Podcast About List - Ep. #381 - APRIL FUDD'S | Fudd's Comedy Club presents New Material Night

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

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Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Welcome to Fudd's Comedy Club. We've got a great show for you tonight. I'm your host Joe. I'm going to start off with a little bit of a little bit of stand-up comedy and then we're going to get after the show. It's going to be a really good time. I wrote my set down a little bit. So, uh, new material. It's new. It's new. I'm working. I'm working shopping a couple things. It's actually new material. Night at Fudge Comedy Club. No, no, keep going. It is new material night. We know what we're getting into here today. Yo, yo, yo. What it is, Fud's Comedy Club. It's me walking down, J.G.

Yeah, you heard me from Joe Box. So you may know me from Joe Box, but what you might not know from my name is, what you might not know me from is my name being on the National Sex Offender Registry. Oh, hell no, no, no. No, but really, folks, I am a nonce. Yeah, a non-sequitur enthusiast. Whoa, that's good.

Yeah, comedy fans know what that is. No, no, no, no, I kid. No sexual stuff here. I'm just here to say, my name is Spider-Man boy from now on. I want to be known as Spider-Man boy. I'm coming up on 30 years old in a few years, and I want to be known as Spider-Man Boy. Until then.

Then go back to be known as Joe. But for the next couple of years, I hope that you will all call me Spider-Man boy. Yeah, sure. Speaking of Spider-Man, I was reading a fucking comic yesterday. Yeah, the funny pages from the newspaper. Why is it whenever you read those things,

you're like, I could totally write a better comic. So what I'm going to do right now is show you guys the comic that I wrote. The comic is called Spider-Man, but funny. and in what episode of the comic he shows off his red and blue dick yeah his red and blue dick shoots webs and the webs are his jizz

and his ball sack is two spiders but seriously guys Iran situation is scaring me I'm scared I'm scared because I ran away from all the conflict because I get worried though honestly because what if the United

States military accidentally mixes up, mixes a run-up with me and kills me with a nuclear bomb, I'd be like divine impression. Oh, hell no, no, no. Shoot to escape. I'm working on some new stuff. It really depends on which version of Spider-Man I'm reflecting. It's so long. Because there's also Cosmic Spider-Man. Ain't nobody want to hear about no cosmic Spider-Man. Ain't nobody want to hear about no Cosmic Spider-Man. We want to hear about jizz on titties. Who loves jizz on titties? Let me get a round of applause.

Here, you guys. Yeah. All right. Let me call my dad real quick. Dad, I'm Joe. Yep, that's based on a real phone call I had with my dad. That's when I told him my name. And now I'm going to have to do it all over again to tell him I'm Spider-Man boy.

Now. All right. So give me a second while I pull up my dad. phone number and I call my dad and tell him my name is Spider-Man boy I can't do that and then say wrong person I'll say I'm Spider-Man boy wrong person

say sorry I meant I bet just say I'm Spider-Man boy and then say don't do transcription just to have it be an actual voice member yeah and say sorry I meant to send that to my friend Pat there you go Sorry, I meant to send that to my friend Pat, Siri messed up.

I'm just saying if you want to, if you want an out. Wow. That what an absolutely riveting phone call from my dad. I'm British now. Yes. In England, they probably call him spider bloke, lad. And seriously, folks, in England, we drink so much fucking tea. Yeah, Tifa Trent, which is a city in England,

or it's a town on this village Stoke upon Trent. So I lost a loved one recently. Yeah, one of my socks in the dryer, my favorite pair, which is spider bloke. Glad if you remember from earlier, I'm in the UK, but in the U.S., it's Spider-Man boy, which I've already called my father about as you do. Remember, let's give it up.

So I'm back to being normal. I'm not British anymore. And I have to tell you guys a story about a weird interaction I had at Starbucks. So I'm going in there to get my Mint Majesty tea, two sugars, as I usually do, because I am often on vocal rest and this dumb fucking bitch behind the counter

can't hear me, slut. I say to this dumbass ho bitch, you ain't never met someone named Spider-Man boy before. and she's all like, it's called Eventi. And I said, bitch, I said that already. I'm talking about my new, my full new legal name, which is Spider-Man Boy,

a name in which I'm proud of. How much is left on this page? It's from my fucking lineage. All right, all right. Enough about Spider-Man Boy. All right, all right, enough. Let me tell you about what my friends are doing shortly before this. They're playing Spider-Man 2 on GameCube.

In fact, that's how I came up with the idea to name myself, Spider-Man Boy. This is really new material. Yeah. Yeah, fresh off the mind, man. I wrote it down really fast. Now, let me see y'all motherfuckers dance. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

All right. Give me some of that chocolate chunky stuff. Let me see that stuff from your butt. I'm Spider-Man Boy here to bust nut. All right. Sorry for being weird, but when I was a kid, I used to play with a pony stick.

Yeah, a stick pony, basically the only toy I had because I was so fucking poor. Yeah, I was so fucking poor that I didn't have any Spider-Man toys. I only had a ball in a cup stick pony Lincoln logs. And when all my toys got boring,

I did jumping jacks when my parents weren't home. I'd love to go into their closets and I would do so many fucking jumping jacks. But enough about me. Let's get this motherfucking show started. I'm Spider-Man Boy and welcome to Jackass. Thank you guys.

What an amazing set. First up to the stage, we have You know him, you love him. It's Patrick Doran. That was great, Spider-Man Boy. Keep it going for Spider-Man Boy. I mean, come on. Oh, my God. Keep it going for Spider-Man boy.

guys yo yo I was with my side chick and then my girlfriend showed up and it became like a bad Pokemon battle

bitchichu versus Hoazard yep age is just a number sometimes I'm 36 but I look 420

so So if certain things crossing in front of your path in front of you means bad luck, then what kind of bad, like, what kind of luck is it when black pussy crosses across your bed? Okay. So if certain things crossing your path in front of you means bad luck. Yeah. Then what kind of luck is it when black pussy crosses across your bed? You still can't get that out.

You're having issues with your new material. That's how it's written. Oh, okay. So, yo, my cousin Jane is a dumb hooker. She's not dumb because she's a hooker, but she's dumb and a hooker. She thinks a whole punch is something a pimp does when she's laid on cash for the day.

That was good. She's so dumb, she had buy one, get one free head coupons made up. That's, yeah. And don't even ask about it. the groupons. Yeah. A blowbeng.

But seriously, I know a girl who's a ho for show. Yep, I won't need names. Jane. But yeah, seriously, if you put her fucking pussy to your ear like a seashell, you'll basically hear the last guy

that she had sex with jizzing. Can you do an act out of that? Do we have a seashell in here? No. So did you hear about the stripper who went from the pole to church? Yeah, my cousin Jane. Yeah, she was a real holy poler. Uh-huh.

