Podcast About List - Ep. 365 - This Is Going To Happen To You Tomorrow

Episode Date: November 26, 2025

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starts with a pop i think i got the voice back it's going to be a minute it's going to be a minute and someone's going to have to hold my mind i literally got this back i also have it i'm not like i'm not necessarily good at this but i get too scared of it as you can see i can do it i have to have someone else hold my uh and we can cut all this part out i guess we could cut all this or you guys could just talk i fucking got it back dude i had to do is take a sip of us smiling friend's impression yes we could literally talk about it no god damn i lost it again you had it for a minute i had it Dude, I sounded just like Zach Heddle for a second.

No! No! Please don't point it at me. I'm really scared of champagne. Why? Because when I was a kid, there was a cork that flew around my house. I admitted it. Do you admit it? I admit it.

I hate how loud it gets. Stop. No. I want to get the pop sound. I think the pop sound would be perfect. Oh my God. It's so close to being out. Oh, my God, it didn't even bubble.

I'm a master. I'm a master. Do you want me to just hold your mic? No, I want you. I'm not. I can hold your mic for the rest of the episode. When you do this, I feel like I don't know what to say. You immediately act like you.

the turtle kid. He was the turtle kid. You became apparently kid, bro. I thought there was some, I became a parrot. You became apparently, bro. I thought that for a minute, I thought there was some famous kid who was a turtle. No, no.

And I got quite excited, but he's a zombie. Not one that I'm aware of that. He's a zombie. Everyone forgets that he's the zombie kid, not the turtle kid. Well, he's the turtle. He's the I like turtles kid. Did you know? Your hand is as hot as an oven.

Yeah. How did you heat this microphone to such a degree? I don't know. What kind of a pore is that? That's the gentleman's poor. The gentleman's poor you don't know anything about. I know a lot about it. It's just a big, a heavy poor. No, no, no. You might be wondering if you're only listening audio only. Why are we celebrating with Champagne with Corbell, extra dry champagne?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Well, we have a new set. But I'm not going to cheers it until, I'm kind of waiting for you to pour yours. Well, I wanted to say the thing about the set being new. How do you like it? Actually, I do like, I would be so good at like a Hocktua-style street interview. I don't think you would. You got to give him that butt.

That's not anywhere near hot, wow, that was a heavy pour. That's not anywhere near Hock-21 level. Yeah, that was like a water-style pour. I don't know how much is foam and how much is champagne. No, no, no. There you go. Oh, he poured for you. Wow.

That's the mark of a friend. That was nice of it. You know the mark of the beast? I do. The chip that goes in your hand. Yeah, that too. There should be a mark of the friend. The mark of a friend is when the mark of a friend.

Cheers, guys. To a new set. To a new set. A new era. There should be a new gear. The mark of the friend should genuinely be Poe 40K. A thing on you that you can see.

The mark of a friend. And if you have that on you, it's completely safe to be friends with that person. Yes. Okay. How about this? A nose. No.

What type of people don't have a nose? What type of people don't have nose? A skeleton skull. I saw someone with no nose. nose recently. People don't have noses. You should be more considerate. That is such a small percentage of the population. We can send them in a space and nothing would change.

A noseless astronaut launch. Because they wouldn't need to breathe the air. What about their families? How would they feel about that? Fuck them. Or their friends. Yeah, get rid of them. Okay, so their families are now also gone. So what about their family's friends? Good question. Oh, friends? Yeah. Interesting. Sounds like they

possess the mark of a friend. They do have nose. That actually is a logical whole poke. But I'm just saying there would be ramifications if you get rid of everybody. There's ramifications to us doing this right now. Butterfly effect, cocher. What do you think is the best thing we could cause on the worst thing we would cause? Worst thing is way worse than the good thing is good.

Yeah. That is true. It's always true. The worst thing is always worse than the good thing. Any given podcast, you could make somebody go crazy. Cuckoo crazy. By going. For somebody, that might be an instant trigger.

and then this guy goes it gets up on a roof or does something bad. Champagne's making my stummy. Nobody ever does something good. Already? Making my stomach go crazy. Bro, that shit's still in your esophagus.

I think that something is wrong with my stomach and I think this is the butterfly effect. We need to heal your gut flora. Yeah. Got microbiome. I think so.

I think there's a full tree growing in there. We're having a lot of confusion. Yeah. Because we don't have a table right now because we're not technically done with the said. Yeah, there's some finishing touches left. So if anyone's out there pointing, oh, wait a second, I see that. Oh, I see this. I see that. I see that.

Oh, you guys have a gap behind you. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's not. We'd worked all day today. Yeah. Yep. Literally all day. I've been in this office for from, from, I've been here since 7 a.m. Me and Cameron working on stuff, Patrick, walking around, touching everything. Uh-huh. Then you kind of handing us stuff. Not true. I was spray painting skeletons and other things. I was spray painting stuff. And then those, you spray painted two things. I spray painted two things. I put, I took a apart all of these with a wire. What do you mean?

I ruined all this up and then you came in and did your own version and changed everything. What do you mean? Well, I changed it back. Yeah. Oh, I did put one. All right.

I put an extension cable. Then you added one super long wire up top. That one's good. That's probably the worst wire. That one's easily the worst wire. The straight white red wire at the top. Just the line doesn't look like a wire at all. But think about that phrase that you just said out loud.

The straight red wire. Doesn't that sound like a James Clancy? novel. Tom Clancy. James Clancy novel. It doesn't really. It doesn't sound like that. It sounds like James Clancy. What would the Tom Clancy? What would that Tom Clancy? No, you're not getting it. It's James Clancy. This is a

knockoff guy who makes books called like the straight red wire. And it's about conspiracy theories. But that's a string. Yeah, but he's about a guy that uses wires. So it's a guy, okay. He's not a good author.

James Clancy. But he also doesn't exist. He does exist. In my universe, Butterfly Effect, just invented him. He just invented. I just invented James Clancy.

The knockoff Tom Clancy, who writes bad books like the straight red wire, Governor's Mansion. This is your, this is your defense of why that wire is good. What's governor's mansion? Governor's Mansion is about a butler who works at the Governor's Mansion who uncovers,

like he accidentally. pulls one, he's, like, dusting, and then he accidentally pulls one of the bookshel, like, the books off the bookshelf. Batman. Yeah, Batman style, but then he goes in, it's a fucking, like, Christian Gray sex dungeon. And he's like, oh, my God, the governor's a fucking pervert. For a second there, of course, now I realize it's 50 shades. Yeah. For a minute, I really was imagining a religious alien network, which would really take a, Christian gray's, sexual, sexual dungeon.

But that's in his next book. Can you, dude, that would be a good book? Because he also had that idea when he read the title or the title. I guess this is just Hyperion, but if aliens came to Earth, they were like, yeah, we're Christian. I mean, they've landed, they all had the crosses on their ships and they're like, yeah, we know Jesus too. I guess I wouldn't be surprised. The twist at the end is that they learned all of it because the Simpsons was a broadcast to space and they all idolize Ned Flanders. Ned Flander, but Reverend Lovejoy.

Lovejoy. He's not a good Christian. He's actually a bad guy. Yeah. I know. What do you think makes him a good, bad guy just because his wife passed? He killed his wife, too. He killed his wife, too. killed her? This is just explored

in a James Clancy novel. This is not explored. This is explored in a Simpsons. No, it's explored in a... It's... His wife died late Simpsons, right? Well, I think he smoked cigarettes, and I think he's secretly... Well, he's always... His thing is always somebody calls him and he was like, it doesn't really matter. Yeah.

Exactly, so he's not a very good... He's not a good... He's not a good... No, no, it teaches you that the book is like maybe the least important part of the doctrine. And what it really is about just being Ned Flanders, yellow guy, having vegetables for your son. He doesn't want any damn vegetables. Having vegetables for your son has nothing to do with Christianity.

Can I just put that out there? No. It has nothing to do. You're dead wrong. First of all, it's in the book, which doesn't matter. The book,

there's no part of the book that says, The book, you just named another James Clancy novel. The book doesn't matter. That's the name. The book doesn't matter. What's that one about? It's about,

it's a self-insert author character named Tom Clancy. And he's going, he's going to, it's honestly it's a lot like misery but not it's a lot like misery but not because he's fully he's fully mobile but he's only there because he actually has plot twist

he has Munchausen's and he likes being taken care of and what's happening to a guy with Munchausen's why is it called the book doesn't matter oh because the book doesn't matter because he's not going to he's not going to leave this lady's house until like he's just going to keep writing books for her. The book

doesn't matter. He wants to stay because he has Munchausen's. And she also has... I'm going to be completely Runchausens by proxy. Or no, no, no, no. He has Munchausens by proxy. He has Munchausens by proxy. I think. Which is which? Munchausen by proxy is when your mom is like you're always so damn sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Yes. But then he has bunch of... Which person has Munchausen's by proxy in that situation. The child. So then the mom has Munchausens. The mom doesn't have Munchausen. The child has Munchausens by proxy. Actually, I don't know. What's plain Munchausens then? Plain Munchausens would be just thinking you're sick. You're so sick. Being a hypoch-condriac. You say that you're sick. I don't know which one is the proxy. Well, you're the proxy. You're being given Munchaus or you're being given Munchausen. But I don't think

somebody has to have Munchaus to give it to you. It's like Eddie. No, no, yeah, yeah. It's just saying that someone else is giving it to you, I think. Yes. Like your mom feeding you a placebo pill every day. Like not literally giving it to you, but just like they're giving it to you. Yeah. You're getting it from your mom. Get it from your mom by proxy. Getting it from your mom by proxy.

