Podcast About List - Ep. 316 - KILL FUDD

Episode Date: November 20, 2024

Patrick Doran, Pierce Campion, Caleb Pitts, Alex Forrest, Joe Gleason, Fudd Hinchcliffe, Jubio - 11/19/2024 Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Mr. Fudd Hinchcliffe. Wow. Who's ready to have the best fucking night of their life? Me! The king. Give it up. He's the fucking. King, for real. Wow.

Wow. Thank you all for being here. First, I'd like to thank our amazing sponsors that make all of this possible. I'd like to thank Fireball Whiskey for providing alcohol, smart home solutions, truly hard seltzer, lose diner, Blinkist, Chewy, El Himador, Glenville, the vintage market, Don Perignon, Peloton, BetterHelp, Modelo, Especial. Urban bike rentals, DeSarono, Squarespace, Malay and Chandon, Keeps, Joe's Coffee House, Sierra Nevada, White Claw, Hard Seltzer, Airbnb, the Green Thumb Garden Center, Hymns, Pure Bar, Bombast, Stamps.com, Angry Orchard Yoga Works, Nume, Barefoot Wine, Innovate IT's, Consulting, CrossFit Union Square, Collective

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Wow, guys. This is exciting. Who's excited to get rude? I'm excited to be... Fuck you. Yeah. I'm excited to be crazy. Because one thing, because one thing, if you guys haven't been to a kill-fud show before. First of all, who's first kill-fud show is this?

Fuck you. That's a little bit of how we roll. And if you're expecting an apology, you're not going to get one. Because that's not how we operate here. You came to the wrong place. You came to the wrong place, motherfucker. Mm-hmm. Mamma jama.

And who here's white and who's black? Wow. Give it up for that. That's amazing. We're going to touch on that later. We're going to bring that up a lot. So I'm, of course, Fudd Hinchcliffe. I'm Tony Hinchcliff's younger brother.

I love your outfit, by the way. Can you walk us through the patches that you have? Sure. So these are some patches that I bought on Etsy from a store called Badass. Cool. This is my comedy mother. ship. That's basically where my brother works. So I like to rep it. I'd never been there. But I'm a big fan. This one, it's kind of, it says stand up and it has some fire on it. That represents

roasting. Hot jokes that are going to heat up the room. Are you a roast master general a little bit? I would say I'm more of a roast emperor. Roast emperor. Because when I get started roasting, I don't stop, which is what an emperor does. And then on the back of my vest here, So I don't know if here I'll go to the I'll go Yeah go to that camera So on the back of my

My vest here I actually have a picture of my brother Yeah it kind of looks like Maybe he's passed a past Yeah that's I mean he's kind of His face is a little Being on this show tonight First roast of the night

He said no He didn't want to come on the show He's too scared Yeah He knew he was gonna get roasted Of course we said him We grew up in a roasting household What was that like

Every day walking down You're getting your mom's making you breakfast. It thickened my skin. Thick in your skin. My white skin, pale as fuck. Yeah, you are pale. That's the type of thing that Tony would say to me when we were growing up. You call me white. Yeah, that's the main roast you would use against me. Really? How did that make you feel?

It made me laugh, which is what I do when I'm confronted with roasting. I see. And what everybody should do, but seems like nowadays a lot of people can't. Why don't you give it to the audience a little bit? Sure. All right. Mr. Hinscliffe. Here, maybe I should stand up. Yeah, stand up and give it to him a little bit.

Okay, let's see. What do we have here? Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Okay, first of all, you guys are looking very dim. Like stupid? No, the lighting. It was my sunglasses.

It was my sunglasses. I couldn't see. Okay, beardy. Oh, something funny back there. So it looks like they should. human desert is cracking up. Dress the color of sand. Wait, they're both dressed like sand.

Yeah. Two grains of sand. And one rock in the middle. Two grains of sand. And one rock gray. You're just a gray rock. Okay, beardy the rock. Beardy the rock man.

With his little shoes on. And you know his shoes are little. Smell them. Come here. Smells like shoe bottom. Ew. Gross. I'm going to call you Grosy the Rock for the rest of the night.

And you're all buttoned up with your red socks. Okay, little Lord Fauntle Roy. Damn. Yeah, go ahead. Cover your face. You think you're playing peek-a-boo because you're just a little nephew. You really do come from a roasting family. Yeah.

We have a lot of nephews in my family. Really? So I know a lot of nephew roasts. Do you roast a hell out of them? Oh, yeah. Like what? They can't get enough of it. They like when I roast them.

Hey, shorthy. I say back off. Uh-huh. That's my main roast. That's a good rose. Get away from my sandwich. Uh-huh. Uh, what are you drinking there?

Looks like a, what is that, a jug? Kambucha. Don't even get me started. I love the stuff. It's actually so great. Yeah, you'd think just because I'm a rude roaster, I wouldn't enjoy a feminine beverage from time to time, but I actually quite like it.

Is it really cheers, my friend. Do I have to do more roasting? You don't have, you know, you don't have to. I just thought you wanted to maybe. Because it's like there's only three people. Well, you can roast us too. Like, I'm bald, and he's, you know. You certainly are bald, baldy.

Brat. Kind of brought that on myself a little bit. Yeah, you know what else you brought on yourself? Your boyfriend's jizz. Okay. That one was pretty good. Yeah, your boyfriend's ugly, too. Oh.

Yeah, who is he? Him? Yeah. Who is he? No. The guy sitting next to you? Why are you guys sitting next to each other? I have to man the soundboard now because you're up there.

The microphones are over here. Okay, soundy. Fatality. Yep. So I'm probably going to get the shit beat out of me after the show tonight, but I don't care because that's part of what makes comedy funny. Do you ever get worried for your life? All the time.

I'm constantly in danger. They're trying to blow me up. The American government. Really? I'm a flight risk. And they try to blow me up. Oh, because you're a roast. Because I'm a row.

Yeah. They say that I'm going to heat the plane up too much. Yeah, with the roast. When you get on a plane, are you roasting the passengers as you go to your seat? Yeah. I'll do an impression of it right now. Okay, yeah, you're walking through the plane. Okay, long hair.