Your singles went from her G-string to the offering. Do you all think the rest of the days of the week be hating on Tuesday for being the day of the taco? Like Sunday, be like, I'm the day of the Lord. Tuesday, be like, I got a taco meat, a hard shell, and cheese dripping. And I'm the day of the taco. And Monday starts to talk, and they shut that shit down immediately. No one likes a Monday. And you know Friday and Saturday trying to be keeping the peace with some music and beer pong.

Yeah, give it up for Friday and Saturday. I try not to cuss around my four-year-old. But some of the words that people are, say in a place of a cuss word, kind of weird. Sometimes, like, I went to pick her up from school the other day, and her teacher was like, yeah, real spooky-dooky day. And I'm like, spooky-dooky day? What the fuck is that supposed to mean spooky-dooky.

Spooky? Dokey? Spooky. Duky sounds like something that you know it sounds like, yeah. Facts. Yeah. Sounds like the shit you get after eating too much Halloween candy. Like, that was a real spooky dokey.

That's good. Speaking of, I'm making a new horror movie. Yeah. It's like about these kids that run this town that has a lot of fast food places. Yeah, I'm calling it Children of the Corn Dogs. Oh, I thought you were going to say corn syrup. Hey. So I would survive pretty much any horror movie.

Letterface? Yeah, he's basically an autistic lumberjack. He chases you. You throw some number blocks down and he would have to stop and put them in order. Idiot. Yeah. Autistic. Yeah.

Yeah. Autism. and Jason misunderstood just needs a makeover and a hug Mike Myers Mommy issues

just needs a friend to talk to and Freddie Kruger give that motherfucker some meth damn yeah yo

teens nowadays think they're gangsters but they're just retarded yeah they're tardsters okay they get

guns like AKs, but they don't know the rest of the alphabet. Oh, man. If a 9mm shoots 12 people and a train leaves a station, who gets their quicker? Shit, homie, I don't know if Paco was driving like 30 minutes, but if Lil Joker,

he has to borrow his mom's Jeep. Jeez, man. Shout out Paco. Mm-hmm. Yo, Border Patrol is hiring in Tennessee, which is weird because what borders are they patrolling? The West Memphis, Arkansas Bridge.

Yeah. That is a good one. They would be the National Guards bitch. Like, oh, look, the Border Patrol is here. Hide your salsa in Spanish. What? I don't understand. Oh, look, the Border Patrol is here.

Hide your salsa in Spanish. Oh, hide your salsa in parentheses. In Spanish. Oh, okay. Yeah. Border Patrol is here. Hide your salsa in Spanish. Is the Border Patrol? Wait, what?

Collecting. I don't understand. No, no, no. They'll know the salsa is, they're going to take your salsa. The salsa is from, because there's nothing in Tennessee. Oh, so it's only salsa. Yeah. Okay.

But it's time to get serious. Go ahead, man. Yo. The world is whack nowadays. White people are marching for Black Lives Matters, but they see a black man running a grill at the park and they call the cops on him. Okay. Then the LGB-I-N-G-O community would go out in public with bacon on their nipples as clothes and booty shorts on.

And if someone says something, they all yell and get crazy and finger-pouring and snapping at them. And then they get mad if I'm standing there, minding my own business, not screaming with them. Like, they would say, did you hear what they said about my bacon nips? And me, I would say, yes, I did. Also, how do you get the bacon to stick? if bacon is closed I would be happy yeah

people would be like Dakota you're naked where's your fucking pants and I'd be like I ate them on the way here it's a lot of bacon but with this whole

no more he's and she's thing going on it makes me question myself it's an interesting turn What am I? I got a beard and a pecker. And I got a bit of beard on my pecker. So, yep, I'm a giraffe.

I'm a short and chunky giraffe. And you fuckers can't say anything about that shit. I... And I don't get chicks that want to be turned into dudes. You really want to go from an ant flow to an Uncle's Adams? Uncle's Adams. Is that what it says? That's what it said. Did y'all hear about the GBT L MNOP community having a herpes outbreak?

Oh, sorry. A they peas outbreak? Ooh. Damn. No, but seriously. America has come full circle. We fight amongst ourselves, racism, sexism, gayism. If I'm doing my math right, that means we're about to become on a great depression, y'all.

I don't know. So I'm going to start saving my money now. Okay. The serious part of the stand-up special, I'm going to start saving money. America has come full circle, and I'm just going to start saving my money now. Right now. Right now. Because, yeah.

This way, bro. Because, yeah. Look into this camera. I'm not waiting in line for a half a loaf of Wi-Fi. So that's my new material. Let me try one of my... Let me bring you guys back to the classics real quick. Let me close out with a classic.

Okay. So my ex wanted to add food to our sex life. Oh, I know. And she was thinking chocolate, strawberries, whipped cream. I brought biscuits and gravy to bed. and she was pissed because I wouldn't share any we love this joke

yeah saying that to the crowd encore yeah she also got pissed when I brought beef jerky into the bedroom bitch I'm not sharing I need the protein

thank you guys I'm to Code up, 36. Yeah. You have to bring someone up, man. I thought Joe was going to do that. My bad. Yeah, Joe's the host.

Yeah, there we go. Woo! Keep it going for Patrick Doran, everyone. Coming to the stage next, we got a... Do a little crowd work. Do a little crowd work right now. Yeah, taking food...

Do some crowd work, bro. Taking food into the bed makes me think about eating some food on your head. Because it rhymes. You ever find some food hiding in your hair somewhere? Yeah. No. After a crazy Halloween, you're wearing a wig.

We love this joke. You never know. Yeah. You never know what you're going to find. So coming up to the stage is a very special man with very special hair. It's Caleb Pitts, everyone. Oh, wow. Let's go.

Go Caleb. Go Caleb. Go Caleb. Okay. I need some help, guys. Because writing Norm-style jokes is harder than I thought. Basically, I've been trying to rip off Norm-style jokes for my podcast, but they all sound way punnier than norms when I try to come up with any.

My strategy thus far has been to read news headlines and try to spin them in a way I'd imagine Norm would do back on Weekend Update. But it's just not working for whatever reason. There must be a trick to writing them that Norm and Steve O'Donnell have that I lack. What is it? Help me successfully rip off established comedians. That's kind of, that's kind of, that's a good premise for a joke. He's kind of getting there.

