Podcast About List - Ep. 318 - The Three Christmas Ghosts

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

These ghosts, who haunt no one in particular, are here to teach us of the past, present and future of Christmas, and there is no message to their story. Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

too bad you gotta do it on camera now yeah you thought that you could hide from the world my addiction to square your square is showing well i guess it's more of a rectangle all squares and rectangles are the same i agree because count them one two three four yeah and then one two three four sides and corners mm-hmm one middle and corn is square the kernels the kernels what the fuck is cornice i'm not talking about cornice that's a different cornwallis that's a different Cornice Square. General Cornwallis? No, I'm not talking about General Cornwallis.

He was a Civil War general. The Civil War. Speaking of Civil War generals, the one we have in the White House just did the unthinkable. Joe Biden has pardoned. On the first day of Christmas, Joe Biden gave to me a pardon for his criminal family. Thank you. Thank you, Madison Square Garden. We should go to Madison Square Garden and do a 12 days of Christmas.

Christmas live concert. Does the 12 days of Christmas start with 12 things or one thing? 12. It starts with one thing. It starts with the partridge. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

Because one partridge and one pear tree. That's two things though. It is two things. That's just the second day. It's a partridge and a pear tree. But for me it's like when I think about well so it's and then it's also like you're getting a partridge in a pear tree every day.

Yeah. Well, yeah. So that's that, yeah. It's really a lot of people think about it. They think it's one. one partridge? It's 12 partridges. 12 partridges. 12 pear trees. Okay, I guess I'm meaning pairs for

what's the 11 thing? Uh, golden ring. Five golden rings, six, no, six lanes, six lords of leaping, seven swans of swimming, eight milks of milking, nine golden rings, ten golden rings. Fucking God, it sucks because you have to go

back, you have to go forward. I know, it's the worst. What's 11? 11 lords a leaping that's lords a leaping it is so that's if you're getting 11 lords a leaping you're actually getting i don't want that you're getting 22 lords of leaping i don't want that you get that you got to get it twice what's the 12 thing the 12 days of crisp french hens no fuck me man i feel like i should know this one day one partridge and a partridge and a what's four five five golden rings so that's great because you're actually getting 25 golden rings. I'm down with the golden rings. You're getting five golden rings every day for

the last seven days. I'm perfectly fine with golden rings. Is it just an itemized thing or is it you get you get it every single day? On the first day, my true love gave to me a partridge in the pear tree. On the second day of Christmas. 35 golden rings. Yeah, that's what I said 25. 35. If I said 25, I'm at 35, it's a lot of golden rings. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You can actually get, it sounds like a shitty Christmas. Yeah. It doesn't sound that bad. I would kill for 12 Lords of Leaping. Can you pull up, But do you own 11? We don't know what 12 are. I don't even want a fucking Lord leap in anywhere near me. I want lords to leap. Let alone. Let alone that many.

Go-bye, Elon Musk. Later, Lord's of my Lord. Leo, can you pull up how many, can you pull up the 12 days of Christmas list? He doesn't. We don't even have looking here today because it's in the studio in real life. So we can't look today. And that camera just shut off. Which I think is good. I'm looking. Yeah, that's what.

I said this whole, I had this whole thing. I was like, oh, this camera looks so cool and it'll look cool when Julio's sitting there. And then it just looks like fucking dog shit because it's blue. Technology. Unless Julio wants to get up and then close it and open it back up. We had a perfectly working technology set up beforehand. We did. It was hubris.

Can somebody, no, I have to bring this up because I do think it would help me. It's not a song. It is a song. Technology surrounding me. There is a song. Okay. If anybody remembers this, please reach out to me. Right around when Korn's Evolution came out.

It's evolution. Yeah. There was a very similar song, I'll admit it, very similar song that I thought was by corn that goes, technology surrounding me. And I thought they were both by Korn and that they were next to each other on the album track list because it was like the opposite. The opposite of evolution. is technology.

But I looked up the lyrics. Nobody has heard. I bet it's a different, I bet it was something else surrounding. Technology. But technology, technology. You wouldn't,

don't tell me you wouldn't listen to that song. I didn't say that. It goes like, technology surrounding me. Yeah. And then it's, it's best for free. That's not true.

You're making up now. The way you just said, that makes me distrust the entire story. The song is called the tribute of Tesla. It's called the tribute to Tesla It's not called that By Static X It's probably Static X

Static X doesn't sound like that though I don't know Static X is I just assumed I just assumed all their songs About technology Well they are all about technology No POD

Static X songs are all about technology But he's not gonna be He's not gonna be singing like that POD is We are we are the Youth of a Nation That's an amazing song Technology surrounding me

Yeah And in my mind It had a fan music video That was clips from the Matrix On YouTube that I used to watch Technology But that's in your mind You just said

Surrounding me mind It had that I used to watch Well the whole thing's apparently in my mind The song isn't even fucking real How that hurts me That I could be so Such a fool And I've had so many

horrible things happen in my life that I traumatically invented a song about technology. Technology surrounding you. It's not by theory of a dead man, is it? Does that sound familiar? That sounds right. That sounds like the same type of band, doesn't it? It does sound actually really right. Does it go? Is it one of the lyrics technology? I don't know. I'm just looking up random stuff and seeing if you remember it. He's showing his slick new

phone case. Look at this thing. Oh, look at me. I have an incredible phone. Why don't want to chew on this right now? Yeah, well, you could. That's why it's such a TV case. No, that's, that's, you know, I saw them live. Oh, yeah. So you would know. You would know if Shinedown wrote it. I fucking love Shindown. Technology surrounding me. Technology surrounding me.

What? Do you talk about your dream? Speaking of made-up scenarios? I also had this dream the other day that Julio thinks is quite funny because I brought it up as if it was something that happened on Thanksgiving and I just, I like had this vague memory. Okay, actually, this is good to just ask you guys. Do you guys remember, on Thanksgiving, did either of you dare me to drink a half of a bottle of Coca-Cola and, like, chug it? Yeah, Noah did. He did?

There was a Diet Coke. Okay. No, wait, really? Yeah. And I chugged it? I don't remember. I remember seeing half of a Coca-Cola bottle and then me. Yeah, when you had Thanksgiving with us, nobody remembered nothing.

I remember I tried to. What was that? I did get a little bit. I tried to put it in some frenet, and then Noah said, no, and then it was already, he was like, no, that that is mine. Okay, then I didn't drink it. Okay, so that means that I really did just have a dream that somebody challenged me to chug a half of a bottle of Diet Coke and then I did it and nobody was impressed with me. Yeah. Half, chugging half isn't. That's why I'm like, why was

that even in my dreams? Yeah, it can be impressive. It can be, you know, it's, maybe it's hard to do, but it's not impressive. It's not impressive at all. I don't know why I would have a dream like that. Like, you could have, if you chugged half of a three-liter bottle, I would not, I would be like, yeah, so what? Even though it was an insane amount of choked. Yeah. If you ever had like a sex dream where neither of you come at all and then you just kind of cut your losses because I had one of those. Really? Recently? I had, got me up. I was like, yeah, neither of us. It's not going to happen for either of us. In the dream, I went back to bed. In sex dreams. In sex dreams. In sex dreams, do you really...

It's really weird. Do you nut in a sex dream? No, it was like, I don't think I normally dream about nutting. I, well, I think most of the sex dreams have ever had. You usually dream just about the nut. Yeah. Your dream starts your, oh! And then wake up.

No. Really short nut dream. No, I had a dream. I had a dream where I, like, I fully, like, I was too winded to continue. That's sad. And I was like, well, I mean, I might as well. That's, that's the most sleep after. dream i've ever heard by the way that's exactly what every sleep apnea dream is like yeah it's like

you're at the grocery store and suddenly you're like i can't breathe why can't i breathe at the grocery store yeah i can't wake up immediately after so maybe it was that was that was a sleep apnea dream 100% sleep apnea is so horrid i had one of those for the first time i have those all the time that's horrible you think you you're you dream that you're drowning yeah oh you wake up and you actually was i had the worst one i had a huge acid reflux attack in my sleep because i didn't uh because i We had that Taco Bell when Julio got in the town. Yeah, they got Taco Bell delivered to the bar. Yeah, and then someone gave me an extra burrito.

