Podcast About List - Ep. 319 - Letters 2 Santa

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Kicking off the holiday season with a classic: intercepting a bunch of letters meant for Santa Claus and mocking them on our amazing show to our millions of adoring fans. Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

So let's fucking do it. Let's talk about it. Yeah, but here's what sucks about us, man. We are always, like, four days late on every big news thing that happens. And you know what the thing is, too? Like, I feel like a lot of the time, it's not even that we usually, we usually, we usually, we usually, we're recording episodes one day before, usually. Yeah.

And somehow, it just, stuff only ever happens when we have it backlogged. I know. When we have, like, one or two ahead of time. We backlogged when it happened. No, we were not When all that happened, I don't think that we talked about it, did we? No, no, no, no. We haven't recorded since the guy got, got assassinated.

Yeah, we haven't. Yeah. And now, there's a Luigi aspect. Brian Fellows was the guy. I thought it was Luigi Manjone. No, no, the guy who got assassinated Brian Fellows. I don't think his name was Brian Fellows. I thought it was Brian Thompson.

Yeah, I don't know where, who's Brian? Maybe because he was a fellow. Brian McGillows, bro. I was going to see, I was going to see how long I could take that. I'm going to see how long I could convince you guys that Brian Fellows that's the guy. That's crazy guys. That is, that is

Julio, just pull up. No, I remember Brian Fellows. He's a guy with the crazy eyes, right? There's a guy named Brian Fellows. Yeah, the little person with the big eyes. No, no, no, no. Who's that? You were saying, it's funnier to me. It's just, Julio, please pull up the picture of Brian Fellows. Brown, Brian Fellows.

Who's this? Brian Fellows Safari Planet. Oh, it's Tracy. It's Tracy. working on SNL. The CEO that was a sad to me. Really? That was him?

Damn, you think that he would use That was my favorite SNL's catch. A guana or something to defend himself. Oh,

there he is. There he is. On the left and hey, Brian Fellows at have a roll. See, health insurance.

He's wearing a stethoscope. Oh, that motherfucker. There he is. Yeah. There's Brian. That's the real Brian Fellows.

The one that the Tracy Morgan character was based off of it. It's funny that they found the guys like Twitter and Instagram and shit and he just loves like Andrew Huberman. I know. That's awesome.

The thing that was making me laugh. Why don't you have Aschwaganda in your plan? Kill the guy. Ashwaganda should be. Why is Oscewaganda not covered in the United? The thing that always happens that makes me laugh so hard

is people on Twitter who like go way too hard on the conspiracy stuff where like obviously maybe there's something going on here who knows whatever but it's all exactly how they said it was I know but it's like people

I see people on Twitter I saw this tweets that it was really making me laugh where it was like it was like a fucking you know the tweets that people with blue checks can do now where it's like five pages long yeah like it was like that and it was like guys I haven't slept here it is and like wrote this like

whole thing about it and it was like Every part that was so stupid and just was like, like the thing that really stood out to me, he was like, so Luigi Mangione's last known address was in Hawaii, but somehow he was in New York City to kill the CEO. And then he somehow managed to get to Pennsylvania mere days later. I saw somebody. Wait, his name is. They're saying it takes more than a few days to get to Pennsylvania. They thought he was walking.

They thought he was walking to Pennsylvania. Yeah, like, and that he was, it just was, there's so much stuff like that. We're like, and he, why would a guy who was so, I think they said also like, why would a guy who was so interested in technology use a fake gun, a printed gun? I saw, I saw one of those conspiracy people going like, like, I don't know, I don't know you guys. This is absolutely a sci-op. And then in their bio, they had mentally disabled. Okay. They had it like right there.

Like, it was like, all right, you can't be doing. You can't feature it. What, you think the mentally disabled can't have an opinion? You can't be a conspiracy person. And have put mentally disabled right in your, like, you're like waving a flag that says, I am mentally disabled and being like, this is a sci-up created by the government. I just realized a guy's name is Luigi's Mansion. Yeah.

I just realized that. But it also, I mean, it means glutton. It's so, um, he's a sad. It's so sad that they found that it's, that it's, that it's, that it's. it's him. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to never know

who this guy was. The people who were like, he is so, he's a Marxist. He is so like, like people who are, of course it's a guy that's fucking,

how many Marxists do you know they've ever done anything? No, none. They've never gone and they haven't done a single awesome like that. Exactly.

You ever, you ever read the, the communist manifesto? It's like three pages long. Yeah, exactly. It's a book for babies. It's this fucking thing. It's like literally 60 pages.

He got bored. Okay, guys, okay. And he didn't fucking just died. Yeah. No, I don't care about that. I just like, I was so happy in a number with the idea that a guy could kill somebody in the street, like kill like a CEO in the street and then they couldn't,

they didn't catch him. Yeah. That's crazy. Like, not even aware. I'm like, that's awesome. That's epic. I'm just like, that's incredible that that can happen in the world. But of course they will find out.

Do you ever think, have you thought about this though? He went to McDonald's, dude. They're going to fucking point out. They did him at McDonald's. So, honestly, we got to boycott it again. I'm sorry, you guys. You guys are bringing a lot of levity to this. Levity?

Yeah. What? Tell me what position you hold in this company? CEO. United? No, this company. Oh. He got it, so you should know.

We're not, we're not CEOs. We're a three. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you guys, you guys not sold all my shares. No, we did. Shares. We should go publish. Can you do, can we do that? I would do that.

Why not? Who gives a fuck? Let's just go public. All right. What? We dilute ourselves to be like 16% each. Uh-huh. And then we get...

Go public. If we go public. If we go public, we are getting assassinated. For what? For, then they're... Someone's going to pop one of us and then take over. And you guys are just going to have to accept it because they're a big shareholder. Someone's going to shoot me.

You're saying one of our shareholders is going to kill us. One of our shareholders is going to shoot me. me in the chest. For what? In the street at my hotel. No. For why? Well, you make a good point. That's what I'm saying is be careful how you talk about this because you could be the next CEO that gets laid to waste. We're not CEOs, bro. We're co-founders. Tell me what usually comes after the ampersand that follows co-founder? In chief. No. CEO, COO C. No. Yes. You're just the plain chief. No, no, no, no. First of all, you're not CEO. Okay, we'll explain to me. We don't have this. We don't Okay, then we're triple CEOs.

No, no, that's what makes the company special. Is it that we have three CEOs or one? We have no positions whatsoever. We're taking a real Montessori approach to companies. Yeah, the whole thing that makes this thing work is that there's no titles. Yeah. Except for mine, which is a CEO. You just literally killed the podcast.

Huh? I also have CEO. You guys are both so excited to get assassinated. You're the first of all, you're the one. You're the one saying we have to be careful. I'm trying to do damage control saying here we don't have CEOs. No, it's me. Look at me.

Look right here. I am a CEO. Here, I'm a proud CEO. So when I see, I didn't do that, by the way. That's what you were doing. You lick the air. You're doing metaphorically what you're doing. You didn't eat a meta.

You're trying to suck the bullet. Okay, here's you blowing the biggest bubble ever. And then it blows up on your face. You're covered in blue gum. I don't blow bubbles. Yeah, I've seen you blow bubbles. I've seen you. I've seen you do two, two rolls of a bubble tape.

No, you don't. I chew chewing gum. And you do what they blow up. You have a roll of bubble tape on your belt. I don't have a roll of bubble tape. Like a home depot employee has a measuring. bro, why you're checking my belt, though, by the way. I look at your belt all the time.

Bro, which side of my belt are you looking at? The front and the back. The middle? You know what the middle means. The front? No. The middle means? The middle could be the front, yeah.

I don't know what the middle means. It's the front, man. He's looking at you where you keep your hubble tape. You know, yeah, where you keep the bubble tape. I don't have bubble tape. You have the bubble tape on this side. What's that pink stuff? It's always hanging out of your shorts then.

Is that your ball sack? Yeah. Yeah, my ball sack. You're always hanging out of your shorts. We always assume that was bubble tape, man. Me too. I wish that could happen. I was wanting to take a bite.

