Podcast About List - Ep. 327 -The St. Valentine's Day Matchacre

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

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Okay, first thing's first. First thing for the episode. Okay. Damn. Wow. Down on the table. Damn. Wow.

Wedding ring off. What if I did a magic trick right now where I picked up the same wedding ring and I put it on my finger. But basically today we're all fucking single boys. All right. It's Valentine's Day. All right, bro. It's Valentine's week. I thought that that would work.

I tried to put my key. ring over my finger to make it look like your wedding ring. My wedding ring does have my keys attached to it, so it did look pretty similar. Everyone's dressed all nice, but I look like, I look like shit. Dressed all night. I'm dressed like Scrooge. Bro, you got, you got, you got an Antonio Banderas type shirt on. Cameron's got a, hold on.

Antonio Banderas type shirt. I'm wearing a fucking thermal from Target. That's like he would wear. But that's more just that he's good looking than. Yeah, but he wears. There's that shirt. I don't know that I've ever seen Antonio Banderas wear that shirt. Yeah, I can't think of a time where he's wearing this shirt either.

I guess I've seen him mostly wear fur. Fur, a hat, and boots. In Spy Kids, he wears some fucking, he wears like a leather jacket. Yeah, he wears technological jackets and shoes that jump for him. Technological jackets. Yeah. Where did that go? Antonio Banderas announces new line of technological jackets.

I would buy, I would buy an Antonio. This is the nicest thing we have at the office. A monkey hair and head and ears Now I'm like Robbie Williams. Every time I see a clip of that movie, I can't believe it. I can't believe that people think that I'm supposed to care about this movie.

I see I get a trillion recommended tweets every day. And, you know, this is probably the annoying subset of Twitter that Twitter thinks I'm, I want to see. But people are going, how did y'all let this flop? And then it's a video of a monkey jumping around. And the song is like, do, do, do, do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, do, do, yeah.

I almost skipped the Super Bowl to go see a screening of Better Man at like 2 p.m. Also, let's come on. It should be called fucking Better Monkey. It should have been called Monkey Man in the movie. Did he have a song called Better Man? It should just be called Monkey. I don't know the first thing about him. I know a little bit of it.

about him now. Did you know about him before the monkey? I knew about him only because of the Guinness Book of World Records. What did he hold the record for? That is honestly,

Pat, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. He's in the Guinness book a lot. For what? The idea of you just like every year reading the Guinness Book

of World Records. No, it was when I was a kid. I think he was really in the 2008 one. You know the specific years of it too. Are you, like, sitting at the Subway Station, like, opening up the Guinness Book of World Records? It's like an 1800s farmer with an almanac.

It is. Dude, I want to keep track of all the records. It's a good way to keep up with what's going on. Speaking of, I've become obsessed with Eddie Trunk. Is that elephant? Is he a Guinness Book of World Record? No. So, like, you look at the Guinness Book of World Records the same way that, like,

a normal person looks at like a, it's just like a, like, you know, it's just a fun thing. It's not real, right? Yeah. So his obsession, this guy, Eddie Trunk, he was a, he's still a serious XM radio host, but he was also the host of that metal show on VH1, if you remember this. I don't remember that show. I don't know. I used to watch it as a kid, and me and my friend Ivan have been obsessed with Eddie Trunk's crusade

against the rock and roll hall of fame well it's his beef his beef is that they keep adding rap musicians that's probably most people's beef but it's like rock and roll fans nowadays that's like being hit the way that he's mad at uh the way that he is mad at the rock and roll hall of fame is like the same as like a person getting mad at something not being included in the guinness book yeah where it's just like who fucking gives a shit i guess it is the ultimate fucking trail for a guy who's really into to rock and roll in the 2020s that's that true the last bastion of everything you care about is the rock and roll hall of fame that's the only institution in the world that should be like yeah rock and roll we like rock and roll and they're throwing rappers in

there i'd be fucking pissed off why is there no why do the why does rappers not have their own hall of fame right that's what that see if i was that's what he's saying i would be like i'm going to start my own rap hall of fame and i'm I'm going to add only rock and rollers to it. And we'll see how they feel about that. The rap hall of evil. We'll see how the rappers feel when their rap hall of fame is filled with awesome rock and roll. He's sullied by the Rolling Stones.

Mm-hmm. It's on his Wikipedia page that he hates the, yeah, he has a whole section of criticism towards the rock and roll hall of fame. And it says, trunk is outspoken in his contempt for the rock and roll hall of fame, calling it the hall of shame. Holy fuck. So he thinks that rappers being on it is such a mark of negativity. Well, even the rockers who are on it are shamed.

The rockers, the rockers have lost any pride that comes with being in the Hall of Fame. So, due to the rap. He, uh, yeah, apparently he was on that metal show complaining that, uh, Dio, Ronnie James Dio was passed over in favor of Abba and Madonna. I will say that That seems to be a problem with The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is just music, right? Yeah, it should be the music hall of fame.

Yeah. Yeah, there's not much rock and roll about it. No, it really isn't. You don't got so much rock and roll these days either. No. What do we got? Benson Boone, the Dragons. The Imagine Dragons?

The Imagine the Dragons. I call them the Dragons. True fans just know them. True fans know they're real. True fans have already imagined them so much that they're real. Yeah, I'm close with them. I call them imagine. I don't need to call them ID.

I'm on a first name basis. You know who's keeping rock and roll alive? I forgot about him until the other day. Mr. Renner. Jeremy. Jeremy Renner. Rocking today. Changing the whole song.

That's okay. It's actually a better That would be a better A better song than what's that What's the original of this? Jeremy spoke in class today It's about shooting up this school We recently had a discussion on this

Did we? We did You couldn't believe your ears When you heard what this song is about Oh yes okay Because it was happening again I'm gonna be honest That's how shocking this song is

That song is a mind-blower Should never reach the I mean can we at least If you're gonna write a fucking song about that I call it Jeremy shot up school today. Jeremy spoke about us. You're purposely confusing people like him. Today.

I do not like subtext or allegory. It's too confusing. I know. I do not want to hear about that shit. I'm also listening to a confusing song that has guitar. She's my cherry pie. I thought she was food. I literally thought he was singing about fucking food.

yeah but no apparently this is about her butt balls pussy and ass yeah and how it's all red from being spanked so much that's like literally what the song is about is i spanked your pussy so much that it turned into a red cherry pie he used a rod a spanking rod also in a cherry pie it's it's it's red and it's got like little balls all in it yeah what's wrong what diseases this woman have she's got red balls syndrome stuck red balls up in there stuck red balls syndrome and it's gooey as well. Yeah, this is a medical science. This is a scientific medical term. Stuck Red Balls Syndrome and it's gooey. And it's gooey as well. It's gooey as well. And it's, you know, that's why the song was actually written by a medical doctor who was

very familiar with this syndrome. Doctor Love. People think that it's about, it's about a woman that he was in love with, but it's actually just about one of his patients that he's documenting her symptoms. It's so sad whenever you hear one of these rock songs about like a woman, because oftentimes they're not even in love with them. No, it's about doing them and screwing them. Because you hear two songs, you know, and you're like,

wait, this guy, these are kind of conflicting, but they're all supposed to be about his wife, right? And you find out that they're actually having promiscuous sex often with teenagers. Yeah. Yeah. And I just want to throw out there too before we move on from rock and roll. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I think that it is the Hall of Shame,

because I can't believe that it's 2025 and they have not yet inducted Perry Grip. It was one of the last guys keeping Rock and Roll alive. with positive theoretical themes. If we get Eddie Trunk on this, a whole world will change. The whole world is going to change. Eddie Trunk, please, hear our plea. Perry Grip.

Please, please, please. Perry Grip. Obviously, do you like waffles? Yep. I got no iPhone. It's raining tacos. It's raining tacos. Weiner dog on a mini-mug.

