that movie. Because of the bee thing. It's like that's a cool twist. Because of a bee? The issue was it's like the bees revenge.

Oh, it's the bees revenge? The bees are being eradicated. I thought it was the plants. Oh, wait, I don't know. Oh, no, no, you're right. Sorry, it's the plants and the bees. You have to stay with the bees or something? Yeah. I don't remember actually. Me neither.

But I'm guessing. Well, I thought it was the wind and then it was the plants. Yeah. The plants are. caused or if you're losing to wind you already lost because wind is going to be what a great

I'm going to go rewatch that movie man I love that movie I got really scared the day that I watched there was somebody in my neighborhood using a wood chipper and I freaked the fuck out

and I called my grandma Mark Wahlberg as a science teacher is really funny too yeah he would be I do have to see this you never seen it dude it's so awesome

he plays the same guy he plays in every movie yeah why would you cast yeah I don't know you should have casted Michael Sarah yeah he would have been good.

He wouldn't be more like a student. Although, honestly, he was young at the time. Honestly, Michael Sarah, Michael Sarah was the beginning maybe of the war of the end. Definitely. This is our leading man. And I was trying to slink back into movies.

Again, guys, because of work. Get the fuck out of here, bro. Get away. And you know what? Generation of men with Scott Pilgrim. Canadian worm. Leave. Now, let me just tell you guys something.

I think I have the song that's going to cure the virus that is woke. Really? Really. I have a song that I wrote. This is not a song that I found. You might even say you have the vaccine.

So this is your debut, the first ever song that you've written for the show. I shall live in the Frog Enterprises LLC. Oh my God. Oh, shit. You have the diplomats load on. For tax purposes. Wait, that is actually so fire. Now, let's see it.

Let's hear it. The diplomats? Oh, my God. The rock just fire. Oh, something's going on. Something is wrong. Woke attack. Oh.

No, can you like... Can you make the... Can you make the... Can you make everything fix? This is probably because of variety... Okay, now it's gone. What the hell is this? This is not the song.

Oh my God. What? Anonymous, we are Legion? Oh, wait. I actually fell for that. Me too. My fucking God. Greetings podcast list. What? We are anonymous.

we have gone completely woke we heard that you are about to release a song that would topple wokeness and destroy everything that we have built we do not like that using deep fake voice technology we have fixed your song lyrics to fall in line with what we believe

we hope you enjoy it I'm not gonna enjoy it oh okay good they're right about that oh no what abomination is gonna happen here this is gonna be horrible Wokeness is the greatest thing on planet Earth

If you disagree with that I'm gonna put you in a hearse I love funco pops in the marble universe I have the pride flag on my pink converts I sprinkle woke ideas into all of my verses In the pandemic I was clapping for nurses Whatever based is I like what reverses I think all men should be carrying purses

I think that we should call in armed forces And put woke in school into all of the courses I think white men should be turned into horses Use for transport with packs on their backs on their backs Cut their balls No! No woodcutters acts I think no movies should have Jack Black

It should be a girl who's named Jacqueline Black I think School of Rock is crazy whack There's not enough woke or any pro Zach I love mental health pay trickle down well I think USA should have stayed a commonwealth Football is lame what a dumb stupid game Unless you mean soccer, the world's favorite game. That's bullshit.

And should be taking all their wives or names. Sugar should be replaced with all aspartame. I like when bars have hella board games. Feminism should be in all video games. I love one to quotes in embroidery frames. What is that saying? What is that? What is that?

What is that saying? Tewee Magua I don't know what that was We got completely hacked by anonymous Is that a reverse? It might have been reversed I don't know I don't know exactly what it was

I really don't know what that was I really Is it Chinese? What was it? It might oh my God It might have been So you're just not going to tell us What you'd been put in a translation

Maybe somebody forgot What the translation precisely was But it was a different language You know that much Maybe it was destroy USA with woke in Chinese. Oh. See, but that's what Anonymous did.

