Podcast About List - Ep. 324 - Mommy's Gone 4: Based Caleb & The Prankster

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

Caleb kept saying this was the third Mommy's Gone, but he was completely wrong, I didn't correct him because I didn't actually knew this was the fourth one. Please enjoy! Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutList Buy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlist Follow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Look at how relaxed we are today. What is making you so relaxed, man? It's not that Mommy's gone. Okay. I miss him. I miss him dearly. But I miss Mommy. I'm not afraid to say, but I miss Mommy.

I have reached pure bliss. Why have you reached pure bliss? I have 14 days sober from energy drinks. Yeah. Get that, get that playing. Yeah, this is, you know this shit coming back when. And mommy's out of town. Mommy's, well, the boys will.

play now, we'll play on the sound board. When mommy's away, the boys will say. Haven't touched that even once. No, it's been a minute. You know what it is? I'm in a state of bliss, but also every rose has its thorn. Look at the bottom of my should. Look at the holes. You have a hole on your cowboy boots.

Tell me about this energy drink thing for a second here. So you're somebody who I would say engages in quite a few vices. Mm-hmm. What? Now you've got me serious.

Now I got. Sorry to take you out of relaxation mode. So you, and that's, I don't think of that. That's not an insult, right? I don't think so. You like having fun. I think one of my biggest vices is fun. Yeah, fun might be your number one vice.

I think that is my number one vice. So, and it leads to things like today, you followed your roommate around a grocery store for 30 minutes, taking pictures of him. Well, I was at the, okay, I was at the grocery store at the same time. Okay. But I knew that he couldn't see me. This has happened more than once, too, for the people at home. of him. It is funny to take creep shots of your friend and then

send them to them. You send them to me. I was thinking you could make like a Google voice number or something. Text it from a number he doesn't know. That's a better idea. Yeah. But now he's going to always know it's you. Yeah. If he gets a bunch of pictures of him sent to him. That is true. We could give out

his number. I mean, that's a good idea if you find him. The thing is, he also shares his location with me at all time. So we could take a full day and just hunt him if we wanted to. If we knew that he was like running errands. I think he shares it with me too. So you need to use that to your advantage. Yeah.

So fun, this is part of your fun thing. But what about all the things that you indulge in? Why was energy drinks the first thing that was taken off the menu? I truly don't know. I think it was a cost thing. I realized that I'm spending. I would drink a Celsius every day, which also somebody showed me a study,

somebody, the ball and churn. Ah. Yeah. It showed me a study that links them. Like, it was like Celsius and like colon cancer. But I probably already have that. You, how many,

how many energy drinks do you think that you've taken in in your entire life? Right in front and back from the time you had the first one. 365 days of 2023. Really? Every day you had an energy. Just one though? Or multiple.

Sometimes I've had multiple in a day. Sometimes I stack the, because I'm not, I'm so addicted to caffeine that it's like I don't drink stuff for the flavor anymore. I drink it for the caffeine content. Did you ever take any break from caffeine ever in your life as an adult? I didn't drink energy drinks until college. But you had,

I didn't drink caffeine until. But since you started. I mean, well soda, Is it just being a train you've been on? Oh, it's been, it's completely ruined my life. But what do you mean ruined you? It's caffeine. I don't know if that's ruined your life.

It's ruined me. Completely. In what way is it ruined your life? I'm addicted to running to being jumping around and stuff. It's made you more hyper. I'm addicted to being hyper. Okay. And I think the caffeine is also directly impacted how much I indulge in fun.

Because now I have to, I'm constantly hyper. It's craving fun. fun craving activities and behavior yeah okay so what other parts of are fun well the the

the stocking Noah thing was fun I showed you the other did you click the the live photo on that one you did a live photo there was one I fully jump scare him no he didn't know

I took that picture and he didn't know I was there this one really close to yeah he had no idea I was there I walked by the aisle and I just like took like held my phone out and just snapped the photo

walked by and uh you can you can see in the live photo like how quick i did it and uh yeah it's it's honestly so fun i don't know why you had a bucket you should become a private investigator i'd be so fucking good at that i think that i would hire you yeah private investigator i think i bet i can find something i can find something really old about you on google probably no but i mean like an old style oh private investigator you walk around you maybe i'll just do that to you have a leather shirt on yeah Yeah, just hunt Cameron next time. I think I'm just going to hunt camera now. Tell him that you're out of town.

So he lets his guard down. He's got my location. He's got my location. I've spent, turn it off or spoof it. I could spoof my location. Spoof your location. How do you spoof it? You use a VPN.

I could use it. Costa Rica this week. Yes. Well, you could say that with your new red note fame that you've been turned into. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't even, I didn't even, well, we can get into that now. Okay. So TikTok is going.

away. And I've been saying, this is why I never did any of this shit is because I knew in seven years after everybody made all the money there is to make on that website, I knew that it would be banned and replaced. And so I decided, you know what? I'm not going to do it. I'm never going to be a TikTok star. Yeah. And I use it. I think it's fun. There's a lot of face filter games you can play on there. Oh, that's the shit. There was like

blink when you can see, which often The office character are you. That, yeah. Oh, grab them, Dwight. Uh-huh. I do that, and then there's, like, stuff you can do to the cat, and you can put funny filters on your animals. They don't, I don't believe that. I'll filter on an animal.

I've got some pictures I got to show you. Um, but I had a video on TikTok that did well, so I was like, oh, I'm, you know what? This new app Red Note. Maybe you'll let that one fly on there, too. Yeah, but, but you got to make a little bit of a joke about it being Chinese. No, I had to, well, it's a Chinese app. Yeah. The whole app's in Chinese.

TikTok is Chinese. No, but Red Note is completely in Chinese. The entire thing is Chinese? Yeah. Well, I mean, there's English, like, edit profile and stuff, but, like, most of, like, all the posts are Chinese. Okay. Except for yours. Except for me and, like, the other people who have flocked there.

So I take this video, the one of me is Homer Simpson. Yeah. The full yellow body paint. Yeah, full yellow body paint. And I translate it, and I think nothing of that. Uh-huh. And I didn't realize till later that. that I'm in full yellow face.

Yep. And you put Chinese. Speaking in a Homer Simpson voice, or I'm sorry, a Peter Griffin voice with a Chinese words. Yeah. So I don't think that one's going to do that well. Well, it depends on, you know, there. I was just like, oh, what's the last video that I've made?

I'll just translate it and then put it on there. Unfortunately, the last video I made is being yellow face. I would say, I would say that's a bit of a mess up. but the only people it's going to mess up with are people who don't know who Homer Simpson is, which could be a large part

of the Chinese population I think they know. I think they know. I think he's, I think he's transcended boundaries or barriers or whatever. What do you call that? Borders.

Borders, boundaries, borders. The three Bs. The three Bs of a divisioning. The three Bs that libertarians hate. Well, no, they don't. They hate borders. No, man. They want everything to be free market.

Not true. They love borders. They hate borders, I thought. Dude, as a former fucking Ron Paul mailing list recipient, I can tell you, we like the borders. All right. Keep those borders. Oh, yeah, because it's the private property stuff. They love private.

They do like private. These libertarians love private. Do you remember that video where Ron Paul is stroking out on that Zoom call? Oh, yeah. Wait, he was having an actual stroke. It wasn't the camera. skipping, right? No, we actually had a full stroke on the Zoom call. It was during

COVID, right? Yeah, that was a fucking legendary video, man. He said Mimi. He said, me, me. He said, me. He said, me, me. And the other guy is, like, kind of still like, yeah, for sure, Mr. Yeah. Me, me. That's just kind of

how he just thinks that that's like, yeah, he just thinks it's like some kind of like language he's speaking. Ron Paul stroking out could have gotten the Libertarian nomination 100% If he had had an 18 month stroke

during the entire campaign he would have got nominated He had a stroke but it's just like that movie Bullworth Yeah He's just walking around rapping

But he's just like Studling There would have people at the libertarian convention Like me me and BB with With me

Me me and BB with me And people will Yeah Yeah That's fucking true Me me Me me me Me me

I fucking love those guys I watch that I watch that guy who got is his shit destroyed in the Palisades fire and he was like is there any like there's this libertarian like millionaire

he got all of his shit burnt and he was like can anyone direct me to a private firefighter damn wait that's a good business that we should start I'm about to be in Los Angeles for a little bit

I could do a private firefighting that's a good idea thing and I show up I love that as a concept though just like like what do you think that like the fires contain like it's not going to like why would you have a private firefighter because it's like you know it's only they're only going to spray the water on your property it's not like the fire knows like a like a border well the fire's just going yeah but if they come if they if it also just seeing like a group of guys pull up with a

fire truck and they just spray your house and they're just like it's better funnier not doing anything like it's a full city block that's on fire they're like all around the border spraying garden hose out and then they have a line they have big blinders well this is good for the business too just like big water blinders yeah so we can't see nothing you put uh no you put um what's the word or uh water borders oh a fence yeah is the word you carry around big fences that you can like in the kids part of the water park where it makes that whole wall of water beams or streams rather do that and then just get it on one house uh that's not a bad idea yeah and then you like wake up in the morning and you're going to work and you like pretend

like nothing's going on at all until you exit the little water thing and you're in everything's been burned down yeah that's not that bad of an idea it's a really good idea the question is how expensive would the private firefighters be oh insanely and also for you know i mean you know the whole, do you know why all these fires have happened in Los Angeles, apparently? Why? Apparently it's D-E-I. Really? D-E-I, because the Los Angeles fire department's about, they had a lesbian, three percent, three-percent women.