Oh, the monkey riding the pig? Of course. I don't remember. Did he do double rainbow? No, that was Shmoyo Ho. Also, another one. Why is Shmohioho has not been done out of tune? Yeah.

Shmo yoho's fucking rap. Shmo yoho is not. Shmo yoho is fucking sagging your pants rap. I hate gangster rap like Shmoho ho. Listen to the name. The news. Yeah. Shmo yo ho is like what an old person would say

when they're trying to imitate rap. Yes. what's his name Shmo yo Shmo yo-ho Yo-ho Yo-ho Yo-ho

Yo-ho Shmo yo-ho That's your dad Yeah I'm Yeah, rap like I'm hip-in and hopping Yeah

Yeah Dan that was a big chug Dude That looked like it hurt you The black coffee Yeah You went like this Black coffee

doesn't feel So tasty going down I don't know why I drink black coffee. You don't like black coffee? I like it sometimes, but it really is. I only like it because of a song about it. Black coffee is medicine. Yeah.

I drink black coffee every day because I don't fuck with the taste of milk and sugar. I do, but it doesn't make coffee taste any better. It makes it harder for me to drink it to have stuff in it. I do. I feel the same way. Whenever I drink a coffee that has milk and sugar, I literally think it's gross. It makes a bubble in my mouth. I'm so used to it now that I think it's normal.

You know what's nice, though? What, man? throwing the cold brew concentrate into a protein shake. Throwing the cold brew around the house. Throwing a cold brew. Just, that's fun. Yeah, swinging it around like holy water at the church. I accidentally left a cold brew in my fridge for like months and months and I took it out and it had a big bacterial worm.

That's a scobie, dude. You could have made more coffee with that. I had a full coffee scobie that I grew by accident. Can you do a scobie with any liquid? I think you can just go be with anything. If you're saying that about it. It has to be a, it's, I mean, it's a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast. Oh, oh, because of that, it has to be what?

You need, if you put yeast in coffee, if you're one of these freaks that puts yeast in coffee. I put yeast in my coffee pretty often. Then, yeah, I guess you could. A little nuch. Do you ever put, oh, don't even get me started on nuch. Can I get a nitro coal brew with the nuch? Love nuch.

Did you guys ever do the thing where you put butter in your coffee? No. No. It sounds fucking nasty. Yeah. That's some rogan stuff. Yeah, it is some roguish. I do. I think if you had got to put stuff when you're, I think it's one of those things.

I don't even think it's like a, I don't know, it definitely, it's, it's, you have to be able to drink your coffee without stuff in it because otherwise your, your soul won't match up. I agree. You know what I mean? If you can't, if you can't handle it plain, then you shouldn't be having it with stuff in it. The caffeine high becomes rotten because it knows that you're, you're trying to. Exactly. You're cheating. Yeah.

and I don't think that means you have to drink black coffee, but you have to come to terms with it. Yes, you have to reckon with the idea that black coffee is kind of the only version of it that you should be drinking. Yeah. Dennis Leary style. I fucking love the teachings of Dennis Leary. He used to teach it Emerson.

Did you know that? Really? Yeah. Not in the comedy program. I don't think it existed then. But I saw that. teaching in communications and marketing probably i saw him at uh on rate my professor when i was going through the school just yesterday because i was going to leave a a negative review for a

teacher you were going to leave a negative review on rate my professor yes why because he was really rude i'm i'm serious if you leave a negative review on rate my professor you're stupid it's not stupid yes that is why yes it's also that's like that's like The thing where it's like... That's helping people out. It's like reviewing a restaurant. Complain to the school. If there's an actual issue, you tell the school, I feel like.

No, it's not like an actual issue. It's just rude. I know for a fact, though, that the reason why you didn't do well in the class is because you're stupid. No. Yeah. No. Yeah. I did well in the class.

I just didn't like him. Rate my professor is like... Rate my professor is, I think, more of a thing that you do under the covers to gossip. Yeah. I don't think it has any merit in any sense. I think you read and you go, oh, my God. I wanted to contribute. Somebody a few years ago said this.

I wanted to contribute to the gossip, bro. I'm supporting the review, bro. I actually want to hear the exact. I want to hear the exact review. I never went through with it. I got a push it out at the last second. You pushed it out at the rate. My professor.

Yeah. Because I was imagining it getting back to him. Like him, like him whole printing it out. Yeah. Pinning it on the whiteboard. saying so I saw this last night everybody write this down we're going to match the handwriting even though it's typed out we're going to match the pros and it just says he does not let me text in class

he does not let me look at phone I want I want you I want to tweet and go on Twitter he let me not eat gum he let me not eat gum he's supposed to tell me to eat gum he tell me stop talk do you think one day that's actually the perfect way to get around it is to just type it in caveman yeah type it in caveman speak so then the professor's like

and then I don't remember having one every student reading that will be like oh the reason that this guy hates this professor is because he's stupid and can't wreck it Pat do you think there's a world in 15 years.

Where I go back to college? No. You've asked this before. Where you become a professor at college, Professor Emeritus. You couldn't pull that off. Maybe for a numnuts school. Okay.

What would you call a numb nut school? School for idiots. Okay. You go to a school for idiots. I go to, I would teach it. It's called Progresso School for Idiots. For profit university. It's a for private university.

university made by progressive soups okay i get what kind of what department would you be in we're going to beat the campbell can boys this year i swear to god yeah what department would i be in probably the music department okay no i'm thinking of this you must be misunderstanding i'm thinking of this is like you've succeeded in a in an area of uh industry yeah yeah And, like, James Franco, you come back and you teach in that area. Well, no, it's an idiot school, so you have to, they hire bad teachers. Okay. So I would be in the music school.

Yeah, I'd be teaching people how to play the guitar. So it's not possible for you to even to excel and become desired. You just can't be good at anything. No, because it's all, it's a for-private university, and it's tricking you into working. It's tricking you to work in the progressive. Backery and prep the food. Okay. Step out onto the beautiful campus.

It's actually such a nice university. Okay, but where is it, though? It's located in Boca Raton, Florida. Jesus Christ. Okay. What kind of amenities does this campus have? Golf cart for teachers. A golf cart for teachers?

That's how they get from class to class. That's how they get from class to class, Rodney Dangerfield style. How many people? That's an amenity for the teachers. Does it have like a guy? And there's a big can of Progresso, and it's a lot of. a child holding its hand. It's like a bronze statue.

That's beautiful. That is beautiful. Is there like a cafeteria? It says giving wings to children's dreams, but it doesn't make any sense because the mass shot. It means chicken wings. Yeah. He says,

chicken wing soup. Chicken wing soup, yeah. That was the motto of my... That was the motto of my elementary school. I don't know why that was the motto for my elementary school. Giving wings to children's dreams. Yeah.

I get it. Oh, because we were the hawks. the South School Hawks. Nice. Okay, so back, sorry, back to Progresso College, Progresso City College. Yeah. In Boca Raton, Florida.

How many people go here? 1,500. Okay, so it's a pretty small. Small school with a high acceptance rate. High acceptance rate. So here's my... So just nobody's applying? Yeah, nobody applies.

And if you do... I mean, it's a school for numnuts. Okay. And Nimrods and idiots. Numb Numerous. Can you name some of the famous alumni? Anyone we would have heard of? Not anyone yet, but I can tell you a famous teacher. There's no, so this is the first class.

So, nobody's, Dr. D. So you do have a doctorate. You're, so you went and you got a doctorate. Back to school. So between now and when you teach. It's an honorary doctorate. It's an honorary doctorate. From where?

From my alma mater that I dropped out of. Why would they give you? Community College. Okay, they have a post-grad program? No, I don't think so. They have a pretty good automotive program, though. Okay, you get an honorary doctorate in mechanic. In being a mechanic.

