Podcast About List - Ep. #395 - Everything is going back to normal soon

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

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I'm swinging for the princes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a fucking cap in my hand, man. Speaking of cap, the ultimate capper of all time. Hey, we're going to record it 11 tomorrow or 10 tomorrow. Yeah, but he said 11, it would be fine. Yeah. Someone's back in town.

He's back in town, but then he fucking. And look what I, and you can barely even see it, but look what I so pleasantly wrote for him and he's not even here. Yep. Welcome home, Caleb. I accidentally wrote a D instead of a B because I forgot which way that. letter went when I was partway through the word. It's so fucked up he didn't wake up.

And our computer is not even here yet. Our computer is here. It's not set up, I mean. Well, yeah, I'd have to set it up. We have no computer. This is a bear. I mean, this, here's what I'll say. I mean, I'm sorry that the episode's late, but the amount of things in the universe

that were against this episode being recorded and coming up is literally retrograde right now. Unbelievable. And it makes me worried that there's still, there's still more to come. know what I mean? No, it all ends tomorrow. It, it all does. Yeah. Merchery. Mercury tree. Merchette Teckade. Man. You know that shit, all these fucking bitches be talking about Mertititia.

But basically, we're going to record. Our computer blew up, which some people who are on Patreon might already know. So we only, we have, we are recording, we're recording very bare bones just on one camera right now. And so we were going to record on Zoom. But then there was a big internet outage. And Caleb lost internet, along with the guests we were going to have. Two guests. Two guests who lost internet. And then we were going to go record in person.

But I guess there was supposed to be a tornado, which, funny enough, did. There was no. If it said, it's, he's, Caleb said, no, we can't record because there's a tornado warning. Are you fucking kidding me, man? He wanted to go to bed. He wanted to go to bed. Yeah, I could, if he had, if he had just said, I want to go to bed, I just got off of, like, a six-hour flight. I was in, like, California all week.

Yeah. that's fine. Don't fucking tell me tornado warning in New York. Well, instead of unlock you one, we'll record in the morning and we'll put it out late so we don't have to unlock one.

And he's not up. He's not up. He lied about a fucking tornado. He believed a fucking tornado lie. Which is worse than lying about a tornado is believing it and subjecting your two friends to it.

Yeah, so we'll see if he shows up during this episode. but he definitely won't we also don't have anything prepped yeah this was going to be a guest oh and i forgot my watch too because it was so early in the morning dude i'm sorry we could have been club we and if he was here we would have been club cassio that's cool that which is what i was trying to change the name of the show too it's a good name change we do it once monthly we spend all the money on watches yeah vintage deadstock watches do i can't imagine being a guy who has two watches i have three watches

But I only have two. I'm not wearing them. You know what I mean? I have one watch that's a blind box that I bought. Yes, I remember this one. The Evangelian blind box. Yeah, you got, uh, what is her name? Mari.

Mari. I got Mari. Which is the worst pull. Which is literally the one that I said I would wear any of these. And it's so funny to even, it's so funny to even into it that without being an Evangelian fan to be able to tell this is the, well, the watches were cool. I showed you like the back of the box. Yeah.

The watches are really cool. And I was like, look, I'd like wear any of it. It was either that or embarrassingly enough. There's a Peanuts Watch blind box. That's cool. And I was like, dude, I only want to get Olaf. And I don't want to like get burned if I don't get Olaf. Yeah.

Yeah, you can't be walking around with Snoopy or Woodstock. No. Even his brother Joe or not Joe. What does Joe look like? There's one with there's a have little mustaches. Well, that's he's cool. Does Joe cool, I think. No, but isn't it.

Hold on. I don't, I don't, I don't, I'm not too. I know. No. I know. Yeah, because of this. I know Olaf. Explosion.

We have no Julio and we also can't put anything on the screen. I can look it up on my phone, but that's worse. It's just, it's just, I swear to God, something is running through. I told you, dude, it's Mercury retrograde. There's a demon, I think. My girlfriend said this to me. My, everything I touch has become destroyed recently. Everything I touch has been ruined.

Like your asshole? Yeah. Honestly, it has been the past few days. I mean, I don't want to get into it too much, but I'm not feeling great. Eating cheese and beer all day. and beer all weekend. Like a Wisconsinite. Yeah, just a total.

I was doing this. I thought I had told you earlier. I thought I had gout. Yeah. I thought I had gout because I walked home from Life World on Saturday night. I mean, here's what I'll say, man.

After a day of eating pizza and Chinese food. If that walk is giving you, it was giving you enough foot pain to think you have gout, you got to be walking more, man. Or you need new shoes. Yeah, I think it's a new pair of shoes.

Yeah. That was the other thing. Yeah. But it was just, it wasn't foot pain. It was toe pain, which is where the gout happens. Well,

that's shoes. Yeah. These are narrow. I got a new pair of Nike Blazers. And they're narrow? Yeah, very narrow. That's always, it's always a problem. Yeah. The narrowness. The narrow. I don't even have a wide foot. Exactly. Like I feel I look, I can like, I can kind of remember my shoe size. Not really. I actually have to check my shoe size every time I buy shoes. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I buy shoes probably once every. Oh, right, right, right. I'm not, I'm not a, I'm not a, I'm not a sneaker head. Yeah. Like some people. But, but, but the width, I'm like that I can never figure. out what I'm supposed to wear. What am I supposed to do? I know the size. And I know that like Nike's run small. See, I don't know that.

Depending on the shoe. I don't know that. Converse run big. Nike's run small. Converse run lame too. Bro, chill on them. I'm just, I have nothing against Converse.

They are classic. Yeah. But I've never known. I had a pair of chucks and then I skated them too much and then they were unusable. Do people still wear those outside of high school? Chucks? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if I've seen anybody wear those. Dude, I've seen DeMil. I guess it's because skating. Okay, yeah. There's the Chuck Taylor Pro that people like to skate in. It's a good shoe. My favorite chew for a long time.

They're used to have these things. They were called the Lunar Lawn Insole. My favorite shoe is flip-flops, by the way. That's a lie. It's not true. Okay. I said it and I immediately take it back. But you keep saying what you're saying.

Well, there's these things. It was called the Lunar Lawn Insoul. It was like Chuck Taylor's with this big piece of green foam. Uh-huh. It was the most comfortable, like, foam most comfortable insole I've ever worn these green

these green things and then Nike stopped making them damn because Nike owns Congress they want well they want you to have uncomfortable shoes so you buy new shoes yeah it's true that's one of the great conspiracies

of our time I got really into finding the perfect insult after they discontinued those I got really into finding the perfect insult when I saw people wearing those damn come on chill on them

hey hey asshole that's what I'd say the The best insult. Yeah. I have a hand. Well, we said last episode, the best insult now is jerk. That's true.

Yeah, we don't have to tread back over that territory. Yeah, that's true. Like a shoe. Like a shoe. Tread. Tread on a shoe. Tread. Don't tread on these.

Don't tread on. Yeah. Snake shoes. That'd be cool. They should make, they should make democratic shoes. Yeah. That are on the bottom of them.

They have that snake. And it says, what now, bitch? Yeah, that's a good idea. What now, bitch? We're treading on you. Exactly. I tread. I treaded.

I treaded. It's snake leather. Oh, oh, I treaded. It's rattlesnake leather. It's on the bottom of the shoe. Wait, that's cool as fuck. Yeah. Black shoe, black shoe, but the soul has

rattlesnake leather on it. Damn. And it says, I treaded. And it has a picture of Joe Biden on the front. Joe Biden made out of rattlesnake letter. It's one of those pictures with, with him with the sunglasses where people used to post him. Like, this guy's badass. And actually, he knows rap music because he was Obama's vice president.

He loves complete ice cream. It's so fun. Do you remember when he was vice president? Really? Yeah. This is a welcome to work diva situation. This is a Jacques Gonsolent type type deal. Get your ass over here. He's going to show up and he's going to be like,

eh. Sorry, I was so tired. Who's that? Caleb. Well, you just said it was a sound like. I thought you were doing an impression of Jacques. I was like, well, that's rude and also doesn't sound anything like him. That would be so mean if I did that to Jacques.

Well, you just said, It's a Jacques situation. So, Jacques shows up to work late. Because no, because that voice doesn't really sound like Caleb either. That sounds like Caleb. What are you talking about?