It's a whole complicated system of proxies that I don't have time to get into. But it ends with you getting it from your mom. Yeah, that's the important part is you're getting it. Sometimes the father, sometimes your dad. I don't want to get it from my dad. No, I don't want to get it from my dad. He's old. I was chilling with my dad, man.

And he's, he's, uh... How was that? I did not meet him still. Oh, yeah. You guys didn't meet him while he was up here. dude he was busy man yeah what was he doing um he went to he just walked around little italy and stuff very busy man yeah he sounds so busy he walked around there was one night where he him and his girlfriend went to an italian place and had a drink and they were like oh it smells so good

the food smells amazing and when they were leaving the bartender gave him little shots a limoncello and he said they're on me they were like oh my god this is the nicest place ever this is the best bar Tinder. Next night, I'm like, let's go to dinner at this place because you guys said it seems so good. The food was whatever. It was fine. But then at the end, he was like, they brought limoncello out to us. And they were like, oh my God, they remembered. And then he saw that every other table got the limoncello. And I swear to God, he was pissed until he left. He was like, Matt, he was like, I guess they just do that for any old fucking Joe Schmo that walks in into this and find out you ain't special. Yeah. That's got to just be suck. I've never had that

feeling. Yeah. Dude, I have it almost every day. Really? Yes. When I see my mailman,

I see him across the street going in other people's houses and talking loudly on the blue shoes. Dude, when you see your mailman fist bump somebody else, you go, I thought that was our fucking thing. Yeah.

You realize that your mailman has actually a better relationship with your roommate than you? This is my impression of my mailman. Dude. Yeah. I actually have a male woman. If I was doing an impression of her,

I'd need some damn pillows. Yeah. Why? Just these careful. I thought she was tired and slept. I had a male lady. I had a male lady in Bushwick who had a BBL. Yeah, I think I got one of those.

That's like the cops in fucking New York City. You'll have cops that have BBL. When you see like a real BBL in person, it's scary. You think so? There's a BBL aftercare place near my house. Oh, yeah, I know. I know the one. You know that place?

The one, yeah. Say your address. It's the one by the Hullullulafi. No, no, no, no, not that one. Oh, wait, no, I know that one, though. I just saw this the other day. You know, all of them. Yeah.

I'm going to every single one. No, because there's the one who walk, who jump in and out of that place in the black suburban, it's pretty crazy. Yeah, the one, there's the one by the atomic wings. There's one right next to atomic wings, but then there's also this other one where they have just like, like the one by the one by the one by the one by the one has pictures of like BBL restorations. Like if you're BBL restorations, like if you're BBO. Oh, yeah, that place, they have, yeah, that's the place where you walk by. It'll be like, it'll be like vagina lift. They just have a picture of a woman spreading her pussy in the window.

Yeah. And it's right next to like a taekwondo place where kids are walking down. But the one you're talking about, the one by the Hololify, they fully just have like, it's like model shots of women who it's like they looked up like BBL on Getty images or Google images. And it just picked like, show the BBL. It's women out front and they're holding fingers over their nipples. But their boobs are out. Yeah, they're just putting that in the front of the building. I think that is an elite.

illegality to me. Yeah. You can't be showing that in the middle of the... Maybe if you're near the airport, you can show that. Or like near a bridge. But other than that,

I don't think you can show it just in the neighborhood. Why a bridge? Yeah, what is that? The bridge or the airport. Those are the two places... The skeviest parts of the city. Yeah.

Yeah. It is pretty skeevy if you start headed towards JFK, there's horses and shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's dangerous. I wouldn't say that's skeevy, though.

It's dangerous in almost all of New York nowadays because of the horses. Yeah. Dude, Times Square. are the horses? They're taken over. I've seen plenty of horses and every time I've seen them, they've been dangerous. Yeah. Horses are very dangerous. Yeah, they're bad

animals. They can kick, you know what I was told? They stop animals to death just from the cruelty of their heart. Actually, you know what I was told as a kid that says nothing to do with horses though? What? Emu or wait, no. Yeah. Emu versus lion who wins? So you're going to say a fun fact that's an emu.

The emu kicks the lion in the face and it's jaw is broken. So the jaw You learned this? The lion starves to death. My brother told me this. He was like, if you put an emu and a lion in a cage and you have him fight, the emu will kick the lion in the face,

break his jaw and then the lion starts to death. If they're in a cage together, I think the lion's still killing the emu before it starts to death. But what if he breaks every one of his fingers too with a kit? I don't think he has fingers. I mean, if the email could do that. Fuck you.

Fuck you lines on my fingers. What's on their claws then? What are their cause attached to? They're paws. They got paws, bro. What are the pieces of that, of meat that come? Toes. They all have toes.

What's the fucking difference between a finger and a toe on a damn? Literally everything, because it's not opposable. Grasping. Opposable. Well, the fingers don't have to be opposable. It's the thumbs that are opposable. But the fingers are opposable. Why are you both so flipping out me?

That was good, though. Well, because you didn't like my story. And you said fingers aren't posible. It was utter bullshit. It wasn't utter. Can we can we? Okay, let's read. let's read center let's agree that his idea was bullshit about the emu

it's not my idea it makes a little bit of sense but that's my posed finger if there's a light behind me it's kind of really shaking yeah yeah this one's like kind of fucked up take another sip of the champagne man it seems like it's been a minute no no I can't I broke this finger in high school and like I there's no way I didn't know that I can't do this without it shaking so you weren't walking around doing this and saying think that's how we broke the finger you broke it came up and snapped it off

dude I did it to the superintendent and he snapped it really I went to Nazi high school superintendent the most evil superintendent is above principal yeah there's somebody

superintendent is in charge of all the multiple schools my friend's dad was the superintendent of well no he was the principal of our middle school and then he moved to a different district and became the superintendent

my principal was the principal in my school till he left my principal was principal Wolf. That's a good name. Yeah. He was really scary.

I had the dean of students at my community college. Somebody told me I was a kid that he killed a kid by spanking him. Really? That's crazy. But the dean of students at my community college was named Dr. Allen Punches. And he had a very funny voice. I think I have one of his voicemails on my phone still. Go ahead and say it.

Do the voice come over? He would, he would. I got a movie on. Come on. Patrick, it's a snow day. And you're going to want to come. come over to my house for a movie. I didn't know he's fucking gay.

No, no, no, he's not gay. He just has a funny voice. He sounded like this and he would say, this is Dr. Allen Punches. And today, there will be no classes due to the weather. He left a voicemail on everybody's phone. It was like a school-wide thing. Yeah, but he did it personally.

He did it personally. He's called every kid. Yeah, called every kid at the community college. Yeah, you get that you, there's just a bunch of kids. So you might be the one who gave. If your last name starts with Z, you're going to get the call that schools canceled at 6 p. Yeah, you already finished the whole day.

Nobody's sitting with you. Hello. Hello, Adams. People are. Kevin your bits is there. Yeah. Something is interesting. All the kids who's last name started with Jay just left.

Yeah. What's going on? Yeah. Adams Zelensky there till fucking 7 p.m. Yeah. You went to school with Zelensky? I did. You did?

You went to school with A Zalinski. I forget. Oh, Brandon was his name. Well, Adamier Z-L-L-N-S-K-Y. No, no. Z-A-L-N-S-K-Y. Like, more like, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Are you somebody who knows the last names of movie characters? They say, he says his name all the time in that movie. Yeah, in that movie. In that movie, he says the name all the time. All the time in that movie. He always says it. But here's the thing is you shouldn't have been, you shouldn't have spent more than 90 minutes of your life being in that movie.