And then you go teach music, the Progressive City College. And you start every class. You go, you know, writing a song is a lot like tuning up a car. Tuning a guitar is a lot like tuning an engine. True, wow. You have to say that legally or else your doctorate does not be fired from the school you have to make you have to make a case every class for why you should be allowed to teach this class my my class will be called uh something like something one oh one uh and then

there i don't forget don't know the first part yet but the colon will be discussing the similarities between the guitar and the car nice uh how many uh how expensive is this what's a tuition oh it's 90 thousand a year 90 A thousand-year, 45-K a semester. Does that include on-campus housing or is there not? No. There's no on-campus housing. So you're having to live in a bungalow in Boca Raton, Florida,

and then take a golf cart to the progressive school. Yeah. And then you walk in and you are the teacher and you're telling us about... What's your class size? How many people are taking your class? 15. 15, okay. Very personal.

So now I understand the price point. It's just a quadratic style seminar class. Okay, what does that mean? It means I stand in the middle and everyone is in a circle around me. okay and they're asking questions yeah they're asking me so cherry red is a paint on a car and I say yes but also cherry red stratacaster so this is your big teaching strategy is yes but yeah people asking questions about cars and guitars again it's a numb nut school yeah so what is your policy what kind of policies do you have in class are people allowed to no smoking no smoking

I mean, that's just like... It's just something you have to say. That's a freebie, yeah. What about if somebody pulls out the... If someone pulls out their phone, it better have a picture of a guitar on it. What about, like, in a movie where somebody just has a tape recorder and sends that to class?

That's allowed. That's allowed. Why did nobody ever do that? I'm going to be switching the tape out for Deaf Leopard Pyromania. But they're going to learn a lot from that. That sounds like... It sounds like... Sounds like one of your lessons

Dan-na-na-na-na-na-na-ha. They, you know, class was fun today. I should go in. They played all of Durand-Duran Rio. Yeah, it's such a short class, too. Borsome sugar on me. He sounds just like the fucking song. That's crazy.

Damn, he's great. I love Dr. D. Dr. D. And by the way, you would become an extremely popular professor, Rate my professor, perfect five out of five. Yeah. And here comes the sexy co-eds. Nah, it's a male school.

Did I say their female, bitch? That's true, you didn't. Yeah, I did. If it's co-ed, that implies that there's women. Well, here comes the Eds, and the name's Ed. And he's walking up to you. He's got blonde hair, green eyes, and a six-pack washerboard style abs. and he's wearing board shorts.

Bilobong? Bilobong board shorts. Yeah, that's the sound my fucking boner is going to make one to see him. Bilobong? And he's got chakos off on. He's got chocos off. What is chakos? Chocos, you know those sandals?

Chocolates. No. And he's got chocolates that he's given to you in a big bag. I would fall in love immediately, man. Oh, I actually, speaking of chocolates, I actually have something for you guys. Oh. I just, I figured it's our Valentine's Day episode. Oh, you shouldn't have.

What do you have? No, I should have. I really should have. I mean, you guys deserve it. I made something for you. So I just figured, you know, Valentine's Day, chocolate. But it's also, you know, we're on the way to Valentine's Day. We're not quite there yet.

Some would call this the, the kind of the hump day leading up to. I guess so. It's Wednesday. Wait, imagine a Valentine's Day fell on a Wednesday. Not the day that is today, or not the day we're recording, but the day this comes out would be Valentine's Hump Day. So that's what. So anyway, I made you guys a chocolate hump.

Thank you. Is that, can you put it closer to the camera? Thanks, man. I love it. That's really nice. Yeah. I made it out of chocolate. You know, um.

you know what i would suggest um maybe for what what fucking i made you guys this hump out of chocolate to celebrate valentines someone call it the hump mare before valentine's day it looks less like a hump to me and more like a like a peak well it's just hard to i mean i don't know if you guys have ever worked with chocolate it before. It's a little hard to I was going to suggest maybe taking a lighter and melting the bottom so it would stick to the

plate. Right, well it's not supposed to stick to the plate. I'm just just holding it on the plate just now. It's to show to you guys, but I mean it's a hump so it belongs on the back. It wants to just lay on the ground. It does not want to be up. It's not supposed to be on a plate. It's supposed to be attached to someone's back. Because that's what

we found out is the definition of a hump. Humpback, whales hump. The hump of the se boo. some fish have humps on their nose as well yeah some ducks have humps on their beak i've yeah their bill but those are called bill i'm sorry this is a chocolate hump sorry i just made this for you guys i know you're not here so you can't taste it and it's not this is really sweet this is the first valentine's gift of the year for me maybe when you guys get back or when we're all together again maybe i could put this on one of you guys's back

and the other can i would love that i'm not opposed to that if you want to melt some chocolate on my back and it affixed the hump. So, yeah, I just made this. It would go well with my chocolate shirt. You made a chocolate shirt? No, that is not a chocolate. It's a chocolate brown shirt. Well, that's the hump.

I just wanted to show that to you guys. Well, thank you for showing that hump. I won't do anything with it. I'll keep it around a couple weeks. Yeah, just keep it. It is probably pretty sweet. It's milk chocolate. What did it used to be?

Um, chocolate. Any specific brand or anything? No, just chocolate. I don't know what brand. Can you do us a favor and just, um, I didn't see the brand. It seems like, it seems like, can you take a bite of it?

I don't want to take, it's not supposed to be bitten. Yeah, it's not supposed to be bitten. Well, what are you going to do with it? It's supposed to be a fixed to a back. I'm obviously going to fix it to somebody's back. This is not. But I feel like you could shave off a little bit off the top and just tell us how the hump tastes.

Everything here is very important. You don't want to review the hump. I don't want to review. No, first of all, it's for you guys. Can you do a favor and just review the hump? Just leave it when, when, when he comes back, just leave it out for, leave it out in a room temperature.

In the windowsill. Yeah. Well, room temperature is going to be pretty cold due to the cold weather. Just let the sun kind of beat down on it day after a day. You want this to melt. You don't want it. You don't like it. Just like it.

No, I don't want it to melt, but I do want it to soft. Why does it need to be soft? Because it needs to be put on my back. Yeah. It's going to be hard. It will get hard again. It's supposed to be hard. It'll harden it back up.

We'll harden it back up. when we put this on there. Oh, yeah. Harden that. I'm having a hard back. Hard ass back. Real shit. Oh, baby girl.

Baby girl, you making my back like a turtle. You're making my back hard. It took me a little while to make, so I'm glad you guys appreciate it. We do. It's a very sweet thing to do. Even though you're kind of asking me to do all this stuff with it that I'm not a big fan of. I just want to see more of it. I like the hump.

Here's my, okay, it keeps, what you need to do is just like do this with it on the plate. And I think. that'll maybe melt it. The friction will melt it a little bit, and then it'll be able to stand like a hump. Okay, I think I was wrong. I think I might have been wrong. Well, it's not a big deal either way. You don't think your hump's a big deal. Well, I don't think it's a big deal that it's falling over. But it's, when it's flat, it's no longer a hump. It's a bump. It's okay, though. It's not. Got it. How did you catch that? Oh, my God. You have amazing reflexes. You might be chocolate, man i'm not chocolate man you might be chocolate man with super chocolate reflexes but anyway the thing

that we were talking about yesterday is it doesn't it seem obvious that a hump should be on the head because it's head bump should be on the back it's a head hump yeah head an ump is anything rump rump rear um this is a chump a chocolate um a chocolate ump and ump is something like this a stump is a strange ump and ump exactly a stick ump A stomach Leans like this Over the plate A pirate leans over the plate

No an umpire Oh And there's umps on a plate You really got to get that thing To stand up It's becoming a bump It's becoming a bump It's becoming a pump

It's a plump It's on a plate But once it goes on to someone's back It'll be a hump Because hump is supposed to be a head bump Let's be real It's a chump slash plump Yeah

It's a chump future hump it may be one day maybe one day i'm just if we get around yes i'm only you may get my plate all dirty pat it's not dirty it's chocolate you told me to rub it all over i'm gonna have to wash this plate now you were gonna not wash it either what was it hit it hit anal gene i heard it it actually didn't that was the unmistakable sound of a nal gene the dung of a nalgine guys it is what he He destroyed something so badly in his house. Yeah. He made his Naljean spill.