I did see this. Yeah, and they have lesbionic firefighters now. You wouldn't trust, I, I would trust a lesbian firefighter more than fucking, more than a, more than a, okay, rank. More than a black guy. Oh, my God. First, the red note thing. You're getting America-style races?

Tell me the ranking of who I would trust. Men and women straight and gay. Let me say. What's the top to the bottom? In terms of firefighter hires. Lesbian woman, doesn't matter the race, number one. I didn't say anything about race, and you keep bringing this into it. Well, DEI is about race.

Well, but they're saying that it's about womenizers, women's. It's about womenizers. Women, I mean. They should have some womanizers on the fire department. They should have more women. It should be one-to-one womanizers and women. Okay. They're going to hire.

Every woman has to have an accompanied womanizer hire. That's a good idea. That's a pretty good idea. That's how you saw DEI. That's D.E.I that I can get behind. That's what I'm saying, man. Get some players. Include the diversity, equity, and include these players that are trying to get in there and share a locker room or whatever.

I don't know. Yeah, they had to share a locker room too. Yeah, I mean, there's no way around that. but tell me straight gay men and women where do you rank it you said lesbians number one lesbians number one okay i think the second would probably be straight guys okay probably trust gay guys last okay why is that why's that because uh because why it's a simple question why don't you trust gay guys with your house when it's on fire because they probably think it was the club. Oh, God.

You're probably not wrong. They would probably treat it like a nightclub and dance around it. And dance around the whole thing. And they'd bring the women, too, the straight women. Well, then I'm not that mad about them bringing that to my burning house. Yeah, but they're just dancing and your house is on, all your stuff is gone. Yeah, but it's already, meanwhile, these straight guys and these lesbians are just throwing big buckets of water at it. Yeah, they're doing a brigade, a bucket brigade up to your house. Yeah.

All the way. Guess who's in charge of that? Because you know the lesbians ain't driving no motherfucking fire truck over there. You know they got to get that long. They don't got a fire forester. Oh, man. You don't want to see a lesbian firefighter do a 50,000 point turn in a fire truck? No, man.

They're going to bucket brigade all the way from the station. I've never seen a Subaru fire truck. Oh, no. No, but really we love you. We love lesbians. We are being sarcastic. and I'm being sarcastic. We're being sarcastic.

We love everyone equally. Except for Patrick as he. Well, we've thought about doing some DEI hires around here. We did. Well, Julio is Cameron, too. We do. Oh, I forget he's DEI. He's DEI.

I completely forgot he's DEI. Hatchez is too, Italian. All right, that's a little. Come on now. Come on now, I'm a comedic leftist. I got to say, I got to put an Italian joke in there. A little trite, I would say. say.

Trite? A little trite. Yeah, what is that? Some they eat at the dinner of the seven fishes. Well, actually, I think tripe. What is tripe? I think that's a fish. No, I think that's intestin.

Or stomach, right? Yeah. I've never had that shit. Tripa. Trapa. Trapa? It's not tripe? Well, it's called tripe, but it's called Tripa tacos when you have it in. I'm just so hungry for a taco night.

Oh, I want an update on one meal a day out of you. Oh. What is, how has this been going? It's actually, because the last time I checked in, it's disastrous. It was going bad, but. But I've gotten over the hump, and now it's good. Now you've got it back. Yeah.

So right now... I'm not hungry. Are you fasting right now? Yeah. What was the last time you ate? That's actually, no. I ate a chip this morning to try it out. You ate one chip, so I did break a pass.

Does that ruin your... That ruins my spirit, actually. Because you're like, I gave in and I had one chip. But that doesn't even make you fucking... That's not filling you up. No. It's just because you wanted to try the chip. Yeah.

What kind of chip was it? It was like a barbecue chip. No. No, it was, I got the Cholula Salsa Verde, and I wanted to try it. And then did you point out and you're like, I'm saving you for later now that I had a bite of you? What, I ate half the chip and put it down is what you think? No, but like, is the whole chip, is the bag going to be the rest of your meal of the day? No, no, dude, it's taco night.

I got carna asada. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the taco night. So what are you doing with these chips? Are you going to have one chip every day? I have one chip a day. I wouldn't have one chip a day. I wouldn't have one chip a day. One chip a day?

Oh, I'm going to have chips and salsa with my tacos. Okay. So you are going to eat them tonight? Yeah. So what about tomorrow when it's chicken cacciatore night, and you're going to eat chips and salsa with that too? Chicken cacciatore flavored chips. That's a good idea. That's not a bad idea at all.

I'm getting more into the interesting flavored chips. They have just released Cajun Lays. That's just Old Bay. We got to link up with the foodie boys. Maryland Foodie Boys. They would love the Old Bay. Well, no, Old Bay is an occasion thing. Well, they have the crab chip.

Crab chip. That's the Old Bay Uts. But no, Old Bay is not Cajun. It's used sometimes. What's the Cajian version of that? It's like Tonys. Tony Shashashoree. I still am working through those bottles.

Shout out to Tony Shashiree, man. There's a lot of bottles. I mean, they fucked this up. Straight up, my sodium intake is through the roof, man. Oh, yeah, me too. Last night I made a piece of salmon, and I put it like, I just cover it till I can't see the salmon with the Tony Shasheries and then I eat it. You salt bake

it but in the... Basically salt bake it yeah. In the ground and Peru style stuff. Oh yeah. Man I want to eat again. I want to eat Koi so bad. Is it Koi or is it Kui? Did we ever decide? Kui, I think it is. So you have been wrong. No, I think it might be, I don't know. I don't remember what it is.

Koi is a motherfucking fish. He doesn't know. He's not Peruvian. Yeah, but it's Spanish. It is Spanish. Yeah. How would you pronounce? Q U or no C-U-I C-U-I Poop

He's being so unsurious Dude this is not that kind of episode Man You really got the wrong idea About what we're trying to do here today This is a We're talking D-E-I We're being edgy

We weren't Patrick really put his I put my I hope pronounce it I teetered on the edge Quay Quay Quay

Quay I was teetering on the edge And then you come in and say poop and just be school yardy. Yeah, when you don't want that today. No. I was being adult edgy, okay?

And you come in with a little kid. Acting like a little kid. Yeah. Because a little kid. That'd be edgy for a kid. For a kid to say, you know, I've been thinking recently maybe. Well, that might be adult edgy almost. Really?

Oh, because of penis. Because a penis. But fart. But fart is definitely kid edgy. Fart is kid. I've been thinking recently that nobody says this anymore. Oh, pee. Why doesn't everybody say that?

Who's ever said O.P? When I was growing up, if something happened, I'd be like, pee. I think that was a- Like shit. You don't want to say shit. I wasn't a little kid. I was like 15. You would say O-P.

Well, you'd just be like, if something bad happens, it'd be like, instead of like, fuck, you can't say fuck, you're a kid. Yeah. P. I wouldn't say that. I would just swear. But you grew up in Tom Sawyer. Yeah.

Village. And I grew up in a really good. It was called Old Country Village where I grew up. Really? Yeah. Talked about OCV. for OCV you had a you had a oblock name for it wow OCV Patrick that's not a bad idea yeah well I'm from 9-1-0 Drumington Kilmington you know yeah I don't know what I guess 603 London I mean

London Derry I'm from the 603 yeah London Derry you can't do that no all the fucking there's no I guess Manchester no because even then Manchester Manch Vegas yeah that's more of like calling Vegas Vegas Sin City or something Yeah Nashville was trashua

That's what kids called it That's a diss though That's not a point of pride Unless you're white trash But were people saying trashua Like yo I'm from trashua No No so it's not

People were saying I'm from Kilmington Oh yeah Yeah Kilmington Murda Beach Merda Beach Bolivia Bolivia

We have a town called Bolivia He just knew a Bolivia No we have a town There's Bolivia, North Carolina, man. We have a, so get this. Okay. This is when the dramatic, the... That's where the music comes in.

Stop saying poop, man. Dude, seriously. No, with the Marilyn Manson music kicks in. So get this. In New Hampshire, there's a town called Berlin. But they don't pronounce it that way. That what? What? They don't pronounce it that way.

You didn't say that way? They don't pronounce it that way. They say Berlin. They say Berlin? Like Merlin the Wizard. Yes. Hmm. That's foolish.