Yeah, that's true. What are you talking about? That's a good movie. I was obsessed with it when I was a little boy. But I- Honey, I Shrunk the kids. They fight an aunt and they, lead it around with a marshmallow.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying don't squeeze my thigh when you say that. Come on. Don't squeeze my thigh when you say that. Why? It's not okay. But you're doing nothing about it. There used to be a table in front. I have been silent about this for a whole year

when there was a table here. I have been squeezing you more. You have been squeezing my thigh too much. It's because it keeps you on track. No, it doesn't. It actually distracts me more. That's not possible. Physical touching. It distracts the out of me. Okay, I'll keep that

in my mind. I can't think if I get physically I just think it makes perfect sense for you to be somebody who knows. I know the names of movie characters because of movie trivia.

Yes. I need to be good at movie trivia. Movie trivia, is that a common? What was the last name of the characters from Honey I Shrunk the kids?

Zelensky. You'd kill that. Yeah. Is that one ever come up? Adam Zelensky. He's the kid with the glasses. Here's, oh, here's the trivia question

you'd kill that. Who is that one guy? from that one movie Kevin Corrigan Yeah most likely Yeah it's probably Kevin Corrigan Uh huh What's he in

No he's making fun of me about my trivia knowledge But now he wants to know what movies Kevin Corrigan's in I'm not making fun I have never made fun of you You have about knowing the last names of movie characters Rewing the toe defensive about it I don't think I'm making fun of you Ryan the episode he says you're definitely the guy who knows the last name of movie characters like that

You're definitely the guy It would make sense to me if that was something a knowledge. You're supposed to know the last names of movie characters. They put them in the credits. They usually put the last names of the actors in the credits. No, it depends on the type of movie.

Zodiac, Zodiac, they have the fucking last names of every character. And then when you see the character that doesn't have a last name, you're like, oh, shit, he wasn't that important. But then movies like fucking kids movies or whatever, it's like, oh, that's fucking Bopo. and then he's played by Adam Ray I shouldn't have leaked that

I signed a fucking NDA I signed a fucking NDA I wasn't supposed to release that well you know if he's retiring Dr. Phil it's only illogical he moved to Bopo right? The fuck are we gonna do

I know I'm like Adam Ray's retiring Dr. Phil real real talk at will this will irreparably change my Facebook algorithm yeah yeah it's over 90% of what I look out on Facebook is Adam Ray

Dr. Phil do you think that he He's going to like, do you think that the algorithm is going to push him more to make him do it again? He's going to bring it back. Dude, also, Dr. Phil's in this weird spot where, like, now people are going to know about him, like, going on ice raids and stuff. Because they don't think immediately of how funny he is on kill Tony. Wait, I'm sorry. Adam Ray is going on ice raids.

No, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil's going on ice raids. You haven't seen that? Really? I didn't either. Exactly. That's what I'm fucking saying. Dr. Phil was, like, going on ice raids with motherfuckers with a camera.

That's crazy. Do you think that the government? He's trying to do with, like a seagal type thing? I think that the government created Adam Ray's Dr. Phil character to distract from that because Dr. Phil is the architect of the ice raids. Dr. Phil's a bad man. Dr. Phil's not a good guy. Look what he did to that woman, bad baby.

Yeah. Nicole Burgoli. Danielle Bargoli. Well, and God knows what he did in Nicole. Nicole Burgoli is dead. Nicole Brigoli is dead. Remember that song? Yes.

I sing it every day. It's a good song. Every single day. I'm a fucking bitch in my socks. Make your kid rocks. Make your kid rock. Buy with a bye. That could have been a good line.

Oh, that's good as fuck. Yeah. Make your kid rock. Make your kid rock. Make your kid rock. I guess if she was a kid. What was that? What was that Hinchcliff bar that we came up with up here?

Oh, Hinch it from the back in that shit hole Puerto Rico. Yeah. Cameron said that he didn't say shit. He called it an island of trash. A island of garbage. Floating Island. Trump said shit hole country.

That's what you're thinking of. But I do still think it's. Yeah, I know. And here's what I'll say, too. I didn't, you made it sound like I finger up nerded, but I waited. It went on for a day or two before I said just so. That is true. I let it.

I let it have its day in the sun. I knew instantly that it was the case, but I let it. From the back in that shithole, Puerto Rico, bowling every Sunday with my cousin like I'm Nico. Yeah, I don't know who. Oh, Nico from each grandfellic. Yeah, yeah. But they don't.

Not really. But they are, he doesn't have a cousin. He's calling with his cousin. The whole joke. I don't remember that. Yeah. The whole joke there. The joke is kind of...

The joke is kind of... The meme was, it's like, Hey, cousin, want to go bowling. Yeah. Yeah. But in the bar, the joke is just that he goes bowling with his cousin. Yeah, it's like a little dicky bar. It's not a good one.

It's like... It's kind of like a... It's kind of a one player. Yeah. You never did the... You did the punchline first kind of... Yeah. Yeah.

Like Karnack, the rapper. Put the envelope on my head, say the punchline, and then do the rest of it. Oh. Oh, my God. That's cool. Karnak, the rapper. That's a good idea. Speaking of rap, I wanted to tell you about this.

Fuck of your shoes. You're so fucking walking you, walking around, walking around. I think he's lost his edge. What are you talking about? He's lost his edge. That's not a good bar at all. Fucking you, look at your shoes, walking around, walking around. How's that not a good bar?

It's not good, man. That sounds like fucking shit. Okay, you do a better bar. You sound like shit, man. You do a better bar. I just did mine. But that was a ring. That was a ring.

Hinch it from the back in that shithole, Puerto Rico. Bowling every Sunday like my cousin. Ballin every Sunday with my cousin like a Miko. You can't even finish your rhyme. At your grandma's house, female condoms. She a freak ho. Okay. Stuck the landing.

I could I give you props on that one? Yeah. Your grandma's a freak ho. No, she's not. Terry's a good lady. Not. Just kidding. I am gay.

likes Nico. Is that guy that guy gay? No, he's not gay. Oh, okay. Who's the gay one? You? Freiko. Me? Oh, I don't think that's right. Oh, what is his name? Wasn't one of those guys gay? He's the funny looking one. Oh, oh, sketch. Yeah, so that's what I was thinking of. Sketch owed our friend Jill $1,000 for like a long time. I think he still does. Yeah, I think she got it. Good. Yeah. I hope she does. Yeah.

The other day I was on the train, commuting home, and a guy, I get on, and there's a dude who's dressed like a minion. he's playing. He's got the JBL. Whoever at JBL thought it was a good idea to make a speaker with a carabiner on it. It's fucked up. That's insane. It's fucked up, yeah. It's supposed to be for like bike messengers. But they knew it, but even then, they shouldn't, yeah.

What? Put some headphones in if you're no, because thing that we, what are you talking about? Yeah, get hit by a fucking car. One less bike messenger. I don't give a fuck about. Oh, and one less envelope delivered. What's wrong with you? You're getting envelopes from bike messengers? Yeah. What are you getting, man?

You're getting your fucking McDonald's in an envelope? No, I'm getting $30. $30 delivered to me. Kyle is more to bike message it. I saw a bike messenger whose bike had a, they're like their container thing, the cooler, had a sticker on it. That's an unidentified fleeing object. That's cool.

Well, no, it was a typo. Like, instead of the Y in flying, it was an E. Like, it wasn't even fleeing. So it was like, it was fling. That's still cool. I still like that. Fleeing. Fling.

What if it was a band? Unidentified fling object. Maybe the guy's name is fling. Yeah. The guy's name is fling. But I just always think about that when I see a bicycle now. Yeah.

That's a fling. That's an unidentifiedified. Guys, just like a man who's got the JBL speaker here. And I walk in and he's listening to, uh, why do they put me here saying sit me next at Britney Spears, the Eminem song.

Mm-hmm. And, uh, he's like doing this. Without me? No. The, yeah, or I don't remember what song it is. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. that's without me because the music video's him and Dre and Dre is Batman and he's Robin. Oh, wait, no, that's real slim shady. He's listening to that. So he's listening to that and there's these like group of teenagers around them and they are just having the time of their lives. They're like

middle schoolers or high schoolers or something and they're laughing at him and he's kind of like mad about the fact that they're literally dressed as a minion or he just his clothes were the same color. All yellow blue accents. Okay. Okay. So sure pretty close to me yeah yeah yeah I got and he's listening to it

and he's definitely mad he's being prickly that these kids are like laughing and like one of the kids is like sitting next to him and every time his friends look at him he's like and then he turns over

to the guy and he was like this song's awesome and the guy kind of shittily was like do you really like this song do you really like this song? And the kid was like

Yeah, and he's like, oh, okay. And so he keeps playing music. And then as we keep going, and it's getting louder and louder. Yeah. And then at some point, I guess the kids maybe pissed him off or something. No. Because this guy on the train at 5 o'clock starts going with his phone connected to the speaker, starts going through on his Android, all of the different alarm sounds for the alarm on his phone.