Do it again. Hey, how are going? I'm in bed with my wife. I can't get up. I can't. I slept too long. Dude,

let's go easy on him. The poor guy had to fly all the way back from vacation. It's not easy. It's not easy. Yeah, it's so hard to come back from vacation. Hey, man,

I'm being serious. Take it easy. Okay. You're going too far. No, fuck it. now fuck it all now fuck him

not fuck it all man um I wish I had something interesting to say besides I saw a guy who hit a bus in his car oh yeah that's really it wasn't that funny it was more like I kind of watched a man in despair yeah it's never funny seeing a guy in despair

unless it's that video the guy uh you know the video where the guy the guys walk up to him and go you need a leave no uh well there's this guy like the backstory I heard is that the this guy was driving up to people, driving up to black people and going,

you need to leave. Uh-huh. And then he accidentally like rear-ended somebody and then they walk up to him with their phone. They just keep going, mocking him and he starts punching his window.

He destroys his own car. That is funny. Guys are going, you need to leave. That one, that's the only time a man in despair is very funny. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I was hanging around. There was like a million people all standing around. And I was like, I wonder if this guy's okay. I was looking. I don't think he was hurt too bad. Like they put him on a stretcher and he had a neck bracing. But he was like, he was like moving around.

Yeah. And he could like walk. But yeah, he was just kind of like sobbing. Yeah. It was kind of like. Is he the school bus or the, the, no, the city bus. Oh, he's screwed. He's so fucked, dude.

I know. If the bus hit him though? Oh, my God. He'd be in such good shape. Like the bus, like they were both stopped in the street. The bus was on the wrong side of the road. So I'm like, maybe, maybe I don't know what happened. And the crazy thing is, I heard it from my house.

It was like a little ways down. I didn't hear any crash. All I heard was just suddenly a horn just started continuously beeping. And I was like, I wonder what's going on. And I looked out and out. So it had to, it was not a loud crash. He couldn't have been that. But the airbags are puffed up.

His bumper was messed up. But let me tell you, there was not a scratch on the bus. You could Buses are strong. I know. So if you are ever in a situation where someone's trying

to get you with a car like the hitcher duel or something, you get onto a, Christine, you get onto a New York city bus.

And also, here's the thing. Those are eco-friendly buses. One, they have USB ports. They have USB ports. You can charge your phone. Three,

some of them have Wi-Fi and four, their air conditioning on the bus is amazing. And five, they're about as fast as walking to your destination. They're quite,

quite slow. There's a lot of stops. There's a lot of stops and sometimes they just don't come. Yeah. Oh yeah. Sometimes they just don't come. But they will protect you from a car attack. They will protect you from an attack, which is good.

That is good. Dude, Christine is such an awesome movie. Yeah. That's one of those movies that always never seen it. So I never watched it because I was always like, this has to be the lamest movie. There's no way this movie's fucking good based on this plot. And also, whenever I think about it,

I'm thinking of fucking maximum overdrive with a green goblin car. Oh, yeah. But I thought that they were, I thought that was Christine's boyfriend. It might as well be. It probably is. Now Stephen King. And those two cars had sex. They had painful, violent sex for no reason.

But Christine is actually a good movie, which is crazy. You wouldn't think, you would think it would be a bad movie. Who's in that? Keith Gordon. Okay. No. who that is. I don't know if that's a name or not. I know Keith Gordon. I know Keith Gordon, man.

But John Carpenter directed it. I don't remember who's in it. Oh, I got to check it out then. Yeah. Carpenter directed. Carpenter directed Stephen King movie. That's so funny. It's like, you know, you go through the Stephen King catalog of like movies that were adapted. And it's like the Dead Zone, Christine, like, how many more? Like, oh, oh, misery. It's like all these like great directors. Oh, oh, good. Yeah, like, Shining, bro. Yeah, the Shining.

I mean, that's the, that's the obvious one. Yeah. But like the dead zone, I feel like that wasn't talked a lot about as a kid. As much as the, because Kuberk, Kubrick directed the Shining. And then it's like, oh, but there's also so many other, like, sick directors making Stephen King movies that, like, Cubert kind of like, you know, he kind of shades all of them. Uh-huh. You're kind of like, oh, yeah, this is the ultimate Stephen King director guy. Yeah.

Then it's like, no, no, no, no. Cronenberg made the dead zone. It's sick. I never watched that one. Rob Reiner made stand by me and misery. He's actually a really good director. Yeah. What?

Yeah. There's so what what? I'm just saying there's just yeah. Kubrick. Kubrick kind of steals the show. Okay. When you think Stephen King movies, it's like the first director in your brain is like, oh yeah, Kubrick.

But it's like, no, no. There's other guys that deserve their flowers. Because there's also good. Yeah. Yeah. I really don't know what I'm saying right now. You know what? I think I agree with you.

If I, if I was more articulate, I'd be able to say what I was saying. No, no. I think I was also distracted for the first part of it, so I'm just not helping. Yeah. I think we have a dual effect where where I think I cause what you're saying to make less sense sometimes because I don't pay attention to the right part of it. Yeah. And then I think I ask a question that puts it off track.

And I don't know how to, I don't know how to get back. to it. Yeah, I think we have, I think we both have a part of this. I think we're like a binary star system. Not to get all scientific. I don't know what that is. Dude, it's two stars that orbit each other. Sound familiar. I know a non-binary star system. That's pretty good. That's a good one. Yep. Yeah, and there's plenty of orbiting going on. Yeah, there's a lot of non-binary stars on TikTok. A lot of, yeah. Yeah. But let's move on from science.

Yeah. Fuck science. There's no point in talking about it because it's mostly been solved. Did they ever make, because this is a very good 2017 idea that I don't think ever came to fruition unless it did. Did they ever make a page called I fucking hate science? I think someone maybe did. I think that was, I think that was a kind of. Yeah, that's a classic move.

It's a good move. It's a good move. It was probably really funny. We should start one now that's I don't fucking care either way. about science. That's good. I don't fucking feel strongly about science either way.

I don't feel strong. I'm neutral on science. Well, you have to put fucking in there. Do you remember the neutral toad or whatever from Futurama? Sorry, that's the Hypnottoeotode. The neutral response. The neutral response from Futurama.

No. This is a very Reddit thing that I remember is somebody uploaded that clip of the neutral response. I don't know what that is. There's a scene from Futurama where he says, like, I have no good or bad feelings about this in either way. It's like an incredibly neutral response.

And then on YouTube, the likes and dislikes were equal. Wow. And that was like a big Reddit thing. It was like, we did it, Reddit. We did it. We made the fucking video have equal likes and dislikes. Fuck Reddit. Yeah, dude. You know what? Reddit is starting to do

TV commercials. Really? I saw one. It's so funny when they have commercials for those. But I guess I mean like streaming yeah, yeah. Commercial. But I saw a Reddit commercial that was like, and it was like, Reddit. It's awesome. Why are they doing ads for Instagram? Like I'll get like YouTube like ads that are for Instagram.

They must just have like extra money where there's like, we have no fucking clue what to do with this. You know what they should do is make a tooth with a camera in it that lets you see the food you eat. It's an idea. Then the phone doesn't have to eat first. Yeah. The phone eats with you. That's what the ad. The tooth eats first.

The tooth eats first. Yeah. this is my idea the tooth I sent that to Zuckerberg a long time ago I almost did a wearable tech demo for meta

did I ever tell you about that no I signed up for just like a survey and then as soon as I like read through the thing I was like wait yeah duh they're gonna take all my fucking data

oh your data dude my fucking data precious no I know I just fully like you know what it is I okay also there's that that I was like

this is my excuse as to why I'm not doing it. The real excuse is I got all the way there and I couldn't find the building. So I left. Because it's like in a weird. It's in a weird like it's in Penn Station and then you have to like take an elevator up or something.

Dude, that's the realest shit of all time. I'm just having like a bad day and you get somewhere and you're like spent like an hour getting there and then you get there and you just look at the situation. You just go fuck this dude. I'm going home. Yeah. I don't care. I went all the way home from Penn Station.

I was just like, oh, you know what I? what I'm going to do. I'm going to go get breakfast at like Chick-fil-A because they don't have one in my neighborhood and then I'm going to go home. Yeah. Yeah. But you could have worn tech. What kind of tech was it? It was some kind of wearable thing. I mean, I think I signed an NDA before, but technological

shirt. I never fucking did it. It was like a wearable wrist thing and it was like basically like it would track like what you like wrote down. Oh, crazy. So it was like a pen. You're getting sued, bro. Yeah. I'm going to get sued for this. No, because I'm going to get sued for this.