Yeah. Here's what I came up with. Looking back, Hitler really ruined Hitler mustaches for everyone. You had to look back for that one? Yeah, do that again. Looking back, Hitler really ruined Hitler mustaches for everyone. A giant asteroid measuring 27 miles wide, alarmed scientists in September after it came within 4.4 million miles of Earth. Few, we really got away with that one.

Just imagine Norm McDonald's saying this on a weekend update. Do a norm impression. Do it again. Do that one again, but do it as norm. No, just keep moving, bro. British Prime Minister Theresa May has confirmed plans for nuclear power plants across the UK to be heavily regulated with stricter code of ethics. Really?

I mean, come on. How can you regulate a plant? We love this joke. Yeah! Channel 4 comedy show The Last Legs Centers around comedians with amputated legs discussing the news. Letting disabled people run the 100 meter sprint is one

thing, but letting them have an opinion on the news is where I draw the line. So that one sort of offensively gets offensive against amputees. Fuck amputees. Yeah, straight up. I like my women like how I like my wide. You're wide?

I like my women how I like my wide. Regulated and distributed in selected supermarkets for public consumption. Wine? Probably wine. Yeah, it's probably wine. Can someone pull up a keyboard so we can see? It says wide with a D. Next time just say wine.

Okay. Wife. I like my women how I like my wife. Yeah, I mean, that's just true. distributed and selected supermarkets for public consumption. Wise? Oh. Is that a British thing?

No, that's around here. They got that everywhere. Wipe. I like my women how I like my wipe. Regulated and distributed. We got to figure out one that word. Yeah. I liked wife. I mean, I like my women.

I liked wife. I like my wire like I like my wife. I like my women how I like my wire. That's good. And you can hold up a wire. Oh, yeah, hold up the wire. Hold up the wire from the mic. I like my women how I like my wire.

Regulated and distributed. I like my women and how I like my orange wire. Yeah, that's good. Here it is. And here it is. I actually brought it with me today. I actually don't need it for the rest of my set. But I do like my orange wire.

Prime Minister Theresa May has vowed that the only way out of the EU is with a checkers Brexit deal, whereas Conservative MP Alec Shelbrook is proposing more of a charades approach. Now do charades. For Brexit? That was good. Brexit! Brexit! There we go. Because it's like what were they thinking? Yeah, exactly.

After recent allegations made regarding adult film actress Stormy Daniels, President Donald Trump is definitely in the doghouse right now. That's where he keeps his backup Russian mail order brides. Biches. Surfing will make its debut. I like this one. Surfing will make its debut in the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, Japan. Not exactly what I'd call a level playing field.

A levial playing field. Because I wouldn't call much a levial playing field. Okay. Because they're tilting on their boards. This one. Yeah. I think it's tsunamis. You go up and down on the waves.

I wrote or it's that piece of art with the waves. Not much of a field either. Maybe it's just, maybe it's level. The ocean's level, but it's not a playing field. The ocean is not level. I'm just saying I'm trying to dissect the joke. It's waves. But kind of on a larger scale, you can consider it level.

I mean, it's water. It's not going all over the place. Well, it is. Anyway, I'm just saying maybe the joke could be like, not exactly what I call a playing field. Nice. Because it's not, it's on the water. It's on the water.

It's kind of what I was trying to. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah, I'll call it a playing pool. Oh, pool. That's what I would call a level playing pool. When's pool? And when's pool going to come into the Olympics? Is it in the Olympics?

Billiards, sorry. Thank you. It's not in the Olympics. No, you're thinking of swimming pools. That's what I'm thinking of. I wrote 400 jokes this month to deal with my sadness. And I think these are the best 147. I hate sweating, which is weird.

This is just all the jokes. I hate sweating, which is weird, because it's, salty. I love salty shit. I got expelled from the eighth grade so my mom made me go to a Catholic school and they didn't teach us about sex. So now every time I fuck, it's just like a really awesome field trip. I get it.

If turtles are scared, they hide in their shell, which is why it hurts so bad when someone throws a turtle at you. Oh, if the turtle was brave, it would soft parts of the body might hit you. Yeah, a brave turtle if you're going to get hit by a turtle. Now, do the joke on the side of the brave turtle. Man, I hate getting thrown at people, but luckily I'm brave and it softens the impact.

For them. For them. Yeah, it's often the impact. Yeah, for them. I'm still hurt. I'm still a hurt turtle. This quarantine crap would be a lot easier to handle if I knew how to spell the damn thing. That's good.

Oh, that's how you spell it. It's making this easier. now. Making easier. Yes. This coronavirus shit isn't going so well for me. I yawned at Safeway yesterday and accidentally inhaled my mask. Big mouth.

Yeah, that's not I'm sinking. That's a big mouth. That's a world record mouth. This pandemic has given me a lot of time to get my, to know my kids better. Or worse. Yeah. I do not have the balls to get. This one's good.

I do not. I just don't have the balls to get another vasectomy. Does he think they take your balls off? Wrists are just shoulders for your hand. That's good. Wow. That's good. Whenever I make spaghetti, I eat one of the noodles raw just to let it know I'm not fucking around.

I could see. I can visualize that one. I could see spaghetti getting scared, yeah. I learned how to work hard as a teenager jerking off to scrambled porn. I don't know. Like scrambled, like... Scramble. Yeah.

They used to... On the satellite channels, it used to come in scrambled. They scrambled it? Mm-hmm. For what purpose? For what purpose? For what purpose?

Covered in shit. Yeah. This is dirty. This necklace is ass. Maybe I'll start cussing more. I can't afford a fucking... An ass fucking lobster, but I can afford a pretty big shitty shrimp.

One shrimp? You added words. Yeah, I did. But I was seeing if that made it better. Yeah. That shouldn't be a clean joke. Oh, yeah. You're probably right.

A shitty, big, shitty shrimp. I can afford a clean shrimp. I can afford a clean shrimp. A big shitty shrimp. A clean, I can't afford an immaculate lobster. A big clean, a big clean shrimp. Just keep it nice and clean. The whole joke just clean it up.

No, this one has a cuss. Nobody can get haircuts during this lockdown. I prepared for this by going fucking bald. Ooh. But I'm not today. If you ever get really lost. and a corn maze just build a house

and become a corn farmer. I like that one. Yeah, I really like that one. I think Olympic runners would go even faster if they had to poop really bad. Sometimes they do. I would imagine they do.

Sometimes it defecate during the run. I thought my vasectomy was sort of fun, like skydiving, but just with my dick. Okay, so we had a vasectomy as kids. When I was in school, they showed us a video

about the Vietnam War and you could see someone smoking, caught out of a shotgun. I was like, damn, I really want to go to Vietnam. Smoke out of shotgun. I like that. I've been down a few sewer pipes, and I've got to say,

Mario is full of fucking shit, man. Literally. Yeah. Well, he would be. He would eat it if he had to survive. Dude, these streets are rough. Yeah, because they're covered in concrete. The coronavirus is like jail, and my kids are cellmates.