And just clicking them and testing them. So it'll be, it's like, whew, woo, whew, whew, ah, ah, ah, ah, and he does this for the, for until he gets off at, at Marcy. So he did that for about four stops. Wow. As a revenge, I guess, on these kids, because they were making fun of them. But there was a point in there where I was like, this is driving me crazy. And then I looked around and every single person on the train was like smiling because it was, it was, it was more funny than it was annoying at some point. You should have, you should have knocked him out.

yeah he's probably about 50 years old because here's the two things man first of all he's endangering everyone's ear drums on the train yeah second of all he's basically trying to psychologically be violent against oh yeah and then one of the kids said what is that when he was going through the alarms and he said it's a bomb that was a pretty cool

the thing is I'm on no side here because obviously I don't I don't like a loud speaker he could have broken those children's hearts but then I also don't like teenagers And I don't like when teenagers are bullies I don't like when teenagers have fun Yeah I think that's wrong I hate when I did I used to not care

I used to be kids ever since I moved to the city And I've had to take the bus Kids need to mature earlier Yeah I agree what you've been thinking No no no no no no Don't let kids be kids make them adults immediately No legally they should be adults They should be adults at age 12

No no no no no no you go on the bus in this city You go on the bus If you want a bus in this city Then you need to be You need a lower age of adulthood. That's what I'm saying. It's not what I'm saying at all. Kids should be able to act like adults and do adults.

I used to be, I used to be, oh, whatever. Ah, fuck it. Who cares? No, I'm with you. I hate kids. Whatever. And then, oh, I had to wait for the bus. I had to wait on the train at 3 p.m. during school hours.

Yeah. Jesus Christ, someone has to corral these children. When kids get out of school, it's awful. It's bad. That's why we should have had Sliwa. Mm-hmm. He would put all them in jail and tried them as adults. Yeah.

That would have been nice. You've tried all of these kids as adults for chewing gum on the train. Which is a federal offense that no one talks about. Did the Guardian Angels do all that much? Yeah. I think that they're one of those things where they may be. Yeah, I guess they're one of those. It's just funny that you talk about them and then like people who are like really old will be like, oh my God, yes.

Yeah. And it's just like. But if I'm getting on a train, that any, that any, that any, vestige of that has carried, like, carried over enough for that guy. They got it from mayor. It's crazy. I think there's a couple cool photos back in the day. It's mostly great that they had a uniform.

Yeah. Yeah. But if I'm on a train he got shot in the belly or some shit and I shot five times. If I'm on the, if I'm on the train and a guy stabs me to death or shoots me. And then this guy comes up. Yeah, wouldn't you get a red hat on. He goes, wouldn't stop that right now? Put down that gun or

that knife. Wouldn't you rest easy? If you got that guy gets killed, you get stabbed in the chest you're instantly dead. Wouldn't your soul be able to rest a little easier knowing that a guy dressed as a park ranger was going to beat up the guy who just killed you and then go to jail for doing it? The thing was though,

the reason that he did anything was that he had an AM radio show. Curtis Lewa and he would just like just go on there and just like be like, well, these guys are doing this and like, ah, these guys are doing that. Like he would like, like the Gotti crime family shot him because he was like telling their business.

Oh, he wasn't shot by somebody on a... No, no, it was the Gabbis and the Gambino's tried to assassinate him in a taxi. Oh, because he was a snitching on the radio. For real? For real? For real? Listen, I want you to listen to the words I'm saying. He got...

It was attempted to be assassinated in the fake taxi. Yeah. He was George... That's what I'm telling you right now. George. George, listen to me. Yeah, George. Listen up George.

Curtis Lewa got in the fake taxi. He got in the fake taxi by accident and they shot him five times until he escaped out the window. Yeah. Fake taxi by accident. That's a rough start in the morning. He got in the fake taxi by accident. Oh, no, sorry. I actually, no, I actually don't need to go anywhere.

He didn't want to whip that thing out. And they were like, dude, hit me with the champagne. Oh, the fucking thing fell off the door. Oh, well, whatever. That's okay. Now they're going to see us with our wigs. Let the people see.

Oh, no. The fucking neighbor's going to see my wig. That's okay. The ship has sailed. Yeah. They know all about our lives. Yeah. They know, they hear every ounce of music that you play.

Yeah. That is true. They're listening to a lot of, Right now, a certain ratio. I've been getting into that. Which ratio? That's a band? One to one.

Which ratio? Rock and hip hop. One to one rocking hip hop. That's what you rock? I like that. Yeah. I'm playing Shaboozy and I'm playing Tom McDonald's.

I wouldn't say that's either of them. Playing Shaboozy and Tom McDonald. Same time. Tom McDonald, the guy from Roseanne? No, Tom McDonald is the white. racist rapper. Oh, wait, but isn't it also not from Roseanne? No, you're thinking

of Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold. Yeah. What is he from? He is from Roseanne's personal life. Personal life. Yeah. But what show he'd been on? He was on, he was in a movie called The Stupids with Bug Hall. Bug Hall probably listens to a lot

of Tom McDonald now. Crappy name. Yeah. Bug and Hall. Yeah. Not even a room. Yeah. Didn't even get Bug room. They got that at the zoo. Yeah. Bug hall.

They do have that. I hate that. I hate, that's the worst part of every zoo is when they say, you've been looking at lions, tigers, bears. Oh, my. Time to put you in a dark room where you can look at a bug this big. And the snakes are always hiding. You never can actually find any of the animals in there. The worst is gone.

Oh, yeah, this is the frog that's so good at being camouflaged. That you won't be able to see. And we put him on a stick that looks like him. If you want to get some entertainment and being in the dark, the dark, snake house at the zoo you should go with my mother-in-law because she really had made it a fun experience because she got very frightened by every snake and acted as if they were coming out of the glass when they were sorry potter yeah we would be looking at this at the snakes and then nothing would change nothing would move and she would go she would go and everyone around her

would jump snakes are bloody and that added a great amount of excitement to you had to stop you have to stop speaking that fucking parcel tongue you damn slather in no wait you're a raven claw No, Gryffindore. We did the text, right? Didn't, when he grew... He's huff. He's huff. No.

I got Hufflepuff. I think I did. I did the fucking Pottermore quiz. I did this quiz and I'm the Griffithor. No. Hey, Ravenclaw. I don't mind being Ravenclaw. What are we going to do with our new set?

I don't know. We got the whiteboard now, the blue board. You guys told me, okay. I know that you told me this because I have a pension of breaking things. I said don't touch anything. You told me not. to squeeze the brain, right? Yeah, correct.

And then I look at the label or the brain. What does it say on it? Squeeze me. It's being letters. Squeeze me brain. It's also a cheap brain. No, no, no, no, no. And I fully, I fully was like, okay, I won't squeeze it.

I won't squeeze it. I'm sorry for squeezing it as much. No, no, no, no. And then I turned it. And then I looked at the label and I said, it says, fucking squeeze me brain. No matter what it says, you have to accept that you are a breaker. You play with toys till they break

within five minutes You want to get your maximum out of toys in the first five seconds That's why we got rid of all the toys in here The chair I'm sitting in is broken by you

Because you said I bet I can break this chair And then broken Is that true? Yes What did you do? Patrick said These chairs are so flimsy

I bet I could break this chair right now And then he broke the back off of it I pulled the thing As hard as I could And two of our chairs Are broken from that It was a bit

bet that I said. There was no bet. You just said that. I bet I could. I actually hate you. I said I bet I could. You are the worst guy I know. That's not true. You know a worse guy than me. No, it's. Yeah. Well, you used to do open mics, man. You knew way worse guys to me. With you, dude. And you were the worst guy there. No, it was never the worst guy there. Yeah. No, no, no. Where's a stand-up? Yeah, those canceled guys were way better than me. They definitely were. They had more to say. Dude, we should have kept those guys. around is what you're saying. You know, they had their merits. Yeah. I, do you guys go to the grocery store around Thanksgiving and you see people who, I swear to God, have never been in a grocery store before. I saw a lady

the day who is trying to buy a turkey. These are the people that, like, delivery only. Like, that's literally, like young, young hipster people who are going in the grocery store like it's a zoo and looking excitedly at the potatoes and the turkey. They don't live like me. And it blew my mind. I saw that shit today. I went to the grocery store.

and I saw multiple young hipster couples who are walking around like this. At the grocery store? The grocery store, I see repeating people. I mean, I can't lie. They're walking around just going, turkey, turkey. Cranberry, cranberry. I see repeating people.

And there was new Thanksgiving spons at the gym too today. Really? I think a bunch of people just spawned in for the holiday. These might be people visiting home that are using the gym on a guest pass. They probably found out Zohron Winke.

came back because they're like, the gym's free. Yeah. Turns out you still have to pay for it. You have to pay for now. I do like the... But the grocery store was the crazy one. I expect that at the gym because it's turkey week you want to get... You want to get right to eat a lot.