It was all cold, too, because the guy drove to Greenpoint and then came back. That's what happens, man. And, yeah, it was all cold. And then I was, I mean, I was pretty, I was pretty drunk. And I ate a whole cold burrito. And then I fell asleep and then woke up and thought that I was throwing up, but it was just acid reflux. And I was like, man, I'm getting extremely fat. The second best dream you've told me about today.

I like the sex one more. While we're updating each other on everything that's happened, something crazy happened to me that confirmed my belief that I do have powers. Let me see the power. I can't show it to you, but I can tell you with the story. You said that to us as if you've introduced the idea that you have powers to us before. It's like to confirm my belief. Okay, but this is him confirming his fine.

This is him telling us about his fun. I've always suspected. Well, tell me what you suspected. Let me tell you the story. But I want to know first so that we can confirm it. Oh, you want to hear it. want to hear the end of the story first. No, I start at the beginning. Just sit tight. Sit tight.

I was at a restaurant with my wife. We were having a dinner date. And I, we walked into the restaurant. What was the meal? The meal, I had some fried chicken. Some kind of, you get the type of fried chicken that you get at the type of

at the type of restaurant where they do it in a, in a fancy way. Do you know what I mean? Butter milk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Brian. Fucking legend. And I walk in there And I have No more story

You got your story Privileges revoked because you got too hungry Yep That was too far I'm too hungry I don't want to tell it anymore You have to tell it bro Please tell me the story

It's about you having a power First you try to get me to ruin the story Yes I did And you try to ruin the story This is a testament to the weakness of your story That you can't power through and tell us Right well the thing is can I tell you

it's not an interesting story. And if I could have gotten over with it in 10 seconds, it would be okay. This is, you have to tell it now. I'm going to tell it. Okay. So you said you weren't. I said that because I didn't want to tell it.

You still don't want to tell it. No, I don't. You have to tell you. I walked in, I want to hear your powers. I want to go home. No, you can't go home. You have to tell this story. What's going on, man?

What's going on with you? You have to tell this story right now. Is everything okay? I walked into. the restaurant. I ordered. Well, first of all, we had oysters.

Damn. You didn't even tell us that. You're fucking buried in the goddamn lead, dude. That's the fucking sickest thing I've ever heard. But before all that, we walked in and I just had a sudden, I had a feeling. I had a feeling in my brain. I was like, I feel like there is a celebrity in this restaurant. And I was like, maybe I like caught a glimpse, like a glance of someone out of the

corner of my eye. And that's why my brain is telling me this. but I looked around, I looked at all the tables, and I couldn't see that there was a celebrity in there. Okay. But I felt, I thought that, at first I thought that I must have seen somebody and, like, subconsciously registered it. But that was not the case.

It was a random thought that I had. I was like, oh, I feel like there's a celebrity here. There wasn't one. As we're finishing our meal of... Dude, I already told you. Those fried chicken and then oysters, he didn't say what she had. No, no, no, please. Dude, just say what she had and then say the celebrity.

You're asking me what my wife had for dinner. I want to know the spread. I want to know the spread. The fuck is wrong with you. What's wrong with that? It's incredibly impolite. It's incredibly impolite. How's that incredibly polite?

You're asking what a woman ate. I'm asking what the bill was. I'm asking what the, I'm asking for a food tour. You're asking what the what was? The bill is the itemized receipt. I'm asking for how much we paid. And I want to know that too. That's too far.

Please tell me what happened. It sounds like a legendary night. Beanie Feldstein walked in. Oh, wait. We knew about this. Feltzian, who's that? She's, uh, Jonah Hill's sister. You texted. Oh, okay. And I was like, oh my God, it's meeting felicity. And then I, I only remembered after that I had had that thought, you know, minutes ago that I thought that there was a celebrity there. I had a full

premonition. And she, that's my celebrity would show up. Final destination. It was crazy. You know what? And I'm not even, it was a full premonition. She is, um, she's gay. She's gay. this could just be gay d'ar. Okay, either way, she wasn't there when I had you thought. And I also didn't think, I think there's a gay person here. So that kind of falls apart as well. Well, you could only, what if it's only for gay celebrities?

I did. When I walked into that, I was like, I think there's a gay person here. And I was right. Yellow ass hat, yellow hat. That's like literally, that literally is in prison. That's the gayest thing you could do. I said, yellow, that's orange. You know the difference is yellow and orange.

Well, you might have celebrity. gayed are, though. So I don't really see how being gay has any part of this story? Who is the next story to come out, or the next celebrity to come out? Who is the next celebrity to come out? I don't know. I don't have a celebrity gay to. Oh, Alan coming.

I can sense if a celebrity is going to be in a place in the future. What? He's been out forever. Alan coming? Yeah. He's not fucking gay? I said that as a joke. He's not gay. I was thinking of like the straightest guy ever.

He's really bi. Yeah. Wow. You thought that was so funny. I did. Imagine how amazing it would be to be his girlfriend. Dude. I imagine it every day.

Alan coming. Okay, next celebrity. Let's go. Let's hear it. Who's coming out? I can't give you that information. Because it's secret. Yeah, I'm going to get killed.

Yeah, and you can't out people. Can you allude to them? Do you think that a celebrity, if I, if I say something like that, a celebrity, a celebrity, is probably going to use some kind of twister machine to kill me. I got it. Or maybe fly a fighter jet at my house.

It's just, it's fucking... Twister machine. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm going to be, I feel like I'm going to be killed by a hitman if I give away the information of who the next gay celebrity is going to be.

I get, I get exactly what you're saying presently. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Do not subliminally out them, bro. That was a really thing. I did not subliminally out anybody.

I'm on the line here. Okay, some unnamed celebrity could be my hangman. Yeah. God damn, you're getting close to the sun with this one. I'm a maverick. I don't follow rules. You're getting a little bit too close, man. And what's the one with Sidney's when he called?

Anything but. Well, anyone but him. Say anybody but him. Say anybody but him. No, he's Z. There's no way he is. He is because he did that movie with Sidney Sweeney. True. Because he took a break from doing his movies of airplanes and Twisters to say, but check this out really quick. Don't worry. Best cover ever. When I, that was like a Netflix movie, right? Like that was like, no, I was in theaters.

Oh, okay. You're thinking of Hitman. Wasn't that, didn't it like do poorly or something or anyone but you? I thought that that movie did poorly. And I was like talking about it in an elevator one time. I was like... You thought the movie did poorly. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up. There's no way to make this story to make that much sense. Stop, stop, stop. What floor to what floor, bro? No, it was garage to first floor.

I like this. I like the detail. Because it means you don't have to tell the story. Okay, what pants did you have on? It was the summer. So I was wearing, I think, shorts. How crazy that you remember is this? This is when I was in L.A.

And I was going to say elementary school. No, no, no. I was going to. Erwan. You were going to heroin? You went to Erwan, bro? In the Pacific Palisades, too. What the fuck?

For what? Why? You know we are. You really got a $20 smoothie at Arrowline? Oh, yeah. I was on vacation. Was it good? No. It was bad?

Did you get the one with the swirl? No, I made my own. Maybe that was the problem. Did you add C-Moss? Wait, you made your own. Yeah. You paid extra to get like a chocolate smoothie. No, no.

I got the cheapest one because I made my own. What did you get? It was like a pineapple, ginger one. with Ashwaganda and like all this other kind of stuff. And I also, I saw a celebrity there, but it's not one that either of you care about or no. It was Tony Alva. It's got to be a skateboarder.

Yeah. The, the Z boy. The Z boy. That's a celebrity. You just outed a skateboarder is going to Erwan, which is a great. I know.

I know. That's why I remember I saw him. You should be afraid. I saw him and I was like, no fucking way. Well, he's, saying a skateboarder of heroin.

Saying a skateboarder is a celebrity is like saying Osama bin Laden. Well, he was a, A Solomon Lahn's more of a celebrity in this game. That's true. True. But he's a criminal first. This guy, he was a celebrity.

Yeah, the bully at the school is a celebrity. Lords of Dogtown. The movie's based on him. Okay. I heard the movie Dogville was based on you. What's that one? I don't want to say.

And I hear that you're based on dogs. Is that the one about a rapist? Yeah. Oh, that's not nice. He's really mad that I interrupted this story. I just thought it was funny because I thought of the dogtown dogville. I don't care that much about the story.

It was. It was pretty rude. I was. I wanted to know about his food. Well, you should have just asked him afterwards. I should have asked him afterwards. And now that you have completed a giant rift between you two that will never be healed. I think in general, I would consider it rude to even talk about food.