Hey, four eyes. Nice little shirt. That would be, if I saw three passengers with long hair glasses and a little shirt, that was nice little shirt. I'm a fashion fan. Uh-huh. I mean, that's clear to me. I like fashion. I'm not going to roast someone if they're wearing a nice little shirt.

No. You just have noticed how I didn't say a nice little shirt to you. Yeah, I did notice that. The shirt is really little. When's this face? This is when you make a really good roast. That's a good one. That's the roasting face.

Meanwhile, the color of your irises is so dark. It looks like big pupils. It's got brown eyes. Brown eye? You know brown eyes. another word for a butthole. I've heard that, yeah. And butthole is another smell for him.

Damn. Okay, this is enough of this. I can't take this roasting anymore. No, it's dangerous. It's actually going to hurt somebody. It's way too dangerous. So, you want to introduce the format of the show a little bit? Sure.

So basically, I know that we had one person whose first kill-fud show it was. And first of all, fuck you. Yeah. And yeah, it's going to go a little bit like that tonight. That's basically the format of the show is we say fuck you to the audience by bringing up some of the worst, most awkward comedians that Austin, Texas, where we are right now, has to offer. So basically we have a hat, one of my favorite hats, actually. I wear that hat and we're not using it on the show. I learned about this hat from R-slash-male fashion advice.

I love that. Buckle hat, Pilgrim hat. We're going to bring up, we're going to pull names from the hat, bring people up, and they're going to perform one minute or however long, I guess. However long they want, really. We only have three people here. Unadulterated, unfiltered, raw stand-up, motherfucking comedy. And then we'll basically interview them.

Okay. With questions and roast the hell out of them. Okay. So why don't we start and pull out whosoever is going first? Guys, ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for your first victim of the night, Pierce Campion.

Wow. Hey, guys. Hey, buddy. Good to see you. Mm-hmm. Fuck you, too. Yeah. You guys are so, you guys are great, but I prefer comedians who are a little bit better.

So. Yeah, maybe just get to your material instead of roasting us. That's our job. All right. Don't wait for the interview to roast us. Okay. So I used to appreciate a man's best friend. but whenever I tell my dog

who's a good boy he turns to me and says yo dog if you keep saying shit like that we can't be homies anymore I don't fuck with this weird shit I ain't I ain't never been to some

sketch ass party but I was at this one where people look like they needing some hard drugs I felt like I I need to call an emergency number. So I did. Call my dealer.

Damn. Okay. I bought a fancy alarm before going to bed. But it never goes off when I wake up. But yesterday it finally went off. I walked all the way over to the wall to turn it off. But the problem was my door was open and my TV was gone. Oh, a burglar alarm.

Clever. Yeah. My dad and his grandfather spent a good chunk of their lives in the big backyard growing nuts. That's just the setup. But I was forbidden from picking them because when I did, they would yell, Ow, my balls. It's pretty good. My drinking problem makes me spill my drink.

No. And struggle to hold my liquor. Well, now that I think about it, it's more of a motor skill issue. I'll get that one. Yeah, me neither. It's where in play. Skill issue. So study the grates.

Yeah. And you'll start to understand jokes like that. I'm pretty boring when it comes to drug use. I only used cocaine once when I was 19. and three things happened. Number one, it made my penis shrivel up to the size of an acorn, which is TBH wasn't that bad because technically it grew by a quarter of an inch.

Number two, it made me talk shit at light speed for 20 minutes. I could have put, insert someone known for talking shit, to shame during that time. And number... Hmm? You could have said fud. Watch your fucking mouth. Oh, yeah.

I could have put all three of y'all roasters to shame during that time. And number three, I just ended up projectile vomiting over all the other guys of the gay orgy. I remember thinking to myself, to people pay money for all this? Or all, to people, to people pay all that money for this? What else? I just have a few more here. uh global warming is uh no um they say um they say um okay hey i have like four left uh if you have four you like best please let me know of the ones i'm about to sorry we'll let you know all right and this is

13 of them. Hey, I'm a big racist. My favorites are Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Lance Armstrong. Just don't like Usain Bolt because he's black. Okay, now it's getting a little more edgy. Yeah. Yeah, okay. This is what

we're here. Yeah, thank you. This is all the stuff I wrote specifically for Kill Fudd. Guys, honestly, the only problem I have with women's ports is that women's sports is that they're a bunch of cunts. I really don't like when people honk at me while driving. Like, I'm on the phone.

Oh, like, I'm on the phone! Oh, I see. So don't honk. Yeah. I fell in love with girl with lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side. That's good. That's good.

I really crushed last Tuesday. Best AA meeting I've ever been to. Bad. You hasn't been sad. My grandma suffers from Taco Bell's palsy. She eat a chalupa, and her face a droopa. I like that one. I like that one.

I'm a cancer survivor, and cancer taught me a very valuable lesson. Don't get cancer. I like that one, yeah, actually. It's actually helpful. Don't cry over spilled milk. Save it for when your dad beats your ass. That's kind of sad. Penny for your thoughts, and I've got like 200 bucks for a blowjob.

if actions speak louder than words then what the fuck is miming all about they say beggars can't be choosers but no one is forcing them to shit all over the sidewalk oh i like homeless beggars yeah beggars um and this is the last one i play i play softball in a really poor part of town someone stole second base. So now we can't play anymore. Okay, give it up for Pierce, everybody. Okay, so first of all, what are we going to roast first? First of all, your jokes.

Your jokes were complete shit to be completely frank with you. I mean, the whole... You look like a bearded rock. Yeah, a bearded rock. Yeah, because you have this gray shirt on. And gray paint. We'll touch on that real quick.

You guys should have smelled their shoes. I bet his shoes smelled like, they have rocks in them? They stunk. They smell like a shitty rock. Yeah. And his feet stink too under there. The entire time you were talking, I was sitting over here and I was like, how could a rock be talking right now? I don't always wear a gray shirt.