Whoa. Poor guy. eggs are delicious are delicious and so is chicken now that's consistency give it up for eggs and chicken are they talking about he's talking about the consistency of chicken as water you know what I also like beef this one's good as water becomes more and more scarce

we'll have to transition to moist t-shirt contests don't even say that word bro damp damp t-shirt contest yeah you're gonna make so many for the fucking people in the audience cringe with that. Just for the PC police that are afraid of bad words. Sprinkled TV shirts.

Gender reveal parties are stupid. He said a sprinkled TV shirt. The fuck is a sprinkled TV shirt. I don't know. I'm going to shut you down. Yeah. Spinkled TV shirt. It is, you fucking bitch. Get off the stage. Gender reveal parties are stupid.

Tell me if the kid on purpose. please those hot dog cookers at 7-Eleven make hot dogs look so good i think they wore the way they roll back and forth triggers some kind of predator shit in me like i don't want them to get away give me those hot dogs give me those if you like avocados don't go to jail they don't have those there that's a really that was funny as a complete non-sac yeah that's good you should do a few more

to say anything if you like yeah if you like anything if you like video games don't go to jail don't have it I don't have that there that's a great joke

you think Fiona Apple is good you should hear her sister Jackie Pear all right he's unlocked something yeah he's getting better he's getting way better I think coronavirus

waited until we were stupid enough to attack like it saw people eating tide pods and was like, now's my chance. Nice. Okay, he's not as good anymore. He lost it, I think, again. The worst part of being a sheeple is when the farmer

pins me to the ground and cuts off my wall. I'm thinking about getting a job at the unemployment office so I can process my own claim. That'd be, you can't do that. It's clever. Yeah. I'm looking forward to losing my memory because my life, Life just hasn't been that good.

I love eating donut holes. Oops. I meant donuts hole. I eat an entire donut. The lockdown is a great time to either catch up on projects you might have forgotten about or forget about projects that you really don't want to do. I love that this guy is so clearly just going completely insane. Just writing 400 jokes that are all of this.

And only writing. His thoughts are jokes. Getting to 147 and being like, I got to show people now. Before I get to 400, I'm going to stop in the middle. Sometimes my kid gets a bloody nose from picking it too much.

That's how much he loves boogers. It's pretty good. Yeah, I like that one too. Let's find a couple of good ones here because this is a lot of jokes. Yeah. My wife is the pringle of my eye. Sorry, but apples are not my thing.

That's cute. Okay, that one's kind of cute. I was so sad when the Sonics left. That's what coronavirus feels like. It's like the Sonics left again. Like the Hedgehog? No. No, the Super Sonics.

Oh. Streams go into, he really has the same sort of things over and over again. Streams go into rivers. Rivers go into seas. Seas go into Oceans. And I go into 7-Elevens. I like that.

It's the only place he goes. Yeah, it's quarantine. I know some weird people. Like, for instance, my friend Gary was born with a hat. that's another see he's good when he's in that zone yeah when he's tweeting when he's tweeting yeah do you know pirates still have to go to work it turns out there are essential are essential i got i got i like essential i like essential workers i got that immediately i mean

i got i got i'm sensual sensual the pirate this is a character he could do I weigh the same as my area code. Now that's hometown pride. 360. He's big and fat. That's good. The real, no. Say it.

The real lazy rivers are lakes. He likes bodies of water. He does. It's water. The ocean being a level playing. Oh, finally a new restaurant. I used to go to subway and take notes while they made my sandwiches. Now I know how to make my own sandwiches.

Take that subway. That one's kind of fun. I thought I was having a hard time sleeping because my bed was lumpy but it turns out it was my own problem. You're a lumpy, lumpy air. The same people that blame me for not staying on task are usually the same people that ask me to do boring shit.

That's more of a t-shirt or a bumper stick. Yeah. Or rage against the machine. Yeah, that is. Some of those who ask me to do boring shit. Let's see. And we'll end with my mom asked if she could call my deceased father, Bob or dad, I said, I really don't think it matters. He's passed away.

Thank you guys very much. Wow. Woo. He loved that wire. Caleb and that orange wire, everyone. It's not easy to do 147 jokes, and he did it. Vamp a little, man. Yeah.

Yeah, I was thinking about dinner earlier today, and I was cutting up an onion, and I was was just crying up a storm. You were thinking about dinner while cutting an onion. No, I was making, I was thinking about, I was about to, I was waking the dinner. You were thinking about the recipe. You were waking dinner? I was waking dinner and I, the onions I was cutting and they were making me cry. And it's a funny thing when food makes you cry.

It's almost like Caleb with the hot dogs at 7-Eleven. It's like, that's the last thing you expect food to do. It usually makes you smile. It makes, I usually want to eat the food. Yeah. I like the method of, of your punchline is it's, it's, it's, it's, it's the last thing you expect food to do. It's kind of like him. That's good hosting.

Yeah, well, I'm just trying to relate to the things. When I was a kid, when I was playing tag on the playground, I used to hold my pee so I could run faster and get away from the tag. Okay. And next up, coming to the stage, we got, you know him, you love him, he's great. He's Pierce Campion, everyone. Hey, how we doing tonight, Foggs Comedy Club? What up?

Yeah. I didn't write anything. Yeah, I'm a famous A multimedia comedian Frog Unlocked Famous from Frog Unlocked I'm going to go on tour Soon Next week

By the time this is at So my full name is Giovanni Antonio Serenio But my initials spell gas It's great That's a problem I've written gas 100s of times

on tons of pages, legal documents. Literally, the Navy makes you write your initials everywhere. The watch logs, every line you wrote, you had to sign your initials. So it was just columns of gas, gas, gas. Oh, no. No, like... Oh.

I was thinking like columns of gas. It smells like... Damn. Yep. My dad's the one who gave it. my name to me. His name is Dino. Like Dino but Dino.

I have an older brother. His name's Dino Jr. Like the band. Yeah, kind of. Like the band. Kind of glad. I was second. If you couldn't tell my dad's a huge narcissist.

Gave me some anger issues growing up. It's kind of crazy and delusional now. after he divorced my mom telling me I didn't really love her after she literally died in my arms and hospice Epic fail Tell me about it

He told me for 10 plus years he'd never marry again He would rant about it After a year ago I got a message saying he got married Legally married Oh, hell no. To some Nigerian chick. No.