I saw a lady was looking at the turkeys and they only had the like the organic kosher turkeys left. Yeah. And she was on the phone with somebody. She's like, ah, it's a fucking $60. Now I've got to pay $60 because it's kosher. What? Jews can eat this turkey so it's more expensive.

I was like Yes Yeah Yeah That is why it's more expensive Yeah And then I bar is taxing them Yeah

Yeah it's not right You saw on that shit yet You know what's Kind of dangerous I guess We're not dangerous Sorry you're gonna eat that So I shouldn't say that But it's a first I'm not gonna eat that much

Of the turkey Yeah Well but even one buy You don't have that ham Huh But guess what I'm doing I don't think there's gonna be ham this year Yes what I'm doing this

Well I'm glad that I'm not coming Until later this year Because if there's no ham I got a pretty small turkey. It's going to be gone. It's going to be gone by the time you get here. You know what I did is kind of dangerous? Well, it's gone.

I hate the raw turkey. Yeah, I ate the raw turkey. It wasn't frozen when I picked it up. Oh. Isn't that strange? That is strange. Yeah, I'd say that's pretty strange. I've never seen that before.

Dude, I fucking got... But it was it sold as frozen? I didn't say frozen on the front. Oh, that I probably... It was just in the turkey section. Usually there's a fucking huge... He went to Kiki Rickey River. I've been walking by a place.

A place by my house, it's a little deli, and they're selling Thanksgiving dinner items, and they're selling a whole roasted duck. Ooh. And every time I walk by it, I think about, should I pick one up? Should I pick it up? Yeah, because I should do like a whole, yeah, like a whole Peking duck for Thanksgiving. It's not going to be Peking. It's not going to be Peking, though. That's an interesting concept that we could do.

I have been wanting to do a five-spice pumpkin pie for some time. I put a little bit, I did that. Dude, dart and poison dart in your neck. No, no, no. It's going to be a flavor dart. It's going to be a flavor dart. What are you going to say here? Here is an amazing gravy hack.

A little bit, put a little bit of five spice pot. Yeah, young gravy's a hack. Yeah, come on now. Come on now. Come on now. Give me that. I'm just going to sip on this. Don't. Okay.

Nothing left. It's just a little bit of foam. But a little bit of five spice powder in the gravy. Like a little, like maybe like a fourth of a teaspoon. Depending on the five-spice powder that you buy. I'm doing... Oh, not the gravy, the cranberry sauce. Thank fucking God you change your mind.

Oh, my God, I forgot. No, the gravy is not good with the five-spice powder. Cranberry sauce with five-spice powder in it. Can I make the cups this year? The cups, can I make the cups? Yeah, I have no issue with that. I've never made cups before. You're going to fuck it up.

I don't think we had somebody to try to make it out of plastic. Just buy it at the fucking sauce. Just buy it at the fucking store, dude. Don't try to make it. By the time you get there, the cups are going to be gone. True. So you don't really have a say in this. So I'll bring my own.

No. I'll bring it out. Hey, Cameron made amazing cups this year. Shut up, dude. I brought my own. I don't care. Dude, seriously, try a cup. Dude, just try one of Cameron's cups.

Yeah. I brought my own cup. Oh, oh, looks like Cameron was making wabi-sabi-sobby-s. These things look like fucking shit. What's that mean? Oh, my God. You never took history of Asian arts. at Emerson College, did you?

No. I didn't take that. I took it and I dropped out after two semisters of Asian art. Yeah, I fucking wanted to have an I wanted to have an Asian art minor. He thought it was history of Asian farts when he signed up.

He thought it was deliciousness of Asian food. Deliciousness of Asian food. Deliciousness of Asian farts. I wish. I wish, bro. I was looking at paintings. Dude, I was looking at a fucking paintings. This is all fucking paintings, dude.

Yeah. Where's the fucking farts? Where's all the farts in this class? Come on. Come on. Not even one fart. Not even one fart. I'm, uh, she said wabi-sabi.

I thought, okay, now she's bringing out the wasabi. We're going to hear some spicy farts. Turns out it was like, turns out some fucking cup. You didn't even want to taste him. You just wanted to hear the point. Yeah. I thought it was listening to Farting in the back of a class like this. It's a class about audio engineering.

It's about making them. You all get a mixer. You have to mix the perfect fart into a soundtrack. That'd be cool. You know how they have like you can learn. If you do lighting and stuff, you can learn how to light like different skin tones. They had it like eight people have different parts.

You have to mix it differently. That's a class. That's a whole thing. It's a semester long. The Asian diet is so different than the American one that they sound different. I have too hard and the champagne went out my nose. Everything just went black and then a window's happened.

The champagne busted out my nose. Oh, that's okay. I couldn't believe that. It busted out. I was like... It busted out of your nose. That was like the thing. Like, you know, as a kid, it was like, oh my God, I laughed so hard the milk shot out my nose

at the lunch table. I've never seen that happen. I was never that just happened to me with champagne for the first time of my life. Oh, I left so hard my champagne. Came out my nose. I came out of my nose. Got a funny New Yorker cartoon and I laughed at him. The champagne.

Yo, free joke for Stewie. True. True. Stewie can't drink, though. That's the only problem. My non-alcoholic champagne. Oh, my God. Rupert?

Sparkling. You could say it to Rupert. Sparkling grape juice. My sparkling grape juice. My sparkling grape juice. You know, I never had milk flat my nose. I never was drinking so much milk. Yeah.

It was expensive. It's why your bones are so weak. Even then, I was a lot of kids. Try to break my arm right now. I'm sorry. If you had had milk as a kid, that wouldn't have bothered you. There's no way that actually hurt, though. my arm is not

you know that that was hard you know that was hard I could tell that was hard that was hard there's no way I'm strong enough to hurt it's already swelling up look at my arm that's not swelling that's a red tattoo I can't move it

you can't move his arm pat he can move it he can move it broke it that's not swelling dude it's a red tattoo no it's swelling on it's look it's swelling in these little dark lines no he has the dark Dark lines is an eagle that he drew.

No, look, look. He broke my arm. These dark lines are swelling out of his arm. Ow, that's my hair. These ones here? These are swelling out of his arms. Dude, we got to get these to stop swelling. Are these swelling out of any other part of your body? Am I showing you the right swell?

Wait, let me see. Ow! I wonder if this stuff is swelling on any other part of his body that we could see. That's hair? I wonder if we could see any other part of his body that's swelling on. I thought that was his veins. I didn't think that was hair. You can't.

Don't look at my penis. Do you have a hole in your crotch? Oh, yeah. Made you look two. Oh, I do have one. You have two, man. Wait, do you? How does that happen so much to you?

I don't. I bet it felt like Vietnam down there, man. I didn't touch. I didn't touch. I swear I didn't touch. Shit, it's humid. I can feel it just when I put my finger down here. Feels like the jungle.

Feels like the fucking jungle, man. That brings back a lot of memories. So, basically today's the day before the big one. The big one. Thanksgiving. Biggest day of the year. Can we just kill the turkey this year? Yeah.

Don't pardon him. Oh, yeah. Do you think that would be a big scandal if Trump didn't pardon the turkey? Has there ever been a president that hasn't? They refused to? Yeah. I don't think so. You think Pete Heggseth is talking to him like wormton?

Do you think if he didn't do that, that there would be a couple hours on MSNBC? Dude, this is the first president was used to follow the norm. The best daily show episode ever. That would go fucking, that would be the new tiny hands. That would go literally a million times platinum. It would be pretty big.

With your family. It would be pretty big if you didn't do that. With family members you haven't talked to in a while. Yes. At Thanksgiving. Which speaking of Yes. Yes. So tomorrow's Thanksgiving. And I assume a lot of people listening to this having a family. Are going home to see their family.

Congratulations. To those of you that aren't, to those of you that don't have a good relationship with your family or aren't going home for Thanksgiving. I'm cut out of their lives. If you've been maybe cut out of your family, tough shit. Why does the whole computer keep going black and freezing? Well, it can't be anything. So we decided that since that's tomorrow that you're going to have to go and talk to your family and some of those family members, if you know what I'm saying. those family members

we thought that we would provide you with a little training so it's a joke I did against Patrick earlier today and he just repeated against me I reverse card you sounded much more like Rick Sanchez when I did it to you no I didn't Morty I'm not name is Morty

I'm not named as Morty though Rick I'm not name is Morty we're going to do a training and basically to help you to interact with the different members, those members that you don't know how to have the right conversation today, because, Cam, you're dressed up as. I am that, that one nephew.