No, because I, my, My friend Max did the demo. Uh-huh. And I was like, oh shit, I signed up for that. Like, we would have been in the same group, probably. Yeah. I always think about doing those, like, focus group things. I did one of those one time in Boston for Twitter.

Yeah. They paid me like $150. And I don't even remember what it was. Damn. They probably wiped my memory men in black style. That's what they do. I told you about the, yeah, I think I talked about this recently on the show where I, my mom was signing up for the,

that shit all the time and we we did like a Nielsen like pilot watch yes and we watched the rocky de la Port show dude uh or rocky la port show my family has been accepted into the Nielsen ratings whoa yes okay not me I'm not part of it yeah live there but uh yeah just know when you look at the Nielsen ratings there's a little bit there's a little bit of fetter in there that's all i'm gonna say that's all hopefully hopefully the fetters can skew tv back to being good i think i think they will i think they're working on it Yeah. Just hang tight.

That's good. News coming soon about the future of TV. But it's like a physical device that you have to carry around. Really? Yeah, yeah. I think it tracks like your phone. They can't just do it on the phone now? I think it's a physical thing, I think.

Oh, okay. When I go home next, I want to see. I'm going to basically ask to get the whole lot down because I haven't seen it yet. Yeah. But I guess what they do is they send you a letter in the mail and they just mail you like a $5 bill, just like straight up cash and they're like you can just take this if you want and not respond but if you want to be part of the Nielsen ratings

we want you. Whoa. And then they just keep mailing you money. Whoa, how much? I forget. I forget how much you get paid for the Nielsen's. Not much. Very, very small amount. Who the fuck are the Nielsen's? I think I would have to guess it's one

person or a company in Nielsen but I don't know at all. I don't know at all. You think he was Philo Farnsworth's friend. Now this is from... Fylo Farnsworth is the inventor of the television. Okay. You know what I was about to say? You know what I was about to ask?

And this just made a connection for me on why a character is named that. Oh, UHF. UHF. Is this UHF? Yep. Now I'm beginning to understand almost everything about this universe that we're in. Yeah. This was, I think that was class one, day one, history of media arts Emerson college

history of TV yeah history of media arts remember this man well that was the thing that was the thing like I forget the teacher's name but he had he was from the south big Texan guy I think we called him big text now I think his name was Professor Tex

that'd be cool dude he was always talking about he was his name's Michael something he was always walking around the great man theory of him a straight dick tites. Michael Scott. He was Michael Scott. I mean, that would make sense for a TV class. Yeah. Michael Scott teaching the TV class, dude.

He would say some funny ass shit. Dude, he literally say something that's like accidentally racist. Totally. He's always being accidentally racist. Though, can I say something like, how many times can someone be accidentally racist before you're like, okay, you're a piece of shit? Yep. Like you literally are a bigot.

Brad Paisley and L.O. Cool J. made a song about this. Really? About Michael Scott being racist? No, but there is an amazing L.O. Cool J. Bradley Paisley song called Accidental Racist. I am a white man. You are a black man.

And L.O. Cool J is going like, We got to change y'all! I think I have a heard this before. So sick, dude. So fucking. That song, it's so funny, that song was meant to heal the divide and it just made,

it just made everyone mad. Has a song? ever healed a divide. Why do they keep trying? Why do they keep trying to do it with the song? Did we are the world actually do anything? I don't think so. I guess Live Aid maybe did something. Yeah, but that's not a song. It's a collection of song. Like, and that's also like, I feel like it's got to be like, like, okay, and my criteria is like for the song to heal the world or healed a divide. Like it has to be the song, not like the money that is spent by the song. Do you say, well, that was the thing though. Live Aid, Phil Collins did Philly and London the same day. dude is fucking so sick that is does not sound like and philly and london are still at odds yeah they're still at war 200 years later yeah yeah that's a good point you should you put a person from philly in london that's not gonna yeah why to fuck you guys eating fucking jelly deals or shit they're gonna put a fucking they if they put a guy from london in the middle of philly he would get pulled apart like wet bread within 20 minutes yeah dude we fucking pull that guy apart

we fucking yank that dude off his fucking little horse or whatever He called us yanks. He called us yanks. We're yanking you. Dude, that would be a badass tagline on a poster. Let me wait, hold on. Okay, so basically this is the poster. It's a British guy. And it's very clearly British.

Like, he's dressed like a red coat. It's Hugh Grant. It's Hugh Grant in a red coat. Yeah. Outfit uniform. And then there's a bunch of like Philly guys. Yeah. And it says he called them yanks.

So they yanked him apart. And he's screaming and he's getting pulled. He's getting drawn and quartered. And it's called. The quartering. The quartering. And it's a horror movie called The Quartering. Yeah.

It's him and a bunch of Delco guys. Yeah. Yeah, we just pulled apart. We just pulled apart fucking Hugh Grant, man. Dude, the fucked up thing is in CKY staged all those quartering pranks. Yeah. It's like you can tell. Dude, we're, we're fucking, we're going to, we're going to draw a corner.

We're going to rip Don Vito apart. We're drawing in quarter and Don Vito, dude. Dude, yeah. Brandon D. Camilla doing a freestyle about quartering. ring Don Vito? Dude, yeah. I mean, it's the police officer who comes up when they're drawing and quarter and Phil

and yells at them. You can tell it's Donvito. You can see it. Yo! I don't even fucking get my brother apart. Why did they never get so exceedingly violent with Jackass to the point of ripping people to shreds?

They should have, there should have been a flage. That's what this fifth one should have been. It should have been called Jackass, the most violent one. And it should all be completely torture and violence and murder. They try to stretch Weeman out. It should be that like they're like, okay, this is going to be the last one. Let's make sure it's the last one.

Let's fucking all kill each other. I do think it's Larry Ellison buying CBS or whatever or his son. Yeah, you were mentioning this theory before. Yeah, that's what I think it is. I think it's a-jackass is being gutted due to Project 20-25. I think it's a picture deal fulfillment. And I think it's the, I think it's the cruelty of the Hollywood industry. Yeah.

It's causing us to get bad jackass moving. Well, Jackass is... In the big 2026. Yeah. CBS owns... Paramount owns CBS. Uh, is that true? I think.

I don't know. And Paramount is the one that did... Paramount is the one they have the deal with. Paramount does all that crap. CBS. Paramount Skydance, CBS parent or organization... Or CBS owns Paramount. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think that it might actually be like the Barry Weiss takeover and everything. I think it might actually... There could be, there could be, look, I'm drawing, I'm putting the red lines on the tax right now. Here's what I'm going to say. Here's my official stance on this. Yeah. I don't know enough about this to refute it. And last time that I said something like this was ridiculous to you, it was completely true. Yeah. So I'm going to. Epstein's micro transactions. The Epstein call of duty thing. Yeah. Still can't believe that. So I'm going to believe you on this one. Okay. I'm going to choose to believe you. I mean, it sounds a little ridiculous. I'll say. but I could see that being a thing. I could see that being like this is not, this is,

this promotes degeneracy. Jackass does. It also like I feel like they finally got got by. Dude, I mean, this is a classic thing where the more you say you're losing me, but then we're going to look it up and there's going to somehow be proof of this. Well,

also the Jackass guys are very pro LGBTQ. They are. They are. They're extremely. And as we remember, I mean, if we just add another. They're extremely playing with their friends' penises for fun. We remember what.

Nathan Fielder said about Paramount as well. Yes. So that could very well be the case. I mean, probably. It may very well be. You got that fucking pig, Barry Wice. Dude. Sorry.

It's funny at the time. It's funny to say that at the time. It's funny at the time five seconds after. You had to be there. You had to be there, man. It was funny at the time, dude. It was funny at the time. Anyway.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I hope that's not the case. That'd be cool if Jackass got bought out by something else and then they could come back with at least the new cast. Yeah, I think they should just make a new thing. They should make a new show called Sweethearts instead of Jackass's. And it's men going up and being nice. Yeah. Men being nice to each other. It's probably what woke left.

That's probably what woke left once, though. Yeah. You know how here's my genius pitch I just thought of this second and would make a trillion, trillion, trillion dollars. You know how the Muppets does like other movies with the Muppets? Yes. As all the characters. Muppets Jackass. No, Jackass needs to do that.

Jackass needs to make other movies where all the Jackass cast is just the characters of those stories. Like what? Action point. But that's not an action. Do you know what I mean? Like the same thing that the Muppets do where it's like an existing thing. Oh, oh, got it. Got it.