Yeah. Well, we have... Why do they do that? It's called Berlin. That's something that happens in every town, I think. We had, there's a, there's a street in Wilmington that's spelled K-E-R-R. How would you, how would you pronounce this? I'm guessing they say car

we say car yeah but it's cur yeah and it drives me crazy but I do it because it's just the rules of how somebody said it one time and then it's just how it's it's like uh

kajusko yeah everyone says it kaziosko here who how that's what I heard who says kaziosko I've heard people say kaziosko I've never heard it

you don't hang out with a lot of a lot of queens natives though yeah I do really yeah Doug Heffernan? It's Doug Heffernan. You never met him? No, I don't think so.

Oh. Well, he's been around. He's got a cow name. Doug Heffernan? Doug Heffernan. It's not a cow name. Can you pull up a picture of Doug Heffernan, my close friend? No.

What is he? No. Pull up a picture of Doug Heffernan. He's going to be a cow if you pull up the picture. I don't want any part of that. Actually, he might have played a cow in a movie. It's Kevin James from King of Queens's name. Doug Heffernan.

Hold on. My God, I really just got completely burned. No, oh, man. That's Doug funny. Fuck, I just got actually completely bodied. How do you do that? I don't know. You really had me convince you had a friend named Doug.

And now I'm not surprised that I called him a cow. Yeah, because isn't he, it's Barnyard. He's Otis, right? I don't know. The white cow? Kevin James is in the movie. Why is he a white cow? I thought he was completely...

I thought that was a joke because he's completely white. Is that a joke? No, he's not. He's got spots. He's a fucking cow. Yeah. What the fuck am I thinking of?

A white cow? You think you just called Kevin James a white cow? He was. You see that clip of him on Rogan? No. He said he fasted for 40 days and drank salt water.

Oh, that's a Jesus. Yeah. That's a Jesus-esque. He was like, yeah, I fasted for 40 days, you know, drink water with a little bit of salt in it. Dude, no, you fucking. didn't you don't believe that you think it's just ozempic and he just yeah it was ozempic and he was on

rogan he wants to sound fucking but people do fast all the time people have fasted for you can't you can't fast as long as jesus did dude there's a there i remember there was a guy that fasted for like two years and just had water and vitamins and he was like 700 pounds yeah and he lived i don't think it was really bad for him no he lost all the weight and but his heart was just like the side was a grinchesque style heart at the end yeah at the beginning of the but not at the end. Is that what happens?

Your heart shrinks when you get insanely I think you lose weight from the inside out they say. Oh, okay. So the first thing to go is your internal organs,

they shrink. And then once they get to the smallest possible bit that they can be, the rest of you also follow the suit. You get small? You get small.

And I think you lose some height and your bones get shorter as well. That's crazy that you can like, you just support yourself on a skeleton. Well,

if you think about it, man. The skeleton inside of you? Yeah. I've seen skeletons in science classrooms all over the country. They're scary as fuck. I've never liked that about the skeleton shit. I don't like skeletons. You think about that and it's like,

this is also holding my guts. Well, that's true. Well, it's more your skin and membranes, I would say they're holding your guts. My membranes. Because your guts are not... And think about that. You've got a brain on every part of your body, the membrane.

Well, that's true. And you know what they call them stomach? What? The second brain. brain or some people call it the first brain if they have a big stomach yeah did you know you have more neurons in your stomach no i don't anywhere except your brain i pretty much don't know any science facts did you know you can think with your own stomach i do every day go ahead try to think with your try to have one thought from your stomach right now because of all those neurons it's possible

okay i'll think right now yeah and have it control your voice as well burger why did you do a ventriloquist like try to make it look like you didn't say my stomach Beaker. Hamburger. Hamburger. Hot derger. Hot derger. What is it?

What's the letter you're supposed to say for B in ventroquism? Is it? I need a derger. Gerger. I have a derger. Hamburger. No, that's a derger. Why did you say Shan derger?

Shamburger. No, as I moved my lips. You moved your lips and you said shamberger. Kangger. No, that's gang burger. Gemberger. You, you will know. You will know.

never be Dunham. I don't think I could. I don't think that there's a true talent to ventriloquism and we're losing. People hate on, people hate on Dunham. Probably because of his raciality. Is he racial?

Do you don't remember the black puppet? Peanut is purple. Peanut is fucking purple. Not peanut. Willie the pimp. I don't. Who's Willie the pimp? Dude, he made a black puppet

that looks like a California raisin. Really? Yeah. And the whole thing, the whole thing is like, I'm looking for my holes. Where are my hose at? And he's like,

hey, don't be rude. But what if he told you, so if I'm Jeff Dunham, and you come at me with that and you're protesting outside of my sold-out Madison Square Garden show. And I'm protesting

against a black puppet. Yeah. I lift the model's head off of my crotch and I go outside and I tell you, I'll have you know, Willie the Pimp, I knew Willie the Pimp.

He was a really good, man. He was a close friend of mine. I'm just imagining like people protesting outside of a Jeff Dunham show like racist protesters because they're like, fuck that black guy. They think

that the puppet's real. They think the puppet's real. They have the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan is outside of FSG protesting Willie the Pimp. That guy. And peanut. Yeah.

Is Peanuts supposed to be... I don't think Peanuts supposed to be black man. I think you're treading on some pretty... No, it was like his... Did he make Peanuts say the word? No. Wait, did he make Willie say the word?

He might have. I don't think he did. Jeff Dunham wouldn't do that. Yeah. No, Jeff Dunnham is... It's like most, like, clean comedy. Like, Jeff Dunham's like, is he... Is he a clean comic?

I don't remember. Uh, yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. The thing about, like, most clean comedy is like... It's like, oh, I can't swear. I don't swear in my act. So here's the most offensive Chinese voice you've ever heard in your life.

That is an interesting tactic. Yeah. When you're doing stand-up. It's like, oh, I do clean. And then it's like they have their eyes taped back for like half the set. Well, Brian Regan does the same thing. He pretends to be mentally disabled. Yeah.

That's funny. I mean, it is funny, but it's the same shit. No, I know. You have to pick one route. Yeah. If you're going to be a clean comedian. Yeah. that you have to do this.

You have to do either. You're either the most racist guy. You have that some kind of shocking thing. Yeah. Like John Panette was clean too. And like one of the most, I, I, every John Panette clip that I've ever seen, because there's like, you know, the fucking, like, I don't know who John Panette is. He was a clean comic.

All he told you was a fat guy. All he talked about was food. And his like most famous bit is like how he was at an all you can eat buffet. And the Chinese owner kept coming out and yelling at him because he ate too much. Oh. Oh, I see. And, yeah. I see.

And he was, he was, uh, he looked like spanky from little rascals. What about Terry Faydor? Does he do anything crazy? He's got, well, he's got a crazy turtle named Winston. What? I don't know anything about him. I know that he's like a huge Vegas act. He's got a little British puppet turtle named Winston the turtle.

See, to me that is borderline. He's making fun of the British, on them slow and old. Yeah, that's British. What do you call that? Anglophobic. Yeah, this is anglophobic. That's horrid. Yeah, Fader.

Yeah. Ew. Darth Fader, do you think he's ever done that? I would bet that he, that was his first joke. If we could travel back in time to when he was 17 or 18, he told his first joke, just in his friend group, I bet it was I am Darth Fador. Yeah, most people call me Darth Fader. Mm-hmm. And people are going, you should try stand up, man.

You should try Fentropin. Dude, that's good. That's pretty good. You should pick up the puppets. You should be a ventriloquist, man. Yeah, those... Not even, like, completely circumventing, just like, being like, oh, dude, you should be a comic.

You should be a ventriloquist. You should be a ventriloquist. You should at least try it. Go to an open leg. Giving somebody, like, the most amount of work you have to do. Mm-hmm. Like, stand-ups, like, hard, sure. I mean, what do you do?

If you want to get into ventriloquism, you start with a sock. Yeah. Just get, that's where you, like, cut your teeth in the sock then you start you start putting

ping pong balls on the side well first you start with Ubi first you're doing Ubi with your hands and that's like he's level one that's like training at your house then you go to your first open mic we're popping the haines on

and we're doing going up at the sock puppet not even a sock puppet just like this just with the Ubi yeah just the hand and you say oh that's not gonna work and then some guy at the bar later

you're drinking because you bombed with Ubi and some guy's like hey man You ought to think about... Hey, you ought to think about putting a sock on the hand. And then it slowly evolves. Because where does ventrilo... I mean, that has to be origins of ventriloquism.

Yeah. Is that you, they started with the hand because this is obvious. Anybody can do this. That looks like a... I mean, it looks like me. This is what I look like. Everyone's...

And everyone's hand looks like them in some way. Oh, that one looks more like you than mine does. Yeah. Mine looks just like me. This looks like me. Yeah. So they start with that and they do a little miniature version

of them with the hand. Then you do the sock. Then you add the ping pong. Then you're drawing a tongue sticking out of the hand's mouth. Oh, yeah. Construction paper. So any time that it opens them up. Yep.

