Podcast About List - Ep. 333 - Factual Truths of April

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

We will say the truth and nothing but the truth and that's a truth promise from us.Subscribe to us on YouTube youtube.com/@PodcastAboutListBuy tickets to our latest live show https://www.swagpoop.com/shows Get extra premium and Gun City RPG episodes at https://www.patreon.com/podcastaboutlistFollow us https://www.swagpoop.com/links

Okay, well, let's just start right off the bat with our plug. Okay. Our plug. Our plug. We have a show in two weeks, less than two weeks when this comes out. At the Bell House, we're going to have special guest Brace Belden of True and On. We'll be on the show. So come out and see that.

That's April 15th. That will be a lot of fun. And then we'll also be in Boston. Let's not care about Boston yet. We don't have to care about Boston yet. That's a bit in the future. But let's go and get some tickets. gets to our show in April.

Do you guys think Brace Beldon may investigate? I'm worried that it's all a sting. Him. He's going to, well, he's going to investigate all of us. He cleared me years ago. Do you guys realize that if you think he's investigating me, the whole thing of any conspiracy guy like Brace Beldon, which is all he does is conspiracies,

is conspiracies, which is networks and connections. So he's basically going to start putting out things. If I'm evil, he's going to start putting out things to say, Patrick has only one, has a one degree, one degree of separation from camera. Yeah, because he's connected to Patrick. Because I'm very connected to Patrick. You better hope that I'm not being investigated because you will be implicated strongly. I really hope you're not getting investigated.

Thank you. What if we investigate him? That's all I wanted to hear. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. We should investigate him alive. We should finally give him a taste of his own medicine. Yeah.

How does it feel to be investigated? Look at this. How does it feel to be looked into? Yeah. You, I mean, I don't even know how he does, how you do. How do you investigate? I think you just. find things out.

But I just don't know how to know how to do that. You just look up their name and see what it says. Let's see. Let's try it. Should we try it with Brace or maybe we'll do that on the show? Yeah, let's try it with him. Okay. Well, why don't we do it on the show?

Okay. Let's go on the show. We'll investigate it. Okay, guys, if you want to see Brace Bell to get investigated, live on air and put him in a real bad situation, he has to defend himself. He's doing this for no money. Then come to the Bell House show.

We will investigate. The Bell did a favor. House show. Brace Bellden House. That's why he has so much money. His parents invented it.

His parents invented the Bell House. We can investigate that. Put a bell in the house. Put a bell in the house and people come to... His parents were...

Settle 50 tickets every show. Mortimer and Muriel Belden. Bell House. Bell House. It was an Ellis Island thing. Well, house is like a den. Uh-huh. True.

But his family was named Bell House. Yeah. And then they came and they said we are named Bell House. to den and then the guy with the customs agent was foreign in this in a weird they were american somehow immigrating to america the customs agent was foreign he said beldin and they said okay why did he say that because he was foreign he just said that yeah he wasn't very smart also he actually wasn't made it up beldon bairdn like that general away type of action okay

No specific one. Sounding a little Southeast Asian to me. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Well, and I could change it then. I could go more like... I don't want to say it necessarily, but I was thinking... How do you do the other... Beldin?

What is that supposed to be? But what can we guys kind of circle back to why is he saying Beldon? Because he's... Because you know the Ellis Island thing where they are... The people coming in are confused. They're just like mispronounce it or something. This is the opposite. I understand that.

Can you run me through how exactly the confusion He's from a land, a weird country that doesn't exist anymore. Okay, I got it. Where Den, Den is... Den means house. Den means house. Okay.

So he said, Belden. And then they let him into the country. And then they were the Belden. They let him into the country? Yes. He came over on Ellis Island. He came over on Elvis, on Elvis Island.

He was also immigrating. He was immigrating. It was just another guy in line. They have a program where there's multiple tiers. of immigration where you can... It's babies having babies.

Yeah, you can go... The line goes faster if you let... If you let them just turn around and do it to each other. You're good.

You're good. Your name is this. Your name is this. Okay, you're this. Okay, back all the way to the end. Because they had so many people on this fucking island. I mean, it's not a big island either.

And originally it was called Elvis Island and it was another Ellis Island mistake. Yeah, where the one the island moves floated in. The island floated in after Pan Gia. And it came and they said, what's your name?

And the island said, Elvis Island. They said, you've got to wait a couple hundred years. Yeah. So you are Ellis Island. That's going to be awkward soon. Yeah. Yeah.

You're going to go out of this. I can go around the block. If I'm waiting at a game stop, I can go around the block. If I'm waiting at game stop, I can go around the block. There's no block or the island is the block. The island is. the entire block. I can't go to the second block is, I guess. It's not the, it's not the same

island that the statue of liberty is on. No, that's Liberty Island. They would see. They would see Liberty Island coming in. They would see Liberty Island. Yeah. And it would blow their mind. I wouldn't just see the island either. Yeah. No, they'd see the statue. Hello, beautiful. Lady Liberty. I remember immigration day in my middle school where we had to go throughout the building and pretend it was

Ellis Island. Why did you do it like that? Because I need to say it like this. what the fuck was that is the cup song doing this kind of shit you're only going oh yeah I love my cup was that a song before

pitch perfect no it was pitch perfect that was pitch perfect oh and then people just started doing it with cups yeah I didn't know what pitch perfect was so everyone just started doing it I assumed it was some new YouTube

I was like this shit is boring I was like why did somebody learn I thought it was boring crap like how can any how can everybody do this yeah I mean it's a it's a I couldn't do that No, I don't know how to do that. That's got to be one of the latest movies ever, pitch perfect. Now, why do you say that?

Because it's for fucking girls. Okay, so what about Faddy? You know what else came out? What about Adam DeVine? Collaborator of Danny McBride, Adam DeVine. You know what else came out at that time, though? What? I call them Adam Devoners.

Yeah. Prisoners. They should have had singing in prisoners. Should I had Dooley, but Molly Cyrus. That would have been cool. Where's our kids? The Hugh Jackman? Yeah.

I didn't see prison. Where's our damn kids? You were watching prisoners when. Pitch Perfect came out? Leave Mr. Dano alone. You did not go see the movie when it came out. You did? I didn't see it when it came out.

My mom knew a guy in... So you didn't see it when it came out? Well, my mom knew a guy that would let you into an R-rated movie? My mom knew a guy who led me into an R-rated movie. No, she knew a guy in... Is that 2013? I don't know. He was that he worked at the flea market in Lawrence.

Mm-hmm. And he had just a bunch of bootleg DVDs out the back of his car and she would buy like screener-grade the like DVD rips out of this guy like she would buy like a whole it was like a stack of like DVDs like this big and I saw prisoners because it was just on a white disc yeah it said prisoners on it

you watch that instead of pitch perfect yeah and I thought that was cooler all day in my crib yeah I never have had a single experience with pitch perfect yeah never seen it I don't know anything about I knew it because of I knew it because of vine there was a lot of vines that would just post clips of it

or make jokes about fat amy it felt like a massive betrayal on adam de vines part yep he's gone normie straight up it was like my this guy who i always had suspicions of him being the normie one of the crew has become become turbo normie turbo normie yeah yeah meanwhile i'm over here watching mr dano get his shit rocked by wolverine and i'm like yeah i'm safe over here from normie isn't i don't really need all the normie's over i don't need i don't need the pitch I think that Prisoners is called prisoners

Prisoners is very normal A underground guy I think it's normal to torture an evil guy Well he wasn't evil Spoiler Yeah but he didn't know that Spoiler

So you would You would try to find out If the guy was evil Before you torture I would ask him But he was basically Nonverbal Yeah

Could you trust somebody Who was evil If they said That they weren't evil When you asked them I'd have my suspicions Yes I'd be like

You would ask somebody But you say, okay, are you evil? If you're evil, I'm going to torture you, are you evil? Yeah. And they say, no, you'd let them go. I'd go. You do it the opposite. You say, if you're good, I'm going to torture you.

Are you evil? Because a good person still won't stand to be called. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, there we go. This is the new trolley problem. This is what he should have done in prisoners. This is the new trolley problem.

I'm sick of this trolley. I'm fucking sick of it, too. I'm sick. You guys are still saying a lot of trolley problem stuff? Yeah. I just got to get off. I see one every day. I got XKCD is my home page.

Yeah. Yeah. It's always some fucking trolley problem. Most problems are the trolley problem. That's the thing. Like what? I'm name. Okay.