Patrick, you are. I'm that one uncle. And I am your lesbian aunt's funny roommate. Yeah, or your aunt's female roommate. Yeah, we don't have to bring lesbians into it. I think that to really thread the needle is your aunt, your aunt's new roommate. Fuck toy. No, don't say aunt's fuck toy.

why not your aunt's literally I don't I don't want to think about my aunt so I just figured we could run through some scenarios

and kind of role play what Thanksgiving would like let me think about Thanksgiving would like I don't have a younger cousin you know me

I have some younger cousins I do have a lot but not that I go to Thanksgiving with I have a 9 year old cousin but I'm a nephew which maybe I should be a cousin instead

nephew slash cousin I have we can you know your nephew and your cousin a dozen yeah a nousin Yeah. That one dozen.

Yeah. Y'all know when you go home to Thanksgiving, you got to talk to that one dozen. And you, wait. Who are you again, Pat? Your uncle? I'm the uncle. That one uncle. Yeah.

And I'm the aunts. You're the aunt's friend. The aunt's roommate. All right. Sorry. Yeah. The aunt's special friend. The aunt's special friend slash roommate.

Yeah. The very special friend. As she kind of does this to my shoulder. Yeah. My very special friend. Um. So much here. that's from Joe's Jamiriqui costume

oh why did he have this because that was how he dragged the chair oh by the way guys excellent costume I didn't see that I didn't see him dragging the chair I wish I saw that

I think he just did it very briefly but it was pretty cool yeah pretty cool he made his own hat 10 out of 10 Halloween costume not as good as Kenny but pretty good no Kenny was

mid Kenny was a repeated multiples many times times yeah well that's only because i went to a halloween party where i was the only person there dressed up and i was dressed up as canny which halloween party whoa uh nothing dude oh it's the one i didn't go to yeah was that one but that's why you think it was repeated it was only repeated it was repeated three times what was the other Halloween party Joe box counts not a Halloween party counts you

connecting us makes me happy I like being with you nobody is going to know because now we're a guitar as a as a

sounds really good can you play anything on it that we would know maybe I can do the South Park scene song hold on on

on you know you know what You know the part in the South Park song? It goes, brun-na-na-na-na-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-don. Can you play the King of the Hill theme song right now on that? I think I may need a little bit more slack.

Hold on. Okay. And it's the theme of it goes on. And that's the song. It's the full thing. The theme song is that? The theme song is that? The theme song for this episode?

The theme song for this episode is that. And then just in the middle of it, just a couple of grunts like, come on. They're going to need a little more slack. That's good. Okay, we need a topic that would come up at a family dinner. Politics is the number one training. Politics.

Okay, so as your aunt's fucked toy. The gauntlet here. Okay, the three levels, the three levels of awkward Thanksgiving conversation, right? Politics, base level, right? Sure. That one is always, someone's going to step in and go. To me, that's the bottom of the iceberg with the scary whale photo. No, no, that's the top of the iceberg.

The bottom of the iceberg is. Let's just do the Thanksgiving iceberg. Small talk. Can you look up. If there's a Thanksgiving iceberg. Yeah, that's a good idea. I think small talk is the top of the iceberg. I think politics is the middle.

Politics is the middle. Bottom is sexual. Grandmas inheritance. Family money problems. Grandma's inheritance and sexual proclivities of regarding grandma. Uncle, grandma, and father. Yes.

Does that come up that much sex at Thanksgiving? Well, that's why it's the bottom of the iceberg. You know Thanksgiving's fucked up if it's coming up. It's coming. Hey. Hey, aunt's roommate, it's coming up if you're there. That's what I'm saying. That is true.

That's coming up. It's there. Yeah. That'd be like, that'd be like, that's like when, and then that one uncle was like, so how do you guys even do it? Yep. Well, why are you guys even? I know.

How do you guys? I'm trying to start it, kick it off. Y'all just slap them things together? Yeah. Yeah, that's what we do, Aaron. We slap them together. Why are you getting all pissy at me? I'm not getting pissy at me.

Why are you getting all pissy at me? Hey, guys, I think that our other family member wants to say something. we know that's you no that's that's the watch that's oh the viewer so then so you guys so then yeah okay well what do you got to say

you yeah oh my god you're the worst of the four of us I know we were I'm just a little 12 year old kid who wanted to talk about lesbianism I just want to talk about lesbian as well if you seriously want to talk about lesbianism I want you to know I'm completely open

me too I'm open as well What is it like to see Or why do you like Long hair Long hair Well typically long hair is on girls And I don't man

You don't man I don't man I don't man That's the easiest way to confirm it I don't man Yeah I girl As a lesbian Would you ever

Watch Daniel Tiger with me You're 12 And you're still watching Daniel Tiger I don't like that shit. What are you a fucking pussy? I would. I would. I would because as a lesbian.

I'm going to snap one day. I'll watch anything and I'm going to kill you. I'll watch anything on PBS. I'm going to ignore that last part. But because I'm a lesbian. What would you do in that situation? You're in that one guy's as to your aunt's lesbian roommate.

One day I'm going to snap and I'm going to kill you. I don't think we, I don't think we introduced this as the what would you do simulator. It's a role play simulation. Uh-huh. So you're, okay, right now. Introduce it. Okay. All right.

So right now, you must be sitting at your computer table on your phone. Maybe your TV in your living room. You're watching this. Full Thanksgiving spread because tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is tea day. You have a full plastic food spread to practice. Yeah. Uh-huh.

And we are simulating your worst family members. And then maybe, yeah. So let's just go. Let's jump into a conversation. And then at one point, we'll turn to you. And film your response with the Thanksgiving, pal, Thanksgiving challenge. With the hashtag, Thanksgiving. And we'll see it because we're also proud to that hashtag.

This is like Daniel Tiger. Yes. It actually is a lot like Daniel Tiger. Two plus two is. What is it? So it's like that. You influenced it. So I've been.

I didn't even realize how much this is like. Here, I'll kick off the. I'll kick off the conversation this time for the segment of conversation. Recently at school, kids have been following me into the bathroom stall and putting my pants off and putting my water on me. Really? Recently at the spa, something similar has been happening to me, but I don't mind. Yeah, and that happens to me at work with my manager, who's honestly, I wish I could complain about, but he's high up and he's in cahoots with the HR person because they're fucking on the side. and I'm not supposed to say that

In front of the kids What does fucking on the side mean? I'm not supposed to say that in front of my kid First of all, you're not allowed to cuss Try that again So can I see you in the other room right now? Can I see you in the other room right now? Yes.

Okay. Break out. Break out. You don't ever fucking embarrass me like that In front of that. It's front of your aunt's friend. I'm trying to fuck her. I'm trying to fuck your aunt's friend.

She's her roommate. We come back. He is. We're back. Hey, what is your face so red, little cousin? I got embarrassed by seeing a bug. What was so embarrassing to you about that? I don't have English anymore.

Okay. Very interesting. What were we talking about again? The kids are billing you? What does it mean to be a kid of a billion? What do you need to do is you need to walk? You need to walk up to those kids that are bullying you. pants up. You say, hey, kids. Pull my pants up after I walk up to them.

Pull your pants up. Which I think is bullier. You need to walk up to those kids or pull it your pants up because you're walking down with your penis out. You're saying, why don't you think? Pull them up. What do you think? Or they pull it up and now you're all bears and you say, hey, guys, Obama's the president now. No, he's not been the president for years, not my president. Never was. Still my damn. Never was my president. Say Bill Nyes is your president? Obama is my president. So, no. You need to say, hey, Obama's a president now. No, don't listen to this.

You can't be doing all this. Don't listen to this liberal bullshit, okay. William McKinley is still your president. Sir William McKinley, or president, William McKinley is still your president. Okay. And what does it mean? To be the president? To be dismembered.

To be dismembered? Are they dismembering you at damn school and you're not telling me about that? Are you fucking serious right now? They're dismembering you at school and I don't even hear from my fucking principal about it. I need to talk to your teacher about that. Okay. Or you can talk to me right now. The teacher's here also.

Here, I'll show you. I'll show you what dismembering looks like. I just, you know, imagine there's a turkey. You rip me apart? No, yank the turkey. You pull the turkey in half. That's what dismemberment looks like. As you were trying to serve yourself a piece of turkey.

It got ripped up. It got ripped up. So think about what you would do in that scenario. Write it down on a piece of paper. fold it up, swallow it. Because that's the closest it can get to your brain. Just the closest it can get to your heart and brain. True.

Then you'll carry that with you tomorrow. If you swallow a piece of paper, it passes by your heart. It passes by your heart on its way to your brain. And it ingests and goes to your brain. Yeah. What other, I'm trying to think of the worst conversation I ever had at Thanksgiving. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I don't think, I think I've never had a really bad one.