No, Giovanni. They met on Instagram and got married three months later. Aw. Yeah, I'm like WTF. This man got scammed or something. I'm losing my shit. My name's Giovanni. People have a hard time pronouncing that.

So. I tell him, Gio. But I have a hard time hearing that or to think I hear it when I really don't. I'm probably delusional at this point. People have a hard time saying Gio. I just tell them spell go. Oh. The word go.

I'm like, there'll be a TF. Am I an idiot? Because I sent that to my mom as a text, and she replied through the text, the word go. Oh shit. Fucking dumb ass mom. I'm like, that's your mom.

I'm like 13. IDK. W.T. What the hell is going on? Then she would always call me goo in text. And she would just blame it on auto correct. Yeah. Your mom called you goo?

Dude, fuck your mom. I know. She's still alive. She died in your arm. Oh, yes. She died in my arm. I was 13. She passed on.

She's dead. I'm Italian and Polish. I have an attitude and don't know what to do with it. Oh, Polish. I'm Italian and Polish. So I got an attitude and I don't know what to do with it.

Now dance. That's true. I got kicked out of 16 different preschools in daycares as a kid. My anger got so bad my dad literally had to isolate me for five years. Now throw in a Bain impression.

I had to live in, I had to not go to pre-K for 10 years. Of course. Ask me if I'm Polish and Italian. Are you Polish and Italian? Are you Polish in Italian? Of course. Anybody want to give me feedback on the joke I'm working on?

Yes. Oh, I just did. The most popular dog in America right now is the French Bulldog. My wife and I got ours Before it was cool A woman got attacked at our street By guys who stole her Frenchie And my wife was like, I have to have one

There's one part of this joke I'm really liking so far Okay, I'll try to see if I can guess it And keep doing it The only problem is the dog likes me more Woo! I like that part Probably because I ignore him Yeah, yeah

He has teeth like tic-tacks. Teeth like tic-tacks in the eyes only. He literally can't bite hard enough to get my attention. But I love him. This could be a real thing. This is somebody with two million followers. Yeah, you should do this in stand-up as you just say anything and then do that face. But I love him.

Even though he has no tail and wears his anore. on the outside of his body. You could add some like Boeing sound effects. Yeah, that'd be good. And right here is like slide whistle. Did you know Frenches? Did you know Frenches cannot procreate or give birth without human intervention?

They are an abomination. They shouldn't exist. Moonwalk. The wife wants another one now because she wants one that loves her more. Don't put the mic in your Do these jokes Like you're Michael Jackson

In the 80s telling them Okay So add These are I'm about to do sports jokes As Michael Jackson And in reverse Okay

Noel Is I'm gonna do Reverse Michael Jackson Sports jokes I'm not gonna do Reverse Michael I'll do normal

Michael Jackson sports jokes Okay I'll do one Reverse one Minimum The is whole 17 thinks he or G. And addict sex alike.

No, like talk in reverse. Like, yeah, what is it? And then we'll play it forward. Yeah. Do the impression. Ah, shut up.

And do Michael, do a Michael Jackson impression, do his voice. Golf. My buddy loves ghosts. I think you see the buddy at all. At a who? He loved.

He made his erections. Now add a who at any time the punchline hits. Anytime the one? When the punchline hits, at a who and a Shimona. Okay, there hasn't been a punchline or anything. No, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. Okay. He often tells me. He often tells me. That was really good. Wow. Okay. That sounded like smooth criminal.

Yeah. Yeah, do smooth criminal. How does it go before? No, no, no, no, no, da, dun. No, that's Annie. Are you okay. That's any are you okay. Yeah, that's the same song.

It is? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And are you okay? Any are you okay? Are you okay, Jenny? Okay, that's enough, that's enough. That's enough.

You've been hit by, you've been struck by. What? The face, yeah. So you've been hit by face. You've been hit by, you've been struck by a smoke. Wow. Okay, so here's another sports joke. Basketball.

And talking about sports, this guy loves basketball. So, hopeful you'll never do anal because he'll stick it in, won't hint the rim. Kobe helicopter his dick. Okay. And it'll just crash and burn from there. Now R. Kelly. Trapped in the closet. Okay, I'll try to do R. Kelly for the rest.

I just want to be funnier, so I'll... You came to the experts. Funnily enough, he draws Michael Jordan. So much it ironically, draws comparisons to Jordan. Jordan the country. I'm talking about Michael Jordan makes his wife drier and saltier than the dead sea. Wait, no, do Cartman.

If we aren't talking to Matt the Bulls, but he liked Dennis Rodman so much that we had to convince him that he shouldn't wear a wedding dress to the ceremony. But did you hear the joke? Yeah, I heard the joke. Yeah, Dennis Robbins. Dude, I know, Cartman's speak.

Okay, I'll do Obama for this next one. No one said it, but I think it's probably... No, Obama. Bad at sports. The fact that Buddy loves sports so much is so bad at them is ironic because watching him in his relationship is the only time I haven't seen him drop the ball.

Oh, he is a good relationship. In fact, he is so bad at sport that I believe he is in, he is a touchdowns. The Donald Trump is so bad at golf that I believe he has a touchdowns. I could see that at the correspondence dinner. I could see, I could see, I could see him,

I can see Trevor Noah pulling him up. Uh-huh. Or like, I don't know who else. Who else is political nowadays? Yep. No. Okay. 30 years old.

And you are 30, man. 30. You are not old, but you're not young. You have four bachelors, your closest friends. When Jesus was 30, he had 12 disciples. And look what you have. a few sports fanatics, borderline alcoholics, and me, a guy who jerks off. I'll show your butt.

You won't see it. You'd have to do it into this camera. I don't want to show my butt, man. It would make it funnier, but okay. Don't show your butt. I'm not going to moon you. You could just show it through the pants. Yeah, this is my butt through the pants.

Okay. Looking good. Good. Okay, I'll leave you with a little bit of, this is something I do called Wednesday whiteboard wisdom. Okay. Fun activity idea. Go to a store, restaurant, or fast food joint, and buy something. Then, when the total amount due is given, look wistfully in another direction and softly say,

Ah, just as the prophecy foretold. You guys want another whiteboard Wednesday wisdom? Yeah, yeah, we want more Whiteboard Wednesday. Guys, police are on the lookout for a man accused of stealing limbs from store mannequins. Should be considered armed and legged. Okay. That one had a turn. Woo!

Wow. Thank you guys so much for letting me try out some new material. This community is so awesome. Yeah. And I just think it's good that men have. have spaces like this. Guys only. Guys only club.

Girls are welcome, too. Sure. Yeah, of course. On opposite day. Hot ones. Well, I still want to be able to come. Where? To the year, even on opposite day.