My problem is that my neighbor won't stop putting dog poop, letting dog poop happen on my yard. How is that a trolley problem? That's a trolley problem for sure. I'll explain it. It's an issue that has choices involved. Yeah, there's two choices. What choices do I have?

You could let it burn, controlled burn. Because it's on, it's on a, it's on concrete. I'm going to burn. Why is it burn? Let it burn. You could let it burn and your house will smell like poop or you could stomp it out and it's not burning. It's not on fire.

They're not doing shit in the bag on my, no. That's what I thought you were saying. No, the dog is pooping on my lawn. On your lawn. On my lawn. And he won't pick it up. That's my problem. That's a trolley.

That is a trolley problem. You can either let it burn. Don't say let it burn. on the ground. You could let it burn into the ground. It could burn from the sun. It could burn from the sun.

It's not a hot day. It might be. It will eventually be a hot day. Global warming. But then the poop will be gone. Yeah. Not necessarily. You could let it.

You could let it. You could let it sit there but one person could step in poop or you could pick it up and no one will step in poop but your neighbor will be, you will falter to your neighbor.

that's the trolley problem there what is the trolley is I will falter from my name you will falter to your neighbors or you will step in poop or you will step in poop it's either it's either you will falter to your neighbor you will be disrespected forever or you can leave it there

which one is faltering to my neighbor though you picking it up That's you bending the knee and saying, oh, yeah, I'm your janitor. Well, what about talking to the neighbor? Yeah, what about that? That's not involved in this problem because you guys are already beefing because of the poop. And he's doing this as an act of defiance. Wait, but it started as us beefing about the poop and he just continued doing that.

His name is Justin Trolley. So that does make it a Trolley. His name is Justin Trolley and it's his problem is that he leaves his poop every. That does dogs poop. It's hard to argue that's not a trolley. But now you have a hack where any problem we say, you can say, and his name was Derek trolley. Well, give me another problem.

Okay, there's nobody. Okay. And there's no people and nothing has a name. Okay. And it's a big problem. And it's a big problem. It's a big problem where a planet is going to crash into another planet. Okay.

Yeah. But these are the only two planets. Yeah. There's nothing else. Nothing else in the whole universe. Just two empty planets. These planets don't have names and they aren't even things. No, because this is a logical fallacy.

What's the fallacy? You're creating a logical fallacy. I am? Because every planet has a name. Not these. That's not a fallacy. That's not one of the logical fallacy. You're doing the name must have a name fallacy.

I know that one. No. It's also ties into the sunk cost fallacy. And why? Just if you're a philosopher, you know this stuff. Not a philosopher. Me neither. So then we don't have to worry about it.

a philosophy. I'm not a philosopher. Who are your philosophy? Who are your philosophy? Yeah, who are you guys? Guys, there's too many to mention right now. Too many to even mention one. Too many to even mention one. Mr. Trolley. Justin Trolley.

Justin Trolley. The inventor of the trolley problem. Oh, wait, your neighbor was the inventor of the trolley problem? Well, then that makes it fucking really hard. Yeah, that's crazy. Because this guy's probably smarter than me. And he's letting his dog poop all over your life? Yeah. Well, he only has to be a little more conscientious.

He has to create ethics and morality. I would think that he'd be a utilitarian. With the last name like trolley, you're going to have to invent problems. Why? Why? With the last name like trolley? It's your famous thing. You're famous for your problems.

There's enough problems in the world. Let's get back to you telling me what philosophers you really. Yeah. Who are your influences? Okay. So Justin Trale, obviously the first one. The second one is Dr. Doctor, whose son is sick. doctor whose son is hit by car

that one doctor who son is hit by a actually that's not a philoh that's a female doctor yeah that's a female doctor that's a female doctor but that's also that's also something a riddleologist would be involved with are you also a riddle ologist

I'm dabbling riddle ology that's cool what you're your guys in riddle ologies well obviously doctor doctor doctor female female doctor female doctor yeah female doctor from the car crash wetter as it drive guys. Yeah. Oh, an egg. Yeah. An egg. An egg. Yeah. Superman. Oh, a guy. A guy who grows older. Yes, that's good. Well, obviously, the riddler. Oh, time. When you were a father time. When you were a kid, did you guys ever have a riddle where you were like, that is my, I'm going to tell people this riddle. This will be my real. I always would do the sphinx riddle, but everyone knows that one. What's that one? That's the one where it's like what walks on four legs in the morning.

two in the afternoon and three in the evening. You don't know this riddle? This is like the classic riddle. I think it's a sphinx. No, this is the guy who gets older. He crawls on four as a baby, grows up. He walks on two, a cane, old man,

three. Why is it? He lives in one day? He lives for one day. That one wasn't invented by humanity. It was invented long before by aliens. That was the sphinx. Oh, I don't know that.

Is that like a riddle that you do to open up the secret compartment in the Sphinx? I don't know. All I know is that's not because we just gave it away. I had this. Someone's going to go into that thing now. I had this. I had the one that was, it was, it's, there's a man in the desert who's standing next to a rock and he's

dying who is the man. And the answer was Superman and the rock is cryptonite. Worst riddle ever. It's a worst riddle. The worst riddle. The terrible riddle. Terrible style of riddle. Yeah, I don't like, I don't like riddles.

I think they're all. A riddle is a trick. No, they're good. They're good riddles. Well, but you probably got, I've gotten them right before. I don't think I've ever gotten a riddle right. I like riddles. What's another riddle you like?

Oh, I don't, the other one that I used to like a lot that I don't remember the question for it. But it's like, the answer. Maybe we can work now. I remember the, yeah, this is a good, actually good. That's a good idea. I know the answer and I know like one detail about it. Okay.

Like the general idea of it. So the answer is an egg. What came first? And then it's like, it's like something about. like, oh, the yoke is like the treasure and it's inside of like walls. Okay. What is a treasure?

What is a circle with treasure inside and walls? A golden treasure. A golden treasure with a white barrier blocking the treasure. Smooth white walls. What is treasure to a breakfast pirate? That's a egg. An egg.

That's a better riddle I think than whatever. that's a little kid riddle what's treasure to a breakfast pirate yeah what's a breakfast wait what's a breakfast well they got the candy pirate from kids next door yeah they do have that so there's got to be other food pirates at that point in the code name kids next door universe yeah you have a candy pirate you're the implication there is that there's more food pirates do you guys remember the finale of code name kids next door yeah where they have all of that they have real footage of old people who were talking about how they were in they were in code names kids next door and it's like the old version of number one number two number three number four number

five and number number one and number two are married or something number one and two weren't married or number four and number two number four and number three I think somebody got married yeah some of the numbas got married that's right it's number you have to say that Number one. Number. Delightful children from down the lane. Still scary. You know what?

Speaking, when we were talking about riddles, when I was a kid, I mean, I just believed. Tom Marbelloo riddle. That's a riddle. That's a good riddle. Yeah. I am. That's more, that's one of the worst riddles also. I am Lord.

I don't know if that's a riddle of it. It's more of a jumble. It's a jumble. Yeah. That is a full word search. Yeah. I am. How many?

I am. I am. If you are thinking, what's my evil name going to be? And then you realize that you have IAM in your name. But he doesn't have IAM. He just erased or he added a line to the T. And Tom. Where's the I and Tom Marvel.

Riddle. Oh, I'm fucking. It's okay. You thought that he just made it. He didn't. That was the thing that pissed me off. That was the thing that pissed me off when I was a kid. Yeah.

I was like, well, he's adding letters to it. Wait, you were just dumb? I think I might be dyslexic. I don't know. Tom Marvelo. But yeah, you find out, you find I-A-M and then you're like, Yeah, there it is. Whatever is after that I can be.

I'll just be that. Okay, I guess I'm, I got it. I mean, Voldemore sounds evil as fuck. That's perfect. Okay, I guess I have a, well, maybe he didn't even know he's going to be evil until he came up with the name. It's like, what's my name? Maybe it's, maybe it's goodness gracious.

But then he started it and he was like, oh, it's fucking Voldemore. I guess I'm a guy. Yeah, I'll have to be a Nazi. Time to go get my nose. Let me turn it to a snake man. Yeah. That's from him when you walked into a wall. Yeah.

He said, oh, Tom Marbleau-Riddle. That's cool. Oh, my God. What? Does he have no nose? He was trying to become a snake. How bad is it? Then he went to the worst doctor in the school, and they were like, oh, you just got to take it off.