And then you move on. And then you discover in your 30s or 40s, you discover the Muppets. And then you start doing puppets. And you discover woodworking. Then you watch Pinocchio when you're about 50 years old. And you say, now I know what I should be doing is I'm going to turn the sock into the most racist thing on human earth. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I should just draw slits where the eyes should be on the sock That'll work Yeah And I'm gonna put chatterbox teeth I remember when I was a kid And Jeff Dunham was popping off Yeah I mean he was he was a veritable right Dude my my one of my teachers told me I should watch him

I remember being at school was her name She's fucking rich She's crazy rich Yeah she's got to be I was I remember talking to like kids at school about Jeff Dunham and my opinion on Jeff Dunham was like

I don't really like the puppet stuff I'm more into like the 10 minutes of standup that he does before they bring the puppets his joke about

the blue Prius Yes the Prius joke was the big one Spark of insanity that was the special and what an amazing name the spark of insanity yeah

and he I mean he was right stand-up specials have the greatest names in the world yeah I mean let's let's let's think of all the names Nanette

and that spark of insanity Spark of Insanity. Two sides of the same coin. That's a good name for one. Two sides of the same coin. Two sides of the same coin. I'm living it up. I'm living it up.

That would be a good one. French pussy. French pussy. Pussy on the dog. Pussy on the... No. Black on both sides. No, that's the most deaf album.

Bigger and blacker. Yeah, that's David Cross. No, Chris Rock. David Cross is big. bigger and blacker. Oh, okay. I think was his. Oh, yeah.

That is his. Yeah. Who? There's, I mean, there's really only like 10 good stand-up special names. Okay. What do you have? What do you go for me? Well, I think, you know what I think is lazy, though?

And I think it's like disrespectful. Live from. Yeah. Don't do live from. No, no, no. Don't do live from. You got to think of a fun name for it, man. Yeah.

Laboring under delusions. Who's that? I don't remember who that is. I think that maybe is Paul F. Tompkins or something. Oh, okay. That one's good. Yeah. Laboring under delusions.

Don't say live at the whatever theater. Don't say live from the whatever city you're in. Someone, I forget who special it was, but it was just stuff I made up. That's good. That's good. What was the Brian Regan one? Uh, you. Tube.

Brian Regan. YouTube is a good name for one. YouTube is a really good name for one. Oh, oh. honestly I gotta give it to him Brendan Shob you'd be surprised I mean that's the best name of all that's a really good special name

because they can use the Rogan clip you can use the Rogan clip also it's you'd be surprised that you like this hey yo dat me up for that shit yo I'm just thinking from a marketing perspective oh you're okay you weren't dissing no dishing I was I was

you were dissing the go I was you do realize that Shob would body you on stage he would in a roast battle in a roast battle really in a roast battle i don't think he could hear me over the cauliflower in his ear okay dab me up one more time for that because that was fucking sick that was fucking tight no but for real he'd destroy you in a roast battle he has a probably just call me retarded he has a yellow corvette yeah i don't have anything you don't have anything he has the irs were to seize my assets today what'd they get probably just a couple of nickels you'd be on a chain gang yeah did that pretty

Fest, I think. Oh, yeah. I'd be in debtors prison. Yeah. Pridden. You can't even read or spell. I can't speak. How are you supposed to pay the IRS anything? I don't know. That's what I've been thinking about all month. All month. All month I've been thinking about this. Oh, yeah, the video in the car accident. Shop flipping the truck. Do we think that this was an inside job? I think it was an inside job. Because why is he filming himself just driving a car? Speaking of the IRS. This is a tax write off. But why? We would you write off a car to destroy it? No, no, no. He bought the car realized, this is my conspiracy

now. Okay. He bought the car, realized oh shit, too many payments on this. I accidentally did you can just... I accidentally did a 365 year lease for a dollar a month. Okay. I don't think that.

I'm sorry, $10 a month a month. $365 years. And he's like, oh, fuck. How the fuck am I going to pay that off that's so much money I'll die I'm gonna I'm gonna break the car oh okay but does that he figured out a way to be the safe as safe as possible in the car I think my wife did this the other day she drove for 12 miles with the e break on yeah dude yeah it's pretty it's pretty awesome every time I break it sounds like someone got a strike in bowling it's so fucking bad but that's okay because now I can write it off I guess yeah but I have to film myself doing a donut

The Gibson guitar company did. They made a bunch of guitars called the, it was called the Firebird X. Badass name. And it was... That would be the name of my co-stown-stand-up special. Firebird? Firebird.

That's a good one. Firebird. Firebird live in Phoenix. Firebird. The Firebird, live from Phoenix. That's so funny. Or the ice monster live from Alaska. Yeah.

Or the monkey king. Live from the jungle. Live from Africa. Live from the jungle. the monkey king we're live from life from China live from China there's a lot of monkeys in India I'd have to be in China because I'd be I would have myself in the full

Wukong so okay that's good and I'd be doing the whole special with that sort of facial hair as well oh like Robbie Williams who is Robbie Williams bro America is asking the same question what do you mean who is that Robbie Williams was so I knew about him

from the Guinness Book of World Records scary book yeah It's very scary This lip guy Yeah, fuck that Or no, that's believe it or not Yeah, that's believe it or not But the Guinness book

Robbie Williams has broken So many records in the UK Of like, I think he sold like Like he was putting up Matt Rife numbers On like tour dates and stuff Is it stand up? Yeah, no, no, no, he's a singer

Oh Was a singer? Yeah, he was putting up He was like in a boy band In the UK They never had any crossover appeal in the U.S. He's never had any crossover appeal in the U.S.

This movie was supposed to be his vehicle into being like... What movie? What are you talking about? It's called Better Man. It's a movie where he plays a CGI monkey. Oh, okay. And it's the story of his life. As his personal life?

Yeah. As a monkey? Yeah. What, when, okay, he was in a boy band. Uh-huh. All right, let me guess. They're called the banana splits. No.

No, that was a different band. Okay. The Ben and Spillets were a band mostly of people in costumes. Oh, okay. So what's the band called in the movie? I forget what the band. It's like a real band. Oh, shit.

So this is his biopic. But he's a cartoon monkey. He's a CGI monkey, yeah. Excuse me. Jesus Christ, that's a long burp. But yeah, there's like, it's like, this is supposed to be his way to get Americans to know who he is. from this movie.

Yeah, but it's flopping so hard. Is it in theaters? Yeah, it's in theaters right now. What's it called? It's called Better Man. We've already said this. Better Man, hold on, sorry. I got to look this up.

Better Man. Yeah. And everyone keeps like playing the music and people keep listening to his songs and they're like, man, I can see why he has no crossover appeal. This stuff sounds like it's from a Disney movie. Whoa, this is not the kind of CGI

I expected this to be. No, no, it's like playing to the apes. Dude, it's got 88% on Rotten Tomatoes certified fresh. Really? Swear to God. 7.7 on IMDB. Those have got to be some British-ass critics. The true story of the meteoric rise,

dramatic fall, and remarkable resurgence of British pop superstar Robbie Williams. But no one here knows who he is. He's big in Australia. He's big in UK. Wait, so this CGI monkey... He does drugs and stuff.

He gets addicted to cope. This makes me think that is all animals or the rest of the people are humans. Everyone else is humans. That is actually fucking awesome. It's an amazing movie idea. Yeah. But it's wasted on this guy.

Who would you have done it with instead? Jeff Dunham. I would have done it. No. God. You know what it would have been better? Who's the music superstar? If it was a,

we could have solved a lot of stuff at the box office this year. Okay. If we had just combined the Salome Bob Dylan movie. Oh. But Bob Dylan is a monkey. Played by a monkey.

Played by a monkey. And his whole career. That would have been the kind of, not just him hanging out. That's also the kind of. He's kind of shit that his weird ass would sign off on. Yeah, he did, he already did a movie where he did my life is crazy or whatever. My life is crazy.

My life's crazy. I'm different people. Whatever does that movie called? I never remember. I'm fucking crazy. My life is fucking crazy. Well, and what's her name play Blanchette? Yeah, Kate Blanchette played him.

Apparently she bodies it. I've seen the footage. Yeah. I've seen the footage on. It is really good. Yeah. Mr. Skin. Yeah.

She fucking does a good-ass job as Bob Dylan. Let me tell you what, man. very accurate historically the director of that movie is just like insistent like so

Bob Dylan I mean Bob yeah Bob spent a lot of his time in a hot tub he was at the Playboy during this

during this period he was doing a lot of bubble baths and a lot of wet t-shirt contests and he was actually

and this is the craziest thing about Bob is he was a striper for a little bit a bit yeah he had a I mean, he had to make money.

At Magic City. He had to make money. Who would you catch? He's a starving artist. He had to do it. People were mad that Timothy Chalameh was Bob Dylan. I heard that he's good. Why?