I agree. I don't even like talking about food. He doesn't like food at all. I hate talking about food actually. Even like spaghetti and sushi? Yeah. And ice cream. And ice cream.

And honestly, I do think that if somebody started talking about, to me about food that I didn't know, I'd immediately stop liking them. Really? If that's the first thing somebody wants to talk to you about? Yeah, that's true. I guess that's. Well, what if they're in a chef outfit? If they're in a chef, well, outfit?

If they're, okay. Are they the chef and they're making me the food? No, they're just a chef in an elevator. Listen, I don't want to talk to the chef. I want to talk to the waiter. Yeah, that's real shit. Nobody ever says my compliments to the waiter. Yeah.

You are a real motherfucker. I go to the chef and I say, give my compliments to the waiter. Give my compliments to the waiter. I say give this, I hand a paper to the waiter that says give this to the, I say give this to the chef. And the paper says, give my compliments in the waiter.

That's why he's so legendary at the restaurants, man. But actually the compliment to a waiter is the tip. That's why. That's true. All chefs get is a measly compliment. That's why I go complicate. I switch to switch it up. Because sometimes, you know,

I've talked to a lot of waiters. I have a lot of waiter friends. They get tired of the tips. Because the tips are so impersonal. Fucking humble brag. Yeah, I'm friends with a lot of friends. fucking waiters so what i make friends with the waiters because how could you not be friends with somebody who brings you food so crazy how he tries to act humble but he's really bragging dude i'm

not even bragging about how many waiters i know at different levels of restaurants fast casual and sit down okay all right yeah your arrogance your arrogance is honestly pissing me off i don't know a single your braggadocia's behavior right now see this is a modest man he doesn't know a single fucking waiter but you're like oh i know the people like Kava. No, not Kahn. I mean, like, I know. Oh, he's too above people at Kava. No, no, the people at Kava. Listen, I like, I like, uh, I like Anthony at Kava. Perfectly fine. He's a good guy. Which type of places, Kava? It's a fast casual place where you get all your food for free because you know the people who work there.

You know the waiter and you get the food for free. He knows Anthony at Kava. He just said. Anthony at Kava, but, but Alfie from Carbon is telling me the other day. Alfie from Carbone? Is Alfie a dog? No, man. He's a perfectly amazing guy. He's Venezuelan guy. He's not, you said Venezuelan people are not perfectly formed.

He's perfectly formed. Okay. Yeah, he's in what way? Like his entire body's perfect. Okay. Even though he eats all the food for free, he gives me a lot of food. He has to be beautiful to work.

Yeah, he's really handsome. He had to be beautiful to work at Carbone. But anyway, he was telling me... Put him perfectly formed on your resume. Yeah. He was telling me that the waiters think of the tips as more, that's a little impersonal. It's like when you get a gift card for Christmas or something.

Yeah. And sometimes they literally just, on like a sweet note. So we have something that kind of a Christmas gift card topic, something that's stuck in my head forever whenever I think about gift card gifts for Christmas when I was a kid, my family got our mailman like a gift card around Christmas. Yeah.

As you do, it got him like a like $15 gift card to Starbucks or something. And like my mom handed it to him and he like looked at it and he rolled his eyes and he was like, really? Just this. And he's like genuinely upset. Get for him.

that. I'm sure that's the other thing. I'm so funny. So many people in the neighborhood like gave him gifts to. I know. You must clean up. Yeah. Oh yeah. And it's like you're not that's like illegal. Is it really? Yeah. Well, you're a government worker. You're not supposed to take that stuff. I mean, you, I'm

sure you can, but yeah, I'm pretty sure it's you're not allowed to. Hmm. What about the garbage man? I don't think that you're that most government workers are allowed to accept tips like that. Yeah. They're allowed to accept soda I've learned. Really? You can have some soda. How do you learn this? She gave soda to my mailway.

Really? What soda? I was a kid. I was like a Christmas game. I fully thought you did this like last week. Me too. I thought that makes way more sense. No, because my mom gave soda to these like landscapers because we lived in this condo complex

and she gave soda to the landscapers. So I was like, well, that's okay, you're supposed to give that to everybody. You gave the mailman said, do you remember what kind of soda was? One of my mom's diet Pepsi's. In a can? I bet that's.

honestly an amazing gift for a male man. I was like, I'm being a nice kid. I was like, I'm being a nice kid by doing it. There you go. Did you tell your parents you were going to do it? You just like ran out and met the mailman. No, I just did it. Well, that's the other thing too is there was like a in the condo complex I lived in. There was like a male house down the street. So it was like there's a hill. And then there's like a public pool. And then there's this little like house that they put all the mail in like every single. Oh yeah. I know. Building in the complex. And. I walked down from the hill. We lived at the top of the hill, and I knew that the mailman came and knew. He was rolling it right to him. He hit his foot. He turns around, hey.

The chef boy ID commercial. I think I was probably like seven or eight or something. I just remember doing that. That's cute, man. I think that's a nice thing to do as a kid. If I was any older, it'd be like, I'm telling you that would be something you would do now.

What? It's also, I think it's one of those, I think that's one of those things where it's like, oh, it's like maybe socially weird. Like, but I bet that the mailman,

man will be really happy no matter how old you are. I would accept any gift as a male man. Yeah, I think the initial thing would be like, okay, this is strange to this guy mentally challenged. Especially some male. Definitely accept some mail as a gift. Well, you have to put it for your job.

I would assume that they wanted me to deliver the soda. Yeah. Which I don't think you can send soda in the mail. You can. No, I don't think you can, right? You can send soda in the mail. But it's, isn't it a explosion hazard? I guess you can get shipped it, right?

I mean, you can send a closed soda in the mail. Well, that's true. In a package. You can send anything in a package as long as they don't check it. Yeah. I guess that's true. They don't x-ray packages, right? Yeah, they do.

Yeah, but I mean, I think it's on a random basis. I think it's like a suspicion or a random check. I don't think they x-ray every package. We know a mailman. We can ask him all this stuff. It's true. But I think that he doesn't, I don't think he is part. I think it's all very compartmentalized.

I think it's like different people who do different. You work in like mailman security as a separate job. A postal inspector, too, is also a fully... The postal inspection service. That shit seems so cool. I feel like you were the kind of kid who liked the garbage man a lot when you were a kid. You'd walk out and you'd look at them. No, they were...

Because that was a different... Or maybe you were scared of them. You never saw the garbage man? I never really saw them because there was... So down by the mailhouse, there was a... If you went around, there's a little cold to set. It seems like your whole life revolved around this damn mail house. God damn it.

You're acting like we hung out with you in the fucking mail. Shut the fuck up. I used to go hang out in there. I thought it was cool to hang out in there. It is a clubhouse. Yeah. That's what I'm, we're jealous. Could you fit in any of the, anything?

No, no. Could you fit anything as a kid? He couldn't fit in anything. Could you fit in anything? I fit in, yes. There was a pipe under my old house. A pipe? It was like a big ass pipe.

Were you a peanut? I was a peanut. No, it's not that kind of, but wasn't this big. It was like a big ass pipe that I didn't know what it went to. Like a drain pipe? I actually have no. idea what it was. I don't think it was connected to anything. It was just a pipe

that was in the, you know... Okay, Mario. Damn. Okay. I knew... I know you were going to bring it there. We could have... There was a pipe under... My house was on stilts. You got lost in... And I got... I could have gotten stuck in a pipe.

And you got, like, lost in the plumbing system. I didn't never got stuck. I'd call you shit boy forever. I wouldn't be called shit. What? I'd die in there. They'd give me the nickname shit boy. my mom is calling me shit boy and shit he'd be alive you're sobbing

might as well call him shit boy now I wouldn't be called your five-year-old son crawled into a pipe in tight the old neighborhood just calling him shit

no didn't happen I just hid in a pipe during hide and seek and also I convinced myself that it was a code name kid next door entrance to us

oh yeah that kind of stuff was so awesome when you were like, when you were pretend that something was like, yeah, this is going to lead me to the kid next door. Yeah. I'm going to go there. Pretend was fire. He's going to lead me to the kid next door. I said kids. I meant to say kids. But that would have been cool. That was my neighbor. I'm friends of my neighbor. Yeah, this is going to lead me to the kid next door. There was, I would act like people, sorry. No, no, no, you go ahead. Okay. I was, I was going to say is that people act like imagination. You can imagine. You can imagine.

anything and whatever and it's going to be fun yeah but they no one ever brings up how it's like imagination you do still need a baseline like my friend who had a tree house could definitely imagine better than me yeah yes like all my imaginations are on the ground yeah dude it's mostly about sand and grass we had that tree swing i mean me and my my neighbors i remember that tree swing right right next to the no i've shown you the video the video of my brother breaking his arm oh yes i have seen that so there was that but that was like that was like my neighbor's tree swing So it was like, oh, he's way better at imagining stuff because he has a, yeah, like he has the tree swing, the tree fort that he made. People act like imagine, like Spongeboggy.