He went to the worst doctor in the school. When I was a kid, I thought that every episode of House was the, I can't operate on this boy. He is my son, Riddle. Like, I thought that's, that would have been a better show. I thought that every single episode of House was supposed to be him solving basically a riddle. Pretty much is. It is a little bit about it being a riddle. Yeah.

But it's just a riddle that you have no background information or possible way to solve. He's Sherlock Hospital. I get it now. Yeah. Sherlock House. That's why it's out H. And this is name, no, it's Gregory House, right? Sure, get it, Holmes, House, Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, Watson, Foreman, Foreman, from that we're in Sherlock Holmes.

Dr. Cameron. Cameron. Me watching the show. Cutty, Cutty, Jack the Ripper. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Cutty, Cuddy, Cuddy, Cuddy, Cuddy, Cuddy the surgeon? No, she was the leader

Or yeah, the boss Would be one way to put it, I suppose. Leader is more accurate though But she's, her title is well Dr. Chase Chase? Chase and Cuddy? Chase and he's chasing the diagnosis. Yeah, and then he cuttied them open.

Wow. Chase into the house. Cameron. Chase Cameron into the house. Cutting. Cotting. Don't do that, but that's kind of the story that's being told.

Take four men and chase Cameron into the house. And Cotting. And Cotty Wilson. Will his son, Cuttie Will's son? Cutty Will's son with Cameron. And you're just Cameron in the house. The first season's doctors are four men, Chase Cameron.

Four men. Four men. Four men, what's the diagnosis? All saying it at the different time. Yeah. Four men, Chase Cameron. Didn't Cal Penn one of the four men? Not until a later.

Yeah, he's later, but he's honestly a top-tier house supporting cast. I'm going to get into this show. What's his name? You really don't need to get into this show. You do need to get into this show. It looks awesome on YouTube shorts. It's a YouTube shorts show. No, no, no, no.

Don't listen to Caleb. It looks completely awesome on YouTube shorts. There are TV shows that exist that are not meant to be enjoyed all the way through. Yeah. Yeah. And it is one of them. You know, it's a good. show that I just it's better on

YouTube shorts than it will be it's a background of Thanksgiving type of show I discovered a new show that was destroying me what was it as a YouTube shorts show don't watch a show that destroys you it was destroying me mentally because of how amazing it was

it was the show called mystery diners I'd never seen it before is it like it's like it's like it's like bar rescue show yeah it's pretty much like bar rescue but it's like no one who's involved can act good in like a like reality show situation and there was this one episode that I was watching with fucking

subway surfers underneath it where somebody keeps stealing hundreds of hamburgers from a warehouse and selling them to the competitor what they're watching this guy they're getting deliveries from their like they it's this restaurant that's called like latin flavor which I was like all right this is like a fake reality show uh huh And this restaurant does not exist. A restaurant called Latin flavor as a warehouse full of hamburgers. Yeah. Yeah. See, the more you think, the more you talk about it is like, all right, this is, there's, there's no way.

This is like a made up TV show for YouTube shorts. And this episode was like this husband and wife and they're like watching as like one of their employees keeps adding like. So he's supposed to deliver. He's like, you should call in 300 hamburgers to your restaurant. and then he calls in 500 then sells them to a competing food truck and they're all like

oh my God he's selling burgers to your competitor what the it was so awesome sounds like a good show yeah I had an amazing thought the other day I was thinking

that it'll be a first okay well then I'm excited about it if it's my first amazing thought this is a huge moment for me I was thinking I think that the person who has carried the torch of Anthony Bourdain is I show speed. Really? Because he's going to all the different places.

Because he's going to all the different places and being so amazing in every single country. I do love to see him go to the other country. Him with the monk. It is like, it's great. I think that he really is. That's how he will be remembered. I think one day maybe something, because like right now he's very energetic. Yes.

I think one day. He's going to chill out. He's going to chill out. He's already on his way to chill. He's on his way to chill. He's on his way to be. He's going to say, he does have the Bourdain thing. He's going to just completely say word for word stuff that Anthony Bordane used to say.

He's really is like he's so thoughtfully like entering these weird different places and being so interesting. That's so true. Like Anthony Bourdain. Yeah. He's going to complete, he's going to word for word say the quote about the hangover cure. by accident order some Sichuan food

I would like to see that from him that would be he should just have a TV show because I'm not going to watch I'm not going to watch any video game streamer no I'll watch a clip

when I see it on Twitter but every time but if you had a TV show I'd watch it if it was an hour long travel show travel show be great

that'd be the best show that would ruin it though why would ruin it completely because it's not live yeah I think the liveness is it adds a spontaneity they should just edit the live. They should just edit the live. I think they

do. There is somebody, there is a 16 year old boy out there who's making a stream highlights. But they should make it an actual TV show. Yeah. Instead of highlights. With voiceover. I want voiceover. I guess that's like a money printing machine where they already have a backlog of everything that he's done on stream.

And then they can just put that shit on TV. Put it on Amazon Prime. Talking head interview. Yeah. Him in front of a green screen like, when I went to China, it was crazy. That is all you need to make it into a TV show. He says, I went to China this month, and it was crazy. Let's take a look.

Let's take a look. Eight hours of him walking around. That's amazing. That's the best TV show in the world already. Let's roll the clip. That's eight hours of him walking around and doing backflips and stuff. Yeah. Oh, my God.

He couldn't do a backflip. No, no. No, no. This is the next level. He could make a hell of a sandwich, though. But he barely even cooked in that show. He cooked. That's true.

He mostly enjoyed. Mostly in his professional life. Oh, you're such a good cook. Then why don't you go to other places and cook fucking shit? You ever have his viral sandwich? No, he's dead. What's it?

No, I've never, you've never had his viral sandwich. I've had his viral sandwich. What is it on it? It was a big trend for a little bit. And I saw that and I was like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to falter. What's up with you're going to falter?

Yeah, did you learn about faltering? But then I did. But then I did. You're using falter. in an interesting way. A wrong way. I'm trying to speak like Bordane. Okay.

I'm trying to speak like Borgaine. Tell me what's on the sandwich right now. It is Kaiser Roll, mortadella, provolone, mayo and mustard. And you fry the provol, you fry the,

the mortadella in a pan, like, and you put it in a little rosette style. Yeah. And then it gets all crispy and then you put the cheese on top and then you melt it and there's like three stacks of mortadella. It's probably why I'm fucking fat again.

I was eating this a lot. How many of these were you? eating. I ate maybe two a week. That's not enough to make you fat. Yeah, but that's a whole pack of mortadella, each sandwich. Mortadella is so good. Yeah. I've been getting fat too, man. It's time to

leave that. Oh, yeah. It's time to get back. Time to get back. You and me should get fucking shredding. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. I don't think I can I have shredded in me, but I think you have shredded in you. I think I could lose 20 pounds. I think you have shredded in you.

you underneath the you. Yeah, shredded cheese. Yeah, I have a lot of shredded cheese. I got to give it up for that. No, I agree. No, I agree. There's a lot of shredd cheese. You have to admit, that is good.

I like shredded cheese. Yeah, shredded cheese is good. And he was silent waiting to pounce and he found the perfect moment. Yeah. Shredded cheese. Well, yeah, I love shredded cheese. It's in me. It's in me this morning.

I had shredded cheese for breakfast. A handful of shredded cheese for breakfast. You take the monster. Here's my, so Anthony Bourdain has his viral sandwich. Here's my viral snack. Breakfast. Here's my viral breakfast snack. Here's my viral breakfast snack.

you take shredded mozzarella you hold it in your hand until it forms until it forms the stick yeah and it has finger oh it's so nice and salty yeah wow so now that your sweat mixes in with the the high moisture mozzarella okay and it kind of looks like a cheese stick and then you eat the whole thing whole you ate just a hand of cheese today i've eaten a lot of shredded cheese out the bag out the fridge Tony Sopranos style I don't think he was eating no no I'm that's what I'm doing you're eating I'm not but I'm not mafioso you can't afford all I can't afford all these salamis so I'm eating straight mozzarella out the fridge Tony Baritone roll it up into my yeah I'm Tony Baritone dude I'm eating

mozzarella and hot dogs out my fridge yeah it's pretty bad man you should stop doing that why mozzarella is good for you it has a good amount of calcium that is true mozzarella is pretty low low fat yeah high calcium yeah i would say just it's bad for your soul to be eating like no it's good for your soul to eat mozzarella out the fridge but in a shredded form yeah i don't like the part of of the sweat yeah that was just something that was something i made up for comedic effect did you really hold it in your hands but are you like but i know that that cheese is sticky so are you like yeah like like you you sprinkle it how far up are you going? Sometimes I'm

going crazy high. Does someone miss your mouth? Oh yeah. There's a lot that gets on the floor. But guess who likes cheese more than me? The cat. Mr. Mo. Sometimes he doesn't eat it though and then it's on the ground and then I get a text from my girlfriend saying, did you drop

mozzarella cheese on the floor? It's hard to argue against that then. If everybody's happy with it. Yeah, everybody but hers happy because I leave mozzarella on the floor. Oh my God. I had one of these C4 things and now My skin feels strange. Yeah, you got the tingles. I do not like the tingles if I'm not, if I'm just sitting around.