You guys ever get the videos on Instagram where the dogs are biting each other's balls? Yeah. Wait, what? There's a lot of them. They bite each other's balls? Talks standing there. There's a million videos of dogs with big balls

and a little dog will be playing and then just bite the balls. And the big dog goes, I know I ask you a lot to pull stuff up a lot. You've got to pull this one up. You can't watch it. Also, I'd like to. Okay. If we are CEOs, okay. I would like to issue an executive order. What? No more looking up. No. Forever? I think we need. I think for the foreseeable future. And you know what? If it sucks, if we'd say we'd miss the looking up, we go back. What if I have a math problem? He literally, okay, okay. You're literally, you're taking away one of the five pillars of podcasting.

Which is not talking and looking at a story. No, no, he makes a good point. This is what Joe Rogan does. It's the most famous line. and all of podcasts. Jamie, pull that up. And why do people say that? Because they only say that when they make fun of Joe Rogan. Yeah, but it's a thing. What is it to make fun of Joe Rogan for? Yeah. For pulling it up on screen. I think you guys are mad because I said before that there wasn't CEOs and then I said

that in a bubble tape, but I think you need to take what I'm saying in the spirit of this or else you have to agree there's no such thing as CEOs. Okay. I believe, I think there are such thing as CEOs. I will, I will say that there's no such thing as CEOs if we can watch a video of a dog ending his balls bit. I don't

think we can do dog balls on YouTube it's on YouTube yeah but guys get sexually attracted to stuff like that I've heard I'm looking at it yeah see he can't he's getting sexually attracted to it he just got his 30 day chip man he can't watch one of these fucking videos right now he'd watch it and he we'd have no audio for the rest of the episode he just heard me it'd be no switching and stuff yeah you both sound was that you never did that in class to make it sound like you were jacking off you really don't know that you don't know that you're serious that's crazy that's that's not

I don't think to associate that. That's a classic. I don't think I've ever heard that's a great school

classic, I did this one. A fart? Wait, wait, what is that? You make a horse sound and you put

your head on the desk and you go that's kind of funny. Yeah, I would do that in the back of class. Speaking of dogs, my greatest

what? A horse theme school instead of a jacking off one. You did go to. Yeah, we went to, we went to jacking off school. A horse theme, you went to a horse

team school instead of a jacking off one. You guys talked about... I didn't know what you said. Well, it should be you guys talked about horses. No. Jacking offing. Your school, you talked about horses like we talked about jacking off. Yeah. Everyone was more into horses than jacking off. Bro, I had...

There was a horse last night, bro. Speaking of, what were you going to say first? Dude, there was a jacking off. What was about it? Dude, it was checking. Yeah, we talked about that. Of course, man. What were you going to say? My biggest hope instead of my biggest fear coming true my biggest hope has come true really my biggest hope has come true

you ever see so we all are very big frequenters of our neighborhood subreddit yeah you ever see the ones where it's like a video surveillance photo of somebody leaving a dog shit on the ground yeah so i always see those and i always i've had this like all forever dream that one day i'm gonna log on to that subreddit and they'll i'll see a picture of me and somebody's like can we just take a moment to appreciate all the guys who do pick up the dog shit. Did this happen? Express this to my wife. No, but it did happen in real life

where I picked up a dog shit the other day and a guy was like, hey, and he touched me like, good on you. A lot of people don't pick that up. I was like, dude, I fucking know. And I've been in an amazing mood since then. That's awesome.

Wow, what a sad state of affairs where the world, knowing and the world has to say that. I know. I see poop everywhere. I know. It's gotten a lot better. Yeah.

A couple years ago, I feel like it was, Terrible, and it's not like good. The poops have gotten better or less of them? Less poops. Okay. But I think it also probably depends on this area. I think they're putting them all on my street now.

Yeah, I bet I think your street is probably poop central. My street used to have hell of poops all the time. And I used to think about, like, I was like, I was like, I think that this isn't the human brain. You're not supposed to wake up every day and be like, I'm going to see 10 poops today. I agree. It's not supposed to be like that. Not our generation, but maybe generations. of the past. No, because they go poop in a hole. They don't

poop. They don't go and look at it. Even the time you're thinking of what got done during the medieval era, man. Nothing because they were seen too much. There's literally no time in human history when we've seen more poop than when dogs lived in cities. They had a chamber pot and then there would be like the... Yeah, but people don't go walking and look at the chamber pot. The chamber pot is like under the thing where they would dump it out the window? Just into the gutter.

I mean, yeah, there'd be gutters of poop. You'd see poop every day. Yeah, but here's the difference. Sometimes there's a poop that's kind of rock hard and it flies out the window. It gets on the sidewalk. You would see... I'd probably see plentiful poops. Back then, you would see sewage, like a river of brown sludge. Now you see individual poops.

And you have to... Some of these have humanity. I guess that's true. Many of them have humanity. There are poops that have humanity. I've seen human shit in L.A. Yeah, man. Everyone has seen...

Everyone who's been L.A. Kind of the point that we've seen a human shit. I mean, I see human shit all the time, man. See human shit every day. There's a street that is right near my house that is known as a place you can dump trash and take poops. And they just set up a camera.

Whoa. And so now there's a lot less poop and a lot less trash. He's a 24-hour live stream. I agree. I agree like a nature reserve. Yeah. Like when you put it inside of a bird's nest, just see guys come in. And I've seen.

I look back at the footage and it's a slimy, stinky goblin. Oh my God. I saw a guy taking a poop. It's Oscar the Groucher. At like 7 p.m. I was walking the dog and there was a guy taking a poop on that street. Oh, my God. And I got way too close before I realized what he was doing.

yeah if he if that guy looks at you and goes no no no no no what is he is he in the right by saying no no no no what is he going to wait no don't come any closer yeah I'm going to take your poop man what are you talking what am I trying to do

with his poop I don't care well you're walking past him right I mean the most I can say is like that actually if you're talking the guy get away that would literally can I say that would no that would literally be that's such an incredible situation to be in where you have the upper hand where someone is

doing it where someone is pooping in the street and I feel like normally you'd expect you walk by some of that and you'd be like this guy's nasty and he has power over me right now because he's pooping in front of me but if he's like no wait then you're like fuck you bro yo you shouldn't be doing that give me he's giving you a full yeah full license you are on top I'm gonna instantly dominate that's basically the question that I just couldn't articulate it yeah do you like that guy that guy's going no no no like this is it like clearly an emergency poop this guy needs you the upper hand that's a dream situation.

I'd be so blessed to find myself in that situation. Would you start yelling at him going, get the fuck out of your, stop poop. I would not talk to anybody. He's got tears in his eyes. Yeah, I would be, full stop. I'd be snarky. Yeah. You would be snarky. I'm afraid of you coming near him. He has poop. Not anymore. It's coming out of him. It's on the ground. He can throw it at you. If he's the type of guy where he's poop and he's, he's saying no, no, no, no, no. But also, he's crazy if he's pooping on the street. He's not because he's, no, no, no, no, no. A crazy guy would say no, no, no, or would say, I'm sorry, or say, I'm sorry, please go away. That's what I'm saying.

A crazy, no, no, no. I mean, I'm at the opposite. A sane guy would say that. A crazy guy would be like, I'm pooping on the street. So now I know that if you're here, I'm Mr. Poop. I love pooping. But a sane person who had to poop on the street would be like, oh, no, no. This is like, you remember the witch from Left for Dead?

She's always crying. Right? But then you get close. Then he throws a poop at you. And yeah, exactly. Okay, but the witch doesn't say, doesn't say, please go away. I'm sorry. I'm evil.

I don't mean to do this. This is the scenario we're talking about. She's saying. If someone's pooping on the street going, I would stay the fuck away for sure. Yeah. Pooping and crying is a strange combo.

But no, no, no. I'm sorry, go away. Yeah. That's not a crazy person. That's a person on the worst day. That might be a crazy person killing joke style very soon. It depends on what they're wearing also.

If they're dressed in, if it's clear they have like the subway fatigues on and they work in fast. food. I'm just going to assume that there's something. I'm just going to do this. Exactly. Yeah, I'll let them. I'll just go, sorry.

You salute one time. Whenever I see someone wearing a subway uniform. Thank you, sir. Thank you for your service. But if they are wearing, let's say, a giant trench coat covered in blood, I'm probably not going to go. Spiky outfit. Yeah, if they're dressed and they have nails coming out of their head, I don't

really want to get involved with a bastard like that. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So that's my point. Is that men on the street who are pooping. And if you can take one thing from this conversation. Man on the street who are pooping, it can go one way or the other. It's completely black and white.