Why would anybody care? Bob Dylan fans are fucking, they go crazy for him. Bob Dylan fans are, I mean, that is got to be one of the most underrated, terrible music fan bases, I think, in music history. Really? It's fine to like Bob Dylan. I like Bob Dylan, okay. But to be... Listening to, like, the stuff he put out, like, last year.

I think if you're at the point where you've read an article about the difference between the electric and the acoustic stuff. Yeah. And or you've ever had a conversation about that as that be... If you know that much about Bob Dylan, which isn't that much. But if you are having conversations about that kind of shit, that's not right. Yeah. You're too far into the Bob Dylan shit.

Dude, there's people that go fucking insane for him. I know, man. I had a professor in college, cool guy. Yeah. But he was a, I asked him what he was studying, and he said he was studying, he was like in a Ph.D. program. He's like, oh, I'm getting a Ph.D. in Bob Dylan. Jesus Christ. I was like, that's fucking crazy, man.

Yeah. He was like writing a fucking 500-page thesis thing about Bob Dylan. I know, I know a good amount about him, but I don't think I've ever really listened to his shit. I mean, I fucking love that weird out video. Yeah. Oh, dude. Where he's doing the reverse. Bob?

What is it called? Palindromes? The whole thing is a palindrome. Yeah, it's an amazing. Yeah. God damn it, Al, you Magnissomacin bastard. I mean, Al really, dude, I mean, I talked about this about a month ago when I went through every single Weird Al video. Yeah.

But he had some recent ones that were good. Yeah. No, he's never... Good, good. I think that... I say recent, you know, eight years ago. You think that there's people that fuck with Weird Al the same way that these like Bob Dylan guys do?

Definitely. can see, I would say that there's a, there's a clear parallel there of you have Dylan acoustic to electric, you have weird going from rock to rap, rock to rap, but also accordion and poca style stuff. That has disappeared from his albums. No, no, no, no, no, he always does a polka song. On Linwood, is there a polka song? Yeah, dude, Pocerama. Oh, my fucking bad. Yeah. See, I'm not that in a weird. I get that stuck in my head every other month. How does that one go? Like it's hot. But rock to rap is actually the right way. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, when he did white and nerdy.

White and nerdy was, like, it was a revelation. That's Al going electric. That was a second, that was a whole, the beginning of a whole second career. Yeah. For Weird. And YouTube. And YouTube. And YouTube because Al goes to YouTube.

And also, what's the, I mean, the one that he always gets credit for, but he didn't do, the Backstreet Boys are gay. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is a little bit too mean, it's too mean spirited for Al. Al's not a mean guy. No, weird's a great. Yeah, weird's great. Weird's really good. there is a

on his old website there is like a thing or it's like he's like yeah a lot of my stuff gets misappropriated on Limewire stuff gets misappropriated

to be my songs and I just want to clear the air here's the original artists please credit them that's how good of a guy he is and all I would say that Weird Al changed my life forever and set me down a road

of parody songs that and kind of a desire for parodies songs that has yet to see more impactful than Bob Dylan if we're going to be a hundred percent he's way more impactful weird out created current culture uh-huh of making parodies are huge parodies are bigger than they've ever been parodies that were so huge informative for us childhoodly absolutely childhoodly speaking childhoodly speaking song parodies i used

i got into when i was a kid there was a christian group that did parodies of music, but about Christianity. Yeah. They had, for instance, Bethlehem Rhapsody. Okay. Which was about, as you could probably imagine,

the birth of Jesus Christ. Yeah. They also had one that was called, instead of, Annie, are you okay? It was a smooth criminal. And instead of that, it was smooth pedophile.

No. No, it's not a pre, it's a normal Christian. Like Episcopalian shit. Oh, okay. They were. Not Catholic? Not Catholic.

I was never Catholic. Oh. They did a song called, smooth grandmamma and it was Granny, are you okay? Did you know that? You would go pray. Okay. And I saw them live at my church. That's sick. I watched them on YouTube and then

I found out that they were coming to my town. Yeah. And I was like, Mom, we have to go. She's like, good news. It's at church. Wow. And we went and it was fucking electric. Yeah. It was the best concert I've ever been to my life. Really? Swear to God. Swear to God. It was the best concert I've ever been to my entire fucking life.

And when they started doing smooth grandmamma bitches fucking taking the shirts off from Molly water squirting on the stage it was fucking insane it was insane

squirting on the church stage it was insane they were fucking doing crazy shit man it was amazing and we did communion in the middle of the concert

damn which is that's and it was a Dorito that's of Ozzy Osborne shit yeah it was a Dorito and a Mountain Dew you're a Piscopalian

I was everything yeah That sounds like it would be a good-ass meal. I went to like a meal. Oh, it does sound good. It sounds like a good style of like Episcopalian potatoes. Oh, that's pretty smart too. That sounds like a good-ass meal. Well, it's even got kind of a, like a, got the word scallion in it.

Yeah. Biscos, well, not really. Nabiscoe scallion. Now, that's fucking care. That's my religion. That sounds like a pretty good thing to believe in. Nabiscoe scallion. What was your first concert you ever went to in?

And please be something cool. It was, my parents. taking me to see you too. It was you too. Yeah. What was the first one that you chose to go to? The one that I chose to go to, it was a stacked ass lineup. Okay.

It was, I forget the name of first. Oh, is this a Boston calling? No, no, no, no. I forget who the name of the first band was, but it was the people doing Dan Deakin's merch. It was his merch people. Then it was this band called Prince Rama, and they were really cool. It was this like, I think they were sisters. And they did like psychedelic rock.

and then it was Wham City's Ben O'Brien doing a comedy thing. So you still, this was a funny, this was a funny concert that you went to.

Well, yeah, it was Dan Deacon. Yeah. I saw Dan Deacon for that was my friend, me and my friend Mike D. I hate that you just never had

a kind of an embarrassing era in terms of that. No, I was into Skah. I'm still into it. I like Scott. But you've always been cool. I've not always been.

You have. It really makes me furious to think about. What did I, okay, maybe when I was 13, I listened to, like, video game soundtracks. That's kind of embarrassing. Like what? It's going to be some cool fucking video. There's this game called Tower of Heaven. Dude, that sounds fucking awesome.

A New Grounds game is cool. That's not a video game soundtrack, man. That soundtrack was good. I was listening to the fucking Otomata Gucci fucking Scott Pilgrim game soundtrack when I was at that out. Yeah, but I shouldn't have been listening to that. I should have been listening to Rock and Roll. I listened to that, too. and then I got really, I guess I've never, yeah,

I've never had embarrassing music taste. That's what I'm saying. It makes me sick to my stomach. I like Chapel Rhone, but that's not even that embarrassing. Everybody, I was talking to camera about, I didn't realize that she is the biggest artist in the world now. My mom was watching the fucking carpool karaoke with her when I was home. Yeah.

I was like, 10 years ago, she would have been drawn and cornered. You would have fucking wanted her dead. You would have been watching Bill O'Reilly talk about how she's a slut. She's a slut in all of her songs Or she's got that Have you heard that song Well that's what she does in this song She goes

All of her songs That's on casual They start and you're like Okay Pretty cool And then they have a turn And it's about lesbian A dark turn

That I cannot relate to any longer Where the first part I'm saying Yeah I like fucking Dressing up Sure I like going places With my friends Yeah sure

And it's to a gay bar the gay pony club well whatever i'm into that wait what are you two doing what are you talking about no no chapel it's not right no i mean i'm trying to think there's definitely some shit that that's kind of whack that i was into i'm trying to think of what was i like the back street boys when i was a little kid that's dude the first the first two CDs i ever bought i mean this is this is pretty cherry i bought the insane like the last in sync album yeah and then I bought the Halo 2 soundtrack yeah that's cool no that's not cool yeah those are the only music I listened to until I was like 13 and then I got into like

pop punk in a really awful way yeah where I was listening to like newfound glory I fucked with them and set your goals I never did I never listen to that shit no I always hated that stuff a day to remember oh you know what the one okay i set my friends on fire that's the one that's bad i never listened to i really you remember did you ever listen to they were in smosh do you ever listen to like bad screamo music no you never listened to dr acula no oh man that was some bad i liked i liked i set my friends on fire because i thought they were funny oh i was real when i was it 11 about 303 you have a 303 shirt i was just about to say when i was 11 years old i thought that song rich man was the sickest song in the world that fucking 303 music used to get me hard

art as fuck oh dude straight up why was i getting boners to that shit i don't know cobra starship too i was into cobra star dude give me a boner cobra scars they're talking about girls going bad dude i have a i have a fucking boner i have a boner in the hot topic when i see the shirt and i think about the song i'm a boner i there's no blood in my head no it's all in the other head in the head of my penis because i'm a kid and my balls too somehow ball i don't think balls fill up with blood they fill up with some i did no you know are you familiar with ambiotic fluid. No, I'm not familiar with this. It can lighten me on this. It's the stuff that babies have and when you're born, it all goes, all the extra balls. That's why your balls feel like they have

stuff in them. Okay. I thought that that genuinely, till just now, I thought it was jizz in there. Well, I made that, I don't actually know what's in there. But it's a curious, it's a curious hypothesis. I thought that my two nuts were floating in jizz. I, that could be true. No. Pikachu in the little bouncy ball. Your jizz is in your mouth, if you freaky. No, what's the part? It's not in your prostate, is it?