Really? Because it's the only time I've ever seen you is in one. Yeah. And my shoes don't stink all this time. It's only because I had to walk through so much shit to get here. Wait, hold on. You walk through shit. You walk through shit to get here?

Yeah, because your stupid venue is in the middle of shanty shit town. No, it's not in shanty shit town. It's not in shanty shit town, no. I had to walk through all the shit to get here. God, you took an interesting route. You don't usually have to walk through shit. Shanty shit town. I don't even know if that's a real place.

I think you're, is this an attempt at a comedy joke? No, but I did see a homeless guy on the way here. Really? What was that like? he was he's shit everywhere i'm shit on my shoes he's shit everywhere shit everywhere on my shoes so he thinks his shoes are everywhere oh and you also i mean to be fair

to be fair this hobo probably looked at you and said well this is just a rock i'll just shit on this rock it's not wrong to shit on a rock wait when did this rock get my beard yeah yeah you're like a combination of a hobo and a rock I don't care. Really? It seems like you're about to cry. I don't care what you say.

Yeah, okay, homeless rock. She looked like a rock with no hair. Whoa. Oh, snap. Okay. I don't think you've ever. So, if someone shaved a rock.

Okay. So it's clear that you've never actually seen a rock. That was fair play. You have earned my respect. That was a good roast. Yep. You're up here floundering, like flounder the fish.

And then now you're making jokes like joky, the rocking. rock so do you uh what do you look like the rock what do you do for work i think you're set rocked actually thanks what do you do for work um i'm a consultant you're a consultant okay and that's your first time doing stand-up or nope no how long have you been doing it a couple months okay a couple months well now that you've earned my respect would you like to come open for me and missusula montana really yes i would Oh, my goodness.

Any other, any other others? And you said you're, uh, yes. Yeah, would you like to be a pebble in my garden? Dude. Yeah. No, that's, honestly, though, respect. Thanks. Deep respect.

But wash those shoes. Yeah, wash those shoes. Because they smell like rubber. Just throw them in the washing machine? Just throw them in the washing machine, yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you, Pierce.

Hey, guys, thank you so much. Yeah, I mean, seriously, like, I had a good time with you. You have potential. Yeah. And then I'll see you after the show. Great. Yeah. So you guys will, yeah.

That's amazing. What I've always loved about this show is it, you can go. It's not that kind of show. No, yeah. Guys, we're going to cut to commercial. Read them all again. Yeah, all right? So, first of all, I'd like to think,

Fireball Whiskey, Smart Home Solutions, Truly Hard Seltzer. lose diner. Okay, let's get the, let's, let's, let's, what, I mean, what an incredible night already. I mean, what I was doing to say, the laughs are flowing, first of all. I mean, everybody's, who's having a good time out here, huh? And who is it their first time coming to see us? You sir, are fucking twat.

You're a twatting bastard. Look at you. Look at you. Look like a pebbly sand shit. Yeah. So what I'm seeing is rocks and sand. Hmm. Mm. You know what?

Why don't we, you know, we've heard, we've heard from a, our first amateur. Why don't we get a professional up there now? Oh, a real pro. Yeah, let's get a real professional comic. Okay. How about Mr. Oh, I don't know. Patrick Doran, ladies and gentlemen.

Give it up for Patrick Doran. It's going to destroy the set. Oh, my God. I'm so happy I can be here tonight. Wow. I'm actually, I'm just doing my little drop-in set. Yeah. Rain drop.

Yeah. So my chick wanted to add food to our sex life. which isn't all that bad. Yeah, Dirty Talk nowadays is dunk that chicken nuggy into the barbecue sauce, pulling hair and yelling past a dip, bitch.

That's why you're a legend. So, my chick wanted to kink up our sex life by adding food. I said, I'm down, but she didn't like my choices. She was thinking, whipped cream, chocolate and strawberries

and shit. She should have seen her face when I started munching on some nuggies and fries. Yeah. Even used her belly button to hold my ketchup. So I had this chick and they wanted to sex up our, or kink up our sex life. But had food.

Yeah. It was cool and all. But now I get a boner whenever I think about bacon. But it would be cool to start putting some. pussy into my breakfast vagina and gravy tits and biscuits blow jobs and eggs

people ask me all the time Dakota why do you want to become a comic is it because you want to make people laugh no it's because my dick isn't bit enough for porn so apparently comedy is considered an art form

so I'm going to start naming my jokes like real artists. This next joke is called Two in the Pink and One in the Stink. No, it's not about fingers and a chick's pussy and butt. It's about Taco Bell. Long story.

Anyway, who else thinks that Taco Bell sounds like a Mexican phone company? Give me a sound effect on that. I'm bald now I have to grow up because I was playing with a bald man

there are two bald white people going outside to play ah I also have a friend whose hair is falling out it can quickly be bare so you know

as an old saying goes two bald white people are a company three bald white people are a group of people a group of people held a tiki torch and knew about the shape

of a skull but take those three bald people paint them blue find a group of people so I've heard this joke I've heard a version of this joke Oh

Interesting Dude nowadays I once had a chick Asked me to reverse 69 I asked her what the fuck does that mean Do we have to tickle each other's assholes With the back of our heads No way

My hair is not smelling like farts So this chick sends me a nude the other night Nice It was sexy It was sexy, but you could see this chick's messy room. In the background, I mean. There was clothes everywhere. Messy bed, a McDouble sitting on the nightstand.

Bitch needs to learn how to crop. But it was sexy, though. Don't get me wrong. It was sexy. Sexiest burger I've ever seen. There was a burger in the photo? Yes, there's a McDouble sitting on the nightstand. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Is it just me or is Kenny Rogers a sex god? I mean, think about it. You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run when divorce is done. Oh, yeah.

Why are dolphins considered smart? Like, who was it that decided on dolphins being the smartest animal? Like, really, these things can't even move their creepy-ass faces. They look like pedophiles with Down syndrome. That's what we're talking about. Don't hurt dolphins, bro. You're telling me that there are creatures with 13 million more neurons than humans.