Got it. But the Jackass cast members are all? Yeah, they do stunts and they hurt each other during the filming. Okay. People would roll the fuck out to see that. Jackass Christmas Carol. Yeah, exactly. Stuff like that.

That is a, dude, it writes itself. We man's tiny to him. Dude. The ghosts are getting like dragged through the wall with chains and stuff. The ghosts are getting dragged through the wall with chains pressed in as a ghost. Yep. Oh my God. It's right there.

Yeah. They can just pump those out forever. Yeah, that's such a good idea. I would go see those forever. Oh my God. Why the fuck haven't. They'd done that. And if they did it too, and they could do like, I mean, this is, this, this one, obviously, there'd have to be some copyright worked out. But if they did like Jackass presents aliens, something like that. That could be good. An action movie where they're fighting. No, it's got to only be public domain stuff like Tarzan or Dracula. Dracula. King Kong is about to enter the public domain in like five years. Wow. But it won't happen. Green Lantern is entering the public domain in 2037. But there's no way. No way that will happen. Green, I don't think they care.

I think they'll let Green Lantern go. You think so? I think out of anybody. No, no, no, he's important. I think Superman is entering the public domain sooner than Green Lantern. Yeah, but I mean, you know, it's going to be a thing where it's like, yeah, this Green Lantern, like the original one, not Hal Jordan. Yeah. I forget his name.

Something's, it's got something. Isn't, isn't one of them, John Stewart? John Stewart is the black one. Yeah. And then there's Hal Jordan. Hal Jordan. And then there's Kyle. Gordon.

Rainer. Oh. Kyle Gordon. I thought that's what you're going to say. No. I think it's, you would make a great green lantern. I fucking fell off on Green Lantern, dude.

I was obsessed with it for months. I get obsessed with stuff for like a little bit and then it goes away. Yeah. And now everyone's going to be. He doesn't even fucking read stuff. Kyle Gordon will be a great green lantern because of his willpower and his in his drive. He would be a really good. They use willpower, right?

Yeah, yeah. Green is willpower. Red is rage. Orange is avarice. Uh, pink is love. They have a full one for Averis. Yeah, it's only one guy. That's so stupid.

Dude, no, it's sick. It's so dumb. It's sick. He found the orange lantern and then his greed, his greed to have the power, like, made him kill everyone. That's cool. It's so sick.

What's his name? Greedo. I've greedy. Probably. Forget, but he's like kind of like a chicken looking creature. There's a squirrel green lantern as well. I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know about this. Yeah. I know this one. I fell off reading it, dude. Do you want my Green Lantern comics? You have them? I don't know. I had them when I was a kid.

I don't know. I don't remember if I have them in New York. I'll fucking. I want to read the, I said I was going to read them and then I never did. Well, if I find them in my apartment, you can have it. So I was going to read them and I never did.

And then all the comic fans will come after me. Dude, comic fans are chill. They won't even come after you like that. Unless you're a guy who makes a comic book. Yeah. And then they'll fucking rip your head off. Dude, yeah.

Destroy you. I remember I went to comic comics. the week that I was like, like learning about that stuff, but then not reading it, like learning, okay, I'm going to read these ones. Uh-huh. And then I remember going there and being like, man, this is it. This is it. This is the end of this.

Like, knowing like, oh, yeah, my, I'm going to become obsessed. This is as far as I can go. I'm going to become obsessed with something else really soon. And it's going to, I'm going to become hyper-focused on it. Yeah. And that'll be it. Yeah. And then someday I'm going to get back into it a little bit.

because I remembered. Oh, yeah. That was a thing I liked a little bit ago. Yeah. This happens constantly. That's the joy of being interested in things. This is what happens to me. You know what?

You know what replaced it? I'm not kidding. Let's hear it. That's actually true. I can't confirm that for you. Going to China Town replaced God. That is really funny. I can't explain.

I can't explain why I'm like this, but that's how I am. That's, hey, that's better than being into Green Lantern. Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, learning about, I mean, I was drinking jing all the time. Anytime we went at a party, I was like, hey, guys, brought some jing. Yeah, it's hard. I mean, when there's a thing, you can get only one place. Yeah.

And whenever I'm walking by there, I get some. Oh, yeah. And it's possible not to. Oh, yeah. And it's, here's the experience, too. And I'm sure you have this experience too. You walk into the Chinese liquor store. You say, hey, can I get some jing?

And they look at you. They say, what, they see, what guy? they go, oh, you want gin? Yep. I go. Yeah. Jing? No.

Baizu. Yeah. The TCM, budu. The Baizu. Yeah. And they go. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

What? Yeah. It's white boy speaks perfect Chinese. No, that once you correct them, they go like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, well. Wow. Well, wow. Literally the most fucked up thing. Did you just call him slithery? Yeah, he's a slithery. A slithery.

Hey, slithery. What is that you have? Mouse. Uh, It looks cool. Why is it look like gym shorts? Yeah. Why does it look like gym shorts?

What is that? Your keyboard. Does it say strike? Take control. Why does your keyboard say that? It's in a bag? You don't have the bag. They're all in the fridge.

Look at how many fucking diet Pepsi's that is also. Yeah, we've been going for like 30 minutes in. 30 minutes, dude. You fucking slept in. You're quite late. You slept in. Be careful. Wow.

Wow. I didn't think it would happen. I honestly think he wasn't going to pull up. Good morning, sleep you had? Oh, wait. Yeah, you're muted. It's a good prank for me to get all the way over here. My mic is a bad idea.

That was mistakeful. Oh, have you guys been? Been good. I've turned red. Huh? I turned red. Yeah. You got some red.

Oh, you're tan. You do. Yeah. You look tan. When you tan. You look red. When you tan, you look very red. I think you look less red than usual.

Really? When you're not tan, when you're pale, I think the red comes in. Really? You do look really tan, though. It's making me freaking me out. Yeah. Whoa, nice. Yeah.

What are you talking about? We were just shooting the shit. Shoot the fucking shit, man. What were we? Oh, we were talking about how in my life I get hyper-focused on things. We were talking about how he was really hyper-fixated on Green Lantern, and then how the special interest that followed that was. going to Chinatown.

Yeah. Remember that that week? I was like, dude, I've eaten it funny barbecue every day. I feel like you have always been really into Chinatown. Yeah. But I like a moment though. There was a moment where I was going to flushing a lot more. It's pointed to call them special interests.

Yeah. Yeah. What does that mean? Because that is, that is autism. Yeah. When people say special interest, they mean autism. That's a, that's a, that's a specter. The ADHD is a spectrum disorder.

So it has, it has, it has bits and bobs from autism. You get a little bit, a little bit, a couple bits, a couple of box. Yeah, I don't think I, there's no way I'm fucking autistic, but I definitely. I don't think we were calling a special actress. I think I just said that instead of hyper focus. Yeah. Yeah, there's hyper focus in ADHD. But yeah, I got out of that.

I went to Comic Con and then immediately started going to China. What do you think it's going to be when you're like 50? When you're 50, what is it? I think I'm just, I think I just cycle through. I don't know, because it's always, it's always back to Green Lantern. I don't know, maybe at some point. It's a two item cycle. Yeah, two item cycle.

I don't know. Trying to think of what kind of stuff I'm into now. Do you think you'll be into new music when you're 50 years old? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I don't think I'd ever be able to stop doing that. I think I'm already listening to music where I'm like, I don't really understand this.

I'm already so off of new music. Really? I don't listen to any new music. I can't stand it. You know what I've been getting into again? I've become crystallized. R&B, just the early two. Oh yeah, I've talked about this.

The early 2000s R&B. Been listening to a lot of boys to men. Going back even farther than that. This is how new the music I'm listening to is I was listening to some radio of some song I like. And a song came up and I immediately knew it was AI and I opened up my phone and the cover art was like a robot dancing. I was like, okay. This is too new for me.

Yeah. Have you heard this fucking Phoenix? Flex song. The worst song ever is called Rubbers. Is that the one where everybody was accusing it? Yeah. Dude, it's fucking AI. It's a terrible song too. One, it's a terrible song. And I had some people be like, yeah, dude, people say it's

AI, but it's actually a pretty good song. No. What the fuck you? No, it's fucking crazy. It sucks and it's definitely AI. It sounds like a fucking AI voice. And he, like, he performs it live and he has no, I last night was watching, like, it showed up in my feed videos of him performing it.