China's anti-Woke. China's cooler than the U.S. by a long shot. Maybe it is reversed then. Maybe Anonymous doesn't know exactly even what they're even thinking. Anonymous has gone completely woke. I know what's really sad. Have you seen when you walk around

in like if you're in a crowded city square and the Anonymous will stand around and they stand around holding the computer screens? the monitors and they play videos of factory farming. That's all they do anymore. Really? They only, it's so funny, dude.

They used to be cool now. They're just PETA now. They used to be like trying to, like, they would hack Final Fantasy to put a bigger boo. Dude, it's so funny to look to look back on, I mean, I feel like I was very much on the, very invested in the internet culture.

I mean, I was a part of anonymous for like years and years. Or just thinking anonymous is like, damn, that's crazy. That's so cool. And think back on it. It's like, it's probably like one guy who like is not as

So it's like they probably did like, there's a group of people who hacked one or two things, right? And then there's some guy who buys the mask and sits in his room and, like, puts on a voice modulator. And it's like, just do like a random person on the line's like, we saw that you said the video game was bad. We, all of us will be hacking you. You will be hacked it very, very soon. It is funny. That video, um, that anonymous put in the video. Right.

was originally from a video that was saying that they're going to decentralize all the economies and that Bitcoin and blockchain is the future. And they literally did that shit. Yeah. It's so funny, the range of messages that they have. Yeah.

For being like that to be like, we saw that you, you're on your blog. Mario should not have a pink option in Super Smash Brothers brawl. Remove Peach as a playable character. They should never be a girl. I like Daisy.

I like Daisy and Rosalino. Yeah, apparently GamerGate's coming back and I'm ready to fight again. Again, another thing in the war on masculinity. Finishing this fight. Yeah, what was that? There was something called like Smiley Cloud Incorporated or something or like there was some PR firm. Oh, yeah, it was a company that like... Some PR firm that was making games woke.

They consulted on games to make them wokely. Yeah. And then the guy, the guy had a bunch of Twitter post where he was like, like, I just saw a white person and walked the other way. Hashtag they stink. Stuff like that. It's so funny. What an incredible job to have.

I can't imagine reading a story like that and being mad at that guy. Yeah. Instead of just being like, that is, that guy rules. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Do you think you could make insane bank right now starting a consulting firm for anti-wok to make video games? If your video game is too, you're worried your video game is too woke, hire us

Well, that's how it should be. It should be a... Okay, first of all, I'm just make them all white. All right. That's what you're done. Make them white guys. I think that they should

with stuff like that. If you're going to hire one, you have to hire both at the same time and then let them find somewhere in the middle. That's kind of like putting a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. I'm like John Stewart. I think that both sides should be getting shit on or shat on.

Well, I guess that's more of a South Park type of thing. Shit and. Shat. Shat is past tense of shit. I know, but I'm just saying, where does shit come into this? I think that you should shit on them. You're consulting for a game about poop. Okay.

I'm saying, we should make this shit white. We should make poop white. As the base consultant on the poop game. Make poop white. Make the poop just be white. Okay, so then what would the woke guy be saying about the poop? They also want it to be white, but for a different reason. All right, yeah.

See, that's where they shake hands and they find common ground. We need to get a sensitivity. person like that we should hire that firm to come fix the podcast yeah yeah because this guy's been going into some very dangerous territory recently with the things he's been saying i know i think if we hired that firm they might kill themselves when they saw patrick at some point i think that you at some point you have to you're going to have to be like a walgreens cashier so you need to make sure that you have a squeaky clean record when i was uh 16 i applied to work at walgreens and they said no because i'm bad at counting change i got denied a

a fucking coffee shop job one time because I had really dirty clothes and I smelled like shit. Hmm. Isn't that fucking woke? Maybe it's where you, did you have any experience working in coffee shops or? Dude, I'm so good at getting shitty jobs because I'm, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I know, I just, I just schmooze in the job interview walker and like, this is the coolest place ever. Wait, you guys wear stars on your aprons for how many years you've worked here?

Yeah, you were working so awesome. That's exactly how I've gotten all of my jobs. Whoa. That must have been easy at the liquor store because you were working at the liquor store for a while. That's literally how I got that job. Well, I mean, it was because my friend, shout out Ryan. Shout out of Ryan. But that is what I did in the job interview.