SpongeBob acts like imagining means you can have the most fun with just a cardboard box. And it's like, no, if you have a fucking fake car that your parent bought you that's just kid sized, you can imagine better. Do you remember doing it? When you imagine he had the Halo work hug, money brings you imagination. When you were kids, did you ever go to Home Depot and they would have those like concept kids room? next to like paint samples and it would be like an underwater themed kids room with like a fucking you become an aquarium fish it was like that shit was going to be so amazing i always wanted shit like that but then it was like my parents can't fucking paint that you are not pipes i don't i'm not you're obsessed with pipes man maybe you were shit boy no i wasn't shit boy you were in a pipe how old were you i was probably nine you fit in a pipe it was a big ass pipe that was some part of construction that was left over and it was sitting in whoio has a question raising his hands. Was the pipe green?

No, it was I don't even want to say it was brown. I don't even want to say it. You were saying brown. It was brown on the inside? I'm not going to get what color the pipe was. It was not an active pipe. And it wasn't an active.

It wasn't like at one point active and then it was retired and still full of shit. It was an empty pipe and it was metal. Okay. What color was it? It was brown. It was brown.

It was a brown. metal pipe that was in my backyard. But it didn't look like... You could have said copper, dude. You could have said any other copper. A copper pipe is not big. I don't think it was a copper pipe. In my brain, it was... You could have said anything I would have believed you, but you'd be a brown. You could have said tan?

It wasn't tan, though. God. As big as I was just about. That's why it's the perfect hiding spot. That was the only one who fit in it with all my brothers. Your brothers were in there, too? No, we didn't all fit in.

We didn't all go in there. So I didn't I fit in it with all my brothers. Nobody wanted to go in this pipe except for me because it was dirty inside. Yeah. Oh, that shit was the spot that only you would want to go to. Yeah, because you're so sick. Uh-huh. You think it's sick and then everyone's like, that's weird.

Why are you doing that? Uh, because it's the best hiding spot behind the air conditioner. There was a, uh, there was like a thorn bush. Oh, that's good. That's good. We took. As long as you don't move, it doesn't hurt. I still love going into the thorn bush.

Well, we took like, it was like a thorn bush and then my name, neighbor took like a like cutters like plant cutters scissors I don't know what they're fucking called and then he cut the inside of it and then he cut like a like a little tunnel into it so you could go and just hang out

inside of it and it looked very like inconspicuous you know you couldn't see from the outside because it was like a full like thorn bush and we were just hanging out underneath it I got pricked a lot my brother got stuck in quicksand I don't believe you or not quicksand

but we lived right We lived, no, I swear to God, it was a quickson. But we lived right in front of a marsh. And we, we had, he had like one of these big things, the, like, suit that is for when you walk out. Yeah, yeah. And he was out there, huh? You had a four March 64 childhood. A little bit.

Yeah, but it wasn't green pipes and mushrooms and stuff. But he was walking through there, and I guess he got stuck, like, up to here. And he just started going, like, help, how? Yeah, and I went and had to get my parents to come pull him out of the mud. You jumped out of your pipe. He said, I'm on the job. I was hiding in the pipe waiting.

You ate a mushroom on the way so you could get bigger than your brother. And then I think they just left the fucking the waiting crap. The waiters? Yeah, just in the mud. Because that's how we slid him out of that. Yeah. Pretty fun. Did you ever go mudding?

No, we didn't have that kind of a vehicle. My cousin, when he was in high school, he took his dad's like Jeep Grand Cherokee and he tried to go mudding in it because it's a grand Cherokee. It's not like a wrangler. Yeah. It's like, he was like, oh, it's a Jeep. Like, I can just, like, drive the Jeep into the mud. And then he tried to go mudding with it and got stuck at the car flooded.

That's awesome. Ruined, like, all of the upholster. Mudding can't be that fun. No, it's definitely not fun. It's driving a car. You're driving a car and it's dirty. Yeah. Like, what is it, like, I don't know why.

It's one of those things that you have to, you have to act like you have something to do. Yeah. Yeah. But he fully, like. It'd be more fun at a parking lot. It's like, it's like when a lonely guy is like, I'm going to go drink a coffee at the coffee shop this weekend. That's exactly what muddying is.

Yeah, I'm going to do that. On Saturday, I'm planning to go to the cafe. As if it's something to do. Yeah, as if it's something to do. As if it's an activity. We used to go driving. Yeah, of course. You have more.

No, driving is an activity, but mudding is driving. Mudding is just, it's nothing more. And driving is also the activity you do. Mudding's DLC to do. To driving.

It's driving is a skinned on driving. Yeah. Well, but you have to have first of all. Now, here comes all the mudding fans in the comments. It's actually muddy as hell. It's very different. You don't understand.

The car actually moves over the mud in a way that's different from a road. You're actually hydroplaining the whole time and it's a little bit dangerous. It's like you're driving over a muddy road. Yeah. It's just bullshit. No,

I think that's what it was too. I think it was just a muddy road. Yeah. Most things fucking suck. Yeah. When you think about it, everything's crap. Everything's dog ass.

Yeah. You know what I don't think is dog ass? What? YouTube. YouTube? You like YouTube? I do like YouTube. Tube, actually.

Me, too. Me, Tube. But I was talking about you guys. Oh. What? Do you say, Pat? No, I was talking about you guys. Oh, yeah. No, I just didn't hear what Pat said.

Close friends, though. One second. You run to your pipe. It's really far away. Yeah, I know. Okay. What are you saying? I just said, oh.

Oh, yeah. That's what you wanted to hear from it. What? You wanted to hear him say. Did you say something while he was just talking to us now? No, I said, oh. I remember what he said. What did he said?

I was just saying, I was just saying, I was just saying, I was just saying, I was just saying, I really appreciate you guys in your friendship. I think he said, oh, has been there for me. Or you said, I said, oh, he said, he was saying, he was saying, I want to go to my pipe. You were concerned. I didn't say, I think he said something about his pipe, but then you were, I got distracted because you were, you wanted to know what I was saying. Right. I remember that.

So I don't know what he said at all. We're the best of friends, though, for real. Stop. That was a really short fake. You're going to make him yawn because I'm not a sympathetic yawn. Yeah, I wasn't trying to make you yon. I was yawning. I'm not going to know.

What did you say? I'm not going to yawn. Interesting. You're not going to what? I'm not going to yawn. You're not going to yawn. It's going to get me again. You're not going to yawn.

No, you won't yawn. Say yon, though. Just go. Not him, no, you go. It's fucked up because I got myself by doing the fake yon. And I was fighting it the whole time. Making people yawn is so fun. That is, I think that that is terrorism.

It totally is, but it's so funny. But how come you can't be hit by that? I don't know. You're a psychopath. I don't think I'm a psychopath. You have APD. You have anti-social personality disorder. Yeah, you do.

Well, no, I don't. Yeah, a poopy diaper. Yeah, shout out to disgusting poop. That's disgusting. Yeah, that's a little nasty. Yeah, you don't change it. That's gross. Well, see, but you're just pretending because you don't actually think it's disgusting because you're a psycho.

I don't like that. See, that's so clear that you have, and you have APD, a pipe dwelling. you guys are really I probably You lived in a pipe from the ages of five to nine I admit it I probably went in the pipe

three times okay I probably went in three fucking times so now sorry Julio you have something to say what would you say your favorite color was through this era

you want me to say brown I don't think so no what was your favorite color was blue your overalls were blue yeah I didn't have overalls on. You're a kid, right?

I guess I had overalls when I was really young. Yeah, I had shiny, I had, yes, I did have denim overalls, actually. And a red shirt? Blue denim overalls. I bet I did have a red shirt somewhere. Did I have a red hat? I wasn't baby Mario. Okay.