If I'm not like going to work out, it's an interesting choice. Yeah. You should do a push-up on the table. Get on the table and do one set of crunches. Crunches? Yeah. Do a burpee on the table. A burpee, I'd break the table.

Yeah. I could probably do a push-up on the table, but I'm trying to measure the length. And it wouldn't be a good-looking push-up. Yeah. It's not long enough. All right. I guess Caleb ruined the episode How did I ruin the episode

Man, the episode doesn't even start it You just refused Yeah, the episode has started Okay, then I'll do one On one push-up on the table It's not that big a deal If the table is too small You can do girl push-ups

Oh, he's actually the length of the table He is perfectly the length of the table Yeah Focus up Hey do your fucking set man okay a little showoffy yeah

I don't like this I don't like the showmanship but I'm glad you did that the attitude was kind of negative you made me do that well I didn't ask for you to be a showman yeah the clap was much why did I do that clap

yeah that was that was too much you're gonna look like a herb in front of all over now I'm also exhausted our fans did three pushups and I'm fucking

our fans all just collectively rolled their eyes he made me do the push you didn't want to do that You didn't have to do the clap. If you did simple push-ups, that'd be amazing. Everyone would be like, wow, Caleb is my fitzbo.

You have to complicate everything. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know why I caught. You were about to become Fitsboe for these facts. I wanted, okay, here's what I wanted to do. I wanted to see if maybe I fell when I did the clap. You wanted to try to fall.

I wasn't going to try to fall, but I was going to give it my best effort and think. That would be, you know what? You were thinking stu-stoo-jurifically. So you got to respect that. Yeah, because my hands were falling off that side. Yeah. So I was like, it's going to be tough to put my hands back. If you did fall off the table, that would have been maybe one of the best clips we've ever had.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. But it didn't happen. And I didn't want to force it. Thank you for thinking of the prime directive, which is we need to get an Instagram clip that's so good that the show blows up and then we can play Carnegie Hall. We can play Carnegie Hall right now, buddy. Yeah. Oh, you need to rent it out.

You rent it out. It's like $2,000 or some shit. Yeah. That's actually not. The three busy Debras did it. That's true. So we will do it. That's true.

Why don't we just, we've talked about doing that. Yeah. We should be the three Boise Debras and we're three boys. Three Boise Dennis. Three Boise deadnesses. Dennesses. We could do that. Deny.

Denied. So basically today that we're recording this is April Fool's Day. One of the worst days of the year, I'll say. I got you this morning. You actually did get you. I did actually get you. Did I get you as well? You got me as well.

Cameron said a bird flew into his head. And I was like, oh my God. Cameron said a bird flew into his head. I think I said I got hit in the head by a bird. At 8.51 a.m. on April 1st. I just got hit in the head by a bird. I believed it. And I fully believed it.

It's a perfect April Fool's a good one, right? It's a good one. I said that was my April Fool's prank on you, thinking that I was playing along with April Fool's. Turns out you said April Fool's after that. And that was, because you didn't get hit. I did not get hit by a bird.

When did you even? Because now I have deniability. I should have thought about the fact, okay, you have to be here at 10 o'clock. Why would you be out at 8.51? Well, I was out. Yeah.

I was at the gym. Oh, you're at the gym. Well, actually, you know what? I was in between being. I was at the gym. But I had been out. See, and I know that he goes to the gym in the morning. So I was like, okay.

It is plausible. Maybe a bird bunked. He got bird bonged. But today, the day that this comes out is the day after April Fool's Day, which I think we would like to claim to try and reclaim as April Truth's Day, April Truth's Day. April Truth's Day. April Fool's, yeah, all it does is break trust. I harmed you guys by saying that I got a hit in the head with a bird.

I mean, you probably were out buying bouquets of flowers and, you know, getting it. an edible arrangement headed to your house right now. And you probably had to return it. All mango. Had to suffer the restocking fee. Yeah. It's very, very expensive for them to put the fruits back together. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It takes a long time. I know. It's terrible. So that's kind of an example of the harm that it can cost. So we just want to like commit to radical truth. Uh-huh. Yeah, because I feel like the way that the world is set up right now already is that you build trust all year and then the trust is spent on horrible lies on

April 1st, every single year, horrible lies. Oh, Reddit is posting that it's shutting down. Google will be upside down from now on. Yeah. Nike has a new crazy shoe. And every day, every April 1st, I go on the internet and I go, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, what's wrong? Am I taking crazy pills?

My favorite video game is adding Big Chungis? Exactly. Wait, they should do that, though. They should do that. What, yeah, my favorite video game should have that. They should add Big Changes to my favorite video game better. Make it even favored her. Yeah.

Um, big chungest world and kingdom hearts four. That would be so all I want to do, the thing is truth could happen. Truth needs to outpace foolery every year if we're going to move towards a better world. Yeah. So for us to make that intention from the beginning, the first day after April Fool's is like, okay, we are dedicating ourselves to truth until the next Fool's Day. Yeah. And then you can spend a little bit of it. But by the time that we're there, we will have built up such a strong barricade of truth.

Right. It's time to buy back all of the, it's time to repair all the harm we've caused. Yeah. Buy back the trust. Exactly. Let's go ahead. Let's purge some of our lies. The triumph of truth.

I'll tell you guys about this lie. That's what we could call today. This lie that was a bald-faced lie that I lied while watching, again, watching TV with my wife. And this was one that was so, it just popped into my head and I said it. And it was not believed, obviously. Yeah. But this was one of my greatest lies yet. Okay.

And I'm leaving this by the wayside, this type of behavior. We were watching TV and a Hershey's commercial came on. And it was kind of like, it was like a stop motion guy eating a Hershey's bar. And I saw it and I said, oh, my God, I made this commercial when I was a kid. I said, you didn't? I said, yeah, I won a contest when I was a kid. They must just be releasing it now. That's crazy.

Did she believe it? No. No, but that type of thing, I won't, I'll be saying this is a Hershey's commercial made by the Hershey's company. is what I would say now. This is a Hershey's commercial made by artists. And I get it. Artists made this. It's not as glamorous of a thing to say.

No, it's not. But it's true, but it's true. And that and truth is important. Here's a lie that I've been saying for years, I guess two lies, that I don't know if these are affecting me career-wise. Okay. I'm still on the Wikipedia for Loquisha. Still? Yep.

It's on my IMDB. As the writer? As writer, one of the writers of the movie Loquisha. Which, that's a full fool. That's a full fool that's been going on since COVID. So it's five years of fools. And I'm wondering if maybe people have looked me up and been like, oh, my God, he's a complete racist. Because he wrote a movie about Loquisha.

About Loquisha, which is not a name. What is Loquisha again? Loquisha is about a white guy radio host who put, he fakes being a black woman. to get ahead. Yeah. Oh. And it's a comedy. It's an unwoke comedy.

Yeah, it's an unwoke comedy that takes a look at DEI. Uh-huh. And you wrote it. And I said that I wrote it because I was being ironic and say, it was, oh, it's so bad. What if I told everyone that I wrote it? Okay. But now you're worried that maybe. Now you're committed to truth.

I did not write loquisha. Okay. And also, along with that, I also did not write the movie, Jexie. starring Adam Devine and Rose Byrne as the voice of Jexie. See, but the thing is... That was on Wikipedia

for a long time that I wrote Jexie. I think having those two credits under your belt would probably be good for your career. Jaxi would be good. Loquisha would not be good.

Well, I'm not so familiar with this movie. Loquisha would not be good at all. Loquisha might be troublesome. Yeah. Yeah. Jxy is like, all right, well, he is just like,

you know, he's good at writing slop. Let's get him to write more slop. Loquisha is going to get your job. La Guisha is, I'm going to be working with, what's her name? Brett Cooper. Brett Cooper, yeah. Benjamin Cooper. Yeah.