There's no gray area in a man. No, you know what I would think about it more? You know what I'd actually do? If someone was saying, if someone's going no, no, no like that, I'd be like, you know what, man, it's okay. Sorry. I would be nice, I think. Yeah, that's the thing. But when they probably are having such a terrible time.

I would probably be nice to them, but it's like, if they pick it up. Like in a dog bag. No, like if they pick it up with their bare hands, I'd go like, oh, come on. I'd be like, ew. I wouldn't say shit to that guy. He's got poop in his hands and he doesn't care that it's on me. I'd say shit. I'd say shit.

Shit. Yeah, you guys are looking for the genius identifier of the year award? No. What the fuck is that? Ah, shit. A group of tourists with you. Shit. That's disgusting.

Have you guys ever taken a number two poo outside? Yeah, when I was a kid. Yeah, but what size kid? Three. That's pretty... I didn't feel like going back inside. I was busy playing, so I went to the woods. So you let them fly outside.

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty young. Yeah. I mean, that's young enough to know... I used to poop outside all the time. Yeah. Yeah. We'd do a wipe with a leaf.

Wipe with a leaf, yeah. And it's not a very good wiper, by the way. And when you try to fold it, it just cracks in half. You get poop on your hand. Yeah, you get poop on the hard way. Uh-huh. Yeah. Another survivalist tibler.

for me man yeah I was at my what are we talking about just go ahead was at my lowest when you were three when I was three that was your lowest point in life three that was three my three and I booted outside yeah to the ground yeah exactly short little kid I bet you were a short ass little kid I was a little kid I bet you were a little ass kid when you were three I was a little kid I was a little kid I was a little kid I was a little kid at 3-2. It's okay.

I was a little kid until for a long time. Yeah, me too. Probably most of my life. Yeah. I don't know about most of my life, but for a good portion. At this point, not all of it. Yeah.

I wasn't a big kid until later. I was a big old fat one, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was a big ball. Yeah. A big ball. I grew up a ball, and then I turned to less of a ball.

Mm-hmm. And then you grew up a pencil. Yeah, it was a stick. And now you're a strong one. And you were a square. If I had to. for saying I was a strong pencil, by the way. You've become a mechanical pen.

That's nice of you to say. You grew up a square. I grew up a circle. You grew up a line. I think that's the best way to describe the three of us. It really is a full shape array. Circle, square, line. I wish that I could basically have a,

I wish I could have a like a kind of matrix style consciousness transfer and live life as a circle for one day. What do you even do if you're a circle? As a, no, not as a dot. We've definitely talked. We were all dots back when we were in our moms. We've definitely talked about what our favorite shapes are before. If I remember crazy, that's like the foundation of our whole friendship.

Because I remember you were one of the first guys I knew whose favorite shape was a square. Yeah. Yeah. You remembered my favorite shape. Yeah, I'm right. I don't know if I even remember my favorite shape. Your favorite was a line. Really?

I don't think that's true. Or a rectangle. I thought I was going to say, triangle. Maybe I said, I think so. I must have you confused with somebody else. I think I said rhombus. That sounds like something.

Actually, the second you said that, I think it's rhombus. Yeah, which is such a fucking pick-me answer. It is. That's stupid as wrong. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. It's a good one.

Two grades ahead and I know what a rhombus looks like. No. Real shit? That's what I think it looks like. It looks like some rice. Or a missile? Depending on the size of it. I think arambis looks like rice sometimes.

It reminds me of rice because I'm addicted to food. A rhombus, I think, is like it has equal sides, and then the opposite angles are equal. He's trying to demonstrate it with two sides. I know, I can't. Hold on to demonstrate it. We can't look up. I know. I want to help you, but I don't know.

We're baiting him into breaking the lookup rule. This, Arambus is like this vibe. No, yeah, it's like this, right? Well, no, because maybe is that. Yeah, we got it. It's like this. A trapezoid? No, a trapezoid is like flat, flat, and then like this.

Angles, bro. I don't know. Maybe we're going to have to look this up. I mean, I know for a fact that's true. Maybe you don't. Yeah, no, we agree with you. A rhombus is like this. It's this.

It's just this, bro. So you were trying to, you're trying to get me to ask to look this up. Is that what's happening here? No. The thing that I learned in first grade and you guys probably did too. Dude. We're not trying to make you look this up. You're not allow the look up.

Look, you're the size. You're the science guy. You guys is brain working a way where you so badly want to know what a trapezoid looks like that you think I also do. No, dude. We know what it is. You already told us. It's this. It's this one. That's what you did. It's this. Wait, then we're getting all confused. Yeah. I just said a rhombus is in this one and you went like, we just got to look it up. But Cameron, it seems as if the idiocy will continue because there's no possible way to learn what a rhombus. Is there a trapezoid or rhombus in the room that we could look at? I don't actually understand the bit. It's not hard to understand. We're trying to get you to look it up so that you get so that you can say it. Because you're so tired of us guessing what it is.

We're going to say it over and over until you say it. So you're saying that you want me to look it up so then we can talk about it. No. No, we don't even want it. We don't even want it to look up. We don't care what it looks like because you already told us. Yeah. I'm not interested in rhomboids.

No, it was trapeze. Oh. No. We don't want to look up trapeze. That's just the swinging guy. God, what does that look like, though? Yeah, like, what does a trapeze artist even do is my question? But it kind of closed it anywhere.

Like, there's no video. This is exactly the type of thing that we do look up if we don't have the rule. I know. What is a trapeze? I know, and how horrible is it that we can't. And then we look at it and it takes us five minutes to read the definition, the AI. overview of what a trapeze is and then we don't talk about it we move on okay well then you have just become AI Google so now here's my question what is the trapeze is Patrickpedia but let's do it but

it's just Cameron Google which is a similarly very catchy name is the trapeze dear Cameron is the this is a deer game no it's got to be you just got to say what trapeas look like and look no but that's not the question if he's Cameron Google my question is is the trapeze the ropes or is The trapeze, the guy. How come trapeze has four sides? Or is it the art? It's the swing, I believe. So if it's just sitting there, you mean the swing is in the act of it swinging?

Well, let's see. Because they call it a flying trapeze, right? So I bet it's, they have to specify that it flies when it's flying. So if it's sitting still, it's just a trapeze. Good point. Right? So what's the name of that bugger that's on that motherfucker? I have no idea, man.

The trapeze trapezeer? The trapeze artist. He's an artist? Hey, we don't even. Or she? Okay, here's my question. That's too far. How come Rombus only a shape?

Why not named anything else after it? That's a good point. There's tons of stuff called Square. You're a whole app about that. I'm using you like Google. I know, but I don't understand the question. How come Rombus only a shape? How come, though, they don't use it for more names?

Oh, okay. Why isn't something named a Rombus? You never meet anybody named Rambus. Yeah. Is there, Rombus, is there a, no, there's not. I was going to say, is there a muscle? Is there a rhomboid muscle? Is that a muscle name?

You're Google. I'm thinking of a rhomboid? A rhomboid. Romboid is something. That might just mean something to shape like a rhombus. That's like probably what squares and triangles call the rhombuses. You could dance the rumba. Look at those rhomboids all differently. Sick of these fucking rhomboids.

Well, they have trapezoids actually. So maybe I'm just thinking. What's a trapezoid? Is it not a trap? Trap muscle. Oh, a trapezoid. No, the muscle? Trapezoid.

Trapezis. Trapezis. Okay. Trapeze. Trapeze. Trapezes. Trapezes, yeah. Trapezes.

That's what's up in your... Multiple trapezes. That's what's up there, man. Actually, maybe it is your trapezoid. I don't think... I guess I always read it as being different from just the shape and having a different stress on the syllable, but it actually makes more sense, right? Yeah, trapezes.

Yeah. Which one? Well, hold up. Because the shape is a trapezoid, and so I always thought the muscle was like a trapezoid or something. Like, you said it differently, but I don't know if that's true. I don't think of that's true. hear people say the names of muscle too often.

Yeah. Is it called the trap azoid muscle? Yeah. Well, it's up here. Yeah, the traps. Yeah, the traps are sure.