Oh, my God, this is great. So many bottles. Whoa. Wait, so you get to drink all of this? I think I think. I'm pretty sure. I was like, wow, this place is really organized. Yeah.

What about this place is organized? That's a very. general one you could do kind of anyway. Again, that's an expert trick. Every single job. Because you have to have a robot autistic brain for that to be something you say. For the organization. I remember, yeah. I love organization.

It's really organized. This looks like my organized stuff at home. Yeah. Every single job I've ever worked. Target. I love all the aisles. Wow. I like that's really smart to put them in aisles. Oh, so you can go to the different aisles. I can't wait to be a part of this.

Oh, my God, the shirts are so red. Oh, my God. I really like the red. Wow. I love cackies. Wait, you're wearing cackies. Whoa. Yeah, a little bit about me.

I like red shirts. I like cackies looking at me. My weakness is cackies in front of me. What the hell is this? Am I dreaming right now? Did I just make that happen? Is this job my heaven? Actually, it's our, it's our work uniform.

What? I don't think I can work here. I would literally come in my pants. She is in my cackies just by wearing them every single time. I would literally not. right now if you gave me the job. You guys use clothes hangers? Holy snap.

I have these. I like using those a lot. That's how I get into my car. Oh my God. This is so awesome. Wait a minute. Is that a fridge? No.

But then you hire him and he keeps doing it. Now anyone can do that at Target. Here's the advance move. Here's the trick. Okay. And this is this is employee of the month. It's a future employee of the month. Anywhere you go.

for the job you walk around Target. You show up with that. I love the aisles. Oh my God. This is great. You're so organized. Oh my God. I've always wanted to use a cash register or organized aisles depending on what you need me for.

Then you walk over to the electronics section, section where the TVs and stuff. I don't like this stuff. I don't think I'm just hurting my eyes. I don't want to watch TV. I don't think I'm going to spend much time in this section. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, and fireworks.

The job is for electronics. I hate fireworks. I think they're disrespectful and illegal. Oh, my God. Wait, is that Mungoose BMX bikes? Oh, I don't want to ride around those. I can't ride a bike and ever learn. Tech decks?

Techs with little ones that you can use to demonstrate. I don't think I was going through the toy aisle and saying, okay, not only do I not want to play with these at all, but these would be terrible for my children. Yep. My children don't get anything like this, so I'm not even going to bother looking at this thing. Wait, is this next to the groceries aisle?

Oh, my God, duvet covers. Oh! Oh, I think I'm going to like it here. I think I'm going to like it here. Every single job that I've ever had has been a place that is so desperate for new hires that I get the job day one and then realize over the course of like

the three months that I work there, like, oh yeah, this is why everyone keeps leaving. High burn rate they call it. Yeah, this is why everyone fucking quits. But the truth is, nobody wants to work anymore. Nobody wants to work anymore because of work. I'll work, man. I'll work too.

I don't give a fuck. I did a job on Sunday. Yeah. Yeah, and how was it? Pretty easy. Pretty easy. Put a bodega back together. Whoa.

That sounds fun, man. Yeah, it was actually pretty fun. I reorganized all their magazines for them. I put all the, I got to climb a ladder. I got to put a piece of, you know how you go into a bodega and you look up top

and you see rolls a tape and like wrenches and stuff and you're like, how the fuck does that get up there? Guys like me. Guys like me after their bodega is used for a pop-up shop for a makeup company. Same thing and I had this, because I went and worked for Jonah the other day too, and I was doing like setting up some display at like a store downtown. Yeah. And the disdain and alienation that I was feeling from the people working there, I got, it reminded me of like when I used to install like shower doors. Yeah. And be in like rich people's houses and they just don't even think that you're human. You're like, oh, I'm like the exterminator who comes to my house now that I don't want to look at. Yeah. I have become that guy to these people. and they just don't

they don't want me to use their bathroom they're trying to avoid me all the time yeah that is why you guys need to get jobs as an usher well because everybody wants to talk you are the star of the show

dude you've done that where's the bathroom sorry I'm inspecting the seal take your hand up shake my hand shake my hand I don't even want a tip

shake it shake it I don't I don't even, we haven't even met yet. How am I supposed to tell you where the bathroom? I'm not going to talk to you unless you formally greet yourself. What was, do you have you gotten interested in doing any more usher work? I honestly would love to. Really?