I think it is in the prostate. Why is it supposed to have feeling? I don't know. Why would they put stuff in there? I think they put it in there to, I think God put that in there. Yeah, why did God put that in there? So that you don't, you don't, you don't, Because you'd have to cross a lot of poop to get to it.

Oh, okay. Hold on. How far are we in? 52 minutes. First mention of poop at 52. Well, no. Julio said poop right at the beginning. Well, yeah, I was doing my best to not talk about poop.

Oh, first mentioned by you. First mentioned by either of the first conversation. Poop. Okay. Again with the... Immediately derails in the disgusting potty talk. But, if God, my Catholic belief is that God does not fuck with play.

pleasure at all. Why is that? Because if you have fun, that's the devil. Right. And I said earlier, I'm addicted to fun, which I've strayed away from the Catholic Church in many ways, including the fun shit. Because you're like an unabashed fun lover. So I think in God's eyes, he hid the fun spot for men behind a lot of poop because it would make you feel nasty to get to it. I see. He's setting up a moat.

He's setting, yeah. I see. But you're also greatly... A moat of poop hiding your fun spot. You're greatly rewarded. You are. For beating the poop boss. With one big nut.

By having that happen. Oh, fucking God, man. I just looked at this... Ew. What? I just went to his website. Someone sent us the Jack and World thing. Oh, yeah.

We were talking about this. Wow, what a perfect segue, 52 minutes in. I mean, hey, you know, we were trying to do longer episodes. Yeah. Oh, did this camera not connect? Oh, we don't have my angle. Yeah. Thanks for telling us, really.

I appreciate that. Yeah, we could have fixed that earlier. Well, that's okay. It's been a pretty visually boring episode. Poop. Stop, man. You're done. Somebody sent us this.

Let me find who sent us this. Well, I can't, you know what, we'll save that because I can't find who sent it, and I didn't really look at the website. Yeah, we have to have Mommy look through it. Mommy needs to basically vet that. Mommy needs to look through Jack and World. Needs to vet that. Yeah. But we can talk about it just ourselves, you and me.

Mommy needs to vet that like tip of gore. What does mutual masturbation mean? I think that's when you're jacking in the same area. Because I just saw that phrase used a couple of times. So that's when you're jacking, like if we were. both jacking right now. Okay. That's mutual masturbation.

But you're not touching each other. So why aren't you touching each other? I think it's a race. To a nut. Yeah. What do you get when you nut? Like, why? What's the incentive?

But it doesn't matter when it happens. And you also get bragging rights that you nut first. Oh, okay. Speaking of penis race. Okay. Did I ever tell you about this game? I found this in my notes app. Apparently, I told my ex-girlfriend

about this game that I used to play. I hate... Whatever you're about to say, I've had many friends in my life tell me a story that starts like this, male friends, and it almost never ends right. No, this is good.

Okay, you're sure. Before you tell me... So this is the game I invented that I would play when I would drink. Yeah, I'm getting pretty worried. It's called. it's called peepie race okay

so how old are you invented pee pee race when I first started drinking so I was maybe 16 or 17 okay

somewhere around there he still went pee I was calling it pee because it was funny yeah it is funny pee so what you do

is when you're hammered you've got a strong piss like it's like oh this is you gotta unload this is six bud lights

coming out of me yeah yeah yeah what you do while you're peeing so you give yourself you count 3-2-1 while you're peeing flush the toilet Oh, I've played Pee-P race See if you can

I've played Pee Pee Rays My whole life I've played Pee Rays It's the best game ever That's the best game ever Yeah There's so many fun games You thought this was gonna be Disgusting and grossly sexual

I thought that you were gonna say That you and your friend used to pee on each other No no no Because that's usually how those conversations go Yeah no no This was a solo thing This is Pee Rase The best game

the world. Do you, uh, I mean, I think all the time about how when women use their thingies to go pee, they miss out on everything, they miss out on the coolest thing in the world. Everything fun that you can do. Oh yeah. Where you can't, I mean, we've talked about trying to get the, it's the apple, it's revenge for that apple. Uh-huh. When you're trying to make your hand to go through the stream of pee without getting wet. Uh-huh. That's awesome. This? This. The ring? The ring is the funniest thing ever and then the farther you get away from your penis the harder it becomes this is extra difficult and you know what's awesome you know what the only okay if you are if you have a vagina and you can't play these fun pee games right just do it with shit do it with shit

if you have no here's my solution to anyone who has a vagina that would like to play these these pee games that men play yeah these pee games that men play uh uh you You can do it with your Brita filter. Or your breast milk. You could do it with breast milk. You can do the ring game. You can do all that. You can do 360s with the breast milk.

You can do it with the Britta. Like, I was thinking about farther away. You know what I do? Every time I got the top loader Brita, you know, put it in the fridge, and then you click the thing down. I do this thing where I see how low I can put the cup. Oh, yeah, like a fancy bartender. Yeah, I've done that too. Oh, yeah.

I do the ring. Yep. I do the ring too. There's just something about putting water between your finger and not getting it wet. It's really fun. It is the most fun thing in the world. It's a thrill, I would say. Yeah.

Because also, if you're sitting there like, if you're peeing and you get pee on your hands, you're like, great, I have to fucking wash my hands. Yeah. Ew. But water is what you're going to wash your hands with. It's a good point. You don't have to wash your hands anymore. You don't have to wash your hands at all.

And breast milk, some people say is delectable. Some people say that breast milk is nature's hand sanitizer. It kind of is, I guess. Would you drink it? Would you drink breast milk if I was a baby? No, motherfucker. You, man. If you, if you one day are blessed with a beautiful baby.

Yeah. Will you... 600 pound baby bigger than me? No, that's impossible. Well, can I have my own... Can I at least... Okay, I don't care what the baby looks like. I care.

The weight. I know you do, but you can figure that out on your own time. Will you sample it one time? Will I sample the stuff that is supposed to feed my son, Buddha Doran? Yeah. Yes. You try it, right? Yeah.

You have to try it one time. And also, I bet it happens by accident, too. Yeah. Be sucking on the ditties. I don't drink that much milk. Yeah. So I would get caught immediately. I think I don't drink milk at all.

Okay, so you have framed this now in a way where your wife didn't know that you were doing this. Okay, so this is, well, you said people do it accidentally all the time. Yeah, because probably like they're, you know, getting, getting busy with their wife. I mean, I don't really know how it works, but I'm guessing if you touch it, you're asking, would I suck it straight from the source like a baby cow? No, no, I'm saying if you're, if you're, people sit, do it accidentally, that's a separate thing.

Yeah. But would you tell your wife like straight up? Let me take a sit. Let me just put it in a, in my shot glass that I got from it. Atlantic City. Yes, I would do this. And let me hit it one time. Let me drink it out of the medieval times, little tankard. Yeah, let me have the tankard. The little tankard. Because what, there's, I agree. I think that every, everybody has to do that. And if you have a

breastfeeding. Because then your son's better than you. Yeah, exactly. He's getting so many nutrients that you will not, your brain isn't developing. Yeah. Off this shit. Oh, yeah. Would you try baby formula? I have. Really? When I was a baby. I'm pulling this prank on me, man. Why am I not surprised you were formula fed? I think I was formula fed. Yeah, I'm not fucking surprised. Yeah. Probably that's why I got ADHD.

Ah, nah, trao. Yeah. That's probably, it's probably lead to me not being horrible. Yeah. Yeah. And your baby formula,

motherfucker. I definitely had lead in my baby formula. That's fine. Meanwhile, I was drinking yellow milk from my mom. From my mom's yellow milk. That milk stuff, I mean, it is weird.

It's strange. Yeah. That you have to use your milk. You have to use milk to feed a baby. I was thinking about, You know, me and the wife been playing this Walking Dead game, and no spoilers, but there is a baby. And the baby's mother is a zombie. Well, she's a zombie for about four seconds before she gets shot in the head by Kenny.

South Park? No, different Kenny. Walking Dead Kenny. Okay. But sorry if anybody hasn't played that. But I was saying, when that game come out, 2013? Yeah. You had time.

But if I, if you have a baby like this and the mom is a zombie and the baby for him, is completely gone away. How do you feed this baby? You can't give this baby candy. I think. What do you feed a baby? You feed it formula.

It's like it looks like when you take in a baby cat. But you can't get formula. What do you fucking do with this baby? I mean, you can feed it like maybe regular milk. Really? I think. But what if it turns into a cow?

It could turn into a cow. Or it has cow-like stuff. I think it would be more cat-like stuff from what I've... You know what? No, because I've never seen a cat drink milk in my life. I gave my dog some milk and he really liked it.