I've only heard it called as a trap. It's a trap when you look at mine because they're so big you might fall in love with me. Yeah, look, fall into my traps, man. Nah, no, no, no. Why did you stop looking at me then

if you're not worried about falling in love with me? You just looked. And you fell in love. So what else is going on, man? And that, oh, God, I don't even want to talk about that one, actually. I already talked about that. My brother got married this weekend.

Brother got married, another wedding, another notch on the best man belt for the king of the best man. What is that? Three times now? I mean, you have been on a crazy streak. Best man three times now. And tell me, do you have wedding fever? I don't know if I do. I don't know if I have wedding fever.

I thought it was a great wedding. You got best man fever. amazing ceremony. I definitely like being the best man. Don't think I could ever officiate. Best man is such a good title. Such an amazing efficient though.

Yeah, officiant. It's like you're kind of a bureaucrat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And then you think made of honor. And that's a little too medieval. Yeah. Best man is just so good. Man of honor will be fucking badass.

Real shit. Man of honor is cool. Man of honor. I wish they called me that. No, best man, I think, is better than man of honor. Man of honor, you got to put the chain mail on it. Yeah. If you're the best man, you can be just the best, you can just be cool.

Yeah. Oh, my uncle wants us to do an episode with his barber. Okay. What is his deal? He wants us to go down to Princeton, New Jersey, and do an episode in his barbershop. What does he find so interesting about his barber? He said he was going to, he said he was going to show me, and then he never did. He said he had a video he was going to show me

He never showed me So if you had to guess Is that he cuts a crazy He's a great barber He said he's a I think he I think the thing about him Is that he is an Italian

Old Italian man from the Bronx And he's funny That's a I mean those are hard to find around here Yeah Yeah well it's easy to find him In Princeton New Jersey Apparently

It's easy to find him here too That's kind of what I was getting that Yeah But yeah he kept telling me You got to do that And then he woke me up at 9 in the morning and try to get me do a shot of Jameson with him. I don't like day drinking, man.

If somebody wants you to day drink. If I had to, I have to be the best man and he wants me to sip Jameson with them in the morning. Yeah, I'm not going to. I fuck with day drinking a couple days a year if you are going to go the entire day into the night. That's the problem I had. That's the summertime.

You don't do it in the winter. I went to the Giants game on Saturday or Sunday. Well, the winter's better because it gets dark early. You're going to just go to bed. Yeah, that's true. I had this problem, though. I went to the Giants game. I had three humongous $15 beers of the Giants game.

Then we go over to the American Dream Mall, which is right, my first time. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing at the arcade for three hours, and I had two Manhattan's. Did you see the, there's like a thing of amazing people from New Jersey? I'm not kidding. I was there for three hours. I probably saw less than 0.1% of that mall. Yeah, it's crazy.

Because I was immediately enamored with an arcade. Yeah. The arcade is huge. But then it takes an hour and a half to get home. Nick Universe? Didn't go to Nickelode. You didn't go on the fucking shell raiser, dude? No, I didn't even know where that was.

I got in, I saw the arcade. He fucked up. He failed. I didn't fail. You failed completely. I went to a football game. Yeah, but you could have gone to a football game and then gone on the showraiser,

the tallest indoor roller coaster on the East Coast. Okay, Mr. I think it's maybe the tallest indoor roller coaster in the world. There's no way. Could be, though. We could look it up, That type of thing is never in America. We're not allowed to look at all.

They always have one in Dubai or China. Yeah, that's true. Well, maybe in America. It might be the tallest. It's the scariest one because you go straight to the ceiling. And it's like you can, if you reach your arm out, you can touch the top of the American Dream Mall. That's not sure you can. That's really not true.

You can't touch. No, you can't touch the top. You can touch the top. They would not let you touch the top. Did you touch the top? It's scary. Did you get so close to the ceiling? You could probably touch the top.

You did. You didn't say probably. He didn't touch the top of the mall. No. Don't fucking lie to me. No, but it was really tall. You can't, by the way. I've always wanted to do, I wanted to do, no, no, no, no.

This is, this is something, this is something I've pitched a million times and we, you guys said this is the worst idea for an episode ever. But it's basically, I'll admit it, it's a stolen episode idea stolen directly from Veevo, BAM. Okay. We go to the mall, American Dream Mall with $100. and we have to just spend the $100 wisely. No, you've talked about this before. And I think we both agreed that it was a good idea. It's not a podcast idea.

No, yeah, that's a... It may be you could do a report, a post game, where we have a bag and we pull out everything that we bought. I'm just thinking about the Vivalabam episode where they go to the Mollah America. So Viva, Alabama, you watch that on TV. You watch this on YouTube. So you want to do a TV episode that you've liked.

I would recreate the Vivalabam episode. So it would be fine if I said... And we have a skate demo in the wall. What if for a podcast episode, we had a thousand nematodes swarm our restaurant? You think that that's a good idea. That, honestly, not even that bad. We could make that funny for an hour. You think that's a thousand nematodes.

We could make that work. We could make that work. We know how many. We bought one thousand. My last one, sure. No, it's your last one. I don't want it. Wait, do you know the new.

Hold up. Did you see this? Now he's going to take it while he steals this from me. my brother's friend showed me this yeah i know about this oh you know about the yeah damn it i thought i thought i had something interesting to show you when we can't when i came back from my brother's wedding all the gases out of the nematode thing yeah i know i fucked up i'm sorry can't even talk about the thousand bouncing nematodes that are hungry we could do kevin we could have a kevin on an episode what kevin what kevin that bastard pickle from spon bob you remember him

yeah no the cranky pickle yeah kevin the cranky pickle yeah kevin the cranky pick There's a pickle in Spongeball? You're fucking kidding me. But he looks like a fucking pickle. He's sour like a pickle. Yeah, he really is sour like a pickle. Zero sweetness. Yeah.

I have to look this up. What? I have to. Okay. Why? What? Look up. He's had enough.

This is what you have to look up. You have to look up. You have to look up. You are interested in your wrong babies? I said something about the world's tallest indoor roller coaster, but we have to look up. That was a clear thing that we actually had to look up. I could admit that. This is this, you're crazy.

We piqued his curiosity. Kevin. that's Kevin James Kevin SpongeBob Look up Kevin SpongeBob That's not Kevin James It's Kevin Hart The pickle

Now you remember the pickle Oh yeah I do remember this guy Now that you have a great moment So we can see The power of looking things up Now we have a great moment Where I say

First I said Who is that what Now I say I remember this guy Perfect example of how it's supposed to go Great Great Amazing Podcast

Can you look up One thing though One thing He already looked up the one thing You already looked up the one thing. Tallest indoor roller coaster? We're way past it. You know what?

I want to take us and I want to transport us to the 90s. Thank you. How fucking cool were the 90s where nobody knew anything and you can just make shit up? I know. You ever lie to somebody about some shit and then they look it up right in front of you? I got in trouble last night. I lied three times in a row. Would you lie about it?

And I got him trouble with the wife. Would you lie? Tell me what the three times. It's like a ritual. A rapid fire. What were the lies? Can you tell us? Yeah, I can tell you.

Okay. There was a picture. We had a digital picture. And these are the types of lies I'm doing all the time. These are the types of lies that are only... When your wife asks you something? No, not even completely non-sequitur, no question leading up to it. Just me saying something that's not true.

I also told another good lie that I was proud of. Okay. I'll tell this first lie that I said the day before, which is what I said. I was born in 1997. Damn. Not true. 98. I just said that for no reason.

I just said that for no reason. I just said that. That's the type of. lie that I'm doing a lot of the time. So these are my three lies that I told in a row that got me into the doghouse. First, a picture on the digital picture frame came up, and it was a picture of us the day before a wedding. And she said, look at this picture. That's us the day before a wedding. I said, actually, that was taken during the wedding. You knew this was a lie that you knew was a lie. Yeah, it's not true. We're not wearing wedding clothes. Yeah. So it was during the

wedding. Clearly not true. Yeah. Not funny. Yeah. You can find it funny. I didn't either. It's not that You just kind of lied. I just said it. Yeah, you just say stuff sometimes. It's fine. Second lie. She asked me, there's another wedding-related lie. She had got her wedding dress.

You know, you send it to get cleaned and, like, sealed up or whatever. And she asked me to put it away up in our cabinet. And then she said, do you do that? And I said, yeah, I did. And I took it out of the plastic, too. That was the second lie I told. Okay. She didn't like that one.