I don't buy it. All they do is swim around raping things and make songs that like barbarians. That's like our bottom 5%. Also, I've heard that dolphins have been known to get high off of puffer fish. Yeah, dolphins be like, fuck that seaweed. Puffer, puffer, puffer pass. So I got robbed by a guy. gang of snowflakes last night

yeah they were like give me your wallet or we'll cancel you it was crazy they were vaping and live streaming and selfieing kind of hard to be scared of a group of people when they smell like kiwi strawberry that's a real problem

though the snowflake gang so I don't get some terms like beefing with someone why are we making beef out to be bad Sounds like some vegetarian came up with that bullshit Yeah I love beef Did I already do the

Did I already do the material about Spicing up my sex life with food? Yeah Okay, yeah you did that Here you did the whole You remember Oh right Yeah

You're talking about putting ketchup in her belly button and stuff Should I Should I do one more? Yeah do one more Just want one more? One more from the legend of the great Patrick Doran. A.K. Patrick Dakota Doran?

Am I going up again? Are we going up again? You can, dude. You're a legend around these parts. I think I burned through everything. You burn through everything. You burn through everything. You burn through everything. That fast? Yeah. Okay.

India leads global banana production. It seems like we are overcompensating for something. We? Yeah, India. Latest trend of drinking ochre water suggests improvement in digestion. blood sugar and vaginal lubrication now I can finally be good

at lady fingering people mistake toxic waste as shampoo and take a bath in the Yamuna River in literacy in India is head and shoulders above the rest elderly man

performs car watch shot Chaututh Puzha for Mia Khalifa He broke his fast after he saw Mia Khalifa moon on camera He ate I'm from Tennessee I'm just going to go through all this

Yeah All this material, all this new stuff I'm working out I'm from Tennessee And on the rest of the world Thinks about Tennessee They think about meth and flip-flops Yeah meth flops.

Yeah, I'm thinking that's a new shoe. Meth flops. Meth flops by sketchier. That's good. Skechier. I don't get those who beg for money on Facebook.

Seriously. Do what any other non-hardworking American would do. Starten only fans. Show some titties and feet. But not if your feet stink. Like a certain I think it's just my shoes.

Oh, I think it's just his shoes. So shoes our feet. Yeah. So actually this just came up in a scientific article, but we can move on. Yeah, we'll move on from that. Thank you guys. That's been my time.

Wow. Hey, keep your ass up there. You're not safe. No, no, no, no. If you do a drop-in set on Kill Bud, we are roastingly interviewing you. That's our trademark. Yeah, so when did you start doing comedy?

I started doing comedy six years ago That's great man That's great So do you like it Do you like doing it? That's great That's great, me too man

Yeah So what's up? No nothing Just decided to show up Do the show You asked me to Yeah Anytime man

Yeah I'd love to have you drop in Oh you got anything Where did you get all these ideas For these jokes Mostly just from a guy On Instagram I found

I just stole all of his material Oh nice man good and who what are you wearing who are you wearing tonight i'm wearing uh looks like uh custom clothes nice i'm a fan of custom clothes myself i think it's i think it's one of the sponsors yeah custom clothes yeah zela's custom clothes zela's custom clothes give it up for zela's custom clothes in hack and sac new jersey wow wow and give it up one more time talk about a pile of shit Oh, sorry. Can't turn it off.

He had the shit shanty, Tanny. He probably walked all the way here from Jersey. From New Jersey. You probably walked here from New Jersey. Yeah, New Jersey rocks. Yeah. Quote unquote. Yeah, and you rock.

Bastered. Yeah, I do. All right. I'm just so happy he's going to be open for me in Montana. Yeah, that's going to be exciting. Give it up for Patrick Doring, guys. That was amazing. And an amazing roast session by us.

You know, you got out. Oh, my God. I can barely sit down. There's so much fun. fire on my ass. It's like we fucked you up your butt. Yeah, with a fire rod. Yeah, with a fucking rod of dildo fire. I would love to see the guy who would fuck you up, up your butt. He probably has no nose. Yeah. Because it stinks down there. Yeah, Voldemort. Fucked my ass because I'm so evil. Yeah, you got fucked by Voldemort. Yeah, I got fucked with this fucking wand. There's something

so great in saying words that we aren't supposed to say. I can't get enough of it. And if you don't fucking like that we just said that, get the fuck out of here, bitch. Yeah, this say network TV. We can say what we want. Yep. It's YouTube, motherfucker. Rock, Baltimore. Stinky. Stinky. A couple of pieces of sand. All right. Who's our next

Oh, our next one? Let's see. We have... I mean, do we want to move to the next one? Yeah, back to the hat. Let's give the legends a break for a second, right? Let's go with... Joe Gleason. Oh, my God. Joe Gleason. Joe Gleason, everybody.

Give it up for Joe. Mr. the Sandman himself. I wasn't expecting to get called up. Yeah, yeah. It was surprising. Well, you put your name in the bucket. Yeah, you're going to get called up. You can take it out of the stand, too.

Yeah. Let's take it out of the stand. That's what you want. Okay. All right. How's it going, guys? It's good, man. Why don't you get to these jokes?

Some of these material that you wrote on these index cards. The jokes that you wrote, just say all the jokes as you wrote them. You can I put your gum in my cup? good catch wow nice yeah how come all these bitches with banks be eating soup when women get hurt it's hell of surprising i mean i pretty much only ever expect that to happen to dudes. But sadly, I've seen a lot of women get hurt in my life. But I have seen a lot of men get hurt, too.

When I kicked them in the nutsack, whoo! Classic joke, Lisa, joke. Yeah. I'm actually so happy to be here today. Yeah, here on Earth, I'm an alien. Nah, but I might as well be an alien, considering how I don't relate to anyone my age. No.

It's hard being 17. I have so many emotions. I thought I got this girl pregnant the other day. Turns out, she just swallowed a bowling. ball. That's good. It's actually dangerous as fuck. Oh.