There's chocolate everywhere now. You made a bad whoopsie on Valentine's Day. Guys, it is Valentine's Day soon. Tomorrow. Yeah. Co-in-off. Is it Valentine's Day when this comes out or no? No.

No. No. It's Valentine's Hump Day after. It's the hump mare before Valentine's. The Hump Mare before Valentine's. Some would say that the Valentine's regular season of love begins tomorrow. No? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. I would say that. I would say that.

But the problem is, guys, now that I'm single, as you two both are, I don't have a Valentine. No, I don't. I don't even have one. I don't even have one. Apparently, I have none. 30. 30 valentines. Guys, today we are doing, what was the name? of it again? The St. Valentine's Day, Machiker. The Machiker, guys. We are doing a fantasy draft-style draft of 90 different potential lovers

to create a 30-piece harem each. For Valentine's. For Valentine's. So that we have 30 different people who are our Valentine starting tomorrow. The monkey thing got itchy. the monkey hat yeah i didn't want

also i didn't want to look like a fool in front of my new valentine that is chocolate all over my phone in fact i should put on a shirt a dress shirt yeah wait we're taking a clothing break no not we're not taking a clothes no for me it's just like I lean down into this pile of clothes

the you know the travel pile of clothes yeah oh i know that clothes you don't have a dresser when you're traveling do you put your clothes into the dresser when you go to a hotel no no i've never done that that shit i don't why would you do that i don't know a single person i just pile also this is the suit jacket i would wear that x today oh yes oh i said i don't get it leave it in the damn suitcase it's going to go back in there anyway so um do we do we need to read through the who's on draft or i guess we'll just pick no yeah we don't need to tell anyone

we'll pick and this is how it's going to work we're going to have a lot lottery here at the beginning I'm trying to figure out is there like a draw we could flip the hump it's got three sides okay can you mark the three sides yeah I'll show you okay so

this is one side who wants this side me I will take that no I'll take the side of the hole okay this side with the hole right here this hole no the bottom hole this the bottom I will take the chocolate

bottom I'll take this side and then Caleb will take this side. Okay. All right. How should I flip it? Just take the plate like this and just up in the air. I'm going to back up a little bit. Yeah, yeah.

You might even want to stand. I'm wearing PJ pants. That's not so embarrassing. Is it the Bruins' pants? When I'm wearing a sweater on top, it's hell of embarrassing. Okay, that's fair. All right. Can you guys see it?

Yeah. Flip the hump. All right, here we go. And hump, flip. I pick the worst part. Wait. I feel like that was, I mean, I'd flips. This is, I think, who is this?

I don't remember what you said. Does this look like your side, Caleb? I can't see it. It all just looks like a, I had no idea what the difference was in the side. Okay, wait, now I can tell the difference. Okay, this is your side, Caleb, and this is my side, I think. I got first. Okay, so now.

Actually, I have no idea. It's okay. I pick the worst one. I'll take first. Now, now, we actually need you to flip it one more time to decide between you and Patrick. Okay. All right. Ready?

Or what, how is it going to land on Patrick's side? Would you just use it? Okay, now your side is Patrick's side. Yes. Yeah. Okay. That is, that's my side. It's really hard to tell.

Why did you not market or anything? Yeah, we should have marked it. What am I supposed to mark it with? A pen, I don't know. I don't know. I'm not going to write it with my pen on chocolate. It's going to ruin the pen. And the chocolate, I guess.

I would eat chocolate with pen on it. Okay, so the order is me and then who? I think me Okay Me, Cam, and Pat I'm sorry to say you're picking third But because you pick third You will have the first pick

As we go round by round Through the rest of the draft Okay And Julio will you show this draft and keep track of everything Okay Wow, this is honestly I'm fucking nervous

With the first pick In the St. Valentine's Matchaker Day draft Caleb Pitts is selecting Bar Home Marguisa Wow Lucky

Wow that is a real First pick Barhome Marguisa Here's my reasoning Barhome has come off of probably the most high profile media appearance that they have had

That's true I'm thinking that they're just hot And I just want to And I don't care if at some point maybe I can it'll be a good asset to trade if uh I feel like I might end up with an extra five people at the end of this because I could I think that pretty highly sought after pick I will yeah so I'm going to go with bar home all right I'm next yeah okay uh I will be and Julio I think if you if you cut and then do control shift V it'll it will pace without the formatting and you

don't have to worry about that or maybe not it don't matter that much um My first pick, I'm going for Mrs. Claws. Oh, gosh. That's a really good pick. My specific thing is that if Mrs. Claus is coming with me, she's leaving Mr. Clause. I'm getting half. And he gets to focus on the presence more. I'm getting half of that half.

Even a quarter of St. Nicholas's everything. That's everything. Yeah, that's true. Okay. I like that pick. That's a strong pick. That is a good pick. So...

For my pick, I'm going to go with something a little bit scary. I'm going to pick Satan. I'm going to pick Satan first. Okay. Interesting. My reasoning is Julio, what is going on here? Is that Satan has the power of hell, the kingdom of hell. And I like rock and roll. and that's you know they sing a lot about him they make him look cool

two very different it's so interesting how the one two and three were completely different i really i honestly thought we'd be fighting over bar home see bar home is on my i won't i i won't tip my hand quite just yet of what i'm going for here but i think you'll start to realize very soon okay got you all right pat so you actually get a double pick because you picked third in the lottery spots so uh go ahead give us the fourth pick in the draft okay um hmm this is there's so many things i could pick here you don't have already you don't have a draft plan this is going to be really rough you don't have a draft plan i don't really have a draft plan oh my god i have you

got you got to you don't have a dreamtrap okay you know what here here is my my pick, my second pick for this draft. Do you know, how's it in... Orville Redenbocker. Whoa, my God, wow. I pick Orville Redenbocker. He has all the knowledge and expertise of popcorning. He's a popcorn scientist.

He's a popcorn scientist. And also, I will be in the kingdom of hell. Mm-hmm. And I will be able to make unlimited popcorn. Because that shit's just going to be busting constantly. There's going to be popcorn. How about this? What if you get around hell

by dumping popcorn seeds behind you and you fly on like a... Silver Surfer style or Iceman. Yes, Iceman. Oh my God, I'm like Popcorn, man. Exactly. That's not a bad idea. Yeah.

All right, is it back to me? It's back to you. All right, guys. And from now and it'll be Pat, Cam, me. Next pick, Conan. Oh, wait. Conan O'Brien. Wow.

Yeah, Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien. And I'll tell you why. guys net worth 200 million dollars wow okay oh pretty good wait you i see what's going on here i'm a fucking gold digger i see what's going you were gonna you are a gold digger you went for all the richest people i want that fucking money okay about love okay well i'm gonna my next

pick is something that honestly i think is gonna fucking hurt you badly camera oh no this is going to sting and i only pick this to fuck you over at this point With my second pick, the overall sixth pick in the draft, I will be taking Nateri. Who's that? She does not have any money. Who's Nateri? Nateri from Avatar.