I only went in the pipe five or six times. When you had to go to the next level. Yeah. No. When you had to, you find the princess. Yeah. No more than fucking 10 times that I go in this fucking. in pipe.

Yeah, 10 levels. You only finish World 1. There's only one world domain. It's this one. Have you ever been to Egypt?

Because you haven't, right? Because that would be the 11th pipe. That'd be crazy. After you finish the 10 levels of World 1, which is grass.

You really think I've been to Egypt. No, I think you haven't. My point is that you haven't. And that's why only you went in the pipe tent times. Did your mom have paintings around the house? Yeah, we had the paintings of like,

like a bowling ball or some shit I don't know some underwater crap is fine you ever jump into one of them are you fucking serious I don't know did you ever jump you were a rowdy kid how do you feel like carting

carding oh we went carting yeah we did go carting in North Carolina I like I like go carding I like go carding fine yeah why that's all you wanted to ask you don't any else to add to that no you like tennis how about party

I like tennis and I like partying. I mean, I just don't understand what is so fucking funny about this pipe thing. I went into a pipe. Me and my brother went into a pipe. But it's still really getting me

just imagine a kid in a pipe. I could have died in that pipe. I know. That's why it's funny. I could have gotten one too many things and become, but not a mushroom and double inside. I could have just got stuck in that

pipe. You were saying you could have eaten something and grown in size. You really were saying that. You just said to that. Yeah. How else do you grow? You motherfucker?

Or I could have hit a gross spurt while I was in the pipe and been stuck there forever. And you guys are laughing. And by the way, my brother got stuck in mud. Luigi? No.

You know, you've met my brother. You know he's not Luigi. He's nothing like Luigi. He's scared of ghosts? Who is scared of ghosts? Who isn't fucking scared of fucking ghost?

What kind of question is that? You have a fat cousin? I do have a fat cousin. This tall skinny one? Yeah. They're not their cousins. They're not their cousins. Well, they're not my...

I mean, they are my cousins. They are your cousins. Wario and Waloigi are your cousins. No, you didn't say Wario and Waluigi. You asked if I had a fat cousin and a tall cousin. He said they are your cousins. I have cousins that resemble that are named

Wario and Waluigi but they're not those ones no they don't go by that if that is their fucking name my cousins don't go by Wario and Walker yeah that's not their name they wouldn't go by that

because it's not their names it's not their names that simple any other fucking stupid ass questions about my shit life right now but we'll I'm sure yeah all right we'll talk about it later

but right now we're gonna talk about pissed off now. Christmas. Why are you mad? You're mad at Christmas? What's a little bit? Why? I'm mad at this episode a little bit.

Why? I'll get to it. You just had to sit in one place? You haven't scrolled the screen at all yet? No, I'll get to it. All right. You want me to do my slide? Let's get into it.

Okay, so what's that we do? Go ahead. We're giving you a platform. All right. So the concept of this episode was that we are the three ghosts of Christmas past, which we didn't even dress up for. No, it's not. It's the three ghosts of Christmas.

The creed. Well, you're the Christmas past. I was the ghost of Christmas past. Yeah. So let's just get into my shit. What I realize is it doesn't make any sense because we don't have anyone that we're haunting. Yeah.

It doesn't make any sense no matter what to begin with. But it is a list of things. Yeah, it's just a Christmas themed episode. Yeah, I guess it is just a Christmas thing. But it's more the three types of Christmas you can have. Three types of Christmas. Yeah. But I did Christmas in the prehistoric era,

wishless, listless, and giftless. Is this why you didn't like it? yeah that's why i didn't fucking like it well you had the you could have talked about the start of christmas you didn't have to go this far back you said the past man you said the past but you could have gone to the invention of it there was not a whole lot of information on christmas in the very far past so i just am i kind of had to guess because if you guys remember i picked last whenever we did this and i'll explain why go next when we decided on this episode i was on my phone at the grocery store i was just driving home okay and not only was I on the phone of the grocery store next thing I really wanted to get the future

but my wife called me and asked me to get some deodorant and I missed the whole conversation where we decided on the idea for the episode and then I got a call from her and then I came back and I was passed yeah do you remember that I do remember that because what I remember is you kind of just disappeared

but you weren't it wasn't even in a way where the call hung up you were just still there but you were silent because that was on Discord and she called me on my phone I know. So what I'm saying is from our perspective, you weren't even gone. You just weren't. You just didn't have an opinion. From our perspectives, you were like, I don't give a shit about this. But how well do you guys know me? Not so well. Or you wanted us to say very well. I learned a lot about you today. I learned a lot about you today.

Pretty well. That's all you know me. I played a few of your games. But I never was a super fan. You know me well enough to know that I would want future. That I love future style shit. He's really going to be mad at me, man. I whiffed it today. It's okay. Wait, your future? I'm whiffed. You gave him future?

Can you ask for future? I would have asked for future if I existed. You were you clamoring for present. I wanted to do the present. I think he heard Christmas present and got excited. I did. Okay. Well, I heard Christmas future.

I would have gotten excited. You could have typed. They should call presents. I agree. Because you don't have it yet. He's ignoring that. Once you have it, it's not a present anymore. It's not a present.

an or a past. It used to be a future. It's a past. Well, he's complaining about this right now, but he could have texted us and said future, future, future. Go next. Future, future. Yeah, and the future. In the future. Kind of a funny pun by accident. Just text and say future future. That's really all it would have taken. Yeah.

Okay. I would have done this. Well, I'm still going to try my hardest. Go next. The movies. Oh, wait, they didn't have movies because the past fucking sucks ass. They didn't have fucking anything. This sucks.

Do you realize what kind of situation I've been put in with this whole past shit? I mean, it looks beautiful. I know, it looks beautiful. I designed the whole thing myself. Are you all getting phone calls? No, I thought it was mine because it vibrated the table, whole table. Sorry. I want you guys to know if you both got phone calls at the same time and I didn't get one.

I would feel so crazy left out. Okay, go next. The gifts. Okay, so here are the gifts that they probably had. Oh, really quickly. If I had done the future, I would have contacted this guy. I found him on LinkedIn. His name is Brian David Johnson.

He's a futurist, and I tried to look up a pastologist. They don't even exist. They couldn't find a single fucking LinkedIn for pastologists. In my area. Yeah, but those are all just AI bullshit. You know, I hate that shit. Next. Wait, you're doing, you want to do future and you hate AI.

Make it make sense. Interesting. I hate AI because it's ruining the future. Wow, I just made it make sense. Next slide, bitch. Here's the present box that you would get in the past. I'm assuming you probably get. I thought at first, oh, you'd get a fossil, right?

Wrong. They didn't even have the fossils yet. Yeah, the fossils were later. How fucking boring is that? So they, and they didn't even have Christmas boxes yet. So you don't even have a Christmas. Somebody just hands you some shit in their hand. Shit?

Well, no, they hand you a rock. That's shit. They'd be like, here's your rock for Christmas. Some stupid rock that nobody cares about. Okay, how about traditions? Like, uh, I guess it was back. I guess it's back when rocks, it took a while for rocks to get hard. Yeah.

And the past, they were probably soft. Soft to just sit on. Again, I mean, again, I want to point out that you could have done any time in the past. You could have done the 80s. Yeah, the past is very large. The past is way bigger than the future. The future you have to think of stuff to make up. If someone tells you the past and you don't think about Flintstones, then you're an idiot.

No, you're not. You're a fucking idiot. No, you're an idiot if you do think about Flintstones. Yeah, because that's not real. You think that I'm an idiot because I think about the Flintstones. Do you realize how stupid you sound? The Flintstones is an amazing cartoon. It's not, well, it's a cartoon.

That's a thing. It's a cartoon from the 60s. Based on history. It was the first history-based cartoon. That's the whole thing. I think that's true, but, I mean, it doesn't matter. What does that mean? It doesn't matter.

It's my fucking life. It's my life and I'm being forced to do this past shit. Go next. You're forced to do a lot of stuff in your life. Yeah. As soon as the player presses the... No, it's not. I'm not controlled by a remote run to the side.

I can't believe I've let this go on this long, okay? And we're going to talk after this, and this whole thing is going to be over. What are you going to say, man? I'm going to say, Hello. Well, yeah, I'll probably start by saying hello, because I'm polite.