Well, if you come dressed up as a girl. Come dressed up as a girl on opposite day and we'll give you... I still want to be able to come even if it's opposite day. Come dressed up as a girl on opposite day. We give you five more minutes. Okay, fine. I will come on opposite day dressed as a girl. Yeah, on opposite day.

Oh, damn. Look directly into the camera. I'm doing everything that you just saw. I'll actually be doing a really, like, an interesting slideshow version of it on the west coast of the U.S. and a little bit of Canada. So check that out. And there's one more guest tonight at this show. Joe brings them up, bro.

Yeah. All right. Pierce Campion, trying to take my job there at the end. They took her jobs. Yeah, great work for that. No. They took her jobs. No, what's that?

He remembers that. He remembers that. Definitely didn't. Do Amanda show. Do that. Do the Amanda show. Amanda, please. Yeah, that's good.

You have to put your teeth on top of your lip. Joe. Improvised Amanda. episode right now. Moody's Point. You're in Moody's Point. I remember the one where they're in the hot tub. Just do it. Just don't tell us. That's happening at the beginning. Dancing Lobsters. We're bringing meh in after that. We're probably going to do some of the stuff with Drake Bell and Josh. Okay. This is improv to you. Cut to a Moody's Point episode. I don't remember Moody's point. The mom is in the hot air balloon. The dad hurt his toe or lost his toe. The Swedish blockbuster. Oh yeah.

I was more of a cartoon network guy. Okay. Do an improvise a Dexter's Lab episode right now. My laboratory. Well, okay. But that, yeah, okay, he did it. And then Mandrake was coming around. Don't say, just do. My button.

I must press my button. I don't remember that. And then D.D. enters the laboratory and she's doing a spinning. Don't say, just do. Well, I have to do the stage directions. Yeah. interior laboratory day button.

Then D.D. comes waltzing in with absolutely no care in the world. Yeah. How old is you? D.D. 14, wearing a pink dress and blonde hair, is doing a spinning dance. Dexter, red hair, short and... Foreign. And age three. And some sort of Slavic or Ukrainian.

style child, but we're not explaining why. And he's frantically searching, my button, where is my button? And Didi's dancing so freely that she ends up hitting the button with her ballet slipper. Wait, isn't the opening's credit sequence of testes?

Just with dialogue? My button. This has been such a great show, guys. We got one more comment coming to the stage for you tonight. great guy. You know him. You love him. It is the one and only Cameron Fetter. Cameron, come on up. Welcome. How about Spider-Man Boy?

Yes, Spider-Man Boy. Really, uh, not great, guys. Not great, Spider-Man Boy. Oh, shit. He's going after the host. Comedian beef. As if I care. Whoa. Damn. As if I care at all. That's why we came here to see you fuck them up. There's certain things people have to tell you about themselves. They can't help it.

But I'm curious if there is a hierarchy. If I ran into a gluten-free vegan with the new iPhone, which one of those things would they have to tell me about first? Blotent-free. If you were a waiter. He even started with it. He said gluten-free first, so I think he knows. I think gluten-free is the answer.

I think they would show you the iPhone first because of the apps. The iPhone might be in the pocket. Shee. That's why he's the genius. Sitting in class wondering, when am I ever going to see this in the real world? A is not equal to B and A plus B is not always equal to C, but C is always equal to A plus B.

I think two of those are opposites. Example. Every bad driver is not an asshole, and every asshole doesn't own a BMW, but every BMW has a bad driving asshole in it. Hashtag logic, hashtag truth, hashtag stay in school. Damn, fuck BMWs. Fuck all cars.

Fuck cars. See how nice Wonder Woman is? She learns to fly in 1984, but won't show off later in front of Superman, so he won't be emasculated. See how nice she is? This is a lot of premises is my favorite part. Did she learn how to fly?

I haven't seen the movie. She had to learn how to fly? She learns to fly. to buy in 1984. I understand that. I don't want to brag, but I currently have more Twitter followers than the last president of the United States. Holy shit. That's a one-liner.

Obama? When it comes to dating, I have a strict, I have a strict 18 or older policy. As in, I'm 25, so I won't date girls between the ages of 19 and 25, only 18 or 26 plus. Oh, okay. So 18 or older. Hmm. I get it. I hate comedians that use egg puns.

They're the laziest yokes. That's the same guy. This is a different guy. Oh, okay. This is funny Dustin. Oh, okay. Got out funny Dustin. I found out penis means tail in Latin. That must be why chasing tail never ended. well for me. You're trying to chase penis? In Latin at least. Oh, it's Latin. That's why. Chasing that

Latin penis. Have you ever wonder, have you ever wonder what turtles are thinking? I used to own turtles for like three times. None of them last more than four years. Now that I'm older and wiser, I found that turtles don't breathe underwater. But I gave them a huge tank of water to live in, So day and night, they had to struggle to stay afloat. But they looked much more alive than any other turtles, like very alive. Sometimes when I looked at other turtles, I wondered what they are thinking. But for my turtles, they had no time to think. Because they were struggling.

They were struggling to survive. I had turtles for like three times. So this. So you know your way around a turtle. Yeah. And they lasted four years. That's pretty good. It's a long time.

Whenever I listen to a recording of myself, I played a two-time speed. It makes me think I'm quick-witted. Or fast. I used to play a robot unicorn attack all the time in high school. Yep, adult swim. I looked the game up, and Wikipedia described it as an endless running game. I know I didn't deal with my problems well, but that's a pretty harsh insult coming from an encyclopedia. Yeah.

Edison tried hundreds of light bulbs to get one that worked. How many drugs did the guy? who invented LSD try. Like, it must be hundreds. Yeah. You make the comparison. LSD is also, it's harder to come up with LSD than a light bulb. It's a, it's a

chemical. It's a way more. You just mentioned chemicals? Yeah. That's funny. Oh shit. Here it goes. That's funny because that's funny because I was just thinking about this just now, just the other day. That compound

interest may be the only thing chemists and bankers have in common. Damn, Daniel. Okay. I was just thinking about that. That's a divine impression. Neuromorphics is the concept of teaching computers how to think like humans,

but is that a good idea? I don't want a computer with an operating system that runs on my brain. That would be crap. It would constantly have errors like, homework.exe has stopped unexpectedly. Would you like to play GTA5? Yes or yes.

So that's a neuromorphics joke. I hate selfies. I think they're terrible. They make it much harder to sneak up on people. I think sorority girls are secretly carrier pigeons because I've never seen one without her letters. I wanted to see if my theory was true, so I followed one home,

but she saw me when she was taking a selfie, then she got scared and flew away. She flew? So that's one joke. She flew away. Because she secretly is a carrier pigeon. Because she's never without her letters. Oh, yeah.