But you love Avatar. I do love Naitiri. I do love Avatar. I think she's a wonderful warrior woman who protects her children. Yes. But I think that she has literally $0. That's interesting. That's interesting because you do realize that she lives on top of a huge deposit of

unobtainium. She doesn't live on top of a huge deposit of it. Plus, she doesn't control the unobtainium. Well, why not? I think she should. I think that it should be returned to the native avatar people. She's not even on my pick list. You're kidding me. I'm throwing, listen, I'm throwing attraction by the wayside. I'm in it for the dollars. That's an interesting, because money will buy me love. With all, with 30 people working together, to give me all their money, I will be able to buy the most beautiful woman in the world. But what if the most beautiful woman is on the list? True.

Then that's so too bad. What if I already drafted her? What if I already drafted her and her name's Natiri slash Bar Homes-Margisa and watching them two kiss on my birthday? Natiri is, if I look, if I was going for love, Natieri number one. Natieri's sucking on Bar-Homes' beak. It ain't about love. You don't want to see that.

Her beak? What? Natiri sucking on. barhomes beak oh they're together so yeah you're i don't get what you're saying here because we're having a manajitua okay well at this point yeah all right next let's hear the next pick um so my next pick so i have satan and orville reddenbocker together mm-hmm this is this is a tough one because No, I pick Mystique. I can have anyone on the list.

You could have done a blue team. I'm just realizing a blue team would have been really strong. Yeah. That's a good pick. That's a good pick. I respect that. Mystique, I got everyone on the list now.

High fundamentals for a lover, I would say. Basically turns into anybody you want as well. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, you kind of, wow, I can't believe that's not number one, honestly. Mm-hmm. I don't think I even have her on my list. I think also her mystique's son with a, I think it's not Satan himself.

Maybe it is, Mystique's son with the devil, nightcrawler, my favorite X-Man. Wow, wow, true. True. All right, so it's my third pick. Yeah. This is going to be a controversial one. Okay. Okay.

But I had to look, I did some research and I had to follow the numbers. my third pick for the draft Adolf Hitler valued at $150 million adjusted for inflation Okay so it almost seems like You are not even Considering love to be a part of this

And if you are I shudder to imagine your thoughts That you have for Adolf Hitler So it's basically about money for me I'm money minded Because you can have love any day of the week money is harder to come by you got to marry adolf hitler if you want money but how do my problem would be what about the how do you seduce somebody like adolf hitler without kind of coming across as praising him you neg him okay i think he wouldn't react well to that knowing what we know about

him you think you think that but you haven't tried it is all i'll say it's a good point yeah um okay with my pick i'm going to go this is another big one off the board in my opinion maybe not for Cameron because of his concept, his concept team. But in terms of love, pure love, I am taking Velma Dinkley. Take her off your board, guys. Velma Dinkley is my wife, one of them.

Wow. That's a good pick. Yeah, that is a good pick. I'm realizing now that my concept is basically, I think, clearing the way for me in a lot of ways. Yeah, you're going for things that I don't even, I'm not sure I even would have. You didn't have Adolf Hitler on your board?

I really considered him at 21, and then I ended up going a different direction. All right. Pat? Wow, Pat really is just freewheeling it. I'm freewheeling it, but I'm making it up as I go. Uh-huh. This is, honestly, gives you a real danger element because you get, you really get to adapt to whatever me and Cameron do and try to fuck us over. Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to pick. the sorting hat oh fuck because think about this at any point maybe there's a time of turmoil right I can get a sword out of him

also I can sort everyone else on my team into houses that's great everyone else on my love team into houses all right my next pick and this one I think this one's a little more creative Okay.

And you know what? Actually, no, I think about it, this probably should have been number one. Wanda. No. Infinite money wish. Oh, yeah. Full infinite money wish. I don't know if that's in DeRules, though.

Can we pull up Doe Rules? No, my wishing for money? I think, let me look up DoRules. I'm going to have to make a real adjustment here. Let's see. Fairly odd parents. Can you wish for money? Farries may not create money.

Oh, well, you already locked her in. I've already locked her in. That sucks for me. But it seems like I blocked Caleb so I can be happy about that at least. Yeah. And you know what, Wanda, she's fine. So there's a little love on my team.

You think you blocked Caleb. You really do, but I had a backup just in case of this. I would hope you had a backup. We're only a pick like three. I have a backup for this one. I'd hope you have maybe 26 or 27 backups. I would say this backup fills a similar slot, almost the exact same slot.

I'm going to take Cosmo. This is one that I've just taken off my board after I learned about the rule against Wanda. You got to take Cosmo. This would have been my next pick. Now, what I was going for is sort of a Super Mario baseball, take Cosmo and Wanda because of the sexual chemistry with a husband and wife that are both doing you. Exactly. But now I guess I'm just going to have to settle for one or for Cosmo. Mm-hmm.

And I will have to pick another person. You're not even thinking about the between. You are really slowing this down. You've got to speed it up, man. We have so much to go. Okay. You're supposed to have prep for this. Oh, you know what, 29, I am picking Glenn Powell and Sidney Sweeney as one.

Okay. That's a double pick right there. God, fucking, so as one, who wrote that? That was me. Did you think of it as one being? I thought of the I was leaving the vagueness for whoever picked to draw the picture. Maybe it's like fully Glenn Powell, but then it has Sidney Swinney's hair. It could either just be both of them as one pick, or it could be some type of the substance-style mutation of them.

I think it's really open. It's Glenn Powell. It's Glenn Powell all the way down to the legs. Mm-hmm. And then it's-Sweeney's smooth legs. No, it's, I'm talking down to like the complete legs. It's, Glenn Powell with Sidney Sweetie. Honestly, that is a strong pick.

If that's what it is, that's a very strong pick. That's a good pick. Yeah, all right. My next pick, guys, I'm going to hit you with this. Joe Gleason. Wow. Estimated future net worth $160 million. That was on, he was on my...

I've done evaluation of Home Planet, and I believe that he will be making the big bucks very soon. He was going to be my final pick. A safe gold digger pick. That's really smart. You thought he was going to stay on the board all the way until the end? Yes, I did. That is disrespectful that you have just said that. All right. Disrespectful at all. I've actually moved him up and after I realized he probably isn't going to last too long. Number four, I'm taking Nala.

Damn. I'm Lion King. Nala and Nateri. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're starting to see a clear vision here. Yes. It's all starting to kind of crystallize. Foreign, non-human women. Yes. Yes Okay, I am going to be taking And I'm trying to think who

I'm trying to take somebody off of Cameron's board right now Okay And so you hear even less about love than me That's even I mean It's become about it's becoming competition now And I'm going to flip And I won't tell you what I'm flipping for But heads

Finding new ways to delay the draft I'll be for no reason without telling us anything about it. Okay, heads is Ben Franklin. Tails is Gianna Michaels. Okay. Please be Gianna Miles. I got heads.

Fuck. Which is heads? So I get Ben Franklin. Fuck. Ben Franklin. I have all the net worth in front of me and you're, you're, it's crazy what you thought that those were equivalent. I thought that they were.

I'm not going to say what the net worse are, but it's crazy that you thought they were equivalent. That's all. Let me look this up. You kind of miss. So Patrick is stealing. my concept because he couldn't think of a concept Amazing chemistry would have been

Joe Gleason and Ben Franklin. Blowing Ben Franklin out of the fucking water, El Presente, $150 million. Wow. Tide net worth with Hitler. This is Stool Presente or Donald Trump? Stool Presente. Stool Presente.

Okay. I'm going to take Lila. Okay. It is definitely, I'm seeing it. I'm seeing it go down in front of me And I am going to take Joe Gato Joe Gato, okay

That's a strong pick That's an interesting thing I would love to see Can you explain that a little bit? I would love to see his Hogwarts house He has a Hogwarts house Well I have the sorting hat So he's going to be able to sort

I thought he meant that he owned a house That was Hogwarts themed Did I believe Oh we did Joe Gatto Gotto reach up impractical jokers and bought a hoggwar style house. A hogsmead style.