It's a me. Yeah, well, if it's on the phone, I'll have to clarify who I am. Traditions, okay. Remember how excited he was when the Mario movie came out? Yeah, he was. I think we understand why. Why? Because I saw it three times, like, based on an accident. I didn't grow up in the pipe.

That's not where I made me. You said you grew in the pipe. No, that's not where I, no, fucking goddamn. Okay, so traditions, what are you going to decorate a tree here? This is Florida in the year 500 BC. I could have talked to the futurist in residence, Brian Johnson. He's a futurist in residence at Arizona State University. I should have talked to him. The Center for Science and Imagination. I wish I knew. Can you imagine how amazing his life. He's been there for nine years. At ASU, he's been the futurist in residence at the Center for Science and Imagination. I really wish I talked to him. You should have talked. That's what I'm saying.

You fucking fumbled this shit. I made up a bunch of shit. You would have crushed the past. I speculated and I made up a bunch of shit. God damn it. Go next. Santa. Okay, where's Santa?

You tell me where the fucking North Pole is on this map. Up the top. It's the top. The poles don't change. Yeah, it's clearly... But there's nothing up there, it says. Well, there's nothing up there now, either. Yeah. Are you kidding me?

No. No, man. It was probably right in the middle or some shit of this pangia. It'd be at the top. Why would it be at the top? It's still at the top. Why? Because it's just called the North Pole. It has to be there.

Yeah. No, bitch. No, it's true. The North Pole has to be at the top of the world. Oh, my God. Can you imagine living with Massachusetts connected to Africa? That's what I was thinking. I was literally going to say,

imagine we are in New York right now, and we could just go to Africa in one second. That'd be so awesome. Dude, this explains what I've always felt so connected to Africa. Yeah. I've never really considered Pangea, but now I'm willing to. I think that the combination of...

Combination. I think if North America, Africa, and South America combined into a super continent, who's going to stop us? mm-hmm why don't we just do one big continent again why'd we have to do good luck moving all that shit well no we just do one big continent but we say it's like this is like oh like Hawaii is like an island why don't we just say that these are just separate islands what and it's all one big continent and it's all and we don't have to worry about anything so you're you're looking for

open borders yeah we could just do one big continent okay we could go back to we go back to Pangea, right? We're all Pangeans. Again, we can't go back to Pangea. We'd have to move the whole Earth. Maybe we'll eventually, but Pangea has a concept. We could be Pangians again. It would be amazing. Instead of America. You're saying, what if everyone was

from Earth? We are from Earth. Literally we have Earth. We're all earthlings. Be so amazing. There would still be neighborhoods in Pangea. We have one big, one big country. Christmas shopping would be so much easier. You could get everything from Africa and it's shipped

one day shipping because because it's in the same place. It's not intercontinental. It's still far. Actually, this, just specifically connecting North America and Africa like this would, this would be incredible. It would solve everything.

It would. It would be the most unstoppable nation or continent on the planet. Oh my God. Taking the bus to Africa. Yeah. Dude. That sounds like a Paul Simon song. Sounds really good. Okay.

Let's see. Oh, but we would still have the war on Xmas. I wanted to point this out. You'd probably, I found these pictures. These guys would probably be like, it's actually called the winter solstice. And they'd be trying to take away Christmas even back then. Yeah.

So that's my amazing point. I did find more hipster cavemen Googling these images than I thought I would. You have any more pictures? No, that's pretty much is. You could have just had the whole slideshow be hipster cavemen. Just show more of them. Oh, yeah, okay.

You need to stop doing this with the rock that I found. Yeah, that's not cool. It's a simple ancient rock. There's nothing to be... That rock kind of looks like a burger. I bet you do think it looks like a burger. Burger. If you put two buns around.

So the past moves on to the present. Wow. Everyone has known this since the beginning of time. But when they were in the past, they said next is the present. Can't wait for the present. Can't wait for the present. That's coming up next. That's going to be happening in 2024.

Yeah. So I'll basically just use this slideshow as a way to explain And what Christmas, and you probably look at this right now, Christmas present for me? Yeah, I did think that. It's like, yeah, it is for me. Christmas is for everyone. But no, you're not getting a present unless you consider knowledge that you already knew

to be present. We probably already know this. But this is for someone like Julio, who's just visiting America, doesn't even know what Christmas is. I never grew up with Christmas. No, never grew up around Christmas, around Santa. No. Dia de la Santa. Dio de la Santa.

That's what they grew up with. So hopefully he learns a thing or two from this. So Christmas. What is Christmas? There's a picture there. Dude, you aren't making me fucking want that shit. So I just have a bunch of different slides. So Christmas, you know, I have to wait for, I can just say Christmas over and over.

Oh, yeah, he has to go, huh? Christmas is a holiday that takes place every year on December 25th. Christmas represents the birthday of Mr. Jesus Christ. Thank you. You'd think he'd have like an honorary doctorate by now. Yeah, no. The honorable doctor, Reverend Jesus Christ. Mr.

Yeah, come on. Some university's got to do that. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure Prager did. You can even see it in the word itself. Christ means Christ. True.

And Mass means birthday. Yep. For example, live mass. Live like every day's birthday. Live like it's your birthday from birthday bell. Damn. Hit the taco. Let's look at the next slide.

Santa. Birthday bell? Imagine that restaurant. Birthday bell. You get birthday cake at the drive-thru. Dude, birthday bell would be fire. Birthday cake supreme. With nacho cheese.

Uh-huh. Santa is the main character of Christmas. He's basically the Christmas guy. Santa is attracted to the tree, which we'll see the tree on the next slide. So if you don't know what that is yet, don't get scared yet. Santa gets rid of his gifts by giving them to us.

He has gifts, and he gives them to us. He wears red and white, and he's jolly belly jelly jiggles. That's true. Which you can see here. That's Santa's belly. That's from my phone. What?

You have a picture, a video of Santa download? No, that's my phone. from my phone. That is not your photo. How did you get that? That's Jelly Jolly Jolly. No, that's from my phone. That's my picture from my phone. Senta Jolly Belly Jiggly Jiggly. It's just a jiggling belly. That's my picture from my phone. Is it a video? Is it a video? I don't want to say. You, that is not you. You have more hair than that. Yeah, I know, but that's from my phone. That doesn't, who can, anybody can download this video. Anyone can download this, really. I can download it from my phone. My phone is files. My phone's files are public, is what you're saying. No, I'm not saying that. No, I'm saying you, no, I'm saying you. I'm saying you. Where'd you download it from? Google. Yeah, so somebody can also download it from Google. It doesn't mean it's from your phone. I don't know.

That's my photo from my phone. It makes no sense, man. Okay, let's look at the next slide here. The tree. Those are the tree I mentioned before. The tree. The tree is used to cover up the gifts. The tree is located near the stockings.

We don't have time to talk about today, but those are not even going to get the stockings. There's a lot to get through. There's a lot about Christmas. It's also used as storage for decorations during the Christmas seasons when boxes have to be used for gifts. So normally you keep your ornaments and decorations and boxes. But when you've got to use boxes for gifts, you've got to take them out, put them somewhere. Leave them on the tree. That's where the tree is used for.

You need a tree if you want to participate. Can't do it without a tree. Nope. The tree needs to be plugged in. It will be plugged in like this. It's how the tree gets plugged in. We have actually, I should have taken a picture. Yeah.

Put that on. of our set up here to use for this line. It looks pretty much. Actually, ours looks way worse. Ours is a hundred times worse. Yeah. That's brutally bad.

Okay. Let's take a look. Let's keep learning. Okay. The gifts. Woo. Yay. The gifts are when you get things.

Yep. For example, remote control, Woolly Mammoth. Picture. When have you gotten one of that? I got this as a kid. You got a remote control

woolly fucking man. This was my favorite gift of all time. It broke insanely fast. Yeah. All the skin came off and it looked like Chuckie when he burns. Oh. What the fuck?

Wait, that was latex around it? Yeah, I want this thing so fucking bad again. This thing is so fucking cool. Anyway, the dreams. So here, I'll read a little quote here. The children were nestled all snug in their beds

while visions of sugar plums dance through their heads. That's from a poem. The dreams happen while you sleep on the Eve, which is the night before at the Christmas. They are disturbing. They involve terrorism, screaming, violations of the natural order, violence, and other taboos

that aren't accepted in modern day society, like this picture. That, so this is what a sugar plum looks like. I thought... That's something in a sugar plum, yeah. Okay. That's like a bug. That's a bugger bloom.