He's likely about to pass away. How come every girl I love fucking dies? Some people have to deal with ghosting. I have to deal with ghost bitches. I'll leave you with this one. Okay. Why are they called video games?

Is it because you watch them while someone else plays? Like a video? Like a video? Thank you guys. I've been Joe Gleason. Woo! Give it up for Joe. Wow. Joe. Joe, you wrote all you, so this is material that you wrote.

If I didn't write it, then why would. Yeah. Why would it say that right there? I mean, I'm going to get, I'm going to tell you straight up, Joe. We get a lot of like dog shit comics on this show who come up. Yeah, I saw him earlier. Like a rock. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. You're so in the spirit of the show. It's unreal. So what do you do for work? I kind of do like part time video editing stuff. Sort of like Instagram. How long have you been doing comedy? I wouldn't fancy myself a comedian, but I... Well, you showed us otherwise. Yeah. That was really funny. How would you like to open for... Sand? Grain of sand.

Yeah. How would you like to open for me in Missoula, Montana? That would be a massive honor, man. So something that I really like about your comedy is not only was I would crying laughing, I was crying, crying. Yeah. You put a lot of sadness. It's an emotion.

Is it true that every woman you've ever loved has died? The bowling ball thing is real. Really? She ate a bowling ball? Well, I made it bigger for the comedy. She ate like a little, you know, the magnets. And that's going to kill her? Yeah, it's like,

she had a magnet and a bowling ball hit her in the stomach because the magnet was so powerful. Bowling balls don't have metal, and you would know that if you went to school. Oh, shit. I just got chills. Yeah. Fair play.

Because it's nighttime on the desert. and you're a grain of sand. Biggest damn grain of sand I ever see. And when it's nighttime in the desert, it gets really cold. Wow. You know what I love about you, man? You can hang with the big dogs. In daytime, it's hot.

Hot. Yeah, yeah. I'm seeing a mirage right now. Yeah. Like my hair. Yeah, is your hair is a mirage. That's his hair. Wavy, too.

Oh, whoa. Is that really? So how long have you been, how long have you been tall? Eiffel Tower? Sand Castle, yeah. I've always been pretty tall, but then I had a growth spurt. I grew about a foot in two years. Wow.

Because you're only 17. I'm only 17, so I did that this year. Wow. I grew about six inches. And you're already doing part-time video editing. You are such an enterprising young. I mean, at 17, that's a pretty good career. Anything past that, it's not really very.

How would you feel about help? me move into my new apartment in Missoula, Montana next month. It would be an honor. Wow. All right. Give it up for Joe Gleason, guys. That was amazing. That was incredible.

That was so funny. I mean, again, what I love about this show is that the little guys are getting opportunities. Yeah. I mean, that's two people at this point. Who are opening for me in Missoula, Montana. Opening for you in Missoula, Montana. You want to plug that show real quickly. Yeah, I'm going to be opening for...

What are you opening for? What are you opening for, man? I'm opening for Artie Lang in the snow of Montana. Okay. But I'm happy to bring these guys along with me. You guys are going to be rolling deep, man. So what's that show going to be? Yeah, so it's going to be me.

Well, but you're first? What about these guys? Well, I mean, I'm opening. Uh-huh. So me opening and then. I guess more, it's more hosting. So you're going to open, they're going to open. They're going to be doing their, I mean.

And then Joe's going to open my boxes of stuff and help me unpack them. Oh, okay. Pretty good. My trophies. What kind of trophies do you have? Comedy, cooking, you know. Cooking. Fashion.

I feel like that's not going to do that, of course. But yeah, cooking. I've been really into cooking. Really? What kind of recipes are you made? Yeah, chicken breast recipes. Yeah, nice. Sounds good.

Sounds really good. Because I like breasts. You are the straightest guy on planet Earth. Fucking excited to have sex tonight with a woman. God, I don't want to watch. With a woman. All right, let's bring up our next comic. Let's bring up our next comic.

All right. Go ahead and read that. Yeah, let's see. Who is next? I don't know. Let's see what it says on the paper. All right. Oh, here you go.

I don't know who's next. I can't read that. Really? I can't either. Do you want to read it? Crazy chicken scratch, I guess. It's me, you guys. That's why I couldn't read it.

That's why we didn't read it. We wanted you to read your own name. Because I shut your name out of my brain when I see it. Give it up, guys. What was your name again, by the way? Caleb. Give it up for Caleb, guys. Thank you.

Guys, can we just leave Lizzo alone? Can we leave Lizzo alone? I mean, guys, she's got a lot on her plate. yeah probably a hot dog and a piece of pizza and a birthday cake it's her birthday it's her birthday happy birthday Lizzo and a fucking flute what she plays the flute of champagne yeah flute of champagne actually a flute of uh yeah a flute of probably broth fat bitch okay um there's a sexual harassment meeting at my work job tomorrow I got excited the second I heard her ass hmm yeah I call it sexy

harassment at work HR was not amused my job is so fucked up here's my first filthy one I might delete not my style but the other day I woke up with a white in my mouth. I wouldn't have minded so much, if not for the feathers. Woke up with... Oh, my God. I woke up with a chicken in my mouth the other day. An entire chicken.

A rooster was in my mouth. A cockerel. And I was thinking, man, this was not that bad, actually, until the feathers were stuck in all in my teeth. Feathers are actually very useful if you're designing clothes. oh wait sorry i just got a note i got a i got a note on this one actually a little edit i'm gonna do this one again the other day i woke up with a white cock in my mouth i wouldn't have minded so much if not for the cluckin feathers do you feel like that makes it a little bit better

the cluckin feathers the cluckin cluckin or cluck and and not if not for the cluck if not for the cluck if not for the cluck and feathers cluck this go cluck yourself maybe if not for the feathers mother clucka Mother clucka would be very good. Not for the cluck and feathers, Motherhooka. They cluck the mother hen. Shit, then shoot up the stage. You know what I'm saying? Okay.