Carrier pigeon. There you go. Carrier pigeons don't have letters half the time. Yeah, the way there. There is a idea that is gaining popularity called the holographic universe theory that say that the universe is two-dimensional, not three-dimensional.

Although this sounds crazy, it would explain Donald Trump's personality. That's a Mark Norman joke. He's so two-dimensional. To prove this theory, scientists are looking for something called holographic noise, which is a mysterious, never heard before sound. I'm hoping the sound is an unreleased collaboration album between Tupac and NSYN. And if we're lucky, there will even be Christmas tracks. Yeah, that's a Mark Norman joke, bro.

That's by Mark Norman. Can you do plankton getting holographic meatloaf? Yeah, do that too. When does he do it? Karen gives him holographic meatloaf. He's like, holographic meatloaf. Crabs? Yes. Whoa. Wait, do more impressions. Oh, I was just thinking about what you just said. Really?

I don't have a single memory from before my teenage years. Oh, you don't remember SpongeBob. To try to cope with that, I spray painted the front of my car with SpongeBob Squarepants and other Nickelodeon cartoons. Oh, my God. Now, I have a childhood. I have a child. That's good. I own two birds.

Okay, this is a great premise. Okay. I own two birds who don't bathe and smell really bad. I also own a oven that's dirty and has a self-cleaning function. So I put the birds in the oven and turned it on self-clean. It was great. I killed two birds with one stove. Oh my God.

You killed your pet. It's an oven in a stove are similar, but they're very different. Dirty birds? Don't bathe. It could also go, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. So you never know.

I called my annoyingly nerdy friend to help me clean up the rotten pumpkin in my house. I always procrastinated at everything, and he liked to rub it in my face with his edutainment. I invited him for a thank giving dinner solely of ham

and cherry sauce. Now, before I plan to clean it, I must know if it's a squash, gourd, Or a fruit, I think that's the nerd talking. I should have waited to invite you until Christmas's eggnog was the menu. Ah. To help you get rid of the eggs.

Yeah. He doesn't have to hear about it anymore. The star student failed the test. Despite all the obsessive pressure of her parents, they had to make her feel the burn. So her birthday cake the next day had an F made of icing. Is that a news story? Yeah. Are you just telling us the news?

A woman and her mom were sitting at the beach. Here's some warm chicken soup, my dear. The mom said to her daughter. Thanks. I needed that. Make sure to get plenty of rest. Then they heard someone drowning and crying for help. The lifeguard turned to her mom and said, don't worry, I'll be getting plenty of rest.

A little bit of an edgy one. Oh. The lifeguard's going to kill. The woman, the girl the whole time. That's a riddle. A dumb butler. kept changing pillowcases multiple times a day,

even though the washer machine was broken that week. Another news story. The same reason the... Okay, Josh Johnson. Here's the punchline. The same reason

the Butler kept buying new vacuum cleaners multiple times a day. How did Pinocchio roast the talking bed? Uh-oh. How? There aren't no springs on me.

Whoa. Is that something people say? A patient got appendicitis after eating a burger with everything on it. Another news story. Why did the surgeon need to blow his nose after cutting him open? The onions.

Oh, damn. Wait, that's what he was talking about. Oh, this one. Okay. I entered the escalator to hell. My hair got caught and I knew I was already there. The hair pulled the person into the escalator, meaning hell started before expectation of arrival. That was in parentheses.

What? What's the worst thing for a warm... What does this mean? What's the worst thing for a warming dictator to say at a national landmark? I think warring. It says it's clearly warming because you'll hear the parentheses. Okay. What is it?

What's the worst thing for a warming dictator to say at a national landmark? I'm going to unhand you now. Parentheses. Human touch is physically warm. And dropping the person off a cliff wouldn't remove. the warmth from the dictator's hand. Say it two more times. The full thing.

Oh my God, this is complex. What's the worst thing for a warming dictator to say at a national landmark? The worst thing. The dictator is at a landmark and he's saying the worst thing possible. The worst thing. It's a warming dictator. He's warming. Yeah.

Okay. What does he say? I'm going to unhand you now. I'm going to unhand you now. Human touch is physically wrong. He's holding. He's holding them over the Grand Canyon, maybe. Okay. He's at the Grand Canyon.

Wait, but he says a national... What does it say? Landmark. Landmark. Okay, so it could be anything. Yeah, it could be anything. He didn't say, oh, it's a canyon, oh, it's a cliff. What's the worst thing for someone?

It must be, it must, they must have meant the Grand Canyon and was looking for a synonym. Wait, and then what's the parentheses? Human touch is physically warm and dropping the person off a cliff wouldn't remove the warmth from the dictator's hand. See, that's the part that is bothering me

is that that's what they think the joke is. Wait, so change it, but replace it with Grand Canyon. If you're supposed to do with a warming dictator to say at the Grand Canyon. The warming has nothing to do with what the punchline is. When Batman's like, let her go. And he's like, yes, exactly. That would make sense. That would make sense. I'm going to unhand you now.

What's the worst thing for a warming Batman to say to the Joker at his national party? A warming. A warming Batman. What's the worst thing for a warming Batman to say? Okay. But a warming. What's the worst thing for a warming Joker? Yeah.

Unhand. Because they're... One hander. You're going to unharm... That was the worst thing I could have done. Because my... I'm a warming Joker. I'm the warming Joker.

dropping her, my head will remain warm. But the premise is, no, he's warming. But the idea of warming, the warming is the most important part of the show. He held my hand. Why so warm? The warming to me has nothing to do with what the joke is.

No, no, no, no, no. It wouldn't remove the warmth. It wouldn't remove. From the dictator's hand. I think you're, I think you're really missing, I think you're really missing what the actual not part of the joke is,

and it's that it's a dictator. That part is actually, I think dictators are associated with the phrase unhand. That's the only time you ever hear of someone say unhand. It could be bad. They have power to do evil. If I'm being held by a dictator off a cliff and then they say, I'm going to unhand you now, I think, oh, thank God, I'm going to be safe. But then I remember, oh, this is a warming dictator.

He's warming up for a war. Wait, do it one more time. Do this one more time. What's the worst thing for a warming dictator to say at a national landmark? Yeah, he said, I'm going to unhand you now. because human touch is physically warm and dropping the person off a cliff would not remove the warmth from the dictator's hand.

Oh wait, I understand. Wait, wait, wait. The dictator is evil, so you want him to not be warm. Are you want, so... Do you mean... Do you mean... Oh, no, okay, so like a cold... A cold dictator, right, would drop you or no.