My whole life, I thought it was a fruit. I thought it was a fruit that kids thought of. Sugar plum? What the hell is a sugar plum? It's a sugary plum. Yeah. That's, okay, so we're on the same page. Yeah.

So they're carrying sugar plums and are up there. Okay. So I think it's a carrying, I think it's a type of candy. Well, anyway, to continue, the beeping. The beeping interrupts the drubes. dreams. The beeping comes from the tree room. The beeping is usually accompanied by the heat and the choking black smoke. Choking black smoke. I remember this. Yep. The beeping will attract Santa's red helpers, which are special class of elf. Yeah, those guys are fucking strong. Yeah,

they're cool. They are cool. Bad ass. Take no tool. Then we have the shelter. The shelter is the second worst part of Christmas. Shelterians will try to take your things. Shelterians are those who live in the shelter. They live there, yeah. The bed smells like the urine. the remote control woolly mammoth will not be at the shelter where did it go melted the north pole is kind of like the shelter for elves oh yeah this isn't what an elf looks like I love those those are awesome they're really fucking cute I wish I looked like that then we have the auntie after the shelter the auntie is the first worst part of Christmas amen the second worst part of the auntie is that you will have to eat the pot roast yeah a picture here it looks like it's It's a raw, but it's not raw. No, it's just a cooking technique.

It's done. You can't eat a strawberry instead. You can't. That's one of the worst parts. You can't eat the strawberry. The first worst part of the auntie is that it lasts forever. Yeah, as long as you're alive, so will she. You will miss the parents.

Yes. No doubt. And that's Christmas. Wow. Wow. What a beautiful Christmas presentation. That's what Christmas is like this day. Yeah, yeah.

I remember, I mean, the choking black smoke. It's one of those things So nostalgic. It's nostalgic and then you realize like it actually kind of smelled like fucking shit. Yeah. It kind of sucked.

It's one of those things that it's like, oh yeah, it's tradition. Oh, I have to do this every year. You go back to it and you're like,

yeah, yeah, and that beeping, you know, sometimes you'll still hear that beeping. But you know what? It pisses me off

when you hear that beeping and it's not even Christmas. Yeah. And you're like, okay, couldn't you wait? Now I have to go to the shelter. Yeah.

Couldn't you wait a couple months right before the beeping and the choking black smoke? It gets earlier and earlier every year. They didn't in October this year for me. Really? Yeah.

Dude, I was in Yosemite a couple weeks back and we were fucking lighting off fireworks because it was a Friday. And it was Christmas all over again. That's terrible. And I was like, it's fucking October, guys. Yeah. It's unreal. It sucks. Yeah, that's bullshit.

Well, let's look at the future of Christmas. Future for all the listeners comes after the present. Yeah, the future is after the present. That's what we, so we were talking about people in the past go, can't wait for the present. people in the present say can't wait for the future. A lot of people in the present nowadays they're saying

please don't let the future come. Yeah. Yeah. Because I mean look at the trees that they have now. Yeah, it's so technological. I can't even... It doesn't even look like a pine tree.

Yeah. Looks more like a pyramid. Dude, and again, I would have been amazing. I probably would have made technology surrounding me an actual song. I mean, it is an actual song.

You know what song? I bet you'll listen to a lot when you were a kid. What? Dunn it, didn't it, didn't it. Dunit, done it. I wouldn't say I put it on. I would, I mean, I heard that.

It would come on when you enter a cave. When you get in the pipe. I never went into a cave. And you go out of the pipe. No, the pipe would... When you find the coin in the pipe. There's no coins in the pipe. The coins pop out of the pipes.

Okay. Well, Christmas future. Let's go to the first slide here. Great news. The Christmas won the war on Christmas. Thank fucking. Yeah. Give it up for that.

Next slide. The war on Christmas in 2027, there was an actual war that lasted one day between atheists and Christmas fans. Over 2 million people died defending Christmas from atheists, and their lives brought us many presents the following year. I really like the phrasing here. Two million people died defending Christmas

because surely there were casualties on the atheist side, but they're not people. No, they're not people at all. No, they're not people. No. They lack humanity. So this is then in-memorium section. The first casualty of the war on Christmas was Clint Eastwood. He died from a heart attack, seeing Christmas

disrespect it. That's making me really sad. Yeah, he died immediately the day that it was announced. He was on TV giving a speech. He's the next gay celebrity after. Clint Eastwood? That would be a current ball. He's going to come out of the age of 99. Interesting.

I would like to see that first movie back. Yeah. That would be really, really good. He should do like Grand Torino, but a bunch of straight guys move into his neighborhood in San Francisco. That would be good. Alex Forrest. No, man. I know him.

Yeah. I literally know him. He died when a tree impaled him. It was a friendly fire incident, and he is considered the Pat Tillman of Christmas. He knew something that we're going to find out in a couple years. Pat Tillman of Christmas should be like one of the labels you can put on your card on Call of Duty. Like blunt trauma.

There's blunt trauma and then under it is Pat Tillman of Christmas. It's a candy cane and AR. That'd be sick. And the final casualty. It was unknown how he died, but he died. Oh, I forgot about him. He's done it. Yeah.

Yeah. He did it. He's done it with baddies. He did it on the fan bus. And the next slide here, there are new Christmas rules. Christmas is now the only holiday allowed to be celebrated publicly. Yes. Presents are given out by the government every year.

And you have to fill out your wish list like the census. Oh, do they come door to door? Yeah, they come door to door. If you didn't fill it out, then they fill it out for you. You tell them. But if you don't fill it out. list. Next slide. Not filling out your wish list will result in a $250 fine. Homeless people can be given as gifts. That's nice. And smiles are the only emotion allowed to be displayed publicly in December. Homeless people can be given as gifts. So this is reminding me of the shelter. Yeah. It's very similar. I think maybe the inspiration. In some of the same characters. The inspiration for that is probably, it probably comes from the shelter. Yeah, you ripped them off. We can, no, we can, we can see kind of how Christmas has changed over time. Yeah. In your era,

everyone's homeless. Yeah. That's a good point. Because of this cave is not a home. Then it just becomes, you know, homeless people and orphans are homeless. Yeah. Yeah.

Orphins are a perfect gift. And then homeless people become... To go with your homeless person. You can see the change is... Next slide. Atheists have started their own country in Quebec. They speak a new atheistic language. It's called sarcasm.

It's called sarcasm. You almost... said. It's called carcasm. Carcasm. That's a different thing. Top Gear style. Yeah.

Oh, I'm having a... Oh, yeah. Here comes an awesome-assie. I'm having a cargasm. That's what would give you a cargasm? Well, that's the... I mean, you could get that on Christmas morning. You couldn't get that...

Honda Odyssey? Yeah, just asking. Insanely safe. Yeah, it would give me a car gas. So safe things. So, typically. Well, it's a safe drive. Yeah, it's a safe drive.

A Honda Odyssey. Okay. I'm picking up where you're putting that now. I like the Honda Odyssey. I like the Honda Galaxy. The Samsung Galaxy.

I like a Honda Odyssey's, Samsung Galaxies, and... You want 64 of them? I won 64 of them. And this world. And this entire world love sunshine at the beach.

That's amazing. And I like when things are new with my brothers. Okay. But I hate Bowser's revenge. Next slide. Were there any geopolitical consequences of the war on Christmas? Not really.

I guess just Quebec. Two million people died. Quebec has been now turned into an atheistic... Quebec is now turned into the Quebec Autonomous Atheistic Zone. And you're saying there's no geopolitical thing that's happened at all. No, not really. But what about, I mean, what about the rest of the... Here's my question.

What? Most of the world does not celebrate Christmas. Now they do. After this. And only 2 million people died in that war. The entire world is at war? Well, remember it was 2 million people on the winning side. 2 million people in one day.

But why did we even let the atheists have their own place? Well, we'll figure it out later. So there's more carnage to come. Yeah. There's been only one day. Okay, that's a good. That's a good ass point. No, as of today, December 1st, 2027.

the war has lasted one day. Yeah. It's over already. But there could be a future war. I see. We don't know. I can only see into December 1st, 2027. Because it's two years.