That is really funny. Yeah, that would be dope. That is funny. Okay, my next pick is going to be. Oh, fuck. And this is where we start to get to the point where I'm, it's, the money is less that I can be a little more choosy. Yeah.

Emma Watson, 85 million. Wow. Emma, but you don't, I mean, Emma Watson's sorting hat would have been an amazing combination. too bad isn't it yeah i'm thinking purely about super mario baseball sexual chemistry okay so you're all about sex i'm all about nothing but sex and with that in mind i will be taking patrick at 16 years old for my seven thing okay can i explain my reasoning behind this yeah yeah my reasoning behind this one is that the fact that he's on the board puts him in grave danger, and I don't trust either of you with him, so I would like to take him. You don't trust me with myself? I'm taking him into sort of a conservatorship where I am going to take care of him, make sure he is a good life. Get ready to listen to the man that I know. As well, I'll say. That's fine. That's fine. I would love to have a father-son relationship with 16-year-old you. All right. Well, then I will take camping with dad.

You're kidding me. I had that at 10. that's that's worth almost nothing it is so fun it is fun though it is fun the crunchy leaves under the sleeping bag

the marshmallows well you can't do that with me at 16 now damn it because I've got it I will be taking for my next pick I'm taking Sabrina Carpenter

at 95 years old that's a strong pick because she is popular and rich now she's going to be rolling in it money wise I do want to throw oh no wait a minute

today she has changed her hair to brown. Her hair's going to change to gray when she's 95. Yeah, so he don't care. It's true. Yeah. I thought that maybe that would affect your decision at all, but no, it doesn't. Okay. Although maybe she's, I guess her net worth is now lower by the price of hair dye. For my eighth pick, I will be taking Aunt Jemima. Oh, that's a good, that's a good legacy pick. The thing is, I feel like she brings so much to the table.

Obviously, the body is crazy. She's on the table. She's syrup. Obviously, she brings a crazy legacy. She brings an insane amount of money, to be honest. And also, the body is rocking. It is true. It's full of syrup.

It's full of syrup. That shit is full of syrup. And for my. My 10th round draft pick, I'm going to take Finding Love Later in Life. Dude, you are taking all of my shit that I want. I think this is my new strategy is that none of it matters because I'm just taking stuff off of your boards because you guys have them picked out. So you're just going to just going to make us. So you just have no, basically no interest in love or specific people.

You're going to be real sad at the team. Satan. Yeah. If you dedicate your life to hate, you'll never find love. It's not hate. That's something that Adolf Hitler told me when we were in bed last night. Look at my team right now, dude. I have the best team.

You're the worst team. I disagree. All you have is money. You don't have a personality. Caleb is clearly the best team. I have a good team. Natiri, Nala, Patrick 16, Lila. He's got Velma.

Yeah. I mean, come on. All right. Next pick for me, Jennifer Garner. She has just gotten in a divorce with a very rich. actor. Okay. And I will be getting some of that.

I think I had her. She also could teach me a thing or two about the Hollywood biz and maybe I could become an actor, make my own money for once in my life. You guys, you could, with all the money, you could produce a sequel series to alias. I was going to say you could have your own alias.

I do have my own alias. You'll have a new one. The wonderful C. Cameron Hitler. I have an alias so that nobody knows my name is Cameron Hitler. With number nine, I'm going to take the chocolate hump. Fuck.

I'm going to take the chocolate hump. I mean, that was already yours. I'm going to take the chocolate hump because with all these fucking cartoons and little kids I got on my team, they're going to get hungry. The chocolate hump would just usually know, it was valued at roughly $12 million. Really? Yeah. So that is even better than I realized. I am going to take

Oscar nominee Damn, okay So is that the concept of an Oscar nominee Or that's a man named Oscar nominee That's the concept of getting Being an Oscar nominee There could be a man named Oscar nominee nominated for an Oscar

I looked this up I was thinking about taking this on my board I was like I bet that that's I bet that's worth some money The Oscar statue is worth $1 they have they make you sign an agreement that says this oscar statue is worth one dollar what isn't that crazy that's a real thing the actual worth of the oscar award is one dollar but the the worth that it has the uh the bragging rights that you get it's actually the best thing it's the best thing it is great all right my next pick doyle brunson oh that's a good one lots

of money and he can turn my fortune into an even fucking bigger fortune. God, that is, man, what a great pick. Thank you. I am going to take the amazing Jonathan. Oh, I was going to, I literally was going to take him next. May he rest

in peace. Although we ain't going to be rested in peace, but I'm doing with him. Come on, up top. He's going to do the, he's going to do the, what's the sheet trick where he's got the boner? Oh, yeah. And I'm going to be doing that. Hitting it like this

under the table. Believe it or not, He was worth $15 million. That's a lot of money. It's an insane amount of money for an amazing Jonathan to have. All right. Then if you took him, I'm going to take Sal Volcano. Damn. Wow.

So you are actually building. You're working on the gang. Now we got a little bit of a gato. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. You are, though. It's pretty obvious. No, I'm not.

You have two of them. That could be anything. All right. Next pick, Martin Scho. short. You could take 30 million dollars and I like guys

who make me laugh. Take him. I would think you would want him Caleb because he's good at dressing like a little kid. Yeah, so maybe I'm not communicating the point of my team very well.

I mean, I'm just looking at your team. For Cosmo, he's kind of like a little male boy. Cosmo is small. I see Velma who kind of looks like a teenage boy. No, no, no, no. Is Velma a teenager?

Kind of a... Velma is in college. I looked at up. Velma is in the series where Velma is in college. But I think she is a meddling kid. The only genuine child I have is Nala, who's four. Not Patrick 16?

No. Yeah, that's me at 16 years old. You're from New Hampshire. Like, Nala's four. Yes. What does that mean? I'm from New Hampshire. You, never mind.

I am an old soul, and I was back then. Number 11, I'm going to take, to go to Zig while you guys are making me seem as though I'm sagging, I will be taking Aunt Fanny. Who is Aunt Fanny? She's from robots. From robots. The robot with the large bottom. I just thought this was an aunt.

Y'all knew. You thought I had an aunt Fanny. Yeah. Oh, hell. No, but I will be taking Jeff Keely. Fuck. Wow, that's a strong thing. I love games.

You don't, though. I will, well. You're going to take another one. You can't take another one. No, no, I'm just saying I, my team, they will love games too. Okay. Okay, cool. For me, next, Michael Richards. He hasn't worked in a while, but he is rolling in it.

Seinfeld. He has a net worth of $30 million. Seinfeld. And I think him and Hitler might have some things they can agree on. Okay, I am taking, this is a big one off the board. I honestly can't believe it went this far. I'm taking cuisine with my 12th. Shit. I'm taking cuisine, the concept of cuisine. So that means none of our other teams can have. food.

No. And I have cuisine and the chocolate hump. I have all the food off the board. Yeah. That is crazy. Well, it depends on, I mean, if you, who you're willing to eat. True. Who are what you're willing to eat.

Slop is not on the board. Slop is not cuisine. It's slop. Actually, I'm seeing multiple foods that are still on the board. God damn it. Okay. But I have cuisine, though. Then to circumvent his taking of cuisine, I'm going to take egg.

Okay. So that was the other food I saw on the board. Have fun with it. I also have Orville Redenbocker, so there's some food there. Oh, yeah, you just have a popcorn musician. Oh, then I didn't need to take egg. Too late, you took egg. Yeah, I'm locked in on egg, though, because I could just breed it or pasteurize it.

You're going to breed an egg? You're going to breed an egg? I don't know. It's really gross, man. I don't know what the word I'm looking for here is. All right, my next pick is in the perfect sweet spot. Okay. Perfect.