Yeah, not liking these. Third one, the one that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Okay. We were watching the X-Files at the time. And these, these happened all within about 10 seconds of each other. Okay. And, uh, did she call out each lie individually or called out the trio? The first two were so obviously lies that they weren't even called out.

Just the scoff. Just like, just like, yeah. Yeah. Well, the, the, the wedding dress one I did say, I'm just kidding. Because I thought she was about to get mad or stressed out because that would have been a bad thing to do. Tell us the real one. I probably could have. This is the type of lie that I most normally do, which is watching the X files.

And, uh, she said, why is, why is? why don't Mulder and Scully ever use walkie-talkies to talk to other people and like when they're about to get killed by an alien they could be like come help me and they never do that and I said well walkie-talkies weren't invented until 2002 did you believe it

and she said really I said yeah I just said really and I said yeah you tripled down on the walkie-talkie line and then we sat there for a second I said I was lying it's not true and then she wouldn't talk to me for a little I do this is I know I'll be an amazing dad one day is anytime

my wife asked me anything, I just say whatever I think it could be. She'll be like, how does the OLED TVs work? I'll be like, it's crystals. Yeah. Just a bunch of, it's like a billion little crystals. If you just lead with like, I think it's this. Yeah, exactly. And then don't call me out for thinking. Yeah. Didn't think so. I said I think. Because she's not like a Googler like I am. Yeah. Yeah. She's not, you know, she knows, she'll sometimes catch me on Wikipedia. So she thinks I'm knowledgeable, but I don't know what I'm talking about. No. No.

And sometimes I'll explain real, just way further. But it needs to be kind of to cover up for the fact that I really don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. You know, and that's an amazing feeling. I'm a Googler, man. I have no. I would love to see you on Jeopardy. Stuff like that.

I'd love to see. No, I mean, stuff like that. I have no thinking stuff like that. I think I do fine on like Jeopardy or something. Okay, you actually would do good on Jeopardy. Yeah, for some of the stuff. Yeah. I'm good at trivia.

Well, that's essentially what it is. Your wife asks you a trivia question. You go, that stuff I can be like, oh, yeah, I can say that every which way. But like, if she asks me, like, do you know where this is? You just say, I think it's an air. That would be a killer question for you on Jeopardy. Yeah. Do you know where the, where's the vacuum cleaner?

Do you know where the, I put this back hole? Do you know where I put this back hole? spackle dude you gotta get open spackling no no a coat hanger fell down

no you're punching holes in the wall not anymore I fucking know I do you load it up to punch not anymore I'm not punching your roommate I'm right next to

I just used to go into my roommate's rooms and punch the holes in their wall and then they come back and they come home then they come back from work dude bat in the house dude it's like a bat or a mouse

or something there was a bat in the house don't worry I got it took a couple of tries My fist is, like, my fist has dry wall. Wrapped up in a paper towel, filled of blood. Dude, I don't, it was a huge bat.

Dude. Fruit bat. Scariest looking one. Seriously. Yeah. There's a bunch of Africanized bees in here. You're going to stop keeping fruit in your room. Dude, the bats are attracted to the fruit, man.

That's why they're called the fruit badge. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway. I found their nest, too. See, that's what I would do if I was in that situation. Yeah. You'd tell the.

The situation where you go to your roommate's room and punch a hole in the wall. The trick is, too, you say all that stuff, then you say, well, anyway. Well, anyway. You don't have to say anything else, but then it's like the topic is over. Yeah. They say, there was a bear in my room. Yeah, what were you saying about bats and say, well, that's over. Dude, move on.

We'll you fucking stop talking about these fucking bats. Let's stop talking about the bats and start talking about these that we found. Oh, guys, it's that time again. We have intercepted another shipment. I think you did this last year too I think you gave me a couple because I have Oh I did yeah because you didn't

My fingers aren't as nimble I'm not as good at stealing these kids Things right well we found them in one big sack That was all together Yeah but you guys have bigger hands And we split them up and we thought that you didn't deserve any Really? You are on the naughty list

We'll get to that So we have intercepted a bag of letters from faithful children to their idol Santa on their way to the North Pole and we're basically going to read them out and laugh in the faces of these poor little kids who don't know that their wishes will never reach Christmas

stupid fruition. What if we turned it a different way this year? What if instead of making sure that it doesn't happen? What if we... We try to grant it? We grant it 2X. Okay. We play the part of Santa.

Two of everything they asked for. How about that? It's not such a bad idea. Somebody's got to do this fucking job for these kids. You know, that's my feeling on the matter. Well, let's, here, I'll assign you this one. Okay. We'll see if you can handle this.

I can handle it, man. So this is, I'll just read the first letter. You'll see if you can grant this. Okay. Dear Santa, the past few Christmases, I have been too greedy. I asked for too many things. There are other kids in the world, and they deserve to have Christmases too. So I'll stop hogging all the presents.

This year, all I'm asking. for is just a piece of ordinary string. Wow. I also want a simple magic wand that turns pieces of ordinary string into infinite, ordinary gold bars. Sincerely, Gracious Greg. Did you read a letter from Gracious Greg last year?

I don't think so. That sounds familiar. Are you thinking of good guy, Greg? I'm thinking maybe of good guy Greg. Is that square. Yeah. Yeah, one of the funny squares. I fucking love those squares.

I love funny squares. Dude, you got to check this stuff out. Good guy Greg, though. Shout out to you. will get you that string. But do you think you can do that a golden string? Oh, not a gold. A wand, a one that turns string into golden.

So it seems like, yeah, it's a string and then a wand. A golden strong. A wand. No, there's no golden string or golden one. Well, the one could be golden, I guess. It probably has to be if it's in setting putting gold into things. Well, anyway, you can figure it out. Yeah, you can figure that.

You can figure out, you can figure out this one too. Yeah. Why is it? Why is it? Why is it? Now I'm thinking that you should just be the one. Yeah, I mean, you have barely you. No many grand every wish.

So, all right. Let's see. if you can grant this kid's Christmas wish. Okay. Let's see if you can grant this wish. Dear Santa, for Christmas, I want hamburger helper, M&Ms, chicken over rice, Waldorf salad, cotton candy, carne Asada, Langua tacos, mashed potatoes, Ambrosia salad, duck confete, Welsh rare bit, green bean, squab, pomegranate reduction, turkey leg, collard green, scallop potatoes,

chisling chicken, kimchi fried rice, white rice, kimchi fried rice, fried rice, pig trotters, gumbo, pastrami, pork, tenderloin, treat pitocas, red vines, barbecue french onion soup guacamole barbacoa stew abazaba fah seizure salad steak tips baby ruth torta barbacoa gum fish filet monkfish sushi candy corn

wax bottles calamari watermelon watermelon and fetus salad pad keemau party cheese salad pork chops with gravy applesau white fish lakas cream of mushroom soup baconator foo foo joll off rice satsiki cufta kebbs

balsamic vinaigret and a new phone This is from a starving kid. Oh, that kid is hungry. Oh, sorry, there's a PS here, too. P.S. I also want Dr. Pepper, Coke, Zero, Sprite, Desi, Mountain Dew, Cheerwine, beer, lemonade, degroni. Beer. He's a groney?

There's a kid. Milk, kaffir, C4, Celsius, slurpy, apple juice, cranberry shoes. This is, I think, exactly how your inner monologue goes when you walk around on. Orange juice. Kulata. Baha blast milk chick, hot toddy, cider, broth, water, climato,

snapple, muscle. Coffee, graper. He's not only starving, he's parched. Yeah, well, you need someone to wash all that down. I was a thirsty kid.

Shirley Temple, starry, and a charger for my new phone. Shirley Temple, that's more age-appropriate. I don't know if we're going to do the hot toddy or the peony and a cul-a-a- Yeah, that... Kaffir, what kind of kid is drinking kaffir?

Dude, me, I was fucking love this stuff as a kid. I was obsessed with it, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know that about you. The blueberry one. I didn't know what about Kaffir. I used to drink hella strawberry kaffir.

It was all I drank. All right. This is one of the ones that... Which way should I open this? Dear Santa Claus, I already know that I'm on the naughty list. So, I might as well write you this letter to roast the hell out of you.