All right, you need a purge a lie here before we get into truth. I'm trying to think of a lie. I don't have one on that. Let me say one more thing about the Jexie thing. Somebody messaged our friend Ben, somebody that we used to do open mics with and said, damn, did Patrick sell a movie when I was perpetuating that lie? thought that I had fully sold Jexy to a studio.

And that's how damaging lies are. Yeah, lies are damaging. It can cause messages. It can cause our friends to get texts from guys that we weren't friends with. I lied to the maintenance man yesterday because he's coming to fix the fire alarm that's been beeping for four days.

And he said, how has it been with this beeping fire alarm? And I said, I haven't slept in days, but I had slept. Yeah. Not very good. No, it's hard to sleep with the fire alarm. It's just a fire alarm. It's like a little, it's like the low battery thing, but it's hardwired. We had the same thing. Yeah, where you, you can't replace the battery because it's not even the low battery thing. It's just like, it's the fire alarm will go off until you throw it away. Yeah. Yeah. So, but they fixed it today, but it was four days of pure hell. That is terrible.

And so I wanted to, I wanted to emphasize this guy how bad this was. Yeah. Yeah. So I said I had this life. You did sleep. I did sleep. I'm committing to truth. That happened to me and it only lasted one day and it drove me completely insane. Yeah, I can't imagine. And also the dog has been, yeah, every time it goes off going, you know, he has a human voice. Yeah. He's like, ah, he does have kind of a human. Really serious. He's upset Homer. He's, he's been walking around my house going, I'm Phil. I'm Phil. I can't do the home at voice anymore. That's not true. I'm not. You're not Phil. And that's the kind of stuff. Homer either. I'm not, Phil or Homer. And that's not your voice. And this isn't even homework.

No more voices either, because that's a lie. Voices is a type of lie unless it's your real voice. Should I read my speech that I prepared about truth? Oh, yeah, this is my real voice too. We'll stop doing our fake voices, guys. Wow, that feels good. Okay, that was a lie. That was a lie. This is my real voice.

Yeah. That's the last lie. That's the last lie. Do you guys want to hear my speech about truth? Yeah, please. That I was asked to write. Oh. What?

I forgot to write my middle section. Did you write your speech? I wrote my speech. Well, I'll improvise it in the middle. At least I'm being truthful about it. I did completely forget. I didn't finish this, so that's okay. Okay.

Truth is a powerful thing. True love, true north, true colors. Get off your phone. Sorry, my girlfriend just got me with an April Fool. What was it? That she has COVID. That's not a good April. That's not a good April Fool.

And if you're watching this, first of all, I got really scared that I was about to give them COVID. So you are a bastard. I'm saying this to you on the show. Oh, if you're being truthful, I guess you are a bastard. And I don't mean this, actually, because I have to be truthful. So say that you love her. I love you.

Tell her how much you love her. I love you so much. We had one of the best weekends of our lives. We had so much fun this weekend together. my wife got me with the worst April fools of all time this morning and I know she is listening to this

and you need to do better which is that just that she said I'm going to go to an exercise class after work today and I said okay and she said April fools and I said oh okay and then she said no but I actually

I told my wife I shit the bed this morning and I immediately said April fools she went okay she doesn't celebrate yeah Okay, well, here's, let's listen, let's learn. Truth is a powerful thing.

True love, true north, true colors. But the truth is, truth hurts. That's why we've lost our taste for truth. But I still remember what it felt like on my tongue. Refreshing, like cold cream coating my mouth, touching all my teeth and dribbling down my chin. Frankly, I miss the flavor. Nowadays, truth is treated like a pest,

tugging at our conscience as we spray vile green lies from our mouths. Lies about our enemies and acquaintances, sure, but more sinister, lies about our friends and our neighbors. The truth has become an inconvenience to the world we want to tell ourselves we live in, but the truth is, none of it's true. Let's do an experiment. If truth were never invented, where would we be? Isaac Newton's brilliant truth of gravity.

Well, if it's not true, people float away at random. screaming for something to tether them to the earth, squeaking out their final goodbyes to whatever strangers happen to be watching when they are chosen. The rest of us live in paranoia. Nobody knows who's next to be swallowed by the firmament. How about evolution? If it's not true, some of us are still technically frogs, monkeys, and single-cell organisms, with no hopes of ever evolving past the body that they are born in.

A vicious hierarchy has developed, stratifying society by species, rights taken away violence justified but what can you do i'm a bird you are a bug i am is that true no no this is this is a world without truth here a world without truth okay uh-huh got scared the monkeys and the dolphins rule with an iron fist monkeys have the land dolphins the ocean the earth's ocean is much bigger than the land mass that's a problem for the monkeys general ugrah of the primate federation has invested millions of bananas and peanuts into researching and development of a new kind of bomb that would evaporate all of the oceans turning them into usable swing around on a bowl land for the monkeys but the plan is leaked to the dolphins when a scientist on the project a monkey named schmidt can't help but confess to his true love

the dolphin oh that they're going to destroy the and then and then i fell asleep i took a melatonin That was really kind of scary, yeah. The point is that a world without truth is not a world that I think is hospitable to human life. No. And I don't want to live in a world without truth. And I feel like every year and every day and every second, every minute, we are moving towards a world. Can I? Can I say the first truth?

Yes. Our first truth is that I need to pee really bad. Then we can go pee. Then go pee, I guess. I'm going to go pee right now. Okay. Can I ask you another truth? you can ask me a question

A question And he'll tell the truth I'll tell the truth I'll truth it Are you going in the bathroom To write your speech No I'm not Okay

Because I said I didn't write it So if I came out of the bathroom And then read it I feel like that would be a dead giveaway That would be a dead giveaway And also it'd be really really fast Because you're just peeing Yeah that's true

That is true So the idea today is that we're going to make Sure that truth is social And also Yes We are going to make a list of all things true, I think, is the plan. Yeah.

The list, we're going to make the first list of canonical truths. Every true thing that everybody can agree on. Yes. Here's mine. First one. Okay. Easy. Simple. Water is wet. Water is clear.

Water is clear. Depending on the water. Drinking water is clear unless you put Mio in it. See, this is where the truth gets so muddied and muddled. Mud is dirty. That's mud is dirty. Mud is dirty. Mud is dirty.

First truth. Okay. The first truth is mud is dirty. Okay. Because I'm trying to think of a way, you know, I don't like putting myself in the situation, but I'm having to attack and cross analysis every single one of these truths. Well, yeah, that's part of the part of truth that makes it so truthful is facts. Iswithstanding the attack.

It's fact checking. A fact checking. Yeah. So I'm going to give that zero Pinocchio's. Okay. Thank God. Because it's not, it's not a lie anyway. I don't want to say a lie today on truth, on truth's triumph.

Mud is dirty. Okay, so that's the first one. Mm-hmm. The first, yeah. The first truth is that mud is dirty. And we synthesize that after I said that water is wet because water is not always wet. It doesn't have to be watery. I think the simple truth.

Well, dry, dry ice is a completely different type of thing. Dry ice is always in name only, though. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Dry ice is a colloquialism. That's what I'm saying. Ice is always wet. And when you call it when ice is dry, it becomes something entirely different. It's not even water.

It's not even ice. I feel like water can be wet. No. If you are in sub-zero temperatures, then the ice is not very wet. It's still wet, though, I think. Here's the thing. Here's the thing that's so brave about telling the truth. Okay.

is that it's so much easier to lie. It is easier. So I would like to say, it's so much easier to lie. It is way easier to just fucking lie. Yeah. Water's wet. Don't investigate it at all. Don't investigate it.

But there's other stuff going on there. There's other stuff. There's so many parts going. There's so many parts at play in a truth. I think mud is dirty is the closest to a first, the first one that we have. It's pretty good. Sand is sandy. But then that, we're just getting into into.

I want greater truth. Truthes. Yeah. Redundancies. These are little tiny truths. Well, that's why, you know, telling the truth is so hard. Yeah. Truths need to start small. I'll search up some small truths. Okay. Small truths. See, a lie you can just say and you don't have to check if it's true. Right. Well, fact check. Or let's let's fact check first. Is mud dirty? Okay. Mud is often perceived as dirty. Often. Often. See, that's, mud can be more than just dirty. Oh, how, what can it be more than? What's a difference between.

mud and dirt. Dirt is dry. Mud is wet dirt. Okay, so mud is wet. What is mud's dirty little secret? That's a good question. Mud play for kids, why it's worth the mess. Here's a good one. Mud play for kids is worth the mess. That's a perfect first. That's true. That's true. There's a first truth on the board. Mud play for kids is worth the mess. Worth the mess. Okay, that's fine. I think that's true. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's true. I think that is true. But that's in the eye of the beholder, because mud play for kids is probably not worth the mess if you live in one of these white houses. If you live in a white house? In the white house? No, in a house that's a sterile white house. Mud play for kids is not worth the mess. There's still a mess. There is a mess regardless.