And it's like, dude, there's no fucking shot that you did not write this and you made an AI and you were like make me an 80s sounding song. It's sad that Homer dropped his donut is AI. I know. And dude, I am a robot Kanye edition. That was AI? Yeah. Well, that's voice to voice, but that's a real song. Yeah, it's a real song. Yeah, true. So that's not AI. That is AI. But it's not generative AI. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The like music isn't yeah. It wasn't written by an AI. Yeah. I was written by a robot. It was written by a robot. by a robot. It's not an artificially intelligent robot.

It's just a different style of a robot. I guess that's the same. So come on. Tell us, give us your rose and your thorn. Rose. And a funny-ass story too. The rose was the funny-ass story,

I would say, which I texted you guys about. Which is our friend Gus, who he's been on the podcast. Do you want to tell this? Because this is basically an uneditable episode. Uh-huh. No, that's fine.

I don't even fuck. I mean, I'm just like that. Gus doesn't care. It was amazing. It was like the best night. We had everybody's kind of, you know, we do this vacation every year with all the cousins and all the cousins get together. And when we were young, it was kind of crazy. But as we've gotten older, it's gotten pretty boring in a way that's good. You know, there's a lot of just like going and walking on the beach. And this year, Gus came down from L.A. And he does, he knows my cousins a little bit because he came to my brother's wedding last year, but he doesn't know them super well. So he, you know, you know, you know. know, he met these people for like, the two combined like 90 minutes. And we were like, let's play some poker. Uh-huh.

And we hadn't been drinking, really. But he bought, uh, because this is, this is cool, he bought for, he was like, who wants to drink whiskey while we play poker? Yeah. And everybody's like, that's one of the coolest sentences I've ever. Everybody's like, dude, yes. So he went and he bought like a bottle of whiskey, uh, for poker at the liquor store. He comes back and he like sits down and we've already given his chips.

And he's like, deal me in. And he pours himself some whiskey, pours my cousin some whiskey. And he salutes, sort of cheers. And then he takes one sip and it goes down the complete wrong pipe. He like inhales an entire shot of whiskey. And immediately he's this color. He's red. He's so red.

And my cousin Isaac is like, are you okay? And he's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. And he, uh, full or he bets. And then somebody else. else bets and then I'm going to bet and I hear like what sounds like a shotgun like and I look over and he has his hand like this and there's vomit all over every single person at the table except for me and he's like oh my god dude I'm so sorry guys

he just threw up on all these people that he had met he had just met today damn and I was pretty proud of my cousins, man, because Gus went and got in the shower and everybody was cleaning up the vomit and then just setting poker back up. And then we played poker for like three hours. That's crazy. But then he went on like a five hand just like one, had like pocket

pairs every single hand. Dude, this was all a setup. You know he was, he stacked the back. I thought, my immediate thought because it was Gus was like, okay, he somehow went to a magic store. Yeah. And bought some kind of prank. Fake vomit. Throw up, fake vomit that is like, yeah, because he also had his hand like this.

way I was like, oh, I know, I actually know how this trick works. Yeah, it's in his hand. He's got a little tube. He's got a tube and he's throwing up at the tube. Yeah. It was pretty amazing, though, man. Yeah. That was pretty incredible.

Thorn, hmm. My dad's getting so old. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, but it was a fun trip. Yeah. My dad left you a message. Oh, yeah.

You what? I left you a message, dude. You left me a message? Yeah. Where? Aw. Yeah, I misspelled your name by accident and I didn't want to rewrite. You misspelled my name like a little kid where you was flipped the B into a D.

He wrote K. I kind of, I did the line down and then I kind of had a moment where I was like, Which is I did the B? Which does it go? I don't really handwrite a lot anymore. It's hard to handwrite. Yeah, and I figured I'd just leave it. I kind of, and I started going, I went, oh, this is wrong.

This is not the right direction. But you committed to it, man. Yeah. How's stuff been over here back on the East Coast? It's been boring, dude. Yeah, I thought I had gout. We talked about that. I ate pizza and Chinese food all week.

And then you thought that you got gotten one week. His toe hurt because his shoes were too narrow. We went over. Oh, okay. Gotcha, gotcha. A guy hit the bus in his car last night and I was seeing it happen. You were in the bus? No, I was on my house.

Oh, you were on your house. I was in nowhere. You were on the top of house. And then I went and I watched and there was a guy. I was watching. And the guy wasn't, the guy I was saying this before, he was just in deep despair. I don't think he was really hurt.

He was kind of a young guy. He had a city bus. I think his life was probably. pretty fucked up now. Yeah, his life was probably fun. But I was standing there watching. There was a bunch of big crowd of people watching and this, well, I don't want to be rude,

but this junkie guy came up to me. And he was standing. I'm going to show you how he was standing when he was talking to me. He was standing like this. Whoa. And he said, you hit the boss? That's Mr. Tablo.

And then he was walking around like this. And then he was, there was someone who locked their bike up and he was leaning on it like this and watching. And then there were all the EMTs and firefighters were, like going around the guy in the car making sure it was okay and the guy

the jockey guy like walked out into the street and like walked up and stood with them and was just standing like this right over there putting a guy on the stretcher and he was just standing one of the EMTs looks at him and goes hey table I would say you imagine you a whole

you're like you hit a bus and you're like fuck fuck I'm so fucked and you look up and there's a guy standing like that right right over you're like that's the grim reaper yeah that's uh yeah the grim But overall, the situation wasn't too funny. It was actually pretty sad. He was the, he was the Scyth, man.

That's why he was standing like that. He was the Scyth. He's the Sight. He's the Grim Riper Sithe. We know you're the Sight, man. Hey, Sithe, what's up? That's actually, that's a cool name, man. The Sithe. The Sithe.

The Sithe. Feels like that would be a cool movie with that. Robert Zedar. Oh, yeah. Ralph Inison. Dude, I fell asleep last night. The reason I am so late is I fell asleep. I fell asleep watching

into the mouth of madness last night. Oh, yeah. I was that. I can't believe he died. John Carpenter, Sam Neal. I've never seen this movie. You're going to like this. You know, it's really good.

You would love this movie. I'm going to look that up. You know what else he's amazing in? It's so cool. Everyone's got that. Yeah, but you should see this guy. Yeah, you'll never guess what's in this movie, man. There's a guy with two eyes.

Pretending I saw the movie. But there's Him and Event Horizon, bro. So fucking good, man. Dude, he's good and everything. Yeah, Sam Neal. He's just good. Jurassic Park, man, you can't beat him.

And if you can't beat him, join him. In hell. Yep. Yeah. And join the rest of the great actors in hell. Yeah. It's from New Zealand. I didn't know he's from New Zealand.

A lifetime liar. Yeah, exactly. That's what it being an actor is. Yeah. Eight hour days of you just lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, and then eat. Yep. You glutinize. and you lie.

And you have to be proud of your work. Yeah, there's pride. What else is there in there? Homosexuality? Homosexuality is not a seven deadly sin. Oh, you would think. No, I wouldn't think. Oh, well, pride.

You're a Christian homophobe. Pride. Pride is homosexuality. Pride, greed, gluttony, envy. Envy for other roles. Wrath, of course. Wrath is sloth. What's wrathful about, well, sloth?

The actors is all slothful. And, uh, did you say, lust. Lust. No. But is lust a seven deadliest yeah?

Yeah. It's one of the deadliest ones. Dude, I know the seven deadly sins because of binding of Isaac.

Don't play with me, bro. What about seven, man? What? Seven. I saw that one time. Seven.

I can't. That is such a disgusting movie to me. What? Seven. Yeah. Every part of it. Seven.

You're so nasty, you fucking weird. When I know, I remember when they have the pound of flesh. I'm like, pound of flesh.

Dude, what about razor blade vagina cutter. See again, I don't remember much of this movie. Yeah, me neither. They have a dilt. That's also Fincher, right? Yeah, it's Fincher. Yeah, we actually spoke of this during the weeks. We actually spoke about it a lot

during the quite a lot. Quite a bit. I forgot about the five weeks. Can we do it again? Dude, I would love to, man. That's one where I was like, it would have been so fun to just finish it and just do it again. I know. I really I think, I don't see why we shouldn't. Yeah. Yeah, well, now I

I feel like maybe we missed the boat a little bit. We did miss the boat. Oh, wait. My clock. My clock. My clock. Wow. You still know them all by muscle memory.

I'm learning them. I have to look every time. That's very, very interesting. Yeah. That sounded so good to hear. I haven't heard that one. What about this one? That taxi hit Daisy.