Oh, shit is this, man. Santa. With a B&E record like that, you might as well be Puerto Rican. With the amount of cookies you eat, you are one diabetes test away from losing one of those legs. It's a Christmas miracle your reindeer don't buckle under your weight. This kid's funny. I'm surprised that you still eat cookies. I'd expect you to ask kids to leave out mafungo and tostones. And reindeer. Seriously, you're still out here using reindeer like it's the goddamn Middle Ages?

What's next? A sled powered by migrant workers? maybe get yourself a Tesla, you Puerto Rican dinosaur. If you did, damn, this kid is going there. If you did get a Tesla, you would probably try to lower it and put 24-inch subwoofers in the trunk. And what's with the laugh? You sound like a drunk T-O trying to cover up a DUI. Maybe if you laid off the muffungo in Tostona is

and let someone check you twice for cholesterol, you wouldn't be a blocked artery away from becoming the ghost of Christmas pass. Whoa. But it's all love, Santa. Really? I love you. I wish you the best this holiday season son you already know

we'll never know that one is yeah we'll have no idea who that wrote that anyway I love you I mean that kid is you know he's got chopped what kid wouldn't love Santa I know it's crazy right

the kid seriously though when he grows up he's going to be a force to be reckoned with I know I just hope he never goes political yeah that kid's going to be a bastard yeah yeah that kid honestly I'm getting the sense too that that kid probably also is going to dress really well.

There's going to be a documentary about him. I raised a roaster. That's a good idea for a movie. Black and white. I raised a roaster. We need to talk about Kevin style. I raised a roaster. Fuck you, fatty.

We have to. I mean, something's got to be done, right? Your son at school, he's being really mean. Yeah. Do you have one? I have one. I can read, actually. Read it.

Dear Santa Claus. Hello. How are you? I am doing well. I am hoping that you have a happy Christmas this year. I have been a very good boy. But Santa, I have had a hard life. My parents died when I was young. And I've lived with my aunt and uncle ever since. I've recently moved to a new school and it's been quite hard. There's a boy who hates me and one of my teachers does as well. Oh my God. For Christmas this year, I would like the golden snitch. My name is Harry Potter. did you think you were getting us no I don't think I was kidding you thought you got us when you heard us go oh you were like

I fucking got him hook line and sinker little do you know the second you opened that paper me too I saw Harry Potter you realize that I spent my entire life train

to look for those two words next to each other you thought you could I also somehow instantly saw it when you opened the paper, yeah. It was like you were bragging that you had the best idea ever for a letter. What are you doing, man?

Joe, you even went out of order here. Sorry, my bad. No, we're not doing a ping pong. Oh, ping pong? I just thought that one of us would do, or no, we have six each now. I gave him two. Dear Santa Claus, I know it's usually the children who write to you, but I think I'm in need of a miracle.

Times are tough. I'm a single mother to seven children, and it seems like the Christmas magic just isn't going to happen this year. My husband died in a plumbing accident in January. There's a lot of tragedy. There is a... It's a really sad so far. And I'm between jobs, so I don't have any co-workers

to ask, so, oh, I'll just come out and say it. Santa, I need to be dicked down. All I ask is that you put your thing in my thing and make me flip out. Santa, you are my only hope. Can you still make jizz? If so, please some aside for my gash.

I want to do it. Dash or dancer, Prancer, and Vixen style. I literally don't even want to make a baby. I just want pleasure and splewge. Oh, Santa, can't you find it in your heart to squirt just a few fluid ounces of Elmer's into a poor grief-stricken single mother's tunnel? Well, it's getting to be bedtime for my son Jonathan, who I am dictating this letter to. So I'll wrap things up. If your pecker is reserved for Mrs. Claus Cooter, I don't mind if you just finger me for three hours instead, as long as your fingers are sticky.

Sincerely, Mrs. Cratchett. Wow. Wow. This is Cratch. Well, you know, even adults can send letters to Santa, and it can be... From one of Christmas's first families. It can be sweet. I don't... She should check out a certain song.

Which one? I'm getting dick down by Santa Claus. By Cameron Fetter. I can't get it by Santa Claus, Princess Nile. No, man. Santa Baby. Because that song is driving really soon. Yeah.

Santa Baby. Didn't we say we're going to put out an album? Yeah, we're going to put out an album. Of Christmas cover? Of Christmas songs. It'll come out in February. Yeah. These things, the thing, okay, look, Christmas music,

they're always trying to release it during Christmas time. Christmas music, Christmas movies. No, no, no, no. This stuff needs to be made under the influence of Christmas spirit. These movies need to be filmed during Christmas time and then do post-production. It's going to come out later in the year. How can you fucking expect any actor to get in character when it's in the middle of the summer?

When you're watching these Christmas movies that come out in December, they filmed this like earlier in the year. They're faking it. They're fucking faking it. There's no magic. That's the reason why our Christmas album will not be coming out for a long time. It's probably not going to come out until at least summer 2026. Yep.

Because then... You can only record during Christmas. And listen, how cool would that be? It's a double album. The first half is recorded this Christmas. The next half is recorded next Christmas. Genius. And then it's the song of the summer.

That's a good idea. I know. There's so many good Christmas ideas. I love all these Christmas ideas. Why don't you want to read your letter? You really seem hesitant to open up your letter and read it. So you're just saying you like ideas. I like Christmas ideas.

I don't know if this is a letter to Santa. Okay. Yeah, no, that's, I thought, I mean, I thought I was misreading. No, it says, Dear Sabra. That's the hummus brand. Yeah. Dear Sabra, I'm writing to express my concern regarding a recent issue with one of your products. I purchased a container of Sabra roasted garlic hummus from Publix on 11233.

324. The container was sealed and stored according to the instructions, yet when I opened it on 112324, I discovered visible mold inside the hummus. Ew. I am disappointed by this experience. This incident raises concerns regarding the freshness and quality control of your hummus. Additionally, discovering mold in a product that should be safe and enjoyable to consume is concerning from a food safety perspective. I have attached photos of the issue and the relevant packaging details, including the lot number and expiration date. I hope you will investigate this issue thoroughly. I kindly request a replacement or refund for the affected product and reassurance that

measures are in place to prevent similar issues in the future. Please let me know how you plan to address this. I look forward to your prompt response. Sincerely Santa Claus. Oh, you got an outgoing one. No, no, no. That means it's getting returned to sender. Oh, interesting.

Because it's going to send to the North Pole. And, oh, there's a picture of the mold on the... Oh, wow. Ew. Santa, don't you know that? Sabra almost made Santa eat that? Sabra,

you shouldn't be not be buying Sabra hummus, yeah. I agree, man. Yeah. He should know better. Oh,

it looks like a spider. It does look like a spider. That's disgusting. That's gross. I fucking hope he's not eating. He's going to... Ew. Can't stop looking at it,

though. It's kind of like a train wreck. You can't stop looking at it. It's kind of interesting, though. Yeah. What is that shit? Sabra hummus. those are the pine nuts though

that are all furry that's nasty yeah that is nasty let me read one of these dear Santa hi my name is Samson I'm 12 years old I live in Kentucky with my dad

mom and my brother Carson I've been good this year and I'm really excited for Christmas I love Christmas I wish it could be every day of the year Christmas time is the only time I really feel at home. But I'm going to level with you, Santa.

I think I am an elf. I've always been short for my grade. My voice is high and I have really pointy ears. My mom says it's because we're Polish, but I don't buy it. I think I'm adopted. I tried to do 23 and me to check my DNA, but it said that my spit was made of frosting. We went to Applebee's for my dad's birthday last week,

and I tried to order a French dip on gingerbread with hot cocoa auju. The waiter looked at me like I was a damn sugar plum. I don't fit in with this family because my real family is with you in the North Pole working over 80 hours a week. See, it's more than just how I look. That's how I feel.

When my parents ask me to do chores, I just say yes, and I do it. I feel like it's what I was born to do. When other kids ask me to play cops and robbers, I always volunteer to be a robber in prison pressing license plates. I just don't fit in. Other kids' favorite movies are The Matrix or John Wick,

but my favorite is the dark night. It's about this guy named Alfred who just does whatever some guy tells you to. My least favorite movie is Django Unchained. I really want to work for you, Santa. I think I'd be a good worker. This Christmas, all I want is for you to put me in your big bag when you come to my house. Forget about me, then dump me in the elf pen with all the other elves so I can get to work.