We're talking about worth it. Is it worth the mess? It doesn't make the mess necessarily more. Mud play for kids is not worth the mess if the kids are in the hospital. That's true. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that's true because I think that it would build their immune systems up. But it would get the hospital dirty. Muddy. But it's saying worth the mess. Of course it would be a mess. How about this? Playing and mud makes a mess. Yeah. That's true. That's better. I know we boiled that down. Playing and mud makes a mess. That is the truss. We're not going to make a judgment on mud is messy. Mud is messy. There we go. Nice and simple. Mud is messy. And that's the first truth. That's the founding truth. The founding truth. Everything comes back to this. Okay, what's another thing that we can tell a truth? Five small truths to quietly make peace with before you can thrive. Okay.

Okay. Number one, the world doesn't owe you anything. That's not true. That's not true. Yeah. The world owes us some stuff. You get owed air. Air, water, sustenance.

I think just air. Okay. The world owes you air. Nothing but air. Oxygen. Air and oxygen. Air has oxygen in it, though. Air can be manmade.

cold air hot air balloon balloon air balloon air so now how about this balloons I only consider I don't know about you guys I only consider it a balloon if it has helium in it

that's no balloon is the object's name but it's only like a real balloon if it's floating they should call balloons with helium in them floaters and then balloons balloons yeah I'm done with that

okay that could be a truth but that's not a truth that's just a that's just a statement That's a shud. That's a should. Shuds are not truths. The earth owes you air. See, this is interesting because I'm here, it's on Quora.

It says, what is the difference between big tea truth and little tea truth? Okay. Now, here's the example. We're looking at little tea truth, right? Right now, I feel like that's where we're trying to get some small ones to build off of. These are what they give as examples of little tea truths. Chocolate ice cream is the best flavor. Opinion.

Varying views on marriage customs or it is raining outside. Okay. Yeah, I guess it's true. that it's raining outside somewhere. They think that little T truths means not truths. Yeah. Yeah. But it should just be small truths, like dust is little.

What is it given as an example for a capital T, truth? Dust is little. Okay, so will you write down, mud is messy, the earth owes you air, and dust is little? And we'll make a page on our website that has all of our truths. Yeah. Okay, one second. Okay, so it's mud is messy. Mud is messy.

The earth owes you air. That's the contract that you enter into when you're... Dust is little. Created. Yeah. And dust is little. What does it say for big teachers?

Because I do want to tackle some Okay, here are the Capital teachers. This is interesting too. I feel like this person has maybe a tenuous grasp on truth.

All humans are mortal. That one seems true. We don't know that. We don't know for sure. Because it's a rolling... The law of gravity. That's one you mentioned. Yeah.

Listen to this one. The theory of gravity. It is wrong to torture innocent beings. We were kind of talking about that earlier with regards to prisoners. Yeah. I mean, I think that you, if you think Paul Dano is evil, but he's innocent, I mean,

you can't be blamed for torturing for years in your shower. Well, but now we're entering James Trolley. Yeah, exactly. Justin Trolley, where you don't, what if, what if you have to torture the innocent to get a, get, get, yeah, to get, to make your food? To make your food. Which you do, technically, if you were eating meat. This is how all like stuff like all like philosophy exercises are

is like there's a chef that hates cooking and it's torture for him. But you are really, I know all this because I'm a philosophy student. Would you torture the chef by making him make you some food? And I said then the answer is obviously yes because I'm hungry. Okay, so that one's not true.

It's okay. So then our truth is it's okay to torture. It's okay to torture the chef if he hates making food. innocent chefs. Yes. I think that's true. Because I, and I think you don't need all the details of like, no,

that's because you're hungry. Yeah. If you're hungry, maybe we could say. So here, maybe I'm going to go to Reader's Digest here where it has 125 interesting facts about practically everything. Okay. And I think these we kind of can kind of, I mean, facts are close to truths. We can definitely can boil these down.

Facts. Truths are made of facts. I think these are actually going to be really fun to try and boil down into truth here. So here's the first fact. The world's oldest wooden wheel has been around for more than five. thousand years. Well, I can't dispute that. But how can we turn that into a truth?

Because that's just a fact. Wheels were invented 5,000 years ago. Wheels. It's more... Wheels were around. I want this to be more about maybe the wood. Universal. Wood can create a wheel.

Wood in a wheel. The oldest wheel. Hold on. Wood in wheels. What was around 6,000 years ago? Mesopotamia. Mesopotamians didn't have this wooden wheel

because this is just surviving There we go With a hyperlink Didn't have this wooden wheel Perfect truth With a blue hyperlink text Perfect truth on this Mesopotamians didn't have this

wooden wheel And I'll just copy the image Okay perfect But what if that's not the actual wheel What if this is a stock wheel right this has to be the actual it's half the earth and half wheel well it looks old as fuck it does i think if we say dramatization under the picture then that's fine dramatization is is a truth because that's us telling the truth we need to be honest in this list oh they already

have one about dust too okay have dead skin cells are a main ingredient in household dust but that's basically see that we could turn that into dust as little because skin cells yeah the cell is about the smallest fucking shit on earth Sudan has more pyramids than any country in the world. What about a truth about pyramids? The pyramids

are triangularly shaped on a one face. It is a triangle. One face of a pyramid is a triangle. Where there's a

pyramid, there doesn't have to be a sphinx. Or a mummy. Mammies is not always in pyramid. A low percentage of pyramids

have mummies. Yeah. It's sounding like a fact though. A high percentage of pyramids have sand around them specifically.

Or mummies will be good. We could jump to mummies. Well, let's jump to mummies real quick. Yeah. Mommies are people. Our people. Mommies were once people. Mommies were once people.

Sometimes they mummify animals, though. Yeah, that's not true. Animals are people. Human mummies were once people. Well, I don't know that animals are people. Bugs are dogs. No, that's not true. That's just a false.

Throwing stuff against the wall. No, we're seeing what sticks. That's fair. That's your process of truth. That's okay. Bugs are birds? Shit, throwing shit at the wall is messy. Kind of, what about mud is, or,

Let's go back to mud real quick. What about shit is like mud? Perfect. It is brown like mud. It is like mud. Because it is messy. Yeah. And there's a little bit of a, like, it's up to the, in the eye of the beholder, how alike they are.

Yeah. You have to admit it is alike. Yeah. They're like. They're like each other. Fact. The bumblebee bat is the world's smallest mammal. That's a fact.

Move on. Mm-hmm. You don't think we could do anything about the bumblebee. No, that's just a fact. That's already a perfect fact. The bumblebee bat is the world's small. smallest mammal. How about not all

bums, not all, not all bats, some bats are bumbleby bats. Yeah, some bats are bumbleby bats. That's a good, that's a perfect truth. That's a perfect truth. That's a perfect truth. Ding. Here, maybe I'll try and find some universal truths and we need a larger

scope to our truth. Yeah. Fifteen universal truths to understand the human condition, psychology today. Let's see here. be honest it's not really a truth well I mean it's not it's what's a guy it's how you create yeah yeah that's not

really it doesn't make a lot of sense put my legs on the table but that would be rude it's rude to put your legs on the table well no not always not if you have a coffee table in front of a couch here the shortest shortest truth in the English language legs walk

not true some people's legs don't walk some people have legs that don't walk a ton of people don't have legs that don't walk that's not a close. It's not even that close. Legs can walk. Yeah.

But three words. I was trying to do it. Can we get a two-word truth though? Facts true. Facts are true. That's three words, man. Three, yeah. It's a noun verb.

Plural noun verb. I feel like we can crack this. We are here. We are here. I don't think a contraction counts. That's cheating. I hear. I hear.

I'm. Here. This is. This is kind of genesis. This is. This is. Noise loud. This is noise loud.

Noise loud. Okay. And then parentheses, two word truth. The only two word truth. The only two word truth in the English language. Yep. Noise loud. Noise loud.

But some noise. Some noise. Some noise is quiet. Some noise quiet. Some noise quiet. But that's also a, well, yeah. Two word truth is really tough. Color, colorful.

But what about white? Bubble pop. Bubble pop. Bubbles pop. Bubbles pop. There we go. The only two word truth in the English language. Because I can't think of a bubble that hasn't popped.