You basically saw that yesterday. Yeah, I did. Whoa. The guy wasn't really hurt, though. so it wasn't, I think you could dance again. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's good.

I'm glad he can dance again. Walking up to a guy getting pulled out. You might not want to. Walking up to a guy getting pulled by like EMTs, like he's got like a neck brace on. Is he going to dance again? Is he going to dance again? Will he ever dance again?

Will he ever dance again? That is scary. Imagine like you get in some accident. It's not that big of a deal or whatever. You know, people get in car accidents and they always hurt this part of their back down here, like a little fender. There should be like, oh, the bottom of my back has never been the same. Yeah.

What if that just stopped you from every dancing? Oh, what if it broke. Oh, you know what I did do is I did karaoke at a bar while I was in California, little ass bar. No. And everybody's doing, I've never done this before at karaoke, but everybody's doing like, don't stop, like shit like that. And I put in same girl by Usher and R. Kelly with my brother,

because my brother's like, yeah, I think I know that song. And I was like, that's my favorite song to do it at karaoke. And the guy doing karaoke is like, uh-oh, somebody put an R. Kelly song in. And then I've never seen people, I've never been hated more in my life than doing that at a bar.

And I didn't even think of that. That's insane. Which is probably on me. Yeah, that is on you. And then we got up there and my brother didn't even actually know the lyrics and it's a two-person song. So I'm doing the Usher part or the R. Kelly part, crushing it to just

nobody everybody on their phone or talking about how shitty I am for doing an R. Kelly song. And then my brother going, how bad, bad a bad, boom, yeah. Same girl, motherfucker. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, it was a pretty it was probably the worst karaoke experience in my life.

I've never had karaoke be anything but a blessing. And then I ruined, I ruined karaoke. And then the next song was, the next song was I need a, someone did, I need a hero from Shrek 2. Yeah. And that just tore the house down and made me feel even worse. You always have, there's two types of karaoke.

Yeah, yeah, there is. Someone say there's a hundred types. There is. I would say there's two types of karaoke. The original type, Japanese. Yeah. Then there is hipster karaoke. Dude, which I have to say, having been in Japan and I didn't do karaoke there because their karaoke there is all private rooms.

And I think that, I mean, no disrespect to them. They originated it, but I think we perfected it. The idea of doing karaoke alone in a room. If I have... With just your friends? But if I got 10 people, I like the private room more. Sure, of course. Yeah.

When you're traveling, you don't got 10 people. No, no. Unless you're on a 10-person trip. But even so, it's great. It's great to be in a big room with a bunch of strangers. That is true. That's the best part of it. Affrending somebody at karaoke?

That's fun. Yeah. Yeah, my cousins were on later. Friends. Nobody wanted to be friends with me after that one. Wow. You were a karaoke enemy. I ruined karaoke.

I saw the bartender look at the... It was like near the end of the night. I saw, the bartender look at the guy running karaoke and go like it was over like I ended it and then they ended up doing five more songs because everybody loved the next song so much. Well he was doing

this he was saying five more. Five more. This one's so good I want to hear five more. Five more. But next time I do public karaoke in a normal style bar I got to be better about my song selection. You got to do crowd pleasers.

You got to think about the crimes that were committed by those. Exactly. Exactly. Do you remember, I mean, he's public enemy number one. Like, that's like R. Kelly. I might as well have done a song, a Jeffrey Epstein song. Straight up. That's how people think of it. Welcome to my island.

That's basically what I did. To the point where I think people somehow have a USB driving. How did this get onto YouTube? It's enough of a thing that people were definitely. My name is Jeffries. People definitely were like, this guy does sexually wrong. things because he picked this song. Right. Yeah. Like there's no way that anybody would be so stupid as to pick this song. My name is Jeffrey Epstein. I have an island man. Welcome to my island. I'll stay here

very long. Everyone's in the crowd just going like, what the fuck is? Where the fuck is this song from? It's a crowd poiser. This one, it even had the little bug logo. Okay. Then the bartender did dick in a box. Yeah. That's a, that's, Crusher. Can I tell you, man,

I was not happy about it. Tor the house. Yeah. To the, we had to rebuild the entire bar. Yeah. It was an explosion. People were loving.

He had a great voice to him. Yeah. I think the, here my two worst karaoke scene, scene happened. One, and I think these were the same night. I think you guys were probably there.

Okay. One was somebody, uh, doing pavement, spit on a stranger, but it wasn't, in the karaoke machine, so they had to pull up a YouTube video and they were doing it extremely unconfidently. Yeah. And that was pretty rough to see because the YouTube video was of very poor

quality and they weren't really singing and it was a lot of lyrics and it was long and it was pavement and it was not fun to watch. And then the other one is someone did like an anime theme song. Do you remember they just pulled up like the theme song and like the theme sequence and just sang along to it. Conceptually I can see that being funny. Yeah. I don't think. they were doing it to be funny. They were being serious. They were being earnest. And it was not as any show that I had ever even knew of.

My favorite thing I ever seen is some, but it was two, two like middle-aged guys doing that song, Happy People by R. Kelly. But they only remembered the, the chorus. So they were just standing up there. It was like them, like,

there was that, I think this was someone's birthday. You're at Winnie's. And it was just two guys just going like, happy yeah don't get you in the middle of it too

they gave the mics back to the people at the park I love that I also one time when we were at some place in Manhattan but there was a guy

who was sitting at the bar and he was doing some M&M song but he was doing it really really quiet and not keeping up like really really quiet and then he said

like he was handing the mic back to the bar turn of being like, I think the microphone's broken. He said that. And then people were doing before and after him. And it was completely normal. Yeah. And he was just going like, I'm, I've done some bad karaoke.

I would say that I am like, I love karaoke. You guys have seen me do karaoke. I love karaoke. Yeah. I probably, I would say probably 30% of the karaoke I've done has been bad song choice or like too drunk and I just sit there. I'll get myself a 60% bad. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. I think you... I've always seen you kill it. Oh, thank you. But I think what it is is you just... What a true bad carrier. Actually, I'm gonna...

I'm changing. I think I do zero percent bad. That's right. Because I think what makes it... What makes it bad is if you just don't try. Yeah, or if you're too quiet and you don't try. I went too hard on my friend's birthday. I was way too drunk.

I got too drunk though. Too insanely drunk. And I was like, fuck it, bro. We're going full throttle. Uh-huh. midlife crisis. Yeah. Go out and ring back doing that.

Right. It can't do it. It can't be bad. That was pretty bad. If you're trying, it can't be bad. Room of four people. Four people, three of them leave the room. Dude.

You just you do whatever the last time we went to. Heads up karaoke with this. No. I think you guys were long gone. I don't remember what event this was, but it was somebody's birthday. It was probably got cheer. It was got cheer.

Because I left it like 11. But I was, I was, it was me, my wife. and Thomas was there. And we were, I think, literally, like, the last, like, three people. Like, it was, like, no, it was, like, fully, fully empty. It was like, they were closing. It was a lot. And then, like, and Thomas had put his name in, like, two hours ago.

And they were, like, they called his name. They were like, oh, last song, Thomas. And I was like, bro, go, go. And he just did rock your body to, like, to you. Go, quickly. To empty room. I was fucking die. And just the, the, that.

karaoke DJ and us. That's so awesome. And it was so awesome. Oh, I also won trivia while I was out there. Congratulations.

Thank you. I won a free meal. I didn't end up I have a gift card to a restaurant in Nashua that I found the other day and as soon as I picked it up, it broke.

What does that mean? It's like the front of the cart. Oh, come on, man. That's crazy. I was like, oh my God, it's a fucking Foti's gift card. and I picked it up and fell apart.

Dude, that's so sad. I don't know that was possible. I can still use it because the barcode's on the back, but like finding it and being like, hey, this is 25. When I go, next time I go home, I have a $25 gift card.

Yeah. And it just fell apart in my hands. I was like, what the fuck? How does that even happen to a gift card? I don't know. It was insane. I guess I got to yell at a guy on a golf course. Yeah.

Nice. Saying that we'll eat in candy corn. Okay. A guy didn't call for And we were out there with my nephew Who's 9 month old baby Yeah It's tall for a 9 month old baby

Yeah Well up from the ground You didn't see the bottom hand I thought that was holding the microphone He's probably this Wow But he's growing every second Yeah he's just

I'm scared But this guy Hit a ball And you know when you see It's so rare to me to It's like embarrassing If I meet a guy over 50 Who I'm like not a little bit

intimidated by Yeah You know and this guy came up. Embarrassing for you or for him. For him. Yeah. And a little bit of secondhand embarrassment where I'm like,

oh, you should really be cool by 50. Yeah, true. You have so much life. Like, why the fuck are you like cool? But he came up and he was like, hey, where's my ball? And I was like, dude, I just didn't hear you call four.