My dad also told me to ask for a rose toy for him because he's too old to make a list. Thank you, Santa, I love you. A rose toy? What is that? Sounds like a toy. I mean, it's some toys. That's a toy I'm not a familiar with. I mean, either.

I mean, I'm not familiar too many toys. Coming out with all types of new toys. In the world, Mr. Whatever, the giraffe from Toys R Us. Jeffrey. That guy, that motherfucker. I know Jeffrey. Yeah, you know what he looks like. I know personally.

Show me his phone number. Not on the air. Not on the air. I'll show you off air. Jeffrey perfectly imperfect. That'd be great. Toys Ruff. Jeffrey.

It's a good idea. But you know he just said toys. Yeah. Improfits. Favorite toy. All of them. Fucking dick. head PR campaign bullshit.

Here's one. Dear Santa, I want pink princess Barbies, cute dollhouses, fuzzy plush puppies, easy bake ovens, Hannah Montana CDs, new lipsticks, fairy wings, beautiful dresses, Disney movie DVDs, brats play sets, pop star costumes,

video games where you do cooking, dress up outfits, pink pretty jewelry, nail polish, bedazzled purses, and unicorn figurines to be eliminated from the earth because I am a boy and I hate my sister and I want to kill my sister

and I want a sniper rifle for Christmas from Dirk. Dirk. Wow, that's a real as man. Yeah, I know. Oh my God. He was saying all that shit and I was like, no, no, no, no, no.

And then it turns out he hates it. So that's fine by me. Yeah. As long as you hate fingernail polish and beautiful lipstick that makes you look at hand him on the stuff. The only Hannah Montana CDI I want is Migos. I don't want any, the girls I date

or to have any, to wear dresses, to wear makeup, and that shit is girly as fucking hair. Yeah. And I'm talking short. Short. Yeah. Shorter than short. No hair. Bald woman.

Yep. Bald woman. No fucking skin. No skin on them. At all. Tomato sauce woman. But not red under there, please. No.

Olive green. Make them green for me. Drab. Something a little drab. Something that's just going to blend it with all the other shit in my house. Let me see that thing. Look, khaki. You think it's khaki.

What? Is it cacky? That's a question you do to ask a one. Is it cacky? Is it cacky? Girl, is it like cacky? Is it cacky down there? You got fatigues on down there?

What if that shit was cacky though, for real? Cackey. That's how you'd get, man. Yeah, that's how I'd get. But I'm going to read this letter now. To Santa Claus, subject, my wish list. Dear Santa, I hope this letter finds you well. Today I'm writing this letter to address a matter of great importance

as it pertains to some of the things on my Christmas wish list. I've been very good this year. Because of this, I believe that I should get exactly what I want. For Christmas this year, I would like to be gunned down in the street by Luigi Mangione on December 4th, 2024. I would like for him to get away with it for a few days and then be caught on December 9th, 2024,

or an Altoona PA out of McDonald's. If you cannot get me that, I would like a Nintendo Switch. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Together, we can continue to ensure the success of Christmas. Best regards, Brian Thompson. Brian Fellows.

Brian Fellows. Wait, so that guy sent, wait, Santa was the, that's the conspiracy. Is it Santa did it? Santa, I don't think it's a conspiracy. I think it's all right here. I feel like you got to send that to the press or something.

You should send that to the You should actually send this to the Associated Press and say I just found this. This has fallen into my lap. I can't tell you how. But I have. I think it's on telegram.

Well, I'd like to remain anonymous. I just found this. It's got like united like letter. I think it's a good idea. That's a great idea. I think we should. Your turn?

My turn? Yeah, read one of your letters. All right. Okay, there's a little one. I see a little guy holding it too. Yeah. Dear Sanda, me, Caleb Pitts, me want be Adonis,

me be Drake Kid, with a heart. I feel like, Caleb, I feel like Santa doesn't, like, make people things. Yeah, you can't make somebody. That's like a question for a genie. Yeah. This is not a genius. This is not a genius.

That's a genie wish. That's not a genius. I think you guys have me confused with this stupid kid because I don't want to be Adonis at all. I'm not interested in dressing that cool and being that. It looks like your handwritten. He's very interesting for his age. Okay. Next letter.

What? You don't let me explain the way I said that? Come on. Come on, man. Okay. My dearest St. Nicholas, I am an old-fashioned kid. I long for the traditional times of the past,

and though I am only seven years old, I find the tenets of modern-day Christmas to be pedestrian and mundane at best. Though I consider colorful toys in commercialism infantile, it can't hurt to receive a few useful chotchkes on this day that was once so much. meaningful in our country. As thus, I have prepared a proverbial

Christmas list. It is as follows. First, a sturdy writing desk on which I may compose further missives to yourself and to my friend who lives in Canada, Tommy. Item the second, a barling challenger smoking pipe with a sandblasted cordovan finish along with two ounces of fine cavendish

tobacco to steady my affect and steal my nerves during the dreaded homework time. And at last, a collection of the finest black and white films from the golden age of America, I simply despise the triviality of modern movies Where other children may like Marvel movies I am an old soul and find them to be the death of cinema

Films such as Black Panther 2 and Black Widow All have elements I dislike By the way, when I previously mentioned Black and White movies I did not mean movies that visually lack color I am looking for cinema where the cast is entirely segregated by race This Mr. Claus is of utmost importance

This is an old-timey kid Well, my parents are calling me I do believe it's time for supper I can only pray It's not that blasted macaroni and cheese again No matter how many times I beseeched my mother It seems I will never be permitted My favorite foods

Hard Tech and Salted Horse or Pizza Be well my dear man Little Mikey. Little Mikey You might be on the naughty list Mike I don't know like what he said I'm gonna be straight up with you But pizza's is good as fuck

I do agree He had us in the first half Yes he really did with the, even people that I really disagree with on a lot of stuff, it's nice that we can come together. You like pizza too? Yeah, on pizza. Who doesn't like pizza, right? It's got out to a bunch

of, like, KKK members. Yeah, like, at least tell me you guys like pizza. You guys like pizza, right? Yeah, they're like, why do you still hang out with this guy? He's literally in the KKKK, like, he likes pizza. He's not such a bad guy. Dude, we like bonded over pizza, and it just went from there. Dude, he loves pepperoni.

Yeah. Like, you guys know that pizza's my number one favorite food. so like how could I not be friends with this guy do you have another letter you can read that one you're giving me all your damn letters he's afraid to read them yeah I'm just afraid to read it

dear St. Nicholas hello my mommy and daddy are typing this for me right now oh boy Santa I've been waiting all year for this Christmas I have been so nice this year really I have this year I kicked my addiction to looking into people's homes

with binoculars. It was really hard. Because I've been so good for the Christmas, I would like, for Christmas, I would like the following. Chips and salsa,

pornography, and a netspin CD from Jubio. Oh, that's so sweet. I'm sorry that that's not. We'll get that one back in the bags. Yeah. Sorry about that.

We'll make sure that one makes it's way to the big guy. That's two years in a row. We've got one of Jubio's letters just like pure happens. Yeah. It's crazy. Kind of impressive, though.

Okay. Dear Sam. Santa, fuck you. For Christmas, I want coal from the furnace. Why is he saying, fuck you? So he gets cold. I could have just asked for it. Okay.

Santa, please just make the bullying stop. I can't take it anymore. Everyone is so mean to me. Whenever I try to hang out with the kids at school, they call me names and won't even stand near me. Nobody wants to even come to my house anymore. It's getting to the point where people are even getting called names just for hanging out with me. I know last year I asked for a lot of awesome toys, but I don't even want any toys this year.

Just please make the bullying stop. That's all I ask. P. Diddy. So this one, we're going to burn this one. Well, we don't know. A lot of people's last name, P. Diddy. Yeah. I knew a kid named Jensen Diddy.