But, and yeah, the, the, the thing that I ushered for was the choir show that my fiance was performing in, but she doesn't do that anymore. I was saying I'm just going and ushering for it. I'm back. There's something really, really beautiful and lovely about to. getting to do something like that just like you have no connect it's a whole community that you have zero connection to everybody knows each other yeah everyone coming in the audience are either old people who are so senile that they want to see women sing in a church um or it's friends and

family you know and it's and everybody knows each other and you're just like a random guy standing there and they're just like okay all you have to do is hold out these programs i love do i have to having any job for one day that's why mike row is that i think i said it before truly i think my dream life would be to have every job in the world for one day. Yeah. I want that so bad. I got to go to the dump a couple days ago. Did you throw it that never mind. Throw out a bunch of shit. Yeah, the stuff that you moved. Yeah. Threw out a bunch of shit, man. And it was like,

it was exhilarating. Yeah. Yeah. All that particle board I could not believe it. People are screaming at each other. The guys who work there are the smallest guys you'll ever see in your life. They are this big if you're in a big truck, at least. And they are like, there's all this dust flying everywhere. mesothelioma asbestos disgusting stuff

something about it I was like I could do this for two weeks and be the happiest I've ever been in my life that's gigging man

real blue collar shit yep yeah real blue collar shit and that's a male instinct ushering ushering for one day

that is that is a that's a real man's job that is a real man's job it absolutely is to command the women it's all women yes women go over there

sit there guys sit over here me eat snacks Yeah, you eat all the snacks that are for everybody else. Eat all the cold snacks after the show starts. Yep. And you would not believe how many old people try to walk in without showing a ticket. Really?

Listen, bitch. Old people feel like they're not getting past. They feel like they own the earth just because they've been on it for 120 years. Yeah, yeah. Like all those videos, have you seen those videos of the people doing like the, the Palestine protests and the old people are just like closing their ears or like standing up and screaming at them? It's funny. Have that video that old man?

They cover their ears to scream? There's an old video. There's a picture of like two old people like closing their ears. It's like a Kristen Gillibrand event. And then there was another video where it's like an old man with a bowl cut and he keeps like standing up and going, shut up. Like he just keeps turning around and doing that. And it's like fucking crazy. He's like giving himself like an aneurism.

That video is crazy. Yeah. The funniest part of the usher job is you have to check all the old people's tickets because sometimes homeless people will try to sneak in. So you have to do the mental calculus of is this a homeless guy who is. trying to come in, and that's why he's acting crazy and weird, or is this a schizophrenic old gay guy who likes Christian music?

Wow. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, that is tough. That's a tough call, man. That's got to be one of the craziest things to do as a homeless guy. Yeah, to try and get into a women's choir. Well, it's just a church, so I feel like you can usually go into a church as a homeless person. Well, yeah, they're probably trying to go apologize.

They probably honestly, honestly, probably what it is is that they probably go to that church every day. Yeah. And then today I have to be like, sorry buddy the girls are singing they're going to do confessional to apologize for camping on the street

blocking the sidewalk for waiting yeah John was telling me I'd like to apologize for wasting my potential sorry father I've sent I've wasted my potential

I never did anything and I'm being a slob I could have been a singer or a dancer or some kind of guy who just does the worm but that's his only move John was telling me that the gym that he used to go to

would have like pizza Friday and they would just like have like you could just go in and get like slices of pizza that they do that planet fitness yeah he was at it was at a planet fitness and it became so overrun with like homeless guys just coming in and like stealing like pizzas that like they had to stop

doing it completely. They're all so skinny and confused they're walking in like this. Yeah like I go to the gym walking in with their own weights. Yeah. All right. Well that is our episode.

this week because Well, didn't you direct Heat? Well, I direct... Yeah, you're dressed up like Michael Mann right now. Does he have this haircut? Yeah, he has this haircut green and stitches. Really? And it's a cap on his head?