I've had bad ones, but it's. There have been bad ones when I was really little, I think. About two. My uncle, I think, was really high with, I think my uncle and my cousin went on a cousin walk one year. Oh, shit. And I realized this much later because they came back and my uncle kept making jokes about how he was seeing photosynthesis happen in the ham. And he was saying it to my cousin to make him laugh. And only my cousin was laughing.

It was my uncle. What does it mean, though? He, I don't know what it means, but he looked at it and he went, I think I'm seeing photosynthesis in this ma. Oh, yeah, that was the other thing is they started saying ham backwards to each other. How did you remember it in that order? I forgot about that. I'm saying, what the fuck? You actually just, oh my God, dazzled.

In this ma. They said, my uncle Jack, RIP, said to my cousin. And he's dead. Yeah. Yeah, so we can't ask him. Young death, sad. He said to my cousin, he said that he's like, look, I'm witnessing photosynthesis in this ma. And I was like, mom, what are they, what the fuck are they talking about?

And my mom was like, don't worry about it. It's some grown-up shit. It's some grown-up shit. Don't worry about it is real as fuck. Yeah. That's how you know you stumble into somewhere you should not be. I was nine years old. I remember asking that question.

Before I learned about weed. That was what I heard when I saw Jana Jackson's breast. exposed at the Super Bowl. Don't worry about it. What did he do to her? My uncle Kevin stood up. Little did she know it become my lifelong obsession to solve that crime. My uncle Kevin, also RIP, saw that and he stood up.

I would not, you couldn't pay me to be your uncle. You wish you were one of my uncles. The most dangerous job in America. According to the last two, yeah. I don't know if I want to do that. But he stood up, pointed at the TV and screamed, I saw a fucking titty. And I said, what's that? And again, don't worry about it.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry about it. That's just your uncle. He said, I saw a fucking titty. That's a fucking titty. Rewind it. Rewind it.

Do you have a VCR? They did. They didn't. Dude, this is 0.4. They didn't have TV yet. That was gone forever. I do remember that being like,

damn. I really wish I could see that again. Yeah. I didn't see it. I didn't see it. I missed it because I was playing with toys. I saw it. And I wouldn't say I was watching any part of the Super Bowl.

And I remember just seeing that part. And do you remember it? I feel like a, I feel like a mad. scientist implanted that into your brain. Could be that, too. The memory of seeing that. Yeah.

Could be that too. I think you knew it would drive you mad. My grandpa died shortly. My great grandpa died shortly after that. In connection with? I think that it was caused. We want to talk about a butterfly effect. Yes, I do.

Some ho's titty gets shown on national television. Some ho. She's Janet Jackson. Millions of number one hit songs. Like what? Name one Janet Jackson. Uncle is uncleing again. Yeah.

Defending Janet Jackson. Mm-hmm. I'm a lesbian. be in. I can call women hoes. No, that's not true. You can't call Janet Jackson a hoe. Yes, I can. But family, I thought hos were used in the garden. Yeah, they

are. And they're not used for just sex. No, they're used for just sex. I'm learning a lot about the world. You're 12 years old, okay? I know that you are like, yeah, six, seven. You know, yeah, I, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know I think Uncle wants to show us his trick. He's been practicing

for Thanksgiving. Okay. Yeah, so basically I come in, I say, guys, my dad has been practicing a trick. He hasn't even shown me yet, but he's been talking about it. That's your father? Yeah.

Wow. And he wants to perform. All right. Okay, no, no, do it. You got to sit down to sit down to do it. Yeah. Shouldn't I stand to do it? Because you should be on camera.

Why would you stand? I thought I was going to show it to only you. I thought it was a trick for you. You're a professional broadcaster, my friend. The trick for just my son. You're getting too into the, into the, you're lost in your character. You become Jared Leto. What do you mean I'm Jared Leto?

Scary. What was that, boys? What do you mean? I'm Jared Leto. You hit me. Remember before I turned into a lesbian, you hit my arm. I'm Jared Leto. Okay.

I think about, well, yeah, I, okay, in this scenario, now I'm a different guy. I'm an older guy. I'm, I'm your dad. I'm your dad. I'm your dad. And I'm saying, hey, put her there. Nice to meet you. Yeah.

Nice to me You're still listening Everyone settle down Settle down My son has a trick He's been And you're still an adult uncle You're still middle-aged

My son has been talking All my ear off all week On the VOL telephone About this trick He's been practicing You really want to show Kids gather around Now I don't understand

The trick myself But I'm told that y'all You will really enjoy this Go ahead And then this is you at home You're the kids Six, seven, seven, That's pretty interesting.

So, little sir. We were laughing so hard before about an uncle. Your uncle pulling out a puppet. And that's the only thing he does he's doing, and he's doing the ventriloquist with it. He's going to be a ventriloquist with it.

You're going, six, six, seven. Sex son Sex soon It doesn't move till after That would You know

If my uncle Had shown me that And said God what If he had said Sing the troll A lull song Or something

That would have been Yeah That would have been big For me Yeah My uncle Mike did that I still remember One of my uncle's friends

Doing it Like He was like Oh I can do impressions but then he was just like doing black voice and it was it blew my mind did he say here's my impression of a black guy no no no no what who was he was he was uh he was my impression of jimmy carter no no he was just doing like impressions like he was just doing voices that was his thing his name was Sean and Sean would just do voices and a lot of them were Jamaican voices and

he was just doing this one thing where he's going like uh he was talking about wearing jeans in 90 degree weather in a Jamaican voice it was probably stolen but i was just doing this one I remember, as a kid, as a kid, I was like, holy shit, doing voices is the coolest thing you can do. Dude, how bad does that hurt when you grow up your whole life? Yeah. Man, my uncle's funny. Find out, Chris Rock joke. Here comes the blue collar comedy tour.

Here comes the first 10 minutes of a Jeff Dunham special. Yeah. Here comes Fluffy. Yeah, my family, almost everyone in my family was stealing fluffy jokes. Fluffy was getting. But like late period, fluffy jokes where he's like, I was just in some. Saudi Arabia. Yeah.

It's like that doesn't make so much sense. Yeah. You know someone's doing a stealing a fluffy joke when they switch into the voice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, but, uh, yeah, I was in Saudi Arabia. What?

Excuse me? So, I have a million dollars now. I'm actually not fat. He did lose a lot of weight. You're really skinny. He didn't lose a lot of weight. You're really skinny, Uncle Joe. You're like 100 pounds.

I don't know why you're saying you're not fat. I'm fluffy. I'm actually fluffy. You were never fat. Yeah. I watch. watched a fucking I took a it was I forget what fucking politics class I took at Emerson but my professor showed us a clip of fluffy going to Saudi Arabia and it was like a

tour documentary and it was him telling us about how Saudi Arabia is actually chill it was your professor did that yeah it was the professor that I think I've talked about him before the professor that I had that told us that he did PR for Saudi Arabia after 9-11 and he was still doing it teaching at a fucking shitty college Whoa Told you about that guy I've never heard that I told you about that guy

Like the first week I met you guys Well that was a long time ago Yeah That's something that you would remember Someone on our sketch troop Also took a class with him And told me

Like some shit about him That I won't say on the show Okay There's some weird family stuff That they learned Seems like you're gonna say it It was gossip about a teacher And back then

That was worth more than gold That is true. Gossip about a professor. Gossip about a professor's life. Yeah. He's dating that 21-year-old student. So, that was that it? And then meanwhile, I grow older.

Okay. I grow older and I think that stuff is juvenile. Yeah. What is the point of even talking about a professor dating a 21-year-old student? Yeah. Can we just let that shit slide for once now that I'm not in college? Seriously. Now that I don't know either of those people.

Yeah. Now that those people are happily married and I used to care. a lot about that type of thing. Vermont together? Yeah. I used to be active. I, D, G, A. I don't give a fuck.

It's crazy because you're actually singing and F-M-L-D. No, you stay the same. That was beautiful. That was bad. I was off. That was beautiful. I think I'm going to become a same. singer. I did so much karaoke

the night. You did. We were all there. I know. I have a video of it. I know. You do? No. I've never watched a video of me doing karaoke. That's not something you want. That's a big thing to do. Never too much. Oh, that was when I was really drunk. Dude, you were, I thought you were bodying it.