Yeah? Yeah, but it was really disgusted, like, flu everywhere. Oh, yeah. Well, he's going to do that. Have you ever seen how a dog... Yeah, they do the reverse tongue and they suck it up with it and make a bowl out of their tongue? Yeah.

I've tried it, and it doesn't work. It doesn't work on me. It doesn't work, yeah. I've tried it with kibble. I've tried it with all this other stuff. I don't have the right kind of tongue for that. No. I've never seen my cat drink a lot of his water either.

Do you feed your cat dry food or wet food? and dry. Why both? Just because. So it makes you feel less bad about the dry food you're feeding him? Well, there was a point where he wasn't eating his wet food, so I gave him, the start was like, maybe he wants dry food. And then I gave him dry food, and then he was eating that.

But now I have a bag of dry food and a bag of wet food. Wait, the wet food comes in a bag? It comes in cans. Oh, yeah. I put it in a bag. You empty it, like meal prep? Yeah, I put it in a bag, because it's just save space. That is.

What are you? I want like a whole month's worth of cans. What if you get really confused one night and you're making bulgogi and you pull that out instead of the ground beef? Buddy, it's all natural stuff. You'd be fine to eat that. It wouldn't affect me. Sometimes the cat food on the can looks good as hell.

That is true. I've noticed when I go to like the fancier grocery store in my neighborhood, there will be a dog section that is refrigerated dog food. Oh yeah, the kibble in the fridge? But it's not even kibble. They sell like a meatloaf. Oh, really? That you slice off slices and give to your dog.

And I had a bite and it tasted like beef stew. Really? And it was like $5 for like a pound of this shit. That's why there's like, I've talked about the gorilla biscuits before. Yeah. The guys who eat like that guy Butter Dog eats those. That's interesting. Yeah.

I can't. I guess it's in a cost effective way. But is that basically just what like fucking hule and soilant is? Yeah. Is for humanity? Yeah. It's that for humanity. I guess that's it

You ever try any of those on your own that journey? I had soiling before I would have soiling in college I was like oh I should be a little bit healthy Is it healthy? Is it healthy? You ever seen the video where the guys go to the Soylent factory and it's just a fucking room And they're just doing different white powders into Really? Yeah, it's horrible

Oh yeah I mean I'm guessing they've scaled up since then Yeah that's the funniest like like those the guy who made Soylent made it because he was like I was just so focused on science I couldn't eat I fucking hate nerds yeah and he's it's the nerdiest food

in the world it's just like oh I'm going to oh well why would I eat if I could just have a vitamin dense protein dense drink that works as a meal donuts have a pink icing on them because they have flavor yeah oh because Carnase I

Has Asada on it? You know what it is, dude? And don't get me started on this shit because they're going to clip me on a video and put Greek statues behind me. But these people hate fun stuff. They do. They hate fun.

Nerds hate fun. That's why they try to maximize productivity. They want to be slaves. Yeah. They want to be. Their whole life has been them being subservient to jocks. And then now, yeah, us.

The jocks. The two biggest jocks in the world. I mean, try me. Yeah. I'll fucking destroy it. If you see me on the street, throw a concrete football at me and see if I don't catch it with one single hand and sign it and throw it back without even looking. Yeah, like that, like what's that, the commercial where he gives the kid the jersey. Yeah.

I'm going to do that. And I'll give you the jersey. I'll catch the ball. I'll sign my shirt and give it to the next kid I see. We should start a new rule where if somebody ever sees us in public, they can, they, they, have like a legal right to throw a football at us no to steal our clothes i don't want that or maybe one shoe or something no you can't take a shoe or a t-shirt at least a t-shirt you okay it's open season on caleb if you want okay except for i can i can we do like a like a NBA emergency

draft thing where i get to protect two t-shirts okay and if you catch me in any of the any t-shirt that is not one of these two, I will sign it and I will give it to you. Which shirt? Well, I don't even have to sign it. If you just want the shirt, you can have it. I don't have to sign the shirt. Caleb's going to give the fans the shirts off his back. I'll protect my life world shirt. Yeah, you got

and I'll protect my Puerto Rico shirt. Okay. And those are the two shirts. If you do not see me, if you catch me slipping in any other shirt. There has to be like, it has to be like icing, like smear enough icing. Somebody has to do something like that to you. Okay. What would they do for my shirt? If they do this, then they get your shirt.

I don't know. Oh, here's what it is. If you can hide you, if you can ice me with your t-shirt. Okay. Then I have to give you mine and we trade. Okay. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Unless it's somewhere that you know I'm going to be like a show. Yeah. It doesn't work at a show. No, it doesn't work at a show. If you do, if you... That's a safe zone. But outside of the show, if we go to a bar after and you follow me. See, yeah, a bar.

That works. And you somehow, you say like, hey, man, we, uh, There's a, it's your birthday. Here's a gift. Uh-huh. And I'm stupid enough to open it, which I am, because I love gifts. Uh-huh. And I open it and I see your t-shirt for your, uh, and it has to be, and here's the other thing.

It can't be a shirt that you bought. Why is that? How are I going to prove that? Previously, you can't be a shirt that you bought that day. Oh, yeah. There has to be, you need to be. There has to be visible wear. You have to be zipped up, like your jacket is all the way zipped up, and I can't tell that you don't have a shirt on.

It has to be the shirt off your back. It has to be the shirt off your back. I'm fine with that. That's a fair rule. Shirt for shirt. That's the only way to do it. If you bought a new t-shirt and you're like trying to trick him, that doesn't work. That's not fair.

That's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. You can't trick me. Because you could just go up to him with any shirt. It has to prove to be the shirt off of his bag. I reserve the right to say it's not fair. Uh-huh.

Every once in a while. As his legal counsel. Is this legal counsel? He can say, dude, that's not fair. Oh, you know what it is? If this ever happens, which I probably will never happen. But if it ever does, I will call you and you make the call. You make the judgment.

I'll explain the whole situation. Okay. And you get to decide if it follows your rules. All right. Because I think that's fair. Now the rules are set in stone on video and audio. We have the rules. If you want, what do we can call this?

The shirting? It's shirting. It's when you shirt somebody. You can shirt Caleb. But you can also do it with other people. You don't have to do it with me. But if... Yeah, if you want to start this with your friend group, you can do that.

Shirting. Yeah, you can shirt your friends. Shirting me is on the table. Yeah. Shirting me is on the table. Me, my shirts are too valuable to me. Yes. Every shirt I own has a story.

I want to get rid of all of my clothes recently. Yeah, me too. I don't know what I did that. I got rid of some stuff. Getting to an age that a lot of people would call advance. Yeah. Where I am wanting to dress in grandpa style. No, you should do.

What? My friend Grant met this guy. I've definitely showed you his videos, but my friend Grant met this guy at a party one night. And he was like, hey man, people call me the black Willy Wonka. Whoa. And there's this guy, his like Instagram name is like legend already made. That's fucking nice.

He wears, like, full, like... Purple? Yeah, is he Willie out? Dude, he's wearing, like, full Gucci Willy Wonka gear. That is what I... Okay, so this is exactly... Can you pull up Black Wonka? This is exactly what I mean.

Yeah, this is what Caleb needs to start dressing there. I need some kind of thing to dress like. And I, honestly, you need to start dressing like this. This guy right here. Wait. Okay, this is not it. Oh, right there, right there. he's got the plaid um oh yeah the plaid top hat i see him okay so so this guy dresses like this when

he goes he goes out school and shit yeah yeah he goes to like parties and stuff and i get like grant got a picture with him you're zooming the wrong way it all the way out so that it's really small yeah this is what you should start dressing like i don't think i could pull that off that's what i mean yeah i am trying to move towards you know muji oh i walk into muji and i'm like There's nothing on any of the shirts. Yeah. They're way too expensive, so I'm not going to buy this. You're going elevated basics.

I don't want to be elevated basics. I want to be basics. The Moogie stuff is too expensive. So you just want to get the Walmart one pack of T-shirts. That's what it is. I should just be buying clothes at Walmart. Yeah. I should just be buying like the dickies that are somehow worse than normal dickies for some reason.

Is that what it is? Yeah. Why is it a separate dickies? If it says genuine and it has the black label, those are the bad ones. Why do they suck so bad? but they're like 15 bucks so I buy some of those I think maybe you know what I want to bring

I want to be faded gloried up oh dude the faded glory masimo and faded glory good fellow good fellow co Masimo Arizona gene company

Arizona gene company you're trying to get you're trying to get fitted up at pennies I want to go to JCPenies and I buy everything on a gift card I'm buying the gift card just so I can use it to JCPenney I want to get to the end and they say

you saved 150 thousand dollars today on your jc penny buy oh yeah and i buy the levies that are like made by levies but it's like some weird like it's like this fit something something about these feels off and if you think that i'm not be lining for the husky section oh dude you got another thing coming male adult 16 husky the adult husky uh-huh i think a 16 husky might be i think i might still fit in that a 16 husky yeah You know, everyone, you'd go to the J.C. Penny when you were a kid, when school was coming around, time to buy a new pair of pants, you would see some husky kids in the husky section, man. I'm not good. Dude, me, I was a husky boy. You weren't husky like they made them back at my JC. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, you're from the south. All you're eating is bubble gum.