Holy shit. This one's two pages. Jensen Diddy. Oh, very formal. Attention, the office of Nicholas Clause. Greetings, Mr. Claus. I guess that doesn't, I never really thought about that. I hope this message finds you well,

as it's one of the many I sent to ensure one gets through. I'm writing to inform you that I'm currently nine, in parentheses nine, years out from my last Christmas day where presents were delivered to my home. I've sent numerous requests for a change of address form or some way for my current home to be re-added to your delivery list, as it seems it was removed at some point, possibly due to clerical error.

your refusal to institute a proper customer service line or other avenue through which your company can be reached for the other 11 months of the year has left me with no choice but to use my Christmas letter to make my complaints heard upon the first non-delivery of December 25th 2015 I was shocked but only because your service had been so unbelievably timely in years prior as far as I could remember you were reliable in providing me with gifts toys little candies and a conspicuous clue that you had stopped by I had no reason to assume malicious intent and I figured I was simply moved to late on the delivery route. As the days, then weeks, then months rolled on, I packed up the tree, cookies, and milk that had been sitting in my living room from December well into the months of spring, disappointed but not disillusioned with the overall process. As Thanksgiving wrapped up the following year, I perhaps foolishly took pencil to paper and started on the early drafts of what would become that year's Christmas list. I often spend weeks on these, watching commercials to see what kinds of things I might like. I sealed the letter, addressed it to the North Pole, and sent it off to the post.

Christmas Day, I experienced a disappointment that was starting to become familiar and is now firmly planted as a Christmas tradition in my home. My first horrible thought was that I'd been placed on the naughty list. I leaped through my diary and started counting my improprieties from the previous year, looking at strange porn, eating old food, having scary dreams that I liked, not the cleanest year on my record, but far from the North Pole standard of what could be considered naughty. No truancy, no burping, no flipping off. I'm a nice boy, and I've always been one. To further debunk the naughty theory, not once did I receive a bundle of black coal in my stocking, which would honestly be a welcome site after all these years of nothing.

This left me with one last possible explanation. I've been left off the list. As I said, I have sent many letters throughout the years trying to address the issue with no response. Last year, I was finally driven to file a police report with the NYPD, who have assured me they are working on it as hard as they can, and they gave me a lollipop, which is a lot more than you've given me in a damn near a decade. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired This is your final notice for me

Certain items of American news in the past week Have inspired me to take action about my grievances And I believe you know what I'm referring to When killing a snake, just go for the head And then there's a Some I It's a list Lego duplo my first number train

Melissa and Doug jumbo triangular crayons Cloud B Twilight Turtle Nightlight Little Tikes mini waffle cars Tuki Land Dinosaur Puffy Sticker Book Munchkin Miracle 360

Tranner Cup Stride Right Boys slippers that look like a fox jelly cat the bashful bunny stuffy

newbie floating octopus with hoopla rings and deer zoo by Rod Campbell See you soon at minor

at yours signed CP CP who could that be yeah who could that be it can't be you

because you already sent your letter who's pretty upset you already sent a letter than saying you want to be Adonis. That wasn't me. I mean, yeah, we already did have a Caleb Pitts letter.

Yeah, CP is probably not Caleb Pitts. Yeah, it's no, it's not me. It can't be Caleb Pitts. Because Caleb Pitts already had a lot of. Yeah, he had a letter already. And I get tons of presents from Santa pretty much every year. That's what you got this last year.

I got some dinner. Well, that's good. I mean, yeah, it's a matured gift. On Christmas morning? Yeah, for the next. I got, uh, what's, I got fresh, smart. or whatever. What's that shit called?

I got some fresh smart. What is that shit called? Smart food? Hello fresh. I got a year of Hello fresh from Santa Claus. You're saying smart food. The popcorn with cheese on it. That's a good gift.

I do like that. I think that Santa eats that. I recently picked up the Flaming Hot smart food. They make Flaming Hot. I didn't even know. Really? Wow. It'll leave you red.

It's interesting. This is this the last one? Yeah, this is the last one. All right. Okay, this is not to Santa. Oh. I'll read it anyway. Dear Hocktua girl,

you are so talented. I am seriously one of your biggest fans. I love your knack for comedy, your bubbly personality, your unassuming intelligence. It's a little rude. And your open-minded worldview, not to mention your gorgeous blonde hair.

I was wondering if you'd be open and getting dinner sometime. We could have oysters in champagne and discuss the podcast industry and see where things go from there. Hell, maybe you could even spit on that thing. I apologize if that was a little forward, I'm really nervous. I've never written a letter to such a beautiful girl before. I think I could

make you really happy. Teamo, Jubio. Oh, the double letter? That's really sweet. That is sweet. And at first I thought maybe this just like fell into the bag or got mixed up because, but I think he thinks that the Hocua girl lives in the North Pole. Oh, interesting. He wrote that as the mailing address. Yeah. You put a, you put a heart there. You realize she's in Tennessee. You do realize us. I just want clarify one thing. Okay, go ahead. Okay, you get one second. Okay. I wrote those before the scam,

by the way. I take all that back. You don't fuck with her anymore because of the crypto scam. Dude, who gives a fuck? You said you wrote those, so before the hawk to a scam, you wanted chips and salsa for Christmas? But not anymore. You don't want

chips and salsa for Christmas anymore? You're done clarifying? It's done clarifying. Oh, no. Do you still want chips and salsa for Christmas? Because we can make that happen. Yeah. I don't know. Can we get that on the soundboard? That exact sound. I'll be cutting that out. Okay, guys, Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Soon. Happy Hanukkah. Happy holiday season. Happy Kwanza. Does you guys know anybody who celebrated anything other than Christmas growing up? Not until I was like 12 or 13. I think I didn't meet a Jewish person until. Even a lot of Jewish people I know just did Christmas. Really? Yeah. Christmas takeover.

Christmas is winning the war. Christmas win. Christmas win. Christmas win. This Jewish family celebrates Christmas. It's a headline on Fox News. Yeah. Finally, a win for Santa Claus. He's been needing it.

He's really down this year. All right. Anything else to talk about? Chicago on the 19th. Yep. That's going to be very fun. January. Your tickets.

It's really coming up at this point. We'll do letters from Chicago. Ewojima. Yeah, we're doing letters from Dennis Farina. It's actually a thing that we've been, before he passed, we actually wrote him a bunch of letters and we're going to be reading them out loud. Kind of like when someone writes like a letter to a dead relative.

Yeah. Where it's like all. Dear Dennis Farina. Or when someone writes a letter to someone when they're really mad at them and they doesn't mail it. And then they die. I'm mad that you're not in more movies because you died. I'm so pissed that you died.

Yeah, we need to actually Sorry, I just remember We need to actually get Diedrich Bader on the show Yeah I've been watching Veepe and he's in it And I mean, I haven't really been watching him Forgot we did a whole Q&A on the Instagram

I think he's my favorite actor He's so good We actually need to get plugged in them That we impersonated him He loved it, he messaged me about it Yeah, that's true He doesn't have to know about that We're going to do it again

I think I might do it when I get home Yeah Nobody will know until this thing. All right. All right. And then I guys. Okay.

Pixar versus DreamWorks, bro. I got Pixar. You got Pixar. I'm not talking about in terms of goodness. Yeah. Okay. Quality,

it's obvious of the people. But the characters, it's got to be DreamWorks. It's obsessed with doing villains with ultimate power. Yeah, it has to be DreamWorks. They got the incredible. They don't have to spickle me.

They do they? No, that's Illumination. That's Illumination. Illumination DreamWorks. Oh my God. They're part of it. I don't know. I would anyway.

They have MegaMind and he's good enough to beat any, little kid. All the Pixar's are kids. Monsters versus aliens pulling up on Woody and Buzz. It's not even... Monsters versus aliens, bro. It's close. They'd be on the ground. They'd be on the ground. Where's Pixar? Monsters, Inc., and all they can do is scare. They're not even violent. They're scared

of humans. Yeah, exactly. The big-ass thing from Monsters vs. Lange. Here comes Vector. And Violet. Violet. Violet. She can turn invisible. You know what? I did just remember the entirety of the Incredibles universe. Yeah. But Mega Mind literally

killed the most powerful superhero. Yeah, but they got a bunch of cars. The Incredibles are all superheroes. They got, you know, Megamine getting hit by a million cars. Megamite. What do you mean they got? Just because there's cars in the movie? Yeah, there's cars in all the fucking movies.

Wait, actually, cars tips it. Cars tips. I see the cars from, I thought you said the cars from Incredibles. No, no, no, no, no. He's saying, imagine you're in a fight. It's Megamine versus Mr. Incredible. All of a sudden, the car. Lightning McQueen comes around the corner.

I thought you were just saying there's a bunch of cars in the movie. No, no, no. Incredible. So they would have cars. No, no, no, no, no. Lightning McQueen turn in the corner. But Jack Jack actually would solo every single... Jack Jack was literally a cheat code.