I think everybody can understand this pick. Money and beauty. Cat Dennings. They're good. I thought you were saying money and beauty was one of the things. Luckily, I have on my list, Cat Dennis. So I think I'm fine. All right.

Well, you know what? Let's go Beautiful Woman for Beautiful Woman. I'm going to take G4, Olivia Munn. See, I almost put her on my list. Then I thought, wait a second, G4. Yeah. She probably wasn't making that much money back. No.

So I'll leave that one for you. That's back when she was getting fucking bullied for not knowing the lyrics to Fet's Vet. Yep. All right, Pat. All right. You got to run through this shit. Yeah.

I take DJ Qualls. Okay. Fine, buddy. That's just a random ass pick. Why Clef Jean? $10 million. That's a lot of money. That is a lot of money.

I'm going to go back-to-back, beautiful women. Let me have Mrs. Puff at 14. You are the ultimate bastard. Why? For this take. I guess I'm going to take pig. Pig? You're taking pig?

Yeah, I think I'm going to take pig. Is that a pig? You're taking pig. I'm taking pig because I love pork chops. You're going to eat your Valentine. I'm going to make pig for my Valentine's. I mean, that's a good meal. That's a breakfast.

Bacon and eggs. I don't know how to pronounce his name. Ha, ha, Clinton Dix. That's exactly how you pronounce it. Cool, I didn't know if it had a French deuce. No. Ha, ha, Clinton Dix, he is a sports player and will have a large salary. Oh, he's a football safety.

I'm unfamiliar with him. I had to look him up as well. I'm going to take Mrs. Puff into Preston Lacey. Oh, you get two puffs. Two puffs. I got Mr. and Mrs. Puff. Is Cameron missing one? Yeah, Julio took away my Wycliffe, Sean.

Dude, give him back Wycliffe. That's a huge, huge net worth that would be missing. You would find that in the books. So you took Preston Lacey. Yeah. I am going to take the hacker from Cyberchase. Damn.

Oh, that is a good one. That was, oh. Because think about it, I have Jeff Keely's games, The Hacker. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that is a good match. And camping with Dad.

All right. Next up for me. me, easy Ben Mendelssohn. Okay. Okay. I'm going to take, I feel like this is a little bit of a, you glossed over her. I'm going to go with sexy red for my 16th pick. One million. That can't be right. Sexy Red. Here's my feeling about sexy Red. Yes, she looks like a nerd, but I have a feeling that when she takes those glasses off, she might be beautiful. Yeah. All right. I am going to take...

Optimist, no, I'm going to take Mur. Damn. Mur, like, the... No, Murr from a practical Joker, go. He's three out of four. Oh, my God, you are closing in. Wait, we might have to stop. You know what?

Yeah, I'm taking this. This was my second, like, my second's the next pick, instead of my next pick, I'm switching it up. I'm taking Q. Oh, I'm blocking it. You can't have all the Jokers, man. Damn. And I can reveal now that all the, now the jokers are off the board, they all have the exact same

net worth, the $7 million. South definitely has more. I'm going off what's public. I can't be curing into the finances. I would have been able to talk about how we look similar. Now Q also now Q is going to be

so emotionally broken down that everyone else is together and separately he'll do anything I want. I can completely manipulate and control him. It's like taking someone away from their family. I'll be like you can't talk to the other jokers. You have to cut off all contact.

I'm going to go God damn I can't believe I'm saying this I think I'm going to go with an injured fish Really? This isn't interesting You're working on more food

I think I have to go injured fish Because I have the fish The fish will be fixed up by Mrs. Puff She knows fish biology Yeah She knows how to speak to them Yes exactly And I think I'm just going

for kind of special diversity here at this point. Interesting. All right, so I can't have all the jokers, but maybe I can get the best joker of them all. Ladies and gentlemen, my 19th pick is Mike Berbiglia. Wow.

Wow, Burbigs himself. Uh-huh. Joey bags of donuts. I am taking Joey Bagged a Donuts. I am taking Joey Bagged donuts. Wow, okay. Wee Man. Oh.

We Man is a good fit. His net worth is crazy, ain't it? 8 mil. I'm going to go from an injured fish right into a spring, which... I really thought a spring was going to be last on it. No, a spring, because imagine the back shots with a spring on it. Yep. Bouncing on it. Boing, boing, boing.

Yep. That sounds actually pretty good. I'm rocking with that pick. Well, I might as well, you know I'm getting so nervous because there's so few left. I know. It's a toss-up right now between Oh, you know what?

I am going to take Belatrix Lestrange. Fuck you, man. Dude, she would have gotten along so well with Hitler. She's so bad. But she is already familiar intimately with the sorting hat. Oh my God, you're right. Intimately. Intimately.

She's going to be if she isn't. All right, my next pick is Lisa Lampinelli. Good pick, really strong pick. The queen of mean. The queen of me. That's going to bring me into my 19th pick. I'm going to go for Tom Servo. That is a good pick.

He would get along with the spring so well. Honestly, I put Tom Servo at 19, thinking there's no way he's going to fall this far in the draft. Yeah, there's a lot of surprises here on who's lasting. Yeah. And who was snapped up. I will take Optimus Prime next. Damn. Another surprise.

Another huge surprise for me. In the draft pick. Now, I'm going to pick one here that was 30th on my list. And I thought originally would be number one. I'm surprised that maybe you guys didn't try to take this to block me, but maybe you also had this knowledge that I had didn't have before I looked it up. Mr. Crabs.

Oh. I would think he's Mr. Moneybags himself. I Google it. Canonical net worth 5 mil. Wow He's not all that He's cracked up to be I'm going to go

Plus he'd probably want to steal And take my money With my 20th pick I am selecting Coco the gorilla So that I almost picked Coco next Because I want somebody to talk to

Yeah I am going to take I am going to take It's coming down to the wire I know. These are, this is starting to get nice. This is getting tense. Starting to get very tense.

I can tell you there's one I really don't want. I am going to take water droplet. Okay, so I think that might be the final food off the board. Mm-hmm. Water droplet. I am taking water droplet because I was thinking about it. Pig, popcorn, egg. Mm-hmm.

These are all foods that are very high in cholesterol and salt. With water droplet. Water droplet, I will get some, you know, I can boil the egg, boil the pork. With one droplet. With one droplet. Gianna Michaels for me. Okay. Good choice.

I'm going to take the other half of home planet. I'm going to take Alex Forrest. Wow. I can't believe. I think Alex Forrest is really going to like my team as well. He's going to fit right in. Oh, dude, Alex Forrest and Nala? Yeah, exactly.

They have a lot to talk about. Oh, I, this is a, an easy pick for me. I'm taking Victor Garber. Fuck, I don't even know who that was, but he was my next pick. Victor Garber? You don't know Victor Garber? I can tell Caleb doesn't either because he's typing. He is in the movie Light Sleeper.

Oh, wait, I do know Victor Garber. He's from Alias. Yeah. I put him on there. All right. He's also, Keith, Keith David. Oh, that's a good one. I'm going to take controversial pick.

I'm taking Shoup to Whoop. Wow. That was my next pick. Really? Yeah. Wow. Shoup to whoop. So I'm going to take instead, Lillian Gish.

Fuck, that's my next pick. I have an amazing team of actors and actresses. I do too, man. And I also have. We can make Patrick versus Caleb the movie. And I have mystique, too, so I have every actor and actress. But you can't replicate talent. Look, maybe you got the actors.

I'm going to bring the funny, Paula Poundstone. Wow. Good choice. And I'm going to bring the intelligence. Give me Watson from Sherlock. I am going to bring the music. Mr. Tézonday. He is now on my list.

Okay. Wow. Okay, now I've completely exhausted my list, and everybody here is worth basically nothing. Uh-huh. So I can pick with it. whatever I want. And in that sense, I am going to go with... Oh, man.