We would eat bubble gum sandwiches. The husky section, the husky section, they would make. It's a Southern Delicacy bubblegum sandwich. The husky section was... Bubble gum sandwiches and sweet tea. I wouldn't put that. Have you ever had boiled peanuts? Yeah. That's almost a bubble gum.

Yeah. Eating bubble gum, effectively. Mm-hmm. Of just a strange thing that nobody would think to eat like that. Yeah. But they're good. And have you ever had a Coca-Cola with peanuts in it?

No, I got to have that one, though. That one looks good. Yeah. Johnny Knoxville recommended it. It's good, and that's eating bubble gum. Yeah. But you're talking about the 16 Husky boys. The Husky section was like,

I mean, I'm not kidding. It was probably 3,000 square feet with two rows because they need extra space between them. Yeah, there's a lot of fabric. And that shit was packed. Oh, yeah. Or it looked packed. Dude, I used to have these 16 Husky Carpenter jeans

that I wore every day. Looked so sick. Yeah, I love my huskies. I really, it's so funny that I've reverted back to wearing the same jeans as I wore as a fat child. How could you, if you were, Because I think the husky, the husky branding is dead, I think. Yeah.

Because it came across as a, as it's called. It was supposed to be, it was supposed to be like, uh, big and tall. Yeah, like calling like the kids like, oh, you're not, you're not fat. You're husky. Yeah. You're, you're a, you're a strong boy. What would you? Which husky have always associated with dogs.

If you were in charge of rebranding that, what would you, instead of husky, what would you call this? Chubby boy. Chubby boy jeans. Shubby boy jeans. But that would make kids. feel bad, I don't think that would work. Yeah, that wouldn't work.

It would need to be something that is so ever so slightly, oh, okay. Dad's guy. Dad's the dad's guy jeans. Your dad's little guy. You were the same jeans as dad. That's what it could be. That's what it was supposed to be, too.

That's a great idea because then the sizes could be like, it's a four son, but a 15 dad. You know how they'll have like the men and women's on like a unisex thing? Oh, yeah. it'll be son and dad yeah that's really good because then you guys can share jeans because what's more special than that and sharing jeans yeah yeah you'd have to have a pretty thin dad dude i fucking tried to my my wife's dad gave me a bunch of clothes yeah and and he's about five inches taller

than me oh yeah and these jeans i could not get on one leg like like because they were skinny they were skinny oh yeah yeah what's my dad bought these fucking i was at the we were at the bar the other night and I left to take a FaceTime call because my sister got the whole family on the phone just to make fun of my dad's T-Moo jeans. And I don't know what happened. Wait, I'm not recording. Is it recording on the, you're recording audio on your end, Julio? Did you not hit record or? It went from five to zero. Interesting. It's recording audio. Okay. But yeah, my sister called the whole FaceTime group chat. Just to, roast my father's Timu jeans.

And I showed you a picture of those, right? Yeah, they looked awesome. Dude, what has happened in the past couple of years where dad's pants have gotten skinnier? It's not right. And son's pants have gotten baggier. You know, daddier. It's the elimination.

Look at this. Yeah. This is what, these are father. These are fatherly jeans. The elimination and eradication systematically, I would say, of the carpenter gene. Yeah. You don't see that anymore from. my dad's perspective.

No, no, a dad is not wearing carpenter jeans anymore. That's an extinct thing. Yeah. My dad used to wear that to church. Yeah, that was like the only pants he had. My dad, my dad wore like Levi's 550s.

Now my dad is wearing Eddie Bauer corduroy shorts. Really? Why? When did that happen? Like 10 years ago. Yeah.

Yeah, it was 2014, 2014 was a shift in dads. It was a complete shift where the dad's style moved on. And you know what? You know what? And I don't, it's, I don't want to blame them specifically. It might have been the queer eyes.

I don't think, just personally, I don't think my dad knows what that is. And I think... I think your dad might follow JVN on Instagram. Actually, my dad loves reality TV. He's always talking to me about fucking reality TV shows he's watched. He's watched every season of Survivor. Your dad's got Anthony on speed dial.

My dad's watch every season of Survivor, every season of The Challenge, some fucking other Survivor shit. That's if you were. If you were just to come up with a reality TV show name. Yeah. Yeah, that's the first one you think of. You come up with one reality TV show name right now.

Uh, the challenge. He watched every season of The Amazing Race, and I tuned in one time, like, when your home team plays, and you watch them in the playoffs, they had Kev Jumba and his fucking dad on the Amazing Race. I remember that. And I was sitting there on the couch with my dad. I have no idea what's going on. My dad is locked in. What is that? What is the amazing race?

They make Kev Jumba and his dad, from what I've seen. They make Kev Jamba and his dad go across the world. Oh, okay. And pick up crap. Oh. It's a clue game. Okay. They'll say, like, I am a tower that is feeling quite Eiffle today.

What am I? And they're in Paris. And half of the people are like, what the fuck is this? And then. And then Kev Jamba. And they knew right away. Kev Jamba's genius ass, who he's now a monk or something, I hear. Really?

Somebody told me that. They became a monk. Wow. Monk Jumba. They ain't calling him Jamba anymore. I'd guarantee you that. I would keep the name Jumba. Is that his God-given name? I don't think Jumba is a name. I think it could be. I don't think Jumba is a name. I think Jamba might be his last name.

You really believe that? Yeah. Well, it could, I don't know. Now I'm second-guessing myself. I think his full... Can you pull this up? Kevin Jumbah. Kev Jumbah? We need to see. if this is his full legal name.

Yeah, born Kevin Wu. Jimba. Kevin Wu. Well, Wu could mean Jumba. And what? No, I couldn't. You could translate it. It could mean Jumba. No. His name is not, his name is Kevin Wu.

Well, where did Jumba come from? It's like Jumbo with an A. Okay. Like, damn, that shit Jumba. That is a minion. That's a minion. Okay, this was a Mommy's Gun. three, I have to leave.

Yeah, but... I also have to leave. I have to do Taco Tuesday. It was, you know, I would call this episode if I had to give it a... It's not going on the bracket. It's definitely not hitting the bracket. Yeah, no. There's an episode.

If you're not involved with the Discord at all, there is a bracket currently going on of the best episodes. This one's not going to make it. I'm going to be honest. This was more, I haven't seen you in a while. And it was nice to just... This was us catching up? Nice to just catch up with you. Mm-hmm.

And maybe the fans have caught up with us, too. Could be. But the third one's never the best one. This is Mommy's Gone 3. The third one's never that good. This is the, what's it called? Jack 3. What?

Jack and Daxter. Oh, yeah. People didn't like that one. Yeah. This is Jack and Daxter. This is Ratchet and Clank. Yeah. But, yeah, this is the bracket.

Holy God, we've done so many of these. Yeah, so this one, I mean, this is going out of the first round. I think Audrey made like a whole, there's a whole. there's a whole website that you can view the bracket on and you can click the episodes and decide. Yeah, I don't I have to abstain.

Yeah, I have to abstain from voting in this. I voted on one. You voted? I've been going through. How do you know which one is what? I've been going through and whatever one gets the least amount of votes, I put one in. And my votes you account for five. Because I'm a host. I agree. There is one that I voted on and I was the only one that voted.

A real stinker. Yeah. Okay. Would you vote for this episode that we just did? I would vote for this one because it was a stinker. Well, that's okay. We'll be back to normal next week. Yep. Goodbye. Bye-bye. I want to throw ass. Throw ass.

Do you ever throw ass on IG? No, we never threw ass on IG. Oh, I came up with a new way to throw ass. Let me see it. You want to see it? Yeah. So basically it's like this. This is how, if I were to twerk at the club.

Yeah. This is how I would twerk. Working with the headphones. You can twerk with headphones on. Yeah, you can twerk at the headphones on. Okay, get in frame. Get like next to Pat. Yeah.

Okay, so I'm like this, right? I'm jerking up that. Also, yeah, look at that, look at that arch. Damn. You see that? Imagine giving you that chat. I haven't even started twerking, and this is nice because I'm right at the mic.

Okay. I haven't started twerk yet. You kind of look like a heroin guy. Watch. Yeah. Oh my guys. It's actually bouncing. Look to your right. Look to your right, Pat. Why are you not looking at his ass?

I'm looking at the camera. I'm making sure that he's in the thing. No, you're like scared. You're like scared to look at his ass. I don't blame him. I'm afraid. I'm facing it head on. I'm facing it head on. It is bouncing up and down crazy. But isn't that a good stuff? Because everyone is always trying to do all types of shake it around and just jump up and down and simplify it. You should be named Bryce Spice.