No, I really can't. Or never will. No. Every bubble will pop. Action speak louder than words. That's not true. I don't think that's true. You don't have two chances to make a first impression.

That's also not true. You could wear a disguise. Disguise. Disguise is a good time. hide your identity. Yeah. Not always. Not if it's a bad disguise.

A good disguise is hide your identity. A good disguise can hide your identity. There we go. That's true. Who could disagree with that? It's hard to disagree with. These are bad universal truths. Didn't you find a big list of them?

Library has books. I sent it in the word truth. Library has books. But it also, some of them just have movies. That's not a library. This is just a Google Doc called Universal. I have no idea it just came up

it's 21 pages long 21 pages of just all truth okay here's why this is really good okay they're mostly alphabetized random mating is good for debunking sex myths okay I think that one we just

get word for word yeah that's just a good that makes it into ours that's a great universal truth random mating is good for debunking sex myths. Oh, here's another one from just a couple lines after. Recloses always get weak. Don't agree. Don't agree. No, Charles Bronson. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, we're thinking to the same guy. He's in solitary confinement. He's getting huge. He invented a whole new type of workout.

Yeah. What do you think about this? He used no punctuation in his book about it. We've done this the whole time. People are nuts if they think they are important. That's not true. Some people are important. Yeah, what's a VIP then? How about nuts? people some people are allergic to nuts yeah nuts kill universal truth universal truth some people are allergic to nuts

some people I mean we could do some ones all day yeah that's true we want universal you're right yeah opacity is an irresistible challenge I don't know what the fuck that means

what is a murder has its sexual side huh Why? Where did you find this? I just Googled like universal truths or something. Yeah, it's it. Murder has its sexual side.

Noise. They have a noise one. Noise can be hostile. That's true. But that's a can be. Yeah, we don't want that. We don't want to have a chance.

All of those are gone. All something is something. Men are not monogamous by nature. Okay. This guy's a very interesting perspective. Not monogamous. Sex has a violent. What was it?

Murder has a sex side. Leisure time is a gigantic smokescreen. Okay. This is more of a full philosophy of this guy. Killing is unavoidable, but nothing to be proud of. Who made this list? Does it say the creator? No, I could request edit access.

I kind of don't want to do that. No, it's kind of scary. I don't want to kind of give them my email. It's crucial to have an active fantasy life. Okay. That's true. It's better to be lonely than to be with inferior people. Okay, wait.

Let's think of a truth. Let's think of a truth that has crucial in the word. Crucial is good. Yeah. These are just great jumping off points. Crucial. It is crucial. Going to the bathroom is crucial.

Bathroom is crucial. Bathroom is crucial to human life. Bathroom breaks are crucial. Bathroom breaks are crucial. Are crucial. And I'll put crucial in capitalized letters. Capitalized italicized. Yeah.

If you can't, oh, humor is a release. Humor is release Humanism is obsolete Pepper pairs with salt Pepper goes well with salt Undeniable Pepper I mean

Black pepper Black pepper Because yeah Then people could be like Oh but red pepper Actually black pepper Better Black pepper goes well with salt

Pairs well with salt I'll do pairs yeah Because they are Black pepper is commonly paired with salt Black pepper is and salt are a pair Yes Yes, absolutely. Are a pair.

You think of one, you think of the other. Peppercorns are round. Not always. Not always. Some of them are oblong, weird asteroid shapes. Oblong. Even your family can betray you. Even your family can betray you? I guess that is true.

Even your family. Eating too much is criminal. That's just not true. Yeah. There's no. No, there's no, it's not. That's not a criminal offense at all. Oh, here's one.

Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity. This guy is going in a really interesting way. Oh, wow. I think this is a, I like this one. Okay. This one I think we should just take. Even monkeys fall out of trees.

That's good. Okay. That's one of those truths that's like that could just be unassured. Because everything falls out of a tree. Yeah, even a monkey. Class structure is as artificial as plastic. Wow. That's kind of poetic.

is see-through. Glass. Well, stained glass. You can still see through it. You can see through it. You can see light through it. Okay.

What about a mirror? I've got, I've got a, okay, so I'm seeing here, the grass is always greener in someone else's yard. What if we combine?

The glass is always clearer in someone else's window. That's good. That's more of an idiom, though. You are an idiom. I'm not an idiom. Idiom.

The glass is always clearer in someone else's window if you don't clean yos. I think the glass, well, Well, yeah, it's not true, actually. Because what if you have a really clear window? Cleaning is important for a tidy house.

Tidying is different than cleaning. Tidying is different than cleaning. That's a truth. That's true as fuck. Nobody can deny that tidying is a little bit different. A little bit, yeah. Tidying is dust level different. Yes.

A little different. Looks can be deceiving. That's kind of a classic obvious one. Curiosity killed the cat. See, he's got very basic ones. yeah and then he has okay now he just has has some like idioms in here too can't see the forest for the trees can't get blood from a stone i want more of the ones that he came up with yeah i think those are probably let me let me try and find some more yeah go to page 21 uh many a sudden

change takes place on a spring day hmm okay that's a man may be his own ruin people in hell want ice water well everyone wants ice water yeah ice water is awesome the money water is cold wait The money maker, parenthesis, profiteer, is never tired. That's not true. What if he has? Can often be tired. CFS. Walls have ears.

Chronic fatigue syndrome. Oh, yeah. Long turning makes bad butter. Not if you like the, see, but you can't have a value judgment on it for it to be a universal truth. Butter is spreadable. Not always, though. How so?

That big log of Amish butter. an Englishman's home is his castle Oh, that's why this guy's fucking weird Wait, this guy This guy's fucking He's on to something

April is the cruelest month Oh my right that Because of April fools April is the Foolest month April is the fullest month Yeah There we go

See this is weird Because a lot of these are very clearly copy and pasted And then he just puts It's hard to find his own ones Yeah That they're in there If Life Dose You lemons

Made Lemonade Made Lemonade Lemonade? Made lemonade. He already did it. Ifs and Anns were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers. What? If ifs and ants were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers. What the fuck's a tinker? What is a tinker? I don't know what a tinker is.

Why did I also assume that you knew... Because he's a British guy. Oh, yeah, true. You would know what a tinker is. I think tinker might mean like the G word that you're not supposed to say. What's the G word? Gypsy. Oh. Oh, but do they make pots and pans?

I guess. I've heard that word used in place of gypsy. I only know Tinkerbell. Okay, it seems, yeah, I'm trying to find more that he made. You can't buy love. Not true. You can buy love. For an hour.

Shame is ever part of, is ever a part of poverty. It's hard to take britches off bare hips. Oh, yeah. Tinkers are. All right, take that one. It's hard to take britches off of bare hips. B-A-R-E is another word for Irish Traveler. Oh, I see.

Yeah. Interesting. And they made pots and pans? I guess they, yeah. Okay. He has two, these are two in a row. All right.

So this is kind of like, I feel like this is a Pokemon red and green version. Okay. Put a beggar on horseback and he'll ride to hell. Or put a beggar on horseback and he'll go on a gallop. The second one is true. The second one is true. The first one is not true.

It's not possible to ride to hell. No, you cannot ride to hell. It is true. On a technicality, there is a hell, Michigan. Yeah, but they won't go there. They won't go there. You can't guarantee. They probably won't go there.

But yeah, there's no guarantee. So it's not true. He has so many value judgments too. And they're interesting ones. Like, a live dog is better than a dead lion. No fucking shit. Change it. Change it from lion to dog.

A live dog. But that's a value of a dog. What if you are a dog chef? True. That's true. Yeah. Dog chefs prefer dead dogs. Yeah.

Well, unless they do it like a lobster. Yeah. Dog chefs don't do it like a lobster. Well, you don't know that. That could be a truth. How many dog chefs have you met? At least one. Who?

My professor in college. Lobster chefs? Yeah, he ate his family. Lobster chefs. No about the shell. Lobster chefs. Lobster chefs know about shells. Mm-hmm.

Lobster chefs know about shells. And claws. I still wanted, and clause. I wanted to figure one out for a dog chef. I mean, dog chefs don't make lobstered. Dog chefs do not like dogs. Dog chefs make dogs. Dog chefs cook dogs.

There we go. There we go. It's easy. And it's one of the ones that's going to stick in your head. And you know what they say, man, dog chefs cook dogs. It's like, you know, that could even be a little bit of like a, you know, if you do what you are. A trout in the pot is better than a salmon in the sea. No.