Now I'm... See, I'm gonna go Spider-Man, not Peter Parker, because I think that he has a potential to make me a lot of money. Okay. Thank fucking God. I really thought you were gonna pick him. I'm taking Robert Zadar.

I literally came this close. I was so close to taking him. I am going to take Flat Stanley. No. Oh, bro. Fuck. Okay, I'm going, I have a lot of, I have a lot of money on the board here, and I need help managing it. Smee.

You can have Smee. Damn, dude. Smee going to run my, my empire from the inside. I will be taking Marnie Michaels, pure sexual object. Wow. Only motivation. I am taking for my next pick because I just realized

this would be an amazing collab song I am taking Petey Pablo That's good Petey Pablo, Tezonde See I'm realizing The thing about my list is that everybody is cohesive and goes together Sure

Everybody has their equal on the list I just realized the perfect pick That I can't believe I didn't see yet So I've got I'm worth a lot of money right Yeah yeah Fucking double it bro your male twin oh oh there goes my fucking list i literally have question marks next to everybody that i've left okay uh i'm gonna go with the hottest borrower so yeah small like just a sexy

ass borrower um i'm gonna take uh may maybe this will throw a wrench into cameron his stuff i'm gonna take skyler white you would think that she didn't get the money she didn't get the money went to walter junior wow Now I just got this, now I just got this freaking bitch on my team. Speaking of freaking bitches, I'm going with Eve. Damn. Because she got an apple. As much as I want to make this, as much as I want to make this the last pick in the entire thing, I'm going to take Jubio Carnitas.

Come on. Oh, saving it too. Me too. I'm going to take Juio Carnitas at 27. Not worthy of love, but there's not a lot of things. left over to pick um all right just to save him i'm taking patrick doran junior this is for your love this is for your sexual love harem okay that's your son uh he i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna be oh man you already picked him it's valentines man it ain't father's day

that's true i should have thought of that uh i will take mothra for sheer size oh i like that's good fuck man these are not good the leftover ones yeah give me uh these are some rough final picks you know what with that in mind give me stitch give me fucking stitch a lot of chemistry between stitch and natiri blueness yeah i'm gonna take Blue team. I'm going to take Deano Flintstone.

Thank God that you took the baby. I'm going at first. That's not the baby? That's the dinosaur. Oh, what's the baby's name? Bam Bam, bam, pebbles. Bam, bam, okay. So, I'm taking Harry from Harry and the Henderson's.

He's ugly as fuck, but he's Bigfoot and I could get hell of money for his bed body. Yeah, that's true. God damn it. Oh, shit. What the fuck? you do. There's one I'm surprised

you haven't picked yet, Caleb. I mean, I'm gonna... I wonder who, maybe it's Wilma Flintstone who I'm taking. That's a female cartoon. Yeah. You're taking Wilma? I am taking Wilma.

Okay. All right, I'm taking Travis the chimp. Dude. Now Patrick has to explain what this final one is. So it's the very last pick in the St. Valentine's Day match or draft, I am stuck with Angelo D'Angelo. Neither me or Caleb knew who he was.

This is a made-up person. This is a person that is anything in your imagination, honestly. Okay. You can imagine him right now. So that's actually a number one picture. Angelo D'Angelo, he's got curly blonde hair and glasses, and he's like maybe 6-1, 6-2. Okay.

And he's wearing like full, like, Gap and Old Navy. all of the Gap Old Navy Gap Old Navy Banana Republic he's got like all that shit One of each? Yeah one of each Okay And he's got Space Jam 11's on it because he actually

He actually does like rap I think overall I've got the best team I'm going to say Maybe it's just because I picked it I don't agree I would like Julio to give us a ranking He was definitely the judge Yeah I feel like you have to rank

I think, look, I think if we're going off love and appeal, I think Caleb got the best team. I can, I can admit that. I can admit that. Well, if Julio picks Caleb's team, that's obvious, that's obvious favoritism. Why? Because he's on the list. Okay. Well, now you're on the team.

You're not putting forth a good argument for yourself if you're accusing me of collusion before I ever say anything. Good point. That being said, Patrick is third. Wow. Because you have no cohesion. Not having a plan. What are you talking about? There is complete cohesion in this team.

The only cohesion you have us, you have close to rise and clicked on stuff to pick it. You didn't even get all four jokers, man. Yeah, because that was a block. Right. So you don't think, okay, blinding love later in life. Camping with Dad, the hacker from Cyberchase. I do think that it could be a toss-up between Cameron and Kellove, but I think Cameron's strategy

was better in the end so I think Cameron went to the love draft Okay And that just goes to show Love ain't worse shit anymore It's all about this

So I you're admitting that In with love as the goal I want Julio just said that Love does not matter That is horrible And you know what We need a new judge

Wait now that I fucking think about it guys This is actually the perfect commentary On Valentine's Because on Valentine's Day Love doesn't matter It's about spending that. It's about fucking sex. To get this.

To get a chocolate. It is complete commercialism. But you could, if you're interested in getting one of these, you could spend money. This is the second food invented by Cameron Fetter. That is true. Third actually. When will you complete the, okay. First food I invented was mixing oats with water and microwave it.

You didn't invent that. I did that first. No, you didn't. I did that. You invented flavor mix and the chocolate hump. And I'm excited to see where you go. Oats with water, we're not counting. Oats with water has been, it's a time tested. Microwaved. It's on the directions of the oatmeal. Yeah. Microwave it. You microwave it. I'm going to look at the package I bought and it's going to say microwave with water. Yes, you will be surprised. So you don't think that this list is cohesive at all. I have egg, pig, and water droplet. I think you have some small clusters of, I mean, you got the egg pig and water droplet. I think you have, I think you have, I think you have. I think you have. I think you have. I have. I think you have. I. I have. I think you have. I. I. I. I have. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I And I think you have little bits of cohesion. But there is cohesion everywhere.

As a whole, it's pretty random. You're like going, you're, you are doing three picks that are cohesive and then changing course. Yeah, yeah. You know why? I created a cluster fuck. This is. Is that what you're going to do with all them?

You also did pick your own son. Well, yeah, he's not going to fuck me. He's not going to fuck me. He's going to be off with fucking Lillian Gish. Yeah, with Lillian. He's going to tag team. Lillian Gish with Dina. know your son your son your little baby son look i didn't want him look i don't want your son you

don't want my son i don't want my son first of all i don't want my son second of all i don't want him uh getting felt up by aunt fanny aunt fanny would have taken care of him in a motherly way i want you ever did he should have we clearly this is we're not reaching an agreement here no i think i want and maybe this kind maybe maybe maybe we should have have done 10 people so we could have talked about this more and discovered it was a lot of people but it's okay there's always next year there's a lot of people we're doing double next year we're going to do a two hour episode yes all right um happy v happy v everybody subscribe to the patreon come see us in in seattle and portland yes please march 15th and 16th buy tickets at swag poop

dot com slash shows um and uh subscribe to Jubio TV wow that's really Valentine's pay it forward

welcome to the new format of the show the new setup the new setup and if you look it looks different we're trying we're just experimenting

we actually were asked by our sponsor today to switch things up they said that our typical format isn't so isn't aligned with their brand values yeah can you read the copy yeah so dude wipes 48 flushable wipes 99% water and plant dude grab one and wipe dude distributed by dude Products Incorporated. That's a pretty good start to the episodes. Why do we have so many of these? I don't fucking know. I've never touched a... I don't know. These showed up in here one day. These are probably like $700.

Yeah. I mean, look at the craftsmanship. Look at how... Look at the... Why are you buying a fucking wipe that has a full plastic? I like that they put it in black. That's how you know it's like. the dudes.

All these normal wipes are fucking pink. They're light blue. They look like they're for a fucking baby. Also, these are XL wipes. You have a big ass.

Yeah.