And then I watched the video the next day. And I was like, man, we were hammered. You thought I was bodying it? I was like, dude, Caleb sounds like Luther. You know what? I'm thinking back to it. And I I think I probably was really drunk because I was just thinking wow everyone is doing so yeah everyone sounds incredible tonight dude I thought I sounded amazing

yeah that is a thing that you think yeah I was singing the cure yeah I remember doing the kid rock oh what's the song I put your picture yes I did that with my brother yeah and I and my dad was like

I got off stage my dad's all drunk he's like you really fucking sounded like the real song and then he texted me the next day he's texting me a video of he's like you didn't you sounded terrible yeah it's not anything like yeah it really is magic bro I don't think it's something it should be illegal to film care yeah yeah should be the bags from the Dave Chappelle

yes yeah they put it yes dude but you know what it is is that the phone is digitally true digitally changes the timbre does it not it digitally changes the timbre but also it is like that diligently digitally combat me it needs to be mixed properly it digitally deletes certain elements of your performance is it digitally deleting

that reverb that they put on the microphone. Yes, the reverb does make everything sound good. The reverb makes you sound amazing. That's, I think, going to be by New Year's resolution this year, guys, is to do more karaoke. Yes. I mean, I had the time of my life. Every time I do karaoke, I have the best, I have the best time, and I don't do it

enough. I don't do it enough. I thought I was literally, I thought I sounded like Billy Idol when I was singing Eyes Without a Face. I don't remember. I thought I sounded like Billy Eilish when I was singing a happy birthday last year. I did sound like Usher though when I did same girl. You did sound, yeah. It was great, dude, we were all, I thought we were all bodying that.

I saw the videos the next day. I was like, Jesus Christ, we all sound like dying cuts. You took videos of everybody? Yeah, I took a videos of everyone on my camera. That's not right. That's wrong. That's blackmail. No, no, every single person that went up. I took a video.

Why? To fucking remember everything. No, I took a video of Caleb, just the one video. Just me? Yeah. Of my worst performance. Because I thought you sounded like Luther Vandros, dude. I was like, this is crazy.

I got to get that. Dude, I had two white claws surge. I had two white claws. surgeon. I was like, my boy sounds beautiful. Wow. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. But you sounded like fucking shit. But buddy, you sounded like shit. But buddy. You called me butt buddy. I did not call you butt buddy.

He said, but, buddy. He said, but, comma, buddy. No, no, no. Joe, did karaoke? Started just sitting in a chair. Yeah, Joe sat down and we all yelled at him. His first time ever doing karaoke. Yeah. We all. He started out of the song and sat down in a chair. And that was rather funny. That shit wasn't fucking right. We all yelled it. We were like, stand. Stand up now. Stand up now. And what did he do?

He stood up. Sitting down during karaoke, though, that is, that is not good. You can't be doing that. Last time I did karaoke with my dad, he was so trash. And I have a video of him just on stage doing this. And also he did, we didn't start the fire. He's like this. He's like sitting on a bar so and he's like,

ha, son, finding him, hang him into fucking way. When we were at karaoke another time, there was this couple who came in and the girl did, like, took the mic and was trying to do some Rihanna song, but was like, I don't know what was going on, but she was just singing so quietly that the microphone couldn't even pick her up. Like she had the microphone like this and it was like the Rihanna song like Instrumental was playing and she was going like. And then they called over the bartender We're like, I think the microphone's not working. Yeah. Dude, karaoke's fun. I'm done to do more karaoke this year.

My dad used to just go next year, bro. When my dad was... The year's almost over. You're right. Back when my dad was drinking. I'm done to it one more time before we do. Yeah, we got to do it one more time before. But back when my dad was drinking, he would just...

His buddy would, like, be like, the house band for this restaurant in our hometown. And my mom would send me videos at, like, 11. at night and it was just like my dad taking the mic from the guy and like singing with him it's like a restaurant of people my dad's singing like

more than a woman not karaoke just like he wants to sing they always him and this guy Joe always sing the BGs together and it's my dad my dad would get fucking hammered and then just sing more than a woman

and shit it's like dude also the thing was that he would sit down on stage with so he's like at the piano my desk that's like my favorite my favorite commercial yeah what's your favorite commercial for one of those like ozempic style drugs but it's like we govy

no it's uh i think it's uh ebglis is for eczema I believe why they licensed the I think it's Mount Jaro Frank Ocean thing but but it's um I've definitely told you guys about this before but it's everyone should watch this commercial is the funniest commercial ever unintentionally guys. It's fucking unintentionally out of context funny. But it's a guy. He's like a barber and he's cutting someone's hair. And then it's like the guy gives him a flyer to go to a concert. And he's like,

I've seen this one. Okay. And he puts on his hat, his like fedora. And he's like, I'll go to the concert. And then he goes to the concert. And then they're playing. And then the guys on stage go like, oh, I've seen that. Yeah. Point to him and they're like, come. And he goes like. And he plays drone. And then they're like, no, come on. And he's like, ah, okay. And he stands up. And he just starts playing the drums. The message of the commercial. Hey, let's get that skinny guy. Let's grab him out of the crowd.

The message of the commercial is once you start doing. It's just so funny that it starts with him as a barber and he gets roped into going to a concert. Can you imagine you get handed a flyer to a concert that you didn't know about it? You're like, fuck it. I'll go. And then you get there and they're like, yo. Come on, bro. Get up here.

And make you play a most of a commercial, dude. Come up here. Don't sing. Play the drums, man. The rhythm. Play the drums. Yeah. Get up here.

Get up here and play the fucking drums, man. And you could do this if you were fat. You could not do this if you were fat. Being like, yeah. No, no. And then everyone's like, yay. All right. Get him on.

The fucking nightmare. The dread. When they call, they point to you, and you're like, no, I don't know how to play. I don't want to go play the drums.

And everyone around and he was like, come on. Go play the drums. Also, go. Yeah, that's like the implication of that commercial, though, is that, like, this drug is going to make you good at the drums. Yeah, it's going to, well, it's going to give you your swag, man. It gives you everything. It gives you everything you need because he also gives a good haircut.

He wears his hat that he likes. Yeah, the Trilby. Yeah. Yeah, you got to, and you, when everywhere, how like that, you've got to go. Uh-huh. I do this thing. I mean, that took me some years to learn. I learned that pretty easy.

I know how to fly around on a hat. I'm going to be that type of bald guy when I'm 40. You're going to wear the Trilby? Trilby, Dickie's work shirt, 17-inch long, Dickie's pants. Well, wait, 17-inch long. That's not that long. That's not that long.

17-inch, bro. 17-inch inseam would be like to here. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's down to here. You measure it's the 17-inch inseam would be right here. From here? Yeah, you measure from here.

From this. From this area. This is your inseam. From here? This is the inseam. Right here. This is the end-inching would be to your... To here.

Does it start from the back back here? No, it's It starts from, it's literally on this part. No. Is it down that? Dude, you can I smell where it starts from? You can smell if you want, but it's not going to be a good idea. I need to smell the rights.

It's not going to be a good idea. Hold on, yeah. I'm a different kind of tailor. I need to. I'm an old school Italian tailor. This is how we do it in an old country. There were kids at the post. I'm not like to learn somehow.

That's on them. They're eavesdropping. They're looking. Yeah, we need to close that gate. We got to get something, too. Where are we out on time? We're an hour 18. All right.

I got to go make some dinner. Yeah. So I guess we fell out of the idea. to be honest, we are pretty fried from building this stuff. We've been here since like noon building this crap. So, yeah. And we're still got some finishing touches to put, which is exciting, but

hopefully you guys like it. I hope you guys like it. A blast and from the future. This weekend we have a report that we're doing on the Patreon. We'll see. Are we doing that? We'll see. I don't. Yeah. We should, we want, I can't promise it, but yeah. Well, it will be coming. We're not going to. If we don't do it next week, we'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it another week. Yeah.

We'll do a report. We'll do a report. We'll do a report. Okay, bye. Goodbye. Is your shirt olio or hydrophobic? Is your shirt, oleophobic? Is it oleophobic?

Is it oleolio? Your shirt, oh, like that pasta with the oil? Now it's, now it's getting absorbed. I was going to say, it would be cool if he had a hydrophobic shirt. Doesn't understand time. Oh, now it's getting absorbed. Well, it was due as dropwood sitting. I don't like that you're staring at my body when I don't.

wet t-shirt. Yeah, that is kind of strange. Oh, my God, you have so many droplets on you still. I know. Is this shirt hydrophobic? No, it's a fucking normal shirt. He sprayed himself with that spray from journeys, dude, the hydrophobic spray. The one that goes on shoes? Yeah. Why would I do that? Well, let's put it to the test. Dump that whole

bottle on yourself. I practically did. Dump the whole rest of it. The droplets are all gone. They've absorbed. No, dude, I swear my shirt's not hydrophobic. That's how you sound. I do sound that way, and that's what I'm saying. Prove it's not hydrophobic right now. He did. He did. They absorbed. I fully proved it. But how do we know that you didn't plant a part of your shirt that was not sprayed with the hydrophobic experience?

Yours is it? Fruci is. Fucking God, why don't I do that? Yours fully as hydrophobic. Wait, stay standing up. It looks like I pissed myself. It's exactly where I would pee. And now I have to sit in a wet chair.

Why did I do that? It was all a trick.