A cold-hearted dictator. A cold-hearted dictator. But if he was warming. Because I've heard the phrase cold-hearted dictator. Change warm to cold. And change unhand you to hand you. This dictator will never drop me. Because if he does, his hand will become cold.

Yeah. Then you remember, wait, it's a warming dictator. He doesn't care. He's going to be warm either way. Here, here, here. Here's another one from the same person. See if you can public. I worked at Wendy's, and I saw on the TV weather news,

cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Luckily, cannibals haven't been satisfied yet. Okay, so that's the joke. Parentheses. Wendy's is serving human meat, and human meat hasn't rained from the sky yet, so no competition. No, fucking, it made sense until the explanation.

No, I get it. I get it. That means Wendy's is okay. Luckily, cannibals haven't been satisfied yet. Yeah. Parentheses. I worked at Wendy's. But when he works at Wendy's,

he assumes all meat is human meat. Because he works there, but it's normal meatballs. All the people. Just luckily they haven't been. Well, speaking of cannibals, I was on a cruise ship with a cannibal. My brother warned me and I forgot his meds. He warmed you?

Warned? My warm brother. A bricklayer and a brick walk into a bar. Holy shit. What does the brick say to the brick layer? you couldn't hammer me in place parentheses the brick wouldn't stay put

because there's no mortar oh yeah you don't hammer bricks and there's no mortar well that's what you couldn't hammer me in place or the or the brick layer could be named mortar mortar mur can you do the dictator let's punch that one up what what did the psychologist specializing in anxiety think when he met a stoic patient

the stoic patient said he worked in HR and explained what that entailed. If I was like him, I could just ignore people's problems and give them drugs to be happy. That must be why the mailman I saw earlier this week seemed high. Oh, because mailmen say hi. No parentheses, guys. We're flying solo on that one. I need a parenthesis for that. One more time.

What did the psychologist specializing in anxiety think when he was? It's with a male pen. It seems odd. Okay, there's a, there's a, start from the beginning. What the worst thing to say to a homeless person after giving them the same food every day? You switch jokes. And Apple a day keeps the insurance premiums down. Oh my God.

On Christmas Day, why did, on Christmas Day, why did conservatives say Trump wasn't racist, homophobic and cared about the environment? Why? And then this is in quotes. I've never seen anything like it. An old straight white man trafficking endangered reindeer's over, oh, it's supposed to be Trump. I've never seen anything like it. An old straight white man trafficking endangered reindeer's over my wall.

He's coming to our homes. He's coming. He's coming to you. Santa. Talking about Santa. Okay. Give us me. Give us one more.

Here, wait. I have, I'm going to do really rapid fire on these. This is like, so what I've been doing, I'm trying new material, but I'm going to do just like a bit from my special. Okay. I like that. I like that. I wonder, does the existence of formaldehyde denote the existence of casualdehyde?

I wonder who invented scissors. Whoever they are, I hope they got a cut of the profits. I wonder who was the first person to see an earthquake. It must have been a groundbreaking experience. I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design. He would be good at it. I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, I'd tap that. I wonder why gay people always look funny.

Seems like they can't keep a straight face. I wonder why Daft Punk split up. Was it because they weren't up all night to get lucky? Were they not doing it faster so they weren't stronger? I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't constantly overthink things. I wonder why Microsoft is open an office inside my computer. These predatory businesses are getting out of hand. Sometimes I wonder if the Big Bang happened without consent.

Oh, hell no. I wonder if when Jesus was on the cross, he looked at the woodwork and was like, this is shoddy craftsmanship. The nails hurt, but the splinters are killing me. I wonder, I wonder if I have ever eaten an egg laid by a chicken I have also eaten. A boy says, I wonder what's in my Christmas present. His dad says, think out the box, son. The boy opens the gift and it was empty.

I wonder what innovation will surpass thongs as the sexiest female underwear. Maybe nothing? Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth my time to masturbate. I mean, nothing's got to come out of it. Damn, Daniel. I wonder why Wuhan is not making electric cars. I bet they wouldn't run out of bat. Terry. I'll show myself out. Thank you. I wonder why these girls like Google and Facebook so much. I stock one and she calls a police on me.

Girls like Google that much? And Facebook, yeah. Google Plus. But that's, that's it. That's what I got. I wonder. Wonderful. Can we keep it going for Cameron Fetter, everyone. We should do a warm round of applause. A warming round of applause. A warming round of applause. And all of your warming comedians tonight. Keep it going for Cameron. We got one more comic. Keep it going for Cameron. It's Santa Claus, everyone.

Santa Claus, come in. Everyone welcome Santa Claus. I eat pizza all the time. I eat pizza so much. Last night I had to leave the bedroom. Because I was, like, farting so bad. And I was like, baby, I'm going to go sit on the couch and fart. It just happens, dude.

Do you ever stain? I have I ever shit in my bed. I don't think so. You don't think so? No, I don't. I think so. I've woken up and there's been a full imprint of my ass cheeks out of sweat if it gets hot. Full two circles.

I was telling Caleb this today, but like Will took a dump in the toilet as people do. Nah. And I had to go pee. He's fruity for that. I had to use bathroom afterwards and you saw there was, the seat was blue. The toilet seat was blue and I was freaking. I'm like, Will you turn the seat blue. Pull your pants down now.

I pulled his freshly crapped out. Pulled his pants down after he freshly took a gnarly, disgusting. You can smell it. I can smell like coming out of his butt hold. And I was looking for blue. And I couldn't find blue. But then we, it was a mystery, a mystery. And then he told me that he just bought new underwear from the dollar store.

I noticed. I think these new underwear I like them because they're new and they seem like fresh. He didn't wash them before because who does that? I don't know. And he just put them on their like dark blue pants. And we noticed also because we were looking for them. Yeah. While we were looking for them, we pulled the like the comforter off the bed and the white sheet was full of.

It was blue. He was rubbing his undies around. And then I made him show me again his butt. And then I saw like an indigo butt. Yeah. Yeah. But it was hard to tell because it looked so red after his shit. I couldn't see the blue yet.

Because it had been used. It was overpowering. That's crazy. And he just texted me saying, I was like, get a magic eraser because it won't come off. It won't come off. Permanently blue toilet? It's permanently fucking blue. And I was like, get a magic eraser.

It's like the whole thing or just the imprint of his book. Please. It's. It's. Please take a picture of your toilet. Where your ass would sit on the. It's like a shape of. So the top of it is.

is still white and then the sides where your butt is is blue. Just sending a picture of the toilet. It apparently... Notice the blue? It's blue! It hasn't come off yet. How long does it take you guys

or run through a toilet seat?