Let's go to this one. I feel like most country song problems could be solved by a vacuum cleaner. Dusty off the bottle, dusty boot band, a lot of guys named Dusty. I mean, what entire world of dirt are they living in? okay sandmen cool down rocky because a rock is a type of dirt as well yeah rock music got a whole another thing rock's small enough rock yeah you're not even a rock you're just a young pebble yeah pebby uh stinky and i got notes on this one too i feel like most country song problems could be solved by cleaning products got a little dirt on my boot just use lysol there's a little

Well, dust on the bottle. Use some Windex on dust. It's actually really important to use to clean off your bottles before you drink them with Windex. It can be very dusty. Some people can be allergic to dust. You can get allergies on your lip and face if you're just, if you're swinging from the bottle, Hennessy like I do. You're going to want to dust it off first. You big drinker? Yeah. Really? Yeah. So what I'll do is I buy a bottle and I leave it on top of my bookshelf for about six months so it gets really dusty. So what I always make to do is I get a swiffer sheet and I kind of I wipe it off. I drink it all one night.

I see. Yeah, I like to drink. Really? Yeah, I like to drink jokes. Well, I hope that you... Yeah, like I'll drink jokes to understand them. I hope that you like to drink Fireball Whiskey, Truly Hard Seltzer, Elhimador, Glenvalet, Don Perrione, Peloton, or De Serrono.

Oh, yeah. All at the same time. That's my breakfast. Damn. You are a savage friend. That and an egg. Ooh. Roasted egg.

Yeah, egg jokes. All right, I got one. last one for you guys. This one is called Uncle Drive. I was on an Uncle Drive with my uncle recently, and we drove by a school bus that said live video monitoring and process. And my uncle turns to me and asks, do you happen to know where I can tune into the video? Oh, snap, your uncle's a pedophile. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff you get on an Uncle Drive. Yeah. I hope the Hancliffe family knows about that one. The Uncle Drive. Why do I feel like that was written for the Hinchcliffs.

Yeah, yeah. So, Caleb, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it about 20 years. 20 years, yeah. Wow. Wow. Have you ever been to Missoula, Montana? I can't, you know, even in that 20 years,

I don't think I've been to Missoula. Yeah, well, how would you like to come and open for me in Missoula? You're fucking kidding. Yeah. That is a huge opportunity. Of course I'll do it, man. Yeah, give it up for Caleb.

Give it up. for Caleb. Is that all you wanted to say to me? I actually have something to say. Roast the roast, yeah. No, I was just impressed with your set. I don't even want to roast you. I actually have a piece of advice for you

because I find you very funny, and I always have. Thank you, man. Sir. But one thing I wanted to say is, you know, make sure that your son, make sure you keep him away from your white shirts when he's got his crayola crayons in his hand. But the design is actually really interesting.

wear that. I would wear that. It's actually badass. I thought it's a cool shirt. It's cool. Yeah. But I would probably, I would, if it was made out of leather, yeah. Yeah. It might be cooler. I really like leather. Oh, imagine the leather pattern. Wow. That'd be amazing. Pieces of leather cut out. Yeah. Pieces of leather cut to look like this. I wish you would pattern into a million pieces like a wine glass when it hits the ground. Like, like it patterns apart. Shatter. These are the word you're talking about. Shatter. I do a million pieces.

You shitter. You dumb, motherfucker. You fucking bastard. All right, well, that's going to do it for me. I guess the roast session was concluding. Give it up for Caleb, everybody. He's brave. He's brave to come up here looking like that.

Let me put it down at the next guy's level. Oh, snap. Oh. Okay. So you want my penis to talk. Yeah, a cock's going to tell a joke. Somebody, somebody call the... No problem for me. I got the loudest cock in Texas. Yeah? Really? Oh, yeah. Somebody called the fire department. It goes like this. Please, no, don't check me off.

Do you, what is your favorite sex position? Do you like it from the, like, missionary or doggy? So I do a combination of both. Really? Yeah. Because I like to do, I like to, as you notice from my outfit, I like to mix things up. Yeah. I'm not the type of guy who's going to do just one. thing for sure so i'll do my right half of my body is going to be missionary and my i mean her body can we ask another question yeah um so who are you dating right now um can we ask another question so uh the last date you went on what was her name can we bring up the next person please yeah who is the next person i'm not sure well there's only one person left well we got

we got another person in the crowd do we have material for them to do i don't think so I think they could come up and do their real stand-up. You have material? Yeah? I've been watching the show for a while, but I've been right here. Well, why don't you come on up here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Forest. Alex, ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome to the stage. Surprise drop-in set. Moving really slow as, you know, at first I thought he was saying, now I'm thinking he's more molasses. I forget my material already. I have to remember it. Okay. All right, that's fine. You can just come up and chill for a little bit. so you're kind of a grain of sand as well yeah not as big as the other grain of sand we had

yeah yeah not as small as the rock though sorry did i not wear the right well let's let's hear your jokes okay yeah yeah um um after a bad start so far right can i use that could i play with yeah yeah you play with it sure okay wait i can get my uh material okay okay all right i'm ready i'm ready i'm All right. I can get my material. What are you a researcher? Trying to harvest genetic material from a specimen.

Are you an art teacher? So my nerdy little cousin built a time machine and let it, use it to go back in time, take Marie Antoinette on a date. Damn. You know, in this age of mental health, it's important to check in. So I volunteered to be a wet nurse from my friend group. Let's just say, yowch. They spikey mat. Oh, they're sucking on your tities.

I see. Okay. Going a little blue. Yeah. Like the milk from Star Wars. Oh, wow. Filmed in Austin, Texas. Do you have a joke about Star Wars?

No. No. Okay. But this is kind of a similar one. These movies, movies make no sense nowadays. The Hunger Games, more like the hunger, give me back to Jamaica, man. So that's actually a joke that you stole from me. I did that joke yesterday on this show.

I know, it was really funny, though. I just wanted to try it. That is, we have like a zero tolerance policy for joke fever. Because this is like people's, this is all we have. This is dreams. Yeah. This is, and beyond that, it's my job. Yeah.