And he was like, oh yeah, I didn't. Sorry, yeah, I didn't. I was like, you should really start calling four, man. We do have a baby out here. and I bet he's not the only one. Why? But he's not the only baby. And then,

you look the next hole, there's a baby, like, baby prodigy. It's like, definitely, this guy's definitely been like for 30 years.

Definitely the first time he's ever seen a baby on a golf course. Maybe a little pom-pom hat, like a little Scotts hat. But he got really, he got really embarrassed, and then he skipped the next hole

just so he would be further away from us. Damn. Wow. And I was like, this guy's such a, sticking it to the olds, man. I don't like the, I don't like an old guy that isn't either.

That isn't like, fuck you. Right. The guy should have been like, he should have been like, he should have been like, he should have been like that, that video,

the old guy drowning the kid on crutches. Yes, he should have, he should have been like, I wish I hit the baby. That's how, I mean, yeah,

that's how every interaction with old people feels like it's going to go. Yeah. And then they're like, kind of normal. And then you're like, oh, right.

I just have such a history in my life of just as being a kid and getting just, owned by olds. Oh, yeah. Just get out of the pool, get out of my yard,

get out of my bush, get out of my house. We had these Polish neighbors who would really enforce adult swim and we hated them because of it. Bro, that is just,

adult swim is just, that's hell, man. They would come down and they'd go, I don't swim, I don't swim. And then we'd be like, like,

they were really Polish. Yeah. They sounded like that. Tomic was his name. Tomic. Tomic Jerry. Tomic Jerry. Tomic Jerry.

His wife was named Jerry. Wow. There was this one time, dude, we had this neighbor. He was an old veteran guy, Grand Torino type old guy. His name was Dick, and we were like in our house. I played,

sorry, I played golf with a guy named Dick Hopper. Whoa, that's a good name. He was awesome. That's cool. But there was this old guy in our neighborhood and we were like in our house

and we had the screen door was open because it was the middle of the summer. And my mom was like, well, we don't need the AC on. Let's save, let's, you know, save a little bit of,

on the electric bill. And we're having like the most fun time is us and our neighbors. Our neighbors were going to sleep over that night. And then apparently we were being too loud and this guy Dick came up and was like, you guys are disturbing the peace. If you guys don't quiet down right now,

I'm calling your mothers and I'm calling the police. Disturbing the peace. It's scary. Yeah. And then he had a heart attack two weeks later. Getting a cold. Accused of disturbing the peace when you're a kid is like,

that's disturbing the piece in my own fucking house. That's also like, isn't that what they were trying to charge like black panthers with? Yeah. That's pretty sick. Yeah. Disturbing the peace. Yeah. So fucking, dude, honestly, fuck that guy.

Yeah, I'm glad he passed away. Yeah. It was so. Okay. To be happy when people die. He was so mean constantly, dude. Like, literally, I think he's the basis for all my old men. That and growing up skating is the basis for all my old people hate.

Oh yeah. Skating will do that to you. Yeah. Because you are committing a crime in front of a blatant crime in front of... On private property that these old people don't own. Somebody owns it. Somebody owns it, but they really want to yell at you so bad. Like, they see the skate...

It's like a bull with the color red. A skateboard. They attack it. They attack it. What are bulls hate so much about the color red? Is there like a red bull that they all fucking hate? There is. It's in a can.

Ferdinand. Ferdinand the red bull. bull. Oh, he gives you wings. Yeah, and he gives you wings. I don't fucking know. I was just copying you. You're my leader. It's a fucking picture book from childhood. I haven't seen that since I was a kid. Yeah. I don't remember the colors. It's hard to remember colors, man. There's a daily game called dialed.g. You ever played that? No. It's the best one because it'll show you a color, then you have to recreate it. Oh, that's cool. I've never seen anybody be anywhere close. Wow. Dude, I got the, I had the sickest thing, speaking of like those kinds of games,

time guesser. Yeah. We were at rehearsal last week for that show, and they were playing time guesser. And I walked over and I looked at the photo and I said, that's 1972, Texas. Wow. On the money. Damn, that's crazy. That's got to be the best feeling in the world.

Literally the sickest feeling ever. Why are you chiming in on my penis? Seeing if there's any frequency coming off of it today. No. That'd be so sick if I had that, yeah. That fucking thing. Remember that flashlight or that camera flash I had that one time that paintplate was going like, no.

The one you were blinding everyone with? Yeah, I do remember it unfondly. Yeah, that thing was going to. Oh, I do actually remember that actually. The brightest light in the world. Yeah, and you just throw it in you. Just walking up. That thing was awesome.

That pissed me off. Yeah, that was pretty terrible. That was one of your most annoying pranks ever. No, it wasn't. It was more annoying. What do you think is your most? Have you ever had a prank where you were like, I regret that? I went too far.

Yeah, but I can't. I mean, I probably blocked them out of my memory because they're so bad. Have you ever pranked one of us? No, this is when I was a kid. I peed in a water balloon and threw it up my neighbor's friend, Garrett. At what point did you start filling the regret? As soon as it left your hand, once it exploded on that. The regret was we were having a water balloon fight and then I went in the woods and I peed in it, tied it off, filled it up a little bit more water.

And then I was like, this is a jackass type thing. Yeah. This is funny. You could see them having a pee water balloon fight. Yeah, of course. As a kid especially. But they are also getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars. And they're on trucks.

And they're all fucking I or little. Yeah. And I was an impressionable kid. Or bit in the water balloon. Threw it at him. And I was like, I can't believe it worked. I can't believe it worked. I can't believe it hit him and it didn't miss.

Uh-huh. And then he was like, oh my God, is that fucking piss? This smells like piss. And then my, my aunt, Maureen was like,

did you pee in that water balloon? And I said, yeah. And then everyone was like, you gotta say no there, big dogs. Because I thought it was hilarious. I didn't realize that it's disgusting.

And did you have clear pee or it was a yellow balloon? It was a yellow balloon too. Oh, come on. They should have seen it coming. I just remember, yeah, them like lecturing me.

The regret, I think, was only because I got in trouble. Wow. So you're unrepentant. Yeah, I guess that one's not that bad. It's bad. That's kind of gross. It's bad. But it's a little kid mistake.

You ever like prank somebody? I don't know there was a mistake. Not a mistake, but it's a little, you know, something you get reprimated for. It's definitely a misstep. Sure. A misjudgment. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. It wasn't the right decision. No, it was not the right decision. But it wasn't an accident either. No. No. No. No.

No. What? Would I do it again? No. Okay, good. You wouldn't throw a pee balloon at me? Depends. He would. I feel like you definitely would throw a pee balloon at me. Bodily function stuff? No.

You've moved on from it? I've moved on from it. It's crass. Is it too close to you? Is it too close to you? Is it too close to like putting your penis in my face all my sleep or something? Yeah, that would never do it. Would you ever do that?

That's a salt. Tell me if this is a salt. It's assault. One year at this vacation, I just came. back from, all of my cousins took turns farting in my face while I was asleep. I don't know if that's, that's, I guess it's a salt. A little bit. And then my, my, when I woke, the one I woke up to was my little brother's fart. Will they bear butts? And then I, then I, nah, well, maybe some of them. I don't know. I was asleep. But then, because it was

my little brother, I thought that only he did it and I just beat the brakes off of him. Yeah. And I think he did like the barely the smallest fart. And everybody was like, dude, Jacob had the biggest fart in your face. Yeah. And then you've already beat up one. Is that the most disrespect that you can be in your life? Yeah. Because I think that really was like that set me off a path of like, I can't have anything like this happen to me again. No, I agree.

Yeah. Yeah, that changes you. Having a fart train run on you while you're asleep. There was this one time. If I was awake, I'd be like, let's do it, guys. The fact that I'm asleep. You were part of it. My agency is removed in the decision to run a fart train on my nose.

You could have woke me up first. Great. It didn't even get to it smelled him. There's this one time in kind of the same fashion is that there's this one time this kid. And it is fashion. He had to be up for his AAU basketball game, but he still insisted on sleeping over for my cousin's birthday. And we were like, dude, he fell asleep first at the sleepover. Let's put icy hot on his neck.