Yeah. Oh, well, then I guess I did do something. I directed Heat. I did watch the Oscars, though, and they finally went based and put a naked man on there. Mostly Oppenheimer. Oh. Yeah, Oppenheimer swept.

Who won Best Picture? Oppenheimer? Yeah, that makes sense. What else was even up for Best Picture? Killers are the Flatwell Man. Nine other movie. Well, dude, check it out. I'll tell you what it was.

I'll tell you what was. I'll tell you all the Oscars. I'll fucking tell you right now, but get ready, bro. Please spit. Here are the best picture nominees. Come bars. Come bars now. Shit.

Um, I wrote all these out earlier before. Uh, okay, we got Flophenheimer. Yeah. We have anatomy of a fail. Wow. Garby. Hardly. Garby even nominated.

Borghings. What's it? Poor things. Oh, boring. The groan of disinterest. Okay. I don't know.

I don't know about that one, what's wrong with that one? Well, it's about some very hard... Check this one out. Wasters of the afternoon. What? Okay, that one I liked.

The please be overs. I'm trying to remember all the other ones. Fuck, what else was there? Shit. Snow, what was not up, man. Poor things, I would have called that her thing. Maestro.

Midstro. That's good. Yeah, for poor things, it was either borings or snor, or snorbrings or something. Her tweens. Snortings. I don't remember what else there was, but they basically all were crap. Yeah. Bad year for movies.

Yeah. Great year for my friends and the food that I ate. So thank you to this. Oh, wait. Well, we're two. God is good. God is great. Thank you for the.

All right, guys. Well, that is part nine of the five weeks of war. And if you want to, if you want to, see the final part of it, or even half of the whole thing, you got to go to subscribe on Patreon.com slash podcast about list. And we will be having a shareholders meeting at some point this month. We didn't pick when yet, but surely will happen. We'll pick that this week. I'm sure we have to. I mean, we'd be crazy not to. But what else is happening this month is if the day this comes out, 13 days from then will be our first show of tour in Boston on

March 26th for World's Biggest Army and World's Biggest Army is coming and doing sketch and we guys, we were making videos and live sketches and they're coming out, oh so funny. Yeah, we did it one minute ago. And that's Boston, Chicago, Toronto, Atlanta, and Philadelphia. And then you can also

catch us doing podcast live shows in Minneapolis, Detroit, and Carperon, North Carolina, and Beersley Drink, we'll be back this week. Nice. Yes. I hope so. Fingers crossed. Happy birthday. Happy war on

The Woke, continue killing. Bye. Continue killing. I will make you skinny and tall. So you can never be in a single movie. I want to eat a fish. I will make Caleb see you at a bar one time. Robert Benson.

You'll never act in another Twilight movie again. You're banished to the world of Art House. It's a wizard. You'll never be popular. He accidentally just advances anyone's career. He tries to curse. Kivinard, you will wear a dress on Saturday live and never work again. Very well, Shane Gillis.

You can have SNL in five years. You will only be on it one time, and we'll see where your career is there. Yeah. Why is that so funny? It's just funny to imagine a powerful-teen-type guy just like talking. Oh, fuck. Fucking shit. Oh, it seems that I've sat on your acoustic guitar, Bob Dylan.

If you will be forced to play this electric guitar, you will enter a new era. Jordan Peel, you will never make another comedy movie again. You can't you will flop. before I make sketch comedy on TV. Off Mad TV. I will force Keanu to flop. No one wants to see a movie about a kitten. Oh, God, that is funny to me.

Keanu Reeves. Your fiancé will die in a car crash, giving you a flat and affable affect for the rest of your life. I, oh, no, what are you doing sitting on this bench? I suppose I'll have somebody take a photo, Keanu. This will not be endearing in any way. You will have bad luck for the rest of your life. You'll never be popular.

No one will know your name for your cat to have a grumpy expression for the rest of its life. Oh, a cat. What can cater to your talents? Perhaps a keyboard? And you will flop trying to play the keyboard and nobody will ever know your name, cat.