And it's like you wouldn't walk into somebody else's a job and take something for sure. I didn't need to disrespect your job. You wouldn't walk up to the ice cream, man, steal one of his cones. No, my jokes are my cones, man. Okay. And toppings are. So let's get an... And when the punchline is the sprinkles.

Let's get an original scoop. The punchline is the ice cream. Let's get a new flavor, please. The setup is the sprinkles or the cone. I can do other jokes. I can do other jokes. All right. This is a character.

Okay. This is horny, horny E.T. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get the mask. Oh, yeah. I've brought some of the gym. You brought up a, great, a prop comic.

Okay. I'm actually a little intrigued. I'm a fan of props. Okay, it's an E.T. mask. Okay. Or maybe a mask of his own mom. Lucy's PCs? Nah.

Give me pussy. Okay. Thank you. Wow. That was good, yeah. Or you have more? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was your big finish.

Okay, so this is a... I can't wait to have a big finish tonight with my girlfriend. Yeah. Jizz. Jiz. This is a... Okay, I, uh... Uh, okay.

Nervous much? Um, okay, so this is a comedian who... Don't worry, bro. It's only streamed to 700 million people. Yep. Do you guys know Diary of a Wimpy Kid? Oh, yeah. Yeah, one of my favorites.

Yeah, so that... book was really, that was a really important book in my childhood and I tried to, I wrote this joke in honor of that. Okay. This is a stand-up comedian who is, uh, really likes that book. My wife is exactly like Freggley. That's the, yeah, that's it.

What's Frigley like? I don't remember. He's kind of like, oh, he's kind of the weird kid. He gets the cheese touch at one point. It's actually fascinating. Your wife is like that? No, that's not. We don't play. We don't, we don't play about that.

Don't, hey, don't cheese touch the host. You never cheese touch the host You gotta go like this Nah Nah Nah I'm sorry You're lucky you got me laughing Because if we were out in the streets

Right now I'd rip your head off Okay He does MMA Yeah And I would rip out I would rip your dick off Because you're not using it ever He just said he's gonna finish tonight

That's funny but I used it this morning Yeah roast more And you've used it this morning To wipe your clean your kitchen Because it's so clean Yeah it's never used And you use yours on a child. What you don't realize is you just implied my dick is big enough to cover the kitchen counter.

You used your cock on a child. And that child was actually a movie star. Whoa. Hold up. Bragg much. Yep. I think he's winning the roast bell. I wish you would go back to the movie store where you work.

Oh. And I'm going to, if I worked at the store, you would probably be the janitor. And then you would be cleaning up my cum because I'm coming. I'm coming everywhere. You come into your job? Listen, buddy, if you worked at the store, I would not come to that store. Because no white's allowed, baby. No whites allowed?

There's no whites allowed at your store. At the movie store? Well, I'm not white. What are you? I'm Native American. Oh, okay. Yeah, 100% Native American. Is that your roast?

No, that's just a fact about the hingecliff family. Roast battle, yeah? Native American, more like, more like, Nate, nah. Wow. Okay. That is the type of humor we actually like here. Give it up for Alex.

Alex, Alex, let me ask you something. Okay. What are you doing on December 21st? I have my daughter's christening. Oh, well, if you're not busy, would you like to come open for me in Missoula, Montana? Yeah, can I bring my extended family? Yeah. Come right, they can open, too.

Okay, yeah, they're also comedians. Yeah, all right. Well. Great. Give it up for Alex, everybody. Thank you. And there it is, guys. That's what I love about this show,

is just people get opportunities to work with much bigger comedians. It really is amazing. Yeah. I think we only have one... I think so. Left. Who could it be?

Ladies and gentlemen. You don't play with me. Oh, I don't know who it could be. Ladies and gentlemen, let me just look in the hat. Your last comedian of the night. Your final act. You're closing. one of the greatest comedic minds

to ever walk the face of planet Earth please for the love of God make some noise for the one the only Bud Hitchclam! Woo! who's that? That's my brother, y'all.

Give it up for Tony one time. Love Tony. I never understood the name of his show. Kill Tony. Yeah, never want to kill this. It would have been great if it was love. Yeah, that's what I say to him every night. Love Tony.

That's how he signs his text messages to me. So, hope you guys are ready to get offended. First of all, I watch this show called the Flintstones. Most of you guys look like you probably watched it. Sand and rock. but when you watched it it was probably just called the news

old ass sand and rock do trio Tony Hawk has partnered with Chipotle to make a Tony Hawk burrito give it up for Chipotle

and give it up for screwball peanut butter whiskey thank you screwball peanut butter whiskey one of my favorites enjoy that and and Warby Parker and I'm really loving the new screwball

peanut butter whiskey non-alcoholic variant. Yes. My favorite drinks. Very, very good. Tony Hawk is partnered with Chipotle to make a Tony Hawk burrito. With the burrito, you also get early access to his new game. Gwok and DLC is still extra. The king.

What? He said Tony Hawk. Tony Walk. Tony Walk. Tony Walk? Like he doesn't have a skateboard and he just walks around. He's walking. Tony Walk.

Pierce, how would you like to come open for me in Missoula, Montana? Can you say that one more to the Tony? He said one more thing. Tony Walk? He said Tony Rock. Tony Rock. Yeah, Stony Rock. Oh, see, he takes your bullshit and he makes it actually funny.

That's what this patch is all about. Yeah. You can't buy this. You got to earn it. There's a stereotype about breastfeeding that if you hear a baby cry, you'll leak milk. But that's not what makes. makes me leak. What makes you leak?

I'll tell you what does it for me. Drinking noises. We're not done yet. I'll tell you what does it for me. Drinking noises. Pause to hear the drinking noises in the room. All drinking noises. I've chosen the worst profession.

It's rude to ask a lady if she's pregnant, but I find it's much ruder to ask, Did you eat a baby? The king! How does he do this? I really don't understand dog shows. All the dogs seem reasonable to me. I like that one.

Whoever came up with them must have been really into dog butts, and they wanted to be celebrated. for that and share their joy with the world. And that's the punchline. It's a good punchline. My mother told me she's going through Beyonce aging syndrome. Supposedly, it's when your breasts start sagging to the left, to the left. Wow.