Oh, dude. Dude, let's put chapstick on him. Dude, let's put his mittens on. Dude, let's put Vaseline on his heels. Let's put fucking Vaseline on his heels, dude. Let's untie his shoes. Let's untie his shoes while they're not on his feet. Let's put sunscreen on his finger.

Let's turn his glasses upside out. But we were like, we were like, dude, we're going to cover him in icy hot. So we did. And then he like woke up screaming. Yeah, that hurts, man. He woke up screaming and ran over. and just found the first person that he was my friend Alex

and he just ran over and just started punching Alex Alex had nothing to do with it he just thought that Alex couldn't fight back and then he like pushed him to the ground and then like kicked him and he went fuck you cock sucker only pussy's kick and then he went to bed crying

and then we were all like the rest of the night just making fun while he was asleep because it was like dude it's just icy hot it's gonna feel good good in a little bit. No, I see how when you don't know what it is, that's a scary. This is like not even related, but this memory just came to me.

One of the first times I ever played Truth or Dare when I was a kid. It was in my friend's birthday party. And there was this kid there. And he eventually moved away. Yeah. But he, we were sitting down to play Truth or Dare. And I remember he, like, everyone was like, all right, let's play. And then he got up and he said, guys, I can't play because I know secrets that would make your ears pop.

and then he left dude and I always always like believe I was like yeah I'm like what does he know he was afraid of being like

you have to kiss another guy exactly yeah I'm like who's your crush I dare you to kiss your crush I remember that your ears pop I know that exact I remember that exact phrasing ears pop that's so

what could he have been talking about and then he moved away so I didn't get to become close to him and find out right because he knew that you were getting jacked he already revealed too much The fact that he had a secret.

Mother, father, we have to move. I revealed that I know secrets. I refuse that I know secrets. We have to move. Grab the bag. Grab the bag. We have to go. The parents immediately, they're like, understood.

Was it truth or dare again? Yes. Yes. Yes, it was. Oh, God, just crossing out another town on a map. We've already been. We've already lived in every state. The last town left is in Yakutsk.

In Russia. Just walking through snow. the suitcase. He has to live there for the rest of his life. The beginning of the thing. Yeah. Some fucking part of Serb, Siberia. Yeah.

Siberia. Oh, the worst place to go, apparently. And then they could. This is what I heard growing up. But then they show, they show up there. Oh, this place was so bad to go. Siberia. I don't understand your tone.

They have to be. You're being sarcastic. You're being sarcastic. Like, it's a fine place to be. Like Siberia is great. Oh, it's the worst. Oh, yeah, Siberia. Is it's a coutic in Siberia.

Maybe. That's the cold. oldest place ever. Yeah, that's where I have all the YouTube. That's where everybody... I spent one second in the coldest city of... Here's my life in Yakutsk. Yeah. It's what everybody said, though, is like we'll send you... Or, yeah, you do that again, we're sending you to Siberia.

But you did, you just believe that. You think Siberia is actually nice. I think it's probably, it's probably one of those things where it's like... Have you watched the videos of people who live there? It's cold, brother? It don't look fun. Maybe, you know what? Oh, you know what happened? Dude, the crazy thing is they don't even, like, you'd expect like, oh, there's like one store in town so you can get dinner for like $2. it's all fucking expensive, dude.

Really? Yeah, it's all the same prices as here. You know what it was when I learned, I was like, I learned about Serbia. I was like, oh, it's probably there. It's probably there and it's probably fine. What is? Siberia.

Oh, just now. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. It's probably, I probably was mixing it up with Serbia. Like in your life thus far or when you were a child? Both. So you still think Siberia is in Serbia? I thought maybe.

Did you think that now or no? I forgot that Siberia is like, it's the most northern part of... The eastern part of Russia. The eastern part, okay. I thought it was the coldest part. Yeah, it is quite north. Yeah, it is quite north. It's the most northern part, northeast part?

It's just that entire... It's where it's cold. It's like that entire section of Russia. I think pretty much all of Russia is cold. Yeah, Russia is cold, but also that's when you get a little bit closer to like where Alaska is. Yeah. That's Siberia.

Yeah. And Siberia is much less. settles. There's less people. Yeah. There's nobody there. Yeah. Yeah. Serbia is pretty nice. Yeah. Serbys Yeah. Supposed to. Supposedly. According to Serbs. No way to fucking know. Do we even know that that

Serbian? I saw a film from there and it wasn't good. Oh, yeah. That'll put you off of that country. Yeah. Yeah. This is a Serbian film. Yeah. So they made one film and it's this. Do you think that that? I'd hate to hear the song. Do you think a Serbian film was made by somebody in one of those Balkan countries to make them look bad. Like one of their, one of their

neighbors that they're beef with. Why do they always fight? They have like the most beautiful beaches. Yeah. Just fucking chill out. Do you think this, do you think a Serbian film was made by like a Macedonian? And then they were like, he was like, yeah, this is what all these fuckers do. Maybe. That's like not, as propaganda. I just don't know. It could be. It's very possible. Are they beefing? They're all beefing with each other all the time. Them beefing with Greece. and Greece.

Greece is another one. Why do you beef? They strongly don't like each other. They strongly don't like each other. Yeah, Croatia has... I knew about the Macedonian thing because my friend Alex from the icy hot story, it was Greek.

And he didn't care for Macedonians? He would make jokes about it. And that's why we put icy hot on it. Yeah, maybe this kid was... This will teach you to say that about Macedonian. A little Macedonian kid. No, he was the one who got attacked but had nothing to do with it.

We're going to torture you in your sleep. We're going to get you, Macedonian boy. No, he's Greek. Yeah, he's Greek. No, no, no. Alex is not the one who got icy hot on him. Alex got unjustly attacked. There's a whole web of confusion going around today.

That's okay, man. That's just fine. That's just fucking fun. It's a late app. Yeah, I mean, at what point do we stop so that we can upload it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's got to go up. Probably right now because what time is it?

Yeah, but I just miss hanging out with you guys. I know, we can keep hanging out for a few minutes. I guess that's true. And talk about the things we can't say on Mike. Oh, shit. yeah oh shit we're gonna gossip like hell about the Californians oh yeah these guys things that we could never fucking say these guys are coming in the guys behind the door all right i'm actually getting a bunch of work tech so okay all right wrap up okay so your background

game of thrones no it's my wife with a christmas tree so me so mean to my wife i thought it's the game of thrones chair no it's mystery no just mean just mean i'm gonna tell you said that you confused you right well this week we're We have it now, but it's not set up, but we have a new computer, and so everything's going to go back to normal. Yeah. God fucking willing. Lord willing.

Check out the eater and check out the portal. Yeah. The portal with Caleb and me. Alex Forrest, Miracofield, Honey Pluton, and Adam Gilbert. These are all amazing comedians. I have a new thing that I have written for it. And it will be a lot of fun. if you are in New York City, go to Brooklyn's Union Hall at 9.30 p.m.

The show will start at 10 o'clock. But probably, if we're being honest, 10. Not on what day, though, bro. On the Saturday, the 25th, this will be my first show as a 29-year-old male. Wow. Congratulations. I guess today, when this comes out. This comes out today.

This is today. Oh, it comes out. Okay. Then I guess tomorrow, the 23rd is my birthday. Leo and the end of Mercury and Retrograde. Okay, dokey. That's what I've heard from various women in my life. I need this retrograde to end.

Women in my life. All right. Bye guys. Two-D means like everything or everyone. Does it? In some language. Oh, I didn't know that. I think so.

I think so. But I'm not going to check. I'm not going to spoil it. I'm not going to spoil it for everyone who's still learning the languages of the world. I don't want to spoil any words for you. Dude, when we start getting into the swears, oh, yeah. That is, I do, when I start learning a language

and someone instantly tells me the swears, I'm like, bro, come on, I was building up to that. I guess that's what you do, like, that's the first couple of things you learn in Spanish. Yeah, it's always, someone always got to say. Kulo, Pendejo, these are all the Spanish words I still remember. Pinché. Yeah, there's more, come on.

I know there's one. You got your mother. I want to say. Fucking. Fucking. Well, there's one I can't say. I can't say that Ben Mora taught me. Yeah, and that the guys in the neighborhood taught you.

Yeah, the guys in the neighborhood taught me. Guapo! Every time I'm walking around the neighborhood, these guys are going, oh, so there was culo guapo. There's culo guapo. How come there isn't a swear that means handsome?