Yeah. Okay. And by the way, that would be, yes, this is December 2nd, actually today. Oh, and this comes out. No, today is December 2nd. No way. Oh, it is. No way.

No way. There was no way. It could have been. All right. Well, next, oh, here's some new gifts from the future. This is a strawberry deceders. Oh, my God, that's so... I hate those seeds, man.

They make it so ugly. They make it so ugly. But this, you put the strawberry right in there, and then... It just takes them out. The motor works overtime and takes all the seeds out individually. I'm glad it works overtime. They need to get some invention that can take that green part off the fucking top. Buddy, it's called your finger.

You use your finger to do that? Yeah. What? Pick it up. Well, both two fingers. Pick it up. Yeah, that's how you pick it up. You peel it with two fingers.

You peel your strawberries? You guys don't peel your strawberries? No. All right. Well, now you don't have to because there's a deceder. Yeah. Get rid of all those nasty seeds. This is a mud play set from the movie mud.

Interesting. There are shades of the past in the future. Yeah. That's really interesting. It's really. And remember strawberries were brought up in the present? It really is insane. And look at that McConaughey action figure right there.

He's from the present. Yeah. that's a beautiful play set i would love to play with this yeah it looks great and of course david uh he's recently homeless because of the war on christmas he lost a lot of money but he wants to be put in a home okay so get him to get david for christmas oh okay so he's available like may season yeah yeah he's sitting outside of it but there's only one though right yeah there's only one david so it's a rare gift it's a very rare gift it's a rare gift because there's only one guy there's only one of best david yeah bespoke david yeah bespoke david yeah bespoke

And there's actually a new Christmas song bigger than Mariah Carey's. I see. And let's hear this new song. Okay. This is called Presence, Yeah, Yay, Yay by Dylan. And we're not plugged in, are we? Hold on. Well, you didn't give us a heads up, bro.

Yeah, I didn't know we were going to do an audio today. You didn't? I said earlier, I said I whiffed this. You might have to change the sound settings on the computer, Julio. I need to hear this. No, you don't have to be sorry, bro. You made an amazing song, or you found an amazing song in the future. I said you guys were like, oh, because you were working on that song.

And when you guys came in, I hear it. There we go. Oh, I like this. Yeah, this is great. Not so Christmassy, though. Oh, wait to the lyrics. Okay, I'll wait. Where's the beep?

Santa's down my chimney like he's sucking. me fucking me all the time like christmas check out my wish list it has a million things on it like candy and fortnight what else is on the wish list of feeling gloves christmas is the fucking best even when you're 36 christmas is the fucking best even when you're 36. Presence, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Presence, yeah, yeah, yeah, presents, yeah, yeah, yeah, presents, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of just goes on like that.

You can stop it right there, go to the next slide. I know, I want to hear the rest of it. I want to hear the whole song. Presence, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, presents, yeah, yeah, presents, yeah, yeah. So you said this took you a long time? no so is this when we walked in well actually yeah because I had to make the whole I made the whole yeah when we walked in I was working on a different one oh okay because you were locked in to the no I said hi Patrick you didn't even look that's for the okay so you this was for you already

had this finish I had this finish yesterday yeah okay well this is a masterpiece I think we can all admit it this is a complete masterpiece well this is going to be the number one song yeah well look look at the next slide it uh Dylan can I say too it's not okay yeah presents yeah it's Dylan is sweeping the nation In the future either Yeah It's not that far I'm really excited to see

Kind of the events That happen in popular culture That lead to that being very popular In the next two or three years Well everyone's making their own Navy blue t-shirts With yellow stars on them now Because Dylan fever is sweeping the nation

Yeah I have Dylan fever Everyone is obsessed with Dylan We should sell this shirt We should as a merch run We would actually Just a blue shirt with a yellow star We should sell for $30 that's actually such a good idea

and that's everything that I have but yeah we should do that for a merch run the Dylan shirt the Dylan like call it like the Dylan the Dylan oh wait little signature right there that says Dylan that's good designed by Dylan what do you think his signature would be

just this name in print with a smile yeah within all capitals yeah small capitals hold the pencil like this yeah big so fire or no you know what he also might be the type of a guy who practices it a ton and has like a crazy like flourish like 18th century style.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Like the calligraphy videos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Presence. Yeah. I actually got stuck in my head a lot faster. I think. Presents yeah. Yeah. Presents yeah. What made you put that 30 times at the end of that song. It's funny. It's making me laugh. It was. But then you tried to cut your own genius off and make us not listen to the last five. self-conscious. It's okay to get self-conscious but it got stuck in my head. It's so good. Present. Yeah, yeah. Your own original song that's based on no other song. You don't think that's

based on anything. You zero inspiration there. There's zero inspiration. I like also that you said took a long time as you had to make the beat from scratch. I did. I did. I had to learn how to make that. I know you did do it. Yeah. I don't know about have to. I had to. I could have maybe downloaded something maybe something instrumental, but

that's the whole part of the whole point of it is to learn. Would you be mad if I made a medley kind of encore you want to do more verses to that? What if I did technology surrounding me slash presence yeah, yeah, that's a good, we could put that out as a single. Yeah, we should do

a B-side collision course between Patrick and Caleb. That's a good idea. You should get in the studio with somebody that makes like new metal to record this. Record presence, yeah, yeah, yeah. slash technology

I will just make technology surrounding me. I will just make technology surrounding because it is a really good idea for a song. You should find a band to make the song. Surrounding me. It's a good idea for a lyric. It is a really good song, man.

Yeah, I'm excited. I can't wait for our Christmas album this year. Yeah, I want to drop one. We should drop one. 25. Would it be 25 tracks or 12 tracks? 12 days of Christmas. 12 tracks.

25 would be nice, but at this point in the month, I don't know, man. 12 tracks. 12 tracks, 25 songs. Maybe. We could definitely, we spend every day here. We send each other, we send each other stuff over the computer.

Uh-huh. We'll do it, yeah. We got to make it by the 25th. Let's never be that. Yes. That's her requirement. We're not doing old songs. No, no, no, no.

He's going to make his own version. What's a brand new songs? Yeah. That's what an album is. I've never heard of Feliz or Rod or whatever he's fucking talking about. Well, that'd be the new one. That'd be the new version is Feliz Bravo Rod. Police, Police, Bravo, Rod.

Felice brava rod Police brought the rod All right well We've just decided That there's gonna be A Christmas album this month Okay that's exciting So get excited for that

Get excited for that to drop And get excited for Patches play you guys It's going up for Mason's Hole It's going now It's going as the tickets I put the I put the link for the tickets on our website

Swagpooptocom slash shows It says one day on there Because our website does not let it me Put multiple days But you can click to the ticket link You can see all the different times And days the run is going And I'm going to get dressed up in a suit and bring roses, I think.

Yeah. And you can also see us three in shy city, Chicago, Illinois on January 19th. I'm coming home again. Yeah. Go buy a ticket for that. It's going to be a blast. We have something very amazing planned. It's actually the greatest show we've ever written.

We're going to do three water bottle flips at the same time. I'm not flipping that water bottle. Those flipped identically. I know. You can't lie they didn't flip. You can't lie at how identical those flips were. I mean, you can't lie, but you shouldn't. All right.

It's me on Twitch. Watch Julio on Twitch. On Twitch at podcast about this. He's been playing Super Caleb World. It's not. Bye. And now you look like Cyclops when you do that. But you can't even see me.

If you had done that right then and you would actually shot a laser clean through my brain, would you even cry. Julio, you have your work cut out for you have to cut. right there and you have to edit laser that shoots. I'm at my house with my computer man, that's awesome. I'll do it. I'll you know what, I'll do it. Okay, so your work is cut out for you. I'm gonna, well the episode's already over. No,

we'll continue it after that you, you just cut it in. I'm gonna edit in the shock. I'm gonna edit it in. I'm gonna put the shock in. I'm gonna put in a laser coming from the... And I put a bird right now. Okay, I'll put in a bird here that lands on Cameron's wrist and what do you want?

Who's a girl from Anora Mikey Madison Ivy? No never mind No you fucking idiot The main character

Oh Mikey Madison I didn't know if she had her name Mike Yeah If she had your girlfriend Would you save Mike? I'd save Mike all the time Would you call her Michael

I'd say M I'd say my partner Mike To confuse people And then she comes Yeah that would be awesome All right good night. Bye-bye.