This preference is trout. It's better for the salmon to be in the sea. Yeah. That's all preference. Bears eat salmon. But they don't all eat salmon. Polar bears don't eat salmon. The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune.

No, not true. A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. That's true. That is fully true. Terties can't vote. Turkeys can't vote. And nobody can vote for early Christmas. No, that's not on the ballot.

If you could vote for every Christmas, we'd have Christmas. A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. A person never voted for an early Christmas. voted for an early Christmas. A person never voted for a turkey Christmas. And also, you can't vote for an early Christmas. And also, Christmas is never early or late. Christmas is non-votable.

You can't vote for an early Christmas. Christmas is never early or late. Christmas is right on time. December 25th. Yep. There we go. That's actually a really good truth. A five truth run.

That's a pretty good run. Turkey never voted for an early Christmas. A person never voted for early Christmas. You can't vote for an early Christmas. Christmas is never earlier late. Christmas is December 25th. There we go. How many do we have right now?

I don't know. I haven't been counting one, two, three, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I'm in text edit, man. I don't have any of this stuff. Oh, yeah, copy and paste it, and then put it in a word doc, and then bullet it numbered style. I know what to do, man. I know how to do bulleted numbers. But make it red.

I'll make it red. Red is, is that red a truth color? I feel like that's a lying color. Black or green. So Christmas, December 25th is our 25th truth. Okay. Let's do, let's do five more.

And we'll have the 30, the 30 truth. 30 universal 30 universal truth triumph. Do we want to keep going off this list or should we? Let's just see, yeah, let's see what else is down here. Okay. So I can read these.

These are very clearly the ones he put in himself in between copying and paste. It's really funny to copy and paste idioms. And then also, listen to this. This is the run that he has in the middle here. You have to hurt others to be extraordinary. You must be intimate with a token

few. You must disagree with authority figures. You must have one grand passion. You must know where you stop and the world begins. You can understand someone of your sex only. Oh, okay. These are tough. The truth is, this guy's awesome. You were a victim of the

rules you live by. You are guileless in dreams you are guileless you are guileless yeah you are smartless what does it mean to be guileless dreams are not real define guileless without guy you are guileless without street fighter it means innocent or naive yes oh my god wait so that guy's name is naive no what on street fighter oh i don't know that just a non-naive gile gile list just a white guy He's innocent or naive. You got that cool haircut. You should get that haircut, man.

I think five quick truths, because I got to go. War is a purification right. Violence is permissible, even desirable occasionally. Let's do one violence thing. He says torture is barbaric. Disagree. Yeah, we already have one about that. Trading a life for a life is fair enough.

Timmidity is laughable. Threatening someone sexually is a horrible act. That's true. that is true yeah that is true yeah we could take that one for 26 timidity is laughable i do think that there are things that are universally laughable i'm not sure that it's timidity yeah clowns no no clowns can be scary jokes are universally clowns are either scary or laughable jokers are universally laughable jokers don't belong in the dick there's no there's no there's no use here's a universal truth joe gato has checked into rehab speaking of jokers do we know that that's true though

it's not just a kind of an extended punishment from the show that's going to come out. Yeah, we don't know that. Yeah, that's true. We kind of have to wait and see them out. We can put that. I'll put that as like an extra conditional star next to it. Yeah.

I'll put that as 27 with a star. Cups can hold objects. Unless it's a, the world's tiniest cup. But even that could hold the dust bite. Even the world's tiniest cup. Can hold an object. Can hold an object or liquid.

Maybe not. Don't say liquid because I don't think it could hold a liquid. You could hold a drop. A droplet. But if it's the world's tiniest cup and it's made out of... Droplets are the dust of water. What if it's made... That's true.

Okay, that is true. We're on our last one. To an ant. The last one we want to an ant. Not my aunt. To a human. Ants are small. The last one we'll start with to a human.

Yes, because this will be the biggest one. Yeah, this has to be the biggest, most universal one. To a human. Food is... To a human. But not all... Yeah. To a human be true.

The beach. The beach. Going to the beach has water. To a human going to the beach is vacation. To the human of vacation. To the human of vacation. To the humans of vacation, I said. Congratulations.

Congratulations to the humans of vacation. That's good. To the humans of vacation, colon. Congratulations. Congratulations. exclamation point all right okay

should I should I read through them really quick yeah real quick mud is messy yep the earth owes you air

dust is little it's okay to torture innocent chefs mesopotamians didn't have this wooden wheel shit is like mud

some bats are bumblebee bats bubbles pop the only two word truth in the English language yes a good disguise

can hide your identity random mating is good for debunking sex myths true some people

to nuts. Bathroom brakes are crucial. Black Peppa and salt are a pair. Even monkeys fall out of trees. Tidying is different than cleaning. April is the fullest month. It's hard to take britches off bare hips. Put a beggar on horseback and he'll go on a gallop.

Lobster chefs know about shells and claws. Dog chefs cook dogs. A turkey never voted for early Christmas. A person never voted for an early Christmas. You can't vote for an early Christmas. Christmas is never earlier late. Christmas is December 25th. Threatening someone sexually is a horrible act.

Joe Gatto has checked into a rehab. Asterisk. We don't know. We're waiting on confirmation. Even the world's tiniest cup can hold an object. Droplets are the dust of water. And to the humans of vacation, congratulations. Wow, that's, I mean, that's amazing.

That's a whole 30 piece truth bomb. And to close us out, I've written a closing speech. Okay. Thank you. So the truth is, what can I say about today's episode that hasn't already been said. Wow. Today there was

hella laughs, amazing conversation and even a hilarious quip from Julio. I don't remember that. Yeah, maybe you're just

you're going to make it true. Say something funny. Pope. And that's true. Yeah, it's true. Today's episode

has been beyond a doubt one of the best. And I can't believe we get to do this every day. Today's episode is going down in history as one of our best, especially with the incredible performances from the cast and crew.

Plus, the invention of Caleb's new character, the sassy, sweet-talking white southern mama, Auntie Junebug, based on characters from his youth. You don't want to make him a liar. Yeah, you're going to make me a liar. Auntie Junebug. Put down the French, the French, the french fruit

put down the french fruit now we'll give it to make it sassier boy if you don't put down that french fruit does you think fresh fruit is called fresh fruit that's part of her charm Auntie Junebug

boy if you don't put down that French fruit I'm gonna have the oh the hogs nipping at your butt I'm gonna call CPS on you French fruit French fruit I love French nothing is better than French fruit no I don't let

Grape's from Bordeaux. Continue, I did Junebug. So in closing, today is the greatest day of my life. I thought we were going to do Auntie Junebug for a lot longer, so I didn't really. You thought that that was going to... I thought that was going to be the end of the episode

is I was doing Auntie Junebug for a little longer. So I'm coming up with the rest of it on the spot. In closing, today is the greatest day of my life. I'm going to go home and make a delicious sandwich. Why are you still looking at your phone if you admitted that you're making it up? I'm looking at texts to see what else I'm doing today. And here's another fact. I'm getting peppers again from, I'm getting Hungarian wax peppers from the pot.

I'm getting peppers again. I'm getting peppers again. Hungarian. According to my girlfriend, I'm getting peppers again. And that's a whole episode of truth, front to back, truth. Truth. Well, yeah, we did a little lie at the beginning. Yeah, but we toned for all of our lives. Yeah, we purged it out.

So yeah, go buy a ticket to our show, swag poop.com slash shows, and go check out our universal truths at swag poop.com slash truths, which I'll put up today. Yep. And also go to swag poop.com slash Tulsi Gabbard for a new funny video every week. Bye. It's a picture of Oprah and it says it will blow your mind at Oprah and then it says

on the gazillion bubble show. Oprah on the gazillion. It can't have the context. This was just like a little thing where it's like you stand on a platform and they have a big bubble wand and they pull it up and they surround you in a giant bubble. You know the like question thing where you go far enough on Google that it just turned in

nonsense. Yeah. Why is bubble rated R? Linguished throughout sexual content, drug use, and some violence. What does it mean? Oh, you got the 360 spinna. What does it mean? Oh, wow, it does glam bought you. And Mr. Metz in the background. That's a damn, dude. Pretty cool, right? That's a good one. What did it mean to? I almost made that

that picture of you solo at the Dave and Busters thing. I almost made it my wallpaper. Because my wallpaper now is like a really nice collage thing that my girlfriend made of us. Like, it's like a cartoon, like it's a cartoon of the both of us. Yeah. And I almost changed it to that just to see if she would notice. What is it? What does it mean to be a bubble boy?

Is Dave's syndrome real? What is a bubble baby?