Like her music. I don't go in for that type of music. I like rock and roll. What's your favorite band? I really like, what's his name? The Hawkeye. Hawkeye? Jeremy Renner?

Jeremy Renner. The Wren. He has a band called Hawkeye? He is a band called Hawkeye. He is a guy called Hawkeye. Oh, yeah. I'd like to call him Hot Guy if I was gay, which I find funny. People say I'm a heartless joke machine, but I have empathy.

Like, my granddad had a pacemaker installed to deal with his arrhythmia, and there's nothing funny about that. A pacemaker is a joke. heart machine. I kid, of course. A pacemaker is a hilarious medical device. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Who's there?

Death. That pacemaker is knock, knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. You do like rock. Pacemaker is hilarious. The show. So this is one I found. If God truly does love you,

if he truly does guide you and guard you, if he is all powerful, then why should I fear anything natural are supernatural. That is a message that resonates with football players. You're not thinking about getting hurt. You're thinking about doing your job. When you have that attitude, you don't have to live in fear. You live in freedom.

Wow. That's it. Last words must be hard. I'm sure I'll mess it up. I'll be on my deathbed and my wife says, my wife says, I love you. You've been a great husband, an amazing father. You're a good man. You're really going to

enjoy heaven. I'd be like, you too. Damn. She's really going to enjoy heaven, too. That would be such a beautiful last word. My gaydar... Murder suicide with your wife. My gaydar is so bad.

Wait for audience to say, how bad is it or something? How bad is it or something? How bad is it? It's so bad that if you looked at my Google search history, this is really in it, it says, is Rosie O'Donnell gay. She did the voice for that punky, little gorilla in Tarzan. Straight women do not get cast as punky little gorillas.

They don't. It's true. It's true. Sometimes comedy is about trying to get an applause break. For sure. There's no good way to pee outside if you don't have a penis. What am I supposed to do? This, this, this, this.

Or this, this, this, they get bigger. that this is. Oh, my God. They say people who peel labels off bottles are sexually frustrated. I've spent the last three months peeling. Wallpaper off the house. No. I'm moving soon.

Oh, yeah. You're moving. He's helping you. God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Eve. The male French name spelled Y-V-E-S. This is more of a visual joke. That's, that's, that's pretty good.

This is my last one. Okay, guys. This one coming up. Hold on your seats. I'm going to see a lot of tears, I think, from this snowflake right here in the front row. Dress like a snowflake, too. Pale-ass shirt. Yeah, you're more of a snowflake than even a rock.

That rock shit was just, I was fucking with you. There, actually, I did actually just read an article that some rocks can be snowflakes. Yeah, I've read something similar. You are a flake. I met some. someone, haven't seen her since. Damn. Give it up with a one and only FH.

Thank you. FH, FH, FH, FH, FH, FH, FH. So, thank you guys. Fudd, how long have you been doing comedy? I've been doing it for about six days. Six days? Yeah, we started this show about last week. Wow.

That's incredible. whose first kill-fud is this dude honestly I've picked on you enough like a boogie wow and with that I'm going to sit back down

well I think that Mr. Patrick has something to ask you know oh no I don't have a nothing uh all right yeah you sit back down

yeah give it up one more more time for Mr. Fudd. Well, Fud, listen, this has been an amazing show. I think are you okay?

Everything good? You had a great set. Yeah, it was pretty good. I thought it was really good. And that's what I love about this show, you know, is just how good... Why are you throwing your hat around like that? Oh, it's the end of the show, so.

why are you being like this like what how am I being like anything you're being like an egg baldie it's pretty good it's pretty good right yeah it's pretty good right Patrick yeah

um do you want to maybe but maybe you could do a couple more roast to show Patrick how funny you can be maybe thinking about that maybe yeah I think I actually need to go the bathroom yeah I'm just gonna end it okay all right it's gonna end so that's been our show thank you all for coming yeah thanks everybody um yeah give it up for uh we'll be back next week right same time same place

we got Tulsi Gabbard on next week that'll be a really fun one yeah where's he goes he really going to the bathroom i think he's really going to the bathroom yeah he's kind of just hanging out on this. He doesn't look happy. No, he doesn't look that happy. He looks unhappy with how the show went. All right, I guess we're just going to, I guess we'll end it. Yeah, that's in it.

Thanks again to all of our sponsors. Yeah, thank you to Fireball, Smart Home Solutions, Truly Hard Seltzer, Luz Diner, Blinkist, Chewy, Elhimador, Glenn Valet, all of them. Yeah, so let's go ahead and cut. Yeah, let's cut here. Please. Please, can be cut right here? Can we just cut right now? Home alone.

Home alone would be an even better movie if they, if, when she really realized they forgot Kevin, they're on the plane and then the plane gets rerouted to transfer. Oh, no, we left Kevin. Uh, ma'am, there are bigger problems. We're going to transfer away. Dude, imagine John. And that would be, and then Kevin, we maybe cut to Kevin every like 30 minutes or whatever. He's put marbles on the ground

and put it glue in the toaster of him and then we cut back to him and dad's blowing up before he has entire every time we cut to Kevin it's just one of the scenes where where one of the wet bandits's like has him like it's none of the scenes where he's getting trapped. It's a scene where he says he's going to

bite his fingers off and it's like the scene when he grew out like just only five seconds of because there's more important. We don't give a fuck about that. No there is the thing is that like truly like it's scary and it sucks to leave your kid at home on the wet bandits terrorize him, but almost

every other situation in the world is more dangerous than that. There's so many more pressing issues and honestly what we should do is we'd have it like be mainly by the Transylvanian anything and then it starts also cutting to like a geopolitical conflict in the middle. Fallujah, I was just going to say. This is what's going out like this family's

dealing with some shit. They have to fight Dracula and their kids and they cut to Iraq. But there's, but like people are dealing with real shit out there. They need to contextualize Kevin suffering in that. It's not that bad.